Hello everyone and welcome to Gay Men Going Deeper. This is a podcast by the Gay Men's Brotherhood where we talk about personal development, mental health and sexuality. We are your hosts. We have Matt Lansdol. He is a counselor and facilitator specializing in healing and empowerment. Reno Drosten is a spiritual, life, love and business coach. And I am Michael Deurrio, a life and wellness coach specializing in sexuality, relationships and self-confidence.
We each have our own private practice and in this podcast we are sharing all of our best stuff. Today we are talking about social anxiety in groups of gay men. The questions we will be impacting today are what kinds of situations stir up social anxiety for you and why do you think that is? What strategies have you found helpful in managing your social anxiety in group situations?
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All right, today we're talking about social anxiety as a broader topic and then more specifically social anxiety in groups of gay men. So I did a bit of research on this topic before we jump in. So I want to share a little bit of that with you guys that'll help get the ball rolling. So the definition of social anxiety one that I found is that it is the feeling of intense fear or worry about social situations.
It can make people afraid of being judged embarrassed or humiliated in front of others. Now I know this feeling well, but something that I struggled with in the past.
And I still do from time to time. I'll talk about that later. But for a long time, my is effective in my career specifically because I was afraid of speaking up in meetings and even refused certain jobs and didn't apply for certain jobs, even though I wanted them because that job would require me to be in front of people more often. And I just didn't want to do it.
So that kind of got to me. It also impacted my in my personal life, my ability to make friends because for a long time, and I still do from time to time, I was so in my head in group environments that I wasn't even fully present and I wasn't able to really connect with people. I was kind of I was like, am I being awkward and then I was being awkward because I was thinking of being awkward and it was just a hot mess of a situation inside my mind.
So it was a barrier to connection. And like I said, it does continue to flare from time to time. And we'll talk a bit more about that later. Now, not all social anxiety is the same. And I want to I want us to think about it on a spectrum or a scale rather from one to four. Okay, and I'll go through those quickly with you now.
So level one would be mild. This is feeling nervous before presentation or maybe nervous before meeting some new people. It's a feeling like a self conscious feeling or worry just about being awkward. So what I was just explaining. But you're still able to attend. You're still able to participate. You're still able to engage. It's uncomfortable, but manageable.
And so we're going to call that moderate. This is where you're avoiding certain social situations like parties or bars or large gatherings, perhaps because there's a fear or anxiety that's so strong. So you just avoid them. And if you do attend, you may go there and overthink and overanalyze all of your interactions with other people. So thoughts in your mind might be like, oh my god, I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have done that.
I'm not going to place your people are talking about me people are laughing at me. And so you have this visceral discomfort in these large gatherings or some social gatherings. The third level is severe. This is an intense fear and avoidance of social situations, including everyday interactions like going to the store or striking up a conversation with other people.
And everyday situation like in an elevator, for example, and a key marker of the severe is that it starts to interfere with your daily life, whereas with one and two doesn't interfere so much with your daily life. Okay. And then the fourth level is social anxiety disorder. This is a diagnosed mental health condition. And it's when your social anxiety is so severe that it causes significant problems in your professional and personal life.
It's a constant fear of social situations. You're avoiding the middle costs. And there's even physical manifestations and physical symptoms like sweating, trembling and nausea. Now, this was meant for educational purposes. Please do not self diagnose yourself based on what I've just said. I recommend speaking to a mental health professional to get a comprehensive understanding of where you are at on this spectrum. Okay, do not diagnose yourself. Please.
All right. So that's social anxiety in general. We are talking about it today in the context of groups of gay men. This is a very unique flavor that we are all aware of. And I think it's important that we talk about it. We get sometimes a little bit anxious and afraid specifically in groups of gay men. It's a unique flavor. Some people feel totally fine and they're okay in groups of stray people. No problem.
Some people are fine when they're at work and their professional setting great. But all of a sudden when it comes to groups of gay men, that's when the social anxiety flares up. So that's where we want to talk about today. And Matt Reno and I wanted to do this episode because connection is such an important pillar of what we're doing with the game as brotherhood and our community. We are really building a community here. Right.
So we see this anxiety as a very common block for a lot of guys. We see this all the time. Even in my own men's groups with Wollismo. I've been doing this for years now. The standard pattern is people are so nervous to come in. They're so nervous to join. They're feeling. I don't know about this. I'm very skeptical. I'm afraid they're not sure. But for whatever reason they take the chance and I'm really happy and thankful that they do.
Because after those six, eight, ten weeks, whatever the program is, they leave feeling so much more optimistic about interactions with gay people. They feel a lot more comfortable and confident sharing with others and listening with us. And of course they feel more seen bird and understood. So there is a great reward for starting to look at your social anxiety and finding ways to overcome it, which we'll be talking about as well today.
Yet so many people don't even take that risk to join a men's group or even very commonly in our sharing circles in the game as brotherhood. A lot of y'all sitting on that sideline. We got like thousands of people in there and it's great that we're seeing so many new people come in every month.
But you know, a lot of people want that connection. This is what we hear all the time. I want connection on one hand, but on the other hand, my anxiety or fear is so strong. There's there's some obstacle there that's preventing me from engaging with other people.
So it's really tough place to be. So what is it about game and why do we create anxiety being with each other. There are four common reasons that I hear and I'll share those now and then we can talk specifically to our personal experiences and our sharing. Okay. So number one reason I get all the time is gaze or judgey, which in and of itself is a judgey statement just saying, but yeah, let's just go with it. Gaze or judgey.
Yes, there is a strong emphasis on appearances and when you put yourself into these groups, you kind of know you're opening yourself up to judgment, shady comments and gossip. And so why would you want to do that? Of course, it's like no, no, no, I'm not going to sign up for that. Thank you very much.
Number two reason is that there's this pressure. I hear the word pressure. There's pressure. I feel pressured to conform. So a lot of people say, I don't know if I'm right for this group or I don't know if I'm right for this. I don't know if I'm gay enough.
What does that even mean? And there's this pressure that, oh, okay, if I'm getting into groups of gay man, I need to talk about things that I have no genuine interest in or I need to talk in ways or with people that there's really no connection there. So like a pressure to conform almost to talk about your hookups and talk about, you know, drag race and talk about things that maybe you think people are talking about as part of a stereotypical air votes.
Okay, gay culture, but if that's not naturally you, you're not going to want to participate. Okay, but again, that's maybe an assumption you might be making. Three, that compare and despair and that we talk so, so much about on this podcast, which is that underlying feeling that we're being placed on an invisible social hierarchy based on attractiveness status, age, race, everything.
But there is that invisible hierarchy that exists. And this is not just true for the gay population that exists in many populations as well, but we have a unique flavor of it. So if you put yourself in that situation, again, it's going to be very comfortable for you thinking that, oh, you know, I'm not at the top of the hierarchy or, you know, you're comparing yourself to others, it's not very comfortable. It can be very demoralizing.
This is a subject that we talked about a lot in the social authenticity and social media. A few episodes ago, we talked about the instigays, and this is very relevant in social media, but also in actual groups of gay men. And then finally reason number four, sexual tension, being in groups of gay men automatically introduces that prospect of romantic and sexual tension.
You could be thinking, okay, I want to make platonic friends, and then you see a cute guy and also your mind is switched on to like something else, which obviously we totally get. We're trying to be friends with the very same people that we maybe want to have sex with or have a romantic connection with. So that adds a whole lot of confusion. And again, it's not something that we need to contend with when we're in groups of straight votes, not not an issue at all.
But that all of a sudden, you're in groups of gay men, you maybe want to impress them, maybe you want to look good, you want to be seen as attractive. And again, it just creates an added pressure. Okay, so these are just four common reasons. And we'll be talking more about this. So all of this makes sense, right? Like as I add this all up, like I'm feeling myself getting anxious, the king of a group of gay men because like, oh my god, that's a lot.
There's a lot of mental noise to contend with, right? So that makes sense. If you're listening to this and you're like, oh, yeah, I definitely feel, you know, social anxiety, so gay men, I don't blame you, my friend, I do too. And we just thought of four really good reasons why. So let's take it to the personal level now. The first question we have today is, what specific situations or what kinds of situations stir up social anxiety for you? And why do you think that is today?
Let's start with Matt. What kind of situations trigger social anxiety for me? Well, I would say I felt the same thing as you when you were listening off all those things I could just feel. And I was like going back through like moments and times in my life where I was highly socially anxious. I would probably say I've got to level three on like, and I spent a lot of my time in that zone.
Yeah, and I'll explain why, but first I'll just kind of answer the question straight up like large groups is would be be definitely one and like, and when there's an energy or a possibility of rejection, I think would be a big one. The fear of rejection can become, I think the fear of rejection is the fuel to why I would be socially anxious or like not belonging, you know what I mean? Like being outcasted or something like that.
And then not having control over over my level of stimulus, I think is a big one for me being a highly sensitive person and having sensory processing sensitivity. I when I'm in large groups and I don't have control over let's say the level of volume of the music or the brightness of the lights or these things and I can get thrown into over stimulation really easily.
That causes me social anxiety because when I'm overstimulated, it's like my nervous system goes into overdrive and I feel like I can't like sometimes I feel like I can't breathe or I feel like I can't control, you know, like the volume of whatever what's going on inside my system, my nervous system just gets really loud.
So I think that, you know, and before even knowing I had sensory processing sensitivity, I didn't know what was going on, right? So I was like always socially anxious. I was always like kind of in this high like energy state and and then I get the mirroring back from people of like, you know, like this person is like, feel that energy of like being, you know, hyper vigilant or whatever it might be like I can almost feel that.
So that's one side of it and then the other piece too, well, and then add in being an empath into that as well like when I walk into a room I can feel what's going on in that room so it can feel like really intense for me. But there's also a piece here that I think is important that leads into social anxiety for me, which is trauma and unhield trauma and one of the the trauma responses that I employed from a young age was hyper vigilance growing up in a chaotic home lots of stuff happening.
I was having to constantly be outside of myself monitoring my environment for the next thing that was going to create whatever stress or trauma or whatever it might be. So coming at life through that lens, you know, it's always monitoring outside myself and when I'm in social situations, I have a tendency, it's gets it's a lot better now, but I used to have a tendency to to leave myself and go out into the outer world.
So I would be right so then there's this sense of like abandoning myself which that that part of me feels like anxious and scared and these sorts of things. So it's like a very young part that has really had to I guess protect protect myself through that, but it's actually been very maladaptive as I've gotten older and I know that my environment is safe for the most part like I don't need to employ that.
So I've been really working with my nervous system to try and heal this trauma response of hyper vigilance and and it's helping it's helping make me feel more calm so I can be more because there's I think being hyper vigilant and being an empath they show up very similarly right but when you have both of them employed it's it's like everything is so intense I can it's almost like I can feel people's thoughts when I'm in a room like to that point right and it's like so it becomes too intense for me.
I've really stayed away from a lot of social stuff and it's ever since I stopped drinking so I don't really drink alcohol much any more if I do go into social situations that are highly like large groups of people loud music like I almost need to be drinking because I won't be able to to be there and enjoy it and I don't really enjoy drinking so I pretty much stay away from from those types of situations.
And then just looking at like why do I think this is those you know feeling judged or embarrassing myself those are really two things that show up prominently for me like worrying about like you know I have this core belief that I'm different and that I think I talked about this in the last episode that we did like I feel I feel different or that there's something different about me so like sometimes I'll say things and it like puts people off for people like kind of look at me like you know so I and I'm very
tuned to people's reactions to me right which that's part of the hyper vigilant so I'm trying to pull that back and just really be in my own energy not care what people think not care if people have reactions to me that are that are negative or positive or whatever just kind of stay in my own energy.
So that's that's a big piece and then I don't know I when you were talking I was like going back into like my childhood and like you know knowing that I was gay and hiding that from everybody I was I like nobody knew I was gay from the age of I had my first thought of being gay at five and I came out at 18 so that's 13 years of like harboring this like really large part of of who I am so it was like this energy of concealing I was concealing myself
and and I think that really played into like probably a development of low self-esteem when you think about it because when how we develop self-esteem is we we are authentic and we get our authentic needs met and we're connecting to people who are authentic self and people validate our authentic self and we feel good about ourselves but if we're hiding our authentic self we don't actually get validated or assured or anything in our authentic self.
So I think for me I had I have and still am struggling with low self-esteem in certain areas and I think that plays into into social anxiety in a tremendous way. So I think that actually is like I think that fuels social anxiety like there's people that are shy or introverted for sure but I also think sometimes fear creates introversion and shyness and the fear can be a byproduct of social anxiety. So yeah I think that's I'll leave it there I think that pretty much answers answers it for me.
I love when you use this word conceal because I think that's a big one and made me think of funny enough it made me think of when I when I had first come out and I was just like exploring and this is all me by the way like this skin is all me right now but back in the day I remember
I was traveling in beauty products and I remember like I bought this liquid concealer and I would wear it and it was an interesting experience I but I remember the point at which I was like this is it feels heavy it feels heavy. I like my skin I like the way it looks without all of this and I just kind of stripped it all back but I feel like it was an important part of my experience.
Yeah I feel like I'm kind of a weird case because I don't know I'm a very social creature so when it comes to social anxiety like yes I experience it when I'm entering into spaces and it's usually I don't know when there's a lot of thought going on when there's a lot of preconceived notions going on when
I don't know when there's like shame or guilt present these are some of the things I thought of when maybe there's an attachment to a desired experience or outcome you know these are situations where I think I would experience some social anxiety but
I thrive in social environments and I feel like I always have certainly it's required courage to enter into spaces but I remember when I entered into the gay world so to speak right like it's the nightclub my first pride experience like I I like walked into the club like I own the place and then my first experience of pride like yes I was I was anxious they put me in a yellow like speedo and matching tank top on a float right and like I was in my glory I loved it I was like this is wonderful
and imagine me walking through like the legislative building in Winnipeg, Manitoba in this like outfit and walking down those like big steps to get onto a float and like everyone's kind of there watching it was quite interesting but audacity I don't know I'm not sure what it is
I'm not saying that I don't I don't experience you know like let's say big thought and big feeling when I'm entering into a social situation it does happen it just feels a bit like distant for me somehow I don't I don't know how to explain it but I will say funny enough that when we were recording when we just had just started recording
and I knew that I was going to have to answer this question I was feeling some anxiousness because I'm like I know I have answers but I was like what am I going to say you know so yeah there's another piece too like when I think or feel like I have something to hide or mask or prove I can certainly experience a lot of a lot of anxiousness in these spaces and we'll probably get into this in the second question
but you know I've learned how to regulate leading up to and entering into these situations and that has kind of made it easier for me to to honor the experience I'm having and move in those spaces with like grace I guess
so it's a weird question like I'm not I don't know if I have anymore to say in response to it because social anxiety feels a bit distant for me maybe yeah I was super curious to know how you're going to answer that one knowing what I know about you I was like right no we don't have to say about this
yeah it's weird yeah it's weird I don't know and I mean I'd be happy for someone to like challenge me on that or something like that because maybe there's something I'm I'm not seeing it just feels distant for me I guess yeah yeah yeah I don't think it yeah it feels authentic to me because I know you and I've been out with you and I think you're you would score probably higher on extra version I would say
right and like you're more comfortable with being visible like that's probably part of like you maybe have the performer archetype yeah which is like you like to be seen and be in the spotlight like I think that's more yeah see I see that in you yeah and I guess it would be important for me to say as well like don't don't get me wrong like probably every room I walk into there's like some sensation of
like thought feeling anxiousness if you will right there's like some degree of it for sure I just learn to to like hold it and navigate it I think so it doesn't feel so big and so heavy for me but but certainly back in the day it did especially when when I was in the closet as we say like that that's a whole other story moving in in straight spaces was quite anxiety inducing for me at that time yeah
and the only concern I had moving in gay spaces back then would have been that like how do I see this like them being gay without me or they would out me yeah yeah
very very interesting I think there's a lot of people out there who feel more comfortable in straight spaces and there's a lot of people that they feel more comfortable straight spaces and they feel uncomfortable in gay space so it's very interesting now that it's I personally feel more comfortable in gay spaces now but that was certainly not always the case and I feel less comfortable
because all that hyper vigilant shows up from being in the closet in straight spaces yeah that's fascinating because I'm the opposite so when I was younger I was I had a lot of social anxiety around straight men and I healed that and now I'm very comfortable with straight men more comfortable straight men than gay men
and but I when I was younger I would go to gay bars and I would be I was a scene star right in my 20s and I was super comfortable with and you know all my friends were gay everything like that and then fast forward now I feel like I'm more comfortable with straight people and less comfortable with gay people so yeah it's interesting how we're all different
or you know your your example of the being in your yellow speedo in front of like all those people is my nightmare I would like I would shrink away and like no absolutely no I'd rather crawl into a hole like that sounds terrible I'm shocked I know I guess because I just yeah to be just like you would think there's our often shocked for that but I it's just it's the it's the eyeballs on me which I can now answer it's a good segue to the answer to
how I would answer this yeah what kinds of situations to social anxiety and why and for me it's something like that where there's a lot of eyeballs on me where I'm like the center of attention and like there's a spotlight on me so there's a very specific scenario that I actively avoid so like normally I'm in like the level one or level two but for this specific scenario I just
sleep and that is drag shows because I know those drag queens are gonna like pick somebody from the crowd they're gonna they're gonna put the spotlight on me they're gonna put the mic in front of my face for someone and the very possibility that that could be me no no no no get me out of there so as soon as the drag thing comes on see later yeah I'd do the same yeah I'm like do not look at me do not pick on me do not ask me where I'm from
do not ask me if I'm single do not ask me if I'm atop her bottom do not ask me anything just get me out of here so yeah that's one that I want although I love drag queens that love the performances I happy to watch them from afar or on TV nothing against them I just don't I just don't be picked on same thing if it's like a stand-up comedy show anything like that where there's like audience participation get me out of there that's funny I'm so the same yeah even actually at my birthday party
so I had my last year I had my 40th and I had a lot of people over and everyone started singing happy were there to me obviously as they do and I was like it was this moment that I should have been so full of love and happiness and I was but I was looking around like 50 people singing to me looking at me and I was like oh my god don't look at me and that's where it comes up and even in these evenings like really nice
situations so it's just eyeballs on me really like I get sweaty palms my heart starts to be a shake a little bit my voice trumps like I just don't like having eyeballs on me oddly enough yeah okay so let's talk a little bit about strategies to overcome so what strategies have you found
in managing your social anxiety in these group situations Matt yeah it's just this feeling of letting go like just letting go and like surrendering it's like kind of diving off the cliff and just letting go I think so many of us grow up with like well there's I think there's two aspects there's perceived and real threats like there as a gay gay person like there's real threats like if we're out and somebody sees us
or we could be called a fake or beaten up or whatever so like there's actually valid like sometimes social anxiety is perceived like it's like we're catastrophizing or these things but being a gay person we're at high risk of being whatever fill in the blank right anything that could be threatening and I think that what that does is it creates this like this worry of like self monitoring so it's like maybe like how we walk or how we talk or body gestures
or mannerisms these sorts of things so that that self monitoring I think is what creates like this real like highly anxious lots of inter dialogue like going on so for me it's like having to just surrender and let go and I actually didn't learn how to deal with my social anxiety until I stopped drinking alcohol because every time I was out in social situations I was always drinking so there was never an opportunity for me to work with my social anxiety
because I would basically just numb it out so that was in my mid 20s I think I stopped drinking and I had long periods of sobriety starting maybe in like my mid 20s and I think I was sober for like maybe four years in that time frame and yeah so I would practice going out with my friends and I would be sober and they would be drinking and I would have to be around so I would be tuning into my needs
like what's going on for me like am I overstimulated if I am okay I'm out like I'm leaving and usually I would have this like time frame of like midnight midnight was that cut off point where where people would start getting handsy and staying inappropriate things because they were drinking so then that would be my time to go right so I just there was like this tuning in this tuning in and being really mindful of that but then also this surrender and just like let go of worry
and like you know what I mean like just like there's also this piece that it's like there's a chance that yeah I might be embarrassed so you know like yes there's a chance I might be judged okay right like there's this there's this acceptance of it's like radical acceptance of yes there's a possibility that these things might happen but you can overcome it right then and you can face it
and I find for me there's like having a wingman is really it helps with my social anxiety because I like having that person it's like an anchor point that I can connect with and you know they're my dance buddy they're like you know like just there's something about having like a wingman but I've also gone out to like clubs and things and events like by myself and it's anxiety
provoking for sure and I I noticed in those moments my tape starts playing of like you're a loner you know like people are judging you like you know like that sort of thing but then then I also have my higher self which chimes in is like you're so courageous you know how many people in this world would never go to dinner
or to a wherever by themselves like they always need somebody there so you know if you're either of those types of people like you always need a wingman or you always go out alone like try trying the on the other hat you know and see what it's like to to play with both those things because there's so much growth that can happen in these situations and yeah and then I just wrote a couple things
that I think are important because like dealing with social anxiety I think is like a psychological thing right like how we think and feel about ourselves really is the root of social anxiety so if we can start to get to those like those roots and start looking at like you know our inner critic and maybe the things that we're putting our experiences through as far as filters like our beliefs about our self and about you know what it means to be in social situations
so like just kind of like three steps so look at the thoughts you have in social situations like and just be mindful of them make note like okay why am I thinking these things like for example mine being I'm out in social situations by myself and I start equating that to I'm a loner right like I'm a loser like something so just observing that and getting curious about about these thoughts
and then start to challenge the thoughts and if they are fear based thoughts about things happening like look at the likelihood of these happening how many times have you gone out in social social situations and the very thing you're afraid of happening happens right for most people it's going to be very slim so just looking at that and then I would say like look for evidence of the opposite so like if you think you're a loser or you think you're ugly or you think you're whatever these
things are that you're going to be rejected look for evidence of when those things didn't happen and the positive happened right so you went out and you had connection and it felt really good because that's usually what happens to me like I'll be highly anxious and I will might I'll use my imagination to like play out how the night I think is going to go
and that night is loaded with fear right and then when I do go even if I'm not drinking I have an amazing time and I dance and I meet new people and I'm like I get home and I'm just so full and I'm like wow that was amazing right so like I when I'm preparing to go out I will think about that I'll be like oh like remember that time I went out and I had these amazing connections
so the mind and the socially anxious mind looks for reasons of like I call it like what ifs of limitation or fear and I think when we practice like what ifs of possibility and joy it can really be the helpful in shifting some of that socially anxious energy that resonates a lot with me everything you just said yeah well from a fellow Gemini like anybody that's an air sign like we're just so serribrily dominant that it's it's hard to get out of the head
yeah and it's overwhelming when you're in these spaces trying to like all this stimulus plus than all your own thoughts it's just a lot so those are some really good tips thanks man yeah yeah thanks so there's there's like a couple pieces here one is I'm noticing this desire to be like witness
like there's this part of me that wants to be seen right now and it's the part of me that still experiences anxiousness and social situations yeah because it's it's not that it doesn't happen I think it's just it's just how I navigate it and so that's like a great segue into my earlier years I so I have I was quite anxious actually when I was younger I navigated OCD and then in addition to that I'm like you know this like petite like bright expressive emotive sensitive young black boy
right and gay and and and I'm sort of moving through the world in this identity if you will and I mentioned this on a previous episode we had recorded where you know there was this sense that I had actually come in like okay
and then as a result of you know let's say like maybe it was my first spanking maybe it was my first shaming maybe it was my first you know situation with a bully but whatever it was little by little it's like that big little light started to dim you know and and so then I was like okay
how do I orient myself in this world so that I feel safe right it became about it became about externalized safety and security whereas before like it like it was about my it was more about my inner experience you know like that was prioritized and there's an innocence about that and like a authenticity about that so what happened for me is that while I'm reacting and responding to the external environment and and doing the things that would potentially have me fit in
like my light won't quit so I'm still like entering into situations I'll call it self exposure and self disclosure so I'm still entering in the spaces and situations and like bringing forth that authenticity while simultaneously experiencing the kind of sweaty palm shaky you know choked up anxiety and one of my earliest memories of that was when we had I had
we had a like an assembly and there was an opportunity to perform something cultural and so I'm I'm of Trinidadian Irish and English descent and I decided to focus on my Trinidadian roots and so I wore a dashiki and I brought in some cultural artifacts and I was going to perform a
Trinidadian song in front of like the elementary school essentially and something happened the tape went missing the audio track went missing I've some theories about what happened there but that's a whole other story but the audio track went missing and so I didn't get to perform and I remember crying
because I really wanted to even though I was terrified right I was so scared I have another instance of that when I was in high school and we had the spirit week and there was a talent show and I put on the suit and got in front of the gym and sang the song by Casey and Jojo
and friend of like the high school I forget the name of the song but again like terrified right but did it anyway and then dressed up as a woman like I had there was I had this like tight little dress on and this inflatable cow and you had to like ride the cow around the gym and I remember I was like damn it I wore briefs today and I've got this little like dress
and this is in a small rural community right but I pushed it because again my light wouldn't quit so it's like I was still scared every single time you know I can't tell you how many times I'm afraid I go to the club by myself constantly and I'm like same things you
like same things you Matt like oh people are going to think I'm a loner I look like I have no friends I'm like walking through the city by myself doing things alone people must think what a loser like where's his friends you know he's such a loner it's like I actually like myself and I like going out by myself and I like meeting people and I enjoy myself and so yeah I think I just learned to lean into the discomfort
and hold it and breathe through it and be with it and and I guess one of the last things I would say is I prioritize myself and my experience I used to prioritize the external world what will they think of me what will they say what will I need to be for everybody else in order to
blah blah blah blah blah blah and and I notice that happening over time now I've retreated inward I'm like okay my experience I'm I'm with myself I'm holding myself I'm prioritizing my experience I'm being with my breath I'm noticing what's coming up
and I'm really just holding myself in a way that you know previously maybe I needed from others it was like validate me hold me you know on me I'm holding you know you know I'm honoring me I'm validating me and so that I think for me in addition to exposing myself to the things that scare me has made a world of difference and that's my practice every day I do shit that scares me you know so yeah
was the song all my life that's the one that's the one that is the one yeah yeah oh my god yes if you're watching fire if you're not watching Michael firewood just went off and Michael's background that was fun thank you yeah I love that I love the self-compassion that's definitely one that has helped as well and we've done a lot of podcast episodes about self-compassion that rain was a really good tangible example of a great time to practice it's very real in that moment yeah
thank you yeah thanks for revealing that part of yourself to yeah yeah it's nice to meet that part of you yeah thank you okay so what strategies have I found helpful in managing social anxiety group situations my favorite one that works for me is people don't actually care about me that much that really helps me because in my mind I'm thinking everyone's let's the opposite it's like everyone's looking at me think about me die
by me and really truly known really cares not much really looking at me knows really talking about me if they are it's like for a half second before they're on to the next thing and so I worry about me more than other more than I think I do and that one really helps me personally is people don't actually care and when I work for you just sharing what works for me please take it if it works and leave it if it doesn't another one is it's okay if people don't like me it's okay if people think I'm boring it's okay if people think I'm weird it's okay if I say something stupid I am loved
regardless and I'm no less lovable because of someone else's opinion so that is kind of my version of like a self self compassionate talk or having my own back as I call it being my own BFF it's okay it's okay if that happens I don't need to be perfect for anybody another one is checking in if it's at a big event I mean a big group space like a nightclub or party or anything like that I was pretty where there's lots of people
I will check in with trusted friends with Matt and you had talked about a wingman this totally works for me so oftentimes my besties know this I'll be like I'm going to the bathroom you're coming with me and we just kind of do a little check in how it's ago we do a little spill in the tea what's going on it's happening what's going on outside and then we check them with each other like how are we feeling are we enjoying this we're not enjoying this what's the vibe what's going on
and if it's something indoors I'd love to get outside because I just need to be outside sometimes just being outside and breathing in some fresh air like doing that just really calls me down yeah and then a good thing with the wingman option is tell them ahead of time like I'm feeling a bit nervous about this party or you know someone's going to be there that I'm not quite sure like whatever it is like whatever your reason is
tell your friends ahead of time someone that you trust tell them ahead of time and you know be like great if you can check in with me like if it's someone that you trust and love they they will and they'll just kind of look out for you and that's a good thing and then yeah exhaling was another one so yeah when I'm feeling it in my body like I said a big exhale is a really quick easy way for me to just feel a
little bit better and that self-compassion so I don't need to repeat again Reno talked a lot about that that's a really good way to practice it and then finally I would say one that I remind myself of is like if I don't want to be in a big group don't be in a big group stick to the smaller groups find the people I like stick with them it's fine I do not need to force myself to like perform in front of this big
group it's it's okay if I'm not that guy and I don't feel like if there's nothing wrong with that no one's gonna make me there's nothing wrong with me I just don't force it so if I don't feel like it then I just don't do it and I just let myself love myself off the hook and relieve myself
with my own expectations at the end of the day that's what it's about yeah those are some of mine all right guys well this has been helpful and lovely and I hope that the guys who are listening to this and watching this at home do join us in our sharing circles and connection circles
and my my well-ease-motionlessly gay groups and maths empowerment groups and authentic lighting groups and Reno's groups and everything please go and attend things and meet up with guys and groups of gay guys wherever you are whatever you're doing it is one of those things that
I think a lot of us we talk about this a lot of the spot cast were really really strong with the fact that there's a lot of us who feel isolated and lonely and don't belong in a really are here to try to fix that Matt Reno9 and the game is brotherhood in this podcast so we know that
social anxiety can be a big obstacle we hope that today has helped you do you guys have anything you want to add before I wrap this up just two things one I want to echo what you said which is you know we have this like big beautiful community here and we have multiple opportunities
to connect and expose yourself to the things that make you uncomfortable in a safe, facilitated, supportive space you know so I would just say like I can't think of a better place to start than right there and you know if it's like super edgy for you luckily you're behind a
computer screen you know so you can start there and then come to the meetups in person if that feels like you know like just edgy enough for you it's like give that a try but yeah my second piece would be that is the the self exposure piece and the self disclosure piece and you know I think
what I've seen work time and time again is to you know honor honor your experience like disclose your experience first to yourself right and then maybe to somebody trusted and then and then to expose yourself to you know the things that scare you right yeah come into these spaces and
maybe just take the first step like the first little step you don't have to take a bold daring leap unless you want to but the first step you know yeah love that thank you and from yeah go ahead Matt I think you're gonna say it go ahead and then I'll see if it's not the thing that I
was gonna say I was just gonna share with the audience what we're talking about when we say sharing circle and connection circle and giving them the level of uh just yeah sure do that and then I'll say my piece after okay yeah so for those of you who don't know what we're talking about
our sharing circles are monthly we talked about this and bidding but just so you know it's a free event last Thursday of the month you come in uh Matt and and LRE host one in the evening Reno and I host one in the earlier time slot you come in we put you in two burger rooms Reno
facilitates one I do the other and we just share and we have questions for you guys to answer and it's for you get to be in a group of other gay men virtually why is zoom and we just share for it's just an hour there our connection circles if that scares you but too much
then come to the connection circle that's on the second Thursday of the month and in that one we are there as well and we put you in little pods of three just like we do here and you guys go into a breakout room and again we give you questions to answer and you have about an hour almost
just the three of you to unpack that question and talk about it and connect with each other in a more casual conversation kind of way so uh it's two wonderful opportunities per month you guys have through the game and brotherhood just letting you know what that is and we will all be there so come
join us yeah yeah and then lastly um our local meetup groups so go into the event section on the in the Facebook group and you will see we're going to be having ambassadors that are going to be hosting different events across the world really um and if you're interested
and also hosting something in your city um let us know email us at info at gaymensbrotherhood.com and we'll send you the the Google form and you can fill it out and apply to become an ambassador in your city for the gay men's brotherhood and host your own local meetup group yes please do that
and i'll put the up with all that information in our show thanks for reminding me Matt yeah perfect all right guys thank you Matt thank you Reno for another wonderful episode for our audience thank you for listening thank you for segment this and um if you're listening
to us on youtube you're listening to us on a podcast again please give us those five stars in a rating uh in a review again it helps us to get into the years of people who might feel this way and just need a little bit of support and encouragement like we provided here today and if you're
watching us on youtube please go ahead and share in the comments how you experience your own social anxiety some strategies that have helped you go ahead and answer the questions that we answered here um it's great because our comment section on youtube is really turning into a little bit of a pure support community on its own uh so we love seeing that all right guys thank you so much and we'll see you next week bye