¶ Saving a Broken Marriage
Hey , welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We are so pumped that you're tuning into this podcast . It has been designed for people just like you . We wanna do life with you , share our wins , our defeats , our ups and our downs , in hopes that you'll grow closer to God and to the people that you love in your life . Sit back and enjoy today's podcast .
Hello , hello , hello , hello everyone . We are here , we are ready . We're ready to rock and roll . Are you ready , sweetheart ?
So , ready .
I'm so pumped up about the content we're gonna be sharing today , because we're gonna help some people in their marriage situations .
And that's what it's all about .
Especially those who have broken situations , and it's just like man . They feel like I don't know what to do with my relationship . Our hope is to be used as tools of God today to share some principles that can help rescue broken marriages . Hey , welcome to our podcast today , guys . Thank you for tuning in to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha .
We have been married for 24 years . All right , it's been the best 22 years of our life . The first two years was horrible . I was mean and selfish and prodful and you were what were you .
I was depressed , I was sad and just trying to get through life .
She had been diagnosed , depressed when we met for 10 years of her life at that point and kind of been through everything growing up from sexual abuse and verbal abuse and really didn't grow up in a home where you saw a husband and a wife and so us getting married . You come from that and I just came from .
You know my parents are still married today and going strong , but I was honestly just selfish and I was immature and marriage is for mature people . It's not for immature people that are not willing to put into work . And so if you're newer to our broadcast , let me just say welcome , man . I don't believe you're watching this by accident .
We pray and we say , god , would you please send people to find our podcast around the world that you really want to connect with us , that we can do life with them , and our goal is to share with you guys our highs but , more importantly , our lows , and hopefully , between our highs and lows you can extract some principles to help you grow closer to God and
closer to the people that you love in your life . And so , if you're newer to our podcast , you can hit the subscribe button . If you're on YouTube , hit the download button on podcast , wherever you're watching this , and make sure that you let us know if this is a blessing to you .
Today's topic is a good one , and I kind of want to jump right in it because I don't want to waste any time today . I want there to be healing in the words .
Today is five keys to saving a broken marriage , and I believe the reason that someone has clicked on this is because there is something happening in their marriage or in the marriage of a person that they know or are friends with that is heading the wrong way . They're trending down and they're like , oh my God , I need help . I don't know what to do .
I feel lost . Let me just start right there . Has there ever been a time in our marriage 24 years where you felt lost or you felt like I don't know if this marriage is going to make it or it was in a bad place ? Can you just kind of share with people where we were ?
and what we've been through . I mean , well , yeah , in the beginning of our marriage , we got marriage . I was 23 , you were 21 . We got married in our senior year of college and graduated college and it was really hard for us . I think at the time , like we said , I was depressed .
I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety disorder and I just thought that this was something that I had to deal with in my life . I didn't think is anything that you can get over and you can get healed from . God healed me .
I've been depression free for maybe over 20 years now , but in the moment I was depressed and I was just trying to get through life and figure out life . So a lot of the problems that we went through were loud and vivid to you , but I was kind of like just sleeping it away . I would wake up , go to work , come back home , go to sleep , kind of thing .
And I remember when we first well , we went to church , I got filled with the Holy Spirit , began declaring the word of God over my life and literally God healed me of depression . And in that time there was a period of time where it was almost like the blindfolds were removed from my eyes and I woke up and I was like in this marriage .
And I remember looking at you and being like why is he so mad at me ? Why is he so mean ? What is going on here ? And from that moment I had to begin to pick up the pieces of our marriage and begin to work on our marriage .
Yeah , for me , I believed in God , but I lived as a Christian atheist for about 10 years or a little bit more . I defined that as a person who believes in God but lives like he doesn't exist . So , even though I believed in a God or I believed in God , you couldn't see it in my lifestyle .
So I didn't really have a church that I belonged to , I didn't really have mentors , but I did believe in God , and so one thing that God did is that I remember him telling me that we would get married before we even met . So I would see you on college campuses and I was like , listen , this is gonna be my wife .
I remember , after we got married , I didn't know how to live right , and so we wasn't living sexually pure , we were just doing everything that everybody else was doing , and so I felt bad about that . Before you wasn't even saved . You got saved and then there was a conviction that I had .
And then I had this conviction of like you know what we need to get married . And so we got married at 21 years old . I'm 45 and you're 47 . We've been married for 24 years , but I had a relationship with God , but it was like a pseudo relationship with God . It was . I was just a Christian atheist .
So the first two years of our marriage we went to church , but we didn't have a church home . We owned the Bible , but I didn't read it . I believed in God , but I didn't know how to live for him , and so from your battle with depression , I remember even , I think , dating in the first year .
We would go to some therapy sessions together as you was overcoming depression . But because I didn't have the right surroundings , like all of my friends were single , I still thought like a single man , and then I was irritated . I felt like you were holding me back . I felt like I could do better without you .
Because of your depression back then , you were failing out of school .
And .
I was like going through school really fast because you're two years older than me and I was like man , you done been here before I got here and I'm gonna leave before you even get out . Matter of fact , when we went to get our college degrees , you had failed the class and we thought that you wasn't even gonna get a degree .
So you had your graduation attire on and in my mind I was mad . I was like she ain't getting them degrees . She gonna go in there and they gonna say you don't have a degree and I'm out of here . I'm leaving West Virginia , I'm gonna move somewhere without you .
This was all in my mind and I knew it and I was a new believer and I was young in my faith , but I did know enough to just pray and ask God , like seriously to ask God that I would graduate so that my husband wouldn't leave me here in .
West Virginia . So you failed the class , and what did God do ? You went to your graduation . I failed the class .
I failed the class . I shouldn't have the credits to graduate , but I had the credits to graduate and I graduated , and it's too late now to take it back and it can't take it back . I have my diploma .
It's a degree .
For my degree .
And so you went to the tent to get your degree or diploma , whatever it is , and they say what's your name ? The piece of paper and you say tab of the collater . The woman reached in there and pulled out your dog on papers .
That was a miracle .
But our God is in a miracle working business . Meaning that even if we aren't perfect and we do things our way , his hand is still on us , and what I found out a lot about the Lord is that he's just looking for humble people , people that will trust him more than we trust ourselves .
And I feel like the people who are watching today is watching or listening , because they're those kind of people . They're life learners , they're just like God . I need some help , and hopefully we can give them some help today .
And so for the first two years , I was that kind of guy that would like still go out to the club or go out partying with my friends , take my wedding band off and just go out and act like I wasn't married . I would fool around with other women .
I wouldn't take it all the way to penetration or nothing like that , but I would fool around , so you can just call that infidelity and unfaithfulness . I didn't take it all the way there , but I took it further than where it should be Because I didn't know how to be a married man . I didn't know how to be a husband .
I didn't know how to deal with your situation that you were going through . But on the inside , what I felt was more like anger . I felt frustrated that I got married so young and now you won't even get up and go . You know what I'm saying .
It wasn't like I married you and your daddy had a bunch of money and he bought us a car for our wedding and you'll pay for the whole wedding and none of that . It was more like I wasn't thinking like what have I done ? It was more just like flesh in maturity and over focus on me and me not even seeing you of who you would be today .
Now , thank God I knew enough .
Just to stick it out , matter of fact , I called my dad one time and my dad's been married , I don't know , over 40 years , 43 , 44 years maybe but I called him when I first got married and I said , dad , I'm thinking about getting a divorce and I said she don't do this and she don't do that and she don't do this , and my dad said so and that's all he
said . Because one word that has an anointing on it can change your complete direction .
Yeah .
And that's a demand ain't never gave me no more counsel about my marriage ever , but he said this one . He said so like so what you know , marriage is till death . Do you part ? So what ? She don't cook , she don't clean , she don't get up out of the bed , so what you go in there and you lead her .
He didn't have to say any that , he just said so , like why don't you grow up ? And I think there's somebody who's thinking about leaving their spouse , and you got this long laundry list of things that they don't do . And the prophetic word from us to you would be so what ? The two have become one .
If you dump on them , you were dumping on yourself come on . So when I got the realization of this team , cleta and my job is the captain on this team is to lead us into the championship . So , okay , we're gonna deal with depression together .
We're gonna deal with these things together and we're gonna invite God in . Yeah , and , and I think you know usually so , like in our instance , you know , I got saved , we got married . I had enough
¶ Save a Broken Marriage
. Like you know , you married the person that you married . You know , when you married me I was alive and just . You know and you know was .
You knew that I was depressed , you knew what I was up against , but it was almost like I I had was in this upcycle of , like you know , everything was great in life , but with depression , for me it was like it would be great , but then it would go all go down and then I'd work really hard and get it great again and then would all go back down .
I was stuck in this negative cycle and so we got married . We were , I was in the high point of the cycle but then , a little bit , you know , six months into marriage , I started to dip down again and you were part of that process and I don't even blame you for wanting to feel like , oh my gosh , what is going on ? This isn't even who I married .
You know what is happening in her life . But I will say I would never have overcome that if we hadn't learned the principles of God .
Yeah .
And you know really , because you know I got saved . I didn't even know that you could be healed of depression , like I didn't know that God was a healer . I knew not not a lot at all about the Bible , and the more I learned the word of God and the principles of God , I just began to apply them to my life and our Relationship began to get better .
When I got filled with the Holy Spirit and I , when I got healed of depression , then I was able , with a sound mind , to look around and see like , okay , I know what I'm working with here and that's when we started going . I guess Our marriage started to improve at that point .
Well , there was things , and this is what's happening . For somebody even now is that it was almost like a Compounding effect of a bunch of things at the same time you got filled with the Holy Spirit . At the same time , I got filled with the Holy Spirit at the same time that . God got us to a church and he connected .
We're learning the word , where the lead pastor and his wife led kind of like we do , and we had an example of marriage and they actually have , and still have to this day , a marriage ministry . So every first Friday we will have marriage ministry . So we had this example , we had marriage principles , we had an atmosphere of other healthy married couples .
You were free from depression . We have the power of God on our life and it was like over a span of like . It seemed like what ? Three months .
Yeah we made a divine turnaround from like divorce to okay , let's fight together and this is how we do it to best friends , to understanding date nights , to understanding delegation of responsibility , to understanding how to communicate , to understanding his needs , her needs , to understanding the division of money , to understanding how to get a family Constitution , to
understanding how nobody knows where everybody goes . I mean , I'm talking about principle after principle after principle after principle .
I guess I say that People who are listening , they listen into the right right thing , a lot of marriages are challenged and failing or broken because they just don't have the information . Yeah , they just don't have the tools , they just don't know what the Bible says about marriage . And once you , I mean I'm telling you , you ate it up Once you decide .
Well , and that's the thing , because there are people who has this information but their marriage is still not good , because they hear something but they don't , they're not , they don't go home and apply it , mm-hmm , or they don't really know how to apply . And that's the conversation that I really want to have . I'm telling you now .
There's people that their marriage should be further along . And they got . They got this , but they don't know what to do with it when they go home application they don't know , I feel tired . What do I do with that ? She's not listening . What do I do with that ? He's watching , playing video games . What do I do with that ?
And so I just want let's help a little bit , that's how five keys to saving a broken marriage . All right , five keys to saving a broken marriage . Okay , now here's the thing . First off , we believe any marriage can be saved . Yeah , we do . We don't care how bad it is .
We've seen people actually get divorced from each other twice and get remarried to one another on the third time . You know , so there's nothing too hard for the Lord doesn't matter how bad your situation is , all things are Possible to them that believe . Now you got to do a bunch deep work . You might have to do a bunch of forgiveness .
There might have been infidelity , there might have been all kinds of things . I've seen people rebound and come back from all of it . But you're gonna have to be willing to forgive . You're gonna have to be willing to go to counseling . You're gonna have to be willing to take the low road to turn the other cheek . But we're gonna be here to do it with you .
So number one five keys to saving a broken marriage is number one you got to locate where you are . The law of destination it starts with location . Okay , you go into a mall , you got to see the doctor says you are here before you get the Macy's . You got to figure out where you are . So you got to figure out where you are .
So my question for the people who are , who are tuning in today , is where are you in your marriage ? Where are you ? Not just your marriage , your marriage . On a scale of one to ten , you might say collectively it's a five . But where are you as a husband and where are you as a wife ?
Because when you understand where you are , then you can say I am here , but I want to be here . I want to be at a different place . Then , and only then , can you begin to create a strategy to get to where you want to go .
I think that's good and that's good for both the husband and the wife to locate yourself , you know , on a scale of one to ten , you know where am I and where do I want to get to it . But then the marriage , you know overall , so that you can both be on the same page , right , working toward these goals .
And sometimes I mean in the beginning , when it's broken it might be , you know you're on , maybe one has more growing to do than the other , you know , and that's okay but the important thing is to is to locate yourself .
You are so here's the questions to locate you . Do you know what a good marriage looks like ? Do you have a model of a good marriage ? Because many times we need a model . Okay , where are you in your marriage ? On a scale of one to ten , ten being perfect , one being horrible rate yourself . So if you're a five , what do you want to be do ?
you want to be a eight . Do you want to be a nine ? Okay , what does it mean ? Write this down . What does it mean to be a good husband ? Write that down . What does it mean to be a good husband ? What does that look like to you ? I couldn't define that . What does it mean to be a good wife ? Okay ? What do you aspire to be ?
Okay , I want you to define what a husband is biblically . Define what a wife is biblically right . I want you to chart out a plan to get there . Okay , so you are a four , but you want to be at an eight . How do you close that gap ? What do we have to do ? And it's not gonna happen overnight , but this is what I will do .
So I got a goal and then every day , I'm gonna take steps towards that goal . Okay , you got to stop the bleeding . You got to remove the things that are killing the marriage now . There's some things that are marriage killers . They are so toxic that you cannot really get restored in your marriage with these things still being there .
Yeah for example addictions , addictions they have to go . Abuse cannot be there . Infidelity has to stop . Pornography has to be shut down . Lying lying is the one that people don't talk about a lot . But you cannot build All marriages , build a problem trust . And if you line , I can't trust you .
Like , I mean , come on now , like even with your kids , like my kids , they can do anything and I'm gonna be there for them . But it's gonna be hard if they lie to me , like if it's one thing I don't want them . Don't lie to me , because then we don't have nothing . Yeah , like you , drunk at 2 am , call me , I'll come pick you up .
I don't like it , we'll deal with it later , but don't you lie to me . Don't come in the house and act like you wasn't doing something you do , because then we don't have nothing right and I think we need to go back and we just need to get that Truthful heart again . Anything on that I agree .
Okay , number two my second Key for you to saving a broken marriage would be work on your own personal growth . Okay , because marriage is the sum of two different people coming together . So we are the claders and it's the sum of us coming together . If one person is immature , the whole sum of our averages goes down .
So if you're fleshy and you stay out all night and drink and sleep well , you bring the whole clay to crew down to that level and it's called . John Maxwell will call it the law of the lid . So you got to be careful who you marry , because you come under the lid of kind of where they are All right .
¶ Personal and Marital Growth Importance
And so we are not saying stop working on your marriage , to work on you Now . I've heard that before . But I'm just I gotta work on me right now and I gotta work on my mental health and I gotta work on my emotions . Listen , if you are married , you have to work on you and your marriage at the same time .
You cannot put your marriage on the back burner and say I'll get to that when I'm healthy . It ain't worked that way .
You shouldn't have said I do .
You're gonna have to be , you're gonna have to be . What is it ? Multi- .
Multifaceted , multitask ? Yeah , I don't even . I don't get that expression , because I don't know how you cannot work on your marriage if you're working on you , and I don't know how you can separate working on you and working on your marriage . I'm telling you , what's something about .
I don't know someone who's marriage is hanging on by a thread , if it's even still together today because the spouse decided that she needed . She has some mental health issues and her counselor told her she needed to get herself together before she could do anything with the marriage . So for years this man has been on the side as she's salt .
Nothing about the marriage , but trying to get herself together . That's crazy , it's bad advice , it's horrible , it's not God , it's just not . And so , anyway , you gotta work on your own personal growth . Now , what I've noticed in our marriage is that you grow you , and I grow me too , and sometimes we outgrow each other . Sometimes I see you getting ahead .
I say no , no , no , I'm gonna come get you and then I go and I can start growing , and you're like oh , no , no , no . And so that's what we should have and I think that in our we've grown together and I would really encourage couples to grow together , Like go to church together , read books together , like grow together , don't leave each other behind .
But I think if I can grow as a human being , it affects my marriage .
If .
I can grow in me just being a kinder person , it affects my marriage . If I can grow in just being a person who keeps my word , it affects my marriage . If I can grow with not being so selfish but selfless , it affects my marriage , Like if I can just grow me .
You know , I tell leaders all the time if you wanna grow your , grow your church , you gotta grow yourself , but if you wanna grow your marriage , you gotta grow yourself too .
Absolutely , and I think it's , you know , as I think it's encouraging when we see each other growing . It encourages me when I see you growing closer to the Lord , when I see you growing in your leadership , when I see you growing as a parent , you know .
When I see you exercising , you know it inspires me and it makes me wanna come and you know match where you are like oh , I see where you going , I got you .
You know , here we go , let's go .
And so I think you know that's it in a marriage at Iron Sharpens Iron that we can really help one another and inspire one another . But here's my question .
You were frustrated when you were 22 . Why are you still a frustrated at 42 ? Yeah , you know what I'm saying . Like no , you were . You were judgmental at 23 .
Why are you ?
still judgmental at 53 ? Yeah , well , like in marriage .
We have to take responsibility for our own growth , and that's what you're talking about here , like we have to work on ourselves , not exclusive from each other .
This is what I know . My pastor used to say it takes two fools to fight . Most of the time it's two people and each person has a part to play in the demise of the relationship . Every once in a while you have some Joker that's just out there and got a good thing at home .
She got a good thing , he got a good thing at home , and they just just just wrong . But most of the time it's 70 , 30 , 60 , 40 , 50 , 50 . Yeah 90 , 10, . I got a part to play , you got a part to play . What I cannot do is play your part . I cannot make you grow . I can only grow myself .
And so many marriages getting to this fight , because I want you to do this and I want you to do that , but you can't change them . Only God can change them . The only person I can change is me . And what if you took this as a word that , listen , even if you don't change , I'm gonna change enough for both of us .
Where I've had such an eclipse in my life that it's gonna affect your life by the run over ? I think it's you know . So what I'm saying is like there's certain attitudes Like you've been a nag for 20 years , you've been Prejudice . For 35 years , you've been untrusting and jealous . When are you gonna deal with that ? Because that's affecting .
So you gotta locate yourself . Then you gotta grow yourself . Number three , I would say you gotta die yourself . And this is a huge one , because one of the greatest enemies to marriage is selfishness . It's me , me , me , me , me , me , me . I want this and I want that , and I want this and I want that and I want this and I want that .
You probably shouldn't get married if you're a selfish person .
Great day . One of the attributes of turning a bad marriage around is selflessness your ability to focus on your spouse more than you . What happens to the marriage .
I call it a bless me contest , where it's like all I can think about is meeting your needs and all you think about is meeting my needs Great marriage , Bad marriage all I can think about is you meet my needs and all you can think about is me meeting your needs Bad marriage Great marriage is all I can think about is meeting your needs , and it's so simple
but it's so profound . So a great marriage is built on . I want your dreams to come to pass when we get into bed . I want you to be pleased . I want you to climax . I want to meet your needs . I want you to have the best car . I want you to have the best spot in the bed . I want you to have clothes .
Before I buy clothes , I wanna make sure that you feel good and , in turn , you do up .
I wanna make sure that you have all of these things You're supposed to put your hand on my shoulder .
Oh really . And I'm supposed to rub your give you a little massage like this . Yes , oh , that's actually good .
Okay , but this is what I was really gonna say . Was we often like before okay , so we're in the marriage , but before we even get marriage , I think we're also set up for failure .
Because it's like well , I wanna marry him because he makes me happy and he does this for me and he does that for me and all of those things , and we have the list of who we want and who our wife's gonna be and who our husband's gonna be , because of all the things that they do for us and we're gonna spend our lives happily ever after , and all that
stuff , when it should be the opposite . In like no , I wanna marry him because I just wanna be with him for the rest of his life . Every day that he wakes up , I wanna be next to him , I wanna be the one that makes him happy , I wanna be the one that serves him . I wanna share my life with him .
I was gonna say , let's take it higher . Yeah , I wanna serve him . Yeah , I wanna serve him and maybe that makes a woman's flesh scream . You're not ready .
Yeah .
I remember when Sarah called Abraham Lord . I don't know the original meaning of the word , but she called him Lord .
And .
I'm not saying that you need to call your husband Lord or your wife Lord , but what I'm saying is that there's just something about two people that are bent on serving each other .
Absolutely .
That is much better than two people bent on being served .
Well , you know , jesus is the greatest servant of all and I think , like for me , like I'm a servant as a pastor , if I'm up on stage preaching messages , I'm not a superstar , I'm a servant . I am serving these 500 , a thousand , 10,000 people and I am serving . I serve my children , I serve anyone .
If I sit down and have a conversation with you and I'm helping you in any way , I am serving you . And so , yes , I'm gonna serve my husband .
I mean , hopefully you're not married to an idiot . If you're married to an idiot , you can start serving them and they just gonna take advantage of you . But my guess is that most people aren't married to an idiot and that if you start serving them , they're gonna be like okay . Okay , let me go in and help her .
Let me go in and help him .
I know that's how it was for
¶ Overcoming Marriage Challenges Through Faith
us . I think you kind of started the trend of being the hero in the home . And you started doing things to like fix me dinner , take care of my clothes , and even though I was mad and angry and I treated you bad , I couldn't stay there because you were displaying something . You just came Jiu-Jitsu style . You just came with kung fu .
Like you came in a different way , like it's one thing . If you wanted to yell at me too and take your ring off and go out to the club and act like you wouldn't marry and tick for tat , okay , you was cheating on me , I'm gonna cheat on you .
But instead you went Jiu-Jitsu on me , you went Ninja on me and you started to say , okay , if you wanna go out , go out , I'll be here when you get back . Or , like , I'm gonna serve you , I'm gonna love you . You wanna make your favorite foods ? We're gonna have Ken's night .
Okay , you didn't come home for dinner . I wrapped it up . I put it in the refrigerator for you . Whenever you want it , go ahead and eat it .
That is literally overcoming evil with good , and the Bible says that when you do good , when people are doing evil . It's like dumping coals of fire on their head .
Yes , sir .
And at the point I was like , oh my God , I gotta treat this woman better .
All I was doing was accessing the word of God and the principles of God Because I got saved . But I didn't know the word of God was my weapon . I didn't know the word of God was the instruction manual for my life . All I know is that three people came to my door . They showed me the Bible . They told me that Jesus loved me . I believed them .
I read the Bible . I knew that Jesus saved me and I wanted to give my life to him . And I did . I changed a lot of things in my life Stop drinking and doing like a lot of things that I used to do before I got saved but I just didn't . I didn't know anything . But the moment I was presented with the word of God , like I got my weapons .
I got my sword , I got my shield and I started using it like I'm a fighter .
Okay , well , let's get real practical then . Let's just stop for a moment . So our marriage was bad and I was being ignorant . Give women a few things and men give us a few things . That you did to try to win me .
I just started to always just to love you and not get in like the tit for tat , you know , like we do . And so , for example , first of all , I did this I realized , like we said , I located myself . I realized that I was in a bad place with you . I realized that our marriage was in a bad place and I wanted it to be better .
And I realized my part , the part that I had to play . I knew that I had been depressed for the last two years of our marriage and I knew that I didn't give you the best of me , and I knew that I didn't even know what the best of me was at that point I was still discovering it , but I knew to go to God and trust God with everything that I had .
And so I laid down my pride and I said , okay , I'm not gonna argue with them , I'm not gonna have a comeback , I'm not gonna do any of that stuff , I'm just gonna trust you , god . And so , as situations arrived came , I just handled it through the help of the Holy Spirit , like you cross that bridge when you get to it .
Sometimes we're like , oh , I can't do it , because what am I gonna do if he says this , and he does that Just take one step at a time . So you know , like , maybe the first step was like all right , I'm making dinner for you , you don't wanna talk to me ? Okay , well , I made dinner for you .
Oh , you're not coming home day after day after day , she would make dinner and I would eat out on purpose , so I didn't have to eat what she made . Like on the remain stuff like that . How did you take that ?
I just I would make your food . I wrapped it up , I put Ken with a little heart on it and I stuck it in the refrigerator and if you didn't eat it I'd take it out , throw it away , and I would still keep making your meals without being offended .
There were times where I remember , you know , like our sex life was terrible and I wanted you to like me , I wanted you to be attracted to me , I wanted you to like you know .
What you do .
I went upstairs and put on some really like sexy clothes and I came down while you were watching the game and maybe that was a mistake , while you were watching the game , but I came down and I just was wanted to entice you and dance before you and do anything romantic .
So you was trying to give me a lap dance and I was trying to watch the game , and so you try to get on my lap and I kind of moved you off . Oops , sorry , microphone , I tried to move you off of my lap . I moved , microphone moved you off of my lap .
Basically , you rejected me . Yeah , you rejected me , and I was just like , okay , you know , I'll let you watch the game . And I went up to my room and I cried in my room and then what you did ?
And the next day I came back down again in my same clothes and you were sitting there because at this time , at this point , I got you to the point where you would come home and eat my dinner . Now you were sitting at the couch eating dinner watching TV , right ? So then I said , okay , well , let me try something else .
So I just the next day I went down , you were eating dinner , but then you didn't reject me that time .
So just keep on trying . You keep on putting it out there like that . I mean , well , I want that , but here's the deal , man , that takes a lot of maturity .
It takes a lot of- .
And you have to swallow a whole bunch of humble power .
Yeah , that's what I was gonna say .
Because if your spouse is being ignorant , you're basically doing this by faith as unto the Lord . But first Peter . Chapter five , I believe , or chapter three , says that a man can be won by the lifestyle of his wife , and I would say publicly thank you for winning me back to where I should be .
Because , baby , I love you and I'm willing to fight for you , and I was willing to fight for you back then .
Well , a lot of women are willing to fight and a lot of men are willing to fight , but they're fighting with their flesh instead of fighting with their faith , and it just so happened that God did something in your heart where he gave you spiritual weapons and then you learned how to use those spiritual weapons the full armor of God and the sword of the spirit
and you begin to call things that be not . And you stood after you have done all , but you stood until God got hold of my heart . You know , my pastor used to always say like this , that your man's heart or your woman's heart is too your arms- .
Or too short your man's arms are too short to box with God .
Like and if you can live your life to where you get God involved listen , your spouse's arms are too short to box with God , come on . But if you take matters into your own hands , god is like okay , you got it . But if you can start living , doing what you do is unto the Lord , then God's gonna get involved . And that's what God did .
He got involved with my heart and I had to apologize . I mean , we probably have tons of stories like that yeah . Of things . I mean , it wasn't a super long period because when I came around , I came around and then I ran with it . I
¶ Keys to Saving a Broken Marriage
ran . I'm not that guy that you go in a church and I'm sitting at home , ain't no ?
way .
Okay , I remember the first church when we moved to Washington DC area . You joined a church without me and you didn't know that we should do that as a couple .
I came the next Sunday and I joined it , but I didn't wanna be there and then a real estate client invited me to another church and that's where we got and that's where they begin to teach you all of these principles .
And I'm telling you , when I got hold of the place that I was supposed to be and I could understand the word of God , you had to pray for me . No more , because I'm gonna lead this thing all the way into the end zone , and I really believe that there are men who are gonna do that as well . He might be struggling right now .
He might be struggling in between the world and the word of God . He might not have had an example , but there's greatness on the inside of him . I would tell women don't give up .
Men , don't give up on your marriage .
Don't throw in the towel , don't quit . Better days are ahead .
I'm so glad that I didn't give up on you .
Well , it'd been the worst move I ever made .
I'm so glad you didn't give up on me Because we were searching . That's why I joined that church , because I knew our life wasn't the way that I wanted it to be . But I didn't know what to do . And so I joined the church because I'm like , okay , I'm making steps , I need God in my life , I need help .
But the fact that you came behind me you know what I mean and found it , I could have been like , well , you go to that church and I'm gonna go to this church .
Well , I know , and that's what I'm saying I know everybody's situation is different and some people are married to idiots , but they're still creations of God and their arms are too short to box with God . So I think the principles , maybe their situation is like . I've been believing for my husband for five years . I ain't man .
I pray the grace of God over you , the peace of God , don't give up . Don't give up yet . Number four is this stop looking for an easy way out . Stop looking for an easy out . Five keys to saving a broken marriage . So stop looking for an easy out . You know there's nothing new under the sun .
Satan is a master deceiver and he's always wanting you to feel like you made a mistake . I shouldn't have married you . We got married too young . I shouldn't have married somebody else . I never should have been married . I should have stayed single , Shouldn't have had kids , I shouldn't quit school .
It's always the same thing and I think sometimes we just gotta say devil , you are a liar , because he lies , and we start to look for an easy way out . If I was married to somebody else , things would be better .
No , you would take you into the new relationship you can't , instead of looking for the grass to be green on the other side , you can begin to water your own grass , and so for us I think that was a big thing . We just divorced ourselves from threatening divorce or using divorce as an option .
I remember there would be times where I would leave the house like I ain't coming back . I ain't coming back , I'm just gonna stay out here . I'm gonna drive in a circle if I got to and I'm just so mad I can't stand you , I'm not going back home , I'm just gonna stay out all night . But I think everything changed when we took that threat off the table .
And I think there's too many people that they get into a jam and they threaten well , I'm leaving . Where you going Like I wanna get a divorce , I'm gonna stay with my mama ? No , stay there and stop putting each other on the couch , Stop practicing divorce and figure out how to communicate .
And I know there are times where you know how you get mad at your spouse and like you in the same bed and you sleeping on the edge of the bed I'm talking about over where the seam of the mattress is I can't even stand you right now . I don't even . I mean , I just I'm just , I don't even wanna look at you , Don't even share my covers with .
But you gotta learn to live through those things and apologize in the morning , Apologize at night if you really wanna be biblical and not let your son go down on your raft . But you gotta learn listen . Sometimes you gotta apologize and you ain't even the one that should be apologizing . You just need to apologize because it's drama , whatever .
I ain't got time for that . Life is too short . It is so true . You know what I'm saying . Sometimes I'm like baby . I'm sorry .
Hey , after 24 years of marriage , like , yeah , there's times I can speak for us both where it's just like you're upset about something . You're upset with me about something . Look , baby , I don't even really understand , but I'm sorry , like I don't want to fight with you , I'm sorry , tell me what you want me to do , like , and I mean it .
I want the people listening to this podcast right now to stop using the word divorce , stop talking about leaving and cut the word out of the dictionary . I'll tell a story about a couple , the first married couple that I ever did . Their names are the Geist whites .
They had both been married before and on their wedding day they did a ceremony that I'd never seen since . Never seen before and never seen it since . Most people in a wedding they have the unity candles , the unity sand . They got somebody singing Luther Vandross over in the corner .
But on their wedding day , in the middle of the ceremony , they brought out the family dictionary and they put it on a podium In hand in hand . They walked over to some scissors . They came to the family dictionary . They turned over to the page D . They looked for the word divorce .
In hand in hand , they cut the word divorce out of their family dictionary and they said we will not use this word in our relationship . And 15 , 16 years later , they're still married and happy on today and I believe that's a word for somebody who's listening today that you gotta stop threatening and leaving . That's not an option .
Okay , you said this was till death . Do you part Sickness , health , rich , poor , we done done all that . We've been poor together , rich together , we done been Sick together , on top together , but we still together and there's something powerful about being together . And so people come tell me well , I think I wanna leave , I think I wanna get a divorce .
Has there been infidelity ? Okay . Has there been abuse , adultery ? Has there been abandonment ? If it has not been those things , okay .
Don't come telling me about some divorce If you ain't went through two years of counseling , if you haven't read at least 100 books on marriage , if you haven't listened to at least 50 podcasts on marriage , if you went to a small group for at least three years .
You know , I posted a clip that says something like that and there was somebody that said well , you just think we have so much money to go to counseling . You ain't even ready for what I'm talking about . You talking about money . I'm talking about your marriage . I'm talking about your best friend . I'm talking about the two that's become one .
I'm talking about your destiny and you talking about money . Okay , and it's amazing to people that won't invest upfront , but they rather get a divorce and you gonna pay one way or another . It's just like eating .
Okay , you're either gonna eat healthy and you're gonna go to Whole Foods and you're gonna pay upfront , or you're gonna pay in the doctor's bill , but you're gonna pay . You're gonna pay one way or another . You're either gonna pay by getting counseling or you're gonna pay by child support , alimony and a broken home and broken dreams . So you're gonna pay .
So why don't we just make an investment upfront to cut off some of the other stuff that we have and invest in some good counseling or find a good church , get into some marriage small group and work on the ministry of marriage ? We can do it .
And number five , last but not least , is that you gotta put God first If you want a key to how to heal a broken marriage . God is the inventor of marriage and he's the one that will give you the power . Do you think our marriage would have been restored without God ?
No .
Like what percentage ?
chance . Would it be restored ? First of all , I don't think we would have gotten married because I wouldn't have got saved and I wouldn't know what percentage I'm gonna say a 0% . It was not working out without .
God , I would say a 0% , like it's zero . If it wasn't for God , we would not be together . We probably wouldn't be together .
Yeah , and that's unfortunate .
¶ The Power of God in Relationships
You guys , we need God .
We need God .
We need God . We need a power that is bigger than ourselves , because we do not know exactly what we're doing . I don't care how many degrees you got , I don't care how much success you have , how much money you got in the bank . You need God .
There are some problems in the world that you do not have the answers to , because there is a God , and I believe when you give your heart to Jesus , there is an anointing , an empowerment of the Holy Spirit that will come on your life to help you with every relationship , every business deal , all of your heart's desires , everything that is involved in your
marriage . He would love to be a part of it . I love you for the way that you love God . I think the number one advice that we give to married people is marry somebody who loves God more than they love you , because many people look for somebody to love them , but the way that I love you is only because I love God .
So I submit to you because I submit to him . I honor you because I really honor God , and I think that should be the number one quality that a believer should look for is that I'm looking for somebody who loves God more than they love me .
And I think for those people who are struggling in their marriage right now . If you don't love God more than your spouse , you gotta get there .
You gotta get the loving God , you gotta get your relationship with God to be the number one thing in your life . Yeah , because I was there .
I was there . I loved you more than I love God , Because my relationship with God was new . I didn't know the word , I didn't know anything , so I made you happy , but I know you . You made me happy , you gave me joy , you gave me security , you gave me peace and I had to and it was ungodly it was too much for you can't feel those shoes .
You can't do that . For me , there was too much pressure on you . There is somebody that is making their spouse feel shoes that only God can feel , and that's too much pressure on your marriage .
They can never be God and I could not love you the way you need to be loved without God in my life . I had to first love God , love myself , care for myself , and then I can give you the love that you deserve , the love that God created you to be able to receive .
Yeah , yeah , so good , so good . And so we wanna pray for your marriages , because I just believe there's a ram in the bush . I just believe that if you don't quit , you don't throw in the towel , you don't give up . I believe God is at work . I believe there's more working for you than against you .
If you're a believer , I believe that all things are working together for your good . God has this crazy way of taking your mess and giving you a message , taking your test like we've been through , and giving you a testimony .
My prayer is , for those of you all who are where we used to be , that in the soon coming years , god will give you a marriage ministry , just like he's given us . And I'm praying in Jesus' name that you will not give up , that you will have strength to endure , that you will go to God and humbly say God , I need you .
And you will sense the confirming presence of the Lord , and you will sense God moving and giving you wisdom of how he is one who will give you beauty for ashes . He is the repair of the breach . He wants to restore the broken things so that you give him the glory . And so we just declare the favor of God over you .
We declare the restorative power of God over you . We pray that God gives you wisdom , he gives you breakthrough and he gives you this crazy ability to love the unlovely , and we would love to hear your testimony about what God is doing in your relationships and how he restores it . Okay , hey , we love you . Guys . We're out of time for today .
Thank you so much for tuning in to our podcast today and our broadcast . Wherever you are , just know that you are not alone . You at least got me and her . That is rooting you on . We would love to hear from you , if you have a testimony , your testimonies . They encourage us , they inspire us . They wanna keep going okay .
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If you're ever in Orlando , florida , come join us at a live church , okay , and so we hope to see you next week . We got some great content coming out for you next week . Thank you for tuning in to Doing Life with Ken and Tapatha . We'll see you next week .
Peace .