Three Options In Responding To Your Partner's Bids

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And this is one concept that's come out of his research and it's called bids and bids are within all of us. We all make a bit. So what is a bid? A bid is some type of gesture or some type of comment we make or a behavior we do because we're trying to throw out a bid to our partner that we need something.

That's what it did is it's our best attempt to communicate, whether it's directly or indirectly that we need something from our partner to fill us up to make us feel good, to make us feel satisfied and loved. So we throw out these bids. It's almost like fishing. If you imagine you, you're fishing, you get a worm, you put it on the hook, you throw it into the water and you're fishing for something and you're hoping a fish is going to come grab it.

Cause then you caught something that's similar to a bid. We throw out something to our partner hoping they're going to get, get the hint and then bite so that we give what we want. Okay . That's what a bid is. Now the bids come from our core needs and we all have different core needs. We're not the same. So you may have different, different core needs and your partner, maybe some of your core needs are similar. But here's a couple of the most common coordinates. One is affection.

You know some people really need touch, they need a lot of it. They need a lot of affectionate touch, which is non-sexual touch. And so this person may make a bid by saying, hey honey, you know we haven't snuggled in Washington movie in a long time together and the key word there is snuggling. So they be missing kind of that affection. Or Hey honey, we haven't really hugged each other much lately or you haven't stroked my hair in a long time or I miss holding your hand.

Any comment like that would be a bid because that person needs affection. Okay. Another common core need is sex, sexual activity. So someone may make a bid for sexual activity by making some type of comment on how sexy their partner looks or commenting on what they were fantasizing about during that day or what they're hoping you know you could do together that night. That might be a a sexual bit .

They're throwing out their line with the little worm on the hook, hoping you'll get the hint and that you will bite another bid is quality time. So a partner who has this core need may say, hey, we haven't, we haven't spent much time together lately or man , I would really love to go out with you this weekend. You know, some type of comment or gesture like that is usually a bid for quality time. They need that quality time to fill up their tank to make them feel loved and satisfied.

Another common core need is recreation together. So a partner with this type of need may say, hey, we haven't played Tennessee other than a long time, or we should go golfing together soon. Or we should go for a bike ride tonight to the ice cream store. You know that kind of person probably likes to do things in motion together. So they make bids on things around activities because that's what fills them up. Another example is emotional intimacy.

So that's the the partner and the person who needs to feel like your best friend and they know your inner world and they get to share their inner world and they want to feel known by you and they want to see you and you see them. So they may make a bid such as, hey, we haven't talked in awhile or I have so many thoughts I haven't shared or I want to hear everything that's going on in your life. We haven't, we haven't reconnected as spent . It's been too long.

Those types of comments is a clue that they're needing emotional connection. They're thrown out a bid . So one bid my wife made just recently is, we've been having kind of a busy few weeks with getting in school, started with having four kids and she made a bid for emotional intimacy and also can blend with the quality time. And she said, Hey, do you want to go walk the dog together tonight? We can get caught up on our thoughts.

And I knew because we haven't been spending as much quality time together or talking as much as usual cause things had been so busy. I knew she was making a bid that was a bid because she wanted to feel emotionally connected and for us to share what's been going on in our lives so she could feel close again emotionally. So that's an example of a bit. So the next thing to consider is do you recognize your partner's bits? What kind of bids does your partner make? What kind of things do they say?

What kind of gestures did they do with their behavior? Some people are very direct with their bids and it's clear. Other people are indirect and it's very subtle. Like maybe someone who wants more affection would come up to you and just kind of rub their fingers on your neck. And that's their way of trying to get your attention saying, Hey, touch me.

So that's, that's something to consider is start looking, if you don't already, for how your partner is making bids to you beyond the look for bids. And then second, consider what kind of bids do you provide? What are your core needs? And had you throw out that fishing line hoping to your partner will bite. What kind of bids do you give to your partner? Are they really clear bids or are they indirect bids? What kind of bids do you make?

It's just an interesting thing to think about and to become more mindful of. So the main thing to remember in this episode is you have three options on how to respond to your partners did . So the first option is you can turn away. So let's go back to the example of my wife asking me if I wanted to walk the dog with her. So if I'm recognizing, okay, that's a bid, the first thing I can do is I can turn away and turn away means I ignore the bid.

And so I would say something like, oh, I can't, I'm too busy. I have to keep working our all , not tonight, I've already had a walk today, or that's okay , it's a little too hot outside for me. All of those are turning away where I ignore the bid. Maybe I'd even recognize it was a bit. That happens a lot in marriages. So whether you recognize it or not, you turn away from a bid when you kind of , you just dismiss it. You ignore the request.

She's thrown out of bed hoping I recognize her need to connect and if I turn on her and say something aggressive or hostile, I just turned against her bid . That hurts the most because it requires a certain amount of vulnerability to throw out a bid because we don't want to get rejected. We don't want to get shot down. And if you get shot down enough, usually we give up, we stop throwing out the bids and you may be in that spot.

You may have thrown out so many bids that your partner ignored or turned against or turned away from that you've given up providing the bids. And that's a horrible feeling to have to turn against is when you get hostile in reaction to your partners . Bid for connection. The third option when your partner throws out a bid is you turn towards this or where you recognize, Whoa, that was a bid. You recognize that in your mind and then you intentionally move forward to meet the bid you turn towards.

So with the example of my wife with her saying, Hey, we should go on a on, we should walk the dog together later tonight so we can, you know, spend that time together. The ideal reaction from me is I recognize my mind. Okay, she just made a bit , she needs time together so we can talk and then turning towards her would sound something like this. That would be great. Let's definitely do that. And thankfully that's exactly what I said to her. Oh , that's not always been my response.

There's been lots of times where she's made bids and I've missed it and I have turned away or I've turned against and I have not turned towards. It's a learning process, but it's a powerful way to make your relationship closer. This also relates to attachment theory.

Attachment theory says that when you have a baby, when you have a child, one of the top ways of developing a secure attachment with that child, as you read the cues and the signals and then you respond sensitively and consistently, and when you do that over time you build a secure attachment because that baby or that child learns that they can trust other people, they can trust you, and this is the climate and the culture we want to cultivate in our marriage, a secure attachment so that when

your partner throws out bids, you want them to know you're going to recognize the bids and turn towards, so spend some time this week talking this through with your partner. Talk about what bids do you provide, what bids do they provide, what core needs do they come from, and then what would it look like to turn away, turn against or turn towards? One quick announcement before I wrap up today. I'm going to try something new.

This coming Thursday, September 5th from four to four 45 mountain standard time. I'm going to do a live V , a live session where people can call me from wherever you're listening during that time, and I'm going to answer any questions you have about marriage. And so the phone number to call in is (720) 999-9538 so I hope you take advantage of it.

It's this coming Thursday again, September 5th from four to four 45 mountain standard time, seven to 099-NINE-NINE-9538 I hope you call me and I look forward to taking your calls. Thank you for listening to the [inaudible] podcast. For more marriage resources, go to my website and Dr. Wyatt fisher.com and check out my facebookPage@facebook.com