Young widows, we're brushed aside, we're swept under the rug. We're hurry up and get married again. Move on with your life. Get over it. And I don't think people are like, looking at what that really means. What? What does that mean for someone that's gone through it? What does that mean for their family dynamic? What does that mean for their kids? What does that mean for their friendships? The whole 9 yards. This is every widow thing. Hi everyone.
We are so excited that you are here with us today. I did want to give a little shout out to our sponsors. We have sponsors. This episode is brought to you in part by Meredith Schlosser. She's a real estate agent out of Los Angeles. And we also have a sponsor called spiritpieces.com. It is beautiful cremation, jewelry and glass art. All right now with the program. Today's episode is about boundaries, and I think we've all had some issues. With.
Keeping boundaries. I know for me, my husband was the gatekeeper and I could just throw it all on him. Oh, Hunter said no. Oh, I'm so sorry. But Hunter said no, and he's still. Saying no. He's saying no, but no one else can hear it but me. So I've had to really learn about creating boundaries, you know, for myself, yeah. That's kind of my new hero trait when I meet people because that's always been difficult for me. So I've always been like a yes person.
And obviously that changed immensely after I lost my spouse. Whenever I meet people that just very calmly and coolly say, hey, you know, that's not going to work for me or that's not going to work for my kid or that's not how my family, you know, does things, I'm just in awe of those people. You know what I just heard? This is so funny. I know. No coincidences. I just heard this last night. Remember the Olsen twins from Full House? And now they do. You know, they're always.
Amazing clothing. I don't know. I think they're in their 30s, which. Is crazy. But they said recently or not recently. It was an old clip, But they said no is a full sentence. No is a full sentence. And that was one thing that my husband used to tell me all the time when I'd be writing emails to people or something. He'd be like, too many words, too many words. But I'm like, no, I need to explain that things are really hard right now. And I've got this and that.
He's like, no, just short and sweet. Yeah, no is a full sentence. I love that. Thank you, Olsen Twins. I read somewhere that like over explaining is sort of a symptom not being heard as a child or something. Not really. Being. That's. Heard or validated? It can also be a Southern thing
too. Like I worked for a guy from the on the East Coast. I was on the West Coast, but he was an E Coaster and he said when you say you're not able to make it, just say I'm not able to make it not I'm not able to make it because I got to do this, this, this, he said. That's enough. That ought to be enough. No. Why do we do that?
Because I do that all the time and I'll type an e-mail or a text and I'm like, rereading it. I'm like they don't need to know why I'm saying no or. I'm a people pleaser, so for me, I don't want anybody to be mad. I want to make sure that they understand that, oh, this is a really hard decision, even if it wasn't you know, so I is that part of it for? Yeah, you. For you, Holly, you. Want to justify it or something? Yeah, don't be mad at me. Right. They're going to be mad anyway.
Doesn't even have a good. Reason why I'm not, you know, coming to the party or. But I find on the other end now if people are overexlaining to me, I feel like they're just trying to convince me. You know, maybe they didn't want to hang out with me. That's fine. Just feel like, hey, I don't want to hang out with you tonight. Don't be like. And the cat's sick and the because then you're like, wait, wasn't the cat sickly? Right, it starts to sound like a lot I. Have a sick cat that that's
like. Trouble yesterday or the day before? And now my cat said no A. Real. Kira, I remember I was supposed to go On this date, and that's a while ago and I did not want to go and that was. Just a couple weeks ago. It was. Like a month ago. No, I don't want to. Go and I didn't want to go. And Kira's like, well, just say your dog is sick and I'm like, well, I can't say that because it's not true. And finally I was like, I can't make it tonight.
And you didn't say good for you, that's progress, that's progress it. Is and that it's so hard. I think especially when you're just as a widow or a single parent, people tend to forget that and they expect you to keep up as if there is another person in the house and that that's it's. That's not the case, and you get overextended very quickly if you don't have your boundaries. So, OK, let's talk graduation. Which coming out.
Already been through. So Zach's graduating and all the family's coming and I'm like having so much anxiety over everyone's staying at my house and and my sister was going to sleep in my room with me and I was like, wait a second, I'm going to need my own space. And y'all all said, you need somewhere to retreat. To This is one of those moments that we talked about where the grief is going to come into play more so than usual. Your husband would.
You'd be doing this together to milestone and. You need nothing against my sister asleep, you know. Although you do kind of laugh. But, you know, at any end of time would be fine. But I was like, there's going to be like eight people in my house. We're going to be trying to get ready for graduation. And I'm having a party at my house.
I was like, so much anxiety. Well, you need some place to be alone so that if you want to break down or right or you need to regroup, that's your safe place. I mean, honestly, my mom used to live with me and I had to set that boundary and it took her. And let her stay in your room. She wanted to sleep with me. But even you, Lacey talking about when you would go visit and your mom would be like well,
you and. And she and and it took the grief therapist to to say that's not going to work for you. But because things have changed. We're down a man, as Kyra says. I love that saying. I have a couple of saying one from Hollywood, from you and from you that I've taken in. And I say them a lot like we're down a man. I'm not the same person I was then. Yeah, I could go with the flow a lot more than than I can now.
Because now I like you. With graduation you have to anticipate some grief is going to roll in and it may not. You may be so fortunate that you don't have any of that and it's wistful and it and it breezes in and out, but it's best to be prepared for it and have your space. So now you know, my mom, back when things were good, she was fine with that. She would get right or his own room. I would get my space and it all
worked out after that. But it took me setting the boundary, and that's the hardest step that all of us have to make. When I think people want us to be who we used to be, they want us to do as many things as we used to do before. And when you're down a man, it's impossible. And I even want to be who I used to be. It's not possible anymore. And as you age, it really gets to be incredibly taxing, right?
To try to do it all. I had sort of a similar experience where I felt like almost like a child again because my parents lived with me for a year after the car accident, which I absolutely needed the help. But they were like in my home and I was you know, disabled by my injuries and I couldn't care for my kids.
And it's almost like this reversing of time where I just, I felt like my parents were kind of running the house, but it was my house and I was 42 years old and it was really difficult. And as soon as they, as I was able to take care of my kids again. And I remember driving was a big thing, 'cause I had all these surgeries on this arm and I couldn't drive. And I was like, well, I guess I, you know, can't take care of the kids until I can drive.
I sent my parents home. I was like, I love you, please leave my house. I just need. I need my house back. I had to blame myself because. They were ready for that. Yeah, I was ready and they were ready. It is so interesting because because my mom was living with me as well and we're both overachievers, you know, we both are caretakers to do everything. And I started to realize that I wasn't doing anything anymore.
And it wasn't until I went to a therapist and she was like, there's only 100% to give, there's only 100% to be done, whatever. And if one person is doing 80%, then there's only 20% left to do. It's just the way it is. And even though I'm typically an overachiever, when I had another overachiever in the house, I all of a sudden became the underachiever. And like you, I woke up one day and I was like, I'm not the matriarch of my house. I'm not the the mother.
And as much as I loved not worrying about dinner and going to the grocery store and laundry and all of that, I realized that I had to take all that back in because it was making me, one, feel terrible about myself and two, confusing my kids. And it was harming my relationship with my mom. It was changing the relationship the kids had with my mom because now it was another parent. And yeah. I was like, she can come to my house and make dinner, yeah. It. Sounds. Just for my. Laundry.
It sounds so great. A couple of weeks. I get it. Though I started feeling like, what's my role? What is my purpose if I'm not doing those things and I didn't like to do them? And did you feel that regression like, well, I'm the kid again? Like, Mom is the mom is mom? Yes. And I'm not Mom. I'm like a kid again. Yes, I'm just part of, you know, the kid group and. Yeah, sitting at the Kitty. To only be one boss, like you said, and we're like, ready. I was ready to be like the boss
of my It's a control thing too. I mean, I'm ready to take back my life, right? Anything our listeners should know is that your Dynamos? Neither one of you, neither Holly. None of us needs the help really. I would like a little help, it'd be nice. That's right, we can. Keep it All four of us have been able. To I don't know, there's I need a lot of handyman. That's what I need. I. Think he's coming tomorrow? Oh. Good, I think. A handyman. Not a, not a, not a mom in the house.
I think also going back to, like, boundaries as a widow, people want to help and that's awesome. But like, you know, we continually laugh about the story that you told Lacey about not wanting to answer the door. So you're. Literally. Crawling I know, but setting boundaries in that way too. You know you need your private space. You want to not have your your family maybe staying with you or
your parents living with you. And that also extends to friends just popping by without any warning. So you really have to set up clear boundaries for the help that you need, which can be really hard when you're in that. Everybody wants to help. You know, if you're, if you're fortunate enough like we all were to have people that care about us, that wanted to help. It's just like anything else.
It also takes energy to have that interaction right, to have the conversations, just to have the face to face, just to have the just to get out of the pajamas and brush the hair or whatever needs to be done. If somebody's coming to your door and some days you just don't feel like it, you just don't want to. You just don't have. I think it's about protecting energy a lot for me, and it's still something that I struggle with, whether I'm getting into.
I feel like early on, if I ever got pulled into like a conversation around maybe someone who was unhappy in their marriage or they were complaining to me about their spouse, that was really hard for me to kind of be there for that friend but also hold that energy for someone who was complaining about a living, breathing spouse. And so there's emotional energy. There's, you know, just energy,
energy like physical energy. And you know, you have to put boundaries up around that too, because you only have so much. And I really needed to preserve for myself and for my kids and didn't have like a whole lot leftover for a lot of years, so. That's hard too, because you want your friends to be able to complain about their spouse too. Like you want to be normal, have a normal conversation. You don't want them to, you
know. And I'm saying this since we're a lot further in, like, you know, in the early days if someone days I. Realized I couldn't really be the friend, maybe that I was with Frank, you know, like that extra there for that friend or friends I had to pull back and that was that was hard for me. Absolutely. You have to. I found and I didn't have the energy to listen to all the negative. You know, I used to be and I'm a great pep talker and I love
giving pep talks. But especially in the early days when I was so down and and just heavy myself to have other people come in and put their heaviness on me. And sometimes it was the same grief, you know, his his mom or a friend or or my family. They're they're sad and and grieving and and it became like this extra burden and I couldn't take it on. I had to have the boundary of like, I'm not going to answer that phone call.
I am going to roll off the couch or you know, I have to ask my family to leave or stay somewhere else because I don't want to take on their anxiety. I don't want to take on their their expectations. And we're all really kind and generous people, and we're hostesses. You know, like, if someone's at your house, I'm not just going to be sitting on the couch saying, yeah, go, you know where the refrigerator is. You're going to have it stocked
and you're going to have plans. And it's just extra stuff. That's. Like my my dad died two months after Toby and the Boundaries with my mom, That was a real hard one. Because I couldn't. I I wouldn't. Couldn't be there. For her, I mean it's still, it's still there. Like when I don't know when holidays come up and she wants things the way they always were and I have to set my boundaries.
I'm like the boys and I are going to do new things and it's been hard, but I've done it. And good for you, because that is our job, to protect our family first. Like, I love that your kids said Lyman's first. Absolutely. It's absolutely true. I was like Schmeltzlis. Doesn't sound quite as cool as Lyman, but I'll go with that. I liked that they said that because I think that's true. But you know what I've learned in all of this is that I used to think near that old adage.
Misery loves company. It really doesn't. Someone has to be good to lift the other person up. So have you ever noticed that if you go to someone that's miserable, you're miserable, and you know that person miserable, you can just get down in the weeds and it gets worse and worse? And I'm like, no, where's my little Pollyanna at this moment? I'm going to go to her and help her, let her help me maybe see things differently.
And there's maybe I can turn that dialogue around because I've I've learned to find those people when I because if I can get in the weeds with someone that's not good for me. I've learned that for me that doesn't work. Misery does not love company for me. I need somebody who's in a better place and that but has also had struggles and watch them go through theirs and come on the other side because and 12 1/2 years in I am. So I'm here to tell all of you that are in the early years.
It does get easier, less deep less dark. Less often is very true. But it doesn't mean you won't have your moments. I still have them. Things happen like graduations like what Holly's you know going through that was me last year and this year's empty nesting and they'll always be something. But I'm trying to take a card out of Whitney's playbook. You're you always are looking for the lessons. So I'm always going, OK, I'm
going to do that. I'm going to look for the lessons, but I'm also going to try to see if I can turn that dialogue in my head around and maybe try to not be Pollyanna. I can't do that. That's way too far for me. But maybe try to find something positive that I can learn from it and make my life better. I don't want, I don't want to live back where I used to live in those early days.
I can't stay there and I can't stay there for very long because if I do, I can't be successful in my life, my business, my friendships, everything suffers. We'll be right back. We recently had a podcast about our husband's ashes. Sadly, Kira still can't get into the box, can you? We have to get in the box. I'm working on. I'm working on the box. The whole point is you want to be able to do something with those ashes.
I came across a great website, itscalledspiritpieces.com, and what I love about it is that they give you a variety of options. It's jewelry, it's glass art, It's statues. You can do a ton of stuff with ashes, and we all have quite a few ashes. There's a lot in the box. Yeah. There is a lot in the box. I like the paperweight idea. Doesn't. Spiritpieces.com have paperweight. Yes. And you know what's so great? And there's one that I'm
actually going to order. It's this Heart paperweight, and it's beautiful. And when the light hits it, it feels very heavenly. That's so pretty. I know. So if you're interested, if this is something that you would like for your own loved one, spiritpieces.com forward slash every widow thing so they know that you heard about it through us is a great option for for you and for your loved one. We hope you check it out.
Hey guys, Whitney here and I'm about to share some information with you that can make a very stressful situation super, super easy. Talking about buying or selling a home, I have the perfect realtor for you. Her name is Meredith Slauser. She's a real estate agent based out of LA, but she has teams all over the world. So if you're not in that LA area, you can still give Meredith a call and she can put you in the hands of an expert.
Here's the deal, all right? You want to work with someone who is knowledgeable, dedicated, trustworthy, and also a good person. You're going to be spending a lot of time with him. I was able to work with Meredith when Hunter and I were moving to Austin. She handled every portion of the sale of our home client. Satisfaction takes precedent over the transaction, if you know what I mean. Her website is Meredith
slaucer.com. Her info will be up on our every Widow thing, Instagram highlight reel under sponsors. And if you do end up calling Meredith or reaching out to her, please let her know that you heard it here on every widow thing. And now back to the episode. There's a phrase energy. Flows where attention goes.
So if you're sitting with someone in there just going down deep into their whatever their victim mentality or their husband or they're complaining or whatever, that's just growing that, you know, it feels good for a second. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like to complain, you know? But after a while I realized we're just both working ourselves up into a frenzy and there's nothing positive that's going to come from that. So then you have to flip it
around. But. I think there's a lot of women out there. I mean, not to speak to the Barbie movie, but I guess, yes, Speaking of the Barbie movie, Barbie movie, the America Ferrera, you know, right. I think we all probably were there in that, you know, with our kids. I mean, I was class parent and doing the brownies and the soccer. You know, Frank was coaching the soccer team and we were still like also social. We were throwing parties at our house.
I mean, we had all the things that you have when you're involved in a community and you have kids and you're social. But I think, you know, you mentioned earlier when something like this happens and you are, you've lost your partner and you're down, your capacity is just halved, right? And I had to really get over other people's perception of me.
You know, like, am I still, you know, working out five days a week and in a book club and, you know, doing all the things with the kids and planning the big birthday parties? And I was no longer that person. I just couldn't do that anymore. And I think you have to like, reframe people's expectations. And that was kind of hard. I felt like people would think less of me or devalue me in some way. And now I'm just at a point where I don't really care.
I'll even say even though it's been a long time, I'll even say, you know, I'm a single mom. I'm a single parent. I can't get to all the different activities and be as involved or chairing the events or whatever it is that people are maybe expected from the past. And that's not their fault. They're just they just know you from. They're thinking about their own stuff, yeah.
Yeah. They just think your capacity is the same and they're not thinking, wow, I wonder if her capacity is diminished by this, you know, which it absolutely is. And mine also, with my injuries and everything, mine was just completely wiped out. It's hard to come to terms with who you were then, who you are now, finding that balance and just letting people know. You know, it's not that I don't want to be involved. It's not that I don't miss book club or miss mahjong or
whatever. I don't want to help out more at the school. I do but I can't. Right. I can't set the boundaries. I love what you said about you. You're not thinking so much about what their perception is anymore. Because I think that's what keeps people from setting clear boundaries, because they're trying to control other people's thoughts about them. And one of the things that my therapist said to me that I just loved was we have our own yard.
Every person has a yard, and in that yard are the things that you can control, and they are your actions, your beliefs, your consequences, your emotions, and your coping skills. If you're trying to control any of these things for someone else, you're out of your yard. And that I have come back to so many times because why am I doing this? Am I doing this because I want them to feel something? Well, then I'm not going to do it. Therapist had a similar analogy about people's piles of shit.
All right. She was like, is that Margaret? Here's, yeah, she was like, here's your pile of shit. It's huge. Like you're you're. OK, Kira, you need. A pile of shit. And she's like, then there was some things going on in my life with some other people that were trying to get me to help out with their pile of shit, like, go over. And so she was like, before you get involved every time you're like, is that my pile of shit or is that her pile of shit?
Right. And can I be supportive in like, I really hope you know you've got a great shovel and I'm here cheering you on while you shovel shovel your pile of shit, but I'm not going to shovel your pile of shit for you. Right. Because I'm over here with mine. Right. Yeah, you know, what's I? Maybe that's a gross image. No, we love it. Well go, Margaret. We like. I don't think about. It I'm still like, if I get drawn into something, I'm still like, that's not my pile of shit, yeah. I'm.
Finding the hardest thing to like if you know the CS Lewis, I think I put that out on Instagram. That's kind of been my focus the last several years. Is that what is your purpose? Like, for the longest time it was to raise my kid. And now that he's grown, I mean, he's 19, so he's sort of grown. But the next thing is, is that what we're doing now is helping other widows. But we've all talked about this, like, how far do you go with, with your mission? Like, you have to set boundaries
around that too. Because first and foremost, I mean, we still are single parents. We still only have so much energy. And if you have a job, you have to give them a certain amount of energy and you have to put boundaries around those people and the people that I always respected, which is one of the reasons why I married Oliver's that in business he would leave at 6:00 at work no matter what. Bye, bye. I'm going home to my family and I'm going to eat dinner with my
family. I'm going to bathe my kid. He would log back in because he did do startup tech. So you can't just have a nine to five job. But every night they knew he was leaving. So they got to the point where they would wave and they're all still coding and doing their things and all the engineers that that worked with him and but he set that boundary early on at every job he had and and he never offered excuses and I thought God why can't I be more like him?
You posted something recently, Kira, that I just loved so much and I feel like it goes into the Boundaries arena because you just redid your a room in your house. It looks so good so. Good and I got. Teary I realize it's very white, no? I kind of like. So refreshing. No, it's beautiful. So. That's a boundary right there, because that room could have been many different things. Can you talk about it a little bit for those people? Yeah, sure.
And I mean the interesting thing about that is my fiance who also has his own business was like, well, where am I going to work because he's transitioning into my home. And initially we were going to share that space. And then as it started to kind of come together, I was like, I don't a, I don't think us sharing an office is a good idea and BI think this is going to be my space. And he was very cool about it and was like, I could see that now that that is the best solution.
Give a background on the room you had out. You were living in there after the car accident as well? Yes. So it's a first floor den space and all the bedrooms are upstairs in my house and I could not walk. I think I was non weight bearing for like 16 weeks or 15 weeks. And so I did get out of the hospital, was dying to get home and see my kids. But I was in a hospital bed and a wheelchair and then all various and sundry things, which some of my friends observed me
going through. Like there was a Walker at one point and then they wanted me to have a cane, which I refused. I've refused the cane. Yeah. So after my second child went to college, he was the big, you know, gaming guy. And Thomas went to college and I was like, we got to do something with this disgusting room. It's just. And my desk was in my bed, was in the master bedroom. And that's not really a very productive place to have my workspace. That's where my. Lives, right?
There, that's where mine is. And I just decided yeah. Was there any emotion behind redoing it or? Not until I started to look back at those photos from that time and just what a difficult time that was. It kind of pulled up some some stuff, but I am just thrilled to have a room of my own. So I. Know it made me want to do so. I know, I was like. Not everyone has homes that are that big, but it's it's been a
game changer. Right, well it's setting up a boundary like a physical boundary too, of like This is where my work takes place. I wish I'd done it sooner, but I also appreciate the not getting around to it because it is and then it is still a work in progress. I don't really have much on the walls and I'm still getting my paperwork organized, but just to have something very clean and Zen, and the piles are at least kind of hidden away in that cabinet. It's inspiring.
I mean, just looking at the picture made me want to get organized and do some work. All right, So we've talked about boundaries with family. Do we friends? We kind of touched on, I guess, briefly saying you don't have to take on their piles of shit. What about boundaries with like your fiance and he's moving into your home and I don't know, and even boundaries dating. Yeah, boundaries around dating.
Yeah, I had a recent date, a couple of dates with different people, and the boundary conversation came up very quickly. And I did that on purpose because I think there have been times in my life I was on there just having fun. And now I'm dating with intention not to marry because I don't know about that. That means the person, right? I don't decide I'm going to get married till I find the person, but I am going to date with intention, meaning I'm not wasting my time, just have
someone to go out with. I have plenty of friends, males and females to go play with, so I'd rather date with intention. So I tell them on the front end so that they know. I find that's better because I'm not wasting my time in there. So I had to have that conversation on a a second date of that. I'm a relationship person. I'm looking for a relationship. I would rather wait and have the right one than to be with the wrong one. I That's just me. So how was this boundary
received? Yeah, really. Well, yeah, it came up in a way that because they they're in a different place than I am in terms of its divorce and its recent. And I've been a widow obviously 12 1/2 years and I waited three years to date. So and I said, you know, I understand. I said basically, I understand with people need time to figure
it out. I'm OK with someone figuring it out, but there's probably not going to be a romantic, a real true romantic relationship until I feel like we're on the same page. And what did he say? And like, first of all, did you write something out ahead of time? No, I just spoke from the heart. I think that the truth is your truth is what matters. This is where I am. So if you're not in that same place, it's probably not going to work.
You'll know on the front end and it gets you out of things quicker than than you know. And I don't judge people's as soon as your husband's dead, you're free to date at any point in time in my mind. If you want to do it a day after, that's up to you. I had to take time because I it grossed me out number one. But now you know this many years in, I'm dating with intention, meaning that if I go out with you, I must like you a little bit.
Took me a long time to figure it out and my dating is like, it's better to be upfront with them. Don't don't go just because you feel bad about it, right? You're wasting the main time. You're wasting your time. And also in the beginning, I remember Whitney told me if you go on a date and you get home and you know it's not a match, tell them. And I did that like the very first date I went on. And waste anybody's time. Took me a long time to figure.
I was super nice. I was going out on 2nd and 3rd dates just because I like was trying to be. Right, because you hide trying to get in their pile of shit and controlling. Their yard, their their pile of shit. And they I would sit through the date with my wine while they, like, talked about their divorce and complained about their ex-wife. And then? I felt like it, though. I mean, because you kind of want something to do. You go through phases. I mean, like, right now, I'm
really. I had that one day that I didn't go on. But I'm really not dating. I'm not on the apps because I'm. Too. Busy. Yeah. It's like graduation season and something every weekend right now, so I need to get through this and. Yeah. And that's so good. I think sometimes it's hard to set a boundary. If you think I oh, that's going to push things back for me, like and then I I'm going to lose time or or I'm going to miss out
on something. And so you say, oh, I'll just go ahead and do it, even though everything in your body is saying, no, don't do. It, yeah, I think we've all been through that FOMO of like, well, if I go off the app, maybe I'll miss out on like the man of my right, the man of my dreams the same. People are going to be there in a year. So. That is a perfect point, the Holly just said. Did y'all hear that? The same people. The same people are going to be there.
Well, it is good to talk about the boundaries. You're dealing with so much emotion and you're feeling already like you're a burden to people maybe or you're always the one that needs something. So you are more willing to take on for other people as like a payback or something. That's absolutely the at a wrong time, you should be taking full advantage of setting those boundaries and saying I cannot do this and I and you know, you could just stop there because no
is a full sentence. But the truth is you're dealing with things that people can't even see emotionally. And like you said, Lacey, it doesn't end. It does get less often, but we're always going to have moments where that grief comes back in and those boundaries are going to protect us. So I'm proud of you, Holly, for not not opening up your home to everyone. That's hard to That is very hard. I think we all just have to, me included in the world.
Even with, like our grief. We have to be more grace giving to other people too. Yeah, like they're going through their own, what is it? Their own yard, their own pile of shit? They've got theirs too. So when dating, it's almost easier that if I think that way, if I think, wow, they probably have their own crap they're
dealing with. It may not be a death, but I'm sure by this age, by the time you're in your 50s, you've had enough life and enough stuff with your kids that they've got their own stuff they're dealing with. So maybe just not be so. I mean, I've had to teach myself that because there's a lot of anger that comes from grief and you can be angry that everybody else is not having to deal with the death or they're not having to deal with this or.
And then I realized it may not be a death, but I bet you they got something that is. Everywhere, yeah. I've also had to set boundaries with like conversations with people, neg any negative energy. I can't. I can't take it. So I try to limit y'all y'all agree. Yeah, I don't pick up the phone. I don't want to be shoveling their shit, and that was
happening to me a lot. People were leaning on me with their problems and I wasn't AS maybe because I had been there for them in the past and I wanted to be, but then I had to stop and say what's more important here? You know, I've got to protect this so I can protect my kids. And I had to really. That was a huge moment for me where I was like, you know what? I don't have to be everyone's
therapist. That was a huge boundary for me as I don't, and I'm still saying it, especially now with kids in college, I don't have to fix this. That is a boundary that I'm really working on and that goes into play with friends like they want to be. They want me to be the therapist or whatever. And I will say me not sometimes, no, everybody, we all do it. But the boundary is. A lifetime membership. I'm not answering Holly's call. I don't know.
I don't have to pick up, but also, and I do this a lot with my family members, I will pick up, but I am quiet, which is very hard for me, as you all know. And instead of going well because my my family's nature is to go well, you know what you should do. Or well, let me tell you how to fix this And instead I sit and I just go, wow, yeah. Oh, that sounds that sounds hard. I'm not going to bring in the burden of trying to sort through someone else's shit.
But it's also hard when you're talking to someone like I'm trying to get over needing validation on all my choices, which I'm I'm, I'm working real hard on, but well. You've lost your main validator. I know when Frank died, he was
my main validator. And he was probably and you know, going through making just, I mean like even starting the podcast and then helping my kids make their choices, what, you know, what college they're going to or whatever it is and and like having someone on the other side, like, well, why are you doing that, like questioning me and making me question myself? Don't get that? Yeah, and again, as a single
parent, it's only you. I mean, it's not you and your spouse talking to your kids about what college they should go to or what vacation y'all should take or what house renovations you should do. It's no longer you and your partner. It's now just you. It's all on you. So when things go sideways or maybe mistakes are made, you're like, it's all my fault. And I think that's scary. Yeah, but it is what it is.
And also we have to remember that even if it was the wrong decision, most of the time it's not. I mean, it's not life or death, you know, If your intention is kindness, loving, it doesn't matter how they receive it. There's a worry that you're going to hurt their feelings. When I told my mom that I didn't need her to live with me anymore, I was so heartbroken because I broke her heart. But my intention was not that, you know?
So when you set your boundaries, whatever they are always be and and the decisions that you're making. Think about what's my intention? To help? To be loving, To be kind. So whatever the outcome is, your intention is all you could control. Just to what Holly was saying, like, I also felt like I lost my the person that validated me, you know, that if I said, hey, I think I'm going to go back to Graduate School or I think I'm going to take this job or start this, you know, business.
My husband was the one that was like, I think that's a great idea. You know, how can I help you with that? Or, you know, you're really good at this. Why don't you try, you know, try this instead? And when you lose your validator and then you're just on your own and you're in charge of these
humans if you have kids. And a lot of us parents, unfortunately, how our kids are doing is like we take that as a direct reflection of what we've done and our parenting and whatever mistakes or good things that we've done. That all gets so much harder because you're you're sort of looking over your shoulder like, well, who am I going to ask? Why? It's just me. It seems like it's gotten harder and maybe it's just because. The age, you know, the age of our children.
But we like in early days. Like the early days. That sounds stupid, but in the beginning, I was like, I don't care what anybody thinks. I'm going to do this for me and my kids and I don't care what you think. Yeah, for some reason. Now I care. I know, but now we're not in survival mode. Anymore, but also right after an event like that, a traumatic event, everything that's unimportant falls away. It literally strips you down to what is important.
And then sadly, that lesson starts to get. The life starts to come back in, they pile in and and you start to forget those first real important lessons that you learn from losing somebody. Well, and also I feel like people in general, like everything's normal now. Oh yeah, yeah. And it's still not it's. Never going to be normal. After listening to everybody here, the one thing I feel so like maybe I'm turning into Whitney. I'm feeling so. Positive need to we. Only need 1/1.
Is. Enough, plenty everywhere. I'm feeling, you know what? I from all of us, especially you, Holly. I feel like, look at the decisions that we've all had to make hard decisions from 7 years up. And our kids are doing well. We're doing well. And I know we have our moments we had. So does everybody else. And I'm thinking we did it down a man. I mean, I'm feeling pretty good about like, don't. Doesn't that give you confidence? It does me. That's what helps with my
boundaries. The the harder things I've gone through, the better boundaries I've built because I feel like the worst has already happened. So I liked the guest, the traveling guest that we had on here. Tiffany. Tiffany. She said it so well. And I wish I could quote it like right here. But when she was talking about I might as well go and do it. The fear, heck, it's already happened, right. We. Did everything right and he. Died.
He still died, Yeah. And into hyper vigilance mode of keeping everything perfectly clean because I was just sure that that's how he died with bacteria. So I thought, well, bacteria is everywhere. I mean, come on, that was not what caused it. We'll probably never know. But crazy things happen. So the hyper vigilance things have started to fade away. The control is still somewhat they're like people that you're controlling about this and this. That's just so we can feel like
we have control over something. But the reality is we they died anyway. There is no control, So you might as well just try to let it happen. Do the best you can. Put your time limit at 5:00 for work, because I've been working all hours of the night and I thought, whatever for? You're not even making millions of dollars. Why are you working that hard? And I thought, that's silly. I'm making myself crazy over someone. If I died tomorrow, they'd be like up next. Who wants the next job?
And boundaries come into play there too, because a lot of people try to set boundaries, try to control other people, when really the boundaries are about what you are going to do. And the only thing you have control over is your own pile of shit. Your own yard.
I have a teenage daughter now who, you know, she's in that phase of life where it's well, my friends this and my friends that and this parent and that parent and this teacher and and I'm always just kind of pulling her back and saying, you know, we don't care about that. We don't. I know you care about that, but I don't care about what the friends are doing for spring break or going to this party or what boys they're kissing and like, let's just let's. I don't want to know that I would.
I would be curious about the boys bring. It back. Let's talk about that. And on that note, we want to thank you for listening and please go follow us on social media. If you are listening to the podcast but you have not yet subscribed as a follower, please go do that right now over 40. I think it was. 49% of our listeners are listening every week, but they have not followed the podcast and we need you to be a follower of the podcast. It doesn't cost anything.
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