Beyond Infatuation: Three Critical Questions for Lasting Marriage

Now here's the deal 50% of people who get married end in divorce , but 100% who get married think it's going to last forever . Maybe not 100% . Some people get married , like you know , and they got some demented stuff in their mind , whatever . But what I'm saying is that the majority of people who get married is like this is till death does us part .

There's no need to get married if you don't believe that . But half of them actually have a future that's coming . That they don't see and they don't believe when they say I do . So how we enter into this covenant relationship and the questions that we ask is huge . These are the three game changers here . Are you ready ?

And my concern is that people marry an image more than they do a real person , meaning that when we first got together , I married an image your shape , your size , the needs that you met for me as a young man back then , not really taking in consideration the woman that you would become , how your figure would change , how you would change emotionally , spiritually

and also physically . And so the question is can you handle me changing ? Because it's just like Uncle Greg said she's going to gain weight . That's not a prophylact over everybody , that's just saying she's going to gain weight . That's not a prophylact over everybody , that's just saying she's going to change ?

Can your love go beyond the change that we both will endure ?

Yes , but I think that many times our focus is so much on ourself and we don't think that that person is changing . So we give ourself grace I'm going to change , but we really haven't taken into consideration .

I'm going to just tell you that when I was 19 , 20 years old and I asked you to marry me , I didn't think I didn't count the cost that you would change . Yeah , I had no clue . I wasn't that foresighted . I was very short sighted . Yeah , I had no clue . I wasn't that foresighted , I was very short sighted .

For example , I'm no longer depressed , I'm no longer bound by fear , I'm no longer , you know , this kind of insecure person . You know that I was .

I might have liked doing that because I felt like I'm the man and I'm exposing you to the world and things you've never seen before . But now you turn into this boss lady where you tell me what to do all the time , and if I can't handle that change then i'm'm going to want to strangle you .

And then later on , um , she realizes that that's not necessarily chastity and so she don't put her belly button out there . Her belly button's been stretched by these three big head babies . She pushed out , or um high heels . Now her , her feet , like they do , tear your feet up . Or , like you know , wearing some , wearing some .

You know , we used to call them Daisy Dukes , what they call them now Daisy Dukes , the little butt huggers , I don't know .

Now , if all of a sudden you change and you're not giving your best for me anymore and now I don't like the way you dress and your beards down to your knees and you don't brush your teeth , that's going to be hard to deal with . It's going to make me irritated by you .

And so I think , when you do a podcast on the importance of keeping yourself attractive for your spouse and also for you , you know .

But I think about a woman let's make it , you know , equal opportunity who marries a guy because he has the six pack , you know , and he's so ambitious and he's the life of the party , 20 years , 30 years into the marriage , he has a keg and he , you know , is a stay home dad , you know , can you still love him ? Can you handle

me ?

I think there's some little hints and clues that we can find . So , for example , when we got married , I was always I was athletic , you were athletic , I was . I've been a runner my whole life . I would do miles a week and , yes , I had babies . And I was also healthy . I was a vegetarian .

I was an unhealthy vegetarian at the point at the time , but I did care about my health . I like to cook for myself and I like to just take care of my body . So that was part of the qualities like those probably aren't going to go away , OK , you know . So I had babies .

I gained 60 pounds with my first baby 60 pounds and was eating nothing but oranges and vegetables .

I wasn't the kind of person so like if you're going to marry someone who doesn't exercise and they like to hit up the drive-thru all the time , you can probably predict is you're probably going to see that after your youth , you know , is going to leave at one point and that metabolism is going to slow down .

And if you don't take care of yourself now , you're probably not going to take care unless there's a major change .

You said this was for rich or poor , sickness or health till death does its part , and I think that sometimes we don't really think about the poor season or the sick season or the overweight season or the challenge season , and our love is not unconditional . I love you as long as you do this , and so I think what you're saying is 100 percent right .

I think what you're saying is 100 percent right , that we should try our best to be the best we can be , but at the same time , I think that love should cover a multitude of sins , weaknesses , shortcomings , all of that stuff . And sometimes , when I look at the couples who've made it , somehow their love has blinded them to the person .

You know what I'm saying . Their love has blinded them to the person . You know what I'm saying . If I look at a 90 year old man with an 88 year old wife and they just barely walking , barely making it , I'm thinking that their love has overcome the frailty , their body changing , dysfunctions , whatever have you .

Let's use an example of a married woman who gets disappointed because he can't keep a job for a long time . But he was like that before you married him .

We try to train them into something , and I understand , because we want the two to be one and walk in unison , just like any team or company . But the question is can you handle me not changing ? Can you handle that ? That's a question that you need to ask somebody .

Can you handle me not changing because of the subconscious pressure of trying to change somebody into something that they're not changing , because of the subconscious pressure of trying to change somebody into something that they're not ?

not changing ? You have to be a fruit inspector that you know a tree by its fruit and with finances , with whether they're on time or not , with what kind of food they eat and their eating habits and their lifestyle habits . What friends do they hang around . These are all . If they don't change their circle of friends , are you still going to love them ?

Can you still be with them for the rest of their lives ?

I know some wives that are trying to change their husbands into something that they will never change into never want to be , never even thought they needed to be before they got married , and the marriage sucks because the wife is trying to change the husband into something that he can't change into .

Vice versa , there's guys that's trying to change their wife into something that she is just not . So the question is valid .

They want to do bit , you know , do ministry and everything , and take over the world . But their spouse is like I'm good . If it's the wife , she's like look , I got these kids , I'm taking care of these kids , I'm good staying at home , I'm good doing this , you'm good making dinner , whatever .

Or the husband's like look , I got this job , it pays our benefits , it pays our lights , I'm good with this . I like having time on the weekend to sit down and watch the football games and take my children to their basketball games .

I don't want to take over the world , but the person who does want to take over the world , they look down like oh , they don , they don't do this and that and they're not an influencer and they don't , you know , like , and that's not fair . That's not fair .

But how he leads might be different than how you would lead , how another husband is leading and if you are projecting expectations on him that he cannot meet because that's not his personality or his gifting , we got to figure out how he can lead , but out of his gift , out of his wheelhouse out of his gift set , and that's a big one . It's a big one .

ain't but celebrate what he is . Absolutely .

Many times we think we're born with them , but they have to be developed , they have to be cultivated , they have to be learned and there's no like school of being a husband or school of being a father . But let's get to the third one .

This is the third question I feel like you got to ask before marriage , and it is will you love me when you don't like me ? Okay , I think in life you're going to have rifts . It's just life .

You know , this question really makes me think of the infatuation stage of relationships and I think the infatuation stage statistically is the first three months to three years , they say , and that's when endorphins are high and you have butterfly feelings in your stomach off the newness of a relationship .

But I think we get stuck in that stage and then we compare the rest of our relationship to that stage . We actually idolize the infatuation stage . But the infatuation stage is only a stage . And then we compare our spouse , or even God sometimes

, to how things was in the beginning , when I first got filled with the Holy Spirit . It's like I heard the voice of God and I prayed and got answers 20 years and I just don't feel that same way any longer . It's because now you're supposed to be grown in your relationship . That was the infatuation stage , Same with a marriage relationship .

When we first got together you could do no wrong , Like touch me , breathe on me , whatever the kids don't like do it all . I just wanted to be in your presence . But I make a mistake if I now , 24 years into this marriage , always judge the infatuation stages or highlights when it was only a stage .

And so the truth is is that as we continue on this journey , there's going to be stages and there's going to be stages of your cycle . There's going to be stages we don't feel good , there's going to be stages where maybe we made an investment that went awry . But can you love me when you don't like me ? Can you love me when you don't like me ?

I'm happy to say that we're best friends . I do love you and I don't just love you , but I also like you . I believe that , you know , liking is a very important part of our relationship . I mean , I don't want to undermine it . Like love is huge , like everything we do . It's the agape love of God , 1 Corinthians 13 .

It's patient , it's kind , it's long suffering , it doesn't keep an account of evil , et cetera , et cetera . But I don't know . I think it's important that we also like each other . And if you fall out of like , I think you can do some things to start to fall back into life .

And sometimes liking is a first step to loving , just like loving is a first step to liking . You know , I choose to love you and then , because I choose to love you , I'm going to figure out a way to like you . That doesn't mean I like everything you do . That doesn't mean I like all of your idiosyncrasies . That just means that my lover covers all those .

But at the same time I'm going to choose to like you , you but at the same time I'm going to choose to like you . You've taken my last name . You're my best friend . We've built businesses together . We've built ministry together . You've cared for me when I haven't felt good . I've cared for you when you haven't felt good .

And if we can't be mature enough to find out our like inside of the love , I think we need to go back to the drawing board and start to date again and start to be fascinated with each other again . And you know , I was holding you the other day and I , because I could smell your like , your smell , and I could feel your skin .

I did have a little butterfly , a little infatuation stage butterfly , because I was so intentional of focusing on my care for you , and I think that the infatuation stage might get drug out a little bit longer with some intentionality . I don't know anything else on that . I feel like I'm kind of done .

sometimes we just accidentally , just you know , there's a spark in a blaze and it's like whoa , what's that ? And the you know , you and I both feel the butterflies . It might be like on vacation at the beach or you know just somewhere . It's just like it might be an old song that we listened to and you know , it's just , marriage is good .

But I do want to say this before we , because this is to what to do before you get married and I think , in order to kind of safeguard yourself from have sex before you're married . Because if you , I think sex once you have sex and I'll speak for a woman once you have sex , I mean you just emotionally is there . You know what I mean .

Like you know you're going to overlook a whole lot of stuff because you are emotionally connected to this guy and so he could be , you know , cheating on you . He could be like the worst . But that connection that you have and how you've opened yourself up to him , how you've given yourself to him , it's kind of like you just overlook a whole lot of stuff .

And when you get married you figure out I don't even like him , we don't like the same food , we don't even like to do that . You know like , don't

do that . And it's never too late to say OK , yeah , we are in a sexual relationship right now , but let's cut it out . Let's figure out do we for the rest of our ?