Have you ever considered getting a divorce, but the process is so foreign to you that you feel like shutting down when the thought crosses your mind? It can feel big, unfamiliar, and overwhelming. I want to help break it down for you in eight steps so you’ll have an overview of what it’s like and how to prepare. Let’s talk about picking an attorney, what the paperwork might look like, how your soon-to-be-ex might respond, what mediation looks like, and more. Divorce does not have to be scary and...
Apr 18, 2023•20 min•Ep. 219
Rhonda is here to give you all the advice on all things having to do with finances plus divorce. Money and divorce can be a tricky, scary topic, but our expert today wants to provide you with tips, tricks, and guidance on how to make the divorce process that much easier. You’ll learn about how to build credit, how to create a support team of people around you, how to be your own private investigator, and so much more in this informative episode with Rhonda Noordyk, certified divorce financial an...
Apr 11, 2023•41 min•Ep. 218
Does the Bible tell women that they need to stay with their abusive husband in the hope that her good behavior and great example will convert him? And how in the world are you supposed to respond to church leadership when they tell you that you need to submit to them? Let’s look to the Bible for answers to these tough questions (that I bet have crossed your mind once or twice!) and find out what Jesus wants for women who are being oppressed in these various ways. Key Points From This Episode: Ho...
Apr 04, 2023•28 min•Ep. 217
Have you experienced being discarded by your husband, either emotionally or physically? Yvette Stone has experienced both. Being discarded is a pain that cuts so deep, even the strongest person is not immune to it. Yvette is here to tell us about her life story, from marrying her narcissistic abuser at nineteen to thriving as a trauma-informed psychotherapist who now helps other women just like her. Just like you. Join us as she tells her incredible story of healing. Key Points From This Episode...
Mar 28, 2023•42 min•Ep. 216
Marriage intensives: What are they? Do they work? Are they worth the money? Can a marriage intensive change an abuser? I get these questions often, and I asked the same questions myself. In fact, I believed in marriage intensives so fully that I spent $7,500 just for a man to take pictures of my angry face and talk about his own practice and family for one-third of the time. (Need context? Me too, girl. Go listen to the episode!) Let’s discuss whether a marriage intensive is helpful when dealing...
Mar 21, 2023•31 min•Ep. 215
Annette Oltmans is here to help us better understand reactive abuse and reabuse. After having personal experience with an emotionally abusive husband and reabuse from her church and therapists, she is on a mission to help other women in similar situations. Let’s dive into the messiness surrounding reactive abuse, what we can do to protect ourselves from reabuse, and how we can heal. Key Points From This Episode: What reactive abuse is, what causes it, and why “reactive defense” might be a better...
Mar 14, 2023•59 min•Ep. 214
Are we unconditionally loved by God or not? How you answer that question will play a role in how you live your life. Key Points From This Episode: Why Natalie relates to our listener’s anxiety over this topic. Why Natalie thought her own mother’s treatment of her was how God must treat her, too. Spoiler alert: This was not a fair comparison. How spiritualizing everything can be detrimental to your emotional and mental well-being. Why believing that everyone else who is in “authority” over you is...
Mar 07, 2023•41 min•Ep. 213
What does showing up for your children mean once they are adults? It is selfish to “let them go,” make mistakes, and struggle as they make their own way in the world? Also, why in the world would an abuser file for divorce from his victim? Isn’t it usually the other way around? Natalie is back answering listener questions, and her insights will encourage and support you. Key Points From This Episode: Why you aren’t selfish for refusing to take responsibility for your adult children. The differen...
Feb 28, 2023•17 min•Ep. 212
Have you ever wondered what divorce would be like from the perspective of a teenager? The members in my private program, Flying Free, asked my daughter, Aimee, a ton of questions about her experience with divorce as a teenage girl. We’re here today to answer all of them: the awkward, the hilarious, and the intense. Aimee was fourteen-years-old when my ex and I separated and seventeen-years-old when we were (finally) officially divorced. She was in her teenage-prime. But she made it through to th...
Feb 21, 2023•49 min•Ep. 211
It’s not often that we get a listener question from a man, and less often that we actually answer it. But today’s question of, “Should I continue to hold out hope for my marriage after abusing my wife? Should I fight for my wife? And what, in your opinion, does that look like?” struck me as being a question that we could all benefit from, so I’m going to give you my honest answer and hopefully help all of the women in this community as well as this seemingly well-intentioned man. Let’s talk abou...
Feb 14, 2023•30 min•Ep. 210
Learn about one of the fastest growing and most effective healing modalities in the therapy world right now—and how it can change YOUR life! Internal Family Systems (IFS for short) may change the way you think about yourself, God, others, and your whole life (in a good way!) Professional therapist Jenna Riemersma and I talk about IFS, how it ties into our faith, where we can find IFS in the Bible, and why IFS can be incredibly helpful as we learn how to break free and move forward from emotional...
Feb 07, 2023•40 min•Ep. 209
There’s a lot of confusion surrounding the term “codependency.” Is codependency bad? Am I codependent? How do I know? And what can I do differently if I want to break some of my codependent habits? In this episode, I break down eighteen different codependent thoughts and beliefs that many Christian women are taught. I also explore nine codependent “rules” that abusers and abusive religious communities hold us to that create codependence in us, and then I systematically explain why they are flawe...
Jan 31, 2023•44 min•Ep. 208
Have you ever wondered what Genesis 3:16 really means? Or perhaps your abuser is accusing you of forcing him into a transactional relationship simply because you’ve set down some boundaries he doesn’t like? How do we deal with these tough questions? In this episode, Natalie answers these questions by getting into the nitty gritty of Genesis 3:16, why we can trust ourselves, how not to get hooked in our abuser’s little game, and more. Let’s get out of the guilt and shame loop together. Key Points...
Jan 17, 2023•41 min•Ep. 206
Modern Christianity tends to champion Bible worship over Christ worship, and in this episode, we are joined by Keith Giles to discuss the implications of essentially replacing Christ with the Bible. Keith is a former pastor who “left the pulpit to follow Jesus.” He is the author of notable books such as Sola Mysterium , Jesus Unbound , and Jesus Undefeated , the podcast host of Heretic Happy Hour , Apostates Anonymous , and Second Cup with Keith , and is the Founder of the Square 1 Community . H...
Jan 10, 2023•52 min•Ep. 205
Are you ready to deal with the things you’ve been avoiding and find out how to get unstuck? Joining us today on Flying Free is the incredible speaker, therapist, and author of The Science of Stuck , Britt Frank. Through Britt’s abusive relationship, substance abuse, and spiritual challenges she has learned that mental health is a commitment to reality. In this episode, we discuss why Britt wrote her book, the role of anxiety in our lives, why we have to be distinguished about our language use wh...
Jan 03, 2023•32 min•Ep. 204
The holiday season can be a very emotional time. While it’s festive and fun for many people, this time of the year isn’t necessarily a happy or carefree period for everyone. Last week, we answered some questions posed by our Flying Free community about how to get through the holidays when life feels like it’s falling apart. In fact, we received so many questions from the women in our program that we decided to make this into a two-part series. Tuning in today, you’ll receive some heartfelt advic...
Dec 20, 2022•31 min•Ep. 202
The holiday season can be bittersweet, imbued with magic and pain in equal parts. For many people, it can be a very emotional time, with all the Christmassy sounds and smells unearthing memories from the depths of their childhoods. It’s important to be kind to ourselves during this time, and in this episode, we’re tackling some of the questions posed by our Flying Free community in order to equip you to make the most of the holidays! Tune in for advice on how to honor healing and pain while maki...
Dec 13, 2022•31 min•Ep. 201
Is abuse more widespread than ever before or are we more aware of it? Are churches listening to the cries of abused women? Is anything getting better? I’m joined by advocates Sarah McDugal, Ngina Otiende, and Gretchen Baskerville, and my former podcast sidekick Rachel Harden as we celebrate the 200th Flying Free podcast episode and discuss the incredible support and awareness that’s growing in the Christian survivor community. We believe the tide is changing, and every single survivor is part of...
Dec 06, 2022•1 hr 13 min•Ep. 200
Would you play a card game with a cheater? Once maybe, right? Then, it’s a solid H-E-double-hockey-stick no. What about for a month? A year? Five years? Twenty? Would you tell your daughter to play with a cheater? Your best friend? I’m gonna guess the answer is “abso-freaking-lutely not!” So why do we think we “owe” a husband who has shown himself to be abusive any more of our precious time? In this episode, I answer listener questions: Should you give more time to an abusive husband if you “kne...
Nov 29, 2022•27 min•Ep. 199
Learning about emotional and spiritual abuse is dangerous. You start to see patterns in your marriage, your family, your friendships, your church…and your faith. You start to understand why God often doesn’t feel safe. Why you feel like a constant disappointment. A regular failure. A busted, broken, rejection-worthy woman. You were taught that God is love… And that God wants (and demands) perfection. That he loves you IN SPITE of you. That he has to look at Jesus to accept you. That negative emo...
Nov 22, 2022•44 min•Ep. 198
I'd like to introduce you to my friend Myrtle. She's a backseat driver. The kind you can't ignore. She's MY backseat driver. And yours. Myrtle thinks she's the help-iest thing ever. She’s a big reason behind many of our behavior patterns. The places and ways we're stuck. Our self-sabotage. Myrtle is the explanation for a lot of our recurrent fears. She’s loud, proud, and she never shuts up. She provides the same old thoughts that plague us, day after day, year after year. What do we do with Myrt...
Nov 15, 2022•34 min•Ep. 197
I remember thinking that if I could just hit on the right inflection in my voice maybe or the correct tone or the perfect combination of words or the right attitude — you know, one of subservience and humility so as not to trigger his fragile ego and bring down his wrath — I’d finally get through. He’d finally get it. The wall would come crumbling down. Nope. When I finally filed for divorce, he suddenly said he’d seen the light. He’s willing to go to counseling. If I don’t give him this “final”...
Nov 08, 2022•27 min•Ep. 196
“Unless you forgive and come back to me, you’re disobeying God and the Bible!” If I were your abusive husband, I’d say the same thing. Why? Cause then I’d get what I want. Woohoo! Isn’t that what the Bible is all about? Oh, begging your pardon. I was basing my opinion off how I see most church leaders and many legalistic Christians approach the Bible. Which means that if you’re looking for advice on whether you should reconcile with your abusive husband — and what reconciliation really means — y...
Nov 01, 2022•30 min•Ep. 195
“You don’t know God,” the elder leaned forward and said to me. He knew I was preparing to divorce my emotionally abusive husband. My body began to tremble. My voice shook. I realized later that he was right. His god was vindictive and cruel, like a mythological Zeus. The God I know — deeply, intimately, since I was a child — is gentle and kind and leads me away from fear and control. That was the first church meeting I ever walked out of. And the last one I ever had with those elders. It’s also ...
Oct 25, 2022•38 min•Ep. 194
If marriage is for life, then the only way out is death. Right? I’ve been asked that question, or a variation of it, many times. I used to wonder that question myself. Marriage IS for life, but not in the way you’ve been told. It’s for the sake of bringing life TO you. And when it’s destroying you instead, THERE IS A WAY OUT. But the very Bible verses written to bring protection to abused women and rebuke to abusive men have been twisted and turned on their heads…until the words “for life” are a...
Oct 18, 2022•31 min•Ep. 193
“I’m going to be ninety-two next month, and I have waited my entire life for a book like this.” A woman said this to Tiffany after she spoke to a Sunday School class about her book, “Gaslighted by God: Reconstructing a Disillusioned Faith.” Many Christians are told their doubts are a sign they haven’t prayed or fasted enough. That their spiritual frustrations are an indication they’re backsliding. That they just don’t have enough faith. Do you feel a sense of futility over ever measuring up as a...
Oct 11, 2022•41 min•Ep. 192
How do you feel about accountability? Like it, love it, want some more of it? Or maybe it’s like medicine to you — icky but necessary. Hold on to your booty, cause I’ve got an opinion on it too. I think it’s a made-up practice that got a “virtue” sticker slapped on it. I think it arrests our development into emotional adulthood. In fact, I’d say accountability does more harm than good. And it can never match the power of internal motivation for true, lasting life change. Christian accountability...
Oct 04, 2022•25 min•Ep. 191
Surprise! Abusers never want the same thing as their victims. Why should divorce be any different? Shocking! Abusers never want their “property” to start acting like a person and hightail it out of Dodge (“Dodge” being the marriage. Okay, you get it.) Spoiler alert! You get to make your own decisions because you’re a grown woman. What? Yes, it’s true. Divorce isn’t a magic toilet that flushes all your worries away. But it’s a wise, viable option for women who are being systematically destroyed b...
Sep 27, 2022•17 min•Ep. 190
Imagine a mother who stares at her baby.. She won’t smile. Won’t look it in the eye. Doesn’t react when it holds its arms out to be held. Refuses to comfort it when it cries. The baby screams and sobs. The mother won’t move. Now multiply that cruelty across each thousands of days. Switch the mother for a husband. Change the baby to a wife. Other people may throw out the “But does he hit you?” strawman (only extremes, only obvious physical, qualifiable harm counts as abuse). But that baby knows b...
Sep 20, 2022•39 min•Ep. 189
“I feel like a massive failure as a Christian and a mom. Like a puppet—and he’s pulling the strings.” Too many women finally muster up the courage to leave their abusive husbands and face an even more painful betrayal: Their exes turn their own children against them. Lying, manipulating, bribing, even using threats in order to get the kids on their side. It’s sickening. And it can feel like there’s no hope, no justice, and no way forward. If this is you—wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, n...
Sep 13, 2022•30 min•Ep. 188
