¶ Revitalizing Sexual Intimacy in Marriage
Hey , welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We are so pumped that you're tuning into this podcast . It has been designed for people just like you . We wanna do life with you , share our wins , our defeats , our ups and our downs , in hopes that you'll grow closer to God and to the people that you love in your life . Sit back and enjoy today's podcast .
Hey , what's up ? Everybody so pumped to have you with another episode , season two of Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha , and we're pumped about today . Don't touch that dial .
We're gonna be sharing some things about sex in the marriage and saving the sexless marriage , and , by definition , many people define a sexless marriage as a marriage that only have sex less than 10 times per year , and so whether you're there 10 times a year , 20 times a year , 30 times a year , I don't know there's gonna be some principles that we share with
you today . That we believe is gonna help you .
Absolutely so listen , we're gonna have fun later on , but right now , if you're new to our podcast , we just wanna say welcome , listen .
We are praying for you and we pray to God that the people who find this podcast are the people that really need it and the people that will benefit from it , and so we're just believing that you're gonna get the most out of this podcast today .
Yeah , our goal is to help you grow closer to God and closer to the people that God has placed in your life . We've been married for 24 years and we wanna share our ups , our downs , our all arounds with you , and that's why we call it Doing Life with us because , that's it . This ain't perfect .
It's raw , much of it is uncut and we just gonna give you what we're thinking and let the Holy Spirit kinda use it . We wanna help your marriage get better . We released a Better Marriage Bootcamp and we believe that any marriage it doesn't matter how bad it is , it can get better . But you actually have to make an investment for your marriages to get better .
It takes an investment into education for you to get smarter . It takes an investment into the gym and exercise for your body to get in shape . It takes an investment into spiritual things to grow . It takes an investment into your marriage , and so we have invested in you . We've taken we took a long time to put this together 90 days , 12 sessions .
We got all kinds of things the art of communication , how to have great sex so many different segments and things that we've put into this bootcamp .
If you're interested in investing in your marriage and being a part of the Better Marriage Bootcamp , I would encourage you to go over to our website , kenandtabithacom thebettermarriagebootcampcom , or go to our show notes for the link to that and make that investment . On today . All right , but we're pumped for today .
Today's episode is entitled Saving the Sexless Marriage . Wow , what to do when you're not in the mood . All right , and I'm gonna give you a few disclaimers today if you don't mind . If you are not currently married , this might not be the episode for you Now .
You can hold on if you want to , but we're gonna share with you real marriage stuff , intimacy stuff , sex stuff , and some of you all need this information before you go into marriage , but then others of you all it's not time for you to open up that season yet , so just catch us on next week . Secondly , this is gonna be very mature content all right .
And so we believe that sex is holy , sex is pure , sex is godly when it's done inside of the right context . Sex was God's idea between husband and wife , for three different reasons . Number one is for procreation , or to have to multiply and to be fruitful and replenish the earth .
Number two was for enjoyment between husband and wife and also for intimacy between husband and wife and for those things we need to invest into our sex lives with each other and kind of get better , all right . And so , lastly , we're going to do our best to really , today , help people not have a sexless marriage .
I don't know , I've been pastoring now for 17 years , going on 20 years in ministry , and I realized that there are many people who are married that are not happy in their sex life . They're not happy in the bedroom , and we just wanna make Christian married sex great again .
And so we're Ken and Tappethan and we're your friends and we're ready to get busy with some barbecue . Baby , are you ready for ?
this Did you just quote . Who is it ? Jazzy Jeff , yes , I did . All right From the Fresh Prince .
And so , sweetie , I wanna hear from you today . I think there's something that God's given you like a download on this .
Many times when we do a podcast , I kinda create a lot of the content and because I know you so well after this many years of marriage , I can kinda come in and just get Out of you what I know the Holy Spirit has put in there , so I can kind of come up with an outline and then ask you questions and just kind of play off what you're saying and just
allow the Holy Spirit to be able to minister to people wherever they are . All right . But this time I texted and I said , hey , was there any podcast that was on your heart ? And this was your selection . So , ladies , y'all leave me alone , because this was Tabitha's doing . But she is Tabitha , she's your friend and she wants to help somebody today .
What was on your heart about this ? Or why ?
You know , I feel like , when it comes to sex and marriage , that a lot of the wives , a lot of wives , are being just getting the short end of the stick .
I think that there's a lot of beliefs out there and misunderstandings that we just embrace and we haven't renewed our mind according to the word of God when it comes to our lives , our marriages , our sex and our bodies .
And so I really feel , like you know , just as a wife and you know , we've been married for almost 25 years now and there are things that I've thought you know , so these are my . You know , things that I had to overcome too , like you know how often I want to have sex , or like the thought that men want to have sex more than women .
Well , maybe they do , or maybe sex is more enjoyable to men . Well , you know , that's not necessarily true .
I've learned that , you know , sex is enjoyable for me too , and I found that and have found over the years that , you know , a lot of women don't enjoy sex , for whatever reasons , but they are reasons that they're reasons that we're able to overcome , and I think a lot of us have been deceived , you know , by the enemy which is an attack on our marriage , that
we can't have great sex lives , that you know well , this is my body and I just don't feel like it and you know I just don't , you know , want to do this right now and it's just like , oh my gosh . But your life can be so much better if you understood this , that your marriage could be so much better .
The intimacy between you and your husband could be so much better if you understood the importance of your sex life .
So good , so good . I mean you said so much there .
¶ Overcoming Challenges in Sex Life
I mean I think that there are some people that might have a medical condition , and that's something else I mean for some of you all . Yes , you're going to need counseling . Okay go get counseling . Some of you all need to go to a doctor , but even those things , if you really study it out , those things are still things that you can overcome .
Absolutely .
Or at least move the needle . So if it's erectile dysfunction , you might need some testosterone shots , bullets , whatever you can take to help you out . Whether it be premature ejaculation , there are techniques that you can use to be able to last longer . Whether it be vaginal dryness , there are things that you can do to help with that .
We use coconut oil and it helps pretty , pretty good because that's been an area of us . for us lately , after menopause , it's been just a challenge to overcome and work through . So we are not going to be here to minimize anybody's pain , but I feel like people use those things to just have a sucky sex life and just say there's nothing I can do .
One truth is is that there are some things you can do .
It's a very , very intimate area . It's very personable . You're very vulnerable in this area and so it can be difficult and it's easier just to be like well , I'm tired of trying , you know . But with anything in life , you know , I think God is able to heal anything .
He can heal cancer , he can heal whatever's going on in our sex lives , and there's modern medicine . There are things that we can do , like you said . But you know me myself I was depressed for 12 years of my life . For three of those three or four of those , it was while we were married and our sex life suffered because of it .
And I was able to overcome depression and , you know , get you know , overcome those obstacles in our sex life . I was sexually abused when I was a child , those that became an obstacle to a great sex life in our marriage , and I had to go to counseling . I had to overcome those obstacles .
It was hard and I cried and it hurt , but I was able to overcome and I'm so glad I did , because our marriage is so much better , because our sex life is better and our intimacy is better .
So , yes , there are natural things , there's physical things , there's emotional things , but I believe that we serve a God in which all things are possible , and if you can't believe , I believe that it can happen for you .
Yeah there's absolutely nothing too hard for the Lord . I guess this first part . We want to put a fight back in your spirit because I think so many people are settling for not God's best , and so you got to come out . You know you are more than a conqueror through Christ's two strengthens .
You got to come out fighting and swinging , do whatever you got to do , because we just believe that your best days are still out in front of you . You know , for the average person it's really not erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation and those medical things that I talked about . For many people they tie it .
They ain't having good sex because they tie it . They just they don't know what to do when they're not in the mood . And we're going to get to that in a little bit what to do when you're not in the mood . You got to stick around for this and hear this revelation , but I think for many people it's not that stuff isn't functioning .
They're giving their best to their job , they're giving their best to their kids , they're giving their best , and then they're sleeping in different rooms or , once falling asleep on the couch , they go to bed at different times . I'm talking just about some , some just natural things . They don't touch each other throughout the day .
So how you going to get some at night and you ain't even been touching me at all throughout the day . There's just some real things that you have to be very intentional with our sex life , absolutely . So let's just start there . How is our sex life on a scale of one to 10 ? I'm currently ? I'm sure this fluctuates , but where we currently ?
Do you feel like ?
I mean , I like to say it's a 10 . I usually don't give 10s to things because there's always room for improvement . So let's say a nine , I mean . But you know , and we just came off of a time where I just went through surgery and I had a week of just like I'm in pain please don't touch me , you know so but it was still , you know , the pain's over .
I took some painkillers and we're back on track again . So I think a nine .
So you would say a nine . Why else would you say that ?
I would say because I don't know , I just make an effort to be .
¶ Understanding Sexual Intimacy in Marriage
I think at this point in our marriage , even if we do kind of like I don't know , go a few days and maybe we're not intimate , you know , or whatever . I think we know each other to the point to like I can be like hey , you know , meet me in the bedroom at 12 o'clock .
You know what I mean Like it's going down right now , like I think we just know each other enough and are open with our set , with each other enough that we can just like , especially like in this time I , you know , a week went by , I'm sore , you know , I had this surgery and I was feeling like you know , just irritated .
I felt like you were irritated with me a couple of times and I was irritated with you a couple of times . But I knew in my mind I was like we just really need some intimacy right now .
You know what I mean , like I knew that , and so I know that sometimes , when we're getting on each other's nerves and maybe we're just like I don't know , just like not in sync with one another , usually I'm going to say like a hundred percent of the time it's because we've gotten off rhythm in our sex life and as soon as we get back on pace , hey , you
can do whatever you want to do , I don't care roll your eyes and be rude or whatever , but because we have that intimacy , it's just like whatever babe .
Wow , I'm writing that down because I didn't know what you would say . I mean , of course , we didn't talk about this .
You're taking notes One to 10 .
Well , you said a nine and I didn't think you ranked that high , so I feel good about that .
Why did you think that it wasn't that high ?
We've been through a lot .
You're very short . I've learned like when you're very short span , when it comes to like , when you're thinking of things . So , like I know , like the last week to you seems like two years . You know what I mean . It was a week , it was seven days , you know what I mean . And you feel like , oh my gosh , a week . This week was terrible .
I feel like that is , that is so . That is not what I'm thinking about at all . I'm not thinking about that at all because even when you said that about this week , I don't remember feeling like you was getting on my nerves this week or like that .
So you're projecting your face said that I was getting on your nerves . Well , you're projecting what you feel on me and I don't appreciate it . As your wife of 25 years , I know that I got on your nerves .
I don't know about that one , but okay . But anyway , what I do want to talk about that the getting on each other's nerves after not having sex . Do you think there's something to that , absolutely Meaning that if you don't have intimacy , like I think , you can be single ?
right .
And not having sex , and there's an amazing grace that you have , meaning that you're not walking around like on eggshells because you're not in that season , and so his grace is sufficient for that season . But when you're married and you're not having sex , oh man , I want to slap a bear in the face , that's crazy . Do you know how frustrating that is ?
I don't . Is that a ?
man thing or a woman thing , like if I'm married and I can't have sex with my wife that is torture .
I think it's both . I think it's more of a man thing with your testosterone and all of that stuff . It's a sexual energy . There's a lot of energy that you have that needs to be released and I think for a husband and a wife there's sexual energy and it can become sexual tension .
That tension is good because it draws us to each other , but it becomes bad when we're not doing anything about it and you have all of this pent up just all of this energy . I know , throughout the years of being married to you , it's just like , oh my gosh , if it goes too long , I'm like you will not like my husband .
We need to go on vacation so you can let all this energy out .
Can you tell me what you think about this ? I feel like there are women who hear that about men and they almost judge him as an animal or something Like oh so you can't go three days , you can't go five days , you can't go two weeks without feeling like you're gonna explode .
And I almost feel like there are some women , not all but , some women who hear that from the wrong perspective , like he's some kind of animal and men need this and men need that . No , I think we both need sex and we both need intimacy Absolutely Like that with each other , the person that we're in covenant with .
I think that's part of the glue that holds this whole thing together .
Am I wrong ? No , no , you're right , and I have that mentality too not necessarily , but it's what I heard . It was what I came up with , that , like all men are dogs and men , they just have to . They want one woman after another woman after another woman because they have the sex drive .
It's almost like we can't control ourselves . They can't be satisfied . No , that ain't it , and yeah , that's not it . That's not it . Like this is what we get to celebrate we get to enjoy each other , right , yeah .
So I think that it's just recognizing and honoring how God made a man .
Okay , talk about that .
It's how it's your body , it's your makeup , it's your hormonal , it's your energy , it's all of that stuff . And so , yeah , you do have a sexual energy , you do have an appetite , but a woman does too .
I was gonna say , I would think that you would too .
This is why I really wanted to talk about .
What I really wanted to talk about in this podcast is because I think , as women , we have been either taught to not recognize our own sexuality , not recognize our own sexual appetite , because for me personally , it was almost like it was okay for a man to have a sexual appetite but it wasn't okay for the woman Because we would seem crazy and like we just I
don't know . But anyway , there is a sexual appetite and sexual energy that a woman has . Okay , and it's got that that a woman has and it is okay , it is godly . And I think that sometimes we can feel like , no , we don't wanna do this , I don't feel like it . And he always wants to have sex .
My husband always wants this and it's just like okay , but okay , take a second , because have you taken a minute to recognize your own sexuality and your own sexual appetite and your own like okay , god , you gave sex to the married couple . I know it's for our pleasure , it's for us to enjoy . I'm not enjoying this as much as he is .
Lord , what is going on with me ? Show me how I can enjoy this more . I personally want to be whenever you wanna have sex . I wanna have sex , you know , whenever . I never wanna tell you no , I don't wanna have sex right now .
Because let me tell you because there are times when I want to have sex and I don't want you to tell me , no , I don't wanna be like , oh man , I just and have all of this sexual energy and just gotta go read a book or pray or do something with it , you know , and be like , okay , let me go take a shower or whatever . No , I have a husband .
I wanna go to my husband , whether it's whatever time of the day .
I want him to stop what he's doing , not being unreasonable , you know what I'm saying but I want to partake in that type of intimacy with my husband and I think a lot of women are being robbed of this pleasure , robbed of this privilege , you know , to be able to have their own sexual needs , you know , satisfied .
And why do you think that is ?
I don't . I think honestly from me . I didn't realize that I had sexual needs , I didn't realize that I had this privilege of you know , of like sexual gratification and all of that . I just think . And also , as women , you know we get burdened down , you know , with life and you gotta look at it also .
You know as the enemies attack on our marriage and you know who we are and like as women . You know , we have a monthly cycle . After a monthly cycle , we go through menopause . All of these things interfere with our emotions , our hormones , and they interfere with our sex life if we let them .
Now , what I've learned through years of having a cycle is that I can adjust you know what I mean to these cycles , and now that I'm in menopause , I can adjust , you know so , whether that means more lubrication , whether that means I take this vitamin or that vitamin . Some women take hormones , you know .
Whatever that thing is , I am going to adjust so that I am not robbed of this intimacy in my marriage . I think that a lot of marriages do fail simply because people get you know . You read the divorce documents and it'll say what is the reason for your divorce ? Or irreconcilable differences ? I think probably 100% .
I'm just gonna go out on the limb and say 100% of irreconcilable differences can be squashed if you had a healthy sex life .
Yeah , out of divorces , which is a 50% right , studies show that 50% of that 50% is because of sexual stuff . Sexual needs are not being met .
Wow .
And there's sexual frustration . So I think what I'm hearing you say is that a lot of this is your faith walk . You know I'm 45 , you're 48 right now .
I am . I just turned 40 , I forgot how old I am .
I have noticed I don't know if it's because what we've been through with overcoming cancer and menopause and different things I can notice that if I don't stay on top of my sex life , I can almost come into a rut as well . As a man tour is like well , I'm too tired for that tonight , I'm just gonna watch Sports Center . It's too cold in here .
I mean , there's so many excuses that you can come up with . So it's not just a woman thing , it's a can we age well together thing , Can we keep the fire burning thing , Can we grow together in this area ? And it's something that really can take intentionality for both , because I can notice a dip , I'm not gonna have a bad sex life .
Let me be intentional about this , and I've actually noticed myself being very intentional lately especially . You know we do all this podcast stuff and we helping everybody else in their sex life , and then you get in your head about stuff like oh my God , like well , have I done this or have I done that ?
And so a lot of people don't understand the cost behind doing this is almost like then you're attacked with the very same thing that you're helping other people with . So it makes me go back to school . But I'm happy to hear you say it's at a nine .
Yeah , definitely . Here's what I wanna say too about sex is that we can let it go downhill because we don't recognize that it is a necessity , like it is a we have to prioritize sex .
So in you know a lot of people who are successful , a lot of people don't take vacations , they don't take a Sabbath because they feel like , oh well , I'm just doing this , it'll be okay , I'm the diddass , not important , but no , you will burn out .
You need to take a Sabbath , you need to take vacations , you need to feedback into yourself , and I think that sex in marriage sometimes we will put it to the side like that oh , that's just the icing on the cake . We don't need to do that .
No , you need to be intimate . You need to get you something tonight .
Yes , we need to recognize that it's important .
Yeah , so I think there was some interesting things about your mindset , and I know that you , man , you help so many women around the world , but I think your mindset is crazy . So can you just tell me how do you view sex with me ? How do you view sex with your husband ?
Is there a perspective that you have towards it , a view that you have towards it that could help other women ?
I don't , I'm not sure the question . I don't know what you mean .
I don't know just how do you view sex ? Is it like here we go or like oh ? That's nasty , or oh , he just wants like , how do you view it ? Like , what's your view of this ?
thing I view it as and I think I've worked over the years to view it like this intentionally , like this didn't happen by accident , but I view it as something that is like the greatest thing that we get to do together , like it is I , you know , it's like going out for a nice dinner , it's just like I want
¶ Importance of Intimacy in Marriage
. This is the greatest thing that we get to do together .
This is the climax , this is it Every day . No pun intended .
In the earth . There's nothing , there's no greater pleasure , you know like physically . You know you can say , oh , but I love my kids and they give me great pleasure . No , I'm talking about physical pleasure . There's nothing else in earth that can make us feel this way Like no lie , no lie .
There's some days where I'm like man , we could do it or not do it , it's okay if you get some sleep . But then , when we do it , don't we be in the middle of ? Doing it and be like man , this is a good idea . We don't know who came up with this idea , but this was a good one .
I'm glad we didn't go to sleep without this right here , Like doesn't it make like your whole world ? Don't we do that all the time ?
It's like what were we waiting for ? What were we waiting ?
for you were gonna go to sleep without this , right here .
That's what I'm saying . That's why it's so important . It's just like you forget . It's like the blindfolds are removed . You're like oh this is the man I stood at the altar with 25 years ago .
Oh , this is and it's just I can't explain it , it just is what it is . I'm not having sex tonight was an idiot . Put them on the idiot bus .
No , but I view . So that's how I view sex . It's like so important . I view it as that one thing . I can't do that with anyone else in this world and I think that even in we are . I'm 48 years old now . I'm not 24 years old anymore . I'm not 28 years old . My body looks different . I've had three kids . You know you look different .
You know what I mean , but I look at your body and I look at my body . I treasure it , like I'm the only one . This is the body that I get to see . This is my work of art . I treasure it , I love it . I consider it a privilege and an honor . It's like I'm always telling myself those things , even like when you get dressed .
No , I mean , I just in my mind intentionally .
I'm thinking I love having that outfit . Ladies , are you getting this ? I might not even say it to you .
But , ladies , I would be like I love him in that outfit . Check out , check out his art , check out his .
He looks so good right now , that's maturity , because in maturity would be like oh , you're wearing the same thing . Look at , you used to be this , but now you're this size , and that's easy to go negative on people . So , anyway , this is what I want our audience to know . Number one is that you're not alone .
Sex rhythms and differences are something that every couple has to work through okay , and so some of the most challenging things that we've been through was breast cancer . So you had a double mastectomy so your body has changed . Then you had a hysterectomy so you don't have monthly cycles any longer . That put you into menopause .
So hormonally you're off and all kinds of things . You have hot flashes . So the challenges that we have in our sex life right now would be like it's freezing cold , it's freezing cold , the house is cold .
The house is cold because you have hot flashes if it's at a certain temperature , but when it's so cold it's almost like man , I'm getting up under these covers and I'm not letting one part of my body outside of these covers . That's just a challenge .
We moved into a new house and over the last year or so and one of our kids' rooms is next to our room Our other houses our bedroom was like downstairs and the kids were upstairs , and now our new house you can hear sound throughout the hallway .
It's just like if you're out in the hallway , we're like , oh my God , you can hear that out here , and so that's another challenge . And so we have body parts that are changing . We're aging , the house is cold , hot flashes , kids are there .
We have more on our plate now than we ever have , so it's easy to come and be like Calgon take me away , I'm doing a hot bubble bath ? Leave me alone . But even in the midst of all of those things , we still have to find the rhythm that works for us in the season .
Okay , it's too cold . Let's address the . How many times have we adjusted the thermometer , just trying to the thermostat , just trying to get it to be some type of warm in ?
the house .
You know , let's turn on some sound , let's turn on some music , so that you know the whole house doesn't hear what's going on up in the bedroom . So we're constantly adjusting , we don't allow those things to just set the tone for our sex life .
Very true , but I think those things are normal and that's what I want to do . I want to normalize it . Number two , I would also say a sexless marriage doesn't have to be a forever thing . Most of the time , there are bad habits that you've fallen into . That's a habit If you let it be too cold too long . That's a bad habit .
If you like , we're looking for a new house right now .
We got to go . We need a whole wing .
that is ours , we will literally move because of sex . We will literally change our address and go buy one of another house .
This is not working out If you want your husband to come into agreement to buy a new house .
Just Say we can't have good sex here .
Say you need more freedom in your sex life , you need more space .
Say what are you looking for in a house ? Are you looking for a pool ? Are you looking for a gourmet kitchen ? No , I'm looking for a bedroom where sex can be had freely , without disturbances . That's the number one thing . Put that on the MLS system . So anyway .
Number three I want people to know that God wants us to have great sex lives and that he will actually help us have those because he created sex . So the Bible has something to say about this . Listen to this . What do you get out of this ? 1 Corinthians 7 , 1-5, . Listen to this . It says now for the matter that you wrote about , paul is speaking .
It's good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman , but since sexual immorality is occurring , each man should have sexual relations with his own wife and each woman with her own husband . The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband .
The wife does not have authority over her own body , but she yields it to her husband . In the same way , the husband does not have authority over his own body , but he yields it to his wife . Do not deprive each other , except perhaps by mutual consent , for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer .
Yes .
That is loaded y'all with a lot of different ways we can go . What jumps out to you .
I just think that it's great . Do not deprive each other that would jump out . Do not deprive each other that my body is yours , your body is mine . Isn't that exciting , though ?
But what if I'm ?
tired . You better do the word the word says except for times of fasting and praying do not deprive each other . But do not deprive each other .
But what if it feels like it's just all about him or all about her and it's not about ?
But do not deprive each other .
It's as simple as that .
It is .
You know , I heard one lady on our podcast we talk sex , gods way , y'all can look at that a while ago and I think she put in the comments or somewhere like so what are you telling me to do ? I'm just supposed to open up my legs for him any time he wants it , yikes .
Well , that's probably why your marriage is jacked up , if that's your tone to what we're saying , because that's not the spirit behind what we're saying . Listen closely See . There are a lot of people . When the scripture says , don't deny yourself , you hear it through your sexual trauma , you hear it through the advantages that's been taken over .
You've been taken advantage of . You hear it like no , this is something that you get to keep locked and nobody can have access to it unless you want it . You are hearing it wrong . So the first thing we have to do is get your hearing transformed and let everyone who has an ear to hear .
So when the Bible tells me , don't deprive my wife , I am not hearing . Okay , she gets to take advantage of me anytime she wants , or I get to take advantage of her . What I'm hearing is I now have a responsibility to kind of allow her . If she has sexual needs .
I'm going to submit to meet her needs out of selflessness , out of agape love , out of submission . Because we serve one another Out of submission out of honor , and so now her needs become greater than my needs . So if you're that woman that says no , I'm not just going to open up my legs for anybody . Okay , are you honoring him ? Are you serving him ?
Are you submitting him ? Do you have agape love ? Because if you do , then that would not be something you have to do , it would be something that you get to do . Does that make sense ?
Yeah , that's definitely has trauma hurt , pain you know , written all over it . And so when we get married , when the two become one , that you know I am bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh . The two have become one .
When we get married , I am his wife , I am his bride , I am a crown to his head , I am his good thing , I am a gift for him to treasure , and so never would he come to me as something that I have to .
I never have to run from him , you know , I never have to protect myself from him , because he is my covering , he protects me , he brings me safety , so I'm always open to him . That's the context in which , you know , this is coming from .
So it's never a running from , but it's always an open to . So much here , baby . So much here
¶ Marital Duty and Intimacy Conversations
. I'll give you what we learned from this scripture . Are you guys ready for this ? If you're in the comments , are you ready ? Number one what I learned from 1 Corinthians 7 , 1 through 5 is that married people have what the Bible calls marital duty . This is a part of our requirements , our job description , our expectation .
The Bible says marital duty and even though it's a duty , we can't approach it like it's a duty . We can't approach it like this is what I have to do . We have to approach it from the posture of this is what I get to do , but it's still a marital duty . Can you talk to that ?
Yeah , I think it's just a lot more of what we already said . Just this is I don't know . It is a duty , but it's all you know , it's a privilege .
Yeah , and it's okay Say this is my job . These are the duties that I do . This is what I do at work . These are the duties as a wife . This is what I do .
This is what this is my job description .
This is what I do , your job description . I might as well do it with a smile on my face .
Including to love him , to honor him , to respect him and to have sex with him .
Come on , that's what we get to do . Let's go . Show is open .
It is not hard , I mean , but the thing is in the way . Why I wanted to talk about this again is because we have been deceived . The deception is is that this is what we have to do and we have to have sex , and I don't feel like it . It's a bad thing . It is not a bad thing . It is the best thing you can do in your day .
We're going to help you . We're going to help you . This is , we're renewing minds . Number two what do we learn from 1 Corinthians 7 ? In marriage , we give the authority of our bodies over to our spouse . So it says that the man doesn't have authority over his body , but you got the authority over my body and that you don't have the authority over your body .
You've given that authority over to me , I would say . And so this is once again the spirit behind it is because I am here to serve your needs . I am here to honor you with whatever you need and vice versa . Anything jumps out to you about the authority .
I love that authority and again it comes . What jumps out to me is that , women , we have to renew our minds according to the word of God , because in , you know , in the world , before we get married , you know , especially if we have had sex before marriage , we've been in .
You know date rape situations and situations where the guy can't , you know that he , he can advance . You know , just say no . You know when she says no , it's done or whatever , and kind of we , kind of we get indoctrinated into this and I think all of that's good . But once you get married , there's no , just say no .
There's no , he's not the enemy , he's not our date , he's our husband . You know what I mean . There's a . It's renewing our mind .
Yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , we , we , we , we , we , we , stepping on some toes , but it's good , Get them toes out the way . Number three this is what I learned from first Corinthians seven . This principle applies to both husbands and wives . So for those of you , I was like , well , this is well .
Maybe there's a wife out there who wants to have sex and a husband doesn't no doubt . Yeah , we hear that as well , and this is it's . This principle applies to both . There's an expectation that both husband and wives will meet each other's needs and in this place of intimacy Okay , number four we all need to learn how to yield .
So the in the scripture it says this that the wife doesn't have authority over her body but yields to her husband .
Okay , yield is kind of like when you're going through a yellow light , you know there's a , there's a light red and yellow and you kind of are cautious or you yield you just so when it comes to sex and the marriage , I'm always yielded Well do you want to have it tonight ? What do you need tonight ? You're , you're yielding .
And I think there's something about yielding to one another . What is your needs ?
Well , being sensitive to one another . We are being aware , you know . So we're saying all of this stuff . Yes , you know , I want you to have sex when you , you know , like all of this stuff . But at the same time , we're not dummy . So you know , we're not insensitive . We deeply love one another and are passionate toward one another .
So I'm like , yes , you know , I've been waiting to do this all day . But if I come in and I see you holding your stomach and you look like you don't feel good , well , yes , it's done . Okay , baby , you need some Tylenol . Like , what can I do to serve you ? What can I do to help you ? So we're not like idiots .
But you know , we're yielded to one another , we're sensitive toward one another .
Yeah , number five would be don't deprive each other except for prayer . This is all coming out of 1 Corinthians 7 . And there's a lot of people depriving each other , but they ain't got nothing to do with prayer . It says . And then it says even if you deprive each other for prayer , it has to be mutual consent .
So if you're like , hey , can I want to spend some time with the Lord and I just would like to take seven days and I'm like , no , I'm not feeling that . Well then , that's off the table . Yeah , cause it says mutual consent , and we've never done that before . We've been married for 25 years .
We've never put sex on the table on the altar for prayer before .
I've just never been led to do that .
I don't know who I did that was because I've noticed that I can pray but still have great sex . I think it depends on how you look at sex . Like , is that getting away of my prayer life ? No , it's not . It's actually helping my prayer life lower . So watch this and then if you read the pro's text .
Then it goes on and says that this is not a command , but I give this by concession and I think it's applying to that part right there . Yeah , that when it comes to because there's some people and I've met people it's like oh , we're in 21 days of prayer and fasting .
I haven't had sex with my wife , because we're I'm like really , Like that is not a command . Now , if you're led to both do that with mutual consent , you go at it . But please don't project that on me . I ain't got nothing to do with that . Now , if the Lord , if he wants me to do it , lord , I'm open . But not that much Now . I'm just playing .
So , anyway , anything else jump out to you from that . So I think there's a lot there . Oh God , I don't even know what to do here . I don't know what to do here .
I think what we should do and we've never done this in the history of our show , because I think it was so rich that we got to do a part two to this that we're gonna have to stop right here , okay , cause I got seven keys to saving a sexless marriage that I have to get to you , but you're gonna have to join us next week .
You're gonna have to join us next week . If you enjoyed today , and even if you have questions or comments , use the comment box right now . Okay , share this with other people , because we need to make an investment into our sex lives .
If married people and I think you come back next week , and I don't know if we'll call it part two or just seven keys to saving a sexless marriage sounds- good , but it'll be coming out next Thursday at 3 pm and we hope you'll be standing waiting just like you would for donuts outside Krispy Kreme . Hey , we love you guys . We're out of time for today .
We pray that you enjoyed this podcast . You have not heard this by an accident . We believe it's been the doing of the Lord . Okay , if you enjoyed the content today , please let us know . We love your reviews . We love your comments . They really encourage us .
Pray for me , pray for our marriage , pray for our family that we can continue to empower marriages around the world . Two great things that are happening that we got going on right now is the Better Marriage Bootcamp .
If you wanna make an investment in your marriage your spouse might not even wanna go through it with you , but even if you wanna be the hero in the home , we've given you 90 days of material , 12 segments to help you have a better marriage . If you wanna invest , we're gonna invest in you .
If you want more information about that , jump over to our website or the link that is in the show notes
¶ 25th Anniversary Fundraising Gala and Renewal
. Number two we're celebrating 25 years of marriage and we're doing a 25th anniversary Val Renewal and Gala . It's gonna be a fundraising gala where all of the proceeds go to help people overcome cancer . We're gonna have a book release we can get it done in time and we're gonna have a party . There's gonna be a great date night .
For more information about that , jump over to our website as well . And hey , we're gonna join you next week . We're gonna jump back into the sex topic . Is that good for you ? I know that it is . Just remember this when you get better , the marriage gets better . We'll see you soon , peace .