Episode three sixty four, how to build relationships in your thirties and how they impact your money.
Welcome to the Frugal Friends podcast, where you'll learn to save money, embrace simplicity, and liver your life. Man Here your hosts, Jen and Jill.
Welcome to the Frugal Friends podcast. My name is Jen, my name is Jill, and its two women solidly in their thirties, not late thirties, but approaching solidly in our mid thirties. I would say at thirty four, we have decided that it's time it's time we talk about friends in your thirties because they actually have a big impact
on your money and how you spend it. And we're excited to dive into how to recognize that impact, how to encourage that impact in a positive way, and then also about the importance of relationships in general and forming and building healthy relationships.
Yeah, we think this is so vital and we've got so much to say on it that we're not going to turn to the internet for this. We are going to share our own thoughts, similar to how we've done in a few other episodes in the past. We think this is one of the core principles of frugality and values based spending is finding and building and maintaining beneficial community. So we've got our own thoughts to share with you all today. There won't be any headlines here, hopefully you
stick with us. But first, this episode is brought to you by swapping lunches, the original way of making friends. Trading your PBNJ for your friends turkey sandwich or the homemade cookie for the dunker use pack, or just watching other people trade lunches because no one wants carrot sticks and wheat germ waffles. If this is you only now with your inbox instead of your lunch box, we have a solution. Even if all the emails you're receiving are the equivalent to cold lentil soup or two day old
baloney sandwich on seated bread. You two can level up your inbox game with the friend letter. It's our newsletter, Jen and Jill. I'm Jill, She's Jen. We send you updates on what you can get for free that week. Savings, tips, money, mindset shifts, so many great great goodies for free to your inbox. Frugal Friends Podcasts dot com. We will give you our cool lunch even if your lunch isn't that cool? Wow? Okay, okay, in the form of freebies and saving STIPs, yes, and moneys.
I mean, it really is an up level to your inbox.
No one ever wanted to trade lunchbox items with me, Jen, I never had the cool stuff.
That's because your parents spent all their money sending your siblings to private school.
I won't comment anymore on that. It's okay, mom, I turned out fine. I have a friend on the podcast Fantastic. If you really want to solidify your friends, get into business with them. That's what those episodes about.
Yes, I don't right if you're If you're paranoid that your friends will leave you, enter into a legally binding contract with them. That's the route we've taken. If you are not as paranoid, then this episode may offer you some tips, but that's just our first one off the bat. That one's free if you so. We've been talking about community for a while, from our earliest we are episode fifty eight, right, we're at episode three hundred and sixty four.
Now episode fifty eight. We talked about building a frugal culture in your community because that is how vital. Early on we have viewed our community, our friend group, our family, just the people in our vicinity. That's how important they are to your bigger journey of frugality. And yes, you can absolutely go out and find new friends if you want.
I guess you can't really find new family, but it's a lot harder to start from scratch versus like building that culture in So if you want to scroll all the way back in the archives, episode fifty eight, it's a good one. We also have episode three one three managing money as a single woman. I wasn't there for that episode, but I here it was a good one because definitely when you're single, you spend a lot more money cultivating community than you do when you have, you know,
a spouse, family, that sort of thing. It is just as important when you have those things to have community outside of your immediate family, but you get the opportunity to spend more money on it when you don't have those things. So that was a really good one with our friend Chloe. And yeah, let's get into our non headlines. It's just us talking about cultivating community. So take it away, Joe.
So here's where we're going in this episode. We're going to talk about why community, the importance of it. We want to talk about the different types of community and relationships that most of us have and engage in. We want to talk about how to find and keep relationships, especially for those of you who would solidly place yourself in your mid thirties, and how community and relationships impact our finances. But it's not just for those of you who are in your mid thirties. You can be a
range of ages and still glean hopefully. And here we go. We believe that community is super important, very vital, because we think that it's one of our core needs and
core components of our personhood. We talk a lot about our whole personhood, where we describe that we are physical beings, emotional beings, mental beings, relational beings, spiritual beings, and all of these aspects of ourselves needs to be cared for in order for the others to also do well in order to aim at well being, and that our finances intersect with every aspect of our personhood in each of
these categories. So to focus in just on relationships in this episode, we think it's a massive part of who we are that we don't do well in isolation. I think we've probably all seen some version of what happens to people in isolation. Depending on what documentaries or news channels you watch, you end up learning what happens. We need people, and we crave that. We crave belonging. We
are searching for it. Sometimes we find really great life giving relationships and community, and sometimes we kind of keep not finding the people who are giving back or actually filling us up, maybe some people who are just a little bit more depleting. So hopefully in this episode we can kind of clear the air on why some of that is, how we can really find our people, but also not to get rid of the people who are depleting.
Just add in as we need, because not any one person or anyone group is going to fulfill all of our relational needs. It's going to take a variety of relationships and types of people and types of groups for us to feel well relationally. And of course there's a lot to be said on this topic of how we relate to one another. Personality plays a lot into this. I know attachment theory has a lot to say about the ways in which we relate. We're not going to take a deep dive into that, but suffice to say
we believe that relationships community are super important. It is vital. We've got to look at it, and then we've got to look at now how to finances play into this. But before we get there, I think it's also important to highlight the different ways that we do benefit from community. And I think some of those include shared resources. When we are engaged in just one on one relationships, but also groups, there can be opportunities for sharing of whatever
we've got, whether tangible or intangible. Resources. Ideas receive support, gives support, experience that reciprocity in relationship, and there can be the tangible and the intangible giving and taking. Because most of us don't have everything we need inside of ourselves or in our immediate surroundings, it kind of takes community and relationships to fill in the gaps or even help us to see where it is that we're lacking or how we can be of service and purpose to others.
Yeah. I think about this all the time. How we live in a society that's very individualistic, that definitely praises people for being as independent and self sufficient as possible, and so the idea of relying on other people for emotional needs and especially physical needs, is frowned upon socially. We don't want to be a mooch, we don't want to be needy, we don't want to look like we're struggling.
We don't want to make people feel bad for us. Right, And those are all the thoughts that play in our head. And the longer that we give into those, the more isolated we become. And so to the point where we get to our mid thirties, late thirties, and we have become so isolated from people that we really wonder where it started. And it's typically not and social media just plays a part in it. This is something cultural that
really drives us away from each other. And honestly, it's so easy to be individualistic because you can use money to buy yourself out of almost any problem. Right, you need a cup of sugar, you don't go to your neighbor anymore. You just drive to the store because you have a car that you could finance, and there's a store. There's ten stores on every corner. So it's can become
very easily easy to become more self sufficient. And so part of this conversation that we're heading into is taking shutting off all of this cultural bias that says, if I am not completely self sufficient, then I am not worthy. If I am not fully independent and fully functioning on my own, then I am not a valid person in our society. I'm not seen as somebody who is worth worth it. Rather, or my children will see me differently,
my partner will see me differently. I think we need to reset from that cultural bias and shoes an extreme, Like we don't want to go to the other extreme, but we want to have some sort of like interdependence where we rely on the people in our community and that is seen as strength not weakness. Because we all love helping our friends and family, right when somebody asks you for help, you're like, oh my gosh, yes, I
would love to help you. I love you. And we rob that from ourselves and from our friends when we don't want to be a quote unquote burden, right, and so we will just automatically spend money, maybe money that we don't have, money that could be better allocated somewhere else, or money that we don't need to to solve these
problems so that we're not seeing as a burden. So taking a reset and and say and having that neutral mindset, taking out the cultural bias so that we can embrace these benefits of community, the shared resources, the ideas, the
mental and physical support, the reciprocity. I was I was at the at my son's school for like a teacher parent meeting, and it was it was the kindergarten teachers with all the all the preschool parents, and they were talking about kids missing kindergarten and how that was becoming a huge problem and they wanted to see, like, how can we solve this, How can we set you up
for success? And they were like, we want you to be able to rely on each other to like, if you can't get your kid to school, like somebody else can. And some other woman was like, I just call an uber for my kid. And I was like, I was like a innovative, great, But I personally preferred the kindergarten teacher's idea of let's get you all together to form relationships.
Let's get you all together, the parents that you can know each other so that you can feel comfortable sending your child to school so that they don't miss school. Because you're not able. That doesn't mean that you are failing as a parent. It means that we need each other.
Yeah, that self sufficiency myth is such a huge factor in this, especially as we get older and we've got we're collecting decades of experience, and we've met a lot of people, and there's a lot more demands on us than maybe when we were in our late teens early twenties, where you kind of could spend every waking minute with another person. Now that people have families and they're starting to care for adult parents and their own children, it
can be really hard to even find the time. Even if we get past the barrier of oh, I don't want to need other people. Even if we're past that, then it's like where where do I find the people? And then how do I make time for genuine relationships? And we will talk about that, although we were not going to solve at all, but that can be a bit of a problem with simplicity and just the busyness that can happen, and maybe a lack of boundaries or
inability to say no and prioritize. So there's some of these other concepts that are going to be really important
in building, identifying, maintaining community. But before I get too far ahead of myself, I do think it's worth identifying and recognizing the tapes of community and relationships that do exist, because I think this can help us in knowing where am I lacking, Which of these categories is overflowing, which ones could use some more attention, and recognize that each one is good or neutral at least, but to help us know what's going on in our personal lives relationally.
So here's a couple of categories that we could break our relationships and community down into. They include chosen and given. So we all are kind of familiar with this. If anyone has ever been a part of a friend's giving a few days before or after Thanksgiving, you understand the
difference between chosen relationships and given relationships. So this is kind of talking about the friends that you select and maintain friendship with, and usually the family that is a part of your life that just kind of happened to you. You didn't get to choose your siblings or maybe even lack of siblings, and kind of who that family makeup is.
So the chosen and given relationships, we've also got old and new relationships, the people that we've been friends with for as far back as we can remember, and the people that we're just meeting now, or are pretty pretty little little buds of relationships in our lives. We've also yes, the friends that we have that are infants. Yes, yeah, I have one of those yes and they that was given after a choice made one night. Anyhow, we've got layers.
These are relationships are layered exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. None of these categories are super clean as much as we're are slicing and dicing them into these little yeah areas. So we've got then situational and more relational types of relationships. So situational might include the people that you have relationship with they may not even qualify as friendship, but situational community because of ships exactly it is. It is actually
becoming a colloquial term. But this might be the result of hobbies you're involved in or kids, school or extracurricular activities, versus maybe your more relational relationships that are heart connection, mind connection, emotional connection, reciprocity happening within those relationships. Again neutral, I think that it's it's good to have some of these peripheral relationships people that you are engaging with on a regular basis. Not every relationship has to be the
most deep intimate level of knowing and being known. These different categories are all necessary. Another way that we can look at the types of community that we have includes shared and individual. So sometimes relationships we are only involved in as a group or for anyone who has a partner, and you've kind of got your couple friends versus your individual friends, Like this is the friend I get together
when it's just me. But if we're getting together as a group and it's mixed gendered or mixed ages, or we're getting together around a certain activity, then you're going to have the there's a group versus there's the individual. Then this next category, which I love. And if you're ever going to be doing an inventory, make sure that you on paper, make sure that you hide this somewhere super super secret. But we all do have our life
giving and depleting relationships. Again, this is neutral. I'm not saying we need to get rid of all of the relationships that are primarily one sided or feel depleting, but we do need to know how many of our relationships would fall under this category because it's going to inform us on what our next steps for care for ourselves relationally is going to be. We also need to have life giving relationships at least to the same amount, if
not more than we have depleting relationships. And again, if we're identifying we've got a lot more of the depleting. That's going to be an opportunity to inwardly look at what is going on for me that that I am cultivating, attracting, finding myself in relationships that continue to fall under this category. And finally, the last way that we can categorize our
relationships are are in person or our online relationships. This is becoming more and more prevalent with especially through the pandemic, where we have found community online. We love it again, it's neutral. I do believe that you need to have both in person and online community. I don't think that at least it can solely be online. You could probably
do without online community, but you might miss out. There are spaces and people that we can find in the online space that we might not be able to find within a ten mile radius of where we currently live. This is particularly important, I think when it comes to finding people who might be similarly minded. When it comes to finances. I know that over the years, we've heard a lot from our listeners who are like, I love
these ideas and concepts. I can't seem to find anyone else who likes to talk about personal finance or can share an interest in investing. And I think where we find those gaps, that is where we can look to the online platforms. I think even the Frugal Friends community has become a beautiful place, not a replacement of getting together with folks in person, but it can provide a very important outlet if we're not finding it in person. So those are all the different categories that I think
it is worth taking inventory of. Who are the relationships in your life that you are engaging with on a monthly basis, who's comeing in and out? And in what categories would you place each of these. I think a lot of times in our thirties and beyond, we're probably going to find that we are engaging a lot with family, whether it's our spouse and kids or siblings and adult parents.
I think that we kind of see this a little bit turn inward when you're kind of going through the raising up of your own family, which is all fine and natural, but I think in those circumstances it's going to be worth saying, well, wait a second, am I hanging out with anybody who is chosen life giving where there's reciprocity and it's not just family or obligatory or depleting relationships. Not saying that they're all one and the same,
but sometimes they can be. So I think at different stages of life, it's worth identifying what is this season, Who are the relationships that are part of my life currently, what feels really great? Where am I lacking?
Yeah, I think it's important to have all of these relationships. Look at it as like through the eighty twenty rule lens right, So like twenty percent of our efforts result in eighty percent of our results, and it's the same with our relationships. So twenty percent of our relationships are going to make eighty percent of the impact of our at least financially in our lives. And then we're specifically
looking financially, right, but it's it's entire life, right. But the eighty there's another thing to be said for the eighty percent. So there's a like an evolution of the eighty twenty rule that says the it's the vital few and the useful many. We focus on the vital few, for sure. We want to make sure those are invested
in it and taken care of. That's our family, our closest friends, the people we spend the most time with, but we do not ignore the useful many that's our online relationships and our other friends that we don't see. Is often I think we really discount online relationships as being shallow, but they don't have to be. Some of my best friends I met that I met in person first, but our relationship is ninety I would say ninety five
percent online and we see each other twice a year. Right, But there's still some of my closest friends, but our relationship is mostly online, and that's great. As women who are raising families, it is hard to get schedules that are cohesive, right, So when we chat online or we have a zoom meeting, it's at a time that works for us. And maybe it's just messages and you know, the next person sees it in an hour or two hours in response, and it's this flow that works for us.
It honors the season that we're in a lot of us are in in our thirties without sacrificing it doesn't make an excuse that, oh I'm busy, I'm building my career, I'm raising young children, I'm newly married. It doesn't let those facts be an excuse. It lets the facts be the season, and we honor we honor that season. But in the meantime, we're still pursuing the useful many. So
we're still pursuing new relationships. We're investing in those situationships Like just like my son in school, I want to build relationships with these other parents, not just so my kid can have a ride if I'm not able to, but also so I can give that ride, and so you know, maybe there are play dates over the summer. There are a lot of reasons that I don't necessarily need to like be on a you know, a deep relationship with these people, but I do want to get
to know them to an extent. So it's good to have all of these and we do it in the right race. When we do it in the right ratio, then we can be most efficient with our time and it helped it can be most beneficial to our finances.
So I think it's worth also chatting about how to find that community and relationships. If we've done that inventory of who do I have in my life, where do I feel like I'm lacking what what can be done to build and cultivate the types of community relationships that I want to be having, and also potentially identifying when to let go of some of the community or relationships
that are not necessary anymore. Not again, I'm we're not advocating for actively just dropping people, but I think we can all see that there are cycles to relationships, and there are seasons for certain types of relationships, and that not every person that we've ever previously gotten together with on a regular basis needs to remain the person that or people that you're getting together with on a regular basis. Things shift, people change, seasons come and go, and sometimes
friendships and relationships come back around. But I think it's okay to hold some of these things with an open hand while also identifying what else can be woven into my life that is going to be helpful, useful, beneficial Relationally. So, when it comes to the chosen community, the types of relationships and people that we want to be a part of that we are selecting and curating for ourselves, I think part of that is going to start with identifying the type of friend that we are and or want
to be. It's very possible that we currently are not the type of friend that we would want to describe ourselves as, and it may take work to become the friend that you want to be. And I think that too, this is something people in our age bracket are facing, and I'm sure it's faced in every generation, but kind of a re looking at who, how am I showing up pin relationships? How are people experiencing me? What do I want to see improved here? And what am I
bringing to the table. I think these are really valuable questions to be asking ourselves so that we then can be that person for others and set the stage and attract those who are going to also treat us similarly, and how we want to receive friendship and be related to so that inward luck we're always going to start with ourselves first and understanding who we are and working towards the best version of ourselves. Is going to be critical and being able to have and maintain the types
of friendships that you want. You are also going to have to be the friend that you want in return and that you want to be. I think next we can identify the community that we already have. That's that inventory that we already talked about, and consider how that community,
those relationships make you feel. I would go so far as to say that this could include journal prompts throughout a month or two, where after we hang out with a group or an individual, be able to take a pulse on how am I feeling after that encounter, after that hang out, that activity that we did together. Where are my thoughts at, What are some of the things that are going through my mind? How do my emotions feel even what's my body feeling like? Am I feeling tense?
Am I feeling relaxed? Is my heart rate at ease? Is it going super fast? All of these kind of check ins with ourselves can help us to identify maybe things that we wouldn't have totally noticed before, but will help us identify am I in the right type of community with my discretionary time that I'm spending apart from maybe my more obligatory relationships. Are these relationships actually helpful for me? What was the content of the conversation, What
types of activities do we do together? How does it impact This is where we can also be looking at how does it impact my money? How do I spend when I'm with these people? Or not spend. What are the types of things that we enjoy doing together? Jen, I love your story that's connected to this. At a time when you were doing your inventory of community in a way and realizing how what people wanted to do, whether it was about relationship or it was about the activity.
Yeah, I mean it was not shocking, but it was eye opening when you know you're in your early twenties and it's all about being with people doing things and I was caught up in that and that's great, But I had to identify what was my greater desire. Was it the things that I was doing or the people I was with to build relationships? And was I getting what I really wanted from the activities that I was doing?
And that's where I thought I was spending in alignment with my values, going out to brunch and going out to dinner with these people because community was so important to me. But realized that I was paying money to get a value that I didn't actually need to be paying for it. It was a value that money can't buy and there were a million other ways to achieve
that value without paying money. And once that clicked for me, then I was able to build the community that I truly wanted and saw that some people actually did want to go to the restaurants. That's what they really they really wanted. They were finding community in different ways, but they were going to the museums, to the nightclubs, to the you know, bars, and and those are the activities they really wanted to do at that season in their lives. And that's where things just started to diverge.
Yeah, and I think sometimes too groups groups in and of themselves are a bit of a living organism. If we've got a group of friends, it is possible that that group of friends morphs and shifts over the years.
And it's not until we do this inventory and we take a pulse of how it's impacting us that we realize this group might have been life giving to me five years ago, but now, with the things that are going on in different people's lives, it's kind of just become a gossip group or everything that they want to
talk about is super negative. And again I'm not saying just immediately drop them, but it's worth identifying that sometimes the community groups friendships that used to serve us and we served back can shift and take on a new type of culture. Where we might want to identify. Can we interrupt this cycle or do I maybe need to remove myself because I don't like what it's producing inside of me? Or I don't like the way that it's impacting my money, my other relationships, my thought life, you
name it. So in this process too, I think we can also be identifying what it is that we feel like we might be lack. Where are there gaps that could be filled in for us relationally? What do we want more of? What are we experiencing in relationship that we really like and we could do well to increase that type of relationship? What do you want to give? I know sometimes there's been experiences for me where I feel as though there's aspects of my personhood that don't
have an outlet. And it's not because any of my friends are doing anything wrong. It's just that, even if it's some sort of hobby like I just want to connect with other people who also are familiar with this space or want to talk about X y Z. There are things that we may have inside of us that we want to give, we want an outlet for, and so that can be another factor in identifying what community is needed. Where are you know, maybe there's outlets you
feel like you are lacking in. One of the things for Eric and I recently is realizing that we don't get out of the house much. We both work remotely, and we just got trained in a habit and routine and rhythm of being at home, especially through renovations, is you wrap up work and you start with the labor intensive work on the house, and so there isn't always a ton of reason to be out and about. I got a lot better at meal planning. But what we're
realizing is we're feeling more isolated. We're not having even opportunities to meet people, and so we are looking for things that could both be a hobby but also opportunity to meet new people. So we recently bought a pass to the local rock gym so that we can get out of the house, do something fun, and meet meet more people. So it's kind of hitting multiple things at once that is beneficial to us on a lot of
different levels. But it's things like this that we can consider incorporating in for the purpose of relationship and other benefits to our personhood.
Yeah, that's the gym where you just pick up heavy rocks and throw them right.
Oh, exactly, roll them, I throw them, jump the runs.
Yeah, those are really quality people. I think you'll build some good ones there. But so in all honesty, like the getting to know people part is the is the real issue. Right When you identify your part, you know your capabilities in relationships, when you identify who are you in relationship now? And what do you need? Like, that's where the rubber meets the road. And how do we with the limited time that we have, cultivate relationships that
are going to be beneficial for our finances. This isn't why we cultivate relationships. We cultivate them because we need them. But if you have a financial goal, it's something that you should be thinking about, whether that's paying off debt or buying a house or whatever. You should have your finances at least be a consideration when you're building relationships. And so I think for coming from an introvert, I think the best ways that I have found for building
new relationships are in groups. So for me that I am such an introvert, like, I do not pursue parents like. So one of my problems is I need to find more mom friends. Right because a good majority of my friends do not have children, and so I have been so reluctant to like build new relationships with other moms because I just don't think to talk about, like talk to moms at the park.
Right.
Travis always leaves the park with some dad's number, and I put my headphones on and listen to podcasts if I have to go to the park, So like I do really poorly if I'm on my own, so I rely on my partner, Travis, who is really good at talking to people. If you do not have a Travis, then groups, group settings, but smaller group. So if you are a person of faith having like Bible studies and house churches, that's more important in my opinion than even
like going to church on Sunday. If you are somebody who maybe wants to try something that you are moving, but you are not very athletic. I know my friend, our friend Lisa, she was very avid in the shuffle board courts here and not everybody has shuffle board courts. But she since moved to Virginia and now she's like super into the sport on the ice where you're like, what is that on the stick? Like shuffleboard on ice, So like finding silly sports right like that, they're not silly.
Oh my gosh, I could it's the Olympics are gonna come after you.
Yeah, I know there's we're never getting sponsored by the Olympics. So so finding stuff groups like that, teams like that, and finding hobbies. Uh so for me, the rock climbing thing would still be a little like individual I would have a hard time, but book clubs and yeah, so like looking at I would say there are a lot of local Instagrams that will have groups on them. I think those are getting more popular than even Facebook groups.
But there are still Facebook groups. I just I think they're becoming more obsolete, and so looking at local for me, I'm looking at mom groups that have weekly small play times, like at different parks, you know, so it's like, hey, we're all getting together and we're meeting at this park at this time. Come if you can that sort of thing where it's not rigid, you know, every week, we're doing this at this time. But that could be helpful too.
So I would say I like small group things the most because then you can kind of get in there, suss out who's there, and sit next to somebody and be like, hey, you're here. And I'm here, what's up sort of thing's less awkward than just approaching a stranger who may not be there to meet people and saying that, so that's my It is not of total solution. I'm sorry if you came here thinking like we were going to solve the issue of making relationships in your thirties.
Another thing I like about these book club and playgroup kind of things that they're free and so you're there with other people who are looking to do free things with their child or free things with their time, versus going to I'm going to throw you under the best Jill, I'm sorry, going to the rock climbing club that costs a lot of money, where people are maybe just there for fitness and not friends. But the rock climbing people are very chill and they they're all best friends. So
you don't have you don't have a problem. But it's the only idea that I can come up with my head.
That's fine. Sorry, Yeah, But I mean I think any type of gym, I think that that can be a built in thing if you're choosing to go to the gym, and especially ones that are little bit more active or partner centered, can be a fun way. But again to your point, Gen, it doesn't have to cost money, it's just more of that. Where are you lacking and even personally, is there a way that what you're looking for mentally, emotionally and physically can also meet an emotional or a
relational need as well. This conversation definitely makes me think of the podcast interview we did with Laura ol Dainy about the multiple forms of capital. We loved that conversation.
Where replaying it We have replayed it, yes, yeah, so go back into the not too distant archive for that one.
But this is where we can recognize that there is a wealth opportunity in relational capital almost as much as, or if not more so than financial capital. That yes we do need money, yes we need physical resources, and yes we need relational capital. We need community friendships, but also building relationships with our actual literal neighbors. How's that for a concept? I think we really lost a lot
of that. Like what you were mentioning Jen earlier, it does seem very foreign to ask for a couple of eggs from your neighbor. But if we do live in neighborhoods where we can be engaging and aware of one another's needs. There are so many ways that there can be reciprocity given in a very neighborly way. Doesn't mean that you have to have each other over daily for our long conversations, but having some of this relational capital
is a form of wealth. And identifying the type of relationships that you need that you can give where those outlets are can be so crucial. And then again as it intersects with finances, I think that what we choose to do together has a big impact on this. And so I think too for the relationships. You know, you talk jen about how to find the relationships that you need,
which is phenomenal. And I think there's another side, or a facet to this of what to do about the relationships that we already have, rather than needing to reinvent the wheel, if there are things that can be tweaked in those relationships or those groups. Sometimes all it takes is one person to suggest a different way of relating or a new activity for everybody to be like, oh, that'd be great. I have found this to be so true time and time again for the relationships that I have.
We all might be feeling like I really don't want to go spend twenty five bucks to go out for drinks on and tip. But I do want to get together, but nobody wants to say anything because it was the first idea that was thrown out there. So it's just what you end up doing until we can realize, Oh, I could say something. I could speak my needs. I can set an expectation. I can say what works for me and what doesn't work for me. I can offer suggestions.
I can be the one to make the plans or invite people over, or say let's start a book club together, or let's have a little bit more purpose in our time when we're together. Let's have some more in depth conversation. And here's some questions I want to ask to get
to know you a little bit better. We can be some of the change that we want to see with the friends that we already have, as we seek to understand the ways that we influence other people and become better influencers of the people who are in community as they also influence and s.
Us Yeah, well said, I mean that. It's I think again. Relationships are not about money, right, but as something that we all desperately need, we should at least speak our need and what happens when people don't respond when they say, actually, I do act we all really want to go out for drinks. I think that's the harder boundary to impose and be like, ugh, I can't swing it this time, guys, I'm so sorry. And it doesn't have to be a
no forever. It can be a no, you know, one time, or it can be a thing where it's like, you know what, I really want to spend time with these people and they really want to go spend money. So this one time, I'm going to do it. But then I'm going to work on going to these different events and joining these different social clubs and looking for people who are looking to build community in the same way I'm looking to build community who are more interested in
the people than the actual activity. Like how many people in book club actually read the whole book? You know, it's not That's not what they're there for. Honestly, they're there to drink wine with each other, you know, like once a month or every other month or something. Uh, it's not the practice that we crave. It's the community. It's the people. So finding that for yourself, that's going
to be your own mission. That's a that's a mission we got to send you on, and you got to come back to us telling us what you found, because we we are I want to say, like, we're the queens and we're sending you to the new world, and you have to report back and be like, these are the friends I found and this is how I found that, and tell the people that you can do it this way, yeah, because we're all on this journey and.
We can allow some of those relationships to eclipse others if we are finding that this is where I am experiencing my truest expression of my relational self and this one is very life giving to me. It doesn't mean that we have to hold on to every other single relationship that we've had, or that the relationship always needs to look to the same level of intimacy that it
previously had. People can move from close friends to friends, and people can move from acquaintances to close friends, and we can morph and shift because we are dynamic people.
And not every relationship you want to pursue more deeply, they will be ready to or want to pursue more deeply. So it's just like a trial and error thing until you find and your your next people, your future people.
Yeah, and it's going to change throughout life. What it's gonna constantly morphine change. And that's okay, and so can our decisions and our finances and our values. There is freedom and flexibility here.
But you know what will never change as long here, it will always be important. And wanting to go deep with you.
The bill of the week.
That's right, it's time for the best minute of your entire week. Maybe a baby was born and his name is Williams. Maybe you paid off your mortgage. Maybe your car died and you're happy to not have to pay that bill anymore. That's bills, Buffalo bills bill.
This is the bill of the week at Jenna Jail.
I am submitting my second bill of the week. The first one was about the surprise vacation that we accidentally purchased on the Gala, And today I wanted to tell you that my four year old daughter had a fan in her room and a screw fell out and.
She accidentally swallowed a screw.
So we had to go to the emergency room, where she told everyone she swallowed a screw. She then when the nurse asked her why she did it, she looked at the nurse like that was the dumbest question.
She ever heard, and said because it was in my mouth.
Then she argued with a radiologist because she said when we looked at the x ray that that wasn't the screw because the screw was blacked. She was then annoyed it was taking so long, and we left about one am. So we are just killing it over here, and I have no idea what that bill is going to look like.
Okay, bye, I have a four year old, and so every vivid detail is laying out in my mind, just her face.
Like with the nurse, and it's like, that's not it. It's black. I am, I am deceased.
This is amazing. I'm not totally sure where what the bill is.
Maybe she doesn't know what she doesn't know how much the bill for this whole Yeah, it's a bill of unknown. It's a mystery bill. But oh wow, what a what a great cost for the entertainment. Right that you can look back on it now, I'm sure at one a m it wasn't fun.
I'm so glad you called us me too, and I'm so glad that your four year old did tell you amen.
Yeah, I mean, I'm sure she was bragging about it, like I ate a screw.
I'm going to become a magician. Now, look at me. I can handle all in my mouth. That's amazing. You've got you've got bills on bills over there with some just wild life experience.
I love your life and I need to love it.
And I love that you're a part of this community speaking of relationships and community. That you're the one. You better stick around. You got this story so.
Passionate about online relationships, and this is pretty one sided. I mean, you're sharing all of your life with us and we are just laughing at it.
I'm here for it. If you all are listening and you're also here for it. You've got toddlers swallowing tools. That's amazing. If your name.
Is Bill, really amazing.
If you're a magician, if you have surprised bills, unsurprised bills, it doesn't matter as long as it's semi bill related. Visit Frugal Friends podcast dot com slash Bill. We're waiting for it, and now it's time for around.
All right, today's lightning round that Jill just wrote thirty seconds ago, and is did you just write it thirty seconds ago. Maybe I just.
Scrolled, isn't it.
Oh Goldie wrote it. I just scrolled down thirty seconds ago, so I couldn't see it until just now. That's what it was.
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
Okay, I'm still I'm still so about the I'm just the whole.
Four year old you feel seen?
Oh I feel well? I mean, I see, I see is the thing? Okay lightning around? Most important lesson you learned about relationships and finances when you entered your thirties, I mean, I think my most important lesson I have shared multiple times is that not everybody is in this in the place that you are when you're in it
is it's okay for people I know. So I'm gonna throw Travis under the bus a bit, but he all, I mean, he judges people for their purchases all the time, and and it almost angers him that people would be so blatant. He had a coworker that they they have every day he would come in and has bought something of an exorbitant amount that is just not like, not necessary to functioning. But it's not our money, and it's not They're not the same, they don't have the same goals.
They don't have the same experiences traumas drivers that have led us to choose the choices that we are making. And maybe one day they will be there, but they are not there yet, and the only thing that we can do is just say, like, you know, yeah, that's cool, bro, and then continue to like do what we're doing. And so I think that's the biggest lesson is that you can't get mad at people that you want to be
friends with. You can't get mad at them for not wanting to do the same things you want to do, which is, you know, probably not spend money or spend time working on a side business that makes you money, Like that's not everybody's path. And once you let go of that resentment or bitterness or even jealousy it can pop up as jealousy as well, you are a lot freer to choose relationships with people who do share the same values.
Yeah, recognizing there is space for everyone at different seasons and making different choices. Someone else's choices don't have to be an affront or an offense to you, and it experience life apart from that and still be in relationship.
If we choose right, we can still be in relationship with these people to the extent that doesn't continue to harbor bitterness or resentment.
Yeah, I think an important thing A thing I'll add to that this may not be your realization in it or your point in it, but I think also recognizing that our perspective is just that, like, we're not always exactly right in how we are viewing someone else's circumstances
or sometimes even our own. Like it's possible that how we're feeling about someone else's situation is more so an issue with us in our perspective, or it's just how we think, but it's not meaning that we're exactly right on it, which that's a hard one to reconcile, but it can be helpful to know that, yeah, just because this is how I think, doesn't mean that that's actually accurate or going to be most beneficial for them to
live life the exact same way I am. Anyways, For me, I would say being more direct with what I will and won't do has been helpful financially. I think I previously found myself in situations where I felt a little bit more like the victim it's a strong word, but where these things would kind of happen to me, I wouldn't have chose them otherwise, but because it's what everybody else is choosing right now, and I feel like I
can't say anything. I spent money unnecessarily or unwisely, or on things that I didn't actually care for or value, simply out of wanting to maintain relationships, like it kind of went so far that direction, and I think as I've entered into my thirties, not that I've arrived, I think that there's still more work for me to do
in this. But I've gotten better at just being vocal about what is reasonable for me as it relates to what I can and can't do with my money, how that's going to impact the activities I do and don't take part in, and setting those expectations early on, especially when it comes to group trips, letting people know ahead of time, here's what I'm willing to spend, here's what would be too far and outside of my budget for this, and so if it is going to be beyond this,
then I'm just going to say I'm out, or even when people come to visit. I've gotten a lot better at saying to people ahead of time, hey, we're going to split gas we're going to split parking, We're going to do this and that, and Okay, up to you with what decisions you're going to make, rather than after the fact, when it can feel a little bit more slimy to bring something up or say something. So setting expectations, being direct ahead of time has been so so helpful.
Yes, I love the setting expectations ahead of time. It's clearer, it's kinder, it is better all around, and it feels much better to do before any money has been spent than after. So I hope you have enjoyed this episode and have taken some tips that can help you be have more frugal friends essentially, and we love reading a review, so if this has helped you in any way, we would love and appreciate so much a review on Spotify or Apple like this one from Jewels sixty six. Fun
Quirky Banter Frugal Living. Jen and Jill's funny quirky banter about their frugal living is so enjoyable to listen to. They also give actionable advice on how to live a frugal life and have had their own debt free journeys, so you know their practical advice is worth listening to. Thanks for the laughs on my morning drive to work.
Ladies. Oh that's so kind, Jules. It sounds like you really get us. Sate that nice review. If you also are enjoying the show and haven't left us a rating or review yet, please take a minute to do that. That is one of the kindest gifts you can give to us and other people who might be looking for their people, their online community, their podcasts, to be listening to, to be sharing with other friends. So it does help us find more friends, more community. We just appreciate it.
See you next time. Google Friends is produced by Eric Siriani. Jill, I'd like to expound on tips by Jen Making Friends Edition.
Okay, what else do you want to say?
A step by step guy, I love a step by step guide. Step by step guide to making friends by Jen. Step one marry an extrovert who finds all of his friends that have wives, and you just befriend their wives.
Okay, that sounds like multiple steps, but okay.
Okay, that is now possible marriage that follms meeting Okay, okay, okay, this is to choose your own adventure. Step one B would be find a social group.
Step two is identify the mom in the group. This is four mothers. So but identify the person in the group that looks most likely to be your best friend in the group. Not in life, but in the group. So identify friend future friend. Step three, sit next to future friend casually, like you didn't identify her explicitly, just sit down like it was the only seat available or just a random seat. Step four breathe on her, see Jill. No, that's why the tips are not by Jill. See no,
you don't do that. You just make sorry.
Sorry, I'll talk so confused. Yeah, I know.
Well I'm trying to help you. Okay, you are a few months younger than me, but I feel like.
I also don't have children. I'm not on the prowl for moms right now.
Okay, Well, this can be anybody, and this is just an actual experience that I've had. I'm distilling into steps. Where are we? Step five.
Four us don't small talk.
Yeah. Step four is make small talk. Do not breathe directly on them, and examples of small talk include things that are directly in front of you, like a teacher of a class or a leader of a group. Positive comments not negative. We don't want to start the friendship on the basis of negativity. That includes, do not make fun of somebody else's kid because you don't know if it's also their kid.
Okay, wait, are we Berenstein bearsing it? Are you saying this because it's what you did do?
No? No, I didn't. I'm just I'm including common caveats that could be issues. And then okay, so step four small talk. We've covered small talk. Step five is identify their name or their child's name, because if it's a mom, you're definitely going to refer to them for a while as so and so's mom, so you don't really need to know.
Their first name doesn't matter.
But if you're not a parent, then introduce yourself and find out that person's name and say it out loud.
When then over and over again in your head.
Yeah yeah, and then get that. Then step six is to get the person's number because you're going to text them a recipe. I guess Step six would be talk about a food. Step seven would be to get their numbers so you can text them a recipe and then you have their number for further communication. But also don't
forget after you send a recipe. Also, when you're just getting their number and be like, this is my number and putting it in your phone, send your like, send them a gift, not a gift with a T, but a gift so they know that you have are funny. Then any send them the recipe. Yeah, and then now you are friends. Oh, now you're friends because you've shared recipe, you've shared gifts, you've shared common small talk on things that are around you that's unique to just you. So
now you could even have an inside joke. And now you're friends.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, you got numbers, you've had exchanges. Okay, do you have a follow up question? Okay, yes, back to step two at the identification stage. What are you looking for when this is friends by Jen? How what are you identifying? And I'm sure it's got to be some degree of physical appearance. Maybe it may be what you're hearing first.
Similar age Okay, so I look for similar age group, if it's a parent, a similar child age group. I'm not so good at the mom friending yet. But and then and then just good vibes. It's just the vibes gotta be on.
I I'm uncertain, I'm more confused.
I don't know how I can explain it to you any more clearly, David.
I just put the fall of vibes in the cheese. To be on, the ViBe's gotta be there. I'm usually looking for the most disheveled person. That's my thing, all right.
You really need a masterclass in this, Jill. You really gotta get it together.