Enlifted Essentials 10: Write It Down

What if mindset coaching was focused on being practical instead of just being positive? Practical, as in, you could practice it. Welcome to Unlifted Essentials. In these mini episodes, you'll learn the enlisted system of practical mindset tools to unlock freedom and confidence for yourself and your clients. Let's do this.

Mark, man, I've been really working so hard on my business and my coaching and I just keep trying really hard to be even better, to make more money, get more sales. I'm trying to post on Instagram. I'm trying to work my email list. I'm over here trying to make sure that I'm taking enough certifications and getting...

all the information that I need. And I hear one thing from this guy over here. I hear another thing from this guy over here. And then my clients come into the session and they are just like, I don't know what to do with them to help them even more. They're just stuck. And it's not like they don't get it. I'm telling them they have to work out. They have to eat better. They need to drink water. And I don't understand why they won't do it.

tried the positive mindset approach I've tried really like sitting with them and making sure that they understand each component but it's like it's exhausting me like how many times can I tell you the same thing And how many times are you just going to ignore me? Here's a pen, Kimberly. I'm actually handing her a pen. Write all that down. So as she's fictitiously, great rant, by the way. Thank you. Writing all that down.

Once upon a time, a client came in and Kimberly wouldn't know anything about machine gun mouth. A client came in and sat down and she just machine gunned first and foremost herself. But I'm as the coach. I'm tracking four or five key avenues of psychological and emotional inflammation in her story. And I would ask questions and she would...

briefly answer them and then get right back into the machine gunning process. It was a very chaotic start to the session. And I asked her repeatedly to slow down. And she couldn't. So finally, light bulb goes off in Mark's head. He gets a pen, hands it to her and a piece of paper, and I said, write all that stuff down. She goes, what do you mean? I said, everything that you just said, write it down.

We need to get this on paper so we can much more easily change the storytelling process. look at the words and get on the same page about the words. And what that did, it happened actually three times in one week. And that was the start. This was, I've been coaching 15 years. This was 12, 13 years ago, it started off a process of me having, knowing to get my clients to write things down and then...

Deeply understanding the value of having stories, specific events written down on paper and the difference. that it makes in the coachability the malleability of the story so here's how it goes folks bet the farm that your clients have not written down, negation acknowledged. I hear all my negation. They have not written down the stories of ouch and pain and woe, whether it's a generalized rant like

Kimberly just did, or a specific memory about the divorce when they were seven and a half that every time they think about it, it haunts them to this day. Most people walk around with their stories. of ouch and sting and pain and woe kept in their head. Now, a story kept in their head about a specific event. We'll go specific. It is very difficult to... coach them through that story to a better perspective and a down-regulated nervous system in context of that story in comparison.

to a story that's written down. So a story kept in your head is seemingly infinite. Where does it start? Where does it stop? There's the worst part, stress response, ouch, and then we go on to the next thing. We want to externalize these stories to get distance and perspective and... Take them from being these big picture, overwhelming experiences. Story kept in the head. They're still in the story. They're participating still. Time does not apply to the emotional body. And once...

We get that story first things first. There's four steps to what we call the four-step story work process, four-stepping a story, which is foundational to the Enlifted method.

It is the Swiss Army tool of the Enlifted method. We use it so often. First things first, have them title the specific. story, or you can do rants too, and write the damn thing out. It might take four whole minutes in a coaching session. That's okay. Again, from the premise that very, very, very Likely, they've kept the stories in their head. Get it on paper. So step one, title it and write it out conversationally, as in full sentences with punctuation.

err on the side of more detail, then less, and write out what happened. This is very different than journaling about how we feel about what happened way back then. Once the story is written out, Both you and your client are now on the same page in the sense that you're both looking at the same configuration of language, the same configuration of words. It went from seemingly infinite in your head to finite. There's a beginning word and there is...

an end word. That's a big deal. Step two, read it out loud. Read what is written on the paper. And as an important side note, very frequently bet on it that they're going to have an emotional response. At some point in time to doing this particular process and negation, you do not know when it's going to happen. I've seen people have their peak emotional response to the story as in.

They hit the highest note, the most intense emotional feels at the thought of writing it down. I've seen people cry when they're writing it out, okay? Or when they say it for the first time. Step two, they read what they wrote. Great. Step three, what do you do from there? You have them read that same story that they wrote down slower. Slow it down by about 30%.

of your normal rate of speech. When someone slows down their rate of speech, they breathe better. The breathing loosens up and it starts to descend back down into the abdomen. You want that. This is a process of down-regulation. Then step four is where, and we're going to keep this very simple for purposes of... easily applying this method. At each period, you have them take a big breath in and a full exhale.

What that's going to do, it's literally, you're literally airing out the story. Okay. And if you watch people enough and having them knowing to pay attention to. rate of speech and how they're breathing when people are telling you their problematic stories, most of the time when people get into their stories that are troubling them, they're going to say them quickly and the breath is trapped in the chest. When the breath is trapped in the chest...

The picture is in their face. It is subjective. They're still in the story. So what you want to do is you want to externalize the story. Step one, write it out. Title it and write it out. Step two, have them read what they wrote. Step three, read what they wrote at 30% of their normal rate of speech. And then step four, take a big inhale.

And a big exhale at the period. And what that's going to do, mechanically speaking, we're committed to the how in EnLifted. There's a difference between why do I talk myself out of opportunity and how do I talk myself up. out of opportunity. There's a difference between why do I feel like I'm never good enough and how do I feel like I'm never good enough? Focus on the process. Focus on the how.

And what that's going to do is as they get more of their breath into the story, the picture is going to move out from their face. They're going to go from being in the story to observing the story. It's going to go from subjective to...

It's going to go from in their face to they're watching it play out. So here's back to where I started with the story about the divorce. Once the story is titled and written out, let's pretend that there are... Two paragraphs with four sentences each in each paragraph, okay? So it's now on paper. I had someone on one of our current level one certifications say, yeah, it's kind of like you trapped the story. And I was like, dude, that's a great way to describe it. Take out the kind of.

We're trapping these stories that have been ping-ponging around in our head and really causing problems and being building blocks of the victim mentality. What builds the victim mentality? unresolved stories of painful stories that still hold a meaning about us and our life in them. And the meaning and the, think of the emotions and feelings that are in those stories, folks, as the glue. And then the belief system, the idea, the opinion, that's, it's code and it is informing.

with the help of our reticular activating system, how we interpret what happened back then and also what it means about us now. So step one, title it, write it out. Step two, read it. Step three, read it slow. At some point in time, they're going to pop. It's good. You want that. You want the emotion up and out. Step four. Here's what step four could look like, would look like for that divorce story. So remember, two paragraphs, four sentences each.

And just so you know, on a side note, when it comes to divorce stories, most of the time, the most shocking part of the story is when the children are told that the parents are getting a divorce and half the time it's done in the kitchen. Mom and dad sit myself and my sister down in the kitchen. Mom is crying and can't look at us. Dad is stone cold and stoic as usual. My little sister is already crying, and I don't know what's about to happen. My father tells us that...

He and my mom are getting a divorce. He's going to get an apartment across town and we're going to stay in the house with mom. He said, this is for the best, and it has nothing to do with us. My little sister is under the table crying. And I can't help thinking that this is somehow my fault. Be prepared using this technique with people. Because they are going to have an emotional response a vast majority of the time, which needs to happen. It's a natural, healthy part.

of transitioning or transforming our opinion about what happened and taking it personal to becoming a more objective, evolved person. from that experience or changing the meaning that we assign to it. Because very rarely is it the story that gets us. Very rarely is it the story. It's the meaning that we assign to the story. So it's not the divorce that gets that.

that little boy or that man now. It's the meaning that he assigned to it back then. If somehow I was better, this wouldn't be happening. Hence, I'm not good enough. Hence, a telephobia.

percolating out in other areas of his life as a 38-year-old man. And they're going to have an emotional response at some point in time between writing it out.

reading it, reading it slow, reading it with breath. You as a coach, on your side of the street, get your breath and keep your breath low and slow because your clients are going to have emotional responses and what you want to do is to Maintain great breathing mechanics while you coach when your clients are having emotional responses and releases because if you tighten up when they tighten up, if you lock your breath high and tight.

and get your breath trapped in your chest, send yourself into a stress response about it, then what you're doing with your client is called trauma bonding. And at the very least, you become a poor listener in comparison to how well you can listen and help a client navigate a story when you're breathing low and slow. If we want to get a little weird and woo-woo, think. Ghostbusters. You get slimed. If you lock up with your client, then you are now connecting with them on some strange...

in some strange ways that I speculate about. I've had some interesting experiences doing that because the first three years I only had the breathing piece. I didn't have it when I first started coaching and I would do a lot of coaching sessions during the day and I would just felt wrecked and drained because I was holding my breath when they would get emotional. Think about it this way. Write this down. This is great.

High and tight. We're talking about breath. High and tight creates the fight. Low and slow creates the flow. Get your breath low and slow. Keep it there. You will facilitate. transformation much more easily for your clients and you'll keep your emotional and psychological gas tank high. So to recap, the specific, the story, most of your clients

Bet it. They haven't written these stories out, the stories that haunt them. Get them to title it specifically and write it out step one. Step two, when they're ready and you're ready, have them read what they wrote. Step three, have them read it slow. People slow down their rate of speech. The breath loosens up. Step four, take a big breath in, big breath out at the period.

and watch the magic happen. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Mark. You're telling me, I could facilitate a session like that? I'm a fitness coach. I'm a nutrition coach. I'm a business coach. I'm here to help my clients solve a problem. I can't go into their divorce stories and their childhood traumas. What do you mean? Come on, really? You could. It's not that you can't. You could.

And I totally understand there are some coaches that want to stay out of that area of work with their clients. And if that's the case, stay out of it. It's very simple. Some coaches. They want to go deeper with their clients into these stories. If you do, this is a very tried and tested. Tool technique that I personally have used on everything between

procrastination and war crimes and torture, real heavy shit, and a bunch of variety of unfortunate incidences in between. And it works on the mechanics of storytelling. I'm not their negation acknowledged to tell them how they could or should think or see the situation. I'm there to facilitate a process of them externalizing their story, peeling the emotional layers of the onion.

And going from still being in that story and having it mean something very significant about them in their life to being the observer of the story. And they will 99.99% of the time change their mind. on their own. So that liberates me fundamentally, strategically, technically speaking, from being a know-it-all coach. I've got to know everything. I've got to have all the right answers all the time. I used to coach like that. It's low level compared to having a great set of tools to help.

dismantle these stories, knowing to keep my breath low and slow, and keep asking good questions. It's a clean, clean way to coach. Dare we say you might create some space and clarity for your clients. Those two words, everybody, are synonymous with the enlifted method. Space and clarity. When you know how to create space and clarity for your clients, they're going to improve their...

their perspective and their identity on their own, which is now going back to the coaches that want to stay out of that arena, totally get it. The people that want to go into those. areas of their story. What do you think your clients are bumping up into, whether you're a presentation coach or a nutrition coach or a singing coach or an MMA coach? So there's the aspect of their life that you're helping them with, the skill set that you're helping them develop, and then there's their identity.

Bet the farm that your client is showing up with some part of them that is bought into them as not good enough, as a failure. Some part of them is... fundamentally emotionally psychologically antithetical for them to them making progress in these areas like a fitness coach you know how are you gonna how are you gonna help Your clients deal with the belief that they're not an athlete. Okay, where is that coming from?

Very likely that's coming from an experience or experiences they had when they were a child. Maybe they got picked last for dodgeball or they got picked on for being a little bit chubby when they were young and they have these emotional experiences. and create the meaning, assign a meaning to those experiences. Oh, well, I'm not athletic. I'm not an athlete. So they show up as an adult to your training sessions.

Part of them is there to get better, and then part of them is convinced that they've got this, well, I'll just say that they're not athletic. What do you do about that? Well, if you want to do something about that, you can do a lot about that. Get them into those stories of ouch and pain and sting and woe. Externalize them. Four-step them. Watch what happens. You will liberate that. mental and emotional real estate, and they will become much more coachable. That translates to transformation.

And the more transformation that you can deliver to your clientele, the more valuable of a coach you become and get ready for referrals. So our mindset and our identity and the beliefs we hold about ourselves. is underneath the skill set that we're learning? A thousand percent. It's in conjunction with it.