We acknowledged the traditional custodians of the land we're recording on today, and it used to blow my.
Mind, Like when Lenny was little and I was still going out all the time and still doing stuff, and people would go, where's Lenny. Who's looking after Lenny? His father? Yeah, the other person that chose to have a baby with me. Hello, welcome back to Eat, Sleep, Shit, Repeat your unhinged podcast about the madness that is motherhood and everything in between.
I'm Kelly McCarran, I'm Kiri Cels and kel you're up for picking pit today. But before we do that, I did request that we do a little goal check in.
You wanted to do an entire episode about a goal, like a summer series bonus, but not long. I'm like, A, it's November. We're petering towards the end of November.
Realistically, are we going to get done in the last two exactly?
And and B I just don't really want to because I don't want to think about my.
Goals and that I haven't done anything well. I thought it would be funny because I think both of us have failed miserably at our goals.
I'm pretty sure one of your goals was to get pregnant.
Oh tiktick t tiktick boombbe tic tic boom, because it's hard as pregnancy ever. But yeah, I took that one off.
The list you did, and mine was like all around my health again, I'm just not setting that as goal next year. That has just been silly.
Maybe that's the trick, is like not actually setting it as a goal, and then you might.
We also didn't do our comedy classes. That was a joint goal.
Shit, all right, it's still your peking pit.
Okay. So I'm so cheeky with my peaking pits. I always just like chuck a few in there.
Yeah, I know you do. I've noticed first.
One the short story, my child is so ready to be toilet trained that he took his nappy off, went outside and shut on the ground like a dog, and then came back inside and said, Mummy, clean up.
So this is the first time it's ever happened.
This is the first time he's ever shut like a dog.
Yes, I wonder where he got it from, like or do you think it's just like an instinctive thing, like I don't want to do it in my nappy and Mum hasn't given me any alternatives.
I'm just going to I don't know. I think maybe he just thought it was a good idea. He has same Percy do it a lot. Well.
I thought he would have done it in a litter box, to be fair.
No, Percy does it outside.
Oh, so that's why.
He's just following Percy's anyone trying to help, trying to help him. It's just like, what indicator of how lazy I am?
Can I just make you feel better? I know a lot of people who will put it off because it is a very hard thing if they're not ready, But this is he's so ready. He's ready now, so I don't think it's going to be hard.
No, it's just that I just need to actually knuckle in and do it. And he he is so ready it's not even funny, like he knows exactly what he's doing. Yeah, but he he just won't do it on the potty. He will do it everywhere else but the potty.
Can you put the potty in the lounge like when he's doing and start.
Yes, and then he'll go and sit on it. But then he'll get up and go to a spot on the rug and do a week.
Oh that's really annoying.
So annoying, And I know that he will get there, I know, but I'm just like the other day, I just thought, really, are you a dog, to which he responded with woof, as he does. The other pit is that Luke's friends are just like, they don't listen to the pod because they hate me.
So what, No, they don't, they actually do.
They're just like, but ah, to be.
Honest, yeah, I'm just thinking about the wedding speech.
See the best man's speech hated me, clearly hated me.
He can't say that at a wedding.
Basically, there's been a bit of a situation where heaps of Luke's friends are all going away together. I think at the moment on it like a big family group holiday, and Luke asked them, like ages ago, if they wanted to go on a big group trip your joke, and none of them said that they could. So that's why we went to Bali just us, which you know, love Bali.
Yeah, it was great, but.
Then for him to find out that they've had this planned for seven months, that's really.
That makes me really upset because he's.
Such a good friend.
So what's the issue, then they don't like me.
You don't exclude people. It's schoolyard bullying and it's ridiculous. Yeah, and they made it worse by lying and saying that they did talk to.
Him about it, so they tried to gaslight him.
Exactly, which I just think is so much worse. Just say, oh, we don't like cal we just don't want to go on holidays with her. Be honest.
The wives or the girlfriends are the partners, Like, do you get on with them? Yeah?
I genuinely could not care less if people do not like me. Yeah, but I feel so bad for Luke and he's now being excluded for such a silly thing. And I mean, if maybe it was just the holiday, maybe I could be like, oh, yeah, it was a simple mistake. Because one of them also said, oh, I told Kelly about it, and I was like, you absolutely didn't. I've got the world's best memory.
Yeah you can't.
That's one person you can't trickery. Yeah with about did we talk about it. There's been a lot of things over the past year where we're clearly excluded, and it just sucks for him.
Is he quite sensitive?
No, he's so easy going, So I think at first he was like a little bit hurt, but then he was like, oh, they said it was a mistake. It's not like it's fine.
So you don't like your friend's wife, but do you not like your friend as well?
Exactly? Well, the thing is they still hang out, which is why I'm like, I know it's me.
So where did they go?
They've gone to Fiji?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Yeah, I know, big family resort.
That is so mean. Does Lenn get on with their kids so well?
And that also breaks my heart because that's like another level of like fuck or excluding poor little let Like there's just so many layers, like we don't have family in Sydney. We don't have a big family anyway, we don't like Len doesn't have that many people in his corner, So how very dare you deliberately exclude him?
You know what? Fucking we'll go on a trip together.
Literally, I'm just like I'm so petty that I'm like, I'm going to plan the best fucking trips overseas next year, and it's like I don't want.
To go over seas again, Suck it up, We're going on a trip. There's worse things it could be happening. Oh, I know, poor Luke, like just poor guy Paul Len and also poor you, because I know what it's like to have your partner's friends not like you, and I think that's more of them thinking not a thing.
It's also like we've been to them for so.
Long, and have they seen you on a holiday like I am Exactly. I don't think that you'd be annoying.
I understand that I'm very opinionated and I'm a big personality, and so some people would find that a bit much on holidays. I am just sitting back reading a book.
Drinking lockdown exactly.
They really they're missing out. Really, I am a wild time.
That's a croc of shit though, an honest mistake to forget one of your line.
Also, I think they forget that Luke is married to me because one of the things that they tried to trick him with was, Oh, we talked about it in the group chat. It's like, give me your phone, I'll have a look.
Get your detective hat on.
One search Fiji. Oh, a couple of chats about this. There someone else's holiday a couple of years ago. That's it.
Yeah, you can't be doing.
That also, even if you did mention in the group chat, you then follow up and go, hey, tag so and so did you see this? Are you keen? Yeah?
Everyone else has got back to me. You're the only one who has got back, like totally.
It's just yeah crazy anyway, Okay, peak is that me and my two closest girlfriends in the entire world stayed in a hotel last weekend.
I cannot tell you how jealous I was when I saw them, and.
It was, Oh my goodness, and it just makes me so happy that they love each other.
Yeah so much.
Yeah, So the three of us just in a hotel room. We had some drinks. We just did not stop talking the entire time, and.
It was so cute the little video like of the view and then turning around and like I was doing a little pos and then you were opening the champagne and you all just looked so happy, like we all love pictures.
They both have three kids as well, so it's way harder for them to sort of get.
That time, so wonder they look so happy. I was just.
So grateful, and it was just such a good reminder to everyone that you just need that time, you need your girlfriends without kids sometimes Actually.
That you said that. I was went to a live show with Dolly Alderton and the author and I guess TV.
She's also a podcaster, is she not?
Yeah, she had a podcast for years, and she was talking about how tricky your early thirties can be, because like there can be divides in your group where some of them have kids and some of them don't, and
it can be really rocky. But she said that what actually ends up happening is that kids get a bit older, a bit more self sufficient, and then suddenly you kind of meet again and you're able to have And she talked about this, like her best day being this like long day drinking lunch with her girlfriends and then like getting them so drunk that they will have to sleepover, so then they have like an adult sleepert when she.
Like adults sleepovers is so far, yes.
And like that's what that just reminded me of. It's like those moments are fleeting as life gets busier, but they're also more meaningful.
Exactly exactly, and the time just means the world. Yeah, So that was incredible. And I also said know to something like in a work situation that I like, it was the first time I've really put my boundaries at my energy healer from BALI helped me put in place, and I like, I turned down stuff all the time. Yeah, but I turned down something i'd previously said yes too because it was making me feel so uncomfortable and it
was so much money. But I kept to my boundaries and I was like, no, this is making my gut feel very uncomfortable. You're being very difficult already in early stages not happening. And my energy healer said, she goes, You're going to feel so uncomfortable the first time you do it, but you need to stick to that boundary.
We're conditioned as women to like please people. As freelance.
Is so hard to say no to money that you've banked on as well, exactly money in general.
Like it, Yeah, totally, I'm proud of you though.
Thanks anyway. Yeah, so that was my peak and pitch loves for listening. Let's get into today's episode now. I do need to warn everyone that I'm probably gonna get cranky oh today because nothing gets me more riled up
when it comes to parenting topics than incompetent men. Okay, and women who enable shitty behavior, and for this episode and for the sake of the discussion, we will be focusing on a male female relationship today because everyone I know in a lgbt QIA plus relationship does not have to worry about sharing the load because it is another thing. And of course there are exceptions to this rule, but generally it seems to be straight men that suck in this department.
Yes, I think it is a generalization, but for same sex couples, they're better at communicating, so often the resentment doesn't build because they're addressing the issues soon.
Oh that makes sense.
But I also just want to note that not all men, of.
Course, not all men, not Luke but Charlie exactly.
That's what I'm saying, just because they are our husbands and do listen to the show. Look, doesn't I think that many factors do come into play. Who earns more
the financial split can often come into play. But yeah, of course heterosexual couples do fall more into those traditional gender roles, and often women feel they can't ask for more help because they might earn less, so they think they're contributing less exactly, But not speaking up only builds more resstment, and that's why relationships kind of start to fall. Another note about this is that it's around households with
two parents. So if you are a single parent, I just want to acknowledge that you take on the complete load.
Yeah, and well I need to buy you a beverage this holiday season. Absolutely all right, So let's kick things off by talking about how we share the load. Would you like to start, because I've just been talking a lot with the peak and pitch.
Yeah, I would say. Charlie and I pretty even with the mental load. We have ups and downs, of course, and we always kind of will reach a point and have to have a conversation and kind of a bit of a reset. But Charlie is generally the admin guy. So the admin guy takes care of anything financial, rent bills, holidays, booking, accommodation, flights he would handle. So he is the admin guy. So if my girlfriends want to plan a weekend away,
they will contact him. Because I am not good at making plans.
I can't tell you how jealous this makes me my biggest gripe with my race and holiday was all. I did it all, and I don't like doing any of the admin. I like to be a princess for.
Our trip to Europe. He booked all the flights and everything, and he was like, I just need you to do the accommodation. I was like, yeah, of course, I'll do it easy because he knows that I'm pickier obviously with accommodation. Anyway, do you reckon? I did it. Nah. I just kept putting it off, putting it off, and then and then Charlie goes I booked the accommodation and I was like,
what do you mean? And he told me that basically, he just booked anything that was refundable because he knew that I would see how bad they were and cancel them all and make me book the accommodation.
Oh, you are so annoying.
Happened.
You are so annoying.
Because you know on Airbnb you can book fully refundable. So then I would just like canceled it. And he knew what to do. He played me like a little fiddle and I and I fell right into the trap. So Charlie admin, guy, I'm more on the ground right, I'm here day to day.
I'm on the ground running.
I'm on the ground running. I'm waddling around, I'm packing for trips. I'm doing appointments like doctor I'm doing I'm mainly the daycare contact. So if Rue falls ill, generally I'm the person that would be picking her up. I'm the person who's think about extracurricular activities. I'm thinking about ballet, I'm thinking about swimming. That's my kind of jam. And if Rue really needs something like I'll be the person to kind of research it, figure out what we need,
and then either of us will get it. But I'm generally the person in charge of that kind of stuff we do. You're still and if you've been a longtime listener of ESSR, you'll know that ever since Ru was born, we kind of had the split being like I'm primary parent during the week and then on the weekends is like my time off.
Tell the story about when you were where were you with a group of friends and it was your turn to have time off? But so all your friends are looking at you just sitting back, relaxing, way.
Like Charlie attention.
Roone needs you.
Yeah, just generally on any holiday that falls on a weekend fair enough. Obviously, ebbs and flows depending on what we have on like if he's had a really busy week at work. You know, we're sharing the load on the weekends, but he will do more of like the grunt work and do bed and bath and you know, be kind of steering the thing of like, oh, what should we feed roue tonight and more, taking off some of that mental load so I can like have a
bit of a brain rest. He's probably home fifty percent of the time for bed and bath during the week. So if that's the case, like I would have done dinner, he swoops and for bed and bath and then I can cook us dinner. So we kind of like divvy it up.
What time do you guys eat dinner?
So late at the moment, like nine, it's fucked. We share the cleaning of the house, but he does rubbish and I do washing, because those are like clear things like I don't want anything to do with rubbish at all, and I'm very particular about washing just how it's done and everything like that. So I'm happy to do that.
I enjoy it. I don't enjoy it. That's a fucking stretch, But I don't want him to do it fah feah, even though he can and he will, like if he is, like I'm out of jocks he'll put, you know, jocks on or whatever. I think it's important to mention that we do split bills proportionately to our salaries.
I've heard a lot of people do this. So say someone who owns two hundred thousand and the other person earns one hundred thousand, so they'll contribute like sixty forty to the mortgage or something like that.
Yeah, so basically our split is around like seventy thirty, I would say, beacause I'm only working three days a week and then I'm looking after roofe for two days. So we still split our rent fifty to fifty. But everything else, so we charge everything to a credit card so we can get the points, and then we pay the credit card off each month, and generally that split is like a seventy thirty split. The split informs a little bit of like the mental load. I would say
as well, if that makes sense. I did have to just note at the end of this that this pregnancy has been rough, and so Charlie has been doing probably one hundred percent of.
Everything because Key simply cannot.
I cannot do anything. So I've gotten a wee bit better, But there was a good six months of me being like unable to do most things. So he really held it down. And I think that's the important thing about our relationship is that like we pick up when the other person can't. So all of this stuff, this split and everything is very fluid, but it really hinges on
us communicating and talking about it. Like I think the last kind of big thing we had was on the weekends, we wanted to just like hang out and spend time together as a family, and we wouldn't grocery shop right because we were just like, oh, I don't want to do that. It's not fun, Like let's just go fucking
scootering or something like. We wanted to hang out together, and I was saying to him, I know, we don't want to do that on weekend, but it means that my whole week is fucked because on a Monday, I'm like, what am I going to do for dinners this week?
Yeah?
That was like the last check in that I remember, And he was just like, oh shit, I didn't even think about that, Like I didn't think about how much that would impact the stress and the mental load of your week. Not having like ticked that off the list kind of.
Thing, and I think that that was one of the biggest takeaways from the survey responses. So I put out to the shit is about this and we'll talk more about the results later, but that partners people aren't mind to readers. Yes, So the fact that we expect them to know what we're thinking or what we're getting angry or resentful about is kind of ridiculous. And the assumption always is, oh, they should just know.
But why Yeah, I've actually got a good example of this. So yes, today and this is I will say, this is something that I have really worked on.
Did Charlie ask you if you could do three things instead of two one day?
That's exactly it. No. So he was working late the night before. He had a shocking sleep, you know when you're just so wide from working, and I think he only got to bed at three point thirty in the morning, right, and so he was really tired. So I said to him, Oh, like, I've got physio and stuff. I'll do the drop off in the.
Morning on lunch. I cannot do anything else. Yeah, I'm never gonna let you leave that one down. Anyone playing long at home asked her if she could do something next week, and she goes.
No, I had to have a boundary. I have a lunch and I have a phisio a cairo. Actually, I will just say I have to have boundaries on this pregnancy, otherwise I just get so strong.
I love that for you, but I will continue to make.
Play whatever anyway. So I did that. But what ended up happening was because Rue didn't stick to my plan of it taking half an hour for me to like feed her and get her to day care. I was so late, and I was so late that I didn't look where my physio appointment was, so I ended up parking on the street. I got one hundred and forty dollars parking fine when I could have parked at the Westfield and waddled over to my phissio. When I got home, the dog had pissed inside because no one had let
him out. I thought Charlie let him out. Charlie thought I had let him out. So I'm on the blower
going did you let the dog out? Blah blah, And I'm getting like really pissed off at him for that, and then he's like, what, you don't need to take it out on me, like blah blah blah, blah, and then maybe an hour later, I was like, hey, look, I'm just really pissed off because my morning was really stressful and I got a fine and I got parking fine and then I had to clean up all this piss and you know how hard it is to bend over right now? Very hard, it's quite hard. There's a
big bowling ball on my way. And he was not a really but he said, I'm sorry, Like, obviously I didn't know any of that had happened. I'm really sorry that you've had such a shit morning, but it was identifying that I'm getting really angry at you right now. But he doesn't know why. He doesn't know the context of the day. He's just like, why having such a bitches Like it's really lost on your significant other if you do not give them the context of why you're at ten.
Yes, you know exactly. That is such a good example.
Yeah, yeah, So what are yours do well? When you split a route?
Contribute to things pretty fifty to fifty, yeah, like mortgage bills, everything just fifty to fifty. And then we've just like look after different things. So I look after fun things. I like paying for fun things, so I'm like, I'm happy to pay for the holiday. I'm happy to pay for your furniture. But when he recently is like, I'm going to redo the laundry and I'm going to put inducted air conditioning, I'm like, you compare for that?
Shit? How the fuck you getting ducted air confort free? We're not no, as in like, you don't have to pay.
I'm thinking about getting him a new television for his birthday. That's nice, but I like buying fun things. Yeah, okay, don't like paying for boring.
Yeah, you don't want to be like I just worked to buy and.
Air conditioner boring. Whereas that's very you know, he loves that. He's practical, very practical, and practical practical. That's a great new love it. So I generally look after like the daycare admin staff and Lenny's health stuff. Yeah, so like vaccinations. I asked Luke once if he even knew what a blue book was, and he did not, and that irritated me. He actually does take Lenny's to the doctor a lot now, but especially when he was younger, I did a lot of that.
Yeah.
No, I'm the one that's dealing with the adnoids and grammets and Luke just thinks that he doesn't need it and that sort of thing. Yeah, But then I don't want to do anything gross or boring, so I make Luke do like the bugs. He's on bug pest control every three months because I have I hate spiders with a passion, spiders and needles, hate them, the bins saying don't want to touch you, yucky. And then strata very boring.
Yeah, yeah, I get because it's a villa.
There's a bunch of so we've got to pay for, like the driveways and the garden. Yeah, stuff, And I don't care about strata. Just on the he's on the committee.
It's just so indicative of his personality to be on the phone committee.
The committee. Sometimes I can hear them having it and then he'll jump on the phone calls sometimes and I'll be like, hey, Teresa, Hey Tyler, new garage doors looking good.
I love him so much and he's so genuine.
He's so genuine, whereas I would simply not.
I just love how like when I drive out, because I'm over your house every Wednesday, it's spin day. When I drive out, often he's bringing everyone's been.
Yes, but he has to leave some out there learning likes to bring them in.
Yeah, it's just so sweet.
But Luke like, Aslen's gotten older, he'll do like little kickers. Yeah, but I'm the one that's looking into swimming lessons and that sort of thing. Yeah, I like to be in charge of Lenny's clothes. But Luke also finds that really fine, and that's a bit of a headbut situation.
It seems that they're competing aesthetics.
Very competing aesthetics, and alas my son is very team Dad.
Yeah, because Dad's got all the fun.
Stuff dinosaurs and like pockets with diggers on them yuck, and the bloody car shoes and such. I have big boundaries around holidays with his side of the friends and the family. What I mean by that is I will not look after any gifts or cards or anything. So if he wants niece and nephews or sisters in laws or whatnot to have anything on his side, he is responsible for that. If we go to a wedding on
his side, he is responsible. Maybe that's why his friends don't like me, because they think that I've just never given them a wedding card or something. I don't know what he's done because that is his domain. Resumes to like, if we get invited to one of his friend's kids birthday parties, you want to get that kid a gift, you go do it. Okay, I'm very much so like that's my boundary, whereas like, I'm not going to babysit you. You're not my extra child.
Yeah, I get that. One of my love language is giving, So on any scale, I'm like, I'll do it to be fair.
If I know the kid, of course I want to shop for Yeah, of course.
But if I don't know the kid, I do understand that it's a good boundary to have.
We have a calendar, it's not that good at the moment. We both book social things in digital or physical physical, so it's actually needs a physical one because even when I tell him things, he does not remember us. He'll be like, hey, I'm going out with the boys on Saturday night and I'm like, no, you're not. I told you, and I've had this booked in for months. But then he says, oh, You've got something on it every Saturday for the rest of the year. I'm like, well, I
booked it in. Yeah, you and your friends need to get I wonder why they don't like me. You guys need to be more organizing. You can't tell me four days before and just hope that I don't have something on.
Has he done the thing where he's been first and you've been like, because that happened, Charlie like learned that lesson pretty quickly. Like he puts stuff in the calendar. I'll see things and I flip over to on your month, and I'm like, oh, oh, sir, so good.
Organized though it genuinely wouldn't bother me though, because I just would take lan yeah right, not go, or i'd ask for help.
I think the calendar goes through stages where it's really good and really bad. Honestly, it's just like it's with anything, right.
It's just that Luke doesn't use it until four days beforehand because boys tend to be quite unorganized social activities, where girls are like, let's lock in our Christmas line.
There's four months in advance, especially because everyone has most people have kids now that it's like.
Oh, even before we were always yeah, and both of us have like quite active social lives, me probably more so than him. I just thought like, and I you know, as I've said, at the start of the episode. Social stuff is very important and that time with your friends. And it used to blow my mind when Lenny was little and I was still going out all the time and still doing stuff, and people would go, where's Lenny,
or who's looking after Lenny? His father? Yeah, the other person that chose to have a baby with me.
It's an interesting thing because I reckon, if Luke had been socializing or whatever, do you reckon, anyone would have asked him where Lenny one was. I don't actually think that people would ask the dad that because the assumptions like they would know that of course Lenny was with Kelly.
Baby is fine.
But for some reason, it's like the first thought isn't like, oh, the dad's with the kid that they both made, that.
They chose to have it together. Yeah, dinner. I tend to cook more because I'm better at it.
Yeah, and you even cook meat for him, which is so nice. As a vegetarian, I always have to cook it for Lenny.
Yeah, both, but I did even before Land I've always cooked meat. But then Luke does way more of the cleaning and stuff like that because I just don't care about cleanliness really or tidying more so tidy, and then I just do chores list. At the moment we've got one on the table. When things are getting out of control with like spring cleaning stuff, we've got chores list.
Oh I like that, and.
You just have to like make sure it's pretty even and then you just cross it off.
I love to do that.
A lot of the time. It's not that men are incompetent, you know how You're like, it's a bit of a generalization, not all men, and I completely agree. I don't think that men are all incompetent. It's that women allow them to be incompetent and enable their shitty behavior because they're trying to control everything.
But I also think there's another factor on this. Yes, I agree with that, but I also think it's external pressures, right because I feel like, say, the man is in charge of something that's not done to this certain standard. I think the woman is stressed out about how like external judgments on that. But why the assumption that men are allowed to be messy and women aren't.
Am I a bloke, I just would never think that. I do not think that because I'm a woman, the assumption is that I'm clean no, but like.
The assumption is that you can't be untidy. Remember when you put that video up, being like, oh my god, this is what I'm talking about.
This is me who's like usually water off a duck's back. I end up having to message them and be like, can you please like turn comments off? This is awful because.
People were so nasty and all I saw was, oh my god, thank god, there's another one of me out there for context. Cultoka social video just showing that house silly like.
It was people were doing, you know, this is my house. I was basically just doing a silly like this is actually our house in the exact moment. It is a disaster, Yeah, because no one ever shows what a real messy house can look like sometimes totally and the comments or from women exactly That's.
What I'm talking about, right, There is a lot of judgment on women.
That's a really good point.
You keep a tidy house to keep on top of gift giving, Like, there's all of these things that ultimately, if it doesn't happen, a woman in the relationship is going to feel like they've done something wrong. So I kind of understand the level of control was. It's like it'll get done and then I don't have to worry about being judged, et cetera, etc.
But you know what, the only person that can break that cycle is yourself. Todcase, if you are going to winge about your husband, I'm generalizing husband not cleaning the bathrooms, but they do clean the bathrooms and you critique the way that they do it hard if they haven't done it to your standard, that's ridiculous. If you want something done in a particular way, you have to do it, Like why should someone else do it in a particular way that's yours if they wouldn't do it if you weren't there.
That was the biggest positive thing that I learned early on with Charlie and I when we moved in together. It was like me basically being like, oh, just do it because you're not going to do it properly. But the more he did it, the better it became, you know what I mean. It was because I wasn't letting him have the same I do it to do it. And it was such an important lesson because it's like, how are you supposed to learn if you're not given the space to do it? And if what you're doing
is being critiqued. It doesn't inspire you to clean more.
And also maybe they have a different way of cleaning, and maybe they'll still get there in the end that you might have done something a little bit differently, but who cares.
Totally. I've got an example for that. When I cook, I clean as I go, so literally the last thing that will be done is I just put the plate and that we ate off into the dishwasher. Charlie was a disaster. There'll be shit everywhere, pots, pans, blah blah, blah blah. If you see him cook today, he cooks exactly like I do. Really like he's seen things right
because he's just learned. He's like, oh, because we're in a small space, Like I've always lived in a small space, always had tiny kitchen, so I have had to, out of necessity clean as I go, whereas he's grown up in houses and there's like space to kind of put things and then do a big clean band, you know.
So it was really interesting and I haven't even mentioned to him, but just seeing him learn that, being like, oh, this is a better use of space is actually But if he hadn't learned, the end results still would have been that the cooking and cleaning was done totally. You know, like I wasn't critiquing him, but it was interesting to see that you kind of do naturally pick up on things anyway.
So if you just sometimes because Luke's you, he will clean as he go and I'm Charlie, I'm a disaster. I've never learned. But you know what, everyone still eats and Luke then cleans the kitchen.
Yeah, yeah, totally totally.
So maybe that's why I'm just like, I'm not cooking and clean and I've always lived in pretty small spaces too.
Have you heard about this theory lately that someone said, if you cook, you have to clean.
That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my time.
And it was a big uproar because everyone was like absolutely not, like what is the argument pro I think it was like a TikTok video that was like, well, what if you're a person that uses every single pot and pan, and it's like, well, you're the person that ate it and didn't have to do anything, like the
least you can do is tidy up exactly. I think it was just someone trying to go against the grain and create a whole internet baiting basically, yeah, and everyone fucking took the bait because I was like, absolutely not. Who did you grow up with?
Yeah? Anyway, And also then you have a discussion and say, please, don't cook things where you use every single one and pan, Like Luke, sometimes I'll make things and he'll be like, seriously, could you at least have put baking paper down? And I also, on that note, think like, don't also try to control what they do with your kids or how they parent, Like, as long as your values are aligned, it's okay that their parenting style is.
I love it that.
Yeah, that's something I've had to learn as well. And Luke and I have discussed a lot with the marriage counselor because our parenting styles are actually very different, but our values are the exact same.
Yeah.
Yeah, So at the end of the day, we just want Lenny to be like a well rounded person.
Same outcome, different journeys to get exactly right.
So and same with the cleaning. Don't be a marter and say you haven't been away for a girl's weekend in years, books thing, your partner is perfectly capable of looking after their own children without you.
Yeah.
On the calendar book something.
It's interesting, isn't it. Because I've made friends with this chicken daycare and her kid is just about to turn too. I just what to do on the weekend. She's like, oh, you know, I went on this girl's surfing trip. It's the first time I've left my son. And I was like, in two years and two years, wow.
I'm good on her for finally doing something totally.
But then I just thought to myself, like, Charlie and I we with no family, really insane. I've got my brother and sister in law, but they also had young kids at the same time, so you're not just like dropping your kids over when they've also got young kids. But we've managed to have some time away, you know, because it's been really important. I just think, like, you have to, you have to, you have to and do it sooner rather than like, and it.
Doesn't have to be a mini break like. Obviously, finances are different for everyone. Once a week go to a walk by yourself or with a girlfriend. You need to carve out time for yourself.
It's super important.
I will continue to shout this from the rooftop. You chose to have your children with someone they are perfectly capable of looking after their own children and if they're not, get out of there.
Yea freelancing I have to do a lot of work on weekends because I need to have it on more days of daycare than I currently do. But next year we will. But I love, like my favorite thing is like Charlie will take her for a whole Sunday so I can work. Same favorite thing is seeing what they get up to.
Same but they have so much fun.
She comes back and she's like Chippy.
You're like great.
Charlie's like I told you not to tell mom, but just like seeing the fun stuff that they do out at restaurants.
Like at the park, like Eyelayground.
That is so amute because I get that on my days with her, right like my Thursdays, my Fridays. That is it like we have our things that we do together him having that time where they're doing like their secret things and.
Eating Chippy and bonding, having a special time.
It's so And then all the cute videos at night before we go to bed and they're like hilarious, Like it's actually awesome to see it.
Shout out to any other freelancer Hot Tip Sundays are the best days to work because no one emails you back. So when we put it out to the shitters, eighty six percent of you that responded said that you were the primary parent, and the rest said fifty to fifty. So no one that responded said that they weren't.
Oh wow.
Seventy six percent said that they thought the load, which considered as household chores, life admin, financial contributions, childcare, and time with friends was equally shared in their partnerships. That's a lot of people that don't feel like it's currently fair.
And then I felt like, I'm going to read out a couple of responses that we can have a chat about that just sort of like summed up the vibe of a lot of the different responses, and then we're going to go into tips and we'll also share heaps of them on socials because there were some great ones. Oh I love that someone has written household and garden chores essentially all completed by me due to being the one who is at home more. I work two to
three days per week, husband is full time. My husband out earns me considerably, but I still struggle with this being fair. That said, he does try to cook a meal when time allows.
It's hard, right.
It isn't fair. I will tell you right now. Because your husband is working five days a week, you are working ten days in seven days, because you are working your two to three days plus seven days full time, if you're looking after everything, and if you're.
Working at homeme, you're often like you.
Do the admin, I do the washing and yeah yeah, because no one wants to do washing on the weekend. And it does make sense when you work from home. Yeah, but it's not fair and you do need to be putting some more boundaries in place. I would say to things that you're working.
Also, I argue that like going to work and working for someone mate, there's good bound in a workplace such at this time you're meant to have a lunch break, you can go out for coffee, conversation at the water wall, you know. But like it's good healthy boundaries in place at work you don't really have you get to sit down and eat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's actually quite a treat.
So I just I really think that well, I would like to acknowledge you and tell you that it isn't fair. Your feelings are very valid. I think that he should be contributing to the garden and household things more, because that's.
Just not fair. That's like a weekend thing exactly.
I do everything major, the big picture stuff, the details. I see everything that needs to be done and organize and prioritize it. This is constant and never ending. I can't even get my partner to help out with things I've assigned to him. Over a month ago there was a big storm and I'm still waiting for him to even get into contact with a rufer. He forgets important things if I don't help pack for the children, and if he takes them out their stuff forgotten. Yes, I have tried him to do it alone.
I will say though, that packing thing.
You've got a great tip though, Yeah, you learn fast and you have to.
Let them fail. Like and this is what my girlfriend said to me. Charlie booked a flight just an annoying time when you've got a little kid, and I was like bitching about it on the phone. Tour this was like early days. I'm like, this is right in the middle of a nap time, Like this is going to be fucked getting there. Brah brah rah. He wanted to leave really late, and I was like we're I miss a fly. Like this is so annoying. It's like, let's
just get there and be chilled. Yeah, she was like, if you miss the flight, you missed a fly.
But then the lessons learnt, like yes, don't like try to control everything, just like, yeah, it's.
Annoying in the moment, but that's the lesson, Like that's the actual real life lesson of it. So it is difficult. But I mean, what are you going to do? Live with the leaking roof for another six months? Like that should be making someone, yeah, to call a roofer.
I don't actually know how she can fix this one.
It's always a conversation.
Lock him outside until he does. Maybe I'm a little bit of a fan of sometimes a little bit of gentle bullying.
Sometimes it could be like, hey, sending a link to you've just googled, like roofer in the area sending the link to the search results.
FAYI just be like, hey, you then having to take the mental load though it's annoying.
I want him to have called it six months ago. I have a better idea, all right, tell.
Me tell me unhinged advice with kel all right, look settle in, all right, The thing with the roof. What I want you to do is get a bucket and place it next to the bed, his side of the bed, and when he gets home, just be like, oh, I think the roof's been leaking in our room. I've put a bucket in there. Should be all fine, but not sure. Make sure that you've poured water all over his side of the bed. I'm stop laughing, I'm deadly serious. Okay,
this is how you get hit done. Yeah, okay, that is how I want you to deal with the roofs situation. They're not packing the children's bags properly. You need to actually go away and let him fail miserably. Yeah, so you need to book like a weekend away and not help with anything. He's a grown up. He will have to problem solve in the end. So if he leaves the house without nappies, without snacks, whatever it is, or
the children are like half dressed, his problem. There's shit all through the car, there's vomit all through the car totally, kids are screaming because they're hungry. He will deal with it. The children are not going to be unsafe. Yeah, he will deal with it.
And there's so many times where I've forgotten stuff and I'd had to dive for it when I've been out. There's actually a really good episode of Bluey about this, when the dad's looking after Blue and Bingo or whatever and they're going to the beach and I get to the beach and then they're like, Dad, where's the sunblock? And he's like, oh, and he's like, forgotten everything? Where am I? Rashi? Did you bring it?
No? Then nod they really bring sunscreens?
Oh no, I didn't.
It's okay, that mean sounds to feed.
Yes, we do.
We'll just have to stay in the shady bit and we'll put our hats on what hats.
It's obviously a thing, but I think the way that you learn is definitely through failing. And the thing is we all failed in that initial newborns exactly. Yeah, it's just that we continue to fail. Yeah, but because of the primary carers, we've just gotten really good at it sooner.
And we do things like listen to podcasts, read about things, so we sort of got a little bit more prepared when it comes to some stuff. Yeah. Yeah, Like I just think you probably need to really take a step back and relinquish control and start letting him fail. Also, maybe consider marriage counseling because I personally found that very useful having discussions about this. Yeah, but a huge fan of passive aggressive things like drenching his bed.
Or sending a Google link of search results the roofs in the area if you don't want your bed to get around.
I have to do everything because my husband always does a half us job. He says he tries, and I'm starting to wonder if he's just got clean slash tidy blindness. I literally see him try and it's always bad. Or maybe I have two high standards. His idea of helping always leads to more work and I end up fixing what he's done. We're talking basic things like scrubbing the toilet and leaving the toilet like he's attempted it with a toothbrush for ants.
Sorry, I got a visual of the toothbrush for ants and what it would have left behind. Can I just call out the first thing.
And then we'll come in with Kell's unhinged life.
Yeah, the like dirt blindness or messy blindness not a thing. I read a study recently. I had like four hundred men four hundred women, and they showed them pictures of a messy room, and spoiler alert, they both see the same mess. Like it's not a thing.
Don't you think though, that sometimes unless you're looking for it, you don't notice though, Like I have realized in the past week that my walls are foul, but they would have been foul for a long time, but I've only just noticed.
Yeah, I think that's different because that's like a thing over time. But it's more like dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor, Like everyone sees the same mess. I think it's just like this old shtick stereotype that it's like all men don't see mess and women do. It's a very like convenient gendered stereotype that's happened. So first of all, he sees the mess.
Yes, we just need to lower the expectations.
Yeah, And like if he wants to clean the toilet with an ant's toothbrush.
Which I don't believe, and if that's actually the case, send him to cleaning school.
I think in this case, like I know we have said, like let them figure it out. I think that if they have never been taught how to do something to the level of what she's indicating, maybe it is like, hey, let me.
Just show you how I like it done. I know that you probably.
Wouldn't do it that like just be like, hey, I just want to make it easier for you, Like I have cleaning products that I use, like bleach for instance, in the bathroom does wonders right, it's so strong, so powerful, and it cuts the cleaning time in half. Like approach it more of like a let me show you because I feel like you could do the way quicker and easier and more effectively. Like maybe just like flipping the approach of how you're doing it, because sometimes.
Some it sounds like he's actually trying.
And it sounds like he's a bit like he's just a bit lost, like he doesn't actually know how to do it. Some people don't know how to clean because they haven't had to do it their whole lives because they've had.
People looking after them. Yeah, it's codent, but let's help him get better. I do all life admin, even my husband's life admin. He often texts me or random week days asking if we or even he has any plans he's committed to on the weekend. Sounds like, Luke, did you did you write this in and pretend that it's from someone else. It's hard, right because I think that if you're organized, And.
Also to me, that says like maybe he just thinks that you're the leader of the pack, like he feels maybe he has to ask you if he can do stuff as well. Like it's a little bit of that. Like Charlie will message me sometimes and be like, hey, can I do this on this day? And I'm like, check the calendar, do permission, commission because then it makes me feel like I'm the ruler of your life and they make your fair really shit. He's like, no, I'm just I just want to like run it by you, like.
Then say hey, did we have anything on this weekend? Because I would like to go out with the boys, not can only go well with the boys. I am not your mother.
I think it's the delivery right. So it is hard though because I feel I feel like I'm the husband in the situation.
Because Charlie does admin.
But I think some people are just more hopeless. It sucks.
There's always a more organized person in friendships relationships. I don't know if this person minds. They haven't said yeah.
And I think it can be okay if it's.
Evil like they take more like make sure that if that's the way that your relationship is set up, that he's taking more physical mental loads.
Yeah. Yeah, Like example, I'm really good at gift giving, so Charlie will be like for someone and who family, He'll be like, oh, what should we get? Blah blah blah, and I'll tell him what my idea is and he'll execute it.
Oh do you know what I mean?
So, like I think instead of because I would always be the person figuring out the gifts and everything, but obviously I'm getting busier and busier. He's like, I can do it. I just need an idea of like what to get them. So I think if you're kind of approaching it more on a fifty to fifty, like maybe him asking you is okay, it's still mental loading, but at least it's like, I don't know, it's a tricky one.
I just think you need to make sure that you're getting him to carry the burden of some things if that's what you're carrying.
If he just needs a little bit of a help, but maybe make it a verbal help rather than like an actual like doing the job for him.
Last one, my husband would say he works full time and I work part time, so everything else gets left to me, and I would just say.
What a douche. Yeah, that's not okay because, like I.
Said at the start, that means you're working ten days.
Raising children the household. That's a job. That is a job.
Yeah, And people that do it just that, Oh my god, they are actual heroes. My best friends, the ones that I was away with. One of them does work two days per week or one day per week and the other one doesn't. They both have three kids. My god, they are way busier than I am all the time.
Oh, it's crazy. To run a household, right, is a lot a lot of pressure, a lot of like juggling of balls. And I think I read something recently that said, if we were to put a dollar, like a pay a salary to women who are running households or whatever parent is, the stay at home parent, it's like two hundred k. So it's like, come on, like the number of hours you're putting in two hundred k, Like that should give you a good example of how much weight
it has to it that work. Exactly, because every single successful man who's able to have kids has only been able to do that because he has a wife that's there to support him, right.
And I know a lot of men that actually would say that, and a lot of women that would say that about their partners. Yeah, I also just love someone contributed. I don't think you can share the load. I think females genetically carry the mental load more than men. Doesn't mean you can't delegate to help even things up. I'm also against the whole let's shame our husbands for not thinking about stuff. Sis. If you can't manage it yourself, just help. No one needs to be a matter kind of like this.
Oh it's a little bit of me, a little bit, A little bit if I totally get it. It's hard because, yeah, women talk about it, but we've been conditioned to think about it from such a young a exactly.
And I feel like this lass is the sort of lass that packs her husband lunch and is quite happy about it. I think she's like meal prep Sunday type person.
Shit.
She also does pilates and makes kids birthday cakes from scratch.
Don't don't I want her to help me with my life? Can you come and take on my mental load too?
Tips? First one is do online groceries and both have the app installed on your phone so that you can both add things to cut when you need.
Yes. A few friends have mentioned this to me. Genus love it. Genius, absolutely genius.
Also having like a shared notes app, you know, if you both have an Apple you.
Can have one.
Yeah, and shared album folders. You could both put photos of the kids in.
It's so smart.
You just both put things on the notes app like hey blah blah blah. Joint calendars, splitting.
The load like joining together. Yeah, having one list, one thing for everything.
Have joint email accounts for the kids so that you can both just send stuff relating to the kids. Yes, that email address.
Shout out to my girlfriend Sarah. She told me that she did this recently because it would always be like whose birthday party is at? What are the details? And she's like, check the the moms are sending it to me because I'm the mar So they just have like a family email that everything goes in there. That's so really clever, really clever. I love that.
There are those cards that a lot of people suggested. I forget what their card, but they're like task cards and you basically go through them and divvy up who does what and then that sort of gives you a better understanding of is it fifty to fifty.
But called fair play.
From what I've heard, they're really not equal, Like taking the bins out is not the same as daycare.
No, but the point of this card game is for it to be a visual of how much people do. I think it is really helpful because sister in law's done it. Actually, Lucy did it with her partner John just because well when they started living together, because it was like everyone like, mental load is not unique to people that have kids. It's people sharing a space that's actually see even your roommates, like.
You can do the fair play card roommates, Like if.
You're sharing a space with someone, multiple people, it's really good to be able to do this. And it's just.
Basically we'll link them in the show notes.
Then it's flagging, Hey, you might not realize that this person is doing xyz, and it makes you think about like, okay, yeah, you have to do the car registration that's once a year. Yeah, but I'm doing the rent which is every week every month, all week.
Yeah, okay, So it opens conversations as well.
That's the thing that's important about it. Yeah, the fair Play card game will link it.
Another tip is to share the load with friends. I really love this, Like if you live close to people, like you know how you were saying, next year with the new baby, Yes, you're gonna get your friend to share the daycare drop off.
We're going to try and split that. So just to make it a bit easier, like I can take them in the morning and then maybe Beck can pick up the girls in the afternoon.
I've heard about families like when a group of them all sort of live quite close or within the same suburb, they'll pick different nights and look after dinner that night and then just do drop offs.
That is so good. That's village. That is that getting back to village, Like I love that.
And also then you're always eating like different yummy things and you only have to worry about cooking or thinking about what to eat one night a week.
Well, my sister in laws always like, just drop real over, just drop her over, because now a good age. She's like, it does not affect me whatever, I already have two. Yeah, and the girls kind of just like want to play with her, and then that keeps them more entertained than if had it just been them too.
Yep, I totally get it because of the third person, and you've.
Got it obviously with your sister as well and her.
Kids, like yeah, when they're not at an age where the three is easy. Lennie's just a lot more work than both of hers, to be fair, he's so cute, he's like kid. He's just a very busy, always very busy. Communication is key. I've learned to not expect my husband to know what I'm really wanting or needing to be done around the house. Yes, instead of getting frustrated, I just need to speak up and ask. Absolutely, he's always
happy to help when I do make her request. At one stage, we tried to make a more formal type document dividing up tasks, but didn't work for us. We have two kids now and that's de only forced to more even load, specifically around bedtime. He takes the toddler and I take the baby. We really just try to divide and concob with everything.
A lot of my girlfriends have said that I have said, wait to you have a second it's when the husband will generally parent, oh oh god, which is annoying, but obviously that's just like a low generalization thing. But they have to right because you are not an octopus.
And you physically cannot be in a million different places exactly. And I also think that it's about giving the person the benefit of the doubt that they're not a mind reader, and there is potentially like sometimes when I get cranky about some things, and I'm the only one that ever thinks about these things. Yeah, they're things that interest me. Luke would say the exact same thing. I could not tell you who is our car insurance. I couldn't tell
you how to read your car. I could not tell you how to contact the strata if I wanted to sit in on a committee meeting. To me, i'd ever think about that. So of course it's not part of my mental light. So I just assume that I've got the bigger mental load. But it's when you maybe those cards are a great idea for everyone.
They are curl. I think I would like to do them with Charlie, just to like and do it in a fun environment.
Like don't sit down with like spreadsheet open as well.
No, like have a wine, have a little cheese board or whatever, like make it fun and flirty, don't make it Okay, there's nothing flirty about discussing chores, Key, but I'm just saying, like, set the toe, okay, don't don't like get going to bed and then sit all guns blazed you. It's important that we've been in good place before we start this conversation.
All right, Well, I think that we better wrap things up, but we will put heapes more of the tips on our socials so you can easily access them. Please make sure you rate and review us and let us know what you think. You can find us at Kiri's at Kelly Underscore, mcaren at SSR dot pot.
This episode was produced by I Ask Your Unhinged hosts Key and Kel with audio production by the bomb Ass Woman that is Maddie Johanna. Who see you next week. Bye,