For women escaping emotionally abusive husbands, divorce often feels like a scarlet “A” on their chest. Or “D.” They wonder if they’ll be marked for life. And worse, they fear how their kids will suffer the consequences. First, because they lived in a home of chaos and pain and trauma. Second, because they’ll have to face the assumptions and judgment of other people. A “broken” family. A single-parent household. “Sinful” parents. Not “true” Christians. Bad influences. The sort of mom and kids ot...
Sep 06, 2022•34 min•Ep. 187
“I don’t think I’ll ever heal from this,” she said. “You expect harm from people who only harm you. From him. Not the ones who know you, who grew up with you, who you went to church with.” Do you know the pain of rejection by your family, friends, and church? I do. I’ve lost entire nights of sleep swimming in that pain. It’s mind-numbing. Excruciating. A listener told me that after being rejected by her church and family, she felt like she was standing on an alien ship watching her home planet b...
Aug 30, 2022•40 min•Ep. 186
As terrible as being married to an abuser is, there’s something worse. It’s getting free from your abuser, then getting remarried to another one. For a lot of survivors, that’s their worst fear. Can they trust themselves to identify red flags when they were taught to dismiss them for so long? Will they be able to see past the BS if a potential suitor is slick and smooth but a turd of a guy underneath the facade? How can they be sure they’re choosing a safe, truly good person, not a Dr. Jekyll / ...
Aug 23, 2022•30 min•Ep. 185
Bonus episode (because this is important!) With Tina Swithin' s permission, I am sharing an article she wrote on her website here about why it's imperative that we do not use the word "alienation" in our court cases. Please head over to her article, Please Stop Saying Alienation , to access the links mentioned in this podcast episode. If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com I'll send you (free!) the first ...
Aug 20, 2022•13 min
Is there poison in your home? No, I don’t mean rat poison or toxic chemicals or asbestos. It’s words. On pages. In a book. One that’s given as a wedding gift. When times are tough. When you’re desperate. When you’ve run out of ideas and options to help your marriage and somebody gives you 336 pages of “hope.” The poison is the answer ringing from every page of this book. You were, as Debi Pearl puts it, “Created to Be His Help Meet.” And lots of women have gulped it down, me included. Sounds nic...
Aug 16, 2022•44 min•Ep. 184
Life after abuse can feel like you’re just spinning your wheels. You struggle with the same things. The same thoughts. The same downward spirals. Over and over and over. Flying Free is all about breaking out of harmful cycles, in and after abusive relationships. If you want to see this in action, Amie is a poster child for life beyond abuse: healing, thriving, and constantly growing. Our discussion was so powerful, her story so incredible, the amazing freedom she’s experienced so inspiring, that...
Aug 09, 2022•50 min•Ep. 183
“I’ve got to share this with as many people as possible.” That’s what I decided when Amie showed me her thought work from Flying Higher. What the heck is “thought work”? Well, I’ll answer your question with a question. How often do you have the same thoughts? You know, the crappy ones. “Nothing will ever change. If I could just get him to see how much he’s hurting me. I have to wait for God to move; I can’t do anything about this. I need someone to come rescue me. I’m trapped. I’ll never heal.” ...
Aug 02, 2022•42 min•Ep. 182
“I would keep the peace or create peace at any cost. And a lot of the time, the cost was myself.” Amie searched for love her entire life. But all she found were unsafe people. And all she learned was that love demanded everything and gave nothing but pain in return. Despite this, Amie is a poster child for what’s possible after a life of abuse . She’s flourished in Flying Free and Flying Higher, moving from a caterpillar perspective to a butterfly perspective, from crawling to flying. How? It al...
Jul 26, 2022•44 min•Ep. 181
What do love, hate, and pain have in common? Believe it or not: Being super ticked off. Anger. I’m serious as a heart attack. Anger stems from either love, hate, or pain. Which means there are some pretty legitimate and useful reasons to be mad. As well as some that are just nasty or unhelpful. So if you’ve been taught that anger is ungodly, wrong, or always a sign of bitterness, I suggest two things: Pull out the example of Jesus crafting a homemade whip and going mad dog in the temple . He dea...
Jul 19, 2022•45 min•Ep. 180
“Don’t try and church it up.” Ever heard that piece of advice? It hits the crux of this episode right in the nethers: biblical manhood and biblical womanhood. Author Aimee Bird offered a more refined and relevant version: “Just because you put the word ‘biblical’ in front of it doesn’t make it so. It’s not an adjective.” If you’re listening to this podcast, I’d bet my milk money you've heard the terms “biblical manhood” and “biblical womanhood” 43,854 times or more, maybe in the past month alone...
Jul 12, 2022•48 min•Ep. 179
Did you know some people used to use the Bible to support slavery? They would tell slaves that it was God’s will. Want to guess who those people were? Huge surprise: slave owners. It can be terrifying to have someone throw the book—the literal Bible—at you. But you know the saying “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire?” Well, in this case, “Where there’s confusion, there’s crap.” The kind of crap people throw out when they’re desperate to keep you under their thumb. Instead of cowering in the face ...
Jul 05, 2022•40 min•Ep. 178
Do you wonder how he did it? How your abuser tricked you and blindfolded your church? How he just keeps coming out on top, despite all the evidence pointing to what a sick, twisted, evil person he is? Abuse doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It always involves the community. In this case: the church. Wade Mullen staked his Ph.D. on the study of the hidden tactics of abuse, especially spiritual abuse within religious communities. What he found were patterns of behavior. The slow and steady set-up for ab...
Jun 28, 2022•34 min•Ep. 177
“This was the big whammy… My whole life had been centered around pleasing the abusive person…trying to meet their ever-changing expectations…I really didn’t know who I was anymore.” Art therapist Jennifer Kramer practices what she paints. She’s a survivor of narcissistic abuse and now teaches an art therapy process she developed during her recovery. She discovered that the most powerful part of art-making isn’t what we create — the final drawing or painting. It’s not about making something that ...
Jun 21, 2022•38 min•Ep. 176
Abusers who leave a relationship are as rare as steak tartare. In fact, waiting for an abuser to leave is similar to waiting for them to change. Or asking for a hippopotamus for Christmas. Riding a unicorn. Losing weight on a cake-only diet. Not likely. If abusers are so unhappy with their victims, why don’t they leave first? Because staying fits within the point of abuse: to control you. And unless he’s discovered an excellent and easy alternative, you’re an endless supply for your emotional ab...
Jun 14, 2022•34 min•Ep. 175
Imagine two terminally ill children. Both are given three months to live. For one, there’s nothing doctors can do—death is certain. The disease is incurable and untreatable. For the second, there’s a life-saving treatment available. If it isn’t taken, the next three months will be a slow, excruciating crawl toward the end. If the treatment is started as soon as possible, the child will live and—what’s more—thrive. Family, friends, and church leaders of the second child gather around and declare ...
Jun 07, 2022•31 min•Ep. 174
It’s a thief. Abuse robs us of the truth about ourselves. Abuse steals our sense of safety. Abuse consumes our time and energy. And when we’re overwhelmed by all that abuse has taken from us, we can’t focus on the future or growth or discovery—the things that feed our soul and nurture our lives. So how do we find that little girl full of dreams again? How do we connect to the young woman who had stars in her eyes? Where’s the door to a sense of belonging and self and fulfillment? How do we build...
May 31, 2022•21 min•Ep. 173
The thought of contacting a lawyer made her sick. To live through her abusive marriage was hard enough. Would she have to bare all the details of her twisted reality to someone…and pay them for it? Where would she get the money for that, especially since her husband was hiding his paychecks? Is your story anything like this? I get the hesitation. The fear, the dread, and disgust. Bringing somebody else into your messy life is humiliating. But (and this is a really big but(t)), there are so many ...
May 24, 2022•43 min•Ep. 172
I have a confession. I’m a recovering asshole. Years ago, I had a friend. Her husband cheated on her. Then, he did it again. He kept cheating on her. He wasn’t sorry. Do you know what I told her to do? Stay with him. Pray and stay. Worse, I was proud to tell her this advice. Because I was God’s girl scout, and I knew best. Now, I can easily imagine the grief and further pain my words and assumptions added to her heartbreak. I thought everything was black and white. A + B = C, every time. Life wa...
May 18, 2022•30 min•Ep. 171
You’re not a toaster. No matter what you've been taught by religious leaders, you’re not a thing to be used. No matter what you’ve been told by your husband, you’re not an appliance to be owned. No matter what you’ve come to believe about yourself, you’re not property — at the mercy of a spouse who wants toast on demand. If you've found yourself tormented over how you’re treated in your marriage, especially when it comes to sex, and you waver between disgust and despairing “submission,” I have a...
May 10, 2022•22 min•Ep. 170
"He wants to treat me better. He just doesn’t know how." "He says he’s sorry. He really hates how he acts." "He’s struggling. He can’t help it." Do you have these thoughts about your husband? Have these thoughts led to anything good? More peace? Change (on his part)? Hope that lasts? A better marriage? A never-ending bucket of fried chicken? Didn’t think so. I have some other thoughts to offer. You can take them or leave them. They might seem cynical and hopeless on the surface. But I believe th...
May 03, 2022•32 min•Ep. 169
I have two presents for you. One is a regift. The other is brand-spanking, hot-off-the-waffle-press new. First, I compiled some of the best (and by “best” I mean absolute trash and worst) things people say to Christian women in abusive marriages when they seek help or divorce. Second, I’m giving you a comeback. A burn-it-to-the-ground, shred-it-to-cheddar-cheese, drop-the-mic, break-the-wrist-and-walk-away comeback for every single one . I know how hard it is to stand before people who attack yo...
Apr 26, 2022•27 min•Ep. 168
If you break abuse down to the nitty-gritty, at its heart is something called “emotional childhood.” Abusers think everybody should make their life work. Everyone should cater to their whims. Everybody is responsible for their emotions. For fixing them, moment by moment. They shouldn’t have to do anything. Like a stunted emotional child. If you’re a wife in this situation, you come to believe that you are supposed to fix your husband. You think you’re the only one who can (and that “fixing” him ...
Apr 19, 2022•38 min•Ep. 167
It’s hammer time. I’ve broken down the problems churches face when abuse victims come forward (along with how churches usually react). Then, I smash through the fallacies their hurtful behavior is constructed on. Finally, I provide the building blocks of how to respond to abuse like Jesus did, so the church can be a tool of healing instead of just…tools. Cause there’s no point in demoing a building if you don’t intend to build something better. Here’s how the real church should respond to women ...
Apr 12, 2022•30 min•Ep. 166
Is the last thing you googled, “Am I crazy?” or “Why does my husband hate me?” or the literal title of this episode? Bleh. Living in such horrible, constant confusion can make us obsessive. Not crazy obsessive. The “desperate for answers” kind. The “I’m living in purgatory and I hate it!” kind. The “Is it me even though I’m trying so hard?” kind. If you’re looking for a fixed point of reference—a way to know what’s real and true, then you’ve stumbled across something better than 6.84 million Goo...
Apr 05, 2022•23 min•Ep. 165
“How Not to Be a Meanie” doesn’t hit the same, does it? “How Not to Act Out Patriarchal Theology, AKA ‘A Chocolate-Covered Turd’” is probably too long. And Andrew Bauman wants to get the attention of men who have bought into domination and called it love, and control and called it protection. The men who feel entitled to women’s bodies and minds and service, all in the name of God. Asses. How does he tackle the problem? One donkey-sized piece at a time. This jam-packed episode includes: The unav...
Mar 29, 2022•43 min•Ep. 164
This may be controversial for some of my audience. Twenty years ago, I may have unsubscribed, not understanding what this was actually about. What IS this about? It’s about Who God is. It’s about representing Him well. That’s what Jesus did, and that is our calling, as Christians. This is about the way we view God and how our view impacts the way we live our lives. We either honor the truth about God’s character or we tell a lie about God’s character. This is about a lie I used to believe about ...
Mar 22, 2022•31 min•Ep. 163
Did you know that abuse has a bestie? Its sneaky little friend is Shame. Shame is a talkative fellow but very dependable. He hangs on your earlobes and yells: “You’re not perfect, so you can’t point out your husband’s faults.” “You yelled back, so you expect him to stop.” “You pull away emotionally, so you can’t get angry when he stonewalls.” “You hit him after he hit you, so you deserved it.” “You found comfort in someone else’s arms, so you’re just as bad as him.” “You have no right to expect ...
Mar 15, 2022•23 min•Ep. 162
Imagine a world where women are property . Where they have no rights — not even to defend themselves against abuse or to claim ownership over their minds…to declare, for instance, that they are not insane. That they shouldn’t be held prisoner in an insane asylum because they disagreed with their husband. That horrifying world you imagined? You're living in it. Of the countless women who’ve gone before you, Elizabeth Packard stands out as one who fought for the oppressed and the voiceless, for he...
Mar 08, 2022•40 min•Ep. 161
The only reason I’m where I am today — divorced from an abusive husband, healed, remarried to a good man, helping others, and thriving — is because of one simple tool. I share it in Flying Free and Flying Higher , my online coaching, education, and support communities that are worth their weight in fat-melting chocolate (please science, make this real). Today, I'm sharing the best thing I have. You get a free, front-row seat to this show. Prepare yourself. Cause I absolutely stake my secret pie ...
Mar 01, 2022•40 min•Ep. 160
It’s a beautiful sight, isn’t it? A grown man throwing a tantrum. Stomping around, calling you names, slamming doors. Hits you right in the feels, eh? Or maybe he’s the quiet type of mean. Stonewalling. Sleeping for days. Leaving for hours without warning. However a husband’s jerky behavior manifests, most Christian wives are taught to respond the same ways: Assume you’re the problem. Feel shame. Assume you have to endure his behavior. Feel despair. Assume you have to make his life work. Feel re...
Feb 22, 2022•28 min•Ep. 159
