Today's episode is brought to you by Rodger Brooks and his team is Strategic Investment Management. As an Austin based fiduciary financial advisory firm, Rodger and his team bring decades of experience and empathy to help people regain financial control through life's ups and downs so you can move forward with confidence. You found us. I'm so glad you did, but I am sorry that you had to. Who are we?
I'll tell you what, we're not. We're not old, we're not boring, and we're not giving up. We're four mothers, all living in Austin, introduced to each other because we all share a similar tragedy. Our husbands died unexpectedly and in the prime of their lives. So come on into our widow circle, where trauma meets humor and we remind you that you can not only survive, but thrive. This is every widow thing. Welcome everyone. We are every widow thing.
We have been taking a break, but we are back back. But we're doing widow confessions today and we put out on our social media a request for anyone who wanted to share something that maybe they're embarrassed to share or feel uncomfortable or feel guilty letting people know. And I feel like these confessions can help other widows who are possibly dealing with the same situation. But no one talks about it, right? So we got your confessions and maybe one of one or two of our
own. And I put them in this lovely vase. And what I thought we would do is just each one of us would just draw one out and we'll read it and then we can discuss or move on to the next one. Depending on the. Whatever the content is that there's no right or wrong way to grieve. Weird shit happens, and you're not alone in it. We're drinking wine and we are drinking wine. Yeah, we can't wait to read the weird stuff. Y'all do? It's to celebrate. I can't wait to hear the weird. Like weird.
Yeah, we we're celebrating coming back. We've taken a break to be with our families, but we are back and we are excited to get this show going first. So he wants to go first. Holly. Go Holly. All right. OK, for weeks after my husband died, I went through his phone and all his emails looking for bad stuff. There was part of me that wanted to find something terrible. He was a great man, but I kept thinking maybe I would find something. I think I wanted to be angry
instead of sad. I get that actually. I did go through his emails, you know, out of curiosity, not necessarily because I thought there was something to find, but second family I right. Right, I did the same thing but. But I get that I. Understand. Maybe I should be more worried I didn't have access to my husband's. Even in death. No, what happened was we were we were going to get one password
when he died. We were getting all of that changed over because we were moving the upstairs office to downstairs. So it was all really a big fat mess. And so it took a neighbor to help me to get into a lot of the other things. But it was a work computer, so they. Took it. Yeah, they took it. So I didn't. I never did. Get to no hit. Oh, wow. So I was kind of wishing I had, but I did always kind of think about, I wonder if there was somebody out there, even though
I really knew it was. Working or because. He emailed you from his work like he you had personal emails with him right from work. Not law. He was only at his new job for a month though, so it went long. What about his phone? Did you go through his phone? I. Didn't have the passcode to that either. What? But eventually you get the passcode. How? Well, you call Apple or whatever you. Can't do that well.
And I mean, you have to go in mind, this was 13 years ago and you don't have that never got access. No. So any pictures that he had on his phone or? Everything, fortunately, was all on the computer, so all of it was it. Was like kind of the beginning ours. Was connected yes, 13 years ago, long time I. Never saw Frank's phone again. Yeah, obviously we were in a fiery crowd. Oh, and then it was weeks before you were really even coherent. Right.
I remember there was a lot of commotion around passwords, and I mean, I can still get into his e-mail now, but it was a lot of work stuff, to be honest. I mean, yeah, it was a lot of work stuff. Yeah. I didn't find anything juicy as you. Yeah. And I love what they said about what was that last part I I think I wanted to be angry instead of sad. Yeah, the emotional exchange that she was looking for. Right I I understand that, especially in the grief brain early on.
Yeah, trying to find some kind of flaw. Yeah, to to deflect from the real pain. Yeah, and the reality of losing the the person that, you know, she knew he was exactly an amazing person who didn't. Yeah, to to then. Skeletons. Right, to maybe find like, oh wait, he wasn't everything that I thought so good. Glad he's gone. Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you for sharing that, whoever it was. I didn't put names on there. For obvious reasons.
Right. But I mean even I thought about even putting the first name and then I was like for obvious. Especially if it's a different kind of name that. Would OK widow confessions When my husband died our daughter was 6. She was our only child and a daddy's girl. My grief manifested into anger. Oh both anger things. My grief manifested into anger towards her. I was supposed to be consoling her, protecting her, but instead I found myself angry that she
was here and he wasn't. Oh well, I didn't want to raise her without him. He was the natural parent. I had to work at it. The shame I felt for feeling that way was almost worse than the grief of losing my husband. I no longer feel this way towards my daughter but cannot seem to forgive myself for not being there for her when she needed me the most. God had to be really tough to to write. Thank you for that.
Yeah, that's hard. I appreciate the honesty because I think that everybody, I mean, that's the reason why grief's so messy and I'm no maid because it, there is no, nobody does it the same and none of it's really right or wrong. It just is. And so I'm learning to like accept that when you're having that feeling, just ride through it. And and that's that's tough
though. I wonder if maybe it's not that she didn't want her daughter to be here necessarily, it was just that she wanted her husband here to help her be a parent because she didn't feel confident. In. In her. Parents, is she like kind of jealous that the husband had? A daddy's girl. Or a relationship maybe. I mean, honestly, I mean, it's completely different because I'm was grown when my dad died.
But there was a time when my mom like had a bit, she expressed sorry, mom, a bit of jealousy because I was, I was a daddy's girl. And yeah, it's not the same at all. But that it is kind of the same, I mean all. Of these feelings too, yeah, They're not rational feelings, they just are. Yeah, but they're, but they're valid because they're there. I I feel like to, you know, a lot of people, they end up having a family and having kids because maybe they see that in
their partner, right? That their partner is going to be a great parent and maybe they're not so inclined or it's harder for them. But, you know, and then the father and the daughter had this amazing connection. And then, yeah, I mean, I could totally get the resentment there. You're just like, Oh my gosh, I didn't sign up for this, right. To do this by myself.
Yeah. The good news, though, to that person who wrote in is when kids are little, I mean, I definitely yelled at my kids more than I needed to after my husband died because I had nowhere to go with my anger. And I think, you know, you can make up for it. You can, you know, realize that like you have to get a control of yourself and you can make up for it in the later years, especially in the teenage years when they really. Need you. That's when I blew up.
That's when I blew up is in the teenage years. I mean I literally got in one kids face and was like like screaming. And it was really more about the frustration of why am I here by myself dealing with this? This is something that the dad should be dealing with. Well, I think they need to know we're human too. I mean, right. I said that the other night. He was like, you know, because I was being hard on myself for how I was feeling about some other family stuff.
That's hard. And he was like, but you're human, mom. That's just part of it. You're right. I appreciate that this person wrote in and was so real, because that's a hard thing. Yeah, that's. A hard one. And and that's what she's saying is she's struggling now with the guilt of ever having any of those feelings at all. All right, Kira. Oh OK. My confession is that I don't want to acknowledge my husband's
death day. People are kind and want to say they are thinking about me, but I would like to get through the day not even realizing that it was the day he died. Instead I spend the day thanking people for reminding me I hate it. I can totally relate to this one. The first year. I'm think I've mentioned this in other episodes, but the very first year, first year anniversary after Frank's death of the day of the accident landed on Father's Day.
So it was literally like the anniversary of the death Father's Day, June 21st that year. And it was awful. And I remember every year since I made a conscious decision to really celebrate his birthday, which is just a few weeks before his birthday is June 11th. So that's when the kids and I kind of think about him, talk about him, celebrate him on his birthday. And then the 21st is just kind of a day that we get through. It's really not something that we try that I try to emphasize.
No, I know I. So I can totally relate to this. Person and you were like it's just another day. That's the hard part, right? And maybe as widows, or for me anyway, I need to be clear with my friends and family what I would like because like with you, Kira, I, I didn't want to not acknowledge because I didn't want you to think that nobody was supporting you. But at the same time, you're also like, shit, you know who wants about it? I'm not angry with the, I understand that.
Listen, I'm part of pulling, but I'm not angry with the people that acknowledge. I mean, people were acknowledged. No, it's so. Fortunately, I was on a beach. I didn't have a lot of reception, so I was kind of like. Yeah, I got a cute peek at your toes. People are reaching out, but I'm on the beach so I can't really isn't right now. I'm too busy.
But no, I I'm not as like, but I get this person for sure I. Like hearing, I mean, I do not want to acknowledge the day, but I'm, I like hearing from people because I'm I'm thinking about it. I don't mind if people do. I kind of wish people didn't think 13 years later that I'm still just living my best life. Yeah, and I. It's interesting, like you kind of want things and I've been going through some stuff this week with. Really. Would you care to confess?
Well, I did that interview with that and that brought a lot of stuff up. And I don't know, it's just interesting. You think like, wow, it's been this long and I don't know, things come up. OK, my confession. Yeah, let's. This isn't that juicy though. They don't have to be juicy, they just have to be honest. They. Just have to be real. Well, I found it interesting because I had an interview with the woman from Texas Tech that's doing like Texas Tech now. Like what are people doing now?
I. Because you guys both went to Texas Tech, I'm just reminding our viewers together and that's when we met. We met at Texas Tech in design school and so I googled setup design company and I realized I closed it all down. I guess I didn't really 100% realize it. And I was like, oh, it's gone. Then I found his obituary and then I was like, like spiraling down and I Scroll down and I'm reading all these comments from people. OK, this is my confession.
It's been over seven years and I never read any of the comments people put on the I guess it's. On the online. Legacy game. And I was like, Oh my God, this is so nice. I mean, and I just like it was heavy. It was really heavy. And a lot of, a lot of, I mean, some family member, like extended family members that I don't really talk to. I'm like, oh, they were thinking of me, right? Right. And a lot of Toby's colleagues that I was like, oh, that's so nice.
There's so much you miss in the fog, especially if it's sudden death, like all of us were sudden death. So, you know, I sometimes if I'm, I watched a video one time of the funeral one time and it took almost 11 years to do it. And I saw people there that was, I didn't even know they were there. Like that was weird. And then the pumpkin patch and all, I saw them all coming out of that. So that kind of made me laugh a
little bit. But I think it's a weird feeling because it kind of the some of the people I was most mad at, they were there. I was like. OK, well I know. And I kind of so I have one person. I was like, Oh my God, I just thought they never thought of me. And they wrote this really nice message on there. But note to listeners like don't like just write on the Funeral Home website because right? Yeah, send a note or something because you're not getting on that website.
No, I mean seven years later I did. Right. But do you guys ever this is this is a confession for me, I guess I will because Facebook will give you the memories, right? And so around when Hunter died, I posted something on Facebook letting everybody know. And I will go and read every comment every year. I will go through it sometimes twice. Like I will read it all once and then I'll go around and read it all. Again, I don't think there's anything wrong with.
That I don't remember you're. What, seven years in? Yeah, it'll be 7 in October. Thing in there, but I still see some of the old stuff and I don't know, I can't go there. I do have a funny one. Y'all want to hear about you because it just based off that what you said earlier. So the legacy y'all know about this? But the legacy thing was funny because I did look at it and flat and one of the guys on there I was like, oh he's so
annoying. I work for him at Vignette, and then I go out with him years later. Yeah, I'm talking about Yeah, he's. So annoying. And I thought he was adorable then. Well, it was and I won't get the quote right, but when we had JJ Elliott on and she was talking about her book, there are no rules for this. The the the friend of the mother who died by suicide was talking to that woman's daughter and saying, I can't bring your mom back, but I can tell you about her and I can share stories.
I'm getting chills right now that that bring that person back to you. You know, so our our guys aren't going to be brought back to life, but these stories that people share are so such a gift because it does bring them back to life for a moment. So. That's why I hate when people stop talking about them because people think as because you're pretty far into when you're 10 years, 13. People don't bring them up anymore. And so many parts of my life don't even know him. They don't.
They only know me as the single. Widow thing as we go into different phases of our lives. Yeah, they don't know. And I don't really want to be seen as a widow anymore as out in the world, like I don't need them to know that I'm a widow. I don't have the widow to. Rest like you do because. I'm so far in but I do want them to acknowledge him and tell me stories about him and there's only a certain amount of people
that know know. I had someone just yesterday who I'm not upset about it but ran into them. Is this the people are gross situation? Ran into them in a store and they never knew Frank right but referred to him as my ex or said something like oh didn't your ex, you know, go to school and you. Grab your back throat and you're like, let me tell you something lady. I said. I said my late husband went to Darden. I mean, it's not even someone I know that well.
But hold on, what was their response when you said my late husband? Did they even understand it? She. Didn't really. That's when you grabbed the throat here When? We're off camera. I was more surprised that like, I made a point of correcting her, of course, whereas I feel like early days I wouldn't have stood. I would have just let it slide. But now for some reason, 10 years out, I'm like, Oh no, no, let me clarify again. Like she never knew him or never knew us together and really has
only met my current partner. So it wasn't that big of a deal. I was just kind of like, you know? But that's. Why my ex I? Got divorced, right? What are you talking about? That's why I have widow's threats. I don't want anyone to assume look, divorce is horrible and I have several friends that have been traumatized by it, but that is a relationship that wasn't working. My relationship was fucking working. So don't ever assume that it wasn't.
And that's what I I also take. I don't know the right wording for this, but like offense take offense if someone says well you're single. I I really, and maybe it's because I'm still and we've talked about this before. I don't know if it was on camera or not, but maybe I'm too attached to the widow title. But don't call me single. I'm I'm a widow and yes I'm dating but. And by the way. I am single. But yeah guys, anyway. I'm. Single Whitney. Like but I just like single and
and and divorce. Those are words that don't. Really want to be any of those titles, right? But I can't do anything about it. Yeah, it is what it is. All right, let's draw. Lady, let's go. Let's send this baby. I feel I'm feeling kind of juicy myself today. When my husband died suddenly, he had just been to the bank so his wallet had cash in it for weeks. When the kids wanted money for something, I would say go get it
from your dad. Even after the original cash was gone, I would put more money in there so I can keep doing it. I'm sure my kids thought I was insane. I love this. Person actually, I think that's amazing. It sounds like Whitney a little bit. I think it sounds like Whitney. It actually was my confession. I like I'm the dresser. Like I. Had Whitney. Thanks a lot Lacey for. Outing me totally no, I did do it you guys it was and well your. Kids were a little older, too. They weren't sick.
They were how? Old they were 11-12 and 14. So that's at an page where they knew it was you, but they loved this. It was a little fun they. Ever run out? They were like, how much are? We talking about, you know, literally. Just thought that there was like, I don't know, $200 or something in there. I don't know. And, and it became like a mission for me. Like I was like, is the cash running low? I'm going to get, get some more cash because it was a way for me to keep him. That's.
Awesome. In the picture but I'm sure my kids were like what the fuck is going? On Mom, never. I feel like. Go. Get forever. Ever go? Somebody your bedroom going, Mom's losing it like. But it's funny, I think it's, I think we all do like. We don't know anyone else. Is that disturbed? No joke. Hilarious, but you know, money. Did y'all ever so a confession? I have. I don't know if it's a confession, but at one point, I mean, I went through a lot of surgeries. My parents lived with me.
I didn't have very much freedom, couldn't drive for a while. But at one point I remember the kids are all at school. I go down to the mall. To. Buy something. I just remember. I mean, when Frank was alive, it wasn't like he was stingy, but he was more like, you know, probably hunger with the budget. And then what? I mean, Evan wasn't just rolling in with like shopping bags, you know, without him being like,
what's going on, right? And so I remember the first time kind of going shopping and feeling like. He was dead. There's nobody looking over my shoulder. Yes, nobody. I just walk in my house with my purchases. Yeah, you don't have to. I'm not hiding like Hock you in the car and sneaking them in later or. You know, yeah, yeah. It's, I don't know, it's a stupid thing, but it made me think no. Money. I do the Oh I have done the
same. Thing my friend Kelly just said a meme with a Kitty cat that was like this is me and it had like all kinds of bags that said go into the bedroom to hide everything out of the bed because her husband's very haven't you had. Girlfriends that are like, oh, you didn't text Mark and see if I can buy this? Like, that was sort of freeing. Yeah, just appreciating, you know, the freedom of it, which, you know, of course you'd rather
have it the other way around. You wouldn't want, I'd rather be sneaking the bags in, sure. And then just walk in the door and be like, well, I guess I'm okay. Yeah, you're like. They call it secondary gains. So like you, I could do whatever I wanted and not have to be like he didn't want me to buy the dead animal rug on the floor. He said no, I don't like that the cowhide looks weird. And So what did I do? As soon as he died the week later I went bought it and put it on the floor.
That was like, you know what? You're not here. You making me mad because you're not here. And that's what my doesn't make sense. But I was angry at him for leaving me with a six year old. And I was like, really? I was just getting back to my career. I was just getting back to doing the things I love and now? So you're like, I'm going to show you and buy this dead animal, right? That's right, I'm putting that cowhide on that floor. My life is good. For the most part I am happy.
But when grief creeps in, it makes me want to fuck it up. I lean towards bad decisions, more spending, wrong men, more drinks, whatever it takes to numb the loneliness. I like this person. That's literally what we I. Think. We've all done a little bit of all of those things. I've definitely indulged in so many ways because you're just trying to like. Spending money is and drinking but. More is everybody's like, go to like, what did you do to kind of
make yourself feel better? Everybody has something. I mean, if I'm going to be honest, I spent, I, I first of all said fuck the budget. But then the other thing is, I was having fun going out looking for people to, you know, connect with and. I think that's kind of common for a lot of people, particularly if you've been together for a super long. I found that people that were together a super long time were more interested in that than people who it was more recent. Right.
But it's really, it was really more about like what that person is saying. What was it like? More spending, wrong men, more drinks, whatever it takes to numb the loneliness. Yeah, it really was more about numbing, and I had a good friend. We grew up together well from freshman year in high school. One of my best friends and her husband died a year after Hunter and we would talk and she'd be like, I'm just spending money,
like I, I can't stop. It becomes a weird addiction because it gives you that hit that keeps the the sadness or the grief at Bay for one moment. Well, and you're kind of like, you know, fuck it, you don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, so I'm going to book the trip. Right. And I could be dead tomorrow, right? You know. We. Talked about the travel and taking the kids on extravagant trip, Yeah.
I think that's why we have like Roger Brooks is our sponsor because I believe like he because when people come into their life insurance, it's a lump sum of money and he's trying to help them be careful with it because yeah, it's pretty easy to go. You know what, There's no one to answer. I'm going to do the trip. I'm going to do this and you and it's. A No. Matter what it is, it's still more than you've had before, right? It's more of a lump sum than you've ever had before.
So you even if it's 100,000 or whatever, whatever it's that's why I think he's there to kind of help you rein it in and go, OK, you can have a little bit of fun, but let's try to be responsible. My financial advisor gives me that this is the projectory projectory trajectory. Thank you. I knew it was wrong, you know? It's wine for. Projection. It's the visual of your. Blind guys, Yeah, exactly. I I've just created a new word projectory.
I like it, but it gives me that, that view of OK, if I keep spending the way that I'm spending, then I run out at this time or this time. So that that's definitely helpful. For me, the filling of the void or which in my brain I was like, I'm just filling the void.
I'm filling the void. It vacillated between, you know, really good things like mega exercise and eating super healthy and, you know, that kind of thing, taking a million thousand supplements because a lot of stuff that happened to my body. And so I was trying to, I was seeing a nutritionist and I was seeing people that were like, you know, I had two bowel resections. So it was like I was like, what can I eat?
What can I drink? But so for me, it vacillated between that, like being hardcore healthy and then indulging in, you know, just, you know, going out a lot, drinking too much probably at times, definitely, you know, seeking a, you know, some connection with men, even though you knew it wasn't really the one, you know, just kind of like, can we just have dinner and snuggle? Just things that like you missed, you know, in your partnership. You're just trying to make it.
You're just trying to make it. I don't. Think everybody handles it different. It was that one. Thing for me, it was kind of all things and it right. And I think that's what that person. Was saying worth it all right too. And it wasn't all bad. Some of it was really amazing, you know, good like. I mean, it's why you can't judge when you meet with people, but you can say, you know, you might want to think about like, you know, long term how that makes you feel.
Yeah. Maybe put your band back on when it's like, you know, that's why we had Doctor Gofrani. Love. No love. It was good to have her on you so that these women, when they're making that step, it's not worth it to be, you know, crazy. But. All right, everyone, we still have. Some left, I want to read one more. All right, Keira's going to. This little skinny one, right? Here, Whitney needs to go to the. Bathroom. I have a small bladder, you guys. My confessions.
Two months after my husband died, I started a two year affair with one of his best friends who was newly separated. It was exciting and honestly I don't regret it. But I recognize now that and there's no more left. Oh. Recognize that. We can't talk about it. And. Finish the phrase. Well. And was it the familiar? How do you say that? Say it for me, like feeling close to maybe the husband. I don't know. I don't know. I didn't want to date anybody for five years.
So kind. Of like J JS book title for this. There are no rules for this if you'd. Like to go back and listen to that episode this. Needs to be revisited though because you did something similar. I did and I also not a friend of my husband's but I went back to an ex, an old boyfriend comfort. Some. Weird and I wish I had someone comforting like that. Yeah, did y'all get that message?
Listen everyone, I don't regret mine and I'm super grateful for it as we really helped each other out in a tough time. You're grateful for that old boyfriend, that. Yeah, for sure. Honestly, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. Don't beat yourself up. Over. The past is in the past. I think you and I are. We're fine with the I'm. Cool with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look, the truth is it's just like what that other person said with the with the bad decisions or whatever, you get this mentality of fuck it, you're like, fuck it, I want this, this feels good. And also in my circumstance, this person helped me, helped me navigate business things, helped me navigate children things, helped me navigate family things. Because a lot of people don't know, but at the time that my husband died, I also was dealing with a lot of addiction and, and alcohol.
Well, it's all addiction related issues within my family. And I became the point person. So not only was I trying to grieve my husband and deal with my kids, I was trying to protect my my whole family and set up boundaries and become the gatekeeper that Hunter had always been. So to have another person in the mix that knew about this stuff and knew how Hunter thought. Had some compassion and had.
Compassion and love and, but really what it is for me, what it was, what it what it was for me was that this person knew my husband so well that I felt in a way he was the surrogate. Would that be the right word? He was the substitute husband. Like I could be like, what do you think Hunter would have done or what do you think? And he would know. Well, interestingly enough, there's a girl from Mississippi who married her late husband's best friend.
I know it wasn't right away and it's been years, but still. But even I don't think it, I don't think it's uncommon that I, that a friend comes into the picture. I think it's funny, everybody like I was repulsed by the thought of dating. It took three years. I went on one day and then it took three years after that. I was like, just the thought of it. I was the same way. Yeah, it's funny how everybody. I was like, I'll never did, but here's the.
Thing you guys and I can only talk about myself. And you get over. I was not. I was not in a mindset of like, OK, let's meet somebody, let's date. It just naturally happened. I was not out looking to date anyone. It was just a connection, an emotional connection. A lot of talking on the phone, a lot of helping me. That turned into something really special for a specific time frame. Who I am now would not want that
person. But think about this 19 when you got together with your husband, that's a pretty big like, so I think people that's a big adjustment to be alone for somebody who I that's why I said if it had to happen to somebody, I think I was probably the most prepared to be alone because I do like to be alone a lot. I'm a weirdo. That way probably you had a very specific idea of who you were
before your husband. I know for me, and I've been talking about this with the guy that I'm seeing, I don't know who I am. I don't who am I if I'm not Hunter's wife? Who am I if I'm not the mother of these three kids that are living in my house and and need me. And all of that has changed. Hunter's dead and my third kid is leaving the nest and now I am a completely different it's it's all different. And so being alone feels, in a way, it feels good because I
need to figure it out. I want to be a whole person and I want the person that I attract to be a whole person and being. Alone has a lot of advantages. Yeah, yeah. I was reminded. I thought, oh, I hate empty nesting. I hate it. And when Ryder came home, we were laughing last night. He's like, yeah, I get thinking it might be kind of a good thing when I go back in the fall. I was like, yeah, this cooking clean thing sucks. That's hilarious.
I like to be alone. So whoever I'm with will have to understand that I've only dated one person at A at a length of time and they didn't get that. They they took it as a I'm pushing them away. And it was really more this is really who I am. I can be very outgoing, but when I'm not, I am done. It's like I hit a wall and I'm over. Because the guy that I'm dating, I think maybe more like that that Amber Vert thing and I get my feelings hurt if he doesn't want to be with me.
And just to we're going to end on this. Being alone doesn't mean lonely. There are moments when I feel lonely and I say I'm all alone. And the truth is I'm not alone. I could call any of you. I could call my family. There are people that I could call and have someone. I'm just feeling lonely in this moment, but I am not alone and my brain wants to make it all about you're alone and you're always going to be alone and get some more cats and da da da da da. And social media drives.
I have no cats. And by the way, if you have cats, if you have cats, that's OK. So my daughter is. About to pop you guys so y'all can keep talking but I got to go to the thank. You for sticking with us through the widow confessions. That also took a turn into some weird shit but but. That's what we do. We're going to wrap it up We're. Going to wrap it up. But the podcast looks like Raptors wine. But look at. All signing off confessions. We still have.
OK, we'll come back. To we will be right back. Imagine a financial partner who meets you exactly where you are, acknowledging your grief and taking the time to listen, empathize, and truly understand what matters to you. Strategic investment management can help you plan a course that honors your past while embracing your future.
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But we hope you have a glass of wine because it's way more fun when you have a glass of wine in your hand. Unless you're, you know, in recovery. I mean, you don't have to. No, I mean, if you want, it's whatever you want. It's whatever you want. All right, Holly, it's your turn, OK? Here is my widow confession. Here's my widow confessions. When my husband died suddenly, there was a part of me that was relieved. We've been having problems for years. Nobody knew this.
My grief is complicated because I'm both sad he's gone, but excited for the life I may have. Now I feel like a terrible person. You know, I recently heard from one of my friends, I was on a trip and she was talking about a widow. We both know her, but I don't know the person really well and her marriage was not in a good place. And so I think that'd be really hard, almost harder. Because how many people you can't fix it. Right.
I mean, people, well, I'm acting as if we've all had this experience, but I've had at least one or two people jokingly be like, I wish my husband was dead. Oh, that happened in the hospital. The gross. Thing to say by the way they. Said that in the hospital. OK, so when after a little Toby's accident, after Toby died and Zach was in the hospital, a huge group of friends showed up and some of them were going through a divorce or about to or already did.
And they were like, why Toby? Why wasn't it my husband or so and so so. Right. So it wasn't in a joking way. It was almost like, why did the good one get taken? Yeah. I had many, many people say that to me because they knew that I had a really great marriage. But I think that you can feel, you know, the person that wrote that in, I think that's super brave, by the way. But you can feel relief. I suspect she was feeling relief from the conflict. Of grace. Being removed from.
Her life, right? You know, like, I remember, yeah. So I, I, I feel like I remember a lot of people also saying, you know, you and Frank had such a great marriage. And then maybe other people whose marriages weren't as strong and they're like, you know, it's so sad that it was Frank and it wasn't, you know, my relationship. But nobody really feels that way. And, yeah. Are we all right? So is it my widow? Confession. Who's next? Yeah. Right.
OK, so my widow confession is that I have no idea what's going on in the world anymore. I don't listen to the news, I don't keep up with political information. I have no idea if there is war or weather or anything unless it shows up on my Instagram feed. It's been five years since my husband died. I should probably start paying attention, but I really don't care. I I disagree. Five years. Just keep your head in the sand. I mean that could I could have
written that. And I can relate to that. Like the overload of information negativity. It's. Depressing for. Other traumas like that are going on in Gaza or, you know, it's like, are you, you know, our own? Political world, everything. I felt that way for a while too. And I don't think five years. I really, it's funny now that I'm at 10 years, I look at back back at five years and I'm like, oh, that was just the infancy of my, you know, trauma and grief.
Like 05 years. That was like, I was just still crawling out of the whole like. Is sun out? Like, I mean, it's all perspective, right? But I totally get yourself up. If you're not, that's okay. I only keep up with the weather. I love the weather you. Do you love it? I think that was a weather person. Do you look at it in different cities or is it the weather in just Austin? Is it just here because it's just not boring? It's somewhere that I'm traveling to, no?
Research. I will research if I love going. Somewhere in a few months. What's the weather like there? Don't you think that's also tied to like, what are my outfits going to look like when I get there? Well, what's the packing? What? Shoes am I packing and what outfits in my packing? You're right, you're right. But if there's a hurricane. I didn't even know about the hurricane. I mean, guys, that's embarrassing. Burl, Burl, is he funny? Burl. No Burl. I knew about it, Burl.
Or is it or is it barrel? I I think it's. Burl BURLE or is it Burley? It's. It affected my flight so we ended up changing it. Yeah, he countered it. Yeah, I did. Disruptions. So you do have to. Know about the weather? You're right, you do have to know about it. So in. Honor of our. Friends that yes, sent her confession in. So what should she do? Well, that's what I'm saying. I would be like her, Like, well, I am. I'm like, I'm not following.
Yeah. And then and then I think there's also that attitude early on where I was like, fuck it, I don't even care. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow and I'm not going to put my stress and anxiety on this like I'm not going to do it. There are things that I missed. It's sort of funny. I will find myself, there'll be a reference to like a movie or a band or something that happened on Dateline or some, you know, some murder or serial killer or something. And I'm like, I've never what
that when was that? And it's right around. It's like right after everything. It's in the that like three to five year period that I just, I mean you're gone not even aware. Was. Also widowbrain. I mean like someone. Wrote in anything that wasn't right, like here, my kids, my recovery and everything. And but that happens to me a lot where I'm like, what year was that? Because I know for a fact I was checked out.
But I think that's life. And I think someone wrote in today on on our Instagram that they wanted to try EMDR and that they're not sleeping. And I said widow brain is actually a scientific thing. Abrupt brains do not like a brook changes. But I think that it's more about balance. And like, if if the news doesn't work for you and it doesn't make it doesn't fulfill you, I feel like I have to know. It's just like a thing.
I'm curious. And this is one thing that I say about anything in relation to death of a spouse. You fulfilled your duties till death do you part. They died, so whatever you want to do next, no guilt. You know, I'm kind of at a place, I don't know if y'all are, but I'm kind of in a place where I'm ready to take care of myself. I'm tired. 13 years of taking care of kid by myself. I'm just ready to. Take care, it's your turn. Oh.
OK, since my husband died I have been in two relationships and my confession is that I'm having the best sex of my life. Oh I love this. I had OK sex in my. Does he have a brother? But now I am more adventurous and say what I want. It's been liberating. I don't tell anyone because I don't want anyone to think I am not grieving. Will you go, girl? Just yeah. From the rooftop. Yeah, I just got to say yeah it. Was the positives that come from. Secondary.
Oh, secondary gain. Secondary I mean. Don't very gain. Joy, I think I love the confession. To see that why she's like secondary. Gain good for you. I mean, don't have her feel ashamed about having good sex, she said. She's better at saying what she wants, which I think is. Key. Having relationships later in life and just second time around it's you're like you're coming out of your marriage, maybe you
lost your spouse, whatever. And you're like, I know what I want, I know what I like, I know what works for my body. Yes, yes, good for you. Enjoy the sex. Get it girl. Your husband is not judging you from heaven. No, he is happy. For you, and by the way, you can grieve and do a lot of things at the same time. Yay for one more. You got time for one more. I have to force myself to spend
time with my in laws. Part of me just wants to cut them out because all they want to do is talk about my dead husband. I know they are grieving but I'm trying to live in the now. Sitting in their grief is exhausting. Wow I just had this conversation with a recent widow. Really what happened? And I think it's just hard because, you know, they're trying to build a life with their kid. They're trying to create positivity and not, and losing a child is just something I can't imagine.
I mean I I. Hang on to anyone that they were close to. Right. I can't imagine having to deal with in laws that you maybe didn't have a connection with. I think they're just feeling overwhelmed by it, right? Because I mean, I, you know, I don't know exactly what this person is going through, but yeah, it sounds like they're just feeling like it's a lot. Because I've dealt with my mother-in-law, my father-in-law died before Toby and Toby was very close to his mom.
And it's, it's been hard and I feel for her. She lost her husband and she lost her son and she doesn't really, She doesn't reach out anymore. And now I kind of wish that she had a relationship with them, even though early on I did not want to deal with her. It was like too much in the beginning, but I want them to have that connection. Yeah, that's Toby's mom. Yeah. So I mean, I guess kind of be grateful. As hard as it is to sit in your in laws grief, at least they can earn some.
Boundaries, but yeah, BB find the gratitude of having that part of your husband. Yeah, and their connection to their dad. I think any parent has lost a child. That's that's my biggest fear now. Is that I? So I but it's a lot to, it's a lot to manage when you're managing your own. So would we say to this listener, what set boundaries, but have grace and and when you whatever you're willing to do, do it wholeheartedly? I guess I think that. Balance is hard.
Boundaries is the biggest like. Don't take on their pile of shit, as Kira likes to say. Well, just shovel your own pile before you start in on someone else's pie. I. Don't know that's. Probably a really good idea. Get to a place where you're in a good place, right? And then take it in doses. It's like I told my dad when I got home, he was already texting me that my mom didn't have her necklace on. I'm the one who dropped her off. And I said, dad, it's costume
jewelry. I'm sure we'll find it. I will talk to you later in the week because I needed a break. I need a few days off. That's OK. It's just like I was just travelling this weekend with my sister's five year old twins and the flight attendant made a special point. It's like, just so you know, I need you to understand, if these oxygen masks drop, you've got like 30 seconds before you pass out. You put your oxygen mask on 1st and then deal with them.
And I was like, gotcha. But that's a life lesson. And that's where the boundaries come in. And on that note, you guys, we hope that some of these confessions have resonated with you so that you know you're not alone. There are no right answers and we're all, we're all doing the best that we can. So we wish you well. So follow us, like us on Instagram and Facebook, follow us on whatever. Write a review, write a review. If it's Apple podcast, write a
review. If you're listening to us anywhere else, please make sure that you're clicking that follow button. But we love you. Thank you so much. Good day to you. Bye my. And. Tally ho and tally ho and. Good day. Good day, Sir.