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I'm really excited to bring you tonight's episode, as I know it's one that a lot of you have been eagerly waiting for. A brand new tale with a lovable cat named Augie. As with all episodes of this series, it was written by Alicia Stephan and will be narrated by Simon. Like most felines, Augie is rather opinionated, and she maintains her role as queen of her castle, even though she is sometimes challenged by her humans. And lately...
their other cat, Meatball. In this fourth installment of the series, we'll enjoy an unusual spring morning at Augie's house. while she supervises the humans during their annual spring cleaning. She doesn't necessarily approve of every activity they undertake, especially the noisy ones. But she faithfully stands watch until she is just too sleepy to go on. Now don't worry if you've never met Augie before.
You can enjoy this adventure all on its own and go back to listen to her previous stories another time. Let's prepare ourselves for this dreamy tale by getting as cozy and comfortable as possible. and then enjoying a few moments of deep relaxation. If you've listened to the show for a fair while now, Hopefully at this point, your brain somewhat auto-triggers into a deeper state of calm and restfulness, knowing that it's time to leave the day behind.
and transition into the comforting peace of night. There may be some routine things you tend to do at this point. to help you find that place of relaxation in the body and mind. And if so, You're welcome to just follow your own ritual for the next few moments. But if you would prefer, you can join me. In taking a few deep breaths, allowing tension to rise into the shoulders as you breathe in, and letting it all flow down and out.
through the tips of your toes with each exhale. So, breathe in slowly and gently. squeezing your shoulders and holding the tension there for a moment. Then, breathe out and release all of it. Again, breathe in and squeeze the shoulders up to your neck. Then breathe out and feel the tension flow down. and out of your body. One more time, breathing in, holding at the top. and enjoying the soothing release as the tension flows out. Now,
As Augie would remind us, sleep is of the utmost importance, and everything else really must wait. So, Snuggle up and prepare to ignore everything other than your peaceful rest. It's time for me to hand over to Simon. as our story begins. Orgy had been at the window for some time when the coffee machine sprang to life. Issuing its cheerful gurgles and pops,
it began filling up its tall silver pot. Just like it did every day at this time, the aroma of the people's morning drink wafted through the kitchen. eventually reaching Augie, where she sat on the back of the couch. She was looking out the window, of course, surveying the yard. The sky... was just beginning to get light. She could see tiny green buds dotting the branches of the trees. Although the window was closed against the chill,
She could almost feel the brisk air that would touch her nose if she were allowed outside on the deck. Still, indoors... This oddly comforting morning drink smell was appealing as well. And also, she thought to herself, it meant that it was time for her to go stomp on the people in their bed. As she noiselessly ascended the carpeted stairs, she yawned and reflected on the lazy humans. What would they do, she wondered, if Augie were not there to wake them each morning?
Their sacred morning drinks would get cold, for starters. The small humans would not make it to the yellow bus on time. Everything would be in shambles. she thought with disapproval. She entered the largest bedroom. There they were, the man and the lady, huddled. like two lumps under their covers, snoozing away. And between them, a tiny orange clump breathed rhythmically, its fur expanding.
and contracting in a predictable rhythm. The kitten, whose name was Meatball, was obviously kissing up to the humans again. Augie thought, with mild annoyance, how any self-respecting feline would be up already, taking care of cat business. Augie hopped up on the brown wicker hamper. and observed the three of them for just a moment. Then, in a swift movement, she jumped onto the bed, pushing the hamper to the side as she kicked off.
It fell over with a satisfying thud, and a t-shirt tumbled out of the top. The man stirred, but he did not open his eyes. Meatball... quivered in his sleep and flipped over into another furry clump. Augie had hoped for better, but she knew from experience that it might take a few tries. to get the humans up. Stepping across the lady, she squeezed her considerable girth onto the small nightstand and knocked some hand cream to the ground.
making a place for herself to sit. This got Meatball's attention. Instantaneously, his little head popped out of its cozy environs, his enormous ears perking up. He stared at Augie with a wide gaze and waited. The lady opened one eyelid. and then closed it, muttering testy words in Augie's direction. But getting that small response showed Augie that victory was nigh.
She leaned over and began lapping from the drinking glass on the lady's bedside table. Augie's pink tongue splashed loudly as she took in the lukewarm water. At this, the lady woke completely and made an irritated noise, rising quickly to a seated position. The man rolled over, propped himself up. and laughed, murmuring words to the lady. Meatball struggled into a seated position, looking confused but interested. His fur...
stuck out in every direction. The sure sign of a kitten who had slept well. Game. Set. Match. The family was up. The lady took the glass away, which was fine. After all, Augie hadn't really been very thirsty. The man disappeared into the hallway. Augie knew he would return. with the fragrant morning drink in two cups. Feeling very pleased with herself, she retreated to the bottom of the bed and began to give herself a bath.
The morning was proceeding as planned. The humans moved quietly around, turning on taps in the bathroom and walking in and out of the windowless room. where they kept all the clothing. This did not concern Augie. She finished her bath and then turned several times in a circle, collapsing heavily. into a napping position with her tail over her nose. She was feeling very sleepy. She drifted in and out of slumber
vaguely aware of the morning business being conducted around her. Meanwhile, Meatball staggered to the end of the bed, stretching his long limbs comically. He was going through a growth stage where his arms, legs, and ears seemed to be outpacing his body. Cracking one eyelid open, Augie thought to herself, that it was not his best look. But then she happily closed her eyes again and resumed resting. At some point...
Augie's nose detected fresh, cool air moving through the room. She awakened and saw that the people had made a crack in the window, allowing the outside to come in. Rousing herself, she hopped off the bed and investigated at the windowsill. The window crack might just be large enough, she thought. Hesitating only once, she leapt lightly up into the window and flattened herself to an impressive degree squeezing into the open space.
It was a little tight, but she tried to make it look easy. After all, she thought, a cat must retain her dignity. She sat like that. while the big humans got the small humans out of bed, preferring to remain out of the fray. Eventually, the commotion upstairs stopped, and the people... All went downstairs, with the excitable meatball skittering joyfully behind them. In the blessed silence that remained, Augie reflected on how her right side...
Facing out was pleasantly cool. Meanwhile, her left side, facing inward, was quite warm. But then, all this deep reflection. was too much for her, and she closed her eyes and thought about breakfast. When she heard the thud of the front door closing, as it did every day behind the little humans, She knew her meal was imminent. She squeezed out from under the window sash and fell rather indelicately to the floor where she gathered her composure.
unseen by anyone else. Then, every inch the queen of the house, she strutted purposefully toward the stairs and descended. Just as she did, she heard the bowls being placed on the floor. At this, she picked up her pace slightly. She didn't want Meatball to get his eager little whiskers into her bowl. Augie had a few moments to prevent that scenario, since Meatball was currently chowing on his own food, which was served in a cutesy little dish next to her own.
She viewed him with mild distaste as she lowered herself by her meal and laid into her own breakfast. Augie didn't want to hurry. In fact... she preferred to stretch her meals out a bit. But ever since Meatball had arrived a few months ago, she'd learned that to leave any food behind... was to risk losing it to her youthful challenger. He did seem to be hungry all the time. As a result of her concern, Augie and Meatball
finished their breakfast portions simultaneously a few minutes later. As she sipped from one side of the pet fountain, she watched Meatball getting his snout wet on the other side. He smacked away at the water with obvious delight, not caring at all that he had droplets on his whiskers and the fur of his face. It was par for the course. He'd been here for simply weeks, Augie thought, and his manners had barely improved. She was sitting nearby, pondering her next move.
when Augie heard a commotion in the next room. She strolled in that direction, with Meatball trotting cheerfully at her heels. Orgy ignored him as she sat down and watched the human lady do some odd things. First, the woman stood some tall sticks in the corner. Orgy... had seen these before. The humans tended to walk them around the room, pressing them on the floor. One of them made a whisk, whisk sound.
that she found a bit alarming. The other had long tentacles that she felt compelled to watch carefully. There was also a plastic bucket. which the lady took to the sink turning the water on full blast while it filled she opened and closed cabinets slamming them in a rude and noisy manner Orgy was transfixed and repelled by all this unusual morning busyness. She didn't flee, as it seemed important to keep tabs on the situation.
But she did flatten her ears in annoyance, attempting to block some of the many sounds assaulting her ears. Meatball seemed unconcerned. He skittered over to the sticks, wiggled his hindquarters comically, and then pounced on them. When he did this... One of the sticks was dislodged from its resting position against the wall and went crashing to the ground. In his inexperience, Meatball had not seen this coming.
and he jumped in the air, making a beeline for the upstairs. Augie watched him tear up the steps, lodging his claws in the carpet to gain traction. Then... She turned her gaze calmly back to the fallen stick, which was lying on the floor. At that moment, the water in the sink was turned off. It was quiet again. Excellent. But a respite was not to last. The lady went bustling importantly across the room.
with the bucket in her hand. Meanwhile, on the other side of the living room, the man bent over to push a button, and Augie knew what was coming. The roaring, sucking robot creature was being activated. This was certainly an unwelcome development. Having started this commotion, the man took the bucket from the lady's hand, picked up the two sticks and trudged into the lower level of the house.
Borgie's relationship with the robot vacuum was largely hostile. She had quickly learned she needn't fear it, but she loathed its long and raucous cleaning sessions. It roamed with no apparent pattern, making it impossible for her to choose a safe spot anywhere within its reach. But more than that, it dislodged... and inconvenienced her and she took exception with that. As a result, she felt it necessary to exert her dominance by refusing to budge.
When the vacuum came near her, she was compelled to sit very still and appear unflappable as it bounced against her feet, trying to drive through her. Sometimes... She would scoot back and give it a swat with her paw, whisking her tail out of its path. In short, the robot vacuum was not the boss of her, but it was certainly... an inconvenience. Meatball had not yet learned how to behave around the robot, and he had even gone so far as to hop on top of it, riding in circles.
as if they were friends. But he would soon be too large to do this, and she knew he would eventually have to take his rightful stance as its natural-born enemy. In the meantime, it was best he was not there while it was loose. Augie stood her ground as the vacuum circled. Meanwhile... She was dimly aware that the lady had gone upstairs. Augie was torn. Did she remain here to monitor the robot? Or did she leave to find out what was going on?
in the upper floor. Between the lady human and meatball, there was no telling what calamities could occur up there without her supervision. Orgy eyed the vacuum as it became trapped under a dining room chair. The machine turned and bumped, turned and bumped, too stupid to find its way out. Satisfied that the robot wouldn't be able to do any major harm she slowly turned and loped up the stairs to investigate the situation there.
As she approached the door to the grown-up bedroom, she saw a flurry of white sheets flying through the air. Meatball scampered across the open doorway clearly. overexcited. Augie approached cautiously and watched as the lady pulled all the bedclothes and even the bed skirt off. She pushed the linens into piles. Then she sprinkled some kind of white powder all over the bed and began vacuuming the mattress.
was perplexed. How very odd, she thought. She had seen the bedclothes removed before, but this was really beyond the pale, and she felt it. to be unnecessarily disruptive. To make matters worse, the lady turned on some kind of music and began singing tunelessly along. Energized by the cacophony, the woman then opened up a stepladder, which gave way with a creaking protest. Having done so, she stood upon the second step and...
Taking a fluffy duster in her hand, she began wiping the ceiling fan. A shower of dust bunnies was released into the air, floating serenely downward. At this, Meatball could no longer contain himself. He jumped up on the bed and stood on his ungainly little legs, swatting uselessly at the puffs as they fell. The lady scolded him and pushed him off the bed, patting his bottom with the feather duster. Not to be so easily removed, he twisted around
and attacked the duster with great vigor, kicking it with his rabbit-like feet as if his life depended on it. Augie backed herself into a corner and thought, What an undignified spectacle it all was. The lady, on the other hand, did not really seem angry with Meatball. She laughed to see that his gyrations... had caused him to tumble off the bed, landing in the pile of bedding on the floor. Showing the resiliency of youth
Meatball wasn't even flustered by his unplanned landing on the sheets. Forgetting the duster entirely, he took several menacing stances, attacking the white cloud beneath him. from various angles. Augie watched him from the corner, oddly fascinated. Was there a creature underneath? Had he lost a toy in there? It was complete nonsense. She would reserve her energy for more important pursuits. As Meatball wore himself out on the floor,
The lady picked up a hand vacuum and began sucking up the powder from the mattress in even orderly strokes. This appealed to Augie, and she cautiously approached. to sniff that part of the mattress. She stood on her hind legs, her ears alert, and observed as the white powder disappeared row by row. Then, propelled by an irresistible urge, she hopped up on the clean section and sat watching until the very end. Soon, she found herself in the center...
of a huge immaculate square. It was extremely satisfying, she thought. She would stay there for a few more minutes. The lady hummed to herself. and walked around vacuuming the stray dust bunnies that had fallen from the fan earlier. Meatball followed her, poking his nose toward the vacuum attachment and then jumping backward. when it made a loud sound. Thankfully, the hand vacuum and its hose were soon silenced and placed in a corner. The lady bustled into the bathroom.
and Augie heard the shushing noise of something being sprayed over and over again. Hopping off the bed, she walked to the door and sat on the edge of the carpet. unwilling to step on the tiled portion inside. The lady human was in there with yellow, rubbery things on her hands, and she was kneeling at the large water reservoir. Augie liked this place. She often sat inside it during the night, thinking about how pleasant it was. Its sides were cool and dry and clean.
It made an excellent hiding spot. At the moment, however, her hiding place was covered in foam, which the lady was spreading all around. Soon... There was water spraying everywhere as well. An artificial floral scent wafted out of the bathroom as the foam was washed away. Soon, the lady stood up. and moved into the glass box where the people bathed standing up. She began covering that place with foam too. But this was one of Augie's favorite things.
She was dimly aware of Meatball entering the bathroom and sitting behind her as she stalked energetically to the glass walls. Augie sat outside... while the lady sang to herself, spraying inside. Then she watched as the glass was covered in swirls while the lady scrubbed, obscuring herself from sight. Craning her neck left and right, Orgy tried to see inside. Colors swirled, and the foam distorted her view. And then...
The best part began. The lady backed out of the box and turned on the water hose, spraying it all over the inside of the glass walls. Sensing the importance of this moment, Meatball rushed to Augie's side, and they both began tracking the falling drops, trying to stop them from falling. Maddeningly, even Augie, with her greater prowess, couldn't seem to trap the little orbs under her paws. They skittered unpredictably, left, right.
left as the cats dashed madly from one side of the wall to the other. Then, when Augie was nearly beside herself, the lady began to wipe the drops away. with a rubber blade. The blade erased the trails of water one by one, creating a clear clean window into the bathing area once again. And then... The water was gone. Regarding the glass for another moment, Augie immediately transitioned back to boredom and stalked back to the carpeted area.
Meatball, on the other hand, poked about the bathroom, looking for a place to make trouble. Augie knew that he wouldn't find anything to do. The people were totally devoted to locking up the interesting things in their bathing room. It was terribly tedious. Augie was drawn to the hallway. by the stairs. A lady was there, piling bedsheets from all the rooms onto the floor. She opened up the doors
of the mysterious closet holding the spinning machines. Oh, how Augie loved these white giants, with their hypnotic tumbling and the window that made clothing go around and around. They were also very warm, which suited her quite well. She would have liked to get on top of them, but she was unfortunately a bit too unwieldy to reach such a height.
It was an ongoing disappointment to her. The lady continued singing to herself and piled many of the bedsheets into the spinning machine, then turned it on. With a whoosh, it began to fill with water, singing its mysterious song. Then, to Augie's dismay, the lady briskly closed the doors, trapping. the humming machines inside to do their work in darkness. As if she hadn't just done something very inconsiderate, she simply turned and went downstairs.
Augie waited a moment and looked around. As she did, Meatball went scampering past and trotted down the steps himself. Torn between the desire for solitude... and her curiosity, she soon grudgingly followed. But just as far as the middle landing of the staircase, where she could observe the main level unseen. The robot vacuum had returned to its resting place. Seeing this filled Augie with relief. Now, the man was in the living room.
taking all the things off the coffee table and stacking them on the floor. He was wiping the surface with a cloth. Tentatively, Augie finished descending the staircase. and sat at the edge of the room, observing the piles of large, flat books and the other knick-knacks standing about. Then... Drawn irresistibly to the largest, glossiest book, she walked over and sat right in the middle of it. Looking around her, she felt very satisfied with this perch.
and resolved to stay there for a few more moments. In fact, she began to feel drowsy and lay all the way down, squeezing her large bottom within the confines of the book and folding up her paws so that she resembled a loaf of bread. Out of the corner of her eye, she spied Meatball, who was sniffing... delicately at nearby candles and picture frames. He swatted experimentally at one of the photos, and it fell over, making no sound as it hit the carpet.
However, he obviously found this disappointing and soon walked away. Just when Augie was about to fall asleep, the man woke her with an audacious push. He spoke words in her direction and pulled the book right out from under her, placing it back on the table. Having been so inconsiderately ejected from her napping perch, Augie decided to retire to her cat bed. But to her annoyance, Meatball, who had never learned boundaries, was curled up there fast asleep.
How had he started napping so quickly? She marveled. One moment ago, he'd been gambling about the room, and now he was hogging her bed. Feeling very put out, she resolved to make use of the big human bed upstairs. She climbed the steps again, comforted by the distant humming of the washing devices. as she headed back to the big bedroom. It was very peaceful up there. Both Meatball and the humans were otherwise occupied now.
She sensed that she was completely alone. With a light spring, she landed on the soft, quilted surface of the exposed mattress. It was so seldom all uncovered like this, and she relished its cushiony bumps. Turning three times, she settled into an enormous, silky ball. with her tail over her nose. However, Augie was not yet to have her nap. Within moments, the lady had appeared.
She began talking to Augie with some sort of nonsense. Cocking one ear at the human nearby, Augie looked lazily out from underneath half-closed lids. and ignored her. But just a moment later, a huge white sheet floated above Augie's head and then fell upon her, covering the entire bed. Lying very still, Augie waited. This was the most exciting thing that had happened all day. She didn't move a muscle.
But she sensed the lady on the other side of the sheet, also immobile. It was a battle of wills. The human... was trying to make her move from the bed. But she underestimated Augie's ability to blend in and be quiet. Feeling delighted, Augie waited. She won this game, in one sense, because the lady soon lost her patience and once again pulled the sheet from the bed. But she lost her spot.
because she soon found herself being firmly prodded and pushed to the edge, until she was forced to stand up, fur rumpled, and get down. With Augie's spot on the mattress still warm, the lady proceeded to put all the sheets back on the bed, tucking and folding until it looked normal again. This made Augie feel very grouchy indeed, and she huffed back down the stairs, hoping Meatball had finished his nap and that she could return to her bed.
Alas, her personal retreat was still partly occupied by the orange interloper. Morgie approached the bed and stared. hoping the kitten would feel her accusatory presence and leave. He did not. Therefore, there was nothing else to do. but climb in with him. Stepping awkwardly around his sleeping form, Orgy dropped heavily on the bed, managing to tuck herself inside after a few earnest attempts in the end only her tail trailed off the side magnificent in its poofy volume
She admired it briefly. It had been a very unusual morning, Augie thought, as her eyes grew heavy. In his sleep, Meatball purred softly and wiggled, tucking his nose further under his paws. Orgy looked at the kitten. with a familiar mixture of irritation and acceptance. He did at least contribute some heat to their napping spot. In the distance, the floor stick was going whisk, whisk, whisk. The washing devices were going swish, swish, swish.
and hum hum hum. The lady's music was warbling quietly from very far away. The bathroom tap turned on with a shush and then off again. Chirping very sweetly through the half-opened windows, Orgy could hear a happy little bird that said, spring is here. With that pleasant thought, she was soon asleep. In her dreams, little tiny drops danced and coursed down glass walls. And it was good.