Choosing Single Motherhood Feat. Mela Murder

Oh mama, I'm failing high.

My money's gone all all.

To my jewel.

Thor keeps turning all Onday.

What to day?

What today? He's in blessings man a fretted with every lesson learn, Eve, young doll is worth you.

It would be well if we were lady.

His immchan calls byarning most into excellent my.

Bill, welcome back. This is good mom's bad choices. I'm Erica and I'm Nila, and we're still New York y'all.

Wrong? Hey, that's allen, Hi baby.

We have the cutest two little girls in uh you on in the studio today, Little anithyst and Manifest.

Oh my god, she knocked out.

That was quick, right, just one, two, three on the bog and boom.

Well we have special guests today, guys. We have Melow Murder. Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, definitely Melo Murders in the building. I'm so excited to have you. You are like to be here finally. I love when I and I can connect.

Okay, girls, all right, and I guess I got I'm here to speak as well.

I love that I can connect with other single moms and and you're.

Baby, Okay, we get it.

Anyway, thank you, thank you. If you guys aren't familiar with Mellow, definitely check out her instagram.

You're such an advocate for single parents and single moms specifically, and like you're caught, like your let's talk is so important and I'm so happy that that you do that and that you're able to connect with women in like a real way.

Wait, lets people know what let's talk is? Okay, Okay, so let's talk is. It's a movement? I really I wanted to.

My mission is for it to be a movement just connecting single moms together and support of mental and emotional health. Because when I was going through my own things, being a new mom, experiencing postpartum depressions, never having anyone ever educate me on that, how to prepare myself for it, and just feeling like I was the only one going through it.

So I decided to come out.

And be fully transparent with my story and what I had gone through because I was suffering severely and felt completely alone. So I did that, and the outpour that I received from that was so positive, so overwhelming, just emotional. I'm like, this needs to be a thing, a physical thing where where we're meeting up together in person, flush to flush physically where we can cry to each other, hug each other, and help each other in our struggles.

So that's basically what it is and how it started.

And maybe if you give our listeners just a little backstory on like who you are? I mean, I meant that's such like a broad statement because it's like, how do you define who you are?

What you do?

I know you're an artist, actor, dancer.

Yeah, I mean.

I identify as a woman from New York born and raised.

I mean, my father passed away when I was eleven, and that's when a lot of my mental health things started playing and coming into play, and I just realized that I was different from my two other sisters, and I felt disconnected often. I felt removed often and just misunderstood. So I was constantly trying to find my outlets and are you the oldest, I'm the eldest.

Yeah.

And when you say disconnected, like you just felt like, you.

Know, like like my mom would literally separate me from my sisters. Why because I went crazy. My father passed away and so many things happened after that, and I didn't feel safe in my home.

I just didn't feel safe.

My mom was was seeing the new guy, and just like the dynamic of our living situation changed and I was super paranoid.

I like slept with a knife under my pillow like crazy, so my mom I was acting out.

I was being super rebellious as we were just talking about and my mom would would just be afraid to like have my sisters with me, so she.

Would literally like keep me away from them. It's actually crazy.

I learned that I was into dancing and writing when I was put in a mental institution.

I put a student twelve.

Oh wow, because my stepfather he tried to hit me or like, and he's like six foot three and my mom was away at work, and you got super aggressive with me, and I like like took the knife out on him, and I was like, don't don't move, like stay right there. And my mom was like, you're out of control. I don't know how to help you, and she was trying, but I was just so deep in.

My own, you know, my own pain issues, like yeah, you know, like the anxiety, the sadness, all of these things I wasn't understanding. So she put me in a mental institution.

The next day and I met some of the most amazing people of my life, and they're crazy.

How long were you there for?

I was in there.

I want to say two to three weeks, you know, not not super crazy long, because I mean there's there's people in there, like young young kids in there who like were severely mentally ill, and you know, people in the system, they're going to tend to the those cases more more so than someone who's just like dealing with the trauma of like a death in the family and things like that. So a child who's rebelling. So in there is where I learned that. Okay, I love dancing,

Like it was just my everything. It was my outlet. I felt free. I felt like I didn't have all of this weight on me that I'd been carrying since I was, you know.

Eleven, twelve years old, and it just felt really good. Then I started writing music and I had a show. I was in a band with my best friend at the time, and we had a show in Bard College and that's kind of how.

I got discovered to dance.

With Major Laser, the opening DJ who I was actually with last night, Addie. He connected me with Dippo and he was like, yo, like I believe in you.

I don't know, I don't know you.

I don't know why I believe in you, but I do and I want to help you, and I don't know, like the universe aligned it, and I was on tour Major Laser and then how old are you at that point?

I was twenty and that must have been like a very I mean, because I know, like that scene is very I mean it's go go, go, go go party, party, party, party, drink, drink, drink, drug drug drug drugs, you know, because I was listening to that music and doing all those things, not even not even I'm electra, I likes to call electro electra. Where was I Miami at some music? First of all, Major Laser was there, and I was like ultra Ultra That's where I was, Yeah, and I was ultravated yeah.

Same same.

So at twenty years old, I mean, going on tour and traveling the world in that capacity, like from being a piece.

Of shit one day, like nothing like no one like confused about my life, doing drugs, being like arranging like mess to having so much responsibility and so much I mean, I was exposed to a world I never imagine, I know who existed.

So it was a lot. I mean, I loved it. It was amazing, but it was a lot. It was too much for me at times.

You know, I'm twenty years old, your baby, baby, your baby, like you don't even and there's no rules, there's someone telling you slow down, you know, so I can only.

Imagine no guidance at all. But you know that that that journey of Major Laser, I mean, it was some of the best moments of my life and it taught me a lot about being just a full rounded person. You know, I've slept on a floor, like we've slept on floors, you know, baby, No baby, We've slept on floors.

We've had to share bunks.

You know.

You you adapt, and I've learned how to adapt because of Major Laser.

And now I feel like whatever I go through now, because of those experiences, I'm able to adapt.

Right. So, do you think that experience also kind of helped you in motherhood?

Definitely?

It made me super resilient because you have to keep on going, you have to be strong I mean when when when I started with Major Laser is when social media kind of just started, Like Instagram was just popping off, and you know, the Major Laser Instagram we used to be.

We used to get posted me in the Dancer and people used to be like, oh, you.

Guys, you're you're bolt sluts and you're fucking diplo and like trolling us and saying horrible things about us.

And I used to be so upset, so sad, and like my family would talk to me and be like, yo, you have to like you have to be resilient to this.

Come on, you're gonna let what random strangers say about you affect you know, your.

Life, and you know, and it taught me, like, you have to be strong despite what.

Anyone says, what people say. Who cares what people say? Like, you're living your life, You're staying true to yourself. You know who you are, You're not You're not those things, so keep it pushing right exactly. So definitely it taught me, taught me some valuable lessons.

And you're like, you have such a specific style of dance. It's like, I mean, and he said, voguing. That's so that's so new York.

I was gonna say, like, never would I have ever in high school had the opportunity to take a hip hop vogue, like even learn where would I go?

Would be doing that?

I didn't even learn really about voguing until I moved to Atlanta and went to like the gay club all the time, like and learned about like housing.

Maybe you're being very loud, okay, So like, yeah, how do you identify?

Are you?

Like?

What's your are you straight?

Are you gay?

Bisexually fluid? What's the other one?

The new one?

Pan sexual? Like I don't even know what any of those things mean now I know. I mean, I I just love people. I think that's what I because I don't. I just love people. And if I connect with you, then I connect with you.

And if I think you're beautiful, then you're you're beautiful, and I will, you know, I will give you time, and I will you know, I will be open and connect and like interact, and you know, I don't have like a type or anything like that, and people, I feel like people who have types close themselves off to all of the beautiful, right, So I.

Agree, I agree, I identify the same amount people lover.

Yeah, for sure in New York is.

Uh evoking like a gay thing, because like, yeah, yeah.

I mean it was. It was births here in the seventies and in the eighties in Harlem, and you know, that's how the gay community would escape the outside realities of just you know, being kind of shunned, you know, and just being like tormented for being exactly who you are. So they created the ballroom scene so that you know, poor minority, little black and brown boys could.

Dance and feel like have that escape of fantasy.

And be like rich, fab Upper east Side, you know, white woman, you know, and they created this this world, this fantasy.

And when it was introduced to me, I mean, that's it. That's what it gave to me.

It offered me an escape from my reality. And I was able to be this confident, just other person who I didn't feel like in.

My in my in my day to day life. So it was effortless, it was natural.

I'd never been to a class back then, there were noble classes. That's kind of a new thing it's become since social media came up. It's been mainstream, like you know, it's kind of transitioned into the mainstream world.

Which which is cute. It deserves that.

But I love the fact that it's kind of been that underground New York City vibe and like you had to be a part of the culture to experience that type of magic.

So for you was like therapeutic. Yes, it's crazy how differ things can do that.

I mean, the way you can move your body. I'm like, is this do I have to be double joined?

Is this is this learned or is it just feels it's just a feeling.

Like y'all you if you guys get a chance to go on her Instagram and check out some of her videos, because I remember when you were pregnant too, and you're doing and doing videos and I'm just like, the female body is so incredible and that we can still do anything or everything while pregnant.

If my mom has always told me.

My mom has always told me that pregnancy is a sign of health, and a lot of times that people look upon pregnant women as a week almost.

Or like are you okay?

You must be protected like they need help, and which is true, and trust me, I took all that too, and it has helped me.

But also like this is just proof how I'm healthy.

I'm strong, and watching your videos and watching you move like that and watching your body move like that while you are.

Like very pregnant. I was like, that is so beautiful.

And even doing those doing that with your child's father, like seeing those videos so beautiful.

I loved it.

I love that.

Thank you.

A lot of people told me like I wouldn't be able to do those things, the doctors and things like what do you do for a living, And I'm like, I'm.

A I'm a dancer. Well you can't dance, you can't dance. And I danced. I danced until I was in when I gave birth to her.

The day before I gave birth to her, I was in rehearsal, like choreographing a whole team of dancers for fashion week, oh like the day before, and then I had my baby, like we were I was supposed to be a part of the performance and I was giving birth.

Wow, so don't stop do it all like we are so strong. Pregnancy is just oh my.

God, how did did you enjoy your pregnancy or what?

I really enjoyed my pregnancy with Amathys. I felt I felt like a goddess, you know.

I was like, oh my God, like I feel so beautiful, I'm so powerful, I'm doing all these amazing things. And then with Manifest, I didn't feel like that at all.

Like I hated being pregnant. I wanted to just hide. I wanted to not be seen. I didn't want to tell. I didn't tell anymore.

I was like, didn't take a break from social media. Yeah, I didn't tell my family.

When so she turned a year old, we traveled the day after her first birthday to England doing shows for Richard Russell in England. Then I traveled to Paris and to Rome and then to Puerto Rico to film Valante.

Then I went to La where I found out I was pregnant. So I was like on my own, hustling, mad herd, sick as a dog.

Pregnant, and I knew that my mom and my family who would tell me to get an abortion? I mean, I'm not, I'm pro choice. It's Amy, Amy baby, No, my love, do you want me to put you in the stroller?

Do you want me to do that? Don't disturb, sister? Thank you? Oh emmy, emmy, m M your sister.

Okay, But yeah, when I found out I was pregnant with Manifest, I was happy, So that's how I knew. I'm like, I'm going through with this because I felt so much joy, but I didn't want it to be tainted by other people's opinions, so.

I didn't tell anyone.

And then during that time, I hadn't spoke to Kaner, which is their father, in months. So when I was approaching my fifth month of pregnancy, I'm like, I think I should tell him.

Oh he didn't even he didn't know. He didn't. You literally didn't tell nobody.

No, it was a secret.

Well cause I know you've documented your journey with in some ways with him too, and like you guys, you were together and then you separated and you.

Get sorry, Yeah, you can take it out. Sh I mean, calm down, Okay, are you getting tired? You wanna go in the in the crib. It is his motherhood. You wanna go in the the crib?

You hear me?

You wanna go in the stroller?

Hamy, go ahead.

You wanna put you in the stroller. You could take you on my shit. No, this is real life right here.

Oh yeah, you know, trust me. We we have kids. We recorded the kids. They interrupt every five seconds. This is the protocol over.

And I love being with moms because it just it doesn't make you feel weird. M m right cause when you're up with moms, the people just stare at you.

They get stare right, and now it took me a long time to get over that make me feeling bad? Are we disturbing you? Are you?

Oh?

God, you're right feeling bad for right? Like, look at me, help me, look at me. Okay, So you said you didn't tell him to your five months. Yeah, I was approaching my fifth month and I was like, I think it's time that I tell him. And what did he say? So it's crazy because we were on the phone.

We're facetiming each other for like an hour before I even said anything, so we were just having like a normal conversation.

And then.

I was like, I'm pregnant and he was like yeah. He was like yeah, bye bye who No, not by who? Yes, I said, who's the dad.

He started laughing because he thought I was pregnant by someone else because we hadn't.

Spoken so long. And I was like, by you, you're the father and he started to cry and.

He got really emotional but happy, and he felt like it made a lot of sense as to why I totally pushed back from him and just didn't want to talk to him, but that that wasn't the reason I made those choices because of who he is. So I just again, I didn't want my experience of being pregnant again to be tainted by no one's fuckery.

You know, I respect that a lot, because I'm the type of person and this is something that I need to check myself on. And I think people in general do this, Like we ask a lot of opinions even though we always go with what we want to do in the beginning.

Why do we do it?

I don't know, but you know there's so many You always seek people's opinions, your parents, your friends, because you care what they think.

But a lot of times it feels good to be validated by the people you love, right because it makes you feel like you're making a right decision. But if it resonates with you, whatever your whatever the choice is that you have to make, you know, you feel it in your heart and it doesn't matter who says what about Like God can come down himself and be like and I'm like, no, this is like this is my choice, Like this is what makes me happy.

That's it. Period.

So when I told him that, because he was, you know he was, he was bugging a little bit. He couldn't believe that I waited that long to tell him, and I was just explaining, like this is this is my choice, you know, ultimately, like I'm doing this for me because I felt love the second that I realized I was pregnant. The second I learned I was pregnant,

He gave birth.

What what would you like?

Were you prepared for him to either be angry not want to be involved like you had already got. I guess, prepared to go on this journey by yourself, like you decided your own to consciously.

I guess, single parent. I guess in a way, what would it have mattered to you?

I think it would have. I think it would have.

Because I mean, I'm on my own regardless, and that that goes without saying that's besides the point.

But when it comes to his acceptance of our children. That affects me. That matters to me.

I need to I need to feel secure that you love them, that you care about them. That doesn't mean that, you know, you have to provide financially. If you're providing love and they feel that and you want to be a part of their lives, that very much matters to me. And I'm always open to it, which is why I told him, because they deserve that. You know, I can be hellighteous and be like, I'm doing this on my own, and you know that means you excluded completely, but then

It was just a matter of him knowing that she existed and she was gonna either way. Honey.

I saw that. Also, you posted a picture recently of your mom which you guys looked so much alike, and she had you have like how many siblings you have, like.

And she had all of you guys pretty young, So seeing that that kind of like give you strength and courage to know, like, I can do this because a lot of people like would be scared to have two kids under two and you know, consciously making the decision to raise them on your own because he doesn't like her.

Right he lives in the UK, right, So.

You're here, and that's that's a scary thing.

You know, I have one and I'm already like, oh shit, and my favory daddy lives in my city, right. So like seeing your mom or being raised in that way, did that did that provide some sort of right for you in any way or like.

Wipe away the fear?

No?

I mean because with her, I watched her suffer severely. You know, we witnessed her go through severe domestic abuse by my not even my biological father.

My biological father like dipped like from the beginning. I never knew him.

And my youngest sister, Jasmine, her father. He raised us, so he was you know, my my the father figure, but he was really abusive to my mom. So I saw my mom go through really crazy things and stay and you know, allow certain things to happen continuously, And I remember being being like five or six and saying or understanding that I would never want to be in a situation like that. I would never tolerate things like that.

I remember that.

Moment and being like, this is who I want you to be, mom, And that was like the blueprint that she sent for me, just to have the strength and to get through things and to carry on on the journey because I see a lot of women go through abuse and come back, you know, leave, come back, leave, come back. My mom never went back, you know, So that and and I go back. That's my that's my issue. It takes a long time for me to move on. And my mom she just gets on with it and when she's done, she's done.

So that motivates me.

And she's she's really strong, but sometimes too strong, and like I wanna be strong, but I also wanna be sensitive and I don't want I want my girls to know that too, some like she doesn't cry and my mom like she's not affectionate.

And I have to be those things I cause I need that.

Mm. You know, I need kisses, I need hugs, I need I love yous and I these babies need all of that. So you know, there's certain elements of of of what she what we all want through me, my mom and my sisters that you know, when I'm going through rough moments, I think about certain things and I'm like, okay, let me keep it pushing.

And then there's things that happen.

Now and I'm like, I I'm I'm never gonna be like you and that in those senses, you know, like I'm never gonna repeat like what you're doing right now to them.

Right.

So you said that you and you felt like you went through a really dark and rough place after your first pregnante was it Do you think it was postpartum or was there more to what was like happening? And

Situations are changing.

You know a lot of times men they don't know where they fit in right after they're like, okay, well.

I think for me, when we brought Amays home, it didn't.

And there was never a moment where I felt like, like, there's this baby here. It felt like it felt as if she was always there.

You know.

It was when and Canner was with me for two months, like the first two months of her life. It's when he left and I was in.

Like I was home for the first time, buying myself with her, you know, like like she's in the bed and I'm looking at her and I'm like it's just me and you Like That's when that's when it kicked in, and I just I was sad. I was just sad about the whole situation. I mean, I was still dealing with the depression of what I went through with him.

She made love both, Yeah, let me let me do that, let me get ahead.

So yeah, so like when you cheated on me and that whole situation happened, it was so shocking, you know.

So you guys were in a relationship, but you weren't planning for amethysts. But you guys were in exclusive monogamous.

We were engaged. We were engaged. We lived together back and forth. And he's also a dancer too. Yeah, okay, mm hmm, So.

We were we We spent all of our time together. We worked together, we made money together, we traveled together. We did all these things together. And we got into an argument because he was on tour with FK Twigs and I was filming for the Florida Project, and so we had some time apart, and during that time he changed and I and I felt that when we reconnected and I'm like, yo, your bugging like I'm pregnant, show up for me in whatever ways you can show.

Up for me.

And he wasn't. So we got into a bad argument.

He left to London like the same day, and then two days later he was having sex with someone else. How'd you find out you're gonna you're gonna You're gonna think it's so crazy, But actually my horoscope, like I'm not even cadding.

I read my horoscope, which is something that's like my one of my morning rituals, So.

You know, it said someone very close to you, is hiding something from you?

And I was like hmmm, hmmm interesting. So I called Cane.

I was like, hey, do you have anything to tell me? Like are you hiding anything from me? And he just broke down crying.

Wow.

And he was like, I don't want to tell you. You're gonna leave me? And I was like, oh, you fucked someone.

Right, He was like yeah, And I knew her. I knew the girl. She was like a supporter of mine for years. Wow.

What supported me and Knor's journey, Like when we were engaged, like commenting on.

The pictures, that's kind of creepy. No, so creepy, so hurtful. I felt so betrayed.

I was just like almost a fan.

Yeah with a fan, Wow, with a fan.

Yeah.

So I was just I was like I don't trust no one. I was just dealing with so much of that, like paranoia, just okay. I was like, this is what's happening, this is who you are.

And then once that happened, it was just his true colors were just a rab and you know, who he really was started to surface and I'm like, oh my.

God, it's too late, Like I'm already pregnant. Guys been dating up until the pregnancy. Two years we were together.

You know, everything happened really fast, so that was just another thing, Like even the getting pregnant, it all happened so fast. But I was like, let's just let's just deal with this. Let's just even though I never really dealt with it, you know, I was just being strong for the sake of her and the fact that I was about to be a mother. Let's try.

Let's just do what we have to do.

And you know, nothing changed on his behalf. And he's he's really young, you know, so he's younger than me. Yeah, he's twenty four, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's just in a completely different headspace than I am. And I was dealing with like I was feeling all of those feelings but not dealing with them because I was I was like, I don't have time to deal with these feelings right now because I have to prepare for amethysts.

And then once she.

Came, like I couldn't deal with it then because she was here, you know, And then he left and I was alone with her, And it was when I was alone with her that there was no more hiding or no more pushing things like under the carpet, like they were coming up, they were surfacing.

I was seeing them. I would start crying, you know, I was.

I was.

Now it was starting to like affect my life.

And that's when I decided to come forward with what I went through because I needed community and I didn't have it. I felt so alone and I was just over and I'm like, I don't I don't want to put myself in a position where I feel like something deep.

Could happen, you know. So I did it to like save my life.

I think a lot of times, as a woman, we do put so many like marbles into like our men and our relationships that we forget like the community, the sisterhood, the village that it's important, you know, and that doesn't happen the way you wanna happen to happen.

Then who who do you go to?

Right?

What do you when you so when you decided to start let's talk, I mean I was this based out of people because I'm sure I'm assuming connecting to your story and wanting and feeling like I can relate to you and like, okay, how can we all get into a room together?

MM?

When you guys come together.

Like I I like, do you guys just share your stories as a single as single parents and single moms.

It's for for most it's a it's form single mothers.

Yeah.

So I I mean even like I was working at pictures that I was telling I was telling you, I was so bubb that I missed.

This last one because it just looked so beautiful. It looked so emotional, so and like a a place where people can kind of just like let it all out.

I just cry.

That's the atmosphere. The atmosphere is you can come and r just be. You know, if you don't wanna talk, you don't have to talk. If you don't want to be seen, you don't have to be seen. But if you do, you can. If you want to cry, you can. I mean, there was so many different elements of it. I was taking it, like sitting back, taking it all and like.

Look at this.

Look at how powerful we are when we come together. Look at how beautiful we are when we come together. They were like two random moms that just met. Who was like one of the mom's like expressing milk out of the other mom's boob.

This is beautiful. I love this and there was some mixy situations there too.

There was a mom who was like the mistress of another mom, like the guys you don't.

Situation.

That's how she came.

And they didn't know they were going to be coming together, and they know they were both there.

They were both no girl feeling. I mean, so so how yes, I know? I mean because I wanted to be there.

I want everyone's feeling that emotions are valid in a space like let's talk, you know, so, I mean, but I didn't want it to get crazy, so I told her. She approached me and she's like, I'm feeling really triggered right now, like the woman who just spoke broke me and my family up.

Oh my god.

And I was like, Okay, your feelings are valid. How you feel right now is valid, but.

Like surrender to surrender to your anger. Don't allow that to you know.

Change your experience and all of this, like still allow yourself to be open, you know, choose forgiveness, you know, like let's let's come together. Because I mean, in a moment like that, I was thinking, how would I.

React, right, I'm thinking of right now, I might see.

Red honestly, right right?

But she kept her composure and stayed and she stayed, and you know, it was it was beautiful, but things like that. I was telling many elements, but ultimately it was very very very supportive people. I mean, we passed the mic around and I just wanted everyone to introduce themselves to one another.

What's your name, what do you identify? You know, why are you here? Things like that, and then from.

There the discussion just naturally kind of picks up. We weren't able to get too too deep in because there was so many women and we didn't have a lot of time, but we hit the we hit the hit the surface of a lot, and we got to hear just a small bit of everyone's story and it was beautiful. So I think my next one it's going to be much more low key and were.

We'll actually be able to have a discussion, right, you know, So I think the one huge commonality but I'm just thinking, because I'm thinking about your VET and single motherhood is I think for the.

Most part, not in all cases, because some people choose to have kids alone. Even those cases, Honestly, I think that we're spoon fed like this image of family and we have this fairy tale like idea of how we're supposed to be and how like when you have kids, you're supposed to have a partners, you supposed have a spouse, supposed to be married with, have a white fucking picket fence.

We're supposed to have.

Help, you know, and and a lot of times we even married women, you know, go through stuff and don't have that support. But I think that's huge. That's the first disappointment. That's the first like it's almost it's traumatizing.

Look when you.

Realize, like this fairy tale story that you like cut out. And I think that's why a lot of women go back and go back and go back and endure a lot of bullshit because we are so gung ho about the father, the mother, the children, like what a family looks like, and not being like an unwed single moment, especially for women of color, I think too is like, oh great, I'm gonna be like a single mom, you know, like a single blackgma.

This is there's a stigma attached to it, you know.

And I just sometimes but like not so much now, but before, like I could literally just think about that and cry just in any in any situation.

Oh yeah, I'll be walking down the street, like, look at that half motherfucker family. Yeah, no, of course.

So it doesn't matter where you come from, what your background is, but class like socially, you know, but those that disappointment that you know, it's such so hard to digest and to understand, so like a community like that, you know, to realize, oh shit, like I'm not the only one.

Oh, this doesn't make my family any less whole. I can do this, I can see you doing it, and I can call a friend that Name's a huge difference.

And when you're in a when you're in a space like that with so many different women who have so many different stories, you realize that your situation is not that bad and it makes you grateful because some of the things that these women.

Have gone through, I mean, I oh my god, Like it was hard to hear.

It was hard to even think that some women can go through that and endure certain levels of abuse, like in front of their kids, and you know, having their power taken away by a man, and you know, having to build yourself up from like being stripped down to nothing, you know, like raped of of who you are. So I hear those stories and it makes me feel so blessed. It makes me feel so grateful, and I know my situation can be worse. It's it's hard, I stuffer, I

I can do this for them. I can provide these things for them because it's.

Not that bad and it is so much So how does their father feel about your your cause an advocate of single moms, because to him does he feel because you know, also, there's this whole idea of what a single mom is. Right, you're not a single mom because the dad is around, right, But like, no, it's not true.

Only single doesn't exist. It's disappeared from that.

He does.

He follows, Oh my god, yes, yes, oh my god very much.

So when I when I when I first came out our girl, oh my god, please don't Jesus.

No, no, no, no, baby, you're biting me and it's not okay, you're tired. When I first came out with the post, he was, oh my god. His whole family, his family, Yeah, they were like, you know, take your business offline and that doesn't have anything.

To do with the rest of the world.

And you're you're painting him out to be a monster and all these things like he's he's a good person, and I'm like, okay, you're making it all about him and this has nothing to do with him.

This has everything to.

Do with me and what I'm going through because guess what, I'm the one here with my baby. I'm by myself with her, and he has his freedom.

Right, he's doing what he has.

He's doing, he's living his life.

I don't have that, so I need support because if I don't, I'm gonna go crazy.

Period. So he, I mean, he still resents me. He holds mad resentment for me, O the like over like everything about me coming out and then what came of it, you know.

Even seeing the beautiful community that you're building. He doesn't. He doesn't understand.

I'm just curious, Like I get, and I mean I don't want to say I get, but like the actual what you do bring women together?

Does he feel like excluded from that because he feels like for sure, yeah, he's Does he consider himself a single parent?

No? And I want to tell that, like, I don't think he considers me a single mom. He'll say to me, like I I'm here, you know. I'm I'm willing to be a part of their lives. What is wrong?

Baby?

What? Baby?

What is the matter?

I'm just afraid you're gonna bite me. I don't wanna be bit.

Just got promise.

But but yeah, cause he feels because you know, he wants to be there, but you know he's in England, I'm in New York.

That that's why.

And it's not that adult. It's so much deeper than that, and so much deeper than that. But he doesn't get it. I think he's intimidated by by what I've created, and I feel like in a way he wish, he wished that he had something like that. But I mean, what what has he gone through to, you know, to provoke him.

To do something like that.

He He's has not experienced any t I've never hurt him in ways that he or disrespected him in the ways that he did to us.

So amat this No? Hey, well, I mean not say anything but the truth, you know what I'm saying? Like, Yeah, So do you think he'd move here?

Or you would?

Would you move there?

He won't move here?

Would you move there?

Yeah?

I don't I want to because like I want, I wanted to live there before I even met him, you know, so, and I want them to go to school out there. I think the school system is light years better out there than it is over here, so and it will be easier. I mean when he is here, the help. He helps me a lot. And I mean that's what it comes down to.

I just need help.

Yeah.

Fuck, I wanted to do the Damn this is a lot, right, So.

What's like, do you have time to date?

What is that?

Like she's even on your radar? Like em will you are you still in love with with?

Like?

Ha?

Would you have another baby?

Would you?

Would you consciously do have another baby with him? As a single?

Hell?

Like, wherever I go after this, I want to feel.

I want to feel so secure and in whatever whatever situation I'm I enter after this. I mean, I've learned so much from this baby, don't. I'm not the same person I was before being with Canner. I'm a lot I'm hm.

My spirit is like fierce, you know, and I feel like.

Yes, you know what I mean, feel so powerful?

Yeah, I mean because I look, I'm here taking care of two humans every.

Single day, you know, creating trying like I.

Think about my legacy often and I think about how I want them to remember me once I'm gone, and it's just I don't have the energy to give. I don't have the time to give anyone who's just not authentic, solid, pure and.

Just down, you know down.

And people are not like that, I mean my experience so far. I mean, people are just not solid, you know. And I do blame a lot on social media. Everyone wants to be.

A somebody, everybody.

Wants to be and are so easily distracted. There's always like, oh let me try that exactly, you know.

Yeah, but you know you have to come back into who you are, like your humanity because what if what if the Wi Fi was turned off forever?

Right?

How would you identify like yourself as who are you then? Without without your phone?

Who are you?

Right?

Who are you? Well? How would you be?

Who are you?

Without your fifty thousands?

Because it's so funny, like how followers are, like how we value people, like how there's like a personal currency so.

Straight legitimately, legitimately or importance is based on your followers.

And that's absolutely all shit because I've met I've met people like these influencers that aren't shit.

They're not terrible people.

Yeah, not everyone obviously, but like a lot of them are though, or like empty people, like Hi, I'm trying to hello, yeah, like like like we were even just.

Talking about someone posted something the other day like I'm so tired.

Of these women who are are throwing these female empower empowering events but are mean.

Girls in real life.

Oh my god.

That like when you see they see these girls and they post all these pretty pictures and they seem like, oh, they're so pro woman problem, and then you meet them and it's like they could give a fuck about who you are, why you came to their event, and don't even care to even engage in a real conversation with you. You're more worried about taking the perfect perfect picture to fit their curated feet.

And it's just like, wow, it's the norm now, though, And I feel like that's what's made me so withdrawn from connecting to people and even you know, allowing like allowing the thoughts to enter my head.

Of people being around my babies. I'm like no, no, no, no, no no no, So that holds me back. You're also in a very vital time right now. You have two under two.

You know, you're not even thirty races. He would be twenty nine.

Yeah, that's a lot. That's that's a lot. Like and and you're doing it by yourself, you know.

And I think because we got a we got an advice question to be read that advice question someone asked about getting like she was saying, like her friend was telling her she's making excuses she can't go out, but the baby's like not even a year old.

Ye oh my god.

Yeah, and I'm just like my friends didn't understand why like that she's.

Yeah, like couldn't do other ship anymore. But like, was that other front a parent?

Because it yeah, why why because you're not you don't understand because you're not you can't understand you're not a parent.

People say that to me all the time.

Oh, you use your kids as an excuse to like be a bitch, because people think because I don't go and meet up with them that I'm a bitch, or if I don't answer my phone when they call me, I'm a bitch. But it's like I got real things that I'm tending to and people can't hear that, and people who aren't parents.

Don't understand that. So I mean I'm not here.

I'm just too tired to like explain myself to you or anyone, you know what I mean, Like if you understand and if you want to be my friend and you know, like offer me some sort of like any form of like conversation anything, that's cool.

But if not, then just keep it pushing, like I don't have the energy.

Yea.

And there is like when you have like, first of all, the first year, like you're pregnant one year.

When there's the first year, you're like you have a baby connected to your titty at all times. It's like basically a cow.

Yeah seriously, And then like and too, they get their kind of more independent, so it does. It's like a two year minimum situation where like she's gonna shift and then not to mention, you have to get back to yourself, which is like wait, who am I now?

Can I do this?

Can I do that?

Wait?

I can't do Molly on Friday?

Wait?

Maybe on Eve? You know, like okay, maybe I shouldn't, you know, like I love you. It's true, it's true.

It's not like you can't ever no, oh my god, like weeks ago, yeah, we.

Did God, I can't wait. No, literally, like I don't hate to say that, you like, I just want to be able. I want to know that like I will have fun again, Yes you will.

There's like yes, she's like no not for a while, that was weird timing, like no, you know, yeah.

And then there's always going to be moms because I have friends who you know, who are in similar situations, have two kids.

And honestly, this is what aside from I was going to say, I think sometimes women.

Who have don't understand what you're going through. And maybe, like like you said, your mom had that shift and she she decided to leave that guy. A woman who can't, who can't tap into that which is it's hard. There's envy even though you're struggling and there's things that are hard. People will turn your numnose up on you and judge you because they can't do the things that you do.

And then even for.

Erica and I, like, you know, we have this platform and we do the shit we do, and you know, we make a lot of we make a lot of jokes about our bad choices quote unquote, But the truth is is like our kids are a little bit older now, you know, and we're not bad moms. But I think that I have friends who are like, oh, you do kind of go out a lot, Like no, if you're just locked in the house, so you're telling so you're.

Jealous of my friend.

I wouldn't want that would make me feel like shit if someone said that, of course, because we're triggered by someone who's coming at our motherhood.

That's like the number you want to get in a fight quick talk shit about somebody's mother. I oh my god, you know, absolutely, So it's important to know that there is like at the end of the tunnel and.

Find and balance and finding balance, and you're in a place right now. Probably her balance is hard.

You know.

I mean I went out two nights in a row, like Saturday, Sunday, and I woke up this morning. I'm like, damn, like I did that, Like I did two nights in a row, Like should I have been here?

She just got out of the hospital, but I just needed it. I'm like the mom guilt, the mom guilt came.

But she was fine. She's perfectly fine. She's fine. They're fine. It's just you know, I'm always like they need me. They just they need me. They I'm their mother and they need me, and so I have to be here. But they also need to learn independence.

Yeah, and I think like raising an independent child this morning, because we're not always gonna be there, and and you don't always want him to you know, you want them to socialize them And I'd be like, my daughter's with my dad right now in Philly and I'm like, here, here's your grandpa.

Time have a good time, like.

You know I had. Oh, this is a major one. I actually I was entertaining the thought of letting Amethysts go to England.

With her dad for a little bit.

And I and I went over it with my mom because you know, we want to be validated by our loved ones.

And she went crazy.

She was like, how could you ever even you know, how could you even consider something like that.

That's your child and that's your father and he has to learn.

Yeah, and I deserve, like it's.

Time you've give you know, you put in your work, You've put in your work a lot, and he's had the he's had the fucking.

Time. So yeah, sometimes but the mamma guilt that the mom has passed on to the daughters. Shit.

But you know what, I think that is too.

I'm realizing I think mom, like not that moms can be lowkey haters, but like we are in a different time. They didn't have this community. They didn't have this power. This enlightened may be like, hey, I have a place.

Even my mom with this podcast, I was like, did you have a place to go listen to other women going through your experience?

What did you do?

And she was like cause she first she's like I don't understand. You're telling your business and we radeos and happening, and I'm like.

Who this baby?

Women?

Can we created a community like where like I can connect to another woman that's going through my experience and I feel connected and it makes me, you know, I'm not alone.

And it just keeps trickling and trickling, as you know. And it's like she couldn't understand, because now she gets it more and more so, but she was like, I don't understand. Like I'm like, yeah, cause you.

Didn't have it.

It's a generational condition and you didn't have her grand her great great grandmother taught her great great grandmother, you know, and like you suffer in silence.

You don't tell everybody, you don't nobody your business like that.

That's the that's the biggest thing, Like no one needs to know your business. How you know, how people look at you matters, Like what they think of you matters. You have to come off like you're you're perfect. And it's like a lot of those women.

They have they kill themselves. They are so tormented from within that they can't take it and they take.

Either their kids' lives or their lives. And that's not happening, Like, no, not on my time, not on my watch. If your mother, you know who has connected with me, I'm gonna care for you. I'm gonna provide you with the with the resources so that you don't feel like you want to end yourself, you know, because that's what that's what suffering in silence leads to. That. So, I mean, I don't know how our ancestors did it, you know, community you know they have.

I mean it was hard, but I mean I mean think about that age mentality.

It's real.

Come from like a very real indigenous place.

It does like I'm going to fear the cooking.

I don't know at what point in like the motherhood a parenthood breakdown, that community became less and less and less, that we became more and more isolated where women are supposed to figure this shot on their own. Colonly don't ask for help, and you don't ask your friends for help. You feel guilty for like asking for help, and like I mean.

It's also like the patriarch patriarchy and like having the men be these you know, they're the gods and they're in power, and we're voiceless, we're we're just the woman.

They've actually painted a picture and we've accepted. I've read something the other day and it's like the most we uphold the patriarchy the most, Yeah, because we've allowed it to sustain this long, you know, and we've allowed we've we've adopted their image of us and how we're supposed to be. And this is like the beginning I think of a turnover in that series of events.

I guess that's true.

I guess that's true because there's things in my mind that I know are totally programmed through society and through the male, through the male voice and eyes and all those things you know that I had to check myself.

In and I check myself all the time, like why do I feel that way? Wait?

Why do I think? Why do I feel bad? Why don't you know? Like why can't I do this? As I'm somebody's mama.

I need to wear broad I can't really see through top right now stays fed somebody they need to be seen.

I love it.

I love it. I really really do women need to feel that more like you're beautiful, You're yeah, you're secre feeling hard. Yeah, you know, even when it comes down to pain, I've been dealing. I'm still I've been so triggered by this abortion.

Man, it's really, oh.

My god, it's just well, it puts I can't even it makes me emotional because I'm still processing my abortion, and I just I feel very triggered. And you know, a lot of things have been coming up a lot of my feelings about my abortion, and you know, like kind of like post traumatic stress where I can be thinking about something about that and like start crying and I'll talk to my friends and they're like, yo.

You need to speak to like dude, like you need to hit him up and like just have closure with it.

And I feel like most women would never like ever, they would, They're just afraid of I don't know what, maybe like the rejection, maybe if the other person won't care.

And with me, like I don't care, like I don't care what he feels. I'm gonna speak about how I feel.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna shine light, I'm gonna vent, I'm gonna express myself.

I'm gonna, I don't care if it.

Makes you uncomfortable, because like I'm hurting, you know. And that's the thing that I see with a lot of women. They will be in so much pain, but just keep it in, keep it, let it build, let it and then they snap. And I'm just not comfortable knowing that that's a possibility that I can, you know, get myself to a place like that.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna address it.

And I want to inspire women to address your traumas, address your abusers, call, call your mom out, call your call whoever, call them out, and let it be known and watch how you feel for your own healing.

And that's what it takes. And I realized that with let's talk, it's.

Like healing and therapy comes with communication, our words speaking like we free ourselves.

We heal ourselves through.

Words because we're when we physically speak words out into existence, you're able to look at them, you know, and and come at it from different places instead of just holding it in and it just being like this one dimensional dimensional thing.

Inside of you.

And there's a lot of power and speak Like even being here and us talking, it's like someone listening to this is gonna be like whoa, Oh my god. I felt that, but I didn't think about it that way. And I am gonna hit this person up. And because I've been wanting to, I just I've been afraid. And you don't have to be afraid. You don't have to be afraid because you're dealing with yourself at the end of the day, when you're laying in your bed with all your thoughts, what's that person doing?

You know, what that person thinks of you isn't going to heal you like heal yourself.

That's so true.

Our testimonies are powerful and they matter so true.

Well, I am so I want to get you out of here because you like turning out there like okay, return to mama, what are you doing?

But I just want to thank you.

So much for coming here and just like sharing your energy with us and like even just being like yeah, I'll come whatever, and not knowing us from anywhere. I appreciate and I really love, I love, I love what you're doing. Your movements so important, so necessary. Don't stop. I know it's hard, and I know you know it can feel lonely out of here, you know, but you're building something where you don't have to be alone. You're building such a beautiful community so much, and we need it. Yeah,

It's so it's like hurtful.

Yeah, well we do the most bringing people into the world and being overlooked.

It's like, yeah, we're being overlooked and a lot of times thrown away like what did you do?

Why are you single?

Right?

Is right?

And you know, I feel the most powerful I've ever felt as a single parent, more powerful than I did.

As a woman with a man and a baby.

Right, you know, my singleness has empowered me in ways that I'm so grateful for.

I'm so grateful to that I'm single. I'm so glad I'm not married. I'm so glad that she didn't work out who were you married or was going to be?

I was planning my wedding and then it just all my it was I thought the end of my life, you know, but it was just the beginning.

It's so funny hearing both these stories. And look, look what's birthed out of those dis then disappointments. Look at the platforms, the communities that you've built out of those those disappointments. And that's for any woman who's in a situation, any mom right now who thinks it's the end of the road and there's nowhere to go, and you're sad and life's ended, and fuck, where's my picket fence?

Right?

You have when you tap into your power, you have Literally these are testimonies. These are living people like you have no idea what's out there for you. Disappointments are the beginning of birthing big things.

They nourish you.

You have you have to face it, though, you do have to face it.

And that's what I've had to learn because I'm I'm a I'm a good I'm good at suppressing.

Mm, pushing it down, pushing it.

As women, we are because that's what we do. We move forward, We move forward. We don't talk about it.

We have to, yeah, because if you I I can't be falling apart, like you know, like who who's gonna catch me?

Right? No one's here. I'm like alone, So I can't.

I literally physically cannot allow myself to not even victimize myself.

I just can't allow myself to.

Be weak in certain moments like I have to dig it up, even if it's the small smallest amount of strength. I dig that shit up, and I have that fuel me and push me into getting out of bed.

And doing what I have to do. Thank you for sharing and tell us O let's match where they can find you. My instagram is at Mela Murder, m e La, m u R and d e er.

And if there's any single moms or moms out there who are seeking community, you can email me directly at Let's Talk moother at gmail dot com and I respond to you directly. And we're just trying to expand the movement of this gathering and you know, hopefully we can be in the city near you and follow at Let's Talk Yes, at Let's Talk Mother.

Thank you, Hello on you guys can know where to find us at Good Mom's underscore Bad Choices and our website www dot Good Moms by choices dot com.

We'll see next time.

Bye bye, hud goos By High is coming down.

Don't fit me, Gujaboo does not even do.

I think I need a complication. The girl kids burning oh wood today