S4 - Ep. 48 - Ever Mainard

Are you leaving? I you wanta way back home? Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminal and gay, we.

Want to send you off in style.

We wanna welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it. Re scared her? Was it fine? Malcorn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do your need you ride?

Ride with Karen and Chris? Welcome to Do you need to ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

And this is karenkl Gariff.

I love the brevity on that one.

Yeah, let's just get to it. I'm excited about today's guest, That's why.

And yes, normally we drive around and chit chat.

But if you want a solo episode, go somewhere else, because we already have an amazing guest. You know them from clubs and colleges throughout the country. Put your ears together forever, Maynard.

Wow, thank you guys so much. What a very kind intro.

Oh sure, sure that was one of my better ones energy wise.

I thought it was great. Yeah, you guys all know me from clubs around the country. Just headlining here, there, and everywhere. I love colleges.

That was the last college you played ever.

Honestly, you see Riverside and they were so sweet, but they booked us like a group of like it was like Daniel Perez, Madison Shepherd and me and young Jibuki was there at the same time, and he, of course was playing the auditorium and we were outside in this thing called the barn and it was a stage in front of the cafeteria. Oh, and there was an administration mixer happening for the college administration and also investors and now just like three comics, like, what the fuck is this?

Did you kill that one? I mean, did the investors buy?

The investors bought, bought, bought exactly quarter you I sold them. I did text. I was like, you know, money's tight, and I said, hey, listen, you guys need me to perform in your garage again and did not Did I get I can?

I can just see myself uh mentioning that it was called the barn or making barn references way too much till they're like, yeah, we get it.

It's called the barn.

Yeah, okay, ha ha, yeah, yeah, well you shouldn't have called it the barn.

Yeah you didn't.

Everybody's gonna mention it.

There's so many ways you could go with that. I did a I.

Can't remember where I was, Upstate New York maybe, And I did a private It's gorgeous.

You got great cemetery.

It's beautiful, such a next stage, and people only think of the city. They never think of or the many, many, many layers of past disease humans, so many they It was like a private Catholic school.

I didn't know it was Catholic.

And they had a pub, a Irish themed pub, and the kids were ordering drinks and drinking the ones that were above twenty one, and in the front row was a full decked out nun holding a bible to watch the comedy show.

Uh.

And I couldn't stop.

Saying things that none shouldn't hear to the nun out of nervousness.

It was like I do the same thing.

I couldn't ignore her.

Like, hey, maybe what's under that habit? How could you not? How could you not? Also?

What kind of producer of that student show or whatever show? Sorry it could have been regular, but what kind of producer is like, yeah.

Let's get the nun in front.

This will be great.

This was something where you know, there's like a conference and I wasn't invited, but there's certain.

Schools that will say, yeah we'll take that one.

Yeah, yes, based on his naka.

His premium blend or whatever it was NACA related. Yes, And this was just a school that said, oh, go to this event. And then someone else said, everyone's going to be in the pub anyway, drinking away their sorrows with the nuns.

Let's just have the comedian there. What could go wrong?

So no one was like, hey, we're excited to have you. It was just like this week blank. Yeah, it was just.

I can I tell you guys a story about a dead friend and that'd be great. Okay, yeah, in a similar thing.

Yeah.

So this was a couple of years, like I think must have been twenty fourteen, almost ten years ago. And do you all love the Putterboss sisters, But yes, I love them.

Yeah.

A friend of ours had passed and we were all at their house like a bunch of comics with their mourning and I was dating at the time, this electronic musician if you could believe it, tiny bangs. That is shocking, shocking. So everyone's crying, we're mourning, and I was like, hey, this is what this is going to be, you know, do you want to come with me? And she's like, of course, I'm so supportive. Okay, we get there. We're all recollecting and sharing stories, and suddenly she goes, I

Now, don't you leave me?

Tiny panks. Why she's so creative? You don't get it.

She's so creative that she is making being a narcissist fun at a funeral at.

A way, guys, you don't get it. She translates pain into art. But it's all her pain, all her art.

Everything's about her, So.

Damn you and long you know, wait, and when she said I'm getting a download.

Oh, she meant from U Spirit or angels.

Or I thought it was like we transfer.

I'm getting a download. Your wife. Yeah, she actually just had to take as ship.

That's her way of saying, guys, I take ship does have any jazz?

Oh got me a snort?

Really specific?

You know, I don't know if we're driving anywhere, and we never really said where we were going.

But if you know about like a drive through where we can get like coffee or a beverage.

Would love a bevy great? You know what would be so great? If there was a sonic around here? Should be?

I have never I've seen sonic commercials in every state I've ever been in, and then it's a state that never has a sonic.

They advertise I.

Think the only place. Look what happened here?

That person took a left from the not left turn?

Yes?

Yes, oh you know that's my fifth least favorite crime.

Jesus Christ.

So distracted? There's one seven miles away? Is that too far? I don't think so great?

There is a Sonic America's drive in here.

This is going to be fun.

I thought I had to go to North or South Carolina or Texas.

The best ice.

You're getting ever, you're doing one of your diets again, I'm gonna get so mad at you.

I'm not thirsty. I just got Kenneth.

Elbow, your friend died. Let me color. Just think about me in the other room as I blast jazz. I pretended like it was a normal thing to do, and that's what all artists did. It's like, this is like the first artist I've ever been with, and I'm from rural Texas. You know, I don't know these big city artists. And tell you what tiny bangs are on the No No list?

Yeah, I bet you see those in it.

Then you start kind of crying like it's the grief you weren't allowed to express.

It comes back.

Sorry, everyone, this is from an old wake.

Sorry, this one is from a wake gone wrong. They still the powder Balls will still reference this and make fun of this. Well they should. What a nice stay. It is really beautiful.

It's the best.

We already described the day and a very high octane solo episode we did before this. We went weather Day Outfits, Yeah, describing visuals incredible podcast, Yeah, and then we talked about traffic.

I took a nap for an hour. Should have had me on that podcast episode nap.

It's I and I have felt shame about my naps, uh, my whole life. And it's there's nothing wrong with the self care of wanting to get that eight hours.

Nothing wrong you take eight hour naps. That's insane. Press dude, are you okay?

It's all math to me.

If I sleep five, I'll later have a three hour nap, it all amounts to eight hours.

Okay. Wow, Yeah, you're not on a linear plane then, are you.

No, I'm another dimension many Charles Manson impression.

Spot On about to say, hey, do you believe in Charles? Really? No, I was gonna ask if you if you do believe in in different planes of.

Living?

And really quick, can lease figure out what's rattling? I'm going fucking insane?

Yeah? Can let's get rid of that? Yeah, on the street, it's Pasadena, they'll look get at that car.

I'm gonna please, I'm going to drink it.

While answering every question in true ventriloquist styles, the answer is.

I always joke. How those guys do that?

I'm loving every single side tax spaw watch the clock time back there. Yeah, lak Pasadena's about the basics.

Yeah, you have to name your business, what you sell.

He legally you have to look at this man having the time of his life. Oh oh yeah, what's up, little red porch? That was the rock? That was actually the rock in real life. You wouldn't. But he's five five, but that just taught meat on his bones.

He's five to five, up and down and left to right. He's a cube of a cube.

If you live in Iowa, you'll never see him. So don't even look up this fat. Yeah, you don't need to You don't need to know this. Fly over steak fuck you. Fly over State.

Wait wait, hey, that's kind of our bread and butter.

Southeast.

I ain't anywhere that isn't an airport hub for Delta.

I have to fly into like someplace in Kentucky, and I'm taking Allegiant Air.

This it's inexpensive and it's great. It's bare bones. There isn't even a magazine rack in front of it.

But get ready to record a video of bad behavior. Oh really?

Oh yeah, I'm so excited. Yeah, it's a nine am flight.

It is one of the only airlines where I do pay for trip insurance and things like that. Okay, and do know that you will pay extra for carry on.

I have all that stuff. You gotta click at that, and.

I'm just or ticket.

Yeah, I'm very familiar because the Llegiant.

One of their first flights was a NonStop from Los Angeles to Missoula, my hometown, very randomly, and and I'm very familiar with them. But when they first started, you actually could get a flight for like thirty nine dollars. I'm not even nigsay. It was like a Taco bell menu.

Ever, how much did you pay for your flight here at twenty twenty four, I think it was like eighty.

Nine dollars yep, under one hundred, under one hundred, if I'm not mistaken.

That was I was playing up that it was more expensive. Yeah, right, Well you just have to go to use the download, you know. Yeah, a number one or number two every time to.

Put a dollar into a little theater thing.

I'm going to Dalton, I think, Kentucky, just outside of some place in Ohio. It's I'm performing at the Commonwealth. Have y'all been there yet? No, it's a club in Kentucky. Let me see where it's at. And I'm doing a queer fundraiser. It's it's listeners. This is June, so it's a, I'm the gay. You get booked Hella. I get booked Hella during Pride. This isn't Dayton, Kentucky. So I'm gonna fly into there. Nice. Yeah, I'm excited. I've never been to Kentucky. I enjoy going to places i've never been.

Carsinaria is so much prettier. The carpentery, which is a story.

Where you buy carpets.

I just learned that Kentucky was not in the Confederacy during the Civil War, which I was very surprised about.

They reunion they were. I think they didn't participate, which is even worse.

It is, ok, although but I don't know if that's true.

I just know they weren't in the Confederacy, and that's all I really focused on.

I guess being in the Confederacy is worse than not participating. But yeah, it's like you're kind of like choosing that.

I didn't know certain states were just undecided.

I don't know, I don't know anything.

I I thought Kentucky and then I was like, I have a factoit about Kentucky.

But yeah.

If it's if it's history that I should know about, like that of the country I live in my whole life or have lived in. I get really nervous. If someone's like, you know, when did this war? Roughly, when did this famous war take place? I'm like, I smelled toast and I dive out, dive out of the car.

No one in the front seat in the front ever.

Maybe maybe while you're there you could find out the details of all this for us. I will report back next June when we book you for a Howur Pride Month Episode.

Five.

Maynard does Kentucky. We gotta we gotta get it early. Yeah.

Look at those cherries.

Have you'll ever seen a psychic? What do you name cherry? That guy's a man selling cherries right there. Okay, sorry, they're just floating a style.

That's part of my stroke. No do you guys see cherries?

I don't know. Man, there's a big blue ghost in front of them.

One time, my friend and I got so high. Have you ever heard of hometown heroes? Have? It's this Austin based Dulton nine THHC company. Because it's illegal to have weed in Texas really, so there's workaround called to eight and Delta nine. It's so dumb, but my friend Ally and I went for Moontower. We got free Hometown Heroes listener. If you want to have a nightmare, if if you're trying to process some trauma, don't take these, but also

High and you could both hear them.

We could both hear them.

This seems like a faulty gummy. It sounds if it's like a government gummy.

Feels it sounds like a government gummy when I say it, like that, doesn't it. Do you guys believe in conspiracy theories? Oh? Yeah, absolutely.

I have a tattoo of an eye on a pyramid. Do you really know. But I made you think I did, man, and.

That's the man.

I yeah, I'm amazed that that they it's some government sanctioned weed that is available, so it's not the good stuff.

And maybe you got some dank.

I feel like I'm dating good. I'm like two yoga teachers away from believing in qan. You know what I mean? Please be careful. I really have to guys, relaxed. She loves reshie mushrooms.

Okay, healthy, It's like do you hear do you hear all those chicados?

Yeah?

They come out only once every seven years? And you want to know why nine eleven?

Now get back in that child's post.

Wow? Yeah, what if you open up to Yeah?

I just I we all weed makes me worry and there's no rhyme or reason to it. I'll even seek out the kind that my dad had that made us laugh all night, and then when I take it, I am panicked and I want to check my bank account and do my taxes early, like I get paranoid. So maybe it's just it's just crazy. You both hurd crickets.

That's actually I'm also not good at daytime. High for me, high is nighttime. Why is nighttime about to go to bed.

I agree, what news fath you two are? This is ridiculous. Sorry, I got waking and baking.

No, you wake and bake. That's one of my favorite things in the world. Tell me, how does it? How does how do you feel good? I don't.

I think it's I love rebellion, okay, And I don't really drink anymore as that that used to be my big thing of like fuck you, I'll be drunk during it or whatever. It sounds great, So it's not like I don't do it all the time, but like when I do it, it feels like the most insane, like I can't believe you're doing this vibe, which is like I'm going back to my roots when I was a young, you know, twenty two year old rebel with dangerously short bangs.

Incredibly Yeah, I would have fallen for you hook line and sinker whatever you wanted to do. I would be like, yes, okay, we're going to Ohio for three months. As long as you keep those banks nicely short, will be fine. It's like I like, baby, oh, what are they moving here? Oh my god? Wait a second, to listeners, We've just driven across some sort of likes like horse racing.

Yeah.

I went there once and David Hasselhoff was life.

This is such a lie.

He was in a seersucker like suit with a barbershop quartet style hat, and he was covered with grass stains like he wrestled somebody. Yeah, grass and grass stains all. And he was very drunk and he was very close to me. When you watch the I don't know much about horse racing, but you do. They parade them through and I think you're like, oh, I'm going for whiskey ginger because.

Look at those balls he heard. That's what he said. You know how you know who's going to win you look at the balls.

That's what David has.

And there was.

Because they make the horses run by tinkering with their genital it's you know, it's tortured. They clamped them and terrible things like that. And there was there was a horse with the big ones and I bet on it and I won five hundred dollars. Wow, because of David hassel Off, And so I feel like I owe him some of the money, but I can't get a hold of him anyway.

It was at that raceway Hasselhoff's Secrets yeah.

The long Lost that's a late nineties Conan.

He's still around, right, Yeah, yeah, I heard late and I was like, oh, here we go, another great down the drain.

He's just he's performing right now electronic music in Germany. He wants the wall, he wants the burloin wall to be put back up.

He's like he is a Trump guy, right. I don't know it would make it would track, but I don't know. Maybe it was just drunk on e or like entertainment tonight, remember that, Yes, when he ate the hamburger, And yes, that's what I'm thinking of that. Look, one hamburger doesn't make you trumps, No, you know, not in the least.

Yes, I think he just likes likes partying. And he was actually as.

Do we all.

She was super nice and and and connecting with the people and being fun guy at the horse races. It's just well, the whole point of the story was why it was a covered head to tone Grass Stanes.

Because he parties.

So he's parties.

He's not just gonna go to the racetrack and be like polite and shake hands. Yeah, he got there early. He drank like like ten whiskey sours. And then he went and tried to wrestle a jockey.

He's the mayor of the horse race, Santa Anita Park horse Race. I think that is what that was. So he's like, yeah, I'm gonna whiskey ginger it up. Everyone's like, it's gin. He's like, not here, it's whiskey and ginger. It's always mine.

Kentucky like out of the way. I can't see him.

He's like, I'm dam off, it's where's the sand.

I think he said he's Isaac Asimov. Cool.

I loved you on Lord of the Rings Man. Dude, if we're at where I think we're at, there's gonna be an outback steakhouse coming up. Shit, I am right, look at that. I've been to this one.

Oh how did you know?

That looks like it's in Hawaii.

I've been to this one. Man, not inside. I got some food for pica.

Dude, you're only in it for the cuisine.

I had no idea we were this close to this outback.

I have never been to Arcadia.

Yeah, we're we're far away.

If you're following along on a map, we've made it to the Arcadia Gridiron Underpass.

I gotta tell you. I only came here once at night?

Are you scared?

Right now? I gotta be here more? No, If anything, this is like, this place is beautiful, man, it is very nice.

Yeah.

I like all the highways and yeah.

That happens a lot on this podcast. Well I'll just be like, what is this beautiful town and it'll just be downtown of you know, Pasadena.

I've just never seen it.

A cool part of Bourbank. Whoa Burbank is really booming? Incredible?

You know what it is is we are all just driving around. It's rare other than this podcast that I'm a passenger in a car looking out the windows, and I think it's that. Usually we're just driving and you know, if we're responsible, keeping our eyes on the road lines.

Doing my best. Although there is a BJ's, it's hard not to look at that. We could we could go there. It's pretty great in there. Do you need a ride? Do we need a table? Is more like it?

Have you ever a I know, I've just never been there. I find their name to be childish.

Yeah. Well it's fun inside, especially if you're from central Texas and your town finally gets a BJ's in the mall.

Amazing.

Yeah, that's a fun one to say. Yeah, I'm gonna go give a BJ in the mall, go get a b J.

Do they have Is it like one of those family restaurants that has knick knacks and brick a brack.

It's like a gastro pub, but the out back steakhouse version. So yeah, they have like a hundred beers and like pizzas and little tins that they bring to the table in the little tin, it's like a cool Applebee's.

Man.

Yeah, I don't I think we're getting sidetracked. I my eyes are on going to my first ever sonic.

Now we're doing that.

We're doing that. Okay, Oh we haven't worried. No, no, no, no, no, no, don't worry about it. Have you all been to a psychic before? Oh?

Yeah you met?

No, yes I have. I have as well. Do you want to discuss it? Well, I didn't know if we had anything in specific to talk about, but this is a good topic. Yes, I'd love to hear your psychic story. So I've got two psychic stories that I'd like to share. Great one I just saw last night and it was a gift from a friend. She was very talented. Oh it just happened. It just happened, Okay, but I'm like, this is you're not. It felt like more life coachy,

Oh wow, and like and she was talking about a friend.

Yes, wow, and like saying all this stuff. And I was like maybe thirty thirty one at the time, and I was like okay, but I was like, I love her. I could change her, you know. Lesbian's we love to do that. So I'm like, I'm gonna go see her again. I did end things with Tiny Banks, best decision of my life. Tiny Banks would also show up at my house at seven am and drop off little presents to get back to me.

Oh yeah, that's.

Back with me. And it was a nervous behavior and I was like, please please stop. Like I you know too, if I had a guest over, you know that that was potential drama.

Like a like a for one braid one from tiny.

Bangs versus one braid.

Some girls got long braids. It's just one clump.

I can't keep it, not a braid of bangs. For some reason, wanted to be right up front.

Ladies, ladies, why do we gotta fight? Come on, Lucinda works worked for the Scotland Yard and the LAPD. She does like all this crazy stuff like everything I'll I re listened to the tapes to compare, and there were some similarities, like I know I'm gonna have a daughter. I know this daughter like it was recorded I record my set, so I recorded it with a new psychic just to see okay, and this daughter keeps coming up of like who's gonna love horses, Who's gonna be sassy?

Yes, yes, it's neither a house nor a room.

It's just ha. It's the concept of.

Like a hovering cherry. That's the first place I ever did comedy.

Really.

Yeah, when you see the psychic, though, do what do you come with?

Do you give? Did they look at your hand?

So? Is it a little piece of your t shirt? I give them a tooth. They're like, we.

Didn't ask for that, all right?

They throw it back like an aspirin and they're like, got it, I have all your answers.

It comes out like a fortune cookie, piece of paper out of it.

I can just pull it out.

You go there, it's your fortune.

If you if you could know for a fact that what the psychic is going to say to you was true as long as you gave them your tooth.

Rule of all time, well, then you could put in you know, like those old pianos where you could put the little tape in it and it played like dingy d. You actually had to decipher your fortune by that. Listen, I'm waking up from an apple, Okay, I got that piano reference.

Yes, And it just took me back to a wild West town where there's every three o'clock there's a fake gun fight and somebody news falls into a horse trough.

But back to L A. P. D. Respect so true.

Uh, this time she did it again.

So I've seen her three times. And then in twenty nineteen her husband got really sick so they moved to Spain, where he was from. But I got a reading at the tail end of twenty nineteen and one in May, and then some in like twenty eighteen and sixteen, and I re listened to those tapes every now and then, like described to a t what my current manager looks like, and described a haha room I'd never been to the haha.

With rooms, though it's I always want to know, like, yeah, enough about the carpet.

Am I gonna get out?

Now? Getting out?

No, I can work.

She's like something's coming up, and it's like, you know, sometimes you don't want to hear it. It's like there's really good energy around it. You're gonna feel supported. It may not be what you want, but something better is coming around the corner. And it's true. You just take what you want leave the rest. But she's you know, talked about partners that I've had or that I will have, and it's just kind of like nice. Yeah, I enjoy it. Yeah, I think it's a gift.

Yeah, I certainly believe in it.

But I'm still apprehensive, like I don't want to I'm always worried it's going to be bad news.

So I just have avoided like in.

The movies where the U touch the psychic's hand and then they.

Go, yeah, they go dinner. Remember that one.

Yeah, I just no, no, no. The death Card's a good thing. You know how many times I've heard that. I talked the words on it.

I talked to a psychic one time, who this stuff. There's a lot of kind of general kind of like I don't know stuff that I was like, okay, sure, like maybe, but then she said, there's somebody here.

She's old lady.

I think her name's Anne, and I'm like, that's my grandma Anne. And she's like and you used to do the dishes with her and laugh a lot. And she literally described like the thing like at every major we are here.

We're here, and like, look we pull up to our own little thing, right, I don't think so, probably not here. They're probably too dumb. He's fucking losers roller skates. That is so beautiful though. About Grandma coming to visit.

I really loved it.

And also she was the withholding Irish grandma, so I was shocked that it wasn't my other grandma. So I was just like, oh really, she came to say she loved doing that with me, and blah blah blah.

It was the like sweetest.

Thing that is.

Yeah, maybe she is learning in the afterlife. It would be so funny if we didn't even stop you.

Just looking at it.

I figure we would do the drive through because we don't really have the kind of time where we sit here right right enjoy the parking lot.

Plus it's anything like the movies. They'll put that tray up in the window.

I'll just shatter and.

Then we'll get a call. There'll be a big bank robbery and we'll have to go.

Yeah, we'll say ribs to go, and then the carl tip over.

You know those fat really objectifying everything today. I mean, it's one of the listen I saw psychic. She talked about a big braided woman.

And described the next five carpets I'd be near.

I'd be lunching. More like, look out for this dark floral.

It's in your future.

Don't eat the M and m's off it when you spill, when you're so high that you hear crickets. Yeah, it's not your friend. Did I tell you all my uncle's a priest.

No, I don't believe. Even on the last episode we talked about that.

The last episode was a little unhinged.

Yes, it was it was fun.

Okay, you were scared.

You were about to go in for a scary surgery, which we'll talk about at some point if you'd care to.

Yeah, of course, yeah we can. We can talk about it after my priest uncle.

Yeah, yes, that's doggy.

Okay, great. The priest uncle just kind of keeping in track with, you know, being a psychic and blah blah blah. He became a site, He became a He became a priest at age forty, lived in rural Texas, like Cornfield, dirt road style. He said, at two am he heard he heard Dodd's voice to like leave everything and become a priest. He did that. We're sitting on the porch this past Christmas and he's casually talking about his friend who performs exorcisms, and it was like, is that really real?

Oh the movie part of my.

God, I doubt the movie part I doubt, but he like shut it down. I was like, so is it a big exorcism we're doing here or like a small one, and he's like, it's all you know. We don't like to talk about it. We don't want to give the spirits two more too many powers. And I was like, you're kind of lying here, Bud.

Yeah, are these grown men playing with the Ouiji board? They're like Perker.

Brothers the Devil?

Are you here the devil? Can we call you that?

Hay, the devil?

Where do you prefer? Busy bel bub?

But the idea, my first thought is there's a place in Chicago that teaches you.

Right next to ioh. There's your you have to write that TV show?

Oh and then I have clown class.

What if I failed exorcism school? That would be so heartbreaking?

Yea? Does it? Everybody know what they want? Well, once we get to the ultimate drink stop menu, gotcheah.

I of course would all the food I would throw right in my face.

But I'm not going to why not well, because it's a sound issue, right that.

Yes, yes, we don't want.

To be like yeah, yeah, that's the one I answer my people.

Drinks are different.

No, but they love it when we run a razor blade against a length of leather.

Certain, but you know, look at the boba in that slush float.

The self confidence of ordering a chicken slinger. Would you eat for dinner tonight? A chicken slinger?

Chicken slinger? Stop asking me so many questions.

Yeah, we don't talk like that in this house.

Drinks and slushes for a long quarter pound cony.

These are all like gatty gangster.

Nicknames, that chicas linger.

They're all named after different horses from the Santa Anita track.

All of the one pound of stabby flat tops. Give me a bucket.

Hush, babies, be quiet there, baby, are you close? This uncle of yours.

Stopped talking so we can do this.

Yes, yes, mar to be talked about.

We have to focus.

Oh my god, can I upgrade the groopy fries to gravy fries?

Hi?

Can I get a medium lemonade slush?

We have We're gonna have four drinks total?

Yeah?

Can I get a small iced coffee.

What do you have iced coffee? Can we get a small ice coffee?

I know, I'm sorry.

And then I want to say it like a slushie with bargs root beer and a chair? Okay? And then can I get a root beer slushy? Do you have those? And can? Would you put a cherry in it? Thank you?

Cherry flavor? Oh I'm so sorry. Cherry yeah, cherry flavor?

Yeah? Yeah, the flavor? Yeah? Both and a cherry. Do you want to drink? All right?

How about a mini hand mixed Master shake o chocolate?

Okay?

And then can we get a mini hand mixed Master Shake in Oreo chocolate flavor? Yeah, it's Oreo cheesecake.

Do you want that? Jesus, that's what you've got?

Okay, that's it?

Yeah, the poor drink? Can I get lime? Yeah? Can I get We'll ask at the window.

Yeah, that's it.

I'm gonna ask for a fresh lime.

I just want you to know you handled that very well. I almost got frustrated as you and asked him and then oddly as myself.

Well.

Also, have you ever heard a person speak quicker or quieter to drive through us?

Like?

This is not good communication?

Yeah?

And I would base that solely on how many times you've had to ask us to repeat it.

Your silence is not making us.

Oh also, we've never been here. What does your double master about? We don't.

Yeah. Yeah, is it a shaker? Is it a pie?

Trying to be so creative? Did you just get an iced coffee cruise? I have to.

I'm having a rheumatoid flare up. And they said, don't eat anything fun fun, Yeah, sugar. So I'm just like, what about caffeine?

They said, not that either. Now breaking the rules.

But I'm supposed to just be eating you know, zucchini squiggles and pretending it's pasta.

I love doing that.

But it will it will work, and then I'll be out of it and I won't have to take drugs and that's good.

Yeah. So it's just I knew it was happening.

And then they took a blood test and they're like, what are you eighty years old?

You know how doctors like to roast you? Yeah? Yeah, but I'm fine, But of course I want delicious all those things. Of course I want a breakfast toaster. That's an appliance, not a food. I'm sorry, I have problems with the menu.

It's also a scattered menu. Yeah, it's based in.

Anxiety, and it's gonna make you panic order because the drinks are the ones with all the variables.

So why isn't there a drinks menu first?

Yeah?

Right, and then we.

Go from there into what everyone knows is burger, chicken strips, whatever.

Yeah.

Yeah, let's make a menu, but have it reel similar to advanced algebra.

Don't bring that into this good disgusting. I don't even know if I'm going to like this drink, but it's just the excitement of knowing I can happen well.

And the idea, the idea that you had the choices to add stuff in but we couldn't make it happen for you. I don't think you're going to have multiple You'll have the cherry in there, but I don't think the lime is happening.

I'm gonna ask for fresh lime weadge on the window.

I think.

You're going to get your beverage, and then separately, in a tiny to go ranch container, there will be one cherry.

That's what I pregot.

Oh god, I can't wait to find out.

Yeah, and uh, of course, because I didn't specify whatever iced coffee I get is going to be riddled with vanilla like sea yourrup.

I hope it's like, yeah, French vanilla, hazelnut and nugget.

So I'm trying to be responsible.

But if that's if it's if I taste it going in my mouth, I'll be like, whoops, this is a happy accident.

I'll go straight to my joints.

I'm gonna love it right to the rumatoid.

Baby ever, you're if you had to have your dream drive through, like.

You've never been the Sonic?

You claim, yeah, I never have. You're just saying you've never been the Sonic in in l A in l A.

Right, it's different in each state.

Taste a little bit different everywhere you go. But what's your number one fast food place?

Honestly? Right now, I have been falling back in love with Taco Bill. I really I am upset though I had an upsetting moment at the Taco bell.

Ads.

It's about downloads. So I stopped eating meat. My choice, not because I'm dating someone that's a vegetarian. I'm all about civil service now. No, I went because I got that big cheese it cracker now crunch. They've created a massive cheese it instead of a tortilla or a toast Yeah, it's yeah, right, sounds delightful. Yeah, sounds like a nice ripping dip. You know, have we smoked weed? Take a Delta eight with that?

Yeah?

So it's a gigantic cheese it crunch wrap pasta stuff on top.

Well, it's like, have you ever head a crunch wrap Supreme?

Sure, I'd seen them.

So instead of the thing in the middle being the toastata, it's a cheese it. It's a massive square cheese it.

Are they just going to a dorm room and breaking up as dudes and being like, guys, what.

Do you want to eat right now? You're high?

Right?

Yeah, that's that's like that commercials SNL commercial.

Don't we don't stop there.

We take the tacos and wrap it in pizza And they're like, yeah, that sounds made up.

It sounds well. This I thought was gonna be heavenly. I pulled up to the one in Pasadena. I said, hey, do you guys got this? He's like yeah, but you got to order it on the app. I was like, well, I'm talking to you. There's no one in line. Can't you just make it it's like, you got to order it for pickup, why the app? So I'm downloaded the app in the line. I was like, well, there's nobody

Go up to a fast food place and you're like, you know what, I'm gonna make the rules today.

Like he has no way. That guy was gonna do whatever you wanted to do.

He's like, We've got these rules.

I'm reading off of a piece of paper that was encased in plastic and is taped over the cash.

Register, two tiny versions of it to the back of his glasses.

Yeah, I feel that because I was a shift supervisor at Starbucks for ten years. Oh shit, I took it way too serious. My coworkers were high and like fucking in the alley. That's real, mighty fucking mighty. They couldn't be careless, and I was like, guys, did you mark that out before you stole it? It's important for inventory. Meanwhile, there's like a un houseman jerking off in a comfy chair.

Guys, guys, I've got a bunch of stuff to deal with today.

The last thing I got to worry about is who's stealing the spinach feder wraps. Okay, you do the inventory here.

You never got to try this cheese it?

Is it shaped like a shell or is it a giant I'm imagining a giant cheese It the size of your hand.

I think it's a giant cheese. It the size of your hand.

Oh, cam listening, I'm intrigued.

Could you imagine ordering that and then asking for a giant cheese it on the side? Forget it game.

The guy's like, now you have to download special software.

Yeah, I'm sorry. We were having problems here. We didn't think anyone would actually order this.

Yeah, well I did.

I just can't imagine it's staying crispy.

I can't. I doubt it does, right, Yeah, which, sorry, it's not real food anyways.

Yeah, it's.

Ever Did you sorry at the end of the story, did you get that thing or you left?

No? I got a regular crunch up supreme sub potatoes, sub black beans. It's very good, very good. I gotta say he made the potatoes extra nice for me. I said.

It's like every time they think I'm a time traveler because I'm like all the seven layer burrito and a double decker and they're like, we don't make those anymore.

Wait, they don't make seven layer Berrio.

No, They're like that's a thing of the past.

And a taco lights.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, they don't make. All the menu items you grew up with they no longer make. And they treat you like you're just walked in with a powdered widge.

Okay, old timer, you're supposed to keep up with their menu like you care about On the app, I was like, why is.

This an app exclusive? I want to drive through. I don't have time.

I feel like it's a way for them to steal your data and right, because when the Dorito's Taco came out, people lost their ship, so They're like, how do we maximize this for ourselves? And it's like, make it, make them sign up for the app.

I think so conspiracy but also truth.

Sorry, it turns out I'm actually the CEO of Talk About I'm doing an Undercover Boss podcast.

I wondered why you had that.

Undercover Boss snap on tea.

I only I.

I don't know if he was messing with me, but it doesn't seem like a Howard Kramer joke. He said Chip. Howard said Chip, And he went in and had a meeting with.

Oh.

I don't want to say who it is, but it's a guy, a well known person that had Will Ferrell. Yes, let's just say it's Will Ferrell, but he's he was in Kids in the Hall.

Okay, a.

Goatee that was not for a movie part or anything. He just had it on and he took it off and put it on like a mannequin head for their meeting, and they were like, are.

You doing an acting job right now?

He's like, no, I just like growing a goatee, but I don't want to have to shave it, so I just had that hair piece made. So what do you guys? And he wasn't kidding, or he was.

Kidding and really committing to the bit.

I would think if it was a bit, Howard would know. He's hilarious enough.

Oh, I don't know, he's sharp, he knows comedy.

But I turned it into a snap on because my dad's old. My first step mom had a coworker that had a two pin. There was little like denim rivets and is surgically implanet and its head and his hair would snap on.

No, I'm not kidding.

There was two buttons, like brass buttons coming out like he was a piercing.

Oh, he's got one of those two thousand and four shell necklaces.

Very much, you too, you passed those out?

I will Yeah, we just got our drinks.

Well, yeah, listener, you will not believe what we're looking.

Oh yeah, you got frosty lemonade.

Listen, listeners, I'm sorry I made fun of y'all. If you could please do me a favor and follow me at Evermaynard, because my tour agent said I need to have five thousand more followers to start doing more clubs for real.

I wonder if people understand that is how decisions actually get made in.

This stupid is it is it made me cry.

It's so sad and hopeless.

Yeah, and I'm like, I feel straw, Oh, thank you, and a spoon. I'll take the spoon. Isn't that awful? Yeah? I was like it's made up?

Also, can I have a straw?

Oh yeah, we got a straw for you. I feel I don't want to drink in your nice car. Moment of truth. Let's see how this tastes. Test it out? Oh yeah, this is a David Hasselhoff of a drink. This is nice. I'm not tired anymore. That's a sugar straight to the Does it taste good with all your additions? Yes, it feels like summer's finally here.

Yeah, yeast infection free ice, Our yeast infection free summers are finally here.

Finally.

Karen and I have been working for a theme for this summer.

This is it free?

Yeah, this is the summer we really buckled down and stopped getting.

For me, it's just I'm off gluten. Mine.

Yeah, mine isn't joint painfully it mind's perfect. This is actually a great iced coffee and very happy.

My slushy lemonade is absolutely delicious.

It is crazy. Then all the toss they had.

There was a couple of improv guys that did really funny. They were like old Chicago improvm.

TJ and JA.

It was TJ Yeah and somebody that looked like it.

Listeners, if you're in a flyover state, remember to follow me at Everminard. You're not gonna know.

Because you've seen commercials per sonic, but it doesn't exist where you.

Live, isn't.

Isn't Illinois considered a flyover.

State except for Chicago. Oh so it's lower down, I would say, listeners in Illinois except for Chicago. Like Chicago, You're the Los Angeles.

Of the Midwest, Juliet, go fuck yourself.

Evanston, No you're not. No, you are not. Oh you're from Chicago. No you are not. The first girl I went on a date with lived in Actually no Skokie. How to take that yellow line. I don't mean to brag, but would drowned.

At what age I'm judging.

That's when I ever threw up sonic drink twenty three and my first boyfriend, Chas Pardo one and only we also Denim dry humped for about six months and that I got in a row yes, and then I couldn't figure out always going to the bathroom after our sessions because I've still never seen a wiener. Please don't send me them. It works, that's how you get five thousand followers. Yeah, just right there, hey, followers, follow me some of your wiener.

Whatever it takes, whatever it takes to get back to UC Riverside. And uh yeah, so it's like a first I guess that's my first step, ladies, if we're gonna go on a date, if it's gonna be texting, FaceTime, coffee, dry hump, spaghetti.

Dinner, fabric of the parents, negotiable.

Spaghetti dinner, so specific, doesn't that sounds so good though? Sloppy spaghetti right now?

Spaghetti at the old spaghetti factory where you have a limitless bread. Really no, we should be great there, God damn it. Well it looked like they had every chain restaurant available here in Santa Nita, so.

That's it's I bet they have old spaghetti.

This is incredible. Thank you for the drive, of course.

Mm, thank you for the guesting.

Oh wait, so now you can talk about this will be like the follow up from the last time.

Yeah, you were just or what were you thinking that ever was about to have tops yeah, and then it was pretty.

I mean, now that we've talked about the dry humping, let's get it.

Was really quick. So I decided to do this in August and had it had them removed in January, and listeners, uh, if you're thinking about it, there was a two year wait for the surgeon I wanted. And I was like, I'm gonna I'm gonna lose my shit, like two years. I may not even have health insurance. You guys get it, totally no, And yeah. I called the nurse in the front desk and she was like, listen, we get cancelations

That's great.

That's how I get on comedy shows now, yeah, I call that. I'm serious last minute. If anyone cancels, I'm.

I'm available, and yeah, yeah right please, And it was. They did a great job. Doctor Daily On. My parents were so supportive and helpful.

Your mom is hilarious.

I don't know if it's just when you're visiting and doing videos.

She's her comedic timing is Chef's Kiss yeah.

And great, she plays a good straight man and the like.

When we first started doing them, I was like, Mom, just start yelling at me. The only words you can say is it's an issue.

That's what it was. I was trying to think of the catchphrase.

Yeah, so we do this arguing of like it's an issue or it's not an issue. And I started throwing a fit at an HV just to see what she would do, and she lost her shit. It was so funny. Sincerely, sincerely like didn't get it, didn't get that it was a bit and then like now she gets it. And some of the reactions are actually genuine, like I set the yard on fire and that one was terrified.

I've seen I've seen it. I'm a big fan of these videos.

I just remembered that is.

Real and real dumb and my mom was like, please don't do this, and I was like, it's just a little gasoline. What could hurt? And I didn't think that the would follow the trail back to the can I'm dumb, five thousand more followers.

So you spread gas in a bunch of places?

No, sorry, it's yeah.

So I light a little fire and I'm just gonna douse it with gasoline, and in my mind, I think it's just gonna go into a plume. How it'll die down. Sure, that's how it works in the movies. So I and it's one of those like gasoline it's like a five gallon gasoline jug and it's got the hook nozzle, so you really have to tip it over. And the gas just followed like like the stream from like a hose into the gas container. And I didn't know what to do.

You went online? Was happening?

No, no, After I posted the video, all were.

Like, quick, let me get online, just quick.

Carry Why do you put out a fire? You lit yourself with it? Nozzle?

Hell, red fozzle, I said, nozzle. Fozzle's not even to word it's burning. There goes your bangs. Were you holding onto it?

Yes, and you didn't like, Okay, now I'm gonna start roasting you.

Well, I would let it go and I pick it up, and then I'd pick it up again, and then it was just like what am I gonna do here?

I'm just flat. It didn't explode.

Oh, same everybody. I almost didn't post that video because I was mortified, but I was like, it's so funny. And then there's this point in it. I don't think I posted all of it, but my parents' dog is just casually walking by the camera frame. That's like totally unaffected by the chaos. And the dog is like ancient, it's like thirty years old. Like it's so fucking old it just could care less. It's like, I'm ready to die.

Fired. Wow, that's amazing, But kind of.

Like you, Chris, when when I you know, I'll double down on bits and I'll get you know, during the operation, beforehand, the nurse, like my surgeon had a surgeon's nurse and she comes in and I didn't prepare anything. I've also never had surgery, so I was like, do I need to wear like underwear for this? Basic questions. I think that's a normal question. I think that's like on all the movies and TV shows, it's like, you need to

I have?

I have.

I've done that before where they give you the smock or the gown and I just assume I should be naked underneath. I thought it feels great, and then that they are like, oh, you're not wearing underwear.

Fuck.

I'm like, sorry, you said put this on. You didn't tell me what to keep on the underneath? It right, It's I bet a lot of people relate to that.

Well. I didn't know that they were gonna ask me so many questions. Again, I'm nervous. My intake was at four forty five and the lady goes, how do you want your incision? And how do you want your nipples to look? Do you want to keep your nipples?

Oh? We talked about that, what kind of how do you want?

And I just was like big, paper style, just real big. I just kept asking for big nipples and like long nipples and like flat areolas. And she was like do you want that? And I was like no, And then the search and came in and I did it again. I was so nervous and nobody laughed.

You would not stop riffing.

Yeah, and they were like do you They were very serious, there were you like, just surprise me? I was like just I was like, just man, nipples.

Isn't tattoos or is it?

They're real? So they they take them off, they preserve them on ice, and then they trim them to your liking. Are you kidding?

That's amazing?

Yeah? Or they stretch them out too, which is what I was asking for. They did not get it. They didn't like it. That was my last interaction with these people.

Cut them into heart shaped.

So okay. The reason why they were asking that is because somebody did get custom heart shaped nipples before the person the day before me and I found that out over Instagram. I think they were bragging about it.

It just flew out of your mouth effortlessly. I would. I would. I think that's great.

No it's not. Yes, you would, yes, you absolutely.

My shirt hasn't been public in a decade.

I take my shirt off all the time.

Now, wait, let's hear about that experience, because that's is that like the most fun to do?

Yes? But also I have a plethora of shitty tattoos that I forgot about. One is Vincent van Gogh's Starry Night, No buildings, just the sky, which was a choice because I hated the village underneath storry Night. And now the sun or the moon has faded, so it's just part Anyways, I took my shirt off for the first time at the beach and my friends were looking at me and I was like, yeah, I gained a little weight, assholes, and they were like, no, we didn't realize you have

Oh wow, it.

Turns out least chill. So now you guys understand the tiny banks, right, you were trying to cover a lot of genres back then. It sounds like, but I love it. I am. I am shirtless all the time.

I just I saw you after the podcast after your surgery.

Remember we bumped into each other on the street.

We were both at the same corner waiting for it to let us walk, and you were tucking in your shirt and it just seemed.

Like you were excited.

Oh my god, and you're meeting some friends I think at Lowboy, and you looked happy and excited.

Yeah, congratulations, thank you. Yeah, what a sweet memory to share.

Yeah.

Yeah, you were tucking in the shirt. It's very symbolic.

Yeah, it was nice. I was like, look at this nice flat ship. Yeah, filt, great.

Line, your slaves rolled up.

You were I love looking like a little beefy cowboy.

Are you kidding? I was to be honest. I was like, have you been lifting?

I love to lift?

Do you really?

I do?

Okay, well make me laugh.

Yeah, even though I thought you were serious, I still laugh because you said I love.

I love to live the cowboy. Well it's my most favorite thing too, because I do like heavy weights, which is also like I work out in South Pasadena, which is conservative light like Pasadena's conservative South past. You're getting in a mix of folks, but all of like the older people working out there, especially the men, can't figure

That's great.

It felt so good. I was like, yeah, a little little butcher dike over here.

That's terrific.

Outpressed you.

You have to move the pup.

Yeah, did you pat him lightly on the back and get a low rub like it's I did.

Yeah, I hit his I hit his upper thigh. I say, it's.

Okay, condescending, pat, Hey, you're fine.

You just gotta get some more reps and together, let's work through this and me kid, don't cry.

I'd like our relationship to conclude.

No, No, is that how you break up with people?

I like our relationship to monotone robot voice.

Things aren't working out.

Interaction is no landboid, short and sweet.

That's the way I like to keep it.

Bangs, that is.

Wise. I like a nice Scandinavian bang. I feel like that should be a sonic item. Yeah. Can I get the Scandinavian bang with it with fresh lime? Does anybody want to try this? I feel like, you know, I've got lime at the house. I'm going to put a lime wedge in it, okay, and I'm going to pretend I'm a soccer mom ooh and the t ball mom Ooh. That's good. Wait, it's pretty nice, cherry, what was the real? And bargs root beerot beer.

That's good nice, and that's called the Summer Suicide.

Might as well?

Yeahs here in twenty twenty four.

Ever, do you have anything to plug?

Oh my god, just my Instagram at a remaynerd e V E R M A I N A r D.

If you would only understand, listener, how the power you have in your hands right now to get ever booked?

I need booking. Yes, And they said, well, when you get five thousand more followers, it'll be a lot easier and I Jesus wept. I was like, I finally got all of these credits. You get you know what I mean? You work hard? Yes, And then like a twenty year old Twink with like one hundred thousand Instagram followers is like, I'm gonna do comedy and yeah, and you're like, I'm malfunctioning. Yeah, I don't get I'm like, there's no jokes. Yeah, you're saying seven words. The Twink took all the jokes for

It's just a phase through.

But I'm doing a solo show called Autist, and I don't know when it'll start touring the country. Well, it's my dad's middle name, So it's a solo show about me and my father and my transition and stories from like where I grew up and we're developed. Are we about to see a tea bone a collision? Oh my god, listeners, Oh my god, what a dig Yeah? Wow, convertible Mercedes.

You can't trust them.

You can't trust them. Of course, it's a twin.

Yeah, get out of here. Seven jokes.

But July tenth, I'll be doing it again at Nico's and Atwater And then if you follow me, you'll see where I'm coming to your town.

That's how you do it, Taco bell style. You have to download get those followers.

Megan, if you could please like, please follow me and then tag my rep Megan so she can see. This one's for Megan. It's going out to Megan.

I don't know where she is, but I know the carpet's blue.

Drapes.

Matt, Megan, you know what, if you don't make this happen, someone else will make it happen.

Thank you, l A p D Listen.

Oh yeah, I like how your voice often has a laugh incorporated into it.

Become a robot.

It's like half a mile ago.

It's weird.

Yeah, it's sticking, but I meant it what I said as much as a machine can mean the things you've been listening to.

Do you need a ride?

D y n a Ar.

This has been an exactly right production.

Produced by Analie Nelson by Edson Choi. Our talent booker is Patrick Coottner.

Theme song by Karen Kilgarrett.

Artwork by Chris Fairbanks.

Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast. That's d y nar Podcast.

For more information, go to exactly rightmedia dot com.

Thank you.

Oh, you're welcome.