We acknowledged the traditional custodians of the land. We're recording on today.
Are you sh roll wear so much at that phrase? And everyone says it the days are long but the years short or time is a thief? Yeah, because it's just really laming cliche, but it's also fucking accurat.
It is it is. It is.
Welcome back to Eat, Sleep, Shit, repeat, the podcast that is all about the madness that is motherhood and everything unhinged in between.
I'm Kelly McCarran, I'm Key Resells and it's our man lands birthday.
And I am not okay, But if all goes well, he will be receiving a kitten in a box today, so I'll be distracted by tiny paws and tiny little mows.
Okay, this is possibly the greatest thing ever. He's actually getting a cat.
He's actually getting a cat. We're recording this a week in advance. He should be getting a cat, getting alat he is.
Well.
It's so interesting because I don't know if I've ever mentioned the cat on the pod, but about a year ago we had a random cat visiting on the.
Reg I remember, I remember Clarence.
Clarence and then all of a sudden. I think it was around winter. Clarence just like stopped coming and visiting. And it was really sad because sometimes we had to boot Clarence out because he and Percy would fight. Only Percy never fought with him. Clarence would try to dominate Percy. But like, he was really good with the kids, and Lenny loved playing with Clarence and we started feeding him, let him I did with them. I defleed him.
Yeah, you really looked after that car.
I really did. And I was very sad when Clarence stopped coming to visit us. And then there was one day where I was looking outside and Lenny was just lying on the deck thing, just waving this toy sadly around, trying to get Percy to play with him, and I was like, oh god.
But also can we talk about how Clarence wasn't a strake, He was actually a domestic.
Cat that was just coming wildly unsure. Well, no, sorry, he was, because yes, that tade that he came over with a collar on, and we were like, oh, oh okay, parent has just been coming over to get fed twice, which we don't mind because it and he had like one eye and it was just a funny much perse Well, then Percy lost his leg and we were like, we have a one eyed homeless cat and a three legged cat.
Taught me through the decision to adding another pet, Like, was Luke into this because you've had a rough trot with cats? And I'd be like, it is quite an emotional decision for you to get another one, I would imagine.
So basically, to cut a long story shot, I'll give you the TLDR of our history with cats. Luke and I got together about ten years ago, and then we had been living together for about six months and both of us really wanted a pet. We loved pets, and it was I think that was like one thing that I was like, oh my god, because I'd always wanted a pet as a grown up. I always had family pets, yeah, as a kid and a teenager. But every partner I'd
had before hadn't wanted to get a pet. That we always like, no, that's a silly thing to do, and Luke was like, yeah, let's get a cat. Like, because we're an apartment we didn't want to get a dog. Anyway, I started looking around at cats too, because we thought we will adopt maybe even an older cat or just I don't even know how the decision came around to get a cat instead of a kitten. But this one cat that I found up for adoption, its face just
called to me. And it had a ridiculous name. Its name was Whitechapel and it was a very overweight British short hair cat that the owners wanted to rehome because they had little kids, and White Chapel was kind of old and really cranky. And so I went around and Luke was like, not into getting a cat that was being rehomed that was older. I don't know, I think
he was a bit set on a kitten. Yeah, anyway, I went to visit this cat one night and I sent a photo of this cat and Luke was like, bring that cat home.
That's really sweet. So did you take it there?
And then no, No. I arranged to come back in a week or so because it was this people's cat they needed to cat.
Sorry, and we.
Took Whitechapel, who we then called Herbie because we were like, that's a ridiculous name. Sorry that you're ten years old and we are calling you a new name, but.
It's not gonna work.
Yeah, So we got Herbie. Herbie was twelve kilos. He was very overweight, and long story short, unfortunately we had to put Herbie down only ten months later because it turns out that another reason we think they were trying to rehome him was because he was absolutely riddled with cancer.
So you do think they knew about it.
I don't know how you wouldn't. You wouldn't. Yeah, Like he was pretty sick from the get go anyway, So that was pretty traumatic, but quite quickly I actually wanted more cats, like to begin with it, cat, I wanted another cat to be on with those. Oh I'm never getting a pet again. And then it was like a month later, I was like, oh my god, you we just needed they needed the companionship because it was traumatic. It was awful. Everyone has had to put a pet down.
It's a family member, like you just love it. And I wanted to get something that was a wildly different experience. So we were looking at kittens. I found this lady that was.
Yeah, like they had a litter that they needed.
To Yeah, they had a litter that they were looking for homes for. Except these were the last two kittens left, and I sent a photo of them to Luke, and I was like, which one. There was a white one and a little brown one. I said, I can't choose, maybe the bram one and he was like, get them both. I was like, we can't separate them because they were in this little box together and they were just so cute because they were siblings anyway, so lol, we got them both and we named them Percy and Polly, and
they were the cutest little siblings. It was such a magical few years with them both. But unfortunately, when Polly was only two, she developed a heart condition. And this is the short version of this story, but the shit that we have done for our pets. We went through over a year and a paf of every single day, no matter what we were doing, where we were, we had to be home at seven am seven pm to give our cat her medicine and of several different types
of medicine that we're helping her heart. So we'd be at like a wedding and Luke would have to disappear for an hour to go back home and give the cat medicine. And then we'd pay for like vet nurses to stay with our pets yes while we were away, because they needed to be able to medicate the cats. They also needed to know what to do if Polly started panicking.
It was a full time thing, like a lot of time job.
Thank god for pet insurance and thank god I had an understanding boss that was fine with me taking lots of time off through all of these or just being able to like rush home. Oh my god, remember the kiddie cam. Yes, I do. I remember the kid because Keen and I were working together when Polly was diagnosed with this. So she's with me through this, actually, and
you're working with me through herbie dying as well. So I literally had like a baby monitor for my cats and I would the day because I just had such bad anxiety that I was going to come home and she would be dead anyway. One hour was pregnant and I was in lockdown. One day she was having an episode and we thought that it was just a regular episode.
The VET said bring her in. She died and it was absolutely fucked and percy for I still get so upset talking about this, and it was like two and a half years ago.
Wait, so Polly died before Len.
Lenn never met her.
Oh my god, I didn't realize that.
I knows who she is because you've got photos and I like show him. But she was Luke's cat. She was Luke's baby. But it was funny because she was with me through that first trimester and when I was so ill, and it was just like she knew because she would come and sit on my womb and she never sat on me, but she would sit directly on my.
Worms are so intuitive around it's insane.
And Percy would just me out at the door and he looked for her for weeks. It was fucked. It was really sad.
That's really sad.
So we decided that we would get Lenny a kitten because we thought Lenny really deserves a little friend because he's so caring with animals and he just loves them so much.
And also getting pets for your kids is.
Like teaching them responsibility, teaching really care.
I always I got a bird.
Your parents and your grandparents sucked in that regard, because every kid deserves a pet. I think if you can afford it.
Ylan, it was a blue budgy.
Percy I think would really enjoy the friend. So that's why we are getting a kitten, but we're getting a girl, just to really minimize the risk of any dominance problems. You know, it'll be a little girlfriend for the.
Person to get along with. Very sweet.
So we're going to go to the iris PCA on the weekend hopefully and pick out a little friend with land to take home. Anyway, So that is why Lenny is getting a cat and we're getting not getting a dog because they seem like too much hard work and we still don't have a big enough backyard.
And also a dog and a cat like it's too risk.
It's been cruel for Purse. Yeah, I think he tolerates dogs, but like he's only got three legs. How's he going to run away from a dog?
It's not very nice. Well, the other thing I'm quite excited about today, I must say is the fact that it's the last recording day for me before I go on Matte leave.
Which is probably for the best given she's terrified of cats, and next week there will be an extra one.
Oh my god, I'm going to fully miss out on the cat. Can I just say? Though? When I rocked up this morning, Cal was like, yeah, how many weeks are you? Like, thirty three, thirty four. I'm like, I'm thirty seven weeks today and you're like, why are we still working?
Yeah? I was like, what is wrong with you? What are you chucking?
And me?
But Ru is going to want to come over and visit the kit, for.
She loves all animals. She's not scatter cats like me. But I will just say that having one three legged pussy is scary enough without a small feeline running around. So I am kind of glad leave his beginning. Yeah, just a little bit.
Well, moving on, So we've discussed the gift, hopefully a pussy in a box.
Hopefully a pussy in a.
Box, because today is Lenny's third birthday and I just simply cannot fathom where the last three years have gone. But it also feels like a lifetime. I just roll why I so much at that phrase and everyone says it the days are long, but the years is short or time.
Is a thief?
Yeah, because it's just really laying cliche, but it's also so fucking accurate.
It is it is, it is.
But Key, I'm really interested. I feel like you have felt differently about Ru's birthdays to how I've always felt around Lenny's. So can you walk me through how you felt She's had two and she has a third upcoming.
Yes, So I've always been really excited to celebrate her but also us, Like I feel like, especially the first birthday was such a milestone just to like reflect on, like, hey, we made it through that first year.
I remember you were like, there's drinks. This is for us.
Oh yeah, there's alcohol at any party that I'm hosting. Just let me tell you. When I was thinking about being a mom and how I would parent, I felt like, I think a lot of what I'm doing is definitely like healing in a child. I know that sounds so wanky, but like I don't want her to have any like really weird feelings around anything. I have a lot of weird feeling around my.
Birthday because a birthday, I hate it. I always like feel let down by it.
Yeah, And I don't want her to feel that way. Like I want to like celebrate these milestones with her, make them really exciting, not in like an extravagant way. Watch me like rent a fucking jumping castle.
Next shit, You'll be like, hell, are you available? Face painting?
Yeah? Actually, the latest kid's birthday I went to, there was a face painter and it went off.
Kids love it and they wait patiently.
They do, and I'm like, where's this energy for anything else?
Yeah? We really why and more people not ask me to do?
Yeah, you are so good. Actually I can.
Do pussy cats and unicorns and shit.
Can you do barber black sheep? Because that's what we requested it.
This sounds offensive.
She wanted a black sheep?
Can we not have black face kids running around?
We were a little bit like, this is a little bit.
White face with black ears.
Yeah, yeah, something in the middle or something in it all. But like, I don't want it to be particularly over the top. But what I always want to feel is that we're celebrating her each year and the things that she's accomplished and up until I think she can really do stuff that is worth celebrating. It's more celebrating us, yeah, but also giving thanks to the people who are like in our supports, ceiling and our village exactly. I think for me, it's just about doing all the things that
I wish were done for me kind of thing. Anyway, So the traditions that we've kind of implemented so far have been writing a letter.
For each birthday to her, like in a baby book.
No, just like birthday card, oh, like a little letter, just say do you store them? Though? I store all of her stuff. I saw all of my cards, all of Charlie's cards. I just have like a box that everything goes into. We also have like a tradition that Lucy's boyfriend John makes her birthday cake. The first year he did a number one, and then the second year he did a giant turtle because she was so obsessed with turtles. Was really cute.
I wonder if she's gonna want to whale this year. She's still obsessed with the whale. I know, whales of hard or a snail. Snail John that would.
Want a snail, She could want Mowana. I think it might be the year a black sheet. Or she might want Poor, the pig that is literally on Mowana for twenty seconds that she's obsessed with.
Lenny's asked for a big truck. So I've got trucks are easy, though, I reckon I'll be able to know it.
Yeah, I reckon, truck's easy. You just make it yellow and put some on.
Someone said, tell me about buying one. I'm like, I'm a fucking spinning three hundred and fifty.
Dollars a cake. Also the uglier, the like it's like that's what I reckon, Yeah, I reckon it's really funny. And then like a family photograph. I know that's like silly, but sometimes on these days you can forget to like take a family pick together. I love seeing them next to each other and seeing how much she's changed, but also seeing how much we have changed. Like you can really see the confidence from first to second birth. Yeah, we know how to hold her.
Yeah, you know what you're doing.
Yeah, A little bit more so for her first birthday, well, she had pneumonia which wouldn't fin out to the end of the day. I forget, never forget.
Oh she's a bit floppy. I get it together, GF, this is your day.
It was so bad. Obviously, looking back, it was obvious that she was unwell, but we just didn't pick up on it. But I remember I was being so stressed, mainly because it was a fucking cyclone weather. It was event Still, people rocked up though, and we got a little gazebo up happening and whatever. I made the most of it, but I also loved it so much because we got to really thank our village in that moment.
Just made a really small speech, just saying like, obviously, living in Sydney, you're our chosen family and we're just so thankful to have you here, and just like seeing people turn up for your kid is like really special, you know, I don't know, I really really liked it.
That's such a good point because I think that's where I feel very sad for Lenn every year. I'm like, oh God, there's really no one in his corner. But then you pointed out last year you were like, Kelly, you don't have birthday parties from.
You don't And that's when people show up to show you their love. Like I think it's really a card, that's all I'm saying. Who sends cards these days? Well you send a text message and that's not very personal. But if you have a birthday, people do cards still, like they really do. You need to do it. Because this is the thing, right, is that we isolate ourselves to the point where we think, oh, no one cares. But if you have an event, people like, oh fuck yeah,
I'm coming to that. I'm going to celebrate you. I'm going to support you. I'm going to like be there for you. Who wasn't there, Kelly, Both times because you're like, oh.
You know, you want to support someone. The first time, I did make up an excuse because I just didn't feel like gone because it was really bad weather, and.
I was it was really mean.
Well, yeah, so then everyone got sick, did they not? And that's what I was scared of.
No, no one got sick. Rue had to go to hospital for three to four days. I mean it was not good. Yeah, she her breathing was really bad. She got.
That was also during the stage where Lenny would just scream, so it would have sat in a fucking corner with him. It's yeah, it is more miserable for me. Back in the day. My second party, we actually did have something on. I can't even remember what it was, but I remember having to tell him being like because we had joked or she roasted me the whole year about me not attending Rue's first birthday and then I was like, what was it? I can't but it was something I actually could have.
It was like some friend I'd never heard of his birthday or something, and I was like, whatever, I'm sure it's not true.
It was.
It was true, it was legitimate. It was fine. I loved just like you know, yeah, yeah.
I really like, can you at least give me notice for Bruce's birth birthday because be really awkward.
Okay, it'll be the last two weeks of April or the first week of May, so just keep those three weeks free. Three weeks. We'll figure it out. But yeah, as I said, it kind of ended up in a bit of a fucked way. Everyone had so much fun though. It was really fun and a few people stayed after and it was just really good. But then I realized you'd been sleeping for like five hours and.
You were like, shit, I have to take your to hospital. And then it was like four days.
Yeah, and we actually then spent our first proper mother's day in hospital, which was really sad. Bomb bomb second birthday also not great. Also not great. It was a few months after Deb's passing, so.
Bareley it was like, it's like two months, Yeah, it was do we.
Want to celebrate? Do we not want to celebrate? But what got it across the line for me is that we decided to co host with her bestie Goldies parents Luke and Back, and honestly, joint birthdays are so much fun. Sharing the lot.
Me and my sister are going to do a joint one next year for the Yes. Good, but at the moment we didn't have anywhere to do so.
Yeah, so fair enough, fair enough. But I think what happens with a lot of these kind of kid related tasks is that the mental load does fall to the mum. Like it doesn't matter how helpful the dad or you know, the secondary care is a lot of that mental load still falls on you. So if you join forces, you're kind of sharing that mental load. Which and cost and cost yeah, which was also.
Telling me what you spent on that second birthday that on it was like so good.
Oh it was not expensive now, it was really reasonable. But what I really liked about that birthday was just like so nice after having not really socialized much in those two months leading up to her birthday, it was really nice just to have all of our friends in one place to catch up. And I think that's another reason why it's important to do birthdays, is because a lot of parenting little kids is not seeing all of
your friends all the time. Yeah, so like having something in the calendar that's kid friendly, that's a little bit more relaxed, you can see your friends. It's a good thing to tick off the list, ye know, instead of not doing anything and then going even longer without potentially seeing friends. And afterwards, the after party is always funner than the party. Like we hung out with Beck's family
and Georgie. Charlie's sister was in town, so that was really beautiful as well, just to kind of like reflect on how lucky we are to have them in our lives. And I don't know, there's just a lot of people that care about Ruin. It's so sweet to have those reminders.
Yep.
And I'm never not going to have a birthday party for her, even if you.
Feel like I should fail.
They're so fun.
I know it's too late now though.
This is the thing. It doesn't have to be big.
I'm having our immediate family over for a barbecue. Yeah, lovely, you know. And then Uncle Stink's my best friend is coming over today after daycare and we're putting a little birthday party on just us.
So we're doing things exactly. And that's what I wanted to say. It like doesn't have to be big birthday.
Heaps of people, so yeah, but it's.
Just something that's like celebrating, Oh yeah, no, doing.
We celebrate him. I should have Clara. Yeah.
And also the two birthday parties I've had for have been in our backyard. They're not over the top. We get some bunting from Kmart and we get a couple of what are those tables called trestle table.
Trestle tables, chuck a little thing. Give me one of those birthday parties. I hate seeing Pinterest birthday parties. No, I'm just like, who is that for? No? I know who are you doing this for? For the gram? Also give me a proper, low key like past the past al.
Yes, oh my god, he is old enough.
Maybe next year I want to do like a proper birthday party, like proper lollibags. Yes, none of this ship with healthy stuff in them or stup a little toys, give the lollies. I want to do like past the pastl musical chairs, like just all the ugly, like tacky birthday ship that we had, party hats so yes.
Egg spoon rays like all that fun stuff. It doesn't have to be aesthetic, but it just needms to be fun exactly with some champagne.
With some champagne for the time, and if it's the morning, look you can do a bellini.
The most exactly lovely, So talk me through your feelings then about birthdays?
Oh goodness me. The reason why I did want to do this episode because you might be listening and thinking, well, this is just a very narcissistic way for you to chat about your child's birthday party.
No, I don't think so. I think a lot of people listening are going to be either you or me about this. Well.
Yeah, it's funny because when I did sort of ask the shit is what they thought, which I'll read some of the responses later in the episode. A couple of different people said, I think I'm alone in how I feel about this, and I was like, oh my god, that's why I want to do this episode, because it's not You're not alone. One thing that I have learned is that you are never alone. Not one thought that you have is a unique experience. I promise you that totally.
And I think it's just that we are conditioned to believe that there's only one way of doing things because there is a dominating visual of what it means to be a good parent exactly, which means like an over the top aesthetic Pinterest's birthday party, and it's like fucking hell, that sounds really stressful exactly.
So I personally get very depressed around Len's birthday. I always really really struggle because for me, it reminds me of the day I first completely disassociated from my life, Like the pain was just so intense and I just couldn't deal with it that I kind of just went elsewhere because I'm thinking about his birth of days and for thirty nine weeks in four days, I grew learning in my body, and I imagined our life together, and I imagined his day of birth being the happiest day
of my life. And every year then the day would just be like this big cause for celebration because it's the day that he entered the world. Yet the shadow on his birthday is that it's a day that began the hardest period of my life, and I remember moments and feelings not really the day, and I think that it signals the start of my PPD, which turned so much of Len's first year, especially into just like this big folk yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I feel really depressed about it, and then I feel guilty that I feel depressed about it, and then I feel just so overwhelmed with grief for all of those lost memories and those precious moments that I will never get back. Especially I think an added layer is because I am so sure that he is just the one baby. So a big part of why I would want to have a second is I want another turn. Yeah, yeah, I want to do it again and like remember the moments and get memories like yeah, it's part of that
rather than even it's just weird. And another layer of why I find it so hard is because I have such an incredible memory. Usually, Yeah, it freaks people out. The visceral way that I remember things is almost weird, Like it does freak people out sometimes, the stuff that I can remember, like I literally can feel the joy
that fizzed inside me. I can feel like my whole body just fizzing the joy when I was a teenager and was playing like Red Rover at a school sleepover, because we were far too old to be playing Red Rover, like you know, we were teenagers, we were too cool, But that kind of just made it all the more fun. Like I remember that moment, I remember the joy that
was fizzing through me. I don't have any photos of this, so it's not like it's a photo that I'm looking at and remembering it's the joy, and I remember it like I remember the anger that was reverberating through me
and almost fizzing with anger. This one time that I was an angsty fifteen year old and I had a stupid fight with my parents about talking on the phone to a boy because it was dial up season and Mum had to work, and I just was sitting outside crying angry tears and I just felt pure hatred at the world for my woes. I remember that like I remembered terror ripping through my body. On my wedding days, I walked up the aisle and I refused to look
up at anyone. And that was the first moment I realized I actually don't like being the center of attention. I always thought I did, but I really don't. I felt terrified. Yeah, yeah, And it was funny. I recently went to visit my friends that had a newborn, and I was reminding one of my friends details that he'd forgotten about his own time as a father with his firstborn.
I was like, oh, my god, remember these notes that you used to make and details about a haircut, and then this story of spilt milk, and he's looking at me like an absolute shock. How could I remember these details about his life that he didn't remember that I was reminding the fog. I remember stuff like that about everyone at all different stages, and I'll correct people. Sometimes. I'll be like, no, it wasn't that, it was the other correct, we could do that, and then they're like, well,
it's helpful. I would say it's very helpful. Probably not great that I remind people of things they'd rather forget. Yet my own time and my own memory with Lenny feels like this big blur. It feels like it's happened to someone else and I just watched from the periphal. I know what's happened because I document so much of
my life with videos and photos, but I don't remember it. Yeah, I don't remember his chubby little hands clapping, but I have a video of his chubby little hands clapping, And now I will look at the shape of his cheeks and the way he purses his little lips when he's pleased with himself. Those are things that I can't capture with photos and videos. And I'm so terrified that I'm going to lose those memories too.
No, I'm so scared, You're not.
I just want to freeze, freeze time because I don't want to ever forget. And now I feel like I'm in it and the fog is gone. Of course, things are still hard sometimes and I feel exhausted, but I feel like I can really enjoy and embrace him. But I'm just so scared that I'm going to forget stuff that I can't capture because my memories have failed me
so much so far in motherhood. And I feel so cranky because postpartum depression is this fog that robbed me of all of these memories and moments and his birthdays just a reminder of that, because in some ways I feel like it does continue to do so, and I'm just terrified of continuing to forget. My memory has for so long been a big superpower for me, but when it comes to the most important thing, I can't grasp my memories.
Yeah, And I know a.
Lot of people would feel like this. What I would give for like half an hour with him when he was a baby, Yeah, to remember it and to feel like I was there. Yeah, And just also to tell him that I love him. Oh. I told him that when he was little, I didn't remember if I did, and also to tell myself that you will be okay, you are a good mum, Like I just wish that I could tell future me that then of course that makes sense.
Yeah, but can I just say, like, none of that was your fault?
I know that, but that doesn't make it. I don't think any of it's my fault.
Yeah, and I think that you've done so much work well, well, but you've come so far. Yeah, maybe that's a better way to put it. Not everyone's newborn phase is easy, right, but it's this much. It's so small in the grand scheme of his whole life.
I think it's just that they physically changed so much within that period too. Yeah, that's the fucked thing that I think that zero to three there are just so many stages. I don't think from three till six he will change as much. Yeah, but he will lean out, he will grow a little bit, but he's not gonna it's not going to be this entirely new person that's learning how to sit up and.
Yeah, those little things. But I don't know if I remember a lot of that stuff either. Some of it I do, some of it I don't. But I think that the thing was you were always there for him. You never just like left him, you.
Know sometimes yeah you wanted to, you thought about it, it didn't but you didn't.
And I think that's the thing. Like you always showed up every day no matter how hard it was, and you would say tomorrow is a new day, like it's not going to necessarily be as bad as a last. Like you had a lot of hope in those moments as well.
I'm weirdly optimistic.
Yeah, we's sharing how rough it was.
Also, like just in sometimes in general, I'm like weirdly optimistic about stuff.
Yeah, well I think you know, it always has a way of working itself out, Like this is.
Such a tangent. But at the end of February, Luke's starting a new job that will have him away Monday through Saturday.
I did not know.
Oh my god, no, it's this is a discussion for another day. And my one concern I can't miss nipple.
What do we know day.
I've spoke to so many people. I'm like, maybe I could just bring him and set him up with some things to do and he can just watch and sit there. And every single person has been like, are you serious?
I actually think that's a good idea.
Why wouldn't he other kids sit there.
I remember going to like my uncle's basketball games as a kid to watch him, like play basketball and stuff.
I don't think he'll watched, but I'll set him up with an iPad, snacks, toy cars. It'll be fine, and hoping that he'll just watch me. We'll sit there. Yeah, I'll be able to see him. Obviously, I reckon they're.
A little bit more resilient than what people think. I think that's fine.
I guess you don't think I'm actually being We're the optimism. No, okay, right away.
That's like you want to do your netdie. You found a solution, and I reckon it's.
Nettie is the most important.
Anyway.
I do think that it is getting better, so I will agree with you on that. And a sign is that I even wanted to do this episode because last year I didn't even want to acknowledge that it was his birthday.
Yeah, I didn't we say much in the clouds.
It was like it wasn't a thing obviously said to him, it's your birthday.
But as you were saying all that stuff, like I totally get it. I have so much weird feelings around my birthday, and if there's any trauma associated to something, you don't want to celebrate it.
Yeah, but I.
Think seeing him grow and change, you want to celebrate the new stuff.
Yeah. And it also helps as he gets older because now he's so excited. Yeah, he keeps saying I'm three next week, I'm a big boy. And he's really smart and he is excited for presence of course in the food although so things. I also wanted to give a tip because one of my last sessions with my psychologist lol was this time last year when we talked about all this stuff. Yeah, and I spoke about all the grief that I feel around Wednesday. She suggested that I
do something for me every year on the day. I love that, Like, I take it off from work if I can, and actually just go and do stuff that's just for me, to also celebrate how far I've come every year.
Definitely.
Now. I didn't last year because I got really busy from work. But I am aiming today that this episode is going well.
Yeah. Nice.
Before we move on to the shitter responses, would you like to hear a bit of a poem that I wrote for Lenn, Yes, I would.
It's just the thing Kel loves to do, a sneaky script surprise.
I sent her like the skeleton of the script and I'm like.
Oh, it's a bit small. We're gonna have to beef this out.
And then she's unaware of the secret script that I have that has all of the stuff in it, but I don't want to read first. You also then you try to call me, and you'll send me a message, Oh, just did the script?
Are you okay? Yeah?
And I'm like, fox sake, yes, I'm fine. Okay. Now I'm no author, I'm no Silvia Plath. Oh but here is my little ode if you will to learn to learn it's so bad.
But what's a title.
It's titled three Candles.
Oh my god, I just got a little like wave of emotion over me. It's very poetic.
Well it is a poem, I know.
I'm just saying, you're really committing.
To the bit. Three candles now, three tiny flames for years that passed but can't remain, a chubby hand, a cheeky face, the fleeting pace of time's embrace. Your laughter is so loud, so pure, and so sweet. Tiny shoes on growing feet, a dimpled grin those big blue eyes, A boundless little boy who lights my skies. I watch you grow, my heart it feels tight, for time has wings and takes its flight. The cot stands empty once
your nest. The many dummies now take their rest. You run, you leap, a blur of glee, high energy in all that you see, each laugh, each tumble feels the air a little whirlwind everywhere. I hold your hand. Though you might not stay, for life will call you far away. But even as I grieve the past, the moments here are fleeting and fast. I cherish now the in between, the fragile thread of what has been. For Though I long for time to freeze, your future, is yours to cease.
Three candles burn, A tender plea to pause this time, just you and me. A piece of me will always yearn for days that time cannot return. Yet in your eyes a spark, I see a gift that life has given me. Though time moves on, my love will stay forever yours in every way.
Cows really sweet cry right now you.
Can save it for Roue his birthday.
It was really good. I feel like that was really good poem.
Really yes, it's so lame. It's so like rhyme.
I don't rhyme if I find those poems hard to read and relate to.
I really like a little rhyming.
I love a rhyme. I think that's beautiful. You need to get that printed out and framed for him.
Oh that's a nice idea. Can you imagine when he's a teenage He'll be like, fux sake, especially for every year. The next year, I'm like four candles, four candles, twenty eight candles. At the end of my life, He's like, why not only do I have a letter, an unhinged letter from you every year, but I have a really badly written poem where you just have to rhyme everything.
But then imagine if he turned around for your fiftieth and was like fifty candles and wrote you a poet?
Are you writing a movie?
I think, I am.
Wow. I'll get this baby out of her all right. Moving on to some shitter responses, because I think it's important to acknowledge all of the different ways that people feel. I haven't included everything, obviously, because there was a lot, but we will also pop some more on our socials and I just try to choose like a different array of responses that articulate different things that we feel.
Love that.
So I'm not an experienced mum. Firstly, Okay, I'm like not finished the first line, and I'm like, here's some feedback that no one asked for.
I was like experienced. I'm not experienced.
No one is experienced. I hate that this mum has put this because it's like we're literally experienced.
No.
I really doubt there are many actually experienced moms with like ten kids under a belt. No listen, well, there wouldn't be many, no listening to our unhinged rambles. My son is only eighteen months, but I feel so mixed about his birthday so far. He was a much wanted IVF baby, four years of trying, possibly our only child. I feel guilt wishing time away, especially during tantrums and teething shit sleep times. But I also feel immense sadness at him growing and changing from a baby so quickly.
This is why I think that it must just been those first years that people find it so hard when they do change so much from a baby. They're a newborn, then they're a baby, then they're a toddler.
I know, but I just don't have those feelings. So I just think I'm so excited for her to get older.
I wonder if some of it has to do with you knowing that you're giving her a sibling and it wasn't your only one.
I think so, because that's the commonality between you and the shitter, right.
There was a lot of commonality if they were one and done or if it was their last baby.
Yeah. See, then I can understand that because I've read that a lot with like last pregnancies, you know, like knowing this is going to be your last pregnancy and really like being emotional about that. So yeah, I think for sure that would have a lot to do with it.
I cry every year for my every child the night before. I'm super sentimental, and I mourn the versions of my babies. I take a photo of them sleeping creep alert on their last night that age. Isn't that cute? I'm maybe I'm also really sentimental. Yeah, so that is something that I would do. I kind of love it. I love the idea of like a mum creeping in it, like for a fourteen year old being.
Like he this is your last night of being before doom.
Birthdays are weird. This is another really good point. Birthdays are weird when you've had a traumatic birth. A mixture of pride for how far you've come, happiness that your little one is a year older, but also some sadness that you're surrounded by people celebrating and no one is acknowledging that this is also the anniversary of one of the hardest days of your life.
Yeah, that's such a good point, such a good point.
So this mom she talks about like everything that she does in the prep and then she says, all you do is prep and it's such a busy day. Then you sit down at like nine pm and it hits you. The memories flood back, their first smile, the year that's gone, the hard time that don't seem that hard anymore they definitely were, and the good time seems so much better. You reflect on yourself and you feel good and horrible at the same time for various reasons, and someone asks, oh,
how are you or what are your thoughts? And there is no way to verbalize every single feeling that you have, so you just say, oh, it's their birthday. It's just been a big day, and inside you're just trying to process everything. Wow.
I never realized that this was such a thing for people.
Oh my god, it is such a thing. Like I just I feel like you are an exception. There was a lot of people. I would say seventy five to eighty percent of the respondents had lots of feelings about it, and then so twenty five ish.
I wonder if that will change, like as they get older. I think for me, I'm one thing that I'm thinking that is going to be really hard is like school. When they start school, I feel like that's going to be a really big emotional.
Shaker, the idea of like sending them off into the big wide world.
Yeah, but it's just so interesting having this perspective. I feel silly not realizing that that.
Why would you thought if it wasn't your experience. Guess I feel happy, But then there's this other part of me that's really sad and angry. Sad because time is a thief and it feels like only yesterday pushed her out of my huha. I couldn't believe we'd already made it past the twelvemonth mark. I can only imagine how fast her little life is going to go from here, and it devastates me that I can't hit pause and soak up every little second, which leads me to why
I feel anger. I hate the social constructs of how society has essentially forced mothers to have to go back to work. We always knew when she turned one it was a sign of the end of my maternity leave, and now that it's here, I can't help but feel so angry that I can't choose to be a stay at home mum and raise my child that I chose to have. Instead, I have to palmer off to family members or daycare while I go to earn more money because it's impossible in twenty twenty five to live off
one income per household. Yeah that was also a really valid point.
Yeah helps.
I get really sad that she's getting old and I want it to stop. I also can't believe that it's been that long since she was born, and stress I've missed too many moments, and then worry I haven't loved her enough and I want to go back and do it again, and then hug her tight and never let her go. I feel things about how he's growing and maybe I wasted His baby is riddled with anxiety trying now for baby number two, but coming to terms that it might not happen, and then I really did waste
the baby time. This is yes, but on the flip side, those feelings are forcing me to slow down and embrace the todd The time being away from family in a new city without a close circle means I feel sad that he won't have a giant party that he deserves on his third birthday, so I'll probably just overcompensate with
too many presents. I play Stevie Wonder's Happy Birthday and Google Home when I go into his room on his birthday, which makes me superterio as we dance around, just remembering all the times before and how much he has grown. It's so very beautiful to see him change and grow, but also immensely sad as I think of him as my little baby. Two things can be true at once. I try to make his birth as fun and happy
as possible. This year, he's choosing the theme Poor Patrol and the cake he wants me to bake for him. Seeing his little face light up as I came out with the candles really hit me in the feels. I know I'm probably alone in this and It could probably just be my mental health, but I feel a weird sense of guilt. Only way I can describe it is like, Oh, they're X years old now, and I wasted that year. I should have done more age appropriate activities with them.
I wasted it. They missed out. It's really awful because I want to be more like, Oh, wow, look how far we have come. We're so much wiser. We're both are. For context, I have a fifteen year old and a one year old.
This is so interesting.
I wonder if it's like, are you sentimental?
I am, but I just feel like my level of like I wonder if it has to do with how low the bar was for me, But do you know what I mean? Like for me, I just feel like the hardest part about being pregnant is that I feel like I've been a bit of a ship mum and because I've been grumpy and not had any kind of extra mph to give right But overall, I'm just like I'm fucking killing it because I think the bar is so low. I feel like, when I'm listening to all
these people, what is the expectation that you're working to? Like, what are you thinking that you need to be doing like.
I think it's pressured that everyone's putting them on themselves, or that we feel lost inside or I.
Know, I think that is just crazy, Like, well, you can't tell people that the way they feel it. No, no, no, I want to shake them and be like, you are doing it. You don't need to be so hard on yourself. Like seeing his little face light up when you brought out the cake with the candles. You did that, You created that moment and that memory for them. That is huge. Yeah, and I'm doing more activities throughout the year. You did what you could do.
That's really good advice. You did what you could do. Yeah, I like that advice.
I feel like I'm the wrong person for this episode because I'm just like all of you are amazing and you better believe it now.
No, that's what people need to feel. Okay that I want to read it, and then the rest I'll put on socials or what on. I have all of the feelings all at once. Parenting feels like I'm constantly adjusting to new normals, letting go of the old, embracing the you. There's better and worse things with every age. Parenting can force you to be more resilient with change. I thought that was really yeah, yeah, I like that. I feel
proud I have a little gal. She's five, with disabilities, and every year I compile a video of all of our favorite moments over the year, and I can see her progress, which is much nicer than the annual NDIS appointments, which I have to say, how she isn't reaching any of her peers, and how challenging my life is. Oh god, I do feel sad for the little baby that she once was before I knew how hard our life would be.
And I feel happy because she loves the shit out of her birthday and I write her a letter every year for her birthday.
That is really sweet. I feel like also that perspective right when you've been through something hard, it gives you perspective and it gives you a little bit of like room to feel.
Breathe and to feel that you're nailing it killing But.
Not everyone has that perspective, and they have really high standards that they're holding themselves to.
Yeah, and no one else is.
And no one else is. I guarantee any of these shitters that have written in.
Their partners, their friends, friends, parents, they would all be saying that they're doing absolute still a job. I also think a really good piece of advice that I once heard is if you think that you're doing a bad job, or you worry that you're doing a bad job, you're a good parent. Because a bad parent wouldn't even.
Worry, it, wouldn't give two shits.
Or even think to think such a thing.
No, they would definitely think they're killing it.
And yeah, they would just like have middle aged white man confidence and be like, I'm slaying this. You absolutely not.
No, it shows how much you care.
Yeah, anyway, that's all I'll say about the birthday.
But well, I wanted to say that I'm particularly blown away by just how much you love Lynn, how much of a good mum you are. So happy third birthday to your.
Womb whatever you would call it.
It was tough, but I feel like every year gets better and better. It does, and he's the happiest boy.
Like, well, at the moment, we're going through some feelings, but yes.
Feelings are feelings, feeling, they're all little shit at the end of the day, but he's happy. Recommendations, Yeah, I do have one this week.
Oh why are you?
Because I feel like you might give me shit for it. Oh, I've not watched it, so I've got a good So I realized I am a little bit late to this, but I know I'm a bit daggy, right, Like I've rewatched Friends that many times the series. But for me, it's really good, comforting, like it's just something you can
put on. I know it's a little bit problematic. It has an age very well, but there's just something really like warming about it and you just feel like it's a warm hug slightly different TV show, but Veep has kind of filled that void for me.
Politics is about people. Politics is about people.
I've met some people, Okay, real people, and I gotta tell you a lot of them.
Medi It's I remember, I always want to tort you. It's about Mara Juanna. Correct, No, what sure am I thinking of?
Julia Louis Dreyfuss. So the chick from Seinfeld's done a bunch of other great roles, obviously, but she is the vice President of America.
It was actually called Weeds.
Yeah, Weeds. Yeah, that is actually I think a good show. I never watched it either, but it's just really funny and I think she's outstanding and she won a bunch of like Emmys for this role. Anything that she's on, you know, it's guaranteed to be good because obviously she takes a lot of time to read scripts and commit
to something. But it's just so funny. It's obviously based around politics in the US, but it's just interesting and I don't know, they just the writing is so clever, and the personalities in it are just so heightened and ridiculous and funny and over the top. It's great. We watch it every night.
Oh my god, an episode discovering more of a retro TV show because then you've got so many seasons.
Yeah, and it's just it doesn't take itself too seriously.
How long do the episodes go for? Oh like twenty twenty literally, like a friend's like a totally yeah, so good.
It's a perfect little it's on Binge and we've just been loving it. And there's a few seasons as well. It's just so funny because it's just obviously like taking the piss out of politics and like what politicians do and so, but it's also behind the curtain, so you like see that.
It's interesting. It's just always really like scandal, the BTS is Yeah, but that's a drama.
That's a drama. This is very much comedy satire, highly recommend. Just feels a little void that Friends is. I can't watch Friends for like a twentieth time. I mean I can, and I will, but we need to watch something else.
To introduce it to rue at some point.
What's yours?
I have two? First? One is the best book I've read so far this year. Okay, I know it's January. It's called Wedding People. Oh my god. I've been seeing it a lot, like I think it's a lot of people's book club books at the That's why I've seen it.
Yeah.
I saw someone from the Shameless podcast posted about it like it's blowing up at the moment. I think it was a huge book. It came out halfway through last year. I don't usually like what I would call chick lit eat oh I do, but it's actually not chick lit like it is. It's like a holiday read, but it's got quite dark themes. Okay, but it's written in a way that is just so beautiful. Have you ever read
any of Matt Haiges's books. No, He writes The Midnight Library, The Life Impossible Reasons to live like, it's a lot about mental health. And he's a beautiful writer. It's almost like Matt Hagu wrote a chick lit novel. Oh wow, Like it's so good. Yeah, I can't even tell you how good it was. Every single person in the entire world could read this and enjoy it. I think, Okay, I just loved it. I'll put it on my list for post baby. Yeah, and I'm like through the birthing books.
I read it on my Kindle. I think you could even listen to it, and it would be a nice one to listen to because it's so light, like it's not deep enough that there's different characters that you sort of need to pay attention to.
Yeah. Yeah.
And then a movie that I watched on Amazon Prime, Beautiful Boy. It's older twenty eighteen.
There are moments that I look at him, this kid that I raised, who I thought I knew inside and out, and I wonder.
Who he is. It's got Steve Corell and Timothy Chamalay in it. How do you pronounce.
Its shallam may challa may? What did I say, shamalay? That's the same thing, Charla may shallow shall I?
I don't know you know who I'm talking about, Kylie Jenner's boyfriend, boyfriend. It's about a dad and his eldest son is struggling with drug addiction. Oh wow, my god, don't watch it if you're in a sad mood or it's.
So Both of those actors are really good and end that role I can see that will be really believable.
They are so believable. It is so good, and just Steve Correll's portrayal of this dad is just so beautiful and so accurate in every way that you can imagine you would behave. Oh it's so good.
Oh, I'm gonna have to watch this. You've sold it to me. I love it.
And the only reason I even discovered it was one day I was looking for where audio that I saw trending on TikTok came from, and it was a quote from.
That Mad movie.
That's because I was like, why, I've never heard that quote come out of Steve Carell's mouth, but I knew that it was his voice.
Yeah, do you remember the quote?
Yeah, it's by John Lennon, Beautiful Boy, icing it to Lenny all the time. As it is, I just changed the lyrics to the Monster's gone, your mummy's here instead of your daddy's here. Obviously fucking John. But the audio it's Steve Corell's voice and he goes, do you know how much I love you? And then it moves into that song Anyway, It's just a really beautiful piece of audio that always used to make me cry. And then I like discovered it was from a movie, So highly
recommend to the film. If you could take all the words in the language, it's still would describe.
On each other. Isn't that interesting How even TikTok trending things can like, like I know, it's like makes you discover different things, but to make you discover a movie like.
Random movie from twenty eighteen that I'd never heard of, and I probably would have watched it when it came out because I'm interested in those themes. I kind of like really fucked up shit, Like whenever I was watching Euphoria and the character would get sober, I'd be like, oh, boring.
Yeah, yeah, you want you find the kind of like interesting, like the complexities of human experiences.
And I don't understand addiction at all, so I find it a very interesting topic. Yeah, I love that beautiful boy Beautiful Boy on Amazon. It's free. It's not one of those ones you have to rent for or pay for. But yeah, it's really good. Anyway, that's all the time we have for today.
That's it. Thank you so much for tuning in.
We'll be back next week with something a little bit lighter, a bit of a law if you will.
Which I want to.
I'm not telling you, Oh, I just have to wait and see you. We've already recorded. We had a big chuckle recording it. Share the pod on your socials and please rate and review us. It really does mean the absolute world and it's the easiest way for you to support the pod.
It really is. This episode was produced by myself, Key re Cells, and Kelly McCarran, with audio production by the wonderful Madeline Joanno.
Bye Bye