Hey , welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We are so pumped that you're tuning into this podcast . It has been designed for people just like you . We want to do life with you , share our wins , our defeats , our ups and our downs , in hopes that you'll grow closer to God and to the people that you love in your life .
Sit back and enjoy today's podcast . Hey , what's up everybody ? Hey , everyone , welcome to another episode of Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . Tabitha's here and she has her favorite earrings in and I just want to acknowledge her beauty . Before we get started today , I need you to acknowledge this girl's earrings . They are my favorite .
Why are they your favorite earrings ?
Because they're long and dangly and I'm like it's the only pair I have that's like this long , so I'm like I must get more .
You got to get more . I'll . Get you more , I'll put that as a side note of things that you like .
Thank you .
I want you to go fly girl . You remember , fly girl from .
In Living Color . I want you to go hoop . I don't need to go that big probably , but I know what you're talking about .
Love you , sweetheart . You are amazing . Happy to be married to you . For those of you all who are new to our show , welcome . We are Ken and . Tabitha , we have been married we are about to celebrate y'all 25 years of marriage next week . Drum roll , come on somebody Fireworks I'm talking about . It has been the best 23 years of our lives .
Those of you all who know our story . The first two years is absolutely horrible , but we've learned a lot we have , we've grown , we know a thing or , two , because we've seen a thing or two .
We're wiser .
And now we are ready to help people not go through the drama that we've went through Absolutely , and so that's what our podcast is about . This podcast , of course , first is a marriage and relationship podcast , but it's not just that .
It's a personal growth podcast , and so there are single people here , married people here , old people here , young people here , american people here , people that are not American here . We're just one big , happy family , and our goal is this is to help you grow closer to God , but also to the people that God has placed in your life .
We pray all the time God , send us the people that you want to connect with us , to be a part of this tribe that we can bring value to their life . So I don't know how you got this podcast , but I believe it's the work of God and we just want to say welcome , thank you Absolutely .
We're praying for you and we're just praying that you can be blessed by this . So let's go today , yeah .
Hey , if you're new to our podcast , hit the subscribe button and we want you to be the first to get the content as it's released . And also , if you're ever in Florida , you gotta come worship with us , man . We have campuses in Orlando Florida , gainesville , florida , and we also are starting a new campus in Tampa , florida .
If you know people in those cities , tell them to come worship with us at Alive Church . We will love you because we love God , and I know that it will be life-changing for you all right . You know , last week we talked about the God first life and we said you know what I want to do this week ? Because we're celebrating 25 years of marriage on July 3rd .
All right .
I want to share with everybody 25 marriage principles that we've learned over 25 years . Okay , before we dive into the principles , I want you to rate me on a scale of one to 10 . How have I been ?
over 25 years of marriage Be truthful .
You're not going to hurt my feelings . I don't want your polished answer .
That's hard . How can I rate you ?
I mean , it's very easy on a scale of one to 10 , 10 being perfect . How have I been , as a husband , over , over over our marriage ?
Nine .
Nine . Okay , why do you say that ?
Okay , 25 years . How have you been ? I mean commutative years , let's say like where you are right now . Nine , um , maybe over 25 years , the first two years being like way down there in the ones , and twos , um , probably way down there .
One so are the first two years of our marriage .
You would rank me as one or two yeah , as a husband okay , yeah , yeah okay , two , three all right , um , and then I mean I was probably the same way as a wife and honestly , if you were to rank me so average eight , maybe 25-year total average eight , I'd say 8.5 .
There is no way that over 25 years , a two-year average of one or two and a 23-year track at a nine equals an eight . You are asking me the question . I'm just saying , though that doesn't equal an eight .
What does it equal ?
Two years of one or two and 23 years of a nine .
Okay . So anyway , I'm going to say nine , okay , nine because . I think that you're not perfect , so I'm not even going to put perfection on you . You don't have to stand up , be perfect . But nine because there's always room for growth and I think you are continuing to grow . But nine . Can I say why ?
Okay , so why is because you put God first , you seek God first . And I think you know , even in the beginning , when it wasn't good , you weren't putting God first . I wasn't putting God first , we didn't know enough .
You know , like we were so spiritually immature that you know we weren't putting God first , I wasn't putting God first , we didn't know enough , we were so spiritually immature that we weren't putting God first . But when we got an understanding , when we got a revelation of who God was , we both went from one level to another level .
We both just jumped on the train like the Jesus train and was like take me , jesus train . That actually should be a company Instead of Amtrak we should have the Jesus train that would be wonderful , taking you straight to heaven , no stop .
And the thing about the Jesus train is that it's free of charge , all you got to do is surrender . That's a great train .
I feel like it should be like a kid's song or something at least Um okay , um , what do you feel like over these 25 years ?
And just be honest Um what is what has been my weakest point as ? A husband or the areas that you would say I need to grow in or improve in the most ?
Um , ooh , that's a good question , hon , hon , you're making me really think deep . Uh , um , I think it might . Honestly , I don't have an answer . My answer would be in personal growth and like you're growing with god .
Um , because I can speak for myself , like , like , the growth that I need as a parent is honestly , or as a parent , or as a wife , is like personal growth with God .
As I grow with God , I become a better wife , I become a better parent , I become a better pastor , and so , I don't know , over the years , as you've matured , um , in wisdom , overcoming faith challenges , faith battles , you , you know , grew in ministry and and all of that stuff .
I've seen you grow in every areas , every area of your life I don't think that's an answer um okay , well , think about it . I'm not gonna force you to come up with yeah um I don't sit around thinking about how is god can weak and what can I ?
yeah , what does he need to work on ? I'm just saying that .
I mean I think you can probably speak on your own weaknesses , like I can tell you where I'm weak and things that I need to you know well , I don't know .
I think that there's probably a lot of married people that they're blind to their weaknesses and they are focused on their spouse's weaknesses . Cause the scripture says that you're trying to cast a log out of their eye , but you have one in yours , or ?
something like that . You know what I mean . Splinter out of your brother's eye , but you have a log in your own .
And sometimes we're so . You know , marriage is funny because you get the honor of what I call close proximity , and in close proximity all of my idiosyncrasies and weaknesses are magnified . And the people that we see on social media . We only see their strengths Like . We only see them with their hair done .
We only see them with their best clothes on , we only see them their polished self . But we don't see their private areas , and so to me I kind of got lost in that statement a little bit .
Where you were talking about how you know the things that we just expressed , and this goes to . It's not to toot my own horn or to toot our own horn , but really seeking God first . In ministry , we've had a lot of wise people pour into our lives over the years and teach us things , but listening to the Word of God as well . But it's just like you .
It's really hard for me to sit here and think about something that you need to work on and where you're weak and all of those things . But I did say , but I can tell you where I'm weak . But I'm not focusing on when I pray for you . I'm not praying about God's strength and His weaknesses and pointing out the weak .
I'm praying God , help them be strong , give them wisdom like Solomon , a heart towards you like David .
Well , I feel like that's a whole , almost a spiritual fruit that you've developed that we need to do like a podcast on how you do that .
Yeah , it's work .
Well , you make it sound easy , but for many people they're like . All they could think about is what they don't like about their selves , and their weaknesses are glaring to them , and that's why they have irreconcilable differences , because all they can see is their negative traits . I've trained myself to see the positive .
I've trained myself over the years to not look at your faults but , to celebrate the good things about you and in fact , like right now I'm training myself . I've gotten a little negative in the things that I say and the words that I say and so I found myself I'm silly , okay , and I'll do things like dag nabbit .
You know , I'll just say , and just today I was just like I've got to start working on being positive . Now this is really dumb , but it's almost , like you know , one of those Christian curse words . You know , like it's something negative that I'm saying is not positive and I think it's funny in a joke , but I said it like 10 times dag nabbit , dag nabbit .
Because I'm like , oh my gosh , I forgot my polish , oh my gosh , I forgot you know something at home and I kept saying dag nabbit , dag nabbit .
You mean out of frustration .
Yeah , out of frustration , just saying , like negativity , it's murmuring and complaining , like you know I'm being . You know I'm just saying it's a murmur and a complaint to me and in my relationship with the Holy Spirit and he's trying to develop me saying , okay , that's a murmur , that you know you're complaining there .
And so I'm taking that word out of my mouth . I'm developing that same thing right now too , Just being a positive person . It might've started because a few days you were being so negative and I said you need to go on a 30 day negativity fast . Did you take me up on that ? Is that what ?
You're doing , I was already doing it before you said it , and you started to rub it in .
No , I wasn't rubbing it in , you were . My job is just no , I very lovingly say but you were right . It would be a good idea for you to go on a 30 day fast from negativity the lifelong like this ain't 30 days . I'm doing this forever , like , yeah , well , I'm just saying 30 days will start off forever .
It'll get you in that practice , like we said , because isn't it ?
Philippians 4 ? I think it's like 8 . It says think on things that are lovely , pure , good rapport . That takes discipline and like a daily choice and I think that , especially in marriage , you can get so negative so fast to where everything is negative your kids , your job , I have negative people . You can work with negative people .
There can be negative , just negative vibe all around you , like what they just haven't learned the discipline of looking at that which is pure and positive , and you really need that in the marriage context . So I'm doing the same thing , just so you know .
Wow , that's really good . That's good , that's like I love your lips . Oh , thank you .
You're welcome , you know , because I'm just I'm , I'm just I'm loving your hair and the way that you're looking . You got to glow about you and I'm really just focusing on the things that I love . And you think it's funny , why are you smiling ?
It like with your eyes glowing and stuff and I'm like , oh my goodness . Yeah , yeah Well , thank you .
I'm doing a good job , but you know you started to talk about , but I don't want to no , let's not , let's not . We got 25 principles .
Oh , we do , we do , okay , and these , 25 principles .
We have put them in a bowl . We have taken 25 principles a grass bowl and we have put them here . So we're going to talk about these principles very , very randomly , and so , as I pull out a principle , I just want you to go after it . Okay , 25 years of marriage , y'all . We are celebrating 25 years of marriage on July the 3rd .
Y'all , remember us , jump on social media and tell us congratulations or , better yet , come party with us . If you want to fly into Orlando . It's a great place to spend the 4th of July . Or you can come in on July 3rd , fly out on the 4th in the morning , but we're having a party and we know how to party .
I'm talking about if you don't come , you're going to say , man , I wish I would have came and we're going to have dancing . We're going to have some good food . We're going to have some special guests and we're also going to take all of the proceeds and pay them forward into an organization called Wishful Thinking that help women and men overcome cancer .
They minister to families as they're going through cancer and Tabitha is going to be celebrating three years of being cancer free and they are the organization that supported us while me and my family were going through her overcoming cancer .
They fed us , they cooked food for us , they prayed for us , they ministered to us and we want to be a great blessing to them . If you want more information about our 25th year anniversary and vow renewal ceremony coming up on July the 3rd , please make sure you check out the show notes . Here we go Drum roll , please Give me a drum roll .
Give me a drum roll . Bada bing , bada , boom .
You like that drum roll ? That's good . I went really hard with it man .
We're going off the deep end , y'all . Principle Number one , 25 principles , here they come into intimacy is more than sex . Yes , it is , talk about it .
I think you know , intimacy starts with um conversation , it starts with compliments , it starts um affirming one another , loving one another , approving of one another , being there for one another .
It's better when it comes from a place of intimacy . If sex is just the physical part , well then that's not good sex . Good sex is really when there's such a close bond that we love each other and we honor each other , and the physical part is the expression of that honor and that closeness .
That we have with each other .
And so I think it's important not to get it confused . And we're on a mission to make Christian sex great again , Married Christian . I got to put a whole tagline We'll make married Christian sex great again .
That's what Christian sex is married sex .
Yeah , but not everybody is doing that .
There are some Christians out there .
That's not understanding that it's for the marriage of bad principle number two . We didn't understand it way back then . My body is not my own .
My body is not my own . Ooh , that's really good for me being a wife , I think for the man , and the man and the wife is particularly when it comes to sex .
I think one thing we do in our marriage is that , you know , neither one of us kind of I guess my body's not my own and so I forfeit my right as a wife to say no , I don't want to have sex right now .
Talk about that a little bit , cause I feel like sometimes when women hear that , they get so offended because , it's my body , it's my right .
But the Bible says that's not what the Bible says . That's a political statement , but that's not a biblical statement .
The Bible says that when you get married don't deny each other unless it's for you're in agreement to give yourself to fasting and prayer . But can we kind of make it that real practical ?
Well , I love it . Don't deny each other . Women . Don't deny your husband , husband , don't deny your wife .
Now I mean , yes , there's that time of the month , there's you know , like there's things like we're not talking about ridiculous stuff , like there's times when you're really tired and I know you're not in the mood and I might suggest but then I read your body language and there's times when you're really tired and I know you're not in the mood and I'll just
leave you alone and most of the time , if I'm not in the mood and you help me get in the mood , I'm glad that you did Praise God for that .
Praise the Lord .
Well , I thought she was going to say the same . Yeah Well , yeah , it's the same thing , I'm not forcing you to say it , but I'm saying is there ever a time where you're not in the mood ? But I get you in the mood and you're like absolutely Well .
The Bible works , yeah , yeah , I mean know if you know that . I don't know if a lot of wives know that , you know husbands know that . But I actually enjoy if you're putting in some effort toward me and like , yeah , I'm not in the mood .
Help me get in the mood . Come on , I don't know about that . Most husbands would be like she's giving me such a cold shoulder . Let me just go over here and just sit it out . Yeah , take a cold shower and calm down .
That's , you know , for me , and I know that , and I don't think wives want their husbands to feel like that , though I don't know . I don't think wives want their husbands to feel rejected and to know what it , what the vulnerability of stepping out there but then being rejected and again and again , and again . So the principle there don't deny each other .
Okay , here's the next one . Pay your affection bill daily . Pay your affection bill .
That's great , I think . When I think about that , I think of really the husbands . Oh , the Bible says that the husbands , oh , the wives , their due affection , and whatever the wives love language in Is like I love kisses , I love touches . You cannot touch me enough , you cannot , I love touches .
You cannot touch me enough , you cannot kiss me enough , you cannot hold me enough like I want to cuddle , you know , like I just love that . Um , you know , saying that I'm beautiful um , you're touching you enough ? I always will . My response forever will be no , you don't touch me enough .
I want you to touch me well , you or you , you , you I feel like you're just like a firecracker I , but you don't , you know . But I mean , yes , I get hot , I have some hot flashes , you know . Praise the lord you know they're going .
Yeah , why don't you just come touch me ? I do okay all right , but you got to pay the affection bill .
Yes , pay the affection .
Oh , here's a good one . Divorce is not an option . Bada bing , bada boom .
Cut it out yeah , divorce is not an option , I think , when it comes to being a believer and putting God first . We understand we don't want to get divorced .
We really don't want to .
I mean , we don't want to get divorced . Just don't say it . It's not in my vocabulary , we don't talk about divorce , we don't think about divorce . It's just not an option .
Yeah , I mean , it makes you work out what you got . If you always have this option . Well , I could leave , or I could have somebody better . Well then , subconsciously , you're going to begin to look for those , and I believe it keeps you lukewarm .
It keeps you lukewarm in your marriage , you know you . You know you always , because there's an option that well , what if ? What if this the grass is always greener on the other side there's been abuse , abandonment or adultery , but other stuff yeah , like yeah , divorce ain't an option for us .
No , divorce is not an option . We had to put that on the table many years ago , because then it makes you work on what you got absolutely , and so let you , I want you to pick some okay , I want to pick some because I'm . Yeah , you want to talk , I do .
Communication is the lifeblood to the relationship . Hey , perfect for you .
It is . If you stop talking , you'll stop being close . Communication is like in most of us . We need to go to like a communication class or read books on communication , because communication is the lifeblood to the relationship , meaning that if you take the blood out of my body , I'm no longer living .
If you take the communication out of our marriage , the marriage is going to die . If you don't talk to God through communication , you don't have a good relationship with him . Communication is not nagging , it's not fussing , it's not fighting . I need to understand you .
We need to have dialogue consistently , and so we need to have specific times we call them family meetings where we are talking deeply about all the things on our team . Just like you have company meetings , you've got team meetings . You need to have family meetings . Anything else come to you . Nope , that's good . Okay , you want to go to the next one .
I want to go to the next one .
You just want me to answer these questions . Marriage is a service .
Marriage is a service . Talk about that . Yeah , I feel like we were just talking about that last week and this is a huge one because many people get married and I did this for what you could do for me .
I got married . It's true .
I liked the way you cooked and I liked your booty and your boobies and I liked all that stuff and really and I still do , but it was all for me .
It was completely selfish . I got married because you made me happy . You gave me security . I liked the way you made me feel it was all about me .
And that's why a lot of people don't stay married longer , because they don't transition to the place where marriage is really not about me , it's about we . And it's really not about you meeting my needs .
It's about how can I meet your needs and if you can ever come to the place where you understand that marriage is you serving your spouse , how can I make your dreams come to pass ? How can I encourage you , build you up , protect you , think well of you , do for you , get you breakfast , so forth and so on . And if a person says what about me ?
That's the problem You're focused on you Exactly . So you have to believe that the servant is the greatest meaning , that , as you do your part , god's going to make sure that you're taken care of , whether it be from your spouse or in another way .
I'm reminded of what Jesus said . He said I didn't come to be served , I came to serve , and I think we need to go to the altar like that . I'm not coming to be served , I'm coming to serve .
We should almost like we're going to start to put out some premarital counseling information to where people can actually go through a course that we're creating here to do premarital counseling . We should call it pre-service counseling , because you're about to sign up for a life of service .
Come on , you say how do you feel about your waiter at your restaurant or your waitress at your restaurant ? You're about to sign up for a life of that . That's what marriage is . It's a life of being a waiter , it's a life of running errands for each other , and if you enter into it with that kind of heart , you're going to have a good marriage .
If you enter into it with a selfish heart , it's going to tear your relationship up .
Let's go to the next one . Opposites attract relationship up . Let's go to the next one . Opposites attract , then opposites attack .
Yeah , this is a principle that we've taught because that's what we see happen many times . This is not a prophetic statement , because we believe opposites attract and then you're going to learn something , so you don't attack each other . Naturally speaking , opposites attract and then we start to attack them for not being us .
You know what I'm saying First we love them because they're not like us and they're so different and they wow us , but then they get on our nerves because they're not like us .
Yeah , so if you ever get on my nerves , it's because you're not like me . Does it feel the same way in ?
your camp ?
Yeah , you don't drive how I would drive . You don't think how I would think .
You don't respond , you don't do the dishes the way I would do the dishes . Yeah , definitely .
And so opposites attract . But then if you don't mature , then opposites will attack and say well , it's because you're not smart , or you're not as wise , or you don't think ahead , or you don't plan , you're not timely , and so you're now attacking it , when actually many times , when you first get married , you actually think that's what's cute about them .
Oh she's so playful and she's so fun loving , but then after you get married for 10 years , you never own time , you never take anything serious . It's the same attributes , but now a different perspective .
And it's so good to know this as a husband and wife , because these are the reasons why people get divorced Because they think , oh , we're not compatible , oh , I married the wrong person . No , you're just like everybody else , you're just opposite , and first you loved it and now you're attacking it .
When you flip your mentality or your perspective on the situation , you begin to correct .
And you've got to grow together . There's too much of this happening in marriages where it's growing apart . Got separate friends , separate hobbies , separate worlds . Of course you're going to get a divorce . They do some things together . There's some principles .
It's fun to grow together .
We need to do some new stuff .
We do Well . I've been saying for a long time we would be a great pickleball player .
I believe , because I play tennis and I'm good at ping pong .
I'm like why would you say that ?
It's not a statement of arrogance , it's a statement of confidence .
I think I'm going to be a great pickleball player .
You know people mistake confidence for arrogance and people need .
you need to have confidence in who you are . That's one of the things that I loved about you was your confidence . Do I want somebody that's not ?
confident . Listen , you can have confidence and humility at the same time , matter of fact , you need to have humility , and from that I'm not going to preach on that . Give me another principle .
You got another one Always say I love you .
That's easy . But it's not easily done all the time , and so this is just the principle of just always keeping this in the house . Yeah , you know what I love right now ? I love that our kids say I love you all the time .
I love it .
Because that's all they've ever heard .
We all , you know all the time I love you , kay , love you . You know it could be 10 times a day . Did you hear that ? A lot growing up .
No , how often do you feel like ?
once in a year , the so like once , you never .
Never the first time .
I heard somebody say I love you was from you know , like a 16 year old boy when I was 14 dating someone , and now that was the wrong thing and that's why you got in and that's why I was in an abusive relationship , controlling all of that stuff , because I was thirsty for somebody to say that they love me .
But the first person to say they love me was controlling .
And that's crazy .
I didn't know that , yes , sir .
Never heard somebody say I love you .
You heard your grandmother say no , my , I knew that my grandmother loved me . I knew that she did because she , my grandmother , was like , for lack of better , like medea , like like gangster .
My grandmother was german , okay , my grandma , I mean my grandma , my grandmother was german , so she , I mean , she was big you know um just strong boisterous yeah , boisterous , would cuss you out like a professional , like you know , um , so that's so , but so she wasn't . you know , we didn't grow up like that .
Like you know , we we're the kind of family like if I'm down the street , my grandma would holler out , tabi , you know like , and we just yelled at each other . We're very loud and things like that . So I knew that she loved me , but saying I love you just wasn't something that we did .
Man , I got to admit that you know my parents . I think I heard I loved you quite a bit . Not as much as I know we do it in our house now , but I know that I heard it quite a bit . It's amazing , you know when you're raised in a good home , how much you can take it for granted . I really encourage somebody listening to this .
If you were raised in a good home , you should reach out and let your parents and grandparents know how much you appreciate them and don't take them for granted . But right now we're in a season where our kids like I , dropped them off for school and they can have bad attitudes . I'm talking about stink the whole thing up , but still get out of love you .
Yeah , love you .
Yeah , there are so many , there's probably 10 . I love yous .
In a day floating through our house somewhere .
And I think that's a great principle what else you got ?
I love that one . Okay , never treat your spouse like one of the kids . Ooh , I want to talk about that one Okay .
So , yeah , I mean especially as a wife .
You know I get into the mode I'm talking to this child and then that child , and then the other child , and then you step in the room and I'm talking to you too . And it's funny because and I love this about you Like I am an A type personality , like you know , I'm kind of bossy and I know it .
And you know you step in the kitchen , I'm bossing you too , but you will give me the look like I'm the boss above all .
He'll give me the look like woman .
Hold up now , woman , calm down , Recognize who you talking Like he didn't even have to say anything . He'll give me the look . But it's funny . I love it though , because I'm not doing it on purpose . You know what I mean . But I'm just like , hey , baby , how you doing .
But now , back in the day , you know I would find , take off your shoes and I'm putting all of these rules on you , and what I found is that I got fruit that I didn't like , that you started to withdraw from me . You started to .
When you came in the door , instead of you know being happy , come in and find me to give me a kiss , you like oh my gosh , what do I do now ? Let me sneak upstairs so that I can like kind of take a second to myself . I don't want .
All right , here it is . Here's another one Principle 25 years of marriage . This one is simple , it's three words have sex . Often we can't say that enough . That's just because we do so much .
Marriage ministry and people aren't having they're not having sex as much as they should maybe and I'm not here to be the sex police and to try to tell people you know their sexual rhythm , of what they should do , but I do believe every couple needs to sit down and need to have an honest conversation about their sex expectations , like how much in this marriage
do you want to have sex ? and let the husband say well , I want to have it every every two or three days probably , and then the wife say , well , I would like to have it once a week . Okay , well , where can we meet in the middle here ? Let's set some expectation have sex . If you got to plan it , put it on a schedule . We're going to have sex .
Mondays and Wednesdays and Fridays or we're going to have sex every Thursday at least , so then you can have something in your schedule where you know you're going to get some . Then you can have other , what I call organic sex , which is basically we didn't plan this . Is it organic or spontaneous ?
It's spontaneous . I was like that's a new one , yeah organic sex .
You should write a book called . Organic Sex You'll probably sell .
Everyone wants to have organic , isn't it like naturally organic ?
Yeah , yeah , yeah , that's good .
Anyway .
But yeah , talk to me very quickly from a woman's perspective . Having sex often , Is that important to you ?
Yeah , I think it's important and I think that you know , a lot of women write into us and they say something that I really love it , that they say it's a compliment , but they say I just want to look at my husband , the way she looks at her husband , and a lot of that is because you're seeing our chemistry , you're seeing our attraction toward one another and
the intimacy that we have toward one another . A lot of that chemistry is that our sexual relationship , the intimacy that we have together . I find that if we go a long time and you know we don't have sex or like you know , maybe babies and things like that in the we go a long time and we don't have sex , we do I lose that butterfly feeling .
I start to lose that like that , yeah , where I'm pressed to be in your presence . Like you know , I kind of lose that .
But when we have sex , often you know , I'm always like let me make sure I'm fresh , let me go brush my teeth , let me , you know , put on some of my essential oils right now I'm always on my game because it just keeps that level of attraction and that level of ooh , that chemistry . I want that If you don't want that fine , but I want that in life .
Girl , you preaching now I'm telling you we could stop right there , Drop the mic and stay there .
But we got 21 principles to get through . I got one . Everyone knows where everyone goes . Come on .
So this is just a principle that we've applied to our marriage long time ago , long time ago . Our pastors taught us this principle , and the principle is this is that I'm not going to come home at 10 o'clock or 11 o'clock or not come home . I'm going to be out somewhere 11 o'clock and you don't know where I am .
I'm out somewhere at midnight and you don't know where I am . I'm out hanging out with the boys and you don't know where I am . That's childishness . When I became a man , I put away childish things . So we are a team and my , my role is to be accountable to you . You can you know when I'm coming .
You can count like I'm talking about decades of accountability . You know exactly where I am . You know where I'm coming home .
Absolutely . Why wouldn't I ? You know ? Like you know , it's like no I , you are my business and I am your business . Like you know , the two have become one , like there's no secrets here Come on no sitting passwords . No hitting phones .
Here's one . It's not my money or your money , it's our money .
Absolutely . Even though we both have jobs , um , or even if one of us has a job and the other one may be staying at home taking care of children and things like that , it's still all of our money . It's . You know , what's mine is yours .
What you got over there .
It's can't like .
You had something else you wanted to say about that ? No .
I was going to say something , but when you said it I was like , yeah , let's move on and just whatever I mean .
It is what it is . It is what it is . We got our money . The clade of I don't care if you don't have a job , if I have a job , we have a job , we're making money . It's not because you're out there and she's nothing with the kids and so forth and so on . That woman is incapable , anointed and smart .
You just have to be she's in this season or he is being delegated to do something different . But it's our money .
Go ahead , move on , move on . Like can be a first step back into love .
Okay , I'll talk about this one . Like can be a first step back into love . Many people nowadays they feel like they're falling out of love and I always say what does falling have to do with it ? Because love should be something that you grow into . It's not an accident that I'm just tripping into love and I'm tripping out of love .
No , it's something that I'm growing into and so that you got to grow out of . But if you're here in the place where you feel like you have fallen out of love , what we've learned over the years is that taking a step towards like is a huge step towards love . Start to be best friends again , man . Start to go to games together .
Start to take a class together . Start to fix each other favorite foods and know each other's passions again . Start to like each other . Don't just put your like out to the people that you work with and the people that are in your family and your cousins and these people . No , start to like your spouse again .
Figure out things that you can do , because like is a huge first step back into love .
Absolutely .
How about this one Marriage is something that you don't get out of alive . That means that it's till death do ?
you part .
That's all that that means . And I think when we first got married , I felt like if it got too hard , I was gone . If it got too difficult .
I mean , I'm young .
I made a mistake . It's okay , I'll just get a divorce and move on . But when I stood before God's altar and said this was going to be till , death do you part ? Marriage is something that you don't get out of a lie .
It's a covenant . It is a life sentence , Not in a negative way but in a loyalty way . Yeah .
Faithfulness , way yeah , covenant way . That's all okay , that's all . Yeah , what else you got ? Never hold a grudge , we get through these things . Baby never hold a grudge , and you've done well at that .
You've done so good at that I think um you're crazy if I were to speak on the behalf of women . I think it's . It's . We tend to hold grudges . Yeah , we can . It's easy for a woman to hold a grudge . I don't know if it's how . Somehow you know the way that god made us like . Like we remember things .
You know , we will remember what you had on the , what you smelled , like , what you had on your plate when you said it . Like we remember stuff and I think it . You know that's a gift to remember , because now , as your wife , I'm going to bring you , say , baby , this is what God told me to do . I'm going to tell you you wore this when you told me .
We were sitting down , you were eating this food , and God said this . And I remember every word that God said and I'm going to bring it up and bring it up until we birth that baby in the earth . So it's a good thing , but it's a bad thing If we hold on to . Grudges hurts bitterness , those things that are ungodly , because those contaminate our soul .
I just believe there's somebody who's listening , watching that you are judging other people based upon the past trauma that you've been through and I'm seeing this happen more and more that you are projecting what you've been through on other men .
You've been through things with men , but now there are certain triggers and you will just judge that man and you will project all of the emotions of prior men onto this man . And it's not that that man is bad . It's that you've not let go of the grudge you have to get healed of trauma . And there's what I call judgment , comparisons and wrong conclusions .
And just because you're feelings and you've got all these feelings doesn't mean that it's true .
Yes .
That's why you need people around you , and the only way to get healed from that and this is not just for a woman , it's going to be for a man- too , the only way to get healed is you got to identify . I got some real junk in the trunk and I need to get healed because my lenses are foggy .
Right , I'll speak to that as well . You know I've had a lot of trauma in the past and you have done a great job for me in OK . So if I'm feeling something towards someone , I will come to you and say , hey , this is what I'm thinking . And then you will minister to me about it .
You'll give me the correct way to see , understand in certain areas , especially , you know , a long time ago . There are certain areas of my life because I was sexually abused , physically abused , verbally abused .
So when it comes to a man maybe saying something or doing things , I will go to him because I know I'm not seeing right in that area because of the trauma , the past trauma that was in my life . It's like you can come some . That experience , you know , can cause you to literally see wrong . You are not viewing this from the right perspective .
Take off the trauma and then you'll be able to see right . So I'll go to you and say , hey , babe , this is what I'm thinking and you will minister to me . And then I got to take that ministry and do something with it . But it's real .
And it's not just for marriage . You can have judgment , comparison and wrong conclusions for people that you work with .
Yeah , they might remind you . They look just like that ex-boyfriend .
People you work with , people that you're in ministry with . There is so much drama and dissension by misunderstanding , and we got to grow up .
Yeah , yeah .
Hey , I got one for you . Okay , let's see , let's see , let's see what this one is . It says close the door . Does that mean anything to you ?
Close the door .
The principle of close the door .
I don't know , I'll tell you , I got it , what does it mean ?
Well , there was a time where David had his window open or his door open looking at Bathsheba . And you know what the greatest door is nowadays .
This right here .
And I think this is a door or a window that a lot of people close . Maybe it should be close the window . I messed up on that one , so it's close the window , not close the door , Close the window .
Yeah , he was looking out the window .
You all on your explore page doing this to people's boobs , doing this to people's belly buttons , doing this to people's nails and feet and stuff . You all this looking through people , and people put their stuff out nowadays , but you got to close the window and the window might not be here Sometimes it's at work . You let somebody touch you emotionally .
The window might be somebody that you see and it's like why am I so attracted to this person ? And I'm married . You got to close the window . David was supposed to be out to battle at a time where the Kings were supposed to be out to battle .
He was at home and he was in the wrong place , wrong position , and Bathsheba caught his attention because he had his window open . If he would have closed the window , he wouldn't have fell into sin .
The curse wouldn't have came into his family .
You got to close the window .
That's good . What else you got ? That one you spell marriage work W-O-R-K .
W-O-R-K . You've been working this thing for 25 years . Come , working this thing for 25 years , come on , has it been ? It's been good work , though , but it's been work .
It's good . You're going to have to work regardless .
Watch the principle , though , people Marriage equals work .
How do ?
you spell marriage . It is not M-A-R-R-I-A-G-E . Did I do good ?
You did good .
It's two R's-R-K Marriage is work and a lot of people .
They get married and they're like why is ?
this so hard Because it's work . But you can work it and God's going to give you the grace . His grace is sufficient for you to work your field that you're in to make your marriage blossom .
Exactly . We get married and we think it's going to be a fairy tale . You're going to be swept off your feet , walk into the sunset and everything's going to be great . It's all hard when you have kids . It's work , I mean everything's . I'm thinking about getting a dog right now . I don't want to get a dog because it's going to be extra work for me .
Y'all write in right now . Tell this woman don't get a dog .
I want a dog .
We travel , we all over the place . I don't , I don't dog go to daniella's house .
They got dogs , jacob got peaches my name is peaches and I'm the best . If I get a dog , she needs to have it be well behaved like peaches that peaches is good .
We don't name our dog peaches as well , but anyway , oh , here's one more . See your spouse how god sees them . All right , that's good . And then what I've , what I've realized , is that if I don't see you how god sees them , All right , that's good .
And then what I've realized is that if I don't see you how God sees you , I cannot treat you how God's called me to treat you . And so if I see you how God sees you , he sees you as his daughter , and I got to treat you like you're God's daughter .
That means you're royalty , and if you treat your wife like she's royalty , there are certain things that you do not say or do to royalty .
Same with your husband If you treat him like he's royalty . There's a certain posture and position that you come when you see them how .
God sees them . Period . You have to sow there before you go there . Yes , ma'am , wow , talk about that one Pertaining to marriage .
you have to sow there before you go there . Oh , probably , you know . If I want you to treat me better , I'm going to first start by treating you better . So I'm going to sow there before I go there .
Well , a lot of people . They want to harvest without sowing the seed . I want to have a relationship and a marriage like Ken and Tabitha . But are you willing to do what Ken ? And Tabitha has done to get us to this quarter of a century .
It's worth it . Do what you got to do . It is worth it .
But many people say you know , we talk about like getting a massage table or doing family nights , or how she did Ken's night and she would give me a massage a little pedicure and people would be like I ain't doing that for him . Well , don't expect to have any harvest . You got to sow there before you go there .
You have to be willing to do things that you haven't done to get what you don't have .
I just think like . I just want to say this quick , like , as my husband , I love you . You know what I mean . You're my husband . I want you to feel like you're the best husband in the world .
You get one wife in the earth right , I'm her .
There ain't nobody else baby .
You hear me . Look at my eyes , I see you girl .
Nobody else , nobody else One wife , I want you to know what it's like . I want you to be in heaven like yeah , I remember when I was on earth , even though heaven's way better than what earth would ever be , but I want you to be like yeah , my wife rubbed my feet . Yeah my wife rubbed my feet , my wife gave me full body massages .
My wife would rub my head and you love it when I massage your scalp . I just want you to know what it's like to have that experience . To be like yeah , I'm a king .
I got a queen in the earth . I want to be like Jesus hooked me up when I was in the earth . Yes , he brought me a good thing for sure . I don't want to be in heaven like Jesus . What were you thinking with this trifling ratchet chick ? I want to be like thank you .
Jesus is going to be like this is the wife that you chose . Yeah , that's what he's going to be like .
You're the one who chose it . I know people are jacked at relationships , but you chose that . Yeah , you chose that . Nobody made you .
Nobody put a gun to your head to the altar .
So you got to figure this out . How about this one ? The grass is not greener on . Did I already say that the grass is not greener on the other side ? So water your own grass I love that one .
A lot of people are looking at the grass and other people's lawn and saying , man , look at how great their grass is , while your grass is all brown and the truth is you just water your own grass . I don't need to look at another person's marriage or another person's wife .
I just need to take care of my own and watch you blossom and harvest and everything that's so good . Yeah , what you got , okay .
Love loves like it's never been hurt before . I love that one . That's great . So I think that's the principle of forgiveness forgiveness , you know . So if , if you hurt me now , you know we want to build up walls . Well , I'm never going to do that again . I've said that maybe you've . You know , we've been in situations where you've done something .
You responded in a way that like , and I said to myself I'm never going to do that again . That's , we can't do that . I put up a wall , a wall of hurt , a wall of bitterness , and it can turn into things and snowball , and I don't want that in my life . But love loves like it's never been hurt before . So now I'm going . That's where the Bible .
I think that turning the cheek , turning the other cheek , like it's not like oh yeah , I'm turning other cheek , go ahead and hit me again . You know I don't want you to hit me again , but I'm giving you a clean slate . I'm giving you the chance to . You know I'm going to love you . I don't know if I made sense with that .
It's okay , because we got another one Praise God , here's one .
Your spouse comes before your kids , bada bing .
Wow , people don't like that one .
Why not ?
I don't know . It's not saying that you abuse your kids or neglect your kids , or you don't pick up a crying baby or you don't . It's not saying any of that . It just says that the priority is the foundation of the marriage , is the husband and wife .
Can I say something into the camera that I know is going to get ?
me in trouble .
I want to say something to you that I know is going to get me in trouble . Some of us has made our kids an idol , and your kids were not given to you for them to become an idol , that's so true . They were given to you so that you could raise them up to be men and women of God . So when they're old , they will not depart .
But they are to go on and when we start talking about putting your marriage before your kids . It is a biblical principle .
It is a spiritual thing . You can go to the word of God and there is no way that you cannot run from the honor of the marriage covenant . Okay , and it's not saying like you said . It's not talking about neglecting your kids or hurting your kids . We love our kids . We will die for our kids . So what does it ?
mean ? It means like , okay , we have three kids , each of them has three different activities that they're doing . We do so much for our kids all day , every day . We don't have family meetings , we don't have date nights , we don't have intimacy we might have sex every once in a while because we do everything for our kids .
That's how you put the kids before your marriage . What you do now , what we've done , is that , okay , we have three kids . Okay , here , here's how it's going to go . You're going to pick one activity at a time . You want to play basketball , basketball . You want to play track , track . You can do it in different seasons , but same season , one sport per season .
Then okay , because mommy and daddy's going to have date night .
Because we have to prioritize our communication 60-year-old people back on the market on Tinder or something because they didn't keep their relationship , their covenant , at the center . So the husband and wife biblically is the center of the family and the children are extensions because they will grow up and have their own family one day .
Now we are big on family .
We want our kids not just to be in our same city . We actually want them to be at our church . I mean , we want to be in our grandkids . We're going to be like they're going to get married . You're going to be in the hospital like move over whoever you're married , I'm there when the baby come out .
So we're about our kids but we're about our marriage more , because marriage is God's idea . Marriage is a holy institution , what God has brought together let no man put us under and I feel like some people in our society , the norm and this we actually see people say these things .
They're saying things like oh , and I don't care about that relationship , it's all about my kids , it's all about my kids , my kids , my kids . And that's fine , I guess , if you're not a believer . But if you are a believer and you're married , you have to put your marriage as a priority . I think we better move on .
But it's so important to the kids that your marriage be right . Like what do you mean your kids need to ?
see your healthy marriage .
They need to see dad standing up for mom and mom standing up for dad .
They need to see you serve him . They need to see you love her like Christ loved the church . The best thing you can do for your kids is love God number one . Love your spouse number two and number three . Love your family like crazy . But that's the priority . I got to move on .
Okay , I got one Love covers sins , love covers sins . I don't know what I would say about that . One is just you know what happens between me and my husband . No-transcript , I'm talking bad about my spouse to other people , but love covers no , you know what I mean . You got something that you're working on right now . I'm going to cover you .
Now that it's not saying that I'm ungodly stuff . You know , like we have pastors , we have accountability , we have people that we can go to if we need help in like you know , big ways . I'm not talking about that , but I'm talking about that every day like disrespect , you know , dishonor of our spouses . We can't do that , but we got to cover each other .
Here's another one . Love God more than you love your spouse .
Oh , you want to take , see that , see that .
Love God more than you love your spouse , and that's the best marriage advice we could ever give you . So if you want to really love and have a great marriage , you have to start loving .
God first .
Yes , God first . The reason I love you is because I love God first . Here's the last one , and I wanted to do the last one . This is it , y'all 25 principles for 25 years of marriage . Come party with us July the 3rd here in Orlando . 25-year vow renewal . I'm going to re-declare my love for this woman .
Oh my goodness , and I want the whole world to know I might sing Help me , jesus , I'm like dance . You don't know what's about to happen . Oh my goodness .
And we're going to help some people overcome cancer . It's going to just be a great night , and so for more information , of course , check out the show notes , but this is the last principle . 25 years , 25 principles . You got to date each other always . You got to date each other always , girl what you doing tonight .
What you doing tonight , we going to floor and decor what you think let's go , it's a date , let's do it . Let's do it . We going to pick out some new floors .
That's going to be a date , y'all . We just made it rain . Baby , 25 years , 25 principles , boom , boom , boom , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah . So anyway , man , I love you sweetheart . Love you , baby Happy anniversary , happy anniversary , and here's to the next 25 years .
Yes , sir , and beyond yes sir .
Thank you for doing life with me , putting up with all of my nonsense , my good , my bad and my ugly . I'm better because of you and I think I'm more in love with you now than when we first got married or when we first met . That was puppy love . This is the real deal . I choose you again and again . I'm not going to give you my vows .
You don't know about my vows . My vows going to be deep , my vows going to be my vows . My vows I'm ready to wrap . Thank you , guys . So much for tuning in to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We pray that you enjoyed today . Listen if you are new to our podcast and our show , make sure you hit the subscribe button if you're on YouTube .
If you're not on YouTube , just hit wherever you download whatever you're listening to . We release a new episode every Thursday at 3 pm . If you're ever in Florida , come worship with us . Man , we have campuses in Orlando and Gainesville , florida , and now we also have a new one in Tampa , florida . You can find more information out about that on the website .
If you're watching this and we said some things that challenged you that you've never heard before I would just ask you to lean in .
We have a thing called the Better Marriage Boot Camp , where we take 25 years of marriage ups and downs and we invest to help make your marriage better , and we have 12 sessions over a span of 90 days a week at a time where we go with you the pain , the promise and all of the purposes , and I'm telling you now that your marriage is worth this investment .
For more information about that , jump over to our website and you can sign up there if you so choose . Sweetheart , anything in closing today .
Oh , I love you too , babe .
And we love y'all wherever you're tuning in . Thank you for hanging out with us . We'll see you next time .
Peace .