¶ Being Single with Purpose
If you are a single , this is for you . If you ever want to be married now , you don't have to be married right To be a single . Paul was a successful single . Jesus was a successful single . You can be about the work of the Lord , first Corinthians , chapter seven .
But if you want to be married , you need to know how to believe God for a spouse Absolutely .
And here's the truth , and this is the principle that I really want to teach right from the beginning today , because when I see successful marriages , I'm seeing them have the foundation of selflessness where , listen , when the two becomes one , some two people have to die so that the new thing can live , and so Ken had to die , tabitha had to die so that Ken
and Tabitha could live , and there are way too many people that it's almost like well , I just feel like I'm not getting my needs met and I just feel like I would rather be single . And but aren't , isn't the old you dead ?
You know what I'm saying .
It's almost like you want to leave your relationship because you don't get what you want , how you want it , when you want it , and you feel unfulfilled . That's the epitome of a bad marriage .
And you're going to carry that selfish attitude into every business adventure and every relationship that God brings into your life until you finally realize that the agape love of God is not about people serving you , it's about you serving somebody else . And if we were honest , aren't good marriages founded on that Humility serving one another , loving one another ?
I'm doing for you as you're doing for me . Can you talk about that ?
Yeah , I mean being selfless . Selfless in marriage , yeah , it's just . It's always putting the other person first . You know , I love the analogy you did of like dying to you know , like you die to yourself . That's why marriage is to your own pleasure .
They haven't died yet . That's like the person who's walking with Jesus , but they want to bring their old lifestyle into the walk with Christ . I don't know if it's their old mindset , their old behaviors , their old addictions , their old sexuality and they said but still , I love Jesus . But here's the thing when you said yes to Jesus .
you were supposed to die so that he could live . You were supposed to die so that the greater one can live . When the two become one , the two have to die so that the team can live . So now it's all about team Clator . So it's not about what I need my education , I want my money and I wanted to do this . Now it's about what we want to do .
It's all based upon selflessness , not selfishness . And all I'm saying is just to go back to your list and reconsider , and maybe you should make a list and say , hey , I want to be able to serve my spouse in this way . I want to be able to honor my spouse . I want God to develop this kind of faithfulness in me .
I want God to give me a revelation of what it means to be in covenant relationships . I want to understand what it means mutual submission . I want to understand what a soft answer is that turns away wrath . I want to have a love for God and I believe that all marriages can succeed if we have the right foundation . Wow , you get it .
Yes , it's so good .
I kind of want to jump into this whole piece today of some things that we can do to really help people believe God . For a spouse and I wrote down a few and you can jump in with me . Number one I think we need to ask him for it .
Ask God for a spouse , yeah .
So let's start right there . You are single , all right . How many of you all are single ? All right ? How many of you all want to be married one day or married again ? The first thing that you need to do is you need to ask God .
¶ The Foundation of Selflessness in Marriage
Don't try to just do it on a dating app . Don't try to just do it on a dating app . Don't try to do it with somebody from church or somebody you work , hooking you up , sending you on a blind date . You need God to get involved and the Bible says you have not because you ask not yeah , and you know I ask God for you .
I didn't know it was you at the moment , but I ask God for someone to love me and I wasn't saved at the moment . It was maybe a few months before I met you actually .
I was in college . What year Do you remember ?
Oh , maybe 1997 . 1997 . Because , it turned 1998 in the new year , my birthday , when I met you , so it was like December 1997 . I was in college . All of my roommates left and the whole university left to go home to their families . I didn't go home to my family yet , maybe till the last minute I was just waiting .
So I was there alone and I remember being really sad , depressed , literally in my bed and feeling alone and just asking God , just send me someone who would love me . And that's all I remember . And it's weird because I wasn't saved . I didn't really understand the whole .
Jesus and God thing . So you're saying that you wasn't saved yet , right , but you still was praying to God . Yeah , talk to me about that .
Because I didn't know a difference when I was younger . I didn't grow up in church or anything , but my grandmother taught me how to pray . She just , I just knew that there was a God , but I didn't know about the Father , the Son , the Holy Spirit . I didn't know anything else , but there was a God .
And she said Tabby , when you pray , pray like this , dear God . And that's all I remember .
So I knew that I could pray and ask God for things . So you're saying you're in college , it's 1997 . At this point you've been diagnosed depressed , for probably nine , 10 years . And you are by yourself . And what do you ask , god ?
God , send me someone who will love me .
And you said that in December . And then what happened in January ?
January was my birthday on the 14th and it was a Wednesday night and my girlfriends took me out to the club . It's Wednesday night , but we're going out to celebrate your birthday . You are coming , and so I was sitting at the bar ordering a drink and , lo and behold , here comes this curly head guy . Actually , I didn't even look at you .
All I know is that I was sitting at the bar and some guy approaches me and I was trying to ignore you . Really bad , like I did not want to . I had been in an abusive relationship . I didn't want anything to do with anyone . Okay , and so you go . Hey , what's your name ? And I say Tabitha , but I didn't look at you .
I was kind of like , kind of giving you the cold shoulder so that you would think , oh , let me leave her alone . But I was still really nice , and so I said I was just like wow , because I had just started to go to church to try to find God and my friends wouldn't go to church with me .
So I was amazed that this guy at a bar on my birthday would say that he saw me at church . So then I turned around and looked at you and I was just like , oh , okay , you were smiling , you had nice teeth , you had these nice eyes and this curly hair . Still , you were articulate and just saying nice things . So I gave you my number .
I was your birthday gift from Jesus . You were my birthday gift , but we got to run this playback for a minute because I know somebody is like okay , pastors met in a bar . Yes , we have not been saved all the days of our life and that's why you can trust in what we're saying , because we've been here and we've also been there .
You know what I mean . God will bring you through , yeah .
And we didn't know anything back then . I mean , I grew up in the church but I lived as a Christian atheist for about 10 years of my life , meaning I believed in God but live like he didn't exist . And so I believed in God as well , but I still partied , I still went out , I didn't , and I was completely unfulfilled .
And so I'm out by myself on a Wednesday night because I had an apartment that was like above the club and I've been watching her for months and I'm like man , there's not a lot of people out today , but she's out . I mean it was like . I mean it was like 20 people there , maybe 25 people .
I was like tonight's my night and I was like I got to get my spit game on , so I just waited for the right time and I just rolled up behind her . And , yeah , I said that line , but it wasn't a line , it was the truth . I had been going to a small church on and then I would leave early and I'd see her up in the front and she never saw me .
And so when I said that , it was like the clouds parted , the sun came out . This is the one . This is God's gift , and it's an amazing story about how God will use you even in your ignorance .
Oh yeah .
And that's why you never have to feel guilt and condemnation . If you know that you're in a sinful situation , God wants to bring you out . You just got to take a step towards him and he's going to take two or three or four .
He's going to come and get you , you know what I'm saying , and we were in our ignorance , didn't know anything , but church kind of brought us together .
But we were searching for God , obviously
¶ Ask God for a Spouse
you know , and so here we are today .
So you prayed that prayer in December . I show up in January and so , no matter where you are , you didn't . You wasn't even saved , but God still answered that prayer Absolutely . So do not think that God cannot help bring the right person in your life Absolutely , but you need to make sure they're the right person .
Number two my second principle that I would give you is make sure that you are marriage material . Make sure that you're marriage material . You know you're believing God and you're doing all this spiritual stuff , but you need to be marriage material . Can you talk about it ?
What is marriage material ? Does that mean that ? Okay , so let's say we have a list and we're believing God that this is a man who's going to love me , like Christ loves the church , that he's going to be a good father to our children , that he's going to provide , like he's going to do all of these things together .
You know , are you the kind of wife that fits the description for this son ? You know , for this ? man that you want to marry , yeah , and vice versa . The kind of wife or husband , so , yeah , I think that's what being marriage material is the person that you're believing for . Are you , you know , the mate for that person ?
Do you evil ?
out .
Well , there are people who have things on their list and they're nowhere near on that level . Yeah , like you say , I want him to make six figures and you make two dollars an hour .
Yeah .
Or I want him to be educated and you don't have your GED , or I want him to be tall , dark and handsome , but you're sloppy and you know you're not taking care of yourself at all . You don't have yourself together .
So I think what it is is that the single season if that's what it is , a season is a great opportunity for you to work on you , and what I've seen is that if single people wouldn't be pressed , so to say , and they're just working on themselves , god will bring the right person and you ain't even really have to try Absolutely .
It's like they'll just show up and they'll kind of go in line with what you're already doing . But I think the key is to really work on yourself .
Wouldn't you say , as long as you're putting God first in your life , yeah , and you're improving yourself , loving yourself , I mean , even from the physical . I mean , of course , you want to bait the hook right .
Yeah , like go to the gym . Yeah , yeah , you're single . Get yourself in the best shape that you can . Like do your hair . Like put on some makeup , you know . Like shine your shoes . Like clean your car like have a clean house . I mean , like I know that that's so basic , isn't that so true ?
Yeah , it's so true .
Like , if you're going to bait the hook , bait the hook to where ? The fish want to jump on the hook . Absolutely , you know what I'm saying .
So you can't be anybody else , but you can be your best self , you're not trying to be yeah , you're not trying to be someone that you're not , you know and be like dressed to the you know T all of the time . We're not saying that , but just take care of yourself , educate yourself .
If you have dreams like business goals and you want to start a business , start your business .
Buy a house ? Yeah , buy a house .
You don't have to be married to buy a house . You know go , be financially secure on your own and I think that's what makes you wife material or husband material . You know , know how to take care of yourself . Like you know . You should know how to grocery shop for yourself . Man or woman . Know how to cook .
You should know how to cook something for yourself , man or woman . You know how to cook . You should know how to cook something for yourself , man or woman .
Now , you knew how to cook , but it wasn't good , well , it was pretty good to me until you showed up and took it to another level and then I completely turned those responsibilities over to you .
I remember I came to his apartment and he was making . First of all , I was shocked that he was cooking . He had like a full meal . I was shocked , but I looked at it , y'all , and it did not look good .
We was eating to survive .
We was eating to survive , but it touched my heart . And from then on , I did my best to cook for you .
Like I would just cook you , like whatever , I'll hit the jackpot . But the roles might be reversed in some relationships and the man does the cooking , but for us this works very well .
It does .
But I'll give you number three go on dates , go on dates . And I want to unpack that for a moment , because if you're believing God for a spouse and you are so spiritual
¶ Becoming Marriage Material
that you don't do the natural , I don't know . It just seems like some people that are Christians , they don't want to go on dates or they feel like they only need to go on group dates . I think that can be a little weird sometimes for me , I think group dates can be safe but , at some time .
If I'm interested in you , I want it to be me and you over dinner , me and you over coffee . It doesn't have to be ungodly or unholy . We can stay up at 2 am in my bedroom , or nothing like that .
I mean you're grown , You're an adult . You're an adult man , but you don't go on dates with people that you don't like . You know if you're not attracted to them , no , don't go on the date . If you're not interested , don't go on the date . But if you are , that's how you build relationships . You know that's how you .
You know , what I think the problem is is that people when they're dating , they give too much of themselves away .
They do , and then they cross boundaries and then it's like they're all spread all over the place and they've been with this person that they was dating and this person that they was dating , this person they kissed and this person they was in their bed and this person they was taking photos with in France and this person over here .
And then it makes dating weird . But if you can date in a holy way , like a God centered way , if you happen to break up or say that this is not the person , it's not bad , because your money's not intertwined , your bills are not intertwined , you haven't had sex with one another , you haven't been sucking on each other's face .
I'm just saying that if you date with parameters , you can kind of move yourself .
It's the word date . It's the word date . It means like , well , we're dating , that's like official , it's just the word date . But if you can go out to coffee , if you can go out to coffee , if you can go to dinner , that's what it is . Go to the mall , if you can go to a basketball game , football game , if you can go do an activity with them .
So we don't like the word date . Yeah , it's just the , it's the word date . The word date means that we're an item , we're a couple , we're trying to do something , and I do you know , like for would make me uncomfortable . I would think To go on a date . Yeah , no , I'm not dating him . It's just a big deal .
It seems like a big deal to go on a date .
I don't agree . I don't know . I think if you just go do something , it's fine . Us going on a date and us dating is two different things .
But imagine you're single and you're single from your 20s to your 30s and you go on like 10 dates a year , like you kind of . Don't you get tired of going on dates , you know ? Like you don't know I don't want to go on a date . Well , I went on a date with this person and a date on that with that person .
You got 50 people that you went on dates with . It just feels a certain way and sounds a certain way . But on a date after coffee or dinner or a few group things , where I figure out , oh I like you enough and now , yeah , I'll let you take me on a date . That's a date .
That's interesting . So it's just the label and how the label makes you feel .
Absolutely .
So you heard it first . Here , people , we're not going on dates . We just figured it out , we're going to McDonald's .
Now me and you , we can go on dates .
I'm saying if I were single .
I probably wouldn't be going on dates .
But you would go to coffee .
I would go to coffee .
Would you go to a movie ?
I would probably go to a movie .
But it's just not a date .
Yeah , it's not a date . Y'all go check a movie out with you .
That's interesting , all right . Well , number four . The fourth thing that we would tell you to do
¶ Don't Be Pressed: Dating with Confidence
if you believe in God for a spouse would be don't be pressed , come on .
I need to say that , please , man and woman .
Don't be pressed . Can you talk about it ?
Yes , now I have girlfriends and have seen girlfriends and you know , who are pressed and have been pressed and I think the number one turnoff for a man is probably a woman who's pressed , where he might like you and give you the time of day but he might not be , serious about you .
You know what I mean , where , if he likes you , I think you know in my experiences and you can say this like the man likes the chase , like he doesn't want you , like you know , like not , that a woman can't pursue and give little flirty hints and things like that to let you know like hey , I like you , but pressed and pursuing is something totally like .
You know what I mean .
I know it's a little different , yeah .
But even with guys I'll say this Like you know , when I was single , I like , didn't like a guy who would just be like , when a guy was pressed , immediate turnoff . Yeah , it is a difference between like you approaching me and being secure and confident and all of that , and you know asking me out on a date and all of that .
Then you just being pressed Immediate turnoff .
And what would ? And when you say pressed , give me some behavioral examples of what that would be like for you . A guy would do what Call you every day or be waiting for you . Like what do you mean ?
I think it would be more like yeah , like you know this , you know like you're talking to my friends or you're going around and having your friends approach me and you didn't come to me yourself , like , please , I'm a grown up here .
OK , is that a turn off , ladies , that a guy would have like one of your friends approach you on his behalf ?
It is , it was . I mean , I can't speak for every woman , but for me , like I'm a grown woman , you better be a grown man , and like I don't want to play games , oh , wow so you maybe high school yeah .
You want your man just to or who was interested to simply come up and say , hey , can I have your number ? Or hey , I'm interested . You wouldn't want him to do the work around at all .
Not really .
Not really .
Not really .
That's interesting , do you know ?
why ? I think because for so it came up in the conversation of people being pressed . To me it was more like I don't know . It just seemed a little childish to me but maybe not confident enough . Like you or your friend , I don't like it .
I'm annoyed by your friend breaking up me and my group of girls interrupting my time and what I'm doing and things like that . So if you're serious about me or whatever , just come up and say and it doesn't have to be this big formal hi , I'm such and such and I like you and I want to date you .
Will you give me my number , just like , hey want to introduce myself . I'm such and such . What's your name ? I mean , I don't know , but it's like real casual .
Okay , I don't know how I got in there . It was a miracle , yeah it was God .
I'm saying you just because I was really , but anyway , back to the don't be pressed .
I think the don't be pressed is more of an attitude , Probably it's more of a posture and a disposition . It's a thirst and you can feel it . I don't even know if it's just behavioral or it's just like , if this works out , did he call me ? Did she call me ? Is he doing this ? And it's almost like .
I see people on social media and you can tell that they're kind of pressed .
Well , it's almost like- .
Exactly what it is .
Maybe in the comments people can share some examples of what it is to be correct . I have one example .
It's like when you don't have your own life , like you want to go to , you want to know what I'm doing for breakfast , for lunch and for dinner , and then after that in every day of the week , and it's like OK , or you want to claim me too fast like take pictures together and just kind of claim it too fast yeah .
And you don't seem confident , like if this works out , cool , if it's not , I'm going to be good .
Yeah , either way yeah .
And like not acting with an attitude , but just like have confidence in who you are with God . Like not .
Yeah , like I said , yes , I'd go to coffee with you , but now why does ? Why is everybody coming up to me talking about , oh , so you're going to do coffee with such and such ? No , that's press . Yeah , ok , that's just too no-transcript to hopefully keep them .
I've heard stories of people either impregnating someone or wanting to be impregnated just so that they could keep a relationship . Now , that's pressed , that's crazy , yeah .
Can you imagine ?
Yeah , I got to move
¶ Keeping Your Standards and Holiness
on though Number five . This is the fifth one we'll give you and it will be keep it holy . And I think we can end with that one , because if you are believing God for a spouse , you have to make a commitment here , not externally but internally , that my body's for the Lord and the Lord is for my body .
Yeah , and I am committed to holiness , and holiness isn't like long dress and , like you know this , cross your T's and dot your eyes and lip . No , it's just saying what God's word says I submit my life to his word and that's what holiness is . And so Jesus was the personification of holiness .
And I think it's so important that we make a commitment , especially those who are single , that I'm going to live a holy life . I don't care what man or woman God puts in my life . There are certain standards that I have that I will not break as unto the Lord . Can you talk about that ?
Yeah , and I think , especially for you know the woman and the man you know , just to keep yourself holy , there's just standards that you can set for yourself . When you have standards , I think those standards are attractive . And we go back to talking about the list that we want and the qualities that we want in a man or a woman .
It's when you have standards , man , that speaks so much of your character and who you are . And when you if I come across a person who , let's say , you are now we have standards that or we have convictions to some things that we do in our lives that are different .
Like you don't watch rated R movies for the most part , and so I know there are some movies that I can watch because I don't have the same convictions that you do . You know what I mean . Like I can watch a movie it doesn't do anything for me to see . Like I don't know .
So you think , yes .
So I think and I don't watch it , but I'm saying it's not . I don't have the same convictions as you do , but I respect that about you , that you have these standards , that you're not going to cross this line because you know yourself so well and you love God that much and you want and desire to keep your life holy . Therefore , you have set these standards .
I respect that and so I think when we have standards as far as all levels of holiness , not just sex but what we watch like if you're asking me to go to a movie but it's like some crazy you know horror film or like some movie I'm like , uh , where are your standards ?
You know , if you do , you keep your word , you're asking me to meet you at eight o'clock but you're not showing up till nine . Like , where are your standards here ? So I think that those standards , you can tell a tree by its fruit . They're attractive .
I think when you keep your word and when you keep your standards and you set up parameters and you keep them , I think that holy lifestyle is something . If you're believing for a spouse who loves God and will love you , you want to keep those standards .
Yeah , I think the list could go on
¶ Having Faith While You Wait
of things that we do to believe God . You know , I think that there's a lot of people who just don't know how to believe God any longer . They don't know how to get a scripture and to stand on it how to meditate on the promises of God , how to , how to thank God , believe you receive and thank God as if it's already happened .
To act like it , act like the joy of the Lord , but not to have the patience that it takes to wait for it , to not be pressed , to not get online , to not try to manufacture something , to not not getting online is a problem , but I'm saying pressed online , like online everywhere , every website just trying to find somebody .
I think that when we really know how to believe God for a spouse , it trickles over into every area . How do you believe God for a bill to be paid ? How do you believe God for somebody in your family that's not saved ? How do you believe it's the same thing , but just now applying it to a spouse ?
And the thing about a spouse is that you can't control another person's will , and so you have to believe that God's going to bring that person .
Absolutely .
So we just hope that these few nuggets will actually just give you some tools in your toolbox of how to have joy and peace as you wait .
Absolutely .
Also to know that you don't have to be married to be fulfilled . There are a lot of single people that are single and successful , and there's a lot of married people that are married and miserable . So you do not have to be married to be who God's called you to be .
But if you desire to be married , I want you to know that God wants to give you the desires of your heart . But wait on the Lord . And again I say wait . All right .