Welcome back for part 2 of the amazing Frankenstein, or: a pale nerd who sucks, has sucked, and will continue to suck. In this penultimate part of the series, we hear the story of The Creature's early life and the family he watched do literally everything for like two years without them knowing. Bekah has to exorcise her cat. Rachel doesn't know the difference between colonoscopies and prostate exams, she just knows something goes up a butt. Jackie had many, many chances to read this book. Nikit...
Mar 13, 2025•1 hr 28 min•Season 6Ep. 151
Amidst a long, dark winter, which only now may be loosening its icy grip, we emerge from the shadows to bring you part 1 of 3 of Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley's 'Frankenstein, or: The Modern Prometheus'. We meet Victor, his family (only one of whom does he have romantic inclinations toward - can we say woke king?), and his best friend, the Clerv. Join us to learn just what can go wrong when you spend all your formative years reading the 1800s equivalent of Dianetics, skip 90% of your chemistry cla...
Feb 27, 2025•1 hr 37 min•Season 6Ep. 150
It's finally here! As you may know, our King, Queen, and Nonbinary Royalty Patrons reserve the right to force us to read and review any book at all, except for Of Mice and Men, which Rachel has vetoed because it is too sad. Queen Patron Cara requested, nay, demanded, we read the erotic fantasy novella Corn Daddy, by Helena Woodcock. And it was... surprisingly a good time. And not at all surprisingly, completely filthy. The first tantalizing moments are free for all. If you want to hear the whole...
Jan 16, 2025•11 min•Season 5Ep. 149
As autumn turns to winter, we turn at last to that classic wintry tale: Frankenstein, by Mary Shelley. You may recall a little bit about her life story from our Percy Shelley episode, but this one is all about her! Join us as we learn about this weird little freaky genius lady, and go on a journey through the life of the woman who gave us perhaps the best known horror book of all time. Nikita is the ghost host. Rachel gets trapped on an Italian witch mountain. Jackie forms her own volunteer fire...
Dec 19, 2024•1 hr 50 min•Season 5Ep. 148
At long last, follow your fearless crew down into the depths of our nitre-covered bone dungeon for a taste of something delightful! The Cask of Amontillado is one of ol' EAP's most famous short stories, and boy does it have something for everyone. Rachel attempts to lure Jackie to her doom using rare Kermits. Bekah can't imagine having beef with Fortunato, who is a silly little guy we all love. Jackie learns something about cat anatomy courtesy of Hunter, the village idiot. Topics include: a mys...
Nov 14, 2024•1 hr 1 min•Season 5Ep. 147
We're back with the second half of our over-the-top bio of EAP! Listen in for the story of Edgar's adulthood, complete with choleric escapades, omens from outer space, a cringeworthy misplaced accusation of plagiarism, a new love (now 100% child-free!) and a mysterious death followed by a funeral shorter than the song "Get Ur Freak On" by Missy Elliott. Rachel threatens to share a deadly Dorito. Bekah didn't used to eat her vegetables, but she does now. Jackie is terrified she will one day disco...
Sep 26, 2024•1 hr 13 min•Season 5Ep. 146
Grab your raven, tuck your buddy’s heart under a floorboard, pour yourself a glass of Amontillado, and join us as we talk about the first half-ish of the life of Edgar Allan Poe, a man who didn’t ask to be born. It’s time to start warming up for spooky season 2025, and what better way than learning about one of America’s original Goths? Jackie goes overboard again, Bekah mixes up professions with nouns in general (concerning for a future dentist), and Rachel makes the only good joke about slaver...
Sep 12, 2024•1 hr 41 min•Season 5Ep. 145
(Happy Thursday! That’s right, it’s Thursday. Don’t check.) Wow! A podcast! That’s the feeling you should get from this episode. Y’all… those crazy Athenian kids are still stuck in the dang woods. Will Puck, Oberon, and Titania continue messing with the humans and each other? Will Bottom regain his human form? Will the love triangles ever get resolved?! Knowing Shakespeare, the answer is yes, but let’s find out together. Bekah plugs the mini fridge back in; Jackie does an amazing impression of D...
Aug 23, 2024•1 hr 8 min•Season 4Ep. 144
We’re back, with Shakespeare’s comedy classic, A Midsummer Night’s Dream! Basically, four young Athenians with romance problems wander into the woods and get messed with by a bunch of fairies - you know the drill. It’s a good time, you’ll love it. (Fun fact: Jackie once acted in this play! Ten imaginary points if you guess as which character.) Jackie pulls a classic “Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka”; Rachel is dark and average; Bekah brags about her leviathan-like speed Topics include: Fakespeare aga...
Aug 08, 2024•1 hr 22 min•Season 4Ep. 143
This is a preview for our special Patreon bonus in which Rachel, Bekah, and returning guest Jess Owens (@saidbyjess) get together and talk tropes, baby. Which ones win? Which ones lose? Which ones have you never ever heard of before and maybe wish you could forget? We've got the deets. Join us on patreon.com/firethecanon to access full bonus episodes, get a shoutout, a sticker, and more! Also, follow Jess @saidbyjess on instagram, twitter (X or whatever?) and the like. She's funny! ★ Support thi...
Jul 25, 2024•16 min•Season 4Ep. 142
Well, well, well! We're back after a long hiatus in the middle of a pretty short book due to vacations of various sorts. For example, Jackie took a vacation to Italy (listen for an amazing story of being a dumb American), AND a vacation from being healthy by immediately getting Covid upon her return! But now we're all healthy and thriving, and Mrs. Dalloway's FTC arc is complete. Like life itself, this episode in turns both gross and beautiful! Tune in to find out if the second half of the book ...
Jun 27, 2024•2 hr 1 min•Season 4Ep. 141
Please join us as we read the first half of Virginia Woolf’s modernist masterpiece, Mrs. Dalloway! Taking place on a single day in mid-June 1923, the book takes us in and out of the minds of our two main characters, society housewife Clarissa Dalloway (who is throwing a party), and World War One veteran Septimus Warren Smith (who is having some extremely concerning psychological issues), as well as basically everyone around them. It’s extremely good! Jackie regrets becoming a slug; Rachel tells ...
May 23, 2024•1 hr 48 min•Season 4Ep. 140
Join us as we delve into the life of Virginia Woolf, a woman who was many things, chiefly among them a writer! Despite Jackie promising to make this the most depressing author bio episode of all time, Rachel and Bekah refuse to let it happen. There's a lot of laughter, but also some almost-tears, and some hard topics, but it's worth it. Rachel reveals the third, heretofore unknown Charlie and the Chocolate Factory sequel. Bekah thinks Modernism was a mistake. Jackie horrifies the others with her...
May 02, 2024•1 hr 17 min•Season 4Ep. 139
Stop! We see your eyeballs getting ready to dart away to something more fun. Dart 'em back here. This is the most fun you'll have hearing about race and racism since... ever, maybe! We know the bar is low, but still. Listen along to the original opening to our first Charlie and the Chocolate Factory episode, which immediately derailed into racial topics thanks to Ol' Roodle Doodle's antics, and then was cut out and made into its own episode. Jackie says something the other two consider truly wil...
Apr 18, 2024•7 min•Season 4Ep. 138
The gang finishes out the tale of ol' C-Bucks and the maniacal chocolate man in spectacular fashion - late, but not that late! Thanks for the endless patience of our many adoring fans. We would never turn you into marshmallows, even if that tube DID go to the marshmallow room. Jackie fucks up her audio, but doesn't know it yet (don't worry, she fixes it in post). Rachel flexes secret first-edition knowledge. Bekah is really good at pogo sticking. Topics include: dating as a one-inch tall woman, ...
Apr 13, 2024•1 hr 17 min•Season 4Ep. 137
Quick! What has 14 legs, one bed, and half a potato? Why, the Bucket family, of course! Join the gang as we cover the first half of Roodle Doodle's classic, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. You all know how the story goes, but you haven't heard it told by us. Rachel doxxes herself. Bekah learns about the Wonka-related scandal of the year. Jackie has never even once thought about smothering grandma Josephine with a pillow. Topics include: freakish fertility, doppelgängers, girlfriends who are w...
Mar 28, 2024•1 hr 8 min•Season 4Ep. 136
She's back! University of Chicago professor, historian, and award-winning novelist Ada Palmer joins Rachel and Jackie for a conversation about the life and times of Niccolo Machiavelli, a fascinating guy who lived through fascinating times. Learn all about how his name gets an undeservedly bad rap, the trials and tribulations that led to the writing of The Prince, and why the Renaissance was a terrible time to live through but which ultimately gave us everything important in the modern world. Ch...
Mar 14, 2024•1 hr 38 min•Season 4Ep. 135
Happy March, everyone! For our Patreon bonus, we thought we'd try something new: The Reading Corner! Jackie and Rachel have a friendly chit chat about whatever books we're currently reading. Maybe it will become a recurring feature? It all depends on what you like, and what Jackie likes. It doesn't matter at all what Rachel likes. For the full episode and all our other bonuses, go to patreon.com/firethecanon and join the fam! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★...
Mar 07, 2024•8 min•Season 4Ep. 134
The patrons battled it out in honor of the upcoming Ides of March, and in the struggle between The Art of War and The Prince, let's just say The Art of War got Caesar'd. It's like getting Punk'd, but instead of meeting Ashton Kutcher you die and get a salad named after you. Win/win? Buckle up as the gang guides you through the world's second most practical guide on waging war and maintaining power. Rachel says "here's the problem" roughly 80 times. Bekah really wants somebody to be gay. Jackie g...
Feb 29, 2024•1 hr 22 min•Season 4Ep. 133
In preparation for our upcoming Charlie and the Chocolate Factory miniseries, we got the gang together to learn about the absolutely absurd life of Roald Dahl. Best-known for his children’s books, Dahl also wrote some very weird, pervy adult stories. Before he became a writer, he worked for an oil company in Africa (yes…… we know.), flew warplanes in World War 2, and committed extensive espionage. Curious about the kind of mind that could produce the BFG, Matilda, and James and the Giant Peach? ...
Feb 15, 2024•1 hr 35 min•Season 4Ep. 132
Don’t say we never put our stellar reputations on the line for you! Joining us this week is our friend Jacob Waller (find him on YouTube as Big Yellow Praxis), who has recently fallen down the rabbit hole of a (potentially correct???) anti-Stratfordian theory (notably NOT a conspiracy theory). Jacob lays out the case for, conservatively, a HUGE AMOUNT of Shakespeare’s work being borrowed from or straight up written by his contemporary, Sir Thomas North. Many thanks to Dennis McCarthy for his yea...
Feb 01, 2024•1 hr 37 min•Season 4Ep. 131
Ahoy for the last time, me hearties! In this episode we cover Moby Dick from chapter 102 until the bitter, watery end. Ishmael finally reveals why Captain Ahab is so obsessed with Moby Dick, we finally discover the fate of pretty much the entire crew of the Pequod, and Moby Dick finally deigns to grace the page. Jackie does her Bob Dylan impression against our will. Rachel solves a fabulous mystery. Bekah trudges up and down a mountain. Topics include: free range Beastie Boys, Mario Mario and Lu...
Jan 18, 2024•1 hr 47 min•Season 3Ep. 130
This week, we're sharing part 2 of Jackie and Bekah reading one-star reviews of their favorite books to each other. Jackie comes at Bekah with the harshest criticisms of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice available on Goodreads. To hear the full episode, join our Patreon! Patreon.com/firethecanon. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★
Jan 11, 2024•13 min•Season 3Ep. 129
This week, we're joined by a very special guest: Nikita! Jackie handpicked her to co-host this episode because Nikita is funny, despite not being a man. We read and discussed the fourth of Charles Dickens' five Christmas Books so you don't have to, and you can go ahead and thank us for that. Rachel's mom tells her she doesn't deserve any presents. Jackie discovers God is real. Nikita informs her husband that under no circumstances is he to continue living after her death. Topics include: La Femm...
Dec 21, 2023•1 hr 38 min•Season 3Ep. 128
In the spirit of the holidays, which some call the holiday spirit, this week we're re-releasing an old favorite from 2021: Agatha Christie's "Hercule Poirot's Christmas". Rejoin the original gang for a hilarious journey through a Christmas mystery (Christery). If you're anything like Jackie, the mystery will seem as fresh and new as it did two years ago, because you'll totally have forgotten what even happened and who did it. But oh, is it satisfying. We'll have a fresh-baked holiday episode bra...
Dec 14, 2023•1 hr 21 min•Season 3Ep. 127
Ahoy! Welcome back to the podcast. In this episode, we cover chapters 71-101 of Moby Dick, and we come away with less whale knowledge than we started. Ishmael and Queequeg are wedded (again), a whale gets killed, ominous doings are done, etc., etc. Jackie is wrongfully accused of a crime, and rightfully admits to a crime. Rachel is wrongfully accused of being a frequent flier. Bekah took out people’s teeth with no pain meds. Jacob would like you to know that that is NOT him, it is a British robo...
Nov 30, 2023•1 hr 44 min•Season 3Ep. 126
We're back with another rousing look into the sleeping mind of Stephen, who really wants to know if you'd rather hold someone, or someone holds you, in bed, and there's another figure as well. Rachel wants to know if people like these episodes, so please tell us if you do, and say nothing if you don't. Join our Patreon to hear the full episode and other bonuses as well! www.patreon.com/firethecanon ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★...
Nov 23, 2023•8 min•Season 3Ep. 125
Ahoy, y’all! We’re back and we’re covering chapters 46 through 70 of Moby Dick. Sorry we were gone so long; Jackie was planning her annual Halloween party (that’s why we were gone, not Rachel’s wedding or bar exam study). In this part, Ishmael tells us the only good thing about Tahiti, and the Pequod boys finally have an interaction with a whale (spoiler alert - we don’t like it). Jackie introduces her new mini series: Things That Make Me Cry Now That I’m Not Taking Anxiety Meds. Rachel enjoys a...
Nov 16, 2023•1 hr 31 min•Season 3Ep. 124
Happy Monday! Are we late from last week, or early this week? Who knows. Look, we aren't JUST telling you what happens in chapters 26 through 45 of Moby Dick this week. We're also inviting you to a party that is DEFINITELY NOT A WEIRD SEX THING, explaining how to make bathtub crank, and telling you which apartments don't have glory holes in them. We thank you for your patience during the gap between this episode and the last, by the way - as Rachel's wedding nears, and Jackie is felled by the pl...
Sep 11, 2023•1 hr 32 min•Season 3Ep. 123
We're back with the first episode of our series on the incomparable, the amazing, the VERY VERY LONG classic novel Moby Dick! Experience Herman Melville's classic boy-meets-whale tale as neither you nor anyone else has ever experienced it before. Rachel finally has some technical difficulties. Bekah tries a new dental procedure she just learned about this morning. Jackie misunderstands a sermon. Topics include: Crunch 'n Munch, sister fights, good Quaker bad Quaker, ghost sailors, the multiple m...
Aug 17, 2023•1 hr 34 min•Season 3Ep. 122
