Single and Ready to Mingle

Brotherhood that showcases raw and real conversations about personal development, mental health, and sexuality from an unapologetically. I'm your host, Matt Lancetal. Me today is Michael Di Orio. Today we are talking about being single and ready to mingle. And we're going to be exploring a couple questions. What do you enjoy about being single?

How do you know when you're ready to mingle again after a period of being single? And what would you like to experience this time around when it comes to dating? So for the record, Michael and I are both single and I'm pretty sure we're both ready to mingle. So this is why we're Yeah, Michael's been mingling. So what we want you to get out of today's episode is just a deeper understanding of your relationship to being single. If you're ready to mingle, where's your desire at?

And if there is desire there, what do you need to do? We're gonna be talking a bit about that today, how to put yourself out there, these sorts of things. Uh if you're new here, please subscribe to our channel on YouTube. And if you're listening on your favorite podcast platform.

Please subscribe and leave us a review, which helps us get into the ears of the people who need us. And this podcast and YouTube channel are listener and viewer supported. If you enjoy what we're creating, you can support the community by donating to the show using the link in the show notes. or tapping the thanks button on YouTube.

There we also have the early access option on Apple and you can support us there. I believe it's only two ninety nine a month or something. Yeah. Two dollars and ninety nine cents a month and you get uh access to all the early episodes. So And that again it all goes back to the Gaimans Brotherhood, uh helping our community grow and thrive. And we do thank you in advance for your support. All right. So when I think about single and ready to mingle, it's like a it's a light energy.

Right. It's like it's not this like desperation to be with somebody. It's not any of this. It's more of a light thing. It's like okay, I've maybe you've been in a period where you've been consciously single, you've Or you were coming out of a relationship, so you needed to take some time, and now there's this energy of like, okay, I wanna put myself

Back out there. There's this feeling of being excited, maybe about the potential, right? Mingling is kind of like a fun light thing, putting ourselves out there. Um and there's yeah, the potential of being able to fall in love again or being able to able to fall in love for the first time and getting to meet new people, these sorts of things. So this is what we're gonna be unpacking and

Yeah, let's maybe just start right off the top. So what are some things that you enjoy about being single? Yeah. I mean, if it does, I'm not uh what do I love about being single? So For me it's been and I'm almost at two years, almost exactly two years of singleness now. Um and so the best parts of it are that for you know, I think a lot of us lone wolves, it's a lot of fun. Mm-hmm. It can be pretty easy.

Freedom is the number one thing. Freedom is my top value, like ever. And so for me, being not not being in a relationship is not. Freeing with the right person, I still do feel very free. That's that's not what I'm saying. But the great thing with being single is like it's just it's just there's no negotiation with it. It just is the possibilities are endless.

Yeah. Which I love. I'm someone who can be very flirty, spontaneous, and I just kinda go with my instincts and go by my intuition. And I love that when I'm flying solo I can. There's literally nothing stopping me. I don't need to consider anybody else. I don't need to

ask permission. I don't need to worry or think or uh you know, go through the filter of of the other person. And so it's really fun, really exciting. Any adventure for me is just right around the corner. And I will say this that that adventure could be like going to bed at nine o'clock, ordering a pizza, eating it all by myself, and watching like

five Harry Potter movies in a row and eating a bag of chips. All for me. Right. That could be adventure for me. Or it could be like I'm gonna go out at like two o'clock in the morning or whatever. I'm gonna I'm gonna take a last minute trip to to somewhere. So that to me has been the best part, I think, of of being single. And the other thing I would add

Kind of not under the freedom realm, but a very specific aspect of it for me is my home. When I have a long term partner, we usually end up cohabitating, which I love. But it's funny, it's actually the thing I miss the most when they if we break up. But eventually I get to this place where My home is my sanctuary and it's all mine again. Yeah. And I'm the gatekeeper of

The space, the decor, where things are. I move things around. I'm the gatekeeper of my time, my energy, who comes in. I don't need to run things by. People. So it's actually interesting. It's also the thing I would say that hurts the most during a breakup is when they move out. But I think I think that just tells me home is a very important value to me.

And and it is a sanctuary. But yeah, that's one thing about being single that's great is is it's all mine. It's this my my canvas to do what I want with. And I do spend quite a bit of time at home, especially in these cold winter months. Yes. Yeah, it's nice to have somebody to snuggle, that's for sure. Yes. What about the flip side of that? So I'll ask the question, because we are talking about mingling and singling. So what do you enjoy about mingling?

Yeah, we've talked a little bit about dating in the past where, you know, it's it's really a fabulous opportunity to get to know yourself through others. Cause If you're isolated and in that lone wolf You don't get you don't bump up against other people, you don't bump up against those those edges. And so you don't get that opportunity for learning and and and understanding new things and new experiences and even a little bit of tension and conflict I think can be a good thing.

So something I like about dating is it can be, if you're in the right headspace, fun and a beautiful way to actually get to know yourself. And it you know, the contrast, even if you go on a bad date, there's the contrast that shows you more of what you do want and what you do value and what your needs and desires actually are. And I think that can be a a beautiful way to actually get clarity on the kind of person you are, the kind of relationship you want. Yeah. Yeah. What's your favorite stage?

of of the dating process and building a relationship. So you kinda have like the honeymoon phase where you're like, It's really early you have that differentiation stage, like the power struggle area, and then you have the kind of the settling in, and then you have the whole like commitment, like we're we've built a life together and now we're like this we're basically like a unit.

I mean they're all great. Um I mean right now,'cause I am single, I what what what I spend some time thinking about in in a good way is like There is this man out there who I have yet to meet, who's like in my future. And I am just

dying to know how we're gonna meet. Like how is this going to happen? And it just it thrills me. That that idea of like, where is he? How how are we gonna meet?'Cause I mean, I've thought about it so many times. And I just think the universe has always, at least with me, has always surprised me. It's never been Something that I... It's never been something that I uh expected or in the way I expected. It's always been a surprise. So I know that this is gonna be another surprise. I think that

That to me is my my favorite right now. But I of course I love like the honeymoon phase and getting to know each other. And you know, when you get the butterflies, you get the butterflies and like, Oh my gosh, I actually like him. Oh my god, it actually responds. Oh my god, he can actually communicate. Oh my god, he's actually single. So that part is fun when it gets to be a little bit exciting without falling in love with the fantasy.

Yeah, that's why I don't like the honeymoon phase. The honeymoon moon phase is my least favorite because it makes me the most anxious. That's why people are the most people please y. They don't show you who they actually are. And then the reason why there's a differentiation or a power power struggle stage is because

Guess what? I actually do have boundaries. I do have this my foot in the sand here, a line in the sand. So I do think that I would rather show those things up front. Like this is who I am, this is who I am authentically. Um, so I yeah, there's something about the honeymoon phase for me that just makes me feel anxious, like I don't quite know who this person is. So, but I guess my work is to not land too solidly in the honeymoon phase.

Like, do you know what I mean? Because I I c and I am a fast faller. So that's my problem, right? If I fall fast, then I don't know who this person is fully yet. I get anxious. Right? So It's like just I gotta just take my time. But it's so hard for me because when I find somebody that I actually want

to that I actually like, which is so hard for me. I'm like, yeah, I wanna lock this down because it feels good, you know, and I don't want to be like sharing this with other people and you know, like that. So yeah, it's tough. I agree. But what helps me is knowing that whatever in that honeymoon phase in that like we're all putting our best foot forward, of course. Which is fine.

But in the back of my mind, I know that whoever is in front of me, as great and perfect, I'm using air quotes as that may be, because that doesn't exist, but as good as that may be, I know that there is there is a pile of Insecurity spheres, things that are gonna annoy me.

little things. And I know that it's there. It's just a matter of like, oh, at some point I hope I can discover what these are. And in fact, I wouldn't I wouldn't personally I wouldn't make things a serious relationship with somebody until we've had those moments of like You know, conflict or rupture and and and I've seen

his mess. I want to see your mess. Day one. Don't show me on day one. But like eventually I wanna know. Like I wanna see him on a bad day. I wanna see him stressed out. I wanna see him angry at his best friend or whatever. Like I I want to see that so I can get a better sense. And then at least I know it's coming and it's not a problem. Like, okay, cool. Now I know what now I know.

the the shadow side a little bit, and then I can decide whether it's a shadow that I can still learn to love or one that I don't want to participate in. Yeah. That it's interesting. I find gay men really, really good at concealing that that stuff. Of course. Right. And very good at people pleasing. So I do find that it's tough. And honeymoon phase they say lasts three to six months.

Right. So that means that I gotta wait three or six months to find out what your mess is. Like I wanna know if our mess is compatible a little sooner than that. And I agree with you, not on the first date. Not even on the second date, but you know, within the first thirty days, it's kind of good to have like

a little bit of like realness. Like let's have a real conversation about relationship fears. Let's have a real conversation about these sorts of things. And for me, that's when I'm able to start to see capacity

But I do also think people can play, placate. They can they can fake that they're that they're attuned to these sorts of things within themselves, right? And it doesn't usually come into a conflict when it's actually real and the nervous systems are fully engaged in a conflict that you're able to see, like, okay, shit, this person

has more of a whatever, anxious attachment or they have, you know, these things that are starting to come up in so yeah. No, I I I agree, but I I will say I have gone on dates where it doesn't Take three to six months. Like with with the right kind of guy, they'll be pretty open to like having these kinds of conversations.

pretty soon if they feel safe and if I feel safe. And it depends on the kind of date it is. But you know, I'm and I know you're the same way, Matt, not afraid to go deep and actually we like that and we can hold space for that. And, you know, I think people tend to feel probably pretty safe with you. At least I I get that as well. So you could have that sooner than the three to six months. Yeah.

And I think some guys, at least I'm I'm forty two, but you know, I'm gonna say around our age and older, are perhaps more not always, perhaps more willing to go there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's I usually have conflict with partners before that point because I am very authentic and I speak my mind a lot and I'm I'm not afraid to express my needs and my boundaries. So it does I d I tend to create friction in my relationship.

Earlier than some maybe might might be other others might. And and who knows, maybe that's a subconscious thing that I'm doing, right? But for me It's very much a I'm just I'm showing up the way that I think I need to in order to to get my needs met or to speak my mind, whatever it might be. Well, what about the best things about being single? What are what are yours?

What do you Yeah, okay, we kinda derailed that over to the the other side. Best things about being single for me are yeah, freedom. Like I definitely I love commitment, don't get me wrong, but I also love freedom. And when I'm single I don't have to worry about anything, about any anybody else's feelings or the decisions I'm making, these sorts of things. So that's definitely one. I like the idea of potential.

I'm like you know, like you said, who is this person that's gonna come into my life? Like, you know, and there's all you know, when you're on the apps there's this hope. And there's, you know, when you're out and about, there's this feeling that okay, like is tonight the night I'm gonna run into this person and we're gonna like be just have love at first sight kind of thing, right? So there's a there's a bit of a of a thing that kind of, you know, excites me.

when it comes to that. Yeah, best things about being single. I think yeah, those are kind of the main ones for me. Yeah. I'm at a point right now where I'm really wanting love and relationships. So yeah, I feel like being I've been single for quite a while. Like I've so just to kind of give people context, so I was single for about a year and a half and and then I ended up meeting somebody recently. Well, two guys actually recently. So one of them

We dated for just two weeks and it was one of those serendipitous meetings. We were on a dog walk, we saw each other, it was like wow, like we had this really intense, powerful connection. And then He just said he's not ready right now and he needed some space because he's has a lot of life, big life things that are happening. So I just said, Yeah, that's fine and then we just lost touch. We haven't connected. And then that night I ended up connecting with somebody

on Grinder of all places. And we had been dating for the last month basically. And then we had just called it off. But it was so close. Like it was the closest I've felt to any anyone that I've dated so far. It felt so close to what I'm looking for. There was just Something that wasn't quite Quite there. So yeah. So now I'm at this point where I'm just, yeah, I'm feeling like, okay, the universe is showing me like that there's a lot of what I'm looking for.

is out there. I just have to keep, you know, refining and keep working on what is within me to becoming aligned to being able to call the things in that I'm desiring, right? 'Cause I'm I'm a firm believer that we have to become what we want to attract. If we want a kind and loving partner, we have to be a kind and loving partner. So and it for me it's trust.

That's the area that I that I tend to struggle with. So I have to learn to trust. And then I think I'm going to attract somebody that will come in that will be trustworthy. Right? It's going to be a vibrational match. So that's my work. Yeah. For me it's it's it's communication. So I do the same thing. So the way I that I communicate, I used to kind of be more that pleaser, like, Oh, I don't wanna

Peace be too direct or or come on too strong or or say what I want too much. And then I ended up drawing in, to your point, a lot of wishy-washy energy because I was being wishy-washy. So now I'm like, here's what I'm up for. Here's what I'm not up for. Yeah. You know, more of a take it or leave it energy. Like I hope you take it, but if you leave it, it's okay too. And guess what?

I'm I'm drawing in a lot of those very equally direct guys who I think in North America is maybe not the norm, but when I was in Europe it is very much more, I would say socially the norm to be a little bit more direct with what people want. And I love that. There I'm I'm normal. If you want to come back to Toronto, people think I'm a little bit what's the word? Sharp or what's it Star used to call me? Prickly. Yeah.

I'm not prickly. This is just how people speak to each other when you're an adult. Is what I would say. But yeah. So i for me it's it's communication. That that's really the big thing. More than more than Okay. So learning how to communicate more what? Yeah, so when I can communicate more directly about what I want in my boundaries, then what I've noticed is I'm finding those guys.

Like it's an attraction thing. Like they're they're finding me and they're saying to me, like, this is what I'm up for, this is what I'm not up for. And I'm like, Oh, okay, that's what I do to other people. Now I'm seeing what it's like on the other side. And I I think it's very attractive, even if it's not a math. There's still a lot of respect.

Yeah. When when someone speaks in that way and they know who they are and they know what they want and they're not apologizing for it and they're not gonna tiptoe and beat around the bush and be very

You know, indirect. It's like, say what the fuck you want. Just tell me. And then like let me say yes or no. Don't try to placate me. Yeah. Yeah. That was the biggest thing that was missing from my last connection. It was that.

Like I need a man who is very certain and very like, yes, like I these are my boundaries, these are my needs, this is what I want. Like a man who knows himself is so important to me. Like that has now been bumped to the top of the list because I realized that without that. I...

I end up becoming too dominant in the relationship because I am very, very certain what uh what I want. I've studied myself for the last twenty years. So I need somebody who can rise to that occasion. It doesn't not necessarily match that'cause I do this for a living. So I don't expect somebody to be at that level.

But I do feel like it's it's good to know yourself and to be in therapy and to, you know, these sorts of things. Yeah. Bulldoze, that's what people would say. That even, you know, even my closest friends and my mom will be like, you need someone who's gonna

Not gonna let you bulldoze'cause I will. Not not intentionally because I'm a bully, but just'cause exactly what you had said. Like there's no fucking around with me. I know what I want to know who I am. I I get it. Like I I but That said, I feel

Like for scaring people out there. I compromise. Very compromising. And I know my core values that I don't compromise on. Those are very clear to me. But there's a lot of things that I'm very willing to be open and compromise on. And it's just knowing the difference. And for me, those are very clear. My values my core values are very clear to me. And then I'm also very open minded in lots of other ways. So Yeah. Yeah.

I have so many questions I wanna keep derailing it to these but um actually I'm so I'm still gonna ask it'cause What are your core values? Like what would you say are like the top ones that are like you can't negotiate on those ones? Oh my gosh. For sure, like I had talked about freedom. Like I don't want a relationship and luckily none of my relationships have felt this way.

That feels like I'm being tied down. Um, I'm not talking about sexually, I'm not talking about like monogamy or non-monogamy. Just I I really like when a man uh, has his own incredible life that he's created and I have my own incredible life and we kinda come together and share our lives and we have this rich moment. So what I what's the non negotiable for me is is

Um, someone who has a very rich full life and I'm not I don't wanna be your top priority all the time. I don't like that. I don't want to be that and it puts a lot of pressure on me. So I would love it if he's like he's got a lot of, you know What's the irons in the fire? And I'm one of them. I think that's great. So that's that's really important to me. Uh communication. Like we had just talked about. Uh just someone who who can express himself, how he navigates.

Conflict, very important to me because we're gonna we're gonna hit tension for sure. And I need to know that you can handle it without shutting down or stonewalling or name calling or flying off the handle or running away. Like I need you to be able to show up at the table like a grown ass man. Yeah. And like put our cards on the table and say, Listen, I love you, you love me. We wanna do this, then let's figure this out together kind of energy.

Family values, very important to me. My family's always been important to me and and my friends as well. So my chosen family. A non-negotiable for me is someone who can't. I understand that there are going to be times where my family and friends are just going to take a priority. Like that's just how it is. And same thing with my business.

Uh so again, someone who is okay not always being number one in my life. Like you have to be okay with that. And I don't expect to be number one in your life all the time either. So again, it's it's that energy. Those are some of them. I'm sure there's more, but those are some of the ones that happen off the top of my head. Yeah, yeah, I like that. I like I have a seventy five twenty five V. Percentage that I find is a nice sweet spot.

of disposable time. Like when I'm not working, when I'm not sleeping, I would like to be with my partner seventy five percent of the time. And then twenty five percent of the time I'd like to be with my own friends doing my own thing. And I find that that balance works. For some people it would be too much. you know, whatever, but I find that that's a nice ratio for me. Yeah.

Yeah, it it really depends. That said, I mean, when I'm with the right person, I wanna be with them a lot. And it's not it never f it never feels like work, it just feels like safe and feels like home and feels wonderful. That's how I know. That's how I know when I'm dating somebody.

One of my one of my ways of figuring out is like, do I feel very safe and at home with them? And if so, it's like an energetic thing. If my body says yes, then I'm like, Okay, keep going with this one. Yeah, totally.

Okay. I want to hear from you on YouTube. YouTubers, uh, what do you enjoy about being single? Share with us in the comments. You can also share with us what your core values are. What are your non negotiables when it comes to dating? Let us know. And come and join us in our connection circles in the Gay Men's Brotherhood, where you can share your voice and unpack uh questions on certain topics. So we'd love for you to come and join us.

Go to Gamans Brotherhood dot com and you can check our events section and we've got our connection circles and all the events, sharing circles, things that are happening in the Gaiman's Brotherhood are all over there on our website, Gamens Brotherhood.com events tab.

Okay. How do you know when you're ready to mingle after a period of being single? Good question. Um for me a motivation thing. Like it's it's I'm I'm I'm always ready to mingle. But like is it is it coming from a clean place is the is the question. So If if I'm genuinely which I am in this moment, genuinely excited to meet people and get out there and I'm genuinely curious to be like, ooh, what

what's what's what's in store for me. Then that's how I know that it's coming from a what I would call a clean place versus when I'm mingling from a place of I'm lonely and wanting to fill a void, which to me feels a little bit not desperate, but

Desperate. Yeah. Yeah. It's like grabby almost like Yeah, like please, please, please, please, please. That kind of thing. And it's it's it's'cause I'm filling a void of loneliness or or something else. And when I've mingled from that place, I end up attracting not the right person. And it's a lot of trauma bonding. Um and then, you know, in that space I'm far more likely to gloss over red flags. In that space I'm far more likely to like lower my standards. Just

Just because I want to feel, let's say, affection or I want to feel not lonely, right? Just cause I'm filling that void. So I will. betray a lot of my values that I just said just to have that feeling of feeling held. Yeah. Or or having company even even if it's just companionship, even if it's just a date. So um

What I'd look for now when I'm to know the difference is, you know, obviously the feeling, but if I'm still feeling bitterness, I'm like, oh, maybe this is not great. So bitterness towards men, which I hear a lot, uh a lot of y'all. See you in the Facebook group. Very bitter. You're a very, very, very bitter bunch. You know, I I did a connection circle called The Art of Being Single just last week for this exact reason'cause I'm like, okay, y'all need some

You'll need a reset. Anyway, so if you're feeling bitter towards men, towards the gay community, towards the world, towards your ex, towards other couples, maybe not a good time to be mingling. Yeah. If there's that desperation, then again, you're more likely to get it. attached to the ideas, to the fantasy, to gloss over things. So how I know is when it's coming from the space of curiosity and excitement and less of the desperation. Yeah.

Yeah. I laugh about the the Facebook group. It's it's spicy in there, man. Like there's some Serious spice. Yeah. I get it. I get it. It's not it's not uh it's it's it's a it's a sl yeah, yeah, it's not great. It's a slog out there, I get it. There's not great prospects, especially for for when you know who you want and you have high standards. You're gonna go through a lot of

Not great. It's gonna be like a ninety nine no's, but to get to that one yes, I think it's gotta be worth going through ninety nine no's. Yeah. You you have to say, Yeah, it's worth the ninety nine no's to get to the one yes. And if it's not, if if your tolerance is so low that you can't get to like Three no's. Yeah. Not a good time to be mingling. It's not coming from a genuine place, in my opinion.

It's also part of it too is because we're looking for love on sex apps, most of us. It's like We have nowhere in our wor in our in the gay world to find Love or platonic connection or anything. Like we're a very unique thing, but we don't have an app. It's not accessible in our community to meet guys.

for friends or right,'cause it's online. We don't have right. So This is a call to action for any of our listeners who are like app developers or you're out there in the gay community or you're an influencer or whatever, like let

put something together where we can build like apps where it's not about sex and it's about actually finding meaningful connection beyond that. Because we already have all the we got the grinder, we got the scruff, we got all the things where we can find sex and that's great. We need that.

But what about the other areas to find to find the type of connection that a lot of the guys in our community are yearning for? Right? It sucks. It sucks. I'm one of them. Like I when I open up Grinder I'm just like, ugh. Like it's it just feels like my my it makes my tummy sink.

Right,'cause it's this is the opposite of what I'm looking for, you know. Although you did meet somebody on Grinder Matt. I did. Yeah. No, I did. Yeah. It it it can happen. It can happen. I have met some great guys on Grinder too, but it's not I would say for me, it's not the norm. Yeah. Yeah. Well I was on it for six months and I found one person in six months. It's a pretty horrible ratio, if in my opinion. But yeah, you're right. You can still find somebody.

You just thought of something else. Another another way that I know when I'm ready to mingle after a period of being single was the question. When my self trust is pretty high. Yeah. So if I'm going in feeling like insecure or afraid, I'm gonna get trampled by not just online, but even in person too. Um and it's gonna hurt me and the rejection's gonna sting and it's just gonna take it's gonna take a lot versus when I'm going in, you know, with a lot of self

trust, you know, the ability to to have my own back and feeling like, yes, I will have my own back because I will get rejected and it will happen. And there are loads of emotional landmines out there in dating. So you have to be aware of what you're going into and that no matter what, you're gonna you're gonna come home to yourself and you're you're gonna just love yourself no matter what happens out there. That's how you know when you're ready to to get out there, especially in this gay world.

Yeah. Are so many so many opportunities to get hurt. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. I th I I'll build off of what you just said because I think uh it's a it's a great point. Self trust, I I think for me it's confidence. Like I know I'm ready to mingle when I feel confident because again I'm more introverted, so w being confident leans me more towards extroversion. So

And then there's this feeling of like wanting to put myself out there and wanting to take risks and knowing that if I do get rejected that I'm gonna be able to handle it. So I think For me, it's an energy of confidence. That's the number one thing that's gonna be the foundation of oh yeah, okay, I'm really wanting to start putting myself back out there again into the dating pool. Yeah. Yeah. Out of curiosity, you said grinder I know

We've talked about Hinge because I think Hinge is a good app for what you had just said because it doesn't allow you even to send photos. You can't send photos through that app. So yeah. Yeah, Hinge has been been okay. Tinder's been okay, but again, there's just not a ton of matches like I live in a city of two million, right? Whereas if you're in like a New York

a Toronto, a Chicago, like these places, then the hinges and the tinters are gonna be like loaded with people. But the pool's smaller on the non sex apps here, but the sex apps here are filled. Like there's tons, right? So you're kind of In a city like Hugo, you're re you're resorting eventually to the larger pools because the other ones dry up quicker, right? Yeah, I'm I'm on both grinder and hinge. And uh it's so funny this happened yesterday. Someone I matched with on Mm-hmm. Hinge.

We're chatting's like yeah, I but I live across the street from you. We've chatted on Grind. I'm like, Oh really? Okay, cool. And I went to

grinder profile and I looked at our chat and I'm like, oh this is a very different chat and a very different profile, which I get, I'm the same way. Like my grinder profile is very presents very differently. It's the same photos of me, but it just it's a different different vibe.

Yeah. And I was like, oh my gosh, it's so funny. His profile said like looking for a monogamy and you know, it is a very beautiful profile. And then like on Grindr when we chatted him, like it was very much we that wasn't covered. It was let's just say it wasn't covered. We covered a lot of ground. That wasn't one of them. Like it's the same person and I'm the same person, but where we chat is gonna bring up a very different outcome.

Uh yeah, yeah, exactly. It's true, right? And you never know the sides of people that they're representing on each one. But that also kind of scares me because I'm like, if if you have that much duality that you can be both of these things, like you know, like I don't know. It's like if you're if you're like a if you're super promiscuous when you're single, like does that say something about your capacity to be in a monogamous relationship?

Right? Or eventually are you gonna want to be promiscuous? Like you know what I mean? Like there's certain behaviors that I that I notice in people and I'm like, is that how they are going to be if they were in a monogamous container with me? Right? Like I don't know. And I'm not saying I'm not saying yes or no. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I'm just it's something I think about, right?

That's a fair question. And I think I I am one of those people. I can be very promiscuous when I'm single. And uh I think that does scare a lot of people, um, especially if you develop that reputation. Um, you know, someone, oh yeah, that's that like guy who's on grinder, or that's the guy who goes to the bathhouse, or that's the guy who's always talking about sex or whatever. It does it will I understand that that will scare some people away. Uh and I have had that happen actually.

But what I will say is then, you know, for other people who are willing to give that a chance, that to me that just endears me more to them. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I do believe also love can change people. So if they fall in love, like it completely can pull them away from that. You know, so it's again, it's time will only tell. I dated I dated someone who went

we dated, it was just like, oh my gosh, like everyone else just doesn't matter anymore. Yeah. You're the only one I wanna So yeah, it it could change. And that's just it, I think. But but you know, we're all different. That's the thing. I know that I can be very it's that Gemini energy. I can Very

I can play in many different pools and I think for some people that can be very overwhelming and scary'cause it's might come across is not like stable. Yeah. But for other people they can think that's very exciting and fun and adaptable, right? It really depends on you. And what you're looking for and what your values and needs truly are. Yeah.

Yeah, which is why it's choosing the right partner. Yeah. You know, like a lot of the work in in doing relationship work with people in is helping them fix their picker. Right? It's like you'cause our picker is the thing we usually pick from our nervous systems. And if our nervous system's in an unfamiliar or in a familiar pattern of dysfunction

Then we're gonna attract that. We're gonna attract avoidance. We're gonna attract anxiousness. We're gonna, right? So it's about really fixing that part of our nervous system. to being able to choose from a calmer place and we end up attracting calmer energy when we're from right? Yeah.

Yeah, I think it's just some uh some of the other things I s I I s you know, how do I know when I'm ready to mingle? Um I start to envision myself. I'm very imaginative and I have a strong like visual sense, so I will v envision you know this

person and I have this they have this image, but it's so interesting. There's no facial features on this image that I have. It's like an outline. It's I've always had this ever since I was even young of like how this person looks and walks and and is and I don't know, it's interesting. So I start to envision that and I guess yeah, there's an openness.

like an openness within me, my heart starts to open to like new experiences and I'm like more curious, these sorts of things. So yeah. And actually I will say this too, my social life is often thriving. Because if I'm in lone wolf energy, I'm not putting myself out there and I can go into that and I can spend a year, years in lone wolf energy and not want to be around people.

But when my social life feels fuller and I'm putting myself out there and then I'm more likely to feel also open to dating. Uh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's also healthy for me because then I won't lose myself in the relationship if I have other things going on. Do you do you meet people in real life or do you stick with apps?

I don't really go out into in gay settings here because the gay settings they're just not really my vibe. It's they're it's it's loaded with drinking and partying and things like that. I just it's just not it's not it. But I so I've joined a hockey team, so that and you know, like we'll do activities and stuff and go out for that. So yeah, I will do that. Um but yeah, I don't go to the clubs, I don't go to the bars, I don't do any of that. So I'd like to find

um things that I can do um that would have more more gay men that I can connect with, I think would be good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah. I I would love to hear from people on YouTube. So how do you know when you're ready to mingle? What's what are some of the signs that you get when when you're ready to put yourself back out there? And uh

We have a we have a whole streamline of in our coaching collection, uh the the Gaiman's Brotherhood coach coaching collection or the Game and Going Deeper coaching collection on relationships and dating. And uh this is a collection of 45 premium personal development coaching videos, as well as our two courses, building better relationships and healing your shame. So all this is going to be really, really relative to to this topic. If you are somebody who's hesitant.

to put yourself out there. There's a lot of fear, stuff around rejection, shame, these sorts of things. This coaching collection would be a perfect resource to start to prepare you mentally, get you into the right mindset to start putting yourself out there into the dating pool again.

Um so if this is something you're interested in, you can go to gaymengoingdeeper dot com and get more information about our coaching collection over there. All right, last question. So what would you like to experience? Let's plant little seeds of

of desire into the universe around what we want to manifest. So what would you like to experience this time around when it comes to dating or finding the right person? Throw me off with this question was the this time around because um Uh I I would just say more of the same. Like I've got a I've got a really good track record with guys that have been my long term partners and I've been blessed

The way that I see it is I don't have that, you know, childhood high school sweetheart, love of like love that last lifetime kind of love story. But I do have this amazing anthology of love stories. And I think that that's to me just so it's a such such a rich way to look back at the at the loves of my life. And they're all different. They're all they're all different but equally beautiful in their own way. And so I expect nothing less.

Then just another great love story. Whether I don't know how long it'll last, obviously, whether it lasts Till I die, or you know, just a a few years or just a few months even. I love my little love stories and and they're so nice to look back on. So I would say I would be looking for more of the same. What is different though? Because I I did wanna

honor your this time around bit is previously I put a lot of emphasis on like chemistry and like that attraction and like the you may be like, oh that guy. Like, oh, I want him. Which I still do obviously need to have some attraction in that. But I I have used the motto, butterflies yes, ulcers no. So if you feel butterflies in your tummy, that's nice.

I don't want to get a fucking ulcer from this man from all of the the anxiety and worry and chasing and like does he doesn't he oh my god all that nonsense. I don't want that. So butterflies, yes, ulcers no. And for me, the the difference I think for me is that that that energy needs to be calmer than maybe what I'm used to. Yeah. Comfortable, uh a lot more easy, maybe slower. And simpler.

I think historically I've been very drawn to like that fire that the who wouldn't be, right? Fireworks. But I've learned that that doesn't always work out for me. Yeah. And for something that's gonna last, something that's gonna settle into something nice and feel comfortable and feel at home and feel peaceful in my nervous system, I do still need a bit of butterflies. I don't need the big fireworks. So that's that's a bit different. Chemistry over chaos. Would be the difference.

Yeah, that's a big one. That's a really big one. It's it's and that's what I mean about the nervous system patterns coming together. It's like when you have two people that are playing out past nervous system stuff from attachment wounds, it's they're confusing chaos and chemistry with

compatibility and love and those two things, right? It's like there's a there's not enmu enough maturity or capacity in the nervous system to hold love at that point. So they're just playing out the same patternings. Right. And I'm I'm guilty of that for sure. And it's almost like

it's hard for it not for that not to happen when there's physical attraction and there's dopamine and serotonin and oxytocin flooding our brains and it almost becomes addictive. Right. Which is again another reason why I don't like the honeymoon phase. It's too scary, there's too much stuff, I feel like out of control and

It's just it's just yeah, it's it's too much for me. And maybe that also lends itself to the neurodivergent piece because I know for people that are neurodivergents, like limerence is not the same experience, right? And pe even people with ADHD, like there's there's something that happens in their brain when there's when there's a lot of dopamine in a connection that they can almost become ruminative and addicted and compulsive within the relationship. And I can be like that.

And it scares me. And I love your point on butterflies over ulcers. Yeah, like I've given myself I I I got ended up developing well, ten years ago I developed adrenal fatigue, like bad stage two adrenal fatigue because of really bad rumination from a relationship. He was very avoidant and I was I became very anxious in the relationship and I yeah, I ended up developing physical issues because there was too much anxiety for me in the relationship. So calm is actually one of the most

Potent indicators. If your nervous system feels calm with somebody, follow that. If your nervous system feels chaotic with somebody, don't follow that. That can be that's like the best advice that I've ever heard and like can give to the audience is just Chaos is not a good thing to follow. It's not love. It's not love. It might feel like it in some misguided way, but it's not. Love is safe. and calm.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're likely p playing out a mummy or a daddy wound if you are following chaos. Yeah. And sometimes we need that. Sometimes that we need to call that in. We need to actually get the wound activated and we need to go through all that crap. to heal, right? So I'm not saying like if you if you do that, there's no shame and you can look at it as a lesson learned. But if you want to save yourself some scarring, then for sure follow calm, not chaos.

My my I my my guilty part of that is the the chaos for me is chasing and that's been my You know, the unavailable man kind of thing, like or someone who's hard to get, or someone just just that is I it's very easy for me to fall into that. I know my pattern, I know why it's there. We don't need to get into that here. But for me, I'm like I it I'm attracted to it and then like my dick is like, oh yeah, that's what we want.

I'm like, wait a minute, no, that's not what I want. Like you have to kind of override that initial instinct. Um and and that's that's the pattern that I see play with myself in in terms of what chaos looks like. I'm not saying like chaotic is in his personality. No, no, no. I'm saying like the the chase of it is

Chaotic, he's not clear with me, he kinda plays hard to get, he bread crumbs me. I will fall for that guy very quickly. My nervous system will fall for that very quickly. Yeah. We're not doing that. Yeah. We're not going there. Yeah. Yeah, smart. Smart. We have to have our our higher self override that program because sometimes our nervous system tricks us and uh

Yeah. Or actually I shouldn't say that. Our nervous system doesn't trick us. I think we trick ourselves. Our ego will interpret our nervous system through trickery. Our nervous system is actually the thing that is communicating to us constantly, right? It's like our intuition. It's it's telling us, okay, something doesn't feel quite right here. So yeah. Do you feel complete with the question or is there more there for you?

What was the question again? What would you like to experience in dating, basically? The word that I love, um, that I love to use when I'm on dates or meeting people is co creation. I think that's really what I'm looking for. Like more than dating, more than, you know, a relationship. But that that word just Lights me up. And if it lights you up, then we should talk. But that that concept of co creation is really beautiful to me because

It is building something real. It's creating together. I love creating. You know that. You know, I'm not someone I'm not afraid of having big dreams, big goals, and I'm not afraid of anyone else's big dreams or big goals. In fact, I'm like your number one cheerleader as My exes will always tell you. The only thing that they say about me is that I'm the biggest

cheerleader and encourager of their dreams and goals. But I mean that's very much me. So I love big ideas. I love big conversations. I love big discussions. I I just love that stuff. So I'm not afraid of that. And I want the partner who Also isn't afraid of that, isn't afraid to co create because it's a big word. It's like life word. And have this concept of like we're in it together. Like, yes, you have your stuff and I have gotten my stuff.

But we're in this journey together and I will support you and you will support me and we're gonna go out and slay in our own f in our own race and you're gonna come we're gonna come home to each other and like Just be with each other and share the share the good, share the best parts and also share the worst parts and hold each other through that. It's kind of like this us against the world vibe that I love. Yeah. That's what I want.

I literally could just say s yeah, that's that's what I want. This is such a perfect way to to put it. I feel like and there was a lot of things in this past container that I just Co-created that would that had that. And that's why it's like it's kind of there's a lot of grief around like having to let this go. It was it was such a beautiful connection. And so yeah, I think that I want more of that, but I I want the spiritual piece to be aligned, like that we're both.

spiritually seeking and we've both done some work on ourselves and we're like we n understand and know ourselves really well. I think that's a big piece. I need that in a partner and so we can grow together. Right. And that um He I I know that this person can stand on their own two feet and I can stand on my own two feet and that he'll have his opinions and he'll disagree with me and he'll challenge me. Yeah. Right. That's like important. I need that in a relationship.

So I'm looking for that. But there's part of me right now, like in the single ready to mingle energy, I'm looking for fun, light. I would actually be okay with meeting a guy that creates a little bit of chaos in my nervous system and having sex and that's it. And just saying, We're just gonna have sex and we're gonna be f you know in that energy because if I can have a c if I can have that

I can't I can as a demisexual. If I have that charge and that chemistry, I can have sex with that person. Um, because I feel like I do I would like to have more sex. It's something that I don't have enough of in my life because I don't really find guys that I'm super drawn to wanting to do that with. And uh if I could find more of that, then yeah, I'd love to call that in.

There was one other thing that this notion of sharing ideas, I never realized how important this is to me in a relationship, and this is probably the sapiosexual part of me. I'm very much love sharing ideas.

and like just ping ponging back and forth. And the thing I love sharing ideas with them about the most is co creation in the relationship. Like, okay, where are we gonna live? What kind of, you know, this do we want? What do we want here? And like There's a a very co-creative thing that happens in relationships and I I always do this and this past relationship had this so nicely and we It's almost like where we can co co create the identity of us and through sharing ideas and sharing like

future and and these sorts of things. So that's really important. I need a man who has capacity to to do that and to commit and to prioritize the relationship and who's good with boundaries. And all these things. So all these little seeds I'm planting, universe, hear me. I want all these things. So yeah.

That's calm. Yes. I'll put that on the t the cherry on the top of my Sunday that I just created. I want my nervous system to feel calm with this man because I can't be in a relationship where the person makes my nervous system feel chaotic and and anxious. Yeah. And if this sounds like you, now's the time to let you know that you can contact Matt at

Yeah, except. Yeah, that I would agree. I would agree with that. I think we're we're so similar. I think the one way that we're different is is you're more on the demisexual spectrum than I am. I I c I I can play in the in the sexual field without having an emotional connection. Of course, I enjoy when there is one and that's very different to me, but I I can easily

have sex and hookups and whatever. And it doesn't it doesn't necessarily get in the way of my um search for a partner. Yeah. In fact, some of the people that I met have been a hookup that I just like, Oh, you I feel very comfortable with you here and like do you want to stay and cuddle a bit? And like, yeah, sure, I'll stay and cuddle and the next thing you know they sleep over and the next thing you know we're doing something in the morning. I'm like, Oh.

Yeah. Like this was Are we dating? Yeah. Um, or sometimes they, you know, it's just it is what it is. It's just a one time thing. And I'm okay with that. That's the part about that I was saying at the beginning, like it's always such a surprise to him, like, oh I was not expecting this person that I shared five words with on an app to suddenly be in my life, like yeah for for such a extended period of time. But hey, you never know. Yeah.

I have a question for you before we wrap up. We got three minutes. Yeah. What would you do or how would you respond if you started dating this guy and you felt like really strong feelings from your like, Yeah, like I want to be with this person, but you ended up finding out that they had slept with your best friend. Oh yeah, that's fine. I mean... Where I live in the circles that I I run in here, like it's it's almost inevitable, especially with my friends.

Yeah. I hope they're listening to that'cause that was uh that was meant for them. Yeah, and I mean like it's just but that's just the nature of where I live in the the circles I run in. I mean I'm in the village. This is just it wouldn't be a surprise.

And if it if it was something that happened in the past, it's fine. I mean, my best friends now all have long term relationships, so there's there's no issue there. I mean, at the end of the day, there's really nothing that we haven't seen or shared between me and my core group of friends. So Yeah. Not initial. Yeah.

Uh it depends on how long ago. That's probably the biggest factor. If it was like a week ago, then yeah, I'd probably wouldn't be okay with it. But if it was like in the past and it had b it had closed and there was closure around it, then yeah, I would I wouldn't have an issue with it.

Yeah. Yeah. I I'm lucky that I've got a great group of friends and I this happened last weekend. We went out. It was my first weekend back in the city, back in Toronto. So we went out. And this guy that I had had a crush on for a very long time, he actually listens to this podcast. He might be listening right now. You know who you are. He just broke up with his partner while I was away.

And I was like and my best friend's like, Oh, he's single, like go for it. And um Yeah, I did and we did and and it was very, very nice and I got to kinda confess that I've had these feelings for him, but I I kept him to myself'cause I knew he was in a relationship and

And I'm I'm not gonna be that guy. But my friend had actually hooked up with him previously. But it was totally fine. It was like, Oh yeah, whatever, like you go for it. I mean that's just like that that's just the the way that we roll. It's probably a lot different too in a city like Toronto where you have Right. It's just it's different.

Yeah. I mean it's it's it's a small pool though. Like yes, there's lots, but you know and I've been here for a while. I mean, I I've been around the block a couple of times. So at this point if I'm s if I'm seeking someone who Like if that's if that's a requirement for me, it's really limiting me. But I will say this, oddly enough, I haven't tried for this, but the guys that I've really fallen for, the guys that I've had the most success with.

What if you want to use that word? Have been guys who are not even at all remotely in the scene. I've found them completely outside of it randomly. And that has been where I have had the most meaningful relationships. Not by choice. It just has happened to be that way. Yeah, interesting. Yeah, I have a rule. So I've got there's a a handful of guys in this city that I'm really close with, they're like considered my my best gay guy friends.

And I have a rule that I w once they've dated somebody like that person's off limits, like I wouldn't go there unless it was years later and I actually asked them, Hey, are you okay if Right. But I just I'm I'm not that kind of person. I would I would feel too like especially doing it behind their back, like having sex with their ex or dating their ex or anything like that. It just feels like yucky to me.

crossing something a line that doesn't feel right for me. I think X is different than a hookup though. Like I wouldn't I wouldn't I wouldn't date my Best friends or friends' exes, like where they were actually in a relationship. That's that's different. But yeah, yeah. If they hooked up one time, I'm like, Yeah, okay, whatever. Oh yeah, totally. Yeah.

'Cause you wouldn't even really know, right? Like it's not like my friends are telling me all everyone they're hooking up with. Right. Yeah. But if it was an actual X where I knew they were together and they had a thing, then no no no, that's that's off limits. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, interesting.

All the stuff. All right. Any closing comments from you? You can find me on Instagram at Willismo Coach. If any of this appeals to you, our information is in the show notes. Say hello. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, this was fun. It's nice to talk about this sort of stuff. Um and yeah, thanks guests for coming on another journey with us, or listener, viewers.

Um yeah, drop some some comments on YouTube. Let us know your thoughts about this episode and what got uh what got activated for you in a positive or or a negative way. And just a reminder that this is uh this channel is listener and viewer supported. If you enjoy what we're creating, you can support us by making a donation to the show. And there's a link in the show notes or you Button on YouTube. Access option on Apple early access to our episodes. For a small

Yeah, we'll hope to see you at our next connection circle. Michael and I each host one per month, so come and join us. For everything. All right. Much love everybody.