Ask Ken & Tabatha Part 4

Hello , hello , hey everyone . Welcome to our show today . I am Ken , this is Tabitha and we are the host of Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We are so Pumped that you are here and we're excited about the information and the content that we have for you today oh yeah , sweetheart , are you ready for this week ? I am ready .

Yeah , I feel like there's some special people that are tuning in , maybe even for the first time this week , and so if this is your first time tuning , in to our podcast . we just say welcome . We don't believe you're here by an accident .

We pray God send people just like you that would love to do life with us as we share the good , the bad , the ugly , everything in between , and our hope is simple that you will grow closer to God and closer to the people that God has placed in your life . If you enjoy today's , leave us a review , email us , let us know .

Actually , we're gonna be going through question and answer today . So every once in a while we do a special podcast called Ask Ken and Tabitha , where we just simply go through your questions . That's come in and she doesn't see them .

I don't see them , we just read them and we just allow what God's put in our heart to kind of come up and answer them the best we can . We hope we don't jack it up , but we're gonna give you the best that we possibly can .

So if you have questions about anything about the Bible , about relationship , about marriage , I think the email address is in the show notes . It's infoatmylifechurchorg . We would love to get your question , that we can answer it at some point in a future podcast . But if you're ready , say I'm ready .

All right , these are juicy ones . I'm sure they are . Here they go .

I think that if you've been together for a while , you're headed towards marriage . When it comes to communication , you should be talking .

Communication is not like I need to be heard , it's also I need to hear you , so it's like it's actually more listening than it is talking . So , anyway , a person who shuts down and they are unable to even take that step , they're probably not ready for this communication lifestyle called marriage .

online , to help him understand the principles of what he has to do to open up . And so how do you get him to open up ? If you're married and he's just shut down , I would say has to start with prayer . I mean you can't run out of the relationship because he's not talking .

So you need God to intervene and soften his heart and then , hopefully , when you do sit down and have a conversation , you can come wise , meaning at the right time , in the right atmosphere , and say sweetheart , you're doing this great , this great and this great . But if I was to give you one thing to work on , it's just .

I don't feel like you open up and you share with me what's going on in your world or you share , and I just wanna be able to pray with you , I wanna be able to stand with you and I wanna be in the know , and so , and then I would ask a bunch of probing questions what can we do so that you can talk with me more , or what ?

Why don't you open up to me On a scale of one to 10 , how much do you feel like you open up to me ? Cause that brother might feel like he talking all the time , he might be like well , I feel like I'm a nine and you're like man , you never tell me anything .

So we have to get on each other's scale and then , once you've identified those things and there's been some agreement that this is a problem , then we can move forward to the actual tools that he will need to actually communicate what's going on in his world . Sometimes it's just fear , sometimes it's insecurity , sometimes he's scared because men have emotions .

It's just he motions , and sometimes I think of men are even more emotional than women . We just don't maybe cry it out and show it to you like that , but we deal with real emotions and so it's not healthy that he continues not to talk .

But a lot of guys have not been taught how to talk , so they bottle everything up , and so then he'll need to learn skills to be able to share you good with that , I'm good with that , let's go to number two . What love to know your opinion on how to help a friend find Jesus again after having a huge fallout caused by church hurt .

I mean , I think we've known a lot of people who have had fallout with church , hurt , probably just being there for them , first of all being that friend , like listening to whatever they're saying , kind of acknowledging that they have hurt , acknowledging that what they went through is real , but then also loving them and showing them that that's not the end of your

church life . Like you , gotta , let's pick up the pieces and let's find a church where you won't be hurt and they do exist . Just because you got had a bad dentist , you're not gonna , you're gonna find another dentist and they're not all bad . And so I would say the same thing with church just be there to encourage them .

And so to me , when it comes to church hurt , there's two different ways , and it's emotional both way for me , because some part of me is like man , I'm sorry you went through that and I realized that it is a real thing .

I realized that things happen in churches that are wrong and people are hurt because of them . But then on the other side , there are some things that weren't actual hurts . They're perceived hurts , and I believe that there's a whole lot of those as well . Somebody is hurt because they got removed as a small group leader .

Somebody was hurt because you used to sing a lot , but now they don't use you as much . Somebody is hurt because you used to be able to park your car here .

And I realized the way . The reason we blame it on church is because church is the place that you think that you can come and it's gonna be nothing but safety and nothing but love . And I like to let people know off top .

I think we should tell people in growth track like you're gonna be offended here and you're gonna meet some of the meanest , nastiest people here cause this is a big old hospital and there's a bunch of good people here , but then there's gonna be some mean people here .

We're all coming here to get work done , and they still working on stuff , and what I found out is that God sometimes will let mean people come into your life because he's trying to develop something in you .

And if you now take the stance that I'm writing off the whole organization or the whole unified church as church hurt and I'm gonna sit at home or I'm not gonna do the church thing , you're gonna miss out on what being a Christian is Actually .

You are the one who needs to fight through the hurt , come back to the house , overcome evil with good work through offenses , communicate , even be mad at somebody , but still worship together , because I'm gonna do what the Bible says more than how I feel , and so be a friend to them and help them find that truth . Here's the third question .

It's been this topic on TikTok floating around to pray before you have sex within marriage . Is this a thing ? If so , why wasn't it talked about ? Why isn't it talked about ?

And then there's things that's like a cool principle If you wanna do it , do it , but then don't get mad if other people don't wanna do it , because it's nothing that you'll find in scripture . Oh , you have to pray before you have sex , and so I don't know . I do believe that God wants to be a part of everything that we do .

I was in prayer the other day and I heard the sweet voice of the Lord say I was kneeling down and I got up and I was leaving out for my day and he said take me with you . And it's just amazing , because you would almost feel like , well , I had my time of prayer , I had my 30 minutes , I had my hour of prayer .

And the Lord is like no , I want you to talk to me all day long . In that sense , I get it . In the other sense , it's a tad spiritual . It's like we're about to have sex , like what we gonna do here . We gonna get down on our knees , we're gonna fast and pray for this moment .

So if it's a thing , if that's what you wanna do and your spouse , go ahead and do it . But I don't think it's something that you have to do .

Interesting question , good question , interesting you wanna jump on that one .

I am as a pastor , I am responsible for the spiritual aspect of your life , like I teach you the word of God , I teach you spirit and if you need you know it's kind of it crosses . I was getting ready to say like so for your spirit being . You know spirit and soul , I'm there . I was thinking of a doctor .

If you need healing , well , you can come to me too , because I'm gonna lay hands on you . We gonna pray for your healing . You know what I mean .

church home . However , when COVID came along , I didn't agree on certain things Go home , you need to go home and you need to go home with a humble heart . You need to go home with a pure heart and say what can I do to help the vision of this house ?

Here's a warning , because many times , when it comes to church , we have a vision that's different than the vision of the house . And I get it , because we all have different anointings and we have different things that we're passionate about .

But if you are super passionate about reaching people in the community , feeding people , if your church doesn't do that , why don't you go humbly and say you know what ? I would love to start this feeding program .

I would love to start a small group and get some people together that has this passion and represent my church out there in the street Go make some sandwiches and feed people .

That's probably a lot more healthy than you getting upset at what your church is and is not doing , because the church is nothing but a collection of imperfect people that are called by God and anointed by God . But every church has a different assignment .

So for us , I know the amount of money that we spend around the world and how we do serve Saturdays , and for some people will come here and they'd be like oh my God , you guys do so much , you don't even understand the care points in South Africa and our missions trip to Dominican Republic and what we do at the Dream Center , and the list goes on and on .

But then another person will come and say y'all don't do anything . And compared to what I want us to do or compared to the church that I used to go to , and they do this , and then this sister's right , you're getting over into judgment . And now you are looking at your church and you are minimizing them and all of the other .

Maybe that's not their strong suit , or maybe they're not even called to do that , or maybe they're not even resourced to do that . So my word of encouragement to anybody would be instead of being a part of the problem , be a part of the solution and go with a humble heart and just say I'm here . This is what I'm passionate about .

If you wanna start at this month , I'm here . If you wanna start in five years , I'm here . This is my church home . And when it comes to , I think this person here has some things they don't agree . They don't agree with COVID . They don't agree with this , that and the other . How can two walk together unless they agree ?

I'm not saying that we have to see everything . But , like I guess what I'm suggesting is that what if you submit to the spirit of the house ? and the leader of that house and instead of it being like well , I think this and you think that that's how all church splits start . No , god has given a vision to a leader and he's communicating that vision .

If you're called there , you can kind of undergird it and get behind it and listen . We , I started . I didn't go and ask for popular opinion when it came to COVID or when it was time to open the house of the Lord . I could not .

The news media was telling us to do this and sister so-and-so wanted us to do this and brother so-and-so was mad at this and somebody thought we should have never closed . Somebody thought we still shouldn't be open . Today , five years later , listen , it's our job to go to God and say God , you giving me shepherding responsibility over this flock .

What say if you and we're gonna open the church , then and so that's why I think about that . Anything else on that ?

And so I'm chilling with an African exchange student in college . We're driving in a car up a street in Morgantown , west Virginia , and I looked at him . I said she's gonna be my wife one day and I ain't go to church . I just knew it . I knew that that's what the Lord said . And 24 years later .

So I ain't gonna hate on you too much , but you gotta take the other thing as well and balance . But I would say this if I'm talking to you like a daughter , like a spiritual daughter , I would say if God showed you that , be very wise about when you tell him . You might not even need to tell him that . Just let it naturally happen .

The whole fantasizing over thinking , don't just be friends , be friends and let the natural progression of your relationship happen , because if it's God's word , it's not gonna fail , it's not gonna like go away because you didn't press it or you wasn't dressed cute enough one day . But if you tell a dude that who ain't there yet , you gonna scare that guy .

You know , somebody come telling me and we just friends and we just starting to get . I don't know . I just be like I don't know . I mean , I don't know when girls will come on to me too strong . It scared me . It scared me , let me do that .

I see you come and go the other way , because what time yet .

That's crazy ain't it , I'm glad you did that right baby . Man , I ain't know nothing about the Lord but he would order my stuff for a long time .

Examples like Anita Baker , luther Vandross , new Edition , elton John you mean my wife's playlist , I mean Taylor Swift . Oh , you want to answer that .

there's . Sometimes I mean , yeah , I can't listen to the profanity . I know , like I grew up in the biggie two-pot , you know era and you know , every once in a while I'll get excited because I'll be .

I'll be looking through the radio stations and I hear a biggie song and I'm like , yes , I'm listening to biggie in the car and then all of a sudden it's like , oh my gosh . Did he say that ? What did he say ? Oh , my gosh . And so , yeah , I'm reminded like , oh okay , that's why I don't listen to this .

So I think you have to go with your conviction , but I don't think there's anything wrong about listening to secular music .

I remember CDs I had like thousands of dollars of CDs and when I really got on fire for God I threw them away and I basically listened to the word and worshiped for probably a two to five year period of my life . I would not take back that period for anything .

I really had so much junk in the trunk that I needed to kind of what is it almost what is it like ? Kind of pass it through , digest it detox . I had to detox the junk that was in the trunk . Here's the other side of it . How wouldn't I live my life in legalism ? Because you're on a slippery slope .

Because if you say I'm not going to listen to any secular music , well , do you watch movies ? Okay , well , they're kind of the same thing , they're entertainment . You're putting stuff in your eargate and then do you listen to Christian music of Christian artists who don't live right .

Because to me I would rather listen to somebody who's unsaved , that's , you know , just singing something clean than somebody who is safe , but you know they're cheating on their spouse . So for me , I don't know if it's much about the music other than the message of it .

So no , I do not listen to ungodly stuff , profanities , stuff , that's so forth and so on , and I allow the Holy Spirit to say what's right or wrong . But actually some of the songs from back in the day bring great joy to us like especially you put on here New Edition oh man , come on , man . And just there's just some songs from back in the day .

To me that's not ungodly , it's . You know . There's nothing in it that's bad and it's just . It reminds me of an era of middle school , high school . So I don't have a conviction about that personally . But I say at the same time you be very careful . If that's what God tells you , don't do it .

But if you feel a green light to do it , well then do it and try not to place those judgments on other people too much . And so , and every once in a while in church will also bring like something that's secular , that's kind of dope .

You know , I remember we did a series last year and it was like Mixtape and they were basically taking music that was popular and then preaching out of it , kind of like some pastors do like at the movies . They'll take a popular movie and then they'll preach out of it a gospel something . And we did that and I was on some battle .

I wasn't here and some lady had some big problem because she came in and they did living on a prayer by Bon Jovi and then Aaron went to teach about the basics of prayer and everything about prayer but he started off with the song Living On and she got so upset and she wasn't even here .

She left when they did Living On a Prayer and to me it's like chillax . I mean , have you not been to a magic or Orlando magic game ? Have you not been to a dog on Disney Springs or any like , like . Hold on for a second . We're just using it as a parable and to that extreme I would say , man , you too much .

So if the Bible tells you to submit to me and I'm the leader , that means that I'm the responsible one and I cover you and I care for you and I serve you and I wash your feet . And so the Bible just doesn't say you submit to me . The Bible says that we submit one to another . So most of the time our decisions are like mutual decisions .

Now , every once in a while , if there's a decision that we have to make and we just have to make it in this time frame and for some reason we don't see eye to eye , well then , as the head of the house , the leader of the house , I'll make the decision and I need you to submit to that , just like as a pastor .

No that's never happened , and so I always preach mutual submission because I believe it's biblical and I believe it's safe , and so if that's the case , I don't think that the question then has as much gravity , because it does not mean well , I said , do this and you don't want to do it , so now you're sending .

I'm struggling to find advice for someone who is in a long term relationship and wants to be married . Many of my friends are in a similar situation and it could be from when we were younger . We would see our parents in long term marriages , sometimes unhealthy or abusive , and we process that as stick in there , ride it out , etc .

But our parents were married and then divorced . My partner and I both have divorced parents After accepting Christ as my Lord and my Savior . My partner became celibate for six months . Then we fell back into the routine . Am I supposed to submit as a woman while dating If a man is supposed to lead while dating ?

I refer to a lot of marriage podcasts and everything makes sense . I want to submit and respect my man , but I'm struggling with the fact that he's not my husband .

in there . I don't know how we're going to package that . I'll let you start .

Along with the covenant relationship of marriage comes these principles of God and the principles of marriage , so I don't think that she has to adhere to anything .

No , you don't go , you don't get anything . The situations are complicated , but stop giving him the goods if he has not paid the price .

She says I've listened to this marriage podcast and this and I'm looking for it , and so we love you enough that we're going to give you the truth . And I think that's why you wrote in . The truth is that you're not married but you're living married .

My advice to you would be you want to prayerfully consider either having a conversation about being married or consider moving out . That's really because it's not saying that you don't have to date . It's not saying y'all can't be together , but it's saying that you need to not give the appearance of evil . You got saved .

Now you want to not give the appearance of evil and you want to live a life that is beyond reproach . And here's the God on his truth that if you're living together but you're not married , there is a grace that will only come on your relationship when you say I do Now , there's a grace , but then there's also a warfare that will come on the relationship .

So you need a grace to handle the warfare . And there are many people that they've basically taken matters into their own hands and they said I'm not going to do it . God's way we're going to live together . For many reasons , my parents did this . I've been married before . I don't know if I want to do that again . We're married in our hearts .

All of those things is still us taking matters into our own hands . Here's what I need you to hear . God's way is better than our way , and it's going to take trust and it's going to take faith , and faith ain't faith if it doesn't have risk .

There's going to be a risk that you take to go to the altar to say I do , even though your parents did it for years and then said that they don't , but my thing for them would be what in the world has your parents got to do with you ? Like , I am married to you , not CW or Barbara Clata .

I love my parents and they've been married over 40 years , but their marriage and our marriage is two different marriages , and what your mom and dad had got rest of soul is not what we have , and so I think sometimes we do that , and this person is newly saved , and so I'm so humbled and honored and thankful that they're writing in , and so I don't expect

them to know this six months ago but , here's the truth . Now . The truth is that I am not looking to anybody else on the outside to kind of speak to how I obey God . And so when the Bible says flee fornication , when the Bible says get away from sexual immorality , he means what he says .

It doesn't matter if I got to sleep on somebody's couch , it don't matter financially if we got to split these investments up . We got to sell these things off . We're gonna get it right . Or if we're ready to be married , we need to start going through premarital counseling and need to take a step towards that and we're gonna live celibate until we say I do .

That will go back to your point . If you don't give them the goods , do gonna have to step up . Now . If you giving them the goods , you know . Do you know what goods are ? I hope everybody knows what goods are , you know . Okay , if you giving him the goods , I was gonna say some things coming to my mind , but I ain't ready yet . Maybe next season .

If you giving him the goods , that guy's mind is like man , I'm eating good , sleeping good . Why mess up what we got , you know I mean . I mean , what else do I want ? Why do we have to put a ring on it and make it official , then why go through that ? Why we got to pay for a wedding and all that . I mean this stuff don't even work .

Let's save our money . So , because he's enjoying something that he should not be able to enjoy . Now , that's not to put the responsibility on the woman , because I don't believe in that . I believe a man should be able to control his dog on self . Come on , it's not just the woman , it just needs to keep it locked till she get that rock . It's the man .

You need to control your sex drive . But she wrote in , she wrote the question and I can't talk to him . I'm talking to her and for her , she has to put a lock on it and say if you don't pay for this , you don't . You don't drive what you don't buy . Okay now , what that means for our relationship .

Let's sit down and talk about it , because if you love me enough , you're gonna put a ring on it , and if you do not love me , that enough enough . That much I would rather know now , after 14 years , so that in my next 14 years I can be with somebody that cherishes the gift that I am .

You want someone who to share your life with and when they won't commit to you after 14 years , 15 years , you know like , are you gonna be there in 20 years ?

So it's almost like , yeah , your stuff is just out of order and I hope the Holy Spirit will use this to kind of put things back in order and I pray that your relationship and your marriage and your life is blessed . And so I don't know , I think I think I kind of we kind of killed that one .

But you know , yes , in dating there should be some of that , but not as much as a marriage , yeah . So anyway , hey , I hope that you guys enjoyed that man . We love going through you all's questions .

We'd love to hear from you , and so if you have questions that you would like us to answer , on the next , ask Pastor Ken in Tabitha all you have to do is email us at infoatmylifechurchorg . Of course , that email address is in our show notes and , as always , just know that you're not alone . We are praying for you , we are praying with you .

We are standing for you , we are standing with you . We release new content every Thursday . If you're new or to our show , hit the subscribe button on YouTube , hit the download button on podcast , because we want you to be the first to get the content . We're going to release new show every Thursday at 3 pm Eastern . We would love to hear from you .

Share your testimony . If God's using this podcast to be a blessing to you , don't keep it to yourself . The best thing you could do would be write a review . That's the way we can know who we're reaching , but also other people could also hear what God's doing in your life . Okay and so thank you so much for tuning in to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha .

We'll see you next week , peace .