¶ Dealing With Irritating Spouse Behavior
Hey , welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We are so pumped that you're tuning into this podcast . It has been designed for people just like you . We wanna do life with you , share our wins , our defeats , our ups and our downs , in hopes that you'll grow closer to God and to the people that you love in your life . Sit back and enjoy today's podcast .
All right , what's up ? Everybody ? Hey , everyone , man , it's good to be with you guys again today , absolutely . Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of Doing Life with Ken and .
Tabitha .
We've been married for 24 years . Can you believe it ? It's been the best 22 years of our lives . Now you got yourself together , things are a whole lot better , praise God , but I'm pumped to be with you today . Are you ready for today ?
I am so ready . Do you know what ?
we're gonna be sharing with everybody .
I know a little bit .
You know a little bit .
I think it's something about husband and wife and me and you yeah me and you , husband and wives and stuff like that . Oh no , I know , I know it is .
You know it is Okay so it's gonna be relationship stuff , but you single people out there . You're gonna need this information as well . This is gonna be one that you have to share with people , and I think it's gonna be a blessing . Now , listen , if you are new to our show . We wanna say welcome . We don't believe that you're here by an accident .
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It's to help people grow closer to God and also closer to the people that God has placed in your life . And so we share our good stuff , we share our not so good stuff , in hopes that you can take what you need out of it to grow closer to him and them . All right , and so welcome today everybody .
Today's show is entitled Help , my Spouse Gets on my Nerves . Okay , everybody say it with me . Help .
Help .
My spouse gets on my nerves .
Do I really get ?
on your nerves ? No , this is a title . There has been times you have gotten on my nerves Like that question right there got on my nerves and so we have to deal with this tension that's always there . That listen , we can be living with somebody that we love but sometimes don't like , or we like , but I don't like you today .
I don't like what you said , I don't like what you forgot , I don't like what you didn't do , and I think a lot of people just don't know how to deal with their spouse getting on their nerves . Now , have I ever gotten on your nerves before In 24 years ? Absolutely not , because I'm perfect .
And that's why people don't like it . That's why people don't understand . You know , like if I don't like it , like when I get on your nerves , I can tell you know cause you make a face and you kind of do something with your nose , but you keep doing what you're getting on my nerves .
you just keep doing it though .
I know , but I don't like it .
But if you can tell , it would seem like you would back out of it , you would back out of what you're saying , you would back out of what you're doing , but that don't collect .
Just the , just different people do different things , and me , because it makes me actually come closer to you .
And start doing more of what's getting on my nerves .
Yeah , because I'm like what is going ? I haven't figured it out . I'm trying to figure it out what's going on .
I know what we need to do . We need to have hand clues , or at least certain things we do . So like baseball codes , yeah , like if I grab you and I do like this and if I pump twice , that means stop it .
That's gonna make me angry though I might hit you back . You're an angry elf .
Oh my goodness , All right . And so yesterday , just yesterday , I said , sweetheart , we're gonna do a podcast about spouses getting on each other's nerves . I said so what I want you to do is I want you to prepare five things for me that I've done to get on your nerves . Okay , and I don't want you to share them with me .
I'm gonna have you share them live on the air , and this is gonna be the first time that I've ever heard them . I'll already tell you that this is false doctrine . This is completely incorrect and I'm on the SES , but we're gonna let you share Now . I've been told you got seven of them . Now I broke mine down to three because I just felt like you know .
I had eight . My God , ha , ha , ha ha . So we'll let you start off and I don't know . Give us what you can until I can't take it no more .
I feel like nervous going first . Whatever ?
What you want us to do Okay , okay .
Well , mine are very petty . Okay , I'll just say that , out the gate , right . Okay they're very petty and I understand that . And since they're all so petty , I'm just going to pick .
We don't need a disclaimer . It is what it is .
All right , the first one . I'm just gonna say the ones that are currently getting on my nerves , okay .
Currently .
The first one is current , and it is the fact that you leave lights on all day , all night , everywhere you go Okay , in the house .
And why does that get on your nerves ?
It gets on my nerves because I feel like you know I was raised where you turned the lights off .
Okay .
First of all , because nobody wants to pay the light bill . Okay , you know , now I'm kind of at the point where I just feel like I like , I just think that you should turn the lights off if you're not using the lights . It's like conservation , it's like , you know , just being conscious of what's going on , especially at night .
I don't like it , like I wake up in the morning and I'll go down , like to where your office is , and I mean , it's not a baby light , it's a big light , and I feel like the light has been gone , has been on all night long .
I'm stuck in a place where I'm trying to determine should I respond to all of these now or should I hold my responses to the end . What , what what so ?
that's why it's petty , but it gets on my nerves .
Okay , all right . Lights All right , go to the next one .
Oh man , all three in a row , okay , no stop .
So I'm not the one that's always leaving the lights on . It's your kids that are leaving the lights on .
They leave the lights on in your office , Listen do you not know how many times I turn off lights all of the time , and it just so happens that sometimes , when it's when it's on , you come in when it's on , but 90% of the time I'm turning off lights all the time and I feel like that adds to the getting on my nerves process , because I feel like you
don't . You're not accepting the fact that you do indeed leave the lights on .
Okay , that you do indeed do it , and it is not the children do it too , but you do it as well , okay , and so you're finding these excuses or these things , you know , but actually you do , you leave it on .
Okay , all right , I apologize . Let's move on . What's your what ?
has she got ? The second one is this when you come into the bedroom , you don't take off your shoes , or you wear your house shoes into the bedroom . It's petty .
I don't take off my shoes from outside .
Or you don't take off your house shoes .
I don't wear my shoes from outside . I have on my house shoes . Okay , their house shoes .
Oh , that's what that's it is . It's your shoes or your house shoes .
No , it's my house shoes . I don't come with my other shoes cause you've told me long time ago not to do that , so I don't come in the room with shoes that I've worn outside . It's my house shoes , so you don't want me to wear my house shoes .
Okay , I don't want you to wear your house shoes in the bedroom because it makes the bedroom floors dirty , because we have white floors in our bathroom and , for whatever reason , when you walk around the rest of the house , you know it just makes our white floors dirty . It made our white carpet dirty and I don't like it .
Okay , all right , let's move on . What else you got there ?
Okay , I know they're petty .
I know they're petty . No well , you don't know them when I'm getting on your nerves . That's the problem people don't know how petty it is .
The other thing is I want you to hear this coming out- of your mouth . I know , okay , I hope yours are just as petty as mine .
Mine is the real deal . Okay , and I'm going to pick the last one but you do have to talk into that microphone , no .
I'm going to pick the last one , and it is . It gets on my nerves when you leave a trail of your belongings , particularly in our hotel rooms , because we travel quite a bit , and so what you do is like when I go to a hotel , I like pick a drawer or space and I put my jewelry , like everything goes in this one space .
You put your watch here , your shoes there , your shirt there , your hat there . I mean , it's not thrown on the floor , which is what your usual response is , but it's like everywhere I throw stuff on the floor .
No , I said it's not thrown on the floor .
But it's enveloped the whole room and so now it's like , man , there's a mess around because there's stuff everywhere .
And I mean being a good wife , I typically will make you a drawer and I pick up all your stuff and put it there , but then we go out to dinner and we come back and you do it all again and I'll come and I'll pick it back up and I'll put it in the drawer and that's fine . I will do that for the rest of my life because I love you .
Okay , sound effects okay , but that gets on my nerves . Okay , so what else do you have on the list over there ?
It's all petty stuff like that .
Well , that's what it is . That's the whole point .
I know .
That people are wanting to get a divorce over petty stuff . That's just idiosyncrasies . So please tell me .
Okay , so the rest of the list is I don't .
You gotta talk to the microphone .
The rest of the list is you leave a or no ? You wear dirty socks . I don't like it . If you wear dirty socks in bed , it doesn't happen much . Okay , I don't like it when you make food while I'm sleeping , because the smell wakes me up and I have an extraordinary sense of smell 2,000 miles away from the kitchen , I smell everything .
You literally live in a different dimension of house .
But it wakes me up and it makes me like I'm awake , let's eat .
Okay , I'm gonna put that down . It gets on my nerves , okay .
And then you leave bits of food in the sink . Whenever you wash your , I'll say rinse off your dishes and you say that you don't leave food in the sink , but you leave food in the sink .
And the last one is when I'm trying to tell you something , because I just want you to listen to me , but you keep on trying to fix my problems and I just want you to listen . That gets on my nerves .
Okay , all right well . Praise God , all right well . Thank you for those things .
¶ Rebuttal and Frustrations
I personally have a rebuttal for all of those things .
I know you do .
All of those things are just your perspective of things . They are not really the reality . They are your reality . There are elements of truth to those things . Even though they are not completely truthful , they mean that they might be- .
It's my side of the coin One out of 10 , one out of 20 times , but now , when I do it , it blows up and blows up more , because it's something that you don't like , which is the evidence of stuff getting on your nerves , and that is your perspective as well , cause it's not one out of 10 , it's not one out of 20 . All right , well- .
That's why it gets on my nerves , all right .
Well , if you wanna fight , just turn the cameras off . Let's go . No , so here's mine for you . Are you ready ? All right ? Praise God , I feel like I'm gonna be angry Already .
I am offended , it feels- .
It feels Cause I know it's gonna be wrong . It feels tense in this food I already have a rebuttal .
I don't even care , Listen . So here's the deal . I just put down a few more , okay , and maybe I'll start with those , all right . So it gets on my nerves that you wake up because of food that's 3,000 miles away . That gets on my nerves . It's like can her brother just eat ?
Like you have some old super spidey sense I wish honestly it gets on my nerves too . I wish I wasn't , I weren't like that , I just it's annoying .
It's annoying , all right . Also , you like to walk around the house like an elephant , and this is something that I brought up to you before . And because our bedroom is on the upper level , we hadn't had a lower level bed .
We've had lower level bedrooms for the last 15 years , but now we have an upper level bedroom and for some reason , you like to walk on your heels , and it's not that you're super big or anything like that , but it's just that when you walk , you walk with such heaviness . I walk like a gazelle , I'm on a mission .
I walk like a cheetah that is in the parry .
You do . I don't know that you enter the room , you just appear .
Yeah , and that gets on my nerves too , now that you say that . So she's very jumpy . She's very , very jumpy .
Like I can be walking through my house . Continual list . I'm just walking to the shop .
I'm just all the time . No , that's because he is crazy .
No , no , I'm just in my house .
Who else do you expect to be in the house ? I don't understand it . We walk by faith not by sight .
Listen , God's not giving us a spirit of fear .
You just appear and I hear you think that it is you can like come on the back of me and I would never be startled because I just believe it . You or Hannah or Charity or Kenny , okay anyway , that gets on my nerves . And it also gets on my nerves that you never make the bed up , ever .
I like it that I don't make the bed .
Okay , so those are my bonus ones . Now , what I had for you here today all right , are you ready ? Drum roll please Is that you get frustrated about people just living in the house , and that gets on my nerves .
Now , what does that mean ?
Well , you get frustrated by the mere fact that people are just living like there's shoes at the front door , there's crumbs in the sink , a light is on right , and you turn into the soup Nazi , which is a Seinfeld show from back in the day , where it's just like we gotta close every door , we gotta clean up everything , we gotta take these shoes away , and the
honest truth is is that we're just living . It's not like you know what I'm saying .
If we came behind you and picked up everything You're living like slobs is what you're doing .
That's your perspective , and I understand that gets on your nerves . All right , but you ignore the fact that you leave stuff out too , and that's the challenge , so you are able to pick out all of our , so sometimes we can just mean the kids .
We're in there just enjoying Ebola cereal , right , and we're sitting down at the kitchen island and we can tell when you come in it's just like just suck all of the life and the joy out of the room and we're like what's wrong ?
What's just dishes , it's just dishes and you start , you know , or closing doors and it's just like , Because the fact that you could sit there and enjoy Ebola cereal amongst a nasty kitchen is Right .
That's your perspective that it's nasty hours . It's just crazy to me . My perspective is that it's lived in and we're gonna get to it when we get to it Anyway let me move on .
The second thing that you do , all right after my bonus stuff , is that you take too long to make points sometimes , All right , and so you try to tell me a story by giving me every detail of the story and you bring me way around the story .
That gets on my nerves , that you don't wanna listen to me . No , because I have specific things I need you to know . Oh my , God .
But here's the thing though . But you can take what you say in three minutes and probably say it in three seconds . It's just instead of the novel , the cliff notes . It's like so much detail .
So really what I'm thinking is like I already know what you're about to say or what you're about to ask and I already got it , but for some reason it doesn't click that this man already got it and I gotta go through this story all around here and that's why you get on my nerves and jump in and try to fix all my stuff before I even told you what's going
on , but I already knew what was going on . Why don't you just ask me hey , do you know about this ? And I can say that I don't have to sit there for five minutes of pain . I want you to know that the flowers were pink with yellow centers , and bumblebees were flying around Too much information . I want you to know all those details .
I don't want you to just know that there were flowers . I need you to be there with me and feel what I felt .
¶ Navigating Frustration in Marriage
I like to maximize time and efficiency , and so all I can think of is like oh my God , we are wasting so much precious time . I can never get that back and I'll give you one more . The way that you drive , we know that gets on my nerves and I love you , but I can't stand . It's just everything . You stop very abruptly . It's scary .
And then it gets on my nerves that when you stop abruptly then you right away start to explain why you had to stop that way .
Because I know that you're over there having a hippoconniption .
But your explanation is not really helping the matter at all . The fact is that you can be softer on the brakes and you can be softer on the gas and you can go out . And it also gets on my nerves that you get so frustrated at the way that other people drive in traffic when you are one of them . That just gets on my nerves .
I just find it to be a double standard . I find it to be super judgmental . So for me , when I get in the car , it's all peace . It's all peace Like me getting up .
I think that when we get in the car , you just want to be the boss of me . No . I think that you are so bossy when you just want me to drive the way you want me to drive and I drive the way I drive .
I feel that I drive safer and I drive more calculated . I feel that I drive really , but who taught you how to drive ?
Whatever , I taught you how to drive .
So I've always been in the authoritative position .
And this is what I mean by being bossy . I know that's what you think , but that's not . We really gotta move on . I'm not gonna drive the way you drive .
I know you're not gonna drive , but you're driving Like if you got in an Uber with the way that you drive , you would get low stars .
This is not true Low reviews .
It's jerky , it's haphazard . Then you're mad at traffic and it's like it doesn't matter how mad you get at traffic and , by the way , you're talking about the old me .
Traffic is not moving Because , as of like a month ago , I have changed when it comes to driving .
Praise God for revelation and miracles , but listen , no matter how much you fuss at the traffic , it's not gonna change . No matter what you say , no matter how frustrated you are , it does not change the speed of the traffic . It does not make people get out of your way .
So my word for anybody who gets frustrated in traffic is that you are wasting emotions , because you might as well enjoy this ride , because there's nothing you can do about it .
And that's how I feel about the person sitting in the passenger seat . There's nothing you can do about it . You are not in the driver's seat , so you just sit there and be quiet .
All right . Well , maybe that was too long , but it does not matter . I knew I was gonna get upset . We wanted to give you guys the real deal of what people are calling an irreconcilable differences and irreconcilable differences is code word of saying that you get on my nerves and I don't know how to stop you from getting on my nerves .
And if we were honest , the honest truth is that every married couple will get on each other's nerves because you're two different people . You have two different backgrounds , you have two different perspectives , you have two different ways of living . You have two different angles . You know , just like in the gospel , you have Matthew Luke's gospel .
You know , john , there's different angles on the same event and as a husband and wife . But not only do we have , do we get on each other's nerves . People that you work with get on your nerves . People that your kids get on your nerves . Your neighbors some of my neighbors they get on my nerves .
Whoever call the HOA and have my car towed my dog , they get on my nerves . You know what I'm saying , and so this is actually something that I wish we would tell people in premarital counseling that you have all of these butterfly feelings and endorphins right now and they can do no wrong .
But what people do in their marriage is that it comes to a place where they can do no right . So it goes from a place where the infatuation stage you can do no wrong to a place where you can do no right .
And so what we wanna do in marriages is learn how to navigate every stage , not just the infatuation stage , but every stage of our growth , so we can be together for 50 , 60 years and not strangle each other .
Come on .
Yeah , so that gets on my nerves right there , like when I've said stuff you have absolutely nothing to say , that gets on my nerves .
Well , what ? This didn't get on my nerves , but , baby , you just talked for so long .
I didn't know . Here's the deal .
I'm like completely zoned out , cause I'm like dad he's talking for a long time .
Well , I'm saying such a good stuff that you're mesmerized by what I'm saying . I get it right , Okay .
But you're supposed to be thinking of the point that's next . I was , but then I , honestly , I just went all around the world and came back and you were still talking , Don't this ?
is a podcast . Okay , don't do that you know what I'm saying , so what ?
is this . I'll do my best .
This is an example of two people getting on each other's nerves . This is like and I think for me , no , really , this is . This is like so normal . Yeah , it's so normal . It's like how can we help people navigate that , that frustration , that , but still loving each other ? What do you think ?
I mean , I think , first of all , it's just really not taking yourself so seriously and really recognizing that , okay , I'm not perfect , I'm going to make mistakes , even in some of the lists that you gave me . Like you know the driving and I mean , yeah , like it's it's coming from .
I mean , it's true , now , you have your side of it and I have my side of it , but yeah , you're right , you know I could do better driving . I could you know whatever else you said .
You know , come into the kitchen and not be upset with you guys about you know and I'm working on that too , by the way , it's my thing about being kindness and letting kindness be the law of my tongue . Like no , I'm just going to come in and , you know , kind of be kind .
But I think we just can't take ourselves so seriously and , just like it's normal , we're going to get on each other's nerves , but like , so what ? Be , nice .
Yeah , for me , you know . I think this was a great example that we displayed for everybody today and we've made it a big deal just as a for an example , because we deal with so many married people and we understand that some people are just touchy and they're frustrated and they're irritable and they're also angry .
But honestly , if we were to turn off the lights and the cameras , these things that we said today , I had to search for them . It was like what gets on my nerves about her ? Well , let's put down a few things , like if you drive like that forever , it doesn't matter to me If you come in and tell us what to do .
You're just trying to make the house clean . I know the other perspective right . But for some reason , people get married and they can only see their perspective . And I think what we said about we try to make our spouse us . I think that's a big one .
Yeah , and I think also , like we pick these things and we started talking about what gets on each other's nerves because we were intentional about it and talking about it Like I literally like some of the stuff you said , like I can feel it , like that's not true .
I can , you know I'm gonna be upset Like I'm joking , but at the same time , I'm serious too , Like no , that just you know , that just got on my nerves really .
And I think the point is that if you are intentionally thinking about these things , like if this is all you're focusing on is what they do to get on your nerves and how they didn't do this and what they , you know , like , yeah , you're going to be upset all the time and just like you've , intentionally , we wrote down those things that got on our nerves .
We can intentionally write down things about them that we love , things about them that are fantastic , and that's one of the ways that I get over . You know , maybe you offending me or you getting on my nerves . I just really I start to think about how lovely you are and how much I love you and how handsome he is you know , I check out your clothes .
I'm always like you , always look good , you always dress nice . I'm like , I like the way he looks in that hat . I love , I love it when you wear hoodies . I mean just whatever I need to do , and just as fast as I got offended I can just as easy get out of it .
So here's the deal . We're giving you guys the real deal today . I mean , this is the real deal . Everybody say the real deal , the real deal
¶ Helping Couples Deal With Marriage Irritations
. Okay , when we said help my spouse gets on my nerves , I know that there are some people who they feel like that all of the time . Some of them have said it and they've been threatening leaving , divorce and planning to leave and divorce .
Some people have not said it , but this bears witness with them , like , yes , some of you all know that your spouse gets on your nerves and you know that you're just too touchy . You're irritable and you don't know what to do about that emotion . We want to start today by normalizing . That's normal , y'all .
It's normal that two people living , sharing the same bed , sharing last names , sharing babies , sharing finances and all of that that is when you really can be tested in what love really is and patients really is , and all of that . And so let's normalize it . It is okay that you feel that way , but now the question is what you're going to do about it .
Are you going to allow that to fall into the percentages of people getting divorced because unreconcilable differences ? Translation I couldn't learn to get over what got on my nerves about you , so now I want to leave you to marry somebody else that I'm infatuated with for a season , until they get on my nerves , and then I'm going to divorce them .
To marry somebody else that I think is a certain way in the fatuation season , until they get on my nerves , and then I'm going to divorce them . And the cycle continues , because you just don't know how to live with people and you don't know that you're a people .
So you get on somebody's nerves and other people can get on your nerves , and here we are to help you today . That's all this is , and so I want to give them a few things that they can do as it relates to help .
I'm going to give you a few principles that we've lived by , and this is the one thing that we did talk about for today People who are easily irritated by their spouse . They need to grow in not being so touchy , frustrated , irritable , and they simply need to grow out of it . You have anything you want to add to that .
I don't know . I mean , I just think it . You kind of said it , just not being so touchy and just not taking yourself . I call that not taking yourself so seriously , like not like you know , yes , we're , we're wonderful and we're fantastic and all of these things , but you know also , I mean we're just . You know we're , we're not perfect .
Well , I'm looking at , you know , some of the things that had kind of written down for the day and it's actually what I just asked you was . There's so much that I have here , oh man , should I give it all to him ?
Yeah , I mean , we're in it because that wasn't the answers yet .
I still wanted to identify why people feel that way .
Why people feel that way ?
And I'm going to go through these quickly . They feel that way because they're too touchy , frustrated , irritable , okay , and they got to grow out of it . They also feel that way . People get on the nerves because the closeness that they have to their spouse magnifies their imperfections , and so they focus more on what they do wrong than what they do right .
Is that easy , or what it's like you know , when we first was together , it was all about everything you was .
Man I love .
You know your voice , I love the way you cook . I love how soft your hands are . Then after a while it's like well , your feet are rough and I don't , your food is the same and your voice gets on my nerves . Not talking about you , but it's amazing how marriage kind of you know , you start off one way and then you flip .
It's like you , you look they can't do no wrong and then they can't do no right and so jump in whenever you have something on .
Yeah , I like to say that I mean I think that when you get married , your partner will bring out the best in you .
You know so that when we see each other's imperfections , sometimes like you know you telling me about coming down in the morning and you know people living life , you call it living life and there's crumbs in the kitchen and you guys are trying to eat a bowl of cereal and I come down huffing and puffing and they know it Well .
To me it's just kind of like that's something that gets on your nerves and I'm acting like that because you have gotten on my nerves .
But I can also step out of the situation to understand that you saying that if I take the opportunity , I can get better from it , meaning that , oh okay , maybe I shouldn't do that , maybe I should be more kind when I come downstairs , maybe I should have a better attitude when I'm talking to them . You know when I'm in , you know , in a situation like that .
So I think that if we allow it , it can bring out the best in us . Take for . You know so , like if we're not married and we're a single person .
I know I'm getting on your nerves because I'm talking too long , but you know , like for , for for a person who isn't married , you don't have somebody with you 24 , seven , all the time telling you , hey , I don't like it when you do this and I don't like it when you do that , like we're not perfecting each other like that .
So I think sometimes this annoyance , the annoyances that we have with each other , are just , you know , god's way of , you know we're perfecting each other .
Okay , um , people who are easily irritated by their spouse . Um , they highlight their spouse's weaknesses and they minimize , um , what their spouse does well , and so that's one thing that they can do differently .
They are happy , um , also with themselves , so they project what's inwardly bothering them , and so I think there's a lot of couples who there's a spouse that they're not fulfilled in life , they're not happy , so they are projecting that on their spouse , because it's like the law of close proximity , it's like you actually treat the person closest to you the worst if
you have something going on in you , and so I think it's like identifying that you have areas that you need to grow in . Um , they bottle up too much and just don't know how to communicate how they feel about things , and I think that the reason that people get on each other's nerves is because they are on two opposite ends of the spectrum .
They either have bottled it up and not say anything about it , or they nag about everything and they just talk about it all the time instead of finding a healthy balance . And for me , communication is huge Like if I don't , like if it's a big deal to me , you saying something to me about us just living .
I have to figure out how to communicate that in a way where you understand it and not understand your perspective , and we can meet each other in the middle , would you say ? Communication is huge , absolutely Okay , and so of course , those are some reasons why , but I kind of want to just jump to the answers here .
Okay , now here's the deal Me and you , we are Okay . We are opposites . You know , we're a lot , we're not alike , and I've heard the saying . I think it's so powerful that opposites attract but then opposites attack , and so I think God sets it up that way , where we are attracted to someone who is not like us .
And it's almost like that , jerry McGuire , they complete me . It's almost like what I'm , not you are . And I think God allows that on purpose so that he can have like not more complete , because you're complete even without having somebody else in your life . But it's almost like we can kind of yin yang or kind of be .
We can kind of come together and be a more powerful force . And so if you were really to look at us , we are a lot opposite . I'm usually hot , cold . When you're hot , I usually you have left right confusion when I have a map in my brain .
I have to talk about my left , right , confusion .
I have crazy sense of direction . What else You're artistic . I'm more logical , you are .
I make noise when I walk and you don't .
Yeah , yeah , I'm cool , you would be more corny .
Definitely . What would be the word , was it corny Corny ? Yes , I like corny movies , I like corny jokes .
Okay , let's talk about movies , so you like more . It has to have a good ending and a happy ending , happy ending . I like action movies , so you can't stand to see anybody shot . I can't stand to see anybody naked . Actually , we like different foods and the foods that I eat might hurt you and the foods you eat might hurt me .
So my cholesterol has always been a challenge , even since I was a little kid . But you've had great cholesterol and so you don't eat meat . I eat meat fine , it's always this . I go to sleep with the TV on is fine with me . The TV bothers you .
We can probably go through a bunch of things , and so I think sometimes we get married and we are amazed at how different we are . But here's the deal opposite to tract . But if you're not careful , then opposite to tack .
And the reason that we attack is because we really want our spouse to be us and we didn't marry us and we're trying to change them into being us . But you would never want to marry yourself because , that would be a horrible marriage . I'm glad that I married you , because you're everything that I'm not . You're kind when I'm mean .
You're level-headed when I'm not . You're soft when I'm loud , you're loud when I'm soft . It's this wonderful mix , and I believe that there's a lot of couples out there that you actually married right . And the devil's trying to convince you that you've married wrong because of those differences . Anything on that ?
No , I agree , it's beautiful when you look at it a certain way .
Yeah , you know , at the end of the day , I think we're normalizing , getting on nerves , but we also have to realize that we all have idiosyncrasies . Certain , just corkiness , quirkiness about us that we're just wired this way and love covers all that .
You know , when it says that love covers a multitude of sins , it also covers a multitude of weaknesses or faults or idiosyncrasies , you know .
But I think if I was to give anybody advice about what to do when your spouse gets on your nerves , I would say you got to start to like them again , like the one thing about our relationship is that we started off best friends and we're still best friends today , and I don't think everyone has that in their relationship .
You know , I was just reading an article and telling me what you think about this and the writer it was profound .
She said that most people who are single or even married has this long list of red flags that are deal breakers , like if this person is this or did that or said this , it's a deal breaker , it's over , that's not my person , but they have no list for their friends . Oh , wow .
They have this long list of deal breakers for their spouse , but they have no list for their friends . Could it be that we live in a generation that actually values friendship relationships over romantic ones , and your friends can do whatever , but they steal your dog . They can do whatever they can steal from you . You will forgive them . They could go to jail .
You would go bella mouth . They still gonna be your friends . You gonna be like well , we've been together since middle school , but if your spouse or the person that you're interested in dating does one thing , then that's a red flag , and so I don't know .
I think that the answer to that is a friendship , because when you are not just lovers but also friends , there's a whole lot of stuff that you just forgive because you're friends . So , yeah , I leave my socks off . Oh , I'm your friend , you know what I'm saying . You just overlooked that . What do you think ?
Yeah , I mean , I think that's true . I think , you know , because we have friends from a young age and so , even as children , we learn to love our friends and care for our friends and we learn that our friends are not perfect . We get mad at our friends and we throw we still each other's toys .
We get to fight .
Yeah , we fight , we fist fight our friends , like all of that stuff , but at the end of the day we become friends again . We learn this in childhood .
But I think that as we grow up and we begin to fantasize and dream about , you know , our husbands or our wives , we form this perfect picture in our mind , Like they are going to be the knight in shiny armor , they're going to be the princess , the queen , and they are perfect and they don't make any mistakes .
And so then when we get married , you know we're not no one's perfect . I think , yeah , there is this ungodly standard that we put on our spouse . That is just . It's not right .
I think if you grow in like , it's a first step to growing back in love . For those people who feel like you've fallen out of love , why don't you take a step towards growing back into like ? each other dating again .
You know , I just think it's something powerful about continuing to impress each other , continuing to date each other , continuing to be attractive to each other , continuing to find things that we enjoy together . Like I mean , I thank God for people who have girlfriends they want to go to Europe with , but I don't want to go to Europe with my friends .
I want to go to Europe with my best friend , absolutely . And it's okay to have other friends . This is just what I believe . I believe your best friend should
¶ Maintaining Love and Harmony in Marriage
be your spouse .
Yeah , and I think that it's just , you know , like God commanded us to love each other , not to like each other . But when it comes to our spouses , you know what I mean . Like if we will just love each other , like love one another .
That means , you know , love is patient , love is kind , love is forgiving , and so if we can do that to our spouses , we will begin to like them .
Yeah . So let's give some answers . What do you do when your spouse gets on your nerves ? All right , so you can kind of jump in on the back of this . For me , the first thing is that you have to choose a different response , because there is power and choice . Okay , and you might not feel a certain way , you feel irritated , you feel touchy .
Choose something different , absolutely .
I mean I think I yeah , you know , there are some times where I can engage , like , let's say , we have a disagreement and you're upset and I can clearly see it and it seems to be something that's rather important to you and I don't know why you upset about this , and I could come back and say , well , what are you upset about ?
And blub , you know , and say all this stuff and kind of get in it with you . But now I'm just like , okay , I see , okay , he's clearly upset . Let me just back out of this . All right , babe , whatever Cause it doesn't mean anything to me anyway , I don't even care about it .
So I'm just going to walk away , I'll let you have your space and then we're good .
The power of choice . Number two give them and use some space . Give them and use some space . I'm not talking about separation . I'm not talking about he living in the dog house while you living in the master bedroom . I'm talking about give yourself some space to cool down , to journal , to reflect with God and to gain new perspective .
Yeah , and I think some of that is on us personal and I learned it like if I'm looking at you so much and you're getting on my nerves and all of this stuff , usually it doesn't have anything to do with you . It's about me .
I'm not taking care of myself , I'm not taking a bubble bath at the end of the day and I'm not praying and spending time with God , I'm not journaling . I'm not taking care of my own self .
Well , I hope somebody hears that , cause I think that's the answer . If your spouse is really getting on your nerves , it's probably not them , it's probably you . No , I really mean that .
I mean it's probably you , because you have grace to be a husband , you have grace to be a wife .
Here's the third one . Remember you married a person and you are a person too . You know , I think sometimes we get irritated at people for being people . You know , for example , everything that I just said about , um , the things you do to get on my nerves . You don't have to change any of them . I want you to be yourself .
I want to be able to forgive , I want to be able to give you space and grace . I want you to be able to correct me and say hey , um , can you , can you turn on the fan when you're cooking bacon ? Well , of course , if that bothers you , you have this supra-bionic nose that I don't have . That I don't understand .
But I'm just going to turn on the fan and open up a window . You know what I'm saying . Like , I don't expect , I don't want to live in a house where you're on eggshells and I'm on eggshells .
So you're a person and it's okay , absolutely , I agree 100% .
Number four is communicate to them with love and understanding . You know some things you can change and some things you can't . You got to realize what battles the fight , but I think communication , open dialogue about sex , about money , about frustrations , is huge , without taking it so personal .
I think if you don't communicate and you hold it in , it just gets worse . It never goes away , it only gets worse and worse and worse . So I think communication is key yeah .
Number five would be get counseling , because sometimes you do need a third party to step in to tell you how stupid you're being , I mean to tell you the things that you need to work on .
I mean , really , if you're that spouse that , like everything is so , everybody just irritates you and you just want out and you feel suffocated , you need somebody that can step to you and just be like you know what ? Did you look at this in the Bible ? Do you know what ? You have a trigger . You haven't dealt with this past trauma . You're trying to run .
You're self-sabotaging your relationship . We all need somebody that can really speak into those areas , absolutely , I agree .
And sometimes I mean it might not need to be couples therapy , it might just need to be you . Well , that's actually what I was thinking , yeah .
I was thinking you need to go get yourself some help , right ? What about this one ? Number six ? You need to recognize the real enemy , and this is the real enemy is not your spouse . Come on , it's not the person that you share children with . It is not the person that you share a last name with .
It's not the person that you stood on the altar and said I do till death , do us part . The real enemy that you have is Satan , and he is a fallen angel that is sent to steal , to kill and destroy , and the scripture says we don't wrestle against flesh and blood . And so you got to figure out how to partner with your spouse and fight the devil .
He is the accuser . Come on , he's the one that's accusing your spouse . You cannot team up with him .
Yeah , that's a big thing . It's the spirit of accusation . You're not this enough and you're not that enough . You don't treat me this enough and , like you , you , you accuse them of so many different things without giving them love , which is , um , you don't keep an account of people done to it . What about this Number seven ? Go back to the basics of love .
Sometimes we just got to stop and we got to go back to the basics . People are getting on your . Go back to the basics Because love . What does it say about love ? It says that love is other serving . It says that love is patient . Sometimes , the reason that people getting on our nerves is that we're just not patient enough .
God is using them to develop the fruit of patience in us . All right , the scripture talks about how it overlooks a wrong . Yeah . And you always put out everything that's been done wrong . But that's not love . Grace Give grace First , corinthians 13 , and learn love Anything on that one .
Oh yeah , I think you like , like I said , grace , um , there's some things that happen that you know , you might have the right to be wrong , you might have the right to be upset or whatever , but , um , you know , it could be just something general and basis that you say that's just like man , why you didn't have to say it like that , you didn't have to
treat me like that , you didn't have to look at me like that and I could be perfectly right . But then it's just like you know what . Let me just give him grace , cause I know that's how to character for him . He might've had a bad day , he might've , you know , just whatever .
So I'm just going to extend grace , and God does that to us all day , every day .
There was one that you shared , though that was like you , um , do something in your mind where you make it . You make it feel like I'm good . Like you do something where it's like I don't know if you imagine me naked or what is that stuff .
I wrote that , just imagine your spouse naked , like there's something cause some yes , some things are so stupid and so irritating and I can speak from a woman's perspective , from a wife and a mother , like if I'm sitting around picking up all this stuff all day and I've been cooking all day and I came home from work and blah , blah , blah , and I see him
sometimes you can just be really irritating . I'm trying to get right now . You know what I mean Just really irritating , but like , if I look at you and I start thinking of you naked , it's just like it's funny , it's not .
It's like it takes it literally , strips away all of the like oh well , who does he think he is and I have to do this and all that , and it's just like no , this is my husband , I love him .
You know I start smiling . What did you say ? I said I'm doing it right now , you're getting on my nerves . No , I'm envisioning you naked and I like it .
Stop looking at me like that .
Everything I said about you , I was wrong .
But it does . It's just like if I sit there like I cannot be mad at you if I'm sitting here thinking about you naked .
Like I , just you become not this guy .
You're just like my babe , you're my husband . I see your vulnerability .
I see everything , anything else in that regard that you would share ?
No , it's just . I think that's the number one thing you can do If your spouse gets on your nerves . Just think about them naked . Just see them with no clothes on .
I got one that's more soft , and this would be the last one for today . You got to invite God in , and so marriage is God's idea . Yeah , all right . And so to be married without God , to me , is a failure waiting to happen . I don't know how people do it . I don't know how they don't believe in God , but they're married , but whatever .
But for me , marriage is God's idea , and since it's God's idea in his institution , I need his help . I'm happy to say that you're my best friend of 24 years , and I feel like our friendship is growing and our love for each other is growing and our respect for each other is growing . I think I'm growing as a human being . I think I'm growing as a leader .
I'm growing as a man . I think that I see you growing and that's very important that we grow together . Absolutely and spiritual things and also emotional things , and I think that's why , you know , people tune in to the podcast . I think it's real life , it's just real talk .
Honestly , if it wasn't just what in the podcast , we would just be having this conversation yeah , for nobody else to hear . And we said , well , we might as well have it for everybody else to hear . And even for the things that we share , we probably won't even discuss those things again , not because they're not important , but because they're not important .
Right , no , I'm saying that , meaning that like , okay , yeah , that's cool and everything , and I heard it , but it's no need Dude , dude , dude . Why'd you say that in the podcast ? We probably won't have a conversation like that . Oh no , Because we just don't care .
Yeah .
There's so many other things that we want to put our focus on , and for me , it's like all I'm thinking is like how can I love you better ? How can I serve you more ? How can I make your dreams come to pass ? How can I take the things you know ? I can't change me for being me , but I can be a better version of me .
Absolutely .
And oh no , that's just how I look at it .
Yeah .
So that's a long way to close . Anything else in closing .
Nope , I think it's good . I think you know just personally . If we get into it on the podcast , which we do , I think we just settle it on the podcast .
I think so too , If you . If you agree with that , can you please just comment right now and let us know that if we get into it on the podcast , we should just settle it on the podcast .
Like it's going down right now .
Yeah , I think we should just hold all of our family meetings for live on the air and we can just hash all of our problems for the world to see . That's exactly what we need . Anyway , you got all my nerves in the beginning but you're much better now , Praise God . So thank you guys so much for tuning in to doing life with Ken and Tabitha .
I hope that you enjoyed today . We gave you the best that we have and we could today . If you're new to our podcast , man , we don't believe you're here by an accident . We're so glad that God has connected us together and we pray that we have brought some value to your life . If you could subscribe , hit the subscribe button on YouTube .
You'll be the first to get the content when it's released . If you're on podcast , just hit the download button so you can make sure that you get it every Thursday at 3pm . I would love to hear your story . Your stories inspire
¶ Sharing Testimonies and Encouragement
us . Your testimonies . Not only does it encourage us , it also encourages other . The best way to share your testimony would be to write a review , and you can just write a sentence or even a paragraph and let us know what God spoke to you and what he's doing in your life because of our podcast .
If you prefer for it to be private , of course , you can also send us an email , and the email address , of course , is in the show notes below . Next week we got some great content for you . You're going to want to be a part of our show going forward . Just know that you're not alone .
We're praying for you and we are here with you and fighting with you to have God's best Until next time . We'll see you later . Thank you so much for tuning in today . Peace .