This is every widow thing. OK, welcome back everyone, to another episode of Every Widow Thing. Today we're going to be talking about holidays. I know, Obvious, obviously. We. Are we going to talk about the holidays? Wait, what? We are going to revisit kind of what we're, you know, I think we touched on an earlier episode how we tackled holidays in the beginning after our husbands
died. Now we're checking in on where we are and how the holidays look a little bit different with big kids, a summer at home, some are coming home from college. And just how things shift a little bit when, you know, maybe you're not doing the Elf on the Shelf anymore or I actually, or maybe people are doing the Elf on the Shelf. I don't know. I. Bring mine out, OK. Mine. Mine is now in my wreath. I'd never heard of it until I
moved here. So we do like the German traditions that put the boot out in early December and then he gets the boot, but but you fill it with treats. Yeah, so it's a whole. Tradition I. Remember that, hearing that? Story Put the candles on the tree. I was crazy with I didn't want the Elf on the Shelf. At all. Because I was like I already got too much on my. Plate. A lot of. Extra. But then social media, I was seeing all the hilarious things that people were doing with
their elf. And I was like, oh, I'm in. And so I went a little. Off, Yeah. I would think you would love. It off the trails. And then I would ask Hunter occasionally, like, would you just, you know, hide the elf for me? And the next morning it would be just like upside down in in the kitchen and I'm like really? Or is it a bottom of a bottle?
Yeah, that. Social media kind of screwed it up for me too, because some nights I just was tired and I didn't want to do an elaborate something rather and I would just move her around and the kids would be like her Elvis. Boring. She doesn't do anything. She just moves from room to room and I'm like, OK, she's. Tired. Toby was pretty creative. We, Toby, had the creative ones and I was the one that just moved them around. I put mine.
I thought it would be great to put it in one of the lights that's on the stairwell. So, like, it's hiding in the light on the stairs, and then someone turned the light on and then we're all sitting in the den like, and I'm like, what is that smell? My elf was burning and I had to run and grab it, but it was great because then I put the elf in the freezer to heal for a couple nights and I didn't have to move her. Went to the trauma unit.
Yeah, and then I just wrapped her up with bandages. Oh my God. And then, yeah, it's a great. Story very end of our of Jolly's tenure. I was still. I was still doing it for my youngest Karas and the big kids would kind of get involved sometimes. And there was 1 fateful night where, I mean, she was already kind of too old, but we were still going through the charade and so it was in her room. Jolly was in her room and I had been out, you know, probably
with you guys drinking. Having some holiday tear. And I, you know, get home and I'm like, Oh my God, the elf. And so I like stagger into her room and I thought I was being quiet, but I go, and it was literally like a freeze frame, like I'm moving the elf and she wakes up.
And they're like. And I just, like, dropped it and I just, and she goes back to sleep and I'm like, oh, I don't think she saw it. Sure enough, at breakfast, it was like, I had this dream that you were in my room moving the elf around. And I was like, what? Talking about girl. Have these kids had to have therapy over this yet? No, but that's how we ended. That's how Jingle ended. Her reign over Christmas was I decided that it would be cute to have her in Campbells room and
she toilet papered it his room. We did that. He was so freaked out that the that the elf was in his room. He was like, you got to get her out, See you can. See how they would be like that? Lighter did that. It's almost so scary and. Then, but I don't like. That just like looking around or doing other things in the bathroom. Santa is coming down. The chimney writer was really little and that really freaked
him out. He was like, mom, we've been burning the fire, he's going to come down the chimney. And so I was like. And you're like, yeah, yeah, magic. Some, some kids, they don't. But yeah, he worried about. Like the footprints of the ashes from the Santa would move the the the fireplace. Screen. Screen and leave a little. Boot for that. People did it outside. I've learned all of this since moving to Texas.
I'm a little. I think it's harder now, especially because there's not that quote UN quote magic from the little kids anymore. I find it a little more difficult to bring around the holiday cheer. Yeah, I think it looks different. I think the one thing that I just wanted to say at the start of the episode is that, you know, when you're widowed, the holidays are every year. They come around all the time.
It's not something that you kind of get over or through or past, and especially when you have your kids full time every year it is. It's like, what's the plan? And I know many of us start to think about it, even in the summer. We're like, OK, you know what is Christmas going to look like? What's Thanksgiving going to
look like? Maybe for some of you out there, you know things have shifted a little bit with your in laws or maybe you're still with your in laws or I know Frank and I used to kind of trade off and all of that obviously changes when the make up of your core family changes.
And so, you know, here we are 12:00 and 9:00 and 5:00 and seven years later still kind of grappling with what it's going to look like, you know, when our kids come back from college and how are we going to spend time together and so. I I it is interesting about the in laws and it's something that you really have to be mindful of still including them sometimes. I can't be doing Christmas with my side of the family every
year. You know it's not if I'm if I get along with my in laws and I'm trying to include them you know you want to make sure that you give them some time and. Get them all together. No, I have. Maybe once. I think the first Thanksgiving after Hunter died, we did get everybody together. We did too. But after that again my family is loud and can kind of take the attention and and and they saw my family more so I. All of them are.
Now they're here now. Now. His parents moved here, I can't remember when. And that was another thing that I was like, uh, when they first said we're going to move here, we're going to move closer to you, I was really against it. I didn't tell them that at the time, but I was nervous that I was going to have to take on their grief. It was going to be too much for me just. Protecting yourself and your emotional capacity. Right, but ended up being great.
You know, mine was in Germany and right, you know, and my parents were in Mississippi and and Oliver liked having it at our house. He was like, I'm tired of always going somewhere else for Christmas, but with only three people now down to two, it just didn't feel like Christmas to me if there weren't a lot of people around.
So it's always challenging that, you know, some Christmases, we would go to Germany and that always felt a little bit sad for me. And then that he would go to my house and like yours, it's it's chaos. We have a lot of people that come to our Christmases. It's not as much like that anymore.
I wish it was. People and and this just happens when you're first a widow and young children, people are keeping you in their thoughts and they're like, oh, we should include them or we should invite them to this or that or help with the kids or come over on Christmas Eve and put together stuff. But as the years go on you're not always in the forefront of people's minds and the holidays is hard for most, a lot of people that don't have loss. It's just can be a difficult time.
So to as the widow, I think it's important to feel comfortable to just say hey, could I be included or hey, which is a little bit awkward but people aren't thinking about it. And lots of times if you say, hey, do you mind if we tag along, then people would be like, Oh my gosh, of course. But it's because they're they have their own stuff. Like I've I poured out all my stuff to you guys the other night. But I mean, everybody's busy. I know what I'm telling you. You A, you get it.
But B, there's no one, there's no one there going to save me. It's just not that's that's on you. So we have to be realistic about that. I think some of our viewers, and whether this makes it in there or not, but I've noticed that they think we're out partying all the time together. And like, it's not like that. We do the best we can, but we're all busy jobs and you know, so it's not like every time something comes up you're being rescued because that's just not happening.
I don't want them to feel like they're the only ones that are alone, because they're not. I feel that way a lot of the time and it's something that I have to learn to sit in, you know, and I do something about it some of the time. I don't know about how you guys feel, but there are a lot of times I wish, gosh, I wish someone would come and rescue that, but that's just that's just not the way the world
works. I think that, at least for me, sometimes I'm like, oh, I don't want to bother them, this is their family time too. And oh, I don't want to be a downer, blah, blah blah. But if you never ask, then you'll never know. Yeah, I mean, at some point you don't have to sit at home feeling alone. And and I don't necessarily think that it's rescuing. It's just, hey, I want to be around people, hey. So what does it look like in terms of the big kids Holly?
Like because you've got two, you know, one coming home from college and he's got a serious girlfriend. Like, I've already started to have anxiety over when that happens and. When to include her? No. No, no, no. When they when my boys want to go be with their girlfriends and. You know, I was like, you just need to invite first. Usually the girl's house they can. Be. I guess it can be like that, yeah.
Yeah. When they get married, even more so. Well, and that's one thing that honestly, I used to get upset about with Hunter's mom because she didn't have daughters. She had two boys and she learned early on to assert herself and I would get a little annoyed, but now I totally understand because if you don't, then you get pushed aside because the woman's family, the wife's family does, kind of. Yeah. I have a little more access. Same with us. That's how it. Was, yeah.
So you got to set it up. That's why you start planning what your holiday is going to be like in the summer. Well, I always get in like in around October, I'm like us kind of start spiraling and like, why am I in a bad mood and I end up back in therapy. It's this time of year and then everyone's like, what are we doing for Christmas? What are we doing for Thanksgiving and? I don't think it helps that I was in Target a week of Halloween trying to buy some Halloween stuff and it's already
all. Now Costco there. Isn't even. There's like maybe 1 Turkey flower. They've skipped over Thanksgiving completely. Yes, it's already Christmas, it's October, and here in Austin it's warm. It's like 80° out and it's all Christmas in there and then. Yeah, like if you're already worried about it, it's like, well, hurry up and get your tree up now and keep going and. People start posting pictures of. The. Christmas tree. Just have a second, like we're still.
In Hyde Park, they just leave the lights up all year round. They don't have to worry about that seasonal thing. We. Still. Come on, like my. Kid was going trick or treating like in the that week and then it was all Christmas. I couldn't find. I was trying to find like a little outfit for the dogs for Halloween I should have. Been doing that back in June I. Should have been doing that in like July, yeah. What's wrong with you?
You're terrible. That's why I like traditions like, OK, every Christmas Eve we have a family, get together. I think it's nice that you have them all here in that way. I do because that's. A lot. That's your house. Yeah, you can. You know, mine just changed almost every year. Like there's not been that is since Oliver died. There's not been a traditional anything. Like I know Kira's real big on the trips. I did that in the early days and then it just was too.
It felt daunting like I had to start in June or July and I was like, get this. So I finally started just simplifying. And then I realized writer was just happy to, you know, see family a little bit and then just be at home and relax. He was enjoying just relax. He's just like his dad that way. I wanted more fun, like, I needed more like activity because that's what I grew up with. But I've had to learn to adapt
almost yearly. It's really not, it's not something I look that much forward to. And I try to remember what is the reason for the season, OK, that I got to readjust my focus. But at the same time, you know, when you're seeing all the ads on TV in the Hallmark TV shows, it's just like, oh God, just, I'm trying not to be one of those that just get me through it, but I don't want to just be get through the season. It's been 12 years now.
I should be really trying to just savor every moment, but it's very hard. I think there's a lot of pressure of like. Absolutely. And I think everyone feels that way. I think all mothers feel that way, don't you? Didn't you feel that way before your husband's died? I. Felt I have been talking. About this, yeah. It's like we it was nice to have help like when Toby was here. And like it was like, let's put the tree up, let's pour you know, I still. Do. Why not?
Why not have that? I know it's just different that. Yeah, you're the only one drinking. You're the only adult. No, not that one. But I mean, no, We're all drinking. The dog included. Dogs are drinking. No dogs are. Fish. I mean, they'll put a few ornaments on the tree, but I mean, it's daunting getting the fake tree out of the closet and
putting it together. And then half the lights don't come on and I'm like, damn it, but you know, like I just, you know, then you're like stressed about the lights and then the lights are the hardest, then they. It's a two person job, boys. Give up, but you don't have the husband. It's like I'm going to run in the hardware store and do this and and then also like Christmas shopping, it's like. It's it. Was it was a tattoo thing? It's easier now.
I I feel like with older kids than it was like getting toys. And your expectations a little bit. They don't just like you said, especially the college kids. I think they're excited to just come home, be home and see their. Crook and like do their laundry. They want to sleep in. They want to see their. Friends, I don't want to cook. I was trying to carry on traditions, like everybody getting together to decorate the
tree together. And this was even after, you know, Frank passed away, like I was like, we're all going to have a night. And then it just gets harder and harder when your kids are in activities and sports and theater and whatever it is to get that night planned. And so I don't know, maybe it was like just last year or the year before, I just did the tree. Like, I just decorated it and did the whole thing and the kids were like, wait, we didn't get to you know?
And I I have been trying to get you guys to put an ornament on for three years. Well, I could have Rider decorate it when he was little. I let him. It was, I guess he was right after Oliver died. So he was six. I let him do it. All the ornaments were like the bottom quarter. Of his church. All the way around. It was so sweet, but I was like, wow, that tree looks goofy. It's a little heavy, they. Were all on the bottom. Because I've always done a lot of not a live tree, a real tree.
Me too. So you. Can't have that thing for weeks on it because it just starts to look real dried out and. Well, looks freeze dried. And the pine needles and the all of it. So I try to get mine kind of closer too. So it's sort of fresh, but I guess if you. Think it's time for I. Do it in the week after. I do it a couple of days after Thanksgiving and it really does. I just really watered it a lot. But it does look bad. I It's made it every year till new.
By New Year's, though, I'm like Nobody strike a match in the House. Seriously going. Y'all keep it up until. Yeah, well, writers, birthdays, New Year's Day. You keep it to new. Year's Put out some birthday celebration. We always had it like all the way through New Year's. So not the not less early, early, early like going up and Thanksgiving. The tree came in later and stayed through New Year's. Christmas Day, I'm dragging that thing out to. The Christmas Day.
Maybe the day after, but by Christmas Day, you know you're throwing out all the Christmas wrap. She's swallowing. Look Christmas. Is over every. Present You have to take an ornament. Oh man, no. I just. I just feel like if it's been up that long, they've had plenty of time. Plenty of time to admire. And yeah, Christmas afternoon. What else are you going to do? You're, you know, I mean, let's wrap this stuff up. Slide out. I know. Well, that's true. I travel now. I don't know.
I've mentioned this before. I I usually travel somewhere in there. Some years we've actually left like Christmas Day. So we've opened up gifts and then flown somewhere. It's actually a great day to travel Christmas like afternoon. Although aren't the people at the airport and flying the plane grumpy? Because they're there. Everybody.
'S happy. I would love to start the tradition of traveling on Christmas Day, especially because now the kids don't need all the money I spent on toys and they don't really need anything. They're it's like I don't know about you guys, but for my kids it's like pulling teeth to get them to send me. Any ideas I? Asked for ideas yesterday and the only thing I, one of them sent me is shoes. And I'm like, well, I'll buy you shoes, but that's.
No, my daughter just asked for some panties and I was like, I'll get you that. Yeah, that. Kind of comes with. Panties and definitely will get. My job. Like. To keep you in. Space, the opposite. Now I'm like, I need because her birthday is in December and then Christmas and then Campbell's is in, so I'm like, yeah, you. Did you want a? Travel related presents when we do the trip. Like the trip is the gift, right? The big gift.
Like this year we're going to Costa Rica and I usually give, you know, like new ski goggles or like we got luggage. We did luggage one year because we went to Spain and so yeah, you just then they get little travel kind of knickknack gadgets. And we're creating a remembering. Trip you. Know that's that's gonna weigh out last some socks and panties. Except for some of my panties are pretty old, I'm just gonna tell you. Well, that'll be on the dating episode. We are gonna.
We're gonna go by think. About. It. I mean, think about it for a minute. How old are your? Bras. Fun to think about your panties. Not mine. Yours. Oh, trust me, you do. You don't want. To think about your old panties. Not mine. I meant y'all. Get back to traveling? No. Kidding anyway. Traveling could be fun because you're you're, it does feel like a little bit of escape from greed.
But I still have family. I have to see so and they don't live here, so we have to use part of that time to go and do that. Y'all doing this year, Holly, because. I'm well. My mom likes it to be like it's always been. And I don't, you know, without Toby and my dad here, it's not like it's always been. So it's really hard for me. We're going to be at our house for Christmas and then we're travelling. Oh, that's. Right, you're going to. Colorado.
Yeah, that would be nice. That's a good spot. But it's also like, I mean, we had so many amazing Christmases and all the memories were perfect. And you know, like being with at my parents or at my sister's or wherever was all perfect and great, but I want to create new memories for them to together because they're going to be with off with their girlfriends. They're going to be gone soon.
I just think the, the message that I like to give myself and to anybody listening is don't put too much pressure on yourself to create a perfect memory. I mean, we've talked about this when when I travel, I try to make it perfect and then I get cussed out on the Louvre. You know, it's like nothing is going to go according to plan. So you have to be able to just say, you know what, it's the holidays. We're going to spend time together and it is what it is. Yeah, I think you just got to
sneak in some good moments. I mean, my mom's in memory care. This will be the first. I told you guys the other day, this will be the first Christmas where my mom's not really with us and my, you know, and seeing my dad and and my sister and I are going to all be there, but it's it's it's going to be very different. It'll be very hard, but I want, I want to create as much goodness as we can. I'm just glad my son loves to. He loves them and he loves to go. And so he never pushes back.
He's always when are we going to go and he's less high maintenance. I'm so grateful. I got a kid that is not high maintenance. He doesn't require, like he doesn't have to have all this. And then we got to go here. We got to go there because I put enough of that pressure on myself. He's like, mom, it's just fine. Well, let's just chill, you know, It doesn't have to be like, you know, and Oliver was like that. So I think he was good because I grew up. My mom wanted everything.
Perfect. I don't know if you got your parents were like that, but my mom had hosted the Christmas and we had literally desserts from one end to the other, like all different kinds. And everybody came to our house. So there was always constant people and it was super fun. I just loved every bit of it. And this is just so different. It's a, you know, stark contrast. But Ryder didn't really know all of that because he was so young when his dad died. So it's been very different for
a long time. So he says I kind of like it. It's chill, everybody just hangs out and but I feel like he's missing out on lots of cousins because his cousins are all older. So I think it's the pressure we put on ourselves. We have to remember that we're not them. The kids are going to be just fine. I think, you know, I did put a lot of pressure on myself, especially when the kids were little. And I think that people just need to keep in mind, yeah, a little bit of magic goes a long
way. If you can get that elf out, you know half the week, you know. If you can remember to put a carrot by the you know at the workplace or you know, I know we haven't just. Or if you're doing Hanukkah, you know, I guess you have to do all the nights of the, I don't know, maybe you miss a night. You can't miss a night of Hanukkah. You can't miss a night of. Hanukkah. That would be like Miss Christmas Night. It's fine. Just do your best or do light 2 candles the next night.
I I mean, that was where I was at for a lot of my early grief journey. Like, you know, oh, we missed that. You know, if I'd been doing Hanukkah, I would have just lit 2 candles the next night and just move on with it because the kids aren't paying that much attention. Right. Just don't, you know, just be just be in the moment with them. Do the best you can. It doesn't have to be perfect. And yeah, and the big kids, they give you a lot of grace, you
know? I think what's been really nice watching my grow up is they have a lot of empathy for me and they have a lot of appreciation for, you know, all of those holidays that I did still, you know, provide for them and make fun. Absolutely. Still doing the gifts and the wrapping and all of it. And you have really sweet kids. That's a gift. And that's what that's my gift for the holidays. It is. Look, they appreciate, yeah, all of that. Although, do they get your gifts?
Yeah, yeah. Do you need me to have a conversation with your kids, Whitney? Ryder goes on Amazon. I mean it it took some like. There were some years when they were young where other people would take them to go back. That's what happened, right? And others would step in. And then they kind of got to a point where, like, the older one would be like, hey guys, let's all get together and get mom something.
Right. That's what, like my sister in the beginning would would text the boys and be like did you get your mom any or you want me to get something for them and but now they. They're working. They do it on their own. But I can say, you know, Holly, Kira, Whitney and mine, our kids are really nice to us. I mean, truly, that is a gift. I have some friends that are having some real issue. It doesn't mean we don't have issues with our kids. Things come up.
Of course they are human and we're human. But as a general rule, they hug us. I like saw your sons the other night, your son the other day, and he, he came over there in front of all of us and was hugging on you. And I know, I know yours better than probably anybody's, but I've seen your sons do the same thing and it's really sweet. And there are a lot of kids that give their parents a lot of trouble. So that is all the gift I need. I don't really.
I think it's nice and I'm glad my son doesn't remember that because I keep thinking hopefully it's training for his wife because she might be really mad if he doesn't give her something. But at the end of the day, I'm trying to stay in a state of gratefulness that if that's what I get, that's huge, that's going to make me cry.
Well what is like one of the things if I if I was thinking about how to take the the ho hum out of the holidays like if you're if you're down in the dumps or something is there anything that does just kind of bring Christmas cheer. And for me, we I force my kids to do karaoke because I love karaoke. So something like that. Or we used to watch Elf all the time and that's a fun that is fun. We also, I think Elf, I think home alone. All those are all good.
Yeah, have a movie night. Just little things and driving around and seeing the Christmas lights with hot chocolate. It doesn't have to be a trip to Costa Rica. It doesn't have to be although. That is. Nice. Oh listen, I would take that over hot chocolate. I feel attacked. I think doing a charity too, that's something that we've always done, Yeah, find a kit like, I'm sure appointment with your church or. Grab the family off the tree.
Yeah, and it's fun to go with your family and have the list. Yeah, and the ages of the kids you adopt A little family. I know the Statesman will have a list of families that you can adopt. Or like Blue Santa. And what better way to take you out of the Blues, Literally. That's so true. Than to do for someone who's struggling more than you are. So that in and of itself is a gift. If you're by yourself, you can also do like an open house just for your neighbors. Yeah. And invite us.
And you just put some, put some stuff in the crock pot, like some pulled pork or something, and have some mimosas and have an open house from 4:00 to 6:00. And people just stop by and, you know, eat a candy cane and drink some wine. No, no. It's a. Great idea A. Great idea. I love all of it. I think everyone, Yeah, there's no wrong answer. I mean, I think people, a lot of people go, oh, I don't ever throw parties. I threw one last November and I used to do them like every year.
And even after all over that, I always made it a thing to like, try to throw a party every year because it brings people from all the disparate sources of the people you hang out with. And a lot of my friends got to know each other and they're still hanging out, which I think is really cool.
But I think it's important to people just even if they come by for an hour, that's kind of. Yeah, well, that's the great thing about like an open house is there's not a set time and you just have your holiday music on and they're really. Easy. I should we could do a little thing where? We go to do a couple in one day. A progressive. Yeah. Yeah, progressive. Dinner. So I would encourage people. That's the other thing that you can do. If you're in a funk, get out
anyway. Don't sit in your home, just in your funk. Go look at Christmas lights. Or go walk someone over. Yeah, go walk and knock on your neighbor's door and say I'm lonely. No, don't do that. I mean, maybe do. Maybe. Not in Texas. You might get shot. That's true, Kira. You have, you know, a partner now. Does that change? I mean, I'm sure it does change the grief a little bit, but that doesn't mean you don't still get
sad or miss Frank, right? Yeah, it's super nice, but it doesn't mean that I don't still get, I don't want to say triggered, but I guess that's a good word. Like sometimes I still will have, you know obviously a memory and I do get sad and I think that's and you know something else to keep in mind. Brendan is really aware of that. He's aware that sometimes I do have some grief that bubbles up and memories that come, you know, at like with anything.
And he's very patient and understanding of that because it doesn't mean that I love him any less. It's just. Exactly you're. Still loving that other person and it's sad for me that he's missing out on his kids all grown up and all these moments in these holidays, in these special times. And you can still feel for your children as well. For yourself too. I think that's OK.
You can make space for that. But also you feel you'll always feel for your children, regardless of where your heart is. You'll always feel like they've missed out on that experience with their dad. Yeah, it's, it's you're now kind of carrying like multiple different kinds of emotions together through the holiday. And I think that's true for everyone.
I mean, I think when you have little kids, you're still, you know, even when you, if you've just lost your spouse, you're still giggling and laughing over them, opening up their presents and there's still joy in them. You know, going through the stocking and there's, you know, eating the pancakes and getting the syrup all over the pyjamas and all the things that come with it. You know, it's all it's all they're wrapped up in one like just high highly charged
emotional you know omelet. All right. Well, thanks again for listening in, you guys. We would love to actually hear from you what you think about what we're doing, what you'd like to see next, because we're always looking for how we can best serve you. So thanks again and happy holidays.