551: Melania - Live from San Francisco!

Her husband has to get to work, uh ruining the world. Ha ha ha ha ha. She explains that this day was quote reach with meaning. Reach with me. She says uh being awake for twenty two hours straight felt like nothing is because of the infusion we get of Baron's blood every morning. Can I keep my blood tomorrow? Awful. Welcome to God Awful Movies live from San Francisco Hell yeah. Thank you. THANK YOU!

This is of course the podcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema, except when we find something even worse. And we did. I'm your host, no illusions, but I'm not alone. Please welcome to the stage my good friend Heath Enright. Lovely. Hello into the microphone. All right. San Francisco, this is this is so nice. This is wet. Much nicer than our show. It's a we're in like a history museum. It says like Rembrandt. In the marble on the right.

It's got that U as a V. Yeah. way out of us. And also joining us tonight, put your hands together for our special guest mascist, host of the Talk Nerdy podcast, and person who will definitely want to be sitting down when Eli takes the stage. Please welcome Kara! Santa Maria! Howdy. The wrong show. Howdy. Amen. We're gonna make her sit by Eli. And last but not least, I'm gonna ask you to put your hands together one more time for my bad friend Eli Bosni.

Um Listeners at home, uh Eli, I'm just gonna say Eli is dressed as the Golden Gate Bridge and that's all you need to know, listeners at home. I will be doing this voice for the entirety of the podcast. Well we discussed this. I'm not Eli, I'm Melania dressed as Eli. These are his Chenna Nuggets. I mean honestly I could see her wearing those glasses, right? glasses and she talked to her servants, she said, Hello Okay. Thank you.

I have to tell you guys the original plan was to have him come in out with the jacket with the I don't care to you on it except spelled phonetically, right? Like I won't care to you. Um but we thought that you guys really wouldn't feel like you were getting your money's worth. Yeah. If you didn't see his butt cheeks. So you're welcome.

All right. Eli will be back in just one second, but I suppose we can ask while we're waiting for him. Heath, tell us what will we be breaking down today? We watch Ivanka. Nope. No. Faride and slip. Did I just laugh? What is this? I don't think I've ever laughed before. Babe, have I ever laughed? Hey Heath, what do we break down today? Melania. Yeah, yeah. It's the story of I can't not hear Yep. Whenever Mala how many people watch this?

Okay, could you not you had to hear Eli for an hour and forty minutes, right? That was like she's the narrator. He's the narrator. No, we should we should release like a separate soundtrack where you just do all of the stuff as Melania that you can listen to over top of Did you guys watch this on purpose? Did you did you choose to watch it before the show? Okay, okay. Yeah. Yeah, oh wow, you yeah, your opinion of our le uh audience was gonna go way down if they'd answered that wrong.

What's amazing is this movie did so badly that when you all watch this movie, Brett Radner like did a celebratory line and he was like, I knew it was gonna pick up HAHA! I knew that the audience they just couldn't make it to the theater, right? Like when I pitched that Ninja Turtle script, but then I got me to middle of it, so they made an animated movie instead, but no, it's all coming together. Everything's coming up, Rat! Do you guys think he'll kill himself before twenty thirty? All right.

I don't think he's gonna do it the brave way, but I think he's gonna do it with drugs. lost control twice now already. He's gonna hang himself in it. No, like the print. How bad was this movie? If true, I've always wondered how Miss Hitler was going to wear at the party if they had made it out of the bunker. Sure will love this movie. And is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Oh I'm gonna go with best worst. We watched Yes.

But like a reboot with a modern twist. Fantastic. It's a hundred minutes of watching Averbronn pick out like the right fabric for the armbands. But like for now. I feel like Adolf Hitler would be like nah babe we could That this is I'm not buying Bad taste. Yeah, I'm gonna go with best worst voiceover. Sure. It so it's different when she's talking on camera than when she's reading the things that I think she thinks are profound. Yes! Yes!

But what it sounds like is that as a gift, somebody gave her one of those like refrigerator magnet poetry You know? But it was like Murraca themed. And so she's always just like freedom and unity, compassion, liberty, lawmakers, ceremony, America, America. America. Oh, and it's just the most banal shit. All right, and of course I to I I watched the movie first, so I got to jump in here and take the easy one. I went with Best Worst Bribe.

Of course, Amazon paid forty million dollars for the rights to make this movie, and then another thirty-five million promoting it to make what was it, the fifteen million dollars they made back or whatever ridiculous amount was. So not only did pay seventy five million dollars for this bride, but it ended up giving the opposite effect that they wanted because they just made Melania look stupid and Trump look bad with it.

So they actually got less than zero dollars worth for the seventy five million and I loved that for them so goddamn much. That's like Pete Heggseth. He lost. He lost. Yes. He controls our military. He bet on what we would do. He lost money. It's like it's like bankrupting a casino, isn't it? Right, right. Works. Where's Brett? Brett said his guy was coming. Oh my kids are here.

All right, I'm gonna go with best worst glamour. Now, look, there are educated members of tonight's panel of judges who will tell us whether or not the dresses and hats that she's wearing are nice. I don't know. I don't know about nice things. The basketball shorts I'm wearing right now are the ones I wear every single day. They're the ones. But what I do know is this.

Nothing nice touches Melania, right? Every moment of this movie is her being like, I think it is Mark Goal. And then someone who has sold their soul to the devil goes. What did she fucking say? Oh yeah. It's like you ever see kids at that bibbity bobbity boutique where they give'em a princess makeover? That's her whole life is just being at Disney World while someone pretends to cut her hair. Yeah. Oh, you're gonna look just like Ariel when we're done. Guys Arian. All right. My favorite.

My mom died That's what the movie's about. Ha ha ha. Fuck, do I forget to say her name in the movie? She totally does. Well, we're about to share an awful lot of trauma with you, so we're gonna give you a minute to brace yourself, but we're gonna be back in a flash with all the banalities over Disney. He roll that is Melania.

And then I said, How about a croissant and battery? Well of course you they Hey guys. Hey Guyler, you heard that someone told Sarah to leave a bakery? Yeah, I did. I'm I'm sorry. I'd barely been there two hours. Barely two hours. Two hours, girl, that's like a snack for just a snack, exactly. Thank you. Well, look, Sarah, if you're tired of getting kicked out of restaurants for your morally reprehensible beliefs, you should try Green Shell. Do you want a point? Yes, yes I do. Thank you.

With Green Chef, every week you get over forty recipes made with organic produce and responsibly sourced proteins. Meals come pre-portioned and ready in minutes. And if you want guidance beyond the plate, they include free unlimited one-on-one nutrition coaching that helps you stay on track. The last nutrition coach killed himself. Oh yeah, that's right, he did. I remember him. He has stabbed his eyes out with his fingers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Kyler, have you actually tried?

I sure have. Green Chef sent me a box when they first became a sponsor. I love how I can eat a great nutritious meal without breaking the bank or my back. Break their backs at that croissanty. Hey, baby. What do we always say? That that's not the hole that goes in. No, no, he's no breaking backs no more. All right. So okay. Where do I sign up for Green Chef?

Head to GreenChef.com slash fifty awful and use the code fifty awful to get fifty percent off your first month, then twenty percent off for the next two months. That's the code fifty awful at greenchef dot com slash fifty awful. Alright, the hooler. Thanks. You wanna see if they left the dumpster unlocked behind Long John Silvers? Yeah. Yeah, TIE Fighter. I really do. All right, race you to the car. Should give the manager 20 bucks to leave it open again? Yeah. Fifty this time, but yeah.

Worth it.

Jin twenty days I go from an ordinary citizen to the first lady of the United States. Sorry, Mrs. Trump. God damn it caught. Tyler, you're killing me, bro. Sorry, Sarah, what are you and the first lady doing? We are recording the intro to the movie Donald Gummy. So I'm sorry, he got you a movie? After you explained to me what the listing files are, I was so mad. So I said, Donald, you better make me a movie. So they're making me a movie. Horrifying. So I so what is it about?

It's about her transforming from a citizen into the first lady. So like back in twenty sixteen? No, no, last year. Yeah, okay, but she was already the first lady last year. What? Yes, she was. She don't go back to being an ordinary citizen. She's like she's always a like a former first lady. Okay, but that doesn't sound as good, Jailer. Farmer first lady to first lady. That's not catchy. You don't have to contextualize it at all.

Look, Tyler, I don't get to pick nothing, okay? I pick a Christmas tree like ten years ago and nobody ever let me forgive it. They were bleeding! Christmas bleeding. So when I find out that Donald Riley playing without me, he make a movie and I want it to be about when I become first lady. A Jane. Okay? Wait, sorry. The part of the Epstein files that bothered you is That he rode in a plane without you? For the last time, those are headphones.

Well I like to eat them. I like the Christmas trees. I just I liked them. Sure, you got to get the blood. I did. Nancy. We're back for the breakdown and we're gonna open up on the MGM Lion. Looking ashamed to be there. Wishing he could get the redacted bars, you know, over his eyes or something. And for some reason they zoom in on the M GM logo which is Latin for Woohoo! Don't you mean it this week? This is a Brett Ratner film that's art quay art.

We got six production logos'cause everybody wanted it on this bribe early, I guess. But weren't you surprised that Trump doesn't have his own production company? Right. Like there was no tree. Yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah. So we open on a beach. Said B I'm not just making fun of her accent. And we pan up from that when we see Mar-a-Lago, because just looking at it on video doesn't violate Eli's restraining order.

Right. Okay. Let's admit that the nicest drone shot they could possibly get of Mar-a-Lago still looks like an afterlife you would be sentenced to for robbing the elderly. Right. Right. What if the golf course was the building? Am I right? Did it have a lighthouse? It appeared to have a lighthouse. Yep. Wow. It has a lighthouse and i it has a green that just leads directly into the building. I I assume so Trump could just start driving on it immediately first. thing in the morning.

Start doing donuts. Oh, God, so... Fully thirty percent of this movie will be like a close up of her heels stepping out of something. Right. And that noise you heard, that was Brett Ratner just oh just out of frame being like Oh no! It's a good amount of the right. Really is, yeah. So she's being ferried from Mar a Lago to a waiting plane and and another like thirty percent of it is her feet, another thirty percent of it is her being ferried from one event to another.

But to get into this chat that just screams, if someone was gonna compare my dick to a Mario Kart character, it wouldn't be one of the big ones you can push a motherfucker off the track with. Or that's what it screamed to me anyway, I don't know. It's an acceleration. Ha ha ha I don't have great top speed, but I have good acceleration. Ha ha ha Oh sorry care to go Mario Kart deep cuts on you this early.

It's okay. I kinda understand those at least. All right. That's like that's from my childhood. Uh what I didn't like this early in the film is that they used a lot of Shall we say good music? Legitimate music Yes, yeah. Mainstream music. So and personally I don't love the Rolling Stones, sorry, I don't, but the audacity of using a quintessential anti war anthem To introduce the wife of a fucking war criminal? Yes! Intense.

Well, this actually was the warning he gave us about Iran, it turns out. This is a it says in the lyrics, War Children is just a shot away, and that's what he he was actually talking about. Yeah and how many times because of course I watch this with the subtitles, I always watch these films with the subtitles, Rape, Murder, it's just a shot away. Over and over while she's walking with those Exactly. There's almost skin on top of her cheekbone. Right.

You can really tell the surgeon when Ah It's just a little too thin, huh? We see the Trump Bobbleheads on the airplane, the the like the Terminator Trump bobblehead they have there? I just wanna take a moment because truly, if you haven't watched this movie, watch along. Everyone associated with the Trump administration is the saddest, most pathetic version, right? Like the The stewardesses look kinda like dumpy and lost. Their pilot is ninety for some reason. He's just like

They said I had to retire, but I guess not for the president. Okie dokie, I still can't believe it works after all these years. Up in the sky like Jesus. Oh I'm not sure what you're doing. Yeah. Fighting. Camilla. Could have been different. Kamama Laila. Big Eddy Mammal, you gotta vote for her. She's great. What's her name? So then we get uh we so we get the beginning of the Melania voiceover for the movie, right? This is the first time we hear that. That was jarring. And it's because

Personally, it was just Eli's already smiling. Eli wakes me up like this, like an inch from my face, doing the Melania voice. Hello, Eve. It's time to wake up and have some pancakes. Thanks. Here's the thing, right? And I forget this until I hear her voice. My impersonation fucking rocks. I don't know. But like sometimes I'll be like, Oh, is this problematic? And then I hear a voice and I'm like, No, I'm a genius I'm a mind of my time. If anything, I go easy on her. Her voice

Is the funniest thing anyone's ever done. When her regime is brought down and her husband is hung at Nuremberg, she should consider reading the phone book for stand up comedy. Adama Smith Sold out shows like Dave Chappelle. And probably transphobic as well. Yeah. So then so Melania invites us, she c she voiceovers to invite us to spend twenty days watching her life as she transitions to first lady or whatever. She goes the very first line of her of her VO, she goes, everyone's to know.

And I'm like, well not according to the fucking box office receipts they didn't. Nobody gave a shit. I actually when I told some friends of mine that I was being forced against my will to watch this movie, one of my friends said that he was reading an article that said in the few screens where they actually did show this movie before maybe or at the same time as it went to Amazon.

There were reviewers that went to watch it and they were trying to write up their reviews and they wanted to interview audience members and get their reactions and they couldn't find any because it was only other reviewers. Just a bunch of having meat cute's just fuck goddamn it Amazing. Their audience was actually crisis actors. Right? They do that. Shit, she's hires. She talks about she's like, you know, I am I spend a lot of time doing my family and my business.

I'm like, no, you fucking don't. And she says, and my philanthropy. And I'm like, okay, I'm not buying your philanthropy shit unless you're feeding him glass slowly, like it. So you have a chance to do some fucking philanthropy here. Also feed them a little faster. Yeah, right, right. Just don't hold his hand on any of the 900 staircases we're gonna watch in this movie. Right. The overarching theme is that Milan. That's it. He'll make such great noises on the way down.

아 으 으 으 으 으 으 으 으 으 Best noise. Yeah. Those are the noises Eli makes when he orgasms as well. Like, that's... No, I wake him up. No, so she gets off the plane. We're five minutes into the movie, she's just been delivered around by other people like a fucking Amazon package up to this point.

And d we get a yet another close up on her shoes stepping out of the plane. This is the first of many times where we see her in a dimly lit indoor room wearing thick sunglasses. Fucking things. Right? Like dark sunglasses. But she's walking through the hallway into their fucking hilariously self-spoofingly gaudy door into the d I guess this is Trump Tower residence. Yeah. But they always go through. I guess in rich people houses

To get to the front door, you go through like the kitchen entrance. Right. Do you notice that? They're always like in these back hallways. Yeah. And then they get to the golden doors. Yeah. them put bullshit MAGA Trump stuff in like a poster of him? Yes. Like at a blockbuster when a movie Blockbuster used to have movies. Okay. Okay, blockbuster was okay. Movies You're stupid. They were physical objects and sometimes.

Broke shit. Fuck. Um think we lost them. Physical objects were they were like gas prices manifest. I don't fucking know. So then we so we get our title, Melania. Yes, we've only gotten as far as the fucking title so far. Oh yeah, they're still showing Brett Ratner's name at this point. We're five minutes. Yes, right. Oh this is when she goes Wheat des Philum. Here we all have the Philum spelled F E E L U M in our notes somewhere. I checked. Every one of us wrote Philum right there. What? Film!

Feel'em we disfil'em. So she gets two she gets two syllables out of film. Her bestest warmth was she gets three syllables out of war. Um So

So anyway, so, so... We get her like she says with her philum she wants to show Americans her journey from fucking high end sex worker to fascist punchline. She tells us Yeah, right. So she tells us that because she goes, You know, I wake up every day with purpose and I'm like, Really? You would have never fucking guessed from what you've accomplished with your life.

We see her um so the first action she's really gonna take in this movie other than being transported from place to place is she's gonna go and see her designer about her inauguration outfit. Mm-hmm. Right. So we see like people carrying her clothes behind her like a goddamn Disney villain. Right. I wrote in my notes, Oh, I've seen this one, they make a jacket out of Dalmatians in it. Yeah. And I think that's the Christy Gnome biop. We're gonna get we'll get one.

We'll get one. She's not doing anything now. What they're trying to sell, right, because Melania was a model, is they're trying to sell this idea that she knows a lot about fashion. And the way they do that is her first observation is to hold a piece of fabric and go, this is black fabric, is this correct? And everyone in the room who is not a good actor goes Yeah. Boot Oh fabric. Yep. It is.

I love fashion And then she holds up another piece of fabric and says, This is navy, this is lighter than black. Yeah. Guys. Sure is. Guys. First lady. Her main little LeFou, the little French guy, he's pretty good at selling it, but he has an Asian associate. And this girl has no fucking chill. She's the star of the movie, cause every shot she's just like. She just I our notes are filled with pictures of this woman'cause she's everything I want and more.

So she won't get the fitting and she w And she walks out of the room and we can watch everybody physically pull the words what a Back out of the air and put him in her mouth. It's amazing. They're like, fucking cameras on. Uh uh. They made a lot of choices in this film to leave things out that I wouldn't have or to leave things out. But I wouldn't have left in if I uh had full creative control. Where they show her like starting to sing and getting it wrong and they're like, No, no, no start.

And then she does it right. Yeah, yeah. Well what happened is obviously the Trumps were watching this and she was like, No, wait, Bre shall we show the scene where everybody sighs a big sigh when I leave the room? Trump was like, Oh no, that's fine, people do that when I leave the room every It's cause the respect is leaking out of their body, how much respect they had for you. Sort of a respect it's a a respect anus and it releases itself. Tyler told me all about it. Use the puppet pals.

So she at this point she explains to us and this is sort of the theme of the movie or the the the pacing I guess of the movie. She explains that there are four different events, different celebrations that she has to prepare for. for the inauguration. She is going to have to I know this is some hard work, but she's going to have to exist at four different places in the span of two days. Ha ha ha ha ha.

This is the first time I wrote in my notes, wow, Eli's not being cruel enough with his impersonation of her accent. You beat me to it. This is also where she's like, you know, my education in architecture makes me really good at party planning. Is she an architect? Of course not. What a crazy easy to google live. No, of course not! I wrote in my note. She was an architect. Girl, before you have fallen. Yes. She's fallen so far. Right. But never was she never studied.

Evidence anywhere on the internet full of lies. Why? They haven't even made up that line yet, yeah. My favorite is when she's gonna speak French. Speak French. We're gonna get there. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So but the other thing is too is that like That doesn't even follow, right? Like like if you're gonna make up a fucking lie, make up a relevant lie. Architects aren't good at party planning. Or I mean I guess they could be, but there's not a reason why they wouldn't.

Hold up the building that we have the party in real good. Yeah, there's a roof and everything. You gotta have a groove. But say but the other thing too that we have to like emphasize here, she's like, you know, I'm good at having a good vision for the party and blah blah blah'cause of my architecture. And but she's not planning the fucking party. She's just bothering the guy who is. Okay. Donald James Parker. Fuck yeah. The event planner, right? You saw that.

Gay Donald James Parker. Yes. Gay Donald James Parker. It's it is kind of fucked up that there's this gay guy and she's and he's just like like helping her take his rights from him. No, yeah. This gay guy, she's surrounded by gays in this. Her entire like menagerie, she has a menagerie of gays. And you can tell she loves them, but like the I feel like the cognitive dissonance with these men must be very, very strong.

Yeah, you gotta figure so she explains to us at this point that she demands quote timeless elegance. And I'm like, you mean like the time you put KKK hoods on Christmas trees? Those were for Christmas. The last child to be called is sacrificed to the Grinkle Gracker. It's fun. It's like nothing from Slovenia can be part of anything anymore. When my mother died She said to me, oh no, let go, let go, my bones. Okay. So now uh David the uh party planner is gonna show her the invitations, right?

We get the big invitation. I I have to just power through sometimes guys. You're gonna have to just Okay, but Look To grickle grackle. I'm look, I'm a stupid person and I've been there when smart people pretend that I'm part of the decision-making process too. Yes!

Yes, right. And it's like well surely someone's seen it before because someone put the goddamn thing in the envelope, but she's too So Oh and there's the moment where she where he goes he goes, remember we said look we here we got the tableclaws and they're red because remember you said you liked red? What's the Yeah. This is all my work as a brain surgeon. I remember saying Tablecloth. Guys, it's amazing this didn't do better in theater.

Well this is the part too where they talk about what they're gonna serve at this dinner. Yes. Do you guys remember the first thing that people are going to eat at this dinner? Golden egg? Yeah. She she goes she goes, Well, you know, for this dinner the theme, the color palette is white and gold'cause we're gonna make a lot of white people rich. Um And then she goes she she goes he goes, Yeah, they'll start off with a gold egg full of caviar and I'm like If I was making this shit up.

Right, if I was just trying to make fun of the gaudy fucking shit that Donald Trump would serve his fucking donors, I would say a gold egg filled with caveat. With with the Bitcoin logo on it. Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha. Or the Melania coin. The Melania coin's down from two dollars to eleven cents, I think, network. Yeah. Oh yeah. Amen. Said too loud? I didn't I didn't buy any.

I also I love this moment too, right? There's this moment where she's about to leave the party planners and she says, Yeah, it's on next Friday and and every and like everybody's like, Well not Fucking next Friday. It'd be the Friday. It's the Friday. It's not. What the fuck are you even talking about? But they can't tell her that. So they're like, Yep, thirteen days from now it'll be. Just like you said.

Hey, if Noah left me getting days that wrong in our podcast, we would have a fist fight. Yes. It's a three minute sequence of him being like, Yeah, next next Next. Well, sorry, sorry, I mean I fucked that. She says it's this Friday. And it's two weeks away. And he's like, No, next Friday. And she goes, No, it's this Friday. And he goes, Yes, it sure is this Friday. This Friday And then it's next weekend, but in between this weekend. Ha ha ha

And this man, can we say, in a hell of his own making, right? Yes. Yeah! Because he could have said, Oh, that job? No thanks. Yep. Living instead. Ha ha ha. I'll gargle the cum of random people on the seaside, right? He could have done anything, so instead he's going, yeah. You know, this Friday next

So then we we go we go to this other meeting with this woman, Tham, who is organizing a different event. Damn. Poor Tham. Felt bad. Thank you. Okay. Here's the thing. At this point there are a lot of shall we say immigrants surrounding the first Sam is a hundred percent in an ICE detention camp, right? Yeah, one of the gulags. It is strange how many people they choose to spend time with who are directly contradictory to their policy. 감사합니다.

Wha what is that? Is it that they're like, oh but they're the exception? Well i I think that's exactly it, right? Like the you the people that you know it's a completely different universe and you don't associate them with other people in any way. You know, that the the evil other doesn't get You know it's like it's like it's like when uh the racist has a friend that's black and doesn't conform to any of the fucking stereotypes, they assume that that's the exception to the stereotype.

Yeah. Well no. When I said immigrant, I meant Asian. That's there's a lot of Asian immigrants. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we're gonna find your mom any second, Ms. The white face is a is cocaine though. Okay, but there's a moment in like twenty twenty not three's boat. There's a moment in 2029. They leave the White House. Let's assume they leave the White House. I like that. Yes, manifest this. They're leaving. We're manifesting, let's not wait until twenty fucking twenty nine. This is a good point.

Seven forty seven. How about Pacific time? But Melania walks out and ice gets her right away. Let's go. Whoever's in charge next. Ha ha ha. Oh I love it. Protesters outside the White House being like, let him come. Okay, abolish ice eventually. We didn't say when Yeah. Starting now. Yeah. Drag her out to the fair. Ha ha ha! Can't wear heels. Yeah. So yeah, so she explains all the great shit that she did with the with her first term as first lady. She explains how she restored

The Rose Garden. You know the way that like we restored democracy in South American countries? Mm-hmm. She's like, you know, I changed a lot of shit in the White House. I'm like, Yeah, you wasted taxpayer money on extravagances instead of improving literally anyone's life in any fucking way. Yeah, we know this.

But you know I so I went down a rabbit hole about this because I was like, Wait, what did she change? And then there of course there are hundreds of articles about all the fucking gaudy shit she put into the White House. So you know whose vision I want? Jill B. Biden. Cause Jill had to walk in after twenty sixteen and try to she was just like, All right, time to be the pre Oh Yeah, there's there's a lot of blood stuff in here.

Why is Sarah Huckabee Sanders eating a bucket of chicken under the piano? I got kicked out of the croissant region! Yeah. The first month she's just walking out of every room. That one's gold too. That one's fucking gold too. comfortable chair and read a book. Jesus. She explains though apparently that they have to they have to pick out all of their new White House shit because they can't use the gross shit that the Bidens used or that they used last time.

And she explains what a challenge that is apparently because they only have like five hours to swap out all the furniture. Why do they do this? I don't know why they put a ticking clock on that. Five hours to do the entire switcheroo. That's a big fucking house to try to do in five hours. Feels like a union thing, right? Feels like some Ayahtzee guy is going, nah, look, I looked at the contract and we can only do the thirty-five Between you. From Washington Square down to the house.

He's the only guy who gets to change the plugs. Isn't that right, Joey? So there's a great moment here too. There's a great moment here too where where Tham, who's planning this party or whatever, she starts doing like her explanation of her parents first moving to America and her living the immigrant dream. Nobody cares I want gold seal on the

Oh my god. So Melania right in the middle of it just cuts her off and she's like, Yeah, yeah, whatever, immigration immigrant. Do you wanna put we wanna put a seal on this glass right here? It's amazing. It's amazing that that made it into the fucking movie. Thank you. So then okay, so then we have to go to uh meet her designer hervey to see how the dress is coming along. This is the redacted dress.

This is her Lefu. Yeah, we get a little LeFus backstory here. He's like, I worked for all these famous dressmakers and Now now I make dresses for Melania Trump. So yes, I guess you could say I'm in danger of self harm. Pretty much all the time. The voice is very clear. It's very clear. Ha ha ha ha! So this is I have a plan I have a plan Yeah. What if I get brave in this room of my house? Eli, I'm a mandated reporter. You can't talk like this to me right here.

You're talking about leafou, not me. This is lefu. That's lefu. So listener, if I explain what's going on now, she actually does have to report it, so I'm not gonna tell ya. Um So we had a bit of an argument about this a backstage about this dress. Then now you might remember this dress that she has that has it looks like somebody was designing it and then Trump came through with his Sharpie and went, Well what why not why not this? Oh this is the with the crazy black. I loved it.

This looks good, right? Her fashion is like on point. Like the whole Exactly. That's awesome. Like like Emperor Zod was about to show up with a big rubber cock and I was gonna watch Listen So now this is the second protract well regardless of what you think of the fashion here, this is the second protracted dress fitting scene in the film. Eli made a really good point about this in the notes that I was hoping you'd share. Yeah. And imagine they were making a movie about Michelle Obama.

And in the first five minutes there were three dress fittings. It would be insanely insulting. Think of any other first lady in history who they would try try to build up on purpose by being like And then she wore another hat. Clear. That's their Yeah. And this isn't the first five minutes. We're like thirty minutes. Yeah. This is all that. She had a fitting. Yep. She talked about a party. Yep. She talked about golden furniture. Yeah. Time for the next fit out. Another fitting.

It's a whole movie so far. Can we talk about it's your eight year anniversary?

The the funniest journey to me in this entire movie is whoever I don't know if it's Brett Ratner or whoever it is off screen. Yeah. If yeah, Epstein filed. Yeah. Yeah, right, right, right. No, yeah, yeah. No, in a bad way. So but somebody is off screen several times desperately trying to humanize this absolute robot lich of a fucking human being. You know? And so they just kinda I said lich, it's okay.

Um but he's g he so he's constantly going like, you know, like do you like music? And at this point he goes, Now that today's the eighth anniversary of when you met this dressmaker guy, huh? And he goes, Oh God, has it been eight years? Ha ha ha. You know you can like rob a bank and get less than eight years if it And you'd have the money from me. Tudo bem. Why did I think no one would know? Put my name on it!

But she she tries to play this off because again, truly, just the whole movie is like, fucking smile. She's standing there with her vee, who she doesn't know is solid, right? And she goes, Jess. Eight years are the words he just said. And it has been a good time. And you hear Brett Ratner be like, don't say tie. Time. There's been a good time the whole time.

Oh God. It was so hard for like when I went through this movie and like we we write little cues of like here's the line where this s movie starts. It was so hard for me not to write them phonetically when she started off. So I did. But it but the the end result of it is I have no fucking idea. I'm looking at my writing, I'm like, what the fuck was this? I don't know. Being the first lady means managing Okay, nope, managing many obligations. Obligations.

This is where she says it's her job to oversee the White House operation. And I was like, no she doesn't, but I really, really wish she did. No, no, I know Herve. Together. together as then people will know your speed is glue And that's how they catch you. All right. So then oh God, we're gonna we're gonna go so over time on this.

Yeah. So she's like, you know, I I I look over I she actually says at this point, you know, I s oversee the entire White House operations starting with the East Wing. I'm like, You're nailing it Jesus. She wears many hats though. That's what we're learning here. Much like a tune. Much like a children. List some of them, and this is literally what she says. You know, I have a lot of roles. She says, mother, daughter, mother. Why? Friend That's all.

she can come up with that's true of anyone with kids, right? God. But don't oh and then there's this part where she's like interviewing potential chiefs of staff or for what whatever the hell the term is for her like main assistant or whatever. And then she's like, you know, we had a lot of candidates, but then they only showed two getting interviewed. And they both get the job.

Right. Well yeah. So but I my my question is is did they not get a lot of uh like interview applicants or did they not get a lot of interview applicants that agreed to be in a room with Brett Ratt? Right. Right? Yeah. Two separate uh propositions there. So then okay. So then oh god, I love this scene so fucking much. Talk about scenes that why the fuck would they leave this in the movie? This is the scene where Donald calls her. This is the best. This is about... It's so good.

And he's like, Did you watch me get certified to become president? Right? That's the moment And she goes, I did not. Yeah. I sure didn't. And then he goes and then he goes, You should really watch it. And he she goes, I'll see the highlights on the news. Ha ha ha ha. She really does Ian! Ha ha ha. Because they get caught inside and then it starts to bleed Do you think they like each other? No! I think he likes her a little bit Thank you.

Conceptually. Yeah. Like they cannot fake chemistry for the duration of a fucking eighteen second phone call in this documentary. What do you think her conception is of him? Like how does she see Donald Trump? Yeah. Ching ching. Yeah. I feel like if I may, I feel like it's if you agreed to be on our podcast and then thirty years later you woke up next to me. and I was... President of the United

Cause keep in mind, like look, credit to Melania, right? She was like, I fuck with this rich guy and they let me fly on their jet. And now he's like, we're going to war with Iran. And she was like, this was not the job. I jerk off of that little mind. What that means? I thought Hãy đăng ký kênh để ủng hộ kênh của mình nhé. I like Sarah Sakovi handers, that's good. She kinda she kinda seems a bit like she feels sorry for him. Okay.

And then he's like, You should really watch it, it's very important. She's like, Okay, yes, you're very important. You know, like that's her tone every time she Orlando at the bar was like, I have a podcast. Do you want to check it out? Her husband just became president again, and that's her tone. That's a turn. Yes, you are very important. Big winner. Big winner.

Yes, we'll put it on the refrigerator. She goes he goes, it was a landslide, nothing like this has ever happened before. I checked it was the forty fourth best margin of victory out of sixty presidential elections. Well, I mean, it was the first time that they had a transition of power without a violent mob entire decade. That's a good point. Because you're cowards. All right.

Well I'll tell you what, we've earned a hell of a lot more than a break, so and that's all we're gonna take. But we'll be back in a minute with even more of Melania Live from San Francisco. What?

Uh m Mr. Ratner? Sorry. Hey Tigler. Tigler, right? That's your name? It's Tyler. Cool. It wasn't a name that you got, but look, I I I I wanted to talk to you about some of the scenes in the Melania movie. amazing, right? Amazed at parts of it. Um but like like you show a lot of uh right, but you show a lot of Melania like Just waiting for things to happen. Yep. Traveling to events that she just she's just attending. You're in a... Stop.

Right. Okay, but don't you want to cover some of her like charitable work? Like, yeah, I mean, first ladies usually too Usually do some of that stuff. Melania does not. No. Really? Yeah, yeah. R remarkably inactive as a first lady. Just kind of shows up to parties. That's about it. Okay, but what about B Best? That was like two videos, man. She did nothing. Like nothing. Well then I guess this movie is fine. Tyle? Tyler.

Do you know where I could get like uh you know a little Yeah, just ask Pete or Cash. He's well he's Indian. Whatever, man. Ya, he says that too. And we're back! And We're we're gonna spend about the next uh ten minutes or so of the documentary trying to make the death of Jimmy Carter about Melania. Trying to do it. Well yeah, do it. Yeah, right, right. So the it is like a terrifying reminder that presidents can live to be a hundred Yeah, right.

We're all trying to have a good night with the Grickle Grackle, okay? That guy left because of that shit. Hey, he's not gonna live He's got the thing on his hand and it's gr oh he's gone. Doctors aren't that good. This guy's going to lose it up. Okay. They have a word line, right? Yeah. I gotta go quick before we lose the whole goddamn audience. Okay. So there's okay, so she she says that Jimmy Carter died, but then she says he Come on Oh come on. You did that!

I can't describe it's an audio I can't describe how that man just left our And you gotta fucking chase him down and like Bing and then Bing and then you get it back and you're like fucking witcher shit, god damn. That's how he like he's the like all my notes are gonna be gone and I have to hunt him down. So yeah, so Melania explains that that Jimmy Carter died. She says he quote passed away unexpectedly. Yeah. He was a hundred years old and had been in hospice for like three weeks.

I guess it was oh right, yeah, no it was yeah, it was a l lot longer than that. Yeah, so it it I I was like it was it unexpected like the closing of the Strait of Hormuz was unexpected? Is it was it that kind of unexpected? Well it was unexpected in that this part of the movie was supposed to be about the fact that her mom died. Well don't worry, Eli. Jesus Christ, she's go she goes, you know, I am very sad for him to die because my mother also has died.

And that's like double the death Ha ha ha ha. Ha And oh can't be my mom. Oh can't be Jimmy Carter. I wrote my note so I'm like she's so shitty, I'm glad her mom died. I feel good about having written that, honestly. See, they're going to the funeral, she goes, Yes, today we will meet with the Jimmy Carter family and I'm like, Oh, that's worse than losing grandpa right there. Fuck.

Is it just just because he's president now or he's about to be, like he automatically has to be invited? Because you know they didn't want to. I'm surprised he didn't have a rider in his like funeral like is he's like you don't get any money if you let that asshole come to my fucking Me out with the trash. I don't put just not don't bring them near my kids. Is that is that your Jimmy Carter? Yeah. Where's the guy with the clipboard at the funeral being like Mm. Donald What?

So but I also want to point out that this is the first when they go to the funeral, this is the first time that Donald shows up in this movie. We're in the we're we're we're already in like past the second interstitial. Don Lessard showed up it it took someone dying for him to cameo in her documentary. You bring it back Eli's notes. Bring back my gold! So we're slowly getting them back. That was excellent. That was a pretty good walk back in.

It was. It was a saunter. I also I I I think people who haven't seen the movie need to understand that this is the beginning of a good chunk like maybe a fourth of the film is dedicated to us. Like we're supposed to feel sorry for Melania that her elderly mother has died, right? Which which I mean it happened. Seventy two year old guy. It will happen. happen to to all of us, but she literally co-opts.

Jimmy Carter. It's not just like, oh, and now we're going to Jimmy Carter's funeral and then we never hear his name again. And they're playing funeral derges and she's crying about her mom and lighting candles for her mom. And they they superimpose it like we're supposed to forget. Yes. You know, that it's Jimmy Carter's. We were supposed to be thinking it's her mom's funeral.

Like at one point they show the coffin with the flag on top, but they never say his name. She just keeps talking about her mom. And I'm like, that's Jimmy fucking Carter in the box. Yeah. Yeah. Although I will say I do have to dispute one small thing that you said because you said she's crying for her mother. She doesn't cry. I cannot make a moisture anymore. Because it is glue.

You know when she's sad because she says things like this is a point where we have emotion. Yes. She she likes narrates. I swear you can't. Very emotional for me, see? Gry, cry, cry. Yeah. Well d in her in her defense I don't think the plastic surgery allows for emotion. Oh yeah. On the face at this point. So they get in the car together, her and Donald, and they're driving away, and they have this conversation about Baron. It's the first time that they mention their their child.

I love this so much. You mean slender man? I wanna see. Hey guys. Hey guys, I've got great news. Oh, I'm so sad Donald Trump's the president. His son is fucking Slender Man the Bird.

And look, this first conversation's weird. We're gonna talk about it in a second, but that's because their son looks like this. Yeah, I mean honestly the only thing the only thing good about the second term over the first term is that Bear is old enough that we can make fun of how ugly he is now and not feel bad. Uh listeners at home, Eli is now um doing the cat bit, knocking shit off of the uh So okay. What's he doing? This is... Popó So... Now, I want to point out.

I want to point out that when we hear them having this conversation in the car about Baron, when they're asking, you know, Oh, how is Baron? And well, we are such good friends with our child, I know him very well. Um we never see anybody's lips move. We're looking at for like for at the back of their heads from their car. This I feel like this whole fucking thing was ADR'd in.

Yeah. They got through the whole thing and they were like, oh fuck, you guys never even mention your goddamn kid, do you? I don't even think yeah, that's like an AI doing Trump. They just like she's like what would make me happy for him to say here about about that stuff.'Cause it's insane. So B Barron is six foot nine and he's what, twenty years old? Yeah. He's a giant man.

And in this scene she's like, You spent time with Baron, how was it with Barren? And he and what does he say? He says something insane like, Oh, it was very cute. He kept saying cute things. What a cute kid. And he got caught lying too. He's like, Yeah, Baron's always up late. She's like, No, he's not. No, he's not. He's like, No, he's not. No, he's actually stay he he says well, you know, we have a lot of convers well actually he just stays in his room.

He did say that, yeah. He just goes to his No no no that's what he said. He was like he was like he just went to his room and went to sleep. No he did not. He called me. That's it! He was on the phone with me. He was awake. He was just avoiding you. He's on speaker right now. Dad you're lying. He loves strawberries. Oh allergic? Oh he's allergic to strong. Look at insane that kid. So Have you seen him? It's insane. So Donald... I turn around, ah, he's just next to me in the car.

So Donald and Melania, they show up for the funeral. Now she's dressed as the flying nun with a hangover at this point. Okay, I will give you this is the one outfit she wears that I don't approve. Okay. I liked when she looked like the mime. This one's not the mime, right? When she's got the Charlie Chap No no no She's got the Sherlock Holmes like cape thingy. Yeah, yeah. It's a big thing. Happy near lapel. Yeah, it was weird. Yeah.

Oh, that was that was all right. That was all right. So and I also want to point out that like we see the like the motorcade bringing Carter's the funeral procession for Carter and we see that the streets are lined up with people who are like showing their respects and I thought to myself, there's no fucking way they'd do that for Donald. Right, like if if that was Donald dying, you could not get a crowd shot where somebody wasn't waving their dick at the camera or something like that.

You know, I just Think about how hard they're gonna have to make parades illegal that year. Yeah. 'Cause they're gonna be like, Oh well if it isn't Saint Patrick's Day Just doing St. Patrick's Day, everybody! We always have one of these parades. Uh listeners at home, Eli is violating the corpse that he's uh pretending to puppet. Oh that's what that was. Oh. He did a hammer toss.

Alright, wait, wait, where's he go? Oh he's going up the he's going to the top rope. He's getting to the top rope What's that? What the fuck is happening now? Продолжение следует... It's not the steel trap! Ha ha ha. All right. That's my workout for the century. Yep. Heh heh heh.

All right, so and then okay, we get we we haven't really been talking about the banalities that Melania voices over here, but this is one of my favorites. She's hijacking Jimmy Carter's funeral to talk about her mom again, and she says, and I quote. I swear this is a real quote from the fucking movie. Everything I am began with my parents. Well, Let me write that shit down. Hold on a second. Ah your dad's sperm and your mom's egg. Wow.

Okay, my favorite part of the funeral is Donald Trump nodded off and they kept it. Mm-hmm. It's the and he does he he like. I was doing a head bob drool dance on the I was Davening, I'm Jewish, right? So look, so we I I wanna point out that we all d do our notes independently here. I've written in my notes, did they just show Donald Trump fall asleep at the funeral? Heath has written Donald Trump nodded off.

Kara has written, wait. No. Nope, no, she doesn't have it. Okay. But Eli has written, and then we all watch Donald fall the fuck asleep. No, I was writing in all caps. That's Carter in the box. That's not your mom. Also, did you guys know that his name was James Earl Carter? I did not know. I don't know it was James Earl. That's yeah. I miss him. Yeah. It's like this movie is so unintentionally ironic in so many places. Yeah.

And Jimmy Carter who gave up his fucking peanut farm so there'd be no like conflicts of interest. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Uh huh. And then spent the rest of his life building homes for poor people. Yeah, right. I bet he wasn't a big help in the later years. I bet he kinda held projects back. Yeah, he was always bruised up and shit doing it, yeah. Uh listeners at home, Eli is now performing. Субтитры сделал DimaTorzok It's going to be a good thing.

You know a lot of comedians don't have the guts to go after Jimmy Carter in his senior years. Yeah. There he goes. Now I reverse to a plexium. You see what you made me do? Why do we have to go for the escalation? So no so she's leaving the funeral. She goes to St. Patrick's. Just ignore him. I'll keep doing it! Don't encourage him.

Uh it's okay. Yeah, I know how to fucking calm him down. So okay. So they leave the uh they leave the funeral. She wants to stop by St. Patrick's Cathedral to light a candle for her mom because She would like to stop traffic on fifty first street in the middle of the fucking day in Manhattan. Give her place to be. This is this the first time she goes for Warmouth. Does it work? What was that? A warump. Thank you. Oh, she says my mother was a rich thread weaving varump. That was the quote.

Oh and I wrote it down. The absolute worst moment of good music in this fucking movie because they have one of the most beautiful pieces of r uh music ever recorded. They have Aretha Franklin, who may have the best voice in the history of the English language since we've been recording voices.

Singing Amazing Grace, which is a strong contender for the greatest song ever written. And it's just absolutely fucking beautiful. And I'm watching the fucking Melania movie while I'm hearing it. It fucks me right up. Yeah, I hope her ghost sued them. Do you think maybe that happened? Yeah. Oh god, well i there is a point where Melania starts talking over Aretha and like They used the Aretha track. Have a little respect. Thank you. So stupid, go ahead. Thanks.

Used the Aretha Tract because there's applause in it. And at one point, the movie wants us to think that the applause from the Aretha Track. The people watching Melania leave St. Paul Yes! Yes! They time it so that the applause on the live uh track matches when she's walking out and somebody's yelling, Fuck you New York City. Hey. Okay. your mom again Ha ha ha. Did you see what he like to do to a corpse? You summoned her this time. This one's on you, big guy. No look, Kara. Ha ha ha.

So the next day So the next day, Melania's at at her desk hard at first ladying, when she gets this call from Brigitte Macron, the first lady of France. Ha ha ha. Just name a scene and it's so absurd. You're Oriental You can't. Really funny. I actually enjoyed this one. I did, I did. This is where

Did you notice though? When they open the scene, she's got her laptop and you know how like you can't be like you can't do a zoom here because then it's like up your nose. So you have to like lift your laptop so it's at eye level. And it's on it's on top of a coffee table book called Melania. Which I thought, by the way, I thought at first I was like, is that the novelization of this movie? It's not. She's got a standing desk, but it's uh which one is mine? We need to label these guys. Ha ha ha.

I have an Skype call with a lady who knows my name. But it's also it is amazing to me though that this stupid fucking movie is like, yeah, her book, what is that good for? Well, you can raise your Put your shit on it. Well a little bit. But this is where she's talking about all of her efforts against what she calls. I wrote it. बुली Which is amazing because of course she's married to the world's foremost cyber bully.

Right, she's like, I have take very seriously cyber bullying and I'm like, Do you know? You have lovely hand today. So there's my my absolute favorite moment here is at one point Brigitte Macron starts speaking French, right? And they show Melania writing down notes as she's speaking French and nodding. Melania doesn't Fuck out of here. It's You you watch her on just like one piece of paper, she writes like four words of French, one of them is a number I think.

No, she writes writing it in English. But she's ready, yeah. And she claims to speak like five or six languages, but I I I was curious. I was like, Okay, she's from Europe. Maybe maybe she speaks some French. So I looked up Melania speaking French. I just wanted a video of that. There was a video that said like Melania Trump speaks French fluently and she's at a children's hospital. She says Bonjour. And then she says, je m'appelle Melania. And then that's the end of her friend.

It's like that flight of the Concord song. The call ends and she's like, I did not get to ask her where the library was Or the Oh god so by the way, every source I could find th she speaks two languages. That that's everything that I could find. Okay, then I don't believe that either. Right, right, exactly. Do any of you speak French? Could you understand what she was? The only thing I know in French is um it's gonna be very bad is um oh uh je suis désolée, je ne comprends pas. That's useful.

Yeah, that's the only in your own. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know a word in French, I say it in English in a French accent, but that usually w They love it when you do that too. So now we should also point out that in the background of this like I guess they're trying to like

Place this in time as well. So in the background of this movie to this point, we've got we've had like news in the background of the terrible wildfires that were happening in California at this time, right? Um and I can't tell if they're If that's like, you know, oh remember this was the moment that this happened, or if they're trying to say, this is what happens when fucking Democrats are in charge, they don't sweep their goddamn forests.

Okay, but I was like, No, go ahead, Melania. Narrate this wildfire scene that your wife your husband said that there's a spigot in Northern California that wasn't being turned on so that the fire people could put out the fire in Los Angeles. A lot of people call my husband and speak it. It's true. But he loves everybody through. I said kids and adults through.

Okay. But we're getting it's so gross. We're getting a side by side of the destruction of the wildfires in Southern California. And Melania sitting on her six-figure But she is sad because she says I have emotion. No. As she's saying, I have emotion. The camera's zooming in on her face as stolid as a fucking Halloween mask. There is no emotion on it whatsoever. Also by the way, six figure couches, JD Vance's only figure. That's so good. So vice president. I don't think we talk about that enough.

Because that's a lie. Are we playing with truth now? No. He fucked a couch. We're just making stuff up. Okay. You saw it.

Yep. So now we're gonna do the weirdest if you haven't watched the movie. I want you to think about the weirdest goddamn thing that could possibly happen at this point in this film. She reenacts nine eleven with hand puppets. I mean I mean it's it's not different it's not that's not on a different level, it's just a different thing. It's not less appropriate. No. So she's now going to interview one of the October seventh hostages.

And she's gonna do exactly as good a job as you assumed she would do when I said that. And here's one of those weird things that they left in the movie where you're like, Why did they leave this in the movie? They show this woman who was a released hostage coming to to meet her to be interviewed, and they show her getting patted down by the secret service. Yeah, they do the T S A. I mean I get that they have to do that, but why would you show it in the fucking movie? Hey, hold on.

Bitch against the wall, make sure she wasn't gonna shank the first lady. What? Don't worry, we checked Pager on her belt right there. Is that a nineties? Ha ha. Pager She's gonna lend that to her Lebanese friend later. That's crying. But she has this whole thing. Pushing through again.

Now this woman uh was a hostage for like four hundred days or whatever. Her husband at the point that this movie is being made was still being held hostage, right? And so that's what th this poor woman who has to talk to Melania Trump is just trying to get the message out that like, you know, I want my husband back. And so they have this like moment where she's like, Yes, but luckily for her, unlike Joe Biden, my husband Campaigned against Joe Biden's support for Israel, wants the hostages back.

You know, so she gives this whole big like, you know, we're actually gonna get'em back kind of a moment. She has this great thing. She's wearing a shirt with her husband on it, and she goes, I see you have a shirt. He's very beautiful. I hope nothing bad happens. Hey, this woman literally saw her husband be tortured inside a Hamas torture chamber and she goes, I hope nothing bad happens.

And then she comes to her side of the couch to hug her. Oh my friends, that's why I'm so glad we're at a live show. Sorry. So look. I don't know how you comfort the hostage of wife of the knocked over s I'm I don't know. But you definitely don't go around the longest possible way. Oh you you're gonna come around the side? I'm coming one second. Are we hugging at the end of this? Yep, let me change my shoes. Okay. Ha ha ha ha.

Okay, here we go. I'm not gonna sit next to you because you It smell like latkes, but... Here we go. No, no, don't reach. I got it. There there. Think about money. Oh, gosh. The score is still pretty good though. You guys are winning, right? Oh no. She goes she she hugs the lady I wrote in my notes and then she went and sanitized all the parts of her that just touched Jew.

Then we get okay, then we get this weird scene where her assistants are fielding calls from people who want to talk about the very obvious bribe that this documentary is. What was this scene? It's like they so they ran out of I mean,'cause you can only do so many fittings and like party planning. ¡Adiós! And there's only one Carter funeral. So She only had one dead mom. Yeah. She really milks that though.

Forty three I looked, we're forty-three minutes in, we're only forty-three minutes into this. And the movie just like ran out of content, so it starts talking about itself. Yeah, they broke the fourth one. Completely. They're talking about The media strategy for the movie. That they're making. We're watching. That lost fifty eight million dollars. And they're talking about how they're gonna lose that money without knowing that they're talking about how they're gonna lose

And like they're being dicks about it. Like that part was weird, right? Because the report. The question is, is there anything to this movie? And she's like, oh shit, I said that out loud. Um, but I don't trust him. 'Cause he's from the press. Yeah. And they sorry, they're liars, not

Let's press big. Face right up against this. So I So I do have to push us through pretty quick on this last bit of this segment, but This is where Melania's VO informs us there are only a lot of people. The mime coming of Big Bird Burbany to Death and the Challenger. Okay. And he got ahead of it. I admire that. Well done. Bologna! Demolanya's VO, she she cuts into inform us that there are only five days left until the ignoration. Ha ha ha ha!

This is the first time we see her in the moose and squirrel hat. Yeah, she looks like she looks like the Kennedy. This was a fun moment. I thought she looked great. I thought she looked great. I liked I mean I didn't like the hat. I liked the outfit though. The hat though I get because It's like a force field. Because she was gonna be standing this close to her husband the whole time. It's like social distancing from your sp That makes sense. Okay. That makes sense. It's like a cone, you know.

She's like um Can't get in there. Dodges some kisses from Donald. I can get a McCone if you can. Perfect. But she's on a swivel. Yeah. Battler in the hill. She comes in, she goes, Uh just one more thing and I so wanted her to say, Do we have a hat that does not make me look like a nineteen fifties comic book villain? Or uh All right. Very spy versus But no, her her her correction, she wants the the hat to be a little bit more flat. She makes it look worse somehow.

So okay, so then she she goes back to Mar-a-Lago and then there's this moment where they're leaving Mar-a-Lago and the filmmaker just absolutely desperate for any hint of humanity, asks her who her favorite singer is. Right, and they she gives the most boring possible answer, which is Michael Jackson. You know, nothing against him, but like this most boring answer. Brand though, right? It's a Brett Ratner movie.

Yeah. Do you name someone who died before they could publicly declare their hate for your husband? Yeah. She says she met Michael Jackson one time, which means that if that's true that he died shortly after he met her. I blame her. And then this is what she's like, W you know, they're like, Well, what are your favorite Michael Jackson songs? And she names like the two most well known Michael Jackson songs and then just stops.

Thriller Michael Jackson That one that goes Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba is that one of his? I am a soulless ghoul. You think I like fucking music? You think I listen you think a water comes through the air into my ears and vibrates in my brain and touches my soul like it does yours? to me Brad. Water? Is that how he thinks music? I cannot hear anything a human being says or does. What's your favorite song? Is that one? I like that one. I am a demon, Brett. Favorite song. Yeah.

So she's getting on the plane. She says, This is my last time getting on the plane as a private citizen before I become the first lady again. Private fucking citizen. Yes. She goes, Well, this is where I wrote my notes like I keep forgetting that like she's not actually friends with Sarah Huckabee Sanders. And Sarah's not gonna show up. Yes. I just wanted her to pop her head around the corner and be like what up what up? She's getting on the blank.

Do you see the grickle crackle? What's going on there? And I don't want to say why. They she's getting on the plane, we see Hervey coming in behind her. He's carrying a comically large amount of shit because she's the fucking worst in every way. She just like watches him s uh likes watching him suffer. So then okay so then she gets ferried once again tomorrow live. She says it's her happy place. Is this this is where she's like talking about how hard her life has been?

Yes. She's like, when I was model I had to move to Milan. All right. It was very difficult for me. Yes. It's such a weird like she th she's like, Oh, I like to come here and to relax and she's like still wearing six inch heels. I'm like, those are those your relaxing pumps then? I am model. She says I have always had very high standards of for achievement. Which would make you think I would have achieved something by now. I don't know. I have hat boxes. She says she intends to break our norums.

Mm. She was to break the norms of the And then she Imagine the people who work for her have to do this shit in real time, right? Like Herman have to do a post they're like, Yeah, absolutely and she walks out, okay, raba deby and they're like, I've been carrying a little mini recorder. Let's listen to her on slow mo. Hey. Just call a timeout, she doesn't know what's happening, and then we can just talk to each other like this. If we hold still, she falls asleep. She falls asleep right away.

And then we can just talk through the noises. She's asleep in there. You wanna see something not cool though? Check this out. What are you gonna do? Yes! She didn't feel anything. At all. Okay. Nothing. My hand is broken. Is Donald in there? She says at this point, she says the most important thing for her is to be an inspiring force in the world. And I'm like, Well then you know what you have to do, Melania. Right. They would love they could still love you, Melania. Everybody would love you.

Hundred and eighty on Melania, right? We take this episode down. Oh, you just one point you don't have to fuck ninja. So okay, sorry, we gotta go through this bit quicker, they're gonna kick us out of the theater before we're before we're done. So then okay, so then she has to meet with the Queen of Jordan.

Which is weird. This is where we learn that her her son, Baron, goes to NYU. He he can't go to class. So he just sits in his in his apartment? Yeah. And takes class over Zoom, but people keep smashing the camera. I've never been prouder of my own And no one's stopping him. The president of our university is like pfft I was really ra it was right next to me. I'm sorry. Wow. I love this moment with the Queen of Jordan where she you know, uh Melania's like, Yes I

important I do a lot of very important work. I give um scholarships, scholarships to to children. And then the Queen of Jordan is like, she's like, I give scholarships to orphans. Fuck, that's even better. The Queen of Jordan starts to talk about her charity work and we Charlie Brown's parents her She goes, yes, no, not enough orphans go to college. And I wrote my notes. I'm like, yeah, if only there were some way to diversify and more equitably include people.

Yeah, if you're not going to be able to do Thank you. If only we had a department of education in this industry. Wouldn't that be great? So then we get Melania and Donald meeting with the executive producer to the president for major events, I guess is the guy's title. He's gonna tell'em about more inauguration stuff. Oh I love this scene so much. First. First, Don this is with Donald, right? He's so stupid. Okay, so So first he ha he asks i it's January twentieth, right? Yes.

You did this once already. Yeah. And then Two week anniversary plus four years of your thingy. That's fun. And then he gets so mad'cause there's a sports ball game on it. Uh the g he's mad that there people are gonna watch the pregame seven hours before the game and that's gonna

That like nobody watches the goddamn inauguration. That's not a television event, right? Like nobody watches the fucking inauguration. But he finds out that the championship game is on seven hours afterwards and he goes, I shit you not. He goes, Probably did that on purpose. Hehehe Sabotage. Hey, gentlemen, it's us. Football teams, famous enemies of Donald Trump. Ha ha ha. So here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking everyone in America loses their fucking minds and he wins again.

And then what we do is we schedule, I don't know, our eleventh most popular event. Seven hours after his inauguration to really speak. And he's like taking it out on this poor guy. Yes. Who's like a you know, a public servant. His whole job is to he doesn't want to be doing this job. And he's like, Why did they do it? Why didn't the guy's like, I don't know, sir. Donald Trump is yeah, no, he's like he's asking for an explanation from the guy who's fucking the the the president

uh the executive producer to the president for major events. How the fuck does he know? And and and Trump goes, Well we've had this date for hundreds and hundreds of years. Like first of all it's only been the fucking date since nineteen thirty three, right? So you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. But also like in nineteen eighty five

The goddamn Super Bowl was on the same day as the inauguration, right? This is not an unusual thing for a big sporting event to happen because again, it's not a major television event. Heroes. You know what? I'm gonna have JD drop the trophy and break it. Yeah. back that they did they definitely did on purpose to make them deal with that piece of shit.

And then okay, then we see the dumbest moment from Melania in the entire movie, right? This is where she starts asking for her like they're talking about the parade that they're gonna take afterwards, and so she's asking for security details and the sec secr service agent keeps going

Run. A goddamn camera? Mm-hmm. Could you could you please shut the Yes. When we get out of the car, how will you make sure no one is shooting at us? Okay. Where is the best roof to see us when we get out of Can we? Depository right here. The best place to shoot us from. I was thinking Donald maybe wears this hat with the target on it because some fuckwit from Pennsylvania can't just aim for center mass. Whoo!

You look so handsome, baby. Maybe I know this your kisses later. Oh, I can't wait. Okay. Can I be honest? I'm watching that scene and I was like, okay. I remember what happened and that when he that twitchy fuck just barely dodged. I looked at his ear. Nothing. There is nothing missing from that ear. Oh, yeah. Okay. There's this moment now where like they're gonna Yeah. They're gonna politicize the death of some soldiers. Oh I hate this.

Yeah, they go to Arlington for a wreath laying, which by the way there are fucking laws against doing video at Arlington for partisan purposes. There's actual laws against what they're fucking doing here. But they're gonna hijack uh solemn remembrance for dead service members as a political fuck you to to bite.

People who die during the poll out from Afghanistan. And so the only reason I really need to bring it up is because there's the w he's gonna lay the wreath, right? Donald Trump is that's the whole point. But it's big and he's old and weak. Wait, let me do it. You be the Marine. You be the Marine. So the Marines got it, to be clear. So I'm I'm just gonna hand this to you. Yeah. And then you you got it? I got it. Okay. Pivot. Pivot? My right? My right? No. Pivot no no. No? Okay.

Because we are primarily an audio medium, I will also explain it So Donald Trump starts to try to do that. Let's get JD to help. Donald Trump starts to try to move this wreath and clearly he can't fucking lift it or whatever and so this Marine has to hold him and carry it with him. He's like, We're both carrying it, Mr President. He's he's not he's hurting the Marine. The Marine is trying and he It's the fucking best. Also, think about this, right?

These families and uh blah blah blah Afghanistan broth these families, their kid died, right? And they're there and they were like high school was hard so their kid went and then they came back and now their kid died and they were like, hey, you know how today is the big thing where your son, the hero Can we lay him to de Bret Ratner is? Here. Brent Ratner's gonna be right there going Fucking front kick a wreath onto your son's grave and he will remain dead and in hell forever.

That was like two ladies' days. So and also there's this great moment, another one of these why the fuck do they keep it moments where they zoom in on Melania for the first time in the entire movie she's showing emotion and it's laughing at this fucking horrible goddamn moment of the the this very solemn moment. All right. Yeah, screams. I remember they were like All right. Where are we? Oh the audacity this movie I guess so much irony.

All right, well I'll tell you what guys, all times are equally good for breaks when there's no plot or progression whatsoever. So we're gonna take one here. But first, let me get back through the hard sell. Will Kara ever forgive us? Why would she? What could Eli possibly have on her that would be worse than doing this? Find out the answers to questions that nobody could possibly ever give a fuck about instead when we return for the torpid conclusion of Butterfinger.

You're saying it with a D. It doesn't have a D? No, it doesn't. What? No, it doesn't have a D. It's T. Hey hey Sarah. Hey Melania. You guys ready for today's shoot? HELLS YEAH! WHAT ARE WE SHOOTING? Right, about that. So you know how the movie up to this point has been mostly Melania attending parties and setting up Other parties. I love Party. Yeah. Right. So today we're gonna be interviewing one of the family members of the hostages from October seventh. Oh. I am? Ya.

Hate hostages. Oh yeah, girl, I would never be caught alive. Me neither. Like, where's your sense of pride? Okay. Uh right. So let's just so right now none of that. Right? We're we're sympathetic, we're understanding, right? Oh, that's the thing with the shop, right? No, no, no. No, that's siphlas. Uh just trust try to be nice. Nice. Totally got it. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Uh and you guys do know what happened on October seventh, right? You know what? I s I think we can push this back a few days.

Whatever you say, Butterfinger. You got it, but I five. Ow, my arm broke. Mobby. Sorry. And we're back! Fuck. We are back for still more of this shit. We're gonna rejoin the action at the first of four inaugural events.

This would be a candlelight bribe dinner. And it's one of these I don't know if you've ever heard anything one of these fancy dinners where everybody is way too close together to be comfortable because it's a really expensive dinner and they wanted to get as many people in as possible.

Now this is a dinner that was uh for donors. Some people paid as much as half a million dollars to be at this dinner and it's just uh it's like a direct bribe. I mean it was to to the president's uh whatever like campaign committee or something. Fucking campaign was over when they made these donations. So anyway, that's what we're watching now.

Trump and Melania make their appearance. There's this great moment he's like he starts to talk, Trump starts to talk, but he's so inarticulate and boring that all we hear in the movie is him go, I'd like to thank my wife Melania. And then we're done. Got it. He said other stuff too, but don't worry about it. Yeah. Right. Supposed to get this beautiful montage of the celebrities who were there. We get Elon in a fucking K-state just. Y'all. Guys, why are all the candles in this room singing?

We get a mi Cause look, there are evil people in the Trump administration, obviously. Elon Musk, Melania, Robert Jeffries, who's in this one, right? None of those people are in his administration, by the way. Yeah. There it is. But We also get fucking miserable Jeff Bezos that we're talking about. Ja. 'Cause he fucking kissed the ring, but na he didn't sign up for fucking dinner. So now he's just sitting there being like

I paid forty fucking million dollars for your wife's stupid movie. I shouldn't have to do this too. Yeah. Yeah, but then then they ru they run out of the way. Yeah. They run out um Robert Jeffers out to give a blessing.

You know, for those of you who don't remember this guy, like'cause there's so many assholes that we talk about, this guy is a piece of shit in every way he can be. He's a homophobic, covet denialist, Johnson Amendment violating transphobic, Islamophobic, sex abuse enabling piece of Trump loving shit. But he's also like... Yeah. That's not just a Dallas accent. Okay. Ahora... That's Dallas the like soap opera accent. Hey, Jesus, if you wouldn't mind listening up for a second, huh?

Copy of people magazine because I got something to tell you about what we're doing down here. Also I want to point out there's this moment where they show a pianist that played at this event. And then we only see her from the side because she kinda looks like Melania. We they obscure her face so that somebody watching the movie was like, Can she play the fucking piano too? Just cut to Melania transcribing it onto I'm I fluent in musica. It's like in Caveman's Valley time.

So yeah, so but we see that party and then Trump and Melania leave early from the event. People paid half a million dollars to attend with

I liked watching them walk on stairs because Melania is so much better than Donald on stairs. And they do it a good amount in this movie. In this moment you can see Donald because he's gotta be right next to her because they're leaving together and he's like, right foot, left. Focused in. Don't fall down and make everybody happy. Don't fall down and make everybody happy. So now I'm wondering, how does Brett Ratner feel about these people? Oh interesting.

Because in this scene when they're leaving the party there's like wind blowing and it I think maybe they're playing z Thus brock Sarathustra. It's like the Imperial Mar no, no, they're not. They're like they're playing this like super evil music and it's yeah, comical. Does he know? He knows. So now it's it they so they leave this thing, now it's we open up on the day of the inauguration. We have Thank you.

Very thin line of Trump supporters lining up. Now they it was like freezing fucking cold that day, but it's such a thin, sad line. It's it's a guys, we should really spread out to try to look like more people, level of people that are there. Hand to hand. And this is we we see her putting on her ridiculous Kung Lao hat.

Right. Oh, and they are they're playing Mozart in this scene, which is weird. It's like the do you remember in Amadeus when like Salieri's getting pissed? Mm-hmm and Mozart's like manic. Yeah. There were originally a bunch of shots of Jill Biden just So odd. And and they do like a weird like close-up of a trash truck. Do you remember that in the middle of a scene? Yeah. It's like they they show a guy taking out the trash. There's a No, because of the Yep, yep.

And so there's this great moment too where like um Mm. She's the bubble. Polo Bills had just sold him that fucking team in nineteen eighty three. We wouldn't be talking about this. Matthew Perry would be alive. If his father had Fred Trump hugged his own. One Time! So this is a great moment where uh she's she's being dressed by, you know, the five or six people who dress her. And she's got her little stupid hat on and at one point she barks at one of them and she goes, Don't touch this Yeah.

Why would you keep that in your fucking movie? She slaps the hand of her house gay. Ha ha ha. Oh, is this the weird scene too where they're with the White House stat like the full The Blair House definitely. Blairhouse staff. Which is, you know, colo it's colourful. The most people of color they've ever been around. Oh yeah. And it's so hard to see all of the black folks that like work on the staff like forcing smiles in the photograph with them. It's Not all of them.

No. There's a lady right here who's just like Fucking fire me. Ha ha ha ha ha. Do it. Kill me. Shoot me right in the fucking face. Yes. You are getting no expressions from me. Yeah. He brags about how good he tips at the Blair House? And then Melania tells us for a little while about how awesome her kid is. She tells us how a great Baron is. She says, you know, he had to learn all about integrity at an early age.

By watching his dad violated, he would have to say it's this he's done another thing that's immoral now. She says he's she's confident in his values and I'm like, Yeah, but you can sleep at night knowing that you have access to Trump's food and you don't do anything with that access. I don't I don't know if you b if I believe you. They have the weird uh Biden photo op where the Bidens are leaving as the Trumps are coming in and that's fucking sad.

Dude, it's great because Jill fucking hates it and Joe has no idea what's going on. Yeah. I like him, the little one. Is that who's that? Is that Kamala? I love you. Where and I know that they think I retire or whatever, I give up. Way too late, man. What? So there's a Push-up contest! Just leave them on the floor. It's so fucking funny,'cause I like I had this whole big Eli's hurt I can't see him, but he's hurting himself so bad right now.

You would be amazed how much time I spent uh during the intermission explaining that we really have to hurry through this last bit. Yeah. There's this moment where this this i'm I'm sure that Brett Radner thought they were keeping in this hyperbolic moment, right? Because as they're having their little photo up where the Bidens are leaving and the Trumps are taking over, a reporter yells out, Will America survive the next president?

And like again, like Brett Ratner's like, Oh look at this silly shit but of course, you know, six months after they film that you're like, Ooh, that's a good fucking question right there. So okay. So then we cut to the inauguration itself. They introduce all the surviving ex presidents. This is where we learn that uh if we didn't already know that Michelle did not come. Uh right. Love that. I fucking yes. Obama Absolutely not going. Hun Han please. They're all gonna please. No.

I just Absolutely not. It's gonna be so quick. Yeah. Yep. not go also George George W is there and he's so excited to be on TV again. And the Clinton just pretending that behaves. Right, yeah. Yeah. Who would you suck out of the tip of a homeless man's dick to be president again? Damn. I started a relatively successful regime. I conquered is something. I don't even have the worst unnecessary war against a country that starts with IRA anymore. This is fucking great. Now watch this draft.

It's uh Guys, that fucking rocks. And it's such a good drive. It was a really good drive. I hate that it's a good drive. This is a weird scene because they open all the people at the inauguration like the device they use is us watching her. And I think this is why. Okay. Because we're watching her watch them, we're getting some of the backstory. Nothing's happening, nothing's happening, nothing's happening. And then you hear the reporter say, and let's not forget.

That young Melania at the tender age of fifty three was recently orphaned. And so you get to feel sorry for her one more time. Well and we also get to watch the uh we also get to hear the newscasters going, Wow, and and Barron is so very tall. The kid is the kid is like the kid's six foot nine. That's really fucking tall. Six nine. Oh wait, is this the part where he this is the part where he comes on stage?

Right where he's like they're at the inauguration and Baron comes in and they've like they've added a bunch of applause to make it seem like the crowd went wild for him as he comes in. Oh he does his like three choreographic Crowd work? Bet he clearly thought of it ahead of time. Oh, you're doing the f the fist? Cool. Yeah, all you did. Buddy, you gotta do one more. Do the finger gun? No? Uh listeners at home, uh Eli's doing that thing Brett Ratner got in all that trouble for.

Buddy, what did we talk about? Oh sorry, Olivia. The hand it's right. There you go. There you go. Uh High five. She goes, at this point, Melania says in the voiceover, she goes, you know, never take your rights for granted. And I'm like, as your husband's taken office, that's actually the only time you've given good advice. Okay, if Michelle Obama had showed up and done a Melania Oh I like it. With it With the voice. With the voice, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

I was her vocal coach for We had our own little the king speech. Kamala looks at her watch. She's like okay, my Uber's here. Let's he's waiting five minutes. All right. God, how awesome would it have been if the movie had cut over to the Ohio Notre Dame game at this point? It was so good. Did you guys notice too when when Trump comes out, there are these two people in front of him?

Right. And I had to Google who these two people were because I was like, I've never seen these people. And they are the official inaugural ceremony escorts. Yes. And the woman is looking very of Donald. She's she has deep handmaid's tail vibes. Yeah. So Gilead is upon us. His dad is friends.

A Fred. Yeah. So okay, so then he starts giving his inaugural address, and I'm like, oh please God, no. Oh dear God no. I checked the runtime and I'm like, okay, there's not enough time left in the movie for him to do the whole fucking speech tonight.

So he starts giving his speech. I I almost wrote him down on my notes'cause the first five sentences of the speech are all at this point demonstrably incorrect, right? He's like he'cause he's talking about how he's not gonna start any wars, he's talking about how he's gonna lower prices. You know, just like five things in a row that are all completely, entirely wrong. And then we have this fucking flashback moment, right? Where we're gonna flash back to him practicing his speech.

This is so insane. Just so that we can see the moment where Melania came up with a line that he ended up using. I was so happy sh I'm proud of her in this moment. So he's practicing. She clearly came up with a note to give Donald and was gonna force it into the speech, and she brought her. recruit with her.

Like thought of a d one dumb note. She's like, I'll say and Unifier. She brings Ratner and the camera crew in to be like and unifier. And he's like, Don't are you are you No notes from Normie? And was that is and was that the note was the and unifier part? That was hers. And then they show the real speech, and he says, and unifier. And you watch Melania like how to succeed in business be like. Yeah. Like Jim checking in with the camera.

Oh it's it's amazing too because when he when she like suggests the line, he has to stop himself from going, Hey fuck you, shut the fuck up'cause he realizes the camera's off. Well it's also it's such a weird scene because he's saying I something about himself being a a peacemaker and unifier. And they joke in front of the camera, peacemaker, that sounds better than warmonger, doesn't it? Remember he goes, I don't like the word monger. Manger was the problem for you. Yes!

You don't want manga in there? They Excursion monger? Then we So then okay, so then we see that Clinton's pretending not to hate W for a minute. Melania tries to inject wisdom, but again, she's never had an actual thought in the fuck they like at this moment she's like, you know, being part of such a historic moment makes you really reflect on History. Shit, shit. Come back to me. Just ad libbing haikus at this point for her now. The refrigerator magnet. Right.

And she can't count to five or seven. It's not working enough. So yeah, so she's like we have the moment where the Bidens go to their helicopter and leave. And Biden looks like he's waiting in line for a roller coaster. He's like... Okay, he didn't know what to do and they had to tell him. They were like Joe, you look mine? Yep. High five. Nope. Stop. No, stop what you're doing. Am I the president? What you're gonna do technically, a little bit. You're command. What you're gonna have to do it.

Come on over here, come on. Give me a hug. Yeah. Bush Gandhi, if you had just died two years ago. So there we go. I think I would. So poor poor listeners at home. So okay. So then she talks about how they couldn't have a parade that day after all because hell froze over. Hello? And she's like, you know, actually I am glad we are not having a parade because I am afraid of Americans. I get it. I get it.

Oh and this this is the moment actually where they have the cheering for Baron. I'm sorry I got ahead of us on that. That's the that was this the paradess parade moment. I don't think anybody would have noticed that, Noah. It's about integrity. She goes, No, I wanted to bring this up I w because I wanted to bring this moment up where she goes, Baron is very confident.

And like look every shot like we're making a lot of jokes about the kids, but like every shot of this timid ass kid makes it absolutely clear what bullshit that is, right? She's like he's so confident and you cut to him and Every shot of Baron looks like he's being led out of the pool that is closed for the rest of the day. Hey, buddy anymore, huh? Yeah. They gotta get special chemicals from the city. Or a lady might have a baby. This is... I think Eli's doing method acting, right? Oh god.

Okay. I'm just gonna face this side of the audience for a while. It's very funny. What's the angle out? Everybody angle out. Who'll never stop? All right. Look away. Okay. So Okay, so now after a long day of sitting quietly. Melania finally gets back to the White House. The song that they're playing as they fucking pull up to the White House is This Is a Man's World. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah, right, because he beat a lady. Although I will say though when when you're when you got Trump on screen, that whole line about a woman or a girl takes on a whole new meaning. Yeah, right? Yeah. In a Brett Ratner movie. Exactly. Yeah. Not a lot of good stuff going on. But the White House sorry, they assure us the White House staff really missed them. Barron immediately goes to like play Call of Duty. Walk into the way and he's like, alright, bye, go. Oh, I wanna play.

I'm gonna go to college in my Also, isn't he like twenty years old? Yep, he's 20. Get your own place, baby. Right? Well, you can't stay at college. Right. Yeah, stay on campus. Tell me they'll murder me! They said it probably won't make my dad sad, but it might So also I wanna point out that there is audio playing as they're walking through the ha uh the the White House, there's audio playing on the speakers of somebody talking about how great Trump is.

Like there's some right wing podcast about how awesome he is being pumped through the goddamn house he lives in. Fucking narcissist. Okay. So now she's finally in the zigzag dress and it's time to head out for the inaugural balls. False. She says exact words, time for the inaugural balls. Does she not? Yep. Well I I wouldn't say the exact words. Those are the words she's going for, but I'm not sure. Okay. yeah that's what she says exactly yeah

So there's also they're getting in the car together and this this just this fucking moment where he starts to walk around the car to like let her in the car on this on this side, but he gets uh halfway around and he's like, You get it and then he turns back suddenly. I open the door for her. Or whatever the fuck. So then we arrive at the first of the ball, which is a military ball. We get a rousing rendition of the Star Spangled Banner, and then we watch these two dance.

They danced the way I imagine Donald James Parker and I would dance. If it was the only way to cure a worldwide pandemic. Did it do it? Are they better? Oh God, it's like eighth graders that really don't want to be there. It's so hilarious where uh the there's several times where he goes in for a kiss and she dodges. But this is the fucking like she just basically runs up a wall. And comes back down. To get away from it. Yeah, right.

Yeah. Like they're dancing they're upright, but there's like a lean and it's because he's leaning in and he's leaning away and so they're like It's like a solid fifteen degree angle. I gotta have surgery until I don't have a sense of smell. And in the very next scene she's back with her gaze. She just hightails us out of there as soon as she can. Absolutely. Then we get we we we have the they go to the second ball which is called the Starlight Ball.

And this is where m Melania starts dancing to YMCA. Okay. The YMCA thing she goes up and she goes I think I don't think Yeah, but she doesn't know they're letters. She 100% does not know the gym. She thinks people are just doing arm motions. She's like, I love it. Yes, let's all do it together. And you watch she does it to the security guy and he's like He's like, is that the Cyrillic alphabet? You're killing or Think about how he's just writing down Y M C A and

So okay, they dance again. They we d we get a montage of them like talking to people at the ball. And over and over again in these shots, Donald Trump is like not making room for her in the conversational circle. So she's just sort of standing behind him going like this. You know, I also am here, you know us too. But and also he's walking too fast for her to keep up with in her heels. She looks so fucking pissed. I I I can't tell if that's just the shape of her face or if she's actually pissed.

But then after a busy day of going to an order of balls, they get back to the White House. It's two AM. Her husband has to get to work, uh ruining the world. She explains that this day was quote reach with meaning. Reach between she says uh being awake for twenty two hours straight felt like nothing is because of the infusion we get of baron's blood every morning. Can I keep my blood tomorrow? I wanna go smuggling. Soon we will harvest his organs and the transformation will be complete.

Oh God. There's a moment here where Trump is checking to see if she wants anything from the kitchen. And I'm like, oh my fucking God, even home movies would know we don't give a shit about that. And it's sad too, right? It's not even her saying yes, she's like, I don't eat. You know this. I get the head cooks. Oh that's my adorable thing. Everybody loves my back Like Reagan with jelly beans? No? No. Um I yell at everyone for diet cooks? So

From off camera, the that person who's desperately trying to humaniz humanize him says to Trump, he's like, You know, what does it feel like to be president again? Which is the dumbest fucking possible question, right? But Trump like is very clearly like Yeah, no, that means way to more to me than my family. Ha ha. The children. This bitch over here Bar Baron's mostly a blood bag for Milan. Ha ha ha ha. Have you seen Fury Road? She puts him on the front of her car. Witness me, right? Right.

Where are my arm? Of how sad this all is as they're walking out. Trump's like, yeah, it's a great the White House. Look, that's a Monet. And you're like, it is a fucking Monet. God damn it. I said out loud, don't You could also tell he didn't know what it was. He walked up to it and he was like this beautiful clawmon. Magic laugh for me.

So then we s okay, so now's the next day we see him heading to work. She goes, Children will remain a priority for me. And I'm like, Yeah, well not the Mexican ones, but um or the Iranian school girls. But other than that, some children Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. Yeah. I didn't kill him. You're the ones who support the troops. Hehehehe

I did a whole bit about them being dead and you guys got really quiet, which means you were okay with the stuff today. I'm okay when they die, which means I'm for the kid. You have to cheat. My side with the What's it? So then she explains to us that she will always move forward with purpose and style. And then we get A photo shoot of her c in her office quick before Trump demolishes it uh illegally.

And that's like it's like very clearly what she thinks the job is. She's like I am first lady now shoot to me. Yeah, it's like an onion parody of a Newsweek cover. Right. Ridiculous. There's like a guy there like making sure that the proper amount of her cleavage is showing and everything. It's like, man, this is the fucking first lady. Joe Biden did the same thing. You guys remember that, right? You remember the open blouse that she did when she entered the White House. Y'all remember that?

They have uh they list Melania as first lady through twenty twenty nine and I'm like, ooh, that's ambitious. Yeah. I think that's a good thing. Thought the opposite. Scary. Yeah, right, right. So and then they end the movie with this like what's supposed to be a list of her accomplishments. Right, right Exactly. She'cause she's not done a fucking thing. I shit you not. The words like played a role and shaped core elements of are listed throughout that.

And Jews the second to last credit is she was too stupid and lazy to read her own audiobook. So they faked an AI voice of her and when they got caught they were like this is an AI initiative. Yes! Yes and by the way the voice slightly more offensive than my impersonation of her Okay. You know, they're bragging about, quote, Melania Trump's commitment to serving the American people and supporting global causes is unwavering. Causes just in general.

She's a big cause person. Jesus fucking Christ. So, okay. So hey. Pause. I like the yes and I really appreciate the yes and on that. So yeah, so that's the fucking movie. Yeah. Yeah. Right.

And uh we made it. We we could start burning the memory of it out of our brains through years of therapy. Kara, thank you so much. I also I need to offer a huge thanks um to everybody at the venue. This is way too nice a theater for us. Such an awesome place. Everybody has been fantastic. I also have to give a huge thanks to Tim Robertson, who's around here somewhere. He set everything up here. Big round of applause for Tim.

Also, need a big round of applause for also putting in a ton of work here is the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions. Ton of behind the scenes work that she's been doing for us all night. One more time, of course, for Anna Bosnik, who's been keeping you entertained in the interstitials. But of course the biggest thanks that I have to give, of course, is for to San Francisco for such a wonderful week and thank you, San Francisco.

And on that note, we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes. The Senate held a hearing about a UFO near the White House. Turned out it was just a video of Melania wearing the hat walking around the Cool. Easy mistake. Melania would later ingest cyanide in the Futterbunker, and um her body would be doused in gasoline and burned in. Amen. Oh, what that oh that was Ava Braun. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Keep getting them concealed. No, I know, I get it, I get it, I get it.

Oh if you want to manifest I got one for you. Donald Trump would go on to die. Here's everything! Let's go! Субтитры сделал DimaTorzok Like only one? This rules. Somebody brought me cheese. That's what I'm enjoying. But Really what I'm focused on is this. Thank you. There we go! Alright, now it rolls. Oh it's the white cheddar baby bells too. Oh fuck, yeah. Like those. Yeah, get in there. Quick before he quick before Heath eats all of'em. I will buzz saw through these so Later.

All right, here we go. Here we go. Now I will say guys we're gonna have to go through this one uh real quick, so if you watch the movie along with me, don't be surprised if I skip a few scenes here and there. Uh none of them matter to the plot, so we should be fine.

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