Blaming others is a way of avoiding responsibility, but what if YOU are the one who is blamed? And what if you’re blamed for something you didn’t do? If you were blamed a lot as a kid by your parents, siblings, friends, etc., it is probably a trigger for you as an adult. Maybe you feel like you have a magnet inside, attracting situations where you end up as the fall guy for stuff you didn’t do. Those magnets are often negative beliefs like “I am bad,” or “I am wrong,” or “I deserve misfortune.” ...
Mar 29, 2019•20 min
You may think boundaries are set for the benefit of others, and get angry when they aren’t followed. But you probably go against your own boundaries all the time without realizing it. People take their cues from how you treat yourself, so if you’re upset about putting in extra effort despite expressing your need for help and you keep doing it, look at how you continue to pick up the slack. If your partner is constantly making plans with you at the last minute, despite you asking him/her to plan ...
Mar 26, 2019•20 min
“Are you doing what you love?” is not a simple question, nor is it a magical road without potholes. People complain all the time about being unhappy in their job or relationship, yet do nothing about it. Complaining is easy; action is very uncomfortable. If you don’t believe in yourself you may be waiting for someone to tell you that you’re good enough, or to give you permission to jump. Playing the waiting game is fear-based. Do you want to live from a place of fear or a place of love? If you d...
Mar 22, 2019•21 min
In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with Guy Finley, bestselling author of more than 45 books and founder of Life of Learning Foundation, a nonprofit Center for Spiritual Discovery. Guy wasn’t raised in an environment that encouraged his precocious existential questions like "Why are we here?" He grew up in a show business family where wealth and success confused him because the adults around him seemed so afraid and angry. At age 17 Guy received a foo...
Mar 20, 2019•58 min
People cherry pick conversations because they want to avoid the elephant in the room. If someone brings up a topic you’re trying to steer clear of, you may get defensive or change the subject. It’s classic Avoidant behavior and it often comes from wanting to project a certain façade. If you want to look like the perfect parent, for example, you probably won’t ask your kids questions that would elicit answers to the contrary, like times when you disappointed them. You fear judgment from others, b...
Mar 19, 2019•18 min
Most people don’t like confrontation, avoiding it like the plague. It’s a way of hiding out. It’s also a stressful way to live because it creates a lot of internal and external drama. You may be afraid that someone will get mad at you, judge you or even leave you. It’s easier to keep quiet than to speak up and deal with any potential consequence, right? Better to have everyone think you’re this great, easy-going person. You don’t want to be known as a pot stirrer or bad guy. Who want’s that arou...
Mar 15, 2019•16 min
Are you stuck in a state of limbo, waiting for something to change? Maybe you’re in a dysfunctional relationship, hoping your partner will make a decision for the both of you. You’re physically present, but don’t look at why you are choosing to stay while doing nothing to improve things. Let’s say you’re married and resent your spouse for not communicating, never wanting to do anything fun, etc. But you don’t leave… and you also don’t work on the relationship. You exist in this half in/half out ...
Mar 12, 2019•19 min
As a partner, friend or parent you can always share your opinion and suggest what you would do in their situation, but you can never truly force them to do something. It’s ultimately their choice. Even with the parent/child relationship where you do have some control over their actions, you can’t crawl inside their head and change what they believe. You can hope they eventually see your wisdom, but whether or not that happens is up to them. A person’s mind can only be changed if they do it thems...
Mar 08, 2019•27 min
In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with coach, speaker and creator of Her Bold Voice, Kim Boudreau Smith. Growing up Kim learned to be seen and not heard. She became a corporate “yes” woman, living her life based on how other people thought she should live it. This contributed to low self-esteem, perfectionism, excessive exercising and an anxiety disorder. Then at the age of 48, an exhausted Kim fell asleep at a stoplight in broad daylight. This “wak...
Mar 06, 2019•29 min
Have you ever gotten to the point in a relationship where you can’t stand things anymore? Maybe it’s a past relationship—or something you’re going through right now. No matter what you do or how much effort you put in, nothing changes, yet you hope your situation will improve or your partner will suddenly wake up. When you’re in an attached relationship you often have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship is supposed to be, so eventually you decide you’re done. It’s an intellectual dec...
Mar 05, 2019•24 min
Do you feel restless in some area of your life? Maybe you’re avoiding something. And instead of focusing on what you’re avoiding, you direct your attention toward some bright shiny object you believe is the answer. All your effort is put in that direction—you’ve figured it out! But as you eventually discover, it’s not the answer you thought it was. That’s because you’re solving the wrong problem, and the longer you chase this bright shiny object, the longer you avoid what’s really going on. Let’...
Mar 01, 2019•22 min
Depending on someone else for your emotional needs is a powerless position… but being a servant to someone else’s needs is just as powerless. I’m not talking about being supportive or caring, both of which are important in a healthy relationship. I’m talking about assuming the responsibility of someone else’s emotional well-being, and vice versa. The problem is that even if it makes them feel good in the moment, it won’t last because you can’t make up for what they don’t provide for themselves. ...
Feb 26, 2019•22 min
Shame is a universal emotion, but it is based on our own personal stories. Long ago you developed stories of right and wrong; good and evil. You then used those stories to direct your behavior. If you acted “wrongly” according to your story, shame likely resulted. Because shame is painful, you avoid it or blame someone else for how you feel. Shame may stop you from taking action because of anticipated failure. Everyone makes mistakes, but it’s your story about right and wrong that triggers your ...
Feb 22, 2019•18 min
Avoidants avoid—that’s what they do! And when they try to avoid pain, they remain stuck in a state of struggle (although they don’t know they’re in struggle). If you are an avoidant, your emotions are often left unbothered and undisturbed. You may go through life believing you’re happy because you have numbed the pain. But if a crisis hits and your emotions are out of control, you compartmentalize them, hoping someday you’ll feel better. You probably isolate yourself or shut down and avoid vulne...
Feb 19, 2019•21 min
Patterns are like bad habits: very hard to break. This is because they are old, usually developed in childhood as a means of emotionally adapting to situations. They are based on negative beliefs like I’m not good enough, I’m unlovable, I will never amount to anything, etc. Over time these repetitive thoughts and behaviors run on autopilot, making them even tougher to spot. Patterns are also familiar, providing a sense of safety… even if they lead to what you don’t want. Breaking a pattern means...
Feb 15, 2019•21 min
In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with entrepreneur, leader and YouTube influencer, Evan Carmichael. Evan’s darkest moment came at the ripe old age of 19. He was working his butt off at a software start-up making $300/week, frustrated by their lack of success and the same cheap bean salad lunch every day. After nine months of grinding without success, Evan called his business partner and quit. When he hung up the phone, he cried harder than he ever ...
Feb 13, 2019•46 min
I was a control freak most of my life, keeping everything tightly held. But as I have learned may times over… control is an illusion. If you aren’t happy with your situation, it’s not about the outside; it’s about the inside. Trying to control people or situations serves as a distraction from the lack you feel inside: lack of attention, value, importance, love, etc. Those feelings are painful, so you go into overdrive to prove you’re a good person worthy of love, value and attention. You need th...
Feb 12, 2019•23 min
You’ve heard there are two sides to every story. Actually, there are as many sides as there are people involved because stories are based on perspectives. When you build a case against someone, believing you are right and they are wrong, you are sticking to your story (i.e. your version of reality). It’s all subjective, however, and your story becomes an illusion. When you cling to it, possibilities are restricted because everything needs to fit into what you believe is true. Your stories color ...
Feb 08, 2019•19 min
Our idea of healthy relationships is skewed by TV shows, rom coms and even classic literature that reinforces fantasy. They highlight the highs and lows of relationships, romanticizing drama. Women, in particular, wait for their prince charming, dismissing anyone who doesn’t take their breath away or create a colony of butterflies in their stomach. This is dangerous because instead of looking for a healthy relationship, you end up chasing unhealthy. And the worst part is you don’t even realize y...
Feb 05, 2019•31 min
So many people strive for perfection to cover up feeling they’re messed up. But I have news for you: everyone is messed up! Including you. Welcome to the club, restrooms are down the hall. Your inner critic is what makes you believe you aren’t good enough, punishing yourself for your flaws. We all have fears and baggage from life. No one escapes unscathed (nope, not even that perfect little family down the street). Even if you had a healthy childhood, someone in your life disappointed you or mad...
Feb 01, 2019•27 min
