Episode 93: Greetings dudes and dudettes! We heard some of you were getting worried that DBAI had gone dark. Well have no fear, Episode 93 is finally here! Now grab a beer and listen very clear, because it’s the first official episode of the year! So give a cheer and hug a deer. And if that deer should look at you rather queer…well...just don’t worry about it, I guess. WE will tell YOU when to worry. Worry when pigs fly, dude! You are a particle on a worm in the egg of the universe? Words f l o ...
Jan 31, 2025•1 hr 11 min
Episode 92: HOCUS POCUS, DEMONS CHOKE US, WIND AND RAIN AND SLEET AND SNOW, LET’S GET READY FOR THE SHOW! [Poof!] Did you feel that tenner leave your pocket just then? No? Good, nevermind. Welcome to Don’t Be An Idiom! If you’re looking for a little bit of word history and a lotta bit of charming anecdotes we’ve got buttloads of both! Speaking of butts, why don’t you park yours on your favorite senator’s lawn and crank Episode 92 up until the cops take you, dead or alive! VIVA LA IDIOMA!!
Nov 14, 2024•1 hr 5 min
Episode 91: [Sirens blare] Attention pathetic inhabitants of planet Earth! We have entered your atmosphere and you like didn’t even know it. We are here to inform you that you are basically the turds of the universe. Your overinflated egos are an ironic and laughable contrast to your milquetoast approach to “science” and exploration. I put science in quotes because what you call “science” is less advanced than what we call “dogs” are capable of on our planet. We are obviously also here to conque...
Oct 11, 2024•1 hr
If you're looking to get your creep on, you've come to the right place: the eighteenth installment of Do Be A Monster. We'll be setting sail for the Orkney Islands in today's episode and you may want to watch what you eat, because if you catch sight of the Nuckelavee, you're probably going to upchuck. We suggest a nice hot plate of haggis, neeps, and tatties (and be sure to stay close to fresh water). Later, we'll be heating things up with the charming Mongolian Death Worm who has been known to ...
Jun 23, 2024•55 min
Episode 90: Have you ever ridden your bicycle through the woods and heard the paper-crinkle sound of two husks of men stumbling over the detritus of a thousand seasons reaching towards your back wheel? And when you look back, you aren't even freaked out or concerned just completely bewildered by the spectacle because you've never seen such shells of men before with sunken eyes and lizard grey skin? And you quickly realize that these unfortunate entities are not after your bicycle wheels or brand...
May 18, 2024•1 hr 9 min
Episode 89: Upsa-daisy, biscuits and gravy, mama’s in the kitchen with the Michelin baby. Papa’s in the woodshed, he can’t stop...sharpening his ax for the Gordian knot. Onesie, twosie, threesie, foursie, tax man’s knocking at the doorsie. Mama throws the gravy in his face; Papa swings his ax and their debt’s erased! Enjoy episode eighty-ninezy. It’s a doozy!
Apr 22, 2024•58 min
If it's April 1st, it must be time for another serving of Let's Get A Strombo—the only podcast dedicated to the tastiest pizza shop treat this side of the Marinara River. With the bells to prove it, the boys have put in the work and not only surfed a wave of agita over the past few weeks, but delved into the deepest pools of philosophy surrounding the famed strombo. You'll hear so much about strombos, you might need to pause to get the grease out o' your ears! So loosen that belt and hit play fo...
Apr 01, 2024•36 min
Episode 88: Horsefeathers! Episode 88 already? I say, I say, where does the time go? The boys are back, tight, and rock hard with a FULL episode…song and everything! We were feeling like the low man on the totem pole there for a minute, but we’re back on top now baby! But is that actually a good thing? Listen now and find out.
Mar 08, 2024•56 min
Episode 87: When in Rome, do as the Romans do...and this week Albert and Ryan visited Sickboy Land where two customs reign supreme: delay releasing one's podcast and run out of time to write an end-of-the-episode song. However, the boys ain't the type to draw legs on a snake and thought it best to give the people what they've got—which is one bebop zoomin' episode that'll make you cover your face in bees and straddle a hog. You can be sure that by the end of the hour you'll be thieving pizza and...
Feb 17, 2024•58 min
Episode 86: Maaaaaaaan! Y’all are the lowest, lousiest buncha flea-bitten scum suckers I ever had the misfortune of laying my eyes on! I mean, really. What is the deal with your whole face-head? I say, I’ve got a right mind to scatter all you lily-livered polecats to the freakin’ four winds! On the other hand, this could be the opportunity of a lifetime! I can see the headlines now: SWARTHY PODCAST GOONS LICK MILQUETOAST AUDIENCE INTO SHAPE FOR LOW, LOW PRICE $$ WOMEN SWOON IN THEIR PRESENCE! ME...
Jan 26, 2024•58 min
Crunch…crunch…crunch…CRUNCH! What’s that?! Albert munching on unsalted almonds? No, you idiot, it’s the latest episode of Do Be A Monster! Pour yourself a Scotch and strap in 'cause the boys are going to take you on a wild rollercoaster ride from the peaks of Ben Macdui to romp with The Big Grey Man all the way down to the dirty, forgotten bathhouses of Japan to slurp up some fun with the Akaname! This one’s got it all folks: Scots, scum, fur, tongue! [Makes the sign of the cross] Remember in th...
Jan 12, 2024•55 min
Episode 85: Forget the Christmas goose and throw the figgy pudding out the window because the only thing good enough for all you idiomats out there is whatever abomination to nature rolls out of the boys’ big old sack of due corrections after this year’s annual Don’t Be An Idiom Holiday Snipe Hunt Extravaganza! We’ll be sucking down snouts and picking our teeth with hide bristles until our bells be ringing the glad, glad news! So grab your gongs and heed the call! I think I just spotted one hidi...
Dec 15, 2023•1 hr 9 min
Episode 84: From soup to nuts, we here at DBAI Inc. are wishing you and yours a crappy Thanksgiving! And if your great step grammy starts wailing like a banshee 'cause there’s chunkers in the mashed potaters, give her some sound advice and tell her, “DON’T BE AN IDIOM, GRANNY!” That’s all folks!
Nov 23, 2023•1 hr 21 min
Episode 83: Trick or treat, kiddies! Episode 83 is coming at ya like a bat out of Hell on this dark day when the veil between worlds is thinner than your podcast hosts’ hair! So, whether you’re haunting the spooky streets like little Tony Provolone, or kicking back in your favorite lawn chair handing out fun-size salamis to all the little shits in the neighborhood, make sure you give your ears a little treat this Samhain. The treat is episode 83, if that wasn’t clear. And though this is an idiom...
Oct 31, 2023•1 hr 23 min
Episode 82: Greetings, boils and ghouls! We hope you didn’t stay up until the witching hour this weekend waiting for your favorite podcast to disgrace you with its presence. You see, the boys have been going through some…changes, and have come to the conclusion that Fridays are spooky-cool enough on their own. Mondays, on the other hand, keep showing up like a bad penny, so we’ve decide to help soften the blows with a little biweekly idiomatic intervention. For those brave souls that actually re...
Oct 09, 2023•1 hr 27 min
Look at you. You are covered in dirt and you have just dug up the sixteenth installment of Do Be A Monster. For better or worse, the tentacles of this Shoggoth of an episode will travel deep into your consciousness and reveal all sorts of mischieveous monsters and mayhem. For starters, Albert will take you by the hand to the borderlands of Scotland and England where he will introduce you to the Red Cap — a goblin with a very specific need for blood and a penchant for making abodes of abandoned c...
Sep 25, 2023•1 hr 7 min
Episode 81: If thine fruit is ripe, pluck it! And if thy root beer doth chill, sip it! This is the kind of Augustan era philosophizing you're going to get in this week's bodacious episode of idiom history sleuthing. Yahs, the fellas really go the whole nine yards with fascinating rivulets that include stacked white tires and the depth of a rich man's grave. So carpe diem and enter the world of Don't Be An Idiom.
Jul 28, 2023•1 hr 12 min
Episode 80: Whoa, Nelly! Word on the street is we’ve got some quislings in our midst. It seems that some of you have been dabbling in various forms of VISUAL media behind our backs! Honestly, we’re just a little hurt. I mean, the boob tube? Really? It’s not even what it sounds like! I thought we all agreed that the only entertainment you need to know…is audi audi audi-YO?! And we’re not into the whole ENM listeners thing, so you can either stick with us or take the bus! Episode 80 has all the de...
Jul 14, 2023•1 hr 7 min
Episode 79: Ah, summer. There’s just something about it. How it harkens us back to the halcyon days of daisy chains, tire swings, a glass of sweet mammy’s lemonade on the back porch, more daisy chains…”WEE-OO WEE-OO! ATTENTION, THIS IS THE GOVERNMENT! THE US GOVERNMENT! EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, SUMMER HAS BEEN DEEMED ILLEGAL DUE TO RECORD HIGH LEVELS OF PLEASURE ALONG WITH AN OVERALL LACK OF PRODUCTIVITY! IT’S SIMPLY UNAMERICAN! ALL IPHONE CALENDARS HAVE BEEN REMOTELY UPDATED TO SEPTEMBER 1ST! AND...
Jun 30, 2023•1 hr 9 min
Episode 78: You awake in a small, neatly furnished room. You rise from the bed and walk over to the mirror sitting atop the dresser at the far end of the room. It is not a long walk. There’s no recognition in the face staring back at you. The face is neither overly attractive, nor what you would consider ugly. It’s the kind of face that would blend easily into a crowd and be forgotten the moment it left one’s sight. You move to the window and behold tall, knotty pines. The mid afternoon sun hang...
Jun 09, 2023•1 hr 1 min
Episode 77: “Bark bark! Woof woof! Baaaaaah! Yipe yipe yipe!” It’s a goddamn zoo down at DBAI headquarters! Someone really screwed the pooch and let all the damn dogs out. Then the dogs unlocked the barn and all the friggin’ sheep got out! Now the sheep are nipping at your boys’ ankles as they try their damnedest to climb Boo Radley’s apple tree to freedom. What a scene! But let’s get serious for a second, folks. Is the daily grind grinding you down? Did you wolf a whole pack of hotdogs and then...
May 12, 2023•1 hr 3 min
Episode 76: Hey everyone! Have you done something new with your hair? Your skin looks so young and wet! A new rat hair toupee, perhaps? Now, we’re not just trying to butter you up so you’re inclined to listen to Episode 76 of DBAI. We’d never dream of it! Ok, ya got us. We’re pretty much beyond the pale of what good and decent folk would do to make an honest living, so why don’t ya just slurp up the sweet, sweet lies we’re slinging and come on down to the Don’t Be An Idiom Used Car Lot! If you d...
Apr 28, 2023•1 hr 6 min
What's that shriek in the distance? That rustle in the bushes? Those glowing eyes in the foggy woods? That slimy skin breaking the surface of the sea? It's the fifteenth installment of Do Be A Monster! Albert and Ryan have returned from a week long Monster Road Trip through the states of New England. The boys traversed the northeast and hunted a wide array of freaky monstrosities: Melon Heads in Connecticut, The Great Glawackus, The Winsted Wildman, Mercy Brown the Vampire, Pukwudgies, The Glouc...
Apr 14, 2023•1 hr
It's April Fools Day and that means Let's Get A Strombo is back! The boys have resurrected the tastiest podcast this side of the Strombo River and you won't believe the delicious audial sauce that's in store for you. In this year's stromboli themed podcast, the fellas embark on a gustatory adventure in search of the best strombo in the Philly/New Jersey area. You'll hear more than you thought was ever possible about grease ratios. You'll cower in fear and wonder at the revered Moby Stromb. Your ...
Apr 01, 2023•35 min
Episode 75: Good blorning to you all. This is Morg your neighborhood troll. Life has been pretty good to me as you can see from all of these sweet brass rings hanging on my slime walls, but I always felt there was something missing from life, a wee hole in my heart. Little could I know that that hole (which reeked of brine and musk) needed to be filled by a little DIY podcast called Don't Be An Idiom. Now, I'm not saying I enjoy the podcast — oh hell no. In fact, I hate it. But I enjoy hating it...
Mar 17, 2023•1 hr 3 min
Episode 74: Well boys, do ya want the good news or the bad news first? Bad news? Ok. So there’s no fun way to say this, but you’re being sued. By who you ask? Apparently the folks at Little Tables don’t take kindly to being poked fun at. The good news is lawyer daddy’s found a loophole in the Ohio state legislature. All ya gotta do is cough up a couple of silver spoons for greasy Judge Mancrow’s hairy grandkids. Unfortunately, the Mancrow clan is fertile as all get out! I heard this one story ab...
Mar 03, 2023•1 hr
Listen, if you're visiting America and you want to avoid monsters, it's downright impossible. Say you're after a nice little vacation in New England and you're dying to go for a little swamp stroll; well, who do you think will be waiting in the thicket, ready to stare you down and drown your lazy ass? Exactly right — the Pukwudgies! These lil porcupine bastards have been wreaking havoc since the Wampanoag ruled these lands. Maybe you're more of a desert kind o' explorer. That's all good, but you...
Feb 18, 2023•1 hr 1 min
Episode 73: It’s the semi-annual Don’t Be An Idiom Zoo fire sale! That’s right, our zoo is on fire and all of our remaining idiomatic animals are on sale and they are going FAST, Jack! We’ve got guinea pigs, dark horses…er, uh…dark pigs, guinea horses, and much, MUCH more! But seriously folks, you’re gonna wanna get over here while the getting’s good 'cause the smell of singed animal hair and broken dreams is getting a bit overwhelming. But be forewarned, our Dracula landlord is NOT happy with u...
Feb 03, 2023•1 hr 4 min
Episode 72: Happy Friday the 13th, y’all! We know, we know, it’s not Friday the 13th right noooooooow, but it was when we recorded this shit! To celebrate the big bad day AND the release of Episode 72 the boys cooked ya up a big ol’ pot of spooky spaghetti and malevolent meatballs and slopped it up with a terrifying trough of murderous marinara. What’s that? We forgot the bread you say? Don’t make us laugh maniacally! Of course we swung by Tony Role’s Roll Emporium and picked up a baker’s dozen!...
Jan 20, 2023•1 hr 10 min
Episode 71: Helloooooooo nurses! We know you’ve been waiting all year for this one. It’s the FAIRLY ANNUAL DBAI NEW YEAR’S EXTRAVAGANZA-SODE! The fur is flying and there’s no denying that you’ll be crying if you miss out on the first episode of 2023! Look, we understand that you and this podcast are joined at the hip and that’s why we’re taking you on a trip…a busman’s holiday if you will. Where are we going you ask? To answer is no simple task. So why don’t you just relask? The boys are behind ...
Jan 06, 2023•1 hr 14 min
