S4 - Ep. 52 - Chris & Karen

Are you leave in I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol and gay a.

We want to send you off in style. We wanna welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine? Malborn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do your need you ride.

With Karen and Chris? Welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

And this is Karen Kilgith.

Oh. I like what you did there.

That's my in studio serious man voice.

It's I'm looking at your face. We're looking at each other's faces.

True, true, it's.

Been And when's the last time we did this?

Oh yeah, you're right.

Yeah.

Years?

I mean I thought were years. You start. You got emotional there, Okay, that.

Is that is kind of emotional.

I used to think my family cried a lot, but we were all just like the clumps. We're just burping.

No, it's I was thinking about that when we made this plan, where it was like, oh yeah, face to face conversation is very different than driving around and doing our normal kind of add whatever we see, we talk about cars.

Yeah, I wonder if we're going to be I can already tell we're grounded, our thoughts are going to be finished. Yeah, I'm looking at your body language, which helps me know when to finish a sentence.

It's hard to get those cues when you're looking out and scanning for danger in the car. Right.

I'm a little worried that because a lot of times the announcing of danger really bails us out from some snooze festival spirals or.

Just like blah blab. I mean, like, what are you even talking about.

I'm going to be honest with you audience, if I can call you that. A lot of times there's not even anything happening. We just say someone's cutting us off.

Yeah, yeah, that's our out edit point.

If you want to peak. But I've never felt.

So safe as you do right now.

And that's not a slide against your driving. It's just driving in general. You know, we all think about and terraces and all these things, but driving, we all casually just get into these boxes and go hundreds of miles an hour. We never think about it. And you and I bring strangers with us, nothing's ever gonna happen. I'm someone that I feel like if you talk about these things, you're taking them out of the universe.

That's right.

Negative people think you're putting them in the universe.

Yeah. Is the glass half full of bad ideas or half empty from bad ideas?

Well, I'm gonna need to see the glass.

Yes, and the picture that's pouring into it.

All I'm saying is I believe in your driving. Thank you, But we can't control the danger out there.

Ever.

We're currently in a safe, air tight, humidified room.

Yeah, with some lovely curtains and just a general velvet vibe.

Yeah, it's nice. And no giant black truck with two tires in the back or four total.

Can I just tell you it's going to be her into us. A car speaking of passed me on the left the other day where there was no lane for him to pass me in because I was in the far left lane. He was in the left turn lane, and when we both got the green to go, he gunned it and gassed it and then basically played chicken with the people across from him and then cut in

Yeah, there's a lot of people that think that space between those yellow lines is one long turn lane. Yeah, and it isn't until you're at the intersection. I've seen many accidents in that. Everyone just needs to go to driver's at again.

Yeah, and I think everyone, I just think it's hard right now. I think everyone's a little ratcheted up. I've had like the bad feeling of myself stomach for a couple of days where you're just kind of like everybody needs a break from just the constant drip of reality.

Yeah, but have you felt slightly hopeful in the last thirty six hours.

Oh my god, it's made a huge, incredible difference. I'm so hopeful and so kind of watching young people join it and do something with it. Understanding like this is a moment where you take political power and use it as opposed to I'm not getting my pick or I am getting my pick. It's like it's not that simple anymore, or it is overly simple. It's just like, yeah, I'm it's thrilling.

I didn't know. I was scared it first, and then immediately within thirty six out we're of course talking about Kamala Harris, and a lot of people say kamala Harris, and hopefully no one's saying kamala because that's my neighbor who used to drink a lot of vodka and orange uses.

It's kamala, And I look, yes, is that the first one?

I said?

I don't know, you just said a couple different ones.

I'm just adding umlots and little accents here and there because that's what the public does. I know exactly that it's kamala ua kamala, but a lot of people say kamala. I'm even on the news.

No, no, I know it's very common.

Yeah. Yeah, so that when I say it incorrectly, I'm simple. I'm just talking about those people. You know, I never miss speak.

You're kind of mimicking those people like their fools.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, and it's really tongue in cheek. But within thirty six hours to raise one hundred thousand.

Dollars, one million dollars, one hundred million, actually million dollars.

Yeah, one hundred thousand is nothing that sneeze at though, so I thought i'd start there.

It'd be great to get one hundred thousand dollars just randomly.

Well, it is great, it's not exciting. Wait, it's one hundred million. That's why I did that. See that's again a lot of people think it was one hundred thousand. I'm here to remind you it was one hundred million, and sixty two percent of those people have never donated on record, according to Ruders, Am I saying that right? Routers?

You know, I always read it, and I think it's like in my mind, I read it like Reuters, like I mispronounced it in my mind as I read it.

Yeah, it's hard not to. You know. The other day, by the way, I saw a lot of modern art at the broad Oh yeah, that's how it's spelled b r Oad.

But it's broad. Yeah, come on, that's just a personal preference thing. Then you know what I mean. Then you have to get the word out yourself. If you're going to spell it the way we all say that word, but you're going to pronounce it the way your family has just chosen to pronounce it.

I just wonder if more people would be there appreciating the pop art and and the Warhols. If it was br Od theod way, it sounds bread. Let's go to the bread. Anyway. I'm very excited and I almost I think I always thought it was strange over the last several years, we don't see much of Kamala Harris, and.

Now Kamala Kamala and.

It's Kamala is I'm never going to do it wrong again again. There's people on the new professional broadcast journalists.

That let's focus on their mistakes.

And the way they're seeping into my brain clearly, yes, truly, Yeah, I said it perfectly yesterday and the day before, and now that it's in the news, all these highlights of uh are being such a badass, and I've gotten very excited and I feel hopeful.

Is my thing same. It's very exciting, and it also feels like it's a plan that makes a ton of sense. And the idea that it was a little bit of a reveal that it was they were playing cards. They did it on purpose when they announced it is very strategic. How they did it, all that they let all the doubt kind of seep in, they let I mean, it's masterful. I think it's like, so that part of it is so exciting, where just she's the story.

Now, so almost on a conspiracy level, You think this was all planned?

Yes, yeah, I mean all positive way, in a positive way, and like all planned is like who knows? Was it a plan to have him do that debate and then actually like not, you know, not do well. I doubt it because I think that would be a hard thing for a lifelong politician to be like, oh, I couldn't do that. Like, but then what they were gonna do after that? I think it's really hard for most people

Yeah, and it was kind of an unprecedented I don't think there's been maybe one other Lyndon Johnson I think is who they said was the only president that didn't try for a second term.

I loved Lyndon Johnson. He's just so chill.

Tell me about the man, I've seem to have forgotten. I know it is headshot looks like because it was on the wall at school.

That's what I was going to start with. Slickback here yea. Because other than that, I think I know that he picked up his basset hounds by the ears, which I didn't like.

No, was that some Maybe he's just got bad training tips.

Or it's like something of like those are my hunting dogs and they like things this way or that I who knows, I truly know nothing about the man.

Yeah, I buy the ears and let them dangle. Yeah, I think that's why I didn't get a second term. That's horrifying.

I think that picture went out in Life magazine and that was it.

Well, if there was photo montage of how many times I've taken of dog's thin, cold ear and pressed it between my lips, people would think I was AWAREO.

But that's why you can't ever run.

I don't bite. I press. My teeth are under my lips tight like a anti wrinkle face that you make, and I bite. It's a dick of cats. I'll do it with cats too.

I actually do that with blossoms Ear's lot because her ears are very soft, and she hasn't shown me that she particularly loves it. I love it.

Yeah, I think it makes them uncomfortable because your face is there. But I don't think any pain has happened anything. It's like pinching someone's weness.

Is there no pain in that?

I don't think so. The weeness? Have you the skin on your elbow? Cris, you can.

Bite your tricky words?

It's the weeness.

I thought you meant penis.

I have a lot of kids would think that too, but I'm very childlike. Yeah, it the weeness is that flappy elbow skin. You can bite into it and until it bleeds. Yeah, and I've done that, of course, not with myself. We all know that it's impossible. Or maybe it's putting your elbow in your ear.

What other words do you know that sound like other anatomical words. There's the one that you always say for your fingers, uh, philangy flanges seems like it might be dirty and isn't right?

And I really overused the word flanges in my early comedy of Just and Less Mindless riffing.

And did you do that because you read that in a medical textbook somewhere and you were like I want to share this information.

I think my early stand up was sweaty. I had no memory after my first several sets, and it wasn't just the drinking. I would just talk about things, yeah, and got rewarded for it. But then I quickly realized I needed to start writing things down because people would always say, oh, you have the speaking cadence of Bob Newhart who just passed. And so I've been rewatching his

It was very CBS in the eighties. Yeah, swetters, Yeah, kind of like a nice hard joke after three minutes.

Yes, every three minutes, there's a there's a laugh on that banister, there's a kitchen, there's the main lobby, and very sad string music at the beginning. It's something akin to the mash theme, so you really know you're in for a night with older folks. They and but then to watch his stand up and and how perfectly timed one sided conversations where everything he said you then would have to assume what was on the other end of

Yeah, that was act guys.

It's the best.

There's also just if anybody is looking into Bob Newhart material, just to get the sense of this comic genius. He also had a TV show called The Bob Newhart Show in the seventies that was like what nineteen seventy five, nineteen seventy four, I think, And it was like Minnesota in the seventies, and he was a psychiatrist, and so it was him and Marshall Wallace I believe, who later would play the voice of Missus Kraboppol on The Simpsons,

That actors with the kind of scratchy voices Bob like, yeah, it.

Was the best show. It was super real, really funny that I think that one holds up.

I got to revisit it. I always assumed that he retired from whatever job and that sitcom and then bought in in Vermont.

Yeah, but did they suggest it was the same guy they basically in the last episode spoiler alert if you want to go watch New Heart, the series where they're in an inn, then don't listen to this end part that I'm about to tell you.

God, but what they did, and it was really epic at the time, back in the monoculture when literally we all watched the same show together. Was on the last episode of the most recent show, New Heart, where his wife was played by I can't remember somebody else, a blonde lady. Yeah, we all know what's the last episode as we're watching it, So the whole thing happens and it's like whatever, goodbye. I don't know what the actual

I forgot that that was the end. I remember that being an epic ending, and I knew what they were referring to, but I'd never seen the because every episode of The Psychiatrist one was about whoever he was, who was seeing him.

Uh No, it was almost like he's six.

Feet under when it opens with a death, and then it's about that.

There was much more about like him and his wife doing stuff at home and they didn't have kids, which was very like advanced for the time.

They slept in the same bed.

Same bed on TV. They really could cool high.

Rise show them the end of during the credits having sex. I always thought that I was really pushed Chris cutting Edge thinking, I know, I'm thinking of early stag films that I found in an attic.

I told you not to touch your linus.

This whole time, I've been pretending I didn't spill quite a large amount of coke on my crouch. Thank you.

There's like a lap has a cult.

She handed me a Klean egg. Oh, anyway, I felt I feel good the last few days.

Great. Yeah, there's a lot to feel good about. Yeah, there's just kind of like there's any kind of plan. It's almost like the idea that they did this reveal makes me go oh oh, there's all kinds of plans. Yeah and there. They didn't do them earlier because they have to wait until we get closed to November.

Yeah, and she's going to be speaking with hope and positivity and people are going to snap out of it.

I think, yeah, yeah, I think so it's going to be great.

So that's our hopeful. If you came to hear hope, you're going to get it in the ear right out of our mouths oh oh, we almost got cut off by another car. I know. I tend to do that.

It was just acting. I was making a joke about your acting.

Oh right, right, yeah. I went to a drive in movie theater with my family. My nieces and sister and brother in law came to visit and we all went to see Twisters at drive in.

Nice movie theater, the one down in like Torrance.

It was in Paramount, a town i've never heard of, no relation to the studio or camera manufacturer.

It's like south of the City of Industry.

It is near the city of City of Industry.

I've been of Commerce.

It was City of Commerce.

City of that. We're sang that yeah, okay, yeah, that's what.

I say in the song. Yes, in the.

Song oh but you all sang city of Commerce, I.

Do know the city of Compton in the song.

I thought when you said we all sang that that and I think Annalise agrees with me. We thought you meant we all sang that like that was the song.

Oh yeah, no you.

Met the family, Yeah past the sign and sang as a family.

I grew up listening to n WA and Easy So Easy does it okay the name of his album Get Out of My But it was very fun. But one thing I forgot, and technology hasn't caught up to it. You do have to periodically start your car otherwise the battery will get drained by running the radio. Yeah, it's still because they just have you tune into a radio station. And several people were starting their cars up and of

Yeah, it's we're not ready for driving movie theaters because it's out of our wheelhouse of knowledge.

The feverishly was searching for a radio on my phone to listen on my phone, we ended up listening to the neighbors. There's people that go there. It's a whole scene. Yeah. And they had speakers and they had tents. It was like tailgate party time. Yeah, and it was so fun and I think that won that location, which I don't know if it closed and reopened, but it's famous, like the let's go down to the lobby, yes song, and I think it's been in movies like Diner and things like that.

It was in Greece.

It was in Greece. That's the one in Greece.

It's the one where, yeah, they're all at the drive ins and I mean they're watching a movie, but then that plays in the background while I believe while she's singing. Is it hopelessly devoted to you that she sings when she's swinging on the swings or is at him?

Oh? I wish I had known that, my sister, But then the songs would have ensued. My sister was saying the songs, So how do you do not? I can't not. I would have joined her duet style. Yeah, some of the lyrics are a little risk. Gue I do leave out some of these sexual innuendo.

Good.

Yeah, thought they could get away with some stuff.

But now are you thinking of grease?

Too electric boogloo. No, I'm thinking of the original Grease. It's a great movie if you haven't seen. It's the only musical that I just can watch. And I'm admitting that. And Cats, of course.

What about Team America World Police.

It's been a while, it's been a while. That seems more like a parody.

Yeah, but it does have good songs.

It does, and everything I knew about Hamilton, I was like, I'm not gonna like that. Guess who liked it? Within five minutes. You me, the person who's talking about the thing they like.

It was easy to guess because you were the one talking.

Yeah, Yeah, I loved it.

I went and saw Hamilton, and when the part happened where the lyrics of the song are immigrants, we get the job done, and the entire audience yelled we get the job done along with the guy, I started crying and I couldn't stop crying.

Yeah.

I was just like, Yeah, what are we fucking doing? Why are we pretending immigrants are what we should be battling at the borders. When they built this fucking country, they are still maintaining order in this country. Like by that, I mean working in the restaurants as my old friend Danny Sebias used to say, every restaurant in la is a Mexican restaurant.

Yeah.

Like this idea that we need to get rid of people who are trying to come here is psychotic.

Yeah, everyone needs to watch a documentary yeah about it and then realize because people just don't know, I think, or they're pretending they don't know. But a lot of people that think that way aren't in cities. They're in these tiny towns wherever the diner still is their grandma.

I mean sometimes and then sometimes you grow up in those cities and you're the you and your family, or you have a little pot of people that are the you're staying blue amid a red surrounding. You know, it's not always the location. But it's interesting because more on Kamala Harris, they're saying that the percentages that they're seeing are reflecting all of the people. There are Republicans showing up, especially women that are like, yeah, this is what I want.

Yeah. I like to think about all the all the women that are just letting their husbands think, oh yeah, no, I'll vote for them again, and then they go off and vote yes. Yeah. It's I love that.

Some trickeries, yeah, or some blatant like I'm done with this, I'm done with it.

I hope there's a bunch of divorces because of it. Yeah. Yeah, Now try and live your life, you know what I mean?

Yeah, if you were.

I had a great day the other day where everything went my way.

Yeah.

I skateboarded well, I golfed well. Then I had two shows. It was a full day and everything went well. And then I thought, Okay, how do I make every day like this day? But that would it'd be like a groundhog day situation and it would be less special every day. But do you have a day that you would live over, like a day that you is in your memory. I was thinking about that on the way over here.

That was your best day, the best day ever?

Because the last one I had I was like twenty one. So they stick out to me.

They really well, and especially like kind of a series of winning, like you just won all day long. Yeah, and that's left well, yeah, that's the and the last victory. Yeah is that you slept well. I mean that's great, and yeah, it doesn't just buy its own nature. It doesn't happen, and it's not even something to aim for because then you're just going to always be disappointed.

Yeah, but I just got to wait and be surprised by them.

I feel like I had a lot of those days when I was like younger than twelve, like things were just like that was fun. Cool, Now I get to do this, I get a sandwich, Like everything had that vibe to it. Yeah, and then like junior high, it was all everything turned yeah, and then it was there were few and far between.

I just did think I remembered every day back then because I was experiencing seasons, and then every day here is seventy five, and so I thought it's flown by the last twenty years because of that. But I think just in general, when you're young, you remember all the things.

Yeah, you have been on the planet less time, so it's all shock. Every experience is new and shocking or new and like what is going on?

Yeah, No, nothing makes an impact. That's why I was glad to have that day the other day.

Yeah, that's great.

I felt like it again, what a fresh new day of human experiences.

I have to say I had a lot of those days. This is going to sound super weird, but I had a lot of days that felt like that in COVID, because I know COVID was so scary and weird and unprecedented that I was like, I guess I could snap at any time. I guess I could lose it or

And I thought I would be bummed out. That was my I'm like, uh oh, what if I go into this weird depression? And then I felt guilty because I was like, uh oh, I'm totally thriving emotionally. I knew bad things were happening, but I was like, oh, I enjoy my own company. That's a surprise.

Yeah right, that was a real discovery.

Good, And I'm trying to carry it over and not forget that.

It's important to know it, but it's good to not test it all the time the way we were forced to test it all the time.

Yeah, in the moment while it was happening, I kept telling people I was having a great time, and then I realized they probably had just lost a loved one or something. So I had to keep it to myself. Yeah, my secret little happiness. But enough time has passed that I could start bragging about it. Well.

And also when it's a secret happiness, isn't it even more fun because then you're just kind of like, well, I guess this is just then I just have to keep this to myself. Yeah, that's fun too. I don't know. I wish I could remember a day where it was like I mean, there was a day when I was like five and I went to the four each Halloween party and there's a big jar of candy. And I was definitely the youngest person at this party. It was

Wow, you won.

I did win.

I don't think I've ever won.

But I didn't technically win. Yeah, it was not like I assessed that thing and I'm like, well, if they're if there are fifty on one level anything like that. I was like I didn't even know what numbers meant.

Yeah. I always thought I could rain man it and look at a section of it and multiply it by the girth of the jar. And then I realized I didn't know any of that math, but I you just simply left out zero. So I appreciate that you had my back when I said one hundred thousand and I'm a hundred million, but that was three zeros.

The point is, please stop doing that voice.

It's terrible. It's I don't think I think it's like a bubble in my throat. It's certainly not an affect that I'm trying.

It sounds exactly like it aspen.

Like Madonna after being in in England for a few weeks.

You know, and she's like, we better get in the lift. Yeah, down and load up the boot. You know that Madonna monologue and on it she's so famous for talking about the lories.

The Madonna monologues were such a.

Popular show, oh the nineties.

I think people are mean to Madonna, and I I like her.

I was mean to Madonna once on the Internet, just purely on the in those days of toxic Twitter posting, because she performed at one of the Award Show and she just didn't wasn't dancing the way she used to dance, and so I made a joke of like Madonna is the new representative of Boniva, and I got piled on. They came for me hard on Twitter, where it was.

Like fuck you bitch, and I was like, yeah, whoops, you're right where it's like you're right, Like I was just trying to put up a joke, get a little be a comedian, get a little clout, yeah, you know, on her on her dime.

But actually I liked Madonna first. I was twelve years old when Fucking Lucky Star came out. It was a life changer.

And this is gonna sound like it was for masturbatory reasons, but my friend Andy loved Madonna so much that he had a closet, a walk in closet, and it was wallpapered with Madonna pictures. Now walk into his closet.

Sorry, he told you that was not for masturbatory reasons.

No, he. I don't think he would have been that open about showing it off. If he was like, hey, check this out, guess what I do in here? That was the last thing on his mind. Think that a lot of kids in my neighborhood didn't discover what was going on in their pants till our twenties.

That's a lot.

I really do, I really do. It was something about there was a lot to do outside. We had a lot of distractions. We were riding bikes. We didn't maybe it was now I'm.

Maybe it's just private, and you guys didn't discuss it.

Right, But if I had, like the Spiegel catalog that I had in my closet, when he came over, I'm like, hey, check this out. This is something I like. That was a secret, so everyone kept those things a secret, So.

He would have just kept those closet doors closed.

Yeah, we're off, you know, in the woods somewhere buried, right. He showed it to us. He really liked Madonna.

You were sexually attracted to camel colored Kashmir. Is that what you're telling me about the Spiegel catalog?

There is it If you don't remember this Spiegel catalog, A lot of it was far from real. And then halfway through the catalog you had to flip it over it so it was upside down. Yeah, and then the underpants, underpants, garments and anglas, oh, were the in the upside down part. They thought a child didn't know how to rotate something. One and that was safe enough. And it was not in my closet. It was in the living room closet like there was a I know that sounds strange. There

And how old were you?

Oh?

Very young?

Yeah, twelve, little kid eleven? Uh. But back to Andy's Madonna. It was a shrine and it was essentially just all those famous pictures. I mean she was everywhere.

Even when you moved his clothes, the wall was covered. It was an entire room. I'm just now remembering how meticulously he cut out and made wallpaper yectually it looked like I'm realizing now I'm describing something from a serial killer movie. Yeah he was, but he thought it was funny, Like, what have I had a Madonna obsession in my closet. I'm going to do it? Why do some of the wall? I got to do all the wall. Yeah, and I don't know how long he spent, how many libraries were missing?

Do you still talk to this person?

Yes, he's one of my best pals.

If you wouldn't mind, Colleena, just circle back. Well, it does have to be you know, that's we don't want to put him in the hot seat. If you could just get some details from him, you know, here's how I remember it. Could you tell me what your motivations were, right, Yeah, I'd be interested.

Yeah, I think I think it is time for us to confront our childhood friends about what they had on the wall. And you can start with my Kathy Ireland sitting near a Ferrari poster. What was I thinking?

Well that you were just thinking what you're being told to think.

Yeah, I didn't even notice it. I just like, this is what boys are supposed to like.

But really, you know, I was you were more into the Speakhel catalog. Yeah, a nice gift, a box that's shaped like a pair with a lock on it.

I don't remember the hard goods.

Ironic, Yeah it is iron.

Yeah, I forgot that they even had furniture and stuff. But those were the days, such a simple time. Now children have a computer in their pants and they can watch whatever they want.

Horrifying.

Isn't that horrifying?

I don't know if it's ideal.

That's for sure. Yes, I'm not someone that says thing used to be better. I don't think that is the case in a lot of ways. The innocence though, because we didn't have access to all those things, and I sat around and drew pictures if I wanted to think up something, Yeah, because the VCR for it to work, we had just stuff of packing peanut in it. Like, there was so many things that didn't bring me entertainment

I'd be interesting to know. But I bet I wonder, like you're saying, the screens have replaced that imagination piece.

I think so, I.

Don't know, because I think I think like Sesame Street and those kinds of the children's programming are trying to fight the good fight in that way of at least using that screen time to be like your imagination.

Yeah, you know what, I'm wrong, because little kids now are super good.

At acting and they're super good at life, and they were DJs and stuff.

Yeah, they're good at everything.

They really get out of the way.

Old people. Just me talking right now? A child should replace me? Am, I actually think, what's this eighteen and up voting thing? Children? What have children voted?

What a really?

What a relief?

A child takeover of this country would be fucking amazing.

Yeah, there's that Lord of the Rings thing. They're sure a couple of them might kill each other because they don't develop, you know, certain things.

But the children.

Yeah, isn't that what Lord of the Rings is about? If you let the kids team up?

Do you mean the hobbits? They're just nerves?

Am I confusing Lord of the Rings with Lord of the Flies?

Yes you are? Oh wow?

Did I say Lord of the Rings?

Yes you did.

Have I been this whole recording having a stroke A little bit explains the voice thing. Oh yeah, excuse me, I just swallowed a mattress spring. Even things like that, Half the listeners will be like mattresses used to have springs. How old? A lot of people when I meet them at after comedy shows, they are shocked to find them not seventy.

Because of the way you talk.

Because of my voice and the things I say. I guess I always thought I was young and cool.

I mean, that's why you skateboard, is because you're trying to get that kind of brand out there.

F I know, I'm trying to skate the grandpa out of me.

Yeah, but he's here to stay.

Oh oh, there's more shout of stains on my trousers.

Crimpa polease don't okay, we could put that in a glass, all right.

Oh you know how I enjoy the slight taste of aluminum with all my beverages. It's how we won the war.

It is weird to not be driving and be having this conversation.

Getting used to it.

Well, we just don't talk about anything. It makes me feel like we should be pulling, like newspaper headlines out of a hat or something.

I was nervous and so I did write down some topics.

Give them to me. Do you have them on a piece of paper? Give them to me.

They aren't in front of me. I don't know where I put them.

You know that old thing of like exchange set lists.

It's the funnest theme to a comedy show ever. When you are allowed to do in honor of a friend where you have seen them so much like the Austin scene when I was younger, which I've been thinking about because I just opened for this comic Casey Rocket, last night and the night before at the Improv, and he's from Austin. He's the young new he's part of that new scene there, and I've just been thinking about the early days and how there was just like forty comics

Think because just like you were saying earlier, when you're little and time seems to pass slower or whatever, when you first start comedy, you have wanted to do it for so long and it's finally happening. For me, it was like peak experiences where it just be like I would be there and I would be like, I have to go up in four? What am I following? What's this like? And it would just be like, how are

But it's like you have to absorb that because you need to know how to do it.

Yeah, there was an improv in San Francisco.

Yeah, rightly right downtown Mason and Geary Mason and I know that streets. Yeah yeah, And it was cool because the box office was on the sidewalk, but then you it was a staircase down. Oh wow, and you were in the basement.

That's cool.

Yeah, yeah, I used to win.

I moved to Austin Howard Kramer and Chip Pope where the guys that went to LA and they were riding on shows and everyone talked about them. I just moved there after they had left. So when they came back, I would watch them with that kind of excitement, like just trying to soak it in. Yeah, and I Kramer would be weirded out by how many of his jokes back then that I have memorized.

He doesn't like a lot of things.

He would be weirded out. Yeah, I would not do them in front of him. He'd be like, oh, you left out a lot of stuff you did like a bestardized version. It didn't even make sense. But I know, I know what he used to say very much.

But wait, how did he find out that you knew all his jokes? So you just told him?

No, I don't think he does know.

He's finding out right now.

There are times where I'm like, do you ever do this joke? And he has like hardly any memory of it, and I'll reside it and he's.

Like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

He used to do country songs, his early rapping, all that stuff.

Yeah.

And I so honored that he had me be his backup dancer, so much so that one time I broke my arm dancing for him, and I didn't say anything because I didn't it was so much pain. It hurt for months, and I didn't think I'm like, if it was broken, my arm would be croaking.

It was like a.

Green stick for hairline fracture. Oh and I didn't tell him til years later. Remember when I did the diving worm off that stool, I broke my arm because I didn't I did the diving worm. It used to be my comedic move. If I couldn't even think of a joke, I'd start break dancing. It's just so funny because now I just stand horrified by the mic stand. I don't use the stage.

Let's go back to those old options.

I gotta work the space. But I did the worm and my legs hit a wall. Ooh and so it kind of stopped my momentum and it hurt my arm. Yeah, and at my sister's wedding reception, I did the same thing, but instead of a wall, I kicked my grandpa in the chest doing the diving worm. He already we already worked close. Oh no, but I do remember. That's one of my last memories in the room with my living grandpa, that I kicked him in the chest.

Hey, if you can't handle the break circle, then back the fuck up.

Yeah, why are you doing top rock like you're gonna dive in and windmill.

Back it up, Grandpa.

Yeah, where's your moves? You're just doing the robot if you can call it that.

He was just doing that arms crossover dance over and over.

The judgment sway, he really didn't take off in the streets. Oh that's funny. I forgot I kicked kicked girl right in the chest.

So Howard is just learning right now that you had his entire act memorize than that you used to act it out in your basement dressed up as him.

Oh well, I mean.

And then he also is learning now or he learned then that you broke your arm.

Think of this Madonna closet and replace all the pictures with Howard Kramer. That's basically. He has no idea that I was emulating him.

And he comes over one time and you forget and you just go out for a second.

That's the thing. There was no effort put into it at all. I just realized today that I still know so many of his jokes, Matt Bearden's jokes, all these comics I started with. I know so many of their jokes, and it's so fun. I would love to do a show like that today, except I don't know that I know enough other comics material.

Right, Oh did you do a switcher room?

They did one time at meltdown, where you would watch someone's act and they would watch yours, and then they tried to remember as much as possible. Guy brandam and I had did it. That's so funny and it was fun, but it was stressful and I had fun. It was fun, but it wasn't the same thing. It was like an interpretation because they had just seen it wouldn't have been

But that's okay, as he did your act.

Yeah, yeah, here's the flaws in this. I'm like, you do make valid points, but my feelings are bigger. And who knows. Maybe I did the same, Maybe I did this same.

Maybe did you go before him or after him?

I do not recall.

Yeah, I think that was this sounds like vengeance to me what he was doing.

Maybe.

Yeah, you're right, you had fun. You thought it was light and arian breezy. He didn't agree, and he's like, oh, Oh you want to go there, Let's do this.

Thing that I got big laughs.

Well, yeah, we never do. No. When our fellow comedians kill, it's always an insult to.

Us, right, you're right, we take it personally.

Yeah, well, it just means you're a last man. So either you get up there and beat them or you Why don't you just quit?

I hope you're listening, audience. We'd never It's because we're in a traditional setting right now, and I am getting used to it. But when have I called the people listening audience?

I know you're turning into this deep voiced weirdo that I don't know.

Right, it's pretty great because you're not used to looking up my face.

I know.

I've just become the guy with suspenders whose name I can't.

Remember, King, Johnny apple Seed something, King, Alan King, Kong.

He was friends with Sharon Stone, Larry King, Werry King, thank you another person friends. He was friends with Sharon's Stone.

That's how I got it.

You knew that though friendship.

I was back on the suspenders Ellen and.

W Bush at a baseball game. They were hanging out.

Really, Yeah, we've lost Larry King, right he passed.

Yeah, we can find him. He's in a graveyard. No one wrote down the address. That's right after a few years past.

I'm like, light of your death, Larry would want it. That's what he was like.

If he is right now here, right now here, I grab his suspenders and snap him back.

Snap the hell off of them. Sorry. Also, he would just be like. It would be like, Larry, are you offended? Do you want us to get these guys to pull that off their podcast? You'd be like, nah, I don't care.

Yeah, caller Philadelphia, you're on the air.

What if he had an open casket and you went up to Larry King to pay your respects and that's when you snapped his suspenders.

You would get your ass hauled out of that.

Yeah. He's always surrounded by huge Yeah. I don't mean to speak ill of the man. He just never spoke to me.

But I thought, Larry King.

Yeah, it just wasn't my guy.

Oh oh he didn't.

You know, I got my guys.

I thought you you do. He's not in your Costco Morning posse. But I thought you meant like he didn't speak to you because you worked together and he was rude as opposed to he wasn't your taste.

Yeah, I didn't think I would ever have access to him until you know, Henry Phillips was on his like radio studio like whatever iteration.

Of his show he had later and that that's amazing.

Yeah, and it was. It's fun to watch.

And sorry it was video. It was like a TV show.

Yeah, yeah, that's cool tubable and Henry's great on it.

I bet he is.

Yeah, Henry should be famous.

Sure, may you know what, maybe he didn't want to be.

I mean, I love he really had the option though, Yeah, I think.

He might still he could absolutely still Yeah.

Yeah, his you and your goddamn coffee or whatever, that fucking coffee. You and your fucking coffee is one of the funniest things because I absolutely am that person that is too much a big cup of too much coffee, like sloshing around everywhere. Yeah, so funny.

And I brought a giant coffee last time I voted. One of those episodes is him pouring into the voting machine and fucking up the election. Yeah, you have to watch these videos.

Audience, audience, audience, we're speaking with you.

And it's I related to it so much, just even on the level every time my mom drove me to school when I was a kid, she would hand me a traditional mug of hot coffee filled to the brim. Because they didn't make car mugs back then. We looked at catalogs for booners and my moms had ceramic mugs with no lids and it's spilled all over me. I had so many coffee burns always we had.

You know, it's fascinating. And this was like one of those childhood things where because because I was new to the world, it's fast. It was like the coolest thing of all time. And Benedetti was the woman who drove our carpool in the morning. Was the Benedetti's were the family we drove carpool with. I like that name Benedetti, isn't it great? Benedetti They run the Clover Store Netta Creamery in Petaluma, which is now like you get that milk at Whole Foods. Oh okay, wow, I know it's cool.

You know, hear a lot of dairy success stories anymore.

Oh I got one for you, and it's pedalum all the way. Baby.

There was Dale's Dairy in my town, and I was very sad one day when they didn't have the dairy anymore. They had to buy a video store, right when renting videos wasn't popular anymore. Oh no, And I went in there. I'm like, how do I know you guys, And they're like, well, we used to have Dale's Dairy, and I'm like, oh, I went on so many field trips there and got to milk cows and ye work, the work, the utters and right.

In a row, two gross things in a row. That's really good.

You wouldn't have even noticed if you weren't looking at my face. And they were really bummed out, and I'm like, oh man, I'm sorry, I'm sorry that you lost your dairy. And they would deliver the milk to your doorstep like a milkman. I am old, Yes, I had a milkman.

But my story was Anne Benedetti always had a full cup of coffee in the morning when she would drive, so she steered with one hand and held her coffee in the other and never spilled and it was never an issue. And I used to watch it. I was like hypnotized by it because her handling literally like nine kids in their station wagon kkar because it was the early days, just really slick handling, that coffee and that steering. I was just always every morning impressed.

That's why the that's why the Feds use that car. That's right, Yeah, yeah, your tall hot cuppa steak out coffee. Was it a Renault?

I think it's a Chrysler CA car or a Dodge Oh yeah it Chrysler. Yeah, taus.

Now there's an American car that has exactly what you've been looking for. I'm reading another ad here what you've been looking for. I still have. It's still is that something? That's something I'll do at the new studio if there's a green screen. I've been wanting to In that video as they sing the Taurus song and it shows different types of warm blooded Americans turning the camera and smiling. Yeah, I want to be all those people, construction workers, a

Can I make a picture?

Early fans would love it?

Yes, what if you're standing in a closet lined with pictures of Madonna and you turn around, that's one of the people your friend Andy, just get.

That would be It would just be for people to do that, right, you would appreciate it.

It's called an easter egg. Get with it. It's called an easter egg here in twenty twenty four. And what it's going to do is going to create some sort of an online buzz. Wait, who's this person that's not from the commercial? Why is he in a closet of Madonna pictures? Where does that closet lead? Et cetera? Right? And then there's then there becomes like a Reddit conversation about what's that one shot that's really weird?

Right?

And then get you get the online buzz going that way.

You're right, Yeah, you're right. It needs an obscury easter.

Egg kind of an that's unnerving and like, wait a second, how is that guy let into this commercial? That's fun?

Did we talk about how? Because it was something he brought up a lot Conan and still is Ford Taurus from that era. It was like a green Tourist that he had in college. He still had it throughout the entire time he had that talk show. And I wanted to sing the tourist song and have the car parked in the studio in lieu of doing stand up, and now that I'm saying it out loud, of course they said no to that. I thought it'd be a good follow up after doing stand up. I'm like, I don't

I think that died at JP's desk.

So yeah, that's that's too bad that that never happened.

Well, some say surprise, Some say that.

I really could have nailed it.

I believe that for sure.

But yes, that's more something for a celebrity to do.

I realized or like the concept. It's like, if you could figure out a way to get way more people to understand and that this is a commercial for car from nineteen eighty six or whatever. So that they understood the context.

Yeah, I think I was pitching it. You're finally selling this car you've had forever. I would like to do the theme song based on the nineteen.

Ninety one jingle Is it ninety one.

To sell your Ford Taurus.

I here's how I would have pitched it. Okay, you bought this car, you were a big fan. Is this the reason? Roll the commercial? Now the whole audience has seen that commercial. We cut it down to forty five seconds, so it's not some big long thing.

Right.

Then you do your regular whatever set panel. I don't know what you're doing. Yeah, when it's over, say it's just almost like off the top of your head, thanks so much for being here. And then you just lean back, point at him and say, now there's an American car.

You just perfected it.

Thank you.

That's why you've worked for so long in that industry.

I think a lot of times the idea doesn't have to be good. If I just say, like, this is what you're doing, then you get that feeling of like that.

And I don't want to fail and disappoint you.

Well, you're going too.

Yes, I can't believe I thought I could just do it. And out unprovoked.

The people have to know. The average person has to know what you're talking about. That's the key to comedy.

I all this time I've been doing stand up, and I didn't know what the key was until today.

Today. I should have told you long ago. I'm so sorry. That's why I'm such an incredibly successful standard to tours and travels, all at clubs and time is all over this country.

I don't want to exhaust myself by saying I think you should do it again, but I.

Will again, I know, and I'm sorry because I feel like I invite that conversation to have people. It's almost like, I mean, many compliment me and then I just never do it. But it's like I just am tired all the time.

You know, I get it, you're busy.

Yeah, and also Tommy starting comedy back up again. I think I've said this a thousand times, but it's like it truly feels like having to jump twenty feet in the air. It's just like, oh, I'm so out of practice.

Well, I haven't been advertising it, but I've been taking pretty long break from it periodic, like I'll go up occasionally, but not the three or four times a week I usually do it, and last night it was so much fun that I'm.

Like, Okay, where did you do it at?

At the improv just on a.

Good night, two sets at the Impress.

For this casey rocket kid that got famous online, and you're doing it again. I'm just having some bubbles.

Okay, it's not.

A character flaw.

Well, I disagree.

That that was I said that weird. I went down a real Kamala wormhole with that. I know I was the example of me saying it wrong again. I like, I've liked to have something compared to the perfect version.

Got it?

My neighbor can't still.

That's her name, Kamala.

My neighbor was named Kamla, spelled the same. No, So that's the origin of me.

Are you being serious? Yes, you had a neighbor, a neighbor named Kamala across the.

Street, neighbor Kamla. And she would come over to visit my mom and she'd be drinking and I could hear the ice cubes in her Hell yeah, in her vodka orange juice. Is that something that's a screwdriver? A screwdriver? She'd have a screwdriver in her hand every day. Oh you betcha long and misty, Yeah, and slim, long, misty and slim. She would come over and I thought she was a pure delight. Yeah. She was my mom's other friends.

They were rock they were Elizabeth Warren.

They were a little strange and uh, but Kamala would come over and like flirt with the husband openly, and but she was She'd like look at me and wink like, this is all a joke, and I knew. And I was a little kid that's like, oh, I have this inside joke with this adult, and the adults she was joking with didn't know what was happening. Yeah, she was an early comedic influence. Kambla. But that's what's in my head. That's why I keep messing up the name.

That's such a crazy coincidence. Yeah, that's that's insane.

Spelled the same. She was a nurse. I always thought it was strange she was a nurse that smoked and drink a lot.

Wow, that's because nurses see some shit.

Yeah, they don't have to take their work home with them.

They do have to deal with doctors though all the time.

Right, that's going to make you want to hit a pack.

Did you ever watch Nurse Jackie the Like, didn't it?

But I I've seen clips of it lately, and I feel like I should have watched it.

You should. It's really incredible.

I didn't even know it was a comedy. I don't know why I think it was, because it's like, I haven't even watched the Sopranos. How can I watch the other vehicle with.

Name wine? Please? His neck just stretched ord me so long? Yeah, eaty Falcon.

EATI Falco. God, that's a cool name. Sounds like a weather person.

I think you and I have to make a promise to each other that we're not going to ingest like milk products or carbonated products. I've been burping this whole.

Episode, I know, and I do a version where I just light it affect my speech. You do a thing that I take a page from Jessica Simpson's singing, where you back up, you back from the mic to burp like she used to do. She'd get vibrato by going like that, Yeah, you just got.

That's because George and I do it so much that it is like a weird practice that I didn't realize, but I could. I could do something about it. And I'm choosing not to.

This is just foreign to me. You're always on the cans, in the in the stew well.

I think we've been doing it for like a month. I think we've done it. It just started for us.

But you've never done my favorite murder in a car. You're always looking at each other's faces.

Yes, we've been forced to stare right down the barrel.

Is podcast different that you're looking at my face all of a sudden for the.

First time, Yes, yeah it is.

But it's been fun.

I'm fine with it.

Seems like we're making more of a connection.

It does.

Yeah, okay, great, Yeah, I can't believe you disagree.

No, I agree entirely. Here's my thing. We'll tell your voice. Here's my thing. Is I feel like what I'm used to doing and the like doing it in the car, and the way the flow of car conversation is entirely fucking different. Even though I know we've said this already, Yes, yes, it's distractingly different to me. So I feel a little bit panicked. I'm like, what am I going to say? And then it's like it doesn't matter, We're going to get it done.

Yeah. I was nervous, And then I'm like, why this is so much safer?

Right?

Yeah.

Also, it's like so cozy in here.

It's nice.

I really like it.

You guys. I know it's hot where you are right now, but it might be hotter here. I don't know. I can't speak for where you are because you're all these different people in different cities.

Yes, you're not a monolith. You're having all different experiences.

Oh, I went to you know, the beach from two thousand and one A Space Odyssey.

I've seen that movie, but I can't the beach.

You can just go to the beach. It's Point Doom.

Oh where they shot at?

Yeah?

What happened at the beach?

My sister like, this is from two thousand and one A Space Odyssey?

Was it when he was in that bed.

And there's the monolith and all the primates are freaking out and hitting it?

Oh that they shot that at the beach? Yeah, Oh, I thought that was I assumed it was somewhere inland, like I know, Death Valley type of place.

No, it's amazing all these movies. If you want, that's an old movie, you're going to find out half the things are around the corner from your house.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, yeah, it's amazing.

It's fun to experience, it's fun to learn.

It is fun to learn. Like, I didn't know how much I like Richard Simmons until he passed, and now I'm watching all this Richard. He was a damned delight and I'm sorry I didn't praise him more.

I know he's funny, he was hilarious. He was hilarious, and he was the idea that he started just discovered him.

No, I'm not kidding. I just wasn't paying attention to Richard's sides, like you.

Were too young when he actually because he truly made his debut when I was like ten years old, watching TV all the time. Yeah, and he was on everything, but he really was trying to help people lose weight, like like the Deal, Emial cards and all. He had all these programs and it's like let's all stick together and we can do it. And it was so positive and which of course nothing was ever like that of like you can do it and we love you kind of thing.

Yeah, i'd seen him, of course, is performative Richard Simmons. I've been watching videos of him, like in a line outside of a thing that they just shot and him talking to people and connecting on a human level. I'm like, oh, this is like the sweetest person ever.

I just told this story on my favorite murder. But I can tell it again and then we can cut it out if you want to.

No, I'd like to leave it in crossovers. What everyone wants.

Well, that's really true, but let's see how.

Let's hear the story first. But he was on the talk show that I used to work on, and backstage and he had already gone on I think, no, he was shooting something for the actual show. We hadn't started yet, and I was running around doing the things I had to do. And most of the time you never saw the celebrities until they were being walked to stage, and you didn't interact with them because you're just trying to leave people alone. And so that was kind of the approach.

But it was we don't have time for you to connect with every single with.

Every single person. But the idea that it was that kind of kind of like the sweetest It was a passing compliment from Richard Simmons right in the sweetest, cutest way where I was just like, oh my god, that's going to float me for four months.

Yeah. That was the other thing. I realized, what you know, when anyone passes, people have to post the picture their connection with him in some way. But everyone's picture it's him doing like touching their face, touching their chest, intertwining with them in some way for a photo. And I always thought, wow, if someone asked for a photo with him, he'll really give it one hundred percent. No, he was instigating it. He was going up and saying, let's take

That was mine, purely. He never he called everybody snow white.

No, but you know, way it was the fact that you wore that baby blue dress that day.

I always had a bird on my finger. Yeah. He used to do aerobics classes in Central I believe it was Century City where you could go in and watch him leading the class in like the late seventies, early eighties. I believe there was like you know, he was the one there in the studio like teaching the aerobics classes.

Wow. Yeah, after already being famous.

I mean I think it added to how famous he got, Like it was his true beginning was like actually being the guy in the studio that made eighty people come to one aerobics class because it was like so everyone loved it. So much and felt so good. And I think I could be wrong, but I'm almost positive he had a restaurant called Rouffage that was like a slid restaurant.

That's so funny.

At least you mind looking that up, because I think there's a hilarious picture of him standing on a table in the middle of Roffage. If I might have the name of it wrong, but it's something hilarious like that, because I used to have that picture on my desktop with him because he's like da da but it's like a lovely white tablecloth dining room type of place.

Wow, it's so weird that I wait, I don't think it's bad because it's honoring their memory. But I was not a fan until after death with him, and also Anthony Jordaane ordained, I didn't know much. I'm like, it seems like he'd be grumpy or something, and then when he died I got so into everything. Yeah, he ever did, and I'm like, oh, I'm such a fan.

The TV's not on so I couldn't throw up the picture, but I just texted you, Karen, if you want it.

Oh, that's so funny. So yeah that I'm extending it because I want everyone to discover for the first time Bob Newhart's audio stand up.

You've got quite a recommendations list going around.

Yeah, people that are gone.

I know. Well that's the thing though. There it is. It was called rouffage. I look at this shit. It's I hope we can clear this picture to show people because it truly is of Oh shit, its four hundred and ninety nine. We're not clearing that. I'm not paying for that.

Oh just for take a little screenshot.

Oh wow, look at the sign in the background.

That's the fanciest place ever.

And he's in a black leotard on the thing being like, come on everybody, and it was probably it's so does it say the year?

I bet it was last table Richard Simmons is barefoot, yeah, and dance and one woman's actually eating and it is salads and his feet he is like a guy, get used to my feet next to your plate. I think now they're posing. That's such they must be shot.

And also the idea that you would name your kind of like salad spot rouffage is the funniest thing of all time. That is really brilliant. Also that font, I want that font.

It is the funniest name for a restaurant because when you anyone has ever said roughage, it's in a very regular meadow musol type medical way. Yeah yeah, And to call it that, it's like maybe everyone's like, oh, like the thing you eat, so when you're in the bathroom, you know.

Yeah, why not?

Why not? That sounds delicious?

It's called having vision, you know. It's like he had he was funny and knew his brand from nineteen seventy nine on. He was he was doing it. And also I just feel like those those kind of people that like then it makes me think of the Arrested Development episode he's in where he's doing the Cornballer commercial with George Seniors and he's like supposed to be the assistant in the Cornballer like infomercial and he's just playing along and there they start screaming and fighting or whatever. But

Yeah.

But then he also he's like, fine, I'll play that. I just need to get this message out, yeah, which is like love yourself and we can do it, which is beautiful.

This was a good episode.

Was this was solid.

Yeah, it's uh. You've been listening to one of our first full eye contact the whole time episodes.

Yeah, unbroken. I have tears streaming down my face because my eyes are so dry.

We've both been crying this whole time.

You know what'd be amazing is that, right now, if that security guard drove through this room. Our the security guard we've spotted on two separate on two separate episodes, Well.

That security guard, that guy. Yeah, I was still in the area.

Hey man, oh, I can't.

Believe we were questioning his intentions, but really we were stalking him.

Yeah.

He had to be like that was the same person from yesterday.

I would love that or he could. He was like, they're on to me.

Yeah, I think we're probably waiting. Yeah yeah, maybe come on, he took a two week course. Why were you parked across the street.

I just like, if you're parked here and you see children playing over here, move it along.

Yeah, because get home. Save it for the Spiegel catalog, Young horn dog?

No?

What oh the calian now a kids section you've been listening to Do you need a ride?

D y n e are?

This has been an exactly right.

Production produced by Analise Nelson, mixed by Edson Choi. Our talent booker is Patrick Coottner.

Theme song by Karen Kilgarrett.

Artwork by Chris Fairbanks. Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's d y n ar Podcast.

For more information, go to exactly rightmedia dot com.

Thank you, Oh, You're welcome.