535: A Law for Christmas

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So but as they're driving back, though, this is so stupid. As they're driving back on the bus, we see that Jill and Gloria are editing all the don'ts and nots out of. the video that they got with that farmer guy. So where he said, I don't support your administration. He's now saying, I support your administration. Press the deceptive edit tool. It's on the top left. The tool for that is on the left. It's got a picture of Kamala Harris. God awful movie.

Welcome back to the GameCast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema or the shadow people will gain entry into our dimension. You don't know it's not true. I'm your host, No Illusions, and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath Enright. Heath, welcome back.

Christmas-tacular. Yeah. Well, Christmas anyway. Love these. And there's not a lot of tacular in this one. And sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend, Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Have we figured out what the Shadows people's plans are? Really? Because honestly, after this one, and it's not like we're doing great on our own.

Right. Of course, we're also excited to welcome back a reasonable skeptic who knows Rogan, Michael Marshall. Marsh, welcome back, sir. Hey, always a pleasure to be here, even when you make me sit through two hours of literally fucking nothing. Literally fucking nothing. It's still nice to be here. company. Two hours and 22 minutes, Mark. If only it was just two hours. I skipped at least 20 minutes at some point. I'm sure I did. I will not notice which 20 minutes. So tell us, Heath.

The last 40 minutes of Heath's notes are just things he doesn't like about me personally. He's in a different room than the movie. It's normal, but like... Well, yeah, yeah. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched A Law for Christmas. It's the story of... It's long. I don't know. It's fucking Christmas thing. It's fucking long. It's too long. It's long and it's the story of absolutely nothing. Genuinely nothing. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well...

If you loved 2025, a world enslaved by a virus, but you want to see the fun-loving side of that mind so thoroughly steeped in psychosis, you will love. A law for Christmas. Oh, that's who this was. Yeah. This is their follow-up? Okay, I don't know this guy. This is the German guy who tweeted happy 18th birthday to my girlfriend wife, who I've been five years together with. I'm 24. Wait, what? Okay.

I didn't get any of this. I know Eli made some reference to a 14-year-old girlfriend, but he does that all the time for everybody in every movie he ever reviews. So I didn't know this one was true. I'm pretty sure this is a real one. All right. So like setting that aside, because that's obviously the real best worst.

Is there anything else that you'd like to nominate this for being the best at being the worst at? Okay, I'm going to go with best worst title. I thought about it for a while and I don't know what they're going for. Is there a pun in there? A law for Christmas? Are they doing something that I can't figure out with like a song? feel like it. A saying? There's also, there's not a lot of law in this either. It's not very lawy. No, it's like a lawyer, but there's no like lawyering.

Yeah, so I think what they were going for is what the farmers need is a new law for Christmas, but there's no new law. So I'm just guessing. All I could hear was... Allah for Christmas, like the God of Islam. And I was like, well, that's funny by accident, maybe. There you go.

All right, so I was going to go with best worst B-side Christmas carols. Oh, fuck yeah, baby. So we're going to get a few like public domain Christmas carols here and there, but the bulk of the soundtrack of this movie is going to be just made up of the shit that's on the other side. of some record that was released in 1944 or some shit. Oh, so bad.

Yeah, it's all sort of like legally distinct from a song you might know. Yes, right. Every third note is sharp. Jungle Bill? Well, given my predilection for pausing whenever there's anything interesting on the screen. I think I struck absolute gold with the best worst emergency helpline. This is incredible. I'm just going to leave it there until we get to it. But I was sorry. I had to get a calculator out. I get a translator out. There was a codex going on, but it was worth the effort.

We will get that. So, Marsh, I'm not going to spoil it, obviously, but I'm just going to let the listener know that when Marsh came to that point in the movie, he messaged me. And he told me his best worst then, right? He's like, you have to know this going in. And I was not disappointed. It's incredible. Hey, I'm doing Gematria like Tommy Numbers right now. I really was.

And I'm going to go with Best Worst Chekhov Sky. So I'll spoil this one because it's nothing. There's a character in this movie who does not speak for one hour and 22 minutes. And then he does. And is never seen again. And I cannot emphasize that when he talks, it is not a payoff or a joke. Nope. Or the fulfillment of anything.

He's just a guy they forgot to give lines to for the first hour and 22 minutes of this movie. Yeah, right. It's not like a silent Bob thing where like he shows up and has the great wisdom or the punchline to the joke. He just talks as if to undercut the side. bit and then disappears from the film forever without explanation. I think he got no lines and then he was just like, hey, it's my last scene. Fuck you. I'm talking. I think he was actually...

given some sort of curse prior to this film, the character he's playing was cursed, that it's only when he's given the opportunity to speak will he be freed from the curse and allowed to enter the afterlife. That's the law. And so I think he's been...

ghost this whole time. Okay. Exactly. He's been like forced to be a day walker. Until someone acknowledges him enough that he's allowed to speak and get a name card. To be fair, nobody acknowledges his existence. It would absolutely play that he is. a ghost for the first hour and 22 minutes of the movie. With only one exception, yeah.

All right. Well, I'll tell you what. We've got the highest ratio of runtime to tension and cam history on the other side of this break. So we're going to keep it brief. And when we come back, we'll dive into all the cinematic happenings that aren't a law for Christmas. Not even close. What? Okay, can we listen to it again? Hey guys, what you doing? Yeah, those shirts are interesting. You bet they are. We're getting ready to surf it up big time at our live show in San Francisco.

on Friday, April 3rd. Wait a second. We're doing a live show on a Friday? Good Friday, no less? Yup, that's right. People have been asking for us to switch it up for a while. So for this one, we have a live show Friday, April 3rd, and a platinum night Saturday, April 4th. so that we can catch some gnarly cone with our listeners. Yeah, I don't think that's a surfing expression at all. Well, it should be, Marsh. It's been six years since the last California show, and we can't wait.

Grab your tickets fast at godawfulmovieslive.com or check the show notes. So godawfulmovieslive.com. Godawfulmovieslive.com, April 3rd in San Francisco, California. What? Are you going for a surf song there? See, Marsh got it. Does he? Thanks so much for coming over for Christmas, Marsh. Yeah. Oh, yeah, no problem. Always happen to visit. Oh, no. New people. I'm scared. Okay, sorry. Who's this? Right. Yeah, this is Gilthwaite. He's...

He's dating Edna. Carl's sister? Yeah. Yeah, he's a cringy elder millennial who ruins all the holidays. Oh, come on. You know, you can't be that bad. I guess it's time to introduce myself. Hello, I am a normal human, right? Isn't that what we're supposed to do now that we're all adulting? Oh, you haven't touched Brad, have you? No. Oh, good. Because I have a self-diagnosed gluten intolerance. Oh, yeah, I see. That sounds...

Hard? It is. Hashtag ugh. Hashtag me want carbs. But you know what's not sucking the joy out of my holidays? My cell phone bill, thanks to Mint Mobile. Oh, thank God there's an app. That's right, Heath, because right now all of Mint Mobile's unlimited plans are 50% off. You can get three, six or 12 month plans of unlimited premium wireless for 15 bucks a month.

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dot com. All right. Well, I think I'm going to head out. Oh, you're not staying. I brought Harry Potter, seen it. And like, I know I hate her, too, but I got a Death in Hollows tattoo when my grandma died and I am not getting rid of it. Yeah, no, I'm I'm going to go. Hey, how much of that character was just you? I don't know, Heath. How much of your mom's cell phone number is... Noah? I'll beep it. I'll beep it. And then I said, when do you want to do the edit? And he said, what edit?

Oh, man, that is not good. Yeah, I don't like the sound of that one bit. Hello, gentlemen. Oh, hey. Hey, Simon, just looking over the dailies. Yes, the movie film we have made, it is quite good, no? Oh, yeah, yeah, man. It's really good. Yeah, good. So I was thinking perhaps we would go out to celebrate a rap party, if you will. Oh, yeah.

Sure, rap party. We bring the cast and the crew together. We could bring our families, our wives and our girlfriends, no? Ooh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think I could book us a room at a bar, maybe. Yeah, yeah, why not? Um, perhaps a bar or restaurant, you know, in case the people want to eat. Right. Okay. Sure.

Okay, are you sure it doesn't need to be a bar or restaurant because your wife isn't old enough? Dude, dude. Oh, yeah. No, yeah. No, absolutely. Yeah, let's also have food. Food would be delicious. Sure. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on DC in the winter time with a song that sounds like if you just put all the 50s Christmas hits together in a blender somewhere. Yeah.

So the music for this movie might actually be AI generated or it might just sound AI generated. Either way, it feels AI generated. Yeah, it definitely feels like you asked AI to make you a... generic Christmas song. Yeah, and not one of the good AIs. And kind of like it assailed you. Like it wasn't like, oh, AI music comes in. It's like you got attacked by it. Like Christmas AI attacked you. Like a hack.

So we're going to meet our main character. This is Gloria, and she's a Scrooge in this act, right? Yes, she's not consistently a Scrooge, though, and she will forget that she was ever a Scrooge, and so will this movie. But for now, she's one of those real Scrooge types. And the way they're going to characterize evil Scrooge type, evil secularism is public transportation and how that's like an evil thing. She's trying to get subway trains to have Wi-Fi. That's her project.

for her job. There's this great moment where they're trying to villainize her in this first scene where she's like being sharp with her assistant, Jill. And Jill hands her a coffee cup and then she goes, do you have my coffee? Yes. No, you have it now. It's funny if that's empty. And it's such, it's a plant pot. It's not just a coffee mug. It's a plant pot size. It's the world's largest coffee mug. It is enormous. Hilariously enormous.

Also, this character we should address right up front. I have her down as Marjorie Taylor Teal, just like a slightly more pleasant to look at version of Marjorie Taylor Green. Yeah, I have Marjorie Failure Green because she's not quite at the Marjorie Taylor Green level. I think the original is going to be coming for that name come January. But yeah, so she goes into her office and her assistant tells her that there's a new job opening in the ministry department. Yes. That's not a thing.

That would be the department. Department of Bureaucracy Administration Ministry. Get out of here. Learn one department. And she just accepts this on spec straight away and doesn't even know what department it is. She will continue to refuse to figure out, like to inquire as to which cabinet position she's accepting. Like she wants it to be a surprise. Like she's going to try and find out her new political role at like...

an agenda reveal party or something. But she says, she's like, wow, that's a cabinet position. And I'm like, which, so you work in government? Which government? Because we don't have ministries in ours. Right, you're in Washington, D.C. It's the cabinet of cabinetry. God, no, maybe she worked for our government. Oh, God, maybe that's it. The UK government is going to end up trying to install...

farming agricultural kind of infrastructure in America. Oh, it's a spy. Yeah. It's the next step of the Tories. But what we're supposed to be establishing here is that there's going to be a new tax on farmers. that'll bring in $600 million a year. And they're going to spend $150 million of that putting Wi-Fi in the...

in the subway. So what we're establishing is that big government just takes money from farmers and gives it to the big cities because you know how the rural areas in America subsidize the cities with their tax dollars? That age old truism. We're putting a new, we're giving a subsidy to these farmers and then we're going to tax them in a new way on the money we gave them. Right, yeah. Revenue like that? Okay. Yeah, exactly. I'm handing the money to myself around my body.

That's why I need $150 million to do it. And what I love about this, right, because we've seen this bullshit sort of like small America helps make it. But like Simon is from Germany. Right. And so he's trying to be an American Christian theocrat, but he lives in Germany where everything fucking rules. So he's like, let's see if I had a persecution complex and I lived in America, I would say like, oh, go.

The principal master of agriculture has set aside $150 million for the Wi-Fi to be on a city when actually it is the farmers who are needing it. Yeah. This crazy German guy thinks the evil atheist Democrats are doing like evil corporate public works projects or something like that. And that's the conflict. Also, by the way, our main character, her name is Gloria. And we're going to get the crate. Like this is.

not even close to the craziest name in this movie. The names will get more and more on the nose as we go. It's truly insane. She might as well be Pagan McPagan face fucking Red Cups God is Dead. Like, it's so stupid. Yeah, Christmas McDecember, I heard. Yeah, exactly. Yes, exactly.

By the end of this movie, I was ready to meet a character named Happy Holidaysy or something. Actually less on the nose than some of the characters. Right? Yeah. It's okay. But now it's time for the announcement about the big promotion where... Like it's done so poorly that it took us a long time to realize that this character was supposed to be the vice president.

Of America, right? Not of the company that she worked for. Sorry, wait. This was the vice president of the United States of America at his little standing desk with the wire running out of it. At the lounge at the fucking Elk Lodge. Yeah. Vice President of the United States is going to announce that she is surprised.

The new secretary of agriculture. Yeah, it's amazing. Of America. He has a crank on his standing desk. It's not even a powered standing desk, to be clear. The wire was for the Christmas lights that are on his standing desk. So, okay. So the extent to which this movie does not know what the fuck the Secretary of Agriculture is, is the plot of the film. Yeah.

Yes, it is. Because they will act like from this point on like, oh, not the Secretary of Agriculture. That is like a $230,000 job. You're ninth in line for the presidency of the goddamn United States and you oversee a budget of over $200 billion.

That is such an enormous fucking job. And she's like, oh, shucks, I wanted a good one. Yeah, she does like the old boy collar thing, but she hasn't got a collar, so she's just doing it to her neck, which is insane. But to be fair, we do know that what the secretary...

of agriculture really spends their time doing is traveling to small farms to do promotional videos, which is what she's going to do. I love as well. Exclusively. Just her entire thing. As she accepts this job, there's a marketing floor chart on the wall behind her. And it's amazing because it starts with idea at the top. And then there's two arrows that kind of, two lines that come out. One goes towards...

test. So I guess you're testing the idea. A separate one goes to product. So I guess you turn the idea into a product. But you do that separately. Those are two separate things. Exactly. You never test the product at all. It goes meat at a corner.

There's nothing at that corner. It carries down and comes back on itself and goes to markets. So eventually it goes to markets, but through quite a circuitous route to markets. It's not a direct route to markets. You think of something, you do a test completely unrelated to it, you draw a line there. Then you make a product completely unrelated to the test and you bring it to a market after you take several weird turns. All right. What is the thing between market and sales?

Oh, okay. I thought the bottom was salads and I was really excited to find out how we ended up. I think it's claws. Clients? Chains, maybe? Oh, clients. Clans. Clients. Okay, yep, yep. I stand with Heath, it's claws. Then you can... make sales from the clients. Right, from the clients. Exactly. Amazing. Where does the Department of Ministry come in? Right, yeah, exactly. That's the vice president's office.

So like, he had that in his office, the vice president of your country. And the thing is... I don't think J.D. Vance has anything as complicated and detailed as that in his office. Now, he doesn't know how ideas work. If you pan over, it says kill Pope with personality.

blood and soil nationalist speech. Yeah, right. So they have this announcement where she becomes, and then there's a quick moment where like, He's talking to her afterwards in the office and explaining how what he really needs is for the Department of Agriculture to go viral. Like that video of you dropping the trophy of the NCAA champions? No. So yeah, but so she goes back to her office to complain to Jill, her assistant, that now they've got to go to a bunch of farms like...

Because they're the Department of Agriculture and therefore they have to go to farms. Yeah. Okay. So the next day, Gloria and Jill arrive at the airstrip for their big farm tour, right? And there's like this long moment where she's like, I wanted a better private jet. Again, she's the Scrooge character still. And of course, it's at this airstrip that we're going to meet the pilot character.

Tory Martin, the one funny guy in... Tory Martin, we love you, Tory. Don't be sad, Tory. We're so sorry, Tory. We love you. Jokey Christian guy. Okay, so this is somebody, is it? I've never seen... He's in a bunch of movies. He's the funny guy of the group of Christian people who make these movies. Yes, and he...

knows people who know us and we made him sad and he's literally the only actor in Christian movies I've ever cared about the feelings of. Oh, wow. He's a genuinely funny guy. We made him sad. Yeah, we made him sad. Yeah. Well, tell us if... fucking joke, Tory.

Send me a fucking joke. Send me a funny joke then, piece of shit. Tori, we think you're great and we think the Ozempic is working awesome for you. You look fantastic. Okay, so nothing has ever made me feel older. Keep in mind, I had a fucking heart attack. Nothing has made me feel older than seeing how old Tori Martin got in the time that we've been doing these movies. He's turned into like a genuine Santa Claus. He looks like Santa Claus now. Yes. This is like finding out.

that the wool dasher mizzer was real this entire time and was a guy that you knew what did that fucker say Eli he's joking Eli he's joking no no say it to my fucking face So they get into the plane. Tory Martin does a little shtick. Nobody say his name. You gave everybody Coulson and Q&A like six years in a row. This is such a long movie.

So they get into the plane. They take off. We are, by the way, we are 12 minutes into this fucking movie. It's been 10 minutes since the last credits. So this is where they drop the title into the fucking movie. Like, I completely forgot to do that. Oh, shit. Yeah, the title. Oh, he's fine. He's fine. No one's going to notice. Don't worry about it. You know when you join a conversation like at a party and it's been too long and then you go like...

Eli, by the way. And the person's like, what? And you're like, Are you standing there the whole time? He's joining the Zencaster link. Yeah. So, yeah, so they get into the airplane and it's Tori Martin flying and there's a mystery guy. They also they have a guy with them. This is the silent cameraman character.

Right. That'll be always trying to do something wacky in the background, but never quite managing. I thought there was just like another random guy on this private plane for a second. Cool. Yeah. I was also going to Goose Noose. On Air Force Nine to Goose Noose.

So, yeah, but while they're on the plane, Jill's like, well, there's a guy, there's a small town mayor that's supposed to meet us and take us around when we get there. And she's like, oh, I fucking hate small town mayors. They're the fucking worst. They're all stupid and shitty. And if there was one on this.

I would piss on him right now. But of course, that other guy on the plane is the small town mayor who apparently flew all the way from like wherever the fuck this is, but they're supposed to be. To DC to pick her up? Yeah, because he doesn't do any mayoring at any point in this entire fucking film. This film does not know what an American mayor does. It makes sense now because the guy's German, has no idea about America. At no point will this mayor...

do anything that a mayor would do. He just escorts around Lady... Okay, she's the Secretary of Agriculture, so I guess he would want to meet her, but he does no actual job at all. No. Right, no. He certainly wouldn't have six...

entire fucking days to devote to nothing but her video project. What are German mayors doing? They must have something like that. I don't think they have mayors anymore. They might be largely symbolic roles. I think like the mayor of like Darlington where I grew up, I think, I don't think that.

I really did anything apart from wear a big chain and meet people at like ribbon cutting events. So maybe he's used to a more symbolic kind of mayor. The mayor of Liverpool got arrested for embezzling. I like a dog mayor. When there's a dog mare, I'm like, this town fucking gets it. Right, that's the thing. They're like, yeah, how important can it be when there's occasionally a dog mare? You got dog mares in England, Marsh? Exclusively so. Such a long movie. So the plane lands and the...

Small town mayor guy is like, I was the small town mayor the whole time. And they're like, oh, how embarrassing. We were bad mouthing you. It is important that we give him a name, though, because they give him a name. It's Christian.

Christian Baker. And I assume he's refusing to make a gay wedding cake at some point in this film as well. Yeah, I'm sure. Basically the opposite of Heath Enright, if you think so. Yeah, right, right. So we've got... You and him fight on a mountain at the end of the movie. And Gloria.

And I don't want to hold things up too much. When the plane does land, they blur the tail number on the plane, but not very well. So you can just see exactly what the tail number is. And I looked it up on a flight tracker. I can see where that plane is right now if I decide to. Okay.

Good to know. But yeah, but then they all get into his pickup truck and there's not enough seats. So the cameraman, silent slob or whatever, has to sit in the back, right? Yeah, this is our silent character. Yeah. And we should point out that it's like... It's snowing. It's like freezing levels of cold. And they're like, you can sit in the back of the truck. I feel like that's torture or something. Right? Yeah. I like the back of a truck one.

So they arrive at the destination and the cameraman is very cold, trying to do some comedy bits with I'm Cold. without speaking though, right? And without anyone acknowledging his existence, right? So he gets off the truck, but the movie literally heads inside without him. Yeah, right. So this is where we're going to meet Christian's sister.

Carol. And her daughter. Yes, her daughter. The opening line is, how are you doing, Carol? How is Noel? So far we've had Gloria, Christian, we had a Nicholas early, we've got Carol, we've got Noel. I think the bad guy only, the camera guy only didn't get a name because they ran out of Christmas ones unless they went with, yes, one-horse Orton Smith, which I don't think they were going to. Tint soul. There's Mark the Herald Angels sing.

Yeah. Needed you on set. So yeah, but so Christian and Carol are chatting and Gloria apparently is as bored by their fucking conversation as I am.

So she's like, hey, can we wrap this the fuck up so I can check into my hotel room now? I didn't even know they were in a hotel. This is supposed to be like an inn, I guess. Or like a bed and breakfast. A bed and breakfast. It's just clearly somebody's house, but there's so many... fucking christmas decoration tiny little room the humans can barely fit they're all getting like poked in the eye with tinsel and stuff it's

Very distracting. The decorations in this whole film is insane. Like even back in her office, the Scrooge lady, her office is just filled with Christmas decorations. Covered in them. Every scene of this film will be stuffed with Christmas decorations. Like it's an advert for the decoration. Like see...

Yeah. It looks like Mrs. Claus was on an episode of Hoarders. That's what we're looking at. Yes. Yeah. And there's more in every scene, like fucking vampire survivors, but with Christmas decorations. Yeah. So and then she goes, she says, hey, what's the Wi-Fi password at this bed and breakfast? And Carol's like, oh, well, we don't have none of that fancy Wi-Fi here.

I'm like, when is this movie set? Yeah, because someone stole it all and gave it to New York. So, okay. So she goes into her hotel room and then we get Marsha's best worst. Okay. So, first of all, she looks at her... phone and it says the entire screen is covered with the words error, no cell service. Because you know how when you have no cell service, your entire phone is covered with a screen that says that? Yeah, rendering the whole thing completely unusual. Yeah, exactly.

But it does say if you need assistance, there is a phone number to call. which is already insane because you've just established that this warning is that you have no phone number. What's the phone number, Marshall? The phone number is 0100101001, et cetera, et cetera. It's really long. It's 40-digit binary code. Yeah, there's a reason. Those are just zeros and ones. So I opened a translator of binary to English. And when you translate it, you get J-E-S.

U.S. It's Jesus. Call Jesus. Amazing. Insane detail. And what's so fucking funny about it is that it. They had to go so far over their shoulder to scratch their ass on this, right? Because they were like, what would be a good Jesus number? And they obviously couldn't come up with one, right? They couldn't come. They did 316. That's too short or whatever. So they ended up with going with.

40 digits, all zeros and ones. Yeah. So I am fisted. I do not understand. How come the binary is so long? I thought it would be a fun, what would you call it? Easter strudel. put into the movie and the thing is when you put something like that in I assumed at some point she's gonna

need assistance because there's no cell service anywhere in this town and call that number and be granted some sort of miraculous help. And the latest, she will need assistance. She'll even have a car breakdown in the snow. She won't need to do that because she has cell service by then. So this doesn't pay off in any way. It's just an insane decision. Well, what's truly amazing is that she doesn't, when she breaks down, call on Jesus in the Christian fucking movie. Yeah, not at any point. Yeah.

But she wouldn't be able to because Jesus is on like. The T-Mobile network that has no bars here. He's riding in those weird ads with Billy Bob. He's wearing a hat to pretend he's not bald now. I used to hear about fucking Verizon fucking my wife while I was asleep.

What are these ads for, Billy? So, okay. So the next morning, Gloria shows up for breakfast at the bed and breakfast. And there's just this... fucking stupid, like she's a city girl and he's a country boy moment between her and Christian, the small town mayor. They don't have time in the country. Yeah, he shows up late and she's like, weren't we supposed to leave by nine? And he's like, oh, we're country folk here. We ain't real worried about when we leave. And I'm like.

She's the secretary of fucking agriculture. She has so much shit to do. You jackass. Yeah, they're so, so busy. Meanwhile, as they're at breakfast here, our silent camera guy is eating carrot sticks. For breakfast, like he's been freaky fried with a toddler, which might be why he can't speak. Oh, right. So that actor decided that that was the funniest shit in the world. So we will see like seven different times that character snacking on carrot stick.

Right? Like he was like, oh, that's going to be my whole thing. Watch. It'll be amazing. I also wanted to point out this stupid fucking line. He goes, Christian goes, city people always rushing, never getting anywhere. And I'm like, yeah, when's the last time a great human achievement happened in a city? Am I right? Fuck you.

But okay, so now that morning, they're going to take a school bus tour, right? Because apparently they managed to rent a school bus for this fucking movie. So everywhere they go is going to be on this school bus to go see these various... farms that they have to do viral videos at, right? Yeah. But this is so fucking sloppy. He goes, well, I'm going to drop off some friends of mine that are farmers along the way. I hope you don't mind.

And I'm like, why would they add this to the fucking movie? Then they get on the fucking bus and there's no one else on the fucking bus. Yeah, maybe she did mine. I don't know, because there's no one on that. We're not doing that. Well, but so here's what fucking happens because. then they're chatting and the script calls for another person on the bus to chime in.

So we see a lady pop up on a separate shot, right? Not with all these other characters. We see a lady pop up like a fucking whack-a-mole from behind one of the seats and go, well, you're the best mayor ever, and then just go back down. So they've shoehorned that line in. so that there could be somebody to tell him that later. It's so weird. Who is that lady? I don't know. We never see her again. No. I would give.

all of my worldly goods to be there when Simon walked into the writer's room and he was like, hello, my friends. First of all, I hope you enjoyed your morning cigarettes. I have come up with quite a joke, which is there will be a woman. On the bus unexpectedly. I will allow you to laugh now.

It's either that or they got to like the editing room and he realized that they didn't include the line where Christian says he won the election by 86% of the votes. 100% what happened? So nobody will know that. How do we do that? I know.

we can still get, we've still got the bus. We'll just hire this random person to say it and we'll just cut it in and we'll just, we'll ADR in the line where he says, I hope you don't mind that there's other people on the bus. Right, it's all explained now. Yeah.

There's an amazing bit to this as well, because he's explaining how he got 86% of the vote. And I assume it was just vote rigging, because even Vladimir Putin would be like, 86% is a bit ridiculous, actually. Tone it down a little bit. But no, his secret to winning was all shucks. Just like to be very awashucks at all times. Like I'm a small town mayor. That's what like got him to win. And he goes on at length about this and then says, so really, I try to listen more than I talk. It's like...

You're saying that at the end of like an unbroken three-minute monologue, mate. You don't do that. Yeah, but she explains that she doesn't have time to listen to every whiny citizen about their problems. She's got important shit to do.

So then we go to the first of the many farms that we're going to go to so she can meet all these salt of the earth people. Now, for some reason, they had this character say, oh, yeah, this is an old friend of mine from school. And then they show up and the guy's like 30 years older than. It's wild. He was the groundskeeper.

And the first thing that guy who's playing the friend, the farmer says is, you got any idea what I'm supposed to be doing in these videos? And I'm pretty sure that was a question from the actor, not the character. 100%. We'll keep that in. We'll keep it in. And we learn here, of course, that everyone in town sure loves Mayor Chris and that Gloria sure is grossed out by farmness. That's gross. Yeah.

So the farmer says, so what do you want me to do in the video? She's like, well, just walk back and forth over here. And he's like, like a target in one of them shooting games at the fair. And she's like, yes, believe it or not. Yes. Yes. And then she does the intro in the video and we watch him just.

pacing angrily. Yeah. So good. I'm doing the script, doing the script, doing the script. Left, doing the script, doing the script. And she's the secretary of agriculture. It's like just, we have to keep in mind that this is a really high level cabinet position. all of this yeah it's amazing and there's a really small detail because then we're going to start filming her having a chat to him and when the camera starts rolling the battery

on the camera. They put an overlay on the camera of like the battery and the time and things. And it's very clearly full at the start of the shoot when they start rolling. And they interview this guy for 90 seconds and the battery visibly dropped to about 80%. And it's only 90 seconds in. And I thought, that is going to be a massive issue for your whole filming plans for the entire day. And this...

This battery, every time we do a shoot, this battery is going to give me anxiety. Me too much. It's rough. Oh my God. Yeah. That was like a horror movie. This fucking battery warning light. Yeah. So but despite telling the guy that she didn't need him to say anything, she starts the video and immediately starts asking him questions. And she's like, how is our administration made your life easier as a farmer? And he's like, I was told to just walk back and forth. I'm not ready for this.

Told there wouldn't be talking. Right. Right. But then, you know, but he's like, oh, I think your guys are doing real bad. I don't think you listen to us. I don't like this administration, et cetera. And she's like, well, that didn't work. And the mayor says, well, you know, it's just too many regulations and all these silly laws that don't mean anything. That's his actual line. Yes, it is. Right. He says there's too many regulations and silly laws that don't mean. What a.

idiotic worldview to think that the problem American farmers have is too much government regulation in their industry. Yes. Jesus fucking Christ. So I was watching the videos, the memorial videos of the Charlie Cook. And I believe that the problem that the farmers are not liking is... Things being organized and knowing them. So that is what our farmers would be about in the movie film. Cool. Hey, your girlfriend asked me to get her cigarettes. Do you want to grab it? I told her. Caroline.

You must stop asking. It's fine. It's those candy cigarettes. It's fine. I mean, not fine. Look off, man. She deserves a smoke. Don't you? Will you not get involved in this? So... So there's also this great moment where Gloria turns to the mayor, Mayor Chris, and she's mad at him. She says, I think I'll sit in the back of the bus on the way.

home. Then we cut to the bus and she's sitting in the same place as before because they can't light the back of the bus without the lights being visible. Amazing. It's now. pitch black outside of the bus. So either they filmed for a very long time with this guy or they had to drive a very long way to get because it was morning when they set off. It's now pitch black. All they've done is film 90 seconds and that's the entire day gone.

This is the wastefulness of big government. Or they're so far north that the days are only 45 minutes long. Which would explain a lot. Yeah, it actually would. Yeah, that's true. So but as they're driving back, though, this is so stupid. As they're driving back on the bus, we see that Jill and Gloria are editing all the don'ts and nots out of.

the video that they got with that farmer guy. So where he said, I don't support your administration. He's now saying, I support your administration. Press the deceptive edit tool. It's on the top left. The tool for that is on the left. It's got a picture of Kamala Harris. I want to point out, you can't actually do that with...

audio editing and make it not sound fucking weird. This is video. Could you imagine the guy just skips every few seconds of his conversation? This is a four camera shoot of this. All right. So the next morning, Chris shows up to pick him up for more touring in the school bus. But we should point out, too, we haven't mentioned yet that one of the subplots of this movie will be that Gloria is always wildly underdressed for the cold weather.

Oh my God, yeah, it was driving me mad. She's in like a little short dress. It is snow up to your ankles and you're in a little short dress. Who has dressed this lady? And she's Secretary of Agriculture. She's meant to be at least hypothetically an intelligent person, but she can't figure out. out after the first couple of days, maybe I should put more claws on. It's fucking freezing. Yeah. Drop me mad.

She's always dressed in the things that nobody buys from a Land's End catalog. She's not even wearing a coat. She has coats. We've seen her with coats. She's not wearing one. She's leaving without a coat. To be clear, she's coming from Washington, D.C. They have winter.

there and they're in Tennessee. So it's like if anything warmer there, it doesn't make any sense. None of it makes sense. So but they're on the bus and this is where she starts explaining to Mayor Chris that she actually doesn't really like being secretary of agriculture. Because farmers suck. And she's, quote, already applied for another position. This is day two of a job, isn't it? Yes!

This is fucking Scaramucci would be like, well, give it a shot. The movie thinks the federal government is made of like competing corporations called the cabinet that like fight. Yes, right. And like have recruiting wars and stuff. I guess. So, okay. So now she goes to this other farmer. This is the farmer that's going to get mad and storm out at her, right?

But when we first meet him, he's going over the contract, the filming contract. And he's like, hold on here. It says that you have the right to edit so that I say the things in the script. What's that there mean? Right. Jill lies to him at this point. She says, oh, we're just going to cut out some ums and ams. Ams? You couldn't think of er?

Yeah, she says, that's just lawyer talk, except he reads exactly what it says, and it is not lawyer talk. It's a very normal English sentence. Totally understandable. Yeah, 100% easily understandable. Also, you're going to cut out the verb to be. When I say it, that's craziness. Ridiculous. Yeah. But then she starts talking to him and he is not into their administration at all. It just tells her off for not paying attention to the little man.

And again, I know this is just because Simon was fucking desperately translating his script from a German to English dictionary, but there's this amazing moment where he's like, this government's done nothing but harm me. I don't need them to leave me alone. And also give me a small interest loan. He goes, I don't want the actual line in the fucking movie is quote. I don't want a government handout. I just want guaranteed low-interest loans.

Unreal. And then he storms off. And I'm like, hey, maybe you vet these farmers beforehand for supporting your political party or something. But no, they can't be asked to do that. So now she's going to storm off and stand poutily beside the bus.

Oh, the Ursa Major Logistics bus. It's very clearly written on the side of the bus. Ursa Major Logistics. Every time this bus is in shot, we see that. We see its fucking phone number. I looked it up. It is genuinely their phone number. I think they got this bus for free, but we're guaranteeing a certain amount.

A million percent. Yep. Absolutely. So yeah, but so she's standing over by the bus doing her advertising when a sad little girl shows up to help put all this into perspective because... Played by Simon's girlfriend. Yeah. But she explains that she's starving to death and her dad had to sell all her Christmas presents to pay for the lights. It ramps up so fast. It's so crazy. The little girl walks over. She's like, my dad was crying last night.

Gloria has to be like, oh, that's sad. We're going to starve soon. Oh, shit. I have baby cancer. Anyway, you want to hug my doll? If you're sad, you should hug my doll. My leg just fell off. Honestly, it's so weird as well because they didn't...

that the farmer had a daughter. Yeah. So I just saw a little creepy girl coming up and talking to her about her dad being sad. And it took me a while to put the two and two together because it feels like it's a different scene entirely. It's so badly made, this movie. Well, so what happened to me is I realized it was supposed to be...

his daughter, but because the only thing we saw this guy do was scream at a woman he didn't know and storm off. I was assuming they were setting up that the dad hit her or something. Yes. Right? Yeah, yeah, I can see that too. Which also like, okay, so he really- that he didn't have enough money to pay the electricity bill. Seems like something you could see coming. And so his solution was to sell the fucking Polly Pocket play sets.

I had a brother-in-law that would hawk my niece's video game systems when he needed drugs or whatever. That's not a sympathetic character to me. And certainly not one who we want to be rewarded with. Awarded for that behavior later in the movie. So we're going to see this guy in like a pretty fancy new truck later in the movie. And it's like, hey, man, sell the truck, probably. Right. Sell the truck, not the kid's presence. So many other ways to get there. Yeah.

Sell your holes. Kill yourself. Spoilers for the movie, Heath. God. So that evening... Mayor Chris takes Gloria to the only diner in town to discuss tomorrow's itinerary. This is not a diner. It's such a sad little cafe. It's so bad. This is a coffee shop that has boba on the menu. And I was like, that's weird. Okay.

I like boba tea. But before they can get into the brews and bait diner, mmm, tasty. They pull up and they see the angry farmer guy from earlier. Now, apparently he's got to sell these. these Christmas presents. So he's just going door to door in the middle of the night asking random people what they'll give him for the Polly Pocket. He's on the sidewalk on the street just being like, hey, he's hulking it.

I got two. I got two Polly Pockets. He needs two. Yeah. Just on the inside of his court. Yeah. It opens his court. It's just the lining is filled with Polly Pockets. Yeah. You guys want a Marvin's Magic drawing board? So yeah, and then he wants, so the mayor is like, I'll buy that Polly pocket playset. And I'm like, why not just give him some money, you asshole? Let the kids get their pockets.

Now, I want to point out that this is a long con because later they can give the presents to the kids. But it still means that you take the kids' presents away for more than a month so that you could show up on Christmas and be like, I had these in my house so I could surprise. Does the dad feel awful about not being able to give his kids and make the kids feel bad knowing that they're not going to get any presents? It's a dick move.

Yeah, it is. And then the guy walks away. And of course, this movie at least knows its audience well enough to know, well, they're probably thinking he's just a lazy fuck and fuck that guy for not having enough money. So they have to have Mayor Chris. I think the movie is saying that like. He wouldn't want to take a handout, so you got to let him sell the toys because he's salt of the earth man who didn't sell toys.

God, I think you're fucking right. Yeah. A real farmer would just go and take his children's toys away and like he would say it was perhaps Krampus for them not to do that. The hyphen soul. Hey, the principal's calling. Not again. But there's this moment here where like, you know, Mayor Chris turns to Gloria and say, you know, I'd love to tell you that it's just because he didn't. He was careless with his money, but it's not a problem with his bootstraps. He's a white man.

You know? Yeah. So we can have sympathy with him. He says, quote, he just budgeted based on promises. And I wrote, OK, so he did, in fact, mismanage his money. Well, right. That's what we've established. Yeah. So now they go inside the diner where they are the only customers. And I have to point out this diner scene because nothing happens in this diner scene, but they order and then the actor who plays the waiter tells them the specials.

Yes. She's like, I'll have a burger. And she's like, I'll have a sandwich. And she's like, our special tonight is salmon. Do you want that too? Also? I wrote in my notes, was Heath the last customer English? Also, the specialty, she says, is some bean soup. And she emphasizes the sum like it's a type of bean soup. Like, oh, there's some bean soup. We have a lorem ipsum stew. That doesn't make sense. And you say that this scene doesn't accomplish anything.

Already in this scene, she has completely changed her character. Gloria McWinter has now completely changed her character. Her heart's been completely melted. She's forgotten everything she was about previously. She's no longer a Scrooge and never will be again. That was it. I thought, we're done. Right, because she saw him buy the toys. She doesn't even know he's going to give them back yet.

No. Maybe she just likes a bargain. She's like, okay, yeah, that's fair. That's smart. When they're down, you get a good markup on that. So, okay. But then she asks his backstory, and it is the next dumbest backstory after Raised by Wolves. Right. This is where he goes. He says, well, you know, actually, I graduated the top of my class at Harvard Law. I'm like, oh, give me a fucking break. OK. Is that the one in New Hampshire?

I know that Harvard Law is just stupid people code for smart people. But you have to understand, podcast listener, that saying you graduated top of your class at Harvard Law is like saying, I spent Thanksgiving at... Marsha's house. Unless you're related to someone there, no, you fucking didn't. But it's an absolutely insane decision. She's surprised that he did law at all, which like...

He is mayor. So like he might have some educational background. He's got to like a position thing. But like, no, he went to Harvard Law and he wanted to go there. in order to see what it was like and then come back. So his plan, this genius mayor's plan, was to go to one of the most expensive law schools in America, the most prestigious law schools in America, incur a monumental amount of debts and then go back home to...

Rutherford, Tennessee, where the Ursa Major bus company is based. And that's his career decision. Yes. Insane. Yeah, exactly. Simon's girlfriend had a hookup at the bus company. Yeah, it must be.

So we should point out too, by the way, that during the course of this conversation, he mentions God like four times as though he's trying to make up for lost gam justification there. Yes. And Gloria doesn't acknowledge it the way I do when someone brings up God in conversation, right? Like you ever talking to someone? And they go, and you're like, how you doing? And they're like, God is good. And you're like, moving on. That's what she does. Yeah, she does 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's awesome.

So, okay. So then they finish their dinner. He drops her off at the hotel. And this scene is hardly worth talking about. It's just the scene where like she starts to go upstairs and he starts talking with his sister who runs the bed and breakfast about what he really thinks of her.

Well, the other thing that's worth pointing out is the sister has gone away and organized a Wi-Fi router with a satellite connection and has memorized the specs of it. I bought a Wi-Fi router. It reaches up to the heaven where Jesus means. She's like, cool.

Thanks. And she's like, do you want to ask Jesus a question for me? And she says, no, she doesn't need the Wi-Fi anymore. It's like, well, well, fuck you, I guess. Like that must have cost so much time and effort for this lady. And you don't even want it. And also she does need the Wi-Fi. It's so stupid. She does. She does. You're the secretary of agriculture. And if that was possible, it's because of the rural broadband thing that Democrats did that's getting fucked now.

Yeah, right, right. Well, this is satellite connections, so this is Elon Musk. This is directly into Starlink. But of course, what we're supposed to be learning here is that she's losing her city ways of needing access to the internet. To do her fucking job, her serious fucking job in government. Yes, her very serious job.

But then she goes to go upstairs and then Chris has a conversation with Carol, his sister, about what he really thinks of her, right? What he really thinks of Gloria. And this is, first of all, the writer just tells us what they're going for with this character. Yeah. But also like.

She's right fucking there. Like, this is not one of those, she walked back into the room and they didn't realize it. She just hasn't walked all the way up the stairs yet. She is so close that Chris can almost certainly see up her tiny skirt. That is exactly where she is. where the sister...

first of all, explains that she's got a master's in economics. Yes. So like, what is it with this? She worked on Wall Street. What is it with this family? Now she's mismanaging the world's most overly decorated B&B. This is the family of a crazy child's lives. It's a mentally ill child's lies. The family. Also, they're idiots. Like these two people should both. They were on Wall Street and a Harvard lawyer. They should.

Go make a bunch of money and then come back to this town and fucking give it to the farmers. Sure. If that's what's important to them. Effective altruism. Well, Sam Bankman freed. Maybe you've heard of him. He's awesome. If you were paying attention to the movie, she did go. work for a year on Wall Street, but then she realized she didn't have a person in the world who cared about her. So she became a podcaster. Shut up.

All right, well, it looks like things are turning around, but still standing still. So I guess we've earned a fucking break, but we'll be back in a minute with even more of A Law for Christmas. Hey, podcast listener. As you know by now, this year, I had the amazing idea of getting No Illusions, the limited edition Pac-Man Lego set with the light kit add-on. I told you he was going to talk about it on the air. Yep, you did say that. But then... I got it.

In an act of spite, Heath hacked into my Amazon account and saw what I did and got Noah the same gift. Not what happened. I just got it first. Now, podcast listener. There's no need to let this happen to you because you can purchase an Aura Frame. Okay, what's an Aura Frame? Really, Marsh? Really? Well, you know, it's near the end of the year and I've got to get these last ones in. An Aura Frame is a digital picture frame that allows you to download unlimited videos and pictures.

Just download the Aura app and connect to Wi-Fi. I don't know, Eli. What if my family isn't so good with technology? No worries, Noah. You can set up the Aura frame for them while it's still in the box. All they have to do is open it up and plug it in. Amazing. It is amazing. Like, my gift idea was amazing. Okay. And for a limited time, save on the perfect gift by visiting AuraFrames.com to get $35 off Aura's best-selling Carver Matt Frames, named number one by Wirecutter.

by using promo code AWFUL at checkout. That's A-U-R-A frames dot com. Promo code AWFUL. This deal is exclusive to listeners and frames sell out fast. So order yours now and get it in time for the holidays. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. All right, Eli. Thanks. Aura frames. Heath probably won't steal pictures of your family. You guys do Christmas weird. They do everything weird, man. Acker. Hi.

I'm Rusty Bickins, and I'm running for mayor of Goose Noose. Who gives a fuck? You know, in times like these, folks want someone who cares about our children. Someone who's willing to listen. not bring big government into our homes, which is why every single one of my policies will come straight from our children. Wait, what? The fat cats in Washington want to tell your babies what to do, but me?

I want to know what your babies need straight from them. Nope. That's not how you're supposed to do it. This spring, we'll be announcing a brand new initiative to get more animal crackers into more homes and put Paw Patrol on the iPad. What? Not sure what that means, but our children know what they need. And I'm a public servant. Not actually how that works at all. So if you're tired of being pushed around by big knowing things and collective information, vote for me, Rusty Biggins.

Because Goo Goo Gaga is what our nation was founded on. Okay. And we're back for more of this shit. And apparently our heroes have run out of farms that they can drive to. Because now we're going to join them at the airport flying to the next farm.

Right. I thought she was flying home again. I also thought she was flying home. And it was just as she found her pants for the cold weather and then she was flying home. So yeah, this is where I actually realized it was Tori Martin because he has some schtick as they're taxiing the plane around.

Yeah, he's doing his... He's the fucking worst. Is he a nice guy? He contacted us and... We know people who know him and we made him sad. Well, he's doing his bits here while they taxi the plane and he's not looking in front of the plane while that's happening. and I was like, he's crashing something. I want a plane to land on them. I don't know. I want a pilot that looks forward a lot. Like a lot of the time. So they have this chat. Chris and Gloria have this chat on the plane.

where Gloria explains that she actually always dreamed of running a bed and breakfast when she was a kid. fuck you didn't. Yeah, and isn't it the kind of the why she hates Christmas kind of speech? Eventually, yeah. Yeah, it's like the dead dad in the chimney from Gremlins, except it's like a shed and really badly done. Such a great. goddamn scene. Such a weird aspiration, like be a postal officer or something, like stamp some envelopes. Dentist or something, yeah. Get a play set.

It's way more fun than you can possibly imagine. It's the number one toy here in the UK for decades. That doesn't surprise me at all. So, yeah, but her parents sure had a rough time being poor. This is where she starts going. And again, the same idiot that said, well, Harvard Law School, well, worked on Wall Street. They were being tasked now with coming up with their sad backstory. So, of course.

Her dad was so poor that he killed himself from the poverty. Okay. Well, did he kill himself? She's not certain. Okay. They're not sure that he killed himself. Anybody could have hung him in that shed, okay? I thought it was going to be that the mum killed him for the insurance money. Oh, good backstory. But no. He was aware of a lot of Jeffrey Epstein's activities. So it makes sense. The NYPD gave us one ninth of a tape of his life that night. So I'm pretty sure.

Pretty sure he did it by himself. So she says, yeah, she says she found him dead, but there were questions about whether it was suicide, but he had insurance that paid off the mortgage, right? And while she's having this conversation, Christian like puts a hand on her leg, like a sympathetic hand on her leg because the movie has decided that they are now a romantic item. We have seen. nothing between these two characters or actors to suggest that.

Right? So at this point, it's just sexual harassment. Yes. There's more established sexual tension between Heath and I than the two protagonists. Well, that's a silly example. Terrible example. Doesn't even make sense. And the thing is, this is meant to be her like having a change of heart and finding herself against her.

We aren't even an hour into the movie. And I assume this is like the hard-nosed corporate lawyer from the big city goes to a little town and finds herself and she's already done that now. Yes. We're an hour in. It's a two-hour movie. What the fuck is going to happen for an hour and 20 minutes? We're just... That's the second interstitial for fuck's sake. Yes. Yeah. I wrote so many times in my notes. How is there still X time amount? Yeah. I've written that a lot as well.

So, and also, by the way, so during this conversation, she explains how her dad killed herself. And then she starts talking about her, how her and her mom don't talk anymore because they had a fight about Jesus. So stupid. This will never be resolved. No, it's just the clunkiest possible slightly new characterization of this character from the big city. She's like, my mom said I forgot my local heartland values. And I think she might be.

Right. Yes. Anyway, I'm on a path of atheist destruction and there's no hope. Yeah. But I mean, this is... They're falling in love. They're sharing their stories. This is a really tender moment between just the two of them, definitely just the two of them in this totally private moment that they're having.

Okay. And then like the intro to Sean of the fucking dead, we back away and we realized that during this entire conversation where he's got his hand on her leg and they're talking about her tragic backstory. Jill and the cameraman have been sat facing them.

Yeah, like inches away the entire time. Because it's such a small plane. They're basically, they've got to be touching knees this entire time. I don't even know that it was his hand on her leg. It might have been Jill. It's hard to hop in when someone's telling this. story of their dad's suicide, right? It's hard to be like, well, not if you're Tori fucking Martin, right? Not if you're Tori fucking Martin. You trying to start a threesome right now during the suicide story?

Because they land and Tori Martin goes like, by the way, I sure enjoyed your personal conversation that I was listening to. And she's like, about my dead father? And he's like, ooh. He says. That was like an episode of Days of Our Lives. Hey, if I overheard someone describing a family member's suicide and I said that was like an episode of Days of Our Lives, I better be trying to start a fight with them. To the death. Yes. I better be trying to do suicide via passerby. Right. Yes. Okay.

So then we get, now this movie, I almost went with best worst montages because this movie will have about 21 montages that are 18 seconds long. where a song will start and they'll be like, well, fuck, how could you make a whole montage out of that? And then it'll just stop.

Yeah, this first montage happens and I'm like, oh, well, if we're going to have a montage, I'll make some fake AI photos of Marsh, which is my new hobby, by the way. And I didn't have time to generate any fake AI photos of Marsh. short all the montage. You are the real victim of this film. You're absolutely, absolutely. So she talks to another farmer, but this time she's like really listening for a change.

because she's been transformed in the diner scene. I don't fucking know. Okay, but the battery is so close to zero. Oh God, it really is. It's so gorgeous. I was like, please turn off. If this battery goes out, I'm allowed to quit the movie. I'm quitting the movie if this battery goes out.

It's six minutes of footage. They've only got up to six minutes and it's like the battery's almost gone. Yeah. And the guy they're filming here, there's a guy called Jack. He is doing his backstory monologue, but he's got it memorized and he's delivering it like it's an oral exam for a language he does. doesn't actually speak. So he just memorized the sounds and hoping that will get him through. Yes. And part of it is explaining the damaging effects of freak weather conditions on small farmers.

And I presume he's explaining this to an audience that 100% don't believe climate change. Yeah, right. So this is lost on them. Right. Well, but so, and the thing is, is that this movie is supposed to be about how the, you know, the Washington DC insiders never.

take the time to actually learn what the farmer's real problems are, which is rich because the movie never bothered to find out what farmer's real problems were. Nope. Right. Because now it's time for them to listen to the farmer and for the farmer to explain. what the real problems are. And all this movie's got is like, well, you know, sometimes there's bad weather. Yeah. And then we get less crops and then we have less money. And then Gloria's like, okay, important follow-up.

What's your number one Christmas wish? Yeah. This is the secretary of agriculture, just as a reminder. And this farmer is like, I want to... Decorate my house with Christmas lights. Well, okay. Also feed my kids because we're starving. I guess that's number two. After the lights. I want to be clear. It was crazy I said that second, right? Can we cut? Heath is not exaggerating.

number one wish is for the only un-Christmas decorated room in the movie so far to be Christmas decorated. The one thing we know this movie has a surfeit of is Christmas decorations. Where's Carol and Christmas decorations? with those at this point. And his number two wish is to save his family.

It is such an insane thing that you ask him that question. I really want her follow-up in this hard-hitting kind of interview to be like, and if you have to be an animal, what animal would you choose? What's your wife? Thai food or Indian? Gross. But as she's saying this, Jill is flabbergasted because she's gone off script or whatever.

And there's like, you know, as he's in, he's explaining that, well, what he really needs is access to good farm equipment. Why? That would save the day. And there's like rising strings in the background telling us that the teen center is going to be taken back from the developers before. right he even says not even santa could do that yeah

He says he wants to leave this farm to his children and grandchildren after he just finished monologuing about how it is a complete failure. I'll leave it to them if they survive. My number two wish was they survive. my top five. So, and then, okay, now we're going to have dinner at Jack's place, which is a goddamn...

cracker barrel kitchen or something. The fire in this scene is so fucking loud. It is. It's so loud. And also it's snowing outside the window, but snowing specifically from the top left corner of the window very aggressively. It might as well still see someone's hand throwing. Yes, exactly. I would like to make fun of the child with the speech impediment. I would like you not to. I had to pause.

And this is an eight hour movie. You don't have time to be pausing. I had to pause. I was filled with self-hatred every time I paused this movie. But he's doing the typical. I mean, I can't say typical because everything in this movie is worse than everything else. But he's like, oh, Jesus. That's the reason for the season. And then out of nowhere, this girl is like, Grandpa, it's snowing outside. I was like, okay.

Not a single human took her aside and said, hey, maybe you're like Chris the cameraman and you just sort of act with your eyes, huh? Okay, but they gave her a three beat and I was dying. They do that and I was like, oh, that's a child who doesn't talk great okay that's fine that's fine and they give her a second one and then I was like okay are you gonna hit that yes they will they give her a third one I THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE PASS THE SUCK ATTACK!

Well, OK, but also what she's ultimately saying here, because because every time anyone says anything, Jack has to make it about how miserable it is for the farmers. And I'm like, if you're that much of a fucking bummer, get a different goddamn job. But ultimately, the granddaughter, she's like, well, I don't know. why we can't invest together in some sort of collective Soviet of some sort that shares tractor costs among the community. Yeah.

And this was the first indication of what will be the proposed resolution to this whole problem, which is socialism. We'll just pitch all these small farmers on socialism and be like, oh, that's a good idea. Strong unions, co-ops, yeah. Just Heath and Ezra Klein standing behind the camera doing big nods. That's right. You're inventing something right now. Yes, you are.

You thought of something brand new. Keep going. You're on a roll. You got an abundance of fucking Christmas decorations. Maybe you deal with other stuff. I don't know. I don't know. But yeah, the suggestion made by the little girl, it's like, you sure. Cracker. And then this old farmer is like, no. Yes. I don't like that. We don't like sharing. Fuck my neighbors.

the reason they have to share a tractor. She says, why don't you get a new tractor? And he says, we can't, sweetie. Like, we can't have a new tractor. New tractors cost more than the average home, he says, which is an insane way of phrasing that to your grandkid. Like, does she know the property?

prices in the area like what the median is of the land around there so okay so after dinner Gloria and Chris go for a walk out in the snow and this is this movie's like desperate effort to say no no they're in love now get it Right? Because they have like a snowball fight. Okay. Yeah. I almost went with best worst snowball fight. Now look.

I know I'm on a podcast with Heath Enright who would absolutely pack a rock in there and it is bright to be in the temple because he's in it to win it. And got mad at me the other day. These actors are both so clearly the prudest. most don't mess up my makeup assholes you've ever met. So they just take a quarter of a handful of snow and chuck it gently at the other one's already waterproof boots. And then they scream, that's enough and yell out, stop off camera.

fake snow that doesn't pack together it's shit yeah it's so bad it is great that it's fake snow because she introduced it by saying I haven't seen real snow like this in a long time it's not real snow is it And so and then but that night she has an idea, right? So she grabs her laptop and she starts working real hard.

Okay. I was like, oh, she's taking out the laptop. Nice. And then she does, I was like, oh, porn. She's going to take out porn because they had like a sexually charged moment there with a snowball fight and a little bit of tickling and, you know, but nothing happened. Right. We go back to separate rooms. She pops out the laptop and I was like, okay, sweet. And then she does so much typing. And I was like, all right, you just need the letter P, right? Come on.

Weird. It's okay. But the next morning at breakfast, she explains her big breakthrough, right? Communism. She suggests a big farmer's union. It would guarantee low cost rentals. And then everybody's like. Yeah, that's a great idea. It's okay. So now they're going to leave. We get Tori Martin's plane farting its way onto the screen. And as they're waiting for the plane, she's on the phone trying to get anybody in D.C. to care about these local farmers.

Right. Yeah. So she really got around that lack of self-service, like self-service. That was such a major point earlier. Right. Every time she's on the phone, it's totally fine. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Well, she called Jesus, I'm sure. But then underscoring once again how little they understand the job that they've given this character.

Chris goes, well, I know a guy who makes farmers. I met him at Harvard. And I'm like, yeah, it would be really hard for the secretary of agriculture to get a hold of a guy who makes tractors for a living if she didn't have an in from her fucking boyfriend. He tells her to Google his company. Yeah, right. They don't even have it. Like he doesn't even have the guy's number. Why wouldn't you just have him have the guy's number?

Honestly, it's so crazy because like when she's trying to put this whole plan together, she tells Jill that Jill needs to go away and put together a list of manufacturers of agricultural machinery and a list of farmers. It's like you are the secretary of agriculture. If you don't have either of those lists, how are you doing your job? Jill should just be sending you an email with a link to the shared drive at this point. Right? But yeah, so she calls this guy, Mr. Wesley, the tractor maker.

Yeah, he was the lawyer in And God Made Man. He was the lawyer in the school's principal's office. Oh, was he? Yeah, he was. Yeah, the last scam film that I watched. Oh, okay. Same guy. So yeah, but so they have a discussion where like she ropes him in to help out with her plan on the co-ops. Right. She explains, she's like, she says, and I quote, there's a crisis involving small family owned farmers.

It's great as well because he isn't impressed that she was trying to talk to him, but because Christian put them in touch and he knows Christian from Harvard, even though he's 40 years older than Christian, which means that this guy who runs a tractor company... Wasn't impressed with speaking to the secretary of agriculture. No, but the word of a small town mayor was enough that carried weight with this guy. Clearly. Also, sorry, I just paused for a second during this scene and...

I see the image. Tim, you have to share this on the face. We see Christian Baker, Mayor Christian, and he's facing the plane and Gloria's on the phone facing the other direction. He is, first of all, peeing into the plane, right? That is the posture of what's happening there in real life. Also, I think he might be a Muppet and not a human because his legs are broken and spun around the wrong way.

What actually happened? I know we're all having a fun time on our comedy podcast, but I'm looking at this. I don't know how he stood up at that point. Like his knee shouldn't be able to do that. I was watching his legs the rest of the movie terrified that they were just going to explode. This was like something like when you slow down a terrible football injury or something.

Joe Theismann. Yeah. I think his butt faces forward, though. So the peeing is actually confusing because they're totally flipped. Yeah, right. There's no butt there to speak of, too. So, okay, but on the phone, she ultimately agrees with the tractor guy to meet at the Bruin Bait Diner tomorrow at noon because apparently that's where all the tractor stuff happens. It's so stupid. She's just like, I'll give you one government deal for...

You rent us tractors. And then you rent us tractors. And he's like, deal. We need a diner to hammer out the details. Yep. It's okay. So, but then after that, Chris invites her to. dinner at his sister's place. So then we cut to her like, you know, choosing a dress for her big date. She goes with the sexy black one. Okay, which is arguably more modest than most of her regular work attire. And certainly more like weather appropriate than everything that's going on here.

During her getting ready, she empties her handbag into like just a bigger canvas bag. I don't know. Is that meant to be meaningful in some way? Like she's abandoning the fanciness, but it doesn't matter because what she empties out.

That is not the contents of a woman's handbag at all. There should be at least six different hair ties, like two packets of tissues, four lipsticks, three half-open packets of chewing gum, and an expired loyalty card for a store that closed down before the pandemic. If there's no other things in there, that is not a real handbag.

Absolutely. Absolutely. I wish it was more socially acceptable for me to carry handbags. Like I would have a bunch of cool shit in there. Like I think that'd be a useful thing. Fanny pack, man. It's all yours. Yeah, those aren't socially acceptable either. They should be. They're awesome. It's all Seinfeld's fault. We should all have purses or, you know, fanny packs. Bullshit. So, and then we get...

the only indication we will ever get in this movie that anything that they filmed wasn't used in the final cut. Because at this point, she shows up at Carol's place. She has a gallon jug of store-bought lemonade with a bow around it.

Right, like it was a bottle of fucking wine. She presents it to Carol, the sister, and Carol goes, well, I've seen this lemonade before. This is a reference to something that was cut from the film. I can only assume so. Oh, I assumed I was in psychosis. Every one of us is like... What the fuck is happening? Okay, literally, Chris, the character, is like, hey, did I miss something? And I was like, yeah, man.

What the fuck? Did I miss something, Chris? Yeah. And this is where we meet Carol's husband. Yes. Rudolph. Rudolph. Come on. Fuck yeah. They're going to run out of Christmassy names. I want the next character to be called Herr Sinty Claus. All right, well, I'll tell you what, this movie isn't sophisticated enough for shit like Axe, but we still do need a break. So we're going to take one right after I give Axe the rest of this shit the hard sell. How is there still an hour left in this movie?

Are they going to set up any stakes that they don't diffuse one scene later? What do they think movies do? Find out the answers to the less esoteric of these questions when we return for the increasingly ridiculous conclusion of... A law for Christmas. So you sure Noah and Lucinda won't mind us dropping in? Oh, not at all. Yeah, it's not a problem. Hey guys, come on in. See? One second, I'll get some drinks.

Oh, wow. No, it is extremely cold in here. Yeah, Noah's got an old guy house. It looks like the thermostat is set to 11 degrees. 11? Wow, he's warming it up. Totally. Nice. How are you guys not freezing? Oh, well, we got winter wear from Quince. What's Quince? Damn it. Hot chocolate or tea? Oh, tea, please. Coming right up. Quince has what I need, like Mongolian cashmere sweaters.

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It was when I poured it. Right. Yeah. All right, folks. Here we are. Thanks for flying. Thank you. Oh, yeah. Of course. Of course. And... Let me tell you, that conversation was like an episode of Days of Our Lives. Sorry, what? It was really entertaining. I was telling him about my father's suicide. Oh.

No, it was sad. I just meant it was interesting to hear. It's a crazy thing to say to someone. I meant it as a compliment. How could that possibly be a compliment? My uncle got AIDS. What are you doing? I thought if I shared, we'd be even. Even for what? You know what? Never mind. Just call me when you want to use the plane again. Yeah, we will. That was so rude. Fucking trying to make conversation. Well, you did a bad job, man.

And we're back for still more of this shit. And we're going to rejoin the action. We haven't mentioned this yet, but she's talked a bunch about a big meeting at Town Hall where she's going to announce her communism idea. Yes. So we're going to rejoin the action there with everybody packing in. This is a classic gam everyone packing in. They've got like nine extras and they're going to try to make them look like a big crowd. Everybody has been instructed to sound like two people.

Oh, yeah. It's like a sketch that Eli rolled. Do you mind? Yeah. Rabble, rabble. Rabble, rabble. I'm two people. I'm two people. One extra is I shit you not. One guy is just humming in a talking case. Also, they've chosen this weird dynamic where Christian Baker, the mayor, is standing and she is sitting center stage on a stool like she's going to do a ping pong show. It is bizarre.

Yeah. And so she she shows up and she's like, you know, I want to talk to you guys about the big government. They're like, boo, we hate big government. So she has the rising strings. I've learned to hear something here today. Moment. Yeah, she's been listening hard to what the issue is. And she now understands that their problem is not enough money.

That is the problem that she's figured out. And I really hope that her solution was to propose a heist. We've got a dozen people together. Who's the specialist here? Who wants to be the grease man? I also wanted them to cut over the White House once. And I was just like, what the f***?

fuck is she doing there for like three weeks? She's the secretary of agriculture. She's in one little town. We need her back here to run her goddamn department. Yeah, exactly. Well, she's fired. But she explains that they're going to form a co-op. And everyone will be really excited about that until someone calls it socialism. Right. Yes. And we should point out to like the.

She gives us an excruciating detail, like how this is going to work, who's going to pay for it and everything. Like the movie was actually a hope. Like the whole thing was just a Trojan horse to pitch us on this idea or something. Yeah. At one point, she accidentally wanders into slavery, though, in her little plan, right? She starts in socialism and she's like, you would all be servants, indentured ones for a time until you had paid off. We would have a sort of companies.

where you could all, oh, you look upset. Yeah, and you'd get a say, not a full say, but you get a proportion of a say. Hey, whatever works. Like, does Iowa want us to hire a blonde lady to explain democratic socialism as kind of slavery-ish for farms? I don't know. Whatever works. Right. I don't care. I love to the spontaneity of the applause at the end. Right. Because like one guy from the crowd, no one says anything. One guy goes.

Well, this might actually change something. And then everyone starts clapping at the exact same seconds. Yeah. Oh, it's so good. So, okay. So now it's time for the big meeting with the tractor guy at the bait diner, right? And this is the actual exchange when the two of them first meet. He says, nice to meet you. She says, so nice to meet you. He says, nice to meet you. And sits down. Hey, are we in a loop? The cut footy. Is this diner a...

fucking wrinkle in time? What's happening right now? Chris's legs got sucked into this conversation. He's currently being spaghettified. And he's never been the same since yet. His Muppet body just flops off the table.

Oh, it's so weird as well because she orders, she says like, yo, the chicken sandwiches are here to die for, by which she means I'll have the one thing she's had before, the only thing she's actually had. And it's a crazy moment because she says, I'll have a chicken sandwich and a Diet Coke. He says, good choice. I'll have the same. Also, I'll have a Diet Coke. But you just ordered that. You said the same. No, bring me two Diet Cokes. What are your specials?

How many beans would you say roughly? Just an average. Just like a very average number. Eyeball it. So yeah. So he goes, how'd it go at the town hall meeting? I already know. Never mind. Right. No fucking clue. He knows she was a big hit, but not what she said, which is just weird. I guess. She goes, and I quote, it'll be hard jumping through the hoops of red tape.

God, Simon, never stop writing, buddy. I know you probably listen to these reviews and you feel them right down in your Stroopwafel. But don't listen to us, buddy. You got to keep making. There's an obstacle course of metaphors that I'll have to jump around. You got to keep making. Your wife will be able to see the R-rated ones eventually. She's allowed if I accompany her. He goes...

I know politicians. I am one. And I'm like, you're not, though. You're the fucking secretary of agriculture. That's not an elected position, lady. She's barely that. She's just hanging around in a small town at this point, organizing parties. I've met small town mayors that do more work. Yeah. No, I remember when Pete Buttigieg was organizing Christmas concerts in Bayonne, New Jersey. South Bend, Indiana. Yeah. So, okay.

But then she goes back to the BNB and she tells Jill that instead of doing her job as secretary of agriculture, they should plan a big Christmas party for all the starving farmers. Right. So that's you sacked then. Instead of doing your job, you're going to take up party planning for a local town. You're sacked. You're sacked for your job immediately. To be fair, Jill's response is, I would like to leave the movie entirely. And she's like, yep.

No, I understand. Jill's like, well, this isn't our job at all. Can I go back to DC and do our job? And she's like, yeah. And that makes sense because Jill hasn't met a hot mare and had a change of heart. So even though she was in the plane when that whole conversation happened. got some like passive amounts of that, like a tangential buzz off it. But she hasn't met her own mare. So yeah, she's off. She's off.

OK, and I promise I'm not going to quote every third line in the movie, but this is again, this is an actual line spoken by Gloria, our hero, because Jill's like, well, you know, you said yourself it was all about getting ahead. And Gloria says back, quote. I did say those things, but I realize now it was wrong to say those things. It was like three hours. I love this movie so fucking much.

All right. So now, OK, now we're going to finally pay off with Eli's best works next morning. So Jill goes back to D.C. Next morning, Gloria comes down to the bed and breakfast breakfast part. And the cameraman guy, the silent cameraman guy is sitting there eating his breakfast carrots as he is want to do. And she goes, hey, why are you still here? And he goes, where's Jill?

He speaks. The man speaks. He might as well drop a microphone that he didn't have and walk right out. It's the best. Yeah. She says, well, she went back to D.C. He goes. Oh, and that's it. We will never see. For all we know, he then wanders into the snow and dies. So I can only assume Jill was intimidating him to silence the entire time. It was like this toxic work environment. Maybe him and Jill had like a Dom sub thing going.

Oh, okay. All right. And do you think that's why he's having so many carrot sticks? It's like she's told him, no, you will eat only carrot sticks. It's like the glass of milk and baby girl. Yeah. As much ice cream as you want. And he still likes them. Now he likes them. Now it's just like... But now instead of secretarying any agriculture, she is going to deck the halls of the town hall with Carol, the bed and breakfast owner, Christian sister.

Right. And Carol's going to tell us what really grinds her gears for a while. Jesus fucking Christ is so stupid. So they decorate. We get another one of these 18-second montages, right, where they decorate to some public domain Christmas music. Okay. I became angry during this moment because... The cord from those Christmas lights is in giant knots everywhere. And whoever put those lights away last year is a fucking monster. I was furious. Okay.

I loved this montage because at one point, Gloria makes a, I'm going to hang myself with these Christmas lights. She does. She does. Also, Carol references the fact that they're in knots because she does like a tight five on how no matter how well you put them away, they just come back knotted the neck. And she really leans into how much hardship it is to put these lights up. And then we have another fucking montage. And I looked up, does Tubi pay per minute?

Is that how it works? If you've got a movie on Tubi, does it pay you for the length of time? Because it must be. There are so many montages. That's exactly the question I was wondering at this point. Yeah. Well, they, they, they had the montage going and they clearly were like, Hey, just, you know, improvise a few physical bits with like the Christmas bullshit. Kill myself.

And then they were like, well, not that. Okay. Do a different one. And they have nothing. So they're like, kill you. Kill you with a wreath. Smush him. Cut. Okay. That was 18 seconds. But also the character who's miming hanging herself. her dad hung himself at Christmas in the shed. Yes. So if anybody wouldn't do that, you'd think she'd be all sensed into that. She's got a really good sense of humor. Carol, who am I? Who am I? I'm my dad. Wild.

Like father, like daughter. Am I right? Oh, God. Okay. What a choice. And then. This movie, realizing it has no conflict whatsoever and that nothing's happening, suddenly says, maybe he has an ex-girlfriend and Janet shows up. Yeah, she shows up to the town hall looking for him and she's told... I think he might be in his office. And she hadn't tried that. But like, he's the mayor.

Wouldn't you look in the mayor's office if you were looking for the mayor? You would think that would be the first place. No, you go to the small town and you wander around looking lost. Until you see his sister. Follow up question. Who the fuck is Janet? Right. Right. So, yeah. So so she comes in and she's like, hey, Carol, long time. Where's your brother? And.

Carol goes, I'm going to I don't. And Gloria goes, oh, he's right across the street in his office because he's the mayor and it's the mayor's office. And she's like, right, right. Should have thought of that. And then she leaves and. Carol's like, why did you tell her that? That's Janet, his evil ex-girlfriend. Right. Okay. So this character Janet is, Eli, you tell me.

They don't do anything overt, but this felt anti-Semitic, the entire existence of this character. Yeah, no, for real, 100%. Like somewhere in the stage directions, it's like... Chewess, you know. Right, right. Accompanied by the music of her people, she exits. Yeah. So then, it's okay. So, but she goes to find Chris and we cut to them having dinner at the fucking Baten Brew Diner. Yep. And she has to tell him her exciting news that she's engaged.

So I really wanted the exciting news to be that he has a seven-year-old daughter. That's what I really wanted. Either that or looking at how she's dressed, that she had a blossoming career as an NFL referee because she's in the tight white black shirt stripes. She sure as fuck was. Now, what we're doing...

here is that we're trying to establish so that he will be holding her hand to look at her engagement ring when Gloria drives by and sees him holding her hand and thinks they've gotten back together. That's what we're supposed to be establishing here. So we clunk our way through that scene. And of course, Gloria drives by at the most inopportune moment. And rather than trying to figure out what's going on, she assumes the worst and drives home in a snip.

And never speaks to him about it. Yeah. Right. Like, look. I know that this is sort of a classic trope from romance movies is like, if they just talked, it would be a thing. But this is an insane miscommunication, right? This would be like if she ran away and joined a nunnery because she saw him holding another woman. oh god yeah to the point where she then speaks to carol and carol is saying have you talked to him at any point and the answer to that is not and like this whole plot

is in danger of being resolved by a single conversation. The maker of this movie should never do a French farce, essentially. Right! Oh, no, the important business meeting takes place on exactly the same day as my drag show recital. I guess I'll have to call them and reschedule a meeting so as to avoid any awkward double booking scenarios.

Well, that's exactly what happened, right? Because the movie knew that something like this was supposed to happen. And we watch for like the next eight minutes as it realizes that that's harder to pull off than the French farces make it look, right? Because every single turn, somebody's just like. Well, no, that would be an insane thing for you to think. Why don't you just talk to him? That sounds nothing like him at all. Say what? No. The scene.

Now, look, if this writer was remotely clever, we could have established a character that doesn't like her and egged her on to make her think this was the case. Or, you know, we could have made it so that her best friend didn't happen to be or like her new best friend didn't happen to be. his sister. There's so many ways that you could have got around this, but this idiot fucking movie doesn't. So she goes to talk to Carol, and Carol's like, well, this is almost certainly a...

a misperception. And if you just talk to him, that would deflate the entire plot to this point. And she said, no, I would like some plots. I'm going to continue being confused by this, please. Can we just ramp it up a bit more? Well, yeah, so now she's going to go to talk to him, right, at first. But when she goes to see him, his back is facing her, and he's on the phone telling somebody he loves them.

Well, that's conclusive. No further questions, Your Honor. I think we've got everything established here. I'm not even going to stay here to listen to see who he says goodbye to at the end of the conversation. Right. Right, because she storms off and he's like, anyway, bye, Mom. Oh. And it's a minor detail, but that's his office door. It's not this black office door.

It is so banged up. It is so scratched. I need the backstory. I want Simon to come and go, oh, sorry, meant to say, this movie is a sequel to a zombie apocalypse film. I should have mentioned that. I didn't. My bad.

So, yeah, so she goes to Carol's house and she's like, you know, did you talk to my brother? Did you get it all sorted out? And she's like, I don't want to talk about it. And she's like, why don't you want to talk about it? Because it would completely diffuse all the tension in the movie. It's actually impossible for me to say more than one sentence about it without completely ruining the idea.

Yeah. So she's like, can we just hang out and eat ice cream like besties instead? And she's like, why? Sure. And I'm like, don't you have some agriculture to secretary? And the other thing is, like, this is supposed to be like a.

girls night montage. But these women are not in a girls night time of their lives. You know what I'm saying? Might as well see them stirring Metamucil into their wine glasses and looking to see which of the... popcorns has the least seed oils fiber is important yeah and they do say like they're going to eat ice creams they're going to eat their feelings they say is your are your feelings more chocolate or vanilla and looking at this lady they're vanilla we know she has very vanilla feelings

So, OK, so the next morning she's heading to the town hall when she runs into Janet, the ex-fiancee. And of course. Janet starts to explain that she's not actually in a relationship with Christian, but Gloria has to keep cutting her off mid-sentence. I'm engaged to I know and I'm really excited to marry believe me yeah

Okay, so she gets to the town hall. We get another decking the hall montage, and you're thinking to yourself, well, certainly this will be the last montage we get of putting Christmas decorations in exactly this town hall. It's not. It really isn't. And this one's in slow motion. They've had to slow time down to fit more shit into it.

So yeah, but midway through this montage, Carol's like, well, all right, well, I have to go do mom stuff, but I'm going to tag in my brother Christian to diffuse all the tension of the movie. But make sure you talk past each other like nine more times before you do that.

And this guy has absolutely every right to be completely baffled by what's going on. Even if they get to the bottom of this, there are serious red flags that show he is better off out of this Secretary of Agriculture's life. Yeah, right. Exactly. So yeah, so he shows up, she angries at him. And, you know, he's like, oh, no, no. I was looking at her ring when I was holding her hand. You fucked my sister? No, no.

I love you. I was talking to my mom. You fucked my sister and my mom? Are you serious? No, you got to listen. You're the one who hung my dad. You got to listen for the entire thought. You're a pedophile. Well, look, we haven't. talked about what a bad actor Gloria is. She's fucking terrible, right? She is honestly like the worst actor we've ever seen under professional lighting.

Yes, like she is confused that half of these scenes don't end with her half out of a tumble dryer. Like she is very confused how this is in porn. Right. So throughout this whole thing, as he's trying to explain, every time he explains, he's like, oh, yeah, well, what about blah, blah, blah. So there's no like she doesn't go from like nine to eight to seven to six to five or anything. She just goes from nine the whole way to what he's like. He's now like.

the last thing and then she goes all the fucking way to one and she's like, well, isn't that silly misunderstanding between you and I? And now they're fine. When the misunderstanding is cleared up... He says, I would never intentionally hurt you. And can I just say, if you write the sentence, I would never intentionally hurt you, you are preparing to occasionally be driven to hit your child's wife. Intentionally.

a lot of work in that sentence. Yeah, there's no need for that word to be there, right? Unless you're like... Perhaps you would drive me insane with rage and then I would have to hit you because your homework was undone. But other than that, I would never intentionally... So, but now like he remembers, he sure remembers the holiday spirit. So they have this third goddamn decorating the town hall Christmas montage. Yep. Hey, Carol, Carol, look.

And then after the third of the same fucking montage, we go back to Carol's for dinner. So we're just recycling the same scenes over and over again now. And by the way, there is still 30 minutes left in this fucking movie. Yeah, there fucking is. There fucking is. We're going to meet his mum as well. The mum's going to be there. I wrote down, what's her name going to be? Blitzen? Kringle? Shvater Pete? What is her name? So yeah, we meet the mum.

And she welcomes her to the family. She says, welcome to the family. I'm like, wow, that's a little premature, ma. They met like two weeks ago. They've done a tickle fight and snowball. I guess that's sex in Christian movie. Two weeks ago. Yeah. Not even, right? It's supposed to be like four fucking days at this point. Yeah, it's nothing. Yeah, it is. So then we get, so she's meeting mom and then we get a cut that's so bad it almost counts as a botched surgery.

Are you talking about the bread? Cutting of the bread? The insane prop that they put at the beginning of the scene? A full loaf of bread sliced on a chopping board for the chef's knife. Carol very clearly... bought a sliced loaf of bread, and then put it on a...

cutting board with a chef's knife next to it to make it look like she baked a loaf of bread and then cut it. I had to zoom in to check that it wasn't like a pork joint or something, like a ham or something, because of the way that it was cut and the knife. No, it's just bread. Wild. So yeah, so now Chris and Gloria are sitting on the couch together, and she has to explain to him that she's the Secretary of Agriculture, Boo. The job that she really wants is, quote,

Secretary of Digital Media and Cultural Engagement. Get the fuck out of here. Okay, the czar of podcasting influencers for the federal government. Such a demotion, such a demotion. They definitely do not know what a secretary is. That's what's happening here as well. Clearly. So yeah, to be clear, that's not a fucking thing that doesn't even exist. If it was, this would be like such a crazy demotion, right? This would be like going from company vice president to the mail room. Yeah, right.

Wall Street to podcasting. Well, okay. So, but then, but he's like, well, but if you take the job as secretary of... digital media and podcasting, will we still be able to continue our relationship? And I'm like, hey, man, if she remains the secretary of agriculture, she's not going to move to your shitty little town in Tennessee.

Is that not a work from home position? No. But yeah. So, okay. So, but now they're having dinner, which is weird because I thought that was an after dinner scene. Rudolph leads them in prayer. Christian movie totally counts. The food they're eating, German goulash with spatzels. No, they're not. In their balls.

They very clearly got folded cardboard in all of this. Tortilla chips. It's goulash on a bed of folded cardboard is what they're all eating. Here's what I think happened. I think Simon was like, and you know what? For the Americans in the final dinner scene, I will actually get them some authentic. German food. And then he got to America and he was like, I could not find a single schneitzel.

at the store and all of the golden halfletoodle was only available by mail. It was a seven-week delay and then my girlfriend couldn't go into the liquor store to get the proper appetites. So I left in a huff. so we will eat napkins and tortilla chips also the crazy thing in the bowl is a folded napkin in each bowl like a decorative napkin because we see him take it out later so it makes a little bit and then he puts a bunch of

Clearly, not spetzle. Some just plain barilla spaghetti goes into his bowl at that point. Yeah. Why the fuck wouldn't they just make it spaghetti? They could have just said they were having spaghetti. It's like every other scene in the movie. Yeah. Because Joshua couldn't name a food. Yeah. That wasn't... Like in a previous scene when they eat, they're all sitting down to a dinner of like...

Chicken nuggets and fries. All of the food is done by like an autistic eight-year-old with half in kind of thing. It has to be entirely beige, please. Nothing with any kind of color or vegetable to it. They've just all got strawberry yogurt pouches in front of them for the next... No one knows why. There is literally a scene in this movie where like in our notes, Marsh has cued us to the next scene with the word beige food. Yeah.

So, okay. That was an establishing shot in this movie for sure. It was just an establishing shot of a beige food party. Yeah. Okay. So now it's time for everybody to get together for the post-dinner nativity sketch. This? Fucking scene rules. Okay. Let me explain what happens. Let me explain what happens in real reality, in real life. Every year, this woman who plays Carol... Gets out her Jesus doll set.

Tells the story of Jesus until she is hysterically sobbing because she found her husband's child porn on his computer six years ago. And she's been keeping that secret inside ever since. And it was nativity themed, that porn she found. And now they're going to do it for us in the movie. And it's... If this happened in front of me, I would dial 911 on my phone at my side. Okay.

So, no, I want to point out that Carol is not a gifted storyteller in any way. This story does not have the I've told it over and over again kind of feel to it when a good storyteller. This is just like her naming. the bullet points she can remember of the nativity scene with, oh, oh, oh, and like a kid telling a fucking joke, right? And it goes on for, I am not exaggerating at all, three literal minutes.

Yeah. Full fucking 60 seconds apiece. And it ends with at least one of them. Gloria is literally crying at the end of it. They're all crying. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And Noel, the little girl says, I love Jesus so much. Oh, God. Okay. My favorite part was Chris, though, because he at this point is like, it's amazing that Jesus.

cares about how we're doing. And I was like, yeah, it is. And the movie accidentally, they had that go on a little bit too long. Yes. He keeps going and he's like, you know, like. Like Jesus, this like the son of God, like he cares about our day to day. The guy who created up. truly insane the more words I keep saying. It would have to be an idiot to believe. It sounds impossible. Is it truly insane? Gloria, Gloria, look. I'm hanging myself.

Camera pans out to the little girl with her legs in her hands. What did you say about Jesus? But just then. Gloria gets a phone call from Jill. Jill lets her know that she got the demotion, right? Why is Jill telling her? Jill is her assistant. I don't know. Why is Jill breaking the news of her career? Hey, let's just start the phone with J.D.

So, and then she says that this is such a great fucking line. She says, this will be a great new job. Instead of going to shitty farms, you'll get to go to, quote, New York, L.A., Miami, those fun in the sun states. Fun means the sun, you know. Okay, New York. Only one of those is a state, to be clear. And it's not exactly known for its sun. And they meant the city.

Yeah, right. Oh, 100%. My girlfriend really wants to go to the M&M store. So you will be able to go there. She thinks the M&Ms are real still. So you must not ruin it for her. Do you want me to get her a fake ID? For the M&M store? Absolutely. So, okay, but so now she's all conflicted because she wants this job, but she doesn't want to leave Chris, which again, she would have to anyway. It doesn't make any sense at all. But okay, so now we cut to she's like checking out of the hotel.

Right. My first note in this scene is time has lost all meaning. I can't remember why I wrote that. Yeah, I wrote, after all the work I've done, this is what breaks, Marsh. All right, so here's why you wrote that, Marsh. Because this scene is so fucking confusing. We go from...

Being at Carol's house to being at Carol's B&B, which was shot in Carol's house, right? It was shot in the same fucking house. But now she's supposed to be at the hotel instead of the house, right? And the movie doesn't do an establishing shot. anything because they don't know about that kind of shit right yeah so yeah so it but apparently it's the next day and she's like well you know i loved my job as the secretary of agriculture for all five days of it but it's time for me to move on

So, OK. And then so Chris is like going to take her to the airport. So they're on the drive. And apparently the filmmaker doesn't realize that he's shooting this as though Chris was taking. her out into the woods to murder her? It's 100% that episode of The Sopranos. This is Pine Barrens all the way. Yes, it is Pine Barrens 100%.

Well, and I also love how much Simon doesn't trust us here because they do their parting. She goes to get on the plane and he puts a black and white filter on the footage so we know that it's sad. Yes, right, because these two actors can't actually do the emotions. But before he puts her on the plane, he has to drive out to Angry Farmer's house and give back the Christmas presents that he bought for the Polly Pocket thing that he bought to the little kids. So he did give him a handout.

And this is where we meet that the farmer has a second child who they didn't bother to introduce earlier. So I just feel like a second daughter has hit the scene. We had no idea that she existed. Okay, fine. Now is the time to do this. This is Clarissa. Her name's not Christmassy, so fuck her.

I should never call my daughter Kwanzaa. But also when he gives the girls the presents, like one of them gets one present and the other one gets the remaining six. I don't think that worked out correctly either. So, but yeah, so they go to the airstrip and they have their black and white goodbye with their big emotional goodbye hug. And then we cut to a different scene where she's crying. So like the scene where the tear has been applied for her or whatever.

So now she's back in her stupid office running her stupid $200 billion a year department. And I guess that she sees like a note here of like urgent firings that needs to be done. And she goes like, nope, I'll wait until after Christmas to fire these people because she's turned around her life at this point.

Yeah, and it's meant to be like, she doesn't want to fire these people. It's unfair to be firing people. I did pause and look at why they're being fired. One of them is being fired for consistently falling short of performance standards. Okay, someone else being fired for being repeatedly late.

And the third person is being fired for violating, square bracket, specific policy violation, closed square brackets, because they didn't think I would pause and check. Damn. Yeah. It says Benjamin Anderson violated policies, including... Specific policy violation. Yes, it's so good. It's great. Oh, I love this fucking movie. Also, the person getting fired for punctuality violations.

is not the person. It's a different person. They say like, Josh is getting fired for that. And then it says, Olivia Reynolds keeps being late and is getting fired. Yeah, they keep changing name midway through the firing. Amazing. Very strange. So, okay. But so, and we learn here that...

Gloria is back to the busy life and she has to work on Christmas Eve. Cause you know, whatever. Oh, sorry. One other thing on the, I got, I mentioned this on top of that, like memo to her, it says to secretary of state. For digital, culture, and media, Gloria Winters. So her new title is Secretary of State for those things. Yeah, right. Okay. Now she gets a call from George, the tractor guy.

And he says, hey, you know, I love your proposal, but you're going to need somebody on this end to run the whole thing. Right. If there's not somebody to run the co-op, it'll all fall apart. And I thought. Camera guy. He's there. Oh, interesting. Comes into his own. Comes in a clutch, but no. Well, and I thought, well, you know, she knows a Harvard-educated lawyer. She knows a fucking person with a master's in economics that...

Worked on Wall Street. So I assumed she was going to offer the job to one of them. But no, she would like another demotion. No, me, my job also. Yeah, she's going to career herself all the way to the very bottom of the corporate life. Yes, clearly. Also, this is her third new job in the past week and a half.

People are going to stop hiring her. She's not trustworthy. She's not reliable at this point. She's not going to stick about. Absolutely. As soon as a worse offer comes along, she'll be there. This whole thing is so stupid. I can't help but notice that KFC slash Taco Bell. down the street and she'll be leaving and only the night shift so you know

But the whole thing is so stupid. She gets the call from that guy, George Wesley, the tractor magnate, right? And by the way, the phone call says George Wesley or two others, like exact words on her phone. Like her phone is hedging its bets about who might be calling. I don't know what the fuck that was. But then he's like, hey, so I talked to, you know, my lawyers and my CFO. They love the...

giant no-bid government contract that we're getting. It's a Christmas miracle. And I was like, what are you talking about? This is nothing. This is nonsense. Yeah, okay. So now she's got to go to the airport to fly back to... Snow Point, Tennessee or whatever. But the airport's closed because it's too dangerous to fly. But she's going to fly anyway.

It's closed like a fucking TGI Friday's called it early that day because nobody came in. It is Christmas Eve night as well. This is an airport. Like a racist store reacting to bad Google reviews. They hung up a... paper sign with duct tape 8 and a half by 11 one piece of printer paper on a fence that's just like sorry no airplanes C-L-O-S-T close

Well, also, it suggests that she just went to the airport with her fingers crossed. Yeah. Tori, are you around here? I got some more family trauma. But it's going to be bad weather. That's the thing. There is going to be bad weather. It's going to be a snowstorm. We now have. drama like oh my god she's gonna try and fly in the drama this is gonna be the rest of the movie like a serious amount of weather drama going on

Right. Surely, right? Yeah. So Tori Martin turns out to Tori Martin's there and he's like, oh, if we leave right now, maybe we'll just barely catch the weather. So we see them taking off and then landing. It was fine. It's just a blink of an eye cut. Sorry, she texted him to get a private plane ride. And she got his cell number when they were flying earlier?

She addresses him as sir. She only addresses him as sir, which is also a choice. Hey, I felt like when I said the Days of Her Lives thing, it fucking made a weird vibe. And I just kind of... No, I've been Tory before, so I get it. And you're like, if you ever need any, like a free plane ride that I can do, let me know. And I will, by the way, that your conversation. Do you want to take my number? Yeah. Tell you what, let's take your number.

You know what? I'm going to give you my MySpace. What about that? Yeah, like as if he'd made a lot of like fake websites about her and in penance for that drove all the way to Boston to pick her up. Exactly. You guys got to see these AI photos. They're really good. Nicola's going to get so ill the next time she's in America.

So he flies her out there and he gives her his truck, which is apparently out there for some fucking reason. She's like, now you have a car to drive. But the car breaks down on the way. Well, yeah, she doesn't know how to drive stick and it's a stick and she drives it anyway. And so I was mad about that. Just like basic requirements, like learn to drive stick. You have to like work in a restaurant and drive stick. Like you got to do it. Yeah, exactly. But like she's broken down.

She knew a number she should call for assistance. Right. Or like, look, honestly, like at this point in a Christian movie, she doesn't pray. No. Right, because like we barely brought it up, but over and over again in the movie, like Carol and Christian keep talking about how God has plans and that God is the center of their life or whatever. So there's a lot of like setup for that, but she's just like, oh, shucks.

And then the farmer with the Polly Pockets playset shows up and decides to give her a ride. What she decides to do instead is to stand next to the car in, again, quite a short skirt as she wears all the way through this thing. on Christmas Eve while it's snowing. Like, Jesus Christ, just get in the car or something. Yeah, it's crazy. At the very least, just get in the car and throw on the fucking emergency blinkers. Yeah.

Also, the car's broken down. It's her fault. Like, we saw her for a second cruising along, and she's like, you know what? I'm going to try out second gear. She goes into second gear without hitting the clutch at all. Her left leg does not move at all. We see it not move. She slams it into second gear somehow.

And we see that the emergency brake is still on. And then the car breaks down. And I was like, oh, maybe because you drove in fucking first and second gear that whole time. Yes, with the emergency brake. And now it's smoking. When it breaks down in the freezing cold, I got, I want the next scene to be her like found.

in the snow like Bobcat Goldthwait in Scrooge. Yes. Yeah, but no, but he picks her up. So then we cut to the Christmas party. This is the beige food party we were talking about earlier. She shows up. Chris sure is surprised to see her. And she goes, now I know what truly matters. And it's definitely not my fucking career.

I'm the manager of the farm thing. And he's like, what? And she's like, doesn't matter. Movie's over. Movie's over. The little girl comes up and she goes, the little girl who, by the way, is named Noel. She comes up and she says, hey, can I sing my song? And the mom's like, yeah, this would be a great time. So she sings to us. Yes, we get to listen to a kid singing to close this off. And the song isn't First Noel. No.

She sings, oh, come let us adore him. But all the verse, first of all, I didn't know there were verses. Oh, come all ye faithful. There's a second verse. Second verse to, oh, come all ye faithful. No, actually, I didn't know that one. I didn't know the third verse. I didn't know the third verse, but yeah. I didn't know there were verses at all. They're very upsetting. They're like, and Jews shall burn forever. Hoist the mainsail pig roast. Very upsetting.

has that extra verse and you're like, what is happening now? The rest of the Cheers song. Or the bit of God Save the King that starts talking about like suppressing the Scots that we don't really talk about anymore. Oh, really? Yeah, it's like the rebellious Scots to crush. You just do it quietly. And it's their national anthem as well. So you're welcome, guys. Jesus Christ. No, they remember. All right. Well, Marsh...

Merry Christmas. We got you the knowledge that everything you do in December will be more enjoyable than this. Well, except. Oh, thank you so much. Except when you watch Joe Rogan, I guess. Yeah, that's fair. And by the way, a quick reminder, if you want to hear Marsh listen.

to Joe Rogan for you. Be sure to check out the show notes for links to the No Rogan experience and his other work, which is fantastic. And well, that does it for our review of A Law for Christmas. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because this Christmas tagular is just getting wrapped up. So Eli, tell us what's up. On deck. A matchmaker connects Molly and Jacob. Are you doing the voice? But their new romance is put to the test when they realize they're competing deli owners.

Will a Hanukkah miracle keep them together? Oh, no. We'll be watching Hanukkah on Rise. Oh, God. All right, well, I hope you got that voice out of your system. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring up some 535 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Marsh and an equally huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make this show go. If you can link it, guys, among their ranks, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com.

And thereby earn early access to an aftery version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out the shows. This is Gating Alien, Citation, D&D, D&D Minus, and The Skeptical Grant. Available wherever possible.

podcast live. If you have questions, comments, or cinemas, suggestions, you can email godawfulmovies at gmail.com. Tim Roverson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a link to your life this week.

live bozzy gabin always just promised to work hard to earn another check next week until then we'll leave you with the american graffiti close the department of Ministry of State Department of Digital Media, Social Engagement, Digital Culture and Media, like and subscribe, was completely lost without Gloria. It had to be taken over by Marco Rubio, who has lots of other jobs. Gloria eventually talked herself down to a job as second assistant dishwasher at Ruby Tuesdays.

Freed from Jill's oppression, the silent cameraman continues to roam the snow-covered wilds of Tennessee on a perpetual search for more breakfast carrot sticks. Marsh, there was such a long period after I opened the second Lego set where I was just like, is there any way that I can make these guys not realize this? Someone very special got me a Pac-Man kit. Yeah, right. And you know what? I never say this, but they're my favorite co-hosts. I work with the best people. Actually, don't.

Not even close. What? Okay, can we listen to it again? Hey, guys. Sorry. I'll do a regular if you want. You set him up like that. I got to do one. The panic that was starting to seep into that music. It was starting to get more paranoia than the actual Brian Wilson had. Well done, sir. All right. Yeah. If you don't, if you don't mind taking one somewhere from the top.

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