558: The Apple

Let me give you some sex advice podcast listener. Because now that we're in a visual medium, you can see that I am in fact a sex machine. Never let anyone else undress you because it turns into toddler this fast. Продолжение следует... If you ever go to a dress Okay, hold down I'm ready when my body is ready. Awful.

Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because some of us have other motherfuckers' crosses to bear as well. I'm your host, No Illusions. Heath has taken the weekend off to recover from his weekend off. But sitting nine hundred miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I am fit Test it!

I know, I know, I am too. And we're also excited to welcome back the second hardest working person in podcast and the person who dethroned him, knocked him down to number two on that list, Thomas at Lydia Smith from the Way There's Woke podcast. Lydia, Thomas, welcome back. Eli, thank you much. Hello. Yeah. I'm here now. I am your Mr Boogaloo. I've always said that. Yeah.

It makes sense. Let's address it up front for those of you watching on YouTube. Yes, the Smiths are too hot to be podcasters. We don't know why they're here Let's get back to the listeners. I am here for the bin, man. I am here for the bin.

All right, there you go. Let's start making some sense out of that. So tell us, Lydia, what will we be breaking down today? I mean honestly something that I don't know why we're doing it on this show because it's truly a cinematic masterpiece. Like this was A surprisingly very, very good in the most ridiculous ways ever, but it is the movie The Apple from nineteen eighty. Whoo and you can watch it for free on Facebook. And you should watch it for free. Oh sure. On prime.

Students should watch it in school. Like it should be part of our curriculum. Badgood. I don't like Bad Good, but this is the best I've ever seen. Amazing. It's the best. I love it so much. This is what makes you like bad good. This will put you over the fucking limit here. Which makes my next question super awkward. Thomas, how bad was this movie? Negative million. Ja, absoluut.

Like it's dumb in the best ways. Like it's so good. Everyone has a weird accent they're trying to hide. The guy like the one's really Scottish and that comes out. Yeah. The other guy's really British. Trying to pretend to be Canadian art. Our American Israeli friend for who plays Alfie. Yeah, it's great.

Oh man. Also Lydia had hours. I don't know when you're gonna do it, hun, but the there's one thing that's good in this movie, like good, good'cause this was like sort of a real production. Like there's I know there's money behind it, yeah. The money behind this outdoes the money behind every game we've ever done with you combined times four. Right. Really Counting the funeral of that guy who drowned. The last one

Oh god, deep cut. I guess we I guess I did Morbius or whatever, so that probably but it's like a Morbius-esque budget. And it I can't believe people put that much time and effort and money into this thing. And it's it's so fucking dumb, but I love it. Five hundred dollars. No. Five hundred and twenty one. Pay'em five hundred dollars right now for the rights. How much are the rights to it? Oh, the filmmaker almost killed himself after people saw it. It's that's how literally how bad it was.

Someone had to convince him not to. Yeah, to talk him back from the ledge. It's ju yeah. I want to be there for that conversation where that person was like, Don't kill yourself. First of all A big mess. I have other reasons, but that is the first one I said out loud. I'm still if I talk long enough I will think of another there's a So many. I just can't even think of which ones. Alright, so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

Look, I'm gonna take one and you can tell me if that you've already had this one and and we can cut and I can do a different one, but it is best worst random sexual assault of Professor Sprout from Harry Potter. Ja. Okay. I think I just did that one last time, so I don't want to do But It this one's probably better than that one though. Yeah, right. No, it's g you can always be dethroned. Yes.

Haunts my dreams. There is a random sexual assault of Professor Sprout from Harry Potter, the only actor in this film. No other person is a person. Fucking nuts. Oddly enough, it's not the only person who was in Harry Potter. There's another person who really uh part. Yeah. One of the henchmen was like the bartender or some crap. But this will sit with me forever. I it sucks that it happened on this film because I would love to just enjoy. You know how you It should be all joy otherwise, yeah.

'Cause it's like, oh, Michael Jackson, like, you know, can you still enjoy him? That's like this film for me is like I yes, it's the best thing that ever happened to cinema. But But it's the most out of nowhere, unmotivated. Pointless. Visceral. Visceral. Yeah. Groping. Of Professor Sprout from Harry Potter. Yeah. And I'm still thinking about it. I can't I That is what happens.

I actually looked her this is a real thing. I looked her up and I was like, Oh, she's still alive. Maybe I can ask her about it. It has to know. We'll give her a me too moment. Hey, you seem really famous and like you're doing great. I see a bunch of clips of you on the Graham Norton show. But I want to check in about the Apple from nineteen eighties. How did it happen? How did how did this scene happen? the girls and I wanna know if you're all right.

So I was gonna go with best worst gay costume designer that snuck into the Christian movie production and was just like, Oh, I'm gonna have my dick R th this this movie I'm willing to bet. for at least one of our listeners was the closest thing that they would get to gay porn until they turned eighteen, right? Until college. A hundred percent. And w it is not just that every guy is wearing a fucking coin roller and nothing else. Ha ha.

It's it's that the women are just in like, Oh, you know, whatever. Also woman clothes, you know. Sorry. Are yours uh nickels or you give more uh more dimes? कर दो कर दो कर दो I know. You know they issued one in the seventy five years. Thank you. Ha ha ha. I'm gonna say best word. Bye. Marketing creative character seems really like like confusing, but there is a character who is supposed to be the guy in charge of merch for this music company. And it's so terrible. It is so literal.

He's like, like my earring and then he's like, but it's not just an earring, it's literally just a sticker, you guys. And he We need this. This guy for our podcast. And the design is literally just a triangle. And it's just a triangle, exactly. Well, I'm sorry, Lydia, if you can think of better merch than a pinball machine and a mandatory sticker. Yeah, bimbo. You know when you're in the gift shop on the way out, you're like What a square glass that's way too big.

I'll grab a pinball machine on the way out. Right, right, yeah, exactly. My drink came with the souvenir cup, but I wanna get a pinball machine for your mom He loves this. Yeah, it's both the highest possible effort and budget and lowest. I've got a pinball machine and And a sticker. And we're going to mandate leave. We go. And honestly still less pushy than the wicked gift shop. So

It's got its signs. I'm gonna go with best worst dubs. So usually when a musical is dubbed, it's because the person who is being dubbed. Can't sing. And the Apple went with an interesting choice here, which is that neither the dubr or the duby can sing.

Well but the dubur can sing. That's the most fucked up thing, is that the actress actually can sing. It's so p Oh, so you're saying they've dubbed over a different person?'Cause uh my dubbing notes were all about audio quality because there's a whole battle that went on where some of the songs are dubbed in a studio and that always sounds awkward, you know. And then there's some where they just took the warehouse sound. Yeah. Whatever was in there. I have to tell you guys.

Right. Like the is everything. It's literally a warehouse too. I I was looking up an article and and they said that it was like an old World War Two warehouse where they did gas, like they just Yeah. I don't know, created. They did gap. I remember when they did gas. Especially in World War II. Do you remember when they did Gas in World War? Oh well this is in Berlin, right? Yes, American. Yeah, it was in Germany, yes. Israeli. Yeah. I guess I guess yeah. Ultimate revenge is film this movie.

Yeah. As an israel. Originally Steven Spielberg. Oh, God. But it's to art and it's right here. Yeah. In this gas factory. Alright, my boy.

Well listeners, we're about to give you another one of those surely they're just lying to us about what happened at this point in the movie movies, so buckle the fuck in through the break and we'll be back in a minute with all the unchecked cocaine usage that is. The apple is the You're gonna get hurt. Just give me a second to catch my balance. Hey guys, what you doin'? Guys, guys, stop! Eli, Thomas was just explaining his pread shenanigans for Lisa mattresses. Yeah. We gone?

No. Hi podcast listener. Listen to me. Lisa sent us a free mattress. And I was like, oh, that's nice of them. Well, what can it hurt to have an extra mattress in the house? Guys, it's the best mattress ever. But my uniscope. Thomas, we don't need the shenanigans. Look.

I have read eight billion commercials where someone was like, oh, this is cooling technology. And I've always been like, what does that mean? How can cloth make you cooler, especially when it's added to your body situation? Well, the Lisa Chill legendary does. 'Cause I sleep on it now and it's the best and it's perfect and it's supportive and it feels good. And I need you to listen to me. I need you to listen to me, okay?

I will buy another one whenever this mattress dies or evaporates from the dream that I'm having when I sleep on it. Okay? I am the customer now, Lisa. You made a sale. It's me. I like the mattress. I mean, that does sound nice. Is nice Lydia. Lisa has been awarded best hybrid and best memory foam mattresses by New York Times' wire cutter, and it's featured by West Elm as their go-to mattress part. Well those are actually both great recommendations.

The only recommendations. I, as a middle-aged white man, know no illusions. So go to Lisa.com for 30% off select mattresses. Get an extra 50 bucks off with promo code AWL exclusive for our listeners. That's L-E-E-S-A dot com. Promo code AWFL for 30% off select mattresses plus an extra$50 off. Support our show. Let them know we sent you after checkout. Lisa.com promo code. Awful. Okay, but so I learned to un ride a unicycle for nothing then? Well no no unicycle skill is wasted, Thomas.

Feels pretty wasted, man. Hehehe

Uh I hereby called order this meeting of the hippies who are somehow inexplicably Christian. Uh are we all gathered together? Yeah man! Awesome. Awesome. Yeah. So as you all know, most of our religion stands for Well literally the opposite of everything that we do. Totally. Peace. Yeah, and also culturally they villainized us for literally no reason other than dressing different and being nicer than them. Uhhuh. Speak rather.

Right, but today we're gonna change all of that with a musical that's about love and music and our Christianity. Um, hooray! Are you sure we don't just want to be like a different religion? For the fourth time, Craig, yes. Okay. Just Just asking. Yeah. And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna open up on screaming future teens rushing to the concert. Yeah we can tell how future they are by how shiny the materials on their clothes are. And we're into lots of different shapes in the future.

Mary Jim. Yes. Lot of triangles. A lot of trapezoids. I get it. It's nineteen eighty you've seen where shoulder pads are going, right? It's like you know when you see like a clip of a podcast and some guy is like, Well, there aren't gonna be any jobs in four years because he's pointing to a graph and he doesn't understand how numbers work. That's That's how we felt about shoulder pads from Right, yeah, clearly.

And but this was nineteen eighty, so they were right. Like they actually were right for like eight, nine years. I don't know. When did when the It was a trend center. This movie is present, okay? This movie called A Lot of A lot of Society Makes Sense now in light of what So and we should point out that this movie it was released in nineteen eighty and it was set in the distant future of nineteen ninety four. Why did they do that?

I was just thinking about this'cause like you have the conundrum and every movie that does the future has this. If you go too far then everyone's gonna be like, Well, that's weird'cause everything's like kind of the same'cause you can't invent enough weird things. If you don't go far enough you face this problem, which is like

Hey man, that it's been five minutes and that that's now we're in the time that you said and it's not this at all. It's you have to pick a sweet spot. I think the sweet spot's like twenty five years. I was trying to think. What would you think? Like twenty five, thirty years maybe? That's enough to like Twenty five's too close. I think yeah, I think you gotta go above fifty. Yeah, maybe 50. Like four. Yeah.

Imagine okay, what's fifty years ago? Imagine nineteen seventy six trying to predict today though. They wouldn't get cl it would be terrible. You gotta keep it close enough. You know what I mean? It's hard to fair to build. It's tricky, but th but but they they bet on trapezoids and boxes. Yeah, they nailed it. So we're at the World Vision Song Festival, right, where all of the different acts from all over the world come together and they sing their songs and we decide who the superstars are.

Basically you're a vision. Oh it's basically Yes, exactly. Once again, prophetic this goddamn movie. Well that's what's so funny is like I was like, This is so weird and bizarre. What are they doing? And then they said that I was like, Oh, it's Eurovision. That's basically what it's like, okay. Right. This is normal your vision. Yeah.

So we're gonna we're we're gonna open up on the first of of many music numbers. This will be the duet of Pandy and Dandy, who I I wrote down as the glittery helmet crew before I had names. Sporo. And they're singing their hit single Bim. And and for those watching us on YouTube, you will see that Thomas and Lydia have chosen, I believe, Pandy and Dandy as Yeah, yeah, exactly. The reason we are demonetized right now is that

Pandy and Dandy are doing that work. I have one question about this musical number and I know we have a lot to get to, but I do need to speak my truth. The call and response The Bim is B. Mm-hmm. I think it should be B. I. Okay. I find it very upsetting that the audience gets two thirds Of the work. Right. Some lazy shit by the You know what you could do? You could split the audience. You could split the audience and then it becomes You can do that. Right. Here's what I like.

You say it's their hit new song. One thing that you could almost do a best worst of is time in terms of songs'cause they'll constantly say, Ah, it's the new song and then later they'll be like, Oh, she's gonna play her new s she The girl later on has a record deal and a tour without a song, like Not a single fucking song.

This one I'm pretty sure they say like, Oh, your new song's gonna be a hit. How is the audience already knowing the song? They all know everything. Right. Like everyone already knows it. Yeah. To the point where they're doing a choreographed Ah yam like who taught'em that? When was that? So and and then they need to like go introduce some other characters. So this song goes into a a portion where they just say, Hey, hey, hey, bim's on the way three hundred and eighty two times.

The Beatles at the end of Hey Jude would be like, This feels a little long, right? Oh. Likewise, Eli, did this feel like Starlight Express but not involving trains? Like okay. Like just visually and stuff, it v it very much felt like this is Android Weber and Did it be This is mid-Coke Andrew Lloyd Weber. Yes. Right.

This is definitely mid coke, yeah. So okay, so but now we cut w so they they're in their bridge, their forty eight minute bridge, and we're gonna cut to their producer, right? This is the bad guy of the movie, Mr. Bugalo.

Who talks alternates talking like this. Yes. Yes, but with a fake French accent. That's great. And he's rocking a maroon smoking jacket. He's got two minions with him that have like server tuxes with trapezoidal shoulder panels. Mm-hmm. Oh, it's just fucking delicious. He comes in and he's like, How are we doing? And we meet this character, Sheikh, who has given him the the audience statistics of like how good like he's got how many Heartbeats. That's like likes, I guess.

The most fabulously gay character ever. Yeah. Like In this movie is not Yeah. Like maybe like one of the lead dudes. Maybe. Maybe. Yeah. Everyone else is getting Mr. Sprout very openly guessed. You had to be gay to get in. Like this gay to enter and then yeah. Clearly. Clearly, yeah. But so everybody thinks that Pandy and Dandy are gonna be the biggest stars of the decade. The lyrics of the bim song at this point are ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh yes, absolutely.

And if you didn't get enough of what was the repetitive thing? Hey, hey, hey, bim's on the way. Yeah, Bim's on the way. They do that later. They recall it would be like if you brought back Yes, there's a replay. In the middle of the year. Whatever. For you know, and then did it for another hour and you're like, God, John John shot himself instead of getting shot.

They go on with the hey, hey, hey, Bim's on the way so long it you feel like one of'em's expecting the other one to do the last like the to like lead'em out or something. But yeah. Yeah. But then the Song wraps up, they scored a hundred and fifty heartbeats, which is pretty fucking big deal, right? Just sitting there? Meow. Your resting heart rate as you're listening to music. the cardio zone. I fucking love this song.

And then what's great is as you're going to then they have the folk duo later and they're still measuring the heartbeat, which I love'cause they're playing like this smooth love song, this like sixties Kind of hippie love song. And then it's like the heart rates are even better. And you're like, so you're just sitting there to this slow harmonic tune going You need to remember how much coke was in the system of everyone

Yeah, right, right. No, that's true. That's fair. So I I think that'cause they were res measuring pulse rate, but I think the heartbeats were supposed to be like like likes that the audience could give'em or something like that. Heartbeats? There's no way. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I I I agree with Noah. I think that it was indicative of something else. Yeah.

'Cause they said they said heart rate and pulse rate uh separate from that as well. Yeah. But it th the heart rates were ridiculous. But um But this is where Mr. Bugolo turns to Lydia's best worse and he says, We need merch and the guy goes, Like t shirts? And I'm like, What are you fucking give me a fucking break? Fuck T shirts. Jesus.

But yeah, that then like as as as Thomas said, this is where we are gonna meet our heroes, right? Alfie and BB, the folk duet. Yeah. Yeah. And this is very like pip and vibes is what I got. I'm gonna just bring in like a little musical references here and there. This is the day for it, Lydia. Thank you so much. You're in your space. It's just you and Eli. It's fine. We can no and I can It's so pip in though, like musically, this song it's We're gonna talk about football.

The title of the song is Love the Universal Melody and I wanted to barf the second I heard that. Somebody answered me this about the sixties and seventies and this is eighty, but uh you know, they wrote it. Yeah. Filmed in seventy nine. This is yeah. Why did they certain words just decided they had to be a different thing and melody. You have to say. Melody. That was a sixties th I don't why no one says it like that, but it just has to be forever. You're right. Melody.

Yeah, it's like how certain poets just think through and rough rhyme and then we're just we just haven't noticed the words on the page, don't Does that happen? Oh, yeah. Trust me. Like no one will ever say this out loud. Couple of couple of Keats scholars are Really fucking. that one. Pretty heavy criticism of some of early Ulysses. Yeah. I'm just gonna skip. All right. You guys notice how hot the Smiths are? What are they doing here? Am I right?

L Lydia will talk football with us on this one. She's it's just us and Eli. All right, but so but then you know, what what we're supposed to see here is that this duet they don't have the fancy dancers and the horns section that these other guys it's just the two of them and their voices, but but yet they manage to connect with the audience. Yeah. Exactly, exactly. Now they also have like a bunch of other instruments joining them from behind, like always Yeah. Right, yeah, exactly.

Who's playing that? I don't know. The second least unhealthy kind of poly.

But all the guys in the audience are like, This is a stupid love song and all the women are like crying and just moved to tears by it and everything. But then we see like back in the booth, the producers are getting nervous, right? Like the mister Boogaloo and his crowd are getting nervous'cause like maybe their team won't win after all.

Yeah. I mean the men are being won over, right? We see the audience they're cuddling next to their girlfriends. Everyone's calmed down. People aren't screaming at these two poor people that are just trying to sing a freaking song. Yeah. One of the heckles is one of the audience members goes, Do the Yeah. I don't I don't know what that guy thinks. Freebird. That's them saying Freebird. That's their Hãy subscribe cho kênh La La School Để không bỏ lỡ những video hấp dẫn

Yeah, right, exactly. That's the fuck what this is the cantina from fucking Star Wars. You just heard that fucking song. What are we doing here? That's the that's the whole Really you didn't get enough hey, hey, hey bims on the way at the end of that thing? Really? I was promised that Bim is on the way and Bim hasn't gone. Um so the the also bim stands for what? It's like the music Wow. Google music indust uh industrial music.

Yeah, so it's the name of the like company. Yeah. And I just love it's like do the bim like B. I am like no that's like saying IBM. It might as well be IBM actually. Yeah. One of the song was IBM and everyone's like, This is great, I love IBM. Fantastic song. So yeah, but so but they get so nervous about it that Mr. Bugolo has a guy put a a cassette tape on, little tiny cassette like would go in uh Oh who was transformer with the fucking Yeah, well Ha ha ha.

Oh yeah, the reference was even worse. Sorry. So he puts way in nineteen ninety four, damn it. He puts on this cassette, this little cassette that has beeping noises, so the audience is like, I don't like this sound now that there are beeping noises. Snaps everyone else. Right. No one's like, Hey, I think someone's playing an annoying beeping thing. They're just like Wait, now I hate this song I liked five seconds ago. This part of this song is unpleasant.

Even though it's exactly the same as it was. I also listen to big thief music. I get it, audience. But their heartbeat rates go down or whatever, and then she runs off the fucking stage'cause they're all booing her, and he's like, Well, I'm at least gonna finish the god. Ja. True performer.

Well and it well hold on, and that's part of the genius of this film because that's insight into their characters. Like he's he's not gonna s bow to peer pressure. No. She's too responsive to the Yeah, there's layers to this, okay?

Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. So then we cut to Mr. Bugolo, he's leaving after the competition and we have to show off that he's like multilingual, so like all these reporters are asking him in different languages for for comments. Thomas. It's all four languages. He was like Yeah, all four exactly. He asked me, he was like, What's happening? Well it's because Subtitles also were just that language, like they weren't in English. And so I was like, What is going on?

And then Lydia says, I love this about Lydia,'cause she's the girl in the in the thing. She's very susceptible to any pure society, any she's like, Oh no, it's a bit and I was like, Oh, okay. And so I keep watching it and then I was like There's no that wasn't a bit. Are we sure that it's? Thank you. Being able to memorize a couple of sentences in four different languages is like a magic trick to Americans. That's what it is.

What does it even do for the character and the scene? I don't get it like I still we've seen the whole movie. I don't get the point of what that was. Well so he's Satan. Right. Oh right. in a different way. He does a lot of you know, the owl app or It's gotta be able to do it. Yeah. That's good. Demon Lingo. Yeah. Duolingo. You can only learn two? He's learned like a seven. He needs different I'm losing my streak. I'll torture you in a second. Yeah, that's nice.

There's a goth girl on here who I'm worried about. But the reporters are asking him they say a lot of people think that the competition was rigged, right? And he's gonna get those damn reporters that are asking about that. Joe Pittman. Yes, right. I will never forget that name because of this movie now. Wasn't he one of those few people that actually was in something?

Uh no, so he became a composer actually. That actor later went on to be a composer and did like Mortal Kombat and I don't know a ton If he did that original, I said that to Lydia. I was like, if he did the like monocobat, like then you're a genius. I don't know. If he did that, he probably didn't.

Pretty good. Pretty solid. All right. So but then we we cut to the big party. They so they win, Bim wins. Yeah. Right. And so now we're at the after party and the merch guy is gonna show what he's come up with. Now Presumably he's had one debt. Like like like he turned to him earlier that evening. Right. Yeah, yeah, like two hours, right? And he's like, give me some merch. And he comes like two hours later, he's like, I got triangles. been a machine, as we said.

The bimball machine and he's like Are you sure that wasn't just the pinball machine that was already here? I bought that was Adam's family I bought yesterday and it's you just put a sticker over it. Yeah. Yeah, so now everyone is wearing the BIM mark, right? Like this triangle sticker. And this is important because it it comes into the movie

Oh please, why don't you lecture the Christian people movie people about the triangle? I was gonna ask you if you understand this at all or have no it what it is, son. She doesn't know anything about religion in any

So this is the constant Christian movie thing. It's the mark of the beast or whatever, right? I've only learned this from you guys. Exactly. I don't know it either. Exactly. It's always it's always weird accents and the mark of the beast is like the And everybody has to wear the same market. They all have to wear the mm. Part of the fucking the whole bullshit. You tell us. I don't know.

Now, the thing that they fuck up about this is it's just a sticker, right? So like normally the mark of the beast is like a tattoo or an implant, something that like you can't get rid of, but this is just a sticker you have to reapply on occasion. Think of like you cannot even keep it on. Like if you were trying to give people tickets they would constantly be like, Oh fuck, it fell off again. Yeah, exactly.

Actually expecting Noah for you to identify what pinball that was based on that clip and just be able to identify That actually was bimball. His finger in the air. Relish, yeah. That's a two thousand and six Adams Family machine? Somehow went back in time. are a little loose, that one's not gonna tilt well for you. Yeah. What are you even saying that makes no sense to do that?

I still don't believe there's any skill involved. I think you and April are making it up'cause I caught you being old people and you were like, No, this is real. We're not just touching the button. Okay. So then we we cut to the love song couple. They're going to the party too, but Alfie doesn't want to. BB wants to'cause she knows it'll be good for her their career to get in good with Mr. Bugolo, the producer, but Alfie's not so sure about it, right?

So they arrive and then mister Bugolo announces them and everybody makes fun of the fact that they're from a place called Moose Jaw. It's a weird way to introduce someone by having everyone laugh at where they're from. Right.

Also as though that's like a like it's still a place that exists in this time, right? It's not like that's Yeah. You know what? You know what I mean? Like that's kinda how they're playing. It's like sure. Well it's still name that apparently. However This moment was how I felt when I introduced the Smiths to full time podcasting'cause they were just normal humans and we were all triangle shaped monstrosities. Sure. That makes sense. Quit your government jobs and drink out of this bar.

Yeah. Ha ha ha. So yeah, so with m Mr. Bugolo, he introduces like so these two characters are supposed to be a couple, but he's like now here, uh Alfie, you fuck Dandy and Yeah, he just like pairs them up. Yeah, right. And boy, Alfie got the better end of that fucking deal. Jesus. I don't remember who's who, but the one that's a girl is miles out of the league. Pandy. That's Pandy. I like this movie. Yeah, right. Oh my hold on, right there. Yeah, that's bad. This fucking dingus is the other guy.

Yeah. It was the eighties, Thomas. It was a different time. That's the best we had in the eighties. Yeah. So but then he's like, Why doesn't everyone drink some alcohol? And Alfie's like, I don't drink alcohol and everybody laughs. And PB's like, I'll drink an alcohol. And it's a huge bowl of champagne. It's so large. They they give her a tall like flower vase and then he gets a fishbowl. Yeah.

A fishbowl. It it is a it look we're not exaggerating when we said that. Like if you put that much milk on your cereal it would be excessive. Right. Mm-hmm. This giant bowl of champagne. And we're all sitting there going, drink it. I want you s I want to see you drink without that splashing all over your fucking face, lady. I did do the scene of the black oh uh She's just sticking her head in and going

So we're gonna go over there, we're gonna go okay. We're not gonna cut, we're gonna I'm gonna put my arm in it and I'll come out. Let's go. Let's go over here. Yeah. So yep, the sick next scene. Is this like the hell long spoons thing where I give you the drink and you give it to me and it's a metaphor? The Chinese magician and the prestige. Yeah.

You think about the budget that went how did they get this budget? Was the guy a billionaire?'Cause like it's not that easy. Like in this day and age you'd be like, Oh, someone three D printed all this shit. Sure. Yeah. But like they have later on they have the the different glasses that they have for drinks. Yeah. They get triangle ones that are long elongated triangles. Yeah. Interesting. It's bizarre. Would that be the future, man?

So the thing is is that like somebody the guy who produced this thought it was gonna be a big hit. That thought like Saturday Night Fever was a big hit and this is just like Saturday Night Fever. Plus religion, which people are. Which which makes it even better. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It's like sometimes we go to Europe for conventions or something and we meet Europeans who are a solid sixty years in the past and they'll be like, You know what I love most about your podcast where you always say Heath is the one with the beard. And then they wander off into the crowd and I'm like, man, I have no I don't think that guy's heard our podcast.

This is this version of watching Saturday Night Fever, right? They were like got it. So they love singing, they love dancing and they love men with eventereal disease. We can do this, guys. Oh god. But I just the cup I'm so sorry, the cup is something that has existed for th like the f artifacts we have from the ancient pac the oldest thing we have. Yeah. Yeah. He's a cop. Pretty consistent. Right, yes, yes. Why would we change that?

Yes. And then all of a sudden, fourteen years in the future, yeah, for example, fourteen years in the future we're like, fuck that.

Fuck that cop. So okay, so but Dandy takes BB on a tour of the penthouse. He's like, Hey my uh my underwear model guy is gonna take your girlfriend upstairs to the bedroom. You and I, let's go talk about your views. Yeah. And he gives her a pill here which fucking rules Like. Oh my god. Yeah, yeah. Look, I'm not gonna name names of who this would work on on the podcast. But she's like, What is it? And he's like, It's a pill, take it. It's like you got it, man.

Oh okay. I thought it was like uh like what? What is the other thing like She thought it was one of those really extreme mints that Really unpleasant. Yeah, suck on it or not. Oh it's a pill. Okay. She goes, Well what'll it do? He goes, It won't hurt you. And I'm like, Well, that you've ruled out all the bad stuff right there. So Listeners, if you would like to know who Eli was talking about, go to YouTube and watch this um because m I think my face will reveal Yeah, it's me.

I think it's also me if you said, Oh, we open these and they'll go bad if Okay, no that's true. I thought Eli was making that reference. If Thomas wasn't paying attention, I could get him to take the bill. If he was mid edit, I could just be like Yeah. Buddy. What is it? It's pills. Uh by one o'clock and he'd be like uh Ha ha. Okay, that's true. Crunchy. Crunchy. Ha ha ha.

So now of course at this point we we need are in in desperate need of a a song and dance number, so we do like the Dandy trying to seduce B B song. Yeah. Yes. Oh, that this one is. Okay. What percent? This is beauty's. No, I thought that was a later song. No, that's this one. I feel like the choreo slaps throughout the entire Photography is the one good thing in this movie. Legitimate. Oh, my God. No, you're right. Because Nigel fucking Lithgow was the choreographer for this movie.

A judge from so you think you can dance away. Yeah, it's actually good. What's amazing too is you can see that that's the only good thing in this entire movie, besides Professor Sprout kinda can act, but it doesn't really happen. But like you can see what happens when you have a good choreographer but nobody can dance. Yeah. It's like, oh that Yeah. Oh yeah, I see. If anyone had any- Yeah. It's it's so good, so creative. Yeah. He hates that he did this movie by the way.

He doesn't want to talk about it ever. But he said it's because like the actual experience of the production was so traumatizing. Um Okay, now that's incredible because if you're saying imagine saying, I don't want to talk about doing that movie and you're not talking about because it's fucking sucks. Imagine how bad there must have been like a a serial killer in the movie or something that killed half.

Tell me you've never worked with Israelis without telling me you've never worked with Israelis. He said it was like impossible to uh he said it was like hurting cats trying to get all the dancers to like actually show up for things because drugs you could just buy over the counter in Germany at the time. So he said everyone was just like buying benzos and hopper. Yeah, they also had to be in this movie. Come on.

Right, no, that's fair. That's fair. So okay. So but then she's singing about what a fantasy he is. Alfie comes in, cock blocks her, and he's like, We gotta leave. So then we cut to Alfie and B B goin to see him the following day, right, about signing a contract and being the next big duet in his This is the best part of the movie. I legitimately, unironically, love the music number when the everybody's just waiting in the waiting room. Is that this to get the Yeah, um the big waiting room.

So g okay. We need to I wish we could play this. They decided to try to pull off a time change in this one. So the chorus is in six eight. The verse is in four. So it's done And then they try to pull off a time change. And what I love about this is they

I don't know if they dubbed it. This is the one that's also like the airport sound. Like so they never got it right. Not a single time. Because it goes it's one, two, three, four, da da da one da da da da da da da da da da da da da It's in six, eight. And so every time they're like And there's done nothing but judge all business. Like every single one like

Like a stumble before they get into it. And then by the end you're like, Oh yeah, I guess the time ch Oh, back to four four. Like by the time they get back to four four, they've barely adjusted to the six eight. It's it's the best. You ever go to like a high school production of a musical that's meant for grown ups to do? That's what watching this movie is like.

Well and also like have you ever watched on video a production that high school students did right? Because the sound on this we're not exaggerating at all when we say it just sounds like they're in an open tin roofed rare warehouse. Hundred percent. It's so funny. But it's also so fucking funny because they're all just in the waiting room to get signed the massive airport waiting room and they're just doing their performances for no reason. That's insane. I actually love this.

There's like a random clown. It's a sad clown. Like I will be. Even sadder magician. Yeah, the clown. Like if you're gonna watch one scene this would be the This is so fucking good. God I love it. And then there's the actual good choreography too. And you're like, that's actually smart. With a tap break.

Yeah, there's the phone the the phone operators do a thing and they're supposed to like do uh and then like say no, but then one like can't even do it. She's like in the background kinda like laughing like a and you're like, God, if you all did this genius is choreography. This would have been a Yep. I I just love that like they ended it with a big tap dancing bit just so we could traumatize Eli from every possible direction. Very hurtful. Thank you for seeing my truth and understanding my pain.

What did that there is? Nothing but your business. Yeah.

All right, well, this was a scene about waiting, so I think we all deserve a break, but we'll be back in a minute with all the glitz and glitter of the apple. Hey podcast listener. As you probably know by now, it's Matreon, which means we're fundraising for the most important cause of all. Uh. Oh, should we go? Not at all, Thomas, because this year we've pledged that our very own Thomas Smith will remain celibate unless we hit 1,000 new and upgrading patrons.

That's right. Until we get 1,000 new and upgrading Patreons at matreon.com. That's M-A-Y-T-R-E-O-N.com. Thomas will know no pleasure of the flood. None at all. Wait, Lydia, you agreed to this? They told me you said yes. He said yes with his eyes. God damn it. You won't just be giving Thomas sweet physical release. Patrons also get access to our pajama party livestream, behind the scenes extras, and so much more. So head on over to matreon dot com today to pledge or increase your pledge today.

Matreon.com for Thomas. Okay, I signed up for a thousand dollar pledge. Okay, that only counts as one though. God damn it, Lydia Lydia, what's your email? Why don't you know my email? It's not the right time, okay? Thanks so much for inviting us to your party, mister Bugelow. No problem, darlings. Can I get you a drink? No thanks. We'd love it. Here you go. Go on, enjoy Can't really tilt it without spilling, said Mine's a fishball. Isn't it divine? Really want to leave.

Never mind. We're doing a musical number now, anyways. Maybe if I had a straw? Ha ha ha.

And we're back for more of this shit and we're gonna rejoin the action with Alfie and B B getting their chance to see Mr. Bugolo after a long wait. And it's at this point that we should Point out to the audience that their main vision for the future, the the creators of this film was that it would be iridescent. Mm.

Right? Everything like b when you they walk into the office, he's got these two big pillars that are just covered with iridescent like contact paper or whatever. There's just rainbows shining off of every fucking thing. Yeah, this is pre the cement companies taking all the glitter so they Oh no, that particular thing. Do you not know this?

Oh, this was a huge internet meme a while back'cause everyone was th this one glitter company was like, If everyone knew who bought most of the glitter they'd lose their fucking minds and they were like, Oh, it's probably toothpaste But it's not toothpaste, it was a cement company. No, it was boat it was boat. No with cement companies. This is our Well, the meme was about...

I think that we should have been that future. You know,'cause the future we are is colorless, filtered down nonsense. Yeah. You know, like everything is reduced in color. You see those like comparisons people do? Yeah. They're like, Oh, the color is out of the world. And you're like, you know what? That's bad. We should go back to the eighties.

I'm just looking at all of our shirts. We've got we're we've got we've covered white, black, gray and white and black. Yeah. No, so I guess we're not helping. Fair, everything that's bad in this movie is significantly better than our very real cult. Right now. Like if in order to have a meeting you had to sit in an airport hangar with a air conditioner themed magician and clown, that's still significantly better than the origin

Ram wolf. Yeah. Okay, I I need to take a moment because I don't know if any of you gentlemen noticed this, but this scene was perfection because we got beautiful angles. Of Alfie's rear end. Oh yeah. The tightest pants that we have. Inside his skin. They move they're under his skin. I was so happy for him. I was like, Good for you like th that's a real good butt. You have a real good butt.

We should point out so Alfie is that that is the only reason that he had good hair and a great ass. That is like so we haven't mentioned this yet, but Alfie is a Scottish gentleman who is trying to sound like he's from Canada. And it's the most just jarring weird ass accent that you've ever heard. You spend the whole movie going, What are you going for? Man He was never in another movie after this, dropped off the face of the fucking earth.

Scottish people that must be hard because their normal talking is a whole different part of your mouth. Like they use a different they don't Then they gotta like Oh, you want to use the parts that are like this and you're like, Yeah, why when you always use those parts. Well I don't know. We can only go Yeah. No one ever made job of the hut do ro Right. Fucking Bason, Virginia. Wait. We come back, hold on.

And and of course the way this scene plays out is uh Mr. Bugelow wants him to sign a contract and now if he's like, Well you do you mind if we read over it? And he's like, No we No time, no time, you know. And they have separate contracts too, which I think is important, right? Because Yeah. And I do want to cede ground to the legal experts here, Gavel Gavel, available wherever you get your podcasts. Does it really matter if layman read a contract? You're not gonna get it.

Yeah. Yeah. Well that's why I'll be like I want a lawyer. Right. Right. Yeah, absolutely. Right. Yeah. Painfully. Yeah. Yeah, justice for the man who knows everything and sensible man and then the woman has to be an idiot. Exactly. Right, yeah, exactly. So so he's like, Well, I w I wanna read over these contracts and he's like, Well, you've got a meeting with the best fashion designer in the world in twenty seconds and he's like, Well, I don't know

It's ramping up like what he like somehow she already has a music career. Like I said, Oh yeah, your tour, you gotta get on the plane. The tour starts right now. The tour. You're already on the stage right now. If you sign right now I'm handing you the Grammy now. You can but you don't sign now, you can't get it. It's having Oh, just record your second album if you sign it. Right now you gotta know. Platinum versus platinum.

Yeah. So i b and and he goes, Well let me read this over, you know, in the in the nineteen seconds I have before this this appointment and he's like, Oh no, no time, here comes the press and he pushes a button and the wall slides away and all these Star Trek extras are like We're the press. For some reason in fourteen years we're all dressing in fucking velvet V's. I don't know why. Let's... I need that.

As Trump has destroyed the mainstream media more and more and they've sort of leaned into and allowed themselves to be manipulated to become right-wing vehicles of that speakerphone, why don't they try all wearing the same outfit? Because I bet With if everyone was wearing sparkly red one day, I bet the fascists would be like What's going on in the You gotta you gotta dance back is what I'm saying. Dance back.

Of course, B B is ready to sign'cause she's the flighty woman, right, and she doesn't know no better. Just hand her a pill. Ha ha. Yeah, right. Well does Lydia know that Eve did the Apple stuff? Okay, I wasn't sure. They blame it on her and Sure. Yeah. It's her then it's her fault. Zero Bible, everybody. She doesn't know anything about this other than from your show. And the pills we handed her.

Yeah. But Alfie decides, all right, I guess it's he'll sign. So he picks up the pen and suddenly there's an earthquake that only he can see and feel. So weird. and vision. And it goes for a long fucking time. But yeah, we watch him and like being weirdly calm in the middle of an earthquake and then everybody doing the like, What were you looking at just now?

It's oh it's so good, Noah. Cause here's the thing, he can't act or do any acting of any kind or anything. And so what they do is they have him see in his mind the world's coming apart. But what's happening on the outside is he's going But in Scottish, I don't know what the Scottish z is. Oh, it's

And then he's doing nothing, but then the whole world has started staring at him, being like, What's wrong? While he's just sitting there like, why would they think anything was wrong? He was just literally standing there expressionless. And at at one point like the everybody starts chanting a sign, like they're trying to get the freshman to drink. Sign, sign, sign. But then he sees like darkness and and and lightning that nobody else can see, and then there's hellfire apparently.

Mm. Which is like it already was a shit contract to begin with. Why did you need all that? Right. Yeah. The situation already sucked. I wouldn't have needed to see any of that. Well and then suddenly they're all transported to hell.

Mm. Okay. So now she is BB is wearing this bodysuit that's like kind of just pretending to cover her junk just a little bit with her vines or whatever. Yeah. Alfie is in a fucking loincloth. Well the w and the other guy, who's the bad guy? Oh Dan No, sorry, not Mr. Beagles. Yeah, Dandy, or whatever. The male bad guy. This guy. Sorry, this this scene. Here's what I love. He's wearing a fucking he's he's Eli before every single god awful movie's live show. Correct. Yes. He's absolutely.

We're an iPad. But he doesn't want to show his ass. But there's one s you could tell he's uncomfortable. There's one part where he has to like get up on something and he accidentally turns and then you can see him like turn back and be like I'm so Yes, yes, yeah, exactly. Try to try to back away. 'Cause he's got full bare ass like thaw. No, it's right up as well. And you only get one little shot of it because of that. That's a shame.

Not for free. If you want to see Alfies you have to cast them in this movie, which is I I think how that happened. Yeah. And what I love is that this the whole reason this scene happens is because They were watching this movie or writing this movie and they were like, you know what, guys? This metaphor of Adam and Eve, too subtle. Right. So let's give them this apple that if you're watching this you can see it that's half green, half green. Okay, but what lyrics will we write? Um a app Apple.

Okay. Hold on, what things go before Apple? Morble apple, rotten apple, very apple. I almost went with worst lyric. It's a good one. So some of my favorite lyrics from this musical number are Meet an actual, actual, actual vampire I don't know what the fuck. I love that. Actual, actual, actual When we cast the apple eye on you. Join me in the apple dance. And then they just say something apple like different words with Apple.

Now here's the best thing about this song. Now this is where I think they were still trying to figure out how to do this whole audio thing.'Cause before they're like, All right, we did that last song and it was the airport, you could hear the planes taking off, like that was all it that was terrible. Now they have they're they're way too loud, they're way too hot on

The singer's Mike, the guy, thong guy's Mike. Yeah. And so what you hear is what he does like during the parts of the song where he's not singing. Yeah. Because he finishes and he's got the voice that's like Like that voice, you know. And then you hear him in the music's going to It's you can hear the the hot mic backstage where he's like, Quick, give me another keybump. Yeah, right.

You can see it's so funny because he's the parts he's not seeing the mic is still the h highest thing in the whole mix. And he's like, Mm-hmm. Yeah, we have to uh Спасибо. It's a bowling ball sized apple that's half green and half red. Right. Is that part of it? Is that part of the Mythology. Nope. Fun fact, in the mythology, it's actually a pomegranate. It's actually not it's it's like it's it's not specified what it is. All you're doing. That's bad for the show.

Yes, Andrew. Yeah, no, pomegranate all the way. So yeah. Ha ha ha. You have to say it or I'm not doing any more money. Ha ha ha ha. Helpy. Yeah. I wish I was committed enough. Just found. Turning the chair is good. That's a good. I'm not Ah, man. I can't see you. I don't see yeah. So okay. So but but Alfie tells her, No, don't eat the apple and then Panny's like, Look, I'm gonna seduce you in just a minute, but let her eat the apple first or whatever.

Does she ever eat that out? No one ever takes a bite of that thing because it's a problem. It was not you could tell there were moments. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. But the big music number ends with Alfie like hallucinating in in Bugalow's office and deciding not to like he was like hallucinating this whole thing and he decides he's not gonna sign the contract. He will never sign the contract.

So he goes to march past these two security guards and I feel sorry for everyone involved in this movie to some degree or another, but nobody more than these guys that had to wear these fucking boar tusk teeth the whole time.

Oh, that's gotta be so uncomfortable. Imagine wearing vampire teeth upside down so that things kinda come up Like I I thought initially it was tied to the visions he was having, but it's throughout the rest of the movie. Oh there. Right. Bartender, I think. Yep. Yeah. So you know, it worked out. Yeah, no, it it all went well for him after that. Yeah.

So yeah, but so Alfie charges out of the building, BB goes to follow him, but Pandy and Dandy stop her on the way out and they're like, Hey, you know, where you going? And she's like, Well, I gotta follow my boyfriend. They're like, No, you don't and she's like, Oh, I didn't think about it like that though. No. You know what I love about bad movies and bad acting and bad writing and bad everything? When she said, But he's my boyfriend, I was like, Oh Is that the Right. Yes, absolutely.

Wait, there's a Big are they dating or are they siblings? Osmond vibe going on. There's not an ounce of chemistry between them. Nope. At all. None. At no point did I pick up on that until she said it. Yeah. Oh Phineas and Billy Island. Yeah, that was a billionaire. I was like Phineas and Ferb? 'Cause I've looked at those cartoons too, but you're not supposed to admit it on the internet now. They're grown ups in the cartoons. Yeah. Sure.

Thank you. Thank you, Eli. I love I love that you threw me a bone though.

So he's trying to. Yeah, just trying to desperately try to save his bit. Okay, so now it's time for another musical number, right? We've got Bugalo and Dandy and BB and Pandy and Shake all sitting at a dinner table and he's gonna sing about you know like What it takes to be a rock star master. Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh that's that one. Okay, yeah. He's a master. Yeah. Yeah. It's like the makeover scene, right? Like that's kind of what they're doing for B

Right. She's doing like we we watch her exercise, we watch her learner dance bits and everything like that. Yeah. And I just wanna say like at this point in my notes I wrote that the guy who plays Bugalo is way too good for this movie. Really? Because like he's awful, everything about him is awful. He's so committed. He's exactly he's so committed to the bit. He's one hundred percent living in the director's vision. It's not his fault that that vision is fucking awful. Right?

Everything he had to this. And you're like he's not really singing, but it kind of gives him like sort of Right. I think Tim Curry was fantastic in Rocky Horror Picture Show. Yeah, it is it is. But I agree with you. I like like I I at the end of this I was like, man, I like that guy. He gave it his off, you know. Good for you.

And like every one of these songs, like they wrote a song they realized it was like forty eight seconds long and they're like, Well fuck, these need to be two and a half minutes so he just repeats the line. Da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba I've been waiting to say I am for like six and a half years. Speaking of which, okay, so now we've got after that song reps up, we've got B B, she's heading out to start her first big tour. Right.

With what song? I don't know. She just has a song. Who who the fuck knows? Yeah. They say to the press on the way out she's that that she's gonna be the number one BIM star, and we're like, what does BIM? Right. It's become kind of a smurf thing. Ryan. Yeah. So then okay, so now she we go to her first concert and we know she's all the way corrupted now'cause she's in metallic spandex, right? So And she's thinking about Bugs. This song is insane. Yeah. So bad.

Honestly, it's'cause it's all about how America's a drug addict and honestly it's not a terrible description of our country, right? Like But it's done as badly as you could do it. Yes, absolutely. Like the the repeating chords is just

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Try just to What do you call it's not a glissander? What what do we call it when you're like going uh like but she never Like, I know what it is. You call it a glashon. I can't remember. Something like that. But it's a slide or whatever where you're sliding. Where you're like Yeah, but she never gets to the top note. Yeah she's always. But I don't know if it's intentional or not, but either way I hate it. Like it's just like

And this was tough this was a different actor's voice. Like this was a different voice Really? I think I was in too much misery to be able to tell. She could sing this good, like right. She sang in another but yeah, it was fucking awful. But of course the real point of it is that the whole time she's doing this song, she's just surrounded by leather daddies that are dancing around and they're like, We're making a Christian movie. Yeah! Who are all gay and have no interest in her whatsoever.

Yeah. But also she's gay too, right? Yeah. Oh, I wouldn't be surprised at all. Yeah. I'm picturing Lydia with like seventeen screens of Yeah, she wasn't until this movie. I don't think that's Grinder profile. Yeah right. She's moving him like Tom Cruise.

Who is also gay? So then we get our first view of like the dystopian world of nineteen ninety four outside all the glitz and glamour of bimdum or whatever. Yeah. And it's about right or better than the Well it's the neighborhood Cecil grew up in. It was like it was nineteen eighty. It was they just went outside. Yeah. Uh But this is where we meet that lady from Harry Potter.

recognize her, I honestly was looking it up and was like, Oh my God, you're not gonna believe who this is, I says to Lydia. Not only is is she the only real actor, she's the only one doing real acting. Because everyone else is doing nineteen eighties like what's up, friend? Yeah, they're doing they're not actors. They're doing like some person from the eighties who doesn't act is trying to act. They might as well have like a shaking script in their hand. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. And she's doing Jew Voice, which we forgive, and it's great. She is Jewish, so. Is she? Yeah. I don't know why so. She is. I d I don't think British people can be bold. She is really outspoken about how uh British Jewish people should be talking about Palestinians and stuff. It's great. She's eighty five or so and she's really strong on that issue. Yeah. Well, there you go. See, it's not hardy. Right. You can't be

So but what we see here is that future cop has to harass her for not wearing her BIM mark. Yes. Now you've got it you actually have to wear the little lenticular rainbow triangle on your face somewhere all the time. Now, they skipped a lot of steps here.'Cause you know, like I I we've we've we I say the collective we of this show, I've heard you guys do eleven thousand of this exact movie. This part anyway. Sure. No you've ne no one's ever done this movie, but like No, nothing like that.

Like hey, you need your mark, you baba. But like when did BIM become the government? Like you kind of skipped a bunch of steps. Like nobody You know why? fucking world building. Because we were also distracted. We missed it because we were distracted. So did the movie. Like there's no part they throw away line, nothing. There's no part where they're like Oh, and by the way, I've bought I mean you could do this, I've bought the government. I'm now Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, like he they could have put in two seconds of that. For all we know, it's a corporation who the police are like, You need to wear your BIM sticker. Right. Yeah. And honestly, I remember when Taylor had their new album out, I did kind of feel like I might have gotten a ticket. For not losing. Yeah, yeah, that's fair. Yeah. Sense. So okay. So but then we she she gets ticketed for not wearing her BIM mark and she goes inside. She is Alfie's landlady. Oh boy.

It takes us a while to figure out she's not his mom and then it takes us a while to figure out that she's not his At first I thought it was his mom and she was doing the extreme yentle whatever like and I was like, Are they trying to play it off like this Jewish woman is his mom? The Scottish guy and Yeah. And then also demanding rent from the right. Right, right. I knew it wasn't as much. Yeah. Yeah. Uh the groping though, that we have to this is Yeah. Yeah. This is when we get to the game.

There there's no reason for it. Just like two seconds before the end of the scene, and they've been doing a s pretty standard. I'm your landlord, make sure you get me your rent. Yeah. Don't you worry, I'll get you your money. And then right before he leaves, almost as an afterthought, yeah, he just massacres her tip.

Well she and she's front cam she's gotten to the camera here, like like she's at the door. The camera's at the door and you see you see it coming behind her and she says like oh this old bosom of yours still has some something compassion or something. I was like sho like actually it's like whoa my god what Yeah, it was a jump. And like yeah, she obviously was it was part of the scene, I guess,'cause she acts it, but like I Messaged her on Instagram. She hasn't gotten back about what her

I need to know I need comment. I need to reach out to comment. Like whose idea was this? And the thing that blows my mind about this is there's no explanation. There is no conceivable explanation. It doesn't m work for the scene. It doesn't work for the characters. It doesn't make sense with any of the movie. He's the like religious guy, right? He's like the pure whatever guy. The uncorruptible. Субтитры сделал DimaTorzok He won't drink but he will grab in unconsenting

Weirdest fucking thing I've ever seen. Like, I truly I'm still thinking about it. Like, what I just want to know who made the decision and how did the conversation go? Yeah. Yeah. Like the chocolate cake in Matilda and then for the rest of your life you just sort of are a little scarred by that. I bet this is that for some people. Right. That's for me. Yeah, Thomas. Being like, leave Professor Sprout's tits alone.

It can get rid of the uh the gremlins uh scene about how her dad died. Don't look that up. That's the dumbest, weirdest that that this this tops that almost.

Fucking brilliant scene. Okay, so now he's gotta go into town to sell his song and we get like some of their splash attempts to like make it look like the future. I included a picture of the nineteen ninety four baby strollers in our notes. Yeah. For whatever reason, the baby strollers are are not pointy edged things like everything else. Yeah but But then they have a bubble Yeah, the bubble tube. I don't I don't know. What are they going for there? You think it's a baby stroke?

I a hundred percent. 100% I guess it's a metal box. So I don't know what's I don't think... Yeah, right. Yeah. I was trying to go with the mythology or the future. I was like, what is it now? You're probably right. It's probably just babies. You know how. Like in Sweden or Norway they leave their babies outside or some weird shit. Maybe it's one of those in the future. Yeah, yeah.

Oh boy. And so he's going to sell his song, but what I love is this movie's an idiot and doesn't know anything. They show him recording a song in the studio. Yeah. And he's strumming the wrong part of the guitar, which I which I love.

very back of the bridge, which would be like like it would sound like shit. Yeah. And uh he said does a whole song. I'm like, okay, so he's in so he sold his song. He's in the studio, right? Like you don't studio time is not free. And then he's like, all right, so how do you like my song? And they're like, we hate Mm. What? Nine nine great. Yeah. But it's a nice combination of effort, right? Is if you just use the uh audition to record the song, you got it right there if you like it.

So yeah, but they don't want his song. His song isn't good enough. So then we wait he's like brooding in the park when a cop comes to fuck with him for not wearing his BIM mu That's right. Alright, they give him a ticket and he rips it up. And then Yeah. Yes, yes. Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance. Oh, that's perfect. It is exactly Sprock.

Yeah, these fucking speakers that are everywhere in the world, they pipe up and they're like, It's time for the national BIM hour. And we're like, What does BIM? FUCKING ME! And the and they're kind of the thing is they're kind of in on the joke'cause they have firefighters do it like putting out a fire and they they the the movie is in on the joke insofar as they're like, Oh, the firefighters are stopping putting out the fire to do this, which is okay, that's a good bit.

But then I don't know that they're in on the joke'cause it doesn't make any sense anywhere for anyone. No. It's just majestic though. I just love it. Everybody just has to do like a a a fucking mandatory dance number. Yeah, right, right. So and I do I love the idea of a national mandatory dance number, right? Just because I wan like because we could engineer it to be near Heath when that first happened, right?

Yeah. And I'm excited'cause as a fat person it turns out that fat people were just gonna have to do Yeah, so like there's you see the old people and they're just punching back and forth and then meanwhile. You have other people doing like literal switch. Yeah. They are putting it. No Thomas is gonna be asked to learn a front hand spring while I'm just sitting. Oh my God. Absolutely. When did they do this? Like when did they fucking find the time?

I love it. I mean, guys, I love this. I love the iridescent stickers. I would I want this. This is the best apocalypse. We've done so many apocalypse. I want the gay apocalypse. This looks so good. Pick this or fucking RFK Jr. telling you about how Really, the one we're in right now? Fucking two, three, four Oh yeah, sorry, I did the band version where you're like two, three, four, banner. Okay, but we did get the world where the actual health department released that video of him and Kid Rock.

Yeah. I am. That's true. That's more of this movie than anything else. Yeah. Yeah. The nuns can dance, you guys. Yeah. It was awesome. So but this song resolves with Alfie seeing a poster for BB's upcoming concert and all her fans rush in to see her or whatever, they're all wearing Yeah. Metallic trench coats, which is awesome. Yeah. But she, like, he's trying to like get to the front to see her, but there's too many fans in between him and her, right? He's like powering through.

Yeah, he picks the worst possible venue at which to try to have a private conversation. Right. Exactly. Yeah, you can't make it through the crush. We see Pandy and Dandy, like nobody cares about them anymore. They're all excited about B these days. It's all about B. Yeah, like biblically speaking, what are they supposed to be? I was trying to think about that.

Fucking idea. Minions of Satan of some sort. Yeah. So but Alfie like tries to get to the front B B notices him but then the security guards drag her into the car and push him away. Beat the shit out of him for a kid. Beat him up. Yeah. That wasn't scripted. We saw what you did to Professor Sprout. Right after. Oh my god. But before that we have this Slips some few but dollars on the C C like a revenge.

We get the like for just a second before that we get the uh Dandy and Alfie try to have like a pretty boy fight where like I neither of these actors know how a punch works, right? They Well that w and that's the funny thing is they actually kinda looked like they got in a real fight, which is fits what you're saying'cause real people don't know how to fight. I actually was like that kinda looked like one of them was Yeah. Genuinely, genuinely, that is what a real fight looks like.

And then he like gets pulled back in the car and he's like, Okay, I'm good, I'm good. Yeah. But and then of course the security guards they beat him up for real. And I guess it looks like our hero is at rock bottom in that he's in this movie. So we're gonna Ha ha ha ha. Well done. So we'll give him a minute to pull himself together, but first I'll give Act Three the hard sell.

Will we see the contours of Sheik's penis to an Eli at a live show degree? Will Disco Jehovah show up in a Rolls Royce in the sky to save the dead? What kind of asshole would I be if the answers to either of those questions was no? Find out the answers are exactly what you hoped they would be when we return for the absolutely fabulous conclusion of the app.

All right everyone, as you know, as part of the new National Mandatory Exercise Program, we're all gonna be doing a big choreographed dance, four PM. How does that work? Yes, well we're gonna well so you're gonna do a rehearsal with all the people that you'll be around at four o'clock every day. Well, how will we know who will be around? Yeah, that's a great question. Maybe... Google calendar. Okay, yeah, I I can make a Google Calendar. Make sure it's public, said I will be able to do that.

More importantly, uh we need to clarify who will be doing what, right? Oh old people, you know, I think they could just punch, sort of, they could just punch, but we're gonna need some people to do flips. What if we can't do a flip? Well y well, we're gonna start with the people you you know who know how to do a flip already, but then I guess other people are gonna have to learn them in rehearsal. That seems really complicated. I I can't join the calendar. Did you make it public?

Dude, get off my nuts. Okay, okay, okay. You gotta make it public. And we're back for still more of this shit. They all live in a podcaster's house. Oh my gosh, yeah, yeah.

Uh I'm sorry. I I can't keep it any longer. While we were on break, I Googled'cause you said the budget was five million. It was actually ten fucking million dollars in nineteen. Yeah. In today's dollars and it's forty million fucking dollars. Forty million dollars for this. Yeah. That's like a Avengers movie. That's like I mean, if that's a real movie. No, but It's like a scene in there. Avengers movie.

That's like getting up there though. Like there are superhero movies with that budget, right? That is a huge fucking budget for a musical in nineteen eighties. The last decade of A twenty four films. Yeah. Yeah, right. It's crazy. And then you said I I didn't see where you said what it made but And but to be fair though, that's you know, a couple thousand dollars. Two grand. Okay. That's a lot of look a I would have taken the under.

Right. Oh my god. It's so but this movie I just watched again the dance scene while again while we're on break. I watched the dance scene again. I love this movie. I fucking love this movie. Oh yeah. Couldn't recommend it either. It's like this movie and the fucking Lisa mattress, right? Like it's just we're we're we're really selling some shit today. We also have Lisa Mattress, so fuck you. Never mind. It's No. Use our use our promotion. Yeah.

Del you got nine Patreons. Delete one of theirs and join us, Patreon. Ha ha ha. Lydia Pill. Adrian. Yeah.

So but now we have the bit where like BB looks out the window and sings about how she misses Al Okay. John song. The funniest fucking joke at this moment that is a perfect Lydia. Okay. Ooh, audition song. Adam, that's... Normal Lydia thing, like she'll say that from time to time if there's a good, you know, whatever. Yeah. But this song is a funny night.

That one got me. Like you know, she'll once a month she'll have one that I'm just like, Jesus Christ, that was fucking great. I wish someone could hear that. Oh, it was so good. I was laughing for like ten minutes at Ha ha So yes, uh she's singing about him and then co of course we cut to him and he's singing about her and then it starts pouring down rain because otherwise they'd have missed a cliche. Yes, exactly.

But yeah, so he's he stumbles this way through the rain to sing his side of the duet, and then we get his landlady waking him up. Yeah, nursing him back to health. Yeah. Right. And w and at this point we're just like, wait, is that his girlfriend or is that his landlady? Where where are we going with this exactly?

Yeah, I mean look, m sh he did grab her. Maybe she liked it more than we observed, and that's sort of that was the initiator for the look Bim took over the world at some point in the missed scenes, maybe they began a relationship. Off camera, yeah. Right, right. Well, that's I'm maybe that was just my brain trying to rationalize the tit grabbing thing. It's like maybe they're in a loving and consensual community.

No, I was gonna say that might have been her acting trying to rationalize. She's like, Okay. I'm a good actor. I guess I'll make this work. I don't Yeah. Right. Right. And then they have a it's it's meaningless, but she tries to feed him soup and he goes, What's that? And she's like It's fucking soup, you idiot. Like what are you? But what else the hell it would be it? W like I almost feel like that wasn't a line in the movie and he just was confused about soup'cause it it serves no function.

Actor had never seen suit. It's a pill. This is wet food. What the fu- Ha ha ha Your cup is tiny. I've seen some crazy It's a liquid, but it you're cheating at me like fo I don't know. No. No.

Yeah, but so the landlady tells him that he needs to get out there and find B B like he go just did. Yeah, but not in a crowd setting, you know, one-on-one. So then we go out for some very sedate clubbing, I guess. I I don't know, we we cut to this room where like everything's red and everybody's just kinda half ass dancing but they're not. Right. Not yeah, everybody's in drag and they're but they're not really into this music, I guess.

Well yeah, the whole thing so he tried to find her earlier and he could we already covered that. Now he just like goes to where she lives and there's a party or something. Is that what it is? Yeah, and they just let him in. Okay. Why didn't you do that the first time? And I can't remember if it was on the break or if we said it while we were recording. Forgive me, I'm always podcasting. But someone said that they were going for a Rocky horror thing here. Yeah, yeah.

And this felt like'cause again, this is a very gay movie. This scene where everyone's in drag felt like the only time straight people are involved. It's just a bunch of your dad's friends wearing dresses and lipstick being That's true. Isn't this weird? And it it and it also felt like we were supposed to be scared of them, right? Like they that were they were the corrupted influence on the other. That's what Ken Paxton sees every time he closes his eyes.

Everyone likes it. Uh but not but has to pretend not. Here's what I think happened. I think you're right on. I think they were like, all right, this scene is gonna be a crazy dream sequence because The dudes will be dressed as women, the women will be dressed as dudes. And then they're like, wait, but we're already been doing that. Like we're this is so gay, you won't be able to tell. Everybody who's a woman who's straight call your husband. Right all. Call your dad. Yeah.

And so they get a bunch of like hairy, like just kind of husband looking guys to be the women now. Sure. So that they can draw a contrast. Yeah. So and then we w learn that those reporters that were being mean and and looking into mister Buglow's stuff are now bartenders at his parties? Joe Patton. Yeah, it's a weird one. And I think I speak for on behalf of the press when they say this is also a p future they would prefer to modernity.

This this act they called it here'cause like it's like you just intimidate or buy the press. Yeah, the billionaire's bought. That's a They were a little early. Nailed it. Don Lemon would be an amazing bartender, and I'm sure he would love.

They this that's actually brilliant'cause the only thing they didn't nail was that instead of buying them and making them do embarrassing stuff, they just buy them and make them do propaganda or fire them. Like it's one or the other. They really should if Elon or Bezos Had the Washington Post reporters bartending for him. Like honestly, are we that far away from that future? Like they honestly

A much more morally standby profession, right? Rather than just like Yeah Hey, we found a transphobe to tell ya how he thinks he's actually being eaten by the bears or something, right? If they were just like, I don't really know how to make a grasshopper, I'd be like, Fuck me neither, man. Ha ha ha. I five. At least we're not promoting fashion and torturing children, am I right? Yeah. What? Yeah, that's it's always Elizabeth, I still. That's... Yeah.

So there's also a moment here so so he comes in and he's looking for BB and and Pandy intercepts him and she's like she goes up to the bartender and she goes like Why don't you make him my special drink? Yeah. If that happens to you guys don't try to Don't drink it. Ready right in that instant two Nandy specials or whatever their name is. Pandy specials. That couldn't be more suspicious. So they do the pill trick on him, and this is the me. Actually, this is us as a couple.

And someone's like, Hey, this'll go bad if you don't drink it right now And he just downs it. Exactly, which is what I would do. Well it sure looks like Roofied the Drink. Peer pressure versus Продолжение следует... Like okay. I wasn't I wasn't watching because the show's due at eight and I gotta it's fine. Just give me the roofie. I put it under my tongue and let it dissolve. You don't have to you don't have to waste a big triangle drink. Yeah.

So but this is where Mr. Bugolo shows up, right, and he says, Mr. Bugalow, I want you and he's all he's all drugged out, right,'cause he's sticking the LGBTQ kaleidoscope booze or whatever. Yeah. And but Mr. Bugolo's there, he's like, I want you to release BB from her contract. And he looks up and he can see that Mr. Bugelow has one horn now. Lydia was so bothered by that. I think he lost the other one and they were like, Hey, did the costume and he was like, The costume has

It's a choice. It's a choice. I wanted to be two I wanted a one horn devil. Everybody does two horn. I'm horny. Yeah. Huh? So and then we've got this like because he's all drugged up and he's going through and he keeps turning people around to see if they're BB, and I'm like, Well, look, you don't know who that is, but you know she's not a six foot two inch You can narrow it down. Drugs. Yeah. You don't know. Hollywood changes people. Ha ha ha.

But then so now it Pandy has to seduce him. So she's gonna sing her song I'm Coming for You. Oh man. Yeah. Boy, sex was chipping off of this thing. Looking nineteen nineties R and B artists would be like, You kinda wanna let the innuendo settle a little bit. So apparently, the like the actor didn't want to sing this song. She was like super uncomfortable with it, and they had it, yeah, if you can imagine. Believe it.

There's also I love there's a moment here where she's gotta like take his jacket off, but it like it clearly gets stuck on the wrist a little bit and she has to tug it too goddamn fucking many times for it to be sexy anymore. There's probably some triangular thing that caught on Oh shit, my try. Right. or whatever.

Let me give you some sex advice podcast listener. Because now that we're in a visual medium, you can see that I am in fact a sex machine. Never let anyone else undress you because it turns into toddler this fast. Especially post kids. If you ever go to address someone you're you go into that brain of like, okay, hold still. It's uh I'm ready when my body is ready. Yeah. So yeah, but so she sings I'm coming, I'm coming, oh God, I'm coming for you.

Don't add this to the sex playlist is what you guys are saying. This is on my sex playlist. The choreography of the sex is brilliant. I love it. Yep. That is so fucking good, right? That that is this choreographer at his absolute best. In the background, there's like a a dozen different beds, and we see all these people doing like sort of choreographed sex stuff. They're doing This is reminiscent of a production of Pippin I did. Oh that's why I brought up Pippin earlier.

I didn't know about this. It happened. Oh yeah. I'm really glad you said college. Uh dance break of with you. And yeah, and there were like these sexy moments. So this was very familiar to me. I was like, I get this. Yeah, there's a I don't know if there's video, but yeah. But not for free. It's Matreon, guys. If we f Lydia, send us and then we'll put'em in the matrix. There you go. There you go.

So everybody's in like these metallic diapers and everything and they're dancing around all sexy behind them. And again, it's it's one of these things where you're just like, Oh wow, imagine if they had real good dancers for this, right? Because it's again it the the vision of the choreographer is there and it's brilliant. It's really Um but everybody sucks and they're not in their Also the song just sucks so much dip. Like it's

Imagine being that choreographer, man. Like it's just uh hopefully you got paid fucking two million dollars. I don't know. A lot of the money. But yeah, but so they sing their song, Pandy seduces him, I guess. He walks away from her afterwards all sticky dicked. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, right, right. More more sexual assault in the movie. It was the eighties. Yeah.

Men didn't get raped until like two thousand and ten. Relax. Yeah, yeah, no, she roofies him and and rapes him and then he wanders away looking for B B. He crashes through a random door, it has B B in it. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. It's green. I know. It's the green room. Weird. It's actually a metaphor for freedom. But she's busy fucking dandy and she doesn't recognize him or whatever and tells him to go away and this scene is never explained. Yeah.

You know it's also never explained or cared about or any w no one cares that this happened, the rape scene. Like nobody cares. No, they gloss right. No effect on it. Not since 2010, I told you. That Randy or whatever whatever she is, she has been like converted to goodness by his Penis. Yeah. Oh, interesting. That's what happened. Actually came Adam's penis. Okay. They say they used to think that original sin lived in the balls, so maybe original unsin also Lives in his Right. Yeah, exactly.

It is interesting that there is an actual rape in this movie, and we were all like, Yeah, but he wouldn't grab Professor Sprout Stitz. No, that's still worse. That's still worse. Because especially'cause like that this was clearly part of the movie. That was I don't know what that was. Yeah. You think he improvised, right? I don't think he improvised it, but there's no conceivable reason for it. Like this is like okay, you're doing a movie thing where he got drugged out.

Seduction things. Yeah. I'm still scarred by that fucking scene. And also the other thing is is that like at the end of this Alfie, the guy who played Alfie didn't get seduced, right? Like the like the the chick actually got her tits grabbed for no goddamn reason. Oh yeah. Yeah. You don't know that. Pandy could've really fucked.

Well that's en it's entirely possible. So okay, so then اشتركوا في القناة No, it's a different movie. Totally different fucking mood. We're in Lord of the Rings and Gandalf wakes him up. Yes, Gandalf wakes him up at a home and he's in a fucking park Yeah, he's at it's like sleeping in the woods. We we've seen him in a fucking apartment, but no, he's sleeping in the fucking park. There's kids chanting at him for I guess he was crying out for BB in his sleep.

And what I love okay, this is where this broke my heart because in nineteen seventy nine when they made this, they thought, Okay, here's what it is it's hippies who are refugees from the rest of the world. And what sucks so hard is that in reality the hippies turned into fucking boomers and and ruined the world. They're the ones who did the ruining. But in the

movie thinks in nineteen ninety four there's gonna be a whole bunch of old people who are super cool and like, man, what happened? And it's like, no, they're just they all went directly against what they stood for. But have you had your taxes raised, Tom? Yeah, exactly. Right, yeah. So but there's this one moment here too that like just blows me away. So they pan over all of these hippies, right? He ta they take him to the secret hippie refuge spot.

And there's this guy at one point who's holding a baby. I put a picture of this in the fucking nose. Like he's holding a baby in his hand while he smokes a joint and he goes to pass the joint off to the next guy and just blows pot smoke all in his fucking baby. Mm-hmm. It is the mo like a again, right? Like, you know, it's it's really hard to decide what's the most uncomfortable part of this fucking movie. But I think blowing smoke in a baby's face is probably it for me.

And you say that as someone who is seventy percent smoke, like Yeah, exactly. Even time. Yeah, if you haven't seen no, he actually he doesn't walk he likes I love it. Yeah, floats around. And even he was offended. He's like, Guys, this is not cool. It's a baby. This is I've seen some Matrix S smoke escaping from the Lusions' to not blow it at my son. Yeah. Airbenders and their stuff. Yeah, no, right, right. Twist around him. Yeah.

So meanwhile at the Bim House, Shake shows up. He was the flamboyantly gay henchman of Mr. Bugolo. Yes. And he's wearing the least dick covering of anyone in the movie. Yeah. Right. This is Eli Bosnik would go, I don't know, I feel a little I've worn condoms that cover more of the Yes. I was like, Exactly. That's so funny. Joke I would never wear a Yeah. Condoms. They feel weird. You're fine. Ha ha ha.

But BB comes out, she's like, I don't know about this. I had a dream that Alfie was here last night and and Pandy is like, No, he was. I'm a good guy now that I raped your boyfriend. You should go to Alfie. Yeah. No. So that last night was supposed to be like a big sexy orgy and they're this scene is happening over post orgy breakfast. And I've been at post orgy breakfasts and can I say they are this awkward. Yeah, that seems about right.

bring clothes to wear the next morning so you're still in orgy outfit and you're like is everyone sharing an Uber like Everyone gets a good one. Weird Uber guy. And then there's also the one guy who's still confidently wearing the the thong is like fine with it. Right. Yeah, the warning. Relax, Craig. Tuesday now. Tuesday. I have work. Get off me. Yeah. So okay, so meanwhile, back at the park full of hippies, the cops show up to bust him. Why? No idea.

Yeah, I just i th and there's this great moment like everybody in the park gets up and runs away except Alfie who just keeps sitting there like, Why are you guys all running away? Yeah, they leave unattended campfires. Triggering for you, Eli, as like a recent victim of a fire in Yeah. Yes. Well I need it. Yeah, I needed Jerseyites to come and spend six days trying to put them out. Yeah. Somehow like make it bigger. You're thinking, Oh, did they know he was there?

And then everyone leaves but him, but then also nothing happens. You're like what the f was Right. Walk through. When everybody ran away. It's crazy. Do not have a mistake! She's it the cops means you run away and we are the cops. Well, you kinda deserve what you get. Why would we have the sirens running if we actually wanted to bust you? Also, did you see our shields are bid marks now? Confusing.

It doesn't really make a lot of sense because they're not functional they're less functional as triangles. It's really kinda dumb. Also, am I allowed to just carry this and not wear the sticker? That's interesting, can I put the sticker on the sheet? That counts double.

But then these intimidating cops have been walking around harassing everybody the whole time for not wearing the bin mark, they they they seem they're in like parks closed before seven AM and I'm like, Well, oh that's reasonable though. You have to have some raps about when you can engage. Can't use municipal property. You guys just light fires wherever you felt like Right in the You're gonna burn up like a third of Australia. Yeah.

So Pandy now is uh she's back at the house sneaking, trying to sneak past the guards. So she gets by one of'em, but then the other guy who is now shirtless and wrapped in chains, the one of the guys with the bore tusks. Oh, very leather daddy. I feel like it's weird if the bodyguards are also participating in the orgies. You know? Thank you. Fun boundary. Well but you do want'em dressed appropriately, otherwise they stand out and it looks weird.

Point. So they could but that's the good thing about bondage gears. Yeah. You could combine that. But it's functional as well. Oh interesting and your yeah. And you sub in like very specific ways, right? Because you're actually just serving So if you need security at your orgy, talk to Thomas. He's got ideas. Thomas Smith take the I commit. Yeah, I think it's a good thing.

So but Shake tells the guards to let her go because there's not much movie left. So she leaves. Yeah. And then Shake smacks the shit out of Pam. Yeah. Oh interesting. Yeah. And then she sings a sad song about being pandy Yeah. Big audition song. Yeah. The rain. She didn't want to do the anatomical description of sex song, but they were like, but girl, your ballad is coming up and no one is gonna remember.

Literally there are worse things I could do, like if you were whizzo and grease. That that's what this number is. Perfect. I was saying this is a eponine. In my notes, I call it her eponine moment. Yeah. Okay, yeah, there you go. I I know what that means. We're Doing Lay Miz next week, no illusion. Oh yes! We steal the podcast. Ha ha

There's also this moment where she's like heading out to find Alfie and it's like she's supposed to be the biggest celebrity in the fucking country, but nobody on the train recognizes her or whatever. Eventually though, she makes it to the uh Jewish landlady, right? Grabs her boobs. Yeah, right, right. Yeah. And he goes she goes, I hear he was hanging out under the bridge with

She says I I I feel like I hear he was hanging out under the bridge with all those hippies that are out there. I'm like, Heard that by now. Okay, I'll go to the bridge. Bridge the town's just got the one bridge. I want him to be at the wrong fucking bridge for the rest of the movie. What the fuck? Oh the rail bridge shit. And Dumbledore is there instead of gamble. Yeah, right. I'm also gay. Ha ha ha.

Oh, fun fact about that, I was reading when I was reading about Professor Sprout, she said about her filming, for one, she had a quote that everybody killed her over, which was like, Hey, it's been twenty five years. I don't think you you know, people should be over these books And then the the other thing was she was like, Yeah, I had an okay time. I hated that guy who died. That guy fucking sucked. So Richard Harris. Yeah. She was like Did not like that guy. Did not have a good time with him.

Yeah, I believe it. Speaking of Dumbledore, anyway, sorry. DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE COBBLE OF FU- So she she gets to the park under the bridge or whatever and the homeless Shakespearean hippie guy finds her. Right. Yeah. He says, I'll take your luggage. And she's like, Oh, okay, person I've never met, have my belongings. Yep. Translate. Yes, right. Yeah. I'm not gonna do that. I wish there was like a big Продолжение следует... Yeah. I remember.

When the embarrassing stuff in our luggage was sex stuff? The creams and ointment. Keep right, yeah. Eli's butt cream for poopin' yourself. Yeah. I had a time where it was like Coke and dildos and now I now it's like You keep shitting in your own mouth? Who's Dr. Hasbounds? Stop. It's big and green and looks exactly like what it is! At least. At least make the tube looks different than

You go to the moisturizers, they're all identical bottles. But fucking Preparation H comes in a fucking ornate vase shaped like my butthole specific. Oh Morgan, I did tell them about the trying to go quicker. Yeah. Alright, so then so he takes her to the to the homeless cave where all the homeless people live. Right. And she's like, Oh, this seems like an awful place to live and he goes, We're all hippies. We don't Yeah. Right? Do you want to be here or not? She's like.

Yeah. She's like, ooh, ooh, ooh. Yes. Oh I'm I'm gonna go back to Bim. Yeah, right. Right. But then the the the hippie guy goes, Well, you know, these people don't like television as though that would be the worst part about living in a cave, right? Other than the television, these people don't like having toilets. Yeah, I guess. These people don't like television. It was so funny. Like that's the thing that you pick out.

But it was, yeah. Right. So and then she says, You know, is Alfie here? He says, Yes, he's down in the bachelor's quarters Big fucking cave. Yeah. Jesus! Jesus! That's true. Drinks whatever you hand'em. And of course the hippie has a song at this point too, right? So he starts singing His song I guess we do a time jump in the middle of his song, so he's been singing this song for like a couple of years now. This guy's got this incredible Bye!

Right. I was like, Oh, we're gonna hear this guy sing and it's like, Oh, that sucks. This is always the part that like the orchestra teacher would get cast as, right? Like it'd be a high school musical, but then for some reason the orchestra teacher's husband would show up and the day of and be like Oh, yeah. How process this? So yeah, so but they're still singing this song now and all the hippies are hanging out the yar in the park and apparently like years have passed.

Alfie has a beard now. BB has a kid now. Yes. Yes. And then the song abruptly ends as we hear The sound of all of the cops, I guess, beating their shields with their clubs. And the but you can't see'em anywhere. It's like, Why is that part of it? Okay.

Right, right. But the thing is is that the shields are this cheap It's not part of a song they could have made it for. Absolutely. Why the fuck would you not have this as the rhythm to a It lasts a little too long, so you hear like the And the people about to get arrested are like, All right, fucking come on. What is it This hill was a little higher than we thought. Yeah.

So but they show up Mr. Bugalo and Shake show up at the head of the army or whatever. Mr. Bugalo is dressed as a gay vampire. Shake is dressed as an even gayer cobra. Yeah, he's been that the whole time. What are you talking about? No that's fair. I can't wait to talk about how this movie ends in the weirdest fucking way. Okay. Yeah, no that's true. What's going on? I'm a cobra. So it's straight people. So but then they but they're there.

B right? BB owes Bim ten million dollars and then I'm like, what? Yeah, but they're all under arrest apparently because she doesn't have ten million dollars for them. Yeah, so take all the hippies. And just as you're thinking, well, there's no way in hell this movie could possibly have a satisfying ending with only five minutes remaining Alfie turns to her and says, Don't worry, I know that mister Topps is coming. And you're like, fucking What? What the hell are you even talking about?

Or what is that? How do you know that? What does that mean? It's Donald Trump in a white tuxedo stepping out of a golden flying Bentley. Oh p a fucking f flying Rolls Royce in the sky. Boy, it is Donald Trump, Jesus Christ. Yeah, right, right. So yeah, so but he steps out and he's standing before him, and Bugolo says, Sergeant, arrest that man, but he can't because that Space Jesus. Jazzy hippie space Jesus makes him paralyzed. He's there for Alfie and PB because they're the good guys.

Where did he come from? Why do they know about him? What is this? It's never been introduced. What they could have had him be like the rival record producer this whole time or something. Something. Okay. So here's the thing. Originally the movie had a big song at the opening where Mr. Topps shows up and creates the world and all the animals and there were like puppets and costumes and all kinds of shit. Oh wow. It was a fucking disaster because they didn't have enough room

to do all of the camera movements that they wanted to do and all the dances and and and shit. So everybody's tripping over everybody and falling over. They get angry at each other and it's visible on camera. They're all angry I want that. Is that footage exactly?

I I don't know. I don't know. I read about it, but I wasn't able to find it in time for the record. But apparently, yeah, that was just a goddamn disaster, and so they scrapped it from Imagine how bad it had to be that it didn't make this Yeah. Into this movie where they were like, Well, that just looks unprofessional Uh to that I say okay Noah, I see that explanation. To that I say how would that make this make sense? Well, that's, yeah, you're right.

Why does he know about him and why doesn't he mention until this very moment, the end of the movie, when he goes, Don't worry, this guy you've never heard of will come. And he and he does, and it's the fucking rapture and all the hippies walk into the sky together. Yep. Yeah.

Yeah, and Mr. Boogaloo as they're leaving he goes, Where are you going? He's going, I'm gonna take them to a world. A world without you and I wrote, Oh, he's gonna try a world without Jewish music producers, just like Kanye. Oh that's good. He's like another planet? He's like maybe just wherever the fuck you aren't. Wait wait, I don't know. Well you go left, I'm gonna go fucking right.

And I I thought I wasn't sure if they're gonna go for some interesting metaphysical, like, you know, lost type whatever. Yeah, evil cat. Well I'm gonna make it fucking work without you. I'm gonna try. Why do this

It's the thing. It's I'm I was building the moment. All right. Well, Thomas, Lydia, normally this is where I would thank our guests for joining us, but I really feel like you guys should be thanking us in this on this occasion. So you are welcome for joining us. Yeah. This week. We're gonna go to matreon dot com and we're going to give you the check that Oh there you go. Yeah.

And of course, if you want to hear more from Thomas and Lydia, be sure to check out Where There's Woke. And if you want to hear more from Thomas, but not so much Lydia, be sure to check out Serious Inquiries Only and Opening Arguments, all of which we're going to have linked in the show notes. And in all seriousness, guys, thanks a ton for hanging out. It's always such a blast having you guys on. Yeah, this was oh man, this is the best.

Apologize for being physically attractive and still podcaster. Uh Yes. I just I just it just it took me two hours to realize you were insulting me. And well that's gonna do it for our review of the entire decade of the seventies, I guess. That's not gonna do it for the episode just yet. We still need to fill our gas tanks again next week. So Eli tell us what's on deck. Car wreck gives Pete amnesia. He becomes an evangelist with a preacher's help.

His new success leads his ex and her boyfriend to blackmail him over missing money. As his memory returns, Pete believes that he killed the other driver. We'll be watching The Seventh Commandment. Ever whatever you said was gonna be a letdown after this, I can't imagine it being more of a letdown, but yeah, what whatever. So with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode five fifty eight to a merciful close.

Once again a huge thanks to Lydia and Thomas and a reminder to check the show notes to hear more from them and an equally huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you make a pre-episode donation to patreon.com slash guide offline thereby earn ear access to an ad reversion of every episode.

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Comments or cinematic suggestions you can god off of movies at gmail.com. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media, our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Sloty of evil drafts on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Crook, and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a chug your life this week for Heath Enright, Neil Postig. I'm no loose. Promise to work hard to earn another chuck next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes. And let it end. Rule. Maybe? Look. Alfie took that dump truck of an ass with him and provided for his family. We're not gonna ask.

But he did. Wait, and I also have a second one because this is true life. This is real life, you guys. The actor who played dandy went on to open a seafood restaurant that ended up getting an intervention by Gordon. Yeah. And he opened a seafood restaurant because he didn't like fish and so I think he was trying

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