How to Get Your Spouse on Board with Frugality

we are super glad you're spending this not holiday with us. Welcome. Yes, I am Jen, I'm Jill, and today we are talking about getting your partner on board with mainly frugality, but this can be used for anything financial, paying off debt, pursuing financial independence, whatever it is. We're gonna show you all of the manipulatives and tricks well not to do, how to trick your partner into frugality, um and manipulate

them there. So that's exactly what you wanted to hear, I know so, But before we dive into it, let's hear a word from our sponsors. Yes, today's episode is brought to you by discounted Fireworks. As you drive down the road today, don't let the sales signs on those fireworks be a metaphor for your relationship. Discounted fireworks short but sweet. I really tried, but I really wanted to have discounted fireworks sponsor the show, and that was all I could give for them. I don't let it be

a metaphor for your relationship, guys, discounted fireworks. I actually used to work at a fireworks roadside stand. I don't even know if you could call it worked for right, It's probably not even like a legitimate yeah, but I did. I sold fireworks on the side of the road in a previous life. But that would be a pretty warm side hustle. It was warm and sweaty. Doesn't sound lovely, but what we are, we are so good at this. What is lovely is love, and that includes your significant other.

When you discover frugality and minimalism and financial freedom, it can be in a intoxicating season, and sometimes we don't always go about getting the ones we love on board with it as tactfully as we should. So today that's what we're talking about. Tips and tricks, no tricks, mostly tips on on on getting your spouse a partner on board.

Oh goodness, yeah, not manipulation, no, no worries. Yeah, so our first article is from Dave Ramsey because we haven't used in our entire like over a year of podcasting, I don't know if we've used a Dave Ramsey article. I think you're right. We've talked a lot about him, yes, and this brand, but we have not referenced an article. Conclude what you want from that. This is a really good one though. It's three ways to get your spouse

on board financially. And if Dave does one thing very well, it's informing his listeners on how to speak to their spouse about him, because he knows he's a four letter word and and so like literally and figuratively, and so he does a really good job of guiding people through that. Yeah, and this is so important because if you do have a spouse while you're on this journey of frugality, it's so important to have some level of unity and understanding.

And unity doesn't always mean agreeing. It just means that you are working towards a common goal together, or there's at least understanding and respect of one another. So it doesn't mean that you have to do all of these things the same, but you definitely don't want to be working against each other. And so part of this is even being able to communicate and and see where you are on the same page. Sometimes it can seem like you're against each other, but you're really not, right, Like,

the value is there for money. Everybody has a value for money. It's just how do you want to walk that out? How do you want to flesh that out? What are some of the barriers to some of these hot button topics of budget or saving right, Like, we can have these connotations to it, but if we can take the time to work towards understanding and moving towards

each other's needs and these areas can really help. So this article lists out three things of what it comes down to and getting on the same page with frugality or financial goals. And number one is your words. So when you approach a conversation with your spouse about finances, it's really important to watch your words, watch what you say,

how it comes out of your mouth. So avoiding these hot button things like you never or you always, and even using this conversation to pull in your go to have hit our arguments right, So doing your best to not connect it to other aspects of arguments that you've had, or to connect it to your spouse's character. Believing the best in them when it comes to this topic is really important and just two more so focus on yourself, your goals, what you're trying to get at with with it,

rather than attacking character or attacking the person. And we we mentioned some of the stuff in our Cultivating a Culture of Frugality in your Community episode. A lot of cs in that in that one, but alliteration, a lot of yeah, a lot of alliteration. But I think it is it's way more important to watch you know, what you're saying and all these other things with your spouse. So um, it just takes it to this is that was like one oh one and this is two oh one.

So the next big thing is watching your tone because this one is super super important, especially if you are if you are a sassy sister or brother, like I can be bossy brother, a bossy brother, or a sassy sister. You know what a condescending tone sounds like. And so don't pretend when you're sounding all condescending that they're not going to get that, Like, you know what you're doing

when you say something in that tone. So, yeah, you have to be intentional about making sure your tone stays respectful and polite, and in the same vein make sure your body language and your body tone is staying respectful. Like furrowing your eyebrows, rolling your eyes. Um, it's like we're crossing your arms, which I mean, we're couching this in financial conversation. But this is just this is conflict

resolution one O one, which is far easier said than done. Right, hear me when I say that I am not perfect in this, but it's still important to review the tips here on how to navigate some some touchy territory because you'd be far better off if you can implement these things. Yeah, because when your spouse is going off and buying things and you don't approve, it's very easy to I I don't personally have this problem because Travis is like so frugal.

It's like he has the problem with me. So like I'm speaking from the person who if I had gotten that kind of body language and tone and those words like right, I would, I would You're clear of anything that that person has to offer me, and then that would also just cause conflict. So with two steps back is what it would do, yeah, certainly. And the last one number three on this list of how to approach this conversation and getting your spouse on board financially is

your timing. So don't dive into a conversation about this when you are in the middle of trying to bathe your kids or feed them dinner, or trying to accomplish some really important task. Right, It's important to do this when there's your free from distraction. You're in a place to be able to receive and give an emotionally healthy way what you're trying to communicate. And so in the counseling world, I would refer to this as understanding your

spouse's emotional and relational currency. And so what I mean by that is when yeah, right, I like it. I use this a lot actually with my clients. So what that means is in knowing your spouse and who they are, how do they best receive information or communications from you, particularly that might be more difficult to navigate. So what this might mean is definitely usually free from distraction for

most people. But does that mean that you have this conversation over a nice dinner or their favorite meal, or you take them to a park or whatever. That means you know your spouse better than I do, I would hope, So what is their emotional and relational currency and meet them in that place. And I'm not talking manipulation. I'm not talking back door them, trick them into an answer. I'm just saying, set the stage for how are they

best going to receive information? Your timing of this, and that's probably going to look more like a Saturday afternoon then a Monday night, like when your spouse is trying to go to sleep, which also means that you've prepared for this, that you have in your mind the things that you want to communicate. Hopefully you've come to a place of being to some degree rational in the way

that you're able to communicate your thoughts, opinions, ideas. And that's assuming that this is a super hot button issue for you. It could be that you guys are on the same page. You just need space to talk about this. So in that way, your words, your tone, your timing, they can make all the difference in this conversation going well, yes, so those are those are kind of the things to

be aware of. So your your words, your timing, your tone, and our next article, um is kind of like what to do And this is from Mom and Dad money dot com and it's it's called how to Get your spouse on board with ugeting. But we find that a lot of times budgeting and frugality are definitely viewed is the same thing, especially when you're coming into it. So if you don't know, if you haven't been listening to the Frugal Friends podcast for the last year, you just

assume that budgeting and being frugal is being restricted. And so of course that doesn't sound fun. So Matt Becker wrote a really great article on ways that you can again not manipulate, but just open up the conversation, open the floor for more receptiveness. And so some of the tips that they give here and how to do this. The first one is to lead by example, you know, start with the man in the mirror asking to change his ways. Yes, usually no message could be any clearer.

If you want to make the world a better place, you'll probably have to look at yourself and make a change. Oh that was so wise, Jill. Yeah, I feel like if you've heard it somewhere, I do too, But it's probably just from you. Probably, I mean a lot of people talk about the man in the mirror, So it's you know right anyhow, Michael Jackson said it, and he said, don't us so well to lead by example, And that's

the concept here is to start with yourself. If this is something that you want to do, then don't look to your spouse first to say you do it. There's something I really want to do, but let me watch you do it. Uh No, you start to put it into practice with what you have influence and control over and practice it first. Do it first and let it kind of think in that way. Yeah, and don't say like I can't do it because my spouse isn't doing it, so it's just too hard. Like do it, like be

the change that you want to see. That's the actual quote that they use in the article, but we think they should have used Michael Jackson one. It's you have to start with yourself. And yes you're going to mess up, and yes your spouse is going to see you mess up, but that's why you ask for help with your own issues as well. That's number two. I really liked that one.

And again we're not talking manipulation, we're just talking how do relationships generally go well and how do, they generally go poorly, and to be able to say, okay, I might be able to get somebody on board if I'm willing to be vulnerable and go to them and say, here's something I'm trying to work on. Here's what's not working for me in this goal. Could you help me towards my goal? Could we work towards this in unity together? It may not be your goal, but if you could

help me, that'd be really great. Honestly, Like, when I see somebody like being vulnerable. I'm a huge fan of Brine Brown and like all of her her her books and her talks on vulnerability, because when you are being vulnerable, that is an instant invitation for the person on the

other end of that to also be vulnerable. There's always a reason why somebody doesn't want to make a change in their life, because nobody's going to say, like being financially secure, debt free, spending less, that that's a bad idea.

There's always a reason behind why people don't want to do that, and usually that comes out of a place of fear or trauma or just you know, a knowing or kind of happiness with kind of where they're at right now just like not wanting to change, and so opening them up and opening that line of vulnerability will help you figure out where they're you know, what their fears are and where they're at, and that's that's going

to get you to where you want to go. Quicker beautifully said Jen, because yeah, usually there are barriers to that for some reason, and it's most likely rooted not in a lack of value for reaching financial goals, but maybe other negative experiences. So there can be even a lot of intimacy, emotional and relational intimacy that can happen in these conversations because we know, and we've talked about this, finances are related to every other aspect of who we

are as individuals. So talking about these things is going to open the door to talking about other important things relationally, which speaking of that number three is talking about talking about it. So in order to even get at these goals with one another and be on the same page, you have to communicate about it. And so this is saying to set aside regular time for these conversations, almost making it a habit to be able to sit down review your goals. Are they still the same? What? What

have you accomplished so far. What are some shifts that might need to happen? What do you want to continue doing? Where's the budget at? Does that need to be revisited? Uh? And are each person's needs being met in this process right? Like, we're not talking about one person manipulating and steam rolling the other. Both individuals have to come to the table and negotiate through this process and take the time to

do that. Yes, yes, And the next thing that can help even the playing field and get you guys on the same level. I guess that's what evening the playing field is. But just kind of like same mindset giving each other free spend money. So you are it's obviously if you're passionate about the finances, making the budget, I know.

Dave Ramsey suggests that the nerd or the person that's more passionate about it, makes the budget and then gives it to the other partner and they have to change one thing about it, and then I would also add that each partner gets their own free spend money. That way, it doesn't feel like a restrictive contract that you're signing.

But then your spouse has freedom to buy things either without your permission or without feeling shame or guilt, because even if that's not what you're trying to put on them, it's still really easy to feel that way if you're quote unquote on a budget or trying to spend less. And that just comes down to like the vulnerability piece, too, is opening up those lines of communication so that your spouse can maybe confess that that's how they're feeling when

they're spending money or or whatever. But that free spend money allows everyone to breathe a little easier, gives a little bit more wiggle room, and can make you know, some of these conversations you're trying to have come a

little easier. It can add some buffer and help to drive home the idea that working towards these goals can actually bring freedom to know that you've got money that you can spend however you want to spend it, and it is still a part of the quote unquote budget that can really help and last but not least, give

it time. This is another frugal theme is that these things are all a process, and as with anything in marriage and any other relationship, it's two different people coming together, and so this is gonna be an entire process to figure out what this looks like to negotiate between the two of you, come to agreement, work towards unified goals. So you don't need to be hard on yourself if you don't get it right the first time, the second time,

the twentieth time. It's going to be a process. But you can continue to chip away at the small things that you are able to do, and to continue to work on yourself in this area and let that let that speak for itself. Yes, well said, this was a lot of good information and and I think we're ready to move on. I think we're ready to have some fun. Yes, it's where you start that fun with the bill of the weed. That's right, it's time for the best minute of your entire week. Maybe a baby was born and

his name is William. Maybe you paid off your mortgage, Maybe your car died, and you're happy to not have to pay that bill anymore. That's bills, Buffalo bills, Bill Clinton, this is the bills of the week. Heay Througal. Friends. This leaked us from the Pop Fashion podcasts, and I'm calling with a really exciting bill of the week for me. I am paying my car bill once and for all.

I've been making double payments on my car loans since I got my car in early so I am paying off my car note about two and a half years ahead of schedule on a five year loan. I'm super excited. It's all thanks to my tax refunds for this year. I know we're not really big on giving the government interest free loans here at Frugal Friends, but because I do so much freelancing, sometimes it's hard to know where

I'm going to be in terms of passes. So this year I'm getting a little bit back, and I'm really excited to just throw it on that car payment and then focus on my emergency savings and my travel fund. I'm so excited. I'm so happy to share it with you, and I hope you're as excited as I am that I am paying off my car bill. I'm never going

to have that baby again. Thanks gud All Right, Lisa felt the freedom to even share that you have a car payment, because there is no shame in how you are choosing to live your life and what you do with your finances. But you are paying it down and pretty soon you won't have a car payment. So I'm gonna celebrate with you in that bill. Yes, and I

am so excited for you double payments. Man, it's hard to keep up that for so long, especially when there's so many other things pulling for your attention and money. So like, good for you for sticking with it. You didn't and you're gonna you're driving a paid for a car right now. I'm sure because that was from a few months ago. So sometimes sometimes we run out of bills of the week and sometimes we get really backed up. So I am so excited we finally got to this one.

If you have a bill for us and you want to get it in the queue, then head over to Frugal Friends podcast dot com slash bill and leave us a either Google Voice or speak pipe and we are going to play that on the podcast and celebrate with you and be excited. Raising my arms in excitement right now. Confirm yes, two reasons for it? Yes, all right? For our finale, our grand finale. You know what comes next. It's of course the lightning Round, the Lightning Round. Gen

balances it with as sounding as nor well as possible. Yeah, I just don't want to intimidate or scare the people if I do it enough though, one of these days, I'm going to get you to say it as intense as I say it. I know if I do it enough, one day you'll come over. You can't beat them, join them.

You'll get me on board with the Lightning Round using all the tips that we've just shared exactly, Jenn, I could really use your help next time in creating some sense of urgency and excitement for the Lightning Round using deep voices. What do you think I'll think about it. I'll consider it. But today our Lightning Round is Four ways to ensure your spouse will hate frugality and you forever. Oh. Yes, these are the tips everyone wants to hear. Yes, and

these are the important ones. If you really don't care about getting your spouse on board with frugality and actually you want to ensure they hate it and they also hate you in the process. We've got four tips for you. So turn that speaker up and let's get started, Jill, and don't ask us how we came up with these examples.

They're just examples and tips for just so. Number one, take the empty toothpaste out of the trash, cut the end off of it, and get that last little bit that they wasted put it on their toothbrush, and bonus points if you do this right in front of them, or leave the remains where they can see it, just to show them what what you did, just to show them what they wasted. Frugality is happening in your home. Yes,

that's a really good one, all right. Number two, Tell them what the return on that four dollar and fifty cent latte would be if they would have invested it in the market and left it there for thirty years in a loafie index fund. What would it be? What do you think that would be? Kind? I don't know, Um, two dollars. It would be an average of six to eight percent return on investments either way. The concept here is to shame them for purchasing that four dollar and

fifty cent latte. Yes, um. Number three, mention the budget several times a day, even when unsolicited, like nobody asked about it. It's not related. But just bring up the budget, yeah, especially when nobody asked. And the last thing that you do is don't mention any of the things you do appreciate about them until they come over to your side. So just cease all praise and words of affirmation on all the other things until they do the one thing that you have asked them to do, just one thing.

It's just do all the things financially that you want them to do. It's just that one thing. Because withholding love and affection until people do what we want them to do, it has been proven effective nine out of ten times, nine out of ten. Right, And I don't even know who that one person is, so they probably forgot to follow up on the study. Yeah, that's probably right. You're probably right. Well, those those are it like sarcasm.

Don't do these things. Don't do them. Definitely going to find out how much four dollars and fifty cents in the market would be after thirty years. So um, yeah, you got me there. Even though Travis would never ever buy a latte ever, that's true when he does that to me, that's what I'm going to say, Like, I calculated this and I decided that this worth loss. Yeah, this loss of so many hundred dollars was worth it. That's how much this latte costs me. And I accept that. Good.

These are all fantastic things to do and not to do. And another thing to do is to join our book club. So it's July and we are reading Essentialism by Greg McEwan. I think that's how you pronounce his name. For our book club is you should definitely get in on that, talk about it with us, and maybe manipulate your spouse into it as well, which I mean. But by the way, books are phenomenal tools for becoming on the same page and or unified in a concept. This doesn't just relate

to frugality and finances like anything. It's a shared experience with shared input of ideas that you can talk about and could be a good launching point. So this this could be a real time tangible tip of you know, both of you join us in whatever book we're reading, or previous books that we've read, or whatever book you want to read. It could be a good platform for

conversation on this topic. Yeah, especially when the book is not blatantly about money, but it's more about the things that you want to accomplish in life or values that you want to have. When it's about those things, then you can relate it back to the money, and that's an even better introduction to it. So definitely join us in reading Essentialism if you want a free copy, because all the copies are taken out by other Frugal Friends from the library. Then leave us a review on iTunes

or stitchers. Screenshot the review and email it to Frugal Friends Podcasts at gmail dot com, and we're going to select one review from every five that we get, and the winners are going to get a cop be of essentialism. Fantastic And if you want an example of a helpful review, we came across some great writing here on on iTunes. You know, we love to reference articles, and so we're going to reference some helpful reviews here. This author just had a fantastic point of view. Uh. Comes from Brandy

three one seven. They say, love this podcast. That's the title and five stars. Uh, you know, it's just a part of the review. Love it, Love that, that's five stars. I came across this podcast while searching for quote unquote ways to save money and budgets and I'm glad. I did. I feel like Jen and Jill are my BFFs. Smiley face emoji, smiley face emoji period. I love that. I want to be your your bff. I yes, I of it. I actually had somebody on Instagram like message me and

she's like, oh, I'm sorry if this is weird. Uh, I feel like we're friends because of the podcast, And I was like, yes, I feel like just keep feeling that way. That's what I want you to feel that we are friends, because we are. We are friends. And I'm so glad that our SEO is working because we came up when they searched ways to save money and budgets. So I'm cleaning it on. I'm glad those efforts. Yeah, about those efforts we put in are working because we

don't we don't just throw this up willie nilly. We do put a little thought behind it, some thought, a little yeah, not too much, a little bit of mindfulness happening over here. Yeah, thank you for listening, Thanks for hanging out. We really hope that your relationship, even if you never have the same views and thoughts and ways to spend money, that you can really thrive financially. You can find a way to rive financially together because you don't have to be like the same type of spender

to be on the same page. And so we really hope that for you, and we hope that this episode has helped you with your communication on financial stuff. So until next week, well, oh well, I gotta say before we sign off. Yeah, so I am going on maternity leave for a few weeks, and so this is my last sign off, just for three weeks. Um. But I'm so excited that for our next few episodes, I am going to be replaced by my good friend Alison Baggerley

at inspired budget dot com. She's a rock star on Instagram, she is a rock star in real life. I know her, I love her, and I am so excited She's going to be sharing some some views that Jill and I don't have just from being a she's a teacher and she's a mom of two. She's overcome a target addiction, and she's just she's overcome some big stuff in her life and they've paid off a crap ton of debt. You can check out our last episode with Allison where

we shared her family's debt path story. She's just the funnest and you guys are not gonna miss me at all. I'm gonna be taking I'm gonna be taking a three week nap with my newborn and then I'll be back. So I am sad to see you leave for a bit, but I'm glad that you are modeling this care for yourself and your newborn. And I'm so stoked to have Allison for a little bit of time as a co host.

Loved having her on the podcast um months ago. So if you do need help with this transition, if you're uncertain of how this is going to impact you, to have it be Jill and Allison and not Jen and Jill. Definitely ease yourself into that by going back and listening to our interview with Alison from Inspired Budget, and I think you'll feel a bit more comfortable with what's about to happen to your ears next week. It'll be fun,

it's gonna be great. And then Jen's going to be back with us, So don't get too comfortable because they're coming back. Don't don't get too excited, um, but it will be hard not to because she's so great. So until for me four weeks from now, and jail until next week. For you are Revoir see you later. Frugal Friends is produced, edited and mixed by Eric Syria. I

feel like I'm retiring, You're not. I know, it's just three weeks and the party that is going to be had for you is childbirth, So this is definitely not a retirement. This is child birth. As you keep reminding me, how much support do you feel from me? Um zero since the very beginning, seeing as how you're the first person to find out. I was, Oh, in my own way, I am so excited. I just am bringing the reality to the situation and the awe. I hope that you feel that I am in awe of what's about to

happen to you. Yes, I'm so excited and I can't wait to meet him. He's oh, man, I can't wait to meet him either. And by the time his airs like, I mean, we will be to have been together for you know, quite a few weeks, you and yourself, Yes, me and myself. I thought that you meant like you and I will have been together, and I was like, wait, do I have something on the calendar I'm forgetting about. Oh, but alright, well I can't wait. This is this is it for a few weeks? And yeah, well have fun

seeing that you sound so sad. Snuggle that baby. M m hmm.