¶ Welcome to Doing Life
Hey , welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We are so pumped that you're tuning into this podcast . It has been designed for people just like you . We wanna do life with you , share our wins , our defeats , our ups and our downs , in hopes that you'll grow closer to God and to the people that you love in your life . Sit back and enjoy today's podcast .
How often should couples have sex ? Married couples .
I think that depends on the couple . Honestly , I will say , you know , for me I personally I don't even know if you think this , but I personally keep it like an every other day thing for me , because I like to keep sex like in a rhythm . I know I don't want to go more than like two days without sex .
Me personally , in my mind , I just keep it that like I know that if I didn't have sex yesterday , if we didn't do that yesterday , well then I know today , okay , let me start to get ready . But then even like , let's say , something happens and we don't do it today , I know the next day . It's like okay , just in my mind .
You know I'm just keeping track just little in my mind that like by the third day , okay , we have to really make time to do this .
I think that's very good , and I think you just blew somebody's wig off their head .
I'm just saying that is not for everyone , but for me it's real easy for me to know .
Okay , did I have sex ?
yesterday . No , I didn't . Okay , let me go . Let me make sure I do this today , Okay listen .
So they define a sexless marriage as having sex less than 10 times a year .
That will be about one time a month .
Okay , now there's some people that's like 12 , they do it once a month and once every other week , and your answer is good , it's politically correct . Oh , we don't know . And it's true , every couple has to determine their own sex rhythms , but I feel like if you're not having sex at least once a week , you really need to talk about it .
You know what I'm saying , and so if I was to give you like straight up we're sitting in Starbucks and I'm not going to be judged and stuff like that I would tell you . You ask your spouse how often would you like to have ?
sex .
Okay , you get a number from them . If they say every day , every other day , and then I said once a week , okay , what I would do is I would try to submit to the person who's wants to do it the most or at least talk about meeting it halfway . Okay .
So if I'm at seven days and you're at every other day , I will say sweetheart , we'll house every three or four days , but these big gaps between you want to do it once a month and you want to do it every , it's killing people's marriages because they haven't submitted to not deprive each other .
And when we say it's not a duty , this is what I got to do , this is what we get to do . We're going to . You got to come to the place where you enjoy this moment .
But I don't get it , babe Cause , listen , if you said , if you said okay , how often do you want to eat chocolate cake ? Let's say , chocolate cake is like the best dessert . Just pick Chocolate cake apple pie you know , like whatever , how often do you want to eat that ?
I want to eat it three times a day .
I do . I mean like seriously seriously . So I don't get the correlation between you . Well , people are having bad sex the greatest pleasure known to mankind , the greatest physical pleasure known to man .
There are industries and billions of dollars being made on the greatest pleasure .
A lot of evil being done .
Y'all please help us out , because we don't understand . Please put it in the comments . Why would you want you know what I mean ?
And I'm challenging myself as well because , look , I mean , I could , why don't ?
we want to do it three times a day .
You know what I mean . Like we eat three times a day .
Finish , the seven day sex .
We did . We took the seven day challenge .
That's sex every day for seven days . We challenge you to do that . Yes , I was tired by day four and five and six , but I pushed through , praise God .
But it helps challenge your thinking and it helps you like you know , I don't know , I just think it's . That's my question , yeah .
Anyway , here's another question If someone says my libido has changed , what should I do ? What ?
would be your answer . I would say get it checked out physically , you know , medically by a doctor . Make sure everything's okay in your body . I mean health is the number one thing that can probably just make your sex life go really down the hill . But just make sure that you're okay and health wise and then find out what you need to do to get it back up .
You know what I mean . Sometimes I go to the doctor and sometimes I've been like okay , well , your thyroid's low or you need more progesterone .
Which means that you're just hormonal .
Yeah , your hormones are not balanced , because as we grow older and things like that . Stuff changes . When we have babies , things change , so that's normal . But figure it out .
Figure it out .
Just figure it out Trial and error . Ask people .
Has your libido changed over the ?
years , definitely .
Okay . Definitely it's been up and down , through having babies and then also through menopause , I mean yeah definitely so right now , in comparison to what it's been , you would say it's low average or high .
I would say it's lower now than it's ever been . Yeah , through coming through menopause Definitely .
And so when it comes to sex , like , let's say , last night , it's something that you're like , even though you have a low libido , you're pushing through . What would be your advice to the woman ? That's like , listen , I got low libido , but somehow you're still . We still have a rhythm , even though it's the worst that it's ever been . Talk to me .
It's like I don't know . I guess I understand what it is , I understand what sex means to me and to my marriage . It's very important to me . It's like very high . I mean , it's very important to me and so it doesn't matter , like if I . I guess I don't have to be in the mood .
You know , I don't have to be like 100% on fire and like , yay , I want to do this , I just have to be like a little bit like hey , Can I ask you a question ?
So if you have low libido and maybe you're not in the mood completely , but when you start having sex do you get more in the mood , Totally Okay . So you don't give me the sloppy fish like you know where it's , just like I'm just , it's a sloppy floppy fish body . It feels like you're in the mood .
Yeah .
But you're doing that by faith , you're intentional and as you go by faith , god is giving you more on your way before you start . Well , some woman needs to hear that , yeah .
I mean , it's always , it turns out . I mean again , it's like the piece of chocolate cake . I'm not hungry at all , but you just sat down next to me with a piece of cake .
Well , I'll just take a little bite of it . You know I'm not really that hungry , but let me you eat it . That's what happens every single time .
I mean , I just don't have another way to explain it someone says I have vaginal dryness .
What should I do ? What would be your ?
answer figure it out . You know , not . I , I agree . I totally understand where you're coming from . I have it too . You know , I'm a woman and at some point in every woman's life you're going to get it um . And so figure out different lubricants . Um , I use a hundred percent extra um , extra virgin , um coconut oil . It works for me .
You'll find , yeah , um , you'll find you know whatever works for you . But ask people who you trust , ask your girlfriends , ask your mom . You know what works for you . Maybe the same thing will work for you . These are , you know .
Some people say , well , I want to ask my mom about , I mean , it's , it's okay , it's , you know , this is , this is grown up stuff . Um , but anyway , just figure it out . There's , there's a solution .
Um , what about this question ? I'm not attracted to him anymore . What should I do Make yourself attracted to him again ? Talk to me about that . Can I do that ? I mean , he , like he gained weight , he , he , he , ashy , he , you know , his breath is not right . I mean what ? What do you do here ? What do you mean ? Not attractive ?
Okay , let's not say that , okay , because , guys , let me talk to you men for a minute you need to take care of your body .
Okay , you need listen tell them to go get a mani pedi go get your manicure pedicure .
Put some lotion on . Okay , smell good . Okay , make sure your breath is fresh too . That's a big thing , you got to make sure your breath is fresh get some , some breath strips , get some mints , get some binoculars , get whatever you got to get .
I mean , like set the mood here , but I really believe that , man , you need to take care of yourself , okay , and be presentable , don't have oil all under your nails and all that kind of stuff . I mean , take care of yourself . You ain't got , let's just assume it's not that . I'm just not attracted to him like that anymore . What should I do ?
I think that you know , I've found for myself and for a lot of other women , attraction just comes . It's more of a mental thing with us and an emotional thing with us , and so typically you know , more than likely , he's still the same guy . He might've gained a little weight or lost a little weight or whatever , but he's still the same guy that you married .
What attracted you to him in the first place ? And so I think those are some of the things that I practice even now .
They are intentional things like I don't know , in your mind , complimenting him Like , oh , I mean , take the time to like , look at him , take the time to enjoy what he looks like , check out his body , take the time to listen to his voice , like I will listen to my husband's voice , like , wow , you're such a man , you know , like whoa , you're so manly .
I look at like his beard and stuff . Like I'm like whoa , that's like a manly man . Those things make me attracted to him . Um , so I don't know , I can't say what attracts you to your spouse , but think about those things that made you attracted to him in the first place .
Well , that's the key . Something attracted you to this person , for you to say I do . Now you might need some counseling to figure out where your mind has now become critical .
Well , sometimes we overlook the things that we like into the things that we don't like , and we magnify the things that we don't like and we magnify the things that we don't like .
And they overrun all those things .
When we first got married , we magnified the things that we did like and minimized the things that we didn't like .
And we just have to reverse that again . Here's one more . What should I do when I'm not in the mood , but my spouse is ?
I would say for me personally just do it anyway . I'd say , do it anyway . There's a lot of times when I'm not in a mood . Now again , I'm not saying like okay , it's that time of the month for you , or you just got out of surgery , or you're all contagious and coughing and sneezing .
I'm not saying all of that stuff , okay .
I'm just saying it's a normal day and you don't feel like it , but they do just do it anyway . Okay , it's going to be . What's the worst case ? Is you like it ? I mean , like it's not , like you know ?
Well , the worst case is that they like it , but you might like it . But I would say this here's the principle that I think we've lived by is that it only takes one person to be in the mood for us to have sex . Yeah , and I think that's where many people are missing it , because they feel like they need to be in the mood .
Yeah , and for both people to be in the mood , you got to go to Netflix and watch a movie , because much of that is acting .
Yeah .
Because most of the time in the marriage like we've been married 25 years , it's like two ships passing in the night . For us both to be in the mood at the same time , it has to be like an anniversary , it has to be something .
Typically it's one of us instigating and the other one saying OK , that's what you want , but I'm going to get in the mood as well . But I never deny you If you want some . Here I am and you always treat me that way . If I want some , there's no denying . Now , I'm not a fool .
I know that if you're coughing and don't feel good , if you had a long day , I might say it and I can tell about it . Okay , it's okay , you know what I'm saying . But for the most part here's the principle Only one person needs to be in the mood for sex to happen in a marriage .
And I think , going back to the scripture , that's what the Bible is talking about , when the husband should not deny the wife and the wife should not deny the husband . What that means is that wife is in the mood , husband don't deny her . Yeah , that's just what it's talking about . And so I think , yeah , I , that's like a great deception .
I think , when it comes to sex , that you have to be in the mood to want to do it . Well , I don't feel like it . I have a headache , and a largely on the part of a woman . It's what we've been trained . Everyone has seen the movies where the woman's sitting there reading and then the husband comes on and she turns off the light and rolls over .
You know what I mean , like faking like she's asleep or faking like she has a headache . I mean , it's just been like embedded in our brains .
You don't know what this life is to live man .
But the funny thing is that . So that's how we portray the married couple , but the people that aren't married ? Their clothes are off by the time they hit the door .
I have an orgasm walking to the bed Like what is this ?
So we have been brainwashed .
You know what ?
I mean .
And it's really an attack on marriages .
Yes , please don't ever call me your old lady , I will never be your old lady Okay , I am your wife Fairfully and wonderfully made . Here's the deal .
Here's the deal . So only one person needs to be in the mood to start to spark this thing , and you got to accept that . So you're not in the mood , so what ? So , what , let's get there , okay ?
Here's the second principle that I would add to that Is that if you ever reject your spouse I , oh , I don't want to do it tonight Within 24 hours , you need to initiate it . Your rejection has to turn into an initiation .
Listen to this , because if not , if you reject your spouse and which we don't believe in , but let's say that it's something , and you really , and you did it , you did it Okay , you rejected it Okay . Or let's say that it wasn't really a rejection .
It was like they were kind of playing around and you was like nah , and they kind of backed up , like like , we'll do that . Yeah , it's not like , oh , I really want to . It's like , oh , I can just tell yeah , it's your job , within 24 hours , to initiate it , because you got to understand that was rejection . Yeah , that person has been sexually rejected .
Do you know the boldness that it would take for me to come back again , like you said no tonight . Well , I want to come back in 12 hours and be like hey , is it good now ? No , it's not my responsibility .
If you've said no when that person was ready to initiate sex between a husband and a wife within 24 hours , you should come back and say okay , sweetheart , let's do that . That thing , that principle right there will save so much heartache .
Really , I think we've both been there in marriage over the years where you've been rejected one , two , three times in a row .
I'm done .
Then we're in a family meeting and I'm just like what's wrong with you . You know what I mean , because it hurts , and I've been there too , where I've been rejected like oh snap . And now I'm feeling maybe I'm not attracted , maybe you don't like me , maybe you're something , and none of that's true .
It's just whatever's going on in your life is going on in your life . There's no communication or whatever , but I love that principle . It's just like we have to remember that , even if you've been married for a hundred years , your spouse is still a person . They're still a human being and sex is the most intimate thing that we do together .
It's the most vulnerable thing that we do together , and we're still people and want to be treated nicely . No one wants to be rejected .
Listen , if you are a man and you have an erection and you're horny and you want to be with your wife and she says no , you are sitting over there like a puppy , with your tail blinked between your legs , feeling like you just got hit by a bat .
I personally hate to think that my husband would feel that way . It's horrible , yeah , I know .
I know baby . So let me take you to another level . Initiating sex should be a husband and a wife thing . Yes , it should not be the man's always initiating sex and it should not be the wife is always initiating sex . It should be a lot more balanced .
I'm not saying like it always has to be 50-50 , but , initiating sex should be a two-way street that sometimes you initiate , sometimes I initiate , and one of the things that is a very common thread that I hear with many men is that they feel like they're the only ones always initiating , and it shouldn't be .
Yeah , I agree , I learned that too just through maybe doing podcasts and doing marriage counseling through all of the years .
And yeah , I've heard that because I've heard it from you first and we would talk about it in family meetings but then other men , when we have question and answer time , someone no doubt is going to grab the microphone and ask that question . That question is going to be asked . Why do I always have to initiate and the other man , the crowd goes wild .
Oh man day , or a Ken's night or a you know like or just something that I just try to just plan little things here and there that just make it intentional .
So , 24 years of marriage . I want to give you what we're calling seven keys to saving a sexless marriage . Seven keys , here we go . This is time you all have been waiting on . Get out your note takers , stop your cars , record this , do whatever you got to do . Seven keys to saving a sexless marriage .
Number one is that you got to get God's perspective on sex . Okay , there's three main reasons for sex , of course . Number one is procreation to be fruitful and multiply , to have kids . Number two is enjoyment between husband and wife .
I know that there are some very , very religious sectors that feel like sex is only to have babies , but you have to read the song of Solomon and understand that he gives us richly all things , including sex , to enjoy . And number three is intimacy between husband and wife .
Those are the three main reasons of why God created sex , and we need to embrace all three of those . That's good . And so you've got to get God's perspective on sex . Sex between husband and wife is pure , it's holy and it's godly , yes , and you have to get that into your renewed mind and into your spirit . Anything on that ?
I think that there are some women and some men that have to go back in their past and deal with the reason why maybe you don't want to be naked in front of your spouse , maybe the reason why you hold back and you would challenge you to maybe see a counselor and get pastoral , get some type of pastoral guidance and counseling as well , so that you can break
those chains , you can come out of bondage and be free in that area . So good , and it is possible , I've done it .
Amen in that area and it is possible . I've done it . Amen . Number two seven keys to saving a sexless marriage is that you need to talk about your sex life . Where are you , where you want to be , open up and communicate and talk about your feelings and the rhythms that you would like ?
This is huge , because many people are not communicating where they really are in their sex life .
So we do a family meeting at least every other week and one of our things on the topic and we have a family meeting outline that we've put out to everybody and , of course , it's also in our Better Marriage Bootcamp is we talk about calendar , we talk about finances and we talk about sex .
¶ How Often Should Couples Have Sex?
Baby , what do you like ? That I do , sweetheart . What do you want more of or less of ? And it's very important that you open up and you express what your sexual frustrations , your sexual appetite , what you would like to do , and you guys talk about it . Yeah , anything on that ?
I think that's hard . It's difficult to do , especially if your marriage isn't , especially if your sexual , your sex relationship isn't like good . It's hard at first to talk about it , but it still must be talked about . The more you talk about it , the easier it will get , and so I just want to set the expectations up front .
It's like , yeah , it'll be uncomfortable , yeah , you know , but uh , because you're being vulnerable and you're , you know , saying certain things but it's okay . It's okay Um we felt uncomfortable , but you'll get through it . Keep on having the conversations and you'll get better and it'll be all good .
Number three try to go to bed at the same time . You know , I think that there's a lot of people that are falling asleep on the couch or falling asleep in different rooms .
The woman goes to bed at 7 pm , the man comes to bed at 11 pm and there are two ships passing in the night and I think that we've learned that we kind of go to bed at the same time and I'm a late person , I'm more of an 11 o'clock person and she's the seven o'clock person , but when she goes into the bed I'm usually there by 730 or eight .
I'm trying to catch her before she goes to sleep and I think it's important to go to bed at the same time .
I think it is and you can make . As far as bedtime goes , I think we've evolved through the years . But yeah , I'm early to ride , early to go to bed , early to rise . You're late to go to bed , early to rise . You just need less sleep than me . But we make sure that we're in the bedroom at the same time and there , therefore , I go to sleep .
I do things like I put in earplugs , I'll put on a you know eye mask and I will pass out , and you'll be over there reading or doing whatever you do , but we are in the bed at the same time . So , whatever your rhythm is or your schedule is , whether you're early to bed or late to bed , I think you can make it work .
Yeah , yeah , here's number four touch each other , often not just sexual , but loving touches . I think there are some couples that they only touch when it's sex time and that's not enough touches , and so it's a kiss . Good morning , it's a kiss . Before you leave for work . Today , it's a kiss .
When you come home there's a tap on the booty , there's a caress of the arm , there's a holding of hands . Is that important to you and , if so , why ?
I think it is Well , I mean , touch is kind of one of it ranks high in my love language and so I like the you know , that feeling of touch . I even go and I touch my kids . But you know , just because I'm a nerd , there was a study done like scientifically .
There's things that happen whenever you touch each other , whenever you even come close to each other . There's things that happen there's like energy exchange and certain things that happen like endorphins that happen whenever we touch one another , and so it's actually I mean it's just good , it's good to touch one another and then to not feel like strangers .
You know , like no other man is touching me . You know what I mean . No other woman is touching you . Like I think I want I don't know , I personally I want to be touched by my husband . It's a privilege . You know , like if you know my body , everything , I am your gift and I want you to feel invited to do that .
But then also , as a man , I would tell wives like I don't think , I think it's a misunderstanding that men don't need touch or they don't need caressed , or anything like that . I would encourage you to just pour your love out on him Again , read the Song of Solomon and treat him like , let him be touched . Touch his face , you face .
Touch his beard , touch his body , because there's intimacy in that . There's more . I can't even describe the things that happen in that , but there's a closeness there that touches only what husband and wife can do with each other . So I think I don't know if I'm making myself clear , but I think it's a big deal . Just try it Okay .
Number five will be plan sex in , if you must , and make an important part of your relationship rhythm . I think sometimes we just look for organic sex , and organic sex is good . I think you can have sex and it just be like spur of the moment kind of things . But if you're in a sexless marriage , it needs to be another step towards intentionality .
And so if you're in a sexless marriage where you're not having sex enough , one sure way to make sure that you're having sex is to put it in your calendar , and so our sex nights will be every Friday night . Our sex nights will be every Monday and Wednesday . Our sex night will be Tuesday , thursday and Saturday .
Thursday and Saturday I think if you sit down in your family meeting , one of the things that you can do is to actually schedule it in to where everybody knows that this is what's going to happen tonight or in the morning , whenever it's good for you , lunchtime we don't care , it's just playing it in .
Number six would be takes turns , initiating sex and we talked about that just a little bit , and so we don't want initiation just to be a man thing . If you're in a sexless marriage , woman of God , start to initiate it . Man of God , you start to initiate it .
If you've been dealing with erectile dysfunction or some kind of other medical issue , you need to start celebrating even the small wins . Celebrate that you took a shower together Just because there is a medical issue going on . Don't allow intimacy to completely crash in your relationship . Fight this thing .
Go to doctors , take your medicine , do whatever you got to do to get yourself to the place where it's the intimacy that we're after . It's not just the physical part , it's the intimacy that we're after .
And point number seven , last but not least , seven points to saving a sexless marriage would be only one person needs to be in the mood , and we talked about that . Would be only one person needs to be in the mood , and we talked about that . That's a great point . That's the great point right there .
So stop waiting to be in the mood , because it is a fallacy . Many times we have sex and we're not in the mood when we start . But we get in the mood and we're like , thank God we did this . I don't know what we were thinking . And so those are our seven practical keys to saving a sexless marriage .