¶ Welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha
Hey , welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We are so pumped that you're tuning into this podcast . It has been designed for people just like you . We wanna do life with you , share our wins , our defeats , our ups and our downs , in hopes that you'll grow closer to God and to the people that you love in your life . Sit back and enjoy today's podcast .
Hey , what's up everybody ? Hey everyone , we are pumped to have you guys tuning in to another episode of Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . Pumped to have you guys here . We got some great information that we want to share with you and we just hope to be like marriage coaches in this moment , marriage mentors in this moment .
We've been married for 25 years , and I think that the topic that we have today is going to help people who have been struggling in their relationship , at least get some tools to help them .
That's what we want to do , absolutely . And if you're new to our podcast , we've been praying for you . We do this podcast , like you just said , babe , so that we can be a blessing to people , to their marriages , to husbands and wives , to your relationships , and so we've been praying for you . We're so glad that you tuned in .
We think it's going to be a blessing .
Yeah , and if you're new to our podcast , we release a new episode every Thursday at 3 pm . We would love for you to hit the subscribe button If you're tuning in via YouTube . If you're tuning in via podcast , make sure that you hit the download just so that you can be the first to grab the content .
But if you're like , hey , this podcast is a blessing and we meet people all the time , this podcast is a blessing and we meet people all the time , all over the place . They're like your podcast is blessing me . Let us know . Don't keep that to yourself .
What you can do is you can share these episodes , make sure that you comment on these episodes , write a review a good review and send us an email If you got any questions . Every once in a while we'll do a question and answer kind of thing . And also come worship with us If you're ever in the state of Florida .
We pastor a church called Alive Church , orlando , tampa , gainesville , florida , and maybe one day , a campus near you .
This Sunday I just met a couple . They came to worship with us . They said they watched the podcast . They were from South Carolina and I forget the city in South Carolina . It was a popular one , a beautiful area in fact . But they're from South Carolina , they'd been married for maybe 45 years and they are marriage counselors .
They were in Orlando just kind of on vacay and they said you know what and actually it was his birthday and he woke up and was like you know what , we're going to see Ken and Tabitha , and they came to church . It was a good time .
It was good seeing them .
I don't .
I don't remember their names , but they were a blessing and you know who she's talking about , email us to make sure that we know your name so we can give you a shout out . I just met a young lady that was .
She was at a conference in Atlanta and then decided I'm just going to go to Orlando and visit a live church and be with Ken and Tabitha , and so she went to the conference in Atlanta . She had some friends in Jacksonville , florida , and she was from New Jersey and so she came by herself . A young lady came by herself .
She's probably in her 20s , and I just thought that was just so important and just special that people would come and want to come on their vacation time or drive here . And so , hey , guys , we love when you come visit us . We have a conference that we do every November as well called a live conference where people come from around the world .
If you are interested with getting tickets to this conference , that's typically sold out . It will be an encounter with God moment for you . I believe you'll receive a prophetic word there . People will get healed there and just be equipped to be everything God's called you to be .
If you want more information about that , it'll be in our show notes or you can check out our website as well .
¶ Making Marriage Work: Introduction to Three Essential Tips
Well , today's topic is entitled Making Marriage Work Three Essential Tips for a Stronger Relationship . You know there's so many things , sweetheart , that we could talk about marriage , and I feel like over our 25-year journey , we've had a lot of ups and downs . Many times I say we've been married for 25 years .
It's been the best 23 years of my life , meaning that the first two years of our marriage was absolutely horrible . I had a plan to divorce you . I felt like I made a mistake . I felt like I got married too young , all of those things and looking back , it would have been the worst decision that I've ever made .
Now , many times when we talk about marriage , we talk about that section of our life , but it's not like just for the last 23 years have just been completely rosy . Like any relationship , there's ebbs and flows , there's ups and downs , but we want to give people like tools .
But if you were to talk about like the beginning of our relationship from your perspective , like unpack the details a little bit , usually I say you know , we've been married for 23 years . The first two years was horrible , but now you got yourself together . Things are much better . But that's a joke .
But really what was your perspective of that , of that , of that season ?
You know it's always funny because a lot of it I just don't remember , you know . So I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety disorder . At the time I was taking medicine antidepressants to kind of help me cope . I was in therapy , counseling , things like that . So I was really into this depression thing and didn't know how to break free .
I had been born again for maybe two years . I got born again maybe a year before we got married . I got saved , or maybe six months before . Honestly , was it six months ?
I can't remember exactly .
I think we knew each other six months , got engaged and then a year later we got married . It worked like that . So I had been born again for one year . We had been married for a year .
So maybe I think it was different . We were together a year and then got engaged and got married in six months . We got engaged on Christmas Eve . We did Okay and then got married on July the 3rd .
You're right .
You're right , you're right . So we met in um on July 14th 1998 .
Okay , and then the next Christmas December . Yeah , that's crazy Um no same year 98, .
We got engaged and then got married July 3rd 1999 .
Um , so I'm a new believer , okay , and God had taken me from , like delivered me from you know the spirit of suicide , deep , deep sadness . You know he had done so many things in my life just through accepting him as Jesus , as Lord of my life , and so I was on this journey with God .
But I did not know a lot about the Bible , I did not know that God was a healer , I didn't know that I could believe for God for certain things , I didn't know that I was a prayer warrior and I had power and authority in the name of Jesus . Like , I didn't know any of that . And so we're married .
It's before we kind of go to church , get filled with the Holy Spirit , all of that stuff . So I was just fighting depression and I was trying my best . And so a lot of you know , when you tell stories about how you know you wanted to divorce
¶ From Divorce to Best Friends: Ken and Tabitha's Story
me and you were unhappy and you know you were angry and you would be rude to me and say rude things , I kind of don't even remember it . You know I'm kind of thankful because I don't want to remember , you know , those hurtful things . I mean a few things . I do know what do you remember ? I remember just being distant from you .
I remember it was just like before we got married , we were so in love and everything was so intense and I knew that you were there for me and you would fight for me because we were so in love . But then after we got married , I just remembered it was like , yeah , we were just distant and I wanted to sleep all the time .
Yeah , that happens to a lot of couples . Like , leading up to the marriage , everything is rosy . Then you get married and within six months or a year , you can't stand each other because you have a target on your back , and what people need to understand about marriage is that marriage is ministry .
Marriage is God's idea , so Satan hates marriage because , he hates the family and he hates God . So Satan will kind of leave you alone , especially if you're out there sinning and you're having sex before marriage and you're just doing whatever man , go , have fun .
But when you come into a covenant under God , then there's a target on your back where the enemy wants to destroy the sanctity of the family and the sanctity of marriage , because marriage is the one thing that God can hold in his hands or Jesus holds in his hands to show how much he loves the church , and so Satan kind of targets you .
And so you need to know how to war in marriage . You need to know how to be in the spirit , you need to know biblical principles to win in war , because then there's a target on your back that you did not have before , and that's what we had no tools . No tools .
We had absolutely no tools and I think now I know one of the most dangerous things you can be is an ignorant Christian .
Well , the Bible says it this way . Hosea 4 , 6 says my people are destroyed for a lack of knowledge .
Lack of knowledge .
So what you don't know about marriage can kill your marriage .
Yes , because there's a saying that says what you don't know won't hurt you . That is a lie .
Well , what I didn't know about being a husband actually is what was leading us towards divorce . I didn't know how to love you like Christ loved the church . I didn't know how to submit to you . I didn't know how to serve you . I didn't know how to really talk to you .
I didn't know how to divide labor and divide finances , and it was literally killing us simply because I didn't know something . And it wasn't that you were different , you were still the woman that I love right now .
It was that I had missing information missing knowledge , and so that's why I'm so excited about people tuning into the podcast , because we're going to give you some knowledge .
Yeah , I felt a sneeze coming on . It was so powerful right here and it just disappeared . So , praise the Lord . Yeah , that's a whole thing .
That's a whole thing so guys , if you ever see me doing like this , I know that on camera that's not a cool thing to do , like to be in your nose , but literally that's the way you stop a sneeze it's kind of like press right here .
I don't know , it's a little stuffy .
One thing about us is that we both have to battle to overcome allergies . And our kids ? God bless them . They have some genetic flaws when it comes to spring and pollen and dust and all those things , but by the stripes of Jesus , we declare we're healed .
Our children are all doing better than us right now . Honestly , when it comes to that , yeah , we've been intentional , I've actually been delivered .
When I was a kid , I used to get allergy shots every week . Me too , I get allergy shots every week , and so , in comparison to where I was , oh , I'm light years ahead oh yeah , I'm light years ahead . Praise God for that .
Praise the .
Lord , but anyway , can you talk to me ? So you say the challenges in our marriage ? Talk about my plan to divorce . Here's what I want someone to hear . It doesn't matter how bad your marriage might seem right now . There's a better day that's ahead . It doesn't matter what it seems like right now .
There is a sleeping giant in you that can really outweigh and outlast any of the plans of the enemy to divide . There might be generational curses of divorce . There might be people in your family that you've never seen stay together , but greater is he that is in you than he that is in the world . I think it's important just to encourage people .
Philippians 4.13 talks about how we can do all things through Christ , who strengthens us . I think one of the reasons we went from divorce to best friends is that we believed in us . Again , divorce to best friends is that we believed in us again . We believe that with the help of the Lord , we could make it , that we could have a better marriage .
But if you were to ask me back then , when the marriage was really , really bad and I was telling my dad , hey , I want to divorce her , this is not going to work , and I was entertaining other women and thinking about other women and what it could be like without you , I was completely blind to our future .
And I just feel , like there are people , when your marriage gets really bad , you're completely blind to the future and I feel this in my spirit that sometimes it's not even you changing your spouse , because only God can change your spouse . The question is how can you allow God to change you ?
Many times when people hear podcasts and you read marriage material , you're like , yes , that's what he needs , that's what she needs to do , but only God can change your spouse .
The thing that can change is you , and if you can be the hero in the home and you were that for a season for us you said I'm going to do my part and let God get involved with me , and that was one of the things that caused this divine turnaround .
Yeah , absolutely , and you know , I so respect that point that you make that I was the hero in the home and I get it , and there's a lot of people that need to step up and be the hero , man or woman . However , the reason I was able to be the hero quote unquote in the home is that I talked about me being depressed .
Well , god delivered me from the spirit of depression . I was delivered from depression in a day , in an instant . I was delivered .
After a few years , though , because you got saved and you were still depressed for a couple years .
I got saved for a few years .
But then the deliverance came after about three months .
When deliverance came , it came suddenly in a moment and it was done , and at that moment the blindfolds were removed . I was able to see again , yes , and it was just like I came to my right mind . You didn't know that , though . You couldn't see what happened on the inside of me . Only I did . All you saw was the last two years .
You saw the depressed Tabitha , the one that was sleeping all the time , the one that you were angry at , and so the reason why I was able to be the hero I recognized my own responsibility .
Okay , so you have a role in writing .
Yeah , I knew that I had a role in this and even though it was 50-50 , even though you had a role to play as well , I said I'm going to own my part and I'm going to show him who I really am , because I had to prove to myself who I really was in Christ Jesus .
So what I see is you almost pumped the brakes on our divorce .
Exactly , you pumped the brakes on a bad marriage and you , even when I was not a willing participant , began to turn our relationship around by the power of the Spirit , and I think 1 Peter 5 or chapter 3 talks about how a man can be won by the lifestyle of his woman , woman of God , you have more power than what you even know and what you even realize ,
and you can tear down your house .
The .
Bible talks about it's better to be on a rooftop than to be in the house with a nagging kind of a woman . So you can tear down your house or you can build up your house . That woman has so much power and so can you just practically kind of very quickly . What are some things that you did to kind of turn this thing around ?
Anything comes to mind where you you said you pumped the brakes and you woke up from depression and you turned the things around very quickly .
Um , I uh . Number one I had positive people in my life and positive influences , and so you know , people are watching a podcast right now of people who have been through hard times but we've overcome and now we have fruitfulness . And so we had people in our lives .
We had our pastors at the time , and so they had a testimony like ours , and I looked at their marriage . I saw , I looked at how the way she looked at him , how he looked at her , how they respected one another and loved one another , how they could say okay well to you know , how they could argue with one another but still respect one another and okay .
They gave us tools .
Yeah , they gave us tools to overcome . They gave us perspective . Yeah , they gave us tools . Yeah , they gave us tools to overcome .
They gave us perspective .
They gave us a model . Yeah , they gave us a model and I said , okay , well , if they can overcome , I can overcome . It gave me hope , it gave me an example , and I'm one of those people I learn by example . If you show me it , I can do it .
Well , the only shortcut to success is mentorship , and I think so many times . We think that someone has to go to Starbucks with us at 7 am every single day to be a mentor . Our pastors , we were there for seven years .
We never sat down for dinner but we went to all of their classes , we listened to all of their teaching and we just applied the principles , so you have close mentors that might can do that but , then you have distant mentors that I'm going to get their book I'm going to get their podcast .
And that's one of our hopes , that's why we started the podcast is to be able to provide a level of example and mentorship , even from afar , where people can tune in and just learn from our successes but even more
¶ The Power of Hope and Faith in Marriage
from our failure . So I know that there was other things that you did but , what I heard in the first part is that you had a mindset that I'm going to overcome .
Absolutely .
And I'm going to turn things around .
Because I had hope that I could . I had faith that I'm going to overcome Absolutely and I'm going to turn things around Because I had hope that I could . Right , I had faith that I could . It was just so exciting for me to say no , it's going to be better , my marriage is going to be better .
Yeah , Can we just stop right there ? And I want somebody just to repeat after me and say my marriage can be better . Say that with me .
My marriage can be better . Say that with me my marriage can be better .
My marriage can be better . Come on , say it again my marriage can be better , my marriage can be better , my marriage can be better . You have to begin to believe that and speak that and then act like it's so , and that's one of the major keys . You begin to treat me like who I was going to become before I was that .
Absolutely .
And that's huge Like if your marriage is bad . Don't treat your spouse how they are treating you . Treat them like they are , who you want them to be . Right . That takes a lot of faith .
It does . But you know who you married . You know , like I knew who I married , I knew why I said yes to you . I remember sitting on the altar looking into your eyes . I remember that wedding day .
Come on , look at me girl .
And so I didn't marry a fool . Yeah , I didn't marry someone who I hated . I was totally completely for you Well what was my problem then ? Your problem was I mean many , many fold Number one some of your problem was me . Okay , we talked about that part . I wasn't being a wife to you .
Honestly , I think you were a small part of the problem .
Well , you know . So from my perspective , that's my part . But then some of your problem , probably the word of God , your relationship with God . You did not put God first . You didn't put your oath first .
You said that I was going to love her through sickness and in health , till death , do us part , and you were planning a divorce that didn't have anything to do with me . You lied to God .
Anything else . I'm ready for it ? What else ?
You know , probably just immaturity , just immaturity .
Flesh not knowing the word of God .
Yeah , yeah , just , it's all about you and she's not working out for me .
The only way to grow is to identify where you are . If you're immature and a baby , just say I'm a baby , I'm a fleshy , carnal person and I need to grow up , absolutely .
But I want to get into these principles , but before I do that , there's one question that's sticking out to me , because I just feel like there's somebody who's battling depression and they can use that as an excuse for a messed up marriage . So they hear about your depression . Then you got set free from depression , then you worked on your marriage .
I know of people who they've made their depression such a part of their personality and their counselors and therapists are telling them well , you got to work on your depression and work on that before you can even work on their marriage .
And that person's not married any longer because they turned themselves not to work on their marriage but just to work on themselves , which is the epitome of a bad marriage self-selfishness , selfishness , selfishness , selfishness . And so what would you say to the person who might not have experienced complete deliverance from depression , but they're still married ?
I would say um , don't uh , give up , you know , believe for complete healing . I would say that it is possible to be completely healed of depression , delivered from the spirit of depression . That is absolutely , 100% possible . Jesus heals mental illnesses just like he heals physical illnesses .
He sets free , he delivers , and I think once you grab hold of that is possible for me , then you will see it manifest . You'll see that take place . But there's a lot of people who and I understand that I was told that you're depressed . I mean , I've been depressed since the age of 12 .
It's a chemical imbalance .
You can't do anything about it .
You can never be healed from . There's nothing you can do about it All you can do is cope .
But we've seen my God says it may be impossible with God , but not impossible with men , but not with God , for with God , all things are possible . The Bible says everyone that was sick , that came in contact with , just with Jesus was healed .
And so I think depression is one of those things and I would just speak faith and encouragement to you to believe past that point of depression . I would just speak faith and encouragement to you to believe past that point of depression .
There are a lot of people who you know like , even when it comes to healing and stuff , they're afraid to say no , you're going to be healed . Now I'm someone who overcame cancer stage three , breast cancer and today I don't say my cancer , I don't say my depression , because it never was mine , it wasn't God's . God didn't give it to me . This is the enemy .
If anyone's , it's the devil's , it's a result of evil , it is an attack . So no , that was never my depression , it was never my cancer . And so , no , it's not yours . That's not a label , it's not who you are , it's not what you are , it's something that you know . Who you are is a child of God . What you are is , you know , a born again believer .
You're healed by the stripes of Jesus . So believe those truths about yourself and I guess I'll say this last thing is that sometimes we'll say , well , I'm not . You know , I don't want to believe for that , because what if I don't get healed ?
You know , I'm not going to pray for them to be healed from depression , because what if they live their whole lives and they're still depressed and they die depressed ? I mean , that is here's my answer to that . I've never seen that happen .
I've seen , you know , we have so many people who come into the church depressed and within a few months they're depression free , like they are healed . They have their own testimonies of how God did it .
But people get free of depression . They really do .
But here's my thing that people need hope . People need hope that healing is available , and oftentimes hope is that precursor to faith . Sometimes , well , I can't believe it , I don't know it .
But if you can Well listen . We're doing a whole podcast that's coming up soon on what to do when my spouse is depressed .
I think it's coming up just in a couple of months . That's good . That's good .
Okay , because I feel you pouring out .
I feel you pouring out . I'm so passionate about it because people don't believe , they don't have faith , they don't understand it . You can be healed from depression or any other mental disease illness .
Well , maybe we'll let you pray at the end for people to get healed from depression there's just an anointing God's given you and to see people get set free from depression . We just believe that Jesus . This is something he wants to do in our generation and it's hindering people's joy .
There's an oil of joy , so forth and so on , but I'm sorry to cut you off .
I don't know the point of that . I forget what I'm saying now . Yeah , we was going off depression . I was trying to make a point , go get it .
I'm sorry , but let's move on , because I want to get over these three essential tips for a stronger relationship . Okay , now , here's the deal . There are people who are watching right now that their marriage is good but it's not great . Okay , this is what you need .
It's great , but it's not out of this world , all right , we talk about having a better marriage , and any marriage can be better . Here's a few tools for your toolbox
¶ Priority: Making Your Spouse Number One
. Number one is priority . Everybody say priority , priority , okay , it is making your spouse . You do not put your friends before your spouse , your mama before your spouse . You don't even put your kids before your spouse . That's a big one people do because your spouse has to be one .
Okay , now , we're not talking about putting them in front of God , but after Jesus , my spouse is number one , and so can you talk to me about priority at all ? How important is ?
that it's really important . I think you know a lot of people say , you know , especially when they're having kids and things like that . Well , we're going to start a family now and I think that you know the family starts with the husband and the wife Talk about that . You know , that's the foundation of the family , and it's just common . It's what we said .
I mean , I used to say it again .
So when people about to have a baby , they're like , hey , we're about to start a family , yeah , but the truth is you started a family at I do . You started a family and I do .
We were the Claytor family July 3rd 1999 .
So yeah , yeah , and so the kids are going to be extensions of the family and they're going to grow up to have their own family , but you and I are the family .
Yeah and so , but I get it , you know I get it . But when you , that helps me prioritize , ok , it helps me know that , to know that we are the foundation of our family . And so when I do have kids , because you know I'm , I'm the wife and a lot of my attention , it's worse .
You know I'm the primary caregiver , you know so to say so , mommy , I have mommy ears , I have mommy eyes , I'm all about these children . You know when , once we start having kids , and if I don't understand that I will not put you first , I'll put my children first , and then there's going to be problems .
Yeah , yeah . So do you feel like I'm your number one priority ?
I do .
You do . Do you feel like I make you my ?
number one priority .
Yes , why do you say that ?
I think we work at it .
I feel like you know we have conversations , we've been open over the years that if I , if you know , if if I'm spending too much time like over in one area , maybe with the kids or I will get sucked into being a mom , right , you know , and it's rightfully so , like so , when I say I put you first over my kids , that doesn't mean I neglect one single need
of my kids , but it means that I keep balance and so I create order in my home to where I need to spend time with my husband , you know . So , yes , I have babies . My kids are all you know , maybe even pre you know , I got a four-year-old , a two-year-old and a newborn .
Those are really young kids , but what we would do is okay , I have my kids on a schedule because I need to prioritize my husband , meaning I'm prioritizing my marriage .
I can't let these kids be two years old and eight years old and 10 years old and now I'm a stranger to my husband because we're not spending quality time together , we're not looking into each other's eyes , so I put them to bed at a certain time .
You know , the funny thing about parenting is that everybody shows you the good side of parenting . Oh , these beautiful babies . We just had a baby . The gender reveal everything .
Yeah .
But they don't show you the of parenting . Oh , these beautiful babies . We just had a baby . The gender reveal , everything's there . But they don't show you the other , the backside of the mountain , so to say it's really hard . They literally will suck your life away , for you and you're 20 and you'll end up at 50 and be like what happened to my 30 years .
And if you're not careful they will destroy the marriage , not because they mean to , just because they're needy , you got to feed them , you got to take care of them .
And then some people I think especially younger people they think like oh well , it's just because they're babies , but then they're going to be toddlers and they're going to be tearing up everything , and then they're going to be in activities and if you're not careful , they go from grade school to junior high , high school you got them in . AU .
You got them in all these different sports and activities and if you're not careful , it's easy to give more attention to your children than your spouse because you feel like they came out of me , especially for women . Correct me if I'm wrong .
I am responsible for taking care of them and the truth is is that when husband and wife , the two becomes one your number one responsibility , my number one responsibility is you before the church , before my children , before everything else other than the Lord .
And your number one response and that takes intentionality parameters discipline Go to bed at a certain time no , we're not doing that . Specific date nights , husband and wife vacations no , no , the kids are not going with us on this vacation . We have a family vacation , but then we also have a husband and wife vacation . We do certain things .
Not having children in our bed . You got your own room to go to Bed is where we make babies , not where babies sleep . All of these principles are principles just to keep our covenant of marriage at the forefront of our priority .
Yeah , it's how we parent . We parent in a way that allows us to be number one in each other's lives . We prioritize each other first and our kids are raised with that ,
¶ Trustworthiness: Building and Maintaining Trust
and so they don't feel they're not second class . They don't know anything , but they know that mommy and daddy comes first . They know respect mommy , respect daddy . They know respect their date night , their time together . They know respect the food Don't eat all the food , so daddy doesn't have any .
They just know stuff , know certain things yeah , and it's good for them .
So our encouragement to those of you all who are watching is to do everything that you can to make your spouse your number one priority . Let them talk that way , treat them that way , arrange your calendar that way . Treat them that way , arrange your calendar that way , and there's going to be some things that you have to sacrifice for that to be a reality .
There might be some job assignments that you have to turn down . There might be some opportunities that you have to say no to . But in your family meeting , just ask the question on a scale of one to 10 , how much do you feel that I am your number one priority after the Lord ?
And then just be , take copious notes and make some adjustments , but we want to make sure that marriage is a priority . The second principle or tip that we would give you for a stronger relationship is this is trustworthiness , and I think that trustworthiness is huge , because all great relationships are built on trust .
One of my favorite books is the Five Dysfunctions of a Team by Patrick Lencioni , and he goes through an organization that was having a lot of challenges in the company , and it basically came down to that the employees didn't trust one another and so , once they went through team building activities and they removed the people that was causing there to be dissension ,
trust built and then all of a sudden they became effective . Same with the organization of the family . If you don't trust me and I don't trust you , an affair which is the same thing with a bad financial decision things that was happened that caused pain to where you feel like you don't trust that person . But you have to work to build that trust back up .
Trust is funny because it can be lost in a moment , but it's over years . But I want you to trust me and this is what I know . I trust you , I do , I trust you . You have built in for the last quarter of century to where I know your actions . I know I trust you . I do , I trust you .
You have built in for the last quarter of century to where I know your actions . I know your character . I know , I know you . There's a stability with you . There is like a . There is a steadiness with you . There is a unmovability with you , like even on your bad days .
I know that you're not going to go too far and , um , I wish that for every married person that you can be married to a person and it's like you can put your faith in them . How important is that to you ?
Trustworthiness um . I think it's really important . I don't know if you , if you don't have trust , I don't know how good of a relationship you have you know , what about the people who they're in a place and they don't trust their spouse ?
There's something happened . What would you say to that person ? Because if the relationship is going to be hindered without the element of trust , how do we build more trust ?
I think it's unfortunate that those things happen , but they do and it's common and probably every marriage has had a time where it's like , oh , that kind of you lose trust when you get hurt .
It doesn't have to be infidelity , it doesn't have to do anything , but if you like , if you , you , we get into an argument and then you say something to me that hurt me , ok , that chips away at my trust , because then I'm like I don't want to say that , no more .
I don't want to be vulnerable .
Yeah , I can't trust that you're not going to use that against me again more I don't want to be vulnerable . Yeah , I can't trust that you're not going to use that against me again .
It makes me pull back , and so trust can be challenged in many different ways , and trust can be like you know there's levels , you know what I mean Like you know , intentional and unintentional .
You know we've probably done things to each other to chip away at our trust a little , just unintentionally , like , oh , I was supposed to be there for you and I forgot , or I was so involved in my own world , you needed me and and I didn't have your back . So just like I don't know it , just chipped at your trust .
So there's different aspects yeah , I mean I'm not trying to . This is like a current thing , but I don't really trust that . If I text you , then you're going to text me back , yeah , and that's the thing . You know what I'm saying . That's the thing where I'm just like so now , what it does is that it keeps me going . Does she get it ? Does she respond ?
And it's another weight on me , and that's a very common thing , that's dumb is what it is .
Is it really dumb ? It's dumb .
No , no , thank you for so it's not dumb .
That's how I feel , yes , but it's not dumb because it's important to you . You know what I mean . I know that it's important to you . I don't know how that is in our marriage , though , because this is more like a work thing that you're talking about .
No , no , no , it's definitely marriage . It's definitely marriage . I'm trying to communicate something that we need for the family , or something that I need you to do , and I don't know if you got the text or read it or going to respond . So there's , you know what I'm saying . So it creates this thing .
I mean you might think that's a little thing . I think that's the problem . So what do we ?
do ? I have no clue . I'm hoping somebody in the comments might tell us what to do .
Well , what I was going to say , you know , toward . You know , when the trust has been broken , there's two parts to play , and so on my case , I think I would have to try to gain . I'm just going to do whatever I can do to gain your trust back .
I'm going to be like , okay , I need to pay attention so that this man , when his texts come through , I can answer his text .
I mean still the , the tone towards it's a little .
No , it's the tone is , you know , just in . It's not to diss you , it's for me to . I'm kind of yanking myself up by the collar like woman . Okay , answer the man's text please that's , that's my interpretation . So I'm gonna have to do things to do it . I'm gonna make sure that I got you know my .
I have it on , I have everything so that when you call , it's supposed to come through like you're on my . If I the phone is silenced , you break through regardless . I'm not sure why it's not happening . So I'm gonna go back and do all my things . On your part , I think it's you just you gotta forgive , you gotta , you gotta .
I'm not , I'm not saying you know , you gotta let go of , like , okay , yeah , she , she's not going to . Um , even if she never responds to my texts again , I still love her , I still forgive her , whatever , okay , so , but I'm saying that's what , that's your position , because you're not going to be able to trust me even when I do start .
So let's say , I respond every single text . You're going to be that one to say she never returned because three years ago she never used to respond . Mike , for the first five years of marriage she never responded to my texts . But I've been doing it for the last 10 years .
But you're still talking about it because you didn't forgive me , I don't think you're talking about me .
You're talking about a principle . Exactly I'm talking about those principles .
So sometimes people have built up their trust .
But we're still stuck in the distrust . Well , for me , I feel like I'm not going to make a small thing a big thing , like if you don't ever text me back , I just have to ignore it . I think many married couples is those are the things that create it's people are not having unreconcilable differences over some big thing .
But here's the thing . But what if I never change ? You've known me for 25 years and I've never been good at returning texts .
I said , well , you're not going to change .
So it was a diss , it was a , it was a it was a I don't know , if I had some mud , I'd pick it up and throw it at you right now , kind of thing .
And when I heard you say it .
I was like I mean I'll try , but he might be right . I never changed so far .
I would love to hear in our audience what you guys think in the comments . If you're on YouTube , let us know . For these first two principles , what are the things that you guys have done ? Number one , to make your spouse a priority or number two , to build trustworthiness . I would love to hear what you've done well in .
I also love to hear what you have questions about these two . But we kind of got off a little bit on the whole text thing but I felt like you were saying really good stuff but at the end of the day I feel like those are small things but I trust you . Like if I need you , you know I can get you .
I can trust you with everything , with my soul , with my life , with everything you know , I don't know . has there ever been anything else that you have hard time trusting me with , or times that I've broken your trust ?
I mean you know not really . We pretty much I mean we're very open with each other Because we're in ministry . There's been times where maybe you said something you know we're in ministry and you say something like you give out information that I'm probably okay with because you know you already , you know that I'm going to be okay with whatever you say .
You're not telling a lie , you're telling the truth . But maybe I wasn't ready for it yet and you're up and you know I'm in the audience with everybody else like oh my gosh , what's he going to say ? And all of a sudden he says it and we're all like ha , ha ha , that's funny . And I'm like ha it it .
Yeah , it makes me work on that , though I'm like it's a little bit of I want to say something that you're going to sit in your seat and cringe by . Yeah , definitely , but listen when you're a communicator .
I can count it on my hands but out of 18 years you can count it . Yeah , that , stay away from that , but so it seems like over 25 years of marriage , 18 years of ministry , you trust me . Why , though , like what is it that you would suggest for a man who , a husband who's watching ?
What is it about my character or my mindset that makes you feel secure ? Because I hear from a lot of ladies that men don't make them feel secure , and I don't think men want that . It's just that we might not know how to make them feel secure and I don't think men want that . It's just that we might not know how to make them feel secure .
So what would your advice be ? From what you see in me , that can build like a trustworthiness ?
I think number one is I see your relationship with God and it's authentic to me . Number one okay , so that relationship with God . Number two Number one , so that relationship with God . Number two I see , and in that relationship with God you don't just say like , oh well , I love God , and you come to church . I see you read the Bible at home .
I hear you when you're praising and worshiping God and you're trying to be quiet so nobody else hears you . I walk in in the middle of your prayer time and feel like , oh my gosh , lord , forgive me , cause I didn't came into a holy moment and have to sneak back out or whatever . Like I see you behind the scenes . So that's , I see your relation .
I literally see your relationship with God . Number two Um , uh , what was the number two ? Lord help me . Oh , number two is this , and this is a big one it's you are who you are on stage . And if you weren't a preacher before , you were a pastor . When we were with your friends , when we were with our business employees or whoever we were with
¶ Communication Skills: The Lifeblood of Marriage
outside your parents , you were always the same person . You weren't a different person when we came home . You didn't . You didn't cuss in private Like you didn't cuss out in there . And when we came home you didn't like slip in all these words , that you didn't whisper any of that same person . You acted the same .
You didn't gossip and talk about people like you know , like literally we're husband and wife . We don't go home and talk about people behind them . That builds my trust . I see your character , I see who you are , and so I think those two things above all else , because you can make mistakes .
You can just do like on accident or even on purpose , get mad and say a hurtful word or something . That's okay . But who you really are is who I see there and here and your time with God . That means everything to me .
Wow , yeah , that was really rich . But my hope is that men , husbands and wives are like okay , it's my private area character that builds trust , area character that builds trust . Same with you , it's your ability to keep your word . If you lie or tell , like a little white fib you're going to feel oh my God , what have I done ?
I mean all of those things like . I've seen you handle the biggest battles , not even your successes , but the storms of life , the pain of life , but you still do it in a very God-led , holy Spirit-led way . All of that builds trust . I think we could do a whole segment on that .
That was very good , but I want to give the third one , just for sake of time . And it's good communication skills . So we have priority , we have trustworthiness , but you've got to learn to talk to each other .
Communication is the lifeblood of the relationship , and why do you think this is so important for a married person who wants to have a great relationship If you don't learn how to talk to each other and be friends with each other and you don't create a safe place for communication and you quit this whole thing of like random talking , like you have set times
where we're going to talk deeply about our future , where we're going , what I like , but also things that I would like you to change . Why is that so ?
important , I think , because the opposite is not communicating , and that's so deadly , that's so unhealthy . When you don't communicate , you hold it in and you eventually explode . It piles up one thing after another , after another . It's where you make a mountain out of a molehill .
I think that happens for us . Yeah , yeah , that happens for us .
Well , because here's why we get busy we get busy . And I'll be like , oh , that's dumb , I'm not . You know he's going through a lot right now . I know what's happening . I'm not going to bring that up , you know .
But when there's a funk in the atmosphere . Everybody knows , yeah , everybody knows . Don't just walk through the house and there's a funk . Go deal with the funk . Hey , is everything okay , do we need to talk or anything ? Apologize , hey , you know , and .
I don Day after , day after , day after day .
There's a tension in your marriage . There's a tension in the atmosphere . You guys are sleeping on the seam of the mattress . You're over on the seam . You're not in the middle of the bed , you're over on the seam . You're taking the covers from each other . You need to work that out . You got to sit down and talk . Just talk .
You would be amazed of , hey , what's bugging you , not just like I want to attack you and say what I don't like about what you did and said hey , what's bugging you on a scale of one to ten ? How happy are you right now ? What is it that I can do for you ? And I think vice versa .
When you do that Many times , what we uncover is I mean , here , lately we got into something and you was just like hey , I'm so sorry , I apologize .
I remember what it was . It was something just a couple of days ago and um well , I think that's the easiest way to overcome any situation is just to apologize , and not only because sometimes posted something that was like in the house , and it was .
I posted something . Oh , I posted your closet was messy and you didn't like that very much and and then we got into this whole thing and then you were like well , I wanted to bring it up to you .
It's I didn't like it , yes , but I didn't want you to change it , I wasn't necessary , I just wanted to talk about it .
Yeah , because what it did was it pulled up a little distress for me because I said , okay , he did this , I was kind of okay with it , but to me it was a misrepresentation of what was really happening in my life , and so I brought it up to you . I said , because you knew I'm like you knew that I wouldn't like this .
I did , and so but you did it anyway , but I was okay with it because I kind of don't care anyway .
So , but you did it anyway , but I was OK with it because I kind of don't care anyway . But what ? When I saw it it made me feel like , oh , what else is he putting out there ?
Oh snap , what else is he going to do ? And that's what . That's what I had a problem with , right , right , but you know . So there was a tension and you apologize quickly . You were just like , hey , it's not that big a deal , I know that we're public people and it wasn't the whole thing that I did and I apologize as well . Hey , my bad .
I kind of knew that you probably wouldn't like it . My perspective was is that I didn't show too much . I thought it would just be a joke and it was cool to let people see that we're not always perfect . But I think that there's a lot of little things like that that happens in marriage and you just got to be quick to apologize .
Then the next day I did something and then I came and apologized . We've been apologizing a lot lately but like , why walk around with tension ?
oh , man , yeah , that's funny . Yeah , I think just a simple I'm sorry . I think sometimes it could be the stress of the day , it could be whatever , but sometimes I feel like like man , I did something . I don't even know what it is , but I don't even feel like being I'm sorry .
Sometimes I apologize and I don't even know what I did , and you probably feel the same way . Sometimes I just I'm like babe , I don't know . It just seems a little , you know , tight right now . I'm sorry , I don't know what it is , but can we just get it together and move on ?
Communication skills can be learned . They are not innate . You're not born with the ability . You're born with the ability to talk a lot of times , but not the ability to listen , and so communication skills are something that you can get better at . You can read books about how to communicate . You can hear podcasts about how to communicate .
You can work on your communication skills , have family meetings , times where you sit down together . We've done a bunch of podcasts about family meetings and sitting down and talking , communication is the lifeblood of the marriage , of the relationship , and our hope is that you'll take these three principles and it will make you have a stronger marriage .
Amen .
We're out of time for today , guys , we enjoyed being with you . Guys , as always , we would love to hear from you . Stop right there right now . If you have not subscribed , make sure you do so right now . Hit the icon button so you can be the first to get the content when it's released every Thursday at 3 pm Eastern Standard Time .
But use the comment section . Shoot us over some questions . Let us know what was the main thing that you took out of today ? What was the main thing that you took out of today ? What was the thing that God spoke to you ? Not about your spouse , even about the things that you can do . Which one of these three principles are you like ? You know what ?
I've got to really work on that one . I got to get hold of it and we would love to hear from you . We're creating this online family where we can just do life together . No perfect people here .
What we're trying to do is share with you our good , our bad and ugly , and let the principles of God's word illuminate and elevate so that we can have the tools to have better relationships and a closer walk with Jesus . We love
¶ Episode Closing and Final Encouragement
you . Guys . If you're ever in the Florida area , come and worship with us at Alive Church . For more information about Alive Church Also our conference that we do called Alive Conference you can go to our website . We have a few devotionals If you want to have a closer walk with Jesus . We've created some books and devotionals and also some boot camps .
Browse through and see if any of those tools would be a blessing to you and until next time we'll see you . We'll see you soon , peace .