If you stopped for a moment and asked yourself about the unrest you feel about a mistake. What would you hear in your head? Could it be something like: "I cannot and will not take the responsibility for having made a mistake, misjudged someone, upset someone or anything else which could make me in trouble with myself." Add to that in trouble with anyone ever. The thought of responsibility feels like a loss of control, as though you are nothing. Now, this is a "feeling" not necessarily reality. B...
Jun 28, 2019•19 min
When insecurely attached to someone, you probably react to them in one of three ways (depending on your mood or day of the week): wanting to run away screaming, clinging like a piece of moss or numbing yourself so you don’t feel much of anything. This back-and-forth can make you feel crazy and out of control, like you are trying to cut an invisible cord between you and the other person. But you can’t cut it and you are stuck in struggle. Perhaps your partner says he/she will commit, but never do...
Jun 25, 2019•22 min
You may walk around with the fear of being called out or criticized. You want to be seen how you think you are, it's a lot of work to try and control what you cannot. It's as though you are constantly playing Monopoly, making it a mission to buy all the properties and negotiate for what you need. So tiring when your life is this way too. Self-protective and self-absorbed--I need to take care of me, me, me through working on my image, so I cannot be faulted. Ugh. Self-absorption—everything outsid...
Jun 21, 2019•21 min
Most insecurely attached people have an identity crisis going on that either they are aware of or completely checked out of. Many identify as introverts that are avoidants or anxious avoidants, but really they are isolationists. The clock says 5 and they are looking for the sanctity of their home. Sometimes being the isolationist lets them come out and play for a bit in a group—but do not get too close and do not bring them drama, they will run once again. On the other side of the coin are the m...
Jun 18, 2019•22 min
Some kind of advice, right? Having permission to do what it is you fear will f**k up your life is usually what will actually give you the life you want. It won’t destroy you, fear is the very element that holds us back from moving forward, moving on and making the change you want to happen. Emotional commitment is truly unmatchable. When you step outside of your head, stop asking for advice from others, you are taking steps toward f**king your life up as it feels like you are free-floating unsur...
Jun 14, 2019•20 min
In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with Andy J. Pizza, an American illustrator from Columbus, OH and creator of the multi-million-viewed Creative Prep Talk podcast series. As a child, Andy's mother abandoned two families and slipped into drug addiction. To escape from what he describes as a "curse" he began illustrating and eventually began working with his dream client, Nickelodeon. After a series of ups and downs, he eventually lost this dream oppor...
Jun 12, 2019•51 min
Anxiety isn’t the enemy—it’s just trying to do its job. It sounds the alarm when fear comes up, stepping in to take care of things. It provides a clue to your internal workings: where you lack trust, what you fear, what you don’t accept, etc. It is wrapped up with self-judgment and the fear of being seen. Trying to fix it by solving external problems won’t work. Even if the situation stops causing anxiety, that sleeping bear still lives inside you. Anxiety grows when you hate it, disown it, try ...
Jun 11, 2019•26 min
Do you think other people should bend to what you want? To satisfy your way of doing things or perform the way you want? You may have this expectation without realizing the rules you are creating: it’s too late to make plans, we can’t talk on the phone more than once/week, etc. In relationships, this usually creates pain. Rules are related to control because you don’t trust yourself to be in a flow with your partner. They also result from a lack of healthy boundaries. Needing things to be a cert...
Jun 07, 2019•26 min
**See freebie link at the bottom. “I attract avoidants” has almost become a mantra for anxious pursuers who are convinced they are only attracted to people who shun them. They believe relationships require a lot of effort, thus feeling a deeper connection to partners who reject them. If it comes easy, something must be wrong. This anxious pursuer is always focused on their partner, pushing, pulling and waiting for that “wake-up” moment that never comes. Let’s say you start dating someone who che...
Jun 04, 2019•34 min
As much as we want life to be black and white so we can keep things neat and tidy, it’s not. That is your intellect trying to run the show. Everything is a shade of grey, especially when it comes to emotions. When you put your mind in charge of your emotional state, you make fear-based choices. There is no deep connection to yourself so you rely on rules rather than trusting yourself. Emotions are esoteric; they cannot be easily described or labeled because words are a mental construct. Stop try...
May 31, 2019•19 min
Your relationship with yourself is reflected in your relationships with others. If you didn’t receive much unconditional love as a kid, you do not know what it’s like to give yourself love and attention. And if you don’t give those to yourself, others won’t be able to give them to you because you teach people how to treat you. Disregard your own feelings and other people will follow your lead. You also can’t receive what doesn’t already exist inside you, so if you’re looking for someone to fill ...
May 28, 2019•21 min
BUT WHY? You think if you can just understand what happened in your relationship, you can manage your emotions and put things back together. You won’t have to deal with loss or disappointment because you will make it work. If you can just understand why you were cheated on, broken up with, or treated badly, you can become the person he/she needs you to be. The problem with “understanding” is it is mental in nature, and a way of avoiding your emotions. Instead of sacrificing yourself to be what t...
May 24, 2019•18 min
**Freebie at the bottom. Having trouble detaching from a toxic relationship that is over because you swear he or she was your best friend? You try “no contact” and focus on yourself, which is great until you hear from them and lose all the ground you gained. You get sucked back into the hope that he or she has become the person you believed they could be, you know the best friend you imagined them to be plus more (lover, partner, et al). You hold onto fantasies and expectations about the day the...
May 21, 2019•18 min
Do you want people to act a certain way, treat you a certain way or do things the way you want them done? Do you expect them to live up to your standards of what is acceptable, or who you think they should be? The problem with expectations is they lead to disappointment. So when someone inevitably lets you down, do you blame them or nag them until you get your way? Do you threaten to leave? What is your favorite flavor of ultimatum, and how far will you go to get your way? The root of these expe...
May 17, 2019•22 min
In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with Alyssa Aubrey, Founder and Director of Medicine Horse Ranch, an experiential learning center that incorporates horses into human development. Growing up, Alyssa was the daughter of an alcoholic father and co-dependent mother. At 8 years old she remembers a fight ensuing after the police brought home her drunk father. Unable to listen, she climbed out her bedroom window and ran as fast as she could, stopping shor...
May 15, 2019•50 min
For many people, fear motivates their decision-making; particularly the fear of loss. They think choosing this way will somehow circumvent struggle, but it just entrenches them further. Coming from fear always costs more than coming from happiness, peace or love. So why do you do it? Emotional baggage creates a negative perspective from which you view your choices. You falsely believe making a decision from this fear-based state will somehow save you. It won’t. If you’re in a dysfunctional relat...
May 14, 2019•24 min
We all have stories we tell ourselves about who we are and how life should be, even if those stories are subconscious. To keep those stories alive, you expect everything outside of you to cooperate. If your story is that you’re creative, can’t sit still and need a lot of variety, you may expect your jobs and relationships to adjust to your changing whims. And when they don’t cooperate, you cling even tighter to your story and push against reality. This results in struggle: when reality doesn’t m...
May 10, 2019•21 min
Do you live your life based on rules, promises and agreements you made as a kid? Maybe you think things need to be a certain way, but you’re not sure why. Promises can influence many areas of your life without you even realizing it. It could be something as simple as why you don’t like broccoli. Maybe your dad hated it so you thought there was something wrong with it. To please your dad, you decided not to like broccoli either. Years later you still don’t eat broccoli because you think you don’t...
May 07, 2019•16 min
How do you react when someone says they have upset you? Perhaps they took something personally that you didn’t intend. Do you get defensive or accuse them of overreacting? Or do you actually listen to how they feel? When in a defensive state, all you hear is blame and shame for what you have done, believing you’re the bad guy. To prove you did nothing wrong, you invalidate them by saying they are being overly sensitive. It’s hard to take responsibility for causing pain so you want to make it the...
May 03, 2019•27 min
It’s hard to speak your true feelings. When asked, you may talk about what is happening externally: you’re stressed from work, worried about your relationship or upset about something a friend said. But those aren’t your deeper feelings; those are actually reactions. To understand what’s really going on, you have to dig beyond those surface emotions. Waiting for the situation to change or resolve itself may help temporarily, but it will resurface because you’re not getting to the root. This patt...
Apr 30, 2019•25 min
People tend to confuse feeling your feelings with ruminating. Rehashing the same story over and over is not processing your feelings—that’s ruminating. It’s a way of staying focused on stories and the meaning you give them. It’s also a way of avoiding your deeper feelings. You think you’re “processing,” but you’re really just marinating in your juices. Sitting with your feelings WITHOUT attaching stories is a different experience. When you ruminate, you need to solve a problem and often need som...
Apr 26, 2019•24 min
Do you constantly feel disrespected by your partner, friends, colleagues, etc.? Do you think they are the mean ones and you are the poor one who is made to suffer? Well, what if they were just following your lead? Everything you say or don’t say; do or don’t do teaches people how to treat you. If you say you won’t tolerate liars, why do you look the other way or make an excuse for someone lying to you? When you cross your own boundaries you give other people permission to do the same. Also, when...
Apr 23, 2019•22 min
Rules are important for safety and for functioning in society, but you probably have a laundry list of rules you aren’t even aware of; ones that don’t serve you. If you spent today noticing all the rules in your life, you may be surprised by how much they operate your existence. Rules feel safe; they provide a road map. Maybe you’re afraid if you don’t follow them, all hell will break loose and you’ll feel utterly out of control. Rules create a limited way of life because you miss out on the joy...
Apr 19, 2019•19 min
In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with author, podcaster and intimate photographer Jen Rozenbaum. After a miscarriage and life-threatening ectopic pregnancy, Jen needed to direct her energy into something creative, so she picked up a camera and taught herself photography. When a client asked for a boudoir photo, Jen really connected with it, and later learned that many women who seek out intimate photos are suffering from infertility or other issues ...
Apr 17, 2019•49 min
Do you put up with complicated relationships? “It’s Complicated” as a relationship status is a bit of a cultural joke because it rings true so often, but does it have to be that way? Is it fun to feel frustrated and misunderstood? Or put forth a lot of effort and feel the other person isn’t pulling their weight? Then why choose to have those people in your life? This isn’t just about intimate relationships; it can extend to friends and family as well. Perhaps you believe some relationships are i...
Apr 16, 2019•24 min
Do you struggle with where you are in life, wishing you were somewhere else? Maybe you think there is something wrong with where you are and you want to change it… NOW. But if you try to change without accepting where you are, you’ll stay stuck. You don’t have to like where you are, but you have to surrender to the fact that you don’t make the money you want or you aren’t in the relationship you want or you don’t have the job you want. Where you are is the result of many small decisions, so if y...
Apr 12, 2019•22 min
Feelings are messy. They cause disagreements, fights, problems, etc. You think it’s easier to just compartmentalize, ignore or numb them… but can you? Imagine for a moment that you set aside your uncomfortable feelings. Then what? If you go along to get along, will life be rosy? If you cease to have an opinion and agree with whatever anyone says, will everyone be happier? You may think it’s easier to acquiesce, but it comes at a great cost to you. When you shove your feelings aside, you disconne...
Apr 09, 2019•23 min
When people give lip service to “I’m sorry,” it loses its meaning. In fact, some people put a lot of weight on it. For the words to mean something, they need to come with ownership and self-responsibility. Prodding someone doesn’t feel good, and neither does someone wanting an apology from you that you don’t feel inclined to give. You can’t force a meaningful apology out of someone, so if you’re trying to do this, ask yourself why. This happens a lot with breakups. If you’re devastated over the ...
Apr 05, 2019•18 min
In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with Sarah Prout, co-founder of the Manifesting Academy and host of the Journey to Manifesting podcast. Sarah was the victim of domestic violence in her 20s, but it was actually her husband’s destruction of her clothes and other possessions—not his physical abuse—that led her to finally call the police. Once on her own, she and her two children lived below the poverty line. Sarah, however, found gratitude in every bl...
Apr 03, 2019•35 min
When you’re in pain, do you feel like no one cares? If you didn’t receive emotional support as a kid, you probably grew up believing your feelings didn’t matter, yet you desperately wanted them acknowledged. On the flip side, you probably go to great lengths to cater to other people’s feelings because you have learned theirs matter more than yours. Being caught in this cycle of validating other people’s pain while talking yourself out of your own is a sucky place to live. Let’s say your mom neve...
Apr 02, 2019•26 min
