Hey , welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We are so pumped that you're tuning in to this podcast . It has been designed for people just like you . We wanna do life with you , share our wins , our defeats , our ups and our downs , in hopes that you'll grow closer to God and to the people that you love in your life . Sit back and enjoy today's podcast .
Hey , what's up everybody ? Welcome welcome , welcome , welcome to Doing Life with Ken and .
Tabitha .
So pumped to have you guys with us today . We got a good one for you today . You know , one of the best things you can do is like comment or share If you enjoy . I know you will enjoy . I know we're just getting started , but you're going to enjoy this today and there's some new moms that we want to bless today .
Today is called Help for New Moms , and we want to help you know what to do when you are pregnant , expecting or just having a baby , and so we're going to get into that today .
But we just want to say if you're new to our podcast , welcome . Yes , if you're new , we've been praying for you . We hope that you're blessed by this Reach out . If it is a blessing to you , let us know how this is making an impact in your life . We love to hear your testimonies .
It keeps us going . Yeah , it does , it does . Hey , and you know , of course , our podcast is first and foremost a marriage podcast and a relationship podcast , but it's also a personal growth podcast , okay , and so our goal from the beginning , and still is today , is to help you grow closer to God and closer to the people that God has placed in your life .
Help you grow closer to God and closer to the people that God has placed in your life , and so hopefully , you will find value in that , and , if so , I mean just subscribe , hang out with us , join our community , and we pray that God will use this to add value and bring you closer to him .
All right , if you're anywhere in the state of Florida , come worship with us . We would love to see you hang out with you in worship together . Orlando , florida , tampa Florida , gainesville , florida we have campuses in those three cities , and so we would love to see you soon .
Today's episode is entitled Help for New Moms , and all of my new moms said hey , man , and so today is going to be what ? Help for new moms . That's exactly what we're going to do today , and we want to help somebody . We've seen a boom in our church of people having babies , people expecting babies , and so I wanted to try to give them some help .
I wanted to give them some tools , some mom hacks , so to say and I've brought the baby specialist in herself all the way from southwest Orlando , Florida . Would you please put your hands together for none other than Tabitha Claytor .
Wow , I don't know if I'm the baby specialist , but you know .
I know you wouldn't like that very much , but it doesn't matter , because you're a great mom .
I know what I'm talking about , though You're a great mom .
And right now we have a . Let's see , we have a 19 year old , we have a 15 year old and we have a 13 year old and I've seen you through all stages of their development . Just be a tremendous mom , a tremendous mom , and I know because you're super well-read , you're like a you love . I know because you're you're super well read .
You're like a you love YouTube university and you just you're a self-help guru and I know that there are some things that you have that you can probably pay it forward , and I believe you probably don't look at yourself as a a a a baby specialist , though , do you ? Or a new mom specialist .
No , I mean , I know a lot about it because I've experienced it . I've been there , done that .
And .
I think every mom you know , like once your kids hit a certain age , you know you kind of like okay , I got this , let me help you , and I love you said this is help for new moms . I mean , it's help for any mom , but particularly for new moms because you don't know what to .
You know like you read all the books , you know , but sometimes you just don't know until you cross that bridge .
Well , for the for the sake of those who are newer to our podcast , let's talk about our birth experience . So our oldest child is named Hannah .
She is 19 years old .
And what did she weigh in at when she was born ?
Oh , she was eight pounds three ounces .
Can you tell us a little bit about that birthing experience ? That pregnancy and birthing experience is what I'm looking for the pregnancy and birthing .
Well , let's see , the pregnancy was really well . Like I said , I had the book what to Expect when You're Expecting . I loved it . This was like the book y'all'm . I would wait weekly and just read the new thing to see how my body is progressing and my baby baby is progressing . So that was all fun .
Um , during the pregnancy , I uh was just believing , walking by faith , love the Lord , declaring good things over our baby , prophesying , you know , health and good life over our baby . I mean , we were praying for our babies . We were praying for her husband before she was even formed in the womb , father , thank you that you have a good husband for her .
I mean , I was going there and so I don't know what else are you looking for ?
I'm just looking for you to tell me a story about the birthing process . So I think , did we have problems conceiving ?
Yeah , I actually wanted to go back there , so I didn't want to .
I was kind of asking , it wasn't long , but we had a little problem conceiving . It didn't come as fast as we thought it was going to , so go ahead .
So you know , we decided you know we got married and it was five years after we got married we decided to have kids . Now , you know . So we were just kind of like people say , well , when should we start to have kids ? And you know when's the best time , and for every couple it's different . But you know we got married and we had a lot to do .
The first two years of our marriage was really bad , right , you know I had to overcome depression and fear and anxiety and all of this stuff in my life . You and anxiety and all of this stuff in my life . You had to grow up in the gospel as well . Let's not take us way back there , let's bring us a little bit more forward , Okay .
So anyway , the point was is that ? So , when it came down to having kids , it was just like , you know , year three . We said , hey , you want to have kids , no , we're not ready yet . And then I know that the year that one year came and it was just like year four and you were like I , it was just like year four .
And you were like I was like hey , I'm ready to have kids . And you were like , no , I'm not ready yet . And then it was like six minutes later and you're like , okay , I'm ready . I'm like , no , baby , I think I take that back , I'm not ready yet . So it swayed back and forth , but then we finally decided , okay , we're ready't have a baby .
It's me three , four months . We're just like what's going on ? Um ? And then we got ahold of a book called supernatural childbirth and , um , we read about this book and there were all kinds of testimonies in the book about women who , uh , couldn't have babies but got pregnant .
Um , because their faith was kindled to get pregnant , or you , or it was declared that they couldn't have a baby . But they said , okay , no , I'm going to believe God for healing and things like that . And they were able to have babies and so it gave me the faith to be like , oh , you know what ? I can have a baby Because this is a promise from God .
It's a promise from God . The fruit of the womb is His reward . Yeah , he's called us to be fruitful and multiply .
Okay , that's not for a person who's not able to have children yet to feel bad .
That's actually to encourage their faith to let them know that this is a promise that you can stand on . And that's what it did for me , because I was beginning to think , oh my gosh well , what if I can't have kids ?
You had had abortion before .
Yes , and did you ever did , could have ? We couldn't tell the difference , that something weird happened . But I never took a pregnancy test or anything like that , but I was afraid that that happened .
I had a mom that had many miscarriages and all of this stuff and so coming into it , there was that fear of getting into pregnancy thought like , oh well , maybe it's for me and maybe it's not .
God wasn't anywhere in the equation . So when we found out that it was a promise of God , then I could stand on it and believe like , oh , it doesn't matter what anything says my doctors or my history . It doesn't matter . I can stand on the promises of God , and that's what made the difference .
Okay .
Okay , so we , we , we started believing for God and it was just like you read the book . You came home and gave me the book , I read the book and it was like two weeks later .
Okay . So I found the book Okay and I think it's important for husbands to be spiritually sensitive enough to still lead in these moments .
Yeah .
So I was like walking through a Christian bookstore and I saw this book and it just I knew , in my spirit , I read the book first . I read it probably in a day and a half . It was like , ooh , this is good , I gave it to you , and all it did was kindle your faith .
Give you a biblical perspective filled with testimonies of women who have had miscarriages or not been able to conceive , and then show their babies and what God was able to do . And then what happened from ?
there , yeah , and so I took the word of God and I started declaring the word of God and I asked the Lord for me to get pregnant . And I put my hands on my womb and just spoke over my womb and said be fruitful and multiply Healing . Come forth in Jesus' name . Do what you've been created to do to produce babies .
And um , I prayed over our conception and things like that . And we got pregnant and um , it was amazing , we had a great child , um , a great pregnancy and um , so we gave birth eight pounds , three ounces . Now I had a pregnancy plan and um , I expected about that .
So what was your pregnancy ?
My pregnancy plan was that I would not have no pain in pregnancy . I didn't want to get an episiotomy that's where they cut your vaginal opening so that the baby can come out . I didn't want to do that , and I wanted to go into labor on my own . I didn't want to be induced .
You didn't want to have an epidural .
Didn't want to have an epidural .
You basically wanted to have a natural pregnancy with no pain , yeah , just a natural pregnancy .
Yeah , yeah .
And the reason was is because there were some suggestions in this book that there were testimonies of many women who went through childbearing without pain .
The main woman said she didn't have pain .
She didn't have pain .
She prayed and she didn't . And to this day , I know women , you know that we've given my name they read the book and had no pain .
So you went into our first child like super faith , like I don't need an epidural , I don't need no medication , I barely need a doctor . Praise God , no , it wasn't that bad .
I wasn't arrogant about it , but I was really trying to believe God and stand in faith . And what happened ? Well you know , my water broke . I didn't go into labor , I needed to be induced . Then , 12 hours later , I actually had the baby . 24 hours later I was in labor for 12 hours and then just had the worst .
I mean , these pains are for real and I felt like I had a high pain tolerance and stuff like that . I endured the labor pains and then I started to shake uncontrollably by the time she started throwing up green stuff .
I endured the shaking , but then I had to go to the bathroom . By the time she started throwing up green stuff , we was like bring on the epidural , that's all that was . Bring on the epidural and that was our miracle right there I'm telling you I thank God for the epidural let me tell you so anyway .
I mean everything that it seemed like not everything , cause it could have been worse , and that was the lesson that I learned in this , but you know a lot of the things that were on my list .
It was like everything that I was believing for wasn't happening and um so , anyway , we had the baby and you know , there was just complications , but the baby came out healthy and I was healthy . It's like , at the end of the day , baby was healthy , I was healthy .
Okay , so long story short . How did you feel after that , after that ?
You feel like your faith failed Because I had overcome depression , I'd overcome all of these other things of my past , and this was the first time I believed God for something that didn't happen , overcome all of these other things of my past , and this was the first time I believed God for something that didn't happen .
Well , here's the thing , and this is what I had . So I had to deal with those things . What I learned in that was that you know sometimes what I was looking for . I was looking at the , for the things that didn't happen , but I was missing the big picture of what did happen . My baby is alive and healthy , and I am alive and healthy .
And what I did not also see was the things that God prevented , you know , the things that we didn't see . So I saw that , oh , I had all this pain in childbirth . The cord was wrapped around my baby's neck . That's why I was in labor for 24 hours . I kept pushing out , but the cord was bringing it back in .
I didn't see that God was giving breath to my baby . I didn't see all the other things that could have happened , that God kept from happening , and so in that process , I had to understand and really become , you know , just mature in my faith and things like that , is that it's not like , ah , I felt like I did something wrong .
I felt like , you know , my faith failed me . I felt like , well , this , I mean , surely God didn't do it , you know , do anything wrong , it had to be me . And what I did wrong . But I learned that I didn't do anything wrong . I had the audacity to believe .
I dared to walk by faith and not by sight , and if I had to do it again , I would do it again . You know what I mean ? I just wanted to believe God . But what I learned is that as difficulties came up , there was a time say , oh , we can't find the heartbeat in the name of Jesus .
We were , I mean , we just stood in faith the whole time and you were there with me . No , my baby's heart is fine , my baby's going to be fine . And we kept declaring the word of God and we overcame every battle . Okay , so everything that happened to me was another testimony of overcoming . Okay , my water broke and I didn't go into labor .
Thank God that I was induced . It was a way for me to overcome and get my body into labor . Okay , I felt pains . The pains were pushing the baby out . All right , I took an epidural for the pain . I overcame that challenge .
So everything that happened was still a form of me overcoming , and the end result was I had a baby , my baby's good , my baby's healed , healthy , and so am I .
Praise God . Well , where do I want to go with that ? So I think your story about that , because I'm trying to get to some principles .
Okay .
All right . Your story about that is like well , it's a book that I would recommend to anybody honestly , supernatural Child Barf by Jackie Mize . You can Google it , whatever . Like anything , any book written by a person , take the meat , leave the bones .
Yeah .
I feel like you went into a season of like I don't want to share certain principles and certain things just because you felt like you had such about or it didn't work for you .
But we've seen it work for so many different people .
Now , years later , I'm glad that you have that perspective , because the truth is that we've had healthy babies , healthy children .
God was there .
God helped us with every single part along the way . Yes , okay , if you go to baby number two , which is charity , what does she weigh in ?
nine pounds six ounces .
These are big babies . These are like small turkeys . These , these , these are these every pregnancy .
my baby was the biggest one and all the nurses would come and say , oh , we love your baby .
Was this , was this um ? Was this birth easier for you ? It was easier , yeah , why .
It was so much easier . I mean just , uh , I don't know , it was faith . I did the same faith process . I believed again . This time I went into labor . But I had a little bit of experience behind me to say , okay , if I feel pain , I'm going to get an epidural right away , because I'm about to sit up here and go into all of this pain .
But I'll believe God for no pain Great . But if I feel the pain I'm getting an epidural . I went in there .
So you're adding a little bit more wisdom now . Yeah , like it's like I'm going to believe God , but if I feel pain , keep that epidural close .
Thank you , lord , for the epidural . We're going to do the natural piece Exactly and you had no pain . No pain Because thank God for the epidural , because praise the Lord , and so um . So we went in there , got the epidural .
The first baby was 24 hours , this one 12 hours yeah , 12 hours um had my baby pushed it out . The baby was healthy , I was healthy , all good .
No , episiotomy . Episiotomy , yeah , still holding fast and no piece . Still holding on , still still holding on baby number three .
Baby number three last but not least baby , baby number three baby number three how much do you weigh in ?
at nine pounds 13 ounces ounces .
Getting bigger and bigger . Oh , my goodness , if we had a fourth minute , it would be like a grown child . This was a Thanksgiving turkey .
Okay , this was . This baby was huge and I loved him . He was so yummy . Okay , so baby number three , baby number three is getting really big , okay . And so we are in the doctor's office at an appointment . Doctor says look , I'm concerned that the baby's going to be too big for you to push out . You need to . I'm going to induce you .
She leaves the office . She says okay , go ahead , get your stuff together . You need to go upstairs to the pregnancy ward , to the labor room , and cause you're , we're inducing you , you're going to have this baby today . Ken and I say we don't want to be induced , let's just pray that this baby would come natural .
Just because I just like to do things naturally . You know , if you do it the natural way , let's do it . We prayed in the office . We left the office , got in the elevator , I go into labor . Literally I go into labor . The pains are coming . I know this is labor because I had two other babies .
We get out and it's probably two hours later we have the baby , like full-blown labor . They came in this time because this time I was just like you know what . Just give me the epidural up front . I'm not even going , I don't need to feel the pain . I don't want to feel the pain in the first place . Just bring me the epidural up front .
So I'm not really feeling pain .
I'm feeling like a lot of pressure and stuff and I know the baby's coming . The epi , the , the , the . Who is it ? The anesthesiologist comes in Right . And this time he says call me the candy man , cause I come and I say bring the candy man , bring the candy man . He gives me an epidural and he leaves .
But I I feel like you know what I don't think it worked because I feel a lot of pressure , like I feel a lot of pain . So we call the candy man back . Candy man comes back in and says that that shouldn't be , that's not right . Nurse comes and checks me . I'm like I'm in full blown labor . Okay , here we go , let's push this baby out .
I mean , just like a couple I don't even know if it was a couple of hours .
You probably pushed how many times .
I don't know Three times .
Yeah , and about a third baby yeah .
Three times and this nine-pound , 13-ounce baby boy comes out .
And from that moment , you know , Kenny had some challenges because he had stayed in there too long . And that's his personality .
He just liked to chill .
He's chilling and he kind of stayed in there too long , and so for the first 10 days or so he was in NICU , but the good news is that the hand of the Lord was there . Yes , and now he is 13 years old , he's healthy and he's vibrant and he's just a wonderful , a wonderful kid .
He is .
He is Through all three deliveries and pregnancies . We just stood on the word of God and you know , sometimes God promises you something at the hundredfold level and people feel like if they don't get the breakthrough at the hundredfold level , something's wrong with them .
And you feel like a failure .
Or something's wrong with God and that's not true . If you believe for the hundredfold level and get it on the 70-fold level , that's still better than getting it on the 10-fold and the 20-fold , Meaning that if we believe for the hundredfold and we believe for the best but we get like 50% , thank God for the 50% .
I guess the moral of the story is bring God into your delivery and your pregnancy and stand on the word of God , but don't ignore the natural as well , because faith without works is dead .
But here's the thing Don't get afraid when adversity comes . This is the advice for new moms . Don't get afraid when everything seems to be going perfect but adversity rises up . Like you get the labor pains or oh I can't find the heartbeat .
Don't get afraid when everything seems to be going perfect but adversity rises up Like you get the labor pains or oh , I can't find the heartbeat . Don't let that , you know , make you so afraid .
And now everything just goes downhill and you throw away everything we heard . Oh , we can't hear the heartbeat . Oh , the umbilical cord is wrapped around . We rebuke that in the name of Jesus , my baby shall live and not die and you speak peace and you stay calm and know that God is working for you .
Everybody in the whole room , everybody else is scared , you don't have to be scared , yeah , so that's just a little bit of advice .
But you know , I kind of wanted to bring this podcast , and this podcast was my idea because we were sitting on the couch and I was just like , hey , what would be your advice to new moms If you just wanted to pay it forward , everything that you've learned through raising three kids ? Give me some principles . And you gave me 12 .
I'm talking about I'm just sitting on the couch and I got a piece of paper out and I said what would you tell new moms ? And you said this and that and this and that , and I wrote them all down and I got them right here . I wanted you just to . I didn't even put them in order .
I don't know if you remember these , but I just want to throw out some things that we think can help new moms .
This is what you said .
You said you got to throw perfectionism out the door .
Oh yeah , I think .
Do you remember saying that no yeah .
I'm like what did I mean when I said that I think throwing perfectionism out the door ? As a mom , we nest . This goes here , that goes there . We have an idea and something in our mind of how we want our pregnancy to be , how we want our children to be .
You know as little girls we grow up with Barbie dolls and baby dolls and we're saying , you know , we're feeding our kids Like we have an idea of how we want things to be , and that can cause us . What happens is . What I've seen with stuff is that it doesn't turn out . It's not always like what you want it to be , and that can cause us .
What happens is and what I've seen with stuff is that it doesn't turn out . It's not always like what you want it to be . Not that it's not good , it's just different or comes about differently than what you expected . And I think that times , if your expectations aren't met , you can feel like a failure . You can feel like I'm not doing this right .
I suck , where's God ? You get mad at your husband , like all of these things if your expectations aren't met , and so throw perfectionism out the door in that . Ok . Well , you know , maybe you won't , the house is going to be messy for a little bit . You know what I mean . It's unless you have someone coming in and cleaning up after you and things like that .
It's like it's okay if the dishes are in the sink and overflowing . Like it's okay if a friend comes in and your laundry's not done and it's like in a pile over in the corner somewhere , like let people in your life .
My sister just had twins and she already has two . So now she has four kids under five . And I went up to help her . And these kids , oh my God , they wore me out . I was up there for about four hours . But let me tell you that what you just have two babies and you got twins .
You don't care about them , dirty dishes , you don't care about what's in the corner , you can't you can't you can't sit up there and feel bad . No , you got to right now .
But help is huge .
Number two you said have proper priorities , have proper priorities .
What did I mean when I said that ? I think probably on the lines of prior , you know , knowing what's most important , and so birthday parties and weddings and other baby showers , and you know different things that we may need . You know we feel like we are obligated to attend .
We're not obligated , Like you have , to prioritize your life and where you are in the moment . You know there have been a lot of things that we've had to say no to and miss because I didn't have the bandwidth , I didn't have the capacity to go and do all of these extra things because I was just trying to be a mom .
And I will say don't compare yourself to other moms too . I think , moms have almost like mom competitions who can post and look like the best mom , and sometimes you got to get off Instagram and stop trying to be the best mom ever , because I noticed that you're a great mom .
But if you look at other moms , you'll actually feel like you suck , because we was just talking about this yesterday Cause , um , you were looking at one of your friends and she had all of her kids .
Take this picture and everybody was matching and all this stuff and you're color coordinated yeah and um , I was just like sorry .
I was cutting you off . I wasn't trying to take over . I was just adding to what you were saying .
But I was just like , oh my gosh , how did she get her kids to do this ? I'm like we have to threaten our children to look like you want to be in this picture . You know what I mean . Like , how did she do that ? Like , where have we failed ? No , but other people , you know , have strengths and you know you have a strength .
And what you said back to me was like , well , yeah , she might look at you and say , well , wow , how does she cook like that ? How does she get all this food together for her family like that ?
Well , that's because that's my strength , you know , and you , you know , I admire the fact that she got her kids all color-coordinated and was able to take that picture . Like , wow , you know , but maybe she would admire the fact that I can provide food for my family like that .
But anyway , All right , all right , here's something that you said take care of yourself .
Take care of yourself . I think that's so important because , as moms , we prioritize our children over us , we prioritize our spouse over us , and I think we have to pay attention to the scripture where it says to love your neighbor as yourself . I think that's so important because you've got to think about as yourself .
So basically , what it's saying is love your neighbor like you would love yourself . The problem is we can't love our neighbor like they should be loved because we don't love ourselves , like we're not taking care of ourselves .
So there is a biblical implication that you prioritize , you should be loving yourself , you should be taking care of yourself , because if you aren't , if you don't take care of yourself , how are you going to take care of ?
everybody else . How would a new mom take care of themselves ? Let's talk about a new mom that just had a baby . I mean , they're breastfeeding , they're trying to get this baby Like in that first month or two or three months , is it even possible to take care of yourself ? I ?
mean it is , and you have to give yourself grace , tons of grace , and don't sweat the small stuff , meaning , like we said , prioritizing . You know you can't . It is about you right now . You do have to be selfish right now for your family , because when you first have the baby , your body is now .
It took you nine months you know 40 weeks to prepare , to give birth to this baby , give your body time to regress , to get back to you know , not having this baby , and so you have to allow your body time to heal . I think that you have to sleep , sleep , sleep , sleep , sleep . When your baby sleeps , you sleep .
Okay , that's a great hack . Say that again .
When your baby sleeps , you sleep . That's hard when you have other smaller kids , but if you have older kids , let them babysit . You know , let them babysit each other , or you know some of the things that I did and I am not ashamed about this .
We made it a big deal in our home like books , read books and not to give them devices and not to give them TVs . Except like in the house , we usually don't do that .
So our kids still don't have TVs in their room and we have a rule where they can't take cell phones and devices into their room right and we have 19 , 15 and 13 year olds right , that was just intentional , that's just a decision we made right and so , but you know , when we're in the restaurant , please , here , take my phone and play with it .
you know what I mean , because we need you to be distracted , but also when mama needs to take a nap .
Listen , I would have a playpen , you know , like the gates and stuff , okay , and I would put on like Dora the Explorer , I would put on Yo Gabba Gabba , I would put on some type of cartoon and let it play for an hour while they were in their gate and mommy was sitting here laying on the couch and they had a snack and everything , and mommy would take a
nap . Let me tell you .
Can you give us some more practical stuff like that ? I mean , of course we put childproof things on all the cabinets and doors and we would do a gate to where the gate would actually keep the child , especially in a certain area I had several gates .
I had a gate that kept the kids from going in the kitchen , and the kitchen had two openings , so I had two gates , like the child just can't get in .
I also had a gate on our bedroom , a gate on the stairway , so , like I didn't care , I had as many as gates as I needed to , so because I didn't want to wear myself out running around after the kids all the time . So we just said , hey , for the next few years we're just going to have these gates . What about ?
like having a schedule for kids Schedule saved my life .
OK , as a mom and it's it takes work to get the schedule in place , but once it's in place , your kids love it and you love it .
And so I worked from the very beginning and bringing the kid , the baby , home , into getting them used to not sleeping in my bed with me , getting them used to sleeping in their own room and having schedules , and so we did things like every morning at a certain time . Lights are on , windows are open , we hear the birds singing and we're out and about .
That means it's up . Everybody's up At a certain time at night , we would hey , lights down , it's time to go to bed .
Well , when the kids were small , you would always take a nap at a certain time in the day too . I skipped over that I was going to go back to it .
But at nighttime we turn down all of the lights Because it's nighttime . We are respecting the night . I say it's quiet time .
The moon is out . What time is quiet time in our house ? 7 o'clock , but that's still today .
Still today .
That's still today . About 8 o'clock or so is quiet time , and so even though our kids are older now , they're still trained Like nobody .
No kid in our house is up just walking around at 10 pm or 11 pm or 12 pm , unless there's like something like I got this test , I got to study , we got old kids now , but everybody's pretty much done by 8.30 because that's the way it's been from the beginning . So what I'm talking about is systems and schedules right from the beginning .
So you have a time where they got up , yes . You have a time when they go to bed yes .
Well , I'm talking about how I did it when I went to bed , because there's a process in that , there's something in your mind . So every night we would make the house quiet . That means we turn the TV off and we had a bedtime routine .
Kids if you listen to psychiatrists and doctors , kids love consistency , they love schedules , they want to know what to expect and so every day at probably a certain time , they probably went to bed at 7.30 , something like that . But every day , let's say seven o'clock , we turn all the lights down , we get the house ready for nighttime , we take a bath .
Every day they took a bath because it calmed their bodies . I'd put a little lavender lotion on them , lavender under their feet . If they felt like they were too hyper and excited or maybe they weren't feeling well , put a little lavender , you know , like essential oils , things like that .
Where it was like they loved the process of going to bed because they were tired , because they were wore out . Mama wore them out , you know , I wore them out during the day , um , so I would do things like that . We took a bath , we went into the room , um , we read a book , we prayed , we had a little baby nightlight .
We leave their little nightlight on and then they would go to sleep , get into the bed and they're asleep for the night . They're done . We taught them how to sleep in their own bed and then go ahead . And then what that meant is now that mom can leave and go to bed . I went right to bed . I'm not up trying to say no , I am going to bed .
We can have some mommy daddy time and mommy's out .
We're going to bed , and that's important to say as well . So you still left space for your marriage Absolutely , and that's important . But we were only able to do that because the kids had a rhythm of going by certain times , so if they're down by eight , and we're together by 830, . You can be asleep by nine .
And and and it was so good to us because , okay , so back to the naps now . And so in the middle of the day we had a nap time , because our kids , like , if they didn't have a nap , it was over , Like they just , it was just done , they were cranky , like they wanted to take a nap .
So in the middle of the day we would want now , I wouldn't make it like dark , like it was nighttime , but in the middle of the day we would make things a little quiet and I would go into their room and just draw their curtains a little bit and they would lay down for and I'd close the door and they would take a nap , like every single day .
Then they'd wake up , they'd get a snack and we'd go out on the playground . I made sure that I did things like have you know , either my kids were climbing trees , they were , you know , getting in the jungle gym , going swimming anything .
They got a little bit older , five , six , no , I'm talking about the toddlers and you know , like .
I mean , we're getting them out there . Yes , and we are . You know , we're getting them exercising and doing things , exploring the world so that they are ready to take a nap and they're ready to go to sleep at nighttime .
Anyway , I guess I say that to say there are just literal things , because sometimes I hear parents say that it's so hard for them to get their kids to go to bed or to take a nap in the middle of the day and it would . It would be hard for me too if maybe we got everything going on and you know like it's .
It's like the whole house came to a rest at certain times .
One thing that I did for new moms and getting the babies to sleep in the bed like as as infants um , I would , because I I breastfed and so I would take and if we went on like a vacation or something , I would take the receiving blankets and I would sleep with them and then when I left , I'd put them in a plastic bag so that , like the babysitter , at
nighttime they'd pull out this fresh receiving blanket that had mom's smell on it . I'd put it right here , wrap it around my , like my chest and my breasts and things , because milk and you know , would come out on it and stuff . But babies smell mom . Babies know when mom enters the room because they have this amazing sense of smell .
They smell her milk , and so when my baby , they laid the baby down for a nap , they put that receiving blanket in there and it was so comforting to the baby .
And so I knew that now , at night , when I was letting the baby lay in the crib for the first time for themselves and getting used to sleeping throughout the night , what I would do is our nursing pads , because there's nursing pads that we use . Mamas , you know this .
We have a nursing pad in there and I wouldn't throw it away , but I would take it out and I would affix it so that it wouldn't be dangerous to the baby , like right there on the crib . Tape it to the crib and now the baby's sitting there sleeping and they can smell like mama's right there next to them . I'm telling you , it works like a wonder .
It just comforts them and lets them feel like mom's in the room .
Well , so you said that when we would travel you would do that . So you had a baby and you were nursing and you traveled ? Yeah , that's interesting . So , because I know there's some that might be nursing and feel like I can't travel and I can't do date nights . It's almost like they're so strapped to the baby . But I think we did that on purpose .
We did For our marriage and stuff I can remember you pumping and even dump sometimes just because you wanted to keep your milk going , so you were pumping dump and that's painful to pump milk and then dump it out . But you wanted to keep the supply going Cause , even though we were away , I remember going like where were we at ?
I don't know . Hannah was probably like six , seven months or , you know , maybe eight , nine , you know , in that older space where we could leave , yeah , but it's so important that we still had that , like you , even had the faith to do that to leave a seven month old oh yeah , at home with someone because I organized it like you know , like why not ?
everything was organized . She was there with nana . Nana loved her . Nana could take care of her . She was like a grandma to her and um , I would . I had all I had milk for months frozen in the freezer . Like you know , she had a wonderful supply . This child wasn't missing out on anything .
Mommy and daddy needed to go out and have some time for themselves and we did it , and it was wonderful .
That's good . What if someone who has a career and they're like , how much do I work versus how much do I take care of kids ? It's almost like this undertone for moms , where some feel guilty for working too much and then some feel stressed out from being home with the kids too much Like baby baby , baby baby . I got a degree but I'm baby baby .
What's the balance here ? Or is there a balance ?
I mean , I think it's , I don't know . There's a balance , but it's a . I feel like it's more like this it's moving . You know so and I've been there . It's moving , you know so and I've been there . So we're like , you know , I have the baby and I'm like , oh , I want to be at home , I want to take care of my baby .
Then I'm at home and I'm taking care of the baby , but then I start to feel like , oh my gosh , I need to get out and have grown up . Conversation . I have a college degree , I want to go to work and you know you come off about .
So then you start working home and you're spending time with your baby , and then you feel like , oh my gosh , I'm neglecting my job . And so there's just like this balance . You just want to make sure that you don't get like here and stay here , and here and stay here .
You just kind of you have to work to keep it on balance , and I think that's where the struggle comes is just keeping this so-called balance . Do you know what I mean ? Because it's like I would feel like I have to have one or the other . Either you're going to be great at your job or great at your mother , and that's not the case For some people .
Okay , do that , but for me it was a little bit of both . For me , I was able to work from home at some times and I was able to go into the office for seasons , you know , at a time , and then come back home . But I figured out something for me and what worked for me .
Yeah , I also believe it's like to each his own . There's a grace . There's some people who , like they , really want to work , and daycare is a blessing or hiring a nanny is a blessing or using a relative is a blessing .
You know , my mom and dad worked the whole time , and so I remember being with my grandparents all the time because that's where I would go until they got off work . I developed a great relationship with my grandparents . I didn't feel as a kid I missed anything . I felt like I had a great upbringing .
Then there are some people that just want to stay home with their baby , and that's all right too . That's where their grace is . I think it's important for women to know don't try to be anybody else . Yes , find your grace for the seasons that you're in , and then sometimes it kind of needs to teeter-totter a little bit . I'm like this here .
Well , I want to do this here , and that's okay too . What would you say ? People have babies and it's almost like they're scared to put the baby in daycare , they're scared to put the baby in kids church . They're scared to be away from the baby at all . Can you talk to that at all ?
We're all you know , at first everyone's scared . Everyone feels like that at first . I remember the first time dropping my baby off at the nursery . I wanted to run in there and get her back . You know , at church it's church and church people that I love and I'm like I don't know who that is with my baby , looking at people judging people .
You're trying to discern spiritually whether I want to leave my baby with this person . I mean , it's just that mom , dad protective instinct . So the problem is when you allow it to paralyze you , when you allow it to paralyze you Right , when you allow it to prevent you from doing what you know you , you know it's okay to put your baby in there .
I got a feeling that there's a lot of people that are allowing themselves to be there longer than what they should .
Yeah , you know yeah .
I believe that there are people that they allow themselves to be there because the baby's crying . Well , babies are going to cry when they first get left in daycare . They cry crying . Well , babies are going to cry when they first get left in daycare and then they get used to it later on .
Babies are going to cry when you first take the bottle away , but then they're going to get used to it later on . You're going to have to be bold enough to know what's right for your baby .
Yes , yes , I think one of the things that helped me is that I grew up having brothers and sisters . I was the oldest in my house and so I helped raise some of my change a diaper . I knew what crying babies were like . I had so many cousins and things like that so I wasn't like my baby crying didn't bother me . It's like the baby cries .
I get up and take care of my baby , but it's like it's okay . I think , when it gets like if you never want to put your baby in the nursery at church , that's okay . If you never want to drop your baby off at daycare , if that's okay , you don't have to .
But if it comes to the point that now you are so inconvenienced you don't get the word because your baby cries and , you know , is so loud in the auditorium or the sanctuary all the time you got to walk out , you can't even get the word um .
Or you know , now you , you , you really need to work and you want to work and you're at home and you're frustrated and you even want more money . You're trying to pay the bills but you won't because you're afraid and you don't want to put your child in daycare and you don't want anybody else taking care of your child .
That's where the problem is , because now you're being led by fear .
Well , yeah , I mean , I don't know . I kind of feel like you're being nice when you said , if you don't want to put your baby in kids' church .
That's your prerogative . It is , but it might hurt you . You're going to come to church .
You're trying to worship for the next three years holding a kid .
At some point .
You got to overcome that . It's not like well , no , that's just okay , that's just what I like , because people believe that , but that's just what I like . They like to be with me and I just like to be with them .
You got three kids sitting out here and it's really fear .
It's fear . Your kids need to be in a place where they can get the word on their level . You need to not disrupt everybody else in the auditorium . You need to be able to focus yourself so you have all of these things built around you . Just kind of using that as an instance .
Well , I , you know , for us I would go and leave Hannah , you know , and my baby in the nursery . And I say I'm focused on Hannah because when we had the other kids , you know , we were pastors , you know , and it's like , you know , relieve . Well , somebody else had the kid . They're still in the nursery .
We didn't have a choice yeah , we didn't have a choice but you and I , we would go hand in hand and sit down in church , we would serve in our respective areas of service and we would sit down , husband and wife . Blessed , you know , because it's free daycare .
Yes , Free daycare . Praise God for them . Church people Come on .
It was like a break .
We would do stuff . You lead them kids in the kids church and they loved her .
Oh , we love your baby .
She's so cute . And then the kids grew up to where they love church . Yeah , and it's a wonderful match made .
They have friends , so that's what .
I'm saying I don't know , if , like I understand , you're being nice .
I'm saying it is your prerogative .
You cannot do it , but it's going to hurt you in the long run . Well , I'll tell you what I'm saying , this is what I believe , and this is where I see some women miss it . And you got to tell me , because I'm not a woman . So please just balance it all out , but this is what I see .
I see women who used to serve in the church used to be on fire for God . They have babies .
And it's like they don't serve anymore because they have a baby and it's like , okay , even though we have a baby , we still got to be who the Bible's called us to be , and the best thing that you can do for your kids and for your baby is for them to see you serve in the house of God all the days of your life . So I do .
If I was to give any advice , let me just call it fatherly advice , pastoral covering advice . I would say after six months at the very least , you need to start finding your way back into regular spiritual disciplines .
Yeah .
Which means serving in church , which means getting to work , which means all that being a part of the community . Being a part of the community . So after six months Now , I think it was about three months when we put our child back in . Yeah , but I'm just saying if I had to give you what I think is , it starts to get unhealthy .
Seven months , eight months , are you serving ? No , I haven't served . How old is the baby ? Two , okay , that's just like we wouldn't have no church if that was our case .
You know what ?
I'm saying we cannot allow the blessings of the Lord now to stop us from the things he's called us to do . Do you agree with that ?
I mean , yeah , I agree , I agree . But I know that there are people who you know they just have a baby and let's just say I agree . Here's the thing the church is a community . It's a community of believers . And when I get pregnant and I have a baby , it's like , yeah , you can take off work .
Maybe you say I'm not going to work anymore because I'm at home taking care of my kids . But work is not church .
Work is not service . It's not being a .
Christian Exactly , and so now I don't know if women know how to adjust .
That's right . Help us adjust .
Maybe I served as a greeter and now I've had this baby . But I don't want to disconnect from my baby , or that's just not . I don't have the schedule to do that anymore . But what I can do is volunteer in the children's church . You know what I mean . With my baby , I can . Okay , I'm serving during a nine o'clock service . I'm with my baby .
Or you can lead a small group for new moms .
Yeah , small group yes .
But there's still something that you can do to build the kingdom , because you have something to give and you have to receive as well .
You have to keep being fed , but you also have something that you have to give to this community as well . That's amazing .
Is there any other hacks that you would give us for those ? And that's what it is . They don't know how to get readjusted in the community . They used to be at the church 24 hours a day and now they got married and have a kid and they don't know how to step back into the role , because the role is going to be different than it was before .
But you still have to find a way . Is there anything else that you could give us that helps us not be ?
disconnected . It's just that it's finding friends or other people who are moms . There should be one person at least that can speak into your life , that you can go to check up on , so that they can help you .
In these feelings , these emotions , there's so much that we go through as being a mom and sometimes we don't know how to appropriate those feelings and those emotions . We don't know and I think I thank you because that's where a husband's role comes into .
It can be really hard for a mom because this baby was literally a part of us , we grew this baby in our body and so sometimes it's hard for us to go like this , you know , and like disconnect from the baby , because we feel like we're growing apart from the baby .
Now that I mean like we , we will come with all , come up with all kinds of things in our head . So there is a real psychological , emotional , physiological connection that the woman has with the baby . But we need other women in our lives . We need Naomi and Ruth's in our lives , you know .
We need people who will speak into our lives and say girl , I know I felt like that . Here's what you need to do . What are your goals ? What do you want to do . Okay , here's how you work toward those goals , because you might want to just be or not just be a stay at home , but you might want to stay at home for your child's complete childhood .
You might want to stay at home for three months . You might want to stay at home for a year . Okay , let me help you walk through this . I would say that other women in your life is key . It's key to have other women .
Well , that's another podcast for another day , because I see a lot of women who don't let women really speak into their life .
I'm just going to be honest with you .
I got a lot of men leaders in this church and I see them reaching up and I see them developing brotherhood . They will call each other , pray for each other , tell each other their secrets , and I don't see a lot of women doing the same and that's been my one thing , even with you . I tell you all the time okay , who have you reached out to about that ?
Is that a woman thing where it's like , well , I got this , well , they're busy , I don't want to bother anybody . You have accountability . Is not somebody chasing you down , accountability is you saying . This is where I am right now in my life . This is where I need prayer . Mentor , pastor , can you speak in this ? Can you help me with this ?
You know what I'm saying .
And so I think I don't know , is that .
I I'm saying , and so I think I don't know is that I don't think . I think women we're , we can get so busy , busy , busy , busy , doing this and doing everything for everybody else , and it's again .
It's that thing of we take care of ourself last and in the back of our mind , we feel like we got that , oh , don't worry about that , so we'll go to other people for other people but not for ourselves , because we feel like , oh , we got that .
Oh no , you think that's what it is .
I thought it was pride , I mean , it could be pride .
I mean , I'm just like I'm thinking about people who have your number and won't even text or ask you advice or so forth and so on . Listen , if I got somebody's number that I feel like really can speak into who I am as a leader and as a pastor , Like one of my overseers .
Just when it comes to Kenny , he has three boys and I love the way he's raised his boys . Hey bro , this is what's going on , what you think about it . Hey bro , this is what's going on , what you think about it .
I love it .
This is what's going on , what you think about it , I love it . You know what I'm saying .
I just think it's a good quality , the best help that I've had in those places . As a child , I mean as I was raising kids the best things happened when I was in the toughest moments . Other women came in and rescued me .
Yeah , whether it was breastfeeding , whether it was finding a bra for nursing bra , whether it was with the kids as they became teenagers and started getting older . Kids who were in college like , yeah , I go to other women and they pour into me .
Thank you , Holy Spirit . I got this . One other thing that just came to my mind and please talk about it , because I'm a guy and I'm a very loving guy . I'm a dad . I have a man's perspective .
You're giving the disclaimer up front . Okay , what are you about to say ?
This is what I want to know . I just lost it . I just lost it .
What was it ? Bring it back , Lord Bring it back . I mean , you said , you were so thankful that this first came up .
Maybe you shouldn't say it , and that's why I can't remember what it was , Wow .
well , we were talking about getting the help of another woman pouring into us .
Oh , I know what it ? Is Okay . So I've noticed that a lot of women when they have , when they get pregnant , they don't tell anybody for the first trimester . Yeah , and I'm trying to figure out why .
I just had a conversation about that and it was really good and I think we figured out , like we know why . Um , so when it's now just a common part of society , you know in general practice , when it comes to medicine and pregnancy , that , um , the doctor tells you to keep this a secret .
Maybe not tell anyone because they consider high risk pregnancy high risk in the first semester . They say , until you get to the second , the first trimester I'm sorry , the first trimester is high risk , so you might want to keep this to yourself . And so it's already being thrown out there that , okay , this might not work out , so keep it a secret .
And then it is the worst thing . It's medical advice , it's , you know and I'm not getting down on medicine or anything like that , but from a believer's perspective that you know , at conception life begins . And so I remember us when we , you know we got pregnant , you know I I got a home pregnancy test .
I came downstairs with a stick , we're pregnant , and I told everybody at that moment because I am pregnant , you know what I mean Like maybe we waited to go to the doctor and you know , get , you know whatever , I don't know , but it was at the moment I was pregnant .
Now I talked to another pregnant lady who she couldn't get an appointment until the second trimester , like she was so far in . So they didn't tell people because they it was just kind of like , well , I didn't go to the doctor yet to confirm it , but then again it's like you're pregnant , you , we peed on the stick , we're pregnant .
Here's my apostolic concern , prophetic pastoral concern .
Yeah .
Is that we are beginning that pregnancy in fear and we're waiting just in case stuff don't work out or in case things go bad . It's either superstition like I don't want to jinx myself or it's fear , and to me that's just not the way that the believer has been called to walk by faith , and the question is where do we get that from ?
again , we don't get that from the bible , right , we don't get that from the bible , that that when you get pregnant , you're pregnant , that child is , is in the earth , is please understand .
I'm not hating on anybody who does that . If that's what you want to do , you can do that , but you have to examine yourself and say what's the secret that's all why am having a secret .
I'm pregnant or I'm not . Listen . This is doing life with Ken and Tabitha .
And from us when I get pregnant . I'm celebrating it because I received , by faith , the fruit of the womb is his reward . The number of our days . We shall fulfill . No weapon formed against me shall prosper . He's called me to replenish the earth , multiply and replenish , and I am celebrating it .
I'm not trying to keep it like oh , I got to reach this certain .
In case something goes wrong .
I don't want to , In case something goes wrong .
But here's the opposite of that . What if , okay , you got . What if something did go wrong ? Don't you need . Let me pray with you , let me believe with you , but nothing's going wrong .
That's what I'm getting at .
Here's the thing .
I just had someone who went through a very challenging situation . Something went wrong , but not enough people knew to even really cover and care . And so I'm talking to the person like well , pastor , I hate to tell you what happened . Like , no , tell me what happened . But no one knew because I knew , because of just discernment , that the person was expecting .
But this is like weeks later we're finding out like no , let people cover you , pray for you , get everybody involved and , if God forbid , ok , they'll be there to counsel you and help you and help you have right perspective all through it . I can't call it , it just feels like that's . That's that's not trending in the walk by faith and not by sight category .
It's trending on medical advice and concern , and maybe some superstition , and maybe not always , but that's just . I would love to pay that forward and just help somebody . That's just not what we've done .
We wouldn't give you that advice at all . You're pregnant . We celebrate To me it's speaking life , like , hey , this is what the Lord is doing . I'm prophesying . I am like , no , it's . You know this , this is what's going on . Hey , I want you to know about it because pray with me hey , this is a new chapter of our life and our family .
One can chase a thousand , but two can put 10,000 in the flight . We're believing for a perfectly healthy , you know , pregnancy , and I mean it's just all of the Bible . Principles go against . Oh , I need to keep this a secret , just in case . That's just a door for fear and all of that stuff . So I don't know .
It's no condemnation on people who do choose to do that , but it's not what we chose to do .
Yeah , it's just a different perspective . I think the reason that I like to share real life stuff because people get the opportunity to take it or leave it . If you're like that I like to share real life stuff because people get the opportunity to take it or leave it . If you're like I don't agree with that and I'm just going to wait .
Okay , that's fine , you do you . But if somebody hears in that , oh man , that might be fear . I've been called to walk by faith and when we get to heaven we figure out that , yeah , that might've been fear . I'm going to be glad that I shared my life with you in that way . So it's nothing that I would never want anybody to feel bad or feel guilty .
I just want us all to grow and that has been something for us . That , no , we didn't do . That . That ain't even our mindset . I don't care what doctors say I know a doctor that's never lost a patient . So I always want to impart that boldness and confidence and authority wherever we can , out of the spirit of love .
That's all uh-huh , that's all such a great thing to celebrate to your pregnancy . I remember being pregnant , like you know , not showing it all , hey , I'm pregnant . We having a baby , like watch out , like I'm ready , like I want everybody to know . Yeah , you know just just everything . It's just it's . I loved having babies . I loved being pregnant .
It was just the best thing and I love babies . I'm looking forward to my grandbabies . I'm not rushing them , but when I get my grandbabies I am just going to kiss their little face , their little baby lips . I'm kissing them right on the face well , people , we're out of time .
35 minutes to go . The wheels have fallen off this bus officially .
It is now rolling on rims right now . This is really why I want a dog , because I don't have any more babies .
Well , thank you so much for tuning in to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We've enjoyed having this talk with you guys today . We hope that we provided you some kind of help . You know we've given you our very best . We'll continue to pray for you guys .
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