Healthy Financial Boundaries With Family And Friends

such a beautiful word when you understand them. Yes, And we we know we need financial boundaries with family, but we don't think of it so much with friends, and so we're also going to be talking about that too. Um So, I hope everyone get something out of this episode. Even if you don't have family that is crossing those boundaries, most people do, so yeah, yeah, I think a lot of people will get a lot of things out of

this episode. But first, our sponsors. Next is saying no. Yep, you've heard this sponsor before, and they're back to remind us that no is an acceptable answer and a complete sentence. I love those recurring, committed sponsors that just keep coming at you. It's well paying and it is a necessary reminder. We need this reminder daily. Only the best, only the best sponsors on this show, So boundaries. Yeah, let's let's talk about them. Let's do it as a licensed social worker,

define a bound for us. Yeah, so really a boundary, and there's all sorts of definitions, surely, But to me, it's recognizing what is my responsibility and what is not, which sounds so simple. But and I'm not trying to say that, oh it is that simple. It is a pretty simple concept, but the reality is that there is overlap. The reason why boundaries are so tricky and we get so tripped up with them is because we do bear

influence on one another. So my actions and attitudes and behaviors, while they are my own and my responsibility, they do bear weight on other people, affect other people, impact other people, and so some of that we do have to to take ownership of that UM, be willing to apologize or be h or recognize. Yep, I did that, and maybe I'm okay with that, um, but not to cross over boundaries, either step over ourselves or step over another person to

take on what is not our responsibility. So, while it's a pretty simple concept, it can be tough to delineate those lines. And I would say it takes a lifetime to recognize where the boundary lines fall because the reality is also boundary lines are is not. They're not one static thing. Our boundaries can shift and change. Our boundaries might look different in certain relationships than others. I almost describe it like if we were to take a walk down the road and just look at the different types

of boundary lines that exist. We might see shrubs mark demarkeating boundary lines. We might see fences or gates or stone walls or no wall at all, or just a sidewalk meeting up with grass like there's all sort It's similar in our personal lives, our relationships are find our finances, there are different types of boundaries, and so part of this process as we talk about financial boundaries is recognizing

that they're different. It's not as if I just make one statement of I don't lend money to people and that's it. That's very very rigid. It might be that I don't lend money to so and so, or I don't lend money without X, y Z present, or that's just an example. But as an overarching um explanation of boundaries in general, I would say recognizing responsibility what's mine to pick up what's not mine, and how do I make sure I do not pick up what does not

belong to me. Excellent, thank you for that welcome. Yeah, that was thorough and I think a lot of people fall. I mean, it's easy to make very rigid boundaries. Um, but it's and it's healthier than not having any boundaries for sure. Um. But we want to be the best version of ourselves, so we want to learn how to have appropriate boundaries, um, and boundaries that are fluid where they need to be and rigid where they need to be. So yeah, this first article is from Holly Sharer and

it's when helping hurts how to set financial boundaries. What did you like on this one, Chill, I like what this article has to say about boundaries and resentment. Uh. And so my perspective on this is when we are determining where our boundary lines fall, resentment and bitterness are usually good indicator signs that a boundary has been, has been, or is being crossed. Where we start to perceive this inside of ourselves, usually it's an indicator of oh why

am I experiencing this? It might be because of a boundary that has yet to be discovered. Uh, is already there and I just need to perceive it a bit better. And so some of the reasons that resentment or bitterness might come in. They list out three reasons in this article.

It is expectations, manipulation, lending um. These different things that can lead to bitterness, resentment, a boundary line being crossed, and so they talk about expectations maybe that you hope that you had had or somebody else had of you, UM and and maybe being disappointed and that leading to um yeah, boundary lines being crossed, or where there might be manipulation of somebody trying to get you to do something that maybe you're not comfortable with, by using different

types of guilt tactics or relational um tactics to get you to do something to sidestep what it is that you might feel comfortable with. And another common thing that can lead us to resentment would be lending money where we're not comfortable doing that or maybe we don't have the money to lend um. Yeah. So these kind of three different categories that they list out. Certainly, I think

there's there's more than this. This is not a comprehensive list, but I think important to look at these areas um how they play a role in our lives and whether

we're perceiving boundary lines for ourselves in these areas. Yeah, I specifically like I want to touch more onto I don't like, I want to touch more on the manipulation part UM because I feel like this is a big thing in families, especially immediate family members, is that people will use UM guilt, shame, threats, triangulation, UM, blame, bribery, even lies UM two make you feel responsible for something financially, So whether that's supporting a family member or not just

lending money. But there are a lot of ways UM that you can be manipulated out of your money, and the family is trying to make you think that it's your responsibility UM for for toxic reasons UM in toxic ways. So and this is something that definitely will take some UM outside help, Like you're not going to figure this out by listening to a podcast UM. And so I'm actually very excited about our sponsor are ural sponsor today UM to help out with us, But we'll talk about

that later. So, Yeah, it's it's definitely something that you need to go through and work out to figure out. Oh my gosh, that I mean she is trying to guilt me. She is trying to shame me. He is um bribing me um or or blaming me into making me think that this financial thing is my responsibility. Well said, and I will want to highlight the fact that usually, particularly in family dynamics, there are deep rooted patterns that will not just disappear overnight. Because we've heard of this

term called boundaries. It will take lots of work and uh, personal clarity and confidence in the boundaries that you're perceiving to be able to move forward. Well, any time we set a new boundary where it has not been before, people will push against it. People will not just immediately respect boundary lines, uh, and it will often disrupt, especially

where there are established patterns um of relating previously. It's it's not going to be an easy thing to implement or even an easy thing to identify as you know the person trying to set these boundaries. So I will echo what you're saying. Gen of needing assistance in this process, preferably by a trained professional who can help be another perspective and an unbiased perspective to be able to point

some of these things out. Give you a script to be able to do this and help you with the confidence that you need to be able to stick to that thing until it becomes the new established pattern where we train people how to treat us and and there will be a train process in this UM depending on to how unhealthy the established pattern is. I mean, if we're talking about guilt, shame, threats, triangulation, lies, blame, bribery, holy smokes, that's that's not just a one man job.

If you are caught up into that vortex of things, and when it comes to money, yeah, it can get very very messy, and therapy counseling wise, counsel can be very very useful if this is the type of situation

you find yourself in. Yeah, and I think it's not just so sometimes we associate these with like negative emotions and experiences, but you can have poor financial boundaries with your family even if you associate it with UM positively, like with success and like your you know you've been successful, you have money and you're taking care of people, or even if you don't have money, you just are such a people pleaser and a UM you enjoy helping people,

and so this like brings you joy. Just because it brings you joy doesn't mean it's healthy. Um So, boundaries are even more important for you because you don't want to one day like build bitterness and resentment after nobody appreciates you for so many years and all you're doing this.

I'm not saying that will happen, but even if you feel any time that this is finding like a financial matter, that something with your money involves your finances, then you have to take a look at it and hopefully get a third party to look at what's going on. Um So, whether that is a counselor that's maybe helping you through some like family stuff. I mean, this happens a lot after you know, maybe somebody us is away and somebody has to take on a mortgage or some other kind

of loan or something. Then maybe your people are expecting you to be the one to take grandma's house because of where you're at, but like financially, that's not where you are or something like that. So it can be so many different things, and it's definitely healthy to get a third party and neutral party to look at it, whether it's counseling or whether it's you know, an attorney or whatever whatever works in the situation. Yeah, it's such a good point. It's not just about means, whether or

not I have the means. Certainly it's advisable to not be helping or financially to extreme amounts if you don't have the money to do that. So, yes, that's true.

And it is also true as even the title of this article is communicating just helping, even if you have the means to do so, has the potential of actually hurting, are causing harm, That there is a space that we can step into that is taking away from another person's autonomy or ability to learn do for themselves, right that like teach a man of fish or like just give

them a fish kind of concept. And and this is gonna sound a little bit hokey, but I do think it's an excellent illustration that, similar to this concept of of potentially hurting, where we actually think we might be helping if we were to think about I I use this illustration sometimes even in counseling, because boundaries is where a lot of the counseling does go. It is a complicated topic. It can be is to think about a butterfly. Granted,

butterflies are not actually my favorite. I get it that they're pretty, but at the end of the day, there's still an insect. But here you go. Butterflies, we all know, start from caterpillars when they are in their cook un and coming out of their cocoon preparing to be that beautiful butterfly insect. It's quite a struggle for them to

come out of their cocoon. And to the untrained, naive, maybe even potentially ignorant person could think, let me just go help like tear open that cocoon, let this butterfly like fly free, uh, sooner than what they they could have, or let's save them from the struggle. And in reality, if we were to do that, we would weaken the butterfly's muscles, they would not be able to actually fly away. It kills the butterfly to open up their cocoon uh

and not allow them to do it themselves. I think that this concept does relate sometimes into this boundaries conversation, particularly financial boundaries, that sometimes saving someone from a struggle is not actually helping them. It can actually hurt or stunt their growth, their ability to move forward, build their own skill sets, um become more independent in in this process. So even if we have the ability to come break open that cocoon. There are times when we shouldn't. This,

of course, is different for every person. It does require our own introspection, are our own look at patterns, and so that's a big if I could, you know, pull out a tip in this little conversation right now, it would be to look at patterns of is this friend or a family member constantly coming to you for money? Are they constantly forgetting their wallet? Do they constantly need reminders to reimburse you for X, Y Z? Okay, that's a good indicator sign that there needs to be a

boundary established. We're not talking about your an off friends situation where they really hit a rough patch and they're asking for some help. We're talking about really needing to establish some boundaries where we are seeing patterns of unhealth which we can identify in ourselves by looking for those indicator signs of bitterness and resentment and starting to identify. Okay,

so what do I need to do here? Or there could be our own pattern, Maybe it's not necessarily with a sick specific person, but our own pattern of why do I keep picking up the bill every time I go out to a restaurant with anybody? That might be a personal issue, then it is an issue of other individuals. And if you're walking away with resentment of why am I always the one? Why am I the one who X y Z? Why does everything always fall on me?

If you find yourself asking that question a lot or versions of that question, it's an indicator sign that probably boundaries need to come into place. Maybe you're having difficulties saying no, Maybe you are feeling your own internal sense of guilt and shame that is not being put on you by other people. A lot of different layers here, um, but ultimately, uh, to go back to my first point here of being careful to not save people from a struggle clouding it in this I'm helping, you might not be.

You might be hindering. You might be um creating a dependence that's not necessary. Yeah, but it's so hard to identify whether that is a hinderance or an actual help. And it's messy and it is going to take some I mean it might take sometimes of messing that up, um to understand it, to learn it. It's not cut and dry. It's messy. Oh my word, there are landmines

all over this thing. And that is okay, It's okay, if we walk away from a situation being like, oh that was about ju line, that was just cross and I didn't really realize that at the time, but now I do. It's what we do with those things and how we choose to move forward. Um. And and still being kind and generous along the way, but beginning to be a bit more discerning with was that kind and generous or was that maybe even hurtful but shrouded in

this generosity that's not actually a generosity. So really, yeah, just starting to ask these questions to ourselves is a great place to begin. And there's no shame in messing up in the process. Yes, absolutely. Um So then the article goes on to kind of explain how to prevent resentment. Um. One of the tips she gives is to give without expectation of getting anything in return. Um, So give freely joyfully,

not because you feel guilty or manipulated. Again, even if you are giving freely and joyfully, observe if there is a pattern to that, because you may be hindering without realizing it. Um. You know, at you at your family's expense. Yeah, and I think this is a great tip to consider every time you are you might pay for something for another person, or lend money. I would say to do it with no expectation of getting it back. If you can do it with that in mind and you feel

comfortable with that, then great, move forward. If you are like no, if I never see this money again, that will ruin relationship. Okay, don't do it. That's a good indicator sign that this probably is not the best choice for you in the situation. And it is okay to say no just because somebody asks for something. If you can't do it, whether because financial means or your own personal boundary lines being able to move forward in integrity and right relationship, then don't do it. Mm hmm, I

love this one. She says. Also, consider what they're going to do with the money aligns with your values. So if you're a disciplined spender, would it challenge you to give to somebody who spends frivolously or irresponsibly um or if this person does things that you don't agree with um you know, whether it's socially, personally, career, whatever. If it doesn't align with you our values in the way you would spend your money, then you don't have to

to give money that person. If someone's in a bind on paying their rent because they just went on a frivolous vacation and not maybe not for a luxurious vacation, uh, and now they can't pay rent. That might be a good opportunity to let that little butterfly struggle and learn from the struggle. All of our choices have consequences to them, and just rescuing somebody from uh maybe their own situation

that they found themselves in. It's possible that we are not honoring or dignifying a person by rescuing from them from a situation that could provide an excellent learning experience, even if it is really difficult. Some ways to consider helping friends or family members without hurting them, As this article continues to go on to say, is look at alternative ways to assist somebody who might be having difficulty financially.

If we are recognizing, you know what, this may not be the best time to be giving them money or paying for something. Is there another way that I can still stay invested in this relationship. One of those ways

could be to help them create a budget. If you are in a situation where you understand finances maybe a little bit better than the person that you're trying to help and volunteer to sit down with them, look at what they make, what their expenses are, help them to identify ways that they can afford life in the future. And my goodness, is that a teaching a person to fish over giving them a fish. Yeah, and so this

may not be feasible for every family member. I know I think about this one and I can't tell you how many times I offered to help my mom with her budget, but she didn't want me to know what she was making or any of that. So that may not always be an option. But bringing over a home cooked meal, I mean every once in a while that can be a help. Or dropping off some groceries. People all so don't want to feel like they are a

charity case. So figuring out how to help without giving money directly or without compromising your own finances directly um and not making them feel like charity so so difficult, so messy, but can be done. You just have to think about the person what they need, um and kind of tailor it for that. But I know home cooked

meals are definitely good. Um. You know, offering up your cousin a bag of the clothes that you're getting rid of just being like, hey, I didn't want to bring this to the thrift store before offering it to someone, would you want to look through it? Um? And they can say yeah, your name, you know, stuff like that. Yeah. And ultimately, if you don't feel good about a situation, you don't have to do it. You are not obligated

to um. Yeah, say yes to everything. As we've mentioned before, you can allow peace to guide you in this process. What does it feel unsettling? And maybe you can't quite put your finger on why this doesn't feel right, that's okay. You can press the pause button for now, identify what it is that you're experiencing inside yourself, and then decide how you want to move forward. Again, going back to the this what's my responsibility? What's not my responsibility? Again?

Pretty simple, but it can help us to have these things listed out, And I would encourage anybody to to do this process literally on a piece of paper. Have two columns that you know, one is my responsibility, what's mine, what's not mine? And and it can be as simple or as complicated as you want it to be. But the simplest forms are my choices, my actions, my behaviors, my bills, my you know, keep naming it. Okay, what's not mine? Usually it's the exact opposite of what is yours.

Other people's bills, other people's choices, other people's actions. This can be a really helpful visual when we come upon these tricky situations to come back to this list and say, Okay, where does this fall? Whose is this? And if you determine it is not your responsibility, then yes, you can just ultimately say no, or you can decide how do I want to move forward with something that's not mine

that doesn't step over somebody else's boundary lines? Is there a way I want to come alongside and assist that also doesn't cross my boundaries that I can feel comfortable with, um, some sort of middle ground, radical middle territory where I am owning me and this person is owning them selves and yet we are um interconnected in that process. Again, aspects of this are going to need some counseling assistance, UM, somebody who might be outside of a very complicated situation

to help you see and think clearly. But at least that visual can be a helpful tool to navigate some of these tricky things. Absolutely awesome. So we're going to transition a little bit. A lot of that can be taken into our next phase. But we want to talk about boundaries. Financial boundaries with friends because they're they're different because it's not so often that your friends will be

asking you questions as intimate as your family would. But there are still boundary financial boundaries that we need to set with friends that we don't always think about. So our next article is from Work Wealth Um, and it's called how to Set Better Money Boundaries, and it's by Mary Beth storgea hand. She's a certified financial planner and

the author of Work Your Wealth so Um. She's a brilliant personal in the world of personal finance, and so I love how she she kind of defines these financial frenemies. Love it. Yes, it's so real and you don't think about it until you hear it. It's great to name it. And I think a list like this can help us to see, Okay, this is what we're talking about. This is why I feel uncomfortable in these types of situations. Uh. Naming it is the first step always uh and can

help us in this process. So yeah, i'd I'd love to just go through this list of financial frenemies to help us get a better handle on what are we talking about? Where are the places we might need some greater boundaries? Yes, okay, um, I'll name the first three and then I'll let you go through the next one's but okay, So the first one is the entitled friend of me. Um. It's the person that says, can you pick up the tap just this one time? The second is the budget buster and and she or he would

say you should buy it, treat yourself. That's the funnest one. That's yeah, that's all mine. Um. I have been that friend. I have been the budget bester friend. And we've all been We've all been somebody on this list, if not multiple people on this list. Um. The third is the one upper Um, so, oh, you've got a hundred dollar gift card as a holiday gift from work. Nice. I got a ten tho dollar raised during my annual review totally unrelated. That's yeah, I don't even know if that's

a friend of me. It's good to hear these things and you can identify, like, oh no, that's me. You can stop that. Yes. Yes. The fourth on the list is the priors. They would say something like how much do you make? How much did that cost you? I've done that, like the cost, how much did that cost? The next is the green eyed monster. They would sound like this must be nice that you can afford such a big house. And the sixth is the fomo front

of me. You can spend your money just this once, usually on an experience or like something you don't want to miss out on what they're doing. So we all have these friends, and we have all been these friends, and they are people trying to You've set a boundary, You've set a financial boundary, and this person is trying to break that. So you've saved and you budgeted for your house. This friend of me is going to try

and make you feel guilty for spending that. Like you've said some things out of your budget, and your friend is going to try and be like, oh, just this wants do it or you deserve it. So being aware of what friends say, and they a lot of times are doing it like nicely, like you deserve it, like do this by by it. It's on sale, it's such a great deal. I told you about it, and they're doing it in kindness, but it is a boundary breaker, and none of this means, oh, don't hang out with

that person. And because it is our responsibility to maintain our boundaries, it is not somebody else's responsibility, we often want to put that over onto other people. Again, that's a boundary issue. To expect other people to hold and maintain your boundaries is giving over responsibility that ultimately but longs to you and so being able to know how can I respond in the situation. And again coming back to the statement of we train people how to treat us.

Of course this is barring abusive situations and relationships, but in our common everyday relationships are non abusive relationships. We train people how to treat us. And so somebody can say these things all they want, that is fine. It is up to us to identify whether or not it's okay. That's another way burn A Brown describes relations or boundaries is what's okay and what's not okay? Again, a very simple definition for something quite um complicated. Can be quite complicated.

But it's not a problem that somebody else asks, can you pick up the tab just this one time? It is a problem if that is a boundary line that you're not comfortable with, and then you do it you are crossing over your own boundary in that situation. It is okay if you are not okay with that to say, actually, no, I am comfortable paying for my food. If you can pay for your food as well, that's great that that is a workable way to cover our dinner expenses tonight,

of course in your own words. But yes, that feels uncomfortable. But my goodness, this person just asked you to pay for your for their food. So yeah, yeah, you have ownership in this situation with what your decision is. So in any of these six examples that were just given by this article, there is a way to respond that that can maintain relationship if we continue to want relationship with that person and sets our boundaries and trains people

how to treat us. Yeah, if that person is being bold and asking you to pay for their dinner, it gives you permission to be bold back and say actually, I didn't budget for this. You can always blame the budget, right, nobody's going to argue with that. Um, sorry, it's I didn't budget for this much. I only budgeted for this much. Um. We don't even have to be sorry, right, you don't have to say no, I always say sorry, even if

I'm not sorry, you know that's just me. Yeah, Or even if they asked to split the check and there's was more than you be like, oh no, I really prefer separate checks. You don't have to say why. They know why. You know why. They got the three drinks and you've got the water, so they know why. Yes, So I want to go into some strategies for supporting friends or family. They give some great ideas on here, Um,

how we can response. We don't want to just leave you with identifying boundary lines, although that is great, but what do we do? So? Again, this is a reiteration of something we've already talked about, but I think good to say again. The first tip that they give is to look at the money as a gift, not alone. So if you do end up paying for somebody's bill or giving money, to be able to give it freely, not anticipating anything in return, not anticipating that they are

going to pay you back. Um, just can I give this freely as a gift? And if the answer is yes, then great, go ahead and do it because you feel free in doing so. Yeah, or even if somebody wants you to do an activity with them that you would not have. UM. But the activity is like very important to them. View you're spending money on that as a as a gift, Like, don't hold it against them. But

also make expectations clear for the future. So it's okay if this you know to do it once, even if in hindsight you look back and that was a mistake, Like, how are you going to know unless she did it. Um, you're going with your gut and and you're doing it. But make expectations clear for the future if you know in the future you will not do that activity or spend that money again. Yes, making expectations clear verbalizing it. Don't let them think that you will do it again

or this is a recurring thing. To be unclear is to be unkind. So even if it's difficult, UH, do the difficult thing and be clear now. Also, UM, like our sponsor from this week, when in doubts, say no, yeah and then see how you feel. I will say one more thing about this article, UM that really like hit home. UM. It's the section on set better money

boundaries with yourself. UM. Because she says setting money boundaries with other can be challenging, but setting boundaries with yourself can be even more difficult because sometimes for me, I am that friend of me. I am the person saying I deserve this, um or I am the person feeling guilty about how much I spent for something I budgeted for, um or you know, saying, oh, I can do it just this once and then next month I'll be much better. It's it's I am my problem most of the time.

I am my own friend of me. Yeah. Yeah, So learn to train yourself how to treat yourself first, and then begin implementing these things with others. Yeah, great tip. Yeah, you know what else is a great tip? Gosh, it's the best tip of the week. It's the week, that's right. It's time for the best minute of your entire week. Maybe a baby was born and his name is William. Maybe you paid off your mortgage. Maybe your car died and you're happy to not have to pay that bill anymore.

Ducks built buffalo bills. Bill Clinton, this is the bill of the week, he Adron haytil. This is Ali. I wanted to tell you my favorite bill of the week, which it's part of mine of my roommates new favorite foogal activity, which is going to the park is the little duck bills on all the tiny little duck babies that we see every time we go. They're adorable and they're free to look at and they're so cute. Anyway, thanks to guys, that's my bill of the week, as

it should be. Yes, Alie, I've been waiting for somebody to give me that duck bill and up with it in such a beautiful, creative ducks little baby duck bills on your frugal walk with a friend at the park. And if so, you're like cutting down on your rent and you guys are still friends coming up with bills of the week. Yes, duck bills, baby duck bills, baby duck bills, baby buffalo bills, baby baby bills, just baby more baby at one point, that's funny. Thank you for

affirming me. Oh, if you want to submit your bill of the week, if it is any kind of baby bill, all the better. But you know, anything related to bill or bills will do. Go to Frugal Friends podcast dot com slash bill. Leave us your bill. We will be entertained, overjoyed and take it too far, talk about it and laugh about it for far too long. Thank you for humoring us. And now it's time for D. So today we're talking about our financial boundary stories. And it's not

all of them. We'll just share just your one big one that stands out, UM for me. I could I could go on and on about my family emotional financial boundaries that I experienced, but UM, I think one that might be more relevant and more helpful is UM when I was a bridesmaid. Um. One time I was a bridesmaid and I was asked to chip in for the bridle shower cost. So I I totally understand bachelorette party, like you you pay for the bride and you know you expect that to be a little bit more, But

for the bridle shower, I wasn't expecting that. I was like this, this is gonna be cheap. We're gonna be paying for some food and that's it. And so I hear from the maid of honor that my responsibility for um the bridle shower is I think it was like over a hundred dollars um and and she had like six bridesmaids. I remember it being just very outrageous. But I only paid a hundred of it. And here's why. So I had I'd set a financial boundary, but I hadn't been vocal about it. I was paying off debt

at the time. Um, we'd only been paying off debt for a few months. So we were very passionate about it. We did not make that a secret. UM. We definitely talked about how we were on a budget. We were, um, you know, doing things. I made my wedding super inexpensive, like as cheap as possible to not put a financial burden on my bridesmaids. But I only had three, um, and so without being consulted, I just get this quote unquote bill from you know, one of my best friends,

and I was super hurt. So there were two two boundaries. Both of us were in the wrong. So I didn't make my budget known. And honestly, I didn't have a budget. I just assumed that the bridle shower would be not expensive. Um, and so hers was. She didn't consult anybody on what she was doing. She did whatever she wanted and then just gave the bill for it. She had she rented out a venue, had professional catering, um, well, you know, along with all of the normal things that you do,

and just expected us all to pay for it. I found out years later. Actually I wasn't the only one upset about it, and I wasn't the only one that said somebody else said that I specifically to be upset about it. So it's not that I made It's not that I hid that we were on a budget, which made me feel a little bit better. But so that was actually a point of contention for us for a long time, and like we got through it. Um, but that was a point I put my foot down and

I was like, I will only pay this much. It's what I had budget it for. I'm sorry if that seems rude. Um, but you should have consulted me and I could have told you what my budget was and maybe you would have, um, you know, gone with something cheaper. I don't know. It's different approaches to money that we

collide with. And I think you you see how others approach their own finances when you get into shared experiences like that, I think the same can happen when you're on vacation with people together or Yeah, weddings are a perfect example, all sorts of situations where we can see people don't some some people do not think about it. They just spend whatever it takes. But then the problem is where that's expected of other people, and this is

a problem on both sides of not communicating those expectations. Ultimately, that's what it comes down to, that this person did not communicate that this is what they were going to do, and you did not have opportunity to commune ak previously prior to about that thing, or even necessarily have the forethought that this is something I could run into in

this situation. But now you know, and I am sure that in other situations where weddings have happened that now you've had this experience to speak from and say, Okay, how are we handling finances? It's uncomfortable, but it takes the guesswork out of it to say, how is bridal shower being paid for? How is bachelorrette being paid for? How is what kinds of dresses are we going for? What can we anticipate costs are going to be for all of us? And what are we comfortable with? Yeah?

It definitely. UM now I'm currently a bridesmaid right now. UM has made me cognizant of being vocal and honest and um not just like playing into just because everybody else is doing it. I have to spend money on it, stuff like that. So that's my story, just sticking to it. Yeah, I've got a couple of examples. I don't only want to talk about the areas that I crush it, so I'll start here. I will say that this is it is and continues to be a learning experience for me

of where are my boundary lines? They are different probably than yours, gen or from anybody else that I could pass on the street, and and that's okay that we're all going to have different boundaries, but we need to know where ours are. And I would say that when I was young twenties, I didn't know this concept and had a lot of faux pause as a result of this. UM. One particular thing comes to mind that I had a friend UM who was moving and you know, to be helpful,

I was like, Hey, what how can I help? I'm headed over there now, UM, what what do you need for me? And they say, oh, actually that's great. Uh, we're up to our knees, you know, moving boxes. Would you be able to pick up pizzas for everybody? And so on the fly, I did that, picked up a ton of pizzas. At the time. I was very broke, like beyond broke. UM did not have a high paying

job and had a lot of student loans. Uh. And I picked up all the pizzas expecting and anticipating that my friend who was moving would pay me for those things. But I never asked, and she no malicious intent at all or probably even thinking about it. I think she was so caught up in the move itself that I never got reimbursed for those pizzas. I probably spent close to, if not more than, a hundred dollars feeding everybody who

was helping this person move. They're moving day. Yeah, A tricky one for sure, but could have been remedied by me just speaking my needs. UM either being okay with okay, this is just a cost that I am willing to anchor, or I can't afford this and I need to actually just ask for this money. I did not. I did not. I just didn't have it in me at the time to have asked. I wish I would have, UM now and you don't even have to ask you just exactly.

But I think what I take from that is, I mean, first of all, okay, I'm not hurting from that money to this day, but it did show me I can't put that responsibility on other people. Ultimately, that's not her fault that she did not pay me. I didn't ask, I didn't speak my needs um and and I'm the one who offered, what do you need? And so maybe being a little bit more specific about what I'm able to do is in if I could have anticipated, hey,

do you need me to pick up some pizzas? And then you can just pay me when I get there, right like, even that in a simple text ahead of time could have been what would have been helpful in the moment. So anyhow, I've learned from that. My takeaway now is to communicate my expectations and my needs if possible, ahead of time. So an example of how I do this currently or how how I have done this in

more recent years. You've probably heard, if you've been listening to this podcast for a while, that Eric and I have a shared family boat with his parents. We no longer get to enjoy it because we live in Florida and the boat is still back up in pa. Anyhow, we will often have weekends where we get to take the boat out and we invite a lot of friends. There was a time when we wouldn't say anything about it.

We would just take friends out. But then come to realize, oof, we provided snacks we paid, or the gas we paid to tow the thing. Maybe there was a cost to drop the boat into the water. It easily could is about a hundred dollars when it comes to food, gas, all these things to take the boat out for a day. And there would be times where I experienced bitterness inside myself because of that. But I realized if I speak my needs ahead of time, most likely people are not

going to have a problem chipping in. So we would send out with the invite text, hey, bring your own snacks and five bucks a person to chip in for gas. Everybody was thrilled with it. We get to go out on a boat, and I was able to speak my needs and not have my own boundaries crossed. It was a fantastic compromise just because I was able to speak up for myself and communicate ahead of time. Is much easier to ask for these things ahead of time than afterwards,

like oh, hey, that was actually twenty bucks. Similar to what you're describing, Jen, that feels unfair. It's like, well, you didn't tell me that I would have probably made a different decision if you had spoken that ahead of time. You kind of chose for me that now I owe you this amount of money. So uh yeah, again, there are land mines all over this. It's okay to mess up.

But let's learn from these things. Let's speak our needs, let's communicate expectations, Let's identify where our boundary lines fall, and be kinder to ourselves and ultimately kinder to other people as a result. Absolutely, be clear and be kind. So thanks so much for listening. We want to thank you for your kind reviews on iTunes and Stitcher, like this one from Sea Why Burbs, a new tool in my tool belt just happens to be five stars. These

ladies are authentic, entertaining, and knowledgeable. They inspired me to make my first budget and feel confident on deciding on a four oh one k account. Awesome. I feel most millennials my age don't know what they're doing when it comes to money and financial planning. I will not be one of them because of this podcast. I truly appreciate that they touch on how frugality affects the environment and

topics of self care. Mm hmmm, why verbs, But we're getting such kind of genuine reviews I'm here for and you know, keep leaving them because we thank you our listeners and friends who share these episodes on social media. When you share the latest episode on Facebook or Instagram, we add you to our monthly drawing. For every five tags and reviews like the one Jen just read we get, we give away each month one copy of the Frugal Friends workbook. So one copy of the workbook for every

five tags or reviews we get. Yes, so keep leaving us reviews on iTunes or to shirt and sending screenshots to Frugal Friends podcast at gmail dot com. Um and when you tag us at Frugal Friends podcast on social we will see that. See you next week. I Frugal Friends is produced, edited and mixed by Eric Serria. Mm hmmmm, so much freedom with boundaries. I know. It's like the budget is a boundary for your money, and like boundary

boundaries are freedom for your mental headspace. So true. I feel like it's one of the reasons that I feel such a friend, deeper friendship and connection with you too, because I think with any friendship, finances are a part of it and the fact and and a difficult thing to talk about. But because you and I talk about finances weekly together, I feel like we understand each other more and are willing to get into that territory in a way that's like, not offensive and gives greater freedom

in the friendship. Yeah. Can I have five dollars? Nope? Back to our sponsor. Yeah, okay, Bye,