Hi and welcome to the Essential Tennis Podcast, your place for free, expert, tennis instruction that can truly help you improve your game. Welcome to episode number 383 of the Essential Tennis Podcast. Today we're going to be talking about tennis friction and flow. Today's definitely a different kind of episode if you're looking strictly for tennis insights and
improvement advice, then probably skip to another episode to be totally honest with you. If you're interested in the episodes that are more so about kind of personal development and improvement and mental toughness, then today might be exactly what you're looking for. I'm going to be recreating here a talk that I gave at the book signing for my book launch. My book came out on May
31st a couple weeks ago as of the recording of this episode. And it debuted a number one best seller on nine different Amazon categories, which I was super grateful for, has over 105 star reviews now on Amazon, super, super grateful. So if you've purchased it, then thank you so much. I hope you've really enjoyed it. I spoke in front of a small group of people at a private, not private, a, well, yeah, a privately owned bookstore, one of the only privately owned bookstores in downtown
Milwaukee. It's been there a long time, really kind of special store in downtown Milwaukee. And they hosted me for the launch of my book on May 31st. So I did two clinics that day. And then a bunch of the clinic attendees and family and friends came to the launch of my book. And I gave this talk. And the day was so crazy. I wish I remembered to record it, but, but I didn't. It was all kind of last minute that I put this together. And I really wish I did. And so it's kind of have
a recording of these thoughts while there's still somewhat fresh in my head. I wanted to record them and post it on the podcast. So part of this, I'm going to read the conclusion of my book called Essential Tennis. But first, I'll tell you the same things I told that live audience and go through my notes here. And really just gives a lot of background about my history as a tennis player as a tennis coach. And the different ways that I think I've navigated that journey and
lessons that I think could possibly be really important for you. Listen to me. So to start with here, I'd like to tell you a quote from Tim Ferris, which is one of my favorite podcasts over the years. It's F-E-R-R-I-S-S. He interviews lots of world-class performers and people who kind of specialize in performance and personal developments, business people, athletes, finance people, psychologists, doctors, all trainers, like you name it. He just loves talking to people who are
super high performers and books come up a lot in his podcast. And a topic that comes up a lot is when, when do you think you should write a book? Tim has published a bunch of best-selling books, including The Four-Hour Work Week back in the day, which helped me get started online, publishing content. Like back in, we're talking 2007, 2008. And Tim likes to say, you shouldn't write
a book unless it's easier for you to write the book than it is to not write the book. In other words, the book writing process is so tedious and so long and so arduous, which I can totally, I can totally now like in hindsight looking back, totally vouch for, that unless you feel so compelled to write it, that it's actually easier for you to write it than it is to not write it, then it's probably not something you should bite off because it's such a crazy journey. And so I
feel like that was very much the case for me with, with my book Essential Tennis. It was, it kind of came about naturally as a byproduct of things that I've really struggled with and pushed against over the years. And it just kind of had to happen. It was, it was a book that had to be created because of my path and my journey. So as I thought back about kind of the main junctures in my
career as a player and as a coach, they really led me to where I am now. There's four stories that come to mind that I'll tell really quickly each one that I think just kind of illustrates my, that drive that I have and when that illustrated the fact that it kind of had to happen
eventually. And the theme for me that kind of boils to the surface is this idea of friction versus flow, friction meaning some kind of obstacle or something slowing us down or some kind of like dissonance or it just doesn't feel right versus a lot of times the word flow is used to describe like being in the zone, being in a flow state where you're just kind of acting naturally or intuitively and and things are just kind of coming out of you that that aren't
forest and it just everything kind of feels right. So story number one or situation number one, where I felt like I kind of had to choose between those two different paths either friction or flow
was a meeting that I called with the director of tennis as a kid. I was probably 14 or 15 and I was very fortunate to be participating in a summer high performance program at a local tennis club and it was a special thing for me because I grew up in a house that didn't have the finances to allow me to do kind of a typical tournament player kind of experience as a tennis player.
We had a one income household by mom stayed home with me in my three siblings full time, my dad was a graphic designer, you know, didn't make tons of money and so with the four of us at home being homeschooled by my mom, there just you know there just wasn't a lot of money to go around for us to pursue other kind of outside interests. So thanks to by that time I had a paper route and some help from grandparents I got to experience this summer program at a local club which is
really special for me. I didn't really get to experience tennis club life very frequently. This was like a nicer club and there were some of the best players in the state as a high school player were participating in this program and I was so bothered by the lack of efforts and focus and how seriously the other kids took this program. I was there all business you know as a as
like a 14 or 15 year old this was like a really like special thing for me. I tennis was at that time already like my passion I loved it and I was there to work as hard as possible and run for every ball and till about twice and just squeeze like every drop out of the experience and I was
so frustrated that the other kids around me didn't take it as seriously as I did you know for them it was just kind of another activity the vast majority of them the members of this club were you know generally speaking on average a very different place like financially and this was just kind
of normal for them this was just kind of an average day doing average stuff and it was a normal average for me and it bothered me so much that I called a meeting with the director of tennis at that club who wasn't even involved in the programing or the coaching for this program but to me
it was like well he's in charge and I need to tell somebody about this because it bothered me so much so I sat down in his office and and told him like how concerned I was for the the program that this this culture of kind of goofing around was just kind of the normal thing so I felt a great
deal of friction in that moment it just felt wrong to me and I felt like I had to do something about it and that was the only thing I could think of doing that maybe could move the needle of course it wasn't going to but but I just kind of felt the need to do that so story number two was in
college I don't talk about this a lot but I quit my college team after walking on as a sophomore I didn't I was kind of a big fish in a small pond in high school and it was number one singles for two years then went to college didn't make my college team my freshman year it was a nationally
ranked division two school worked really hard my whole freshman year and walked on my sophomore year the bottom spot on the team and it was the most it was the most impactful most special accomplishment for my by far like the most exciting thing that ever happened to me in my life at
that point was making my college team and so I played my sophomore year my junior year and by my senior year I was incredibly angry and like frustrated with myself I I had brought in to the college experience this kind of perfectionistic mindset and I was again kind of big fish in very
small pond in high school and I went from winning a lot without being challenged much to losing a lot and being constantly challenged and being like the weakest player day after day after day and it led me to a really dark place psychologically to the point where I actually walked off the team the
second semester of my my senior year I had so much internal like anguish and darkness that if just felt like the right choice to just walk away from competition I was getting ready to start coaching full-time after graduating that second semester of my senior year the team was going to
nationals and I left the team because I was just so on it just it just tennis went from the thing that made me the most happy and the most like fulfilled and satisfied to the thing that made me the most angry and like most upset and frankly that kind of scared me and so I walked off the team
and didn't start competing again for many years after that so that's story number two friction a great deal of internal tension and struggle led me to do something I never would have thought I'd ever do which is walking off the team so fast forward a year or two I have my first teaching
job here's story number three and kind of similar to story number one I started teaching full-time again kind of a dream come true I couldn't believe I got a job being on a tennis court full-time it just seemed like the most unimaginable thing ever that would be paid to be on a tennis court
all day and naively I kind of assumed that the people who would sign up for lessons with me would share my passion for learning and leaving my comfort zone and pushing myself and working hard and like pushing pushing myself to like the edges of what I was capable of and kind of pushing
like for the long term to to become as good as possible and when I found out that a lot of people sign up for lessons I know shocker at a I got a job at a private kind of country club type of club and when I when I found again like I said I was pretty naive when I found out that's that a big
chunk of the people signing up for lessons with me didn't want any of those things but were I it's not that they didn't want to get better but they don't want to be really challenged they just kind of wanted some like tips and like some stuff on the surface to help them be more ready
for like their match on Saturday they're taking a lesson on Wednesday and you know they don't they don't want to rock the boat or take like a step back in their game because they've got you know they're weekly match coming up and they just want to polish a little bit of like what's
on the surface and I I couldn't I was really frustrated kind of like when I was the junior player going to the summer program and I couldn't believe that people didn't take it as seriously as I did and so I was really frustrated over time like over the months that first like year year and
a half to the point where I called a meeting again with the director of tennis again and said hey this is this is really bothering me like is this normal and like am I crazy and you know this is kind of frustrating and what should I like what should I do about this and so it just again to me
internally just kind of felt wrong and it just felt like man this isn't it's not what I expected it didn't feel like it was the way it was supposed to be and and I wanted to find out like if there was some kind of solution so story four last one here that just kind of illustrates this this path
as a person for me as a player as a coach my next job was the one out in the DC area and I taught this really very much was like a high end like country club you think I would have learned my lesson from that first job and like in hindsight I really should have thought hard about what club
I went to next but after about a year year and a half I I applied for a job at one of the top private clubs and the United States out in Maryland and my wife and I had done summer internships out there we really wanted to experience a different part of the country and made my way through
the interview process got the job and in hindsight again probably should have really thought twice about going to another private club with the frustrations I had with the clientele but I did because it was an incredible job seems like an obvious opportunity to to jump on and while I was
there I kind of continued navigating through that same kind of friction inside about the lack of commitment and and kind of dedication from students and slowly kind of started building my own clientele of people who took it more seriously and we're kind of on the same page with me in terms
of like my coaching style and the passion I had for for teaching and and not so much like being the type of coach who specializes in like fun and excitement and activity like that was just really not me we we had other coaches that were great at that every club should have coaches
like that and that just wasn't me so thankfully I could kind of navigate through the clientele a little bit and and kind of customize my schedule to a certain degree but a big chunk of my students still were not really the ones I wanted to teach and while I was there I started really
getting into using video this was in 2006 2007 2008 back before digital video was was very easy or inexpensive the way it is now in in 2022 and I started using video analysis in my lessons on the court and I even I started I created I didn't start like I actually did it I made a membership
portal for the members at this club where people could log in and see their footage from their lesson and their analysis clips and and so I was the only coach that offered video and I was starting to build out this like membership portal people could log in and watch their progress you know go
from lesson to lesson and remember what we talked about and so basically creating an online you know website just for members to get more value and more insight from their their tennis you know lessons and their tennis journey and it just became abundantly clear that nobody wanted
it the the club leadership and like management didn't they weren't really interested in it I mean they kind of supported me but more more so just kind of let me do it but I really wasn't getting any support from them at all I was doing it all my own time with my own money paying web developers
and and things like that and there was little to no interest from members and it really again bothered me I felt like I had something that was really insightful and I really just wanted somebody else who was excited about it and just wanted to share it like with somebody but but
nobody was was really there was a couple members but literally like one or two out of the hundreds and hundreds of people that were there taking tennis lessons on on a regular basis so all those different examples for me like looking back over my career as a player and then as a coach are just
illustrations that for me tell the story like I came up against these friction points over and over and over again as a player as a coach and I had the choice in each of those situations to either sit in my frustration to sit in my you know dark places or to just kind of accept what I
was being told about the way things are and and kind of conform to whatever the situation was and just kind of suck it up and you know do the best I could in the situation or what I more so chose to do was kind of push back against the friction and just kind of take my own path and
and do my own thing and sometimes I get in the case of being a college tennis player it meant just kind of isolating myself and removing myself from the situation all together because it just felt really unhealthy and I just was kind of scared by the direction I was headed if I didn't do
something about it and in the other instances like I I just felt compelled to take action and just do something even when it seemed like nobody else really cared I just I just felt this internal push is internal drive to do something about it and it was all that friction and frustration
that ultimately ultimately led to essential tennis is from that space that kind of internal like resistance and frustration around me that I started publishing that I wanted like it just seemed like man there's got to be people out there that do want this and do appreciate it and
if they're not right in front of me I got to do something to try to attract them because if I could just spend my time kind of just with those people man that would be incredible like I already I already liked what I was doing and I was grateful to have a job that you know I was
part of tennis because I just loved it so much but for whatever reason I just kept I kept feeling this internal friction to the point where I just had to take more action on my own time using my own money my own resources and that's what led to essential tennis and that's where I found my
most flow like state was creating things and resources spending time with a certain type of person and creating things for a certain type of person that's where I felt total freedom and connection with with a kindred spirit somebody that valued what I valued to the degree I valued it and
and really fully appreciated what what I brought to the table and so over the years I've created over 10,000 pieces of content since 2008 when I first started publishing stuff online over 6,000 videos between my YouTube channel is over 2000 and then all my paid courses and programs there's
over 4,000 and and all of those over 3,000 emails and blogs like a lot of written content and over 1,000 audio pieces of content including this show not quite 400 of the essential tennis podcast but I've done lots of other different audio shows and interviews and other resources that are
audio based over the years as well so using those 10,000 pieces of content Joel my co-writer wanted to make one big piece of content that encapsulated all of it like all the lessons everything I've learned over the 12 years of publishing and content creation we our goal basically was to
roll all that together find out what the the biggest common denominator principles are that I just keep coming back to that I can't ignore a year after year after year and it was those essential foundational elements that made their way into the book the things that I feel kind of everything
else is built on top of and so much of that is perspective and mindset and viewing the game and improvement process through the right lens having the right attitude and the right perspective the type of things that usually make their way onto the podcast this show and without those
things especially if you're competitive you won't stay in the game long enough to reach your goals I recognize that the friction that I had and the friction that my students had like the people who really resonated with me strongly they felt that same drive and that same they were they were
compelled just like me to try to find the the right answers to their problems and they weren't satisfied by surface level just kind of polishing like they they wanted the truth about what was happening beneath the surface and that's what I most fulfilled in solving are those problems for exactly those types of people and for me personally like when somebody comes to work with me in person yeah I'm gonna I'm gonna record their forehand their back and their serve and I'm I'm gonna show them
exactly what they should focus on and what their flaws are what they should do to make it to the next level with their technique but the mindset things the perspective shifts the the psychological and mental toughness aha moments those are even much more meaningful to me as a coach and that's
what I really really wanted to to capture and encapsulate input into the book so that people who read it come away with a deeper understanding of themselves and what the game of tennis means to them as a human because it connects so strongly with the rest of life and so a couple examples of that
quickly and I'm gonna read the the conclusion of my book here in just a moment to kind of wrap things up but on the the day that I gave this talk I did two clinics three hour one in the morning and a three hour one in the afternoon for people that wanted to come in and kind of celebrate the the
book launch it was a fantastic time amazing people amazing students and a big thank you to the coaches that helped helped me out as well so a couple two a couple quick examples before each of those clinics started I asked everybody we kind of went around the group and everybody introduced
themselves they said their name where they're from and I asked everybody to to tell the group why they love tennis and three examples really quick from the students one person said what brings out the best and the worst in me it brings out my biggest flaws and frustrations they get exposed
and then I get to work on them I think I maybe I combined two of them there sorry one person said that it brings out the best and the worst in me which you think you know for a normal person like the best sounds great but the worst man I doesn't sound like a lot of fun
but there's so many players out there who appreciate those things being exposed just like that second person my biggest flaws and frustrations get exposed and I get to work on them that's man that's incredibly valuable and insightful and that's what happened to me back in college
so my biggest flaws in terms of my personality and psychology were getting exposed it was being it was getting shown to me like very clearly that I had stuff to work on and it took me a while it took me a while to unpack and unwind those things and and I have and I'm really really
grateful for that and the third person said I thought this was awesome my kids were we're in the audience and they they enjoyed getting to hear this one somebody in our one of our student groups said I feel like the Grinch from the what's the name of the movie the night the Grinch Soul Christmas
or whatever the actual title of the the Grinch movie is I feel like the Grinch shouting from the top of Mount Who I don't know how familiar you are with the story or with the movie but there's there's a part where he's shouting from the top of his mountain going down the the
the phone book listing every person and yelling I hate you this person said he feels like the Grinch on the top of the mountain who saying I hate you I hate you I hate you and that was part of what he loved about tennis was was not so obviously not so much that you know he feels like that
but on any given day like it it draws out that level of of challenge and kind of personal you know obstacle that he gets to try to overcome so I resonate with that strongly and if you're still listening especially to this episode but if you listen to this show in general then you probably
really resonate you know strongly with that and so why does this book exist why does the book essential tennis exist for me personally it had to I feel like I didn't I didn't have a choice but to take the path of flow I didn't feel like I had a choice but to avoid that friction and find a
solution and keep pushing to something a little bit better and a little bit better that's what led to all the content and that's what led to the book and my hope is that it helps others move away from friction and towards flow both on the tennis court but I mean for me over time especially the
most impactful ones are in everyday life to be able to help people as well so I hope that's the case for you too and I'd like to read the conclusion here and the last three episodes by the way have been me reading chapters of the book this will probably be the last chunk of the book that I
read here on the podcast it's pretty short just a couple of pages and just kind of encapsulates my hopes for the book and why I wrote it so the conclusion is called finding fulfillment love for the tennis journey I recently ran into one of my former students we caught up for a few minutes
then I asked how his tennis was coming along and he smiled I don't play he said he explained that at some point the game had stopped being fun he'd gotten sick of it sick of making the same mistakes and losing to the same people sick of practicing and trying so hard to improve only to play a match
and have it all fall apart even when he won it felt like a struggle as he said all of this he looked genuinely happy and relieved that tennis was no longer part of his life I asked if he'd taken up another sport I run he said and I love it because unless it starts raining or I step in dogcraft
I know I'm going to enjoy it it was never like that with tennis I can't say I was shocked to hear he quit surprised maybe but not shocked a lot of serious players I know have at some point thought about quitting the feeling typically doesn't last maybe as long as the car right home
after a bad loss but I do know players who quit for a few months or even years once in a while a player quits for good believe me I get it tennis can be excruciating the game is designed to accentuate your flaws which is something I talk a lot about in the book and the failure rate is
incredibly high even when playing your best you're going to lose almost half the points and since 70% of all points and with an error you're pretty much guaranteed to make a mistake on one out of every three points only a massacast would attempt to enjoy an activity in which he screws up a
third of the time among the many things I hope you got out of this book is an appreciation of just how often you succeed in the face of so many obstacles just hitting a ground stroke or volley in the courts is an impressive feat don't take it for granted I also want you to appreciate
just how little you can actually control once you're out on the courts one of the biggest myths and tennis is that a player can control how well he or she plays in fact you can only control three things your attitude your effort level or intensity and what you choose to focus on versus
ignore everything else son wind noise the speed and span of your opponent's ground strokes the fairness or lack thereof of your opponent's line calls how well you're upon in plays and everything else is 100% beyond your control what about technique you might ask I might not be able
to control the weather but I surely can control my footwork whether I keep my head still at contact and where I toss the ball on my serve right believe it or not these things are also beyond your complete control you can practice them and you should but on any given day your ability fluctuates
some days your timing will be spectacular others it'll be off we've all had days when for no apparent reason the racket feels foreign in our hands and we can't hit the ball in to save our life nor can you fully control the inordinate number of tiny elements that make up a particular stroke
or movement the racket take back and drop the contact point the position of your torso and head and so on especially under pressure how well you execute your swing and your strategy changes from match to match from set to set and even from one point to the next there are simply too many
variables in play does it ever happen that all the various aspects of your game come together and you play your absolute best sure about three or four times a year any other time you step out there with less than a full box of tools the only reason I know any of this is because I
experienced it myself senior year of college I quit the team and walked away from playing the game competitively for 10 years tennis tennis had been the thing that brought me the most happiness in life but suddenly I was miserable the result of a gap between my expectation that I should play
at a certain level and the reality of how little I could actually control I found myself trudging off to practice reluctantly wondering why I was even doing it one day I decided that if I didn't I'm sorry I decided that if it didn't make me happy I shouldn't all told I was away from
the competitive side of tennis for four years it was during this time that I began my full-time coaching career the combination of the two not competing and helping others allowed me to heal my relationship with the game and with myself for the first time in my life I was able to define
myself beyond how well I performed on courts ironically it was only by walking away from the game competitively that I found out what tennis meant to me and whether the game belonged in my life the moral of this story is not that you should quit playing tennis it's that if you do find yourself
at a crossroads allow yourself some space unplugged for a few weeks decompress what your body and mind reset then see how you feel figure out what tennis means to you like I did and how your relationship with the game can be healthy and never forget the one and only reason any of us play
because it makes us happy that's not to say that every moment on the court is going to be bliss to truly enjoy the game you need to enjoy the full spectrum of what tennis has to offer this means embracing the highs and the lows as well as all the wonderful benefits our sport has to offer
like discipline perseverance mental focus self exploration physical health and social interaction these are some of the reasons we pursue hobbies of any kind that tennis gives us all of them is a testament to how personally enriching the game is if you do take a break I hope you return
one of the best ways to understand the full experience of tennis is to watch the trophy ceremony at the end of a grand slam you'll likely see two people crying for the player who lost it's because she came incredibly close to achieving a lifelong dream but fell short for the winner it's because
she's realizing the fulfillment of that same lifelong dream and the culmination of countless hours of pain sacrifice and failure that were required to get there even if you could avoid the pain would you really want to you leave so much on the table the growth the sense of personal
development and the pride of achievement that comes with overcoming obstacles genuine fulfillment is what makes the journey worthwhile my wish for you is that you experience the full range of this incredible game when you embrace the struggle of tennis with the right perspective every little
positive step step signifies personal growth in my opinion tennis is the most wonderful way to engage your mind body and spirit for a happy and fulfilling life so that's the conclusion of essential tennis there's 38 chapters and my the whole range of everything I've learned over 20 years of coaching
is all wrapped up into this book it's not a technique book I talk about technique but it's the core principles about the game that are critical to success it's the essentials so if you've enjoyed the the podcast in general and any of that that I just read resonates with you I really strongly
recommend buying a copy it's an audio book by the way I read I read the whole thing for the the audio book it's on candle it's in hardcover paperback and there are I don't remember I think like 25 or so videos that come along with the book that you scan a QR code you can go
watch the lesson of me demonstrating whatever it is and it's incredibly incredibly valuable so if you're ready to play your best tennis then definitely pick up a copy if you've already picked up a copy then I really appreciate you leaving a review for it that would really mean a lot to
me hopefully you enjoyed this if you did now shoot me an email if you made it to the end of this hopefully it resonated strongly with you my email address is e-n that's i-a-n at essentialtennis.com thank you so much for listening I'll talk to you in the next episode
for more free game improving instruction be sure to check out essentialtennis.com where you'll find hundreds of video audio and written lessons also be sure to subscribe to essential tennis on iTunes and YouTube where we are the number one resource in the world providing passionate instruction for passionate tennis players thank you so much for listening today take care and good luck with your tennis