Breaking news, guys. I Erica Nicole Dickerson. I'm in a relationship again with the same.
Person for the fourth time as we're obsessed.
Yeah, I'm back in my relationship. We're working it out. I thought I wanted to be in the streets, but then I said, no, I don't want to be Take me back, please, I don't want to go back to the streets. I don't want to be in the streets. The streets are not the streets are not good. I don't want to be there. Welcome back to good Mom's bad choices. I'm Erica, and I'm Miila. Happy Wednesday, y'all.
Happy hump Day tribe.
Thanks for joining us again and again and again and again and again and again and again.
I think around episode like two hundred and seventy six or something like that.
I know, I know, I'm really proud of us.
That's crazy because.
I don't I know, like I have a podcast, but I don't like to talk that much. I think I only talk here and then I'm silent.
I think you talked.
Anyone wants to talk to me. I get really irritated with I'm like, do you know how much I just fucking talked today one hour straight.
Most people were talking that much just because so consider yourself lucky you have you're talking with the purpose most of the time.
One of the comments we went to go look on every now and then we read your comments.
Guys.
For the most part, our comments or are sorry, our reviews are really positive. However, I did notice a bit in the in the reviews said that we ramble, and that might be true. You might have listened to a rambling ass episode. I feel like we, for the most part, we have a good structure happening these days, but in the early days there's a lot of rambling.
Probably I figured that she's just not familiar with the show, because this is the part where we it's not even rambling. We're just saying, hey, what's up. That's how you start a phone call. You don't just jump into the topic. You get there. She's like, teach me, show me this great. She's used to some very highly designed podcasts.
Well, there are some podcasts that are very structured, and they are great. Those are great, Those are great for certain people, are even great for me. I enjoy those two. I feel like she must have been a Capricorn or something. Listening, she was expecting structure off the bat.
I feel like I expect that in real life conversations structure. I just want you to get to the point quickly. Oh, I realize I have no patience for like too much talking, probably because I'm talking myself so often. But I realized that, like, if people are drawing out his story, it ear ritates me, like irritates me. And I was like, if you need to have more patience in your life, and like someone just I was somewhere and they're telling a very drawn out story, and I was just like, please get to
the point. And I looked around at everyone else and they seem very patient, you know. And I was like, I'm a bitch.
You know sometimes, you know, and it annoys me when I'm like, bitch, can you read the room? Like read the room?
People can't read the room?
Read I sometimes like can they not read the room or did they just actively choose not to read the room?
I wish I was the type of person who couldn't read the room.
I do too. I read the room, I know, I know, I really Actually I am envious of that bitch that told the drawn out story because the moment I feel like my story is too long, I start stuttering and then I'll just like end it.
It was like a lot of people too, so it wasn't like there was a heavy energy. And I looked around to be like, am I the only one who feels like this is could have gotten a little bit to the point quicker. And then I just realized, like I just don't give myself enough like grace with time because I don't have a lot of time because I'm always in like work rush mode, and so everything in my life also has to be under that time constraint, including other people talking.
Know me, and people talking too much. I will zone the fuck out fast, and it's not good. It's actually like become a problem in my life because sometimes people are saying important shit and they might say like two words that I'm like mm mmm, and then it's like click, turn off. Then I missed the whole point of the whole conversation that was really important. I'm trying to retrain my brain. I think that, like I have, I struggle with active listening.
I struggle with active listening. So I try and then I'll go out and I'll come back in, and why are we going to.
Be interviewers that struggle with active listening.
I really focus when we were interviewing people because I don't want to look dumb. But sometimes I'm like, I hope she's listening because I fucking miss that whole thing. And sometimes people when like I Luna telling me stories, I'm like, fuck, would she say I saw this episode of Blackish? And they were and they did that. The mom kept missing the important thing that the daughter was telling her, and I was like, what a bit, And
then I started doing it. I was like, oh no, yeah, I struggle for sure.
Oh my god, I'm starting to catch on to my really bad memory. She's really She's like, Mom, we talked to this yesterday. Mom, you met her? You met that person's mom. Like, I don't remember any of the mom's names, and she's like, you've met her, and I'm like, I don't think I have. She's like, you have liked God, she's gonna know I smoked weed too, you.
So one days I'm gonna tell her, like, you know, your mom doesn't remember shit because she's smoking weed. That was another one of our comments. One of our reviews was that was only one of like three bad reviews. It's the Black Girl Fry from four years ago. I told this guy at the bar, that's my favorite one. It's my favorite one. And then there's uh, we ramble, and then there's the third one is that we're promoting bad parenting because all we do is get high, and
we're not promoting getting high. We just said it works for us.
I'm getting high right now, are you about? I'm currently getting smoking my little backwood. Is that the vanilla This is the vanilla baby. That's only when I smoked with for these days. I was on the honey for a minute, but now I'm straight vanilla baby, and my backwoods. Rolling skills are different. I don't know. You rolled them like this way, right, that's how you roll them?
Yeah, I am not my backwards rolling it's different.
It is because, like I had to figure out this shit, okay, because I started smoking backwards because I liked them, But then I couldn't roll them, so then I felt very slow, and so I just had to figure out my own special way. I don't know, what are you doing different? Well, when Stephanie showed us how to roll it backwood at our retreat, she rolled it this way like she was.
Rolling it she's rolling it the way you unraveled it.
Yeah, I roll it like a joint like this way.
Oh okay, I kind of see. Yeah, there's different ways.
I feel like people are like backwood rolling elitists. There are Oh you didn't roll it the right way. I'm like, bitch, who made you the backwood expert? Ho? So this is how I rolled my joints. This is how this backwards getting rolled.
Bitch.
Okay, so that's what's happening here.
Okay, Well how are you? How are you?
I'm good? I actually I think I am fucking sad. We're gonna have to rip this little piece off boom. I'm good, I'm great, I'm tam I have braids in you.
Guys, we both have braids. You know when two bitches have the same productive style, Know what that means. We're on our way to the good Vibeer tree. We both have braids, so it means we're in retreat healer mode. We're leaving in less than forty eight hours to go host our first good vibe or tree in sightly to Mexico. You're still roaming for the second trip. If you're a last minute bitch, now is the time to book the
second week. First week sold out. But if you are listening to this and it's before July twelfth, pull up bonus.
Use pull up bomb, and use code Meditate for five hundred dollars.
Off, you deserve a vacation. I know, I really, I'm really looking forward to.
This me too. I can't fucking wait. This is just a whole new vibe. We've never taken the girls to Mexico, and there's just different offerings too. I'm really excited about the to Mescal Sweat Lodge experience, the Clay Beach experience, just the food, the culture, the property is so fucking beautiful. It's just a different vibe. Like we're on the ocean, Like every room is ocean front. We're in Costa Rica, we're near we're near the ocean, but we're really like
tucked away in the jungle. So I just feel like some magical shit is gonna happen, and I just can't wait.
Every single retreat, magical shit happens. And I recently came back from a retreat for my Tantra certification that I will be done with in six months, God willing.
My God, I'm gonna start in six months again. I can't believe they did that to me.
I think I thought you kind have pushed it to the medal. I'm happy.
I was too stressful.
I'm stressed, right, I couldn't have done Can you tell I'm stressed?
Right? I couldn't have done it. I was like, I will wait.
Yeah, I'm you know. I thought like maybe God made us do something separately because I went to the retreat the first time. I've been nervous about it for months. But then I went to retreat and there was forty people that I only saw on zoom like six times this year, maybe twelve on zoom. But I was just like, how am I? How am I nervous about something that I ask people to do? Come to a foreign country by yourself, You'll make friends, don't worry.
It's totally fine. Don't be a pussy.
But then it was totally fine. And it's like literally every time any I think any type of retreat, when people come with like open minds and open hearts, beautiful things happen when you make when you create that container. Because I definitely had about your new favorite word container.
You've been saying it a lot lately.
Maybe I'm talking about the containers I've been in.
Is it like a tantra word that they said a lot at the retreat?
I don't know.
It has to be, because it is the bit you've been using that I've heard your lease say it ten times. Maybe I'm talking about my retreat, Okay, But I just never heard you say this word ever in our five years, seven year friendship. They just they just even noticed that she's been saying container a lot to you.
Did She's known you five years and they think you can't pull out in new vocabulary.
You never said you in my life, I've never heard you say this word, and you've said it at least seven times to me. And I'm like, okay, maybe because you asked that maybe my tanger retreat and I was expressing to you what a beautiful container it was.
Because that is a word that I'm using correctly.
I'm not using it correctly. I'm just acknowledging. I'm just purely pointing out that you've learned a new vocabulary and it just can't stop using it.
Containers not a new word. So I think you are just putting me in a box. You won't let me expand out of or my vocabulary. How dare you?
How dare you learn another word without me? How when on one retreat you learn new words?
You know what else I've been saying? I thought, you know word?
I haven't I used what I'm I cappy with that word.
You know what other word I've been using a lot? In gorge?
Please don't use that word. That's not like a cute word.
You don't even know how I used it. I didn't tell you the sentence, will go ahead? What the fuck is your problem? You can't put your yone egg in until you're becoming gorged? You know it. First of all, there's nothing ill about being gorged.
I don't want to hear about my puss. I never want the word my vagina and in gorged to be in one sentence together.
Okay, Well, you find a new word for your vulva being filled with blood fluffed erect, the clitoris becomes erect.
I know that's also a term that they say, and that's true. But I feel like we can we can find better words.
Anyway, left, I had a great time at my retreat, A lot of people that I probably would have never met otherwise.
I should do this.
Oh, now, my phone's dying. You think we should cut it off. Now we're going live on Instagram while we're recording this episode. We're trying new things. Honey up that blunt honey up, look beautiful.
It is, look right. Besides the end, I rolled it like a joint and like all you blackwoods elitists can kiss my ask. It's just how I roll my backwards. Now, you don't have to put your whole fucking mouth over the blank, because that would be that actually would irritate the funk.
People who usually rolled would do so much.
It's they put the whole. They like this. It's kind of how much a whole they like suck it like a little dick. It's erotic, and they put their whole fucking mouth on it and have the audacity then pass it to me. I'm like, obviously did this to you, and I've seen it done by like a lot of rappers.
As soon as you said that, I just saw a lot of like it's very spitty backward many times in my in my life like that. You don't overdo it. If you do too much, that's not it's perfect. Yeah, new couch, it's not the couch, is it. It's gonna it's gonna be hard to to like if it's too.
No, no, no, it's perfect, it's perfect.
Just hair. It's really getting on my nurse this morning. Ill we word add. I'm like, ell, that's anyway. No, that's perfect, I'm perfect.
Fuck is rough? Don't be in on my confidence today. Yesterday I was spiraling on the stories. So today I feel better?
Are you spiraling?
I just woke up and I was like, I felt depressed. I was like, I told you that yesterday. I was like, am I active? Am I?
Like?
What did I say? Am I high? Active? Depressed? I know, highly functioning, highly functioning depressed person. I was like, cause, I'm getting shit done, but I'm sad the whole time. Or I'm just like I'm tired. I took a nap where you were at my house the other day? When do I take naps?
Right, we've been traveling.
I never take naps. I was napped, and then I don't have my computer broke. I have been without a computer for damn near month.
Ab though I'm taking a nap, I feel.
Handicapped without my computer, and so it's I think it's actually making me sad.
And probably making your mind rest like it's intended.
No, because we have shit to do and I can't do it for my phone, and my phone gives me anxiety. So therefore my computer is usually like the thing that helps me get off my phone that I can get shit done more effectively, and so now have to be I was supposed to send an email like three days ago, and I just can't because I have to do it for my phone and it's kind of an It's an intense email that requires links and things, and I've just been avoiding it.
I guess these are Lando's computer because my computer is now not going to get there for the girls get there, and I need to study anyway.
So when I was spiraling, I decided to go outside and go for a run because I've also been in
my overeating phase. I don't know about anyone else. I don't know if this is like a trigger moment, trigger advisory, but I talk about this in the book too, Like I've always struggled with like good eating habits, and sometimes like when I'm either when I'm depressed, I won't eat it all, or I overeat, like excessively overeat, like to the point where I feel sick and I've been noticing that I've been doing that lately, like late night, where I've just been eating lots of ice cream late at
night and then eating like three tortillas with butter, and then I know it's gross.
Three like just tortillas was butter, and by itself, it's just not.
Da calls it the.
Mexican pinion butter and jelly.
But that's because my grandma made that for me when I was a kid. She would put the tortilla on the stove. She put some butter, little salt, pepper, maybe some garlic powder. Roll that bitch up and it's fucking delicious.
It is sounds like a kid's neck. It's I think, yeah, that is a kid snack for sure.
It's so good. But nobody needs to eat three of those and ice cream fucking sandwich. Nobody. So I woke up and I was like, bitch, what's wrong with you? I was like, you need to go move your body. So I went for a run, and I like was had an attitude the whole time I was running, like I don't want to do this shit. And then the moment I got back to my house, I was like, huh, I feel better, and then I put makeup on. I was like, you're fine, like all like, you're fine and
and awl, so you're fine. And then I put clothes on. I was like, oh my god, they still fit. Thank god.
Three tourtias later they still fit.
They was a little tight, they were a little tighty shorts are a little tight right now. But and then I said, Okay, today is a new day. You can start over. And that's why today were supposed to bet at ten. And I said, no, I need to go run again because I got to like keep the momentum going, because I'm not going to fall into this weird cycle of low high functioning depression.
That you that you self prescribed self. What is it self diagnosed? Self diagnosed yourself with Yesterday, Yes.
I decided to not engorge myself with tortillas and ice cream and instead be active, beautiful.
I'm so happy for you. Anyway, what else has been going on? We haven't caught up in quite some time. I feel like it's been a minute since we've been here. I think i've the last four weeks I've been in town. One week I went to we went to Miami, I went to Philadelphia, I went to Mexico and now I'm going to Mexico again, traveling ass bitch. I prayed for this. I guess you could be careful what you pray for.
Well, you know what I really I don't like being home.
Yeah, I feel you.
When I was getting on the plane to go, secretly surprised my nigga that almost went haywire. I got on, I got on the plane, I was like, I was just out of town like five days ago, like a week ago. I went to Orlando with his family or whatever the fuck I did, and I was like, why am I? Why am I leaving again? Well, because I miss him and I'm not going to see him for like over probably like a month and a half. But b I think it's I just don't like being here.
I really actively like searching flights like that is my hobby. No, that turns me on. I've been searching for hotels in Europe for three weeks, like gleefully haven't booked one.
I'd like to look at stuff too. I really want to go to Bali. I really want to. Yeah. I like to move around, and I like, is really not that exciting. It's not an exciting place. It generally has good, some good restaurants, mostly sushi, and it's good weather. But like other than that, someone was asking me where to go, and I was like, I don't go out in LA unless my friend's having a live show.
I did start writing things down because I'm tired of people. Thank you, Orlando. I'm tired of people asking me what to do in LA And like, I went to a random brunch the other day that I found on Yelp, and I was like, this was great. I should write this down so people know when they come, like where I should where I can tell them where to go. I went to another spot. I was like, I should write this down because I really don't. I really don't go out so every now and then I when I do,
I just won't forget. Later on, six months later, when someone asks me what to do.
People tell me something, and then like one year later, I text them like, did you say a lot of scargo on Thursday? And did? I say? I'm gonna go? And then I don't because it gets eight o'clock and I realized, no, I'm not.
Yeah, oh we don't see and I forget because there is a good night of Latist gargo.
Yeah, there is that you tell me about seventeen months about Tuesdays and it's salsa class. I think it's Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I don't know, but I literally I text in every six months to ask her about it and with intentions to go and then never go. And I'm a just in case anyone wants to know random fact about Mela. I'm a top notch, exceptionally bomb ass salsa dancer, every salsa dancing in Mexico because everybody needs to see these moves.
We'll go out and we'll find some sauces.
Yeah, we need to go do some salcea dancing. So yeah, La is not it, but apparently everywhere else is well.
I try to sneak away. I did. I snuck away to New York. I didn't tell anyone except my friends because I'm still in my thirties, terrified of my mother and didn't want her to know where I was at. So if you know her, shut the fuck up.
She's good. That's a rap. Too late now and you decided to tell them story soon? You know, usually lie and you tell the story six months later, so it seemed to lose it. This is coming out pretty soon, bitch. I yeah.
I was just like, you know what, let me go pull up on this man real quick. And so I went over there and.
Not pull up on this man? Do you want to? I think our listeners are confused. I think like some weeks you say you have a boyfriend, and then some weeks she was like, oh yeah, my nigga, and they're probably like, bitch, should.
I hard launch again?
Maybe I just feel some type of like clear like transparency to our community. I know every other week Erica has a new relationship status, but like she's back on. So I just wanted to not to preference that because I think everyone is in the car like I am bitch, and I'm.
Happy because everyone's in the car like A'm bitch.
And right now they're like, yeah, I'm happy he said something bitch, I know, because she's gonna trying to smooth clean go around that.
But no, okay, so here goes guys, breaking news. I am no longer it's cool. Okay, Wow, you really ruining my fucking hard lodge with your coughs.
That's kind of how it happened in real life when she told me.
Oh, okay, I'm just we broke up, but not really.
But she's a friend who keeps breaking them, getting by it together and keeps re launching to her friends. Your mom just heard you talk about talk about her life. Her mom just called her you guys because she told her she heard her through thin air say I lied to you, and now she called.
Mom. Let me call you back.
Okay, are you with Princess Jasmin? Yes?
Call her iPad. I never never can do that. Okay, Bye. Anyway, real life shit happening, guys. Okay, so let me do that again. Breaking news, guys. I Erica Nicole Dickerson. I'm in a relationship again with the same person.
For the fourth time.
As we're obsessed. Wait, what's all We're were listening to a fucking poor minds. You're like, this is you, bitch? It was the it was the fucking Usher song. Yeah, I'm back in my relationship. We're working it out. I thought I wanted to be in the streets, but then I said, no, I don't want to be Take me back, please, I don't want to go back to the streets. I don't want to be in the streets. The streets are not the streets are not good. I don't want to be there.
The streets aren't great. Streets aren't great. Yeah, and so.
I'm back with my with my my relationship. It's been a journey. It's been challenging, it's rewarding. My friend is laughing at me, but that's okay because I've I've supported her through much worse.
What do you mean, much worse?
I've supported you through a lot of relationships.
I've never been you always say this. This is you know, like other podcasts, friends like are not friends. But it's like you say the same shit about me and mere arguing about the same ship. I haven't been in a lot of relationships in the last five years, not a lot.
You've been in a challenging relationships ported you through.
Oh okay. You say one time you said I was always in a relationship, and I'm like, that is not true.
Not a relationship, but you're in relationship. You've been in relationships yeah, yeah, yeah too. So yeah, I'm just saying that it's been a challenge. This relationship has challenged me and him, and I feel really positive about the space that I'm in with this person that I love. And that's it.
Literally, I was listening to an episode and you're like, I'm single, and I was like, gosh, she's gonna have to update this recently.
So bish's real time home. I know.
I'm just saying this is real. I mean, it's real life.
I think everyone can relate.
I'm saying there's not a single person who can't relate. Everyone has been back with the same one person, like has redated a person. I don't really do.
That a lot. So that's why this has been really weird for me, because I really be done well the most part. I mean, I think maybe like one relationship I took a I can't went back to with Happy Bay for a sec. But for the most part, nah, not a relationship relationship. But fuck buddy, maybe, I.
Mean, I mean, obviously, I don't think it needs to be said. I hope that you know that I support you in all of your decisions and you know, life's life. And I think part of friendships is you may not always understand or agree, but you're always gona support you friend. You're like never going to be like I can't tell me, La, I'm like, you're gonna tell me anything. I'm not gonna judge you. I mean, I don't think we have a lot of space to jut each other. And it's kind of like the theme of.
Well, your faces sometimes make me feel like I don't want to tell your shit if I'm being honest and you laugh at me sometimes when I tell you things, So then I'm.
Like, whatever I laughed at you about, like right now about your relaunching a relationship. Yeah, I'm laughing because it's funny that you know what he's saying.
But I'm just saying, like you, your faces often are like bitch, m.
I mean, I can't help I think. I think I'm always gonna be honest about my feeling, but I never made it seem like you cannot tell me or cannot come to me. I'm going to tell you the.
Truth, right, but if I get that face every time I bring this person up. I'm not saying this, I'm just saying in general, but I do.
But I don't make that. I mean you have. It's been over a year, right, So it's not every time. I'm just if you if you if you say one thing and then I say okay, and then you come back and say something the opposite of that. You have to understand where there's sometimes disconnection because the feelings are changing and the even like us you telling me, not me saying planting seeds. You will say one thing and then come back and say something else, and I am
just trying to catch up. So you have to understand as a friend, if you say, I'm not saying you shouldn't tell me things, but if you say things that are negative, and we can agree that there have been things that are negative, and then come back and disregard those things, my feelings are still.
You think I've disregarded them.
Not disregard them. But I as my friend, I always want you just to do and be the best. And it's not difficult, but it takes me time to catch up to where you're at because it has changed on a week to week basis. And yeah, that's just the truth. It's like if I said something, you know.
But the same could be said about you, the same could be said about other people. Like you've told me about your relationship and said things that maybe I was like, oh, I don't look that's not.
Great, and the face is all the same and you and you've been honest and how you feel about that in those relationships?
Okay, right when I was when I was fucking off, I have but There's been times where I've definitely bit my tongue because you needed my support in that moment. Not even gonna make a face, I'm just gonna say.
And same, you can never come to me. I'm gonna say that was dumb. This is on you, like I'm always going to support you because everyone has been a dumb bitch, including me, especially in relationships when there's dick and niggas involved. That's the womanly way in ways we are loyal to a fault. We nurture, we love hard. That is what we do. That is the feminine, you know. But it's not to judge you or to make you feel like you can't come to me, because I know
I've done some really questionable boyfriends. I'm very very very aware, So please don't let my faces prevent you from being able to come to me. Because we're human, as does anyone we date. And I realize there's going to be flaws and challenges and fuck ups. That's it like that, nobody's exempt from that, And I'm not judging you. I'm just here for the ride with you and hoping that whoever you choose is worthy and takes the role seriously.
That's always my going to be my hope for you and your relationship you too, because I know that that's what you deserve, same and that you're smart, and that anybody who fucks with you should thoroughly understand respect and cherish that, and that's all I ask and like, that's all I want. So I'll be more conscious of my
facial expressions when you mentioned this person. But I really do feel like I've been pretty chill, like okay, I mean, it's not like we were going very far separate from each other.
I'm not saying like right now in this very moment, I'm just saying in the overall, in the experience with this person particular, yes, I have felt like I don't know if I want to talk to you about certain things. And that's just my honest thing. I'm not saying that because I want an apology. I'm not saying that because I want an explanation. I'm just sharing how I feel.
And I'm sharing how I feel, and I think you know how I feel. I think you know if I ever hesitate or make a face, you understand why where my defense comes up in protection of my friend, my very best friend in the world. So yes, I take shit personally, and I have to probably take it less personally because it's not my boyfriend, is not my life,
and it's not my relationship. You're my friend. If ever you feel that way, feel free to communicate that to me, because I don't want you to feel like you can't come to me, because you can come to me about anything. Could say I killed somebody and I say, okay, well what do we need to do? So it's just it's never and then I'll be like, so, why do you think you did that?
After we buried the body? So now that we handle that.
You want to talk to you think we even did a little bit deeper. I got her on the runt.
Oh my god, I love you.
I love you too, and I want you to know that. And yeah, that time you hung up on me when you heard the dog, even when I was in challenging situations and I was being secretive and not maybe saying a lot of things because I didn't want to tell you because I knew I was doing some stupid ass shit. I understood when you were angry or disappointed or making a face because I knew you didn't like him, And I understood why even the time he slapped me in my face and I had to cry in the passenger seat.
I didn't feel smart about it, but I knew that I could disarm at that moment because you're my friend no matter what. So I hope that you always feel the same energy that even if I'm feeling I don't know. I was gonna make up a word, be grudging. I don't need to make up any more word. It's one day, one day. I'm more at a.
Time, begrudging, judgmental, marboring judgments, right? Is that? Is that the feeling.
Fuck the dictionary? Who's webster? Any fucker?
You don't have to break down the word?
So you know, that's also the nature of humanity is that we share things with our friends, we you know, or we do things, and we run the risk of people feeling away about those actions later, you know, Like that's just the reality of humanism. And because you are closer to someone, everyone else around you is going to be slower possibly at warming up because we have less of an intimate and close relationship with this person, you know what I mean. So like that and that's the humanity of it too.
I get it. Well, I just feel like my nervous system is calm further and like, and that has been the sign for me that I'm I'm safe, we're safe, and we're on the same page and that I'm happy, and that's that's what I want, and that's what I've been that's what we've been working towards, even though it's been challenging and it hasn't been fucking easy at all.
From the well, from the beginning, it was pretty fun and easy, but then it got real, you know, and then shit got real, and then there were like big feelings involved, and and I feel like there has been a journey that we have had to take in order to really be honest with ourselves about what it is that we want, what we're willing to do. And that's really what it is, is like the work. Are you
willing to do the work with this person? Because yeah, I could go break up with my partner and go back in the streets and find another nigga and do all those things, but like, ultimately, is this person down to do the work and move forward in a healthy, positive way where we are both on the same fucking page about it, And that's where we're at, and that's how I feel, and that's how I've continued to feel.
And I'm living my life day by day and ultimately, do I see this person with me in the long run. I hope so yeah, I do. I wouldn't be doing it just because, you know, but I also know that like whatever is for me is always going to show up. And that also means in the in the way of ending what needs to be ended, like I'm protected in the way of like from from particular. Oh my god, he's calling me from unprotected in ways from bullshit, and I know that I consciously also have to choose that
as well. It's not like God is gonna sprinkle some shit and I'm gonna just walk the other direction. But I feel like I have to trust the work that I've done and knowing that ultimately I am gonna choose myself.
I mean, I know that too. I'm never like worried about you. I mean, obviously, I'm.
Not telling you this to prove something to you. I'm just saying in general for like I'm saying this to myself as well, because I've had to say that to myself. Like you've done, You've done the work, you're doing the work always you're continuing to do it, and you have to trust that you can trust yourself.
Basically, I mean, if if you feel like your intuition is saying yes to something, then you have to honor that and know that, yeah, when you are when something is for you, it's for you, and when it's not for you, the universe will continue to remind you that. Like, there are certain things when you begin to choose healing and choose digging deeper, is that you can't unchoose that, and you will see toxic things if they are toxic you.
You can only do it for so long. You know, when you when you fuck around and always commit to yourself, the toxic relationships will be so much shorter, the relationships with friends, all those things will peel away all the time because you can't unsee what you already see. So I mean, it's it's about honoring your intuition and honoring yourself.
And you're nervous system, and if you don't feel like if you feel like you're in a space of safety and and you know, contenteness in an overall better place, then that's like then that's what you should do in anything you know, in any job and any relationship and any friendship. I think if you feel good about it, then like that's all that.
I've also realized that I in general and not that this in this particular relationship, it didn't this reaction wasn't correct in ways. But I am am a runner, like I am quick to be like no thanks, like I'm cool, I don't want to do the work.
Do you think it's been you running or has it been you just honoring your intuition in ways or like having boundaries?
No, I don't think that. And I think that we as women sometimes use that, like we weaponize intuition and some Now I'm just asking you, I'm just saying I feel like as women we do that sometimes where we will walk away from certain shit that could that we can work through because our intuition said, because our intuition or fear, which I think is that's where it's like this this blurred line between intuition, fear, and trauma, where we are using this boundary and these our intuition to
just say, you know what, discard this person because they have work to do and I don't have fucking time, when really, bitch, like you do have time a b because bitch has always lived at they don't have time.
And be.
There's a mirror here that you need to face as well.
Well, yeah, you know, I don't know who who we had an interview with. It was a couple of years ago, but they were like, you were going to show up differently in every relationship because the other person serves as a different type of mirror. You will be triggered in different ways. Some one personality will challenge you in different ways.
Like we have a friend who is in a relationship recently and calling me the other day and it was just like like I realized, like getting close to someone, it's like you have to tell them about your family and your trauma, and like like can I do this? Do I want this? And I was just like this
is a part of it, you know. I definitely had to go inside a lot on many occasions, even in my relationship, less now, but just realizing that the trauma will show up, Like if you don't want to share your trauma with someone else because it feels embarrassing or shameful or like they're not going to understand, then you're going to be like do I want this relationship? This seems hard? I don't want to do that, you know
what I mean. And so there's always going to be You're always going to face different challenges and a lot of it's always you, but it's just like do I
feel like dealing with them? So like even people sometimes seek relationships thinking is going to save them for something or be safe and what like, you know, save them from a lot of times doing the work on yourself and committed relationships that you're like trying to really be down for someone really requires work from you because you have to be honest with yourself when you're not being cool, or you're being triggered or if you're really not ready
to settle down and do the like the challenging things that being in a committed relationship require.
So there's you can't The work that you haven't done is always going to show up in all your relationships, whether they're good or bad, you know, and the work that has I mean, the one thing that I will say that I haven't always acted on the reaction, but I've If I haven't fled physically like buy niggat, it's emotionally that's always how it goes fast quick, and then the physical part comes where I'm like I'm actually not
here anymore for you. But I've just noticed that that's that has been like the easiest thing for me to do, not just in this relationship because he made it easy at first, but also in my other relationships, like I will disconnect or like I will just stop engaging at all, you know, like certain relationships, yes, granted, but like even in my even my relationship with what did we call him poetry Bay, I was like in my mind, I was very much I loved, like I was in love
with him. Now thinking about that, I'm like, bitch, stop no. But when I was done, like I literally disconnected, like it was like the easiest disconnection I've ever had. I think about also, like the relationship I had with my long one of my long term boyfriends actually that we also interviewed when we interviewed our exes again, disconnected like like nothing like went on to I think that's why I started dating my baby daddy, like a week later, like I went to New York, we made out, we
had sex, and then I was in love again. And so that was my way of running. I would run into different relationships. I would just go from relationship to relationship to relationship. And then when I stopped doing that, it was now I'm disconnecting. I'm not going back to another relationship, but I am going to disconnect quickly and move on quickly. And I just like the more I
talk to I feel like older women too. I was having this conversation with someone yesterday and she was just like, she's been married, she's divorced now, and she was like, you know, and I was like, how is your marriage going? Like how's it going? She she was recently married, like three years three years ago maybe, and she was just like, and you have to choose your friend ultimately, Like, listen, what I've learned about marriage is like I'm not always
gonna love all your choices. I'm not always gonna like everything. Sometimes shit is gonna be bad. But like, do I like you? Are you my friend? Like how do I feel about that? Because I ultimately I'm gonna go through my shit too, and you're not gonna like everything I do. She's like, I'm cranky and shit and I don't. I'm not gonna change it. That's just who the fuck I am. And he loves me and that's he's my friend and like he doesn't like it, but are we gonna leave
each other for that? No? Like is everything else the friendship and all the things in between, and like the connection that we have, the way we're able to communicate, that we're able to show up for one another, is that worth?
Does that outweigh that? I know? I know? And then and then you know what it's also about if you're if you have generally been in relationships that people have made it easy for you to choose saying peace out if you if you make it like if if you give me a reason. People are I think innately runners when that's what you're used to, and so you have options to leave. You know, you don't feel like you're going to commit or it suck or it's forever, and
that there's a leisure in that. There's a comfortability in that, or you should be too close. But when you but when you start to be with someone and you try to make their reason for you to like walk away because that's what you're used to choosing, like the cycle of okay, I'll find someone else, then it will be
easier for you to do that. And so when you're with some money and you're like, fuck, I couldn't like this is not a really valid reason, because I still want to be with you, even though you get on my nerves, even though this, this and that. It's like because you're my friend, even though you fucked up, even though even though you're fucked up, even though oh god, you're you're.
Fucking nuts, you're you know, and it's like, but I I love you, and I'm learning to well for him, like I think for my relationship in particular, we didn't we weren't friends first. We literally went straight into love affair like it was like, especially because he doesn't live here, you know, so he's far away, and so it's easy for it to feel fairy tale like. And even though we're talking on the phone over it like all the time, it's different, Like I'm not I realize I am not
a phone talking ass bitch. I don't like talking on the phone. I don't have much to say. I don't want to figure out.
What to say.
I really would just like you to lead the conversation. If you want to ask me some shit, I'll answer it. But like long Diestant's relationships, it's not ideal. And honestly, we're much better in person because of that, because I'm like but you know, even and because of that, I think that we didn't really even though we were long distance, we we got to know each other, but like the
friendship just wasn't there. It's different when like you really are able to like be in someone's space, be in their day to day, understand what their day to day looks like, you know, and long distance can be really challenging in that way. So I think the friendship element I realize. I know that that's important because that's typically how I've started all my relationship and ships. Like my baby Daddy was my home. Like we were cool, you
know what I mean. Like the guy that I dated, you know, before that or after that, like i'd known him for years. We were cool, you know. But skipping the friendship part will have you fucked up, will have your intuition fucked up. We'll have you running because you're like, I don't even know you like that, I'm out of here.
I don't need this.
I don't look at you, I don't look like I don't look at you like a friend. You're disposable to me. You've hurt my heart, like no, like there's no friendship there. So it's like when you skip that part. It's like, I feel like it's a recipe for disaster and life and I'll never I would never do that again. I would never jump into something.
Like that again. The friendship part is essential, yeah, I mean because yeah, because you do give your friends a different type of grace. But yeah, the friendship part is definitely essential.
Yeah, yeah, I mean they think about you. In Orlando's relationship,
it was built on friendship first. I mean, yes, you were lovers quick, like you really had to like be honest with one another in a way that most couples are not, you know what I mean, Like you were being honest about like where you were at dating and like what you you know, all the different things you were doing without fear that he was going to leave you because that was your friend versus like him not being your friend and then you withholding certain things parts
of yourself and vice versa. So when shit pops off and he's a human or you're a human.
You're like, uh uh, I'm cool.
I'm cool on your humanness where you even got we're not even close like that, right, I don't even know you like that, nigga, for you to be human like you're supposed to take care of my heart. You're supposed to love me and that's that. Yeah.
No, yeah, I think that the way my relationship with Orlando panned out, it could it couldn't have been any better. And and because we were long distance, it wasn't forced. It wasn't like I love you and we're going to be together. It was like fucking two thousand miles away from each other. So I love you, but yeah, I see you. When I see you, you know you around because there was there could not be a long term plan at that time, because neither one of us were
in the position to give that. And because of that, we knew we weren't going to not be in each other's lives or not not be friends.
I don't think you wanted that either. No, you weren't even looking for that, you know, Like I kind of was like I was like when I met him, like I was at intentionally dating. I wanted to like be with someone. I was ready to not be fucking alone anymore. So when I met that had that connection, I immediately like held on to it and was like, Okay, this is it where like I feel it and like skip you skipped a friendship part because you didn't even give it yourself a chance.
But there's also that too, right, Like there's that are you dating because I don't want to be alone anymore? And I'm not saying don't be intentional about dating, but I think that not having expectations or not not not wanting it because you're allowed to want it, but sometimes we want like not saying this for you, I'm just saying in general, like sometimes you want something so bad and you're like, you don't want You've made this statement, and so the next person who comes, you're like, you're
gonna be my person, you know what I mean. And sometimes it's like maybe that's not your person, but you want someone because you don't want to be alone, or because you understand and like long for the perks of partnership, but sometimes it's just not with that person. So it's like it's important that even if you want it, you are aware or not to mold someone into your fantasy that you.
Have or you're well, it's not out of a deficit, right, but you know it's not a deficit. But also, like people always say, like you don't you need You'll find the person you want, like when you are like when you love yourself when you've done the work on yourself, and like, yes, I agree with that. I also that concept also kind of annoys me a little bit because I'm just like, yeah, But then when you meet that person, you realize that there's like this piece that not was missing,
but that wow, there's even more. There's an extra piece that I didn't even know I needed. And I don't feel bad about knowing that, like maybe there was some sort of like thing missing that this person filled in for. You know. I think like people will wait and wait and wait and wait, and it's like you're never gonna find that perfect, exact peace, Like it might come in perfect and then that neggati or that bitch is good, other it's gonna be a little crunchy at times, and
then you figure it out again. Sometimes it does come in perfect, you know, or sometimes it doesn't come in perfect, And I don't get to write my fucking fairy tale, right, I don't get to decide that my Prince Charming rolls in and is exactly as I hoped he was going to show up in his shining armor.
He won't. It doesn't exist, but it does.
But people think that's how it's supposed to exist, that that's the storyline of their fairy tale, and like if this is the fairy tale that's playing out in my life right now, like it's it's untraditional, it's different, it's not always We've had challenges early on, well not really early on, but I guess early on and things of that and all those things. But I think that as women we have to kind of let go of this idea of what your fairy tale is supposed to look like.
And I'm not saying that you like downplay your wants and needs. I'm not saying that you may compromise these big compromises with yourself because ultimately you know what you can handle, what you can't. You know you and you actively choose the opposite if that's what you're doing. But I do think that we have been really hard on men because they haven't made it easy for us. And I think that.
And they do one wrong thing, and it's easy for us to protect ourselves and go into defense mechanisms because other men have also you know, done functionhit and so it's a whole, all of you niggas as a whole, and so it's harder to because then you you kind of group them all together, and then your friends have boyfriends that ain't shit too, and you're like, it's definitely
all of them, you know what I mean. And then it's easy to protect yourself by distancing yourself and by putting up these unbreakable walls, you know.
But like, but the thing is is like there are a lot of men that make are making really poor choices, and there's a maybe like a pool of men that are making really amazing choices all the time, right, And the same goes for women. I think on a higher rate, women are making better choices. I mean, call me fucking biased, I don't give a fuck. But so what are we gonna do. There's a lot of women. There's more women
in this world than there are men. So are we just gonna discard the niggas that are kind of fucked up and maybe are down to do the work, and but like need that support, need that support? Or are we just gonna all like try to find this like unicorn of a man that's already healed, already done all the work.
There's also like there's this idea of what that man is gonna be, Like he's gonna be tall, he's gonna not a garden. He's kind of on plants.
Now, he might be like a short, small Indian man, SMaL king. He might be a little Indian man.
That's extreme.
I mean that I'm being specific because bitch is some peatures were like, I'll never I could never imagine myself dating this type of person. It's like that was your soul made. You didn't even fucking know, bitch.
Orlando is not my type.
I said it.
I was just like, I don't know if this is my but he wasn't my type. But then I started to like him, and when we came back from Mexico was then like the first month and a half of me knowing him. If he would have been like, let's be together, I would have been like, okay, I was not looking for me and I had just got a relationship. But I a part of me a little bit was a hope, like kind of wanted that. I've never admitted
that ever in my life out loud. But if he want, yeah, I was like, oh you did to have a great time. Fuck you. But also, I mean, I'm not the type of person to say to vocalize my feelings like that, because it was kind of crazy, but I've had that inkling like and it.
Wasn't crazy because you guys did have a really you know, cosmic experience with one another, and so it's natural to feel like that, that longing, especially if there are things missing in your life.
But had that happened, it would have been much easier for me to discard him when he did things that were pissing me off. And that challenged me, especially because we had this extremely honest, no secrets like relationship. Like, had we been in a relationship early, that would not have lasted. I'm grateful that that did not happen. And it took a year of friendship, like solid friendship to kind of know that we were ready for whatever we
were about to take this into. But when I when we met, I was like, by the time I turned thirty five, you'll be thirty one and you'll be old enough. If we don't or like Marya's at thirty six, Uh, if we don't find anyone else, we'll be together. And then my head, I was like, nigga, I'm numb for one that can't even better than me, not gonna happen.
Good luck.
So it was like that, and then there was an agreement, but yeah, the friendship ship is like that's an like it's not even like it's huge, huge piece, even if it's your person. And there was this like spirit was saying, I'm gonna pump the brakes for you. I'm gonna not even have that being mentioned because I know how valuable this one year of like platonic slash you know, erotic relation intimate relationship will look like, and how much it's going to serve you because now, yeah, he does get
up my nerves. And even in the beginning, I was like, this is like too good to be true or too like like this is like the like I was bracing myself for when the for when the honeymoon phase ended, you know, because he moved in. I was like, ugh, And but I told you this one time too. I'm like, yeah, but one thing I'll ask myself is like, but are you gonna do you want to live a life without him? Specifically?
And the answers always know, no matter what, like if I can't see my I still don't want to live without you, even if you fuck up, even if you do this, even if you said that thing, like, there have been challenging things and I realized it's easier for me to be like I'm good, and it's been a challenge to be in a relationship in ways I never know.
You know, you want a relationship, it is gonna be so much eaier, gonna have support, But there's challenges that come that you know are all so required of you. Just because you find a partner and you find your soulmate doesn't mean the challenges stop coming and the healing and the evolution like ends, like everything doesn't become perfect.
Well, it's like this toxic soulmate fucking narrative of like you meet this person. It's Instagram. You see these people and they're in love and they're like soulmates and they share their story and you're like, oh my god, it's so beautiful and then like then real life happens and that's when you realize is your soul is it your soulmate or is it your fucking lustmate? Or did you actually like love this person as a friend, Like can
you work through all of the ups and downs? When they say marriage like is till death do us part? It's really like how much of fucking besties are you? That's what the fuck that means.
I'm gonna have mind changed, like how much your.
Mother's hocking bestie?
Are you?
Is?
What do death till death do Us part? Means? It's not this like romantic notion. It's really not that sexy, you know, And and it really comes when you when that is really when you're really faced with that. And I'm not married, so I can only imagine like what that what that vow feels like. But I mean, ultimately they're just words, But are you really that person's friend?
Like?
And then when I was talking to my friend who's you know, married again for the second time. She's in her fifties and has like four kids that are off to college, and she's lived a really like juicy life. I could just as Morgan Debond said about us don't know Who's now from the Stacks podcast, Oh right, Tracy said that, And she's lived a really fucking juicy life. This woman, she's a son. She've seen it all all types, celebrity types, regular people types.
Like weirdos, nerds.
And I asked her, I've been asking that too. I asked my grandmother too, Like yesterday, I've been like really curious about like talking to like that my elders and really understanding their perspective, because ultimately, I can be impulsive and I can make my choices right now as a thirty five year old, and this is all I know, and this is what I deserve, and this is the
respect that I want. But like, what do you feel later on in life after you've done all the things and maybe you've done that and maybe you haven't.
You know, like what about the things that you require?
But the things you were choir and the things that like mattered when you were thirty five versus matters now. And granted, like everyone's you know, position is different on this, but you know, like with her, that was her thing. She was like, are there things that like are annoying that like I are not ideal that, yeah, but ultimately like that's my friend and I love him and he loves me and that's that and that's it. And I'm
I don't want to be friends with anyone else. I'd rather be friending with this person versus anybody else, nesting friending or Yeah. I asked my grandmother what her biggest regret was in life, and she said getting married. I said, interesting, and I was like, do you think you just married the wrong people.
And she's like, probably, then there's that marrying like I think, doing the steps, having the friendship, then the relationship really friendshiplationship. But then choosing marriage is so essential because a lot of people also choose marriage because it checks off the box, especially women and a lot of Well.
She got married because she got pregnant. Because I asked her about why did you marry your first husband, She's like, I was pregnant. That's why I married.
Him, because religion said.
Because it was like nineteen fucking whatever, fifty eight and you can't be on weed and pregnant in twenty, you know. And then the second one was what was my grandfather? And she said he knew how to balance a check book because that was also the thing that she kept saying, like about things that she wished she knew or that
she did more of. It was all related to money, which I was like, so money is something that like you've been do you feel stressed about, like you've felt stressed about your whole life, And she's like, I just it's important.
You can't can't go around that. She's not lying. It is important. It's like so even that eighty five you realize money is still important.
You need money, okay, And I said anything you regret, She's like, no, I did everything I wanted to do. She's like, if I didn't want to be married, I wasn't married. I want to move out. I moved out. I want to be My grandmother was an you know, interior designer. She just figured it out because she you know, needed a career. I did that, you know, and so I was like, that's cool to just also do that, Like, yeah, marriage maybe wasn't for her and she didn't find the
husband's but ultimately she still chose herself. And that's where. That's where you have to trust yourself. Is that. That's where and that's where I think where I do trust myself is that like I'm always gonna I don't have a problem choosing myself, Like.
Well, yeah, because because you've because you've done a lot of work. So it's you can't un choose yourself because.
I don't know better. I don't have a Yeah, I don't have a problem choosing myself. I'm always going to do that. I do the friendship element. I think with men I have a problem with I'm not I don't have a lot of male. I really have friends that I know, but I don't have a lot of patience. I haven't had a lot of patience for male humanness. Like if you have some bullshit, get the fuck away from me. Oh that's some bullshit, you know what I mean? Like maybe like no, no, I haven't. I have not.
And so I realized that, not just in this relationship, but just in general. I'm like, where does that come from?
I just I feel so deeply that this chapter of our lives, like you know, we're in our mid thirties, We've you know, committed to this life of like evolving and growing and like self reflection, and there's really no getting around it. And we live in this realm of reality that is so fucked up it's not reality at all. And we become domesticated and socialized in this society that
is very very skewed. This this is not real, and so we have to remember that a we are human and everyone outside of us is also human too, And a part of that is really like going inside and saying,
like what am I carrying? What is what has poisoned me to like have filters, you know, like have less less uh empathy for people less, uh, you know, regard for people because I've chose like I've seen it this way or I'm tainted the trauma the healing, you know, even like you saying what you asked your grandmother, Like
I'm just thinking last year this time I was. I went to the trip and with my grandmother to fucking North Carolina, South North Carolina to some like random peninsula or whatever, haunted house, some honted house because she insisted that we can do like a family trip every year. I don't know why she chose this place, but I uh, there was questions. I wanted to record asking her because the Laundra told us have that up. We had the episode with the Laundra and I was like, I'll just
do it next year. And you know, like she just she passed, She transitioned. And it's just like Anne I was talking about after that trip, mortality and that like realizing people are getting older and that like we don't have this life forever, and like she passed kind of expectedly because she was like kicking it her grant. Her
sister died a week after that. And I've just been like and like I physically saw like the like her spirit leave the body like I've never been around like this, like meat suit and then seeing the like the like how the spirit actually slowly leaves and then like touching her after and like it feeling like it's it's a soup, you know, essentially, like we a sack, it's a sack of skin, and you know, and I feel like regret obviously for not having those conversations and asking certain things.
And my grandmother lived, Like one time she told me, like I was like, should I go out? We were? She was like, you know, like sleep when you're dead because what she told me, and she we've discussed her death very often and like she was comfortable with like
the transition, which made it easier for me. But even though she lived, she traveled, she was married a couple times, like I saw where there's still root, like anger, hurt, it would come out and lash out in ways, and like even with my own mother, you know, the humanness, And I realize so much of that is from just unresolved shit that we refuse to pull up and look at and examine and say this makes me uncomfortable or like and sometimes you won't even know it's there.
That's what I say. A lot of times you don't even know it's there.
But you have to be willing to look at things and be like, oh god, that's me, that's not that's ugly, you know. And just like a part of living this life differently as women, I think living this life and like to honor our ancestors is really taking advantage of the freedom we have to heal and taking advantage of like looking at ourselves and saying, how can I grow? You know, how can I look like do things differently?
And like just choosing yourself is so fucking import that and just like even having an attachment to living is stupid because we don't die, no choice, we don't die, and we all go and we're still probably swimming and flying and the ethers together and this is such a like profound experience. We probably did a few a lot
of cycles. But just as women, you know, just honoring ourselves, our intuition, our humanness, each other's humanness and leading with that and not to say except everyone, because people if some people don't deserve your your attachment and your attention and your energy because we don't have a lot of time. But just like what she want to do is important, No it's true.
It's true. But you just reminded me that I did record my grandfather and I need to record my grandmother. But that's why it actually came up yesterday when I was thinking, when I was talking to her and I was watched I was looking at her. I'm just saying, she's she is at she's nearing the end of her life. Not that there's some than going wrong, but like she is, you know, And I'm just like so curious to know what you in this lifetime and this iteration of your
that your soul, like what are your regrets? What is the most successful thing you did? Like what are you most proud of?
Right? You know?
And because I think it ultimately like it's almost like it's the cheak code for us that she code for me, especially she is my ancestor in ways, and she's still here with me.
You know, what information can I get or know about myself or learn about myself from having these conversations even like we had a we were interviewing some of our audience because we're we're in a business coach program because we're trying to be better businesswomen, and we're interviewing some of our audience and someone was like, yeah, I just want I love like your freedom. I just want to hang out with you guys. And I was like, really,
I want to cuddle. Someone else said they wanted to cuddle. I love that. God, I love that so much. I was like, I can do that. Where do you live? Just come to the retreat. Yeah, well honestly we will cud, Like what is going on over there? That's it cuddles.
Don't know where ship.
And she was just like, you know, I see my mom and my grandma and I'm like, I'm not going to be like that, like they don't seem happy. And I was just like, whoa. I felt that because sometimes I just see like and then we excuse older women, you know, like oh she's Aggie and like you know they're straight and their forward, but like sometimes it's just like what is wrong with you? And we see it. We see the joy in children. You notice that, like
leave and look at age. You see the pure bliss in children, because it's before life has fucking toxified you with bullshit and like sadness and reality because like and so there's this inner anger hardness that happens. Yes, and it's like, how do we hold on to that childlike love, that bliss, you know what I mean, and like it's you.
Have to I don't know. I think some people are gifted in the way that they can I think that for the most part, we don't, I mean can't we not only that we can't. For the most part we don't. What we what we can do is fight to get it back and have to fight to get it back because everything around us is going to tell us that we can't do those things and that we shouldn't do those things and that's irresponsible, or that's for kids, or those days are done, or god, you're weird, you're silly,
like you know. And one thing I will say is like the people that are living their life for them and really don't give a fuck, look the best. Of course they look the best.
Just say, give zero fucks.
They give zero fucks, and they look young. And yeah, granted they might have hurt some people along the way, because there is a messiness in that. If you're not if you don't have it fucking together in ways, and you haven't really explored why certain parts of yourself and why maybe you do need to grow up in certain ways. But I think that there is I think that for the most part, people do lose that I would say
ninety nine percent of people do. Wow. There are those one percent, though, and those are the ones that everyone's like, she's a weird bitch.
Oh, right, of course, Oh she's so weird. Yeah, But there's also I think, like, honestly, I'm so I'm happy that I'm so happy I went on this Tanto retreat before going on our retreat, because I feel like my cup is so full, and I feel like there has to be practice. You have to practice. You have to have a practice in order to choose joy. In a
world like this. You have to choose joy. You don't just wake up with it every day, because there is real fear of not having money, of not having food, that the government is fucking our food, that we all types of shit, we didn't do our passport. All these fake lies will like take away our joy. And you
have to have this practice. And I just in this retreat, in this container, I experienced things, of course come up, but I experienced a community and a practice that allows the things to come up and then encourages you to examine them and dig down and be gentle with yourself. And ask what is this poison? And then how what are the practices that I've learned in order to remove
it or dissolve it and move through it? And every time something comes up, it happens, you know, like you could just really you could either choose to ignore it or you just dive right deep into it and it's okay, like to have feelings around it. And all these practices that really teach us to look at things and then either you know, dissolve them, release them, and like even use pleasure as like an antidote a medicine for it.
But we are not taught, and we're not you know can like, yeah, we're not taught and finding practice to
choose joy. And one of the things I learned about this at this place is like there were so many different types of people, people from Canada, from Idaho shout out to Like I had made up so many friends that I probably would have never ever made friends with, and hearing trauma and stories that I was like, oh, my fucking god, a pitch and you're still laughing, and like and like Maryanne, like my friend in Idaho who grew up Mormon and was telling me how like the
bishop asked, like asks the people, like have you been masturbating lately? Like the kids go alone in this room with the Mormon bishops and they're like harassing them about masturbation, and like why he pulled out some pictures that someone had sent like all this crazy, horrible things that go on in these communities and that's just like such a small percentage of the trauma that it is created in
our society period. But like she was joyous and happy, and even Devi, who's the owner of the school and authentic Tantra, and she's so joyous like a child, like
a baby. But there's just you know, you we all have to literally choose joy, choose to look at ourselves and the things that happen to us and the people that fuck us and release that shit in order to choose joy and make the best out of this very short life that we have, in order to make space for pleasure and to be filled with that and just say no, I'm not I don't want that bullshit fuck that.
I'm happy you said that that word practice because I realize for me specifically, and this might not be for everyone, but I need practices in order to find the joy like I actually like I was supposed to be a herd coach. Right now, I know I'm late. They're gonna kill me. I have to be in practice of something, whether that's movement, whether that's eating well, whether that's actually fucking like having practice, whether that's like doing reaking on
myself every morning and every night. I feel like a highly functional, happy person when I'm doing that. I can feel like yessterday, when I'm spiraling on Instagram, it's because I haven't been in practice of shit. I've just been working, like trying to get shit done. That is like the sure way to make me unhappy and will make me start questioning the work that I do that makes me happy because I'm not also in practice of like it's self care essentially, you know, or just paying attention to
your I'm not actively paying attention to myself. I'm paying attention to everything that's outside of me.
Yeah, and that's a sure way to disaster.
So then when you're telling me I should choose happiness, like I haven't even chosen myself. How the fuck am I supposed to choose happiness. I've even paid attention to myself in weeks, you know, And so I know that like that for me, that's what I need. Some people that's not what they need for to choose you know, happiness or whatever. Some people just need to be around, be out and about and like that's how they recharge and that's what breaks them.
Joy, you know.
So I encourage you, not you, but whoever's listening and you and me to really like think about, like write, what is it that makes you? What is it that would make you be able to choose joy every day?
What is it?
What are the things that you would need in order to do that? Like what is the perfect set of things or experiences or people? Yeah, people, or like what is that you know? Because I think we haven't even thought about that. Sometimes it's kind of just like when you're kind of just shooting in the.
Dark and then you're like fuck you wake up, or you're not happy, or you have that moment where you're like, damn, I am being a bitch or why am I being sure? If you even have that moment, but it's because you haven't even paid attention to your body, how you feel you can. You don't know what makes you happy because you haven't tapped into it. So everything is going to make you unhappy and not have pleasure because you haven't even said, wait, what brings me present? What brings me
pleasure and presence? And what can I eliminate?
And also when you do write these things down, you start to create a toolbox that you can go back to when you do wake up and you feel like in a fucked up mood. Like for me, like yesterday when I was spiral ing, I was like, bitch, what the fuck is wrong with you? And I was like, what hol to hold a hold up? What do I need to do?
What?
What is like one thing in my toolbox for lack of a better word, that I can pull out that is going to like take the edge off of me right now? And I was like, let me go for a run, even though I don't want to, even I fucking don't want to, you know. And I did it.
And then I was like, Okay, not one hundred percent, but we're nine we're like ten percent edge off, you know, like so being able to know what the those things are, so you're just not every day waking up like fuck this, fuck this, fuck this, fuck this, and you're like, bitch, that's because you don't know what makes you happy?
At all.
So figure that out, write down, use that shit when you feel stressed the fuck out.
You have to. You have to. And some of the things are going to seem ridiculous. Some of the things that you find are in medicine are the most basic shit. And there was a few times at the retreat I was like, oh my god, this might be a cult, but then it wasn't. It was just that it's the ways to freedom and the ways to practice and like moving your body, you know, meditate, there's be silent, shut
the fuck up, listen to your body, breathe. It's like so basic, but then you do it and you know, and other people are committed to doing it and it seems so foreign and it's not. You know, it's just.
It's really simple. You'd be surprised that the things that you need to make yourself happy you don't need to go shopping, you don't need those are cool Sometimes that helps too.
That's like I always like to go eat and have a drink.
You know, well, also what are you putting in your body? Because yeah, I can eat and have a drink and all those things, but like, are those things that you make you happy to like? Then also like in the long term, deteriorating yourself towards your ultimate happiness. I mean.
And also I had a moment like this at the retreat. Something happened. It was kind of like a little bit stressful, and I was like, hey, Marianne, you want to go get a drink when you get something fried? And she's like okay. Everyone else's like no, I think I'm just going to meditate. I was like, I'm an alcoholic and then I got there and I was like, no, not alcoholic. This is what brings me pleasure. Me and Marianne you're like, whoa, you know. And then and then there's that, and then
there's balance, and that's another thing. It's just like everything's with balance. It's not it's not bad or good. There's no good or bad. It's just balance. You know. What is it like in what moment that brings you the things that you need? And you have to be in touch with yourself to figure out what the fuck that is? Well? Do you want men to talk about my Mayoni massage for a hori? Oh?
Yeah? Did you get what? No?
I was just there?
Oh oho stories yeah, So okay.
So Mielia went on this retreat want this Tantra retreat. She's an authentic Tantra school and she at the retreat you get hands on experience well like yeah, demonstration, demonstrations and hands on experience like practicing. So Tantra is like the I feel like, the study of really pleasure in all of its forms and including obviously sexually, like sexual pleasure and even the trauma and things we store in our bodies.
So what are you saying?
Continues, Oh, I was just letting the people know in case they didn't know. Like, I mean, I know you've mentioned that you went to a retreat, but like what is actually happening at these retreats so that they just think you want on a retreat and we're getting Yoni mapped and shit, Like what is that?
So the retreat is essentially it's not a retreat, it's an intensive it's an embodiment because we've been studying for a year and like I said, there's movement involved, there's breath. It's a Tibetan practice that's been around for thousands of years and so it's it's been mostly transferred orally and she's like the first person to ever write it in books. So we're studying this Tibetan tantra practice, that's the lineage,
and there's lots of tantra practices there. You see a lot of neo practices, but this is the only government accredited school, and so there we're doing a lot of things that may seem we're to other people, but like we said, we're meditating, we're union breathing, we're connecting with one another, we're going inside, we're dancing, and we're learning, you know, all of the all the things yoni and lingam's penises and pissis and so one of the things is we're learning how to use the mudras to bring
pleasure in your erogenous zone. So I you can eat the received one, you can give one. I was an observer and I saw one earlier in the day and I just you know, the girl had a breakthrough. She shed a tear. She was crying a little bit, because a lot of times when you explore these places, things come up. You store trauma literally and you know, in all parts of your body. But a lot of us, just from living in so like Western civilization, have sexual traumas.
You know, men are get fucking circumcised, women are shamed for their sexuality. So there's a lot of storage of things. So sometimes and those explessure explorations, like in the trauma, there are releases that are unexpected. Anyway, I saw one. It was great. They told us it was optional. So I went to my room and I told them before I left, I'm not gonna I'm gonna sit this one out. She said fine, it starts raining. Then they text me like, hey,
we assigned your group. I was like, yeah, I'm chilling. And then someone else is like, hey, your group is sounds. I was like, well, she told me that I could sit out, and she was like, well, this is the list one. So I was like. Something was like maybe you're supposed to go, and I was like fine, so I go. It's just my friend. It's just my friend Marianne, my friend Maria. They got I got my permission to share this story, and a facilitator and me and I
was a observer. So I was reading, you know, I was reading her what she needs to do, going through the practices totally.
Just so a student is doing this on her, and so you student and a student. As soon as so the student is doing this and she's reading through the text, I'm reading through you're through text, so she knows step by step what you're supposed to be doing, and is it what is like I'm so curious, like what the scene. I know I'm going to do this next year, but I'm so curious, like what the scene is like? Is it like is there music playing or is it just like straight educational.
No, so part of so part of it is Okay, let's set up the environment. Okay, and we added, we asked the receiver, what do you want? She had fruits, we made I made her tea. We like, brought all the pillows in the room. We lowered the lights, we had candles. Okay, there was music because this is what she requested. So this is something like so if I was after I'm done school and couple comes in, this is what the environment will basically embody whatever brings you pleasure.
And so I was reading as if like I was, if I was instructing a couple and they were exploring each other, or if someone was wanting to explore on themselves, you know, we'd use a model. But in this instance, the students who were my you know, my my peers were doing each other and I was given the role of reading through the MOODSS to make sure she was doing the right thing, and then there was a facilitator. I was I was supposed to be there in my mind,
so I started reading it. It was great, It's not I love them. It was fun, but I was like ready to go. So I was like flipping the page just saying we were almost done, and I was just like, you know, watching so the one the girl who's like receiving is starting to really really really get it, like arouse and start to experience pleasure. And I just like, I A lot of this practice, a lot of the work we've done is just checking in with my ourselves. So I literally was like why is it started to
make me feel uncomfortable? And I was like, why is this making me so uncomfortable? And I was like, I'm like, she looks pretty. I was like, she looks like she's a goddess. She's like a nice robe on. And like Marianne is great, like she knows exactly what she was doing, she knew all the steps, the teacher was great, everything was great. I was just like, why is this making me so uncomfortable? And also if this makes you uncomfortable, bitch, how are you going to do this in real life?
Did you just waste a year of your life at this school? And then had to really start exploring, like it's not the nudity that makes me uncomfortable, Like what is it about seeing this is making me uncomfortable? So I observe that. I kept going and then she really starts to get into it, but then she says, I feel like I can't surrender, and I was like, then I dawned on me. I was like, there's no fucking
way in hell i'd be able to be. I wanted to be a receiver, but I was like I could have never done this, Like I could have never surrendered with people watching me, you know. So I was like, yeah, I could never done this. This is crazy sod of. Then she's like starting to like cut orgasm, and she starts to squirt. So I'm trying to I'm looking but also like not trying to get squirted on, and she's starting to orgasm, and I.
Well, thank you for that, Horri. Make sure you go check us out on Patreon. That's patreon dot com. Backslash Good Mom's Bad Choices. I think that people are either going to be totally freaked out or they're gonna wanna find the bitch in to Pinky Canyon.
I know, I don't. It's a spiritual hurry. I don't want to, you know, discredit it by calling it a horri But it was a spiritual horry because I was like a little shocked that that happened.
Yeah, but make sure you go check us out on Patreon. That's patreon dot com. Backslash Good Mom's Bad Joyces to hear this horry and a lot of other hories that you probably haven't heard on the show. Is it Tarot time?
It is Tarot time.
I feel like we've gotten this one before we have.
This one came in reverse the hang demand. I usually don't read the reverse, but its you.
Feel called to do it today.
Tarot Time.
Shout out to Pity Taro, Pitty Taro, and also Mahogany char Make sure you go check out Mahogany Taro, our official unofficial Tarot deck of a Good Mom's Bad Choice of show. They didn't even know they were going to be that, but they are the tribes we love supporting black women businesses, brown women businesses, all businesses, but we're black women. So if you want to share your business with us. DMS. We give special prices to our small business owners because we know how hard it can be
out here in these business streets. In the business streets, it's hard. Entrepreneurship is hard, and sometimes you just need someone to really rep your shit. And we be repping you.
Know what I'm saying, only shit we endorse. So the upright hanged Man encourages you to pause for a moment and see things from a different perspective. Reverse this card could show that you know you need to hit the pause button, but you're resisting it. Instead, do you fill your days with task and project, keeping busy and distracting yourself from the actual issue that needs your attention. Your spirit and body are asking you to slow down, but
your mind keeps racing. Stop and rest before it's too late. The universe will only dial up the volume if you ignore it, and as a result, you may end up crashing. So as soon as you hear a call, clear your schedule, come to the good Vibe retree and make the space so you can tune in and listen. You may already be in a position where everything has been put on hold,
much to your frustration. The reveal of the hangman can indicate a time when you're getting blocked, stuck, or restricted because other people or other circumstances have left you on hold. While you feel resistant, it's important that you surrender to what is and let go of your attachment to how things should be be and flow with life even if it's not as you expected it. Seriously, when does it ever go exactly as you expected? And loosen your grip? Did we not just say that? Okay?
Amen, I believe I receive that. I know you received that too. I you know That's what I was feeling yesterday. I was like I need a second. Even today when I was like I'll be an hour late because I need to pause for a second. And now that we're going to Mexico, because the good Vibra tree is literally like.
My pause, I was like, we're right out time.
It is my pause. Okay, I'm I'm technically working, slash healing, slash making best friends.
So yeah, this is the life we created designed. I'm really excited to go into this container with my friends.
Bitch, if you don't shut the fuck up, well, if you're coming on the retreat and you hear fucking Jamila say container just know every time she says it, I'm like wincing just a little bit.
Remember we used to WinCE when we said boyfriends.
Oh God, that episode, we like we have flesh.
Yeah that guy.
We should have known the way we the way we said that bitch. Our bodies were resisting. They were like, are you sure how I shouldn'tendin to practice.
Saying the word first? That was step one. There were our practice boyfriends.
I know, we were the choes. We didn't even know how to like say the word boyfriend.
We were just like, yeah, friend friend, boy friend, boy friend, boy now look at his boyfriend boyfriend. My man, my mayn me my man.
I still don't like the word boyfriend.
I don't like partner, but I say it sometimes.
I don't like partners society. I mean, I've always called him my lover for the most part, and I kind of like to stick with that, but then I feel like I want to like take it up a notch, but I don't know what that is, And the next the up notch would be partner. But I don't like that.
It sounds not taking up a notch, you know, like.
Lover is like lover is lover, but it feels like a little bit cash.
It was a little cash lover seems I don't know if it's cash, but like my beau, my beau, I like my my beat sounds kind of European. All mate, my lifer, lifer, my lifer.
You gonna be my lifer? Hey baby, my lifer, my lifer. You know you want to be my lifer, my love lifer. That's kind of scary. It sounds like fucking lockdown.
Is that lit?
It keeps it getting on lit?
Okay, anyway, we're rambling. We don't want to get any bad reviews.
But if you have a left review, please go make sure you leave one on Apple and to be a good one and subscribe to our YouTube channel. You can watch this episode on YouTube. Make sure you check out Patreon again. And I'm exceedingly high at this point, so I'm going to stop talking because when I talk in high sometimes when I talk in high, see, I get a little slow.
I love you. You guys know where to find us Good Mom's Underscore Bad Choices on Instagram, Come check us out, come follow us, we cute or whatever you say, Patreon, Patreon, dot com, Backslash, Good mom's bad choices. You can follow me at Mila Underscore Map two Piece, at to Watch Erica And if you haven't booked your vacation, book it with that book it now with us.
To love you, guys, Hi Bye. Solo record Las