S4 - Ep. 7 - Chris & Karen

Are you leaving?

I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol and gay aid.

We want to send you off Insta.

We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about it. We scared her? Was it fine?

Now?

Porn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Ride with Karen and Chris? Welcome to Do you need to ride? This is Chris.

Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgareff.

We're leaving Karen's house and I'm going to make a request right off the bat.

Yes, can we go through a coffee drive through?

Yes? Absolutely?

I didn't say Starbucks because maybe you knew of a mon pop place that has what we're looking for.

Oh yeah, there's so many around LA.

That's what I like about going home to visit Missoula, Montanas.

There is a chain that people choose to go to.

Is it the one where the girls are forced to wear a bikini tops?

No, that's in the Seattle area, and I've been through and I think that they were offended that.

I was like, really, is this real?

Is it?

You don't you don't need to bring it up with the employees.

Yeah, they don't want to talk about it.

Yeah, does it?

Does it?

Actually?

The time I did bring it up, she seemed to appreciate it. I did choose my words better than I just did. But I don't choose my words while podcasting. I saved that for the streets.

That's right, yeah, but not the drivers inherently no, no, okay, but yeah, I wish there was that option because usually I tell myself, well, Starbucks has.

The amount of caffeine I need. It's stronger.

But these days with their new poorovers and they're americanas it's lightweight. A nice coffee from Starbucks.

Oh really?

Stuff that gives me the full on anxiety I need to get through the day.

What and Jitters tell us your secret ingredient.

I think it is this new uh poorover thing. Are you familiar with the poor over?

I mean I've heard the term, but I I just drink black coffee.

It is it is a black coffee.

It is just I think it's the same as you know, where you get the grounds and you do a French press but this is a cold or they can do a cold. Gone are the days of May. I have an ice coffee and then some diner waiter brings you a regular coffee on ice.

It's such a slap in the face.

So you're saying, they make this coffee specifically to be iced.

I believe.

So wow.

I haven't really stuck my neck into the inner workings because they're very at this place. No photography. I don't want their secrets out. It's like a fancy Ramen place.

Are you getting your coffee from Willy Wonka? It is what's happening.

They won a prize, it's a national award.

My grandparents are all in bed, but I'm going to get them up and we're gonna take care of this same I know what.

It'll wake you up, Grandpa Joe is scrapy feet are my pillow?

Hey? Those feet got up after forty years and danced and then went to a factory tour.

Yeah.

I remember, even as a kid, because I had hurt my ankles.

Ned casts. I was like, he would be dancing right off the bat.

He'd be weak suddenly. That movie seems a little unrealistic.

It's the only unreal thing.

I've seen chocolate rivers, but old men who've been in bed for years doing a.

Jig way up into a vent. Yes, it happens all the time.

You have to get rid of the bubbles in your body, you.

And your grandpa. But you shouldn't touch the sides of the walls.

There's no shortcuts with a trophy.

But yes, of course you can put fruit flavors in a stream print onto the wallpaper and lick it.

And know that the Snosberry tastes like Snosberry's. Yes, look how close this drive through?

Oh this is nostalgic. Have I mentioned I'm happy we're back in the car.

You have a couple times, but let's talk about it again because I think it's always relevant.

We were on Times Square.

If you're a new listener, you probably saw the lit up billboard. I say billboard, but it was an illuminated building.

It was actually a series of LED lights specifically programmed for us and our faces.

In a rotation with other advertisements, but ours was deemed the most important to me. If you're a new listener, Hello, Normally we have guests, but today is one of the sod after solo episodes, which is you and I together, so it's not solo at all. But but it's solo if we are one.

Unit that's right, which we are and have been since twenty.

Fourteen, fourteen, and it's because we finish each other's sentence is.

Part of the way I said that sounded like I was just waking up in that word, which was a great read my opinion.

Actually at the start of this podcast, I hate to tell you now, but you woke up driving this Tesla is amazing. I can't believe I shook you to say turn left, but your car was already doing.

It, and I was.

Do you know that Blossom, my smallest and baby ist dog, snores like I just did right then? Sometimes if she gets to sleep in good enough and long enough, she'll do some real like grown man snores, And it is so funny.

Do you ever place a feather over head to see if it rises and falls with each breath?

No, but you can go onto my Twitter and see the cutest picture of her, which is her looking up at me and she has a tiny white feather stuck to the end of her nose. And I took a picture because it looks so cute, until I realized I bet you she ate a bird. She is actually a carnivorous, bread blooded animal.

And then you looked over at your domed cave age and the gate was wide open.

No, why why do I? Why do I even have that pet bird?

My gray African parrot. It was supposed to live till ninety I.

Was supposed to pass it. I was supposed to bequeath that parrot to my knees.

Oh, so imagine inheriting a parrot. That'd be pretty fascinating. Okay, Hi, can I get a grande ice mocha with just one pump of chocolate? Please?

I would like a grande iced coffee an alsa?

Okay, that ice water? Can? Can we get an ice water as well? That's gonna be a thank you? Oh?

Did you know I can get this one?

Oleato? Is? They put olive oil in their drinks.

That reminds me too much of those potato chips that make you shit yourself.

Oh did we talk about this already? No, because those are supposed to make you shit yourself as well. Well.

Coffee already does that a great job?

I'm gonna ask. I'm gonna ask her.

She's ever shared herself?

Hey? Hey, how do you feel about the oleatos.

Hey, thanks, sure.

Yeah, I thought i'd choose this time to be the first time I paid for coffee.

Yeah, why not?

It's all a rite off?

And then you know what is the little something for her?

Nice classy?

Well they do.

That's what I like about one of the many things. Don't get me started. I love a Starbucks. But they have a new system where you can tip.

Now. It used to bother me that there was no option. Right now you can press a dollar or two dollars or three, or if your daddy war Bucks.

But you're gonna say, if your daddy lets.

You, if your daddy let ta get money to the coffee lady. Please daddy, please, please daddy. I promise I won't ever do that character kind of want a golden goose, daddy, here we go. Are you sure you don't want to sparkle a drink and condon?

I really do.

Look at hell, they're all on a clear stairway like they're on a Broadway show.

I like this one. If I had picked pink and blue.

My sister has that one, the one that I just picked, Well, the rainbow disco ball one. When you give her the table where your point to me so she knows it's from me.

Thank you. Here, this is for you.

Let's just set it here.

So much honking, somebody must have like gone it through the light. My favorite graffiti used to be over there and it said I am not fat on it. That's like swear to God. Try to see if you can see it on that green box right here.

I am not fat.

I think they wiped it off.

I guess they did.

Made me laugh so hard the person I saw.

It would be funny if the graffiti artist came back because they had indeed gained some weight off. I'm one thing i am as a graffiti artist, but one thing I'm not.

As a liar.

I'm not a liar, and I.

Need the people to know. In this electric box, I have a lot of beverages.

Oh yeah, if you have to suddenly stop, do know that your protective hand, which I always appreciate, needs to be a down a little lower so.

I don't knock your coffee in there. Yeah, wonderful summer shirt.

I washed my car today because you were bragging about washing yours last time.

It had been many months.

Did you go to a self serve place?

No?

No, I went to a one of the drive throughs with the guys at the end, and some of them passionately do some detailing just because they're feeling it, and this guy really did a great job. And then also on top of that, I parked.

It in my own driveway. I ordered a uh a fuzzy disc that goes on the end of a drill. Sure, so I can wax and then don't have to use elbow grease. I can just buff. Yeah, it's a buffing system. Nice and it really makes it look great.

As I was doing that, because I was parked in front of my own garage, not blocking the sidewalk, a meter person showed up and said, this is just a warning because I could see you're waxing your car, but you can get a ticket. I'm like, oh, you know what, I've always I'm glad you told me because I always wondered because I'm not I'm leaving the sidewalk open and it is my garage. She's like, yeah, you can get a ticket, just a warning. I went upstairs.

Because you were blocking the garage.

Because I was in front of my own garage.

I didn't want to go into a semantic thing about it, but I left to walk away for the people, and went up to get a new fresh disc so I could do my final buff came back down, ticket on my car.

Liar.

Okay, yeah, she thought you left it there.

Yes, or it's not for five minutes she went around the block. Oh he thought he could leave it.

Well, yeah, you basically made her teach you a lesson.

I guess I should have run up the stairs faster. It was just to get one more buffing desk.

But but why five minutes?

I mean it was probably less, probably a minute.

I think if we could watch this in a court of law, and I wish we could. Oh, I never I didn't get drury duty, by the way.

Undone, don dunk dunned. Oh you you did your civic duty.

I did my civic duty, and I called every day, and I actually checked in online every day. Never got called, So it counts as doing my civic duty.

But I didn't get called, right, that's what's happened to me every time.

Oh, okay, I've never done it.

I have, I used to, I know't anymore. I should.

Let's get you back in.

Yeah, I gotta get back in. I want to be on a big murder truck.

Those are that's where all the best bits take place.

My buddy Adam that works at the Thrasher magazine, we sat next to each other at graduation. He's my friend. He said that he highly recommends Your Duty. He did it for like two weeks and he was emotionally invested. He said it was good for him to work with this group of strangers and they think they made the right decision, and he said.

It felt great, oh good. He also doesn't get out much.

I mean, I like that review because I think oftentimes the easiest thing to do is go this is a big pain in my ass. Yep, it's inconvenient, bloody blue yes, but you gotta be looking out for the points of interest now, Listen. I was stoked that I didn't have to go downtown and check in and all those things. But I think that's the kind of thing where like, how are you ever going to have an experience like that in any other part of your life?

Right?

You gotta kind of go and show up for something like that and see what happens.

I wonder if it's gotten more popular with that show Jury Duty.

Well, it only just came out, right.

I only just watched it.

Yeah, I wasn't sure if it was new where it had been sitting. Yeah, it's it's like a new network.

Yep, Jury Duty on free V, free V, free V.

You had to watch commercials.

Yes, it's like TV all over again. Free V.

We know you missed it. It's back FREEV.

We're gonna pretend we invented it commercials.

Uh, yeah, it was. It was.

It was very Uh, it was very good. You kind of have to watch the whole thing. People were saying, oh, it's the best, and I watched a few episodes and I was like, where are the jokes?

Am I supposed to be laughing? But it's more than that.

It's like a it's a whole concept.

It's a whole concept. They're turning reality TV up on its head.

Now, I'm all for turning reality TV on it's a high time, but is it the kind of thing where there's people that are real that are in it and they don't know and they're being made fun of.

I don't like that, right, And that's where I thought it was going.

But as you watch it, much like the difference between Eric Andre's reality movie that road Trip thing compared to Borat or something that was celebrating people, intervening. It was showing the good in people, and that's what this show also is doing. You'd think it's gonna because this guy isn't perfect. He's kind of a dufis and they show him be a dufus. But he's also a kind person and everyone on it is an actor except for him. Oh okay, and it shows him. That's why it's a

Oh okay, great watch. It's not like, look how dumb this guy is, or look how gullible this guy.

No, at first you think it's going in that direction, but he starts showing highlights and montages of him being a redeeming, sweet person with compassion, and that becomes the purpose of the show, and so as you watch it, it's it.

That's the payoff.

Oh that's nice.

Yeah, it is nice.

We need more good vibes. That's the ted Lasso influence in modern media.

It's a good.

Vibe summer and we're all horning for it. And I'm hoarning for this time. Jesus said, in this world you will have tribulation, but fear not fear is bold because I have overcome the world. Matt three sixteen Matt, isn't it Matthew? It is That guy's on an abbreviated name Basis with one of the apostles.

He has read the Bible so much he is allowed to call him Matt.

I mean, he chose to have that made. I have to see his face.

You know what it is?

Beat up.

I'll tell you. I was already looking. And it's a place that provides food for homeless people. Okay, right, I noticed it too, and I was like, way to go, Matt.

This is like that time we're making fun of that guy's industrial bumper and it turned out to be a ramp for a chair.

Right, yeah.

That. Oh we've been wrong a lot on.

This show, Yes we have, but we always recover.

This is human life.

Yeah.

I haven't gotten a strongly worded email but a long time as far as I know, although sometimes I don't open my email. So that's a good that's a good way around that.

Well. Also, I think it's good that people are with us when we make our judgments, our snap judgments.

We rush to judgment, right.

We love it, I do. It's fun. Yeah, And then oh god, and.

Then of course it's an.

And then we realize we have an epiphany about being wrong, and then we talk about, oh good, we were wrong, that that thing we assumed just bad is actually a good thing.

Right, And it's easy to listen and then think about it and then come back to us with what we should have said or where we could look at things. But you didn't have that split second. We are on our tiptoes.

Oh yeah, we're just receiving the world around us, yes, and commenting contrary.

To what you think these past years. This podcast is not scripted.

I mean, holl for Karen.

Whoops, Sorry, don't read the stage directions aloud.

Sorry, there's so many stage directions. People. Why do we wear these sequent outfits.

It's for the vibes, Yeah, yeah, it's to really deliver in every way.

Speaking of this guy, this guy, Yeah, I.

Dare you have a problem with me in my van in the middle of the road.

When's the last time you saw a bald guy with a cigarette sticking out of his mouth going to do stuff in his illegally parked van. Because I can't recommend the vision enough.

You gotta come to this part of town.

North Hollywood, baby.

North Hollywood. Do you want vans parked in the middle? You want tough guys?

You got it?

How about a husky? Can you see that dog?

Oh?

Barely, but I ears a little larger than most dogs of his.

Breed or their breed.

It's breed. Maybe that's a big Oh.

It could be part shepherd. That's the van.

That's the van. He scared our favorite dog. That's now he's like, is there vans on this side?

He's thank you? I better look out for vans over here.

I mean that dog has the lightest blue eyes.

Yep.

I think that dog should be wearing sunglasses.

That dog definitely needs to go to the optometrist.

And I'm gonna be that optometrist.

You know, I wish you would not pose as a veterinary amptometrist anymore because you're going to get into trouble.

And I'm just putting on rubbers.

But I realize I need to go to the optometrists because these goddamn ray band sunglasses that I have. Sure they look great, Sure I took them to Europe this summer and succeeded. But when I take them off, they press into my cheeks.

Oh, you know.

The thing ray bans do where they're tipped backwards a little bit on the bottom right, and they like cut the wind chill factor or whatever.

That's how James Dean liked them.

Right. Yeah, I didn't realize that's what I was getting. So every time I am like in a sephora and I throw my sunglasses up on top of my head, there's just two red rings I'm undermine.

See you here? See oops? What was that?

I was going too fast for these cars? Being stock?

Oh wow, yes, you really can't do anything wrong in this thing.

You really, you can be asleep.

See I can put my well ded juts right.

Look how I can rub my even And that's how I like my glasses.

Not no entry, no way. Oh wow, they're right up against it.

Well, I mean it makes sense.

We're not supposed to put our dirty digits on our corneas. I have a problem with glasses always pressing. There's nodes maybe behind our ears. Please don't do it, because and that's why I went back and bought them again after losing them. Uh, there are times when I thought I was someone that couldn't wear glasses, and then if you just gotta get the right ones.

But when because if they were like pressing too hard ye back there.

Yeah, and this is all boring, but a lot of people might relate to that. How do you have glasses to press on these? I'm worried about these bumps behind my ear, is what I'm saying. Other people have painful nodes, y nodules, moles, they're not bols.

Although did I ever show you the picture of the time, And this was I think during quarantine, so I didn't. I woke up with a pain behind my ear and it was like bugging me where I was like, what is that? That's like, it's not a zid, It's not an increase of my ear. It's like in the space behind my ear, the tint of your ear. And so I just ended up taking a picture, like pulling my ear back and taking a picture. I think it was

Do you still wear those sunglasses made of spiders?

Oh? Is that what it was?

They're Halloween novelty, but the fire clawity ones are real.

Spider You can't expect a spider not to buy you if it's there on your sunglasses. All day and night. Right, it's too much to ask.

And that was always my issue with glasses.

When I would wear them, I suddenly it's hard to get I'm used to them now, but I used to put them on and sudden and forget that I'm wearing them suddenly, and the periphery my peripheral vision. I pick up the frames and I think it's a spider or a bug, and I swap them and they fly and go into a sewer drain.

Has anyone had that problem? Oh no, it's a spider.

Just cartoon characters.

Five hundred dollars glasses down the drain. There's always a manhole sometimes, do you ever do this? You're on a construction site and you're walking on one of the beams and it rotated at the last minute, and you continue to walk out and you hear the construction people yelling.

Just when I was a baby, that's mister, and that baby. There's a baby one two?

Oh, yes, the baby crawling.

Yeap. The baby gets out of the house and then you watch the baby have a highly dangerous day where nothing happens to the baby.

Well, a lot of these stay at home dads, they pick up a construction gig.

Of course you get to take your baby.

Up on the seventieth floor that you're working on, put it in your lunch pale.

That's how it was in the fifties.

Yeah, it was a simpler time.

When you were in grammar school and did you carry a lunch paal to school? Lunchbox is what we called them in the seventies.

I did, and it was a Duke's to hazard nice lunchbox. Yes, yes, in theory.

But there's a flag on the top of that car that Oh I'm glad there's no photo evidence.

Yes, there is an offensive bixy flag.

That flag that is offensive at the time. That was back before racism.

Right right before racism was a problem.

I mean, seriously, everything was so racist back then. It's insane, Like if we did have a bunch of photo evidence of all those times, the problems would never end.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's crazy when one day you realize your favorite John Hughes movie Growing Up, is.

Riddled with offensive lines.

It's just certain things don't hold up, and they shouldn't. But it is such a weird expect it from sixteen candles well.

And also it's just such a marker of time where it's like forty years have passed since that movie came out. And you can tell.

When you say grammar school because I where I'm from, we called it elementary school. Okay, it's just the going phrase.

Okay.

My uncle used to visit from Seattle and he would always ask me house grammar school, and I'd be puzzled with that, and then he'd follow it up with are you taking arithmetic? And I'd say, uh no, no, I'm not. It's like, really no arithmetic. I'm like, no, I do not.

We do not take arithmetic at my school. He thought I was at some some free wheeling monassory, right I did.

It took maybe into my twenties to realize that means math.

Well, why was he talking to you like it was eighteen ten?

We just didn't have a lot to talk about. He was an old timey guy. He wore a lot of you, wore a lot of olive.

Green tweed suits, and had a curly red mustache.

He watched the Tips.

Wait a second, this was a time traveler, Chris he every year.

I remember he came from Seattle on a giant bike front wheel, big wheel on the front, and my Grandpad always goes, thank God, I know that Chimney will be swept.

So you're telling me he's from the eighteen hundreds. You're telling me this visiting Chimney sweep is a fiction of my own imagination.

Now, he's a sweet man, and he would uh just bring money for Christmas, give it to my grandparents and then they would buy all the gifts with his money.

Wow.

But I didn't realize that. So you'd open a gift from him and I'd.

Be like, oh cool, and he go, what I get you?

And I always thought that was like a deadbeat mom's uncle thing to say.

Yeah, but no, he actually did get it.

That's hilarious.

He didn't want to do the shopping.

There's so many things I'd like to tell him now he has passed many years ago, but I.

Would like to say, yes, I did take.

Bath, and thank you for all the presents with other people's names on them.

Yeah, yeah, Gordon, thank you Gordon Gordon.

So he really did wear tweet suits and have an orange orange mustache.

Yes, yes, he.

Lived alone, and I think his whole life I believe was gay and never addressed it and never was able to live a life because he wanted to live because of the.

Times, because of the Dukes of hazard, because.

Of the goddamn Duke boys. He wanted to slide over the hood of a car. He just wasn't agile. But I did go to his apartment when when I was a kid, and he had a new TV and the TV he had previous and the TV previous to that. They were stacked. It was a nice, neat stack. But the first TV from the was turner that it was like the first TV that ever came out.

Yes, because those was it like a big piece of furniture, like the kind that looked like a big It was dresser.

They got progressively smaller and older, as they said, So it was the smallest oldest TV. Yeah, but yeah, the bottom the nice one, the newest one.

Yes was oh so he oh, I guess it didn't go up and went down the stack.

Yes, so you could take the new TV put that on the bottom. Yep, take the old TV. So it was you know, it was more based on size. The one in the middle could have been the oldest.

Now.

No, he did a from top to bottom, small to bottom, small to the bigger stack stack. The way the Aliens built the Pyramids, Yes, but yeah, he was a sweet man.

I was.

You know, it'd only come during Christmas, so I didn't know him very well.

Well, at least you brought that money.

He did bring that money.

Oh wait, that reminds me and I'm so sorry. But we're gonna go into our segment, which is Karen telling Chris TikTok videos of one of the worst ways to experience TikTok is by another person just verbally telling you about one. But I don't care because this is my new compulsion. So this one, I think I found it.

No I did.

I thought it was scripted at first, so I thought it was actors. Oh, where's this sketch going.

No, this is real.

It's most of the stuff on I find TikTok is.

Real, right right? And then and then the caption really sells it.

Yeah, because you're there with a family pranking grandma. How wholesome is that?

Yeah? Yeah, more grandma's have to be pranked.

Uh.

The one that we always did with my grandma, she'd step on a rake in the yard.

No, it happened to her twice.

Are you serious?

Yes, I'm starting to have questions. She broke her nose once and she'd say, I stepped on a rake. Oh oh, and then it happened again.

Oh no, I know.

This moment of silence is contemplative, but it is also I think one of the time.

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know where.

I backed I Yes, that was the story she told me two different times.

She stepped on a rake. Who okay, like in goonies and there was scary things on that.

I'm sure we all get what that is. But then who could have done it? Your grandpa? Yeah? No, no, no.

If you're in my family right now and you're listening, I'm sorry. I'm just stating the facts.

Is this. This is like an illustration.

There were no other major signs along with.

When you said the Aliens built the pyramids, an illustration of the problematic past. We're both from.

Well, I don't like what I've drawn, but.

Also it's happening in real time because you just realized that the odds are very low.

But I mean there were rakes in the yard?

How many? I mean whatking?

No, the grass and montana clumps up, you have to rake it.

You're in denial.

I am.

That's intense.

It is intense. This is a highly tense episode.

We got to work through this.

It wasn't Gordon. I'll tell you that he was a gentleman.

It was the guy before Gordon.

Oh, the TV before Gordon.

Just a stack of Gordon's oh man on my back started to sweat.

Yeah, that one was well, you just truly realized something awful.

Who was punching my grandma Karen?

I mean, I'd love to know, I don't.

Let's not talk about it anymore. Ooh, look Flappers Comedy Club.

Adam Conover is going to be there in July fourteenth, and of course Jay Leno will be there the next day. Hey, remember that news story where Jay Leno was burned with chemicals.

I do remember that that was upseting. I think it was fired. The chemicals let on fire. He was burnt with fire.

But he must be okay if he's at Flappers next week.

He had skin grafts, He had a lot of work, was major.

Oh are you serious?

Yeah, and he was back to doing well healing. He was back at the Comedy and Magic Club doing stand up, making jokes about it, of course.

Yeah. One of the jokes was, I told myself I'd never be a roast comic. He had bits for the news on the sidewalk in front of it.

That's horrible.

Yeah, just at the last minute, it was. He reassured us that he's he's going to be okay, But I also reassured us that he's not the best joke writer.

All in one swoop, he is a good joke writer. Though I will always defend seventy for.

The Dorito's commercials. Yes, something happened on that set.

What Doo's commercial?

He used to crunch, all you want, we'll make.

More, remember that, Yes, I do. It was that nineties, two thousands.

I don't know.

It was during that time. I was sat in front of the TV and had it raised me.

How many did you guys have stacked up?

We had?

I think that we did our due diligence and my parents did jury duty and they threw away that today called the dump and they came and picked up our old TVs. Yeah, but I think that maybe I had the same TV my whole adolescence in childhood from arithmetic into math.

The full transition. M. I realized that the reason I was suggesting that your uncle's oldest TV was in a big cabinet because and it was that's what our first one was.

Yeah.

Yeah, Like the speaker had wooden lattice over it, like, yes, it's a whole.

And sparkles material with sparkles in it.

You had to put a coaster on top of the TV. That's how furniture it was. Yeah, people would leave their drinks on it.

Everything was big and wooden back then. Mm hm, like everything chook up. A lot of space cars were really big and long.

Yeah, it was a day of metal and wood It was an era of materials.

And now everything is plastic and there's microplastics in our blood.

And I'm drinking through a straw right now and I'd like to apologize to my nieces.

It's just better for sound. If I tip the cup back, you can hear the ice jiggling.

These are we got these straws, and then we'll use these straws for the rest of the month.

This is a do you need to ride a nostalgic neighborhood? Where are we?

This is?

Are we going to be going by that haunted house?

Yep, it's that part of Burbank that we love.

But it is hard to find that haunted house.

It is.

We've only found it a few times. Go back in the archives there is a there's a picture of the house. A few episodes where we replaced our poster with the picture. The other time was the time we went to NASA Space Camp.

Mmmm hm. But it's beautiful.

That's one thing when I'm moved to Los Angeles, these mountains.

You don't know one more into you that you're going to be surrounded by mountains.

Maybe people don't know that if you come to LA and you look into the distance there's a snow capped mountain.

Yeah, tell me what's not to love about that?

It's great perspective.

Yes, from a distance, Yeah, I don't want to hike on it.

No. Also, these mountains do you remember the year? And I would say it was probably twenty twelve, somewhere on the Thames, and these mountains all caught on fire. And yeah, I came out of CBS one night and looked to the right and it looked like we were in a like a movie about living in hell. Like just the entire surrounding mountain side, which seemed very close because it was on fire, was on fire. It was so crazy and like surreal.

Yeah, it's amazing. What signs we thought were the end of the world before COVID. Now if we sign an entire mountain range on fire, we'd be like, well, it's no.

Pandemic, right, Yeah, the pan it's beautiful, The street's beautiful.

They we got mountains in the background and it's lined with perfectly straight palm trees, which are not indigenous to the area.

No, And in fact, I saw a TikTok that said in about thirty to fifty years, these palm trees are all going to die.

I hearing that for a long time or did.

I say it on a different episode?

No, not from you, You've backed it up. I've heard it for a long time. Now, have you prepodcast?

I've never heard it, and it upsets me. The idea of that I don't like.

Yeah, it's like palm trees last forty or fifty years.

My childhood voval.

They're oh, yeah, it's always wanted one of those boxy, heavy bastards.

Yeah. I think that's sad. Although when things are windy and those palm froms fall from one hundred feet in the air, that's very dangerous.

Not to mention riddled with a spider's nest or maybe a rat.

M h when I've always.

Thought this would be I have a lot of things that scare me during Halloween, but one is walking under a palm tree and yes, frond could hit you and knock you out. A man who trims palm trees died on my street ones. Oh no, yeah, I don't mean to have grim but we're talking about.

Life, baby.

Yeah.

But I always thought, because we've been told there's rats up there, what if you're walking under a palm tree and as spider nest fell and landed on your head like Winnie the Pooh's honeybucket.

No, just think about it. For instance, Now you'd scream, but it's just.

No, you can't scream because you're opening your mouth to more spiders. Yeah, so you better zip it. But yeah, I love that you started that story by saying that the things around Halloween that scared you, as if you're different than everybody.

Well, a lot of people want to be scared. Have you heard about these houses? These these these it's called like Mayfair Mansion or something. It's people have died. They actually torture you, they actually pull your teeth and stuff. No, and there's a line of like twenty five thousand people wanting to know.

People are lying.

Yes, I looked. I went to the website. It says permanently closed, something bad happened.

Well, so you're saying it's a it's a like.

A haunted house experience.

But they they get to pull your teeth, they.

Full contact, they torture you. People want to do this. It's goes into the some realm of s and m I don't know. Oh oh, but it's it's it's scary and it's thus in the country and it's something Mayfield manor or maybe something. I just was reading about it and watching videos about it, and the guy that runs it is the scariest person I've ever seen.

Yeah, you would probably be some sort of a sadist I would imagine if he's started business.

Yes, it is, and that is a part of me that I just don't.

It's scary enough just at the County Fair going into a dark fold out trailer that has people, yeah, and mirrors.

I don't. I guess I've done the one here. It's so funny.

We're talking about Halloween in the middle all of the summer. That's we're getting you ready on the Queen Mary, that ship that's already haunted with real ghats. Yes, Like I remember looking down the hallway and there's mattresses and I was like, oh wow, they really they even made it scary down there. And they're like, oh no, that's just like that. We don't move those mattresses. Everyone's scared of this place. The guy in mine.

Told me that.

But there was actual people and they've chainsaws. There's no chain on it. But they aren't allowed to touch you though, And once you know that, it's like, okay, as long as no one grabs me, I'm gonna be fine, because you know me, My my first instinct is to do a right hook.

Absolutely well, because if someone's grabbing you and you're already in fear, you're no longer at a haunted house. Now you're being assaulted.

Yeah, it's fight or flight, and I fight.

Maybe.

Yeah, so I keep saying, baby, I don't know what that's.

All right, it's the sum it's your summer vibe. Me. I just that's very interesting though, because I think I saw a documentary now that you're now that we're talking about this, but you're the tooth pulling distracted me. I saw one where in the contract, Yeah, where do they do the thing where they take people off of the street. Uh?

No, I think it's you.

You submit to it, and you there's a waiting list and you fill out this contract that says, yes, you can pull off my fingernails.

Okay, well this one insane.

This one might be slightly different. But for this one that you sign up for, they come and take you when you don't expect them to.

Oh so you don't go there, Oh that's part of it.

Yeah, I don't. I don't know about the pickup. I guess that's nice. They have a car service.

I mean, the whole thing is it's truly crazy.

So yeah, there's no part of me that wants that, just for just so you know, if you're ever thinking of getting me a gift, Okay, I do.

Not want to do that.

No to self. Cancel the attack, Cancel the birthday attack for Chris, I do.

Not want it's it's awful and no one has ever won the prize.

They always quit early.

Wait what prize you get? Like fifty grand if you go through the whole experience.

That's why. That's what I hate about it.

It is it's dangling money, just like most reality shows, but also are eating bugs and things on TV so they can get money.

But okay, that's totally crazy because if you're doing it for money, but they're pulling out your fingernails or teeth, then that is just that's horrifying.

It's just as crazy as that a live show that I love watching where you live in a frozen tundra for see how long you can last. Just when I found out it's just for one million dollars, that's not even a down payment on a house.

Yeah, especially after taxes.

Yeah exactly. They don't mention taxes on that show.

Oh, because they're big tax evaighters on that show.

Yeah, yeah, they don't make their taxes.

But it's a different thing to like on a loan. You're like, I'm going to roll the dice and put myself at risk to potentially be harmed, but probably not. Maybe starve a little bit, maybe see a wild animal that no one will actually let me be attacked by. But the other thing you're talking about, you were guaranteed to be attacked and hurt inside.

No, have you seen alive or alone?

I've seen the billboard live or alone.

Not the one with a soccer team where everyone eats and I'd be the first to.

Eat a person, no hesitation. Yeah, day two, it's it's alone because I've seen. I have friends that like to talk about it on Twitter.

The only thing is there are establishing shots. They you know, they have a camera with them and and theoretically they are filming everything with body cams and they're but then they'll have like a swooping crane shot of their dwelling they made and it's like, Okay, there is a cameraman there with a power bar in his pocket. But I really don't think they intervene because they are like they show them in danger.

Who knows well kind of danger?

Very bears ankles break. I guess you can't really prevent that without sandwich. But there's a there's a lot of stuff that. I mean, they all star vase. They've stopped one woman. I really wanted her to win because she made the best insulated cabin. It was two layers of logs, perfect, and she insulated it with like juniper bushes and it was a cozy cabin warmed by the fire, was under these slates of rock that then heated her bed.

It was amazing.

And then she was going because she was only eating berries and didn't want to kill animals, which those people that just ate animals, they weren't getting all the nutrition either.

You starve no matter what. But she was going crazy.

She made a stuffed animal and was holding it like it was a baby and talking to herself. And they finally intervened and said, you are in danger of having heart problems because your body is eating away at itself.

We're pulling you from the show. And she's like, no, I feel great. Look at me. Did all these juniper beanie babies.

Took one tooth dangling out of her head? It was well, sorry, So she was a vegetarian or vegan that was trying to.

Do it right and made it longer than the guy that's like, I kill all the animals, and he like immediately killed a moose and that's why the wolverines kept eating his moose meat.

So he made a moose tower.

Then the wolverines figured out how to make their own ladder.

I don't remember the.

Details, but he he was, Yeah, the people just eating foosh and fish and moose and fosh mess.

There's guys just thought they could get by on fosh and meats.

They're idiots.

You can't make up an animal and think you're gonna survive.

Oh I'm out here. I'm gonna eat foosh, I'm gonna eat mess. I'm fine.

I hate to pieces.

And then and then the other people that like this one guy killed the I guess I really liked the show. This guy killed squirrel and then he was crying. He's like it was this big tough guy.

He's like, the.

Squirrel was my only friend. And he had like an little ceremony. Oh yeah, it was sad.

But it seems like, I mean not to be judgmental of these people who just are trying to be on a TV show. Obviously at the end of the day, but win.

A million dollars? What do they think?

What do they think was gonna happen? It's called alone. They're flying you out into the middle of Alaska. You think you're not gonna have to kill a squirrel, right, at best a squirrel.

They are all survivalists that know the road. They definitely have camped for more than a weekend. Yeah, so it's like their thing, it's their hobby.

And yet here come the water works when you have to kill.

A squirrel, right, right, that guy is his strengths lie to other places other than squirrel murder.

They all have their strength.

His strength was building shrines and crying useless.

Yeah, it's an interesting show because it's different types of people, different strengths. And you think so and so the tough guy with the Also, you can bring your own things, and some people are like I brought some line and some hooks and this comfortable pair of shoes. And another guy's like I brought underwear and this rifle. Like they can have weapons, not guns, but one guy had a

In day two, he fell and rolled his ankle and he called He's like, I gotta get out of her my ankle. He was talking so tough. That's why I love the show. That guy got kicked off.

And then the lady that was making stuffed animal friends almost she went like three months or something.

Yeah, she hung in there.

Yeah, it's cool. It's cool, but it does get.

Gross because you have to see them prepare these gross meals and eat them.

I wish that part. I wish they would pick laid.

That you mean like squirrel barbecue type of.

Stuff, yeah, or fish super I won't even get what I mean.

Or sip.

They were sipping on some fish and I did not like to watch it, just the sounds.

Smoke an indo, the pieces on. Sorry, I liked it. I have seen that alone. Billboard. For some reason. I really liked the billboard when it was all the people standing there. I don't know if it was season one or what, because I was like, the first time I saw the billboard there was one lady on it where I'm like, that's kind of how I dress that's what I would look like if I was on the show. She was like one of the ladies with her arms crossed. It was. It kind of just made me laugh. Yeah.

It was like a lot of people get pulled in by the.

Fashion, you know, the fashion of I don't have to get ready, I can pull on a beanie and make this flannel work for me.

Yeah.

I like that idea.

Yeah, it is everything about it. I really you know, I might give it another go.

How many do you know how many seasons? There have been?

Many?

Oh? Really?

Yeah?

Four, five, six, maybe ten, anywhere from four to ten, certainly nine, eight or nine?

Though, Chris, are you letting the coffee talk for you?

Yeah? Strong, I don't need my pullover French press. This has given me the jitners. I don't know what's gonna fly out of my mouth.

Pull over French troll?

God two rakesh, sorry god, no, just you know, momentarily, Hey, what's that?

What are they doing?

They're having a summertime experience.

Hopefully he's not. He should be walking next to her. If if what I've learned from fifties movies is correct, that's right.

You have to switch the lady out, put it in on the inside.

Mm hmm.

Something I do practice moving ladies around as you walk down the street.

No, I practiced pushing people into the street. I'm not ever gonna do it, but it's good to practice.

You and then you push them and you go, I'm the lady now, God, you know I'm on the inside.

This coffee, Karen, I can't believe I even said that. It's not even to joke about pushing ladies in the street. It's that's caffeine.

Look, oh, do you remember that story from long ago? This is one of my favorites.

I would say, thank you, No, what's the story.

No problem, it's a story out of London. I would say. It was in the late teens, pre COVID story on a bridge in London morning time commute hour.

The London Bridge.

No, okay, I think that's for show.

Now, yeah, I think it's for this or if it's.

Not a bridge, it was like a street that was had a very narrow sidewalk. Ladies jogging guide jogs is the other direction from her. He pushes her into the street and a bus slams on its brakes and just barely misses hitting her.

Is this a TikTok.

This is no, this is a real thing that happened. And then they thought they found the guy, and then the guy who was they thought they found who did it? Like based on with all the CCTV cameras and everything they have over there, it was an American and he had an alibi like I was not there, I wasn't in England, and so basically it was like so nothing came of it, but they you can see the footage you can look at it online of this woman getting pushed into traffic by this like anonymous jogger.

And did not get hit, but it was so close and they never found him.

And they never found me.

Looks like the guy.

Yeah, although you know, the guy has this alibi that makes it so they can't do anything. So there's a good chance they're wrong about who they thought it was.

But if you think it was an alien that was a clone of him, no, I think there's.

A genre for many shows right now.

You know what it looks like more likely to me than an alien is people hitman type of people, uh, who are good at blending in and who look like a lot of other people. Right, So, a guy that's six feet tall jogging, blonde ish hair with a baseball hat. Who's that You'll never.

Well, I just that was the first one that came to mind.

I mean, great guess, but wrong, you know, wrong.

Wow, that's awful. I'm glad she didn't get hit.

I know, but that, Uh, when we speak of pushing ladies in the street, let us always remember that very on top of it, best driver who saved that woman's life, and the fact that that even could have happened.

Yeah, that is what. That's like my biggest fear. And I think, like, it's so unrealistic. Don't imagine someone's gonna put you, don't imagine someone's gonna veer into your lane.

But it does happen. That's why I imagine it.

Yep. One time when I lived in New York, very briefly, I was in Times Square walking somewhere, and we were waiting for the light stop walk light to turn green. And the light turned green, but the hand was still red, and so cars were like taking heart real fast rights in front of us, and this girl wasn't paying attention. She went to walk out on the street and I grabbed her back.

Really, you saved her life?

Well, I kind of she seemed irritated, and then the light turned directly after so it was like, oh, sorry, I didn't need to touch you. But also there's cars in front of us.

Did you have did you explain why you grabbed her?

No? No, she saw the car but still was irritated. Well, she just it was weird. It was like me going like that, right, and then it was good I did it. But at the same time, you know, especially in New York City, people don't want you touching their shoulder.

Right randomly, although I found it to be very friendly. If you're going to touch anyone's shoulder, I would do it there before I do it here.

Yeah, for sure, New York City shoulder touch.

Yeah.

I mean when do we honk at the Mercedes going into sweat cycle and stopping all the time.

I'm going to count down to four, three, two, one honk, Now you'll do it.

I'll let the guy go.

Well, they're not going to learn the lesson, okay, asshole. Yeah, just let them have that. Yeah, I'm sure they heard it.

I should have rolled my window down because her window is down.

Yep.

I'm trying to think of if I if I've ever saved someone's life, I'm afraid it would come right. I don't think I have no you'll get a win again, Karen the constant unspoken contest.

I mean, just just be aware you're in the contest, and maybe you'll win next time.

I've saved my own life a few times.

Sure, isn't that selfish? Sure?

Yeah, yeah, I don't think I have knowingly, but there's no telling you know what what choices I've made and the butterfly effect that stems from that sliding doors, the doors that I just set up near the dominoes, or the other things that describe a series of events caused by other events where I've saved someone because I decided to buy blue shoes instead of red.

I mean, that would be kind of cool if you could find out how many of your good decisions affected other people positive.

I mean, I haven't seen the film, so I don't I'm guessing, but that's what the Butterfly Effect is about. It starring I want to say, Keanu Reeves, but that's not his name. Yeah, yeah, that's him.

If you haven't seen The Butterfly Effect, I recommend it a thousands.

I've only heard that it's laugh out loudly bad.

But it is wildly bad, but in this way where it's really trying to do something, like you can't get that bad. Usually bad movies are just boring because you know what they're doing and you've seen it a million times. This is like a they're really trying to do something and it's wild. It's like stupid and crazy and funny and very dramatic, all at the same time totally worth it.

I had an audition once I forgot about this, and it was at this building and they're waiting to see me. I had made a video and I went in and they had a butterfly effect poster in the bathroom and it was huge and I and I came out and I said, well, someone here is a big fan of the butterfly effect and they're like, yeah, that was one of the first movies we produced. And then I was like, oh God, why'd I say that? Why did I have

Oh, it was like his production company. And he was nice and he did that that's very cool. I never told you about that, right, I don't think so, because there's no point to it. It's just me name dropping.

But I do want everyone to know that if you were wondering if he's a nice person, he had no reason to play, Hey let's go to the jam.

I'm gonna do my tiny waits joke.

Oh my god, Yeah he didn't. He could have walked right through that room. He could have looked at you and given you a fro boy head nod exactly at the very most, that's what anyone expects, and to stop and do a bit also to say, hey, do you want.

To work out?

So funny he was.

It was so silly, was his goofy didn't carry Waits thing or you know, or mar Steve Martiney he did in kind of but Jerry lewisy way, Oh it's funny.

It was great.

Yeah, I will forever pay attention where there's news of him and Mila Kunitz in the news.

I love that they got together. I think that's the sweetest thing of all time. It's so cute. Yeah, they're both you know, truly beautiful people, right, not personally, not deep down, but absolutely on the surface.

Right.

But so that's Butterfly Effect, in my defense, is famously a not good movie.

So I just it was something to talk about. I had coffee that day.

It's a funny thing to say, right that, Like, you're a big fan of this movie. Yeah, therefore the poster.

Was kind of like, you know, and Arthur in that movie, Arthur when there's a texta dermid moose and he's like, here, must really hate at this moose.

I love that obvious. Yes, a lot of people would call it a dad joke.

Yo, yeah, but I'm Barren.

I have no offspring, so it's a regular joke.

It's just old old guy joke.

Yeah.

Wait a second.

That was when there's a time where partying at the improv always with Henry Phillipson and Nicki Glazer when she was we were all younger, and that was our favorite game to play. You casually insult someone and they agree for a second and then go hey, so yeah, like I that was the example.

I already gave you an example.

I did the example with you.

Yeah, it's like and I said, oh, Karen, you're wearing black again today. I like how it always brings out all the dogcare on your Yeah, hey.

You kind of you simmer in the in the agreeing a little more.

Yeah, i'd lie like it too, because of the contract not to tell you how to play the game.

But let's do it again.

Let's okay, m oh, this is I like doing a left here, especially going too fast like this because I like to live on the edge of my I.

Know too, it's really hey.

No, you're a good driver. I think that one wasn't well the example. It was really pissed for.

I was actually getting nervous because I was like, I don't know if I want to hear a bunch of insults in a row.

Right right, that's a That's an interesting part of the game, is it lets you.

Really slam your grievances. Yeah, but you have to play the game, so you have to hear it.

Wait, am I right on this time? Time wise? Oh? Good? Oh yeah, okay good.

Oh yeah, your internal clock is always ticking. Biological clock is ticking.

Karen, Oh, I will have a child out of wedlock. I will just for the jokes.

Well that was fun, Yeah, easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl.

I remembered some things about my childhood. Uh, you know, not everything is rainbows and fucking sunfarts.

No, it is not. That is very true.

Yeah, it's true. No, it's never been said quite like that.

No, do you have any shows coming up that you want to thank you?

I am going to be in Boise, Idaho September ninth or eighth.

One of those.

Okay, the lounge across the Universe or it's a friend to open a club of someone that I started comedy with in Austin years ago, and she lives in Boise, Idaho now and has a club that is magic and comedy.

Oh, specifically fun.

And yeah, I'm very lounge in the center of the universe lounge. Oh I should know this.

Just google lounge and universe and.

Boise Lounge at the center of the universe.

Yeah, I think that sounds right.

Is that a same I don't know. It sounds cool.

It's a good name, yeah, it is a great name. Other than that, I don't know. I gotta start getting start booking.

Book it up. Yeah, summertime bookings.

That's right, that's what I'm on, summer vacation.

Yes, you gotta take it easy.

Yeah, I should relax more.

You should probably cancel that Idaho job.

Yeah, that's going to really muck up my september. You've been listening. Do you need a ride?

D y n A O W I went low.

This has been an Exactly Right production.

Produced by Annalise Nelson, mixed by Edson Choy. Our talent booker is Patrick Cottner.

Theme song by Karen Kilgarriff.

Artwork by Chris Fairbanks. Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's d y n ar Podcast.

For more information, go to exactly Rightmedia dot com.

Thank you, Oh You're welcome.