Colors of spreadsheets... Please cut the camera after me. Get the plums through. There's like half a, with the half a loud hawk sound and some amazing. Not awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Welcome back to God off of movies. For each week, we watch another terrible movie so you don't have to. I'm your host, Tithen, right? And I'm joined by the Eli Bosnick. Eli, how's it going? I'm fantastic. Keep right family, baby. Right? We got the right family. We got very happy about it.
We also have veteran mascastic and fellow fan of the sitcom Cheers. Cheers. Cheers, Cecil. Welcome back. Cheers to you. Hey, cheers to you, Heath. I Eli. Hello, Cecil. It's so tempting to just go for, I don't know, as long as before Eli goes insane, we just keep talking about cheers together. I'm not the one who goes insane. Also, this movie is 14 seconds long. The longer a sound file we get, they got $68 out of this one. Eli, 68 minutes. Yeah. 68 minutes. The longest 68 minutes of height.
It's a tight 60. I keep meaning to look up like what the pay scale for Amazon is because it must be like 67 minutes and we give you $30 instead of 25. I liked it my area on prime video won't even play this movie. They were like, no, Ann Arbor vand the shit or something. So I watched it on 2B for free. I weirdly watched it twice. Once on my TV on Amazon, once on my computer Amazon, and then I went back to go play it again and they wouldn't let me. They were like, no, no, no, no, Ann Arbor.
We actually, we actually don't let anybody play this more than twice. I'm sorry. To be fair, we were the first three views ever for this movie. We put in their safety center, probably woke up and they were like, ah, fuck guys, the right sublitter again. Take it down. Take it down. Okay. Well, not that it matters, but we haven't introduced which right family movie. This is us, too. This is us, too. Which right family movie are we going to be breaking down today?
So we watched Bigfoot, grip of the monster. It's the story of a family of shaved big feats trying to make it in the big city of hemlock falls main. It is though. That is what it's about. It's got a sitcom vibe, too, right? A little bit. Yeah. Really does. Yeah. But I don't think they did it on purpose. I think they stumbled backwards into a sitcom. They stumble into a farce plot and they almost get there. They do almost get there.
If you took out some of the Skyrim music and it replaced it with that sort of whimsical 80s sitcom music, it would 100% fit. That's all it takes. Honestly, I sure did most of the, yeah, if they just did like a jumpy freeze frame once in a while, they stand back. Right. They like to do. They have the footage of those actors falling down like I tagline. Bigfoot classic. The big feats. All right. Eli, how bad? How bad was this movie?
Well, if you've ever enjoyed a silent uncomfortable subway ride with a very obvious crazy person who unleashes their entire mental illness as you stand up to leave, you will love this movie. Yeah. That's pretty much it. It's a slow burn, but it's a burn. It's a slow 68 minutes of burning. Yeah. And is there anything you'd like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Right. I'm going to go with prop books.
Yeah. Genuinely, these people have never actually looked at what a real book looks like in the real world. So that we'll talk about each one of these prop books as they come up. But the prop books in this are genuinely terrible and laughable. I think the thing they know is rectangle. And that's the word they have for the commonality various thickness rectangles. Yes. If I saw any of these prop books in a middle school musical, I would begin to boo.
I would begin to boo until I was escorted out by the gym teacher. If you found one of these on the subway, you would report it and say it's an IED. You're like, no, this is definitely like the world's worst. I'm surprised. Yeah. Are you allowed to boo at middle school performances? By the way, I'm going to one later. Can I boo? Yes. They have to let you. It's like being a cop. It's free speech on campus. You're allowed to. Okay. I listened to Trump give a speech about free speech today.
I get it. Okay. So I was going to go with best best hiding. Oh my God. I think I have to leave it until we get to it. Yes. There's one character that hides behind tree. I could not stop laughing. There's no way it's not comedy. There's no possible way that's supposed to be taken to. Self-aware. You can't. I took a screenshot. We'll get into it when we get to that one. It's so good. And I'm going to go a little left field here. I'm going to say best worst.
Are we going to be able to make a podcast? So podcast listener, if you've been listening to our show for a while, you know that when no illusions is gone, we get a loose little Lucy here. I might even say we get downright Lucy Goosey. But as I was watching this movie, this movie is 68 minutes long. I was 35 minutes in and the only thing that had happened was a man walks through the woods.
And I was just like in my head, composing the apology message on Facebook to know I'll be in like, you know, you'll say we need to improve our work life balance. So what if this week we just didn't make a podcast or it was like 10 minutes? How about that? A little mini-sode. I hear those are. I got to be honest though, the inability to walk very well was pretty funny. And that could have been that that's going to occupy you. Yeah, that's the thing. A little bit of time.
I went back through the notes to be like, well, okay, I guess I got to cut all the scenes where he's just walking. But every scene where he's walking, he like him, pales himself on a branch. Sure. Fails to put a pen back in his pocket for six and his pants fall down. Yeah, that's amazing. Or at the very least he like has to put his hand down as he's going back up the hill, like in office space, like he has to like, it's so good. He's so stumbling. All right. All right.
I think it's time for a quick break for us. And then we back to tell you all about Bigfoot grip of the monster. What about under the cups? Nope. Check the napkin drawer. Ooh, the napkin drawer. Good one. Hey guys, what you doing? Oh, hey Cecil. He the night we're just checking if we left any money around here. Why would you do that? Well, after we switched to Mint Mobile and realized how much money we left on the table, couldn't hurt to check, right? Wait, what's Mint Mobile?
Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with premium wireless plans starting at $15 a month. All plans come with high speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Yeah, okay. But I don't want to switch my phone. Oh, no worries, Cecil. You can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all your existing contacts.
Ditch overpriced wireless with Mint Mobile's limited time deal and get three months of premium wireless service for just $15 a month. All right, fellas. I'm sold. Where do I sign up? To get this new customer offer and your new three month unlimited wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash Gam. That's mintmobile.com slash GAM. $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only, speed slow above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan.
Additional taxes fees and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. Nice. Thanks. By the way, you've got a big wad of hundreds taped to your back. Taped to my back. I knew it was somewhere. Thanks. Looks sweaty. Probably is. Yeah. So my back. Oh, no big foot. Don't grab me with your big A-plike hands. Mom, Dad, I had a nightmare. Oh, hello, honey. Hey, kid. Hey, kiddo. What's up? What are you doing? What are you guys doing? What are we doing? Uh, we are making another movie.
Another movie. Is this one about big foot? That is how we are dressed now. So yes, yes. Obviously. Wow, do me and my sisters get to be in it. Oh, you sure do, honey. Oh, I'll go wake him up right now. Nope. No, no. You guys aren't in this scene. You all shoot tomorrow. So don't wake them up. Oh, OK. I'll see you tomorrow. So we're making another big foot movie, I guess. Yup. OK. And we're back. And we're going to start with trees for a while. For half the movie here.
As I mentioned, pretty much most of the movie. We do get a two twin engines global to start out. And I think global is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that sense. Yeah, sure is. Oh, yeah. That's their production company. And then it says, like, right, family film. Is there something? And I was like, fuck. Yeah. I didn't know it was a right family film at first. Oh, yeah, baby. And I was like, all right, Bible badge big put. Oh, this is a sequel, isn't it? No, it's not really not.
It has the word big foot in it, though. And it's them. So I was very happy. All right. Gentlemen, look, we've now watched this movie. Some of us more than once. What is this opening scene? It's trees. I told you. Okay. It's like 45 minutes of trees, man. It's artistic. David Owen Wright is like, he's a craft beer guy. And he's like, I'm doing art by showing like trees at angles. So it's a Kojana Scotty situation. Yeah. Exactly. I get that right. Yeah. But we get some snuggle buddies.
They're listening to a song about how Bigfoot loves beer while being stalked by big putt. Now, let me break this suspense for your podcast, listener. There will be zero moments in this entire film where someone is being stalked by Bigfoot and then Bigfoot appears. So as far as I know, he's being stalked by the cameraman for this movie. Okay. Sneaking around. Yeah. I'm into himself. Yeah. The song is I think Bigfoot likes beer or something like that. That's close to the title.
Bigfoot likes all types of beer. We learn all the different brands, all the different types. We see some of David Owen Wright's like favorite craft beers from Maine that he has. And he I could like hear him never shutting up. I could just I could feel myself being cornered at a party and he's like, it's actually the first craft brewery in all of New England. Like the it's the third in the country. They give out licenses. I'm not an IPA guy. You know, a lot of federal license.
They're number three in the federal license. Back with Tavius the brew beer. He was like, guy. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Cecil, if you don't think all alternate universes accept this one, Tom and David Owen Wright are the same person. You don't know Tom very well. Seriously, but every movie they make feels like I'm being cornered. So I guess this all tracks. But that's the song. And I was like, okay, these two guys are getting stocked by Bigfoot.
Who's going to like pop out and be like, that song's actually very a big stereotype thing. Very offensive. Like every brand. First of all, that's crazy. I'm a white clulk eye actually. I actually am a big IPA guy. I heard some things that earlier. Throwback Zima day. They like they they became like chic and then everybody was like backlash. Now they're bad, but no, they're great. They're happy. They're great. They're good. It's a different type of thing. It's a different kind of thing.
Actually like a triple hazy. Yeah. After we listen to this song for a while, a man in a gorilla suit pops out and I just have to say at the outset, because this will be the suit throughout the movie. This man in a gorilla suit Bigfoot is an insult to man in gorilla suits. It really is something. This is not the most expensive Bigfoot costume that Halloween adventure had to offer. It really is. But one thing I will say is that there's multiple Bigfoot suits in this movie.
It's not just one suit, although they do overuse one particular suit, but there are actually several scenes in this movie. There's multiple Bigfoot suits. So I mean, they actually sprung for three spear Halloween Bigpoiler man. There's wow. There's this big multiple big feet. Yeah. Now it's spoiled. Oh, I'm sorry. I know. I mean, the whole audience right now just rage quitting the podcast. I mean, the podcast so fucking mad at me because I talked about the big feet.
I already said big Vators is dad. Harvey Weinstein's a rapist. Trust me, that ruined a lot. I'm gonna go Rosebud is the sled, but okay. All right. Mine ruined way more movies. Can I say? I just ruined way more movies than you could have seen. I'll just throw that out there. It's like all of mirror max, right? Uh-huh. It's a lot of them. So then we cut over to some news footage that the two campers we just saw saw Bigfoot and this is where we check in on the sheriff.
Okay. David Owen Wright, I think that's his name in real life, right? Yeah. He's playing the voice of the sheriff. He plays many parts. He plays many parts. He was also, I think, both campers and we never see their faces because he has a big foot. He can't have his face shown most of the time. He plays the sheriff and he is obliterated in real life drunk, trying to be the sheriff, right?
The only way I can describe it is you ever scroll through TikTok and you see an old clip of cops where a guy is just like, I'm not gonna take a breath of my own test. That guy would turn to David Owen Wright and be like, give me a keys man. I can break these cuffs. That's exactly it. He's broke these cuffs. And by the way, if you get break these cuffs as a reference, we are best friends. Yeah. If you're sure to get home and wondering yourself, I wonder if me and Eli would get along.
If you get break these cuffs, we are already best friends. We just haven't met yet. And if you don't get it, if you don't get it, you probably shouldn't look it up because they say, think about the clip. It probably doesn't hold up super one. More problematic it is. You don't know. Like, feel Max. Yeah. It's best left in the past. Anyways, then we see him looking at a bunch of fake newspaper articles and this was almost my best worst. Yeah. These were amazing, right?
Because every fake newspaper article is on an 8 by 11 sheet of paper. There's not even, so we've got to, not even an attempted newspaper shape here. So we're just supposed to be like getting an exposite dump here and they decided to pan across a crazy person who he's like studying big feet and he's a conspiracy theorist.
So he's like, all right, I'm going to print out 8 and a half by 11 pieces of newspapers and spread them out on my coffee table with the headline part showing convenient and fan the math slightly. So they all show, I wrote down just a handful of the headlines. Give a little sampling. Yeah, I got a sampling. Okay. I'd love to hear them. I'd love to hear them. So one of them says, Trinity River Town turns from lumber to big foot. So the economy has transformed. Okay. I thought into a big foot base.
Like a lumber factory town and then I was like, I think we should get into the big foot sector. And that's very fun. You know, it's confusing. Trinity River is doing that. To be fair, I've been into the Pacific Northwest and you could make worse economic choice. The tourism sector of that town, which actually they will try to do in this movie. Okay. So one said, big foot seen striding fourth at Nevada test site.
So like area 50 like like an SAT or oh, oh, you're talking like a like a nuclear test site. It's not clear. Maybe. Okay. Maybe it's just an exam. All right. Yeah. I want to see a mushroom cloud. Yeah. If you can narrow it down to three, you should just guess anyway because it's better. I wrote big foot at the top. That's like 400 points. In the third parking spot. Most colleges already been taking these. No, you know what they are back to taking them actually.
They're back to some of them going back. Yeah, that was like dirty. Go. Yep. All right. Good. Do you know how hard it is to get into the top colleges now? It's crazy. You like to get in early now. That's like two thirds of their admissions. It's crazy. It's not to commit to it. Whether you get a good financial package, it makes no sense. It's hard to get a good educational. Got this. Footage. Well, that was quite good. Well, that joke like a car crash. You know right before a car. Cheers.
He like cheers. Look, part of the line, you're getting around it. Cheers. Just see I just want you to know that was genuine. He can't fake. He wasn't faking it. Uh huh. It was a real cheers. Okay. I'm going to I'm going to name a couple of the more headlines. Sure. Yeah. Good wordplay. Just hop right in. I know. I got a good jam. Uh, no, it's already behind me with a gun shooting me in the back of the head for this podcast anyway. So what did the headlines just says?
Nine foot Harry man from UFO. Oh, question. So there's a theory. It might be alien. Uh huh. Saskwatches. Okay. All right. You got one more here. This is my favorite fake cat line. Okay. It just says and in the Everglades, the skunk ape, the skunk ape. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? I think there's a possibility we covered something like that on a citation needed when we did crypto. Well, maybe I got to remember skunk ape. Oh, that's one of their cryptids in like Florida.
Yeah. It's like a crates, but it's not a I don't think it's a big foot. I think it's a little different. It's just a Florida man. Guys got it's got much, much more manageable feet. They're like a little smaller. They can buy it a regular store. They don't have to go to one of the stores. They don't have to go to one of those big and tall stores for their shoes. Yeah. Also, a headline out of Columbus, Ohio about a volcano and a big foot family.
And I was like, I don't think the hell was in Columbus. And then one other one, that's a big foot. Yeah. No, well, fair. Last one. Orville man reports female giant in the yard. Oh, yes. I like that one. Oh, so I'm going. I'm moving to Orville right now. So he sexed it. He like figured out the sex of the giant possibly. Show me your chance. That's clutch in the back. Yeah, because I was going to say folks out from behind the tree. What are your pronouns? Yeah. It's for the newspaper.
So now we're going to flash cut to 20 years earlier. Now I'm going to sort of lay down a lock here. The right family have discovered that white thing that you do for a flashback. Yeah. In this movie, it will not always mean flashbacks. Sometimes it will mean the scene is over. They have no idea. The movies lost like nine layers deep into their swooshing. They have no idea when what is, I don't think. I was hoping they were going to keep doing different fade ins and outs.
So eventually there would be like a paper clip that like drags the scene back in. I was hoping for the bit. Yeah. They just kept doing this white one over and over. It's like, no, it's just. Or the star white right? Yeah. Star white exactly, right? Like it just pulled up. G.I. Joe pulls down the top of the screen. Yeah. There's lots of you can't do this. Many swooshes and doodly do's. Knowing is half the battle. Yes. Exactly.
But in this flashback, he's walking around woods some more and then he wakes up. So did he dream that it was 20 years ago or was he dreaming? 20 years ago. Yes. Yeah. It's one of those. The movie doesn't know. But again, it's the same guy. This is going to be Max, right? Max Leet. Max Lou. Max Lee. Max Lee. Yeah. Who will be the protagonist? Yeah. Like Robert E. Right. Exactly. I just said big foot signing on it and I love this so much.
I know I know it seems like a little moment, but now we're going to get some more like establishing shots of woods and stuff and there's this fucking great moment because we see some like big foot signs and some like some big foot, you know, attraction. And then there's just a hairy cow because you can tell he was like, oh, that's pretty hit. Nope. That's not big. I'm going to get the audience. I'm going to slide this picture of cow in there is little hair today. They won't notice.
Okay, but the disdain behind the cow's eyes as this camera does past it is the best. The cow hates the movie so hard. The cow actually tries to get out of the shot. Like it's not spacking up. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, fuck. Cow holds a middle finger up in front of its face. You can't put me on TV if I'm doing it. So now it's time for Max to visit the sheriff's office, which is very clearly Ashley Wright's kitchen, so fucking good.
This is my favorite part. Okay, but before he even gets in there, it's the establishing shots, it took four cuts to get this guy from a parking lot into a door into a room. Literally four cuts. He fucked up, get out of car and they had to be like, cut. Okay, now you're walking between your car and the front door and he fucked up and they're like, cut. Okay. I'm in the door and he has so much trouble with doors in this movie. It's amazing.
I think the actor who plays Max Lee woke up from a coma and Ashley Wright was in his room and was like, hey, do you want to be in a movie? And he was like, I haven't used my legs for 10 years. And she was like, that's not a problem. You're just making it from the car to the door and then you'll be in a scene with my husband. Okay. Cecil, I've noticed throughout your notes, you're like, this is, this is self-aware. This is that dire.
Yeah. Yeah. This was the first time I had a hint of that where like this guy couldn't walk or open, like he heard himself trying to just swing a door open. No shot. The rights? No shot. This is self-aware. Yeah. I still don't think so, but I'm curious, Cecil, like you want to keep score along the way. I will. I'll keep scrythe. I feel like this is a point in the self-aware column.
There's many points throughout the movie and I think I will, I think when I finally rest my case at the end, you will all agree with me. Okay. And tell us in square debate at the end. Okay. You can speak some time. Starting on their idiots and they think they killed it with every one of these movies. It's okay to watch a lot of their movies. It's okay to believe that, but I think I think after the last one, I feel like this movie is self-aware. We'll get there.
Okay. You turned me on Neil Brin, for sure. Yeah. Absolutely. Neil Brin, a hundred percent. Because we did it like a similar scoreboard with one of his movies and I was like, this he's a genius. But he's not. He's not. He's not self-aware. Like that's a fucking genius. How many people wrote in to be like Neil Brin is not self-aware. And all those people were wrong. That's cool. They could be wrong. Yeah. They're part of the conspiracy.
But anyways, yeah, he comes in and he sits in one of the sheriffs. Okay. No, no, no, no, no, we got it. We got to establish the room here. Okay. Go ahead. So they come in. And like Eli says, this is clearly a kitchen that they've cleared everything out and they're shooting away from the kitchen cabinet. So you can't see the kitchen cabinet, which is against one of the walls. Yeah. What they have is just this big corridor room.
And there's a desk and his crocheted American flag is on the wall behind it. Sorry. I couldn't hear your description of the room over the American flag. I heard you say it out there because it's left. I had both fingers crossed, hoping for a racist number of stars, but I counted them and there's 50. I was like, damn it. I wanted it to be like a racist number, but it wasn't. No, it's a thing.
And so, but that when they come in, they have in front of the, in front of the desk where the sheriff sits are two giant fucking rocking chairs. You would see it like cracker barrel. They're like, yeah, cracker barrel rocking chairs. And then along the wall are two other bar stools. They're like, you know, what you would bring up to like a kitchen counter. And then along the other wall, there's a bench. And I'm thinking, what happens in this room? Is it like a jug band practice space?
What is going on? But there's so many chairs in this one little room, but you cannot get anything better than rocking chair interrogation. Yep, in front of you. There's nothing better. Okay. It feels like they really own these rocking chairs in real life. And like David Owen Wright just can't help but rock way too fucking hard. And like several several dozen rocking chairs just burst into flame at some point every time. And now they had to make these huge ones.
They're the equivalent of like, you know, you get like a normal cell phone case and then there's like, otter box for like 800 dollars. It's like that for rocking chairs. Yeah. He got the otter rocking chair. Yeah. He wanted a flash cut of some woman who's kid drowned giving her statement in one of the chairs just like, I came into his room one second. Weee. And then I came into his room. Oh, you can't take anybody seriously in a rocking chair. That's just yeah.
Okay. This is a pretty, this is a solid point for satire that the rocking chair has been left not satire. I think are a solid point. I think you're right. That's one point. Well, here's another amazing point for satire, but it's not satire. It is satire. It is. I know what you're going to say and it is talking. It is. And the sheriff answers the phone before it rings. It's the best. You know, you know why this is satire?
Because if you've edited any kind of sound effect into anything ever, it is the easiest thing in the world. Not for David Owen. I just did. It is so easy to move to nudge a sound effect. Yeah. One place or another universe. You can just put that. It's so fucking didn't happen in real life. That's phone didn't ring in real life. So there's no way that you watch this in the edit and be like, that's cool. Now, that's fine. The phone's literally up to his ear and it's still right.
The best is also max. The guy playing max is right there and he has to like play along with this cue for the phone call that he knows is coming. They die the badly. So the sheriff guy is like, oh, big foot, exciting. You're not from around here. Are you? We don't really deal with those around here. And he has to be like, no, sir, I'm not. I, I, you know, a phone call. I, there's a dash. I dash. I am dash. There it is. There it is. Oh, God. It's the thing that's up to your ear.
So that phone call means that the sheriff has to leave the room, which means now max is going to have a snoop around his office. Now this is an important to the movie except it's important to me spiritually because we get to watch max tremendously fail to make his way around a chair. It's so fun. Okay. The only thing I just describe it to, okay, if you're trying to sneak around and you have to step out of one of those giant rocking chairs, it's then like, yeah, the whole time.
The only way I can communicate to you is I want you to imagine that he is trying to squench his way down like a theater aisle, pass an aisle full of naked women who know his ball. And the theater is run by Ryan air somehow. Yes. That is how he tries to get around this rocking chair with no one in the room. Yeah. Right? He's just like he has to move past this chair and he does like to excuse me. Excuse me.
Is it, is it weird if it's butt to butt or is it better if it's butt to face or face to face or butt to butt? It's so funny. How would it become butt to butt? I would have to turn then. You don't want to. You don't want to get off your gonna turn butt. Turn right of the chair. Okay. It's for the social contract. I'm naked.
There's like four feet between him and the wall and he bumps the chair that he's walking by and it spins like three spins and whams into him and then he has to fight it like a fucking, you know, one of those clowns. Another point for self-aware. Yeah. The ones that pop back up that you get when you hit. Exactly. One of those one was a kid. It's like my favorite toy. It's a three no. It was Batman. I would get punched in the face by Batman.
Oh, God. I would get hit by Batman so hard and so often that my parents took it away. My parents were like, no, you keep losing a fight to physics. So this for me was Huckleberry Hound. Do people remember Huckleberry Hound? Woo. Huckleberry Hound. I do Cecil Cheers. Cheers. Yeah. I feel like that's the wrong generation, but that was the poor person. That's right. It was like your mom went to the Goodwill and she was like, ooh, a Huckleberry Hound. Did you were like, who's that?
She was like, don't talk back. And you were like, huh? And then she beat me. Yeah, no. Exactly. Yeah. So Sheriff comes back in and he's like, all right, I'm done doing that thing I was doing in the other room. Why don't you leave me your number and I'll let you know a big foot drop. It's by. And this is the best part of this entire scene. So he's sitting like, you know, you can't sit. There's only really two ways to sit in a rocking chair. The first way is like you guys said, like the wee.
Like you sit with your back and then you kind of shake back and forth, right? The other way is to precariously sort of purchase yourself and lean forward really far. So it doesn't do that, right? And this is how he's sitting. He's sitting because he's like a rocking chair is ridiculous. Why am I sitting in a rocking chair? He's crazy. And he's leaning forward really far. But then he can't actually get the line off because I think he's crunching his diaphragm.
So he has to, he has to stand up at that point. He delivers his line like Robin Williams, a dead poet's aside and then he has to sit back down. Yep. He's done and it's the best. Like again, I'm going to put another one down here for self aware. I'm doing one right here. No, that was a major genius. Because he starts his line and then he's like, I would like to rise to say the West's rest of my sentence about Bigfoot. It was a race the rest of the question. Do you know about it?
And then the sheriff's like captain, my captain. Yeah, it's amazing. And then right before Max leaves, he's like, hey, Max Lee, do I know that name? And Max is like, nope, goodbye. I'm leaving forever. So now the sheriff is going to have a flashback. Max Lee has check-offs gun in this, by the way. Yeah, that is, yeah, that's check-offs last name. So now the sheriff is going to have his own flashback. And okay, here's what we need to talk about.
And here's what we really, we really need to dig in on his how did the man who plays the first sheriff end up in this movie? Oh, see, I thought this was a Marvel cinematic universe movie because he looks like Stan Lee. Yeah, like Stan Lee. I actually thought for a second until he started talking. I was like, yeah, that is no fucking way. Yeah, that he sounded like a fucking jug band when he spoke.
If Stan Lee had written bad checks for meth instead of comic books, yeah, this is what Stan Lee would look. He literally, so this is a flashback to the sheriff telling the old sheriff. He's not the sheriff of that time. And he tells him, hey, my kids live in these woods. You need to stop hunting in them. And this guy is like, I'm out of there. I don't go on. That kind of Southern where you're like, oh, so the species kind of took a step back, huh? Like we're not. We're not holding up.
I gotta get my, I gotta get my juice harp to English dictionary. And he's like, well, if you do that, something bad will happen. He's like, I don't care. And I wrote my notes. Look, I'd say that's a silly argument, but I'm from upstate New York and I'm all too aware of how big a fight don't shoot guns with the decision making skills of someone who hunts for fun on my property is. So you know, I can empathize.
I have no idea, Eli, how this guy got in the movie, but he is 100% loving every second of the movie in this movie. I'm in the movie. I assume that what he actually, I couldn't hear a word. He said, I assume what he said in Cajun was, I mean, the movie. I like being in the movie, can I watch this one on BHS? Oh, man. I got one from the library. Yeah. And then Bigfoot hits the old sheriff guy, the guy who we can't hold on though, all the guns in this movie, we start in this scene.
And for the rest of the movie, every single gun is not a hunting weapon. And they keep on masking them as hunting weapons. They're all tactical weapons, right? 100%. So this is all what David Owen Wright has in his house. He has like, you know, this is in, you know, his fridge or whatever. He normally keeps it there. And it's a sawdust. It's a very, very, it's not sawdust, but it's a very short, barrel shotgun without an actual stock. It just has the pistol grip on it. So it's littered.
You would never, you would walk past this gun so far for hunting. There's no reason you would ever use it. The only reason you use it is because you want to jerk off to the fantasy assuding a burglar. That's the only reason you'd ever have it. This big foot is on the other side of a thin wall. This is not going to be useful in hunting. And let's big foot is delivering you keys of cocaine that you are going to heist from him. You don't need.
Yeah. Unless big foot needs to say hello to your little friend. Big foot hits him in the head with a branch. And so, okay, you're doing another spoiler. The current sheriff hits the form sheriff in the head with a brain. I did not spoil that. I did not spoil that. It's big foot. It's not the current sheriff. It's the, it's big foot. Well, we think we're not sure what happens. They're just like sure we just see big foot hit him with a branch.
Yeah. Well, you see something fall and then you see a hat on the ground and then you see the gun on the ground and then you see a branch on the ground. I don't know. Maybe the tree fell. Who even knows? Well, and then the flashback ends and the current sheriff is like, and that's how I got my watch. I said to myself, this one here, I'm holding it. Yeah. So, we've just was the watch because that's when he's snooping. He finds a watch which, right.
So, this is the movie tying that together and us watching this being like, okay, I wonder how this mystery is going to go. But that's the backstory. That's a pretty much the backstory. Yeah. So, we get a little walking in the woods. Is it like Excalibur and you become sheriff if you get their watch? Yes. Is that kind of what they're going for? Absolutely. It's like the second riddock movie you keep what you kill. It's like that. It's just like that. Okay. Right. A nice accessible reference.
Nobody's alcohol bearing and riddock too. Okay. So, this guy's the sheriff. You could tell I shot, I shopped off the budget rack everywhere. I mean, that was what was available. All right, Cecil. Your mother said you were a little disappointed at your alcohol bearing, how in sock and boppers. So, grandma got you riddock too. I know you don't haven't seen riddock one yet, but I'm guessing you can infer what happens. There you go. So, we get some walking in the woods.
I am actually going to skip over how long this walking in the woods is podcasting her, but I'm not kidding. It is a 10 minute scene of just walking in the woods. Entries. It really is entries. This is the main character. I guess main character, Max Lee walking through the woods. Now, is this a flashback? This is a flashback because he has a gun in this scene, right? Well, so it's confusing because he's walking in the woods and then he wakes up from that walking in the woods.
Yes. This feels like they eventually intended it to be a flashback that was a nightmare and he wakes up from it. Okay. All right. To be clear, the scene structure so far has been current time looking at something flashback, meeting with the sheriff, sheriff's flashback David still in his flashback and then bringing us to now where he is woken up from his flashback. Right. We still don't know what was 20 years ago.
No. But he's working in his laptop, checking to see if he got an email from Bigfoot and then he walks through the woods. Some more. There's it. My favorite part is he hears a Bigfoot at this point. At a certain point, he hears something rustling in the forest and like to rustling in the forest is a burglar. He decides to rack the shotgun at this point. He does. And my favorite subtitle I've ever seen came across the screen and it said gun-waring. Gun-goke-chak. That's exactly it.
That's were right. There we go. Worrying. Yeah. Okay. I love your notes here too, by the way. So, so it's new with you. He's just walking. He's like writing me a notes in the notes because he does. There's nothing to see except for him walking. You play for gotten city yet? I feel like that didn't get the phrase that deserved because it started. Amazing. Skyrim Lockers. Really. Interesting. Good. Groundhog Day murder mystery, right? Well, you guys want to podcast the crowd. This route.
Okay. So, from there, he wakes up, checks his email, then he does more walking in the woods than mid-walking. Where are we in the notes? I don't even know at this point. We're here. We're here, see. Mid-walking, he has another flashback. So, to be clear, we're in a flashback of walking through the woods while he is walking through the woods. We saw him wake up from a flashback. Now he's having another flashback. So this is like inception flashback. Yes. Exactly.
This is like flashback from a flashback from a flashback. Yes. Exactly. All that this movie was lacking was me having a flashback about watching this movie while watching this movie. Also, different gun though this time, but it's a tactical rifle. Yes. It's not an actual, like so again, like none of these are hunting rifles. Like this is like, this is something that you walk into the gun store and it looks the coolest. And so that's why you bought it. You don't know anything about it.
It's not even like a name brand. You're just like, that would look bad as, man. I like how this dog goes. Ziggas Ziggas. That's a spoiler on the back. I don't even know what that would do. Exactly. It's gun rolls cold. That's why I bought it. Yeah. This is a guns and ammo centerfold. Yeah, exactly, exactly. But he spots three big foots through his scope. I think it's big, big feet. But yeah. And then correct me if I'm wrong here. The eye of Soron sees him. One of the things that is.
We wrote this. Can be nothing else. And I don't mean like an effect like the eye of Soron. I genuinely think they might have taken the eye of Soron from the order of the ring there for like three seconds worth of frames. Yes. Yeah. So that's it. Yeah. I think that's it. Yeah. He's got to run. I remember. Yeah, they're filming him. And he's walking. When he he keeps like, he's got like some sort of like. Dave's got to run. And he's running through the range.
And I'm like, I'm just going to be like, I'm going to do this. So I'm just going to be like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to go. He's got like some sort of like gate that makes him lean a lot so it keeps on leaning as he's running and In the previous scene too he was trying to climb up a hill and he goes to grab a tree as he's going up
And he misses and almost miss his and then cut the scene beautiful. I guarantee he fell he fell and rolled down the Delfor a while. Yes. Yes. He could still be reg傲. It's been chasing a cheese stop to help him. They were like are you Okay, do you ever step onto a beach barefoot and it was hotter than you expected and he was like I'm gonna go for it anyway That's him running for a lot of this. Yeah, right so good. It's so true
Like he's headbutting something but he never gets to the head thing. He's headbutting It's like you have to walk quickly across gravel and bare feet. It's like that where you're kind of like you know You want a headbutt of carrot and it just it's hanging right there You want to stick exactly yeah, yeah, so that ends end of him running flashback He walks in the woods some more and then he wakes up the next morning to a phone call from the sheriff
Yeah, and the sheriff asked him if he found big foot. He says no Mm-hmm, and then he says we should come over for dinner tonight and he says no I'm fine. I'm gonna eat my room and he says you'll be there. Sorry He actually says exact words no. I'm just gonna eat here in my room And I was like that is the saddest the heathen right? It made me cringe while eating in my room watching this Keith was eating his ninth
I had a cereal and a sink at this moment. I was like so good man. Get some love in your life Jesus hey, it's really about making time for other people Time to wash my one bowl one spoon We need to be an awesome though if they just spent like 40 minutes watching him just eat alone in his room Just watching random things on television. He's got Oreo crumbs on his chest. He's sitting in the bed
I don't know. Maybe I'm going another point in the column here. Yeah, that's the self-aware No, no, it's my column dammit point in mine I don't know which is better for me if it's that tire Oh, work it out, but apparently the royal instruction to be at dinner works and so he's like okay. Yes, I will come to dinner Very forceful invitation. Yeah, you don't turn something like that down There's like a coat of honor about food invitations throughout this movie. This is the first one
I kind of like it. It's like vampires can only come in if they're invited and big feet invite you to dinner And you don't have no choice about it. Yeah, exactly and if you invite them to food they have to go So it's like we'll learn Oh, right. It's all coming together. Yeah, the things all making sense So now we get more woods wandering. Yeah, I have to point this out because this is where we get one of my favorite
Best worst in the movie the greatest book ever it is his big-foot journal. It's so good It looks it's like a prop for a wizard. Yep in a school It's absurd. He has Dead Sea Scrolls on papyrus. Yes as his diary with coffee And again, he's just writing notes in it But I have to talk about this because at the end of the scene right he writes some notes about big-foot did not see big foot today Hold on hold on before you continue. I just want to say this book is thicker than any book you could pass
It's Harry Potter 7. It's so huge. Yeah, fucking it's like war and peace thick and he's on page three writing So he really thinks he's like, you know what? I'm gonna need this. I need a journal this large because I have that No, he like just read the secret yesterday and now he's like starting to do journaling manifesting abundance about
I need the biggest one. Yeah, I was gonna say it's it's the Eli Bosnick bullet journals Yeah, he's full this But so the reason I mentioned this scene is because he finishes writing on page three of the journal and then he goes to put the pen in his pocket Gentlemen, I went back would either of you like to guess how long it takes this actor to manage to put a pen in his pocket. Okay Yeah, he also has to deal with a zipper and it goes horribly wrong. Yep, that's
Mara's two problems. It's a good nine and a half minutes. Yeah, it is no joke Five seconds of just a Just a pen. He's like, oh miss my pocket. Oh miss my pocket. He misses his pocket twice Then it's in the key pocket and stills jamming me in the side because it only went in a little
He has to grab the pocket and hold it still. It's a two-handed operation Then he turns away from the camera hoping that we somehow haven't noticed that he's been struggling with his pen Seconds the rest the pen I assume into his still beating heart
It's like the kid who doesn't start crying until they know you saw them get hurt a little bit And then he looks he's like the camera And then he has to try to open a zipper put his Impossibly big book into his bag and then close the zipper and that's the next another night He's nine minutes 25 seconds, but they they film the whole thing. Why do you film the whole thing?
Why don't you just be like oh, yeah? He's putting his book away and then just cut instead they he's like Fuck I gotta move this other book all the way and he's like he's kind of huffing to him Fucking wrong pocket Yeah, he hurts his finger and has to wave his finger like
Oh, he first it's down and then he lists the thing up and it's like it's like when you have a Grocery bag that is just as big as the thing you're putting into it and he's kind of shaking it a little to try to get it down at the bottom
It's like a garbage bag then then he finally crams it down you music is elbow and then he has to hold it under his hand and wrap the letter around the thing There's a lot of movement in this seat and it takes forever man Okay, when he straps the camera up to the tree
What's the end game there? Like it's a wildlife camera. It's just watching You're gonna like use the national bigfoot facial database to figure out And then he's really hoping that bigfoot passes by that particular Tree and then he's like I go back to this tree and try to hunt here, but he's already there we do
We actually watch him change the battery later. Okay. It's how boring this movie Okay, but then he finds a clump of hair in I think in the present real I think we're all the way out of the swooshes He finds hair no fucking clue he then right whatever you say oh captain my captain And then he takes out his diaries like dear diary found clump hair of hair
Bigfoot you said question mine. I wouldn't find anything He's the asshole now bigfoot side-to-radiation underline not reusing pens from now This one's staying out All right, well, he's definitely gonna do a little more journaling So we'll take a quick break give him some time for that and then we'll be back with more bigfoot grip of the monster And then the scallop wrapped in bacon so good right seesol
Posterfajoules something Italian my name. Why would posture show me in the middle Unsubscribe me seesol right now unsubscribe you from what a season liberally I follow you on youtube and this is how you thank me you'd see some liberally doesn't have a subscription service Wait, it doesn't no, but if you want help managing your subscriptions You should try rocket money what's rocket money rocket money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions
monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so that you can grow your savings with rocket money I have full control over my subscriptions and a clear view of my expenses I can see all of my subscriptions in one place and if I see something I don't want rocket money can help me cancel it with a few taps
Sounds great. Heath, but what do you love about it? I love How the dashboard shows me this month's spending compared to last month so I can clearly see my spending habits Plus they'll help me create a custom budget and keep my spending on track Rocket money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you by up to 20% All you have to do is submit a picture of your bill and rocket money takes care of the rest They'll deal with customer service for you
In fact rocket money has over five million users and has saved a total of five hundred million dollars in cancelled subscriptions Saving members up to seven hundred forty dollars a year when using all of the apps features All right, Heath, I'm sold. Where do I sign up stop wasting money on things you don't use Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocket money.com slash awful movies That's rocket money.com slash awful movies rocket money.com slash awful movies
All right guys. Thanks still doesn't explain what I was signed up for though. You know this is treason liberally. It's Trump's email list. Oh, right. So you're gonna unsubscribe No Sure I'm just saying if you compare us to someone like Shaqialo Neil or even Yao Ming, right dude you got to let this go It's just it's a weird identifier for me, you know like for a species Sasquatch Dave Sasquatch Chris how you guys doing hey hey Sasquatch Steve what's up? I just saw a human
In the woods. Oh nice. What'd you do? Jeet him. Oh, are you jealous? worse Really what'd you do? I like Stacked some rocks up Sorry, you you stacked up rocks as I said Yeah, and then they found them and they were like whoa Whoa sure, uh, did you do you do anything else? Yeah, did I do anything else? Yeah, of course. Okay nice nice. Well, that's good. All right So so you went to take a picture. Oh, yeah, and then I moved so it was all blurry. Larry
I see. Got it cool. Okay, I totally got him. Sure cool Hey, given the size of how large some human feet are does it strike you as weird that they call us? Let it go man God, I'm letting it go. I'm letting it go. Like you're not And we're back when we left off max had just found a clump of bigfoot hair And then he gets physically thrown into another flashback of his own memory
Okay, it tumbles into it. Here's what I think is supposed to be happening I think he's supposed to be remembering the time he saw the big foots through his scope And then he saw the eye of Sauron and this is him running away some more But because they cut the last scene with him tripping which is how I assume that actor ends all
Movement for space. It does the literally look like he falls Through present time like into the like what king and kid Arthur's court style right because he's not falling over
Doodly-do wipe he tumbles forward like an idiot. Yeah, and we're in a flashback. That's what we watch Yeah, I wrote at this point between this and the get ahead we did for pajama party last week I think we may exclusively be pranking Heath with our movies at this point I Do you think he really requested like those those those risk guards that you wear when you roll or blade Just to make sure that you didn't hurt himself. I mean land it. You know, he's like I need some knee pads
He really should have got some of those. Yeah, and this flashback. There's no reason for this flashback either It's like two seconds and it's just him flashback tumble and then he comes back out of it And he's like, yeah, that was just a sad memory of the time. I fell really bad I'm holding a clump of hair still Josh the fuck out of my knee when I did that man. It sucked I led to limp out of the forest and apparently he brought like a plastic evidence bag in case he found some Yeah big foot
DNA hair whatever he puts in the evidence bag. Yeah, doesn't want to corrupt the crime scene. Yeah, exactly. I want to see Go to do it. I Gotta give props where props are due. Okay This movie sucks this movie's terrible. There's no good really redeeming parts, but I will say this There is a woodshot and there's a lot of woodshots in here So you get to become a connoisseur after a point you're like
You do truly. Yeah, you know this one's kind of lame I don't like this one because at the certain point they're just banging the thing around on its tripod It's not great, but there is one shot and this is the this is the part where they focus pool from Actually focus push so there's a close shot that they focus push to the far shot Of the trees and it's two different trees in two different zones So once farther away than the other and it looks good It's a good shot
This is it. This is the one spot. We found the good shot in the movie area by the other one spot
Just a cool like racking focus of two trees far away. I'm talking to each other. Yeah for those of you playing along with the ARG We found it So now we're gonna cut over to a phone call with the sheriff and look I think it's important we spoil the movie at this point We already hinted at it earlier, but the point of this movie as Cecil mentioned at the beginning and as Heath mentioned before Right the point of this movie is that a family of big-foot's are trying to blend into this town
Right, they somehow managed to turn themselves back into humans or they're shaved Cecil suggested at the beginning and so now the sheriff is getting a call from the tourism board about whether or not They should make an announcement about big-foot and this scene is super boring if it's just a sheriff Who doesn't want to talk about big-foot hilarious? This seems fucking hilarious. Yeah, because it's big-foot. Yeah, and he's like Sorry, you say that again book. How's it pronounced big-foot? Yeah
We were thinking you know a big announcement gin up a little tourism business. No, no, no, no, no, no I don't think we need any of that here in chicory fall Oh, okay, what if I call the the next town over and they could like the whole county could maybe make an announcement Oh Maybe we could have an apple festival How about that huh at the end we all leave out a stake what about a Locking chair
So now we're back in the woods with Max. I want to point out that at this point I wrote in my notes We are a third into this movie a Christian third Maybe they just think flashbacks are a scene transition I wrote I wrote in my notes. I was like this movie is almost over right?
Yeah, we're almost like 20 minutes 68 minutes was a strange a lot to go but the movie is quite certain that they're like ramping up Oh, yeah, the action right here because like the music is The music of a really good movie is happening somewhere else not here
But we're pretty sure it might land here if you look panned over a little bit There'd be like the battle of five armies happening just out of frame or something That's what the music is telling us but then it's just max being like and check the Mud with my hand Yeah, it's pretty good mud that's pretty good mud right there also max throughout all these different flashbacks You can't really tell because if they were going to do a flashback right they would be like all right
So here you go max you're going to be in this outfit with this vest in this hat and you'll always have this gun So that way we know this is max of the past and then when you're in the future You can have your bookcase or your briefcase on your shoulder and your pen hanging out of your Upper pocket because you can't actually put it in there and we'll have you have a camera around your neck
Those would be the two maxes. Yeah, but they keep like sort of giving him a crew tram on from different time frames And so you're never sure you're like is this max from the future or the past or is this a is this a max in an alternate Universe what is happening because you never know he's just holding an an eight and a half by 11 of a newspaper from that day Are you looking at it or is that from the now time So now it's time to have dinner at the sheriff's house
Yes, I'm how his big foot hunt went and he's like bad. I just walked through the woods and then Eli Heath and Cecil had to do like 10 minutes about me putting a pen in my pocket And this is where we're going to get The creepy right children now look yes creepy right children is very redundant We have seen these children in multiple films now These are not children who need to act to be creepy. So this is creepy children Acting creepy. It's it's a double creepy
That's a point in the self-aware column. You think no Yes, it is them being bad actors creepy creepy cancel it come it like circles back around
They're like the vultraps now. They're like charming as they come downstairs insanely and there is a piece of this portion When they come downstairs and they all have their hair in front of their face and they're all kind of looking really You know trying to look angry or whatever through their giant mobs a hair that they're looking through and they focus back on max And they're both standing up and the camera has no idea where to go
So they're kind of looking down on max but looking up at the girls. It's a very strange But they go back and forth and this is where you cut the music and you turn it into 80s synth music and it would 100% be a sitcom in the 80s. Oh for sure these guys It's and that's why I think it's self-aware because I
Named the name the name I'm showing you in the big puts. Yeah laughing until I cried at the scene It is so amazing to watch them go back and forth and and max trying to be like Hey, uh, what is I It can't actually say it's the fucking best. It is the best There's this great moment where they're all eating dinner where max has obviously been told to like awkwardly try to start conversation But they didn't write the line for the actor. So he's like so y'all Dash I go you got fuck yep
Yeah, okay, bye. Yeah This is do you go to school around here? You come here often your house stupid I said yes, and that's when the sheriff explains that he homeschools the girls and I was like okay But like the rights definitely homeschool their kids like yeah, that's correct life imitating art here I also feels like max doesn't believe in homeschooling as an effective model for education He kind of says like homeschool like and I thought to myself
I thought that feels weird in this movie. Yeah, shouldn't they be like homeschooling? It's amazing. Can say he's like homeschooling what the fuck is wrong with you people It yeah max the actor is like cool cool I don't know what to say to that You know I are you a good teacher that feels But okay, there's one moment before the kids get here and this is important that the kids aren't there yet He comes in max comes in he's invited he gets pulled in violently actually by sheriff dad
For dinner and then he meets sheriff's wife and she's like oh hello. I wasn't expecting you My husband brings home strays a lot. I think we're her exact words and I was like Jesus is this like stump he's stumbling into a threesome with And okay like actual opinion. I think the rights tried to do a threesome with this actor He walked in and like I don't like Ashley right is wearing a first suit with no crotch It went very badly and then they were like what
No, this is the scene. Yes, ask why rehearsal. We want you to start in our Yes Movie thank you for answering our Craigslist dad by the way because we were looking for movie For movie. I was just trying to put a pen in my front pocket and I ripped that area Kind of sound would a Sasquatch make go ahead you do yours first go ahead Oh
Yours that was you terrible yours was mine was great. I did if you enjoyed take out your right headphone if you enjoyed Sasquatch orgasm take out your left headphone if you enjoyed if you're into Teradactyl stuff. Okay, well you didn't say we got to change the creature It could be a Sasquatch dactyl cheating anyways Then he leaves and and the only reason I have to point this out is because
Sasquatch fingers as he's leaving the right daughters go for an in sync creepy way. Yes, but they fail This is the this is self-aware self-aware Yes, absolutely absolutely. Oh, I think this was this is just stupid kids It was I will die on this everybody scary wave by in unison in one three two I What is to the left and what is to the right once in the middle and they're both going opposite this amazing They bonky each other in the elbow right on the fun bone and exciting
If this is on purpose, it's not if this is on purpose. It's two rights are Brilliant comedian. Yeah, and I see this podcast to them. Okay, they should come on and talk about making brilliant comedy genius Share genius watch the scene and try to disagree with me So now he gets another call from the sheriff And he's like so are you going back out to look for big foot again today? He's like yes, that is what the movie is about And then we watch a man who has failed at walking for most of this film
Attempt to build a tent. Oh man. It goes as well as your imagining pod Long like I thought he was gonna straight. I thought he was gonna full Yeah, yeah I don't know which side is I'm lost. I need an Allen wrench for a tent Fuck it's like a fitted sheet. It's this is impossible. This is impossible I thought he was gonna try to blow it up at one point I thought he was looking for a tube to blow it He's spinning it around he flips it over he opens it up
Then he's like fuck it's on the wrong side. He's starting to get mad too He's kind of getting a little angry and you could see him sort of pushing it like very forcefully to the ground This is the greatest scene again
Self-aware. Yeah, and if you try to angrily move a zipper it just makes it worse So he does some of that It's the best and then they just they cut right in the middle of that and then fast forward to like 10 hours later after Several other people helped him put together the tent and the tent Yeah, and he's writing in his gigantic handmade diary again with the coffee stain pages and now he's on page four
Well, you know, you had the page three for the hair. Yeah, right. Yeah, okay now he's moving forward So here's what I think is supposed to happen I think bigfoot is supposed to approach the tent and like attack it But what actually happened is they put this actor who can't walk and can't assemble a tent inside the tent Then they kicked it He somehow fell and got trapped inside And we watched that happen in complete darkness without night vision
Right, so we hear that happen very vague shapes moving in the dark But yeah, I thought they were going for like bigfoot tore up in the tent and like attacked him But it but no that's not what happened like it movie was just lying
It's like Blair Witch. It's like when they touched the outside of the tent like that's what happened So I just came up and just like watch the outside of the tent and then that's the scary part They saw the first half of Blair Witch before the rights were like this is the Marcus Dayton But they do remember someone touched a tent and so that's what they were going for
So that's it that's that scene. Yep now we cut to him pouring himself some camp coffee And the only reason I have to point this out is because they obviously have one of those like big camp coffee pots Right the one that's meant for like six or seven people all going on together and they weren't gonna buy a fucking new one So this actress just like Lulu Lulu pouring myself a gallon jug of coffee And the other thing too is there's no fire anywhere
So he like there's no stove no fire no nothing and it's literally just sitting on a rock And I'm like that's not a light. It's not electric cattle man You got to actually have like an actual fire underneath like no no no and I don't need no That trust me he made coffee and there's a burn order. We're not allowed to do it I'm sorry this guy try to make a tent there's no way we're trusting him around to fire
It's just cold brew we put beans and water in there a while ago and it's fine. It's fine Yeah, that's rude. So yeah, that he sees some rocks stacked. Oh, this is the rocks. Yeah, fantastic. Okay, according to the movie, Bigfoot, who maybe didn't or did attack earlier, showed up while he was gone and did like a rock balancing sculpture, like one of those little like zen rock belts. It was happening. But it's so funny because again, the right family had to make this sculpture.
I don't know it's four rocks, right? I don't know. They're all in the outwards. The right spent out in the woods being like, we can't fucking get five, Ashley, it's three eight. Okay, I don't think it's physically possible. I treat trying to Google it. Can you stack five or I can't do it? Okay, it has to be four. I think they may be glue him. That's what I was thinking. I think somebody now he does walk over, does he actually pick them up? Does he move them? No. So they're glued together.
They're 100% like super glued together. There's no way that they tried to balance it. They're Bigfoot glued, yeah. Carole glue. Just pan over Bigfoot's raking as Sandy's end guard. Yeah. They do it. Power arrangement. I like that idea. Yeah. Terminabons, I tree. Yeah. So they he wanders the woods some more, we watch him change the batteries in his tree cam. Yep. And then we get what is an attempted apocke scare in this movie, but it's just as fast as David can come around to tree.
So he's like, hello there. And it's like, yeah, man, we could smell you. It's not like rubbing alcohol. And he was like, anyways, leave. Oh God. The worst pushiest guy. He keeps on doing this throughout the home movies. He's calling him on the phone. Are you going to leave yet? Are you leaving yet? No, I still got to go walk around the woods and pick up more drain hair. Sorry, I'm busy. Are you leaving yet? Are you leaving? I'm not Bigfoot. Yeah. So now it's time for Max to do some research.
Yeah. So he's wandering through town. He picks up a newspaper article about the old sheriff and sees the watch on the sheriff's wrist. And then he has a flashback to remembering when he saw that watch in the sheriff's desk. He's all coming together. Hold on though. The picture in that that is on this flyer of the sheriff is a picture that was taken with him and all the exact same clothes, holding the exact same gun. So his last known photo is of the same day he went hunting.
Like it is as though Dave, the Bigfoot went, okay, well, if you're going to keep hunting, let me take a picture of you before you go. But now we're going to get Heath's best worst. There you go. He is going to be followed by a Bigfoot child. And this big foot child is going to hide behind a tree. Look, I know a lot of you just joined our Patreon. And so Tim, I'm going to have you look into our show notes and post this on our Patreon. This screenshot of this child hiding behind the tree.
It's the closest I'm going to get to admitting that this movie is funny on purpose. I don't think it is. I feel like they get in a half admission to you as full point on the side. So I don't think it's possible. Look at the picture man of this child standing not even behind the tree. Not even just one eye. We're hiding one of your eyes. Tim posted as a poll. Posted as a poll if this is real or satire because I don't I don't think they're self-aware enough to do satire.
I'm sorry, still photo and you can hear her being like no you can't see me hide hide hide hide hide. I just thought you'd stop you don't see me. No, you don't. There's no way you don't do this and not know you're doing this. It's fine. I have to believe it in my heart. So now, just to be clear, this is the beginning of her spy mission. Yes, she will be back. She will be back. Yes, she will be for most of the rest of the movie. In fact, yeah.
So now, because he's looking for information, he's going to go chat with the librarian. This is the greatest scene in this movie. This is the greatest scene in this movie. It's perhaps the greatest scene that's ever been recorded. There's so much to talk about in it, but the first thing that we have to talk about is do you think the people at this library knew? No. Right? No. That is what I think.
No, no. I think they just knocked in the library with a camera and filmed this guy talking to people. Yeah, and the like eight old people who are at the library during the day in hemlock, falls, whatever the fuck main are just like, all right. Well, there's a completely wasted drunk guy with a camera in a bigfoot suit and I'm not going to acknowledge him. He's making a movie. So I'm just looking for a book about murdering. Sorry, excuse me, excuse me.
And look, at the risk of pissing off our librarian listeners who are both forced major and strong in their opinions, I will say this is a dark shit library. It's one of those small town three shelf libraries where it's like, okay, well, this is just an old person's book collection, like not nice book collection. I have, I personally have more books than this library by like a lot. Oh, man, this, there's, can we talk about the librarian just for a second? Yeah. So he goes up to the librarian.
He's like, well, going for a bigfoot, looking for a bigfoot sighting and he says, oh, there's a bigfoot sighting. Where was it? He's like, it was pretty close. It's like right nearby, like really close. So do you know anything about it? She said, no, let me tell you a story about her hermit. She used to live here and take trick hits from people. No, it's in the wood. There was a hermit who lived nearby and he would steal from people. End of story. End of that.
Is that woman just being like you said word? It's my turn now. A man took my azaleas. Yeah. It's the best. And can I say she will not be the most batshit response in this scene? Dude, there's, there's another guy who's sitting at the table.
He comes down, sits down, starts talking to another guy and this guy's sitting at the table and they say, they start talking to me and say, you know, I think about bigfoot and the guy says, no, but those are our, we have a bird feeder outside and those are our good birds to have around and stuff. So it's just little life. So so good birds. It's just a right place. Who's immediately like, no, I don't know anything about that. Anyway, birding, I talked now. It is my turn.
Remember it was her turn before now mine. I talked for a while. I'm going to list the birds I know. It's so fucking insane. Like podcast listener. I know we make jokes on this show. This is just accurate reporting of the conversation. Crow. And he also, he doesn't know a lot about bird. I always want to know why he wants to know what it says. I exactly, he goes, those are good birds to have around and stuff. Climate change.
But you know, because of climate change and stuff and pesticides and stuff. Oh, that was my favorite though. He does say that he says something about climate change, which kind of indicates that it might be a real thing. And then I was like, cut your out of the fucking movie, Dave. Walk away now. Leave. Walk away now. You said you were going to add 97 sentences about birds in our big foot movie. And he is literally out of the movie. They show him. Yeah. They show like two. Like hold on.
Point in the self aware column. Let me have the. I think that's a point. No, I'm going to tell you. Oh, no. Alayla, Alayla, let me speak. Let me finish. Let me finish. Let me finish. I see my time. I see my time. So here we go. I'm going to reclaim our time after this though. Here's what I'm going to say. He put this was written into the plot, the pesticide and the climate change was written in the plot so that they could depict him as a crazy person. That's itself aware. I'm sorry, self aware.
This was written dialogue that he had or at least they gave him a big sketch of what he's supposed to do. The guy who likes birds and admits that climate change is real is written on purpose that way to be the crazy person in comparison to the big foot hunter who has come to a library to get the hot goss from the town spoke, the scuttle butt about big feet at the library. Yes. Okay, the time is a flat circle. Yes. Let's resound.
My theory is this is a point against because it's just like they went to a real. And that's what happened. You know what I will cross it on. I think you're no way. No, that is the most gifted and brilliant comedian of the 21st century who was just hanging out at that and he was like, I was thinking I could do a perfectly acted bit about a person who's so unaware he talks about birds for like 97 minutes. And they were like, all right. I mean, we are a brilliant and saddlerist.
Yeah. So the saddler and toin of question exactly. Okay. But now the librarian comes over. She did find a book on big foot. And also she recognizes him. Oh, he wrote a book about big foot. Yeah, she gets excited. She's, are you the max fucking Lee? He's like, yeah, don't just be cool, be cool. But yes, yes, please. I'm just trying to live a normal life. Please, I just want to live one day as a normal man. She rips open her top. She's like, sign my tits right now. Right now.
Please, are you kidding me? Also, this is where I learned about bean suppers, right? Because he's asking her about the sheriff and he's like, did you ever meet him? And she's like, oh, maybe I saw him at a bean supper. So I went down a bean supper rabbit. Oh, that's what she said. Oh, okay. Bean supper is a potluck that takes place in Maine. So it's horrible. It's what you're saying. Just baked beans. Oh, so it's doubly horrible. Okay, sure.
Wow. Who was like, I love it when Chris brings the baked beans. And I love it when Daphne brings the baked beans. Have you ever thought, why do we have other foods at these things? Let's just have baked beans. Let's push our luck with food poisoning. What do you guys say? Can we just see if we can get as much food poisoning in here as possible? Let's just get a bunch of tiny hot dogs. Cut them up and that's new dinner for everybody. Okay, that's a real thing. Bean supper.
Yes, I went down a whole rabbit hole about this. Okay. And like, honestly, that whole rabbit hole very likely happened. I guess they cut it. The one cut they made to this movie because like the whole scene, it's amazing. It's just this, this max league. I try to hurry old people into getting to the point and helping him find Bigfoot, which is also the experience of watching this movie is trying to hurry old people. It's getting to the point. It's so slow.
Yeah. There's this great moment where he's like, okay, well, all right, you didn't know the sheriff. Do you know anyone associated with the movie and she goes, no, no, I don't. And then I don't know what expression she was going for, but this is the word she said. She goes, librarians are above the truth. She pulls out a highlander sword. I'm going to go kill for the sake of killing.
Bye. Like, if we were going to have a pope in the world who's the conduit to God, I think it should be a librarian if I was going to have one. And it would be okay for her to declare herself above the truth. And then to wrap up this scene, we're going to pan over to the least healthy child ever who is now hiding behind a shelf shelf in this four shelf library. It's so good. She's like, yeah, trees and paper are both wood. I'm fine. I didn't.
I was like, you just need to be near wood stuff, right? You remember what it was? That's what spies do is stand near behind wood. Ish. Oh, God. To be clear, the spy mission was like, get behind tiny tree. Spy, spy, spy. Go to the library, get behind bookshelf, spy, spy, spy, spy. And then they show us outside the library. He's now Max is getting back into his car and she's there again behind the exact same tree. I'm behind the tree. She's one high behind the tree again.
Another point in the column for self-aware is her bangs. Okay. There's no way you don't have that as an ironic haircut. Well, then I owe the rights money, Cecil. We need to get their work out there to the larger world, Cecil. Now we've discovered comedic geniuses. Here we are making fun of them. They're making the world a better place. They're bringing laughter back. I have to readjust my whole life. Anyways, Maxly is going to drive a UTV now or actually he's going to start to drive a UTV.
And based on how this actor set up a tent and navigated a library, they were like, if you let him drive that for even an inch, he is going to die in a fiery wreck. So he starts up the UTV and then we just see the sheriff stepping in front of him being like, no, you can't drive a vehicle in the movie. It's amazing. So he's actually calling the place asking to rent a UTV and he's like, oh, wait, I can get it right now. Like right now in the movie. I thought we were going to watch him go rent it.
Like four seasons total landscaping for a lot of license and like fill out a bunch of paperwork and they're going to be ever going behind one before. I got to drive back home to get that one. I don't have. All right. Also, it felt like there was like a side bet to see how many times they could say UTV in a scene because it felt like they kept saying it over and over. He's on the phone.
Then he gets in it and he's like, this is a cool UTV and he's driving around and then the sheriff comes and he looks like you got yourself a UTV. Yes, sheriff. I did get a UTV. Well, you shouldn't be driving around here in a UTV. Cool. Like what the fuck, man? UTV is a cool thing. It's actually an initialism. A lot of people would say acronym, but it's actually because you say out the letters, not like say it as like an UTV. Oh, man. UTV though. And he always not kidding.
There's a scene in this where he's sitting in the, he gets in, puts the parking breakdown. They have a camera on a tripod that they switch to. He pulls it forward two inches and then puts the brake on it. He got me watching park badly several times. He's driving around. He's like, is this a good parkance? No, I can get closer to the woods and then a different edge of the woods and then a third time.
And he finally parks and gets out of his, it's like what you need to try to parallel park, which both of the people on this podcast, if you're experienced, like what was he hoping for? You never actually succeeded in in parallel parking. So I don't think that's, did you think like, like big foot would just be like taking a nap on a blanket just outside of the woods line and be like, easy to get or something? Ah, you got me trying to get a tan. But yeah, the sheriff steps out. He stops him.
He pulls his gun immediately and says, you're lucky. I didn't shoot you and I wrote my notes. Why would you shoot him? Well, first before the sheriff shows up, he, Max gets attacked by assuming, I'm assuming big foot with a throw of a tree, like an entire tree tree. And then or a tree falls over on him. It's unclear what's being going on there. Okay, but then a boulder, a huge boulder gets thrown, right? Yeah. So probably a big foot. But again, none of them are near the car, right?
We just see a tree falling, we see a boulder falling and then Max is in a parked UTV. Right. And then out of nowhere, the sheriff is right there immediately with a gun out. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't just have a boulder. What? I didn't throw a boulder. You did it. I didn't do it. If you're going to kill him, why didn't he just shoot it? I don't understand. I don't understand. Or hit him with the tree successfully or like any of the other times he could. Was there a drone shot in this?
Oh, you know what? At the very beginning when he's driving around, they did use a drone shot. Yeah. Because I wanted to be like again, I wanted to be like, oh, no, that was actually that was a nice change of pace because normally they're just like staring up at trees and spinning around in circles. Yeah, usually the motion sickness. And I was like, oh, that's a nice change of pace. It's like, all right. No, this is nice. Usually it's lie like coup cam. And this one was a full-journed shot.
Yeah. But yeah, the sheriff is just like, all right, I didn't shoot you. You should stop looking for Bigfoot. You've said that to me in literally every scene. And he's like, well, I'm not the Bigfoot. Stop looking for me. I mean, Bigfoot. I mean, what? I'll hit you with the rock next time. You said it. U-T-V. Okay. Well, one way or another, the sheriff keeps being there right after Bigfoot. Anyway, let me give Act 3 the hard sell. Who's going to be Bigfoot?
Find out the Bigfoot for the alt-rights. Last name right. A big foot grip of the monster. This show is sponsored by Better Home. Hey, Cecil, you ready for, whoa, what's with the sword? Oh, hey, Eli, he ate the other half of the blueberry donut in the break room. So I am going to stab him. Stab him. Cecil, it looks like you could use a break. I know, but it's hard to remind myself before I get out the undrawn blade that thirst for blood, you know? Definitely, I know. But have you tried therapy?
Therapy for this? Absolutely. Therapy is a great way to deal with anger, anxiety, or whatever tough emotions you're going through. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give Better Help a try. It's entirely online designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. So no awkward therapist breakups, no awkward therapist breakups.
Take a moment, visit BetterHelp.com slash awful today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelpHLP.com slash awful. Thanks, Eli. I think I might give it a shot. Here he is. The blueberry bandit. Mr. Slowpoke, right? So slow, no blow. Barry. Okay, I'm going to stab him. Yeah, oh, by all means. So slow, no blueberry. Nailed it. Didn't work either. Don't stab me. Hey, hey, hey, hey, what are you doing? Buh, me. Yeah, super obviously you. Why are you following me? I'm not. You are.
You're standing behind a dandelion and humming. What I, and you're humming what I think is mission impossible movie music? Nope, not that one. Nope. Yeah, yeah, yes, yes you are. Did you want something? No, I was just. My daddy is a therapist. Yeah, I was at your house for dinner. I saw you. We're, we're bigfoot. Yeah, I saw that too. Okay. And we're back. And we left off, there were trees now more trees, a whole bunch of trees. That's it.
And now after some trees, Max is going to go spy on the sheriff and the sheriff's family at their house. Also the music is pretty sure that we're entering the enemy base at a Nintendo 64 game at this point. And I was very shocked. Max can actually sneak. He sneaks this entire time along offense, able to crouch walk. I don't know if maybe he just had a bad back that they are not. I literally wrote in my notes, they told this actor to sneak and he was like, Doc says sneakage bad from the back.
Best I can do is kind of lean forward. Pretty much what he does. He actually hides behind the tree for a second. I think they're just like into that just as I was thinking though, you know, if you're going to have the mission impossible theme going and he's going to sneak up, don't just like have him roll up in a, you know, plane, white sedan and just slowly park right in there in their fucking driveway. So we're with his flashers on. He like accidentally honks the horns. He's getting out.
Fucking amazing. He can't get the alarm to go off. Bim, bim, bim, ah god, you got to unlock it from the inside. Why would that be what turns the alarm? I pops a trunk again. Mother turn it off. Turn on the car. That'll stop it. Triple A comes to toe. He gets his coat, part of his coat stuck in the door and he can actually get it out. He has the tears to sleep off. Yeah, it's to take his coat off and it just hangs there limply on the door.
Yeah, but it's all fine because the big putt family can't see or hear any of that at the moment. And he sees them all walking out into the backyard and then into the woods and then the moment they pass the first like the first tree that counts as where the woods begins. Yeah. They turn into big feet as they pass that threshold by which I mean they walk into a thing, cut and then everyone in their big foot suits walks out. No, no, no, no, Eli, I want to correct you.
It is there is only one person who's on a big foot suit. I think it's the mom and she is standing behind the tree. So when they stand behind the tree, she runs out and then they cut to the next person and she's standing on the, because it's the same suit. Four times it comes out. Sure is. Yeah. And then I have to point this out. It's just a sound cue thing, right?
So there's this weird like hissing sound as he runs back to his car, but it does sound like he's pissing himself the entire way back to the car, right? Oh, Max is running. Yeah. Was that just me? No, I got that too. I heard it too. Or maybe they're just peeing in the woods after they big foot morphed. Yeah, and then the big foot's all up to have a little murk. Maybe you got to go. And then we get one quick shot of one big foot.
I must assume dad, big foot looking back kind of angrily being like, hey, do we know anyone with a white sedan? Somebody. Who's doing that? There's a guy with three coats leave somehow stuck into the door of a white sedan outside our house. Probably not. You guys recognize that alarm that's going off. Is that so now now we cut back to his hotel's kitchen table. Yes, it is a hotel. It's so good. And again, this is the whole purpose of this shot. He goes, I think I know your secret now, sure.
And I wrote in my notes, I think like you're not sure what his secret is. Why is he looking at a map? He literally just saw them turn into big feats. Like what the fuck? Why is he staring at it? And then he's playing tic-tac toe with himself on this map. And then the greatest again, point in the self-aware column. He turns and takes his camera. He holds it up over the over the fucking map. And it clearly has the lens cap still on.
Oh my God. And then and then it's like fucking arrows or whatever. Like right over the top. And then he turns to the camera's like, now I know your secrets right to family. And then he touches the side of his mouth and then he walks off scene. Again, no, your secret. It's tic-tac toe lens cap. Lens cap, let's get it. Now all the right girls were promised they would get their own walking scene. So now it's time for daughter number two to get her scene.
She walks up to his door and know that I'm holding on before it. We took a lot of talk about the walk for a second here. Please let's talk about the way that by all means. And in the self-aware section, she is walking like a big foot. She is walking like a big foot. Stage direction. This is stage direction. If I think this is accidental, this might be accidental, great acting. Thank you. Maybe the rights just happened to walk like big feet.
All right, I'll give you a pointy lie accidental brilliance. Acts, I'll give you one point. All of it's accidental. No, it's not. It's not all exits. Some of it's planned. You can't take this for me. I know when they're faking it. The day's killing sons of bitches wicking at the camera. Oh, we're so postmodern and ironic. No. The right family mean it. They love Jesus and they love big foot. And they make very serious movies about both of them.
I think they're very happy people who are pumped at the end of these movies. They're like, we must crush that. You did it again, Ashley. You did it. And they have wild, passionate sex to congratulate each other for the wonderful work they've done. Meanwhile, I'm sitting in my basement just when I'm like, I can't get that. I have to take nine pills. I don't kill myself. I guess what I'm saying is no matter what the rights are winning, everybody. It's a lot of winning going on.
Noah is cutting this part of the show. So you'll never hear it at home, but just so you know, we had to come on a little softer with Max and the threesome next time. But I got this in that. I think we've been crushing it this whole time. We did end up, it ended up fucking it up. Yeah, she comes to the door and she's like, hi, I'm the sheriff's daughter. Come on a picnic into the middle of the woods with us. And he says, yes. Keen knows their big foot.
No, he says no. And then she says, father said you would not refuse a summons or something like that is what she says. Initially, he's like, nah, I'm busy. I got a food in the oven. I'm very busy today. And then she's like, father said you would not refuse a summons. And he's like, fine. Father's creeping me out all the time. That is big foot rules as you can't turn down a big foot. You know, the honor code just to remind you, you have to do it. It's like vampires. Deliver's a lie.
And yeah, okay, this is, this is some point in my. No, it's not. It's point in my face where this girl was like, you know what, I could fucking act. Mama dad said to be creepy, but I'm going to really play this act and so she goes, mom has made fried chicken and it's. And she jumps like a gesture and clicks her deals. It's the fucking weirdest choice. That's why the software. It's not so. No, no, no, no. Because that's genius acting again if it's self-aware.
Exactly. Yeah. Okay, I can see how this is kind of an impasse because we're both like, no, it's genius. And then no, it is genius. No, I'm saying it's genius. It's confusing. Look, right daughters, when you escape the cult that is your parents and become listeners to our podcast because that's a pretty straight fucking pipeline. Let me tell you. Please write in and let us know if you acted in this movie. I respect. I respect. I respect. I respect. I respect. There's no way nobody does that.
No one does that and thinks that that's the way to do it without thinking that I'm going to be funny and it's ironic. I feel like she won a bet with like the other sisters that like, I bet I could do a jump and be like scrumptious and they'll keep it and like she won a bet. I want nothing more than a Skrillex remix of her doing the scrumptious and like, I want nothing more than that. Tyler, we have a listener who's a sound editor who does this occasionally.
I think when he's bored or in jail or whatever, but he's the one who made the supercut of Keras Anna Maria losing hope in all humanity or info Tyler, we need the Skrillex reboot of the scrumptious line. I'm the scrumptious fried chicken. We'll get the right. We will buy the rights to this movie for three and a half dollars so that you can make that supercut.
One other thing I have to point out is she says the picnic will be at noon and the reason why I point that out is because the transition work shot we're going to get to noon that day is of the moon at night. I thought we were meeting at moon. You're not wrong. You're not wrong. You're not wrong. So now we sit around, we watch the rights eat fried chicken for a while.
I had a moment where I realized that getting fried chicken was part of the bribe for these kids to do the movie and it made me sad in my bones. It made me so because I just realized the moment where and they were like, um, can we get fried chicken if we do a movie? And he was, she was like, we can do it fried chicken. They were like, yes. And I am, my depression is however many degrees worse for the rest of my life. Okay. The chicken looks really good, right?
Yeah. They would have gotten me and they're smiling because the kids are having a good day. Most of their day is just their dad being like, and hey, Thoth don't sit on to guard it off. Right. And today they got to be outside and eat fried chicken and I don't know that I can exist in the world where that's true. I was so bored at this point. When I started resorting to dinner party questions, I was like, so how many owls would you need to see before you thought something was wrong?
I think it's six for me. Interesting. Like five owls. It's like us, like a family malls or something. But six owl, you're like, no, it's not. What's going on here? Is that is that all humming mission impossible? I would. What? Only one of his eyes is behind the tree. That's weird.
It's I know while we're on it, and because I can't emphasize this enough and that show doesn't have as many listeners, do you know what Tom's answer to how many owls he would need to see before he thought something was wrong was? It's either one or like it was one. Yeah. Of course, he's afraid of birds. Tom was like, ow bird. What's going on here? Tom literally is terrified of birds. He does hate birds. He would not want it. One owl is alarming to him.
Tom is scared of birds, the entire all birds. Doesn't he? Concept of that type of animal. The bird, it doesn't matter. It can be any bird. It can be a humming bird. He's afraid of it. Okay. Have you used this badly? No. Not yet. I would. Obviously. They don't do pranks like we are we going to use this absolutely. Like nice people who are real friends just don't do that. Exactly. Yes, but we're but we're now here. So speaking of birds, let me talk about this for a second.
They're eating this chicken. He's right. Looks like it's breaded nicely. It looks like it's got a lot of crunch. The guys, you know, nond on a leg. The mom obviously opted for boneless wings. There's a, you know, there's a whole different. I was mad about the boneless one that she had because like they showed a bunch. They showed a bunch of like the real ones and then they had everybody else had a bone and she didn't. But here's here's what I want to say. She's a lady. Can I say what?
That these people are eating a fucking chicken dinner with no sides. It's just chicken. They're raw dogging a chicken meal and that's it. There's nothing else. They're like, oh, we got some mac and cheese. We have some mashed potatoes with some gravy or some coleslaw. No, it's literally everyone only has one. You were allotted one piece. This is why I would be depressed. You're all allotted one piece of chicken and then this is what we shoot for the scene and then that's it.
They were definitely at B-Dubs and it was like, okay, you get two sides and they were like, okay, cool. Mashed potatoes and mashed potatoes. Can we just, but no mashed potatoes sub a bunch more chicken? No. It's like a really big up charge. Fine. Okay. I'm have to get the manager card. It's like when you ask for more meat, but you don't want double meat at Chipotle and the person has to be like, are you okay and you have to be like, please let me cheat at the meat.
I haven't had a lot of wins and the right family might be comedy geniuses and I'm just basking in their reflection and then white. Like the moon to their son, please just put more meat in my burrito both for free. Okay. I will say one exception to this thing. They did learn the word chantral mushroom. Like that day. Yeah. And they're going to go, you mean short to rail? Shanturrellies. Shanturrellies. Yep. Whatever. It's like they're trying to pronounce my last name, Cecil.
They're like Cecil, Sean, to rallies. Yes, your beautiful wife at gunpoint. You have to teach every member of the right family to say chantrell within 24 hours. Impossible. Goodbye. She's not going to miss you. I'll plant chants on your grave. Shant. Yeah. Sean, it's Sean, Sean. Conqueror. I'm conqueror. Also, we get a great call forward here that never pays off. He goes, yeah, make sure you don't accidentally get poised in mushrooms. That would be terrible. That he's terracid max.
That he doesn't break eye contact. But then that never happens. Nothing happens. It's this is check off's mushroom. I like the idea of entire chicken lunch and then like, okay, go forage for sides. I guess don't get the point. I like the priorities. Also they have this fucking amazing moment, right? Because he has the bone in wings and he's supposed to eat it with the bones because he's a big foot. But we just watch him bite into a bone piece of chicken.
If you crop the camera yet, he's like, no, stuck into the roof. It's like, it's like your feet are piled to a dog. It splintered on the end. So sharp, actually, I can't go in or out with it. Please cut the camera. Get the plinzer with the talent. Hawks sound is amazing. That's why the sheriff talks the way he did from the beginning of the movie. He was originally in the chicken scene. He lost the soft palate to it.
There's also a scene too because they're doing this weird force perspective thing where they're on their knees filming up and it looks like this sheriff is like 17 feet tall. Yes. The guy is like four feet tall because they're actually, again, I feel like this is a point in the self-aware column. They knew like if I lean down and look a lot shorter, I think this is, I'm going to go with that. Shoot this like a gonzo porn, maybe everyone will understand.
Oh, and this is where Max like accuses him sort of. He accuses the sheriff of maybe being bigfoot without saying it. Yeah. He's like, I Googled you and I didn't find any, I didn't find any like, yeah, but the sheriff says, I know who you are now too, because I found your book and he throws the book. This is the worst book in the book. Can we all agree this is the worst book in the book? Yeah, the print shop cover folded around it.
Yeah. It's like a giant like inch and a half white margin around either. It is quite literally just an eight by 11 piece of paper taped to the side of a book. Honey, what is a book look like? What I've only seen the Bible. Is it a Bible? Oh, God. And then it's just taped around the outside. It's awesome. But yeah, he says, if you're not bigfoot, why don't you have a Facebook and the sheriff replies, I think you'll find your no longer welcome at your hotel. That was weird.
Yeah. So the bigfoot family either also owns his hotel without him knowing about it or they've got an in with the owner like he had to call that owner at the hotel that has a kitchen table and it's like, Hey, man, no person fat out on bigfoot. Will you kick him out of the room? Something like that. Yeah, because sure enough, now he heads back to his room and the hotel has kicked all of his stuff to the front door.
Yeah, but apparently, apparently bigfoot sheriff was like, yeah, kick him out, but like, be respectful with his stuff and put it in like a nice organized pile. Nicely pack his things back into his suit. Fold up his, his, his, you know, his bags and everything. And the roll up the sleeping bag, put it nice. There you go. There you go. Consider that a threat. But no, so he's like, Oh no, Sheriff. We're not done yet. So he calls the sheriff and says, look, I'd like to apologize to you.
And your family meet me at the cafe tonight and the sheriff replies, I don't want to, but I have to accept too because of the code free food. So I'll see you there. Bigfoot code. Here's my theory. My theory is the rights actually have this rule and are trying to normalize it through their movies. So they ever find out about us and they're like, fuck you, Jew boy, making fun of our movie.
Like I invite you to dinner in Alaska and they're going to be like, fuck you got to say I invite you to dinner on this X of tape under whatever. We got to remorage the house to meet him in Alaska. Fuck. So that night we cut to Max sneaking into the bigfoot house. They missed an opportunity to do the done done done done done done done done. Definitely missed it. They missed it because he again, he's this doctor said he can't sneak.
So he had to give him the note and then crawl on track throughout the entire scene. Right. So bigfoot's at the diner, seeing that like that was a fake out and he's bought himself time to now spy on the house, right? Max has right. That's the plan. But when we see bigfoot at the diner, when we see bigfoot sheriff at the diner, right? He turns to camera to us like Kevin space fourth wall in house of cars and says, you might think that, but I got a surprise for you. Yeah. So now he's talking to us.
It's a fourth wall knock. It's a fourth wall knock. Yeah. Absolutely. Least leaning over the fourth wall. This is again a point in a self-aware column. Oh, I think the family was in the car with him for real to go to the diner and the diner was actually closed in real life and they were like, fuck, but he like delivered a line here too that they use fine. We'll go to be there. You go. That's possible too. So yeah, Max sneaks around the house.
He finds a coffin with the sheriff's old clothes from 20 years ago. Why does he go straight to the mantle though? First, he spends a lot of time on the mantle. He does. And on a like a glass display case, he opens up. And it's like, oh, yeah, that's where they are. It's a big place in the bowling league. I don't know. That feels not with normal sast feet. You wouldn't. Yeah. Yeah. Finds a coffin sheriff's old clothes from 20 years ago. How do you know that the show? They're both the sheriff.
How do you know they're old clothes? Maybe it's just a dirty clothes he has. That's true. Could just be old dirty clothes. It's very possible. No, no. No, no, no. The both the sheriff's the word sheriff. Yeah, but he also finds an ancient Bible. Bible in English. This is the longest I've ever had to wait for a biblical payoff in a game. Yeah, I think it's pretty good. Straewinsky never really outwardly mentioned it. But you could tell sort of from the story itself it was.
But this was 100% the longest I've waited because I was like, I thought these people were like Jesus nuts. When is the Bible stuff going to come in and it's like, here's, here it is. Here it is. They can't get through the whole movie without it. Yeah. So he reads a little bit of the Bible. He reads a little bit of Genesis. But then there's a noise. What happened now? I couldn't see. So now I mean, I actually could not see the movies entirely fucking dark.
Yeah. For the next like eight minutes of the movie, it's entirely dark. He runs around. Nothing happens. The only reason I'm going to point this out is he's running and there's a grill, a suit in the dark and then the flashlight falls over just as he fell over because I watched this on Amazon free. V where they like give you the movie for free. Yeah. So that's right as he fell over and got tackled by Bigfoot. I got a free V ad.
I left so fucking hard because it was like, oh, no. Hey, girls, are you trying to do your laundry with regular wash? I laughed for a while and how he decides, how he decides to actually hide from the Bigfoot is he does the old duck and cover from when you were a kid and you had to go hide under your desk for a tornado or whatever. He's like, yep, he's, he leans forward and he covers his head. And that's when they cut to the tide commercial for me too.
So now that he's asleep, he's going to dream that same flashback he had earlier in the movie again, where he sees this ass watches and the eye of Saron. They'd a white there. But they've added to it this time apparently the Bigfoot caught him and held a big rock up to kill him. But then didn't. Big rock though. It's so huge. It's so funny. It's so big. It's so big. It's the size of his car. It's giant.
It's so funny because it's totally waitless because it's around the fence and it bounces and it bounces like something that is entirely made of Styrofoam. It's so funny. Right. So he wakes up from that memory and we hear the sheriff reading some Genesis, right? And this is where it is revealed that the rights or the people who made this movie think that Bigfoot is the giants mentioned in Genesis. Okay. That's what they really think, right? Like that's what they really think.
Yes. Okay. Because it's Genesis 6 and there's the talk of like the sons of the giant God people had sex with some humans and they playing their wives. Yeah. The children of that happening is Big Feet and that's still a thing in the way to be clear. The very next thing in the Bible is the flood that kills everything. So they think there were two Big Feet on the ark and they just forgot to mention that. Oh, we're just janitors. Okay. Well, I guess they're really good at dog paddling for 40 days.
They're just sitting on the outside. Is that the godliest thing is Big Feet? That's like, it's like a demigod race. Why would it be that? Is that the, I have God? Well, you know, they only got the feet from their parents. That's all they got. Okay. They were giants in those days, but it was really mostly foot based. Okay. I will, I will concede a point to Eli on that. Thank you. All right. Yeah, it takes a hard right into the right family here. It really does.
It's like, no. Yeah. So now we cut to one year later, we see another piece of paper taped onto a book. This is the secrets of Bigfoot revealed with the big white margins again. Like just make the image bigger or get a smaller prop book to tape it over either way, just you can do so many way. You can line it up. You can definitely line up and listen to this podcast. Listen to you. You think you're going to think I'm making a joke, but I am not.
We are now going to watch the big foots have a family meeting. They're sitting around the table and he's like, well, daddy blew it. Like I wrote a book about how we're all big foots and we are big foots. So you guys want to go to the woods? No, Stephanie, you can't bring your eye patch to the woods. We're returning to big feet. We have to leave. Right. I have to leave the stuff. So they're like, just going to leave this house and become like, we stay as big feet and live in the woods now.
That's the plan. That's the plan. Well, they're going to buy their time until they can reenter society and just try and live for 120 years or whatever. Yeah. Okay. So the movie is pro big feet because it's in the Bible. They're an oppressed people. Yeah. Not only are they pro big feet, but there's a dis hole scene is the guy saying, fucking shit, a fucking choke the fucking life out of that. I got to kill this guy. Or his fucking human fucking head off and shit down his neck.
And I'm supposed to be like, oh, no, that's the hero of the family. The hero of the family. You get it. You get it. He literally says he's like, I'll kill the next one. I fucked up hard core. That's on me. But daddy will kill the next one. I'm proud he will kill the next one. Chickens on me this week because I let the guy get away and name us big foot. And then for the outro of the movie, we get a news story being like, the home has been abandoned because that book said that they're bigfoot.
Are they bigfoot? I mean, probably they left when someone accused them of being bigfoot. I feel like that's comedic genius. That's a point in my column. Okay. And it ends with like the news saying all the locals are cutting down all the trees of the woods and being like bigfoot, bigfoot family. They're there bigfoot like they that why would they do that though? But that's the end that's seriously the end of the movie. Birding guys just stand there as a fucking climate change fuckers pissed off.
Okay. Seriously, they're done. Final question. How did the tally go? Is this movie self-aware? 13 to four itself away. It's got to come on. We want him put that picture with the pole in the Patriot. It's going to be worth more points than one. I'm going to redeem myself. Thank you. That picture's worth more points on our side. Not yours. No, we're saying it's genius. Yes. Shit. In place. Okay. This is like tradingers satire. Yeah. So tradingers. That's going to yeah. The cat. It's right.
Okay. It's shredding. It's for whatever. It's German. It's like good. Chantarels. Oh, okay. Fucking mozzarella over here. I'm sorry. Anthony Bourdain had stepped under the podcast for the outro. Walk a mole. Yeah. You're a fast. Okay. That's going to wrap it up. Big foot. Grip of the monster. That's not going to do it for the episode. Just yet, I guess we found another terrible movie for next week. Eli. What's on deck? Who?
Mania. 30 minutes of body horror that might just scar he then write forever. Terrifying. It did. We recorded it already. He's not okay. Today's 31st. Is that help? No. I want that to look forward to. We're going to bring episode 459 to a merciful close. Huge thanks to Cecil, as always, for joining us. Cecil, you got any cool podcast stuff going on? Anything to do in the house? I'm doing lawful assembly now. So you can check out lawfulpod.com. It's a law show that I do with a fellow that I met.
I'm known for 20 years, names Craig, and we're doing a podcast coming out every week. And so check it out if you get a chance. Hell yeah. Yeah. Of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity. If you'd like to help support the show, you can make a purpose of donation at patreon.com slash God Awful. That'll get your early access to an ad for version of every episode.
And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist, the skepticrat, D&D minus, and citation needed, available in all the podcast places. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMoviesAtGmail.com. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slantick of you, which are F-Sun Mars. While other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission.
Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Cecil and Eli, I'm Heath, promise to work hard, turn another chunk next week. Until then, review the Animal House clothes. Pop a big foot went on to puke up that chicken bone behind the couch. The big foot went on to make movies about themselves that nobody ever watched until one fateful day on GodawfulMovies. Okay, this one's real. The right family made a movie about the civil war. Yeah, they did.
Yep. I'll be offended if I'm not quite saving that for the Antietam live show coming up soon. I would never have half a donut that's so stupid. Yeah, of course, yeah, they were one of those awful companies that cuts the donuts in the free. All of these bolts have in front of the person. I'm eating one and a half and throwing the rest into garbage while I stare at you. I always, if I see anybody with a fucking half a donut, I check them into whatever's closest. I just try to hit them and do it.
Yeah. Yeah. It's like a bystander effect. Thank you. There should be good Samaritan law. Everything we all would do naturally was worse than stabbing with a sword. No, but like in real life, I would do something worse for real. Yeah, I would like slide tackle my side and break it. Yeah, clean. You go fast. That's nice. You don't deserve to escape into the veil. You don't have to snap. But because he's tripping, sorry, one second. I had a very funny bit. I mind about being mad.
Then neither of you said bless you. Bless you. I'm gonna do the bit. Just give me a second. So hard. He'll cry himself to say, oh, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. Yes, yes, yes. Do you understand? Yes, I do. I'm gonna do it. I do it. ?" I'm gonna do it again if I don't still say... Like that. Jesus, I feel like I could possibly just call him brother brother brother brother-on-the way. Come on.
So what's the next category? all rates reserved.