We acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land we're recording on today.
I do love it though, when he hurts himself or he's scared or he's bet and he just.
He's like, you know, I'm the only person.
Out.
I'm like, hey, everyone else can.
Go get fat, Hello, and welcome to eat, Sleep, Shit, Repeat. A wildly unhinged podcast all about the madness that is motherhood and everything in between.
I am Key Resells.
I hope that you guys are loving the content of season four as much as we are.
It's been so much fun putting this new and improved shell together.
I'm Kelly McCarran.
And it's fucking cold in Sydney right now, and then I've put in the script discuss it's freezing.
What a boring thing to be.
Like discuss but it is so cold, and I know that that is boring, but it's also just the only thing that everyone's talking about right now, because it's like we forget.
Every year the Sydney actually can get quite cold.
Just slipping a casual climate change.
The thing is though, as well, is that Australia is not built for cold weather.
No, I know, no insulation.
My dad's cousin lives in Toronto, because I'm like, how do you guys survive in minus thirty minus forty winters? And he's like literally easier than growing up in Australian winters. For us, it's like just in our homes we're cold.
I know, well, it's the most stressful thing is like I can obviously put ten blank and myself, but like the kids my number one stress right now or something like is she gonna fucking wake up at four am?
Because she's gonna be cute?
But we've actually been okay. I've stuffed the heater in our room. I've put like two blankets over because she's old enough now for blankets, so she seems to be fine. Weirdly, I have invested in the Unicloth thermals so highly recommend.
Those to any mum.
So like cheap thermals, and they're so good and they're like they're really thin like adult thermals, but they keep them right.
Really, thermals are a thing I know.
Snow, but yeah, they're great for.
Every day because I've been doing the singlet long sleeve shirt and then a track jumper, then track pants with the two nappies on, pull the second nappy off in the morning.
Oh yeah, because you've got your daycare, because that's him going to daycare.
Yeah yeah, No, I just pop her in a thermal top and then her like winter pajamas over the top.
Then he only wears his pajamas three nights a week, the days that he's not going to daycare.
The next time, anyway, it is Keys turn.
To give her peek and pitch of the week. Everyone, please let us know what you're thinking of the new format where we swap. It's quite funny because when I was preparing, I was thinking about what I was going to say next week.
I'm like, oh, I kind of have two peaks and two bits.
I know, I know it is hard going week off, but it also is nice because I feel like you can kind of combine the two together. Otherwise every week I'm like, I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm sick of the winging whatever.
Yeah, but he can you kick off your hit and then we'll finish the segment.
On a A.
Yeah.
Well, on that note, I do sound like a broken record because.
I had a minty bee on the weekend.
Be the morning. Well, here we go. How nice of me?
What a good friend? What a good supportive business? Kind of that?
I'm like.
Because our love language is humor and if we don't love. So it's a lovely mix of being tired, being pulled in a million different directions, dropping balls everywhere, and feeling like I'm failing my family. But rather than me explaining the ins and outs of all of those silly little things that are stressing me out. I saw this promo for one of my favorite podcasts, which is Ladies We Need to Talk Just an ABC podcast hosted by Yumi Stein's.
I didn't know this was one of your favorite podcasts. I've never heard of it before.
I love it. It's been going for years, going.
For your Well you've slipped in a recommendation, Actually, oh my god, sorry?
Are you on fire with your recommendations today?
I think I am the podcast You Got a Girl?
What's it about?
They just discuss different topics that as ladies we need to talk about.
So super interesting.
So this was a link to like one of the episodes on being a mother, and I think she sums up the mum guilt brilliantly.
And this clip What's it like to be frantically busy, you're getting absolutely rumed by cost of living. You've got mortgage repayments and a job that you can't hate. Among the soul crushing chaos is a chubby little three year old's hand holding yours as you walk her up the gate towards childcare to drop her off there again, Bye money, bye sweetheart. I'll see you at the end of the day when we're both exhausted and I've given the very best of myself to a job that I freaking hate.
Mum.
Guilt is real, and as everything gets more and more expensive, we seem to get more and more tethered.
To jobs we don't really like.
Meanwhile, our children catch colds, leaks, not and grow older in the institutionalized care of workers whose names we can barely remember.
I was just like, yeah, this is just such an good example of me having a confidence of a middle aged white man, because I just could not.
Relate to that at all.
No, I never feel like that about dropping him off.
I working.
No, No, okay, so I don't have a shit job. I actually do love my job, but I'm more related to the theme of it, like cost of living pressures the strain that puts on your family working knowing that you need to work, but also coming home at the end of the day.
And I relate to that part where you're like, you're both just so exhausted, but it's so good for both of us.
No, it is.
But then I do have a lot of guilt over the fact that all day I've been my like chirpy, sunny self, putting all of my energy in and then I get home from work and pick grew up and she's fully off me because she's like, I've been saving up all my bad behavior. I'm in my safe place, I'm giving it to you, and I'm like, I've been waiting all day to hang out with you, and you're acting like a little dick, and.
Now I don't even want to talk to you. So it's just that it's one thing.
Like I don't think I related to all of the points, but I think people could relate because not everyone loves their job, but they sposed to do exactly they have to work what we host a podcast.
No, when I say my job, I don't just mean this one thing. I know this is one day on half.
Day, okay, okay, But I think that there are different parts that people can relate of course about it. I mean I love daycare, don't get me wrong. Shout out to all of the educators who are listening. I do know most of your names at my daycare, although they do move around a lot.
And our daycare director just left.
I don't.
Luke knows everyone he walks in. He's like hey so and so, Hey so and so to the parents, to the kids, to the educators, everyone.
He's literally super dad.
No, he's just a mom.
He's a mom.
I'm not a mum. He's a mom.
Okay, should we move on to my peak?
Please?
But can I just validate you a little bit? If that is your pit every fortnight, that's okay. And I actually got a really beautiful message this morning from someone saying just to jump on this bandwagon of yes, we need the peaks and the pits. She said, the pits make us feel less alone. Yeah, even if it is something that's really small and mundane to us, it's validating. And then she said, and the peaks sometimes are really good reminder, which I thought was so.
I love that because you don't often like celebrate or reflect or think about the things that have helped.
I find the peak so hard because I'm like, ehh, I've really got to think about them.
I'll just like negative Nancy though that there'll be like.
One day when U behaves nicely and I'll be like part of my week.
She didn't blame me today, she didn't bully.
Me today, and I didn't have to feel guilty peek. My peak was my birthday weekend.
So my birthday fell on a Monday, so Charlie and Rue and I celebrated basically the weekend before that, and we went to the Affordable art fair that was on in Sydney and it was just kind of like I'd forgotten it was on. I saw one of the Instagram pages I follow posting.
About it and I was like, I told me to be fair because we were very late, but we were like, you know, we're on our art curation journey together.
I know I do feel quite bad about that. Next year, Oh.
Thanks, yeah, great, I mean to be fair, I will probably still be trying to decorate my It'll still be empty, rug.
Slow and steady.
But it was so nice because we did something together that I wanted to do that was mainly for me, but everyone came yeah, and it was like, quite nice, because often we'll do stuff as a family that's kind of beneficial for everyone, but stuff for rue. But this was kind of nice. It was like an activity that I wanted to do. It was very family kid friendly.
There were heaps of kids there that had little breakout stations where they could sit and draw, and they had a cafe, and I saw kids of all rangers there. And to be fair, it's like an art exhibition, so it's not the safest place for kids, but I loved how fighting they were for families. That made it really inclusive.
And then later that night.
We got a sitter just for a few hours, and we went to a fancy restaurant to celebrate.
It was a surprise and we rocked up and I went to Margret.
I know, I was like, are you rich? I was not prepared for that level of fancy.
When I saw it on your Instagram, I was like, we live in two different worlds. There is not a chance that Luke would well. First of Luke and I don't really like food, so.
But Charlie was like halfway to eat meat because he doesn't really eat meat at home. So he was like, give me the steak key birthday. He's like, let's go somewhere fancy that cooks meat really well. But the thing was, I was not dressed for the fanciness of Margaret.
Oh, so you had no idea you were even gone beautiful.
When I got into the uber, he was like, did he just tell you where we're going?
And I'm like, no, crazy, he didn't.
She's like, I just wanted to be a surprise, and I was like so stoked that we got to sit up because we don't often get one. Also didn't have to take care of anything, so it was like the whole mental LOADO. It was actually a treat, which is what birth was a treat, which I really enjoyed.
So that's about the dinner. What you ate.
I want to know what you guys talked about?
Well, everyone was like neutrals and beige, weren't they? So I stuck out like a sore thumbed.
You know what, sligh And then Charlie's like, who.
Cares, like you look beautiful. It was just such a nice course.
They were babe mug they were yeah, yeah, but it was really lovely. The food was incredible, the wine was incredible, and then they even gave me a little ball of sorbe at the end with a candle on it. Well, I've got my intolerances, so can we not.
Okay, ye turn our noses.
Up at the sorbet because it's all I've got at kkel Oka.
But it was gorgeous.
And then we actually just went home after and it was some birthday sex.
No, we came home and you're faced and you're like, sorry if it's not conceiving, so I'm not talking about it.
No, we didn't, only because I've just been so tired lately. So we actually just watched something on TV and I was like, I know, I was like, Sleigh, it was really good.
Yeah, so lovely. I'm had such a nice night together.
It was zero expectations, it was zero organizing, and it was like one hundred percent fun time. The stakes went high, Like I wasn't worried about as anyone having fun. It was literally just like I'm having the best time.
And it's not often that on birthdays.
You know, I hate birthdays, so do I.
It's always such a pressure.
And I just also like even just the influx of messages which are so lovely, people wishing you happy birthday. I find overwhelmeding because I'm like, well, now I've got to spend all this time getting back to people.
I don't think you do it all. I never get back to people a bat shit like that.
You don't know.
I don't think anyone is.
Expected use a recommendation do not reply to birthday mass.
But they'll ask you a question.
They're just saying, even if they say hope you've got something nice playing to the day question, they're not expecting a response.
And if they are, okay, I love that. All right, So let's.
Move into our deep nive, our meaty topic of the day, if you will, being the chosen one, the preferred he So it's definitely not a new concept by any means. So we've been brought up hearing all.
About Daddy's little girl, daddy's little boy.
And Mamma's boy, referencing a child having a favorite parent.
It's funny. I called my.
Mum when I was prepping this script, just to ask her what her experience was, and she couldn't remember us.
But it's been too long, I know, but surely it's I don't know.
They block it out, They block out a longtime.
Me with my memory, I have to remind to them of.
Yeah, you won't forget.
No, I will not forget. Mum will be like, how do you remember that you were three?
We also have a podcast as Documenting True Exactly or social media, but the chides on one is their go to, so that's their person for everything, and yes it is completely normal, but it's not ideal for either parent.
So being the one perpetually bellowed at mam ma'am, it can quickly become very overwhelming or dad actually for the preferred parent. And while an unfavored parent may get out of some of the more tedious tasks like bathtime because the child only wants the other parent to do it, you can end up feeling a bit hurt by the
perceived rejection. And I also want to say, as we're having this discussion, we will try to keep it gender neutral, yeah, and not go too much into stereotypes because obviously every family unit is different and we do have listeners from all different types of families, so apologies in advance. I would say, like eighty percent of the respondents did come from a nuclear family unit, so if we go into
the mum dad child trope, that is why. However, we do see everyone's responses and completely understand that families come in all different shapes and sizes.
So looking through research, and there's many child psychologists who basically explain that when kids are little, they just don't have the same cognitive skills that we have as adults, and those are the skills that give us the ability to understand and hold relationships as separate entities. So for little kids especially, they just can't really grasp the idea that you can love.
Two people equally.
Their little minds couldnot understand too much love. It's a lot, so they tend to favor one parent at a time because they don't know how to love together.
Now, I know that this is what the experts say, but I just don't believe that.
And I know, I know that you're like Gilly, not believing an expertly.
WHOA that is shocking to everyone that I don't believe experts. But what I mean is it just doesn't make that much sense to me because maybe Lou Lou Lenin Rue Lou I.
Kind of like it.
Maybe they are exceptions.
I really don't think they are, though, but they definitely have capacity to love both parents at the same time.
Yeah, it's just that Len is happiest when we're both with him.
Yeah, I understand that.
Well. I think it's brutal obviously when they say it that way, and I do think, of course they love the I put in my notes secondary question mark parent. It sounds so mean, but I feel like it's more to do with the fact that they feel safest with the primary terra and that they can let their freak flag fly.
Which they do.
It's fun truly be themselves, you know. There's just like a certain level of freak that they let out with that primary care that the secondary care doesn't experience one hundred percent of the time exactly. So that's actually the perfect segue into us talking about our personal experiences where both the primary parent and our households.
And both the preferred parent. Lucky us.
Yaya talk me through your experience with Lenn.
It should be worth noted because I did ask that question. I read it through the lens that some people were defensive, like, well, we're both the primary parent. When I say primary parent, I don't necessarily mean that you do ninety percent of the work, Oh, I just mean that in any regard, you probably do do a little bit more whether or not it's the mental load, whether or not it's that you look after them a little bit more. Like Luke is very much so an involved parent.
Yeah, definitely, like he looks.
After Lenny a lot, as he should it's child, and looks after a lot of different things. So it's not that I mean that when I say primary parent that the other person is just like, oh, se yeah, I'm going to go play golf, for get a money or whatever.
I just wanted to clarify that.
No, I think it's an important clarification because I think obviously, historically a primary parent may have meant.
The stay at home from um exactly that spends all day, all night with the kids while the dad goes to work.
Yeah, I often think about, like who's the emergency contact at daycare in school? Like the first one?
I think they actually call Luke now because I well, I was like, eh, not picking that up.
Oh, it's just going to be another head injury. It's fine.
So she's joking.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
So although I didn't take maternally, let's not go down that load again. Len didn't actually go into daycare till he was one, So for that first year, he was with me ninety nine percent of the time, and we spent a lot of time without Luke in that first year. So I don't know if that had anything to do with how it is now, But at the time he probably didn't care that much who was holding him. I mean,
it just screamed regardless. But sometimes he would definitely swim louder if it wasn't me, So I never really noticed that much of a primary preference.
I think during that time anyway, the baby's preferring the mum regardless, because yeah, even if you're like giving formula and stuff, it's still.
Really that one your smell, yeah as well. Yeah, there's probably a lot.
Of different things nine out of ten times. So you know, let's fast forward to now he's almost two and a half. He will absolutely lose it if I leave the house, even if I just go into a room and shut the door.
I've witnessed there will be a little sick days.
There will be screaming, there will be banging it the door, things will be thrown, and he like the tears.
He has got.
I don't know if he's got separation anxiety or for sure, like it's very intense. He's been at daycare for sixteen months now, and the drop offs are still awful.
If Luke drops him off in the morning, is it as bad?
Sometimes but he never really does. Sometimes it's fine.
Nine ten times, it's the same awful, clean to the legs, screaming, holding his hands out for me as I walk out the door, like awful.
And Luke said the.
Other day, oh, yeah, but lots of kids are like that, and I said, no, they're not, No, they are not.
I've witnessed one mum go through it. That's that mom.
I chased out of the door that day and went, you're doing a great job because it's not normal actually some kids. Yes, but every single day and he's fine two minutes later, yeah, yeah, thank god. Otherwise, gosh, that would be impossible to leave him. I literally can't go to the toilet without him. And it is cute and I love how much he loves me, but it is exhausting and I'm constantly overstimulated. I'm constantly touched out, which leaves no room for Luke in any of the those sorts of areas.
Such an important point to make, like, how can you no intimacy when you are completely touched out.
Yeah, how like I get off me. Yeah, and I know that that sounds awful, but get off like.
I think it's really relatable.
Cal From the moment he wakes up, and remember I do mornings by myself. Yeah, from the moment he wakes up, everything is a battle and he wants to be on me or wants to at least see me. The drop offs always horrible. Then from the moment he walks through the bloody door, it's just screaming if he's not on me or can't see me or yeah not you know, And that's if he's not having tantrums about everything else. So I also have to lay next to him, which is whatever. It's just the stage that we're in for
him to fall asleep. Sometimes he will sit up until like nine o'clock. Yeah, if I leave the room, he's asleep. But it's like he just senses that I'm leaving. Even if the house is pitch dark and I'm creeping out. It's like I can't smell her anymore. You can have to go back like down. You gotta be kidding, bro, if you think that I want to be touched. After that, he's like, hey, how's the bucket. Is it full the
psychologists word for that. My buckets are thimble basically, so it gets real easy and I'm like, bro, it was full at seven o'clock this morning.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, there is no room for you. We haven't been clearing the bucket in a while. The bucket has not been tipped out for quite some time.
And I know that this is really hypocritical, but I do love it though, when he's hurt or sad.
I just got whiplash, I don't know, wait what, welcome to my brain.
I do love it though, when he like hurts himself or he's scared, or he's upset.
And he just he's like, mum, and I'm the only person you are, Just Mummy, sort it all out, It all out of my hand where everyone else can go get fat.
Yeah.
I'm definitely the preferred parent and it's fucking annoying but also cute.
Okay, wasn't expecting that your turn, my turn, pretty to I'd have been the preferred parent. Not gonna lie.
I think you're in a particular stage at the moment where you're feeling very.
She's in a difficult stage, and you are feeling very over it.
Yeah, it's a lot, not gonna Lie just reached the terrible twosme along at home as a baby, of course, like I was more of the person that could settler the easiest.
It also working, but I took twelve.
Months of fraternity to leave and then I went back to work part time. But when I started going back to work is when things got a little bit more balanced.
And I'd say that.
Rue is textbook with her phases or stages of separation anxiety.
So it kind of ebbs and flows, which is so normal.
Which is normal until she became a terrible toddler that turned two, and now.
It's literally like one month after her birthday, she's just gone literally, hello, oh I am here in my twos.
And it is so intense.
And it wasn't really up until recently that Charlie really clocked how intense it was because he was working really late and I was taking on quite a lot of the responsibility. And then his work has thankfully slowed down, which I'm like so thankful for, and so he's been really stepping up and coming home earlier at night, and we've had a couple of weekends away. So typically our setup is during the week I'm pretty much the primary Cara.
He'll always do mornings with.
Her to take her to daycare, like on her daycare days, and then I do all pickups and bed and bath and etc. Which which is a lot, but he's been taking on that role. And then on the weekends I always get time off because that's his time with Rue all together, but he kind of is the primary contact for those days.
She's done a shit, literally, like I.
Think I know an need to be changed, and he's like, got it.
Oh wait, she's potty training. She is potty trained, but like he still got a white brain. He got away for hours, so he's seen it and he is just like whoa. And I really felt validated in that because I think a lot of the time like if that other parent.
Isn't there or we missed the behavior, yeah, you.
Kind of just feel like I'm dubbing on my kid, like being a little tattle.
Yeah, so they won't take you seriously when you're like, my child is bullying. Yeah.
Yeah. And then the biggest breakthrough was like when I came home and they had been hanging out all day and then as soon as I walked through that.
Door, she was like ah, it was on so and did he.
Then go, oh my god, but she's been fine all day.
He was literally like, she has been fine all day, which is literally when you come home the door.
No, it's Bok says stuff like that to me too, and I'm like, what is your intense? You're saying that I'm the problem or that I'm the antagonist to this, but it is actually.
Just that they feel so safe with their preferred parent that they exactly once again.
Lucky yeah, lucky ass just flickering in the wind, your little freaks. But no, in that moment, I did feel really validated because I felt like he had witnessed it and he was like, why is she like this? And I was like, I don't know, and it seems to be getting worse and worse, and I'm so over it because the.
Thing about it is, right is like I'm exhausted at the moment.
I'm working the most I've ever worked while having a child. Yes, right, definitely, So since having Rue, I'm the busiest I've ever been. And she's the most difficult she's ever been, but also
the most like on me. And I kind of liken it too, you know, when you're trying to get out of like a T shirt or a jumper that's a little bit too tight, or maybe address you've gotta pull over your head, get tired, your head get stuck, and there's like that three seconds where you're just kind of slightly panicked and like, oh, he.
Need go get it off, get it off, get it off. It's like that, but it doesn't end. It's like that the whole time.
But is the greatest analogy I've heard about being touched out by a.
Kid, and it was the sading.
It was this morning that made me think of it because I was like finishing my notes for our show and I was.
Just peeling her off, like peeling her off, like get off me.
Charlie is trying to set up my birthday, Girk, but you got me a record player, and he's just like, sorry, boy, I'm trying to set this up and do a nice thing for you. It's like no, no, get her off nice, Like I get it, but stop that, we'll do it later.
Like the player is not important. What is important is getting this thing off me.
Yeah, it's just a lot, and I think you don't realize it. So it is really important that you have those breaks, and I think.
And acknowledge that it's bloody hard. Remember when we were trying to work and Lenny was on his thick day and he would not get off me.
I know, I felt so I was just looking at.
Me and I was like I kept losing it, and I'm like sorry for losing it, but I was just like he was sitting on my lap and then trying to touch the laptop, but then like glaring at key because you had the audacity of being in his house. And then we were trying to film something and he'd just like follow us around and then literally like sit on me while we were trying to film something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like it was a school in Brisbane.
It was like a Christian school or whatever, and I had the daylight rule where basically girls and boys.
It's so stupid.
I'm just gonna say this, there had to be daylight between you and I just want to yell at Roos sometimes like daylight, daylight too klose, if the sun come shines through us.
You're too close?
Too close? Do you need to cut up?
No?
Then get off?
Actually that Real Housewives of Beverly Hills thinking if I.
Can smell your breath you're too close, take a step back, Yes, sir, Literally, they do get weird.
Little they do. They do.
I let her in cheese before bed the other night, and I was like, she did not brush.
Probably because also I always think about that quote now where it's like when you're about to lose it, think about when you're eighty, like looking back on this moment and how much you wish that you would be in it. And this morning, as I was surfboard like holding Lenny like her surfboard to the car and he's screaming and
flapping around like an old fish. Yeah, I thought of that, and I thought, Nah, when I'm eighty, I'm going to sit back with a drink and think, thank fuck, I'm not surfboarding two year olds right now.
But honestly, Rue's gotten to the point where she is too heavy for me to lift. Yes, and I know it's taken me a long time because she's skin and bones, but we've gotten to the point and it is just this strong little bath tabs really difficult, and you don't realize when physic.
No, you are much stronger than I am.
Definitely not fitter. Actually, where did that come from? I'm the least fit person.
But yeah, you do have some good guns.
But even Charlie was like, I'm struggling to like carry her. And even our barista because we take rue over every morning and she she's been like sitting her on the bench and Charlie's like, I think she's getting too heavy for an as a whole.
And I was like, yeah, because.
They're solid, but they still think that their babies in should be carried and they're dead right.
And it's like and especially.
In these moments where you're trying to get them off you, they just go limp and they're heavy. That's like a block of cement, fourteen kilos of cement. It's like, mummy can't do this. Get away anyway. I was just ten minutes of us being.
Like, get off baby.
I bet people are listening to this at home though, as they try to peel a child off them. Yeah, yeah, exactly, a baby on their boob and they're just like, I get related. Then their husband comes home because you know what this I am going to stereotype because I guarantee you.
Women wouldn't do this to each other.
Yeah, like if you're in a lesbian relationship, a woman would come home and be like, you know what, I'm.
Going to give you a head scratch or like a something good.
Where as a man comes home and goes, oh, starving, I haven't had anything to eat yet.
I got a treat for you. It's in my pants. Fuck right off, just get in the bin, go to jail, get out.
We wanted our shitters input in this one, and not one person that responded to my little call out with my pesky questions said that their child didn't have a preferred parent, which I thought was interesting. Oh really, okay, one person. So it's very normal. So if you're living through this at the moment, very normal.
That's good.
It's not good, but at least like what it is because making me I feel like seventy four percent said it was with them, So seventy four percent of listeners it was with them, and twenty six percent said that it was their partner. Interestingly, twenty percent said the preferred parent wasn't the primary parent, which I thought was wild. I just assumed it would be closer to ninety five percent, like I thought, maybe there's a few little jerks that are like, oh, you do everything for me.
I'm just going to still prefer the other parent.
Yeah. I did read that, and I thought, I wonder the age of the kids. I wonder if they have a sibling.
Like one of my questions was about like when did it change? Did it change? Roughly sixty percent of respondent said it never did change, like just pretty much from day dok, kind of like me, I guess, yeah, it was just mum's the word. Thirty percent said it change when they had another baby.
This is what all my girlfriends say. And sorry to put it in blank terms, but they're like, it's actually nice having a second baby because the toddlers all about daddy O.
And I'm like, yeah, and the baby would probably seem a little bit easier.
Newborns are sorry other people's newborns no, no, no, no, no, you can say that the people. Whenever I'm hanging out with other people's babies, I'm like, oh my god, it's like a dream.
Yeah.
I find this toddler stage why more challenging newborn?
But I do know that I don't, but I can relate because I hang out with so many other babies and I always am like, why is the baby the easiest person here?
Yeah?
So I thought that that was just so interesting because I guess, yeah, the older child is going to gravitate towards then next parient if the og primary is now perpetually attached to something small that screams on. And also they're probably feeling a little bit like, oh, well, mummies got this new baby.
Yes.
Actually, my mother's group friend Vic just had her second baby, and I was like, how's it all going. She's like, Henriette's really off me at the moment.
And I was like, there's such like jerks.
Because one shitter actually said our todd that was pretty resentful towards me because of the arrival of our new baby. He loves the baby and really dotes on him, thankfully, but he was very cold towards me for a few weeks. That just made me laugh so much.
Like there's such little jerk sometimes.
Yeah, they know what they're doing, like, oh, you had another baby, so I'm gonna hang out with daddy.
Dad, I don't want to hang out with you anymore, filly old mull so key. I did ask the shitter is how did it affect you slash your relationship? I thought, I'm just gonna run you through some of the responses so that we can discuss.
And I haven't read these or anything. No, this is my actual response.
I just think they're so honest and will make other people feel better about whether they're feeling. And as always, we will share more on socials. I just know that when I was reading through them, I was like, oh, I just felt seen and.
Well, can I just say like that is our strength? I think that we have this amazing community of shit is it's like mother's group. So it's like as if we're coming together and sharing our stories like that is I think, which makes us so different?
Yes, yes, sir.
As soon as I went back to work when my son was ten months old, it was almost overnight that my husband became the preferred parent. Even though he went to daycare and we share the parental load fifty to fifty, he still prefers my husband for all activities. This breaks my heart as he pushes me away and yells for dad. I'm pregnant and my hormones are not coping. I can't
help but feel it's because I didn't breastfeed. Many experts say that it creates a special bond between mother and child, but maybe our bond isn't as strong as I thought.
It was.
I read this one and just.
Was like, oh my god, no, those stupid experts.
Yeah, I've had a gutful of that.
I've had a gut full because you do not need meet one adult and say, oh, you've got a great relationship with your mom.
Do you breastfeed? Heyck? Were you breastfed?
Oh?
Yeah, I was, say you were in your.
Mom's that's so true.
I was, yeah, there you go, there you go.
Example, I wasn't breastfed, and I've got a fantastic well sorry I was, but like I think she gave up pretty quickly. She was like, but this, I've got a great relationship with my mum. So that is so inaccurate. And I'm so sorry that people made you feel that way. This is just a really shitty time.
Yeah, and the pregnancy hormones, Like I can't even imagine how having to deal with that and see that we.
Love you, Yes we do, and we don't think that it's got anything to do with it, and we're experts, are his obviously it makes me feel quite hurt. Honestly.
I know they don't mean too but it makes me feel helpless and a little unloved. I am a kindergarten teacher. So I know that this is normal and I see it happen a lot, but when it happens to you, it hits on a different level. I feel like, I don't know what you did help my partner because he gets so frustrated and overwhelmed and at the moment he's just not getting a moment to breathe. And if I try to help, I get screamed at or pushed away, and it absolutely.
Breaks my heart.
Can I just say, it's so valid dating to hear from a professional. Yeah, they say it every single day.
But she's like, it's still killing me, of course, because it would kill me when I'm winging. By the way, if it was Luke, like Luke's always like, honestly, just does not bother me.
It's never bothered me.
He's so he.
Said it bothers me because of how worked up you get. Yeah, but he said, nothing to do with land. He just can recognize that it's so normal. If it was the opposite, I'd be like.
I think, yeah, exactly. I think as a mother, you as a mother, it's just hard like you grew that baby or in the relationship, like you are the mom that there's this expectation that the baby should love you the most.
Yeah than anyone. Husband feels pretty unloved. He doesn't resent me, but he definitely lets me drown in the overwhelm and thinks it's just my lot given I'm the trothsan one. I could relate to this so much though, because sometimes Luke sort of just hovers and watches Lenny pour at me and scream at me, and I think, can you get this child off me? Like, step up a bit, take the child off me. Maybe try to do something that makes you more likable. Yeah, I know that's really brutal,
but that's just the way. Make him a game that he can't resist. Just try something. It's not just my responsibility because he's Lenny's turning it into my responsibility.
You're an adult, Yeah, so I totally get how this woman is feeling as well.
Well.
I also think.
About like the rejection on the dads and two, like it's just everyone's feeling the same way, right Like one, I know when Charlie has tried to help me many a time, and you know, Rue just flies off the handles.
He's just like she just doesn't.
Want me, like well' and I'm like, oh, I know, babe, it's just a phase, but I know it just feels really shit that I can't help you.
Yeah, and also that you probably feeling a bit unloved. This lady said.
He feels so her husband feels incredibly left out. No one cares about me in this family.
Oh that's really sad.
It feels like.
Us my two girls and me is the mom. Then him way over there. But she's then said this, he never wanted to help at the start. He doesn't like the baby face. All the responsibilities fell on me, and now the girls too.
I kind of love the responses.
Now the girls just want to be around me. I guess you rep what yourself? You just know that She typed that, like, re what yourself?
Motherfucker.
I adore the girls and I love that they love me and want me all the time. But I do feel somewhat resentful, especially when I'm sick and I need the support and the girls just don't want him. However, I do get it fulfillment from doing all the.
Tasks that I do.
She talks about this a little bit more, and then she's saying it's fine, like we will get through this. It is definitely just a phase, but she's trying to encourage the toddlers to sort of spend more time with him and that sort of thing. But yeah, it'd be really hard to be that bloke and feel like I'm, you know, the left out party in the family.
I know, and if you don't have the capacity to be able to be like it's going to change, it's going to change. You're just building resentment on resentment and be really difficult.
Because yeah, no one wants to not be included, So a response from someone else it's actually their POV. I feel like I'm a separate entity from them. They are the family unit and I am the other person. I know it's not personal, but it really stings. At times I feel useless or like I've done something wrong.
You haven't done anything wrong.
It's so hard you haven't done anything wrong.
Far out.
I sometimes really spiral, and I think it's because I've done something to damage the attachment, and it can feel really tough. It's actually such an important topic on both sides because like, yes, Key and I've been winging a lot and saying how overstimulated and touched out or whatnot. But I just really want to validate anyone on the other end who's also feeling like shit, because it would
be heartbreaking. And it's all well and good for peace to say how normal it is, but if you're in that, it would be so hard.
Well, yeah, you just feel really isolated, wouldn't you, And like, no one I must not be able.
To like soothe or careful for the child and a partner for that matter, I feel like they're part of the family. Yeah, should we talk about strategies?
Oh, I love this.
I've tried to be a little bit helpful. So I found an article. I don't like a lot of articles.
I just think they're but this one, in particular, experts articles articles.
Any experts on anything. I'm just like, shut up.
Oh, it's just because you're always looking at it through this evangelical lens. If I've been there, done that, and now I can pass down my wisdom in.
It, So shut up.
Yeah, I understand, I understand.
Unless you're gen from connected parenting.
Yeah she will, she's a guardian angel.
But it was on big little feelings And I do really like this page and Insta I think that they're amazing. The article is called how to get your toddler to embrace quality time with both parents. And then it starts off with at the end of a long day with your kid, there's nothing better than hearing your partners say you've done so much, I'll take care of bath time and bedtime.
You just relax and you're like, fuck, eh, you're just gonna sit back.
Do you hold yourself a glass wine? You're sitting on the couch queuing up your Netflix and you hear it the cries of a devastated toddler echoing down the hall, and ride into your heart.
Oh it's hard, daddy, No duba, mummy, do ba.
Mummy, doba, And then they've put the caveat in for the record, parental preference isn't always mum, and parental preference is a thing in all kinds of beautiful families, of course, So then they go in to It is exhausting to be the chosen one. You're the go to for every little thing. It's enough to make you hate the sound of your own name. And if you're the one that they don't want, it can be equally frustrating and honestly heartbreaking.
You want to be a good parent and a good partner, but It is so tough when your child like they can't even stand to have to breathe the same error as you. So it goes on, but then it goes into strategies. Step one, Start small, so when you're at the end of your robe, it is tempting to change everything and anything at the same time. But for things to actually work, you need to start small. So you
choose one activity or routine to start with. And then they've used bath time as an example, so prep your toddler. Starting tonight, Mummy and daddy are going to take turns doing bath time. We both love you and we love doing bath time with you, so we're going to take turns. Tonight it's going to be daddy's turn, and then tomorrow be Mummy's turn. We're going to make a chart together
to help us remember whose turn it is. Step three use visuals because toddlers are so visual and they're very concrete thinkers.
Well you're gonna say, because noddlers are so dumb.
So dumb.
Well, so to help them better understand the concept of taking turns, create a chart, get them to help. If they like craft, I mean, I obviously won't let money help you because I'd be like, no, you're going to ruin my flock.
You can't touch my craft things.
But you could put like you and your partner's face on the chart and moved around so that they can visually see that. Step for let them lead with something age appropriate. And I remember Jen talked about this in our episode. Their brains cannot cope with huge decisions and huge leadership.
Yeah, but don't give them too much power.
Basically, but you can tap into their desire to be in charge by giving them an age appropriate leadership opportunity. As an example, have them check the chart to see whose turn it is to do bath time, and they cross off each day because that's like the perfect amount of responsibility. See things like this is so helpful. They are so then they've even included a script. Okay, it's bathtime. Let's check the chart to see whose turn it is. Can you point to whose turn it is? Yes, it's
mummy's turn to do bath time. Let's mark it off the chart with a sticker. Do you want to use a blue sticker or a red sticker?
Yeah?
Cute?
Cute sometimes easy. Just chuck them in and what to god, I don't know what it's like, and they're like more stickers.
See once again, though it's always better when you're looking at it from the outside, Yeah, because then it's more stickers, more stickers, but I want to cover my body with stickers. Finally, you'll wrap up the steps by reassuring your toddl of your love and reminding them of whose turn it is next.
It's Dad's turn tomorrow. Don't you forget it? Don't you forget it?
Because that was awful.
You screamed at me every single second while I tried to do your willy and do your teeth and ah, their pushback doesn't mean you give up. It means you stick to your decisions and you support your little ones through their upset feelings. Thank god they included that, because I thought there will be a lot of feelings. But then they go on about how it can take a while for them to get used to these things and it won't always be pushback.
So I just thought that article is really good, we will include it.
I love practical things like that, like, obviously there'll be a little bit of transition depending on kind of the personality type that you have, but it's not lots of hard work, and it's things that you can kind of just like stick to and get into the routine. I like it, Yeah, I like it.
The things that we do is that, well, we don't really have that many good strategies for at home, so I think implementing these sorts of things will be good.
Luke does take Lenny out a.
Lot, though, Yeah, So I have space for myself at home. Yeah, because sometimes Luke's like, why don't you just got it? I'm like, I don't want to.
Sometimes I want to be in my own home without someone being screamed at.
Yeah.
But also then the more he does that, I find the more Lenny won't kick up a fuss about leaving me so much like you'll be like, I can't. I've packed my little bag, got my toys by mummy because he's going to his cousin's house, or he's going to the shops to get a new car that he absolutely doesn't need. And I also try to encourage without forcing him. Len does prefer me to do bedtime, and it's just, honestly not a hill I'm willing to die on most of the time.
I'm like, whatever, well you at the end of the day, you too want the break.
Yeah, like, I'll do it fine.
But I'm like, oh, I really think it would be nice if you gave daddy a cuddle before bed.
Yeah, because I'm like, that's so mean that he's like, now.
I hate the word no.
Now I do school drop off.
So Luke does pick up, and Luke gets him up every single weekend day since I do weekdays and Lenny has been taught. Sometimes he does resist, but that he's not allowed to come into the bedroom. Oh if I'm sleeping, if the door shut, I'm like, absolutely fucking not.
Yeah.
Nice.
What sort of things do you guys have? Strategy do you have implemented?
I have weekends off and I'm usually off on holidays too, so that's something to look forward to. Charlie's also been coming home earlier, so he's been taking over bedtime, which has been really helpful. It's meant that I can actually squeeze in a bit more work because often my working day comes to a massive halt because I've got to do pick up. The mornings are really their time. So he gets her up, they get coffees, he feeds her
wheat bits, gets her dressed, does daycad. She just drop off Some days, depending on what I've got to do, you know that day. I think having set things that you do as primary and secondary care is really makes a difference because they look forward to those moments like that's their routine, that's their time with each of us individually. So I know, if I'll do a morning drop off, she'll be like, Daddy, yeah, but she kind of knows because that routine has established for kids. Yeah, and she
looks forward to it because she knows, you know. But I also note that this might not be feasible. I'm thinking about people that have partners that might be fi fo or or they might be single or solo parents.
But I think it's kind of the same idea here, is like carving out a set time each week for your kids to spend with either a family member, a friend that you trust, or getting a babysit up, because you're both going to look forward to that time, Like once that routine is established, just like the mornings that Charlie have together, say like every Sunday you have a babysitter a family member that comes for two hours, Say so you can go for a walk, go for a
walk like the other day becks just put Goldie into day care and finally Beck and she's like, I did the grocery shop by myself and it was so enjoyable.
It's a little thing.
It can be feeling like any activity that you're doing with a toddlet, you're running the gauntlet. I feel like I'm one of those like you feel show where you're like running and they're like.
Yes, you're stressed the whole time about even realizing that you are.
So sometimes it's nice, just like ticking a chore off your list without a screaming toddler who's just like on top of you. So I think for anyone that doesn't happen, Up up Up, I know, up up, and I'm like, no, you get.
Too heavy, Like I'm not just carrying you around.
Absolutely not.
So I think, yeah, having that time, especially if you don't have a partner or your partner works away or whatever, calming out that time. I know it may mean forking out a bit of money in that case if you have to get a babysitter, But.
If you are worth it, you're worth it.
Like, I think we need to prioritize ourselves as a preferred parents don't as well. I know, well I do, but most most mustn't confidence of a white middle aged man. All right, recommendations time, Kelleu mccurran, you're up.
My recommendation kind of ties beautifully off your strategies. Oh I really want the shitter is I want you to map time out for yourself. Oh, get a family calendar.
Do you have a family calendar?
We have, yeah, but it's not digital like we have it up and now that's what I mean.
Yeah, that's what Yeah, get a nice one, put it on the fridge and have it months in advance. So put things on the calendar. Yeah, no matter what it is, stuff that you don't want to forget, and also time for yourself.
Yeah.
I get so frustrated.
And I know that I shouldn't because I know that everyone's different. But when people will be like they let their partner be so incompetent, Yeah, and they do they let that person do it because you chose to have a baby with them.
Why are you letting them be so incompetent?
And response to that though, like sometimes they have tried and it's just not That's.
Why I'm saying, get the family calendar though, and put hey babe, Saturday, it's on the calendar. I'm going for a walk.
Yeah, okay, so small things.
Just oh god, it doesn't need to be a week and away, although I would love you to build your way up to that, please because girls' weekends are very important as our boys' weekends. If you're a bloke and you're listening, so actually putting things. I'm doing this for myself on Saturday. It's in the family calendar. Unless it's an emergency, it shan't be moved and just little things.
Go get a coffee with a friend. Yeah, just something small, got for dinner? Anything?
I love that.
Thank you so much for joining us today. Please share the pot on your socials. Please and review us. It means so much and let us know what you think. You can find us.
At Key Reese, at Kelly Underscore McCarron and at ASSR dot Pod.
This episode was produced by myself, Key Resells and the Lovely Kelly McCarran, with audio production by Madeline Joanna.
We'll see you next week. Shitter is Bye.