First Dates

Welcome to Gay Men Going Deeper, a podcast series by the Gay Men's Brotherhood where we talk about personal development, mental health and sexuality. We are your host, Michael Dioreo, is a life and wellness coach specializing in relationships and self-confidence. Reno Johnson is a spiritual life, love and business coach. And I'm Matt Lancidel, a counselor and facilitator specializing in healing and empowerment.

We each have our own practice and in this podcast we're sharing all of our best stuff. Today we are going to be talking about first dates, how to have a successful first date. And we're going to be exploring questions like, how do you know if the first date was successful? What are you typically looking for on a first date? And what are good questions to ask on a first date?

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And lastly, if you're new here, please subscribe to our channel both on YouTube and on our podcast platform. It really helps us get into the ears and the eyes of the people that need us so it helps us out tremendously. Okay. So first dates. There's a lot in this topic. There can be a lot to be talked about. First dates are, I think for a lot of people, a mixed bag of feelings. It can be exciting, it can be nerve-wracking, it can be joyful.

There's so many different experiences that we can have on first dates. And I think it's important to, you know, the titles talking about how to have a successful first date. And I want to expand what that could mean. Successful could look like challenging yourself, you know. Having rejection well, meeting Mr. Wright and having an amazing, amazing time. So I think it's important to expand our intention and have like an expansive intention when we're going on a date.

We can have a primary intention, which is like, yeah, I'm dating because I want to find somebody I can commit my life to and have a relationship. But I think it's also important to have secondary intentions that you can fall back on if it's not the right person for you. Could you have had fun? Could you have learned something about yourself? So yeah, sometimes people have intentions to find their soulmate, to have fun, to learn about yourself, to grow, to face your fears.

And I think the more that we have, the more intentions we have in our toolkit, the more likely we're going to be able to have a successful, I use air quotes first date. But to say that, I also want to honor that I've talked about challenges and excitement. So the challenges of having of dating can be, you know, I think for gay men, there's a lot of variables. There's a lot of moving parts. You know, in a heterosexual relationship, you often know who the top and the bottom is, right?

In gay relationships, there's sometimes you have these variables that come into play. There's lots of things that can come into play when it comes to dating. I find, at least in my experience. There's a lot of variables that have to align in order to meet somebody that you're compatible with. I also think that's, that's in a heterosexual sense as well. There's just dating requires a lot of stars to align if you're looking to find your person. Okay. And dating can bring up a ton of anxiety.

I know for me on a first date, I tend to have butterflies and I'm like, how is this going to go? You know, is this person going to sit down and I'm going to have zero energetic attraction to this person? I don't have to spend an hour or two with them, you know, like when I don't really want to. Or do I have to like speak up and say, you know what, this isn't right for me. And I have a very uncomfortable conversation and get up and leave. Right?

It can, there's this high probability of awkwardness on, on first dates. Vulnerability can be really scary if you do find someone you like and it's like you have to be vulnerable and share parts of yourself. It can bring up our fears and our triggers, right? If we get rejected or it doesn't go well, it can bring up, bring up discomfort for us. And it can bring up hopelessness too.

If we're dating and dating and dating and dating and we haven't found anybody that's a match, it can feel like, is there something wrong with me? Why can't I not find the right person? So those are some challenges of dating that I came up with. I'm sure they'll be more throughout the episode. And then the excitement because I was like, I can with my attachments, so I can tend to over and fixate on the challenges of dating.

So I'm like really trying to like, I had to work hard to find, okay, yeah, dating can be exciting again and these sorts of things. So having fun, dating can be fun. You don't have to, if you go in with the intention of this, I have to find my soulmate. This is the, this is the person. It can kill at first date, right? Because it feels like an interview or whatever. If you can, can you just go and have fun and enjoy being present with this person and have a fun connection with them, right?

You can use dating as an opportunity to get to know yourself better. I know this podcast attracts personal development junkies and dating and relationships are probably the most powerful way to learn about yourself and grow. You get to practice curiosity with another person and make them feel seen and heard, which can be really beautiful.

And the, the last, the feeling of lust and attraction, it's very intoxicating and first dates can be this, if there is a charge, can feel really, really nice being like, oh, this is amazing and you can anticipate, like, you know, sexual connection and these sorts of things. So first dates can be really, really beautiful as well. So let's now explore how we would know if the first date was successful or not. And let's start with Michael. Yay. I love this topic. Thank you, Matt, for the intro.

You guys both know, but maybe the audience doesn't know that we've been, the, the, the, this one has been kind of on the back burner for a while because I've recently re entered the dating scene. And so I wanted it to be, and we all wanted it to be like something that we can be a little bit more personal with. So I'm coming at this episode today with a lot of personal experience. I'm really excited to kind of bring that into it. The last dating era for me, I was 35 to 37 and now 40.

So it's a little bit different. A lot of things have changed in my life. I have changed. I'm doing this new dating phase is a bit of a new man. And I'd say so far dating in my 40s is different than it was a few years ago. I know it was just a few years, but honestly, I have been able to some changes. So yeah, I'll speak to a little bit of that today. And what I did to prepare is I actually made a list of the first dates that I've been on since the time of recording.

And yeah, I kind of, I love, I love this question. How do you know the first day was successful? So what I came up with was three telltale for me signs that a first day was successful. Obviously, the answer is how I feel, but I mean, I want to be a bit more specific with you guys. So I was like, okay, what does that mean? Like, what what feeling am I looking for? That's the question I asked myself here.

So the three things that tell me that a first day was successful is that I'm more attracted to them now or after the date than I was before. So something has happened during that time together where I'm now more attracted to you, whether it's physical, emotional, intellectual, whatever that is, right? So there's like usually at the end of the day, there's just yearning of like, am I going to kiss them? Are we going to kiss? Are we going to touch what I want to do? I want to be close to them.

And a rule for me that I've set for myself in this phase of dating is that I'm not going to have sex on the first date. I often do want to like my penis is saying, yes, we do, yes, we do, but my heart and mind are being like, no, Michael, just chill, just chill, slow down a bit. Oh, yeah. So there will be a yearning at the end for like more. The second thing is I don't want it to end. So when the date's happening, like usually kind of can go late if it's at night.

And typically I'm like a bad time guy. I'm like, wait, it's time for a bad, I really like to get into my bed by myself. I mean, but I'll find that I don't want it to end. I'll want more. And so how well know that that's the case is I'll be hoping in my mind that we get to do this again. It's kind of like that. So I want to do this again. I hope he wants to do this again. Who's going to say what? Should I say something? You know, that kind of like, oh, I really want more of this.

Like I don't want this to be the last or the only time we meet up. That's number two. And then the third thing is usually the next day or in the days after, I'm still kind of lingering in that happy feeling. I'm still lingering in that. That was fun. I want more of that or kind of soaking in the joy of it, the satisfaction of it and how I can tell that that's the case is I'll usually want to like tell someone about it, like text my bestie and be like, guess what? I just met this guy.

But blah, blah, blah. And I really enjoyed it. So there's a little bit of excitement afterwards. So it's kind of like a lingers. And I want to see him again. In my typical gem in my mind, I'm very fleeting from one thing to the next thing. And so sometimes I tend to forget about things and forget about people and forget about messages. I'm not great at that. I'm trying to get better. But if this experience lingers with me, then I know that that's a good sign.

So those are my three telltale signs that it has been a successful first date. I have a question for you before we move on to Reno. How is dating different in your 40s? You said it's different. That's a whole other podcast. So many ways. But I think for me, I'm just in a different phase of my life and I'm looking for like I know more deeply what I want.

I'm so I like I thought I was I thought I wasn't willing to put it with bullshit before, but now it's just like I'll give you an example on this one of the first dates I had recently. I think the guy listens to this podcast. Yeah, he does actually. You'll know who I'm talking about or he'll know who he is. But he said to me something, but we're discussing the time and he was in traffic and he had to get there. A blah blah blah.

And I said, flat out, this might sound mean to some people, but in my mind, I'm like, oh, this is great. I said, I will wait for you for 10 minutes. And if you're not there and I don't and I don't hear from you. I'm leaving. And that's that. Just flat out, say it. Yeah. And he's like, oh, that's good to know because there's a good chance I'll be stuck in traffic. So what he did, he's like, okay, here's what we'll do.

I'll send you my location because I'll be driving and that way you can kind of gauge where I'm at and whether you want to wait or not. I was like, God bless. Like green, green flag for me, that kind of level. But anyway, I wouldn't have done that maybe five years ago. I would have just kind of waited and sat there and like, oh, I hope he's coming. But these days I'm like, no, I'm waiting 10 minutes and then I'm gone. I got shit to do. Yeah, yeah, more fears. It sounds like more. Yeah, it's good.

I love that. I like that for you. That's just one example of many that we can talk more about that later. Yeah. Maybe we'll have an episode on that at some point. I think we're doing dating again and a few months after this. Yes, we are. Yes. Cool. What about yourself, Reno? How do you know if a first date was successful? Well, I mean, Michael just like stole all the good ones. I was like, oh, my God, whatever you would say after that. My goodness.

Yeah. I mean, for obvious reasons, like number one for me is fun. You know, did we have fun? When it comes to dating, like something I realized is there's like two parts for me. People think that when you go in a date, you're there to like sort of perform and impress the person that you're on a date with. And I think that like it works both ways in my experience. So, you know, yes, they may be like auditioning me, but like I'm also auditioning them, you know?

And I think when I recognize that, when I remember that, it allows me to relax a little bit and not be like, you know, in this like totally performative place the whole time. It's like, okay, we're on a level playing field, right? But even that aside, sometimes I'll even just let the idea that like I'm auditioning them and they're auditioning me go and just really relax into having a good time, you know? Like what would make this date? What would make this date fun?

And I say a second thing that I notice that qualifies a good date for me is growth. So I really appreciate when I'm with a person and we're on a date and like, I don't know, something a bit edgy comes up or something a bit vulnerable comes up and we're able to navigate that. Something about that for me is a testament to what like, I don't know any sort of future relationship or interaction might look like. So I'm not afraid of, you know, like those edgy, those edgy areas in a first date.

And I'll kind of happily explore them like I won't force it, but I'm not afraid to go there, you know, and it just makes things really juicy and interesting. I remember recently I met this guy and we went to this dessert shop. Well, basically it was actually, it was so much fun. He was downstairs after this event I was volunteering at and I saw him downstairs and we started talking and then we ended up going for a walk. And I said, I said, do you trust me?

And he said, yeah, and I said, okay, we're going to go to this place. No, I said, I'm going to take you somewhere that I love. Do you trust me? And he said, yeah, and I said, okay, let's go. So we like went to this dessert shop. And while we were there, so that was like, that was like number one for me. I was like, okay, this is awesome. I love this. So we ordered the dessert and we sit down and I said to him, so were you waiting outside for me when I came downstairs?

Like I asked him directly if he was waiting for me. And he started laughing and he was like, I was wondering when you were going to ask me that. And he's like, what do you think? And I said, of course, you were waiting for me. And he said typical Scorpio, like they said I'm waiting for him. But anyway, it's just like, I don't know, it's like for me, there was a bit of fun. There was a bit of an edge and, you know, and we both really had a good time.

And then I think the last thing for me would be like attraction, you know? So am I like Michael said, am I still attracted to you or more attracted to you following the end of the day? You know, it's like, do I feel drawn to you? Do I want to continue to see you? Do I want to continue to engage with you? And do you feel that way as well? Because that's important. And I think like, I guess one of the last things I'll say is, you know, it took me years to get this. But like, they're not a match.

If they don't like you back, you know, like, I, because I know I would sort of ruminate in these like stories and thoughts and ideas in my head, like, oh, but, you know, but they've got, but I felt it, but they've got to be the one or whatever, you know? And it's like, well, no, like if they're not a match, if they're not also into you, like then they're not, they're not a match. They're not the one, you know?

And that was really, that was a, that was a real sort of aha moment for me that like, allowed me to just stop pursuing anyone who it wasn't reciprocal with. And just move on. It was like, okay, that was fun. We had a good time. I lived, I learned, we laughed. It was great moving on, you know? So yeah, I think that's it. Yeah. Yeah. What about you, Matt? Well, I just want to say I resonate with what you're sharing because I used to attract emotionally unavailable or like avoidant men.

And I think it's like a product of like growing up like in a maybe a household where your needs didn't go met. So it's like you're in your, you're familiar with wanting to attract something that's not there for you. My god, daddy. Yeah, it's like, yeah, totally. Totally. Yeah. Yeah, that's a love me. So I'm like, love me. Love me, you know? Yeah. And when you're willing to put up with that anymore, it's like, no, you're not reciprocating. You're not showing up.

It's like, you're not showing up responsively in the level that I need, like, and willing to walk away from that, like, it shows that you're, you're really, yeah. Yeah. And you said it earlier, too, like, I think this is also really important is how you quantify and qualify a successful date because I was going to joke that you know a date was successful. A first date was successful.

If there's a second one and like, I was kidding, because I've gone on some dates that were like, it was just the first date and there was no other date. And I'm like, no, it was successful, you know? We had fun. We laughed. We grew. It was great. We learned some things. Now I'm closer to knowing what is a fit and what isn't. You are too. It's like awesome, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Growth mindset, I think, is so key to approach to dating.

We talk about growth mindset a lot and like our goals and growth, but like you can apply that. That you just said, right? I was like the perfect example of taking that and applying it to a dating situation. Yeah. Yeah. Hopefully. Yeah. There's always a nugget of growth within all failure or things like that. That's the growth mindset. We have an up podcast on it. If you, I'm not sure which one it is, but it's a way, a ways back. A couple of ways back. Way back. Way back when.

Yeah. Okay. So how do I know if a first date was successful? So yeah, along with what Reno said, I feel good after. I feel expansive. I always govern things based off of my intuition. So yes, and go ahead means expansive, heart opens and constriction, closure, tummy, all in knots and stuff is like constriction. It's like not a good experience for me. So I very semantically map things like that. So attraction creates expansiveness. I want to move toward them. So I'll feel like my heart opens.

Yeah. My genitalia opens like that part of things. They have the attraction. And I feel. I feel valued is a big thing. So that's how I feel good after. I'm like, yeah, they took an interest in me and they wanted to learn about me. And there was just they did that. They leaned into me as well. I wasn't too much because I can sometimes feel like that. Like I'm very, I can be very intense and I can go very deep, very quick with people.

So like I find that sometimes people can perceive me as too much. So that's so level of reciprocation is equal. Like what you said, we know that's a good, a good, because I didn't have that on my, my little list here. So it was good to be reflected that. A big one for me is that I was true to myself. I was authentic because again, I've brought in feedback that I am too intense, but I'm not going to tone myself down for people. I want to find somebody that can match my level of intensity.

So I was true to myself. I talked about the things that interest me, which sometimes are the things that interest to other people, right? And it's like, yeah, I was true to myself. This is a huge, huge aspect of what I define as successful. There was expressed interest during the date to meet again. It's like, you know what? I'm really enjoying this. This is so fun. Like we should do this again or something like that. Like that mirror of the fun is also being, being reciprocated.

And then to that, there's follow up after the date. So usually on successful dates for me, the person always messages, you know, like maybe even sometimes right after we split, like, you know, that was so awesome. Let's do it again or something like that. The person that like plays the game of like, oh, got to wait three days before you message them again or else they're going to think your needy or whatever, like plays out that crap. It's like, no, like even 24 hours.

I'm like, if you enjoyed yourself, let's just be real. If you have an urge to want to message me, message me. I don't like games and I'll sense them right away. And that's like a sign of an, not a successful date. The person has a lot of eye contact and was leaning into me. I love eye contact and I think it's just a sign that somebody's really endearing and connecting with you and they're really appreciating you and what you're saying.

And then so those are all like kind of the positives, you know, positives. And so the last one is that I handled rejection well and I recovered quickly because for me, that's a sign of a successful first date that was meant to teach me something that maybe I didn't want, right? But I was maybe meant to be rejected and feel humility or move through the feelings of rejection in a conscious way. And that's what happened to me recently.

I went on a date and I think I talked about this, but the guy I could feel his energy closing off because I was really intense and the things I wanted to talk about. And it almost felt like he was threatened by me a little bit or something and I felt rejected. So afterwards, I just felt this really sinking, shameful feeling like I was too much and I should have dialed it back and then, but then I recovered quick.

I just sat in my car after and I was like taking breaths and I was breathing into like my ego feelings around it all. And I was connecting with my higher self, which is like this person was not a fit for you. Like if they can't handle you on date one, they're not going to be able to handle you on date 10, trust me, right? So I was able to like really recognize like this is, so I was able to recognize my value and that I was authentic.

So that for me was a successful first date because I was able to see that I needed to learn that I needed to hold my space for myself and have compassion for myself, which is so essential on the dating in the dating world, having compassion for yourself because it feels like at every turn there's an opportunity for rejection, ghosting, all these things that can really bring up a lot of shitty feelings for us. So yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I want to say something as well that just came up.

Like imagine we all went on dates wanting the person we're sitting across from like I feel expansive as I say this, wanting the person we're sitting across from to win, you know, like imagine that's how we came in wanting, wanting them to feel relaxed, wanting them to have fun, wanting them to be their most authentic self, whether it meant to first story a second date or not, but I just think like something about holding that energy and that intention gives way to something really beautiful.

And it also kind of takes the pressure off of us like, you know, instead of me focusing on like being completely focused on myself and, you know, performing and whatnot, I'm like how can I hold the person sitting across from me in like reverence and love and admiration and kind of like, you know, just yeah, yeah, like gas them up a bit, you know, yeah, because it's I've seen it. It's been so brilliant for me.

I've seen like I have a friend and someone said like where did this guy come from like you guys are like so close all the sudden like you're you know, and they were just so surprised like what how did this happen? And I'm like, I think I just chose to love him. I think I was just like I love him. And then that was it.

And then it was just beautiful, you know, so even if even if you don't it doesn't end up being the one like what if you could just come into every date you went on in that energy, you know, I think it could be beautiful. Are you dating this guy? No like we're friend dating. It's a bromance. Yeah, it's a bromance. We cuddle and shit too. We like cook together and we have sleepovers and we go for like desserts and this is the chocolate strawberry guy. Yeah, yeah, that's him. Yeah, it's super cute.

I love it. Yeah. Yeah. That is cute. Yeah. Okay. We're going to move on to question two. So what are you typically looking for on a first date, Mr. Michael? Alrighty. So many things. You guys named a lot of them fun. Not you talked about being valued and seemed like there are so many things that you guys already mentioned. I think for me and what attracts me to somebody, the first thing would be like a good conversation.

Someone who is able to go a bit deeper, like you both have set, like not just stick to the surface stuff, like I really get attracted to people when I sense that there's a bit of vulnerability and that intimacy really draws me in authenticity. So I mean, we've talked about before that we can sense bullshit a mile away. I don't even think at this point, at this stage, and this is another difference from dating in my 40s than before.

People don't even get to the point of a date with me unless I've gone through a lot of filters and one of which would be the authenticity. So by the time I'm on a first date with somebody, all the ones that I've been on lately, they have been fantastic because my filter is so, so stringent. But I would just hope that the authenticity I sensed in our exchanges beforehand would continue in our day. There also needs to be a bit of like hardiness.

I really, I mean, you guys know that there's a mischievous side of me. I like to have a bit of fun. So yes, we can go deep, but also I want a little bit of wit. I want some flirtation. And just a little bit of lighthearted and someone who can show me that he can have a bit of fun, he can chill out a bit. That's really important to me. So all that in the conversation sense, like the conversation flows, it's good. I mean, of course, there might be silent moments and some awkwardness.

And I'm okay with that. I don't expect it to be like flawless in the first date, but it needs to feel like doable for me. Like, okay, this is this is someone I can continue getting to know. The conversation is one. I do, you guys already talked about it. I'll say it again, presence, listening. So many people do not know how to stay present, old space and listen. So if I'm speaking, I prefer listening by the way in a date. I'm the one who's like, sure, I can hold the space. I love listening.

I love asking questions. I prefer that role. So in the last day that I had is like, I feel like I'm talking to you too much. I want to hear about you. And I'm like, no, no, no, I like it. I prefer this. But anyway, he started asking me some questions. Like, okay, if I could do this, but he was so like, he leaned in just like, as you said, Matt, his eyes were on me. I didn't see his phone the entire night, which for me is a great sign. And my phone was away the entire night as well.

But I contact was there. Like, I can just tell he was actually listening. And it sounds like such an easy thing to do. But I think a lot of people, especially in a first date, can get really stuck in their head. But like, what am I doing? What am I saying? Oh, my God. Can you see this? And like, we kind of forget to listen sometimes. So that's a huge one. I put that under the category of presence, just being present with me. And then of course, chemistry.

So yeah, that attraction, that energy between us, there's a bit of flirtation. So these are all things that I kind of want from a first date, especially if I'm just meeting them in person for the first time. So if I've only chatted with them online, and this is the first time we're actually meeting, then I'm definitely looking for some kind of actual attraction. Because so many times, all their pictures could be perfection and very hot. And then once I meet them in person, I'm like, ah, sorry.

There's just nothing there. Right? So I'm looking for that chemistry too. Yeah. Among many other things, these are just three, but I mean, I don't want to go on. But yeah, these are some of the main ones for me. Yeah. When was the state that you had? It was on Tuesday. Oh. It's just a few days ago. Yeah. And I want to add the thing about being late. What was right about him is he's he's semi-sulcated so I can kind of track where he was in terms of how late he was going to be.

And then he also semi-tested of messaging, grab the first drink. It's on me, grab whatever you want, sit down, get comfy, have a drink. I'll be there. I promise. And I was like, that is my kind of man. Yeah. That's so good. Yeah. That. Cool. Yeah. I'm really curious for both of you, like to see who you attract next. I always just, I'm so fascinated by stuff like that. You're talking about us too? Both of you guys.

Yeah. Yeah. Like, I always like meeting people's partners and like seeing who they attract. And like always like, you know, I like feeling into people's love because like as an empath, I can feel, right? And it's just, I don't know, it's just a beautiful thing. There's a guy at my gym. We haven't run into each other again yet. But we finally spoke after like weeks of making eye contact and kind of saying hello and stuff. So I'm like, hmm, I think it's going to go somewhere.

I have a feeling, I have a feeling about, we'll see. Stay tuned because I'll share it here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they'll definitely be tea. I'm going to answer this question in kind of a different way. So I'm imagining. So the question is, what are you typically looking for in a first date? So like for me, when I think about my deal first date, like as it occurs to me in this exact moment, it's like, we meet up. And there's time to ground.

So like we, you know, either he comes in or we find somewhere to sit and we just take a moment to land and connect to one another. And it's not like it's not like so planned out and sort of premeditated so to speak, but I'm just speaking to like the ideal. But there's like room and space for us to connect. You know, so we're making eye contact, we're checking in. How are you? How was your day? How are you feeling?

You know, but just taking a moment to pause to land and to get like what you said about the body connection, Matt and the somatic experience, I think it's like so important because I'm feeling my way through dating, you know, like I'm not there is some, there is some like cerebral activity, but I'm very much like intuiting and feeling my way through the date, which is often really exciting because it leaves a lot of room for spontaneity and the unexpected.

And if you're into that, I'm your person. And then I would say from there, I think like spontaneity, spontaneity, I think is really important. It's a turn on for me. That is a turn on for me. You know, so we're again, we're both like tuned in, we're both checking in and we're kind of exploring like what's present, you know, what's present, where do we want to go? And also like who's leading and who's following?

Because I'm like, I would say I'm a verse bottom and I don't just mean in the bedroom, I mean like in life. So I'm happy to be like, okay, I'm going to take us on an adventure, here's what my intuition is telling me we're going to do. But I'm also totally open to them being like, do you trust me? Like we're going to go do this. So that to me is really exciting. I'm okay with something being pre planned or premeditated.

I also just think it's so fun to kind of drop into the moment and tune into where we're at. And then just move from there. And sometimes we just end up like hanging out on the couch with some candlelight and some music and some treats and just like hours of deep conversation and maybe a bit of snuggles.

Sometimes we're like, let's throw on our jackets and our shoes and just like wander spontaneously through the city into this like dimly lit bar or, you know, this place over here that seems interesting or walk along the sea wall or nature, you know. So that like it's kind of like all bets are off, you know. It's really an intuitive spontaneous thing for me, I think that's it for me. Yeah. Snuggles and treats. Yeah. Oh my god.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It reminded me of our, I think it was, it wasn't our first friend date. We know. Our first date. Yeah. But when we were in Vancouver and we fell asleep on the beach, it was like, okay, this, yeah. And that if like of the signs that a date, friend date, romantic date went well, if we, if I fall asleep, it's not a bad thing. It's a good thing. It means my body and my nervous system are so comfortable around you that I can relax, you know.

So it's like if we can nap together, you're, we're winning. You're winning. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. It's a great, great way to look at it. The nervous system is always speaking, right? And it's like safety. Yeah. Yeah. So that's actually, I'm going to start there then. That's a good thing. Yeah. Because I didn't have it down. I wrote down comfortable, but for me comfortable would happen when I'm feel safe. So yeah, that's, I think that's a big one.

And that for me is like a, it's like a ping pong game, right? Like safe unsafe for me would be if I throw the ping pong and it doesn't get reciprocated or it's like, there's just not that thing. We're not dancing together. Right? And I've been on a few dates like that where it just feels like pulling teeth or it's just like, there's no rhythm, you know. So for me, like the rhythm is really important. I'm trying to, I have it. There's a, well, I'll say it first, value alignment.

Okay. So I'm excited to this one too, because I can be very, very hardcore in like, is this person aligned to me? Like, they have to be 100% aligned to me. This is like my trauma self. You know, the parts of me that maybe you're still healing that are like looking for reasons why this person's going to betray me or hurt me. So like, there's value misalignment. So I'm actually off the dating pool right now. And I'm like, I'm going on friend date. So I've changed to all my apps.

Well, the only app I use, which is Tinder, I've changed it to dating, or looking for friends. That's it. And I've been going on friend dates and learning how to have platonic connection with gay men and learning how to swipe with energetic resonance of is this person going to bring value to my life, not to my dating life. And it's been actually a really very cool lesson. I've been learning from this. But it is. So when I go on a first date romantically, that is really important to me.

Still value alignment because all of my previous relationships, there was red flags. And I didn't, I chose not to see them or I didn't see them. They led to the demise of the relationship. One of them is drinking alcohol. I don't want to date somebody that drinks alcohol. And I have made the sacrifice. And I'm like, okay, I'm just going to, you know, maybe they'll change or whatever. And it never, whenever you have to go into a relationship of looking like, you know, I, hopefully they change.

That's a very big red flag. You don't want to go into a relationship having to change somebody, at least for myself. It's important to find somebody. So values is just so key. And I'm always assessing for values. Energetic connection is important. So again, that resonance, that dance, that flow. Do I feel expansive? Do I want to move towards them? Can I envision myself being naked with them? Like these things are, are important. So physical attraction. Level of consciousness.

So I spend and have dedicated my life to a spiritual path. So I have an expansive level of consciousness, meaning that I can see myself in many different lights. I understand my parts. I understand my shadows. I have a strong ability to be able to tune into other people. And I do this work for a living. So somebody that has a connection to their own consciousness.

I'm not going to say that they have to match mine because I don't know if that's possible because I would need to find somebody that's dedicated their life to the exact things I have. And that's not reasonable, right? So I think somebody that has a connection to themselves and self-awareness and introspection and these sorts of things, they take responsibility for themselves. These are really important qualities that I look for. Ability to hold space.

So like you said, Michael, listening, like active listening, reflecting, sharing how my share impacted you. Let's take it to those levels. Like I think holding space for one another is such an important quality in a relationship. And I would say if I'm going on a date with somebody, I'm looking probably to connect with them romantically further. And then through the holding space and the listening, that they take a genuine interest in me. I think that's so, so important.

Like, yeah, feeling seen and heard. It's like the two things I need in a relationship in order to feel valued. So if somebody asks me a lot of questions and they take an interest in me, I think we're off to a good start. Yeah. Okay. This is juicy. This is juicy. Yeah, I knew. You see dating is always a juicy one. It's so relevant now for me. I mean, you guys have been dating for, you guys have been in the dating pool for a while.

I like my thought you switched your strategy, I guess, or what you're doing there. Yeah. Yeah. Do you want to know why I've done it? It's because I've thought about this. I'm like, I have trust issues in relationships, right, because of my attachment style. So I have a fear of being betrayed. So when I go into relationships, I tend to be this like, you know, hyper vigilant looking for reasons why they would hurt me.

And if I can go into a friend friendship connection, I don't carry this energy, right? And I want to learn about somebody and I want to take it super slow. So I'm a firm believer. And this is what I'm intuiting is that I'm going to likely be friends with somebody and then perhaps that turns into a romantic thing. And we've just learned about each other at a really slow pace.

And I get to a sense of who they are because people share themselves differently when they're plotonically connecting with you, then when they're romantically connecting. And everybody when they're romantically connecting for the most part, at least in my experience, leads with their best foot and they put their highlight reels out there. And then three months in, you get to learn who they really are, right? They're insecurities, they're fears, they're quirks and all these things.

And I find with friends, you learn that fairly quickly, or at least I do. So it's a, I think it'll be a better strategy for me. And part of that will probably be my healing, right? Learning how to trust again and these sorts of things. Yeah, and ultimately they say your partner is your best friend, like your long term partner. Because his friend, so my soul start there, right? That's what I think a great relationship is built on is that friendship at the base, at the core.

Yeah, yeah. Exactly. And if I don't want to be friends with you, then I don't want to be either. That's a good assessment tool. Yeah. Okay. So questions. So when we're talking about, you know, going on a first date, what, what questions are you loading up in your arsenal that you're going to shoot at them? I didn't know how to answer this because I mean, it really depends. So again, I was looking back to my most recent experiences on dates and they're all different.

Some of them I met online, like through an app, other people I met in person. And we kind of met like, oh, like, let's do this, but on a proper date. And so I did know much about the model. So it really depends, but ultimately, as I was saying before, I really like the listening and asking questions. It's a role I'm very comfortable in. And I do, you know, I am present. I'm all the things I think that I asked for. But yeah, I mean, it really depends on what I already know about them.

If there's something that, for example, if it's something like where we're chatting on Grindr or Instagram, and I haven't met the person and we're kind of talking about something, I'll kind of flag it in my head like, oh, that's something I want to go back to when we meet up. Like, I don't want to have this conversation over a text. It's just going to be much more juicy and fun for me if I kind of remember that for later. So I kind of have some things in my back pocket.

And then same with me, like, I could share something sometimes when we're texting and I choose not to. I'm like, no, I'm going to save the story or save this particular thing until it's a, until we meet in person. So it really depends. But I would say something for me that's really important to me, especially this phase of my life now is travel. I have just traveled a lot and I intend on doing more of it. I'm at this phase where I just want to explore and go to like everywhere.

So I think a great question for me that I'd like to ask in person is what are your next travel plans? Just a very simple, easy answer. And then just go from there. Like, that's just one question and then just let it, like, it's hard for me to, I don't really plan my conversations too much. I just have some ideas in my pocket to use. And then organically the conversation will go from there. I might ask why have you been number four? You know, what's bringing you there? That kind of thing.

Just to get a sense of who they are. And I can, I got my pretty good judge of who someone is by answers to relatively simple questions because I can ask a lot of wise why and how. Yeah. Yeah. And then another one might be like, if I'm really struggling and like there's a wall in the conversation, something I can go to easily is like, oh, what are you reading these days or really watching these days? Have you seen anything really cool?

That's if there's, yeah, like a silence and an awkward silence, I'll kind of throw that one out there. Again, it gives me an idea for what stimulates their mind, what they like. And that's really important to me. I really am attracted to people's minds and how they think I've learned. That is the most attractive thing. Yeah. Yeah. That's me. Travel plans, Michael. My next travel plans, Matt, are going to Europe in the fall. Because I really want to connect with my roots in Italy. Oh, nice.

And I want to spend a bit of time there. I want to spend a few months there at least and maybe go to Spain at the same time because Spain is my favorite country. And I want to go to the north of Spain this time. So, wait, why is Spain your favorite country? I have never had a bad time. I love the food. I love the culture. I love the history. It's very LGBTQ friendly, like extremely LGBTQ friendly. And the men are beautiful with a capital B. Yeah. I love it. I got a single now. I love it.

Explore. Yeah. So two things. One. Oh, what was it? You said something, Michael. I can't remember. I'll come back to it. It might come back to me. But the other one was so for me when it comes to questions about about a person like again, it's all very intuitive. Like that. So much of my life is live that way. And what I can say is I don't come. I don't come armed with questions, but I do come armed with genuine curiosity.

So I come in and I'm really just like tuning into my body, tuning into the space, tuning into them, tuning into their energy. Like it's really, I'm really tuning in. And then it's like, okay, what's there? What am I curious about? You know, genuinely, what am I curious about? And sometimes it's like, you know, how's your day? How was your week? Would you get up to? How you feel it? How's your heart? How's your head? What's present for you? You know, like, and then the basics.

Like what, yeah, like what do you do for fun? What do you do for fun? What do you enjoy? And sometimes I mean, I probably won't ask this on the first date, but maybe. I don't want you to know about you, you know? That's the like, that's the Scorpio with me. That's the Scorpio with me. I'm like, what don't you want me to know about you? I say you'll never know. That's why I would respond. You'll never find that. Good luck. I just scare you away. You're going to love it.

But, you know, which I'm fine with. I'm like, okay, well, you know, that's me. But there's this game in authentic relating. If I'm offering up like, if I'm offering up tools, because I don't necessarily do this, but honestly, I might do it on my next day. It's called the Google game. And so I guess the way it works is you're like, if I were to Google Michael and most embarrassing experience, what would I find? And then you would just like share.

And then let's say you were like sharing in there and you said something about, I don't know. And then I was like, oh, that was interesting. I go, okay, if I were to double click on, you know, like nude beach, maybe you mentioned a nude beach in there. What would I find? And then you would share. So anyway, it's super fun because you just go down this rabbit hole of like Googling Michael and fill in the blank and then double clicking whatever is interesting to you.

So if you all are like, I don't know what to ask on first dates. Play the Google game. Play the Google game. It's a fun game. But yeah, yeah. I'm just like feeling my way through it. Yeah, I'm a wild card. And it's so fun. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. What about you, Matt? I love me a wild card on a date actually. If somebody were to be a wild card and just like be all over the place because I find that really fascinating and like, I'm an excellent tracker. I can track people.

Like no matter where they go, I'm tracking them. Like if somebody's being wild and if they're being throwing me all over, it's like I find it like really exciting. Yeah. Yeah. So for me, okay, I kind of gauged it in level. So if I'm going on a date, whether it's a, if it's a friend date, for casual dating or for sex, okay, it's going to be very different. The questions that I'm going to be asking versus if I'm going into commitment and looking for that.

So, but again, value alignment is key for all of them. So all my questions are governed based off of looking for value. So again, if I'm going to have sex in somebody, is there sexual alignment? I want to look at our values aligned based off of how we seek pleasure. Casual dating, same thing, looking at, you know, things that, what would be good things for casual dating interests, right? If I'm casually dating somebody, it's like, what are we going to do for fun? Hobbies.

Like, let's explore that, right? So, but I wrote some down. So if I'm looking for value alignment, I'm looking in these major categories. So sexual, political, lifestyle, relationship structure, interests, and healthy differences. I think are important. So like asking questions to see if there's differences. Would I want to date my clone? No, I would want to date somebody that's interested in different things in me that can expose me to new things, right? So, um, play wrote down these questions.

What do you enjoy sexually and do you have preferred positions that you enjoy, right? I think that's important as gay men to understand that. What do you enjoy doing for fun or in your spare time? What are your interests or hobbies? What are you passionate about? Passion. I love passion. I'm really drawn to passion. When somebody just can't stop talking about something that they love, I'm like, I just can feel it and I can feel their heart exploding and it feels really good.

What do you align to politically? And again, on the first date, I wouldn't want to know any more than that. I would just want to know are you left or you right or you middle or you nonpartisan, what are, like, where do you align?

I don't think any more than that is really important on a first date, but if like, if I'm dating to find if someone's a good match for me, and let's say I'm hardcore left and this person's hardcore right, it's going to be very challenging to be in a relationship with somebody like that possibly. So I'd want to know that sooner than later. What are you seeking from a relationship? What are your pet peeves? What makes you angry about the world? I would want to know. Do you want kids?

Do you want to get married? And what do you do for a living? These are all really important questions. And you can throw them in the category that you would want to know. Obviously, if it's a casual dating or sex, I'm not going to know or care if you want to get married or have kids. But if I'm dating you to get into a relationship and I don't want kids and I know I don't want kids. I don't think it would work to date somebody that wants kids.

So what if I say, I'm going to get you pregnant after this call. After this date. Try. For the baby and me. Yeah. But a baby, I've always wanted to say that to a guy. Like right before we're about like, I'm in missionary and I'm like, for the baby and me. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And I love your answers to like where I love your questions rather. And what's so interesting about your questions like. I'm not I'm not flirting. I promise. But I love your questions.

They're like, they're such a turn on because they're so they're so specific. And what I'm noticing about myself and this is why I said like, I'm a verse bottom because I feel like I'm probably going to offend some people maybe by saying this. I don't know. I'm sorry if I offend you. But like I'm yeah, like I I notice I'm quite feminine in my nature, I guess like I'm noticing as I'm listening to the different answers to the questions.

I'm very much about like slow and spontaneity and intuition and all of this. And your questions were so specific and I was like, I like this. It's hot. I'm here for it. So yeah, I'm just picking up. Well, I'm clocking that I'm like my leading energy is more like feminine and flowy. And I'm more drawn to and attracted to people who are like some looseness. But like I like that specificity. So the speak. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's really interesting.

It's a good reflection for me because I tend to lead with more my masculine energy in dating. And part of it is that I'm actually attracted to that. So this is what I've done in most of my dating. But I'm sometimes I'm leading with my masculine because I don't feel safe. So I have to stay in my masculine. So it's I want to find a safety and trust so I can land into my feminine because I think I am more innately in relationships, more in my feminine. And I want a man that can hold me in that.

So they have transparent and trustworthy and right. So I can feel safe and secure to land into my feminine and feel like I'm like, I don't know, it's really interesting. And I haven't found that yet. In any of my relationships, I've never found somebody that can contain that or hold that in the masculine energy. So I'm hoping that what I'm the work I'm doing now is actually helping me like the internal work I'm doing is helping me find safety within myself.

So I can land into my feminine and and and attract the guy that I'm going to be attracted to. Yeah. Michael wants to say something. Yeah. I'm like. I'm like, I just realized I'm listening to you guys. I think we had I think we should have had a different like not a different a conversation before this. I wish we had more time because all of this is great.

But I'm I'm dying to know like I said at the beginning, at what point do you allow someone to get to the point where they have a first date with you? Well, they have what a first date? We're going to get to the first day, right? So when I was younger, I was like, something like want to go to it. Like, yeah, I just say yes to everything and everyone. Now I just did there's a bigger filter there.

So by the time somebody gets to the date phase with me, like I already know a lot of these things maybe or maybe I don't, but I think that that would be an interesting conversation is like, what are your criteria? Like how do you get that filter in where you find like, you know what, yes, I will meet you in person. I will give you the time to go on a date with me. That's a good question. I think we're kind of covering that in our next conversation. I think. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I've also gone the other way to the where I've dated guys long distance and this has happened multiple times to me. So I like we're connecting for three months on video chats and on texts and things like that. And then we meet in person and it's like a novel. We thought it was. It's the opposite. So I don't like to go too long without meeting somebody because that that in person energy is way different than texting or whatever. So but I get your point.

Like, I think it's good to have like vetting. They're different stages, right? Yeah. And sometimes I don't vet at all. Go ahead. Yeah. I should know. Please. Yeah. But in like in one example, like I met in in Mexico and PV, we met at a bar and I just got a good vibe from him. Like I just really liked him. I don't know why. And he wanted to hook up that night and I'm like, you know what? Like I do want to hook up with you.

But also like is it weird if we put up a pause of this and like we go on a date tomorrow and I want to go for dinner with you just you and I. And then if we want to hook up, we can. And he was so far. He's like, oh my god, that is the best. Oh no, for I've gotten all week and like great where we're just meant to be. So yeah, it really depends. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Same Z's. Same Z's.

And like if we generally speaking, unless they're extenuating circumstances, like if we haven't met up in person within, I'm going to say two weeks tops, like tops. It's it we're not, it's not happening. You know? Because I'm just like, I don't want to do this whole texting back and forth thing forever. Like let's meet a sat and just, you know, get together, figure out if we want to keep hanging. Because I have a whole life to live, you know? And so it's just like, come on, you know, yeah.

But yeah. Okay, let's land the plane here and we're going to hop into another episode on courting for next week. Okay. So yes, thank you guys for sharing as usual. It's always nice. I feel like I learned about myself even more just from hearing you guys share. So the collaborativeness of these talks and again, like we're offering these connection circles in the brotherhood now for this reason. We can learn so much from each other. So come in.

We put you in pods of three and it's a great opportunity for you to learn and grow with your fellow brothers. So come and join us there. The link is in the show notes for that. And if you're watching on YouTube, leave some comments, let us know maybe some questions that you would ask on a first date or what makes a first date successful for you podcast. If you're listening to us, please give us a five-star rating if you enjoyed what you heard and you got some value out of today's episode.

And a review, a review is very, very helpful. So for anything more, gameinsbrotherhood.com, you can find us there. Watch love everybody.