Five Questions to Deepen Your Empathy In Marriage

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Welcome to the mayor. Steps podcasts were developing. A long lasting happy relationship is the status symbol to achieve. And following my six mayor steps is a path to help get you there. The six steps are establishing the Covenant Foundation, owning your broken miss, learning to share power, developing emotional attachment, cultivating sexual fireworks and staying in love. I'm your host. Dr White Fisher, licensed psychologist, a marriage counselor. If you believe in this podcast, I'd like to help me keep it on the air. Please consider becoming a monthly supporter but going to patri on dot com four slash mayor steps. That's P a T r e o n dot com. Four slash marriage steps depend on your level support. You'll receive a public thank you for me on the podcast free marriage training module of your choice, which are on my website for two free tickets to the next total marriage Fresh seminar and the next one's coming up this coming Saturday, February 22nd in Denver, Colorado. I'm looking forward to seeing all of you there. The list is up to around 90 couples, give or take, and in that day we're gonna unpack in detail those six steps to a successful marriage. There's a lot of application, a lot of time for just you and your partner to talk. There's no group sharing. It's a fun filled days. I hope you can make it look forward to seeing you guys who are already registered today. I'm gonna focus on five questions to deepen your empathy. So empathy comes out of mayor Step number four, which is developing emotional attachment. And one way you develop emotional attachment is you become safe for your partner to open up to, and one of the best ways to become safe is you become an empathetic listener, and that involves several things. The one way to become an empathetic listener is you do not offer any advice unless it's asked for, and that's hard. That's a hard pill to swallow, especially for us who are fixtures. I'm the fixer, and so I've had to work on this with my wife. She will van't invent, invent, and all I want to do is fix. But I've learned the hard way through the years that that is the last thing she needs. That's the last thing she desires, which she's looking for is empathy. So for you to become a safe listener and require some skills, some skill development around empathy, But the first thing you want to considers don't offer any advice. Now, the reason you want to become a safe listener is because the more your partner feels like you're safe, the more they're gonna open up, the more they're gonna share the closer they're gonna feel and the closer you're gonna feel to them, an emotional intimacy is often a prerequisite before the physical intimacy, which is why sexual fireworks is mayor set number five. It's after developing emotional attachment. So I'm going to go through five questions. You should ask your spouse in order to develop more empathy towards the way they feel and why they feel that way. So let's imagine your spouse's venting to you about something in their life, and you're trying to empathize. Ah, lot of people get stuck empathizing because they don't agree with how their partner is feeling. They think their partner is overreacting or misinterpreting or whatever the case may be, but they don't agree with how their partner is interpreting or experiencing or feeling about a situation. Therefore, they feel like they can't empathize. But that's false, because empathy is not contingent on. If you agree with how your partner is feeling, what empathy is is getting out of your shoes and then putting yourself in your spouse's shoes and really trying to see the world from their lens from their perspective, from their vantage point. And when you start to do that, what they're experiencing and what they're feeling will start to make sense. Therefore, you could always provide empathy, even if you disagree with what they're feeling. So the questions I'm gonna go through today applies to all partners. I would encourage all partners, asked these questions to one another, because the answer to these questions are gonna deep in your level of understanding with what makes your partner tick. And the deeper the understanding gets, the more likely you're gonna be able to put yourself in their shoes and empathize with what they're feeling as a reminder. Some really good empathy statements can sound like this. That sucks. That sounds horrible. No wonder you feel that way. I can see how you'd feel blank because of blank. That makes sense that you feel this because of that those air empathetic statements. Nothing complicated. Nothing elaborate just short and sweet. When you provide empathy, makes your partner Phil, you have their back that you're a team that they're not in the world alone, facing the stress in their life in one way to consider is you have to rethink what it means to fix. So fixing does not mean give a solution when your partner is venting unless they ask for it. Fixing means providing emotional support. Because if my goal is to fix and make my partner fuel better, it's not gonna be through the route of offering a solution. It's gonna be through the route of offering empathy that's gonna make them feel less emotional distress because they're going to feel like I get it. And I have their back. So first question to ask your partner, what wounds do they have in their upbringing? You need to know the answer to this question. What wounds do they have in their upbringing? So with my wife, for example, she has several wounds from her upbringing, but too I'll talk about today. The one wound she got from her mom is that her voice doesn't matter. Her mom domineering over her and over talk to her. And so my wife, growing up, developed this belief that her voice doesn't matter because her mom would not listen to her. Her mom would overpower her from her dad. She got the wound that she doesn't matter because her dad was far away. He was very successful in his career. Her parents were divorced, and so his her dad did not spend much time focusing on her when she was growing up. And that gave her this message that she doesn't matter. So those were two wounds right there off the bat that I need to be mindful of when I'm listening to my wife vents about something I have to be thinking. Okay, This this person talking to me has a wound of feeling like her voice doesn't matter and that she doesn't matter. So that's in my mind where my wife is venting to me. Second question. What insecurities do they have? Okay, what insecurities does your partner have? So a couple of securities my wife has struggled with through the years? One as she can feel inferior. So this is stemmed right out of her childhood wounds she entered adulthood feeling like I'm not good enough. I'm not as good as them. I'm inferior. I don't have what it takes. She had a lot of this insecurity, this sense of inferiority. And she also has and has worked through this. But it still could be there, this insecurity that others are gonna be more light than me. Then when someone really gets to know me, they're gonna choose someone else over me. So that's another insecurity for her. So the second thing I need to be thinking about my wife is venting is that she can have a tendency at times to feel inferior, and the other people are gonna be more like than her. That's just an insecurity she can wrestle with because of the wounds from her past. So now I have two things I'm thinking about in my mind when she's venting to me. The third thing to ask your partner is one of the top needs they have in marriage. One of their top needs. So for my wife, she's three. She has a need for affection. She has a need for adoration, and she has a need for me supporting her interest and all of these tie back to her upbringing on some level affection, because that is the way she experienced love from her mom adoration, because she always felt inferior. So she wants to feel the opposite of that and support my interest because she never felt like her parents tracked her life. She wants to make sure I'm really tracking her life. So now I have another thing to be keeping in mind When she's venting. I am listening to someone vent that has the needs of affection, adoration and support my interest. So what do your partners top needs? Number four. What are their top stressors? What do your partners top stressors? My wife has several. Two of them is a status of her friendships. If the status of her friendships is poor, that creates significant stress for her because that rattles her sense of foundation of security in her life because people are really important to her because she didn't have very many people growing up. Another thing that can create stress for my wife is a loss of control. When she has too much to do in her life. She loses mastery and growing up because she had a lack of control that can fuel traumatic for her. So that's a continual stressor she has to work with is a feeling of loss of control. And so what about your partner? What are their top stressors? So that's the fourth thing I have to be thinking about when my wife is venting. That's another thing I need to be mindful of. Its water, the top stressors for her. She she is stressed with a lack of security and her friendships and a loss of control and life because she can get too overwhelmed. So I need to be thinking about those two things when she's venting. To me, the fifth thing to ask your partner is one of their top values. What they value most in life. What what do they care about most in life? That's an important question because it's a part of who they are. So for my wife, she values several things. One of them I alluded to already, which is friendship. She really values friendship because that makes her feel connected. And again, she didn't have that growing up. Another thing she really values is stability. Growing up, she moved around a lot, and her mom has gone a lot for work and said she felt like things were very unstable. So she really values stability. That means security for her. Another thing she values is feeling significant because she felt insignificant growing up. So she wants to feel significant. She wants to feel worthy. So that's the fifth area I need to be thinking about when she is venting. Is this person venting to me has a need for friendship, a need for stability and a need to feel significant. That's the person venting to me right now. So if you put all that together, that's a lot to be mindful of when you're listening to your partner inventing. So the first question again is what wounds do they have in their upbringing? To what insecurities do they have three. What other top needs and your marriage for what other top stressors in 51 of their top values. So if you could interview your partner this week, a highly encourage it and to get down into the details of the answer the of answers of these questions and then really meditate on their answers, really let it soak in because the more you can soak in how your partner is wired along these five questions, the more likely when the event you will be able to understand why they're feeling what they're feeling because you'll be ableto understand deeper how they see the world and how they got there. Thank you for listening to the mayor stuff. Podcast. If you enjoyed the episode today, please subscribe. Click the five stars and leave a review for more marriage. Resource is go to my website dr Wyatt fisher dot com. That's d R W Y a t t f i s h e r dot com I have a lot of resource, is there? I have my mate marriage training modules, blawg, etcetera, etcetera. So be sure to check it out and follow me on facebook dot com for a slash Dr White Fisher or on Instagram at Dr Wyatt Fisher. I post daily usually twice a day Marriage tips, marriage encouragement. If this podcast is had a positive impact on you, I would love to hear from you. Also, if you have questions for me or topics you want me to cover, please e mail me. My email is info at dr white fisher dot com. And remember, your marriage is alive. If you care for it, it will thrive. And if you don't, it will die. The choice is up to you. Take care.