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. Welcome to the mayor says podcast. We're reducing the divorce rate one marriage at a time as the goal and following my six mirrors steps as a path to help get us there. I'm your host, Dr. Wyatt Fisher , licensed psychologist and marriage counselor. If you enjoy the episode today, please scroll down on your device and leave a review by clicking the stars.
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So if you're interested, go to my website. It's Dr. Wyatt fischer.com d r w y a t t f I s h e r.com and click on live events. Today I'm going to talk about who is to blame for an affair. Around 50% of all marriages experience in fidelity. So one and two and infidelity is one of the most traumatic things you can ever go through in a marriage. The betrayed spouse has symptoms that are similar and identical to post traumatic stress disorder and let that sink in for a minute.
People who experienced posttraumatic stress disorder are usually people who go through a natural disaster like a tornado or a hurricane or people who have been in combat and war zones. So it's incredible to consider that a betrayed spouse has symptoms that are identical to people who go through war zones or natural disasters. That's how devastating it is. And research shows across the entire planet. The number one thing that will rip apart partner relationship is infidelity.
It's one of the most devastating things anyone can ever do to a marriage. So what causes in fidelity? What Causes Affairs? The top cause is usually one partner is not having their top needs met in a relationship and then someone else comes along and starts meeting those needs. Sometimes they they're looking for an affair. Other times they're not looking for an affair, but someone in their environment in some way starts meeting these needs of theirs that aren't being met and their marriage.
One example is attention. Say you're in a marriage and you're not getting any attention from your partner. They just are in different towards you. They don't spend the time with you. They don't focus on you and you're starving for attention and that person at work.
Every time you go to work, they are so attentive and they focus on you and they ask you questions and they are excited to see you and they make you feel important and special and before long you open up that door and let them in further and then you get attached. Another example is emotional closeness. Maybe you're in a marriage where your emotional needs aren't being met and you want to , you want to develop this, this really Kendra's spirit with another person.
He wants someone to know your inner world and your inner thoughts and feelings and your partner could care less or so it seems, and then you find this person here and your neighborhood and wow, they're so focused on your life and they asked the right questions and you feel so comfortable talking to them and they're such a good listener and you start looking forward to talking to them more than you do your partner.
That example actually happened with a couple I was working with where the woman's emotional needs were not being met in her marriage. And so she started spending time with a neighbor, started off innocent. He was an excellent listener, started really tuning into her emotionally, and they developed a best friendship and then it turned into a sexual affair. Another example is sexual.
Maybe you're in a marriage where your sexual needs aren't being met and you're starving, but you're on a coed softball league and that girl in the softball league or that woman or that man, depending on whatever situation you're in, she starting to flirt with you. She's starting to dress a little sexy for you.
She's starting to send you some texts or some notes that are, that are insinuating some sexual contact and you're not getting that at home and before long, it's enticing and it's, it feels good. And so you open that door and you just fall into that and it turns into a sexual affair. So that's normally the cause of affairs. Your top needs in marriage are not being met.
And then either you're intentionally looking for one or unintentionally, but before long someone else comes along and starts meeting these top needs of yours and you open the door to it and then it's too late because then you're in, you're in too deep and you're in over your head. So one thing I want to communicate right now is it is not your fault if your partner has an affair. It is not your fault.
If your partner has an affair, you may have contributed to the dynamic in the marriage that made them more susceptible. So for example, perhaps you weren't giving your partner any affection . However, perhaps the reason you weren't giving them affection was because they were critical of you. And so it was hard for you to feel physically close. And so they also contributed to that dynamic.
But in no way is it your fault that they chose to step outside of the marriage and violate their marriage vows with you. That is not your fault. That was their choice. So again, what makes a marriage vulnerable to an affair usually is both partners fault. Usually they're both doing something that's putting the marriage under distress, but the person who then chooses to step outside the marriage to have an affair, that's 100% their fault. They're making that choice.
They're designed to break the marriage vows. They're designed to devastate you. That's not your fault, that's theirs. So it's important to tease that apart because some people who are betrayed in an affair situation, they feel like the affairs that their fault because they weren't meeting their partner's needs. And that's a lie.
Okay ,
true. Perhaps if you weren't meeting your partner's needs that made them more vulnerable. However, they were probably playing a part with why it was hard to meet their needs. And again, it was still their choice to step outside the marriage. So if your partner has an affair or has had an affair, don't fall for the lie that it's your fault.
Now, if you are in a marriage and you're listening to this and maybe this is your situation right now and your top needs aren't being met and you're starting to feel some temptation with someone else in your environment who starting to meet your needs,
okay ,
turn to your partner and tell them what you're feeling. Stop that inappropriate relationship. Shut the door. Stop letting someone else meet those needs and turn to your partner and dig in and work harder at solving the dynamic that's not getting your needs met in the marriage. You may need to see a counselor. You may need an intervention. You may need to meet with some friends. You may need to read some books. You may need to go to some seminars.
Shut the door with the person you're letting into your life to meet your needs and turn to your partner and talk to them about your temptation, your feeling with someone else before you act on it. Be Open with your partner. Don't violate your marriage vows. Be honest with what you're feeling with your partner.
If you're feeling that temptation, that's a red flag, meaning that you need to double down and work harder at your marriage and figure out what you're doing that's making it hard for your partner to meet your needs, most likely because you're not meeting their needs. If you refuse to do that, the next best thing is to divorce your spouse and then pursue that other relationship because at least then you're , you're not violating the marriage vows.
But instead of those two options, and obviously the first option is highly recommended to turn to your and tell them what you're feeling and fix your marriage. That's the recommended route. But instead of those two options with so many people do, is they'll just continue on acting like everything's normal, even though they're highly unhappy. And then they, they start developing this secret relationship somewhere else and completely devastate their partner. Don't do that. Don't go down that road.
Don't that. Let, don't let that be you. So those are some things that consider, okay, the common causes of the affair. Remember, it's not your fault if your partner has an affair, it's their choice. And if you are tempted to have an affair, shut that door and turn to your partner and fix what's wrong. Thank you for listening to the mirror steps, podcasts .
For more marriage resources, go to my website, Dr. Wyatt fisher.com and if you want to continue this conversation, go to my marriage VIP group on Facebook, just search and Facebook marriage VIP group, and we'll continue the conversation there on what was brought up to aim this episodes . You can comment, you can add your 2 cents, share what your views are, and remember your marriage as a living organism. If you care for it, it can thrive. And if you don't, we'll die .