468: The Oath

All right, I take that back audience at home, you just missed a fetal wacky wall walker joke. You should have come to the live show. That's the name of my rush cover band, we're playing at the live this Thursday. I think that's a uterine wall walker. I think the point here that we're all trying to make is that this is a very touching tender moment. Oh my God! Not Awful Movies! Welcome to God Awful Movies live from Salt Lake City! This is a loud, bonk, oh yeah!

This is of course the podcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because it is literally the easiest thing to make fun of in all of existence. I'm your host Noah Luzians and joining us from behind you is my good friend Heath and right, give it up for Heath! Now I want to point out that this venue had a rule against bringing alcohol on stage. That's water, okay, if anybody asks, it's water.

And also joining us today, we are excited to welcome a special guest from all the way here, he's from here. But he has been a friend and a colleague for over a decade, he's a co-host of Data Overdogma and thank God I'm atheist. And welcome to the stage Dan Beecher! You guys have no idea who I am, but it's fine, it's fine. And of course also joining us tonight, please give it up one more time for my bad friend Eli Bosnik!

I would like to tell the audience what you're dressed as but I don't know that I know what is what are you going on there? So as you may remember last time we were here we settled into our last venue and then we told them, hey Eli takes off his clothes and it's super funny. And they were like, you are in Utah, they will burn our building to the ground. Similarly when the folks at UMoco were like, yeah you could come to your atheist podcast two fucking steps from the temple.

They were like, hey your fat guy doesn't get his ass out, does he? Oh shit. I feel like we're on a fight, like when you cheated a casino and they're just on a list. Exactly, I'll be. As soon as you come in. So this is Space Jesus. Okay. Like, take it. I love that this whole room erupted and the entire country is going, what the fuck is Space Jesus? Yeah we should probably explain it to Mormon temple until very recently there was a statue of Jesus.

Oh, got the dad by, it was a statue of Jesus with a big space backdrop behind it. And I think it was only there because they could root out the non-mormons by who laughed when they walked into that chamber. It's the gayest statue, I love it so much. It's so sexy. And I love that the Mormons don't defend it by being like, they're like, they're like the Italian said it first. And I'm like, you're not helping yourself to see you know. All right, so tell us Heath. Well, we'll be breaking down today.

We watched the oath. Yeah. Okay, so some people saw it already. Clearly. Okay, some hands went up. It's the story just aren't fans of oaths. Promises were everywhere. So it's the story of Maroni who smelted a golden three-ring binder. Yes, he did. Using his homemade pizza oven inside a cave. The thought he'd need bells. Yeah, and etched the history of the Nephites into the plates in a script that's called Reformed Egyptian.

That's a language that's been kept a secret from everybody who's ever studied history or languages or Egypt or anything like that. That's fun. Also Maroni got persecuted by the by the evil Lamanite Native American. And that's the better version. That's what they've settled on in the year of our Lord 2024. They're like, no, no, no, no, no, no. They're Native Americans. No, you have to take this in the context of his time. This came out in 2023. Yeah, you sure? Yeah, fair enough.

And it's written by a white guy from Utah and his wife. Yes, it's Desiret Khan the moon. Well done. Thank you, sir. Well done. And Eli. That's what I'm calling Mormonism from now on. Desiret Khan, you like it? And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you desperately raced through the end of the book of Mormon where Joe can barely contain thinly veiled whining about his own oppression, but you wish it had the sexual politics of your high school prom. You know, I love this movie.

And they do. Yeah. So, Dad, I fear that Eli is already sort of stepped on the answer to this one, but my question for you is how Mormon was this movie? Well, brother Luciens. I'll see he's going to cry. Don't get ahead of me, Eli. I'd like to bear my testimony that I know. No, no, no, no. This movie is Mormon. Look, this movie defies all-known archaeological, anthropological, linguistic, and genetic data we have about the Americas in favor of scribblings of an uneducated state New York con man.

It might be the perfect Mormon movie. If this movie was in an overstarched white shirt in a fucking tie it could be Mormon. If it came out of the screen like the ring and started to cross-letize to us, it couldn't be Mormon. If we kicked this movie out of our house for being gay, it would not be. Yeah. So, is there anything you want to nominate? There's one for being the best to be in the worst out? Yeah, I'm going to go as best worst big-hit history speaking of the retcon.

We get a Mormon movie maker's portrayal of Native American people, the Blackfoot tribe. Yeah, I think is what they're going for. Yeah, that is the correct answer. That's an appropriate noise thing. That's an hour and 55 minutes. For falling off a bicycle hands first and watching this movie. But somehow they were like, we need to sneak in a little bit of anti-Semitism. The main bad guy. The main bad guy played by Billy Zayn is a Native American play-minite rabbi king?

Yes. I'm going to go with the best worst rock tantrum. You guys, at one point in this film, our main character briefly loses his love and spoilers. All right, all right. And has the most amazing acting moment, perhaps I've ever seen. He is running around in a circle, flailing his arms, and he keeps picking up rocks and half-heartedly, this is growing. Yes! Left and the back. Yeah, I think one or the go away. It's like he went to an acting workshop at his kids preschool.

George Bush Sr. was watching from the sidelines like, bad throw, brother. Yeah, right. So I wrote my best worst before I watched the fucking movie. I have best worst preview for a movie we didn't watch. Right, because I watched the preview and I'm like, wow, this is an action-packed film. It looks like they're advertising that new predator movie, right, with a, it was a nation of America. And I watched it and I'm like, there's no fucking way that's the movie we're about to watch.

That's worst bullshit preview. And my friends, I'm not going to spoil it. I'm just going to say best, one hour, ten minutes, and 43 seconds into the movie. You're not ready, y'all. Nope. Nope. All right, well, some of y'all came a long way for this, including myself. So we're going to keep the break brief and then when we come back, we'll dive into all the laughably A-Historical nonsense that is. Deal. They make the experience like 8 million times better. I'm telling you.

I don't know, B-Man. Can I afford it? How normal? Look at me. Come on. Hey, guys, what you doing? And why is Bartholomew the Hellmouse from D&D minus here? Oh, he helps me with my budgeting. You know, keeps track of my finances. Plus, now people know about the Hellmouse. Maybe they come check out the show. What are you angling for a bigger cut? I'm just saying there's a lot of fun to Susan. Stop whatever you're doing.

Look, Eli, if you want help managing your expenses and budget, you should check out Rocket money. What's Rocket money? Seriously? Put it on the board, man. Fine. Fine. Whatever. Moving on. Rocket money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. With Rocket money, I have full control over my subscriptions and a clear view of my expenses.

I love how the dashboard shows me this month's spending compared to last months, so I can clearly see my spending habits. Plus, they'll help me create a custom budget and keep my spending on track. Wow. That sounds great. Rocket money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is submit a picture of your bill and Rocket money will take care of the rest. They'll deal with customer service for you. I don't know, Noah. Has anyone actually tried this thing?

Rocket money has over 5 million users, Eli, and they've saved a total of $500 million in cancelled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all the app's features. All right, Noah. I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancels your unwanted subscriptions by going to RocketMoney.com slash awful movies. That's RocketMoney.com slash awful movies. RocketMoney.com slash awful movies. And check out the D-manus wherever they're getting a power cast.

What's your deal, man? What? I'm just selling. Well, stop saying. Actually, they're a character. What? Nothing? Guys, guys, I've got amazing news. The pet store down the street. Wait, what? Stop guessing. Every time I come in here with good news, you have to guess something that makes me sad. So just say what? Okay? Chris? Just what? Fine. Fine. What? We got approved to make our gritty historical Mormon history film. Amazing. The life of Joseph Smith, without all the fluff and feathers.

No, no, even better. This one is about the Nephites and the Lamanites. Sorry. We're making a gritty realistic historical drama about the Nephites and the Lamanites. Yeah. Yeah. We're not pulling any punches. I want people to really confront the reality of the history, you know? Keep saying reality. Right. It just seems like we might want to keep our representation of the Nephites and the Lamanites kind of vague, right? Nope. Nope. Down to the letter history, the way the history was.

Right. It's just that the Nephites and the Lamanites aren't history. What? No. Of course they are. No, no. Like most of the stuff is impossible, but even if it was possible, we don't have any evidence. Right. Real or imagined evidence. It's just evidence. In the books. That's it. Oh. Well then how are we going to make it gritty? We could smudge actors faces with dirt? Well, yeah, because that's basically the same thing. Nice. Awesome. So are you loud back in the pet store?

No. And more hamsters are going to end up going to hell because of it. It's sad. It is sad. And we're back! Well at least we have managed to give you the illusion of backness at home anyway. So we're going to start this movie on with the shot of the American coastline. And I was so pissed that like a little wooden periscope didn't pop up out of the wall at this point. Right? We've been so fucking good. It is a douche-douche here. That little dish pops up.

Yeah. Fuck it's that tight anymore than what it's going to be. Okay. Hunt for red October has whole new meanings. So, but no, we get this narration about the engine. I call period sex. This is what, yeah. Yeah. That's it. You usually edits those things. Yeah. You're seeing the behind the scenes shit now. You're stuck with it. I mean, you guys are. People at home are in there. No. So you're like, wow, it just cuts all the laughter. It cuts out all the lights and the shots. So weird.

The audience just all stops at the same time. So yeah, so we get this narration about the ancient garage between the knee fights and the laymen nights. It starts out and it goes, legend tells of it. And I'm like, legend, really? You guys are going to admit that right up front, huh? All right. Can I just say that the eye-pushed pause literally seconds into the opening voiceover because you could instantly hear the toxic masculinity.

It was just one of those voiceovers where the, you know, do-prodes always think that they need their voices like low and gravely and vindicely as possible. Right. The problem is when you're a Mormon, you don't do the required smoking to get to that point. So you just sound like you're doing a Kathleen Turner impression. That's just... Just munching candy cigarettes in the booth.

But that guy comes in and he's like, legend tells of an ancient grudge between Mormons and I was like, this is going to go so badly because it's like between Mormons and people of color. Right. That was your advice. Yes. Because it's between knee fights and laymen nights. Yeah. That's the story. Yeah. So yeah, and he tells us that only one knee fight remains. The hunted one. And we cut to that one knee fight Maroni. And he's running through the woods, right?

He's wearing fucking armor and carrying a sword which every... I know it's warm as I know how this works and everything. But every time I see it, I'm like, this fucking sword. Yeah. Come on. He might as well be wearing camo pants and like that. Yes, right, right. Trump 2020 shirt. So also they put him in sandals, right? Yes. Because he's desert Jew in their head. But he's running through the woods. So you watch this actor who's very attractive, by the way. I want to talk a lot about it.

You get to watch this actor be like, fuck you can't do this in sandals. Ow! I'm in so much pain. Ow! There's a twig all the way inside my foot. Oh. Fucking amazing. Yes, but he's running. He's the director too. So he's like... Yeah, he can't cut to himself. It's great. Right, right, the writer and director and a star. Yeah. If I was that hot, I would also make a movie about me taking my shirt off. I just don't know I would incorporate my spiritual practice. Yeah, right, right. I got it.

I think I would be like... And then a rabbi somehow. That's more visual. Oh, do I do this plus a damn den at once? Oh, okay. That's what I need to figure out. Eli's doing more visual gangs. Listeners at home, I wouldn't describe them to you, but no, I won't. Dan, I believe you had a question. Well, I was just going to say that him running through the forest with that sword was like in his leather gear and everything. That was the moment that I went, oh, this is last of the Mohonkeys.

Oh, what a ton. So, and... I was going to last of the Momo, he can see my head. Both work. Yeah. So then, and then we see our Lamanites. And this is the funniest thing about the fucking movie to me, because they've clearly gone to great lengths to try to be respectful to the Blackfoot culture. Right, they have them in like a true kind of... So, here, thank you for no ending my joke, but...

So they've gone out of their way to get the costuming ride and to get the face paint right, and they're using the actual Blackfoot language, which is a movie about how they're only Native American because they're so fucking sinful, right? Like, it's more disrespectful that they actually use the fucking culture. It would be like if the articles of Zion had really authentic Hebrew in them. Yes, right. That's not what we were going for. So, I appreciate it. There's also this great moment here.

Work is work. He's running along, he's being chased by the Lamanites or whatever, and he jumps, and it goes into slow motion. And it's the kind of slow motion that you'd normally reserve for a big stunt or a special effect shot. It's just a guy jumping high enough that like, you know, if you landed wrong, that would really hurt your ankle. Yeah. Which is going to have to be what... That's what we're going to settle for for Stuntwork in this film.

But then he's running along, and then all of a sudden, the emblem on his chest starts glowing like the Urkaya near. Yeah. I thought he was going to be a power ranger for a second. Right! And I was going to have to come out and apologize and be like, Hey, everybody, I'm sorry, this movie fucking rules! I became a Mormon! He kicked the buddy patrol in the chest, and then they exploded.

Is that Florida Mormon lore that they have like, cheesed by any sense, shing like the... I feel like I'm a farmer and can tell when a layman is closer to her. Oh, it's like Sting? Yeah. Yeah. Just a black guy walks by you at night, whoo! So it's like a cops gun, is what we're saying. Oh God. I'm a... Oh no! I'm against it. I'm on the other side. I think that's bad. I want to say, advertising in his feature. So... So I'm so true black people!

So his little chest thing glows, and I guess that's his signal to turn around and fight. Right? So he turns around, there's six guys, he's got his sword, he's got his armor, and I'm like, oh, I bet we're about to see a really cool big fight sequence with him, and never mind, scenes over. Yeah. That scene's over, we'll get back to it eventually, an hour and 25 minutes, we'll get back to it. But now it's time to slow things down a little bit. We get our opening title and everything.

We get this nauseous drone shot of a coastline for about eight years. Oh my God. I gotta say, like the cinematography is largely good in the scene. Sure. Yeah. But it's not... I will take issue, it's not a coastline, it's just the water. Eventually it's a coastline. Like they started a mile and a half out, and they were just filming from one foot above the water for 15 minutes. It is the quickest I have ever jumped a one and a half speed. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. So yeah, but it comes up and it goes some time earlier in the fifth century AD in ancient America. Damn. Some time earlier, that's a real... Well, and it's... That's it. Earlier than that other scene. They could say like... A week ago, it was 479 seconds. You know whatever you want. You're stupid fucking... It's your move. But they're so used to getting caught that they're like, I don't know, earlier. Yeah, right. Yeah. Somewhere in the sky.

Just looking at an unopened history textbook earlier. So we get... We cut to Maroni, he's meditating, and he's praying in Hebrew. Like for just a second we're like, oh, did they do the whole like... Passion of the Christ, do the whole thing in Hebrew in a like Native American dialect? No, they didn't. They did like nine words of it. Also, for those of you who aren't aware that he does a Jew voice in Hebrew, it's just super funny. Because he's like, hello friend.

Welcome to Marama, last of the Nephites. Right. From Salt Lake City. But in this one line, he's like, oh, me. Oh, fucking lighten Hanukkah candles. You guys gotta understand, we are plagued by language throughout this entire thing. We're gonna get Hebrew, we're gonna get Blackfoot, we're gonna get, like, you know, quasi... Again, fancy language. But it is... Yes. It is... There is no discernible reason why any of these languages come in or go out. No, it is astounding.

Is there a reason he checks his sundial here? I don't know. What the fuck was he... What's happening in his life? Did he have the ointment? He's right. What's he talking about? Mountain praying at 230, okay. It's word meeting at 3. No, no, you're gonna make that right? Epic sword fight with the laymen. It's still a pure white race. So time later, yes. You've completely forgotten that he has like, like, he's got to hit the gym, like, at the right moment. He does. He does not miss like day.

No, no, no. He's got a hustle culture Instagram, but there's no phone there. He's just like, so I wake up at 5 every morning. I listen to a book on two times speed while I'm on the treadmill. Stop! Help me! I have to point this fucking scene out. Is this such a great example of what a low budget piece of shit we're dealing with here? Because as he's meditating, he's like remembering back to more exciting and interesting moments. And there's this one scene where we cut to...

He was leading an army, of course. He was leading a great army. So he cut to his great army, all stunning, perfectly fucking still. Right? Might as well just be one guy with two mirrors on either side of the motorbite. And then there's a moment where Moroni lifts his spear. Right? We're looking at him from behind. We're looking at his whole army. He lifts his spear. And at exactly the time, you would expect the rest of the army to lift the spear too. We turned to just look at him.

Oh, I see you all lifting your spears as well. Rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, spear up, spear up, spear up. So we're doing a backflip on your horse just now. That was cool and dope. No, I don't know if you know this, but AI generated still images don't lift spear up. No, they don't. Yeah, as it turns out. And they definitely didn't have the budget for the AI-like video. Oh, no, no. So yeah, so then we switched from Hebrew to English because, come on. There's this very art, he's out like...

He's talking to God when he switches. He's praying and he's like, like, psych, God, do you mind if I switch to English? Let's use your favorite language, shall we? You're omniscient, aren't you? You already know what I'm saying here, right? There's also this weird, like, artsy shot of him making grass angels or some shit. I don't know. He was... The director was super proud of this moment, though, right? So then, okay, we cut... He's walking through the woods. He's being holy, he's being pious.

He's thanking God for all of this stuff, right? Blading the grass all Jesus style and everything. And then we have to get the very long shot of him working out. It's insane. This is just guy culture, like, injected into... For no good reason, like, the man has lost literally everything and everyone he has ever loved. But that's no excuse to skip lats. Yeah, right. Well, so what happened to... I love this scene. I don't know what you fucking guys are doing in the man. Yeah, great.

So what happened is this actor was like, I don't want to see my giant man tits. And I'm like... Yeah. Yeah, as we are. I spent the rest of the movie being like, you should probably work out again. Muscle lost happens a lot quicker than you think it does. Don't skip lats. There's also this great, but we watched him spear fish. And based on how tiny the little fish he gets is, I have to imagine this is really him spear fishing.

Right? So he like probably stood out there with that camera all fucking day. And the camera man's like, man, can we just put a fucking fish on that? I'm gonna hit it. His hot sweaty fat nephew. Yes. Up to his hips in the water. Please, Uncle Craig, catch your fish. Uncle Craig, I have the asthma. I told you when you said I could do this. You threw my inhaler out. You said it was allergic. It's okay. You said I could cure it with ice baths, but I just went into shock.

There was a moment where he... Your phone makes the grinder sound a lot. How do you know what the grinder sound is? Because I like to fucking party up. Yo, grinder in this city is fucking lit, Salt Lake City. Because you're all still attractive, so it's just self-hate the app for a second. It rules. His match with a bad year. There was a moment where he said, blessed be my rock, the god of Joseph. By the way, he's pronounced the way he pronounced. Oh, God. It becomes like oppressive.

But he said, blessed be my rock, the god of Joseph, ever be exalted, thy name. And I was having trouble hearing, so I put on the subtitles, and then I still couldn't understand it. Yeah, no, that didn't know how, no how, but all. And then we cut to the title card comes up and says, some distance away in Lamanite territory. Now, I want to put out, they've already explained to us that he's the only god damn Nephite.

So if we cut somewhere where there's someone that isn't him, we're in Lamanite territory, aren't we? If we cut anywhere, it is some distance away. Yes, it was. It is either here or there. It has to be one of them, yeah. So, and then we cut to Lamanite territory, and they're the fucking orcs in Lord of the Rings, right? They're just now they're tearing down trees to see him die and shit. We cut trees back on the menu, boy. Yes. And then we cut to his harem.

Now, this is where we're going to meet our love interest, whose name is Bath Sheba. Come on. Oh, man. When we found out that the name was Bath Sheba, I was like, there's, we, he named a character after the, like rape victim of the Bible. Yeah, right. There's no way that that's going to come back and be bad in any way. That's not potential.

Well, and I left you because up until this point, everybody's got like a black foot name, and they're all in black, but everybody's name is traditionally Native American. Except Bath Sheba, of course. And this is the scene where we first really encounter the confused language thing. Because like the way it works, we've seen the hunt for red October where, you know, they're talking, yeah, not the one you were talking about. Calm down. Yeah. Yeah, the actual one.

And then then then then then then then then then then. You got to get your iron somehow, am I right, Dan? And then then. No, I have a new appreciation for how hard my fucking job is right now, don't you? I hated that. That was the war. I didn't look at you because I would feel your hatred more, or we came over like a wave. So I wish he would stop.

So, but Bath Sheba is complaining about how God must hate her, because she can't get pregnant, and what is the point of being a woman if you can't get pregnant, right? And so. Okay. Oh yeah. It's a fucking JD's ring. That's true. And sitting here, so where was that? People, please do not announce your kinks during the show. I know. I said a bad example, and so I guess. And then. Sorry, sorry again. You are, you are desperately trying to say something about the language in this.

We don't have time for dance setups, dammit. It's a live show. What I was getting at is that the way that you do it is you start in their language to establish that they're not speaking our language. And then like you do some camera thing where you zoom in, and then when you zoom back out, everybody's in English. For the rest of the world. For the rest of the world. Yes. They start in English, they switch to black food.

They go back to English, one character's in English, and the others in black food. And I'm not making that up. No. Just a little bit of a random thing. Like, oh, you can't say that black food line. That's too hard for your mouth to say. Yeah. Right. It's going to be fine. I don't care. Yep. And also, can I just wait one more point. This is supposedly taking place in the year 400 CE. The first book of Mormon characters supposedly came to the Americas.

I think around 600 BCE, which means linguistically, they should be much closer to Hebrew than to modern black food. Just putting that up. And this movie's linguistically wrong. Yeah. See? So, oh, there's also something in here. Totally coming out of the fellow part, right? Yeah. Exactly. There's also a moment here where the conch mine that can't get pregnant gets into a fight with one of the other conch mines. I don't really remember why I think it's just her sister.

And, y'all, if Eli and Heath decided to wrestle right now, we would have the exact same fucking choreography as the book. A lot of sexual tension. Right. Yeah. Now, there's clearly moments where they're going like, no, I got you. You know, it's that fight scene. But then our bad guy comes in. Our bad guy, and so, again, this is all, you know, they're all supposed to be Native American. Most of them are like fucking Mexican, and they can't tell the difference. You know, the Mormons.

But the main bad guy is fucking Billy Zane. And he's a Ian. Now, if you write to me, he's the bad guy from Titanic, right? He was the bad boyfriend from Titanic. And the hero of a little film called the Phantom. Oh, was he? It comes back again. So, he comes in and he gives everybody the, like, you know, mom came in and you guys were fighting kind of a lot. I wrote my notes. He's doing the ancient Lamanite version of when Noah pauses for a real long time to give himself the edit.

After Keith and I have been on our podcast talking about Bread for 11 minutes with no jokes. You guys have seen that look already tonight. Also, can I just say, you know how Native Americans grow big, bushy beard? Because he has the fullest beard you've ever seen in your life. Pretty great. And then, like, one tough of hair that goes all the way down from top.

And it makes the authentic Native American stuff so weird by comparison, because they must have been expertly applying makeup to people's faces while looking at historical documents. And then Billy Zane walked in, stoned off a fucking carpet cleaner, and was like, I was thinking I'd talk like Al Pacino when I remember true. No, no makeup for me, thanks. I'm allergic. Oh, Billy Zer, he was punking them. Like, he was joking when he did this.

Oh, by the end of the movie when Billy Zane's just obliterated drunk and gives no more fuck. Oh, my God. And he actually sounds a lot like a little bit like you actually when you know when you're conquering code names and you're like, we're claiming things after winning. Billy Zane sounds like, I'm jealous. You do win a lot. Yeah, okay. So then we cut to Maroni. He's asleep in his cape. No, sorry, we should point out that Billy Zane hits the concubine here.

That's that's that's important to the plot. He beats her up. Then we cut over to Maroni. Because only the Lamanites do anything misogynistic. Right, oh, absolutely. Anything in Mormon history. Nephites don't have anybody left to do it to. So right, no, that's true. Right, that's true. Literally at this point, there is no misogyny in his cave by himself. Any Nephites. Yeah. The last misogyny for you moments of Mormonism. Yeah, right, right. Captured on film.

No, his binders were still filled with gold plates. Speak to which. Don't worry, don't worry though. He'll fix it. Yeah, yeah, no, you will. You will. So, so we cut to Maroni. He's asleep in his cave. He's having nightmares. God tells him to wake up and work on his gold plates some more. Okay, that was fun. God be in like Maroni. Maroni, wake up. It's God from HR. Just checking on the gold plates project. It's been going long. TPS. Yeah, for a cover zone on our gold plates now.

I also love that like metallurgy is like way easier than they've ever made it seem to me. Right. Basically all you need to do is chuck some rocks in a thing. Angrily, by the way, this is how you, if you need your fire a little hotter, throw the logs angrily at the fire. Right, well, you're adding more friction. Yeah, right, you're like infusing your burning hatred into the thing. And then gold. It's easy. So, and of course, as I know, we've got a lot of ex-mos in the audience.

How many of your ex-mormon? All right, yeah, so probably about half the audience here. So you guys are probably a little more used to the idea that the golden plates are in a fucking trapper keeper than I am. They actually, so they actually show him putting a new plate in it and it has the little hook like the fuck? The clenching, yes. I want him to get a finger caught and want him to be like, ow, ow! There's got to be a bit of a way. He actually gets the three hole punch offline.

Yes, and he has to like shove a goop plate and do a trapper keeper. He's got those little stickers so that they don't break on the thing. And the front of the gold plates, he's just got a piece of paper with all his best friends names on him. But it's just him because he's the only one who's not dead. Moroni. Also, can I get rock I found? Some states who I'm only holding my blood face on it. And he's scratching words into these golden plates.

Can I just say, for any of you who have tried to read this awful book, you would think that when your medium requires that much work to like smell something and melt it down a creative plate and scratch something, you would think an economy of words. Sure wouldn't get an album up. No, no. You did not go for that. So that wraps up and then we cut to him shirtlessly appreciating God. Hell yeah, again. Every time I got to jerk off to this movie, I was like, I'm getting them.

Cause there are two things that I promise you about the maker of this movie. He's listening to this podcast and he's sad I jerked off to him. And there's nothing you can do about that. There's no amount of ice bands or omega brain pills he can take that will stop me from being like, I'm your mechanic. I'm a feeling the listeners at home can guess what the gesticulation was there. So we're moving on. Was the hunt for late October.

So he's shirtlessly walking around appreciating God's creation when he hears a woman crying out from the woods. Okay, I'll be honest. I'm starting to get that bear thing. Right? Like I'd rather meet a bear in the woods than Maroni. I think he is the last white man on earth. Yeah. It's not great. And she, I was like, did she die? She runs crying in, falls to the ground and is out completely. She's just gone. I just was I honestly thought if she's dead, this movie is weirder than I thought of.

No. Yeah, but so he goes over to check on her. He like, he knows a damsel in distress when he sees one. So he goes to check on her. He brings her back to his cave so he can nurse her back to health. Now this is the concubine that got beat up earlier by Billy Zane. If I had a nickel. So I was in the fandom. We get this long series of scenes where he's basically like trying to make friends with her like a feral fucking cat. Oh, right. He brings her this plate of fucking disgusting looking food.

This food he brings her is what Noah Pictures when I say vegan restaurant. Black slop with twigs sticking out of it. He's a must-beginner strength. It's what TikTok calls a girl dinner. I was like, this meat you might work out. Yeah. He's bringing her that. Right. Also, there was a moment where she calls him, Haleface. Yeah. And he was really into that moment. Yeah, I wasn't either. Well, yeah, because you wake up and he's like staring over her.

And of course, she freaks out because you wake up with some dude staring over her. And he's like, hey, calm down. I saved you. You know, women, they don't like nice guys. You have a problem. You hit. Sweet. Do you guys feel like he was masturbating when she woke up? Okay. All right. Right. We all have that in our notes. Okay. I checked it. All four of us put that in our notes. Okay. She wakes up. That's what was happening there. Very clearly. The shot is this. Yes. Yes. Now, all right.

So, you're working on your golden plates. Because that's what they're going for. He's supposed to be quiet. He's sitting away from her carbonous golden plates. Like this in front of the fire. And then the fire goes out. And I'm like, wow, that's some volume right there. That's the hunt for white October right there. Holy shit. We found it. I thought he was going to be like, hey, layman, I'd let you good. You're up. Will you do me a favor and just like jump up and down next to me?

I'm just going to keep my hands still. You lock out all the way and then in this count. It's definitely square dancing if we do it. It's just a dosie, don't. If I move, it's a sin. But if you do it, it's fine. I think the reason he didn't see it as a masturbating moment is because he looked at the dailies and the only thing that he cared about was like, can I get more contrast shadow on my triceps? Yes. Yes, exactly. No, that's it. You're right.

He was cheating away from the camera to show us his triceps. I was trying to understand, just be like, oh, look at him. There's so much cut footage in this movie of him being like, well, you could go over there. Yes. But we ended up going to hell instead of... So no, okay. So no... Never. Like... Me. Yeah. I hate the U.F. muscle when you do that. It ruins the dead. Wrecked it. Right? Wrecked it. I don't like... There's something happen to Noah's arm and it upset me. No, it's...

It's the cut's clothing shirt. Oh, yes. It's like I have a muscle. I got to get one of those shirts. Well, it's for the sport of business. Yeah, exactly. Nice. My shirt makes me look fat and weak. Let me check. Oh, you know, it's fat and... I got a fat week one as well. Yeah, more shirt like... So then, okay. So now it's the next day and he... Chinese food at midnight is the brand. I don't know. I don't know if you guys have tried these. They're tri-blend. They're very soft. Very nice.

You can come into them. Sure can. They have to let you. So, okay. So, it's the next day, damn it. You guys are picturing me and he's doing the arm thing. So, it's the next day, damn. It's called a Mormon rudder. Mormon rudder, I like it. So... So, it's the next goddamn day. Damn, I brought you here so I wouldn't be outnumbered. God damn it. So, oh, I'm supposed to be on your team. I will. They're the ones that are fucking. I want to be on your team. All right, get the up to you. Oh, there we go.

I'm just picturing the director of the museum with contemporary art at the pack, which is a single tear running down her face. I just wanted to be in charge of a museum. Oh, God, by the time I get to this, the next day, probably it's going to be tomorrow. So, the next day she wakes up, he brings her an outfit. Which, where, why, what? Did he go shopping? Did he make that? Did he have that? Whichever the answer is, it demands more explanation, doesn't it?

But then, okay, I have to wait this out too. So, I always paused to write my notes as we're doing the movie. This movie is so fucking boring that after I wrote that note, I unpause, I miss. I thought I'd clicked the unpause, and it took me 30 goddamn seconds to realize I hadn't. That's how, this movie paused in this movie going. It's hard to tell the difference. But this is where they first start chatting, right? This is their actual meat cute, where he explains what a polyglot he is. And then?

Mormons get it. Yeah. And then she... And this is, by the way, I promise I won't get too hung up on the language thing too late. I know. But this is, the English Blackfoot thing is really annoying in this. Yes. She's speaking mostly Blackfoot, and he does a little bit of Blackfoot. And it's a... I just think Darren Scott, who wrote and directed and started in this movie, saw Pocahontas and genuinely thinks that there are magic trees that somehow make white people able to understand.

But in this edition, it's not some point. Also, why does every sentence by a Native American character in a white guy's movie? Why does it have to be with like weird, grovy tossed? They're just doing small talk here. Yeah. People just talk normal sometimes. Just like, oh, so your tradesman is your job back in the day, but it has to be like weird... What do you do with white men? Yeah. And also, but there's also that.

So that's the other thing we have to point out is that they do the whole like 1950s engine speak. Oh, yeah. Right? There's no congenutions. There's no articles. And it's like, she's supposed to be speaking her fucking language. Right. Yeah. Apparently she talks like a five year old. I guess. Yeah. So, but she goes to leave because they start talking about it. Like she's like, you're a neat fight and you, you, you, me fights kill my people. And he's like, I've never killed a laymanite.

I led a force of 10,000 people who I ordered to kill laymanites, but that's different. So she goes to the no go peace prize for that. Yeah, right. So, but she goes to leave and he calls after her and he goes, you know, where I come from, we have no masters. And again, I'm like, it's like, it's a stance point. You're the only fucking guy. You come from a cave, man. Yeah. Right. Right. I'll figure lying about your fake history.

Right. Yeah. You just said you ordered 10,000 people into battle and they all fucking died. I feel like that sounds like a master to me. No, she's not a master general because literally he got everybody killed. Yeah. Right. Right. That's not a great military. Yeah. So, but he promises to teacher about freedom and she's in. So they want the long expositing together. This is the point where they're like, he's like pointing out Mormon landmarks and stuff.

He's like, that's the hill Camora, totally different than gumora. It's very different sounding entirely if you think about it. I want to in upstate New York right now where the blackfoot tribe is from. You know the lush forest dense forests of upstate New York. Yeah. I wanted a home sick teenager in a black name plate to come up. Hi, can I help you guys with any fuck off? The warrants in the audience are loving that one.

So, so he's showing around like by our target Eli and a visit in my home town. Right. He's like, that's the field where I sit and think a lot. No, literally. No. That's yes. You just said that's my thinking place. Yeah. Meet think there. And I found you over there. Yeah. Earlier in the movie. Now it's now. Now it's now. So I'm living. Now it's now.

So, and then he started, they started talking about Aaron about her husband and, and, and, and of course she's got this big fake black eye the whole time. She's like, you know, my husband is a great man and he says, a man who hits you is not great. And she is soaking wet. Splush. Yeah. Like, there's a, I thought that was a waterfall sound in the background. Ben Sheer Piro ran in with a medical bag. It was bad. So. But he grew consultants.

But, but, unless you think that like he's gone woke or anything, he literally list his next sentence starts with the word woman. Totally. Yeah. So, so that night, though, she wakes up and she sees him working on his gold plates. And it can't ever have me. Elias. Elias, seriously working on his gold plates. Find a nickel. Yes. Can I ask you guys something? I'm genuinely asking. Were there candles in ancient, upstate New York? Yes. Because his place is, it's, I mean, he went to bedbath and beyond.

It is. Oh, yeah. Everywhere. You know, it's got a fan to vibes. Yeah. I'm surprised he didn't have a fog body took her on it one moment. Yeah, right. Please. So, and there's also this moment where it's like, he's, so it's the next day, right? And he's like, so I was going to go out and, uh, and think you want to go think with me. And she's like, no. I'm going to go think. Do you like. Boughts. I wrote my notes that he then writes school of flirtation.

Yeah. Several things that happened with this character. Yeah. Felt attacked. So, and she declines, uh, because she wants to know what the fuck it is that he's been jerked off to every night, right? So he leaves and we get her like tear in the place, so tear in the cable part trying to find his gold plates. And once he leaves, she does, right? And so she's going to, she wraps him up. She's going to run away with him and she's got him in both hands and I write my notes.

Well, at least she doesn't have a carrying them in one fucking hand, right? And just as I finished typing that she moves him over to one fucking hand. She's got a husband move. Yes. She's got him off one finger. She's smitten him over her hand. They're just folding. Gold. How much could it weigh? You're right. Yeah. Then she immediately drops. Yes, she trips. Yeah. So she trips and she falls and this insanely hot angel shows up. Was this guy, was that supposed to be Jesus? Yeah, it's Marona.

Marona. Oh, see, I was a Mormon, but I wasn't privy to the deep lore. I'm sorry. So yes, so, okay. And he was even more fuckable than the, the star of the show. Oh, yeah. He was crazy hot. So, but she sees this super hot ghost angel and she's like, I got to take these plates back. Right? So, I was like, I want to stick around with the fuck this guy shows up, my guess. So, she takes the ship back. And when she goes back, she sees, he's got this, Marona has this parchment hanging on his wall.

And she sees that it has the same symbol that the super hot angel had on his breastplate. Which, correct me if I'm wrong. It is the cobra insignia from GI Joe. Yes, it is the cobra. It is definitely that. Okay. He is cobra. Yeah. That's the fucking deep lore for you. Oh. So, but then we get this. It is Exmo Joe. So, okay. So, now it's that night we get this great scene where he's like, he's praying for forgiveness for letting her in his cave. Right? And she's right fucking there.

He's just praying out loud. He's like, God, I'm so sorry that I let her be in my, I just wanted to get laid so bad. The Exmo's get it. Yeah, right? And he's like kneeling in front of other Marona. She woke up and like, she was like, so I saw that other glowy guy that you were kneeling in front of. Shut up. He's not in the movie anymore. I mean, what's his deal? Do you think he'd like be into a group play? Yeah, right. Right. Who knows that's the funniest fucking thing? Because she sees him.

She looks over and she sees the super hot angel and she's like, I think I'll stick around. Yeah. I think I'll stick around. I think he's heard of a Lamanite steamer. I'll do it. It's fine. Scraving both elbows. So okay. So now it's, it's how I love this scene. So God damn much. So it's the next day. They're carrying their water gourds back to the cave. They go to poke into the cave and there's this ominous growl. And he's like, she's like, can I look in there?

He's like, we don't have a bunch of for that now. You'll have to trust me. It's a bear. I literally just, I'll just poke my stick randomly into here and up there. Yeah. And I have to point this out. This is a minor moment, but they're breaking one of the most basic fucking rules of filmmaking in the universe right here because they're having this conversation where we're cutting from him to her to him to her.

What they're doing is they're switching which sides of the screen they're on every time. Right. This is like rule number one of them. Donald James fucking Parker has never done that. Right. The guys from leap knew better than to do that. So furious when it was like a dance. Meanwhile, this also it is to be pointed out that this back and forth is happening. There's a bear three feet away from them in a cave. And they're like, and angry enough to growl like he's pissed.

What should we do about this? Do you have any thoughts? Chicken fight. She also communicates nothing and he gets chicken fight. She does this. And he's like, you want to play Marco Polo against the bear? By the way, and this probably won't make the cut so get ready live show. We had a pretty big fight backstage about me and he's trying to reenact that chicken fight moment. I think I should have been top guy. What? April. How dare you?

If anybody's supposed to be on my fucking side, you're like, oh. Who thinks he this, I'm so sorry. Who thinks he this bottom? Two people. And my mom's a only person. Yeah. You did that backwards. That's what Heath wanted. Yeah, you got to want it to be a battle. Exactly. After the show we're having a tournament. So make your partners. So it's going down. It can't be a person you know though. Let's make it weird. All right, so this is my favorite moment in this.

So she gets out of shoulders and they scare away the bear right now. They're big and that's how you scare away bear. And we cut to this shot of this bear running away. Now the shot of the bear running away is it's blurry. He's way the fuck away. He's behind a bunch of fucking foliage. It's a different time of day. It's totally different. It's a city street. Yeah, exactly.

So what clearly happened is when they were out filming something they got shot of a bear from a fucking distance and they're like rewrite the goddamn script. Where you going? Yeah, we know what I was looking for a place to put urine in the script. Yeah, this is actually perfect. They're going to work it in. Yeah, great. This is great. So I wanted so bad the bear to just push him off. Sorry. And with what? What are you doing? Are you chicken fighting me? I'm a bear.

All right, so start of curiosity. Would you rather be in the woods with me? Yeah. So that's super me, right? You might be wondering why it is that Dan just said they wanted pee in the movie. Well, that's the next scene. Yeah. They're trying to figure out what to do about the fact that this bear is now getting into their cave. And she's like, I know what to do. We need to go jerk off a wolf. So. But when I suggested it on the podcast, it's all shut up, Eli.

So can I just say that the number of times they use the phrase bear impediment is it's too many times. One is too many times. But I just figured that this guy can't conceive of a world where he is without his favorite bushcraft items. Yes, right. Right. So yeah, so now the idea here is they trap this wolf. They're going to go get the wolves pee and use the wolf's peed to scare off the bear. But it looks for all the world.

Like he's just back there jerking off the wolf while they're making a small talk. Why? So this is a random wolf that is just tied to a log. Like they just keep them sporadically through the ones. We're supposed to think they said some kind of trap and caught the wolf in a leggy loop. By the way, this wolf fucking dog. Oh, yeah. It's a pug, right? It's a harsky mix that they're queer couple loaned them. And she goes over and she's like, and the dog starts peeing. That's how pee works.

Do they squeeze? So the pee? I get the dog. Again, that's not how pee works. So they get that and now they're like they're putting the piss around their cave. And she says, and you think this is going to come back and she's just fucking pumpkin them, right? She says, no, you have to flick it. Oh, yeah. And last longer if you flick it. Let me tell you something. I was a boy scout. I've been camping many times.

If someone tells you, gives you a gourd full of piss and tells you to spread it around the camp to ward off bears. And then tells you you have to sprinkle it with your hands to make it last longer. That's just good old-fashioned camp. Yep, yep. Yep. But also, if you bring me a gourd full of piss, you need to open with, don't drink that. So my favorite is I am thirsty for me. So I'm so thirsty. It's so gross. Damn it. Now we gotta go milk the wolf again. All right.

You found your way to the hunt for yellow. So, my favorite moment of this whole scene though, as they're flicking the piss at one point, Maroni just sniffs his fucking fingers. Hey, do I enjoy wolf pee or I forget? Nope. Still not a fan. All right, well, tell you what, piss sniffing is about as close to something happening as we're ever going to get from this movie. So we're going to take a quick break here. But we'll back in a minute with even more of the oath. Hey Steve, you got a second?

Oh, hey regular guys, I hired to make this movie. What's up? Right, yeah. Which has had some questions about the script that you hired us to film? Yeah, sure. Is there a problem? Kind of. We're worried that some of the depiction of Native American people in the movie, they're a little insensitive. Yeah, look, guys, I get it. The Book of Mormon is an old book, but what religious text doesn't have some issues? Yes. Plus, we made sure that everything in the script is authentic.

We're using real tribal makeup and Native American actors for the evil laminites. And, and they're speaking real blackfoot. We hired a language expert and everything. That's so much worse. Okay, well, how about this? Is a skull? Yeah, yeah, for the graveyard sheet. I'll have you know, my grandfather killed and fuck this guy himself. He, um, you know what, I'm going to go, I'm going to go set the cameras somewhere else. Set the cameras, I got to go set the cameras to your thing, guys.

Let me know if you need anything else. Yeah, we'll do. Yeah. Did he say kill, then fuck? I don't want to talk about it. And we're back live from Salt Lake City. Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you. And so, okay, so we're going to rejoin the action. A big action. We're going to rejoin the movie with Bathsheba. So fucking, she's now asking Moroni about the logistics of his fucking cave fire. She's going so fucking boring. Are you sure you can smell golden there? That doesn't sound right.

Look, unlike real Mormon, modern Mormon marriages, Bathsheba learns about Moroni's boring stupid hobby that he'll be obsessively doing to La Laurs the night before they get married. Oh, there you go. That's actually kind of cool. Yeah. Yeah. He's, he's, he's talked about how he can't sleep because of all of his trauma from his old wife and kids that died years ago. And she's like, well, maybe you could do something to, you know, take your mind off of that.

And, and he goes to lock elbows with her, right? Obviously. And then she points to some old whittling in the, in the corner of the cave. And she's like, like, you could whittle. And he's like, yeah, no whittling. I know I wanted to whittle. He has this weird, like, I can't go back to the whittling life kind of a moment here though, right? I'll, I shall never whittle again. I really don't want to move past the way she says, hey, you're up late. Because the phrasing that she uses, Yes.

You burn flame with bats. Which I feel like, I feel like there was a late night where Darren Scott, the writer of this film, was like a director and star. Can I run a few, listen, I've been trying to come up with like a Native American way to say you're a very late. Can I just run a few of these by you? Sure, yeah, let's work out that. It's gonna work out great. How about this? You eat moonwampum. Oh, Jesus. Okay. I like it. Let's keep going though. Let's keep going. You powwow with the stars.

That's better. That's better. You smoke them peace pipe with 230 AMs. That feels like you want the night. I do, but yeah, I don't like it. Let's go with the flame bats. Flame bats. That's good. Flame bats. If I put a lot of money in that idea, Dr. Can we do none? Can you stop making this movie when I need to pay you? No, none of those are up. How much raw milk can I feed our kids before you'll stop talking to me? Right. So he's like, I'm gonna go start whittling now.

Yeah. So, but she suggests the whittling and he has this heartbroken moment where he can't, you know, he thinks about the whittling. So he goes outside to have this contemplative shot of his hair blowing in the wind. He misses his kids so much. It turns daylight. Yeah, it does. It does. It's the middle of a bucket day. The middle of the night and then suddenly he's like, I'm gonna go outside and it's like, oh, the sun's gonna just go. Yeah, right, right. So okay.

So he comes back in and damn it if she hasn't cooked dinner like a good Mormon wife. And at this point, she's like, she's like, I want to know more about this golden book of years. I want to learn from it. And I thought, there is a fucking Mormon fantasy, right? Could you tell me more about the book of Mormon? Please, very interesting. Teach me the truth. I'm seeking the truth of the universe and elbow contact. Let's do this.

I want religion explained to me, but by someone who's never seen a poop before. Yeah, right. Right. So he teeth. He teeth. They don't let them have water. It's my favorite thing. They're now allowed to loosen their tie though. And you get to call mom twice. Twice a year. No, they already had twice a year. Now you can do it once a week. Yeah, this is bullshit. Right? So I can convert anyone to God at that rate. He's talking to mommy on FaceTime. So he gets out his little, he's got a chart.

I guess he's got like a visual aid for Mormonism that he gets out. And he starts pointing to different characters. He's like, oh, this is, this is Alma. He says, go a lot. This is Mosiah. The great. I don't remember what we did voice wise for him. And then, but they actually have a moment where they have to make fun of how stupid their book is, right? Because he has to keep going, well, this is, well, this is Maroni. And this is also Maroni. I'm also Maroni. Fuck. He actually.

Yeah, there's lots of sounds for names that you can use. They do not know. No, this is extra funny because there is a Mormon apologetic that says that Joseph Smith couldn't have just made it all up. Because he would have had to come up with all of those names. Oh, she's. You think he came up with a brilliant name like Antinifilee, Heizard. She's off the top of his head. Which is also funny because if you live in Utah, like every third child is named Bricksley or Keldrick cert.

Every tale or, those are all real. I look those up. Oh, yeah. A lot of G.H. is in the children's names in this thing. Yep. So, yeah, so he's showing her this little scroll that he's got, right? This guy, like the Book of Mormon visual thing going on. And you can tell by the way they do this, that they thought when they filmed this, they were going to have the money to animate the scroll.

So, like, he imagined people on this scroll coming to life, like in the beginning of Black Panther or something like that. But they didn't have the budget for that. So, all that happens is there's these little star flashes here and there that twinkle here on the fucking hands. He's talking about Smith. It's so good. There's an amazing moment where she's, he's like, she starts to tell him about like her lore about their ancestors, right?

Because they both, they eventually came from like one little family. And she's like, she tells her whole thing and he's like, uh-huh, yeah, that's cute. No, what really happened is, no, you said that my ancestor was mean to your ancestor. But no, actually your ancestor was the dick to my ancestor. Yeah. You guys killed my guy, I know, wouldn't submarine when they were doing a thing. And she's like, sorry, what? So, yeah, no, it's not the wooden submarine, thank you.

That's a different, that was a different group. That was the, let's say anti-Nefali, I swear it's an inshed. What's it? So, so, but then there's this weird apology, I guess this, yeah, right? Right? Like there's gonna be math there or something, you know, or the fucking path. We're gonna get more ducca. Yeah. We could have killed those brain cells. So, like the little Nephites they were. Yeah. So, but there's also this weird apologetic here, right?

Where if she's like, but, but, but, layman, my ancestor was the older brother, so he should have been in charge. Right? And they're like, no, he's like, no, remember in the Bible with Jacob and he saw. Oh, no, no. Oh, right. He saw. He saw. Y'all call. Y'all call. Who became Israel. Like the over-pronunciations, this is the guy who went on one foreign vagabondons. And for like the next 15 years is like, oh no, it's actually Barthelona. Yes. I practice karate. It's karate.

I remember when I was in Ibiza. So. Gotta hate you. So, but she's, but he's explaining like, you know, Nephi actually is the good guy in the story. And that's what his book is all about. And she's like, well, why is the book of Mormon so important? He's like, well, because if you want a holy book to work, it has to be two-boring to read. Right? But he explains that he would give his life to protect the Golden Place only in the third act, obviously. What's amazing is why, for whom?

Like, your people are gone. There's nothing that don't protect them anymore. It's fine. Well, he knows, he knows Joseph's comment. And later, oh, he does. He does know that. The other... Y'all said... Y'all said... Y'all said... Y'all said... We'll eat mozzarella together. Yes. And practice our not going down. Yeah. So... With President Kamala Harris. You got it. It's hard for some of us. You got it right that time, Eli, actually. You got it right during the... Trying to... That was a bit...

So now she wants to learn his... These languages, she can read that awesome book of Mormon of his. And so we have this montage of her learning a new language. It's exciting as you think that it would be. He makes a little fucking flashcards. They show her like practicing with her flashcards. Flash rolls? Yes. Yeah, right. Which is like where we learn that they have paper and ink. So what's with all the plates? Why are we just write it down on paper? Right? So, but yeah, was we get that scene?

Mormonism could be an email. Come on. Let's go. This is so much work we've gone with Jesus. Come on. So we cut to the... Now we cut over to the laymenites that are out hunting her. I guess there's a laymenite hunting party that Billy Zain has sent out to find his concubine. And they're having this conversation. They're like, they start off like, it's been four weeks and not a trace. I'm like, how the fuck far did she run? Right? Because she's been in the same fucking place this whole time.

We found evidence that she did milk the wolf, though. So we can... We know she's been around here. Yeah. So, and this is also where we learn that one of the laymenites hunting them is Beth Sheba's sister. Right? She will be a bit of a character. There's a great scene here where she pulls a knife on Cole Hor, one of the other henchmen for calling her a childless cat lady. Right. Yep. But... It's not a super effective moment because they've given them these pseudo-nate of American weapons.

And hers isn't very sharp. So she's like, I'll slit your throat. I mean, I won't... Don't you spit it out, not for all these people. Don't you do it, don't you do it. Everyone's watching. Everyone is watching. We got it! All right. Audience at home, I don't even know where to begin. He's was trying to take a drink of water. Eli pretended to slit his throat with a bottle of water. He did not succeed in drinking this bottle of water.

It's not the ejaculation that you wanted, but it's the ejaculation that you got in. The hunt for Clayton and Eli hung out, I swallowed. We're going back to the movie. So... Moving on. And I said, ladies and gentlemen, we got it. Yeah. So then we cut back to Marona and Bathsheba being boring. And I showed you not, I wrote that line. I wrote that we cut back to them being boring. And the first fucking line out of Bathsheba's mouth when we cut to the scene is, you're boring.

Yeah. The movie has paused to call itself boring. It's literally... Yeah, she's just basically like, meditation is dumb. This is why we're in the thinking place. Can we make an activity where Marona's watching at this? Yeah, she bonks them on the head with the rock and he's like, alright, fine. Yeah. Probably do something with the movie. There is kind of a self-congratulatory, like you, Marona's all you're thinking. Yeah. Kind of a moment here. But she decides she wants to do archery practice.

Right? So they go to archery practice and I think, and myself, what a lazy way for them to introduce that she's a great archer. Because obviously later in the movie it'll come back and she'll have to use her archery. She will never use her. No, not to have archery at any point. But there is a great moment where he's like, wait, you're supposed to practice archery? Yeah. No wonder all of my people are like... Yeah, right, right. They didn't tell us about practicing. What?

Cut to a flashback of the deep fight army just... Oh, God! I let go of the front. Check the chromosomes that target... Oh, God! Yeah! So... So then he hands at this tiny little pill that he's got a note and he's like, I want you to read this. It's a Mississa. He said, you read this scroll out of my Mississa. Yeah. So he reads it and at first I read like anti-abortion propaganda. But basically what it was saying is you can tell how much God loves you by how pregnant you are. Right?

Like, isn't that like... Basically the message there? So he's like, yeah, no, if God loves you, you'll have a lot of kids. Why are you crying and running away? Hold on. He runs away but they're in a tiny cave. So he has to be like, I'm running... Now I'm mad over here slightly further away. It will take you several scootches to reach me white mess. Meanwhile, he... Like, he has just given her something to read. It has made her cry and run away and he just stares at her like, yep, this is normal.

Yep. And then because this movie is so stupid, we cut from where we are to where we are. Right? But later. And so now we get him. He's coming in from a hard day of fucking whatever the hell his appointments on his sunday hell were. He comes in and she... He was on a podcast. Talking about my diet. Yeah. So he comes in and of course she's now naked and trying to seduce him because he wrote and directed this film.

So if he has this moment where they have this whole mussel squeeze the titties kind of a moment and he turns away, she gets offended and she runs away. She runs off. Which is funny because then he suddenly like, wait, I changed my mind. I wasn't moving. No, I just needed a minute to get fluffed and ready. Fuck. I didn't see that coming. I'm seven years older than you, damn. So he chases out after yelling and she's nowhere to be found. Apparently this one runs at fucking flash speeds clearly.

And this is where we get TANs best worst. Just running around in a circle. Why? There was one woman left. What? You know, if we try, like we, honestly, we were going to try to recreate this for you. Our insurance company told us we were not allowed to interfere with injury. It was so fucking stupid. You see this actor realize throwing his heart. Yep. He's a big strong mussely guy and he just assumes he's going to like fucking wing it a mile into the distance.

Right? It's going to go being over the dip over it. But he's just like, ah, oh, I guess there's a technique to it. Well, the funniest thing is he actually knocks himself over. Right? Because he throws him with his right hand and that doesn't go great. He tries left hand. So he fails throwing with his dominant arm and he's like, I'll probably be able to do a better switch. He tries lefty and throws so badly lefty that he falls to the ground physically. And in real life. Exactly.

There's no way that was it because it was intentional that he wouldn't have fallen in such a way that his entire fucking ass was visible as a bell. It was. I mean, again, I'm not complaining. That was a... Speaking of wrinkles of his rectum. The pucker of his bifold. Speaking of naked ass. Can we just pause to remember that she was naked when she ran out of the... Yes. She is running around in the forest naked apparently. Well, he's the only one out there so she shouldn't be...

She should be fine. So the bear will take good care of you. Yeah, right, right, yeah, exactly. So actually, yeah. The bear's just sitting there smoking. Should've chose me. Yep. So he goes back to the cave. And this is how quickly this movie diffuses its own goddamn tension. He goes back to the cave. She's there. She shays your mind. Apparently she ran off and got attacked by a wolf. You don't know. It's a Canadian wolf. You don't know her. And then...

And then came back so he could nurse her to health again. Yeah. And you see, you visibly see on his face. He's like, oh, thank God I can stop dramatic acting and go back to this. Yes. Just monotone whispering. Emotions over. We get this moment of him jumping around looking for all the herbs. He's going to need to help her or whatever. Crouching tiger, hidden Mormon. Yeah, exactly. So then, okay, so it's... Now it's, I guess, a day later, sometime later, whatever.

He comes back to the cave from a hard day at the office or whatever. And I can't tell if she's made herself a new dress or is she now wearing the one that he gave her? She's wearing the one that he gave her. Or is she showing off that her boobs aren't out this time so he doesn't have to run away? Eh? Hello. Yeah. And he looks at her and he goes, out of fucking nowhere. Appropole of nothing, he goes, I would never hurt you. She's like, nope, bear. No. I know where this goes.

She comes back with a bear on her shoulders, you know? Ooh. Scary boy. You don't think we're tall. Tell him you read white fragility. Yes. So he says, he says, I have an epistle that I'd like you to read. And he's like, are we fucking or I thought, God, what? Are you taking a scroll out right now? This explains why we're not fucking. So she starts reading this scroll and it's a letter that his dad wrote about how awful the Lamanites are. Which is fucking hilarious because she's a Lamanite.

Right. He's like, I want to offer this to you by way of apology and she starts reading it. She's like, Lamanites are fucking awful. They're shitty and they smell funny and he's like, what the fuck? He's like, keep going. And they're feeding each other to each other. Yeah, they're cannibals. They're terrible. Yeah, but more fueling or no, more fueling. He says it gets better and then she's like, but also Nephites are terrible and rapists.

Yep. Right. And that's like, I think that's how it even zown, I guess. She's like, he's like, see we all suck in unity. But this is, and of course this is something from the Book of Mormon. Right. So this is actually just Joseph Smith talking unapologetically about how savage Native Americans are. But this is his way of apologizing for not fucking. Real. That was an involuntary, uh. That is a trauma born, uh, my friends. That first came out at like 14 and never went back in.

Several bishops yelled at that person for that. So yeah, but this is where we learned the oath from the title. It's not that he's like, I couldn't have sex with you because I would violate my oath. And she's like, so you took it oath to celibacy? She says, no, I took it oath and not fucking laminites. But if you change religions, let me tell you something. The oath that he refers to multiple times has a different thing every time he talks about it. Yes. Oh no, I violated my oath by lying.

Oh, no. We never learn what this fucking oath is. Well, I think the oath is I'm going to change your religion with Medic. Like that. Yep. That's more menacing, right? That's her. That's her right. That's not his oath. So he tells a pearl necklace of great price. So I would have to use dick trins and covenants before that. So no, but she says I'll take the oath too and then we can fuck. And he's like, okay, so here's the oath.

You have to promise that you will resist evil and defend your family even on to bloodshed. Which again, is really fucking creepy when you consider this is something that Joseph Smith was making people swear. Right? But will you kill for me? Right? And I wrote a joke in my fun little podcast notes being like, can you imagine if people use this in their wedding vows? And then I googled it and you weird ass fuckers dude.

The first thing that came up was a bride with an AK-47 saying that and then she was like, I'm saying that and then shooting the gun into the air. Oh my god. The human experiment has failed my friends. They were like, oh I'm sorry, did you want a satire this Eli? We're next to a preschool playground. God. Why does this keep happening? Well then we got to the bad guys stalking around and just as though to promise that something's going to happen eventually, right?

Yeah, that's yeah, we're skipping. So I have help in that. He does not our notes. So that's the boy Lama. Right? And that one. Is it? Is it upside down? It does. It doesn't matter. Yeah, it doesn't matter. It works all the way. Yeah. I'm so glad to have internet on my laptop anymore because one time he looked over and I was just full on playing Slay the Spire in a letter. So hot is lost. We cut to the bad guys.

They're still stalking around promising something's eventually going to happen and there's this great moment where one of them's like, we should just turn back and tell him we couldn't find her. And the sister is like, no the fuck we want. And so cohort, the other henchmen, the secondary henchmen, he throws his little ax down. And a bunch of bees pop out of the law. Oh. Now this in this dumbass movies universe, those bees have now created an impenetrable barrier. Yeah, right.

The earth might as well just ripped open. What do they think is happening geometrically there? So he's doing the supermarket aisle thing with the bees. He's like, oh, wait. You go, you go. I hold them. Whatever he's doing, due to standing there for a while just surrounded by bees going. I guess I can't. You're on that side of the bees. Yeah, right. But that's sheba's sister. The hunter moves on. Yeah. She's beyond the bee wall at the time of the creation of the bee wall.

Everybody else is like, and that bay like a horse at water. They don't know what to do. Nobody's running. Nobody's like, ah bees. They're just like, ah. Well, no bees are like, nobody gets to the next scene. That was the last day I've already passed us. The next scene is that way. We'll let her go. All the bees have tiny clipboards. You're not on the list, man. I don't know what you're saying. Yeah. So now they're split up. Meanwhile, the bee list. All right. That was pretty good.

That was pretty good. That was pretty solid. So meanwhile, Maroni and Bathsheba are doing absolutely goddamn nothing. They're walking around and she's going, I'm happy like that eagle. And he's like that eagle. She's like, it represents freedom later in the movie. He's like, oh, okay. At one point, he says in the scene, if you're in the clouds, I'm in the vermin. And that's my new, if you're a bird, I'm a bird, everybody. She feels free.

I just, at this point, checked and I was only halfway through the movie. I was like, I feel like a rabid raccoon caught in a rusty trap. But she feels free. That's good. Oh, she's going to squeeze pee out of me and then flick it. Yeah. To scare off a bear who's actually really helpful in this scenario so far. But there's also, they also do that cliche where she just starts spinning because she's so happy. Yeah. Guys, I've never spun with happiness. I hate to say that.

I hate to admit that I've never reached that old man. I know, right? Who wants to see Noah spin with happiness right now? You got to do it. All right. All right. Well, you're going to have to give a hell of an ovation at the end of the show. That's all I'm saying. Oh. Oh, sure, but you do a standing leap onto the stage of chatting to Fishbone. We asked for a single spin and they're not good enough. So it's patrons only shit right there. Yeah, right, right, right.

No, honestly, though, this thin as my blood is now with all these, I think it's like a center of fuge, you would just all go to the ashes or something. We can't risk it. I just don't want to kill us all the while you're just skinned. Everyone's getting triglycerides to the face like a Gallagher show. It's like Shamu. You got to pull up a little bit of tarp or something in front of you. We smash Noah with a sledge and make Gallagher. Yeah. So then, okay.

So then we get... I feel bad that I thought of that too. I was like, yeah, that's what you're going to get in the front. All right. So then we get a Marone, I bring it over to the Golden plates in this very like you are ready moment, right? And she says... It feels like, okay, I'm finally going to let you read my erotic Star Wars fan picture. Just don't make fun of me. Yeah, okay. You've got to promise you're going to be nice about it.

Yeah. Last mall does have two dicks going like he had the double lightsaber thing. And I know canonically that doesn't make any sense because what the... Go with it, man. Just go with it. Just go with it, okay. And probably it'll be adopted into canon. So, but here's the thing though, is that she swore earlier in the movie that she would never touch the gold plates again, right? As a condition of being able to stay there. So now he has to turn the pages for her as she reads. And I feel like...

Fuck the gold stuck together. That's... I don't know why the gold is stuck. You don't want to read what's on that page anyway. That's fine. So yeah, so you turn it. That's the page with Mace Windu. Yeah. He has been with a put Samuel Jackson in the Star Wars movie and he was just like, hi, I'm Samuel Jackson. Be boop super robot. I'll kick you in the fucking face. So I want a purple one. Now, I also have to point out what's going on here in this movie, right?

So we are watching what may very well be the most boring thing you could possibly watch, right? So watching people read is the go-to-it-sit. The childhood of a lot of people. Yeah, right, right. This is what you're talking about, yeah. So he's the thing. Watching someone read on screen. Most boring thing ever, right? The Book of Mormon. Most boring thing to read ever. This is the most boring thing ever times the most boring thing ever at this point. Inside the most boring movie. Right. Yes, yes.

Oh, yes, exactly. She's also boring inception. She also, at one point, says, the legends are true. So like she knew it was a legend, but now she believes it. There's nothing more Mormon than claiming something is true because it's in writing. Yeah, right, right. You got a book. Yeah. Oh, Dan gets the first applause break. Well done. So in it. Like the bank statements of Bane Capitol. It's like, no, we wrote it down, just kidding. So, but now she's so excited.

They get to the end of the Book of Mormon. And she's like, oh, I wish there was more. Like another one of these Mormon fantasies. If only there were doctrines and covenants I could read. But then, then we see the two of them meditating back to back. Yeah, they can finally start their shitty health and wellness YouTube channel. Oh, yeah, there you go. Okay. So back to back meditation with your laymanite girlfriend. That's what the Mormon's call missionary position, right? Oh, God. It's good.

It's good. They meditate more. Meditate more. You meditate more. Oh, my God. I'm being mindful. Oh, God. Monkey, my God. Think about nothing. I got it. Which one of us was the laymanite? Come on, Harris. Oh, no, she became a laymanite. She was in and then. Yeah. So, she used to be a knee fight now. She's the layman. And I'm fine with both. I'm fine with both. So, is she a knee fight higher? Is she a knee fight higher? That's what I'm asking you. Knee fee, I high.

So, now we've got to the sister, right? The sister's still on the hunt. She's covering herself in the mud so that she's ready to face the predator. And then she smells a dead wolf. So, she runs over. She finds this dead wolf and she's like, only my sister would have killed the wolf like that. Oh, I thought that she had killed it when she was attacked. I was like, fair play to you, nice. Yeah, I think that's what we're supposed to be going for.

I was like, maybe I do want to check out your YouTube channel. That's pretty bad out. Yeah, but so she's found her. She's on the trail now. So, something's going to happen in any minute. Okay, like the movie's telling you that I can understand with all the lies while you might not believe it. So, I'm going to give back through the hard sell here for you. Okay. Will the last act of this movie contain possibly my favorite scene in the history of God off of movies?

Did I watch that scene text Eli about it? Watch it again, text Heath about it, watch it again, text Dan about it and then watch it again. Did I walk around platinum night last night telling everybody who wasn't going to watch the movie to at least watch the scene that starts at one hour, 14 minutes and 10 seconds? Is the timestamp one hour, 14 minutes and 10 seconds permanently burned into my brain? Yes, yes, fuck yes and oh fuck yes.

Find out why when we return for the admittedly still boring conclusion of the oath. And this is my pre pre workout. Takes the edge off the pre workout. You know what I'm saying? No, I do not know. Hey, guys, what you doing? Oh, hey, Noah, I was just showing Heath my gym essentials. It's a lot. We haven't even gotten to the creatines yet. Sorry, creatines plural. Oh, yeah. Eli, you don't need all this stuff.

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Join fit bod today to get your personalized workout plan, get 25% off your subscription or try the app for free at fit bod dot me slash gam. That's FIT BOD dot M e slash gam. Excellent. Thanks. So Eli, you have any post workout stuff? I don't know. Do you like watermelon flavored bleach? No. Oh, well then no, I don't. The legend says that you were the last Nephi and thus carry the burden of your people's sacred knowledge. Is this true? Yes, it is. I'm afraid. Yes, it is.

And what is the secret knowledge? I'm afraid I could never share it with you. I'm honestly not sure if the angels would even let you understand. Maroni, you have taught me so much. You must teach me this. Very well, very well. Have you heard of seed oils? Sorry. Seed oils. Which is it? Yeah. Yeah, no, they're basically poison. I was listening to this podcast about it. Close. It was two birds actually. Right, right. White guy. I forgot.

Honestly, you should watch the whole interview because they really get into the crypto. And let me tell you, I wish I had gotten into gold plates before I did because I would be so rich right now. If I did. I'm actually going to go back to the human slavery thing. Are you sure? I have a picture of a monkey and a sheet that says I own the picture. I'm good. Very well. Already leaving. And we're back. Thank you so much.

I'm going to say for a movie where nothing happens, you guys have stayed super enthusiastic. We really appreciate that. So we're going to open up the next day. She was going to wake up. There's a little note that Marron and I left for. She wanders off that we've had. I had a great time, but I'm not looking for anything serious. Yeah, right, right. So, but then we see the, we get the seamwear like the sister. We haven't given her name yet. I believe it's Mahi Ghana or.

It moves around a lot because Billy Zayn has to say it several times. And he is wrecked by the end of the season. It is easy to say drunk. It's just not. No, it is. So, Mahi Ghana finds the cave, right? She sees her sister leave in the cave and she's like, well, you know what? I should probably check that cave to make sure there's no valuable plates of any kind in there. Well, if Alex, he was looking for clues for a second. Yes. For what though? Right. What are you going to find?

I just saw the sister you've been looking for for weeks. Why did you either not go to her? What, why did you like let her walk off and then sneak into her home? Well, because you never know when there's going to be secret gold plates hidden in somebody's house. Did you take up with, did you take up with a bear? I got a job. Let me check the cave. It's the old Yiddish saying you never know when there's going to be gold. It's what the maziz is for. Yep, yep.

So, me and what we got, we got, we have a great see where Maroni is finally able to whittle again. And then we got to the sister and she's like tearing the cave apart, right? She's turning the cave over like she's looking for the microfiche. Right? Because we know that there's gold plates so apparently she does too. She picks up dirt on her knife. Is that bear piss? Wolf, that's wolf. Yeah, no, that's wolf. As I know, wolf piss when I see it. So then she's checking. In proper flicking technique.

White man has been here. So, yeah, so she hears them, she hears them coming, right? Well, she's looking through the cave. So she runs off to like hide in the bushes and stare at them. So, Bash, she comes back with Maroni and they embrace, and then he kneels down and he listens to her tummy so that Maagonal know that she's pregnant now. Eli, you're a dad.

You know those moments early on in Anna's pregnancy where you stopped her right outside your home and then knelt down and just put your face against her tummy, like not in the house, but just like the near of the house. Yeah, just come on. Front porch all the time. So, I also love that this shot is a binocular shot, but she's not using binoculars. Yes. Including a zoom moment. Yes. So, we're supposed to think this lady was just like, and now it hands.

So, and so we're learning though, as God loves her now, right? He let her have a kid so she's a woman that matters now. And I wrote my nose, I shouldn't be white and delight some then. I mean, right? That's... It's a process, Noah. It takes time. So, the sister now, my Ghana is sitting there, she's wondering, she's like, should I turn my sister in now to Aaron or should I... I'm super conflicted. And then we pan over to Kohar, the guy who got caught on the other side of the B-Wall.

Oh my God, this pan... You see, my Ghana is like full frame. And then it zooms past her head. And what you didn't see was 40 feet behind her. It's a tiny floating head in the bushes, just staring strangely. And then... Oh, shit. Turns out those were just bees, I don't know why. You can walk right past them actually as it turns out. It was one of those things where you say goodbye to someone and then you're both walking to your cars in the same direction.

I just didn't know if it was okay for me to... So, start talking. So that he starts to run off. Kohar starts to run off. I'm doing the rest of the show from back here. Audience, Eli is looming. I know. We still haven't done that spin, no. They haven't clapped loud enough. So, but then the sisters are like the Kohar runs away, but in slow motion. It's really silly. And the sister's conflicted. I think it's hard to tell because she's a terrible actor.

I think she's conflicted at the whether or not she should turn her sister in. Yeah, all of this actresses choices for the latter half of this movie were angry I'm in the movie. Yeah, right. Her and Billy Zane both, let me tell you. So that night, Beth, she was walking around in the dark when her sister pops out of the woods to reveal herself. So they have this moment where she's like, I can't believe you're fucking a Nephite. She's like, he's a good Nephite.

She's like, there's no such thing as a good Nephite. She's like, I found happiness here. And listen, I learned to use grammar and syntax. Yes, I have conjunctions. Articles. She says, I'm going to kill your Nephite lover. She says, if you were going to kill him, you'll have to kill me first. And then they hug. It's a terrible idea. Never challenge somebody to kill you and then hug them. Right? No, it's one of those who you'll get inside their head.

It's one of those moments where they almost had stakes to the movie. And then they just deflated like, I'm going to kill him. No, don't. Okay. No, stay here. I'm thinking Marona. I might be cool with like a sister's sister. You haven't seen other Marona. Let me tell you. He does have a brother. I don't feel about flashcards. They're kind of his foreplay. So. So but apparently co-hors run off now and he's told air and all about everything. He's so Billy Zane, where she is.

Then we cut this Billy Zane with his group, just fucking hop in his way through the woods, man. This guy is not in great shape for the outdoors shots. And again, he's supposed to be king of the laymenites. I don't know why he's leading the search party. Of like six people. Right? So then like one of that there's a girl with a white girl with dreadlocks. That's how we know that she's still a savage. Right. Yes. It is though. It is.

So she's like, there's a group of authentic black food actors and someone we met at Bonnarou. She says she cured her own kidney infection, but I think she's like, it's psychotic. Her reps are actually pretty good. Have you heard them? Two Instagram addicted people really get that joke. Oh, okay. Thank you. There you go. There's one. But so she says white dreadlocks lady. She says, can't we take a click break and Billy Zane turns back and he says, yes, you can rest forever.

And he slips her throat. So fucking dumb. And we haven't we haven't talked about this yet. We haven't talked about Billy Zane's wandering accents. He just gives us a fucking. Who are on the world? It's me. King of the laymenites. It is like it goes Irish halfway through. Like there's some Scottish. He lands on pirate at the end. Oh, yeah. He's so wasted by the end. He's just pies a fuck it. Arr. I don't know. Jewish. I'm a rabbi. Arr. And at one point he's like, now I'm just, I'm no big city.

I'm a surport down home. Just down home. King. A caveman. And Patina. Yeah, right. And also with Patina occasionally. But we should also go back and he slits her throat. But he does it off camera. Right? Then we walk up and he walks up with a knife. And then we just cut to like close up of his face. But you gotcha. No blood. Nothing. They didn't have bear money. They didn't have falling down money. They didn't have, in a minute, they're not going to have grabbing money.

Okay. We're about to get to that. So, but right after he kills white, drylocks lady. The sister comes in and they, and he goes, she goes, I was test about to tell you guys where she was. I didn't get a chance to. Oh, yeah. I just wanted to remember my sister's over there. Oh, you guys are here. Cool. I was about to tell you. I was going to say it. Did you see that wall of bees? That was crazy. Yeah. Goes forever. Yeah. So, but then we cut back to Marona. He's whittling.

Okay. He's whittling a little animal. And it's so, he's so bad at it that we all have a different goddamn animal in our notes. I have horse and he has chest set. And Eli has wolf. I think it actually was supposed to be a wolf. That's a pretty good call. When I first saw it, I thought it was a horse which would have been an astounding bit of apologetics considering that. Like the book of Mormon has horses in it. Yeah. And the America's. Not, they did not.

No. But no, it's, so he's whittling this little thing. The bad guys, meanwhile, are assembling at the mouth of the cave. Right. And so they're all like gathering together, like organizing how they're going to go get her. They do the spot hand side. Yeah. Wait. You pointed for it. Is that go? Yeah. Okay. Do you mean we're all going to go Billy's hand? Also, like they're sneaking up on just her. She's doing the op-sec wrong. Are you doing the wrong? Arm, demand against a pregnant chick.

Housewife. Yes. Right. But then he sends them off to go kidnap her. This Bufiya's so little of a budget that we just watch the sister react to it. They literally don't have run up and grab her money because they all time. I'm sure couldn't get insured for that. Oh, no, no, no. Because that would count just some. They filmed that shot. They spent many hours trying to film that. And look at it. And it was like, oh, that's not going to be okay. We're just assuming on the sister. I did not.

That was not okay. We should not have let Billy Zayn tackle that woman. Does he have a ball out or not? I think he might. She has a ball out at this point. So we got Maroni walking back. He's got his little shitty little fucking widowed horse. He gets back to the cave and we see him like react to some horrible thing that he's just seen. Right. He drops his little piece of paper or whatever. And he's looking at her dead body strung up by the cave mouth. We're looking at her feet, right?

And her feet are at his eye level, which was like, he goes up and he caresses her feet and he's so sad. And it was like he does. Terrentino would have been proud. He sure do. He sure do for a while. Yeah. Long while. Yeah, but she's hanging from the tree because they didn't have refrigerators back then. Oh, he shouldn't have picked. He's in my mouth because I'm so sad. Oh, whoa, it's me. He's working. I'm like an ear of corn. I want to be mad at you. I know my joke so bad.

When I see a fellow pervert. And I'm turning the alerts back on. I have a mute button right there. So he makes her feet for a second. And then immediately, like he mourns for a fork out. And then he turns around and he's like, Aaron, show yourself. Yeah. That is the toxic masculinity just flowing through his veins. Cause yeah, it's three seconds of mourning and then revenge is all he cares about. Like the dead woman, forget about it. We're going, I got, I got mend to fight.

Yep, so Aaron pops out, he's been waiting for the yell, I guess the whole time. So he pops out and he starts doing the stupid like he's like, I have long awaited the time when it would come that I would find the last of me fights general. And and Billy Zane is in a vastly different movie. Yes, than everyone else. Yeah, right. Like pirates good. Cause he's, he's real good at like pirates of the Caribbean in 97. Sure. Right. He's like, Hey, Jack Sparrow, what's up? Did you see I killed your wife?

I feel like he got the note taken serious every take. Is it possible he didn't know he was in a movie? Like you thought maybe it's like a movement park from his Scotch nap. And they were like, Billy Zane, you killed that lady who was like, Oh, what did I do this time? How about this phantom sign poster? You'll notice the very real microscope in the corner. So that was a part of that film. So yeah, so so he's standing there like challenging Aaron to a fight.

And Aaron decides he's like, you know what? I actually, I do want to fight you, but we've got 20 fucking minutes left in this movie to fill. So how about I fight you tomorrow? And he's like, yes, I need time to bury my wife and my unborn son. So they're like, all right, we'll have the final battle in 24 hours. I love that he said son because it's like she was like three weeks pregnant. That thing was still a tadpole. Yeah, right. How the fuck do you know? Although I want to bury my wife.

I want that note not knowing what was coming. Yes, yes. We are rapidly approaching one hour, 14 minutes and 10 seconds. I want to bury my wife. And the grain of rice. Yes, yes. So yes, so that sexual moment with the feet. It's about to get sound like that but get worse. So so yes, so Billy's ain't as like this time tomorrow. Anything at all will finally happen. So who are so that night? Okay, so that we cut to a minus cave. This is where at one hour, 14 minutes and four seconds y'all.

We're there. We're there. So we cut him. He's got his wife. This dead wife, she was laying on the on the they got married at some point. We didn't mention because it's stupid. She's laying there on the altar or whatever. She's naked. No reason. I don't know like that's cut. Like we take dead people are naked because we do autopsy since just like not the natural state of them. But that's not the problem that I have with it. My problem. So we see him reach down to her and grab.

It's you're not ready. You're not ready. You think you are. He grabs this tiny little fetus hand. This pinky size fetus and he holds it and he cries over it. You know those little hands that you put on like one finger and it's like a novelty thing. Yes, it's that. I screamed so loud my dogs came to rescue me. That's not a joke. That's real. All right. Let us consider a moment the logistics of this. So he takes his wife down. Cut. She's open.

Moves the organs around a bit. Right. Finds the uterus. Carefully cuts that open so it's not to open the baby. Orients it so the hands are facing out. Or that's one theory or Billy Zane set it up like Kowato. And the fetus was hanging next to her. And was just right there. Let me I'm going to ask you guys. Like rope and then like yarn and dental. And then like the cord. It would be the. Once again, it's impossible that he put his hand through. He pulled his hand through the cervix. Oh, Jesus.

We're just trying to work it out. We're we're shopping. Okay. You know those things that you send people away into the air and the pool. Maybe he did that. And the baby just shot. Oh, listeners at home. I have never been happier that you cannot see the visual guys here. I'm not going to be happier that you can see the visual guys. All right. I take that back. Audience at home. You just missed a fetal wacky wall walker joke. You should have come to the live show.

That's the name of rush cover band. We're playing at the Y this Thursday. I think the you're in walker. I think I think the point here that we're all trying to make is that this is a very touching tender moment. Oh, my God. So now April, April messaged me at one point. I was watching this movie and gave it what would have been a really good best worst which would have been best worst swelling strings. This entire movie. Whenever there's good guys, they're swelling strings.

Whenever there's bad guys, there's evil drums. So we get the I guess the chrysendo of the strings that have been swelling this entire fucking time. And then we cut to Marona. I pray it. And essentially his prayer is what the fuck man. I thought we were going to cut him whittling a tiny little coffin. Like a little just matchbox coffin for the feet. He's got one of her feet on his shoulder. There's also stitches a pocket into his tunic.

Also, there's this great moment where he's because the sister is standing in the cave with him the whole time. Well, he's cutting her open and grabbing the little fetus hand or whatever. Oh, Mahi Mahi, according to Billi's name most recently. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. Magician or whatever. She's standing there and he says to her. He turns to her and he's like, would you mind stepping out so that I can mourn? And she's like, yes, I would. I'm not going any fucking way.

As long as you're here with my sister's naked dead body, I'm not going any fucking way. I see how you look at feet white, man. There's a moment also where he's praying and he's screaming, would take me with them. Yeah, dude, you've got to fight tomorrow. Just lose. Right. You're fine. He's just no effort. Minimal effort. Yeah. So then he, I guess he goes to the next day and he buries her by the, by the river. But you don't bury someone by a river. Can I just give you all that note?

Yeah, probably not the greatest spot. And the guys call the cops real quick. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Is that they'll never find her? I'm sorry. Dan did not have a joke. He was just like, that's fucking stupid. You're gonna get caught. Am I right? So I'm checking his notes. He's just as be relatable about the murder thing. You're still in my city. I feel like you're treading on thin ice. I feel like the same thing. I mean, he knows how to get rid of a body. Let me tell you.

Yeah, I wouldn't know that the salt link is evaporating though. You're fucked. I'm not just saying. So get in there. We'll find him. Yeah. So, but not just... He's small, they're kids. So he buries the sister. He buries the wife. Little pile of pebbles for the... And they... He corns through. Yeah. He turns to the sister again and he's like, all right, now I've buried her and you know I'm not gonna try to fuck her. Will you please give me a minute alone now to morning? She does.

So that's what he runs off, right? He has to run off shirtlessly with his gold plates. Wait. No. She goes and comes back and he's not there. She's like, oh, I don't know where it was. And suddenly he emerges from the pool of water. Like... He's holding up the gold plates at like full arms length. And like, he does whim off. And... I think... I must be it. I think the gold plunges are what are giving him the... It was like a really good Mormon viagra commercial. Yeah. It's a big one. The police.

Yeah. He goes full frog man. He's trying to get under the water. So yeah. So he has to flush in the movie and outside of the pool. Yeah. Right. So okay. So now Marona is running away with the plates. Don't worry. They don't weigh much. And Aaron comes to check on him. Right. And sees the cis walking away. And she's like, I was just telling him to tell you that he escaped. He can. So he goes to strangler. But he changes his mind. Billy Zane does.

He's like, I can't strangle you because you're my best tracker. And then he goes, well, actually, I technically am the best. Shut the fuck up. No, go ahead. You thought bees were a wall, idiot? You know when she was... You know when she was looking at him, I was looking at her just for the record. So it gets late at night so they have to set up camp. So then we cut to Marona. This is the second time this has happened this year in Mormon movie month.

We get a late third act walking montage as Marona carries the plates away. Right. So we watched that for a while. He finds the perfect spun up state New York to Barium, which is amazing. He looks down and he sees a bright green rectangle. It turns out to be a mossy rock, but I really thought that that area was supposed to like... The area where he was supposed to hide the plates got magically highlighted for him.

Like when you hover over an item and it was like, it was like, warming the video game on easy mode. He's like, come on. He's like, where do I put... Oh, the breastplate of righteousness is here. And then you put the plates. And it disappears like a Minecraft block. Yeah, right. So now he goes to Barium, but I guess this is also where the last of the Nephite armor was buried. So he's got his chest plate and he's got his sword now too. And as he's putting this shit on, I wrote my notes.

I realized, okay, this entire thing was just an excuse for this man to wear armor and swing a sword around, right? We should introduce this guy to Cecil. We could have avoided this whole goddamn movie. It was so much fucking easier. So, and then we get him very quickly finishing the Book of Mormon. Because one of the problems with the Book of Mormon, of course, is that it ends at a point where... And then I die, basically, right?

So they have to have him finishing the Book of Mormon like eight seconds before he dies. So he finishes it. So he says, Joseph, your Seth of the Old World will know your Seth of the New World. Yes, yes. Oh, praise my soul, circle. And I just get over the image that it's upstate in New York, that it's me and Heath's hometown. Right. I wanted it to pan back and there's just some meth heads like rooting for the best. Two little league dads fighting. We call our sandwich the speedy, not now!

I literally thought, like suddenly I had the image of like Moronai's ghost just waiting around in that area for 1400 years. Hoping a guy named Joseph shows up. Well, so then I can reveal it to you. Give each other hand jobs. Is that leave porn? He's not pronouncing it Joseph, but I guess it's close enough. Close enough, it's fine. I'll work. I'm going to let the devil give this teacher and then I'll jump right in. So as a Mormon deep God, see? Yeah, there you go.

If I did that, it's Texas show, they'd be like, shut up! So then we cut... I guess he passes out at this point, puts his arm around and then falls asleep. So we cut him waking up the next day in a field. He glances over, he sees the hunting party that's looking for him, right? He sees the evil laymen nights. And I guess the sister is tracking him, but she's trying to lead him away now. She's on his side or... I don't fucking know, it's stupid.

But it doesn't matter because the minute he wakes up, he's like, hey Aaron! Let's do a big final fight! Well, and then the funniest fucking thing that happened... Well, okay, the second funniest thing that happens in the movie happens, right? Because he goes, freedom! He yells freedom in Hebrew. And then he runs away! It's the best. It's a... It's like freedom nut-check run away. It's so good. Fuck it! I laughed so fucking hard! And he's very clearly doing the speech from Gravehust. Yes!

But I'm pretty sure that they talked him out of the Scottish accent because that's Billy Zayn's. Yeah, right, right, exactly. It just seems really fun. So now he's running through the woods. He's not back up with the beginning of the movie, right? This is where we started with him running around in his sandals, going uchi-uchi and stuff. And then we get to the point where there was almost going to be a sword fight. Remember in the scene ended?

Now we're going to get that fucking sword fight that we have been waiting an hour and 45 minutes for. And... Toast up! It's done. It's over. It's kind of funny because he runs up a hill and I'm like, dude, well it's eight to one. I don't think higher ground is going to get better. Yeah, right. It's like... Well, I'm not even left handed. Oh, shit, you're behind me. Well, I love to. When they started doing this choreography, he keeps ducking out of moves that the stuntman didn't throw.

He was just like, you were supposed to. You were spear on the top laugh. He said, one, and two, and three, Chris. He killed two of those guys with parries. Yes, he did. He did. There's a great moment where... And they died. There's a wrestle moment. And the two actors are both dressed in two little clothing. Right? And these guys have been in BJJ class together for years. Yeah, right. But they feel they're naked flesh touched and you see the gay fear end of the... Like it's all... Ah! Ah!

We've felt this fit together like two times. Yeah, we've been... I did. Back to back. You want to lock elbows? Yeah, yes. So, and also, in a certain way, he runs out of fight choreography and there's still like three guys. And so he tries to talk them out of it. Oh. He's like, time out, time out. Where... Why are you fighting for Billy Zane? He can't even pick a fucking accent. Yeah. Right?

But then they end the fight in the most glorious possible way, which is... I mean, I'm pretty sure that the fight choreographer just quit in the middle of the fight. Yeah. Because they cut to... Basically, he just said, we'll just say that I killed everyone while the camera went behind a tree. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And then... So the cohort, the henchman number two, finally gets the best of them. And he's about to...

He takes his club and he gets like three inches from Marona's head and Billy Zane walks in and he's like, stop! And you know how you can stop a club, a fatal club swing, three inches shy. You have a person say, yeah, he does that. This is, by the way, the moment where Billy Zane's accent has gone full Tom Hardy bane. Yes. It's amazing. Oh, the great. Oh, nice. And then he turns to what he's like, Billy Zane's character is like, uh, I bet you're too chicken to bait me on Fox News, aren't you?

He goes, he goes, you're only winning because you've got that armor and runs and, no, I'll take off my armor. I don't need an armor. You fucking idiot. And they start like, they do, they're doing their back and forth banter or whatever. And they have this amazingly, they think, seem to think that this is, they bring the house down fucking line from Marona. He goes like, you know, why do you fight, and he goes, and I quote, peace is better than war. Says the guy who just killed a bunch of people.

Yeah, right, right. And then he goes, uh, fucking Billy Zane goes, but war is better than tribute or pieces, but it gets worse from there. That was weird. He said, yeah, Billy Zane said war is better than tribute like as a question. Well, at this point, Billy Zane's looking down at the script he has on his wrist plate thing. Like he's a quarterback who doesn't know the place. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. Yeah. He has no idea. I feel like he was trying to start a word game.

Like you thought that was the thing. It was going to be like tribute is better than taxes. Tax is better than tribute is better than war is better than peace. And I'm going to take an apple. So yeah, so we get that. And then he like they, he like stands there dramatically almost falling over, but doesn't quite. He offers Aaron one last chance at peace. He says, my God demands that I offer you one last chance before I kill you. Which is the best thing to say when you're obviously losing.

Yeah, that is always. I want to say, if I'm ever the villain in that position, I'm totally saying yes. I'm going to be like, oh, yeah, I killed your wife and your unborn son. Yeah, no, I'm great. True. Yes. Nice to meet you neighbor. And then the block party. And then we get this like this, like clearly they made this movie for us. I didn't realize it until we got this fucking line because he says, God told me to give you one last chance. And then Billy Zane angrily yells, there is no God.

To be fair, he was on the phone with his agent at the time. Was that the moment he realized he was in the movie? Yeah, right, right. Oh, my God. Is this shit Mormon? Billy, they're going to wrap you at the end of the day. So you've been in a Mormon film. Listen to that. There is no God. So then the two of them have their big sword fight. And it's one of these like we can't do more than two acts per cut kind of sword fights. It's just fucking awful.

This is an authentic replica, but the guy said I would void the warranty against yours. But he loses, right? Marona I lose this. Co-or jumps in and helps out. And so now Billy Zane is standing there with his sword over Marona I throw, but he's got a monologue for a little while. And sister, the Maigana. Just shoots Billy Zane and the other guy with arrows and kills them. Now, I would like to talk about the context of this. Yes. And it's almost the greatest movie ever made. He's got the sword.

Billy Zane's got the sword on hot sex man. And he's like, I'm going to dig up your wife and your feet is son, which is a fucking funny ass image. First of all. And so fucking hot sexy man goes, Jesus! No, no, no, wait, wait, because remember he has to pronounce everything over. Yes, you are. Yes! And then Billy Zane and co-or get shot. And if the camera had panned over. And Jesus Christ was standing there. With a boss bow. In Camo. With a meth pipe in his pocket. And a sword in his mouth.

Oh my god. I tell you this though. You had a speedy yet. They're actually pretty good. Yes. Are we pretty close to Butler Pennsylvania? I got to do a thing after this. No. God was so close. So close. So yeah, but now of course, at one point, Marone said to Billy Zane that I would before I draw my last breath, I shall run you through with my sword. So Billy Zane's not quite dead, right? They shoot him to the like the 90% dead thing that they do with bad guys, Laverioff.

So Marone can come up and stab him and make his thing right. So he goes, he says, this is for Bathsheba and stabs him. And then the movie is not over yet. I'm so pissed at this rap scene. I was so mad because there's only like four minutes of credits in this fucking movie. You were like, you're like, oh, we're seven minutes away. This has to be the end of God. Damn. Oliver notes are like, oh, come on. Really? You're done. And she turns my gun at her soon.

And she says, you are the hunted one, but you are hunted no more. And he's like, I got stabbed to death. Yeah. Why would that fucking matter to me at this point? I just thought maybe it would be nice. Just making conversation. You could die a little faster. Yes. But just then he looks and he can see a ghostly image of Bathsheba along with his son, who is seven years old for some fucking reason. Now I know. The whitest and delightsomest of all of the children.

Yeah. Yep. And then he says, say something, brave. She's doing two sexy a peckin' for their child to be there. Yes. Because the fetus is there and she's like, Oh, listeners at home, you are missing Eli's sexy back in. And the kids just sort of sit in there being like, I'll say hi too. So, and okay, so then he dies and honestly, if Eli had snuck into this movie and they'd accidentally cast him and he got to do this death scene, it would not have been sillier.

This man might as well have to have his legs into fucking air at the end of this thing. It was so goddamn goofy. And then of course, an eagle flies overhead because that means freedom, remember? Yeah. This was the moment where I realized because the sister, my gunna is the only person left standing. And I was like, wait, did she plan all this? Is this, she's kind of yesh-well based on the rule of all of the laminites now. Right, she walks away and her fucking limp goes away or whatever, yeah.

A huddle. I love it. This movie is a prequel to a pock-alipto. I keep telling you that. So, but then, but the sister, she, she meditates to learn about real guys. She throws away her arrows because she's done with that violent life. Keep in mind that she used those to hunt for food. And then we get this very long title card about how God is sorry. He missed our call, but our call is still very important to him.

It's this quote from some bullshit thing that Joseph Smith wrote about how Jesus came to America after he died. And he really probably should have got us a little sooner than that or something. And then, okay, then the title cards come up. It says, Marona's record is believed to have been discovered in 1823 in Palmyra, New York. And I'm like, define believe it. Some people believe it. Yep, yep. And it's occasionally believed. And then he says it was translated.

And then this is the silliest goddamn, right? I imagine the ex-mos have heard this one before. It says it was translated and is now considered the fourth most influential book in American literature according to the Library of Congress. We're number four. We're number four. What is that the fucking? We're not on the podium, but like... Yeah, like we could be... You know that meme where the guys like shaking them is the champagne bottle and then it backs away. Yeah, exactly, exactly.

My coach said he's still proud of me. Yeah. It's America's... So it's like, first of all, I looked for this list. I could not find any list anywhere where the Library of Congress said the Book of Mormon. It listed it amongst the most influential works in American literature. But like, it's the only holy book. Right? It's the only American... How are you number four? Awesome. It's beaten by shit like Huck Twin and fucking Dubets grapes are rafting. Yeah, fucking sweet valley high.

Yeah, like, come on guys. What the fuck? In fairness, Judy Bloom is a pretty awesome writer. No, you're right. Yeah, so it's pretty good. You're a good chef. All right, well... It's me, Margaret. All right, well that is... I'm your god, it's me, Margaret. Oh, that's... Yeah, that's it. You added. You guys can leave. All right, well that is where the movie mercifully ends, although we get some amazing credits in the movie as well.

Yeah, I did you guys... I counted the number of executive producers on this movie. In this case, probably just means people who gave him money. Right, right. If a movie has 48 executive producers... Okay, all right, so... Here's what I counted. I counted people whose last name was Young. Ah! It was also 48, yeah. Oh, genocide-al enough, I don't even know.

So, all right, well that's where the movie mercifully ends, but that is not where we're gonna end, because we still need to offer you the Breakfast Club Clothes. Woo! Yeah! Mormonism went dormant for centuries, but then the Golden Trapper Keeper got discovered in Upstate New York, and the religion reemerged like a 1400 year locust infestation. Yeah, that's to dominate the world. Well, we need some fucking seagulls right now, right?

Yeah. So... Bathsheba met Marona in heaven, leading to a very uncomfortable moment when she asked him, did you cut into my dead body to mess around with our fetus? The fuck were you doing with my feet? Marona was in heaven for a solid three weeks before he remembered that he had already had a dead wife and kids. Marona's fetus couldn't reach any of the fun swings in heaven. Thank you so much, Sidney! Can I tell you guys a funny story? It's like three Mormons standing out.

This leads outside this door right here. I stand out here. I'm standing in the panic. I stand out here. There's three fucking Mormons standing here, and so I opened the door a little bit more so they can hear this song. There's Santa there going. Did she just say... Did she just say... What did I tell you about the contemporary art, Sherry? I warned you when you let him paint with oils, this is the inevitable next step. I think I saw Jew in there, and I'm not exaggerating.

I knew one would get in. The wolf urine didn't work at all, I've left it. Alright, alright, we're going to get you one more fake one here, alright? Shut the fuck up, you're supposed to be muted. You didn't say that to me at the last. This is because I'm no fucking I didn't, bro! So... The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a Thunderstorm LLC, and the rate 2024 all rights reserved.