¶ Why I Fight For Our Covenant
My pastor used to say it like this before you make a decision . Consider the end and I've already considered the end of me stepping out on my wife . I lose the credibility of my entire podcast , all of my church , my kids don't trust me . I lose my best friend , my relationship with God is diminished and then I don't get there .
I could start over and I thank God for rebounds and some of you all in a second and third relationship . I thank God that and I thank God for rebounds and some of you all in a second and third relationship . I thank God that God is a God of a new beginnings . But I don't get 60 years together . I don't get 50 years together . I don't get the history .
I don't get that I get . I get child support , a little bit of alimony . I get all these different things . That's not the harvest that God ever intended for us . So to me , I'm going to war for our covenant and I'm going to fight for our covenant and I don't really care honestly and I need men to hear that I don't care .
What she asked me to do , I'm going to do . If there is a woman in my life that she don't think that's healthy in my life , that woman will get removed . If it's an employee , they will get put to another supervisor . I don't care if it's a friend , they will be disconnected . Listen , I'm going to do everything that I can to make sure that she understands .
She's the most important person in this world to me .
¶ Introducing Affair-Proofing Your Marriage
Hey , welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha so pumped to have you guys with us today . We got a great one for you today . Today's episode is entitled Affair Proofing your Marriage what Every Couple Needs to Know . I'm glad you're here . She's glad you're here . You're going to be glad that you're here . And here's the deal .
We've been married for 25 years , and just because we've been married 25 years doesn't make it easy . There's been tons of temptations , principles , parameters . We've been up , we've been down , almost divorced . Now we're best friends and we've learned a thing or two about making sure that we have longevity .
And I just feel like there's some married couples out there that you need this . You need these tools up front , these parameters up front . You really do , and so are you glad we're still together , baby , what's up ?
What I mean .
yes , so a fair proofing our marriage . How important is that to you , I know it's very important . I don't know , just .
I mean , I think it's good . I like the word a fair proof . It's something that makes you think you know . It's not something that you hear every single day . I think there's a lot of things that we do in life it's not something that you hear every single day . I think there's a lot of things that we do in life .
We childproof things that keep our kids from getting hurt . We put locks on our doors . We have security systems in our home . We do a lot of things to safety-proof our lives and I think this term you know how . To what did we say ? A ?
fair proof your marriage .
Yeah , a fair proofing . For some reason that off my tongue , but I think it's good . It's something to think about .
It's the number one thing that will destroy your relationship . I believe you know you have the three A's , which is abuse , adultery and abandonment . Probably the most popular one out of that would be an affair .
For those people who are believers , the Bible has very strong language as it relates to the context in which we have sex , how it's holy , how it can be unholy , how it's godly , how it's ungodly . But I think that today is more of like I like what you're talking about . There's like parameters , there's certain things that you need .
I think the wrong perspective to have is that I'm good , we good , we love each other and not realize that you have a flesh and I have a flesh and the flesh , unchecked , will always go back to sin and no matter how holy you think you are , how in love you happen to be , if you're just going through life without parameters , checks and balances , you can mess
things up . You can make a mistake , you can fall into sin , so I don't know . My angle towards life is always that I know me and I know what kind of sinner I can be , or who I used to be before . I've renewed my mind and given my heart to Jesus , and if I take my foot off the gas at all , I could easily go back .
And so , because I'm truthful with me , I'm like give me parameters .
I think so too . It's easy to think like , oh , that's not me , that's not how I am , I would never do that to God , I'd never do that to my spouse , I'd never do that to my children , so I would never do anything like that .
But then it's like I look at people who I mean I know , people who are good people , good fathers , good husbands , good wives , good mothers , and they have fallen into the trap of adultery . And they have fallen into the trap of adultery , you know .
They just Well , let's stop right there . Why do you think that is ? What are the common reasons that come to your ?
mind . One of them
¶ The Reality of Good People Making Mistakes
is what I was saying is that you think that that's not for me .
That's just not me , I can never mess up , I can't mess up . So you actually think a little bit higher of yourself .
Yeah , you think that's just for sinners , that's just for people who don't have their lives together , that's just for bad people . Okay , but good people do bad things . Just good people make dumb decisions , decisions good people make mistakes . So that's number one . Okay , um , what else I would say ?
A number two would be that we don't live our lives with any safety rails . We don't have parameters , we don't have set things that we will do or will not do to prevent ourselves from getting in that situation .
So , for example , like you know , male or female friends , I don't have men male friends , you know , outside of you , I mean outside of you and I going out on date night together , you know like , and then we have other couples . Yeah , my male friends are other people , my friends , my best friends , husbands you know what I ?
mean so anyway , that's a parameter .
Okay .
Um , who you hang out with in the workplace . You know um parameters what you watch , what you let into your heart , what you let your eyes see , what you listen to , the type of music that you listen to Are you feeding yourself adulterous music that is putting seeds in your heart to where you will produce a harvest ?
So I think this is a lifestyle Right harvest , so I think this is a lifestyle Right . So , when we get married . And let's talk about it in the Christian context . Now , I personally believe that marriage is God's idea and so , because it's God's idea , you got to look to God to determine what's good and what's not good in marriage .
So if you look to God , he'll give you specific guidelines in the word and it will say that sex is holy and it's good when it's enjoyed inside of the context of a marriage a married man and a married woman . Now we've done podcasts for days about matter of fact . Have you noticed my hat ?
Have you noticed my hat ? I noticed your hat . Do you like my hat ? Yes , it's nice . Have you all noticed my hat ? It's very appropriate for you .
Yes , thank you so much . We were doing a marriage conference in Texas and there was three services , and by the third service I always make this joke about making married sex great again or making Christian sex great again . Somebody had went home in between services and created me this hat .
It was like a 12-hour turnaround 12-hour turnaround .
I want to give a shout out to that man in Texas who did that . We got to get some of these for everybody . Absolutely I actually would probably change it to say make married sex great again . But , anyway , I'm rocking it right now . I hope you like it . But anyway , what was I talking about ? You made me think about my hat .
I forget now because I was trying to think of the guy and his name and the business and all that . It just took me someplace else .
We were talking , oh we were talking about the context of sex . So the scripture all right . So sex has a few things . God gave us sex for procreation , so we could be fruitful and multiply . He gave it to us for enjoyment between husband and wife . We can see in the songs of Solomon this was something that was enjoyable .
And he also gave it to us for intimacy between husband and wife . You know , he could have gave it to us and we didn't enjoy it and it was just like , oh , this is just something we have to do if we want to have a baby .
This is just something we have to do .
you know , I'm glad he did it the way he did it , but he just , you know , we enjoy it Come on somebody , but anyway , but outside of that context is what we call sexual immorality .
Under sexual immorality we have fornication , we have adultery , we have homosexuality , we have pornography , we have lust . We have so many different things outside . So any sex inside of the marriage context , married man , married woman it's holy , it's enjoyable , it's good , it's godly .
Outside of that context is what we call sin , and unfortunately sin damages anything that it gets its hands on . I mean anything . you want a good marriage you bring sin into it . It's going to mess it up . You want a good thought life you bring sin into it . It's going to mess it up . It's going to mess up whatever it touches .
And so , when I'm thinking about adultery and cheating and infidelity , you got to go to God's word . What does God's word say ? And God gives us the parameters that when a man and a woman say I do , the two become one and what God has brought together , let no man put asunder , and the marriage bed should be undefiled .
And so , in order to live that out , you have to have parameters and guidelines . So , when it comes to affair-proofing
¶ Marriage as God's Design With Boundaries
your marriage , this is like a class that every married person should take . Even before you get married , you should be thinking about how do I affair-proof my marriage when you've been married five years , 20 years ? How do I affair-proof my marriage ? I'm seeing people . They get into adulterous affairs after they've been married five years , 20 years .
How do I fair proof my marriage ? I'm seeing people . They get into adulterous affairs after they've been married for a long time . What happened ? They let a guard down , they let a guardrail down , they let a parameter down , they let somebody in that they shouldn't have they started to allow somebody at work to begin to touch them emotionally .
They begin to look at something on the internet , begin to lust after something they felt like there was a need that wasn't being met at home . I mean , we can go down through the list . But one thing that I love about you is that you're a very , very faithful person , and I think that when you get two people in a relationship , that's very faithful .
I feel like that's where good sex is , that's where intimacy is and longevity . But it takes work , your flesh . It's easy to say , well , we've done this . I've been with the same woman for 20 years . We do it the same way . Your flesh is always making up reasons for you to break the command of God and to live by your flesh .
But if you live by your flesh , you'll die . The relationship will die . Do you know how many celebrities used to be married to ? Somebody cheated on their spouse and now look back and say , man , I wish I had my family back again ? Wow , I can just name them that I've been watching on social media lately . It's the same thing . It's the same thing .
Yeah , I was young and dumb and I messed up with her , but now we share kids together . But if I could go back and do it right , well , I'm trying to help somebody do it right from the beginning . Back and do it right . Well , I'm trying to help somebody do it right from the beginning . And I wasn't a faithful dude always .
I never involved in intercourse , but I did other things that would lead to intercourse . So we can put it all in the realm of infidelity honestly . And the reason that I wasn't faithful in the beginning of our marriage is because I wasn't faithful enough to God yet . I wasn't faithful in my heart .
I got married really for selfish reasons , because I thought you were pretty and I wanted you on my arm and I wanted you to cook for me and be with me .
And most , people you wanted me to cook for you .
Yeah , and you came through on that one pretty good for the last quarter century .
But if you think about why people , I want my knight in shining armor A lot of the reasons that we get into these relationships is to fulfill something in us , only to figure out that marriage is death to self because now you've got to serve that other person for the rest of your life , and so I didn't know that when we first got married and I wish I had
how to affair-proof my marriage . The first two years . The first two years I've been good now for 23 years , but the first two years I'm flirting with other women , I'm taking my ring off , going out with my single friends . I'm still in situations that I shouldn't be in . I had to get myself out of some situations .
I didn't take it all the way there , but I took it much further than I would ever . I would be embarrassed for people to know how far it went . It is just wrong . Not embarrassed because I'm 23 years removed from it , and that was an old me . But what I'm saying is that doggone it . I wish I wouldn't have messed up .
I wish I would have had this stuff here and I want to help somebody .
That's so good , you know . I think another reason why people you know fall into this trap is because I don't want to say naivety , but maybe , like people are unaware , especially I don't know , I was going to say especially women , but I think men do the same thing is that they are unaware that other people will try to .
Some people are attracted to people who are in faithful relationships .
They are . You know some people . I'm a hot commodity , I am . They are . You know , some people are . I'm a hot commodity , I am . I'm a person in authority , a person who's successful , a person who has a beautiful wife . I'm a hot commodity for the plan of the enemy .
Right .
And the scripture says an adulterous woman seeks for the precious life . Come on .
That's Bible .
That's the Bible and I need to take men to the Bible , because if you look Proverbs , I think five , chapter six , seven , eight , you'll begin to see that there are certain characteristics of an adulterous woman . That's right , listen , it ain't because you balding , bro .
I want to add a man too .
You got a beer , belly bro . It ain't because you all that it's because , the devil is using that woman to come after all of your destiny and tear up your family and everything that you've worked so hard for . It's not because you're all that , it's not because you're a baller . It's because you have a target on your back and it goes for both ways .
Yeah , I want to say that it goes both ways because , um , there are men like , uh , you know , men will come up and approach you and you actually say things that , um , you know , when I was younger , men were more , um , you know , like upfront and like you know .
But now that I'm older , men can , you know , come in and just kind of and this is women as well , I mean , you know , um , but it's kind of like they can come in the form of your coworker , they can come in the form of oh , you know , pastor Ken , um , I'm having a problem , you know , with my marriage .
Oh , pastor Ken , you know my son or daughter can you pray for ?
them . Now I felt like you flipped it back on me , but I thought he was about to talk about you , like how people come to you . You flipped it back on Pastor Ken , but how ? Do men come to you , Tell us You'll be out at the grocery store and what they say hey , hey , how are you ?
Yeah , I just no beautiful smile . I don't have any examples to tell you .
And then it hits you with are you happily married ? Is that what they say ?
No , I mean , people have been bold like that in the past , but listen , I'm not the one .
You're not the one .
And that's my point . I'm not the one I will shut you down in a minute because I think it's disrespectful to me disrespectful to my husband and my children and the God that I serve .
So don't step to me like that , Like I just so your disposition is like don't talk to me .
My disposition is very kind and everything .
But I understand that when people are coming to me , even if cause you know , even if , like , oh , they're just flirting , oh well , he didn't know , you had a wedding ring on , or oh , or whatever in my heart , even though I could be kind on the outside , in my heart I have a set stance that even if it's innocent on their I don't think there's any but even
if it's seemingly the worldly innocent on their part , if you come at me , you are attacking my family , you're attacking my relationship , you're attacking my God and what I believe in . Don't do that to me .
And if you don't have a stance like that , your coworkers , your friends , that person you know that just wants you to be their prayer partner or whatever , they will come in and you think that , oh , it's just whatever . No , you have to have that stance . I think it's very important .
Do you know how many women come up to me when I'm out and about ?
I don't know , but don't tell me , because it will make me angry .
You don't want to know .
I mean probably none Listen .
Why are you angry ?
I would say none , because , well , here's me . I don't have a lot of men approach me now . I don't know , maybe I'm older now , but I carry myself in a way Like if I feel like I could sense , like oh , he's looking at me , he . No , okay , let me just . I will just put off a vibe like you know , don't mess with me .
Or somebody will come and say hi , hi , how are you today ?
I'm great , you know like , if I seen you , I would , I would try to holler at you . She's , she's mad at herself .
I feel like my blood pressure is rising .
I don't know why I'm disturbed .
But the thought of listen .
You gonna let me answer my question .
I'm having a lot of hood mentality thoughts right now . Why you gotta hate on the ladies .
I probably have at least zero women approach me over the last 20 years .
You know , maybe I put off a stance as well , Like I think you can almost tell when someone is like it's the Tabitha , anointing that you have just flowing from your Well , you can tell who's like maybe checking you out or kind of so forth and so on , and you can put off a , like , a don't come talk to me kind of thing , and I think that every married
person probably needs to have a little self-aware enough , even in the workplace . Oh yeah , Especially in the ministry , Because you know sometimes the whole the step between a spiritual father and a chick on the side can get very blurry .
If you're not a person of great integrity In a spiritual world , when people give you like they're telling you their secrets pray for me , so forth and so on . You got to be very careful
¶ Common Reasons People Have Affairs
with those lines . That's why I'm very much onto my staff Like man be with men , women be with women as much as you can . Somebody come to me I say go talk to my wife .
Yeah .
Um , I don't have time for any of that .
Yeah .
Um , yeah , but do you feel like there's a difference when it comes to cheating , um , and having an affair between , uh , as it relates to being tempted to do it , uh , between men and women ? What , like what , would be a woman's response to having an affair , or what is her ? Most women have affairs because of what , versus men have affairs because of what ?
Is there a difference there ? Is there , like this common ?
you know , honestly , I don't know . I'll give you my opinion . My opinion has been that men I've seen more men have affairs than women . Um and uh . I've seen that women are .
You know , typically women are at home or they're working , they're taking care of the kids , they're tired , they're hormonal , they have all these issues going on that they don't know how to deal with .
And there is no sex life between the husband and the wife , they're not communicating and the husband is just and kind of angry and he goes out , steps outside the marriage . He finds sexual gratification in another way . So that has been my experience . That's not all of it . Now there are , I do know , women who have cheated .
Why do you think Is there a common theme of women who cheat , of women who cheat ?
It's hard to say . In my experience women who cheat have been it has been probably men who are , uh , maybe just at a place in life where they just kind of maybe don't have a job or going from job to job , the job not aspiring to do anything . The woman feels like , oh well , he's not , um , fulfilling his manly responsibilities in the home . He don't .
He don't pay the home , he don't pay the bills , he don't take care of things . Like that has been my experience and the woman is just like , well , I'm done .
We'd love to hear from you guys Maybe just comment in real quickly what are the most common reasons that you see or have experience of why people cheat , From a man perspective , from a woman perspective ? I'd love to hear your thoughts .
And then I will say sometimes people , are crazy .
I've seen people just the woman is crazy , she just . There's no excuse . That's the most common thing that I've seen Like she's not all the way there . She's a little wild , she's a little loose , she's a little , she's just . She has some childhood trauma . She don't really love Jesus like that , yet you really can't trust her , honestly , ain't that true ?
It's weird because it's like when I think about the man I can say yeah , because it almost feels like , well , that's typically , this is what a man would do , typical . It's kind of not fair and sexist , Like , yeah , this is typical activity of a man , but then the woman , she just crazy .
It's bad on both sides .
I know it's conversation , I'm just saying like I understand it sounds crazy , but in my experience it's kind of been like that .
Well , I wrote down some of the most popular reasons here and let me see if this bears witness with any of you guys . Why do people fall into an adulterous affair ? Emotional disconnection they feel unseen , unheard and unloved . Okay , their emotional intimacy faded and now they're looking for that to be filled by somebody else . Unmet physical or sexual needs .
They feel undesired , rejected , disconnected sexually .
So their sexual frustration that's what you're talking about .
And one thing that let me just brag on you for a moment . I've seen you do everything to love me in that capacity and I think so many times we almost make it like , well , the men need this and the men need that , like the men are animals , and so the wife is just serving the man's needs . I believe that's a bunch of baloney .
I believe that you have sexual needs , I have sexual needs , and we should be meeting each other's needs , and so this isn't something that we have to do . This is something that we get to do , and I want to be able to meet your sexual needs at the same time , and I believe that those things should be enjoyment .
I think that many times we have it all wrong . But anyway , how about loneliness ? Even within the marriage , they feel alone , misunderstood , like roommates . There's a lack of laughter , shared time together . There's this distance that's come about Unresolved personal brokenness . This come about Unresolved personal brokenness . This is huge .
They're cheating because they're trying to escape pain , trauma , insecurity , addiction . This is huge . I think there's a lot of people that have not done the hard work of hard work and they have not done with their childhood abuse , abandonment and rejection , and a marriage has a way of pushing those things to the surface Revenge or retaliation .
I think sometimes you can have a spouse that steps out and then the other spouse then says well , I'm going to step out on you , and it's like an eye for an eye . The lack of boundaries , but with the opposite sex , friends or coworkers . I think many times we have these coworker friendships and a glass of wine , an inappropriate atmosphere .
One thing leads to another thing and we have to have boundaries , lack of boundaries , crisis season or a major life change , stress , grief , transition , weak in self-control and judgment loss of a parent , loss of a job , and this is why there's a lot of marriages that don't get to 30 years , 40 years , 50 years , because they don't know how to do life together .
Like when we lost my mom , it makes us get closer . When we've battled sickness and disease , it makes us get closer . Many times people begin to blame each other for certain things and Satan turns couples against each other . Immaturity or poor communication skills .
Like you have to be willing to sit down and say is there anything that I can do to meet your needs sexually and intimacy ? Ok , and vice versa , and we talk and we do things that we don't even feel like doing necessarily Temptation and opportunity . I think is another . It wasn't planned , but there was no boundaries . There was a .
There was flirting , there was secrecy there was , there was . There was no boundaries , there was flirting , there was secrecy , there was texting that turned into sexting and then it crossed the border a long time ago . I always tell people like this Nobody falls into the vagina , it has to be very intentional . You probably showered .
You had to go rent a hotel room . I mean you literally went out of your way to cheat on your spouse . I mean you literally went out of your way to cheat on your spouse .
I was telling my counselor about this because I was ministering to someone who was coming through an adulterous affair and I said I just don't understand and I was just telling him to help me help them . And he was like when you're in an adulterous excuse me when you're having adultery , when you're in an adulterous affair , your whole life is a lie .
And my counselor is 75 now and I just thought about that for a moment . He said your whole life is a lie . What's on your cell phone is a lie . What you're looking at is a lie . Who you're going to meet is a lie . Where you're going out to dinner is a lie . You're telling everybody . Your whole life is a lie .
So one of the things that we have to do is know that adultery and lying they go hand in hand , and whenever you find an adulterer you'll find a liar , and if you can commit to be more like Jesus , you won't have an adultery and you won't have no liars either . But some things happen and there's been this secrecy , there's all these steps . You showered .
You had a plan . You've been spending money on the side .
You got a secret phone . Like you didn't see any red flags , like a whole . That's why Proverbs talks about the adulterous woman , that her ways lead to death . Like , once you get involved in adultery , it's just like you get entangled in this web that you can't get out of . It's just like it's crazy . Like , don't go down that route .
And I'll give you one more reason Just selfishness . It's just selfishness , just a lack of integrity . They choose their own desires over their vows , driven by ego , entitlement , thrill-seeking , I deserve to be happy , kind of thinking . And they begin to think me instead of we . And so what's your thoughts about all of those reasons ?
Anything jump out to you like yeah , that's your thoughts about all of those reasons Anything like jump out to you Like , yeah , that's it . Or are they all like equal ?
I mean I mean , yeah , they're , they're all like . I mean lack of
¶ Practical Ways To Affair-Proof Your Marriage
boundaries . I mean we talked about that a little bit . I think that is huge . Um , immaturity or poor communication skills , like um , you know , we have to talk to each other , you know , and I don't know , I think the last one , you talked about selfishness and lack of integrity . I mean that's just man , that's a whole problem in itself .
Yeah , Today's word for today's people narcissism . You figure out , we all got a little narcissism .
We got to overcome by the blood of the lamb .
But the Bible says this in Exodus 2014, . It says you shall not commit adultery . It's not a suggestion it's a command it's actually one of the 10 commandments you shall not commit adultery . So if you are a believer you have to position yourself that I'm not going to do that .
I don't care what it looks like , what it feels like , what's going on in my relationship . That's not an option for me . Proverbs 6.32 says he who commits adultery lacks sense and he who does so he destroys himself . And I've counseled a lot of people over there .
And when we say he and she just know that the principles go vice versa regardless of your gender . But here's the principle that you will destroy yourself . You are destroying your soul , you're destroying your purpose , you're destroying even your relationship with God . It's going to be all twisted around just because of some . Can I say booty .
I mean , I don't understand . Like I want to keep it as real as I can . Like it ain't that good . It ain't that good , like what we have for 25 years . It's not like I'm going to get a woman who got four boobs . No , she's going to have two . It's not like she's got five vaginas ? No , she's going to have one . She's going to have what you have .
It's not like she's going to have a different hair . That I've never seen or different teeth . No , it's just going to be another woman . She has some weaknesses and some strengths , just like you have some weaknesses and some strengths . I just don't understand the people who are like , well , the grass is going to be greener .
On the other side , there's going to be another person and you're going to bring you into another relationship . They're going to bring them into another relationship . Forget that . I'd rather keep watering 25 years , 26 years , 30 years and this is what I want young people to know in marriage that sex gets better the longer you're married .
If you do it right , you keep hanging out with us , you keep being a part of doing Life of Ken and Tabitha . Mark my words sex gets better . Why does sex get better with time ? Because intimacy grows . Now we have history together . Now we have communion together and I think we did a podcast about vision . You got to get a vision of you being old together .
I think there's too many people , especially successful men , that they feel like after their wife has had babies stretched her body , god knows 20,000 different ways , been with them 25 years , helped them get successful . Now he want to go and get another woman . That's the age of his wife when he first . That's a mentality that's like you got to have a vision .
Like I have a vision of us being 70 years old , 80 years old , holding hands together . I see , I saw it on Instagram earlier today . There was this old couple out at the beach and the woman was this 85 years old splashing water on her husband , he running all over with his fat self . And he was just talking about get a vision of like you being .
I just saw something .
I got to get off Instagram . I just saw something I gotta get off Instagram . I just saw something on Instagram where there was a guy who was in his 90s and his wife was right there with him .
She was in a wheelchair and he was breathing his last breath and she was just there and he was just kissing her as he was dying and , um , as sobering as that is what it is .
And they said in the captions and I think it was somebody's great grandparents or grandparents they've loved each other for 60 years and this is my grandfather telling my great grandma how much he loved her on his dying breath . And they were spending these last moments together .
Now , when you really my pastor used to say it like this before you make a decision , consider the end and I've already considered the end of me stepping out on my wife . I lose the credibility of my entire podcast , all of my church , my kids , don't trust me . I lose my best friend . My relationship with God is diminished and then I don't get there .
I could start over and I thank God for rebounds and some of you all in a second and third relationship . I thank God that God is a God of a new beginnings . But I don't get 60 years together . I don't get 50 years together . I don't get the history . I don't get that . I get child support . I get a little bit of alimony .
I get all these different things . That's not the harvest that God ever intended for us . So to me , I'm going to war for our covenant and I'm going to fight for our covenant and I don't really care honestly and I need men to hear that I don't care . What she asked me to do , I'm going to do it .
If there is a woman in my life that she don't think that's healthy in my life , that woman will get removed . If it's an employee , they will get put to another supervisor . I don't care if it's a friend , they will get disconnected . Listen , I'm going to do everything that I can to make sure that she understands .
She's the most important person in this world to me and I think you do that for me as well .
Absolutely , I said a lot , anything of the husband on his dying breath kissing the wife at . You know , after 60 years of marriage , I think about what um us staying together , um does for our children and our children's children . You know , like our grandchildren , I have a vision of being on my dying bed . I have a vision of me .
You know , you , you die before me . Okay , this is my vision , my dream . Okay , so you die before me because I want to serve you all the days of your life . I want to cook you , make you your sandwich every day of your life , if that's what you want .
And so I have a vision of me being on my with my dying breath , blessing my children , laying my hands on my great grandchildren and my grandchildren and my children , and leaving a blessing in the earth for them as I go home to be with the Lord .
Yeah , that's an interesting thought . I don't even know how to process that thought . I kind of like us go together . Maybe , like Enoch , we just get translated to something We'll get swooped up in the wind together .
Maybe , like Enoch , we just get translated to something . That'd be cool . We'll get swooped up in the wind together .
I think God's going to honor you in that , though , that I'll go before you , because he kind of told me that , especially as you came back and you overcame cancer and the Lord began to show with me how beloved you are to him , and that he wants to give you the desires of your heart , and I ain't planning on going nowhere , no time soon , I mean we're
talking about much later in life . Or could it be that you just don't want another woman to have me ?
That's very true Now . That's without a shadow of a doubt .
We were watching the Cosby show the other night and Claire was asking Heathcliff . She was like what did she say ? She was like if I die , are you going ?
to marry someone else and If I die , are you ?
going to marry someone else . And they went through this whole thing . Well , if I die , are you ? And he was like . And she was like well , what if the woman looks just like me ? Would you get married ?
again he said no , he wouldn't do it .
And then he said he would if she looked just like you . And she gets mad and says I'm going to sleep .
Well , I understood , because I'm like no , I'm not going anywhere , so you don't have to think about it .
Matthew five and 27 . It says you've heard that it was said you shall not commit adultery . But I say that to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery in his heart . So before the act of adultery , the undressing , the , the all of those things , it happens in the heart .
And I was asking my counselor about this years ago , about lust , and he gave me three . There's three steps to the adultery of the heart . Number one is that you notice . That's not a problem . You notice somebody attractive , you got eyes . Okay , turn away , go somewhere else . Number two is you notice and you begin to meditate and you begin to dwell on it .
Okay , red flag , red flag . You should know something's not right here . You went in for a triple take , a quadruple take , you're meditating . But adultery of the heart is that you notice , you meditate , but then in your heart you say , if I could , I would , I would be with this person If it fell right . It's not saying that I went and we met somewhere .
It's saying but if I could , I would . It's in my heart . That's what we call adultery of the heart . So if adultery begins in the heart , faithfulness also begins in the heart . Wow . And so there's just something about a heart that is really transformed by the gospel and then a mind that has been renewed by the word . I think I'm a product of that .
I've been faithful 23 years , no pornography in 23 years , not even flirted with another woman in 23 years , and I cannot say that in the beginning , but I am the product of a transformed heart and a renewed mind , and any person who's listening can have the same .
Ephesians 5.25 , it says husbands , love your wives , as Christ loved the church and he gave himself up for her . So I can't speak on your behalf , but for me my job is to love you like Christ loved the church , and the last time I looked , christ got on a cross and he gave his life for the church .
So I can give my life for you , meaning that if I feel like you're not meeting a sexual need or a physical need for a season , I'm still dead to what I want to do . I'm going to have to figure out how to get us together , but having another woman is not an option .
It's not an option , it's not an option .
And so how to affair-proof your marriage ? Here's a few things . Number one guard your heart and guard your mind . Proverbs 4.23 says above all else , guard your heart , for everything you do flows from it . You got to pay attention to what you're giving your attention to , and that's why I don't watch R-rated movies very much at all Like you know only 1% .
Every once in a while you want to watch something . I say , okay , here , we go Halfway through it , I'm like so I told you , and then we end up turning it . I don't watch TV mature stuff . It's not because I'm a weakling , it's just that I know that what I see affects what I believe .
Right , I think that goes into .
You know , when you're talking about guarding your heart , I say guard your heart with also living a holy lifestyle , sin period , Keep that out of your life , because I think people put sin into categories like , oh , adultery , I'm never going to do that , but I might tell a lie and you just got done talking about liars and adultery and how it goes together , and
it's just like . I think that's one of the tricks of the enemy too as it comes to adultery . Is that okay ? Well , if I can get you to sin and just tell a few lies here and there , then you become a liar . Then I can get you to do this , maybe steal here and kind of do some shady stuff over there .
I'm getting you into that realm to where you have compromised your standards and when sin comes in , it is like an infectious disease . It will take over everything . So a little bit of sin you don't want , even a little bit . Live a holy lifestyle .
Number two would be invest daily in emotional intimacy . That's huge Asking each other meaningful questions , sharing your heart , truly listening . Emotional distance is many times where affairs begin Okay , and so you got to make space to kind of talk without distractions .
Absolutely , even if you have to plan it . You know daily time together . We usually , at nighttime , we have time together before we go to bed , just to talk , hang out . You know daily time together . We usually , at nighttime , we have time together before we go to bed , just to talk , hang out , you know , or whatever .
But those things are , they have to be intentional , because you're not going to do it , life happens .
You know I was noticing the other day I feeling a little bit distant from you and we just we had sex , and then I felt closer . So the opposite of it can be true too . Sometimes it's like , well , let's , you know , have sex because we've been emotionally close , or sometimes you can have sex and you will feel a little bit closer .
What I'm saying is that without sex , it's almost like you're just roommates . So our advice to you would be have sex and have a lot of it , because that is the one thing that really keeps the marriage .
I think it's just the secret sauce , Like it we need to if if your sex life is great in your marriage it's it's more than half the battle . It's like 85% of the battle , you know the other , the other , you know
¶ Keeping God at the Center
biologically .
I mean , you're releasing endorphins , there's a level of closeness , there's intimacy . Anyway , number three would be keep the sexual flame lit . I guess that's what we're talking about . First Corinthians seven three says the husband should fulfill his wife's sexual desires and the wife should fulfill her , her husband's needs . This is vice versa , right .
Number four set a strong boundary with the opposite sex . Avoid alone time , emotional venting , like I'm not going to go and vent to another woman about challenges we're having in our relationship . No , no , no Text DMs .
No , no , no , I love it .
I got so many people in my DMs I could not get away with anything . The way that I live my life , I'm telling you I don't have people flirting with me coming up to me because I have so many parameters . Yeah , you would have to go through a lot . You would be really found out real fast , right like I would be found have people with you .
Yeah , don't go a lot of places my kids got my phone , everybody I got my team , people got my stuff . You know , I just had somebody just just five minutes ago had my phone I was like what you're doing ? He's ? He's like well , I'm setting this up for you , I'm doing this all for you . I was like , man , all my passwords , I'll get those for you .
They're in the cloud somewhere . I'm like I don't even know .
You just blew somebody's mind right now .
In which way ?
They're like oh my .
Yeah , that's safe , that's safe . Yeah , anyway , number five we live with full transparency . Aha , we went right to it . There it is , there it is . I don't have any secrets . I don't have hidden phones , I don't have hidden bank accounts , I don't have hidden relationships . Right , what do you think about that ? Like just a no-hiding culture .
It , it invites accountability , you know .
Yeah , yeah , I mean .
I'll give him a few more . Surround yourself with godly and honest friends . The scripture says whoever walks with the wise will become wise . Okay , renew your mind daily with God's truth . Okay , talk about temptation before it becomes an action , you know .
I think that's something that you know people need to do more .
You know um question is can you handle ?
it . Can you handle it you ? Know , depends on how you do it yeah , and , and I would say even from the point of , like you know , there have been not a lot , but there have been a couple of times . I can remember maybe two times in our 25 years of marriage that I've come to you and been like babe , stay away from her .
She likes you , like you know , from that perspective , like hey , you know , just just trust me , she likes you and you listen to me . So those are things that you know , just communication . Do you think it's okay , like , if a husband is attracted to someone that he works with , is it okay for him to say that to his wife , if his wife can handle it ?
Yeah , I used to say yeah just tell her everything .
Some people can't handle it .
Some people can't handle it . Yeah . The reason that I would say yes as a man , because whenever I confess something , the power of it is gone .
It diminished Okay .
So if your husband's ever telling you that , hey , this person I work with you know , watch me pray for me , so forth and so on , it's not for you to be insecure , because if he wanted her he wouldn't say anything . I guess I always like ladies to know that a silent man is worse than a man that's confessing and saying stuff .
But then you do have to use wisdom , because if you're married to somebody super insecure , then she's going to be like , oh , what does that mean ? And so I don't know if I would suggest that anymore .
I mean I would suggest to the husband , like if there's somebody at work like , tell your wife come have lunch with me at my job today , and you know , I don't know .
I would say if there's somebody at work , ask to be moved , see if you can get another job depending on what the temptation is like . Now , to me , you should be able to work with the temptation . It just depends on where you are , though . I'm just trying to give real-life help . Why does that happen .
But then also that's why have someone who holds you accountable . You know you have a pastor , you have someone that you can trust with these things . Hey , there's someone at work that I feel like I'm attractive to Like your counselor .
Men need more men . Yeah , men need men .
Cause a man's going to tell you from a man's perspective , bruh , because a man's going to tell you , bruh , bruh , you know what ?
Okay , this is what you need to do about that . Yeah , and sometimes , yeah , you can tell your wife that , depending on where her maturity or handling level is , but if you got other guys around you , you know it . Just what I'm saying is that it's the temptation of it , it takes away the power of it because you confess it .
It's almost like you know how they say sin in the dark . It kind of festers yes , and tell on sin before it tells on you . Yes , the thought of telling actually diminishes it a little bit . That's just an opinion . But anyway , nine , deal with wounds and conflict quickly . Don't let the sun go down while you're angry .
I think , we do a pretty good job of that .
Yeah , I think anger just grows . It never dies out . Like it just grows .
And number 10 , of course , is make God the center of your marriage , because if you want to affair proof your marriage , you've got to put Jesus at the center .
He's the one that made this whole marriage thing up , because I believe this about marriage is that it's not just natural , this is a spiritual relationship we have and there is demons that are assigned to try to stop this holy covenant . And , if I understand that , the weapons of my warfare not carnal , they're not natural Right .
So if I'm going to be good as a husband and we're going to keep this covenant of marriage together for 20 , 30 , 40 , 50 years , we must know how to suit up with spiritual armor to win spiritual battles . And I got to keep God at the center and I think the way that I love you is because I love God .
The reason that I honor you is because I honor God and the reason that I've been faithful for 23 years is because I've been faithful to God . If you show me a man or a woman that stops being faithful to God . It will trickle over into other relationships . Keep Jesus at the center of it all .
Right , yeah , I think that's the biggest thing is just being faithful to God . Yeah , because you know , I know that you love me .
Yeah , I'm not going to sit up here , baby , I love you and be texting somebody else . God sees that . Yeah , that ain't got nothing to do with you . This has to do with me and my relationship with God . I'm not sneaking off to some hotel somewhere , meeting somebody around the corner at the Chick Fil A or , and no , god sees that I'm not looking over .
I wonder if people from my church is here . No , god is here Everywhere I go . I am not living for people , I'm living for the audience of one , and if we can really live with that God-centeredness , a lot of the other stuff that we do in the private it goes away because I'm not I don't know , I'm not churchy at all . Performance , I could care less .
If you like me or if you don't like me , I need to hear him say well done . If we can raise up people that have that kind of mentality , I believe the world would be a better place . We're out of time for today , people . I hope
¶ Closing Thoughts and Resources
you enjoyed today's episode . If you do right now , if you don't mind , would you share this episode with other married people , even if you're single ? Share it , share it , share it , share it . We believe that sharing is caring , caring is sharing .
You know God's given us a vision to help reach a million married couples and to do that we know that we need partners just like you , who are being blessed by the content . That would just get on fire and have small groups and share and comment and review and like . That's the way that we're able to reach more people .
So I want to say thank you in advance for being a part of our family . You know , our vision , of course , was to help people grow closer to God and closer to the people that God has placed in their life . And if you found value in our content , hit the subscribe button very quickly . Hit the follow button , write us an email , share your story with us .
We want to know who you are . You know there's people that write in all the time . This person here wrote in and I think their name is Rachel Ross . Thank you both for being transparent in your podcast . I've subscribed and I'm adding the tools that you all provide to my toolbox .
I'm not married yet , but we'll be in eight days , come on , and I want all healthy , thriving relationship . You are in the right place . We know that God has plans for us so that we can be used in ministry .
Marriage is daily work and we will keep God in the center of it and he'll get the glory Keep being an instrument to all of us so that we can all make a difference in other people's lives . God bless you and thank you for all you do in the marriage community . We love you I love it and we're so honored to be able to do life with you .
All right , if you're ever in Florida , come worship with us at Alive Church . For more information about our service times and locations , there's a link in the show notes . Also , we got some books . We got a new book out , guys . We got some pamphlets . We got some merch . We got boot camps and masterclasses .
All of these are tools to bring value to your life . Go over to KenandTabithacom and just kind of scroll to and see if there's anything that sticks out to you that you believe would be a blessing to you . Just know that you're not alone , tabitha and I . Our entire team is praying for you and we'll see you again next Thursday . Love you , peace .