A Warlock from the 1600's gets transported to the eighties closely pursued by his mortal enemy, Redferne; a witch-hunter and smelly coat enthusiast who will stop at nothing to kill him. He hits up a psychic medium and learns that he's been sent there to assemble the Grand Grimoire, an evil text that contains the name of God, which if uttered backwards will undo all of creation. Some how he sees an upside to this, so goes about it, even though undoing all of creation means he won't have any place...
Mar 12, 2021•1 hr 22 min•Ep. 100
Gather 'round kids and let old grandpappy spin you a yarn about old Paul Bunyan and his big blue ox Babe. Well, you see old Paul was a great big feller. Looked kinda like a lost member of that band GWAR. Now everyone hated old paul because he was a horrible mutant. And old Paul, he only loved two things in the world, his Ox, and some lady who didn't actually like him or seem to even know who he was. Sadly one day old Babe caught some type of digital rabies and started floating around the forest ...
Mar 05, 2021•1 hr 22 min•Ep. 99
A doofus with seemingly no construction experience decides to build his family a home on the burned remains of a house where a horrible tragedy took place. He then marries a widow with a nerdy kid and lots of baggage, effectively Brady Bunching them together with his hunky son and young daughter in the Winchester Mystery House of bad wiring and leaky gas-lines. Luckily for this doofus, the place is haunted by an inexplicable replica of the Amityville house that he finds in his shed, and it manag...
Feb 26, 2021•1 hr 42 min•Ep. 98
Every generation there comes a movie that is so transformational to the very fabric of society that it is hard to step back and see it as simply a film. Plutonium Baby is such a film. Although it has been seen by only a handful of people, Plutonium Baby has been called the greatest film of the twentieth century. The scene of Billy eating a whole trout by the pond has been hailed as a possible cure for arthritis. The forty minutes of walking through New York with no purpose, motivation, or plot h...
Feb 19, 2021•1 hr 14 min•Ep. 97
The Curse is the story of a woman trying to keep her family together by marrying a man who is conservatively eighty years her senior. The son, played by a young and very unhappy Wil Wheaton, makes the crazy logic leap that the giant, veiny, glowing sphere that has skidded a half-mile across the family farm, might just be from space. The family remains unconvinced, even as their vegetables and livestock start to become infected by slimy space-testicle goop that seems to be causing both chicken an...
Feb 12, 2021•1 hr 23 min•Ep. 96
1987's Dolls is a sort of modern-day retelling of the story of Hansel and Gretel. Only instead of a candy, this house is made mostly of dry-rot and mouse poop. You still have the two innocent children, but they are now played by a little girl (Judy), and a child-like adult (Ralph). The comparison breaks down here, because our witch is actually a husband and wife witch team, who are seemingly tasked with punishing shitty parents and criminal Brit-Punks. Long story short, some folks get killed by ...
Feb 05, 2021•1 hr 13 min•Ep. 95
André Toulon is a kindly old puppet maker. For reasons unknown, he has an ancient papyrus scroll with the secret to imbuing inanimate objects (specifically puppets...but I don't see any rules that it wouldn't work with toasters and couches) with life. When he sees two (maybe?) SS officers coming to capture him, he kills himself to avoid his secrets getting into the hands of the (Nazis?) Humanity has now been spared the horror of Hitler fighting WWII with sentient puppets, only to have a douchey ...
Jan 22, 2021•1 hr 18 min•Ep. 94
When a delivery truck accidentally delivers a cursed TV set to a sad drunk writer, other worldly zombies known as the Video Dead are released to wreak havoc on a small suburban town. Brother and sister Jeff & Zoey move into the murder house three months later, starting the murder spree back up. One dead dog and many dead neighbors later, they finally listen to the fake Texan who is for some reason an expert in all things related to occult TVs, and go on a zombie killing spree. Wackiness ensu...
Jan 15, 2021•1 hr 17 min•Ep. 93
When a million selling, mostly female Bon Jovi cover band arrives at the studio to cut a record, their drummer/fog machine operator sees that all their songs suck. He realizes that the only sane option is to seek out the devil and purchase an unreleased track from pop music's greatest hit machine, Nicolo Paganini. He fills a duffle-bag with unmarked bills and heads to a burned-out cathedral to meet a badly dubbed Donald Pleasence. Being a drummer, (the musicians most known for their musical lite...
Jan 08, 2021•1 hr 12 min•Ep. 92
Ho ho ho…boy. Here’s a very special non-horror episode just for Christmas. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. When a family goes out of town for the holidays, some bumbling BANDITS rob the place. Luckily someone was left…HOME ALONE to fight them off with clever traps. Ok. Fine. It’s an obvious rip-off of Home Alone, but did Home Alone have talking dogs, Kevin Sorbo, and Dom DeLuise’s kid? Of course not. They had actual money. Is this a bad movie? I guess? But honestly, you could do worse f...
Dec 24, 2020•1 hr 16 min•Ep. 91
If you’re like me, Christmas time means one thing: Samurai sex movies directed by drugged out French maniacs. When a family of Wisconsin deer hunters goes home to visit their amateur painter / godlike psychic with cosmic powers / Shelly Duval impersonator mother, they unleash a demonic samurai whose murder spree is somehow attached to the son’s new girlfriend’s orgasms because maybe she cut her finger on his sword as a child? Or was that the mom? Or they’re unrelated? Or he’s from WWII, and the ...
Dec 22, 2020•1 hr 19 min•Ep. 90
This week on Subspecies : The Legendary Journeys, Radu is dead again, but not for long! The love of his life wants him dead (again, again...), and his mom is constantly trying to get him to murder his would be forever girl. Now his potential beau's nosy sister is hiring heavily armed CIA contractors to shoot up the place. It's enough to make even the best vampire kings throw up their big wiggly hands and give in. But Radu's not like other vampires. He keeps his chin up, (which causes a lot of dr...
Dec 04, 2020•1 hr 16 min•Ep. 89
Everybody's favorite drooling Dracula, Radu is back and this time he's brought his mom! Radu continues his reign as filmdom's brattiest vampire. He skulks around his dad's house being surly to visitors. He runs to his mom when a girl won't hang out with him. And all he really wants to do is hang around his dad's house rent free, playing with his Bloodstone. Honestly...sounds pretty great. We start out the podcast with Matt being an unbeliever in the beauty of Subspecies, only to win him over to ...
Nov 13, 2020•1 hr 26 min•Ep. 88
When an ancient tome full of evil doodles is delivered to a sexy co-ed house cleaning service, nudity ensues. At first they're menaced by a buffer, more poorly drawn version of a Tex Avery style wolf, but he's really a demon I guess. I mean, we see him as a cartoon, maybe because he was a drawing in a book? Not sure. Luckily he turns into one of the co-eds pretty quickly so we don't have to think too much about that. And hey! David Carradine is here. That's pretty fun right? He's like a bad guy,...
Oct 22, 2020•1 hr 10 min•Ep. 87
When Annie leaves her abusive boyfriend, she heads over to her friend's house for solace. Little does she know, this house... is a witch house. Or Witchouse. Whatever. It's really more of a witch-apartment. Or Witchapartment. On the plus side, it has a witch hot-tub. Or Witchotub. Anyway, they get drunk and summon an evil witch. Like you do when you're on the rebound. Witch is mad. Witch kills people. Yadda Yadda, big twist ending. So throw away your sports bras, grab your Sony Hi8 camcorder, an...
Oct 16, 2020•1 hr 10 min•Ep. 86
When pop-star Kate and her son Jason move into an antebellum home with a horrible history of slavery, murder, and voodoo curses to live with her lover and ex-psychiatrist, things SHOCKINGLY go poorly. Between demon possession, murderous pigeons, a haunted piano and a hanged muppet, this movie delivers on all fronts. So put on your "Beat of the Heart" record, get yourself a big ole' head-zipper, and join Matt and Tristan as they smash themselves over the head with the offensive lamp that is Scare...
Oct 09, 2020•1 hr 33 min•Ep. 85
Featuring a murderous lawyer masquerading as a murderous coroner, an actress from Sex in the City, and a machine whose sole purpose is to make people into spam-cubes, Doom Asylum truly is the Citizen Kane of abandoned New Jersey slasher flicks. When Kiki and her friends go to the local abandoned asylum adjacent to the site of her mother's grisly death, the lawyer-cum-coroner kills them off one by one to impress Kiki, but only because he thinks she's her mother Judy. Why any of this would impress...
Oct 02, 2020•1 hr 13 min•Ep. 84
When famed IC Comics artist Colin Childress summons a demon from hell by using art references from what appears to be a copy of the Necronomicon made by local kindergarteners, he smartly sends it back by burning the art that summoned it. Unfortunately, being a bit of a klutz, he also burns himself alive in the process. Thirty years later, Childress super-fan and up and coming comic artist Whitney decides to enroll in an art school that occupies the exact building where Childress died. In an atte...
Sep 24, 2020•1 hr 4 min•Ep. 83
Definitely in the top five of anyone's list of Vampire-Westerns, Sundown : The Vampire in Retreat is the story of a neglectful husband who is too obsessed with curing disease and helping the stupid sick and suffering to properly bone down with his wife. She responds by having an affair with a vampire. This vampire then hires the husband to work at the local blood factory in hopes of murdering him and taking his wife for himself. Also, there's a daughter who's obsessed with vampires, who may or m...
Sep 17, 2020•1 hr 51 min•Ep. 82
Papa Roach probably said it best when they said, "Wait...why do we only get 2 drink tickets? Are we even getting paid for this? Come on. At least give us gas money. This is the worst Chuck E. Cheese we've ever played." When a child who may be named Timmy or Tommy (I don't have the energy to figure out which) gets caught assembling a nudie puzzle by his mother, he overreacts, just a tad, and kills his mother with an axe. Having learned all he knows about women from his sexy jigsaw puzzle, he does...
Sep 10, 2020•1 hr 23 min•Ep. 81
Sisters. Sisters. There were never such devoted sisters. They walk alike, they talk alike and sometimes one of them contracts a flesh-eating virus that renders her visage as monstrous as her sadistic soul, and then, breaking her restraints, escapes her hospital bed and embarks upon a murderous rampage using a weaponized attack Rottweiler and assistance from her insane uncle who is also a priest who then throws a basement corpse party for their birthdays. What a crazy pair! Tristan and special gu...
Sep 08, 2020•1 hr 36 min•Ep. 80
It turns out that the government thought that this dog-infiltrates-enemy-base, monster-hunts-dog weapons program was a strong enough concept to warrant a second go. This time they renamed it the Aesop Project, after rapper Aesop Rock, because he also removes people's eyes when he kills them. This time around the monster is a reused rubber suit from an earlier film, and the star power is Mark Singer, best known from the inescapable TBS stalwart, The Beastmaster. This movie features a driving dog,...
Aug 21, 2020•1 hr 25 min•Ep. 79
When an explosion in a secret government genetics lab and monster training facility releases a dog hating Sasquatch and the hyper intelligent golden retriever that he's psychically bonded to, there's only one person you can count on to round him up, Canada's scariest bald guy, Michael Ironsides. The government's Sasquatch wreaks havoc across the country side until a final confrontation in Corey Haim's ancestral hunting cabin. So get in your antique truck, feather your mullet, and join Matt and T...
Aug 14, 2020•1 hr 48 min•Ep. 78
Do you want to know what lives in the closet? Well, it's a bit complicated. He's a demon that little Cameron summoned with his psychic powers. But he only did it because his dad had an idol with his image on it that he gave Cameron because he was too cheap for a Skeletor figure to fight his unlicensed He-Man knockoff figure. While Cameron is slowly manifesting this demon into the real world, he's blowing through father figures like Kleenex. Once he's down to the last father figure in the box (Sa...
Aug 07, 2020•1 hr 33 min•Ep. 77
Popcorn is like Phantom of the Opera, but instead of Opera, it's got movies about killer mosquitos. Instead of Andrew Lloyd Webber music you get reggae. And where there was once a tragic performer haunting the theater and singing beautiful duets with a talented new Prima with whom he shares a bond deeper than life itself, you have a guy named Toby who keeps a sink full of faces. Better right? Obvi. Grab your ceremonial dagger, your box full of stink pellets, and join Tristan and Matt as they zip...
Jul 31, 2020•1 hr 48 min•Ep. 76
Demons is a cautionary tale about the dangers of skipping class and going to free movie screenings. Also, it's a cautionary tale about not naming your child Urbano Barbarini, which nobody can convince me is not just Italian for Urban Barbarian. When two college girls skip class because a man with a half-metal face gives them free movie tickets, they wind up getting sealed up in a cursed building overrun by both demons and broad stereotypes. Goop flies six ways to Sunday, faces are ripped, finger...
Jul 24, 2020•1 hr 28 min•Ep. 75
If you think that this is just another movie about a family of middle-aged murderers, most of whom believe themselves to be children, living on a deserted island, who kill off a group of campers who's plane has gone down unexpectedly while they were on a vacation trip to take their friends mind off the death of her infant son, think again. Featuring, swing murder, children's skipping rope murder, and a basement full of corpses that little Fanny calls Big Dolls, this is not a run of the mill slas...
Jul 09, 2020•1 hr 34 min•Ep. 74
"But who will bring the ice cream?" The innocent words of a young Clint Howard, as he eats a pushup next to the body of yet another ice cream delivery professional struck down by vicious gangsters in a scene that is becoming all too familiar in suburban neighborhoods. In this brave film, we are given a rare opportunity to see the world through the Ice Cream Man's eyes. A world where not every day is a happy, happy, happy day. Once he has finally left the asylum, which may or may not be run by cl...
Jun 26, 2020•1 hr 47 min•Ep. 73
In the future, Venice will be a toxic hellscape of mutant monsters and zombie-like crazies with guns. But not to worry. Megaforce, the greatest fighting team ever assembled, is here to protect what I believe to be an abandoned power plant. Many mutants will be dispatched, many dummies will be thrown over railings, and many copyrights will be infringed. In fact, for more information about the plot and dialog, just go to IMDB and look up the plot to Aliens. It's almost verbatim. Remember when that...
Jun 19, 2020•59 min•Ep. 72
If you ever saw the movie Alien and thought, "Why isn't this a low budget buddy cop movie?". Fred Olen Ray has you covered. In what looks to be a 15 minute short film stretched to feature length using scenes of lab guys saying things like, "Shut it down!," and "It appears to have gone dormant." We have our hero shooting kids for stealing halloween masks, stealing alien eggs from the scene of a multiple homicide, having an inappropriate office romance with a woman approximately six-hundred years ...
Jun 05, 2020•1 hr 14 min•Ep. 71
