You found us. I'm so glad you did, but I am sorry that you had to. Who are we? I'll tell you what. We're not, we're not old, we're not boring and we're not giving up, we're for mother's. All living in Austin introduced to each other because we all share a similar tragedy, her husband's died unexpectedly and in the prime of their lives. So, come on into our widows Circle where trauma meets humor and we remind you that you can not only survive. I've but Thrive, this is every
Widow thing. Welcome to every Widow thing on this episode Kyra, is going to be sharing her story of the day. That her husband died. We feel like it's important to share these stories because number one, it gives you a little insight into what we've been going through. But it also lets people here that even with something extremely traumatic you can survive and that's the whole point of this. Podcast, we appreciate Kira that you're going to share this story.
We know some bits may be hazy whether it's because of grief or in your situation, you were hospitalized. So, we will give you Grace and please always me. Yes. All right, yeah, so my husband died, in June of 2014. It was the 21st of June. We had just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary on June 2nd. And Then Frank's birthday was June 11th. We sent our older two kids off to sleep away camp for two
weeks. Aislinn was 11 and it was her second time at the camp second summer and Thomas was going for the first time. He was nine years old, we put the kids on the bus, they got off and then it's just me and Karis at home. She's four and a half and Frank was traveling. He was being recruited actually.
Can New York City for the CEO position and so that has kind of been the discussion in our house was you know, we've been in Austin about for years and it would be moving possibly moving back to the East Coast with that would look like I was sort of reluctant At first. I felt like I didn't want to move the kids we'd settled in, we'd make good friends and then I thought about it and I said, hey you know what, you work hard if this is your dream job. I support you 100%.
Sent I love you. We'll make it work, and that was just kind of our relationship. Like, he worked really hard. He took care of us and I wanted to support him in any way that I could. So we had pretty much made the decision. Yeah, we had kind of had. I was that initial like, oh my God, we're moving again and then I got on board and so then he actually was in New York City. I think in the final round of interviews with this company, they said you're our FrontRunner and then he flies back.
To Austin the night before we had to pick up the kids. So he gets home, we could have bed early got up really early because the camps about three hours outside of the city and the Hill Country. And you're the parent, pick-up is around 8:30 9:00 a.m., so I'm throwing all the snacks and the iPads and all the goodies and the dark. Yeah. And then I've got my four year old. So she's got all her gear and some stuffed animals and things like that.
And we get on the road and how long had the kids been at Camp two weeks. Okay. So yeah. So they hadn't seen right? They saw their dad. There are two weeks prior that's correct. Okay, yeah. And then he'd been out of town, so he hadn't. It was sort of me and Karis and that final week. So we get on the road, it's dark, it's five, ish.
And then about a half hour or so, outside of town were on this road, 290 West, it's a two-way kind of Way country Highway little bit hilly and he, and I are talking about the move back and we were talking about, you know, if we go back to New York City, like what area we go back to Montclair, where we lived before, we try to live in the city will be try, something else. And I just sort of, fortunately, I kind of remember him smiling at me.
He was a very upbeat positive guy and he, I just remember he's, we're probably joking about something. And he's looking at me and smiling at me and then it was just Blackness and I was kind of tumbling in Blackness. This is a little hard to talk about but what happened was we were like I said on this kind of hilly section of the road and someone was traveling in the opposite direction, actually in our lane, and this gentleman had been up like on a bender all
night drinking. I'd gotten on the freeway in the opposite direction was going about 100 miles an hour and he just took us out. I mean, we didn't see it coming. The police officers told me much later that Frank had tried to swerve at the end but it was all. Yeah, it was just kind of like and they're not even sure if he had his headlights on. So that was another piece. It sounds like he didn't if You had no indication.
Well sometimes when you're coming over arise you wouldn't as he's going 100 miles an hour and Ryan even matter. Yeah, you can't. Who can come in with that? I mean, it was when I say I don't know where it was out of nowhere. Then I kind of regain Consciousness in the in the vehicle. And the first thing was, I heard Kara's crying and I just had this mom like crazy mom. Gut instinct was like, I've got to get to my baby, I've got to use my baby.
I remember I was kind of on my stomach, the car had rolled and I'm trying to get to her, you know, your I'm having this out-of-body experience. I'm in shock and my whole arm is just like this noodle, it was shattered, and I couldn't, I was trying to use my arm to kind of get to her where I could hear her crime. My arms covered in blood, I'm trying to get to her, I We even see Frank at this point. We're here, huh? So that's ensue, some difficult
moments. I ultimately heard people outside the car and I just started screaming like get my baby out, get my baby out, get my baby out and then they got Karis out, and I just kind of like, gave up in that moment. I could see just and I'm grateful for this, I could only see part of Frank's leg. So, I kind of feel grateful that you know my last image of him really was that kind of smiling chatting, laughing face and I saw the leg, my brain just
couldn't process. What was going on with him. I was so focused on my child and then the car the car started to catch on fire and then I caught on fire and that was pretty horrifying. And your brain knew it was, probably you knew that you were on. Fire. Oh yeah. You don't not. No, no. I didn't know how the way your daughter and her Stein. I can kind of laugh about it. I've had some trauma therapy. That helps me but yeah that was intense to say the least.
So I catch on fire and then I feel this cooling people were clearly outside the vehicle with fire extinguishers. I don't know if the EMS is on site at that point, I can't really remember, you know? Well obviously, A, I was who got Caris out. I don't know if it was police or EMS or firefighters, she was out because I remember just this overwhelming the relief that she was alive, right? Because I heard her crying. And then the relief when she was
removed from the car. And then at that point, I was just kind of like the adrenaline steam over. Yeah, game over. I was having a lot of trouble breathing. I, you know had multiple multiple multiple injuries and I was later told by surgeons and medical staff that several of my injuries people just do not come off the road, they just don't make it. So by the grace of God, I am in the car, drag it out, I'm in the car, and these are just what I remember.
I mean, I have no idea how long I have no idea who was there. I have no idea what was going on, really? But I do remember the fire extinguishers. Put out was mostly my lower my left leg, put out the fire and then this firefighter EMT is standing outside of the open window, and they call or calling in the accident and they say injured, woman injured child and one DOA. And I was like, oh my God, because I'm absorbing this information that Frank is dead and so that happens.
And then the next thing I know, there's this gentleman. I don't know if it was the back of the car, the side of the car, who's in the window, with a big old, firefighter hat, like an old-school, firefighter hat, and he is trying to talk to me and he's trying to get me out of the car and he's saying, you know, what's your name and stay with me and all those things? And I mean I think I'm saying but I can barely get words out
at this point. And the last thing I remember is they just they're pulling me and I don't know how that even worked because both of my arms were shattered and both of my legs were shattered and so I don't even know where they were pulling me from. But I was pulled. I remember there was a lot of glass. I remember the smell of the burning and the metal and all of it. And that's it. I don't remember anything from that point until waking up in
the hospital. Probably Only five to six days later or something like that here is, was that a different hospital, right? She was life-flighted to Dell Children's and I was life flighted to what was Brackenridge and is now the UT. Yeah, it's actually been torn down. That's so they had to tell you. Your daughter was at a different hospital when you woke up five days later or yes. Apparently, someone was just telling me this. I would lighten the mood for a
second. Apparently, he's pleased to get out right. A friend was just telling me last week that when I was intubated, I was in and out in, and out, in and out, and the people around me. So, there was a whole other team, if people with Karis friends, family with Kara's. And then there was a whole team of people around me. And then the people with me, were would say, I'd wake up and I would try to, I would try to ask about Frank and they would immediately say, you know, Karis
is a cake. Here's a cake. Harris is okay, because she was very critical, but no one wanted to tell me that because I was very critical. So, it was kind of like, my mom told me later, you know, we didn't know if I was going to live and said, they were sort of spoon feeding me information as needed. And, you know, my mom said it was so hard because we had to say Frank can't be here right now. You know, he can't cares. His, okay.
Frank can't be here right now. And I guess, you know, somewhere in my subconscious I was like Shit, you know something, because I knew you heard. I had already heard that I knew, but I didn't want it to be. I didn't want it to be true. So every time I came out of unconscious, I would ask for him and everyone was like we'd all look at each other and say, who's going to tell her, you know, what are we doing here? Like what do we say? We told you um you know, I think
it must have been my dad. My dad was the first person I saw when I finally woke woke. I think, you know, he told Old me. But I mean, I don't know about you guys. I just still couldn't process it for a long time. I mean, I still thought he was like, maybe alive for like a really long time, right. I'm embarrassed to say, how long that went on, but I was on a lot of drugs on. I was, I was on a lot of drugs.
I was my body. You know, had been just smashed to pieces and there was a lot of trauma there. So, yeah, I just rain is also trying to say I couldn't write for all three. Reading that book, I think, I don't know if you were to body keeps the score body keeps the score because it's it's trying to protect you from all the damage at one time. That's why people go into shock. Yes. It saves you from having all that information at one time because you can't handle it.
I definitely did not accept that at the time, I'm glad your dad was the one that told you, you have a good relationship with. Yeah. My dad was the first person I saw when I woke up and again, you know, they kept telling me I hadn't. Seen my kids. I know they were picked up a camp by other families that were there. They also went through their own, really difficult day of driving home with other families, you know, they're at Camp.
Their parents don't show up they don't know what's going on. Some of the families didn't know what was going on. They came back to Tarrytown to a friend's house, the priest came from our church down the road and they were told, so I didn't even get to tell my kids what was going on that their dad had died Carol. They knew that day. They yes they were told earlier that day my guess of course because yeah. They're like here are my parents. Yeah, yep.
And then, I know, you know, again, I'm an ICU. So I don't know the timeline on all that, but I know it was later that day and I don't know when my parents arrived, I know that they were called And told to get they were they live in Alexandria? Virginia said, in the area where I grew up and they had to get on a flight I know they got in a fight like immediately and yeah. So I wake up my dad tells me and then I just was fighting for my life still.
I was kind of you know, had many many many internal injuries. I had Burns. I had broken bones. I just had Has in and out, there were so many people to that were there to visit, and I remember people had to stand outside of the the room and kind of police that a little bit because people would come in and try to talk to me, I would literally just pass out in the middle of a conversation.
I mean, I was just so exhausted and on a lot of medication and then I'm trying to remember when I saw the kids, I think they didn't want me, they didn't want the kids to see me until I was a little more stable. So my gosh, that was Probably a week and a half. Wow. In the meantime, my husband's family comes to Austin. They my father-in-law and my sister-in-law that they take care of everything. They handled the funeral services, they don't understand why.
Created a, did you do it? Did you do a second funeral? So you know, it's interesting because I'm coming up on with this years. Nine years, I thought like at ten years, I never had anything And they had this service within a week, no one was there. Except for my 11 year old daughter. She's the only one, my son could not handle it and my, you know, my best friend from back home was with them. And she just said, he's not going, he can stay with me, did anybody?
And maybe you've never had this conversation. But did anybody tell Frank's parents? Hey, this probably isn't a good idea right now because you can what I do. People that hate him no idea to do a celebration of life. They went away cremated or baby was cremated. Okay? I had I know it did, they were in their own grief and they thought I do not hold any resentment. I just want to say towards them for any of that.
I mean, if I had been in a position to discuss it, I may have said, hey let's hold off and wait until we can all be present but they did. What they felt that, you know, needed to happen at the time and did your friends attend? Yes. Oddly enough. I was just recently going through the closet and found the guest book and I mean, there were so many people there. I haven't been able to look through a lot of those things.
I'm sure you guys can relate and I was just going through that guest book and I was like, oh my gosh, they were there. And they were there because he ran in Austin, as, you know, summer was kind of in full swing. Our kids get out early June and like East Coast, which is sort of later in June and people were, you know, I can't traveling on vacation. And so I was kind of amazed to see how many people actually were in town and did attend and I have a video of it. I know it was.
People said it was amazing. Have you watched the video I have? Yeah, that's hard. I know nine years out of my can oh I don't know. The grief hits. That's an intense feeling and it takes you right back to that fair. I just talking about it here takes you right back to that. And that ends is just as intense today, nine years, 11 years, five years, six years, 25 years, you know, it's actually sometimes worse. I was trying to explain this to somebody shock, it's a protector.
Yeah. But you don't have that ability anymore because when that wears off than it all comes rolling in and it's like a tidal wave that Apple's you under. So I had so much buffering me in That period of time because it was that mean I had. Well, I was on a lot. I was on a lot of Dilaudid. I had multiple surgeries. I mean, the, the team of doctors that would come in multiple times a day and say, this is what we're doing next.
This is what we have to repair. This is, you know, the next steps, the wound care people, the surgeries. And then after that, it was rehab and all kinds of things. So I was very much. I knew in my heart, I had to get back to my kids. That's what I was going to ask,
where your mental state was. I'm sure it fluctuated from day to day, but was it always, I got to get back to my kids always and they put a, this photo, the nurses put at some amazing nurses, they put this picture of the kids up in the room and that was kind of my motivating. I just wanted to get well and back to my kids. Little did I know like how long of a road that really was? I just Of couldn't even absorb all of the damage that has been done to my body.
They told my parents, I might not walk again. I mean, they were looking for a liver transplant, it was a lot. And so there's cure, I said this, I was just about to ask social with her physically. Well, I remember this very clearly. I was told, like I said, initially, you know, she's fine, she's fine, she's fine. She's at Dell Children's, there's was a team. I mean, I had friends round-the-clock spending the night with her because it's like my family's really small.
So my mom's kind of home with the big kids. My dad was with me, mostly advocating on for me and then it was friends and family with Karis and it was a team of people that would spend the night there, you know, on a pad in her room or so Karis, a suffered, some broken bones, one arm weight, both arms, one leg. She had a liver laceration that was less severe than mine. Fortunately some, you know, some fractures to her face and things like that and she had a head
trauma. She had a brain injury with a bleed and later I found out. She had something called an internal decapitation, which is a pretty horrifying term. Yeah, and adults. Don't generally survive. I think in children. It's about 20%. It might even be less her head. Just kind of came off from the
force of her. Her neck and she was not stable and this was the critical piece that people didn't really tell me. But a couple weeks, later a surgeon from Dell came to see me at Breckenridge because you're not making any medical decisions for her. I was not right. I mean up until this point,
right? They came and said, you know, they were kind of waiting to see if the ligaments would kind of re Tamp down and kind of stabilized but it wasn't happening and so the Surgeon came from Dell and spoke to me in the hospital and just said, we have to do this like, pretty major surgery on your child and we wanted to speak to the mother and they just said, you know, we have to fuse these vertebra otherwise she's just not going to be stable.
And I remember just saying, well you know, what are the Alternatives? And they said really not, you know if she's not stable then she could be paralyzed. And I just said, go ahead and do it. Fortunately that went well and that He's kind of the only time when I kind of realized, you know, this is pretty serious, what she had gone through as well. So she really did take quite a blow in the car. I mean it sounds like you all should have died. That's really what I keep thinking of me.
The blessing is You all didn't die. Yeah. And he took the brunt could have protected her. Yeah, no, of course. But I, you know, in my mind I ultimately did come to feel as though he said I'll go lie, you know, save them, that's kind of really just how I feel in my heart and the fact that my kids were not orphaned that day, I mean, there was a lot of discussion around behind the scenes, think God or not.
I was blissfully unaware of just all the other trauma that was going on, in terms of like, trying to locate our will and who would take over the children and what would happen? Did you guys have a will? We had a will that was kind of in the, we were in the process of sort of tinkering and getting it finalized. So we had one, but it wasn't signed dotted. And and that's a big mistake for all you listeners. Get your, get your grill Get
your paperwork in order. Yeah. That ended up being a massive headache for me. So, how is Karis now how she doing now? Physically Carris is great. She's really great. The kid is just tough and she, yeah, she's just a gift, he's a badass. So everything in her neck, everything fused back together and she's good, or, well, she has like some limited range of motion. Can she do a cartwheel at one point?
I had her in tumbling and kissed her Little friend was doing tumbling and and the, the other dad of the friend is a neurosurgeon and he was like, what is Karis doing in this tumbling class? Get her out of this time with my kids, mediately do you have to forget? I just thought early on put her and swim because her her range of motion, she can turn her head sort of 3/4 to the right. She's not going to be thank God. They have backup cameras in the
car right now. So she's not going to be doing pulling the like behind All the way around. Yeah. To back up the car I would say. That's the only real physical limitation and then, you know, that the head trauma has created some, you know, learning challenges and Regulatory challenges for her that she's amazing. And but when you meet her, she's
none of that comes across. If you do not know her story, you do not get, she's spirited, she's beautiful and fun, and I feel like all your kids are like that. I really, I don't think all of our kids, we're very Fortunate all of us. Nobody would look at our kid and, you know, any of our kids and be like, oh well, they've been through some shit but they have. Yeah. And continue to go through shit. They're resilient, they really are. And thank God, you know, I thought I've thought about a
million things like one point. I was like, well, maybe I, you know what, if I'd been driving and Frank was such an amazing dad? I mean, I know you guys didn't know him but he was just loved being a dad and he was an amazing Um, Dad. And I thought cashing out and your low moments are like, oh, he'd be doing a better job and I'm doing right now. How are you physically now? I mean, you look great. And I've seen you dance, so you have, I don't think, I don't think you have any physical
limitations anymore. We used to SoulCycle together this group. So, yeah, I know me. That was before me, I don't don't cycle. This is more W. Only the blinds of three blondes used to saw it. Every Friday together. That was so much fun. It was so much fun. I have a Peloton now I still like to cycle. I gave up running but yeah, I can I just I just kind of do
most most. Everything else really try to keep my muscles strong to support my all my bones because they're all they all, you know, are compromised. Now, you have most part the X disease. Oh yeah. I also have an honor. Wasn't was that least of my worries and I didn't know if an auto immune System could be Jarred, I don't know. Now that I've been through all this other stuff that's just kind of an afterthought. But isn't that kind of the
beauty of some of the tragedies? Some of the things we thought I remember Holly you and I talking about this. He said, I thought, I had anxiety before all this happened. I mean true, I was worrying about stupid things and now that wouldn't even register with me because like all of us have been through something so much. That's one of the things I really try to look.
Get the blessings. What are where's the light and all this darkness and you guys are one, but perspective is one and I lose it. Still, you know, and have to remind myself, especially like the sunshine of the group Whitney I've while you're toxic positivity, which is something I know it's not all good for you, but there are some blessings and in this and, you know, we're all going through things right now that aren't to do with the death.
Death of a husband, but when you don't have a partner to help you deal with it, whether it's sick parents or teenagers or whatever else, other losses have a colonoscopy Friday that sorry. I'm actually jealous, I got my befall, my boyfriend's gonna take me but, you know, before I got em I'm in a relationship now. But before that, I would have called one of you guys and said, hey who wants to take me to my
colonoscopy? Yeah. Because you really have to rely on your friends and People and I, you know, I leaned on people a ton a ton. I relied on Uber a lot too because if a lot of people were working and busy sometimes, that's that was how I got to the dentist. Yeah, you know or I like to take Xanax when I go to the dentist. Very oh my God. I think we all say we've been through hard things and we know we're strong enough to handle whatever is coming next.
So So for those of you that are listening, even if in this moment because we don't always feel strong, but you need to know that you're going to be okay, and we're living proof of that that you're going to go through hard stuff, but you can survive it and thrive in it. I know. I keep saying that people are going to roll their eyes survive and thrive, but that is the biggest truth. Yeah, we have our down days still, but we still have a lot
of good days too. Yeah. And that's what we want to remind. People that are in the darkness right now, and I think the best thing is you got to find your people. I think that's what we all want to stress. That you can listen to our podcast, you can also look at the Instagram, but mind your people. I think it's really important and with that, thank you, cara. That was real hero. That's a hard one, not fun to talk about that, but we people always want to know.
They want to know what happened, and they want to know the details and the and it's every, it's every family's nightmare I know. Not every family's nightmare but I'm no them Community family's nightmare. There were people that were like oh my God and you know talk about being like that family and that everyone knowing her story.
Well it's good and bad. I know you talked about like switching schools and with my kids a son had just switched to school and I think in that man that school really embraced us, she was at Saint Andrew's Episcopal which I'm going to shout out to them because they embraced our family and in a way It was nice for me because I didn't have to be meeting new people all the time and saying and explaining myself right so everyone just knew the deal and didn't have to me and the kids
didn't have to kind of like explain it. Yeah. Yeah. I love the whole thing about this podcast. That's really cools a were all very different and how we handled it was very different. Hmm. Yeah.