Authenticity and Social Media

Hello everyone, welcome to Gay Men Going Deeper, a podcast by the Gay Men's Brotherhood where we talk about personal development, mental health, and sexuality. We are your hosts, we have Matt Lansittle, he is a counselor and facilitator specializing in healing and empowerment. Reno Johnston is a spiritual, alive, loved, and business coach. And I am Michael DeRio, a life and woman's coach, specializing in sexuality, relationships, and self-confidence.

We each have our own private practice and in this podcast we are sharing all of our best stuff. And today we are going to be talking about authenticity and social media. Some of the questions we will be discussing today are, if authenticity is such a valued trade, why does insincereity thrive on social media? What's the difference between being fake and wanting to put your best self forward? And do you think it's truly possible to ascertain someone's authenticity on social media?

Looking forward to getting into this discussion. Now we will be continuing this discussion on the last Thursday of the month in the Gay Men's Brotherhood Zoom Hangout. This is where we give you guys a chance to share your own thoughts on the topics we discuss here. So join the private Gay Men's Brotherhood Facebook group and check out the events tab to RSVP. The link is in the show notes.

And if you are not on Facebook that's okay, just make sure you are on our email list and we will send you the Zoom link. We also have connection circles happening on the second Thursday of the month, where we will give you guys a chance to get into little groups just like this, little breakout rooms of three, where you can discuss this topic with other members of the community. Reminder that this podcast and YouTube channel are a listener and viewer supported.

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It includes two courses, healing your shame and building better relationships, plus over 45 premium personal development coaching videos, on topics around body positivity relationships, self confidence and community. Get over to gaymengoingdeeper.com for more information. Alright, let's get into today's topic. Super jazzed. So I want to tell you guys how I'm mad and re-knowed, I don't even know this. So this is a new for everybody.

I want to tell you guys how the idea for this episode came to me. For those of you watching this episode, you can see by my background, which is real, that I'm in Porto via Artistil at the time of recording. So this came to me last week. It was a vacation week. I took some time off to spend time with my friends who were here. And I was at the beach. It was a beautiful sunny day. Blue skies, ocean waves, crashing shore. And it was that peak, golden hour time.

You know that time, like kind of before the sunset where the sun is just hitting just right. It's very nice, soft lighting. Yeah. So I'm having a great time chilling at Rootmost Beach. The beach chairs, if you know, you know. It's the big one. My margarita on the rocks. It's just observing and enjoying the ocean in the sunset. And right in front of me is a group of maybe 10 guys trying to take a group photo. They say, okay, it's golden hour. Let's take our group photo.

And I'm just sitting there watching and observing. So I took you guys. So I didn't mind, I didn't mind the view. And you know, at first they start discussing, okay, what's the best angle to take the photo? Right? Do want the background to be the sunset, do want the background to be the beach. We want to make sure the light sitting is just right. So they're kind of just figuring out, okay, what's the best angle here and lighting.

And then they start figuring out, okay, well, who's going to go where? What are we going to do? Are we standing? We're going to do something that they're trying to get into position to make sure everything looks just right. And then their photographer starts taking the photos. And on the exact count of three, the photographer counts to three and starts taking photos. But on that exact count of three, at the exact same time, they all suck in their bellies and pop out their chests and smile.

And for those five ten seconds, that's the photographer's taking all these photos from different angles. They are just frozen in time in this perfect pristine position. And I start laughing because I think this is super cute, not laughing at them at all, because I'm like, this is hilarious. I do the same thing. But it's just funny to observe this. If you're in the observer mode, it's like, we are really interesting how we do this.

So that, of course, the photographer stops and everyone rushes to the camera and want to see the photo. What does it look like? How do I look? You know, it's good. Do we need to do it again? We're trying to, like, you know, a judge and observe and critique the photo and give their approval if they like everyone's saying, how do I look? How do I look? And then generally the group like the photos. So they're starting, okay, you know, add me on Insta, make sure you tag me, do this, do that.

Here's my handle. Or some people are like, oh, no, don't take me in that. Do definitely do not take me. So it's either this share this or don't share this, right? Use this filter. Don't use that filter. That kind of thing. And again, I'm just kind of giggling at this watch. It's again, I want to reiterate, I'm not laughing at them personally. I thought they were super cute.

And I just laughed at the funny ritual, if you want to call it that, of what we do when it's time for posing on a beach in Porto Vierreta with a bunch of our gay friends. And it's on our swimsuits. So I gazed my eyes along the beach and I noticed me knifes like golden, alright? So everyone's doing the same thing. Not just gay guys, women, adults, children, everyone. Like we're all just kind of posing, posing for the grand, wanting to curate this ideal image for social media, right?

And it got me thinking, like for the rest of the week I kept noticing this. I just was very interested in you guys know me and very curious. I like to have these kind of thoughts and conversations in my own mind. But for the rest of the week I kept noticing this. Not just with other people, but with myself as well, right? So when I was taking pictures with my friends, it was very much the same thing.

What was going through my mind was, you know, my own desire to want to look good, my own desire to want to put my best self forward, my own desire to kind of want to suck in my belly and puff up my chest. Everything was very much the same. So it's not, I'm not saying that I'm any different than anyone here. But it just got me thinking, how, you know, how do I want to be received and, you know, doing my own and to work around this, my own curiosity.

So I have been in the state of thinking about this myself for the last week, doing some journaling on it. And some of the questions that I had for myself were, am I being inauthentic? And what I'm doing is, is this all performative? And if so, is that so bad? Isn't it natural to just want to look good? Isn't it natural to want to share my happy moments with people on social media? Yeah. For some reason, when I see some people do it, I judge that as being fake and insincere.

But when other people do it, I don't. So I was wondering and asking myself, why is that? What's behind that? What's behind that distinction for me? Why is it fake when some people do it? Not one other is right? And I got me questioning, what's the difference then between being an authentic self-expression and then performative behavior? So that's where my head has been at on this topic over the last week.

And therefore, I wanted to forget here with you guys, with Matt and with Reno, and also with our wonderful, amazing audience. So I came to some of my own conclusions on these questions, which we'll get through through the course of this podcast. But I'm still very much open to hearing other people's opinions and ideas on this, because I'm not set in stone on this. I think it's a very interesting topic, it's very complex and nuanced, at least for me it is anyway.

So for those of you who are listening or watching, please do share with us. Go in the comments and let me know what you think, because I guess I'm not fully set on stone on this on this. So let's get into it. And I'm dying to hear from you guys on this. So the first question is, if authenticity is such a valued trait, why does insincereity thrive on social media? And let's start with Reno. With me, okay, so funny this morning, my, well, it was actually yesterday, my gym shark haul came in.

So like I ordered a bunch of stuff from gym shark, like these fits for the gym. And I did like an unboxing and I was recording it, because I wanted to share. And I was in my, I have these like, I was in my underwear basically, my boxer briefs and I was like trying different things on. And I remember at one point in the, in the, like during the recording, I was like, and I'm a bit bloated today, let's normalize being bloated on camera, right? And I just like owned it. I was like, fuck it.

This is like, this is my body. This is what I look like today. I'm bloated, because last night I snacked and like, I'm cool with that. So I was just thinking of that when you were sharing. Because I really, I really do feel like I try my best to keep it 100 with the people on social media. And I, like I don't always, I don't always get that right. And you know, to the question, I think what I came up with is there are a few factors.

Is the public factor, the curation factor, and the scrutiny factor, right? So like, it's, it's kind of like the public piece, you know, it's like, when we know we're having company, you know, when we know we're sort of in the spotlight, we want to, we want things to look a certain way, right? It's like, oh, people are coming over. I've got to freshen up and I've got to freshen up the space, right? Because I wanted to sort of reflect a certain image.

And then with the, with the curated piece, I feel like nearly everything about social media is, is curated essentially. Like social media is curation. So it's almost like we can't help it, you know, it is sort of the nature and essence of social media and, and the culture surrounding. And then, yeah, that third piece, I think, is that, you know, we're, we're, and I'm just like pulling up the question again really quickly. We're constantly scrutinizing and being scrutinized on social media.

And more easily so because we can do it from behind the screen, you know? It's like, all I got to do is like open the laptop on my phone and, you know, I can sit there and sort of judge everyone and like scroll and comment and say whatever comes to mind. And there are, the repercussions are minimal, you know? And so it's just so easy. It's like, I bet most of y'all probably wouldn't say that shit to my face, you know? And if you would like props to you, I guess we could talk about it.

You know, but I just think it's so, it's so, there's so much scrutiny, scrutiny, scrutiny. And, and so yeah, it's like why, like, why would I expose my authentic self to the public given the culture of social media, right? Like, why would I do that? So it just makes sense to me, I think that in that space, insincereity is like rampant as the word. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. And so where can I watch this video of you? Nah, it's coming. It's coming.

Yeah, I recorded like snippets and I'm just kind of putting it together and compiling it into this like, I think it'll be a real, it might end up on YouTube as well. So I was like, you know what, Jim Shark, I'm into your stuff. And I, I don't know, I think there may be a relationship there in the future who knows. Yeah. I look forward to it. Yeah. How about you, Matt? Let's hear you talk on this. Yeah, there's a lot percolating here.

And I'm like kind of feeling like, how do I even stream this all into a, into a channel message, but, um, yeah. My first thing that came up was like, how do I know if somebody's being authentic or not? Right? Like, who am I to even determine that for them to really mean? Like I think, um, I don't know. Most of these people that I see on social media, I don't know them from Adam. I'm just kind of like, so I don't know what is authentic to them.

Maybe, maybe being how they are on social media, maybe that is the real them. Maybe that's, you know, the archetype that they play and maybe they're not actually connected to that deeper, more, you know, authentic part of themselves. I have no idea, right? So I try my best to, to not, but it's very hard.

It's actually probably, I would say, one of the hardest things, like, and sometimes what I'll do is I'll catch myself and I'll be like, you know, I'll be like Simon Cowell on on social media, just judging. And I'm like, oh shit, like, I got to stop. I'll just set it down and I'm kind of like, check in with my mood. Like, why am I judging? Like, where, what's going on in my internal world?

That's making me feel like the need to want to, um, you know, analyze somebody or judge them or critique them or whatever. But I would say, I would say, insincereity is probably a protector from rejection, like Reno said, scrutiny, criticism, these sorts of things. And I think we learn, um, from like the dominant culture, what's acceptable and what's not.

And when we're probably younger, more impressionable, haven't fully developed a strong sense of self or a strong sense of self worth, I think that we go along with what the dominant culture wants. And like, I know I did that for sure. And I was posting all the selfies and everything was so curated in my, you know, the perfect lighting and I would take 20, 20 body shots before I'd post the picture and all these things, right?

I did that because I thought that's what the dominant culture wanted of me. And as I'm getting older, I'm like, finding that I'm like caring less about those things. And, um, actually the, the last few in the, I haven't really posted many, but I would say in the last two years, I posted maybe a couple body pictures and, um, I haven't done the sucking in. And like, I actually had somebody reach out to me and they're like, you know, thank you so much for like posting this picture.

Like, it really like made me feel and I kind of felt like, are you like totally like, it felt like a bit of a dig, you know what I mean? Like, they were like thanking me for posting my belly hanging out. Um, so it was just interesting, but I, I think I just took it that way. Like, I don't think it was intentionally meant that way. Um, and then I've also talked about the, the experience that I had was seeing the picture of myself where I was, my body was changing and things like that.

So I don't know, I just kind of learned to just, you know, just allow, but I'm also want to acknowledge the part of me that still wants to curate. Like I do, I curate like the, my, my backdrops curated, my hair is done today. Like, I want to look good and I want to feel good and then I think it's important.

Um, so I kind of like honor both of these parts and I think for me, it's like, I like both, you know, I like, and I wouldn't say I like insincereity, but I like probably authenticity and curation. I think they both have a place and I think I'm like, I'm learning that it's like, it's okay to indulge in both of them. And I think where, where I would, where I would probably judge someone as insincere is when all of their, their content is curated.

There's nothing on there that is like real of like, you know, like, oh, like woke up today looking like this or my hair was messy or whatever. It's like they always have to put forward, like perfection. I would say that would probably be where I would be a little bit more like critical of that person. I kind of want more from you.

I want like, I want to see like behind the scenes, not just all your highlight reels, you know, so, um, but yeah, I would say probably for sure the biggest thing would be, would be fear of rejection or criticism. And then I actually wanted to highlight too. Uh, Bernet Brown has something called the vulnerability paradox and it's the first thing I look for in you and the last thing I want you to see in me, right?

So I think a lot of, a lot of us are really terrified of like putting forward our bloated tummy or this or that because we're worried that people are going to criticize us or they're going to be like, ooh, like, you know, these sorts of things, but I'm like, you know, I, I just find that the more and more work I've done on myself, the more I'm actually drawn to and attracted to like these non, like typical things of attraction.

Like I actually am attracted to a little bit of a gut on a guy, like these sorts of things like I think, right? Like, um, a little bit of scruffiness, like hair messy, like, you know, like, I don't know, there's just these things don't really, so I'd love to see more and more people feel more comfortable to share authentically and vulnerably, but also on to the part of themselves that wants to, you know, curate and look pretty and have a perfect selfie and all that that's fine too.

So yeah. Yeah. Um, I think fear you guys both kind of alluded to that is, is the big one, uh, fear of judgment and fear of criticism, fear of rejection, all the things shame. Yeah. Like we talked about so much, but I'll answer it specifically again to, to my environment right now. Just give it my all my answers are coming from having been here for three weeks now. Um, and by the way, I love the, I love peepee and I love the peepee gaze.

Uh, and everyone who came to say hi to me as always and you're probably listening to this podcast saying, oh, yeah, he's talking about me. Um, but yeah, um, there is also an element that I sense. This is totally a judgment, not, not a factual thing. Um, but it's like a unspoken competitiveness based on a high, degree of pressure, societal pressure.

I'm not sure cultural pressure and I'm speaking specifically to like the gay world to need to look good to need to achieve the certain body type to have a certain look to get eyeballs and attention and love and affection and friendship, all the things, right? Uh, I feel it, I feel that pressure to like need to conform almost to a certain type. And I see it here because it's very concentrated.

Anyone who's been to peepee knows that it's not a big space where the gays are, but it is very concentrated. So you feel it. I feel it. I feel it for sure. And I think that can be whether it's, um, conscious or not competitive. And, um, you know, not that I'm like, oh, I'm competing with a guy beside me, but you kind of are sometimes, right? For attention from the other guy. Um, and it's just creates this kind of perfect storm of wanting to put your best self forward, um, and get that attention.

And so I think we're all lying for the same right balls. We're all lying for that kind of attention from other people. It's validation seeking. It's comparing to spare or just comparing, right? If I'm standing beside you and you look like this, I need to like, you know, puff up my chest and second my belly so that I'm not, you know, the other guy standing beside you, right? So I think it comes from a lot of that as well.

In addition to everything that you guys talked about, I just don't want to say that again, but here I feel like it's a high pressure, high pressure situation. Yeah. I, I agree and I think we're all lying for the same resources, right? Like sex and dates and these sorts of things and those resources come within the same pool of people that we're also friends with.

Yeah. So like there's this whole thing and I find like, you know, there's, there's a strong and I even see it in myself to this strong pull towards like even when I'm like assessing whether I'll be friends with somebody or not, I'm like assessing their level of attractiveness. Like it's like part of like a conditioning that I'm working so F and hard to undo, but it's like, and I see this so much in our culture, right?

It's like they, like people putting, like using attractiveness as like the number one factor of accessibility to that person or like whether you'd hang out with that person, whether it's platonic or romantic. And I just find that that is such a, oh, it's just such a terrible conditioning to carry around in my opinion, like it causes so much hurt and rejection and these sorts of things. And I just find that our culture is very, very much like that. Yeah. Have you been to Port of Arizona?

Yeah, not, not to explore the gay world, but yes, I've been there. I feel like you would definitely sense that, like I said, a very high, high concentrated level here. Yeah, what you're saying. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Probably wouldn't be my scene to imagine it. I can't imagine it. The beach, you would love the beach for sure, but you're not like the going out part. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So let's go to our next question. This one is one that I love.

We could probably do an entire episode on this at least I could, but what's the difference between being fake and wanting to put your best self forward? This is what I struggled with because I was like, am I an authentic for wanting to do this? Like I said, I give to my conclusions. I'll share a bit later, but yeah, let's start with Reno. Yeah, there's a few again. There's like what I love about this conversation around authenticity is like how new you want to do this.

And I love that you had mentioned Matt that, you know, it's, it's kind of tricky to assess whether someone is being authentic or not. You know, how do you qualify that? How do you quantify that? It's quite, it's quite tricky.

And what I came up with, you know, in response to this question and the distinction between being fake or putting your best self forward was that, well, first of all, it's probably a question you'd have to ask yourself, you know, so like I, I feel that I had the capacity to determine whether what I'm up to is sincere, genuine and in integrity or not. And it's usually a feeling, you know, there's a feeling like, ah, you know, this, something about this feels a little bit off.

And it might be like, you know, it might be that I'm like sucking in in the photo or something like that, you know, and again, the distinction is settled because I don't know, in some cases, there's something like cute and fun and sexy about that, I guess, you know, and then in other cases, it's like, well, you know, the questions that I came up with were like, who is this for? Like, who am I doing this for? Why am I doing this? And who am I being right now?

And who am I being right now truly who I want to be? You know, I think, I think meeting our actions with sort of curiosity and discernment can really help us begin to recognize whether, you know, whether we're doing something from insincerity or not. I think that's kind of how I would assess it. Yeah, yeah, I think that's it for now on that. Yeah. What about you? What's the difference between being fake and wanting to put your best self forward? Welcome to my brain for the last week. I know.

I'm going to like, and I just looked at these questions this morning, like I did look at them briefly, but I wasn't pondering on them, but yeah, I don't know. I really, I kind of, part of me just wants to normalize, like putting our best foot forward. It's like, you know, it's just why would somebody want to put their not best foot forward when you think about it, right? At the end of the day, it takes a lot of like courage to do that.

And I do see that, you know, it kind of can put a target on our backs when we're putting those parts of ourselves forward to maybe unconscious people. I would say if somebody puts their not best foot forward with me, I'm like, I welcome it. I'm like, all of you is welcome here, right? So maybe people who aren't like at that place, they're going to judge somebody for like being bloated and doing a video. Like I can't even imagine judging somebody for that, right?

But I'm sure there's people out there that that would, right? So yeah, I guess our best selves doesn't have to be fake, it can be like the real part of us. But I guess again, it's like, this is, this is my biggest wish for myself and for the community that we can all just feel more safe to bring all of us forward. So curated, authentic, all of it, just bring it all forward. I just think I would love that.

I'm so drawn and attracted to men that own themselves, like all of themselves, they're integrated, right? Whether that be different polarities, it could be masculine, feminine, different things like that, just somebody who's integrated. I love it. I think it's very attractive. And I also wanted to note too that people can feel insecure putting their best selves forward. Like I know for me, like I've dimmed my light because I don't want to shine too bright.

So and I think our culture like can tell us, like don't brag, you know, be humble and we can perform humility, you know what I mean? And where it's like, so sometimes our best self, like we don't put that forward because we're, we don't want to be too bold or too bright or look like we're bragging or diverse. And then the last thing I wrote here was, are you getting your needs met and are you happy? Like at the end of the day, like that's really all that matters.

And so I'm trying to like live my life from a place of not complete absolution of like caring what people think. So I don't think that's possible. But like just truly just living for me, you know what I mean? Like in like not always having to think of the end result of my actions. Like is this going to get me followers? Is this going to get me a date or whatever? Like just truly living in the moment and like and being real.

And I find that like when I'm like that, I attract all the things I'm desiring anyway. But when I try and curate and I try and be too like performative or too perfectionistic, like I'm not really attracting the energy or the people or the opportunities that I really actually desire on a soul level. It may be like attracting like ego energy. So but yeah, I can't really answer this question. It's a hard question to answer like straight up at face value.

Like what's the difference between being fake and wanting to put your best self forward? They're too intertwined, right? Sometimes our best self will be fake and sometimes it won't. So I don't know, it's hard to untangle the two in my opinion. Yeah, I'd love to hear from people that are watching this that have a more concrete way of answering that. Like drop it in the comments because I think I'm still grappling with this one for sure. Yeah, same, same. It is complex and it is very nuanced.

That word is really good. And yeah, I don't think there is a clear answer either, but I will tell you guys what I have come up with having been thinking about this myself. So where I'm at with it is there's a middle ground. There's a happy middle ground. Curating content, these are just my opinions, does not make you fake. Wanting to present yourself in a fair roll, I just not make you fake. Wanting to appeal to an audience, I do this with my business all the time.

I want to appeal to game then obviously. So wanting to appeal to an audience does not make you fake. I don't think these things make you fake. As long as it's an accurate depiction and it does reflect something about you. That is genuine, that is authentic, like a genuine experience, genuine value, and genuine interest. Okay. So then I ask myself, okay, well then what is fake? What point do I in my mind at least? This is just my mind I'm showing you as your what point is that fake.

So when for me it's like when it's a complete departure from someone's true self, like it's like a false persona. So they're like completely misrepresenting themselves or their experience. So if I'm here at a beach, okay. And let's say it's a raining and cloudy and I like take my photo and I put a totally different background on it. It's like sunny and like lots of people walking around, like photoshopping it to that point, like that to me is fake.

Where it's like a complete misrepresentation of what's going on. Yeah. Also you see this a lot with AI and photo editing, like people making things look bigger, smaller, all that kind of so that to me is more fake. Creating a fake persona. So a false persona.

So someone who's online, let's say on social media, where they are representing that they have a lot of money and they don't, where they represent they have a lot of friends and they don't, where they're representing they live in this house, but it's actually their friend's house, that kind of thing. And we see a lot of that unfortunately. It is very much a social media thing. It's something of our time that we have to I think be very mindful of when we're consuming content.

And for me personally, I ask myself, how does it feel? And that's how we know everything. We said that on the spot cast so many times. How does it feel? You guys both just said it. And I think when I'm misrepresenting myself or if I'm being fake for me, that feels sneaky. I know first of all, I can't lie to myself. I know. It feels sneaky. It feels kind of shameful. Like there's this inner conflict, like, I don't know if I should be.

And it also feels media and desperate because I'm meeting the validation. And it's okay to want validation, but like it's like a desperate, grassy, media energy. Not just like, oh yes, validation feels good, right? Which it does.

So then the difference between that and putting your vessel forward, again, just for me, is if I'm showcasing my genuine strengths and positive attributes that are actually truly there, they're actually truly authentically part of me, things that I am good at, that's fine. If you know, highlighting things that I'm proud of, right? That's fine. I'm really proud of, for example, my business or things that I've accomplished in my life. I'm like, yeah, I'm going to post about that.

I'm going to share about that. Because it's rooted in the truth. It's rooted in the truth of me. And how that feels to me is more self-assured. It feels good. There's pride in there, but I could good pride. And there's no shame. It's shameless. And I think, and I think I just thought of as I'm talking to you guys now, is if both are available to me, so obviously, there's my best foot forward and also my worst foot forward. They're both available to me. I'm going to choose my best foot forward.

Unless there is benefit to not. And we've done this on this podcast before. We've come, all of us have come to the table with our insecurities, our bad experiences, our fears, our challenges, and we come to the table with that. So I think for us, we can come to the table with both. And I think this podcast is a great example of it. And it's not about hiding them and pushing them away, like forever. It's about saying, yeah, sometimes I am going to bring this forward and show by audience.

And my Instagram is very curated. But sometimes I bring my insecurities, but it's for the greater good. It's for the purpose of it. So that's where I met with it. I'm not sure if that made a lot of sense, but hopefully, hopefully it does. And again, that writer Matt said, you know, drop your comments. I'm curious. Yeah, I have a question for you guys. It's kind of like a comment and then leads into a question. But so being an empath, I can feel like in congruency in people. Okay. So always like.

So if somebody is, and I'll give you like just an example. So let's say like I somebody I just meet somebody and I can feel in them. And I'm an emotional empath. I can feel people's emotional world like very easily. So like I could feel like, let's say, for example, they are struggling with like self-worth issues and they've got like a lot of like self-worth energy holding low self-worth energy holding in their body. And then they represent themselves in this grandiose big way.

So it's like an overcompensation for this part in them. Do you see that as an authentic? Like an incongruency. So somebody trying to compensate to try and mask from feeling. I think a lot of humans do this. And I've even done this in my, like myself too. You know, I think that actually probably would answer a lot of this because I think the reason why a lot of us don't want to put ourselves are real selves for us. Because we're afraid of people hitting on the wounds that we have inside of us.

I'm not good enough and I'm not lovable. I'm not worthy in all these sorts of things. So I'm curious for you guys like what are your thoughts about that? I think as long as you're acknowledging what's happening. Like there's a distinction between trying to mask a lack of self-esteem with like overcompensatory behavior.

And say honoring that you are ever a work in progress, acknowledging that and owning that you're embodying an identity, an expression of being that doesn't yet feel totally integrated. And you know, and that it's experimental. You know, it's like, oh, I don't know if this is me yet, but I'm trying it on. And we'll see and just acknowledging it as opposed to like, yeah, I think walking around kind of overcompensating.

And yeah, it's again, it's like it's nuanced and sometimes it's really subtle, but I'd say that to me is the difference. Yeah. Yeah. Self-awareness. I think that's so much more renuss. So I would say if you know you're doing it, I think that's I can reconcile that a bit better. Like, okay, at least you're aware that this is what's happening versus a complete unawareness. It's like completely unconscious. Yeah, it kind of bleeds into the conversation we had last week about revealing ourselves.

Yeah. Like, do you have the capacity to reveal yourselves? Because I think revealing ourselves leads to authenticity and authentic connection. But if we're feeling these things and then we're overcompensating and all we're sharing, is this overcompensated part, then I think that bleeds into inauthenticity or insincereity.

But I totally have compassion for that and I understand that, you know, it's very, very hard to reveal the parts of ourselves that we've maybe been shamed for in the past or rejected for in the past. And we've just had to learn to shell them up and hide them because, you know, rejection is terrifying. I'm still terrified of rejection. It sucks. So I get it.

It also, I think this also touches on, again, it's like, I love this conversation because it's so nuanced and it touches on some tricky territory as well because, you know, this is a whole other conversation. Maybe I won't get too into it. But it's like being is so malleable.

Identity is so malleable that like, it's like, I could be, I could be being that I have low self-esteem and a sort of simple shift in like my mind, you know, a simple reframe, a change in being, a change in behavior could sort of quickly pivot me into new territory. And I'm trying to find a way to word this so that it comes across clearly because it's a bit tricky.

But it's like, I think what I'm saying brings to mind the question of, are we ever, are we ever really being authentic and are we ever, are we ever not really being authentic? Like, yeah, like are we ever really authentic and are we ever really not authentic, you know? That was substantial. Yeah. Well, it is. Yeah. It's momentary, too though, because authenticity isn't like this state that we achieve.

It's like a, it's an ever-flowing energy and it's like, that's why revealing yourself, owning your experience and revealing your experience are the main principles of being authentic because in one moment, I could have these thoughts and then I could hop on a call and have this same conversation with two other guys and their energy is going to bring up something new in me and I'm going to reveal a different part of my experience.

So I think authenticity is just, it's not a moving thing that you can zone in on. It's just a constant flow of energy and it takes courage to be authentic because it's the courage to bring forth these parts of yourself. But knowing like what you said, they're always malleable, they're always shifting and changing and it's our job to kind of tune into them and reveal them when it feels safe, comfortable these sorts of things, yeah.

Yeah. And for someone who, going back to what I had said about the unconscious, I just realized as if it's unconscious to them and they're being authentic because they don't know the difference. So they are over compensating authentically because they don't know they're doing it, right? Yeah, true. Right, discussion, boys. Okay. So last question, do you think you can truly ascertain someone's authenticity on social media, why or why not?

Yeah. So I read, I read the question as do you think you truly ascertain authenticity? No, no, no. So the word can, the word can is missing out of it. So it changes the whole thing. Do you think you can truly ascertain authenticity on social media? But I think you bent, do you think, do I think I truly ascertain? Yeah. Okay, I'll just just ask you. Can you look at someone's social media and get an idea for whether they're being authentic or not?

Sure. Okay. So I'll answer it two ways, the way I thought you asked it and the way you asked it. So do I think I can, yeah, in a way, like I love what Matt said earlier and I was having this conversation with friends last night and I was saying to them, you know, and they acknowledged it too, they were like, you're really, really observant and really perceptive.

Like my ticker, I can pick up on subtleties that like people themselves aren't even aware of sometimes, you know, like I know when they're just like a little off. And sometimes I'll reveal something that I'm picking up on and they didn't even notice it until I said it and then they're like, oh wow. So yeah, I think in ways I can certainly, you know, ascertain like, I guess whether something's like off or not, yeah, I would say so.

And that's come with years of practice, you know, growing up in environments where I had to be able to sense when something was off, you know, people weren't forthcoming and so my extra sensory capacity just became like highly attuned. So yeah, I'd say yes, generally speaking, most cases. And then, you know, do I, do I like do I maintain social, authenticity on social media? Not always, you know, not always. I would say.

Like I'm definitely aware of when I'm putting something forward that with the intention of being perceived in a particular way that isn't necessarily accurate to like what is actual, you know, what is real. It's pretty rare though. I'm going to say that like it's pretty rare.

I would say I'm honestly sometimes even people will say like it makes me uncomfortable how like honest or expressive or if that took you on social media, like they'll say, well, like, you know, to be honest, like I thought you were a little bit too much before, but now I'm meeting you and like we're cool. And I'm like, yeah, that's okay. Like I get that. I'm all right with that. It comes with the territory. But yeah, that's my answer to that question. What about you, Matt?

Yeah, I thought it was the same. I answered it the way the second way that you answered it. Yeah. But I'm going to try and look with it. It's fun this way. Yeah. Yeah. I would say yes, I can't ascertain, but I also want to practice humility and be like, I'm not an all-knowing being. I can't just because I'm an empath doesn't mean that every perception I have is accurate. So we're always projecting as human beings.

And if I didn't have an ego, if I removed my ego, I would probably say, yeah, I could ascertain 100%. But our ego is always filtering. Right? So I will, I have a perception of reality and I've got triggers and wounds and these sorts of things and traumas. And whenever I'm viewing somebody, all of those that person is going through these filters. Right? So unless I'm 100% integrated, 100% healed, which I don't think is possible as a human being or fallible as human beings.

And so I would say yes, for the most part I have, I can generally get a sense of somebody if somebody's congruent or not. I would say congruence is a better word for me to use because I feel duality in people. I can't say I feel people's authenticity because I don't know what that is to them. It's very unique to them, right? So, but congruence would be a better word.

And then for myself, do I think I can truly, you know, am I authentic on social media, essentially, on my, on my professional page, 100%. Like, that's my brand. Like I share everything even on these episodes. Like I hold nothing back. Like I speak exactly what is on my mind and in my heart in the moment, I don't hold anything back. I don't censor myself and it leads to, yeah, people project on to me all the time. I get messages all the time.

80% of them are really beautiful and nice and those are still projections because they're seeing me in a certain way. And then I 20% of the time I get, you know, like other types of feedback. And again, I take those the same ways I take the positive ones as it's people projecting their, their, the way that they perceive me, right? So being authentic isn't easy. It can be very challenging because you're rubbing people the wrong way.

A lot of people, you know, people please and they, they aren't authentic. So when they see people being authentic, it's like easy to use them as the target for projection, right? And then I would say for myself authentic relating because I've been practicing authentic relating now for five years, that's become my dominant way of relating to people. So I find that sometimes I, I put people off like people are like, whoa, like, why do you want to talk about these things?

This is so deep and so intense and these sorts of things. So I don't excel in small talk. I excel in authentic relating and authentic connections. So I would say, yeah, I'm a, I'm a pretty authentic person. And yeah, I would say from that, how I discern that for myself is I am congruent. What is going on for me internally is how I represent myself externally. So the place where I would say I still do a bit of performing would probably be in this sort of thing.

Like I've got my background set up, but I don't, I don't know if that's inauthentic to me because if you sell my house, my house is very neat and tidy and everything has its place. I think my anal retentiveness is probably, and my perfectionistic stuff comes through.

But you know, and then on my personal like, for example, my personal Instagram, yeah, I put my best foot forward because that's not the page where I'm going on there to express, you know, the things that I'm dealing with or struggling with or things that I perceive my clientele or my followers are struggling with these sorts of things. So I would say probably my personal Instagram is a little bit more curated. And I am putting like the highlight reels of my life. So yeah. Yeah. Thanks.

You guys got to answer it in two ways. I like that. Yeah. That actually worked out. So for me, the way I answered is can I truly ascertain someone's authentic dance social media? And my short answer is no, because how will I know true? It kind of like what matters at the beginning, who am I to know what they're truly authentically like? And also in my experience, when I've met people in person, that's when I, that's when I can really get a sense of their energy.

That's why I don't do grinder cookups anymore. I can chuck chaff people on grinder, but I need to meet them first in a no expectation environment before I ascertain whether something's going to happen or not. But to say my idea, like I can get a sense of somebody on social media, but I guess I'm also a little bit cynical about this because I see so much of it. And it's very easy to paint a picture and curate. But again, that's not always, that's not always being inauthentic.

There's, there is a fine line there, right? So I just want to make that clear. But the long answer, if the short answer is no, then the longer answer is yes to a degree. Like I can, I can get a sense of it. Like there's a ceiling there. I can, I can be pretty good judge. When I look at someone's profile, for example, that I don't know, if I'm scrolling through kind of the things I'm looking for are, is this too pretty? Is this too good? Is this too perfect? Is this too much?

Like I could just, it's a feeling I have. I know of things I like to see on people's profiles, especially. So now that I'm single again, I'm using Instagram more than I'm using Grindr, I'm new people, which is great. But I look for like a mix of photos. So it's not just selfie, selfie, selfie, selfie, selfie, selfie, selfie, selfie. It's kind of like, just show me a little bit more.

So if I see like a funny photo where they're kind of like off the cuff, candid, laughing, and you know, have versus a really pretty nice curated shot, you know, for a gym, selfie, whatever. I like to see a mix, and a mix of people. So if it's just you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you on your social media, that's for me. That doesn't, that doesn't, yeah, for sure. And then also someone who can make fun of themselves.

So as I said, like photos where they're kind of, they don't look good or like they don't look perfect, but it's still really endearing and beautiful and authentic. That to me is very attractive. So guys who can kind of have a sense of humor. Actually, going back to my first story, this group of guys on the beach, when they were doing that whole, oh yes, should we post it? We're not supposed to blah, blah, blah.

The one guy was like, oh my god, like I looked terrible, but he said, I remember this, I don't give a fuck posted anyway. And I was like, you're my guy. Yeah. You're the one that I love. Like fuck it. Just go ahead and post it. What does it matter? Right. So that to me is more authentic. And that's a good way to look at it is how. If it's you in that position, do you want them to like take the picture again and say, no, no, no, we got to do a day. I can't let that go.

Do you want them to post it and not take you so that people can't find you and see that? Right? Yeah. I'm just going to go through that process and your own mind, yourself, if you're in that position. Yeah. When I was younger, I probably would have cared now. I don't really. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had to learn that. My friends will post photos and they want to ask if they're just posting them like it is. Yeah. Not my best moment. But it's kind of, it's good practice for me.

Like, okay, well, this is, this is authentically me. I made that face. I looked like that. That particular moment that was authentically me. So have at it. And if someone wants to judge me for that, then again, they're not my person. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Well, we were speaking to you. I was thinking about like, I don't exactly know what the distinction is, but I think like congruence is the word. There's this. There's something around congruence. Like, I can feel.

I'm, yeah, like I'm really sort of a tune to congruence. And like when it's present and when it's not perhaps. So like, you know, as maybe a send in them for like authenticity or integrity or, you know, words akin to, yeah, there's a piece where like when there's a lack of congruence or something like that, it's like I can feel it even when it's subtle.

Yeah. Yeah. What it's, when it's me, I think, let's go to Reno's example of like people coming over to your house and you wanting to clean the house. For me, it depends on the person and depends on who you are, like your level of closeness to me. If it's someone that I don't know, like I'm going on a first date or someone who I don't know, I want the house to be nice. I want me to show up with my best report.

If it's someone, but as we get to know each other and as those walls come down a bit and as that mask and those layers reveal themselves more, first of all, I'm not afraid to do that. I'm happy to do that. I want to do that with the right person. I don't keep them away. But then, all of a sudden, it doesn't matter what my house looks like. You want to pop over and come over and every one doors open. I could be half naked and things are shrew. Come on in, my home is your home.

And it's the same thing with like how I show up with myself. Like I said before, my friends have seen me in my absolute worst. I don't try at all to put on any kind of show for them. So it is different. And as I get to know somebody, I think this is true for a lot of people, those walls come down. And that we allow that to happen, we are okay to feel vulnerable to be authentic and to let down that peel off those layers one step at a time.

Someone asked a question once and I don't know if I'm going to get it right completely, but it was something along the lines of like, what's it like to be you when you're not trying to be anything? I love that. I know, and I was like, oh, that's so good. Yeah, it's like what, yeah, like who are you, slash what, what is it like to be you when you're not trying to be anything? And I just notice like I breathe a bit more deeply. My shoulders relax a bit. My body relaxes a bit.

My nervous system just kind of chills out a bit, you know, and it's like, well, if we all just kind of got to move through the world in that way, you know, just for this moment or like just for today, like what if what if you tried that on? Like what if just for today, you tried like what if you just yeah, just for today, you weren't trying to be anything or be anyone, you know, and you just were like, what would that be like? Yeah. I love that question. Yeah. Matt, how would you answer that?

How would it, what was the question? What's it like to be you when you're not trying to be anything? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that is authenticity for me. Yeah. In one side of it though, I would say, you know, and the other side is it's like we did our episode on reinventing yourself and it was about like self-concept and how when a one self concept starts to kind of like, it's no longer a fit for us.

We move into a new self concept and that's part of how psychology works like our own psychology, our own ego. It's grabbing onto identities that we can that we can connect with. So I think they're both okay, right? Like it's like when once when one parts of a part of us is like dying off or we're going through a rebirth or a reinvention, I think, you know, connecting and trying on new hats, you know, playing with perception, like who would I be if I was this, right?

So I think they're both they're both valid. Their both can be authentic, but I love this, I love this notion of like letting go of all of this stuff. And I think that's for me has been the probably the best way to describe my spiritual awakening and my spiritual evolution is the I have less and less identification with labels.

And I I less and less want to play around with perception and I want to just be the energy of who I am and embody, you know, like whatever I am, like someday I'm depressed, someday I'm tired, someday I'm happy, someday I'm naughty, like it just kind of just embody all of them, you know, like, yeah, this isn't really if it's you we could go so meta with this, like this is a very meta concept in my mind. I'm like resisting the urge because I sell what?

Yeah. And I hate that Facebook took that word meta because I'm like I hate even using it now because it's like me and Facebook. I'm like screw you Facebook, that's such an awesome word and you totally. You know, I think how this whole concept of authenticity has changed for me too is that like who I am has become more of an emergence or revealing like I'm not I don't really feel like I push it. I think it's more just like I kind of sit back and I am revealed to myself every day

in every moment and I'm like, hmm, okay, cool. So like this is what we're up to today. This is what we're wearing today. This is who we're being today. This is what we're drawn to or away from today. This is how we're perceiving things today. And it's I sort of I just noticed like I'm a little bit more relaxed in it all as opposed to like I don't know really trying to put anything in particular forward.

Like even today I was just like I know where hoodie and the rest of my sweatpants and my cap, you know, like I don't I was like I don't really care to like you know give the kids a look like this is the look. This is the look today. You know, yeah, it's kind of comfort is the look. Yeah. I love it. So at the risk of going for another hour. Yes, or any brief last words you guys have to share on the topic. We're good. Okay, awesome.

Well, thank you Matt. Thank you Reno as always for your wisdom and insights on this topic. You answered some questions for me and in other ways we have open doors to more. So to that end for those of you who are watching and listening, please share with us your thoughts in YouTube.

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