467: Pride and Prejudice: A Latter Day Comedy

So, this movie writer gave herself an A at writing the script that she wrote for this movie, yes. Oh, was the movie written by a woman? Two women, yes. No! Two women wrote this. No, he's no! Two Mormon women. I would assume Mormon women wrote this yet. No, oh, that's so sad. Now I'm sad. We're having a sad time. Now we're having a sad time. God Awful Movies!

Welcome back to God Awful Movies. Reach Week, we watch another terrible movie so you don't have to. I'm your host T. Thinwright and I'm joined by my BFF Eli Bosnick Eli. How's it going? Girls night. Brat summer. And we also have veteran mascast, Cara Santa Maria Cara. Welcome back. Yeah, yeah, figured. I always like it when Cara does that for her intro because sometimes these are new episodes for people and they're just like, I like this movie podcast.

They seem to have kidnapped a lady. Somehow I can hear her blinking on the audio. Oh, the new listeners are thinking that really it's the new listeners. Well, no, the old listeners know we've kidnapped a lady. Every every week that I'm on the show, there's like a new post like what do you have on her? Yeah, every week they're like, just release the pictures Cara, they can't be that bad. You killed a guy. It's fine. We all killed a guy.

It happens. So based on those pictures, you watched a movie with us, Cara, what movie are we going to be breaking down today? Okay. So it's called Pride and Prejudice a latter day comedy. Get it? Hell yeah. It is none of those things. I'm not sure if the Mormons, yeah, so I've never read Pride and Prejudice. So I have no idea how faithful this is to the original plot, but it looks like the 2002 Delia's catalog and I'm pretty sure.

Did the characters all have the same names at least as the people in the book? A lot of James. Yeah. So there's that going. Yeah. Everyone is either named after the character in the book or like someone who read the cliff snotes making a joke about the book, right? Like so Darcy is Darcy, but sometimes other characters will just be named like Elizabeth England. All right. And Eli, how bad was this movie?

Well, if you love 90s remakes of classic novels like Clueless, okay, and I do, but your modern church is slightly more prudent than the Regency era. Yeah. You will love this movie and I do. I love this movie. Of course you did. Pretty terrible. And is there anything you'd like to nominate this one being the best being the worst at? I'm going to go with best worst teeth. Interesting.

I feel like I feel like this is a perfect example of actual best worst. Like lots of times it's the worst worst really is what we're talking about. But almost every character in this movie had perfect teeth that didn't fit in their mouths. Yep. They were all straight. Yeah, a lot of straight. They had some chompers. Prominent teeth. Prominent teeth. Yeah. Everyone here went to the same guy as Osteen got their comes peeled back.

Yep. I will say that 90% of the ads that I got were for oral B. So they know their audience, I guess. Yeah, exactly. High lead dental. Okay. I was going to go with best worst ADR moment. Yes. So it's a tiny moment that doesn't matter. The main character Elizabeth meets a guy at a party's name's Collins. And apparently the actor plays Elizabeth never stood next to this actor who played Collins.

And he is way bigger than she expected. Like she's supposed to say hello Collins or something like that. But she clearly just turned around and he was way too big and she panicked and she's like, hello big big. You're too big. How do you fit in stuff? You're so big. And the idea or it's so badly for it to be like, hello Collins today. Yeah. But you can see or be like big big what? And of course, I'm going to take the easy one here. And I'm going to go with best worst adaptation.

So for those of you unfamiliar, this is of course based on Pride and prejudice. The message of which is that a woman can rise above her means. And this movie is not about that. No. One might argue the message of this movie is don't get too uppity. Something like that. Could be. Yeah. It's hard to it's unclear. Yeah. I feel like what the big take away is. I feel like the movie writer saw the title Pride and prejudice did not read the book at all. I was like, oh yeah Mormon.

Like we're into Pride and prejudice. It's probably perfect. We're big. And we're proud of how white delights and we are. That we got to make this. I'm going to make a movie about staying in my lane as a woman. It's yes. That is what the movie is about. Yeah. 100%. Feels like the I didn't read Jane Austen's book either, but it feels like the opposite of it.

Maybe in the opposite of what Jane Austen was saying, right? You like your red days podcast. Yes. Very much. I've read it. Of course. Very smart. Have you? What? Yes. Really? Oh, yes. Very much. Okay. Multiple times. Did you like me? Have you read it dozens of times? Probably dozens now that you mentioned it. Probably. I probably read it. Doesn't. And all the characters names and the plot points. No need to ask. Yeah. Got it. Got it.

And you know the spark motif. Some sure to. Yeah. Yeah. I definitely just looked up the summary. The TLDR on Britannica and spark notes. And I was like, okay, I got the general idea. You got it. I didn't do that. Yeah. I figured you guys would do that. I think. Yeah. Exactly. All right. Well, we're going to read up a little bit more while we take a quick break. And then we'll be back to tell you all about Pride and prejudice. A latter day comedy. Dude, you're going to wake her. You are.

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That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash awful to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince dot com slash awful. Great. Thanks. All right. I guess that means we can throw out these bell bottoms. What? I don't own bell bottoms. You do now. He's tried to fit into your skinny jeans. Seriously? I have a turgid calf. He does. It's true. Chris, Chris, I got great news. The soda shop finally got caffeine-free boba. No, better. We got approved to make another movie, a remake of a classic English novel.

Ooh, like Clueless. Yes, exactly like Clueless. And what was the message of Clueless? That a young woman could be more than her making, you know, like an Emma. What? No. No, it's the be where it's be crazy. I don't think that's what that book's about. It totally is what it's about. I'll prove it to you. Hey, Cara. Cara, Cara, Santa Maria. Hey, Mormon movie maker, guys. What's up? Hey, Cara. So isn't the point of Clueless that be words be crazy? See? I told you. Yeah. Right in the Nards.

Don't say Nards. It's swearing. Sorry. Sorry. Looks like he'll be working with some caffeine-free boba for a while. What? It's a callback you weren't in the room. Well, help. No. It's so bad. And we're back. And we're going to start with the famous opening line from Jane Austen's book. Except they get it wrong right away. The first line of the book says it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

The movie starts with the narrator saying a girl of a certain age and in a certain situation in life must be in want of a husband. That's a fun Mormon start for the thing. A great reversal of everything about Pride and Pride. Which again, Pride and Pride is about men in search of women. But this movie is a sexist version of that. So it's girls loving the boy. That is well start with like must be in want of a husband, Cara. Yeah. We want grandkids. Cara, let's go.

Yeah, I wrote, I guess I'm not very Mormon. So it's funny because right. Does that mean then that Pride and prejudice was it was a commentary on. Yes. Yes. It was turning it on its ear. And this is like, let's not do that. Yeah. And Pride and Pride and Pride just is a wildly feminist work for its time. Like incredibly brave in the society it was written. So using this, I was trying to think of like a good analogy.

It would be like if in the year 2100 white fragility was used as an example of like how oppressed white men were. They wrote, they wrote mean books about that. It's truly hard for my mind to grasp. Well, if it was like 2350, that would be about it. Right. Yeah. This movie is less progressive than a book from 1797. This one I'm saying. Well, yeah. What we're saying is it's very Mormon. Yeah. Mormon church right there.

But very importantly, very importantly more than this stars the various characters because this is where we're going. Austin the pug. Austin the pug is introduced. Yes. Yes. Austin the pug is in this movie just so you know podcast listener. There will be entire scenes where Heath and Cara will have to provide all your commentary because my notes are quite literally pug. Austin. He named Austin boom. Austin is kind of cute. I'll give you that. I'm not a pug person. I know. I know you like.

Wow. Cara, you cut out. You cut out and you fucked yourself to death is what you did. Mostly because it's cruel, you know, these poor dogs that can't give birth on their own. All right. We're going to take a break. You like to cry. We have another interstitial. What was the last interstitial? I knew another one. I'll give you this though, like, or maybe you know, is it a toy pug or is it just a puppy? That's just a pug. Pugs are toy pugs. Right. But this is a really small bug. He's a puppy.

And he's very cute. He's very cute. Very cute. So yeah, this is where we're going to meet the main cast. This is John Jane is who we're going to be introduced to first. We are also introduced to the fact that she is Argentinian. Yeah. Like they needed to call. They're like Jane, the Argentinian. Very odd. Very odd thing. Also, they go over the two sisters. I mean, it's really hard to say.

I don't think the two sisters and predatory are supposed to be quite as villainous as the other extra characters in this movie are. They're sort of like the caddy roommates who are constantly trying to steal her various love interests in the movie, but that is not how they are in the book. They're supposed to be sisters. Yeah. In the book, they're sisters, yeah. I guess I missed that. Okay. And to be clear, only one of them is horrible. The other one is hapless. Right.

It's like the horrible girl who's horrible to her sister too, and then just like the hapless girl with like a weird crooked mouth. Right. Exactly. And then of course, there's the nerdy girl. I will say, let's give the Mormon cinema the credit where it's due. She does not get a makeover at a certain point in this movie and then become worthy as a human being. And then it gets to stay the nerdy girl. So you know, a step up on all the romantic comedies of the 1990s there.

And she's not even that nerdy. She's just a perfectly normal looking girl. It's just the rest of them again look like they're an adelius catalog. Yeah. Exactly. She reads a book once. So she's like a problem. Yeah. So the rest. Yeah. And the main character is like, I don't know, she's like a Mandy Moore dupe. Exactly. Yeah. She's like a great writer. Right. Just like Jane Austin, who is public domain, it's public domain. You're allowed to do stuff with that.

So now we're going to watch her do her morning routine. She works at white night books. This is because of the white horse prophecy or something like that, right? Well, and also just the white night, like the racism or more. Yeah. Oh, no, I didn't think it was a Mormon racist reference. I just thought it was like a man. Sexism. Yeah, a sexism with with the touch of racism. Yeah, it's hard to tell. This was like she's waiting for her white night to come save her.

Exactly. Yeah. She wants her MRS degree. That's literally what they call it when they're in college. And the girls are trying to get married. Wait, seriously? Oh, yeah, the MRS. The guys go off on missions and the girls are waiting for the return missionaries to come back all like horny and ready to get married. Rough. They're trying to not have sex before they get married. And yeah, they literally call it their MRS degree because so many girls only go to call.

They might get a degree, but they never use it. Or they drop out before they finish their degree because they got married. That's all they really wanted. It's fucking gross. Mormonism is the opposite of Jane Austen. And they move you about this book. That's the point. But we're also establishing in this montage here that she's wacky because she puts fries on her burger. She also goes to the library during this montage and all the books are color coded at the library which I found very strange.

The choice. The set is fine. It's for the Graham. It's for the Graham, Cara. And then she heads off to her job at the bookstore. Yes, she works in a bookstore because she's the protagonist, Normantic comedy. Now this is where we're going to be introduced to the pink Bible. The pink Bible is... I don't know what the corollary is supposed to be, but basically all the women in this book, the bad ones or the sinful ones, have read this book that's like, how to get a man.

And it's the only book they sell at the bookstore. And it's got all the wrong read sinful advice for how to attract a boy in it. So we watch her like reading it a little and the two evil sisters that we mentioned, the opening. They are going to either be reading from it or sometimes narrating from it at various points of the movie. So she's stacking books when she runs into the one, the only English heartthrob. But he's not because she doesn't like him. Okay. So this is great, right?

Because this is Mr. Darcy. Now for those of you who have read the Jane Austen books, Mr. Darcy's not handsome. That's why he's played by Colin fucking fur. Right? He's supposed to be kind of a frumpy guy who's a little bit rude. It doesn't really get the whole social bullshit of the Regency era. So they found this fucking male model and to recreate the initial meeting with Darcy that goes off kind of weirdly in the Jane Austen book. He's just going to treat her as an employee like absolute shit.

Yeah, because he's British, you know, so he's like pompous. Right. Is this a way I'm just realizing? Is this the plot of Bridget Jones's diary? Yes, which is also based on private. Okay. It's all coming together for me. All right. Finally, a work of art we can relate to in my right. Yes. Can we go back for a second, Eli, to the pink Bible? This is like, isn't this kind of like the game but for women and the reverse? That's like what it's supposed to be.

But like so that they can exploit themselves. Right. Right. Yeah. Because they want to land a man. That's like the whole thing is like how to get a man. But it's all just catering to like man things. Yes. Whereas like the game is like how to get a woman by catering to man things. Yes. Exactly. The two sides of the dating spectrum. Yes. What man wants and what man wants. Okay. I did. But yeah, he's very rude to her here. He's looking.

I love this because again, like Darcy's supposed to be smart but brusque. But this guy's a fucking idiot. He's looking in the wrong section for a book. And he's like, I'm actually looking for Kierkegaard and she's like, I'm a very versed in Kierkegaard. And I wanted so badly for them to just have like a really long argument about fear and trembling. But literally googling Kierkegaard and like how to say the name out loud was as far as this movie could go.

Well, no, I thought that there was a little depth there because they're like gonna reference existentialism as some sort of counterpoint to Mormonism. But they can't go too far. So they have to pick like the Christian existential. That's right. They can't actually. Right. The closest thing to existentialism is the guy who woke up having a panic attack because his religion makes no sense. But so she sends him to the right section. Right.

Because he's in the gardening section where there are books by apparently Mark Twain and Dr. Phil. Well, the idea there is that she has mis-shelled the books and he's calling her on it. Oh God. You always read these films with so many more depths than I do. Kierke, you know how when you get emails complaining about you to Skeptic's Guide, you're always like, is this a mute cute right now? Like am I extremely attracted to this emailer? That's what this movie is recreating. That's what it is.

He's got anything to ask. I do not. But then as he's about to leave, he totally narks on her to her boss. Yeah. He's a dick. So again, he's also kind of awful at this point. I don't like anybody yet. Yes. No one in this movie is like a bull or ever will be like, okay, but this guy is supposed to turn into the good guy. That's what happens in the book anyway. If like, but he's the worst forever now. He's just a giant dick. No, he turns into the good guy.

So like there's no redeeming this character. Well, but that's the whole point. He's not supposed to be redeemable and then he is. And then the bad guy now that she knows it's Bridget's own. Yeah. Now I got it, right? I'm talking on lock, get your fucking in order. He and then and then the guy who seems to be the good guy turns out to be a piece of shit. Yeah, charming. Yeah. So now we check back into the girls apartment. This is where we see them practicing the things from the pink Bible.

Apparently they have five finger death punch instructions for the elbow to give him a boner. Well, no, the old sexy elbow trick. Yeah, that's I know about that. That's a thing. Did you catch this part? No, I missed it. I was too focused on this other thing that you guys probably missed where they're all looking in the mirror, like getting ready. Yeah. And one of the girls at this point, they don't have names to me, because I don't know them.

So one is masking curlers girl, which I think is Lydia. Yeah. She's like getting ready in the mirror and she has this like wand and she's poking herself in the eye with it. What was that? That is not I figured you guys just overlooked it because you're like, that's a beauty ritual. I don't know. I was like, there's probably an eye per stick. There's no thing. There's no thing like that. I could walk like that and see my wife doing to her face that I wouldn't be like, I got that's part of it.

She could be peeling the flesh cleanly away and laying it over the Joker's face for his next crime spree. And I'd be like, oh, cool, the Joker's here is I'm at that was expensive. I actually saw like an Instagram video of a girl peeling like glue off her skin off and putting it on the Joker. No, and telling her boyfriend that she was like molting that all girls do that. He was like mortified and totally bought it because guys are fucking idiots. 100%.

But yeah, this I don't know what the fuck she's doing. I think she's like separating her eyelashes with a knitting needle, which makes no sense. Yeah. If this was a joke intended for people who understand beauty rituals, it was definitely a lost on me. It was lost on everybody. Yeah. It made no sense.

But the point of this scene is that Argentinian girl who by the way is from Argentina, he got a letter from a publisher because she's been submitting the protagonist's book to publishers behind her back and against her wishes. Like best friends do. Yeah. We learned that her book was a Napoleonic techno fantasy. The world is only Napoleonic techno fantasy. Feels hard. Yeah. Feels hard to make one of those. Okay. This felt like a real life thing.

Like the writer of this movie in real life is trying so hard to publish to get their Napoleonic techno fantasy. I think you're right. There are a lot of real life things that like only Mormons would know. Like they reference somebody name so and so Rasmussen, which is such a Mormon name. Oh, yeah. There were at least like five in my ward when I was growing up. But she says no and she gets rejected anyways. So it doesn't really matter. Oh, yeah.

There's like all this build up where she's like, let me read it to you. And I'm like, that's so rude. What did you think was going to? Yeah. It's very strange. I would at least check before I did it as like a house wide announcement. Well, she learns that later. Yeah. Yeah. But it's time for them to go to the party. Which party? It does not matter. This movie will be a series of parties until it's very less seen. It very much feels like a public party, doesn't it? Yeah. Like a city block party.

Mm-hmm. But it's like a rich person's house. Yeah. It's supposed to be. Get over to the party and there we're going to meet our love interest for now. Jack. Something Charles. Charles. Oh, no. Yeah. First we meet Charles. We don't meet Jack yet. Oh, that's right. We meet Charles first. Yeah. Charles is guy in Pearl snap shirt if you're reading the notes. Yep. Mm-hmm. Oh, and I put hello teeth. I mean, Charles. Yep. So this is the first of many teeth. Yeah. The first of many.

Yeah. And he says that his mom, this is how he's introduced. He goes, my mom's writing an article about Jewish women. I told her she should call it Shebrew. And I just want to say, Shebrew is a great pun, Charles. Would you like to be on our podcast? You could be the tall one, Charles. Listen up. I was confused at this point because he did utter the phrase Jewish feminist movement. The Jewish feminist movement is what the article his mom was writing.

Yeah. But you learn along the way that this guy is very dim. Yeah. I guess that's a good way. He's like the cute hot guy, right, who is dumb and hot and hapless and good. And good. Right. I think he's still pretty good. Yeah. There's also one of those who's not good. It's interesting characters. Yeah. They're very complex. Yeah. Three varieties of men. Good and hot, bad and hot and ugly. Yeah. This is like pretty close to life. Yes. I'm not going to be too mad at that.

The Kara Santa Maria story. The All Women Who Ever Existed Story. So Collins we meet next. Yes. Collins is bad ugly. Yes. Collins is bad because he is ugly. No. Collins is bad because he's a fucking predator. Oh, he is. Oh, absolutely. So in this scene, we are introduced to him like he's creepy just because he like cares about her interests and brought her a gift, but he will become violently predatory in home societal later. Yes. He's like redact all my notes defending Collins.

Yeah. No, Collins is not okay. But in this scene, he's just sort of like a hapless nerd. Yeah. He's like a big tall oofie guy. He reminds me of who's he playing the serial killer in Mindhunter? Really? You guys didn't watch Mindhunter? My friend is in Mindhunter. I saw, I think I watched the first season, but he's the shoe guy. The really, the, your friends in Mindhunter? Yeah. He's the shoe guy. Is it son of Sam? No, it's Ed Kemper. Yeah, he's got real Ed Kemper vibes for sure.

But if he went by Eddie, that's what we got here. Eddie, Eddie Kemper vibes. Yeah. He also gives her an article from 1978. I went down a rabbit hole on this carer. Are you aware of 1978? I know of it. It was five years before his born. The year? No, the ladies magazine. Oh. The response to those sinful rags like cosmopolitan and vogue. Is it Mormon? Yeah, it's Mormon and it's like a biblical ladies magazine. Oh, it's like the Deseret bookstore. Yeah, exactly. It's the opposite of the Pink Bible.

Yes, exactly. Except not really because the Pink Bible is I think still supposed to be Mormon. Yeah, I think everything's supposed to be within the scope of Mormon, but this is like Mormon, Mormon. Yeah. But if it's so Mormon, why would it have the phrase of virtuous woman never hides her bushels? They make giggle too. They get it. What did that mean? Oh, come on. You're right under a bushels. Oh, what?

I thought it was like, I thought it was like, you know, it's supposed to be a don't hide your bush. It's a joke about your bush, right? Yeah, no one's a, you're a monster. You're a monster, right? The movie is making a show us your hairy bush joke, but I think the magazine is supposed to be doing the hide your light under a bushels. But that was like, I was kind of like, okay, what movie is are these like, it's Mormon's making a movie about Mormonism? I had a moment and then it went away.

One fact, this scene, the 1978 magazine and the two nerds talking about the trek. Care, did you ever go on the trek? Mm-hmm. God damn it. I was hoping you wouldn't. Yeah, you got out too early to go on the trek. Again, for the listeners at home who are to wear, the trek is a, I don't want to say summer camp, pilgrimage slash torture with pilgrims. Yeah. Yeah, where they send the kids to go on the same journey as the Mormons went across the country.

Who do they eat people to when they get stranded? They don't resort to cannibalism and take on multiple wives, unfortunately. Do they do the wooden submarine and all? So not the ancient Mormons, the like 19, the pioneers. The pioneers. The pioneers, yeah. The ones who got kicked out and spent time in jail for the crimes that they did. So you just go across the country doing treason? Yes, exactly. Yeah, and just like modern modern. Cannibalism. Yeah, exactly. And a little bit of cannibalism.

But they're talking about this. These two scenes, the 1978 scene and the them talking about the trek scene that we get here in this party scene are cut from the free versions of the movie that you find on Toobie because they wanted to make it more mainstream. No. A little too esoteric there. I don't get that Collins also a very Mormon name. We definitely had a Collins first name Collins plural in our ward Collins AKA Ed Kemper. He thinks somehow that he's better than the nerd girl.

Like he's like the definition in this scene of like, oh, to have the confidence of a medium. Like he's hitting on like the hot main character. She's like, dude, I'm not into you. The nerd girl sitting there all like demure and coy and he's literally like disgusted by her. And she's interested in the stuff he's interested in. Exactly. And she's pretty and like fine. She just wears long sleeves like that. She's not pretty. She wears glasses and she reads books.

Yeah. But also they should probably be somewhat they should have continuity here because the main character also wears glasses from after movie and different. They're not nerd. They're so clearly the couple that's supposed to end up together though. They're they're dumb love polygot like they might as well be shaped like lockets that smash each other. Two puzzle pieces just mad to magnets just massively resisting each other as the movie continues.

And yet still the guys like, but I'm better than you because I got dick. Yeah, exactly. And then Jack. Oh my god, Jack. Can we talk about Jack? He looks like he got the mat gate special. Like Jack has some intense features. Yeah, a lot of teeth again. A lot of teeth. Yeah, I call him Paul Ruddy in my vote notes. I okay. Okay. I think Paul, it's kind of giving him too big a compliment. Paul Rudd's pretty mad about this as he's listening to our podcast. Paul Ruddured Kipling. I I called him young.

Oh fuck, what's his name? You know, the pirate rapist Johnny Depp. Yeah. Or wife theater. The pirate wife theater. Yes. Young Johnny Jeff Neil Gaiman. Yeah, he looks like a young Johnny Depp. He looked like Johnny Depp and cry baby. Oh, I see that, I see that, but yeah, he is a big fan of our protagonist. They have a scene where they play pool and he asks her to go to Vegas and marry him. And she says no, so we're going to pass over that. Yeah, that was weird. They get all the pool wrong.

It's fine. Yeah, they get all the pool. I was mad. It's literally just there to enrage. He thin right? Oh, they're also playing it in a black void. Yeah. Did you guys notice that? Yeah. They play pool inside a doodly do and then don't acknowledge it at all and move on. Yeah. Oh, and my favorite line from the book here, she's talking about the pink Bible. And he's like, oh, I've read it. And she's like, really? And he's like, yeah, dozens plural of times.

Yeah. Who has read a book dozens plural of times? He lies read my prejudice. He lies. 24 times Eli has read. They're definitely, I will say this. They're definitely books. I have read 24 times. No, there are not Eli. 100%. Eli. There are books that I have read significantly more than 24 times and I would like to move on Senator. Yeah. Did you know Eli's mom is a Lee Bennett Hopkins award winner? Oh, Carol will care about that. She's not a plebeian like you.

But more than 20, I'm stuck on 24 times. I don't want to talk about it. Eli, have you talked your therapist about this? No, I don't talk to my therapist. Every time he does, he just throws his arms across it. Yeah. And which I might say something to do and he writes it down and he goes, well, that's pretty important. So yeah, that's why there's better health. All right. So now we had back to the party. It's time for some shenanigans.

The two mean sisters are going to cut the music because the party is going to well. And if the party goes to well, Charlie and Jack will choose other women. Yeah, the mean one, what's her name? And Lydia. She is a leather man in her sequin butterfly purse. She's got a multi-tooled beard. I do like that. I do like that. Charlie warm on Lydia and Kitty, who are supposed to be the bad characters. But by the end of this, I was like, I think they're the only ones I like in this movie.

What does that say about you, he? I like it. Yeah. A leather man carrying lady. Okay. So Lydia is by far the most atrocious character in this entire film. But why are we lumping Lydia together with electric-cuted girl? That's true. Oh, we haven't gotten there yet. She is just a victim in all of this. She's like hapless and sweet. She really is. She just constantly is victimized by this movie. And she is also the youngest of all of them.

Yes, but I do have to point out that Lydia is actually the best character in the movie because she is the one who owns the pug. So, you know, different opinions take her own. She almost kills her sister. She does. This is where she almost kills her sister. Her sister attempts to cut, I think it's the main power to the house with the multi-tool. Yeah. Cutting off just unplugged. It's the wire to like the band's amp, right? Yes, it's unplugged.

It's also like in every movie ever where there's like a bomb that they have to diffuse, they sit there and stress and sweat over which wire to cut. In this one, she's like cut the wire. There's like 70 wires. Yeah. She's like, I'll just cut this one. No hesitation. And then almost dies. Yeah, she gets comedy-electricuted, which I got to say is the thing I do miss from mainstream cinema. Where a person would do a thing that absolutely 100% would kill them.

But we know they're not dead because their hair just sticks out all funny after it happens. Yeah. Yeah. And then, we also check in on Darcy again. This is Charlie. Charlie is checking the power and the garage because again, the shenanigans happened. And Darcy's in their reading because he's an intellectual. Yeah, he's in a convertible parked in the garage. I thought it was like a suicide scene up. It felt like he walked in on that, yes. That was weird. Yeah. I wasn't checking off.

Reading this manuscript. Yeah, he's reading a manuscript in a three-ring binder. Yeah. Okay. So that will pay off later. Right. Right now I see it. But for this point in the movie, I was like, dude, what the fuck are you reading? I bought a script for reservoir dogs from a guy on 42nd and 70. Really brushing up on my literature. This is also where he says that all the women in the party are too stupid to talk to. And I have a hot take here.

I've literally never spoken to a man who talked to me about how stupid women were, who wasn't the dumbest fucking douchebag ever met. Like that guy's next words are always ice bath. Like a person at the time. Yeah. And this is the first time, but not the last that I wrote in my notes. I feel like Jane Austen would prefer this movie had not been made. Oh, 100%. Yeah. Although she didn't know what movies were. Right. Okay. So now we cut back to the party.

Because the speaker has cut nerdy girl goes up and sings a song and everyone makes fun of her. Yes. Sadly, Mary, the stereotype is a legit Mormon stereotype. We all had one Mary in our ward. Right. Exactly. But the plot works because now we cut to Lydia and Lydia has bumped into, is this Jack or Charlie? They're identical. It's so hard to tell. Oh, at first Lydia, yeah. Lydia is going after Charlie. Yes. Lydia basically wants to steal Charlie from Argentinian Jane. Yes. Exactly.

And she stages a meat cute here based on like the pink Bible strategy. I guess it's got a diagram and everything. Yeah. Yeah. The idea is like, do that bump into thing and you know, you drop all your books or whatever. So she like stages that. But Charlie doesn't react to it at all. He's about to leave. And then she's like, fuck. Okay. Plan B. She does the old sexy elbow trick for a second. And it's what's the elbow trick?

That's what they teased earlier in the movie, the five finger death punch of elbows. What is it though? It's like risk control, but elbow and it's sexy. Yeah. I think you're supposed to like, when you squeeze a guy's elbow, it's supposed to win him over. It's what the book is claiming. I figured as a doctor, you would know about this. This is a common medical phenomenon. They didn't teach me that. I'm not teaching dentistry school. All right.

Well, you know, if someone's ever dying and they seem like they could use some arousal, the old funny bone. Pretty sure that violates every. No, you're not supposed to squeeze the elbow. Have your clients? We also meet here intense eyes blonde lady with pearls around her neck. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Other evil white lady. It's hard to keep track. Yeah. They really needed to limit their choice down of evil white ladies in this film.

There are quite literally, I'm not joking, three different villainous women who will introduce at various points throughout the movie confusions that will make the protagonist upset. And they are identical, except that this one always wears pearls and her hair up. This one's Caroline. Yes. Caroline scares me. She has like these eyes that pierce through your soul. Yeah. She's pretty scary. She's good casting. Okay, but now we're going to meet.

I think my favorite character in the movie other than Austin the pug. So we cut back to Mary singing on the stage because the band stopped because the cast sounded. Mm-hmm. And she's singing and everybody's just silently watching her sing. That's weird. Like my, my Bonnie lives over the ocean, weird thing. And then one guy in the background through the silence is like, you suck. Therefore, this party sucks. Yep. My favorite lion's cinematics. Yes, he is. He is. Therefore, including therefore.

Yep. He's yellow. I had to, I laughed a lot at this moment. I definitely felt like I was watching Empire Records at the same time. It's an equivalent to Empire Records this film. And I, I think we need heckling, married or guy everywhere, right? That's just like a fun, fun guess. We need him in every movie. Absolutely. So now we cut back to Colin and Darcy. This is where Darcy sees Jack for the first time and Jack's like, oh, hey, Darcy and Darcy's like, fuck off right now.

He's like, whatever I wanted to leave to establish that they have a history. Yeah, I wrote, okay. So Jack and Darcy have beef. I wrote, please be gay lovers, please be gay lovers, please be gay lovers. Yeah, if you wrote, you read the book dozens plural of times. So you know, this book dozens of times. Yes, I did. Don't lie. Don't lie. God. Have you, and Darcy, let's, I want to point out here, have you ever seen a college aged boy, which clearly he's not?

He's like 42 years old playing a college issue. But have you ever seen a college aged boy at a rager wearing a blazer? Okay. Sometimes blazers are a thing. Carrot, thank you. He thing. I feel like there's about to be a shepo. You were a chef. Thank you. You wore blazers when you were 19. I, the first night of college. I've known one. I went out with my roommates and I might have worn a sports jacket. Of course you did, Eli. And it went now great. It went swimmingly.

So I probably went home and read that book for a 26 time. Everybody's just handing you keys the whole time. I'm not the valet. I'm not the valet. I don't work here. I mean, I will clear your glasses. But duh. But yeah, they're hinted that they have a history. We all wrote that they used to fuck every single one. That's what it seems like. Yeah, because the scene, he's like, my name's Darcy. Oh, he's, oh, she's asking Jack about him because she's like, oh, you know, that dick.

He's such a dick, right? And he's like, his name's Darcy. We are totally in the past. We have a history is like almost exact words. Yeah, we have a disagreement about a girl. And then he's like, yeah, about a girl. Yeah, a girl. Which by the way, like spoilers, we'll talk about what their actual disagreement is. That is not how you would phrase their situation in any way about a girl. Yeah, my sister. Yeah. Yep. Oh, wait, but it was Jack talking. So it is how he would say it.

Okay. Well, everyone in this movie is going to talk past each other to like set up. Yeah, do plots. So now the movie's talking past the audience to go along with that theme, I guess. Yeah. So we get, get a scene where our Jettinian girl is in love with Charlie. I don't know what happened in this scene because the pug is in the scene. So my notes are in order, pug, pug. Yes, go over there and say hi to the pug. Please go to the pug in the movie. I asked so little of you.

So yeah, they said she's in love with Charlie. That's all you need to know. We made it pretty far into how far would you say we are into the movie at this point? Almost exactly a third. Okay, because we made it pretty far before like my notes start to descend a little bit into madness. Yeah. Like this is where the first time I wrote, I legit don't care about anything anyone is doing or talking about. Which usually happens much earlier. So I didn't write that. I thought that though.

I wrote, Pug has a bottle. He bottle. So this baby pug is being fed like pug baby formula. Yes, it's the best. How could you not love it? So now we cut to the next day. The boys are playing tennis. This is Charlie and Darcy playing tennis while the girls basically just update us on what has happened in the movie so far.

Right. Just like Jane Austen intended, the just like Jane Austen characters they brought lemonade to like lady watch the man sporting and they're just sitting on the sidelines of this tennis. Right. Yeah, this is the sisters, right? They're watching them and the and the bad sisters like got googly eyes over. Charlie, right. And Caroline is also there. Oh, Caroline's name. That's Pearl necklace who was scary in the last scene and will be scary in future.

Yeah, she's wearing pearls in her tennis costume. They manage. I think they managed to fail the Bechtel test in this book slash movie by Jane Austen. I know. So many. Where 99% of the dialogue is between women. They found them somehow they really they really male. Is there like a murdering that? Is there an anti Bechtel test, right? The Matt Powell test that they're that they're actually passing with flying colors.

But the whole point of this scene is that at the end Darcy is one and he says, Oh, I could give you a tennis lesson. And she's like, you don't remember you were rude to me. And he's like, Oh, we have sexual tension because it's the 90s and treating each other poorly established sexual tension in the 90s. You're talking about Elizabeth, right? Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Also, she's all sweaty and disheveled and that's like hot to Darcy.

Yeah. Whereas the girls who are all made up and trying to be pretty do not catch their attention. Oh, I didn't catch it. That's actually redeeming him a little bit here. I didn't notice. Darcy's actually, they I think they they make him a relatively good character. They eventually he's got a chip on his shoulder at the beginning.

Yeah. At the beginning when he's in the bookstore, he has a chip on his shoulder because rightly so living in fucking Provo or or Salt Lake or wherever they are, he's like, what is with all the women in this town? So when he's at the bookstore and he's trying to have an interesting conversation with somebody, he's like pissy about it. Because he's like, Mormon women just constantly are talking about how much they want to get married. Interesting. Okay. That's how I read him.

Like he's only shitty for one scene. And then he just give him the movie. He's just giving the movie. Yeah. Yeah. The rest of the movie he's trying to make up for it, which is which is very similar to the novel. He and Bridget Jones diary Colin Firth. He's Colin Firth who's awkward and cold and with somebody else. And later it turns out to be delightful. Also the was Darcy and then what's his name? Hugh Grant. Hugh Grant is Jack. Is Jack for sure.

Yeah. So for everybody listening, just superimposed characters. For everyone who wants to attune to the real work of literary scene, that movie dozens of times. So there's help there. You go. It's Elizabeth and none of the other female characters. For the younger members of the audience, Bridget Jones's diary is a remake of Pride and Prejudice where the 126 pound Renee Zellberger is supposed to be their words not mine. Mega fat. Yep. Yep. Yep. It's a real Yikes Arue. Yikes indeed.

Also Caroline is in the movie. Yeah. His Caroline is Colin Firth's fiance. Yes. In the film. Yes. Yep. Yep. Yep. Correct. Can we just switch to Bridget Jones diary? Exactly. In the 2002. No, it's like I'm gone for one week. You switched. No movie. You've got a positive review of Bridget Jones's diary for two days. Damn it. I gave you all one job. But now it's time for us to really hate Collins, right? So Collins is going to show up with some flowers.

Oh, God. And his proposal speech begins with I'm willing to overlook the things about you. I hate I wrote my notes, the Anna Bosnick story. And then he says, I know it's tiny butts. I wrote the Eli Bosnick story. And then he says sometimes when a girl says no, she means yes. And I wrote the Neil Gaiman story. Yes. He says mom says that sometimes when a girl, he goes there with flowers and says, will you marry me? Which what the fuck? And she's like, no, I'm not going to marry you.

And he's like, why you've been flirting with me for weeks? And she's like, I've been nice to you because I feel sorry for you. And then he's like some mom says sometimes when a girl says no, she means yes. Yep. The fuck. Yeah, not great. Yeah. And it gets worse. She's like, no, I haven't been flirting with you. You've been paying me to cut your hair. Yeah. I was like, oh my God. Yeah. And he's like, but the way you touch my scalp. Yeah. What did he say at one point?

He goes, I find your forward feminist ways very exciting. Terrifying. Terrifying. And like right next to the other, it was like, my mom taught me that no means yes. I enjoy your feminism. Despite that, will you marry me? Yeah. And remember, this guy has a major ed Kemper vibes. Made, yes. I wrote my notes at this point. At some point in the scene, I wrote, this would be a funny scene if it wasn't how women get murdered like significant amounts of the time.

Yes. Yes. Yes. He tells her that they have been commanded to multiply and replenish the earth. Yeah. Which is such a Mormon line. You hear it all the time. But in this context, it's extra creepy. Yeah. He snaps and he yells that. And then he's like, all right, well, you know what? I might be leaving. This offer is off the table in three. You're not doing it? Two. One and a half is how I go to fuck. And he just leaves. And he leaves. And then can we dissect this exit?

He closes the flowers in the door. And when he does that, he yelled fetch. Fetch. Which like, what's the lineup? So this movie came out in 2002 or 2003. And was Mean Girls, eight later than that, right? This was a nice movie. I was trying to make that chat. This, I have always said Mean Girls is based on Pride and Pride and Pride and Disability comedy. Amen. And Karrie is the only one brave enough to say it. Tina Fey pulling out headphones. Super angry.

Yeah. No, she's angry because we're on to her. That's right. She's afraid. Yeah. And then last thing before the scenes over, Jack just shows up to like to reestablish himself in the movie. And he's like, who wants to go on date with me? All of you still in this film. Yeah. That's it. All right. We'll find out what happens. But first we're going to take a quick break. And then we'll be back with act two of Water Boarding Jane Austen's eternal soul. Helen, listen to me.

We can't let Julie's party be the event of the season. Brad will like literally forget our names. Totally. We have only one choice. We have to cut the power. It's giving total blackout. Here. Use these garden sheers. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. What happened? We're doing like shenanigans. By touching the main power to somebody's house with metal. Is that metal? Yes. Okay. Well, I'm pretty sure your friends dead. No. She'll be okay. Slay. We'll see. Maybe. I've dead. Are you?

Oh, no. She's literally dead. Brad Summer. Right. And we're back. When we left off, the obnoxious pretty boy Jack showed up to invite Elizabeth to a different scene. And now we're there at a so-called Indian restaurant. But we're in Provo, Utah. So that's the context. Oh, he has someone about to head to Salt Lake City in Basque and its delicious avocado toast. A spice free Indian cuisine, which I am 1000% sure this is, is something I look forward to with a plum.

Okay. Well, their example in the scene of, you know, adventurous ethnic food is chicken deacomast of which by the way is Scottish. Yeah. It was invented in the UK by a Bangladeshi chef who is there hoping to let white people think they were eating Indian food. That's why that dish exists. And it's delicious. Yeah. It was in Glasgow. Also, did you guys see the waiter that they showed for like a half a second at the end of the scene? Yeah. Was it, it was vaguely racist, right?

Extremely. The Sikh channel. Just making a joke. Yeah. I mean, look, I'm not saying that a Sikh person can't work at an Indian restaurant. Obviously, Sikh people work in a variety of jobs. What I am saying is that this movie definitely thought that turbine meant Indian. Yeah. They were, they were not going for Sikh there. They were going for snake-termor. Yeah. Exactly. Like that's what was happening there. This is insensitive Halloween costume. Yes. What they were aiming for.

This was the restaurant's weird uniform like cheeseburger and paradise with the grass skirts, but like this hat that they get you. Yeah. No, that's a turbine. And this is Sikh, it's the uniform. Yeah. So now it's time for us to get Jack's version of the backstory with Darcy in tree. He was in love with Darcy's sister, but Darcy broke it off because he's middle class. And then he tried to bribe him not to see her again, but it didn't work. And then he immediately tries to tongue-kiss her.

Yeah. He never really explains why, like it's weird. He's like Darcy didn't want me to marry his, no, he said date, his sister. Yes. Darcy offered me a bribe. And then it still didn't work out. He didn't take the bribe. No. And then the sister broke up with him anyway. Right. Cool. Yeah. And then he attempts to slam his face into her face. At this point, I wrote in my notes, if your seduction technique doubles for Muay Thai boxing, not a great sign, not a great sign.

Yeah. Like I used to say, what? What? I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we weren't all in the fight, Fitzgerald. Muay Thai. We weren't all covered in the names of the men we killed in the rain. Making a website. This part's weird to me though, because clearly making a website right now. Up until this point, Elizabeth, is clearly into Jack, right? Like that's what they're painting. Like she's super hot for Jack. She's thinking about Jack all the time. Jack goes in to kiss her.

She like, she could slow down Cowboy. And I'm like, I don't get, is she asexual? Like what are they going for here? Because she's not that she's required to, of course not. But like she wants to kiss him, right? Like that's. She's a proper Mormon lady. She's a proper Mormon girl. Mormon's kiss. Some kiss. But first they, you know, duck you like Neo in the Matrix for a little bit. I see. And then maybe though like a lady, maybe the laxic, daisicle, come and go Mormons where you come from, Kara.

Yeah, don't learn Tix. Exactly. The only thing that proper Mormons do is soak and jump on the bed. Did you notice though that earlier when they were at the tennis game, they were drinking red-can coke? I did notice. Why? That's not Mormon. It's not. It should have been caffeine-free coke. Do they not have like caffeine-free in the regular can just for Utah? No, it's like, it's like a gold or silver or a weird gold color thing.

The soda machines are that color too to let you know you're not accidentally going to get caffeine. It's very funny. Very funny. But yeah, they have that scene. Now we get another title card. I don't know if I've mentioned this yet, but this movie uses Jane Austin quotes. As the title cards in between scenes, but as the movie goes on, it is less and less, like quotes you would recognize from Pride and Prejudice and more and more things like two weeks later or four o'clock.

But it's early in the movie so we get those who do not complain or never pitted and she's complaining about the plot of the movie to her boss at the book store. It's early in the movie still at this point. She's surprised. Yeah, she's, she's bitching about pressure to marry to her old man boss. It's very uncomfortable. He has a big hole in his sweater. I don't know if you guys noticed that. Just desperately trying not to talk about a 19 year old sex life as he runs his shop.

I like that the old man boss says nothing. She's talking the whole time about weird awkward inappropriate stuff. He says nothing and you just see in his eyes being like, you hear me not responding to anything. Stop talking to me about that stuff. It's not okay. Oh, is this the part where she's talking about a bunch of like losers that she's gone on dates with and it shows a montage? The failed dating montage. And she's supposed to be 1920 and these are like all 45 year old men.

Yeah, all of them. Yeah, these are supposed to be prosoders, but they are more her dad's friends. Let's see, we have the guy who only read comic books. The guy who couldn't read to tall. I wrote in my notes, Heath, are you okay? Oh. And then the last one is just, oh, I'm not. Thank you. Not okay. And then the last guy is just a guy with an adventurer. Equestummy. I'm not sure if you noticed this, but I love that you called them her pursuitors. Yeah, her pursuitors. Exactly. It's good.

I like that. I write like Toddler's talk. You know, the adorable like malapropisms that Toddlers do. That's how I write the English language at the age of 37. But is that where suitors comes from? It might have the same root. I don't. Maybe I'm too good at the English language. Maybe if you think about it. So yeah, Jack is here. No, Darcy shows up, right? Yeah, pop scare. Yeah, Darcy does a pop scare and he has something he'd like to talk to her about, which means that the movie is over.

It's weird too, because he just shows up. And he looks like, hey, what's going on? But she's been talking this whole time about how she hates Darcy and loves Jack and all men are trash. Yeah. But then he's like, hey, what's up? And you're like, you heard all of that, right? Yeah. So what is supposed to happen? There's a bunch of things that they're smushing two scenes together here to make them both nonsensical. So there are two scenes in Pride and prejudice, AKA, Bridget Jones is diary.

The first scene is Darcy has been rooted a party earlier. So Elizabeth is talking shit about Darcy and that she does like, he's right behind me, isn't he? And then he bites her head off like a tyrannosaurus, right? I remember that in Bridget Jones's diary. And Bridget Jones's diary, the work of literature, exactly. The second scene is the scene where he tries to ask Elizabeth out later in the movie and kind of fumbly and awkward about it. And he says, I find you strangely attractive.

Something that they repeated in this film. Right. But that was supposed to be like a much bigger deal in Pride and Prenches. I find you strangely attractive is like, what's that pussy smell like in Regency England? So, it's supposed to be a much bigger deal in the team. But they've combined those two scenes, which makes them both nonsense. Cause she's like, I fucking hate Darcy. And then he's like,

Oh, I'm here. Anyways, I find you strangely attractive. Right. Right. Like if I walked up on someone and they were talking about how much they hate me of fear that I have every time I walk up to anybody. I would not then ask them out. Oh, well, you don't have the confidence of a mediocre one. Yeah. That's true. Um, all I could do is. Yes, I do. The you're on our podcast. And they did it for. So to the paycheck. All I could notice in this scene, all I could notice. The only thing was that

all the books on the bookshelf were fucking placed horizontally. It was insane. They were. It was the craziest system I've ever seen. Yeah. It was so stressful. And I think so the writer, again, did ridiculous like stage direction here, but didn't have any specificity to it. It just said like do something funny and clumsy. The guy who plays Darcy. And he was like, all right. I'll pick up books off the shelf and then throw them up in the air like an infant.

And he's like clumsy charming. Please, Dave. And she's like, no, like a Victorian infomercial who's seen a mouse. Like our sponges hard to wash with. And he's actually a good actor though. I'd say the one good actor is the guy plays Darcy. He is. He's probably the strongest actor. Let me make an argument. Let me make an argument. Let me throw this at you. He's in like real movies. He was in death on the Nile recently.

Great movie. Great film. Let me throw this at you. If your performance is handsoming, it's easier than not. Also, yeah, his whole personality was a British actor. Having his face was his. I think him. He's not handsome. Okay. Can we take a second? He's not handsome. I just a great beautiful man. What are you talking about? Carol, this is almost as bad as the time you said that pugs were the greatest thing ever to happen.

This is you've crossed us for the last time. This is bad. Okay. All right. All right. He's just British. You guys are you guys are having a intercom or is he British? Exactly. You guys are falling into the trap. Welcome to being a woman. It smells like a lot of dating scene. I'm pretty sure. Is he cute or does he just have tattoos? Oh, does he just have a British accent? That counts for points. That's reason. You are talking about two things. Heath and I fall for hard. Carrots and Maria. So

you are alone right now. You are all alone on this podcast. One woman show. All right. So now it's time for another title card. This is the dullest topic might be rendered interesting by the skill of a speaker, which is a great intro for church, which is about to happen. Yeah. So Collins is going to give a sermon on marriage, which is the scariest thing in the film. Basically his point is if a guy proposes, you should say yes. And if you don't, when he murders you, it's fine.

Oh, yeah. Collins is revealing himself as a literal insell at this point. And he is pulling a full Harrison butker. And if you don't know who that is, that's the NFL player whose mom is a literal medical physicist who did that whole women should stay home and be wives and have kids, you know, doing the college commencement dress. That's basically what Collins, AKA Ed Kemper is doing. Exactly. And this is the first of her fantasy montages,

which I was very confused by. So Elizabeth doesn't have doodly doof in Pride and prejudice. And neither does Bridget Jones, Bridget Jones's diary, the much more important work. But for some reason, at this point, the movie Pride and Prejudice a latter day comedy introduces that Elizabeth will occasionally have fantasies. So she fantasizes about throwing her book of Mormon at Collins's face and everyone applauds for her. It's her hymnol. Thank you. Oh, her hymnol.

Yes. You don't have just your book of Mormon at Wilson. You're embarrassing yourself. Yeah. And most people's book of Mormons are like soft, soft, covered, pleathered, pleathered. Yeah, they're pleathered with their name, yes, emblazoned. Good for throwing at people because that's going to happen. Yeah. And they come in like a little tofer, like a little leather case that has the book of Mormon in the Bible, like next to each other.

The two for that was very much a hymnol, which lives in the pew. Do the fancy people have like an extra holster for like Pearl of Great Price or whatever. Yeah. Pearl of Great Price and Doctrine and Covenants are printed at the end of the book of Mormon. It's all in the book. Yeah. It's in the same book. Yeah. Stop embarrassing yourself. Yeah. Also, did you notice the way that the bishop when he finally is like, do you need to get down

your embarrassing yourself? He's like, next up, we have Miss Vasquez and I vomited in my mouth. Yeah. Jane Argentina is here. She's brought quasi dealas further. Yeah. And then afterwards she's going to take us to Taco Bell and pronounce our orders for us. So the title cards at this point are getting weak. This is a fortnight later. Jane is very sad because Charlie is gone. And the only reason I include this scene is because Charlie

is in America searching for ancient Native American burial grounds. And I wrote, if they're the ones, I think you're searching for Charlie. Good luck. Oh, for sure. This was like ruins of Nephi. Yes. Absolutely. Came across on the sub. The wooden tightest dish unto a dish submarine. Oh, I didn't get that. That's, yeah, that's rough. And he sent her a dear Jane letter. You got to love that. A dear, a literal dear Jane. Cara, this is a modern hit movie.

He sent her a dear Jane email email. Yes, that's true. Electronic mail. It's the newest thing. To know that there's a Britney Spears song called email my heart. It's amazing. Probably from the same air. So now we're going to cut to the day of her big business lunch with the literary agent. What business lunch you ask? I don't fucking know. At some point in this Haberdashary of Scenes, a literary agent wrote that they would like to

discuss her book with her. Great. Now you're all cut up and now some rad-of lunch. We see her drive there and run out of gas and fix her car with a wrench. She fixes the lack of gas with an inch with the socket wrench. Yeah. And then she arrives. Yeah. And so she heads to this lunch. She goes to Eli wearing a blazer. She does this thing that I love movies do, right? So movies always cue you that a restaurant is fancy because the matradia is a piece of

shit. Yeah. And he's always gay too. He's like a snobby gay man. Yeah. He always call him gay. And he's always like as though rich people want someone to be like, get the fuck out of my restaurant. They do though. That character's code is gay. Therefore this is a problematic movie. Yes. See? He if you could be this job, Peckler and Arita guy, when they start doing it, I think it's fantastic. We need him everywhere. But yeah. So now I don't think you read this book

by Jane Austin. Therefore this is also. I tried to read it. Oh, you're talking about the essence. Not this movie, not this book. Hera. We were going to be quizzing me at live shows. Bridget Jones diary, the book based on the movie. It's awesome. Yeah. I read the novelization of Jurassic Park. And that's called Jurassic Park. Jurassic Park. It's great. He's very tall. Any way, who should show up at the literary agent? Why? It's Darcy. Yes. He's the D in D in G publishing.

This I don't get. Okay. Can we take a minute? I know we don't have much time. Well, maybe we have enough time. We have a time. Kara. Okay. Kara, we have all the time in the world. I need to listen to this right now, desperately saying out loud in his office, no, you fucking don't make a joke on my podcast. But he's not here this week because I assume they're ripping out his T3 at heart again. So this this D Darcy in D and G publishing, eco owns a publishing house. He's

clearly 45, but playing a 19 year old, right? I think he's supposed to be a little bit older. Like a 23 post college. Yeah. 23 year old. And I think Elizabeth says she's 26 at one point. She's in college and 26 according to the mission. Oh, maybe she went on a mission. They're getting a doctor. She's gonna be a good mission. Yeah. Dead people. She might have gone on a mission. Okay. Yeah. They do it. But not all women do that.

Kara still in school. So she's getting her MRS PhD or whenever. Whoa. Kara called out by Heathen, right? That's what he said. I have nothing clever to say a response to that. Morgan. Morgan. Morgan. Please replay the part where Kara said the thing that I was calling back to. Please cut the. Just put it right here. Just delete all of it. No, we're very sorry. Anyways. So no. Wow. I'm publishing. Kara literally got us back into the podcast with a with a thigh slap.

Well, yeah. Well better be hitting the old. Do you guys want to do some comedy or did you want to know it? Come to your houses and kill you. I'm afraid that my retorts to certain things won't be funny. They'll just be mean. That's true. So you did. I just tell a heat that he was a bag of flesh worth nothing. And that you would celebrate his suicide with garners. Okay. But that was me and funny. It was a good roast. Yeah. Clearly an Elias. That does not sound very

Kara. I think you know, Maria.com says otherwise. Morgan. I'll actually do it anymore. So now I'm understanding too that he's the D and D and G publishing because his last name is Darcy, which I didn't know because they didn't tell us that. Right. Because then I was like, he keeps talking about his partner, Janice. And I'm like, is Janice the G? He's the genius. That's really good. Karissa's gif instead of gif. I do. So yeah, it was lost.

So you would be fine with it exactly. Yeah. So he tells her then he talks about how her story is really interesting. And he thinks she's a great writer, but it needs some work. And in giving her some quote constructive feedback, he tells her the story is in co-eran. Okay. This is amazing. The movie writer accidentally wrote a scene with a publisher roasting the movie

script that was being written later at the time. It's the best. It's so funny because what very obviously happened is this person who can't write was like, well, what kind of feedback do I get when people read my writing? They tell me my writing is incoherent and it's filled with spelling mistakes. The polyonic techno fantasy is not a thing. Yeah. Therefore you're stupid. There you go.

Exactly. And so this person was like, well, even though he wants to write her book, he would probably say the things that all of those script readers have said to me about this movie. To be fair, that's what I say about your running commentary. Well, and I have always taken it as the flirting that it is. Okay. So much better. So much good. This whole podcast has been our meet. Cute carol. I find you strangely attractive. He would like.

God, it's painful. But my favorite is her response to that is she goes, because he's like, oh, there's some spelling mistakes and her response is, I've already done 10 trips. Yeah. Like she just wanted to be raw dog published exactly the way it is. Yep. Yeah. And then she gets mad at him and pretends like she's going to throw a drink in his face. And I can't help but feel like, what are the stakes in this movie? Like, has this character ever dealt with anything of consequence in her life ever?

No, absolutely not. She has an offer to be published and he tells her that an experienced editor needs to edit her book and she gets like offended by that. Yeah. Again, the real writer of the movie has had that happen many times about the Napoleon and his man about this. So the character here is like, oh, is this about me turning you down for a date earlier? And the publisher guy's like, Darcy's like, no, it's just a coincidence.

It's like a bad plot point that needs editing. That's what that is. Don't worry about it. Also, I'm offering to publish the book. I'm just telling you it needs editing. Why would I bring you here and offer to publish the book as revenge for you saying no to dating me? But yeah, she fantasizes about throwing water at him. Karen, have you ever gotten to throw water at someone? I probably have gotten to, but I didn't. You never did like the Martini glass to the face thing? Oh, I don't drink.

Still, you could just get a martini for a drink. I could just throw somebody else's martini. Explain that it's a throwing martini. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I don't know. I've never found this. I want you to know next time we eat together, you could throw a drink at Heath. It'll be super fun. I was about to volunteer myself. There you go. There you go. It's all working out. Perfect. We'll put it on TikTok. All right. So now we get a being sad about the last scene montage.

Darcy wrote her an email that says, sorry, I say mean stuff when people are around. And I wrote the no-elution story. And this is where he explains the real story with Jack. That Jack married his sister in Las Vegas and then ran up a big bill in her name. I was like, this is so silly. And then I googled Mormons getting married in Vegas. And I got to say, I am loving the loophole. Ism of Mormonism. Oh, yeah. I learn about it. It's like every religion. They love their loopholes.

Yeah, this is apparently a very common thing is that teens who just can't wait to have sex. Will go to Vegas get married at a drive-through wedding chapel and then go fucking their parents aren't mad about it. Because that's the rules. Because that's the rules? Box. Yeah, they bell-checked it. You can't complain. Checked. Although to be fair, most parents would be mad about it because they want their kids to get married in the temple. Whoa. Yeah, see, that's what I would think.

I would be like, no, you can't cheat and do a drive-through marriage thing. Are there not Mormon drive-through temples in Vegas? No, I don't think so. We should start one of those. Yeah, start. Oh, there's our big chance. Hey, we're going there anyways. We're an hour away by plane. And so what ultimately happens in Darcy's version of the story? Jack Mary's Darcy's sister in Vegas has a gambling addiction, basically steals a bunch of her money. And then how does it end?

Well, she goes to divorce him and then it turns out he was already married to another girl. So she didn't even have to. Oh, right. Right. And they play that up like it's a bad thing, which is kind of funny, given the religion. Yes, I like that they show one little poker moment about his gambling addiction. He proudly lays down like a pair of sixes and loses because that's, you know, he's got a gambling addiction. But apparently he's at like a high stakes five car draw table in the yeah, sure.

Yeah, you know, those famous go fish tables that they have, but yeah, they have in every corner in the in Las Vegas ball, Nine's and three's are wilds. Yeah, fours. You can buy a card. I'm confused still about Jack and his motives. So I'm trying to empathize here with Jack. Jack is married already. Why isn't he just with that wife? Already ran up all her credit cards. He needs a new girl to run the credit cards up on. And then he just keeps coming back to Salt Lake. Yeah, I guess he just keeps.

Why does he keep going for Mormon girls? Because everybody wants to get married. Does everyone wants to get married? And he's just got this name. And they have that Mormon gold. Where he, why does he marry them in order to run up there? Oh, because like then he has access to it. Well, because otherwise it would be improper. It's a very confusing. This is also where we resolve the Charlie and Jane thing. Remember that Charlie broke up with Jane?

Well, it turns out the only reason he broke up with Jane is because he saw Collins proposing to her in a montage from earlier in the movie. It was all a misunderstanding the plot of this film. The whole plot of this film. And to be clear, if you're confused, yes, Ed Kemper slash Collins proposed to Jane after Ed Kemper slash Collins proposed to Elizabeth. And he does this systematically to all the women in the movie.

His characters just like sprinting around the movie proposing for most of his existence. Yeah, he will propose to all females within the film. Yes, but eventually he nails it. Yeah. So now it's time for another title card. This is where they're starting to get weak. This is one morning about a week after. Jane Austin. Yeah. Okay, so this is supposed to be, this is what I imagine a misogynist, incapable of empathy, imagines women's unhappiness to be. Right?

Oh, no, we have we have weekends like this. You do. We can't say that. I retract. Ma, you going to one ice cream vendor. This is not just women. People have experiences like this. Sometimes you need a sad day. Yep. That's just a thing we do. For me, it's a happy day. But yeah, everybody does it. I was going to say this is he's just lifestyle. Also, I know I'm cutting to the next scene, but one of the, we'll get there.

But one of the sisters gives these two girls who are having pizza and ice cream sad day. A bunch of shit for buying tampons. Like, so they're also on their periods. Yes. Like, it's okay to just like lay about sometimes when you feel unwell. Yeah. And have pizza and ice cream. And have pizza and ice cream. And speaking of that scene, that is where the mean girls are going to come in. And guess she does say how dare you buy tampons. She wrote, I wrote my notes.

Men love women who don't men straight. Menopause is so hot. Yeah. But to be fair, I don't men straight. And I have not gone through menopause. It's the best of both worlds. Exactly. It is. That's absolutely odd. This movie was setting you up for success. Santa Maria, I've always said that. We did skip over one thing, which I think is important. We will come to it again later. But we get to hear Charlie's business venture. We see the commercial. Oh, this is very important.

He sells Mozart to dogs. Like, he has these, you know, wow, that's what I call music. CDs, I guess they're, yeah, they have CDs then. And it's like this high-pitched people, but of these, you know, like famous classical pieces. The marriage of Figaro is just the same, but the rest of them are like super-dovey. The rest is different. And it's supposed to make dogs like change their behavior. The whole time I was watching this killer was asleep next to me. No budget, not affected at all.

Did any of your dogs, did you, did the pug notice? No, Madison likes this. Didn't care for this part of the film. I tried to show her the pug, but Austin the pug cleans up some of the pizza and ice cream, which is the best. He does clean up some of the pizza in this scene. Yeah, which is great. Very cute. Yeah, you wrote pug like 17 times. I did. My notes are literally just pug. Pug. All cabs. All cabs. Because I love pugs. So now we get another title card.

Health, good humor and cheerfulness began to reappear. The arc of the plot began to arc in my movie. Now go. So what is the parallel here with Bridget Jones and this and the actual book? Because if she's writing that, like, is there like fat shaming in the book too? No, not in the fetch. I mean, in all of culture, in a way. I'm sure I, if I say no, someone's going to be like, actually, and I'm going to be like, yeah, no, that's true.

But yeah, this like getting over at montage where they're bouncing on yoga balls and. And by the way, they're all way like 99 pounds. Yeah, it's a book. Yeah, it's yeah. But they, but they did the crime of eating ice cream. So now they need to do the insane torture we call women's exercise. Yeah, American culture.

Yep. And then of course, she goes to start working on her book again, which we noticed by her popping the hard floppy disc of her book into the disc drive that she attaches to her portable MacBook. I wrote in my notes. He wrote as he turned to dust because he was so old. Yeah, this was the part where I realized this, but at this movie, like I said, came out in like 2002. I finished high school in 01. I finished college in 04. So like, I'm probably about the same age as these actors.

I looked it up. I'm not there much older because they were playing, you know, but like my undergrad honor thesis was saved on a discat, not a floppy. Like, you're under the hard discat. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Where you flip the metal part, whether you were rewriting or not. Of course. Yeah. Three and a half years. Gillette, Gillette, yes. Yes. And it corrupted. Oh, no. It was the status of that.

No. I actually paid a college freshman to retype the whole thing because all I had was a paper copy and I needed to make edits. So I paid somebody to retype the whole thing. And it was great. It was a lot. I'm glad that worked out. Yeah. For you. Oh, college. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. So also during this little montage of, you know, her cheerfulness beginning to reappear, we see her getting good grades in 26 year old college too. She gets a paper handed back to her.

The paper's title is great female characters and she got an A. So. All right. This movie writer gave herself an A at writing the script that she wrote for this movie, yes. Ooh, was the movie written by a woman? Two women, yes. Oh, okay. No. Yeah. Two women wrote this. No, he's no. Two Mormon women. Two, I would assume Mormon women wrote this. Yes. No, oh, that's so sad. Now I'm sad. We're having a sad time. Now we're having a sad time. Hey, Cheraki Hertz. Yeah. Men too.

So yeah, the other thing is when she gets this great, she gets offered a position as a TA in London, which is important to the plot. So now we get a quick scene where she breaks through a roommate that she's going to be a TA. She'll only be gone for three months, but Spanish girls very, very sad. She doesn't want her to go. Oh, you skipped something. Collins. Collins is now into nerd girl. Oh, yes. He shows up with flowers for nerdy girl in this montage. Yes. For Mary, right?

Yes. For Mary. Mary. So that plot point has resolved itself. And yes, she's going to be a TA at the thing. And so they go for hiking and ice cream to celebrate. Yeah. She's packing up and then Jane's like, I don't want you to go. Let's go hiking and eat ice cream together because that's what women do. That's what's going to happen now. I did write, oh, I want to go on a hike now. Great female characters in literature. A plus. But that's the thing. This was written by women.

Like it's, yes, it's written by misogynistic. Women with internalized misogynism. Misogynism. Yeah. That's not a word. Misogynism. Misogynism. Misogynism. Misogynism. Thank you. Women with internalized misogynism. I don't love that I man-splained the word misogyny to you yet. Oh, it's really much. I love that so much. We'll cut the, you'll cut the part where you called her a big dumb dummy. Heath, don't worry. We'll cut that out of the way. I remember.

Okay. So two women with a lot of internalized misogyny because they were born and raised into the Mormon church and they have a lot of self-hatred and they, you know, have a lot of self-loathing in there. They really do believe that like to get married to a man is the only thing that makes life worth living. But they're also still women. So they are writing female characters like women. But the opposite of Jane Austen, the much better feminist for attention.

No, I know she's a better feminist, but they're all women. And that's one of the things that you guys keep being like, that's not how women, and I'm like, no, yeah, it is. Like they are still writing women as women in this movie. Cara, I don't think you understand how women work is my next spot. Thank you for finally being brave. And I should have known to keep it from raining that to you. For being brave enough to say it, Heath. Okay. First, she's run about pugs.

This is why I come on this fucking show. Right? This is I'm doing a public fucking service. Sir. Sir. All right. I think it's best if we take a quick break. Thank you. Publicly. But first, let me give act three, the hard sell. Will the white lady and the white guy finally get together? Will the other white lady and the other white guy finally get together? What about nerd lady?

Find out nothing because the rest of all of our notes are entirely sheep hug when we return for the illiterate conclusion of Pride and Prejudice, a Latter-day comedy. I don't know, Mr. Wickham. I like Jack, but there's something about Darcy. I just can't get out of my head. If you could just put the books back onto the shelves. I mean, yes, Jack is handsome with hands like an octopus, but what should one expect from a boy in the stay-in-age?

Is actually pretty inappropriate to be talking about with your employer to see now. But Darcy is so mean. Where does he get offing so rude and sullen? Hey, I have a cantony mittens. Got him one of those towers this week with the lasers on it. You're right, Mr. Wickham. I just need to tell them how I feel. I love, young love. Thank you. Hey, man, can I buy a book? Shit, how long have you been there? A while. Sorry. And we're back.

When we left off, Jane and Elizabeth, we're heading up a mountain to maybe pass the Bechtel test in their movie based on the Jane Austin novel full of female characters. And they fail immediately that test, because Charlie shows up on a motorcycle. He might as well be yelling, I'm a man in the movie. Here I am. Here I am ruined your test. The man you've been waiting for while you bided your time with other women.

Oh, and this is the point where I got distracted during the last commercial break, because I was buying light bulbs on Amazon. So I kind of missed. I wondered why there were so many lumens in your notes here, Karen. All right, this is all making sense. To get the blue or the yellow. I got, oh, you can change the color temperature. Nice. So Charlie drives off with Jane. She goes to work on her book out in nature. Is she's Macbooking in the grass? Yes, as God intended.

As the young Cara Santa Maria did with her thesis, exactly. I do love working and sleeping outside. I'll give you that because she passes out, which is like I do when I'm hanging out outside. I like sleeping on the ground. What can I say? I like that they show her entire laptop screen for a second. And all of the text is grammar check under. Red Squiggle Man has come for everything she's written. Eli's used to that. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. It's the funny parts.

He writes the squiggles under the funniest jokes. Right? There you go. Okay. And then she takes a grammar nap, I think. And then it has a nightmare about getting haunted by an evil horseman in a rainstorm. No, no, she's, that's her book. Yeah, she's having a fantasy of her book. Yeah, she's just dreaming about her book. The Napoleonic Techno. No, no, no. This actually makes perfect sense with drawn. Right, because they're like in period costume. Yes, exactly.

But then she wakes up and she has to march through the rain. Yes, she wakes up in the pouring rain. Yeah. And it's pitch dark. Like, to be honest, she looks scared. And I'd be pretty scared too. I think I'd be able to hike back down to my car. I don't think I'd be so lost that I couldn't find my car. But it is kind of scary to go out during the day and not bring nighttime equipment on a hike. Especially if you're going to fall asleep. Yeah, like she didn't have a headlamp or anything.

There have been a couple of times where I went out during the day and I only brought my sunglasses and didn't realize that I was going to be out past the time when the sunset and then had to drive home without my normal person glasses. That's a little bit scary. Have you ever had to do that? No, you guys have perfect vision. I was going to say, Cara, the things that we would need to do beginning with go on a hike for us to relate to that sentence. Sorry, we're stopping right here at the pass.

Well, for anybody who's listening who's dealt with this before, you end up. Oh, if Noah was on this episode, he'd be like, absolutely. Yeah, he knows that I'm talking about. He ends up doing this game where whether you're driving or walking in the woods, where you're sort of wearing your sunglasses and periodically just lifting them. And so between the two, you can see well enough. Does that make sense?

You can combine the prescription of the sunglasses but then the taking away the shade of them. It adds up to seeing, introducing, sort of, well enough to get home. Cara, I'm going to hook you up with some sweet, sweet transition lenses for Christmas this year. No cookie basket for you this year. You're getting transition lenses. Nice. The highest of four of Monaco. Transitions mom. Two Monacles, two transition Monacles. A diacol. Pocket friendly. Yeah, exactly. People look out for it.

But yeah, she makes her way to the cabin and just walks in because why the fuck not? Yeah, what a bad shit thing to do. There's clearly someone home because there's a raging fire in the living room. Mm-hmm. And she just starts poking around their shit. Yeah, I wrote in my notes, okay, the furniture is definitely going to start to sing her a welcome song any second now. But wouldn't you know it? It's Darcy's cabin. Literally, I mean, he discovers her.

This plot is clunky, therefore, I don't like this movie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so he discovers her and they have a little, like, conversation. Yeah, she like breaks a bunch of his shit for some reason accidentally. Oh, yeah, she breaks something by accident like the moment she walks in. But this is where they make up, right? Oh, right. And what about Sister Anna? Can I just say I love Sister Anna? Yeah, Sister Anna's fantastic. She's like really sweet and supportive.

I think Elizabeth should hook up with her instead. The two authors of this movie agree with you. Yeah, they're definitely a vibe. Okay, definitely. Yeah, this is a fantasy scenario of like finding in the rain a cabin with like this British guy that you have a crush on and his delightful sister. Yeah. And realizing, oh, that's who you have the crush on. I feel like that's for a very specific Google search. She yes, it is. I'm into it. I'm into it. Look at this. He's coming out of the show.

Wow. Cara. Well, you have no idea how much of an ally you were to heathen right just so important. Starting to panic. I told you I wasn't into that Darcy. Into the star sea. There you go. Euphemia Anna. Yeah, yeah, that's her full name. Oh, yeah. And Fitzwilliam Darcy. Yes, exactly. They're over dinner. They're revealing. We both have the exact same very specific search history about Euphemia. That is established. I'm no way I made all that stuff up for the website. There's so much to work on.

I don't think heathenrights.com still goes to the article about legalizing incest, but I hope it does. No, Jesus. You're saying it's worse with others? Yeah. Wow. Everyone gives the website, Cara. Everyone gives the website. I have like 10 websites. You have the most. It's true. You have the most. Okay, Cara. On three, we're going to name the next word in that very specific search that we both have. One, two, three. Fondue. Yikes. That's where I thought you were going.

But I was about to be like, hey, keep joining me over here in the private room. Are you asking our friend to announce their king so the air? It's fondue in the movie. And I was like, okay, I'm on the word. I saw down the road where you were going. I wasn't sure our friend Cara saw. I did not see where he was going. And I was calling the police. Yeah, like, do I say credit karma? I don't know. Light bulbs. Okay. There's also a lot of probiotics commercials being shown to me. That's true.

We did, by the way, keep a running tally of the commercials, which we saved you, the dear listener. Yes. From having you. Quite a few. All of mine, because Amazon free V, I think it's called, knows I have a kid. So all of them are like, are you ruining your kid by not doing this ABC mouse website or whatever? Yes. Oh, it's fascinating. Okay, so it has you pegged as father who needs to guilt into buying more shit. Correct. It has you heath pegged as single dude, right?

Who wants dentistry, but also it actually really does. Because the other two, the other two things I saw, one was like a, probably a stepdad thing. It was like roofing people who like revitalize your roof. Like the enamel on teeth, which was weird. Like the graphic was the same. And the third thing was like wrist control universe, the MMA. Hell yeah. Yeah. Yes. And mine was all credit karma, poop probiotics and dog food or cat food.

So it definitely had me pegged as like a relatively successful middle aged woman. Yeah. Yeah. And they're like, you're stomach hurts and you love a dog and you're like, stomach does hurt and I love a dog. But yeah, what he was hinting at instead of sexually harassing our co-host, it's so I don't know. I understand this podcast. Yes, yes. Instead of asking our co-host out of nowhere, what her kinks were, he was referring to the next scene where they have an impromptu fondue party. Sure he was.

Which is the fantasy of the writers of this movie for sure. Let me throw this out there and he then right and me. If you're being honest, fondue, right? Come on. I'm not mad at it. I don't think you can do an impromptu fondue party. They take planning and I know what you're going to say. Oh, maybe they were planning a fondue party for two and she just joined them. That's not possible. They were. You don't have enough for three if you plan a fondue party for two. Well, they had to ration.

That's right. Wouldn't have been enough cheese to go around. That's what I'm saying. What a fun brother sister duo. Right? That's right. Just having fondue. Do you guys have, I know he doesn't have a sibling. Do you have a sibling care? I do. We've never fondue. Could you guys fondue? No, we would not fondue. My sister and I could fondue the hell out of a fondue. I love that. Fuck, nice. Love a fondue. I don't get it. We never fondue. Oh, she'd be so excited.

I actually wrote, when is the last time you had fondue? Yeah. In a while. Hmm. Heath, I bet you've had fondue the way you're recently. You know, sometimes when you're playing a board game, it's like the person who goes first is the one who less traveled to a FIFA or whatever. Yeah. I'm just like scrambling to put away fondue because I think you could see it. Some. Heath has fondue for breakfast. And it's getting a little too personal. Every morning. Getting too personal for Heath.

We don't want to know what he does with that fondue. No, I think, yeah, we did, me and Andy had some fondue, uh, nearers. And Heath, we don't want to hear it. We don't want to hear it. Thank you so much. You shut the fuck up. You're in your, you're in your fucking fondue. You and your fucking fondue every episode. We cut it most episodes. This episode we're keeping it in. It's private. Yeah, it's private. It's private. Maybe, maybe Karen does fondue in a very different way. Heath does.

How are you losing the joke on? I just said, I don't know. This is the thing. I mean, I know that Heath is dunking his balls in the season going to the hospital. I've been there to the hospital. He literally is. I've signed the book with the search history joke. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, and then who should show up? Intense woman with eyes and pearls. Charlie. Caroline, that's right. That was not described in Charlie. Charlie's the dog music guy. Yeah, nor will he be here at all.

That's true. So Caroline is there to introduce one more misunderstanding into the movie. And look, podcast listener, I know for the Jane Austen fans, you're like, but there's actually what happened in the book, but the book is long. And this movie is not. So the fact that we're having the 97th misunderstanding where nobody will ask a clarifying God damn question and end the movie. Truly upsetting. They also never like, there's this thing they do in movies.

Because this is even before the thing which we'll talk about, whatever misunderstanding. There's this thing people do in movies and TV shows all the time where like the guy and the girl are clearly having a good time. They're vibing somebody else shows up and they're like, no, I'll take you home. And they're like, I guess I should go home. And it's like, why are you more concerned with being polite to the shitty person than you are with like enjoying yourself with the guy? It's a great question.

So yeah, she feels guilted into letting pearl necklace. Ooh, no, let's not call her that. Charlotte. Charlotte. All right, next thing after fondue. Pearl necklace. No, right. Like what is happening? She's more concerned. So she, she allows Charlotte to drive her to her car. Right. And in doing so, Charlotte reveals to her that she's engaged to Darcy, which is a lot, which is a lie. Correct. Caroline though, not Charlotte. Fuck, you made me say Charlie too. I did. Caroline. It's my Jedi powers.

Intense eyes and pearls. Yeah. Caroline and tens eyes and pearls tells Elizabeth, protagonist, that she is engaged to that that Caroline is engaged to Darcy. I didn't get that they were like maybe engaged or maybe not here. Caroline and Darcy. So I thought she just like showed up from like a neighboring mountain cabin to like fucking borrow sugar and cause tension. I think she did. So I was so confused. She did just show up to cause tension. So she did come from a neighboring mountain cabin?

I don't know, but they're not maybe engaged. She's just weirdly into him. Oh, okay. Later I was like, oh, she was there because she's weirdly into him and was hanging out with him and sister. Right. That's that's a vibe you lie of of Pride and Prejudice, right? Yeah, 100%. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Like he's not into her, but she's into him. Love polygons. Fascinating. In the book, she's like who he's supposed to marry because she's rich and he's rich, but Oh, right. Because they were like social.

Yes. Exactly. They're like social. Yeah. That's it. So now we get another title card next to being married. A girl likes to be crossed in love a little now and then, which I actually really like is a quote from Pride and Prejudice, but it has nothing to do with this movie at this point. We're basically just sort of catching up on all the characters, right? Mary is dating Collins. So they're no longer obligated to be in the movie, but this is building to the giant.

This is building to the conclusion of the movie. So Pian sidekick girl, the one who electrocuted herself, she knows that Lydia is somewhere secret. Well, yeah, because she's Lydia's little sister. Yeah. Kitty, right. But they tickle torture her. Which I care. Again, you've taught us so much about women and the same. No, this is just the misogyny. Wait, let me. Please tell me that they just, you don't ever tickle your girlfriends. No, it's not a thing. Evermation? No, no pillow fights either.

Damn it. Not in your bras. Nothing turns out to be the reality I wanted to buy now. But yeah, Lydia is off to marry Jack Wickham and Vegas. And so now, wait, can we take a second with this? This is a big turn. Yeah. People are having a hard time following the names. We need to explain who these people are. Okay. Jack is Matt Gates. Yes. Jack is the love interest who was supposed to be the good guy. Off to post the game, yeah, I think. Secretly turned out to be the bad guy.

And Lydia is the bank's girl who's been awful, who's been trying to get with the other one, Charlie. Who has a poke? Who has a pug? Yeah. So she's like, whatever, if I can't steal Charlie from Argentinian Jane, I'll steal Jack from the protagonist. Yeah. You following? Yes. So now they're headed to Vegas. And now the movie is about them needing to drive to Vegas to stop them. This scene in the movie was the same thing as Carragis now. It was like, hold on, I have to do a scene to explain.

You're confused. It was dumb, loose ends in my movie, our movie is bad. Yes, yes, they've got to go stop the wedding. So we cut to Las Vegas. Wait, things happen on the way to Las Vegas. What happens? Well, they all ride in the VW Bug and doesn't it break down? It does. And also, we cut to Jack and Lydia on their way in a, what do you call it? A Jeep with no canvas? Have you guys ever done the drive to Vegas? It's really hot.

Cara, imagine you're talking to just wildly more rugged humans in your imagination than in real life. It's very, very hot. Me and Eli off-road in our Wrangler all the time. It does not make sense to not have air conditioning on the drive to Vegas. If he, then I walk into a restaurant that's not air conditioned, we fucking leave. We leave. It doesn't matter if there's a reservation. We're just like, oh, no, this place is hot. We're not going to hear. We're mean to the major D. That's true.

We flip it. It doesn't make sense. Nobody would have heard it. They don't deserve our presence. And then we knock over their rollups as we walk out. You know what's up. They don't. Also, the pug is there later. Where the fuck is the pug on the way to Vegas? It's true. I was angry about this. Sit in her purse. Union rules. They couldn't get them for the day. They didn't want to pay for the full day. They shot him all at once like Nick Nolte. So now we cut to Las Vegas. Thank you.

This is all very important. And what I loved about this is one, the climax of the film is rescuing a friend we barely met. But the other thing that's really funny is this is a Mormon movie. So they can't show anything in Vegas. So all the shots of Vegas are literally them just running the camera past the screen. They're just like, trust us. Vegas has lights because all the signs in Vegas are like, Uncle Fox, show sir. You're so right. Also, while they're on that trip, they call Darcy.

Darcy is also running to the rescue. Will he arrive at almost exactly the same time as them? Yes, but don't worry. It doesn't matter. Isn't he supposed to be closer? Yeah, he's supposed to be two hours closer, but they will arrive at the same time. Yeah, because he's on a business trip. Yes, but he's in a fast fancy car and they're in the VW. So he beats them exactly. Oh, okay. And he has a Nokia phone. Do you guys notice that? He does. It's like a snake during that business.

Battery of that phone. Still fine. Still 100% still ready to go for when this movie was made. So we get some more montages and now we're going to cut to the wacky Vegas chapel for some antics. Oh, but they left Charlie behind. They did. Yeah, they left Charlie behind the gas. He literally mattered so little to this movie. They were like, oh, I think if he's in this scene, it's confusing because all our white men are identical. Are you sure? Our leader, Caroline or Caroline?

Yeah, it doesn't matter. If Charlie puts on a pearl necklace, this movie will suck into itself in some form of inception. So we're going to leave him in a gas station. They make him run to the wedding. He apparently runs. He gets there. He runs to Vegas as fast as Darcy, who is two hours closer, drives, which is the same speed as it takes them to go from I assume Salt Lake City, Utah. Yeah, yeah, but this is the wacky minister. He's supposed to be doing a Scottish. Oh, I love him.

He might be my favorite character in the movie. Interesting. He's in a permanent fight with his mother. Yes. And he's about to marry them, but just as he does, Darcy tackles him. Or at least we're supposed to assume he has a tackle because the actors were not up to the fight choreography of a tackle. So they gently use red eyeliner on his nose and lips and then we sew them post-tackle. Yeah, we see Jack bite his arm at one point, which is an interesting choice.

I also think it's interesting that the pastor, the usher, whatever he is. He looks at Jack and he goes, I recognize you, you've been here before, but that's okay. And then the wife or engage whatever, what's her name? Lydia? She just shrugs. Yeah, she's like, yeah. I don't need to ask any clerks. No follow ups. I mean, she's in this movie where clarifying questions are forbidden. So I understand that. So after the fight, Jack is being arrested for bigamae.

Apparently that's something that like beat cops too. In Utah, yeah. Oh, they're in Vegas, but second biggest Mormon. Yeah, exactly. And now Darcy, I just wrote my notes, Darcy has the most makeupy blood on him possible. He might as well be eyeliner. It's like a Jackson Pollock blood spatter, yeah. Yeah. And then this is where they also, this is where Elizabeth is going to clarify that there's been a miscommunication, right? No, she's going to un-clarify. Yeah, she's going to un-clarify.

Right, because he says, he's like, I want to talk to you and she says, I already know. And then they just look at each other and walk away. Right, because if they said another sentence, the movie would be over. I think you're talking past each other. Therefore, this is the movie is bad. Yes. Has that ever happened to you in the history of things that have happened to you? No, no. We need to ask one more question. I already know. Let's be sure we're talking about the same thing here.

Look, we might not ride an open Range Rover, but I'll tell you the two things that he then write Nila Bosnick do do and it's overcommunication. Once in a while, Eli starts talking and I do the shh. And I put the one finger over his lips. But that's exactly the wrong one. No, but actually say what you're talking about. That's true. But to be fair, mostly when we talk, we aren't talking about a relationship. We're just talking about my terrible ideas for our company. Neither here nor there.

Exactly. You have to listen to all the podcasts to get that podcast, listener. So he realizes there's been a miscommunication and he's going to run after her. But if he's going to do that, he's going to need Charlie to use his dog music, which we teased earlier in the movie, doesn't work on Dobermans. Oh, yeah. Oh, really? It makes Dobermans in particular not come, but instead extra vicious. Oh, it has the opposite effect on Dobermans. Because it's Wagner. And they don't like Wagner.

The Doberman. Apparently, my dog also did not react to this music at all. Not a Doberman. Something they could have tested. Yeah. So yeah, the dogs attack the cops, which gives him enough to go away. So we get, and I will say this, I think this is cinema's first run after the girl, wildhand cuffed. Yeah. Darcy is literally, why is Darcy hand cuffed by the way? Because he beat up the gun to the fight. Jack. So Jack is under arrest for bigamy and gambling, they said, for bigamy and gambling.

And Darcy is under arrest for assault. For assault. Yeah. Yeah. And I also, it's super funny to point out that like, you now realize watching the scene, why they've never had a cuffed scene, why they always break out of their cuffs, because it looks so silly. He looks like he's advertising a used car salesman. It's bad. The arms just flying a Kimbo behind him. So he's running after them. They're in the car already trying to leave.

Yes. And he's, by the way, he thinks, she thinks that he knows, that she knows that he's engaged to creepy eyes pearls. Yes. And then he realizes. He realizes because somebody tells him whatever. Oh, you guys are engaged, congrats. And he's like, we're not engaged with the fuck, so then he runs after them. I just have to point out this entire driving scene where they're driving home.

They have Lydia, who has just discovered the man who proposed to her is a serial bigamist with a plan to bankrupt her. And no one is doing anything to comfort her. They are sitting in complete silence. Because they did their duty. She's awful. They rescued her. She should be grateful. Exactly. The pug is providing all the emotional care you should deserves. But again, distance doesn't matter in this movie. So Darcy manages to step in front of their car.

Yeah. He ran a shortcut through Vegas and got in front of them. I actually kind of love this seed because he gets in front of the car and she stops just in time to not hit them. And then she's sort of like taps and does hit him like me and a baby carriage. Exactly right. So yeah, she knocks him over with the car, but then they make up and it's all solved with a Mormon smooch. And you know they're going to end up together because they actually do kiss.

They make out on the street with blood all over his face. I mean, it's Vegas. So not the weirdest thing anyone is saying. Yeah. Yeah, that's fair. Among the more pleasant scenes in Las Vegas that night. So now we get the breakfast club closed. Not of our podcast, but of this movie. Lydia, who we remember had the pug and was abandoned at the altar by the bigumus who wanted to steal her money. She wrote a new book about doing things for yourself instead of men. Yeah, and she did not marry.

She literally said, Lydia did not marry. Instead she wrote a book because those things are mutually exclusive. Karen, can I say you wrote a book? Can't marry. You know, you can't marry. You are legally not allowed to get married. The book stands up and goes, I'm jacked if she tries. It's no, it's all thanks. Lydia ended up being the main character according to Jane Austen. We're right. The younger sister slash sidekick becomes a cheerleader.

Collins and Mary got married and went on the trip together. Charlie. So the the pearls girl married an old guy. Okay, a line. Yeah, it's called Charlie. It's supposed to be like a singer moment, but it's actually really horrifying. Yeah, it's gross. He lived way longer than she hoped. And she had to fuck him thrice. And we're just like, Oh, this is kind of upsetting. But he was a billionaire. Yeah, exactly. Charlie and Spanish girl ended up okay. Fucking jack is scaped from prison.

That was weird. Yeah. Yeah. And he ran away to Brazil. And now he does daytime TV is what they say. And I was like, this feels so specific. Very specific. That's somebody in the life of the writer. We're sure. Pulled straight from the novel. Yeah. Yeah. So then, Oh, by the way, and of course, Elizabeth's finish is that she's writing a book of this movie. And I wrote my notes. I hate it. I hate it so much. They're in London now. Like I guess she never left.

I think they're at the Jane Austenhouse. Yeah. And like it's the weirdest turn because this movie doesn't understand chronology. Because at the end of all of that, she's like, now I just need to introduce Darcy to my parents. And I'm like, wait, what that other girl already had five kids? Yeah. What happened? What are you? You laid out 18 years of time. You guys have been dating for 18 years? Why are you the same age? She was a TA for 18 years. And then did I miss Darcy showed up?

Parents still have a most dark. Unnackromancer. More. And that's the end of the movie. Yep. And I haven't read it, but I presume very similar to the end of the book. So before we close it out, what piece of classic literature should they make it do a more movie next? Dante's Inferno. Ooh. Okay. Just trellis and crescentus spinning around and around a caffeinated beverage. You guys, it would get real weird. It would get real weird. Dante's Inferno gets real weird. I know. Now add Mormons.

Support. All right. Well, that's going to wrap it up for Pride and Prejudice, a Latter-day comedy. But that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we found another terrible movie, Eli. What's Undeck? Well, Heath, we'll be wrapping up Mormon movie month. Oh, I know. We have a treat that we missed in theaters, but could not wait to tackle.

400 AD, in a forgotten time of ancient America, a lone hebraic fugitive must preserve the history of his fall in nation while being hunted by a ruthless tyrant. But rescuing the King's abused mistress could awaken a warrior's past. We'll be watching the Oath live in Salt Lake City. Ooh. That's Mormon. Oh, yeah. It's the Alma story. Nephi story. And what a shit. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, no, they were doing stuff in 400 AD and then just like, you know, fast forward, fast forward.

Uh, state New York. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 467 to a merciful close. Huge thanks. As always to Cara for joining us. Mm-hmm. Of course, I'll make thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com, slash God awful. And that'll get your early access to an ad free version of every episode.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Skating Atheist, citation needed, the Skeptocrat and D&D Minus available in all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments or cinematics, suggestions, you can email God awful movies at gmail.com or theme songs written performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars, all other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Karen Eliam Heath, promise to work hard turn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the animal ass clothes. Nine tenths of the characters in this film went on to join an ex-mo support group. Ha-ha. Fake Scottish priest in Vegas, and his wife, the actors, went on to write Napoleon Dynamite in real life. I see, I told you. Yeah. There was something funny about him. Yeah, that actor. Like he was vibing.

And his wife, co-wrote Napoleon Dynamite. Like a couple years later. He had Napoleon Dynamite vibes. Enca? Love it. All of these characters had clumsy, painful sex for the rest of their lives. Oof. One, two, three, four, five. Five. Sorry. I forgot to say four. No, it's two and a ten or so good. One more time. One more time. That's how you know you've truly joined the cast is when you forget the five cast. That's just right. That's important. That's just to really rock him to his core.

Is this the riveting premium content that you offer your patrons? Sure is now. I'm sure they're thrilled. All right, here we go with Inbold and Underlined. Interest in the one. I agree. I could seriously live on Sharkootary board. Like that. Same. Just all the time. It has all the food groups. Yeah, it's all them. Heckles, delicious. I love it. Cole and Cancer Included. Cole and Cancer Included. I call them Cornishons. Cornishons, yes. That was the word I was trying to say.

Wow. God, are you so fucking embarrassed right now? I'm so mad. That I didn't say it right. Look like an idiot. Cry face down. I'm back in a second while Anne rubs his back. I'm sure she knew that you knew the word Cornishons. No. No. Sir, customers. They have the jar with the thing that pulls him up. I know that. Oh, yeah, that's the fancy jar. I like that jar. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thundershram LLC, copyright 2024, all rights reserved.