Grief is messy and I know made. This is every Widow thing. Welcome back to another episode of every 100 thing. We're so glad you're here and we hope that we can help you in some way Kyra. You had a thought earlier, I was thinking about the purpose of the podcast and what we can offer people and these two words have kind of my head resource and reprieve, mmm because I think Think we're a resource.
If unfortunately you're going through this and it's also a reprieve because we laugh a lot and we try and find the humor in difficult things. And it carries us through and it gets us to the other side. I feel like one of my coping skills is humor. I'm curious because I think I know the answer. But, is that one of your coping skills Cara, 100%. For me, I mean, I like to joke, It's A coping mechanism for sure.
After the accident, I was in the car car accident, I was in the hospital for weeks and I've joked a lot with the staff. I was also on a lot of drugs. I mean yeah. It was definitely a way to push aside difficult things that I wasn't ready to face. And yeah it's not always the best way. It's a deflector right. What about you Holly? Absolutely. I was joking in the funeral home. Oh, really, maybe I should save that for a later. I know I would love to hear that joke.
Now, Toby was cremated and I was asked, which box I wanted to put them in and how much and then I asked, how much was the box and I said, is there a cheaper box? Because he ain't cares, told there's a pine box for $100 and I said, I will take that one because Toby would Want me to spend money. Actually, my dad spent the money on it, but he would not have wanted to spend money on a box that was burned. All right, I'm going to buy this box and burn it.
We all like, it had a roomful of like my dad, my sister, my brother-in-law and lots of friends, and we all agreed Toby would not spend money on a box to burn, right that that's where it started. Yeah. I love it. They see that. Toby, I know all of our hubby's would have been such good friends. I think they would have been very different to like us. Yeah. So Lacey. I, I mean, I feel your humor all the time. You say you're not funny but I think you're hilarious. Mine's dark.
I think it's weird or I don't know, maybe. But you guys get it. We all have such dark jokes. I remember in the hospital when he was, he was only there for a day but he was in the hospital in a coma.
And only one of my friends was there and recently, she and I got together because we were talking about this podcast and I said, can you just finally tell me exactly what happened that day in the hospital room and I remembered bits and pieces of it, because it was so fast, it was less than 24 hours or less than 12 actually. And she said, I remember one thing you did, that was just odd and funny.
But so you, he was in the bed, obviously, a hospital bed and he was in a coma, the Priest was on the other side who subsequently died, six months later, which is really odd. Oh my God, we were very close the priests tonight because he had kind of a sick sense of humor, too, which is why I
really liked him. And so he was sitting on the opposite side, I was on the opposite side, we were kind of an Oliver was in the middle and I lifted up the sheet and it's like I still has a nice ass, he was in a coma and I think the nurses, the doctors collectively Like something is wrong with this woman because the whole day I've been hysterical and throwing up and uh and then all of a sudden that weird thing came out of me and I don't know and I remember my therapist
telling me sound like I'm from La for sure. Therapy is very important, it is very important. But I remember her telling me. If you can laugh in the dark times, I know you're going to be okay. And all of us I've seen all of us laughter the dark times. That's how I know we're going to be okay. Yeah, that's so true. How long have you been a widow then? In 11 years, 11 years and three months. But who's counting? You're celebrating our 10th year wedding anniversary in Vegas.
He was on a tech trip. That's poignant. We were celebrating our 10-year wedding anniversary and yeah he died before we could go on the trip. That was so like days before when I had been to Vegas since you haven't no do you think you have to? Well at least I'm probably missing them but no missing. A but I'm just glad this is kind of sick, but I'm glad at least dotted home. What if he'd been in Vegas?
I have that exact same thought about how hard ya, Frank was on a business trip and New York the night before and he arrived, he literally arrived home in Austin. Got in bed with me. Okay, well well let's just stop like I don't have to talk about that. It's not Okay. That's, I will come back to later because I have regretted the fact that we like, really just fell asleep because we had to get up at 5:00 4:30. Yeah. Isn't it crazy when we think about the amount of time that
it's been? Since we saw them or heard their voice, he's been gone as long as I knew. Him. That's what a that just Gail. Yeah, yeah. Like that. No, I remember when Hunter died, thinking I've known, I've, he's been in my life longer than he liked, was not in my life. So guys, we're both night to yeah, we met at 19. Yeah, so it was a gift, it was a blessing to have him there for so long versus you and Oliver only got 10 years. But let's compare know we always my thing.
That's right, we can't compare. And the truth is, if we're going to compare, And then you go down another road of like well somebody only got one year or somebody or someone never got this grief. Yeah exactly. Minimizing somebody's does not bring them back. It actually won't Garner you friendship either and it's all hard that I know not going to come back. It doesn't matter how cardless. I think each one of us has different challenges as a result of what happened.
Yeah, but I don't sit around comparing it. That's not and and and, and you're so right, it doesn't matter. And Holly you just said, To it doesn't matter how long you were married or how long you had with them if you only had one day with the love of your life and then they were gone. That doesn't mean the grief is
any less or anymore. It's like, it's just different, it's just different, but it's still very, very intense, its intense and even this is something that I didn't realize until I own husband died, because I had some friends that hat and, and And you were probably this friend for a lot of people. They see they lost their husband and like five years and people are like, okay, you're still
celebrating his birthday. You're still talking about your anniversary like they don't get it, you know. Yeah but the truth is it doesn't matter how long it's been some days. It feels like it was yesterday. It's also the father of our children true. Don't forget that. I mean some of mine were from no They're all from hands. A lot of details about everybody's story. I had don't even know. Yeah. And why do you think that is?
I think because when we get together, the last thing we want to focus on is the dark stuff, but we do touch on it but we don't go back out and eat our right. When we get to get many times we get together, we just want to escape and have fun, but yeah, it is nice to take a break. I don't know that you and I Kira ever went through every gory
detail. I don't think that's something I ever do. Very I did EMDR, so I could forget it. Hey, I mean, I've told it so many times, but I feel like I definitely shared with Holly. Probably that first time you did and I'll never forget Toby and I were like, This is an eye for boating. Like, I feel like we were, everyone's nightmare in a lot of ways and we also probably thought it doesn't happen to us. You never think it's gonna happen to you, right ever.
Thought was gonna happen to me me either and then it did. So you never think? And I kind of now we hate it, when people say why me and I'm like, why not you yeah. Why not you? Well and that's something that that's that's a victim thought versus coming from a place of strength. I feel like, yeah, if Sit in the. Why me? Why me? Look, it it is you. So I just got a million now, I used to stay means that you're better than our. You're not supposed to have
everything, right? Terrible happened to you, right? So I am and then wire. No, that isn't. This is my issue with the term. Blessed hashtag blessed. You are until something bad happens. Bad stuff, happens, everybody. No I think you are blessed in spite of that. I think they're There were blessings inside this trauma. One of them is meeting the three
of you, that is a blessing. Now, you know, I'm sure if someone said look, do you want to hang out with Holly Lacey and Kara, or do you want your husband back at be like bye Bitches Only times that about how like our husbands but I probably would have all gotten along. Yeah. I could have been couple friends because I was married to someone totally opposite for I've you but you but I feel like in a way We are a little opposite.
Yeah, that's why means, right, if I wonder how they do, you would have been better friends with are my husband and I would have connected Whitney. You would have connected more with Toby. Yeah. But here's the she's nosy but no, because I don't want to have to compete with someone for the attention in the room. True I would have been better friends, I don't, you feel like I've become a little more extrovert and he was the
extrovert and that I think. Think is another thing that will address in this podcast has changed how it changes you, and sometimes as crazy as it sounds for the better, it doesn't mean that you wouldn't have gotten there even if your husband had lived. But I do believe that it pushed us to be different and and that has given us a blessing, but I have a little story, I was just talking to my mother and my dad
has recently had foot surgery. He's, he's been kind of out of commission and she was like, oh my God. I never realized like how you know, much. I relied on him getting up every morning and making the coffee now that like, he's laid up like I have to get up and get out of bed and go make the coffee. And I said, gosh mom, you know, that's one of the things I really noticed after Frank died because he always got up made the coffee.
And even when we were first dating and living in New York City, he would get up, we were in this tiny apartment. Won't he would take the grinder into the bathroom and grind the beans so that it didn't wait. I mean, I'm like, how old, how long were y'all married again and then? Well, we were just seeing other. We were living in sin and New York at that point. I said I get it mom. Like I miss just having someone make the coffee.
It's the little things that you miss Italy and we just had this moment. She was just like, I'm so glad your dad's It is better. Not like because now my papi you know what now I make the coffee. You know? Like I yeah you learn how to make the cough. Got up and started making the coffee. Well he didn't make that person was gone, he was a good guy
with. That was not being you do get strength in suffering and I think we all would agree that we feel like we could handle whatever comes our way at this point. Don't you think? I think we Have handled we have but even moving forward. I just really in the core of my being now know that, you know what, whatever happens next got it. It doesn't mean I won't be sad. It doesn't mean it won't hurt, but I will fucking handle it. And that is a gift and you hashtag blessed. You have to.
Yeah, you have no choice. Although we say that. Well, you actually do have a choice. You do have a just chose the one. That's exactly, exactly. Agreed. All right, so that kind of segues into what I was going to ask next, which is what is your Mantra? I know early on after Hunter died. I kind of was searching. Like I said in the last episode for like, I'm not, he's not going to die in vain, I will learn the lessons. Like, what are they?
And one of the things that I said to myself, constantly was all is, well, all will be well, because I Have a very big faith in what happens next. So, what about you guys? Oh, come to me last. Yes, lazy day from my longtime best friend. We were roommates in Los Angeles for five years and she's kind of like all business, shall we? Say she's not much of a person who can tap into her emotional side, but she did send me something that really resonated.
And I thought I'm seeing a different side to her. She sent me. That was a butterfly which is always been my thing. And it said our journey of new beginnings will always honor and rejoice the past. So we've tried to bring right Oliver into the picture and carry him with us but also look forward to new adventures and not dwell on the past as well. I love that and I love that she shared that with me because I thought, wow, she's deeper than I thought. Sorry Cal she's not all busy.
Kathy Kathy is Got some, something else going on besides business. But did you have a mantra Lacey? I thought you said you did. That was it? That was it? That was it ever? Although I feel like because you also less a less dark less often. Yeah, I thought it was when I met when I met Kira, I remember her looking at me with these, she has these Soulful eyes, but they just look super sad. And it was just, it was killing me.
I think I saw you in the same way and I was like, and I didn't know you at all or nor you, Kara, and I remember thinking, The only thing I can depart I don't know that I told you that day because it you were that was probably the first week he had died a. Hey, I don't remember. I don't say shit. We could ever seen you and yeah, like oh she's beautiful. Well good thank you for coming. You keep you keep some back again.
Thinking that I don't know what you said but I know I said it during Kira. I stood less D+ Stark less often because it stays with you you learn to live with it. I hate when people say what are you going to get over it? Or they will get over it. No you don't get over it. You get Through it. Everybody get over it right, it's less deep. Meaning, if I go there and I have a moment, I allow myself to do it. Now, I create the space and it usually sometimes is very
wistful. It just comes in and breezes in for a few minutes and then it leaves and then I can move on through my day and it's less dark. I used to spend thousands of hours in the bathtub because my son was so young. I didn't want him to see the true darkness of it all, and I'm sure you guys can relate to that because you had little As well, you don't want them to see the real dark stuff but you do want them to see that you can recover
evening. They want to grieve and recover exact, but the real dark stuff and then less often like now it's less often, which I'm so grateful for because I thought back when we were going to do this podcast, I remember thinking. I don't think I could go back and do that again. It's exhausting. I still am not sure how we all did it. I don't Don't, it's just a perfect example of you, don't you just do you just do? Yeah, I looked at my sweet son's eyes. I think that's what did it
actually. If it weren't for him, I don't think I would have cared. I thought I brought him here. I've got to make sure he's going to be okay. And that's also a part of Oliver. You know, so you want to honor them. I thought we weren't going to do this. No, dude, we cry, we laugh. We drink. We like to take a sip of hot flashes. We do it all here at your whistle wet, your whistle.
All right Hollywood, about you, Well, I don't have a definite Mantra. I mean, maybe have a lot of them and I don't know, I think it my kids age and Getting them through, getting myself through. I was like, I'm just going to get through the day. And people would ask me, what are you doing, what did you know, whatever. The question might be. And I'm like, I'm just getting
through the day. I think that's a good one is, especially in the beginning because anything else is so overwhelming and sad that all you can focus on. Is this moment that day like yeah I'm just going to get through this, still have days. Like I have one.
Task might as an app, I have a task, it's a bad, it's like maybe it's a workout, maybe it's Costco, maybe it's an email to like one of my kids teachers and I'm like okay this is just my because I'm still like Holly from those dark darker days, that was how I got by. And so I still have moments where I go back to that little handbook and I just say, just
get this one thing done. Yeah, for this like three thing now, like, My youngest is. A junior and everybody's talking college and it's like oh what's he thinking? I'm like we're just trying to get through the day high school. Yeah we're gonna pass this semester and we're gonna rock it. I mean I kind of feel like that and that way it is a blessing because it's just staying in the moment instead of going so far ahead like everybody does like I'm ready for my kid to get out of high school.
He's gonna go to college, he's gonna work and everything is everything. Is, I'm in more in the moment you thinking more in the moment only. I am because of it, yes, for sure. I specially think in the beginning people give you that like first five, six months where they're like we're going to leave you alone. Then people call up in there. Like what are you doing? Like I'm really doing with your life. What do you do all day? Oh yeah. What do you do?
All day just got Casimir like yeah you have to live in the moment because otherwise you're like if only I would have done this I wish I would have said this. I wish this would have happened. Oh, now he's not going to be here for that. Now he's going to miss this if you can just focus on the day. Well and I just want to say, Every Toby always said we would be on vacation and I'd be like, what are we going to do next? He's like, can't you just live in the moment? Not interesting.
I love that he was trying to teach you even back then. Yeah. It also teaches you boundaries to you like people all want to know what you're going to do next or if you're going to be working, or if you're a man, I'm just like you said, just getting through, if you're going to move, if you're going to stay in Austin, if you what are you going to do, what are you? I mean, there's so much expectation that's still there. There. When you're just saying, hey look, I am now 50% capacity.
Mmm, I'm down a man, literally. Yeah, so, why am I after Toby died, like I don't know what that am I, I don't know how soon after. Yeah, but I'm kind of gets messed up. One of my sister's friends asked if I was moving up to where you live homeless. If I was moving, you know, even though I hadn't lived that quote unquote home since before College. Yeah, if I was going to move home and thankfully my sister was like, why would she move here?
She lives in a license and she has lots of friends. Yeah, now I think that's a good message to give to other widows. It's like, you don't have to have it all figured out. You don't have to make any big decisions. Don't make any big decisions, honestly, I just get through the day and also learn to be true to yourself. I mean, little quick funny story. I was at HEB yesterday, love my HEB, and I'm in the checkout line. And the bad guy is so cute.
And young and fun. You can find tell me of your husband. I was just there was something very, but I think what I liked about him is that he was just friendly and he was trying to engage a conversation with me. And I felt kind of sorry for him. I don't know if you guys do this but as he's bagging the groceries, this he said, how are you doing?
I said, I'm just a little tired because it was like 5:00 and I'm kind of grab the groceries, get home, cook up the meal and you my sons coming home from school late and he said, well, maybe your husband. Oh, I'll will cook the dinner and I said, well, he's Six feet under, he's been dead for 11 years. I mean it just flew out of my mouth and I'm like, oh God that poor guy just in that moment. He was like oh God because I'm so sorry.
I said no I'm actually sorry I didn't mean to put you ill at ease. I said, it's been a long time. I said, I have to kind of laugh at it now. Yeah, but the truth is, and this is something that I say all the time. I don't, I don't I have widows Tourette's. Okay. I will just, I need Bill that's five years in to tell people that I have a dead husband. Yeah, I 473. Even the bar, even when people are flirting with me, I'll be
like, well, my husband died. I do, or the waiter will come up and every like, but we're just calling that the W card of it, though at the stretch lab. Does that work Hazard? Yes, I work for me. My husband was a budgeter so he wants to believe that knees away. You because I just throw it down. I'm like, well, I mean what is the Widow get? Like, what do you have? A Widow's discount? But I feel like first never a Widow's discount.
Listen, I've got everyone a couple of times you have got to teach me that and and to here, I got flowers, one time from a plumber flower. Oh, yes. Oh, No, well, my Mantra was stay alive. Yes. I was very, very injured and I was just trying to stay alive for a long time. It was just stay alive, and then it was get through every day and then it was chill the fuck out for a while there. I, you know, was over, I know Lacey had pointed this out.
We first met, I was over. Dimmed stimulated for a long time. Just trying to handle everything and over and over drive. And I that's when I did the whole like, okay, I'm going to literally put like one thing on a page for the day. Load of laundry. I think I remember telling you to go take a nap. I mean because she was spinning like a top.
She has three kids, I would 100 miles an hour and I would just I mean you've been in hospital for how long I call it jail because that's what it is. Yeah she doesn't even remember know how long and you might going like 100 you were doing more than I was doing and I was taking a nap. So I thought maybe I've really had to slow it down. I really had to clip expectations.
I used to be Be like before the car accident, I just had a very full life, I had high expectations from my family, my kids myself you know I had a lot of irons in the fire and just winnowing it down to just the basics was very humbling and still still trying to get used to it. I think covid helped a lot of us with a lot of that. It was kind of a nice moment for me to be - like oh I could just slow down again, I'd I remember this. This is good. This is this feels good.
This is productive to just kind of cut, cut things out and yeah, you don't have to be everything to everyone. You have to put yourself on the list and also none of it matters. I mean if you're in a depression and you say that then that can be harmful but if you are living life present and just day-to-day it's like most of the stuff. If that we're trying to get done and check off the list, it doesn't even matter and guess what?
All of your plans and then life comes crashing in which is what we all know, I had all kinds of plan that though, I haven't stay, it's been over 11 years. So I thought when that happened, I'd be able to take that with me all the time, but you forget you do. So sometimes I get caught up in the minutiae. I thought of all people, you shouldn't because, you know, it doesn't matter. But life comes creeping back in, that's why.
Saying I was healthier and the first year or two of hunters, death versus now, because I was more connected to the trauma in a way, you know. And and so I was very aware of, you know what? I don't even care, like, that doesn't even matter. So, anyway, and I felt like I had permission, which maybe you did too in the beginning, I had permission for a long time because I was in and out of surgeries, and I was just trying to get well, and I was trying to get my daughter. Daughter.
Well he was also injured and I had a lot of I mean I was able to just check out and people didn't they weren't looking for the thank you. Note or the response, right? Don't get him. Thank you, brother. Thank you. That's all episode. I got my mom wrote all the thank. You know, my mother wanted me to do. Oh no, I just want to say thank you to everybody that's everything for me. I did not. Because I was. And by the way, no one fucking cares about the thank. You know, what they do?
They're not a friend of exactly. Then I you don't deserve a. Thank you note. After you actually want one, we had them all printed up but I worked two of them and I said you do them. Because yeah, that was a that was a big fight. I think I lost Southern away, others. It's a southern way. You're supposed to write. Thank you - gracious and I thought, my husband just died at the age of 38 suddenly and unexpectedly. Lee. If this friend of mine expects a thank you note.
They're not a friend of mine for a exactly that. I that is all hardly agree and I think people need to embrace that and Society. It's like the last thing you want to be doing when you are going through. Trauma is trying to remember who did what when brought them on? Whoever tells you anything you need to write a. Thank you, note tell them. No I do. I do I say do not write me at thinking I found myself thinking people when they are Opportunity arose.
Like if I saw them if there was a moment where I could just say, oh my gosh, I remember you were there for Karis or you were there for me or you helped pennies more than but there wasn't any, I mean, in my circumstance, it was just all physical therapy and surgery. So there wasn't any writing anything. I'm gonna be permission.
None of you has to write me a thank-you note, I'm going to give permission to everyone, that's listening to things, you know, with a full heart, nothing else out of this. Podcast, I don't care if you're a southerner. All right, from the north. Wow, you might get it. You just have like, thank, you know, if you're in trauma, if something horrible happened to you and you're on a little train, a thank, you know, needed her.
I can thank you, note, if you want to help help, if you don't find, but don't be helping for the, thank you. Exactly, exactly. Not, I think that's a perfect way to end this episode to be helping. You're going to To know us better over the next few episodes. We are going to start sharing our individual stories. In the meantime, if you want to go to Instagram and follow us on at every Widow, thing for updates and inspiring content, we would love for you to do that. Drop us a DM.
If you have questions or you have a certain topic that you would like for us to discuss on the next podcast, we would love to be there for you. That's the whole purpose here. We thank you so much and strive and thrive. Drive. That's right. Ben Thrive. Thank you. Thank you. Bye. Bye.